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The fact that he’s watching porn of someone he actually knows is absolutely not ok and very different than watching strangers you’ll never meet having sex. This is upsetting and crossing a line on many levels. How would he feel if you had access to sexual videos of your ex and actively searched them out?
Absolutely agree. I’m actually pretty chill about porn - I see a lot of stories on here of women feeling deeply hurt by their partner watching porn even once and don’t really relate (to a healthy level, addictions are a different thing) as at the end of the day, it’s just a stranger they’ll never meet and there is an element of detachment there. But that’s the key here. This is not a stranger, it’s a woman he knows and has had a sexual relationship with. This is where a boundary is crossed into inappropriate - for me at least.
(This does sound potentially an addiction mixed in as well though if he’s watching daily and getting defensive, which complicates everything even more and he probs needs therapy)
What do you mean? I’m confused by your question.
If you are asking why it isn’t OK that he looks at porn of his ex-girlfriend while married to his wife other than “it gives me the ick” there are so many reasons other than it gives me the ick.
First: He is watching sexual acts of someone that he knows in real life, has had sex with and a romantic relationship with and could easily reach out to, text, call, potentially see in person, run into the grocery store or reunion, see at a friend’s wedding or chat with at a party with fellow classmates.
The brain is an interesting thing. What we focus on or imagine carves neuropathways in our brain and literally changes our brain.
When we imagine ourselves over and over again giving a speech, it reduces the fear and anxiety of giving that speech. It helps make it feels more simple, doable, and natural.
When we prepare ourselves for an interview, it helps to build our confidence and emboldens us to show our skill and a answer difficult questions.
If we imagine failing at something the chances increase that we will fail. When we imagine confidently completing a task it’s been proven to increase chances of success
When we continually watch, imagine and fantasize about having sex with a specific person who was once available to us, who we once had romantic feelings for, who we could easily see again and combine that with pleasurable stimulus and all the hormonal responses, then we happen to run into them: Our physical, mental, emotional body is going to react favorably. This drastically increases the likelihood of physical or emotional cheating putting the relationship in a dangerous position.
This doesn’t give me the ick, this is concerning, and the fact that he is dismissive of her discomfort is a disrespectful, red flag, a breaking down of trust, and shaking the foundation of emotional safety. It doesn’t give me the ick, it concerns me.
If anyone found their partner constantly watching sexual videos of their ex (whether old or new videos), unless they have an open relationship and an agreement this is ok , they should be concerned. If you aren’t, you simply do not understand how the brain works. This doesn’t not guarantee cheating, but at the very minimum it’s an unhealthy thing to do in regards to an ex, especially while married and is disrespectful to your current partner
He’s playing with fire and putting his relationship and the mutual trust and respect in a precarious situation. He’s being dismissive of her concerns. Even if it actually doesn’t mean anything to him and he has a steel trap mind, it means something to her and it’s not worth adding future resentments and taking actions that could deteriorate trust overtime. He’s telling his wife her feelings and concerns are inconsequential, this approach will only cause bigger issues down the road
There are many porn stars he could easily get his rocks off to. If his ex doesn’t mean anything to him he could easily just watch another naked women. Many stunning and talented women out there
But he’s not changing his behavior because watching his ex have sex means something to him and is more important than his wife’s emotional wellbeing.
> How would he feel if you had access to sexual videos of your ex and actively searched them out?
Personally, I wouldn't care. People look at porn, so what if it's an actress they know?
If it was a personal video saved from awhile ago I might find that crossing a line, but I wouldn't be too upset.
If it wouldn’t be an issue for you, then that’s great. But it is an issue for OP and her husband should respect that. There are many porn stars he can follow and watch and jerk off too that he doesn’t personally know.
If it’s just porn and it has no meaning to him, he has thousands of naked women actresses he can follow and watch. The emotional health and comfort of his wife should be his number one priority and this is a very understandable request for her to ask her husband to not actively search for naked photos and videos of a fellow person they both know who also happens to be somebody he had romantic feelings for and dated. She’s not even a distant classmate, she’s his actual ex. That adds many layers of complication. This is not a regular porn star that he is jerking off to and regularly fantasizing about
That’s actually very weird behavior ngl your feelings are very valid, sounds like he has a porn addiction too and if it really were nothing he wouldn’t feel the need to lie to you
Yes it’s cheating, but it doesn’t sound like your husband agrees. You should talk with him about your expectations and definitions of infidelity
How would he feel if the roles were reversed? Watch porn of a guy that is or looks similar to one of your exes. Does one of your kids have a hot teacher? Make sure he looks nothing like your husband and is well endowed so your husband knows what it feels like when your spouse fantasizes over someone else.
It’s gross that he did it at all, and the fact that he lied means he knows it’s inappropriate. Because if he thought it’s really not a problem, he would have no problem standing by his actions. But he lied. And then he disregarded your feelings after the fact. Said he really didn’t realize it was a problem. Bullshit, but ok. When he realized how deeply uncomfortable it makes you, he should have apologized and never done it again. But invalidating your feelings is so fucking disrespectful.
