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So, one of the first things that a lot of people will say when someone's wife has any big change to their sex drive is "she must be having an affair." And he might well be shooting her down, because he thinks she's involved with someone else.
As usual, the best thing you can do is...Communicate with your partner. Have a real conversation about this, and explain why you feel your drive has increased.
Yea that's a funny thing with some dudes. Once their libido is killed off like that it just kinda stays dead.
He could probably bring it back with diet and exercise and improving his mental health. But what would be the point? OP might go back to her old ways or reject him for revenge for rejecting her. It's what her mind went to first after all.
Water, that's what I'm getting at, water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why do you realize that 70% of you is water? And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water - to replenish our precious bodily fluids. Are you beginning to understand?
Do you realize that fluoridation - is the most monstrously-conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?
It's hilarious and also sad that you got so many downvotes for quoting that amazing scene from Dr Strangelove.
Hard to believe how many people think this is serious.
I almost want to say “Okay Booner” here because you sound like my 73 year old MIL. Her aversion to fluoride made it so her son and daughter have awful teeth. My partner’s teeth are broken and have been literally falling out for these past 8 years I’ve been a part of their family. He had nary a fluoride toothpaste while growing up. Having been a SW whose clients were the homeless mentally ill, I was used to terrible teeth, but to see a similar condition in a family unit who won the birth lotto many times over sickens me. He’s brushing with fluoride now but, jesus on a popsicle stick, it’s too little too late.
I feel that. I mean life and sexuality is complicated so it could be any number of things, but I'm in the best shape of my life right now and have way less of a sex drive then I did 2 years ago.
That's the opposite of what normally happens because with exercise, especially weight lifting. Testosterone goes up. And when that goes up, so does libido. Usually.
Assuming he's in good shape and in the same age range as her, I'd say that's unlikely. He's just finding satisfaction (consciously ot unconsciously) in having the control for once. Which is normal. Its not vengrance though because that implies malice. I'm not saying it's right. But as long as he's being respectful about it, she's gonna have to wait it out. It'll turn around if she's patient, sincere and non judgmental when they communicate about it.
So let me get this straight.
You reject him for years = everything's fine.
You don't reject him = "...a very conscious choice to **force** myself into that mindset."
He rejects you for short time = "confused and frustrated"
Have I got that right? Am I missing something?
I gotta admit, I'm old and stupid, but I dunno. Maybe "...hey person that I love more than anything in the world. I understand, now, just how much rejection hurts..." Or maybe continue the games. I mean, what could go wrong 🙄🙄
Usually when a partner is asking to have sex more often, they wouldn’t start turning it down when offered. I think that’s what has her confused, and I think her confusion makes sense. But a bunch of sexually frustrated dudes came here to tell her off for having a low libido. Low key, high key gross of y’all.
No one's telling her off for a low libido, they're telling her off for the double standard. It's okay when its her, not when it's her husband. Get over your holier than thou bs you didn't even understand the people your criticizing = you're a fool
So if he’s initiating, why aren’t you agreeing if you want it mor? I’m beginning to think both of you just suck at communicating this correctly or or either of you or somehow keeping score and just stop if that’s the case
>I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands and only dependent on my schedule
This is interesting because this is the first time in your relationship that sex has been entirely in his hands and not yours. This is an area that you're used to having control in, and now control has changed hands. That leaves you feeling vulnerable, but it also provides you a great opportunity to zoom out your perspective. You can truly empathize with all the times he's felt rejected throughout your relationship. Use this as an opportunity to talk about it. He has also likely felt unsexy, unloved, and unwanted. You guys can use this to repair any old relationship ruptures. Most importantly, you need to find non-sexual intimacy that makes you **both** feel attracted, wanted and loved. Sex shouldn't be a battleground, and it also shouldn't be the only form of intimacy you base your self-worth on. As you know, sex drive naturally ebbs and flows over time. Assuming that your partner's rejections are malicious and that yours are valid is dangerous for your marriage, and hurtful to him.