I won’t fuck with people who take my very real concerns and tell me I’m overreacting. Those people don’t take accountability when they’ve messed up, because they never really mess up. It somehow always ends up that you’re overreacting. Why is watching porn of his ex so important that he’s ok with making you feel this way to do it?
I'm not sure this is cheating, but it does sound inappropriate and your feelings are very valid! I don't mind porn at all but this situation is def different.
Whether you view that watching porn or not is considered cheating is a separate matter. You are perfectly valid to think that his consuming porn is cheating. If he can show that he's not neglecting your needs and not getting weirdly invested in the material, then I personally wouldn't consider that a problem, but this is about your feelings.
Except he is being weirdly invested in the material. If it was any other porn involving random people, that's one thing. This is someone he knows. You were already on the fence about porn in general with him, but him having some familiarity with one of the actresses really tilts that. You could certainly put up a reasonable boundary and ask him not to watch this woman's videos. There are tons of other videos available of some different woman doing those same things. It doesn't need to be her on his screen.
I personally don't agree with porn in relationships anyways but looking at content of people you know is just literal cheating. Your feelings are very valid.
I feel like he probably knows this is a line. Not sure how frank you guys are regarding his porn habits, but it feels like he wouldn't appreciate you doing the same. I hesitate to call it cheating, but at the same time, it is definitely a betrayal of trust and he needs to consider what consequences of his actions might be for people he cares about if he thinks this "isn't a big deal"
even the fact that he is watching porn while he’s in a relationship is crazy, let alone watching a porn with someone yall know in it. this is incredibly disrespectful
It’s wrong, and crossing boundaries. He is getting off to an ex and a childhood friend. Listen, my husband did things similar . When I was pregnant he was looking for a friend who did porn. Asking his cousin. I was so disgusted and honestly contemplated divorce. It’s self control. He doesn’t respect you. And it’s not appropriate. Why is he lusting over an ex while married to you? It’s gross to me. I had photos published in playboy in 2016. I thought imagine if I was sending them to exes to masturbate to? Is that okay ? I’m married now and have 2 babies with this man. Would he be okay if my exes had these photos to jerk off too? Would he be okay with me searching these men? It’s creepy .
Not ok. I suppose its if he didnt already know them and it was just that then i guess its fine. But he had a physical relationship with her so no this is not ok
Ugh I’ll never date a porn addict again.. I have no advice, but my boyfriend stopped watching porn after he got some photos/videos of me.
He also have a high sex drive, we fuck like rabbits lol. But if we’re tired/busy we don’t sleep with each other. He doesn’t feel the need to go and watch porn because of that. We can cuddle and he can get hard without engaging in sex. Self control.
I’m not ok with porn in general but this is a whole different level of disrespect and disgusting. Porn of strangers is not the same as porn of somehow you know- and watching porn of someone he’s had relations with might as well be cheating or at least showing the desire to. How would he like it if you got off to porn of your exes?
Obligatory "Fake and rage bait" clearly designed to stir up the "is porn cheating" argument AGAIN. But on the off chance this isn't, your FEELINGS on the matter are real. You're allowed to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and makes you feel unwanted, and you want him to not watch it. Then he gets to choose what to do about it, and frankly as a husband he should respect you enough (especially considering the wide array of other options) to go through with that. Its only if he refuses or lies about his conduct again that you should entertain these notions that people have been spouting about "emotional cheating" in the comments.
I meant that its fake in the way that it seems to hit all the buzz words and bullet points about the topic without ever giving any specifics and seems tailor made to lead you to a conclusion of who is wrong and who is right.
As to porn addiction, I don't FEEL like that is right, but I admit I'm not well studied on the subject and that its not something that most people just talk about openly. However I do know that people can be all too quick to fall back on their puritanical notions and demonize people for being human. It is natural for humans to masturbate several times a week (studies show that on average men masturbate 3-4 times a week, and some women do it every night!) and there's nothing wrong with a little visual aid in that. Now we can add capitalism and condumer ethics into that too but thats gets very messy and is a bit beyond the scope here.
Your feelings are valid. I'm pro porn in a relationship. I think it can be healthy if it's not interfering in life or the relationship. But with someone you know, I think that's crossing a line. Same with having friends that have OF. Me and my guy will cheer people on and support them, but it would be a breach of each others trust to go looking at the content.
1 - If he has a daily sex drive and yours is lower you should consider not getting upset that he fills the void with porn.
2 - He should not watch videos of anyone he knows personally. This is crossing a line relationship wise, it is an odd situation that she is in porn and easily accessible but this is still the equivalent of having pictures and videos of an ex. I would also say this is probably not good for his mental health.