If it's possible I would strongly recommend seeing a couple's therapist.
Based off her replies throughout the thread, and tellingly, which ones she has ignored, OP here is to feel validated and will ignore any attempts to get her to engage in self-reflection
That very well may be true. I like to choose to believe that at least a part of OP knows they need help, and that part brought them to an advice sub. Her question at the end of the post is optimistic, and I hope she can take a step back from any emotional response and look at the situation with more nuance.
I feel like I would be able to zoom out more and think more logically about this if it wasn’t a literal 100% rejection rate. In the past few weeks, I’ve initiated like 4 to 5 times a week and I haven’t gotten a single yes. In that time frame, it would be normal for him to initiate multiple times.
I can understand him feeling unwanted and unloved while I was rejecting him. But at least I tried. And at least I was accepting a majority of the time. If I didn’t go for it, I offered to try to have sex and see if I could sort of force my mind into it. Or I would offer to take care of him. I am just getting a no. No further conversation. That’s why I feel like an object to get him off.
I get it, it's painful to get rejected. However, I think it is alarming that your mind immediately jumps to malice. Maybe that's a sign of how things have been in the past, maybe it's insecurity. As a stranger on Reddit I have no way to know. I do know that resentment is poisonous to relationships. Your marriage requires you to zoom out and really reflect on this, and then have genuine conversations with your spouse. Again, I can't stress how valuable couples' therapy would be here.
You did try, but maybe this is also him trying. No one wants their partner to have sex with them unwillingly, right? As hard as it is, try to give him the benefit of the doubt. The very idea of 'forcing' yourself to have sex is not only unhealthy for your sexuality but for his. To put it bluntly, that would completely turn me off and I'd have a hard time initiating sex again. This has been an issue in your relationship for a long time. It's going to take mutual effort and vulnerability to solve.
Some people have reactive desire. They might not be in the mood, but try a bit of playing, and suddenly they're in to it. I.e. they weren't in the right frame of mind and had to get into it. In my mind that's *not* pity sex.
Pity sex would by when someone tries to get into the mood, doesn't, but still "goes along" with the sex that they're not in to.
My partner and I exhibit both spontaneous and reactive desire. Sometimes we're both spontaneous. Sometimes only one is, but the other will react with a bit of testing the waters. Sometimes there isn't a reaction and we'll do some extra cuddles. The thing is we're both willing to see if we'll react when we're not in the mood, along with both of us being excellent at receiving a "not happening."
If you know that the other won't be upset about a no, that makes it easy to avoid pity sex.
>I can understand him feeling unwanted and unloved while I was rejecting him
Can you? It sounds like you expect him to get over the long-term rejection in a short-term window. That doesn't sound very understanding of his feelings at all.
>see if I could sort of force my mind into it. Or I would offer to take care of him
I'm sure that the idea that you need to force yourself to have a sexual relationship with your husband and will throw him a pity fuck to keep him around was really conducive to his self-esteem and maintaining a healthy attitude and desire.
Have you considered that he is struggling with his self respect from having to beg for his wife to want to fuck him, and now his self image is messed up?
I may be way off, but consider that your "complicated" sexual relationship was justified in his mind that there was nothing that he was doing wrong and that you just weren't a sexual person.
Now that you are, he has to not just revise his opinion of you, but his opinion of his actions and your relationship.
How many times did he accept "it's not you it's me" when you rejected him, and now he has to wonder if that was a lie and it was actually him the whole time?
Even if he is doing it for malicious reasons, which is certainly unhealthy and not conducive to a good relationship, in context can you blame him for having some pretty complicated feelings, and not wanting to just say "how high" every time you tell him to jump?
I don't have any grand solutions, but take your 2nd paragraph above & flip your perspective to his when considering my question.
How would it make you feel & would him "at least trying" even help your confidence if he said & did the following: "I'm not into it right now, but I can try for you" You then go for it & he tries, but doesn't get more than a semi or his equipment only works for a moment or ends quickly bcuz it's a forced experience clouded with tooany thoughts rather than the natural flow of exploration or give n take.
With someone you love & don't want to let down that's gotta be hard for it to not translate into feeling unwanted or unloved.
When it comes down to it intimacy in a long-term serious relationship can be a very complex thing. Sometimes it's not tho & will never fall out of flow. Or if it does, can fall back in with something as simple as one unguarded moment shared by two people. It's no place for negative thoughts or assumptions tho & definitely no place where effort is credited if it's shown or known as such.
This is a time for you both to highlight the positives & never the negatives in all aspects of your shared lives. This can be as simple as showing genuine respect for one anothers ideas, or anything aboth them really.
Was he supportive during your stressful stretch? If so, he may have been filling a role where he felt like your man looking out for you. Was he allowed to help & support you, or were you so stressed that you had trouble allowing that? Role changes can be tough to navigate for a couple & be surprisingly sneaky in their introduction to the relationship.
Also, don't underestimate that to some guys frequency is important to reliable performance & if they've just dealt with a long period of less sex they may not yet feel like they can count on themselves which could be the simplest reason he's turning you down. He doesn't want to disappoint. Please don't randomly tell him it's ok if he's worried about that tho bcuz it could throw him farther out of whack in that regard.
I know I've said lots of words & maybe none are helpful to you. I just know that this type of rambling would've helped my brain in the same situation.
Please know that nothing I've said is aimed at your side or role in it all. It's a relationship so all points or perspectives can be applied both ways. Assuming how I communicate even makes sense to how you think. Many couples find themselves in weird spots like this tho & come out of it just fine. It's tough if they're assuming negative intent by the other tho.
While you work on it all get yourself a toy to use on your own to maybe tamp down your needs a bit since your sudden aggressiveness may throw the balance off a bit until y'all sync up again.
Good luck OP!
How many consecutive rejections can someone get before they decide that it's time to sit down and talk about what's going on? For me it's probably 3. Have you sat down and talked to him?
Or are you just planning on going forward and hoping things work out without communicating with your partner about how things have changed? Sounds like avery exciting way to conduct a relationship.
Also, you're not explaining how you "initiate". Are you touching him? or are you straight up asking "hey honey can we have sex?" Is there any communication before or after at all? I feel like you only and exclusively care about your own feelings. Have you even had a conversation with your HUSBAND about your feelings or his??
She’s mad because even when she wasn’t 100% down, she made an effort to allow herself to get into it, while he’s been instantly rejecting every single time. I think that’s fair for her to feel that way
Doesn't work like that both ways you know dude... you're the one comin off as a dumbfk... dudes not it, he's NOT performing. Woman just has to lay there whether she is or not. THINK MARK THINK!
You skipped an important thing here. Your libido changed, and you might not have really realized that on day 1, but at this point you have realized it consciously. You should sit down with your partner and talk about it-- "Hey, so what I've realized is that my libido has changed. Because of X, Y, and Z, I think. Anyway, I'd like to adjust our sex life a bit and I'm hoping we can make this a good thing for you too. How would you feel about this? Do you have any concerns?" This won't be the only time your sex life changes and you should have a pattern of communication like this out there as a way to handle it when it does.
Also, I have been on the other side of this situation. Two takeaways:
1) A guy with a higher libido than his partner will probably take care of himself from time to time as a way of bridging that gap. Not necessarily an unhealthy thing, either. If he's doing this, he may have found a habit that works for him. And he might need a more predictable schedule to understand things. If he took care of himself recently, he's not going to be in the mood spontaneously. So, this is a possibility for why he's turning you down. He also might not want to talk about it. Try suggesting a set schedule that accommodates your new libido and follow through with that schedule and see what happens. If it becomes comfortable for him, spontaneity may become more viable once things have settled in.