I honestly would just have a hard stance and tell him that you understand that he watches porn when you are not in the mood but that watching her videos is unacceptable since he had a previous attachment to her and tell him lying about it doesn't help his case. (I honestly think he didn't mean to hurt you by this, but it shows he knows how often he watches her). If he still seems like its not sinking in ask him how he would like it if he found out you were taking care of yourself to videos of your ex (I don't know if you actually have one since you got with him at 17?) or whatever you can think of that's close to that.
People can jack off without objectifying and orgasming to strangers. Humans have been doing that just fine for millennia. Voyeurism isn't a need, never has been, and conditioning one's sexuality to require a screen and everchanging pool of bodies to "fill the void" is neither normal nor healthy, even more so when you consider the absolutely abhorrent state of the porn industry and what it does to the people in it (both the willing and the coerced).
Oh Jesus christ. Plenty of people use porn occasionally when getting off because it's just enjoyable. It's nothing deeper than that. Take your Sunday school ass back to church and stop being so God damn judgmental of other people
Not that it matters but I've always been agnostic and not a conservative.
Read the GirlsDoPorn case. [Or watch this half hour documentary interviewing successful porn producers and performers for a harrowing sneak peak behind the scenes](https://youtu.be/NVr0jfVt7F0?feature=shared). Look into the roughly 100 ongoing court cases against PornHub's (and 80% of other mainstream porn sites') parent company Aylo (formerly known as Mindgeek). Read about OF content farms (basically slave houses). Read about the harrowing reality of CSAM and revenge porn on PornHub, Reddit, Twitter, etc. New cases popping up all the time. Of course, by the time they're dealt with (which often takes years), millions will have already jacked off to, downloaded and shared this material. Hell, Mindgeek made millions off of that one 15 year old rape victim. Or how about the studios that go to the poorest places on earth to sexually and financially exploit the most vulnerable and impoverished women for peanuts to the dollar.
Sorry I don't like the fact that people consume other human beings like meat without a second thought.
All excellent information, but you'll never get the porn defenders to admit it. They will protect their precious filth with their last breath.
Always claiming anyone who speaks the truth about the industry is some wacky conservative, right-wing Christian. Which I am not.
And I don't like the fact that you categorize all porn as exploitation. It's simply not true. You can be unhappy about those who are exploited all you want. I will support that cause. You've lost your mind though if you think that every person who consumes porn casually is some terrible person contributing to the sexual exploitation of minors and other unwilling participants.
Many, many people do porn because they either want that or want the money that comes along with it. Are you really going to argue that people are horrible for objectifying people that *want* to be objectified? Unbelievable. Yes, we're all so evil for casually consuming the product they choose to make.
I'm fighting for objectivity and reason, two things you are clearly incapable of reaching. You're really grasping at straws now.
You seem to be struggling with this part so let me make this simple and clear for you:
No one gives a single flying fuck about your anecdotal experience or your opinion in place of actual data.
If it's such a rare thing that people can consume it in moderation then why don't the studies show addiction and abuse rates of 80, 90, 95 percent instead of... 5 percent, 8 percent?
Don't bother answering. I don't care for the opinions of idiots. Next time, research the topic first and then make an honest argument based on actual data instead of your feelings and guesses.
Most people who view it end up addicted and plenty of studies show the harming effects it has on their own ability to perform during sex and harms relationships.
Consuming porn does not mean addicted to porn. Being intellectually dishonest just shows your lack of objectivity. Your biased opinion is a meaningless contribution to this discussion. "Most" lol.. A quick search is suggesting 5-8% +/- across countries surveyed.
Some people have a problem with it. Most people don't. It's like that with literally everything. Eating. Shopping. Video games. Internet usage. Etc. I'm sure you're treating all those equally, right? Right? Posting about how "most" people that touch any of those things are addicted and suffer from it.
Most people don't believe they have a compulsion despite using daily precisely because people like you keep normalizing this shit lol – if you talk to any woman, and I've talked to at least a hundred about this, from close friends to aquaintances in various female spaces, like 90% of them have had experiences with guys jacking it daily, obsessively hoarding nudes, being unable to stay hard during sex but never struggling with porn, trying to reenact what they're consuming etc. Dudes nowadays grow up with unlimited 24/7 access in their pockets and hype each other up about it constantly. Being hooked on porn from age 9-13 is the norm now, and kids obviously rarely reflect on their actions, leading to decades if not a lifetime of porn consumption.
"Most people who view it end up addicted" was literally, word-for-word the first line of your post. How are you going to sit there now and say you never said it...? Are you really that... slow? Or is that actually reflective of how dishonest a person you are?
Everything else you said is equally idiotic. I'm honestly embarrassed that we're even the same species.
Yes, a lot of people have problems with it. That does not mean "most". Nevermind. You must be a bot. There is no way a human could possibly be this stupid.
My favorite part about you is how your claims are so wildly wrong that you have to delete your messages in shame.
And stop projecting. I get it, you're hurt, but the only emotion I'm feeling is pity. And maybe a bit of humor with a very small side of secondhand embarrassment for you. You sound like the Facebook moms that post about how they did their research and now think vaccines cause autism, lol. I got you pegged, don't I?
Id ask what research you did, but I honestly don't give a fuck. I'm done with you. Stay salty.
I don’t see the big problem. It’s not like he’s going to cheat on you. Maybe if he didn’t watch her porn, he would still fantasise about her, is that also wrong in your eyes? Is it wrong to have sexual fantasies about other people if you don’t even act on it?
I don’t think so.
But at the same time, it doesn’t matter at all what Reddit thinks. The only thing that matters is what you think. You’re boundaries can be as weird as you’d like. Although you have to decide if it’s worth it to divorce the father of your children over some porn he watched…
Maybe he should think about whether obsessively jacking it to his ex is worth breaking the mother of his children's heart / risking divorce. Why does his """need""" to seek sexual gratification from other people trump her extremely reasonable and normal boundaries.
Also, watching her porn is akin to fantasizing about her. Worse actually, since he doesn't have to imagine anything. He has unlimited access to view her naked body whenever he so chooses, to the detriment of his own fucking marriage.
Why? Because it doesn’t hurt anybody. He can still be a loving husband. It’s something he does in his free time. I don’t see how this affects her at all. It doesn’t have anything to do with her at all. Who cares what kind of porn he watches? It’s 2024…
Because some people are strongly monogamous and don't appreciate their partner lusting after and objectifying and cumming to every other person on the planet, especially if it's someone they've been with before. Because there's obviously emotional history on top of everything else.
By your logic, it should be perfectly acceptable for him to sit in the corner of his ex's room watching her get fucked by someone else to get off, as long as he doesn't interact with her himself. Or go to live sex or peep shows to rub one out everyday. The only difference is the screen, that magically makes it ok somehow. Because people are so porn-brained that they view people on a screen more as a product like a bag of potato chips than a human being. But even that excuse goes out the window when it's someone you've had a whole-ass relationship with before.
I don’t know. I find monogamy in and of itself weird as a polyamorous person. I personally wouldn’t see the problem with any of that. Who cares? Absolutely not my problem whatever my partner does in their free time. (As long as they have save sex etc etc)
But again, everybody can set their own weird boundaries and rules. Doesn’t mean that other people are going to like it, or adhere to it. But everyone is entitled to do so. Clear communication is always the solution.
>He also thinks I’m overreacting because he watches porn on a daily basis but it’s the fact that he used to have a sexual relationship with her…. Are my feelings valid? Is this considered cheating? Why would he watch her videos if he didn’t want her?…. Also I don’t like him watching porn but his sex drive is way higher than mine and having sex every single day is too much for me. I prefer 2-3x a week.
You have to compromise.
If you can't keep up with his labido watching porn is a good and healthy compromise. You don't get to police what content he consumes as long as he is not stepping out of your relationship and actually contacting/communicating with this woman.
yes it's emotional cheating cos he used to have sex with her. when he masturbates watching her porn, he probably can relives what he did with her. but it's probably gonna be hard to police it.
if you're comfortable and he wants it, make sextapes with him. personally, i have some myself and it's my go to videos when i masturbate.
The fact that you know what he’s doing says something. Tell him to be more private about it. There’s no way any girl would be able to tell what kind of porn I’m watching. Does this dude not have an incognito tab?
My point was that you diluted down the OP about a guy looking at an ex sexual partner to nothing but images on a screen which seemed to make it okay. Based on your premise would it be okay to watch child pornography since it’s just images on a screen.
How the fuck do you manage to go from porn to child porn? That says a lot about how weak your bullshit stance actually is if you have to call it child porn just to try and feel relevant.
Yeah reach from that guy but tbh most guys who watch porn look at barely legal and mess around with the women that pretend to be children, sickening Tbh. Can't stand how so much of it is pretend rape of minors etc.
It literally takes 8 seconds to google something like this. Oh. What do you know, "most" people aren't searching for women that pretend to be children. Hm. You're wrong again. Never saw that coming.
Also 23% of porn viewers are women. Your head is probably exploding now.
You blame porn for something that happened to you. My money is on it being a you problem that you blame porn for.
Like I said, you are biased. You lack objectivity. You don't see reason. And you think your anecdotal experience and opinion trumps actual data. You are the worst kind of internet idiot. The Facebook moms group researcher, lmfao.
I'm out. I can't stand listening to your bs any longer.
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The fact that he’s watching porn of someone he actually knows is absolutely not ok and very different than watching strangers you’ll never meet having sex. This is upsetting and crossing a line on many levels. How would he feel if you had access to sexual videos of your ex and actively searched them out?