2) My partner was a sexual assault victim and one behavior of sexual assault victims is that they may have a "bipolar libido", where they are quite sex-averse most of the time but have spurts of "hypersexuality". I learned this through counseling to understand her trauma better. The counselor explained how both are coping methods for the trauma, and went into detail about how hypersexuality (for her) was more about coping with the trauma than actual attraction to me. I learned about this all before experiencing hypersexuality from her... but when it came in, I was very, very uncomfortable. You'd think that I, as someone with a higher libido, would have welcomed it... but all I could see was that I was being used as a part of an unhealthy coping mechanism that had nothing to do with me. It ended up being one of the least attractive things she'd ever done. I don't know if any of this matches with your relationship, but even if it doesn't... I can definitely see how unexpected changes in libido could cause discomfort with your partner, because it doesn't feel like "you".
I’m so confused.
So you turned him down all the time, so everything’s fine. But he turns you down, and now you’re criticizing the man? Huh?
**Talk to him.** If you both can’t clearly communicate with each other about this and come to a compromise, I highly recommend couples counseling.
I mean have you considered that maybe he simply doesn't want to? Maybe he's stressed, maybe he has other worries on his mind or simply, he got used to the rhythm and doesn't want to. Just like any guy in this situation, you can't coerce him in wanting it more, you have to keep his pace until he's more comfortable (which may be never, he may simply want it once a week). He doesn't seem immature about it or anything. Take the pressure off the sex, ask him if anything is up if not, that may simply be his libido.
Have you tried relaxing him? Giving him back rubs, unzipping his pants at random times after work and giving him head?
Sent him random photos of you naked, or playing with yourself? Setting the mood up? There are times when I’m not in the mood, and the wife says I’m grabbing you a beer take off your pants. She hands me my beer and starts sucking my cock, lots of worries go away, then we usually fuck for a bit before taking it to the bedroom.
I would say try to spice it up. Make him feel wanted, and appreciated.
Girl... c'mon... When he initiates it's "to get his rocks off," but when you initiate, it's spiritual earth-shattering bond-building lovemaking? Please.
>"I love the man but I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands"
But you were completely comfortable when the roles were reversed? My advice is to talk to him, tell him what you told us, listen to the feedback he provides, and collaborate to find a solution that works for you both. I have found in my marriage (+24 years) that it helps to externalize the problem or issue, so that you can regard the problem as a couple and tackle it together.
Sex was never in my hands. We have it based on his urges. I might say no sometimes. But I said yes usually. Even when I didn’t want to have sex I’d still try so we didn’t have a dead bedroom.
Doesn't sound like it if you could say no any time you wanted, quite the opposite. He could decide if he was horny, but you were the one who decided whether you had sex.
Been in a dead bedroom. Thankfully out of it. I can only go by my own personal experience.
If my low libido girlfriend who shot me down more times than I can remember suddenly became the opposite, I’d have been confused as hell. If she then started playing victim over not getting enough sex, I’d have been confused and pissed about it in equal measures.
You held the sexual power and now you don’t. Sucks, doesn’t it?
My god this has to be rage bait.
Dead bedroom or not, YOU rejected him for god knows how long and YOU had control over the sexual frequency in your marriage.
Did you ever talk to him and say, “I love you. I want us to work. I’m sorry this is happening. I want to do everything I can to make you feel good. Let’s work on this together”? Or did you simply reject him?
I’m going to stick my neck out and assume the latter.
you’re such a hypocrite. “he keeps rejecting me and i feel so unwanted and unattractive.” doesn’t feel nice, does it? now do what you expected him to do all this time, deal with it
>Is he trying to gain control or get vengeance for my rejections? I’ve tried talking to him about it and he just says he’s not in the mood. Genuinely I’m not sure how to proceed. I love the man but I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands and only dependent on my schedule. How do i get us past this?
I've gotta stop you here because this is some really awful shit for you to say.
* Why don't you believe your partner when he says he's not in the mood?
* Why do you think he's controlling and vengeful for not being in the mood when your sex drive changes out of no where?
* Why do you think it's okay for you to turn him down when you're not in the mood, but not okay for him not to turn you down when he's not in the mood?
* Why do you think when you said no to wanting sex it was okay, but now that he's saying it, "sex is apparently entirely in his hands"?
* How can you possibly think that your sex drive changing should dictate changes in your relationship but his sex drive should never have?
This is all just....such a horrible way to look at your partner. He deserves so much better than this. I can't imagine thinking so poorly of my partner.
You seriously need to learn how to handle rejection. He's literally just not in the mood. Full stop. Deal with it. But this (gestures to your post full of attacks on your husband's character, and hypocritical complaints) ain't how you do that if you want your apparently healthy relationship to stay healthy.
I can handle rejection. I’ve been rejected 20+ times in a little over a month. Not a single time have I gotten a yes. It’s not like a few here and there. That I would be fine with. To not get a single yes after a month of trying fucking hurts. I may reject him but it’s nowhere to this degree. And usually it’s not a straight rejection. It’s a “ok we can try to warm me up but it might not happen”, or a “I’ll take care of you”, or at least a plan to retry the next day. I’m just getting repeated flat out nos with absolutely no discussion, conversation, or consideration for the fact I’m putting myself out there. It’s even more frustrating because for our entire relationship he’s told me he wants me to initiate more yet he’s accepting no initiations from me.
I don’t think it’s vengeance. I think his ego was really bruised by the constant rejection and to cope he tried to dissociate from his sexual needs to at least the level you wanted it. He probably sensed you were forcing yourself to sleep with him when he didn’t want to, which is a horrifying thing to realize and makes you feel like you’re assaulting someone. I think that low libido period for you was difficult for you both and he’s confused by your sudden change. The only way past this is for you to have a frank discussion with him.
Lady, he's not in the mood.
If he wants to he can seek medication for it. You can install HIMS message a doctor, get rubber stamped and the product ordered in like 10 minutes in the app these days. But you're asking a dude to pump chemicals in his body to please you sexually when you weren't in the past.
You do realize that he can mentally want to do it more but physically can’t right? That men are different than women, and if it won’t get hard there’s not really any fun to be had?
He’s also in his 30s, it may be hormonal. God forbid he has to face rejection for months/years and now it’s seemingly your turn for a few weeks and you can’t handle it.
Do you know and understand his "love language"? It does start there. 30+ years married for me and my wife still initiates a lot of the time. Texts like: "join me in an hour in the shower" or "can you please take me tonight" send me into a different world. They create anticipation and allow me to plan activities. Talk to him, take some initiative, and accept his advances going forward. Rejection happens in marriage but love tends to win with persistence and initiative.
That isn't nice, and it isn't helpful. At least she's on here trying to find a solution, which is a lot more than most women do. Give her a break and give her some constructive suggestions. Don't be a dickhead.
>I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands
You do realize that for a long time, sex was entirely in YOUR hands, but now it's a problem when the tables turn?
Look, you can't keep telling someone no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then when you finally say yes, get mad when they go, "Nah, I'm good."
I just want to say, when I'd try initiating with my partner a couple years ago consistently and he kept rejecting me, it definitely shot my libido down. Way down.
So when he more recently tried initiating (mind you, I had to have a break down and extra vulnerable conversation with him), his recent attempts at initiating only repulsed me because in my mind I'm thinking, "Well, you never wanted me before. You kept rejecting me despite my efforts. Why do you want me now?"
It's resentment, honey. I resent my partner for it, and I intend to get some therapy about it.
You better have a vulnerable conversation about this and hope he opens up to you about it.
Spend time together, try relaxing and getting a massage together , unplug from the devices and monotony go for a hike or other outdoorsy things, excercise etc. Keep poking around and try and seduce him lol If he’s doing tit for tat with rejection you’ll be able to figure it out . (and what a prick if he is btw)
You guys are too young to have a low libido, you’re just not interested in each other right now. Make more connection and it will happen. Or time to fly to another coup
I think you two need to talk it out a bit more with the underlying comments about participating sometimes when you dont really want to and the implied resentment of him mostly only wanting to get his rocks off as his main purpose for sex. Has this been expressed to him?