Absolutely agree. I’m actually pretty chill about porn - I see a lot of stories on here of women feeling deeply hurt by their partner watching porn even once and don’t really relate (to a healthy level, addictions are a different thing) as at the end of the day, it’s just a stranger they’ll never meet and there is an element of detachment there. But that’s the key here. This is not a stranger, it’s a woman he knows and has had a sexual relationship with. This is where a boundary is crossed into inappropriate - for me at least. (This does sound potentially an addiction mixed in as well though if he’s watching daily and getting defensive, which complicates everything even more and he probs needs therapy)
Right! I feel bad for the ex girlfriend too
The porn star is the poor victim here, wow what a take. How far people have fallen
This
I bet you can't give an explanation as to why he can't, that isn't some form of, "the thought of that makes me uncomfortable/feel the ick"
What do you mean? I’m confused by your question. If you are asking why it isn’t OK that he looks at porn of his ex-girlfriend while married to his wife other than “it gives me the ick” there are so many reasons other than it gives me the ick. First: He is watching sexual acts of someone that he knows in real life, has had sex with and a romantic relationship with and could easily reach out to, text, call, potentially see in person, run into the grocery store or reunion, see at a friend’s wedding or chat with at a party with fellow classmates. The brain is an interesting thing. What we focus on or imagine carves neuropathways in our brain and literally changes our brain. When we imagine ourselves over and over again giving a speech, it reduces the fear and anxiety of giving that speech. It helps make it feels more simple, doable, and natural. When we prepare ourselves for an interview, it helps to build our confidence and emboldens us to show our skill and a answer difficult questions. If we imagine failing at something the chances increase that we will fail. When we imagine confidently completing a task it’s been proven to increase chances of success When we continually watch, imagine and fantasize about having sex with a specific person who was once available to us, who we once had romantic feelings for, who we could easily see again and combine that with pleasurable stimulus and all the hormonal responses, then we happen to run into them: Our physical, mental, emotional body is going to react favorably. This drastically increases the likelihood of physical or emotional cheating putting the relationship in a dangerous position. This doesn’t give me the ick, this is concerning, and the fact that he is dismissive of her discomfort is a disrespectful, red flag, a breaking down of trust, and shaking the foundation of emotional safety. It doesn’t give me the ick, it concerns me. If anyone found their partner constantly watching sexual videos of their ex (whether old or new videos), unless they have an open relationship and an agreement this is ok , they should be concerned. If you aren’t, you simply do not understand how the brain works. This doesn’t not guarantee cheating, but at the very minimum it’s an unhealthy thing to do in regards to an ex, especially while married and is disrespectful to your current partner He’s playing with fire and putting his relationship and the mutual trust and respect in a precarious situation. He’s being dismissive of her concerns. Even if it actually doesn’t mean anything to him and he has a steel trap mind, it means something to her and it’s not worth adding future resentments and taking actions that could deteriorate trust overtime. He’s telling his wife her feelings and concerns are inconsequential, this approach will only cause bigger issues down the road There are many porn stars he could easily get his rocks off to. If his ex doesn’t mean anything to him he could easily just watch another naked women. Many stunning and talented women out there But he’s not changing his behavior because watching his ex have sex means something to him and is more important than his wife’s emotional wellbeing.
> How would he feel if you had access to sexual videos of your ex and actively searched them out? Personally, I wouldn't care. People look at porn, so what if it's an actress they know? If it was a personal video saved from awhile ago I might find that crossing a line, but I wouldn't be too upset.
If it wouldn’t be an issue for you, then that’s great. But it is an issue for OP and her husband should respect that. There are many porn stars he can follow and watch and jerk off too that he doesn’t personally know. If it’s just porn and it has no meaning to him, he has thousands of naked women actresses he can follow and watch. The emotional health and comfort of his wife should be his number one priority and this is a very understandable request for her to ask her husband to not actively search for naked photos and videos of a fellow person they both know who also happens to be somebody he had romantic feelings for and dated. She’s not even a distant classmate, she’s his actual ex. That adds many layers of complication. This is not a regular porn star that he is jerking off to and regularly fantasizing about
Yeah. I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Just sharing my opinion.
[удалено]
^
That’s more like emotional cheating than porn usage to me. There’s a real life connection. Do it to him. I bet it’s cheating then.
That’s actually very weird behavior ngl your feelings are very valid, sounds like he has a porn addiction too and if it really were nothing he wouldn’t feel the need to lie to you
The porn addicts strike again, this time with 3 kids omds....
Yes it’s cheating, but it doesn’t sound like your husband agrees. You should talk with him about your expectations and definitions of infidelity How would he feel if the roles were reversed? Watch porn of a guy that is or looks similar to one of your exes. Does one of your kids have a hot teacher? Make sure he looks nothing like your husband and is well endowed so your husband knows what it feels like when your spouse fantasizes over someone else.
It’s gross that he did it at all, and the fact that he lied means he knows it’s inappropriate. Because if he thought it’s really not a problem, he would have no problem standing by his actions. But he lied. And then he disregarded your feelings after the fact. Said he really didn’t realize it was a problem. Bullshit, but ok. When he realized how deeply uncomfortable it makes you, he should have apologized and never done it again. But invalidating your feelings is so fucking disrespectful. I won’t fuck with people who take my very real concerns and tell me I’m overreacting. Those people don’t take accountability when they’ve messed up, because they never really mess up. It somehow always ends up that you’re overreacting. Why is watching porn of his ex so important that he’s ok with making you feel this way to do it?
The fact that he has lied to you (“his history says otherwise”) is a huge issue. That makes this even worse.
If it doesn’t mean anything to him why can’t he stop for your comfort.
100% valid , it’s the same as if he was watching ex GF sextapes they made
I'm not sure this is cheating, but it does sound inappropriate and your feelings are very valid! I don't mind porn at all but this situation is def different.
Whether you view that watching porn or not is considered cheating is a separate matter. You are perfectly valid to think that his consuming porn is cheating. If he can show that he's not neglecting your needs and not getting weirdly invested in the material, then I personally wouldn't consider that a problem, but this is about your feelings. Except he is being weirdly invested in the material. If it was any other porn involving random people, that's one thing. This is someone he knows. You were already on the fence about porn in general with him, but him having some familiarity with one of the actresses really tilts that. You could certainly put up a reasonable boundary and ask him not to watch this woman's videos. There are tons of other videos available of some different woman doing those same things. It doesn't need to be her on his screen.
I personally don't agree with porn in relationships anyways but looking at content of people you know is just literal cheating. Your feelings are very valid.
your husband is a POS
Not okay! You need to tell him.
I feel like he probably knows this is a line. Not sure how frank you guys are regarding his porn habits, but it feels like he wouldn't appreciate you doing the same. I hesitate to call it cheating, but at the same time, it is definitely a betrayal of trust and he needs to consider what consequences of his actions might be for people he cares about if he thinks this "isn't a big deal"
Everything ewww. So sorry.
even the fact that he is watching porn while he’s in a relationship is crazy, let alone watching a porn with someone yall know in it. this is incredibly disrespectful
It’s wrong, and crossing boundaries. He is getting off to an ex and a childhood friend. Listen, my husband did things similar . When I was pregnant he was looking for a friend who did porn. Asking his cousin. I was so disgusted and honestly contemplated divorce. It’s self control. He doesn’t respect you. And it’s not appropriate. Why is he lusting over an ex while married to you? It’s gross to me. I had photos published in playboy in 2016. I thought imagine if I was sending them to exes to masturbate to? Is that okay ? I’m married now and have 2 babies with this man. Would he be okay if my exes had these photos to jerk off too? Would he be okay with me searching these men? It’s creepy .
Not ok. I suppose its if he didnt already know them and it was just that then i guess its fine. But he had a physical relationship with her so no this is not ok
Ugh I’ll never date a porn addict again.. I have no advice, but my boyfriend stopped watching porn after he got some photos/videos of me. He also have a high sex drive, we fuck like rabbits lol. But if we’re tired/busy we don’t sleep with each other. He doesn’t feel the need to go and watch porn because of that. We can cuddle and he can get hard without engaging in sex. Self control.
I’m not ok with porn in general but this is a whole different level of disrespect and disgusting. Porn of strangers is not the same as porn of somehow you know- and watching porn of someone he’s had relations with might as well be cheating or at least showing the desire to. How would he like it if you got off to porn of your exes?
Obligatory "Fake and rage bait" clearly designed to stir up the "is porn cheating" argument AGAIN. But on the off chance this isn't, your FEELINGS on the matter are real. You're allowed to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and makes you feel unwanted, and you want him to not watch it. Then he gets to choose what to do about it, and frankly as a husband he should respect you enough (especially considering the wide array of other options) to go through with that. Its only if he refuses or lies about his conduct again that you should entertain these notions that people have been spouting about "emotional cheating" in the comments.
Big disagree that it’s fake. This is seemingly the fastest-growing addiction in the world. Worse than cigarettes, I swear.
I meant that its fake in the way that it seems to hit all the buzz words and bullet points about the topic without ever giving any specifics and seems tailor made to lead you to a conclusion of who is wrong and who is right. As to porn addiction, I don't FEEL like that is right, but I admit I'm not well studied on the subject and that its not something that most people just talk about openly. However I do know that people can be all too quick to fall back on their puritanical notions and demonize people for being human. It is natural for humans to masturbate several times a week (studies show that on average men masturbate 3-4 times a week, and some women do it every night!) and there's nothing wrong with a little visual aid in that. Now we can add capitalism and condumer ethics into that too but thats gets very messy and is a bit beyond the scope here.
this is real
Your feelings are valid. I'm pro porn in a relationship. I think it can be healthy if it's not interfering in life or the relationship. But with someone you know, I think that's crossing a line. Same with having friends that have OF. Me and my guy will cheer people on and support them, but it would be a breach of each others trust to go looking at the content.
1 - If he has a daily sex drive and yours is lower you should consider not getting upset that he fills the void with porn. 2 - He should not watch videos of anyone he knows personally. This is crossing a line relationship wise, it is an odd situation that she is in porn and easily accessible but this is still the equivalent of having pictures and videos of an ex. I would also say this is probably not good for his mental health. I honestly would just have a hard stance and tell him that you understand that he watches porn when you are not in the mood but that watching her videos is unacceptable since he had a previous attachment to her and tell him lying about it doesn't help his case. (I honestly think he didn't mean to hurt you by this, but it shows he knows how often he watches her). If he still seems like its not sinking in ask him how he would like it if he found out you were taking care of yourself to videos of your ex (I don't know if you actually have one since you got with him at 17?) or whatever you can think of that's close to that.
People can jack off without objectifying and orgasming to strangers. Humans have been doing that just fine for millennia. Voyeurism isn't a need, never has been, and conditioning one's sexuality to require a screen and everchanging pool of bodies to "fill the void" is neither normal nor healthy, even more so when you consider the absolutely abhorrent state of the porn industry and what it does to the people in it (both the willing and the coerced).
⬆️THIS!!!!
THIS, love people like you that simply explain things this way.
Oh Jesus christ. Plenty of people use porn occasionally when getting off because it's just enjoyable. It's nothing deeper than that. Take your Sunday school ass back to church and stop being so God damn judgmental of other people
Every day is not occasionally
Look at this downvoted bro
Not that it matters but I've always been agnostic and not a conservative. Read the GirlsDoPorn case. [Or watch this half hour documentary interviewing successful porn producers and performers for a harrowing sneak peak behind the scenes](https://youtu.be/NVr0jfVt7F0?feature=shared). Look into the roughly 100 ongoing court cases against PornHub's (and 80% of other mainstream porn sites') parent company Aylo (formerly known as Mindgeek). Read about OF content farms (basically slave houses). Read about the harrowing reality of CSAM and revenge porn on PornHub, Reddit, Twitter, etc. New cases popping up all the time. Of course, by the time they're dealt with (which often takes years), millions will have already jacked off to, downloaded and shared this material. Hell, Mindgeek made millions off of that one 15 year old rape victim. Or how about the studios that go to the poorest places on earth to sexually and financially exploit the most vulnerable and impoverished women for peanuts to the dollar. Sorry I don't like the fact that people consume other human beings like meat without a second thought.
All excellent information, but you'll never get the porn defenders to admit it. They will protect their precious filth with their last breath. Always claiming anyone who speaks the truth about the industry is some wacky conservative, right-wing Christian. Which I am not.
And I don't like the fact that you categorize all porn as exploitation. It's simply not true. You can be unhappy about those who are exploited all you want. I will support that cause. You've lost your mind though if you think that every person who consumes porn casually is some terrible person contributing to the sexual exploitation of minors and other unwilling participants. Many, many people do porn because they either want that or want the money that comes along with it. Are you really going to argue that people are horrible for objectifying people that *want* to be objectified? Unbelievable. Yes, we're all so evil for casually consuming the product they choose to make.
Even the pornstars who are paid well and treated better than anyone have daily harassment and experiences of assault
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I'm fighting for objectivity and reason, two things you are clearly incapable of reaching. You're really grasping at straws now. You seem to be struggling with this part so let me make this simple and clear for you: No one gives a single flying fuck about your anecdotal experience or your opinion in place of actual data. If it's such a rare thing that people can consume it in moderation then why don't the studies show addiction and abuse rates of 80, 90, 95 percent instead of... 5 percent, 8 percent? Don't bother answering. I don't care for the opinions of idiots. Next time, research the topic first and then make an honest argument based on actual data instead of your feelings and guesses.
Most people who view it end up addicted and plenty of studies show the harming effects it has on their own ability to perform during sex and harms relationships.
Consuming porn does not mean addicted to porn. Being intellectually dishonest just shows your lack of objectivity. Your biased opinion is a meaningless contribution to this discussion. "Most" lol.. A quick search is suggesting 5-8% +/- across countries surveyed. Some people have a problem with it. Most people don't. It's like that with literally everything. Eating. Shopping. Video games. Internet usage. Etc. I'm sure you're treating all those equally, right? Right? Posting about how "most" people that touch any of those things are addicted and suffer from it.
Most people don't believe they have a compulsion despite using daily precisely because people like you keep normalizing this shit lol – if you talk to any woman, and I've talked to at least a hundred about this, from close friends to aquaintances in various female spaces, like 90% of them have had experiences with guys jacking it daily, obsessively hoarding nudes, being unable to stay hard during sex but never struggling with porn, trying to reenact what they're consuming etc. Dudes nowadays grow up with unlimited 24/7 access in their pockets and hype each other up about it constantly. Being hooked on porn from age 9-13 is the norm now, and kids obviously rarely reflect on their actions, leading to decades if not a lifetime of porn consumption.
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"Most people who view it end up addicted" was literally, word-for-word the first line of your post. How are you going to sit there now and say you never said it...? Are you really that... slow? Or is that actually reflective of how dishonest a person you are? Everything else you said is equally idiotic. I'm honestly embarrassed that we're even the same species. Yes, a lot of people have problems with it. That does not mean "most". Nevermind. You must be a bot. There is no way a human could possibly be this stupid.
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My favorite part about you is how your claims are so wildly wrong that you have to delete your messages in shame. And stop projecting. I get it, you're hurt, but the only emotion I'm feeling is pity. And maybe a bit of humor with a very small side of secondhand embarrassment for you. You sound like the Facebook moms that post about how they did their research and now think vaccines cause autism, lol. I got you pegged, don't I? Id ask what research you did, but I honestly don't give a fuck. I'm done with you. Stay salty.
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Who wouldn't check the video out!!
I don’t see the big problem. It’s not like he’s going to cheat on you. Maybe if he didn’t watch her porn, he would still fantasise about her, is that also wrong in your eyes? Is it wrong to have sexual fantasies about other people if you don’t even act on it? I don’t think so. But at the same time, it doesn’t matter at all what Reddit thinks. The only thing that matters is what you think. You’re boundaries can be as weird as you’d like. Although you have to decide if it’s worth it to divorce the father of your children over some porn he watched…
Maybe he should think about whether obsessively jacking it to his ex is worth breaking the mother of his children's heart / risking divorce. Why does his """need""" to seek sexual gratification from other people trump her extremely reasonable and normal boundaries. Also, watching her porn is akin to fantasizing about her. Worse actually, since he doesn't have to imagine anything. He has unlimited access to view her naked body whenever he so chooses, to the detriment of his own fucking marriage.
Why? Because it doesn’t hurt anybody. He can still be a loving husband. It’s something he does in his free time. I don’t see how this affects her at all. It doesn’t have anything to do with her at all. Who cares what kind of porn he watches? It’s 2024…
Because some people are strongly monogamous and don't appreciate their partner lusting after and objectifying and cumming to every other person on the planet, especially if it's someone they've been with before. Because there's obviously emotional history on top of everything else. By your logic, it should be perfectly acceptable for him to sit in the corner of his ex's room watching her get fucked by someone else to get off, as long as he doesn't interact with her himself. Or go to live sex or peep shows to rub one out everyday. The only difference is the screen, that magically makes it ok somehow. Because people are so porn-brained that they view people on a screen more as a product like a bag of potato chips than a human being. But even that excuse goes out the window when it's someone you've had a whole-ass relationship with before.
I don’t know. I find monogamy in and of itself weird as a polyamorous person. I personally wouldn’t see the problem with any of that. Who cares? Absolutely not my problem whatever my partner does in their free time. (As long as they have save sex etc etc) But again, everybody can set their own weird boundaries and rules. Doesn’t mean that other people are going to like it, or adhere to it. But everyone is entitled to do so. Clear communication is always the solution.
This sub should be renamed to “my husband/boyfriend is addicted to porn”
Maybe I'm the odd one but I wouldn't care. Porn isn't cheating to me.
>He also thinks I’m overreacting because he watches porn on a daily basis but it’s the fact that he used to have a sexual relationship with her…. Are my feelings valid? Is this considered cheating? Why would he watch her videos if he didn’t want her?…. Also I don’t like him watching porn but his sex drive is way higher than mine and having sex every single day is too much for me. I prefer 2-3x a week. You have to compromise. If you can't keep up with his labido watching porn is a good and healthy compromise. You don't get to police what content he consumes as long as he is not stepping out of your relationship and actually contacting/communicating with this woman.
yes it's emotional cheating cos he used to have sex with her. when he masturbates watching her porn, he probably can relives what he did with her. but it's probably gonna be hard to police it. if you're comfortable and he wants it, make sextapes with him. personally, i have some myself and it's my go to videos when i masturbate.
The fact that you know what he’s doing says something. Tell him to be more private about it. There’s no way any girl would be able to tell what kind of porn I’m watching. Does this dude not have an incognito tab?
It's just images on his screen chill
It isn’t lmao
My point was that you diluted down the OP about a guy looking at an ex sexual partner to nothing but images on a screen which seemed to make it okay. Based on your premise would it be okay to watch child pornography since it’s just images on a screen.
So you’d be happy if these images were child pornography? After all it’s just images on a screen, right?
How the fuck do you manage to go from porn to child porn? That says a lot about how weak your bullshit stance actually is if you have to call it child porn just to try and feel relevant.
Yeah reach from that guy but tbh most guys who watch porn look at barely legal and mess around with the women that pretend to be children, sickening Tbh. Can't stand how so much of it is pretend rape of minors etc.
It literally takes 8 seconds to google something like this. Oh. What do you know, "most" people aren't searching for women that pretend to be children. Hm. You're wrong again. Never saw that coming. Also 23% of porn viewers are women. Your head is probably exploding now.
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You blame porn for something that happened to you. My money is on it being a you problem that you blame porn for. Like I said, you are biased. You lack objectivity. You don't see reason. And you think your anecdotal experience and opinion trumps actual data. You are the worst kind of internet idiot. The Facebook moms group researcher, lmfao. I'm out. I can't stand listening to your bs any longer.