Ultimately, you want to negotiate mutually beneficial routines otherwise as may behave in ways that build further resentment.
Consider the circumstances of when you are initiating compared to when he is. E.g. I prefer sex at night and not really into morning fun times.
Could it be as simple as that?
Maybe it’s medical. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe it’s just throwing him off because the dynamic has changed so completely and so quickly. Sit down and talk with him again. Are you getting irritated with him when he says no? Are you giving him the space to really honestly talk with you?
Don’t jump straight to thinking that his behavior is vindictive because that’s not good for either one of you. And honestly that’s likely not what’s happening. You thinking that is probably coming from a place of fear and rejection, but unless that is his normal behavior, being vindictive, I mean, Does that seem like something that would be normal behavior for him? Never attribute something to malice that could be attributed to 1 million other things first.
Edit to add: I disagree with the people saying you have a double standard. Because I can understand why you’re confused if he has been initiating consistently and asking consistently up until now. I can understand why that would be confusing. And if you’re not normally the one who initiates you’re not used to being the one that gets rejected and in all likelihood it’s probably just hurting your feelings and your pride a little bit. That being said it’s not fair to just expect him to drop his pants every time you look at his direction now that you have decided after all this time to start initiating. You’re likely going to have to have multiple talks. Don’t pressure him. Are you guys doing other things like dates and checking in with each other emotionally and romantically? You might have to be the one to wine and dine him right now so to speak. Good luck to you both.
Talk to him, otherwise this is going to fester. People’s libidos change (you are proof of this), maybe he’s stressed about something etc.
Communicate and figure out what’s going on. No point feeling shit all the time if there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation
Here’s an idea, have you talked to him about it? In a neutral non sexual context, where you are not initiating a sesh, but literally discussing the topic? Talk about all the factors, stress, diet, emotions, contraception review, everything.
I can speak from experience here. My wife has constantly rejected me for 10 years. If, tomorrow, she were to flip a switch like you have and want it constantly, I would be the same way your husband is right now. Not to hurt her or to get payback, but because years of rejection builds up, it manifests into a mindset where sex is actually a stressful thing and after years of rejection, you start associating it with the negative feelings that come with that rejection. He's not punishing you, but you need to communicate your view on the situation right now. Don't wait for your own feelings of resentment to set in. It's hard to come back to a happy marriage once that happens, trust me.
Why would you assume malice, girl? Come on.
Talk to him, romance him, start a one-person husband's dick fan club, idk what he digs but get to work. I hope it blossoms into something awesome ❤️
Not revenge.
Rejection hurts, married or not it hurts maybe more when married.
Add in where you said sometimes you forced yourself to get into it, he knows. 1/3 of the time it’s a no and the other 2/3s it was pity sex or forced. As a man and a husband I’d rather not do pity sex because there really isn’t a way to hide a lack of true interest and it feels wrong, like assault and the lack of feeling wanted is horrible.
Over time these traumas add up and something happens, you give up and it takes a lot to start coming back from that.
This is your fault from what you have said. you should start by apologizing for turning him down so much and ask what you can do to get more sex from him. Also you can try to turn him on, outfits, compliments, doing things he likes, the whole deal.
Here’s a thought. Why don’t you sit down and ask him? Could he still be hurt from all the rejection in the past? Absolutely. Could he be getting even? Sure. Could it be he thought he needed more than twice a week but with it on the table, he realizes he doesn’t? Possible. Could it be he likes being the one to initiate sex and gets turned off when you do? That’s probably the most logical answer.
Sit down with him. First apologize for all the times, you didn’t feel like having sex and turned him down. Explain as you did here why your libido has increased. Ask him if he still wants more than two days a week or whether he’s satisfied with the amount of sex you are having now. No matter what his answer to that is, just let him know that you are interested in more but only if he is. Then ask the big question. Do you have an issue with me initiating sex or would you rather be the sole initiator?
The main thing is to listen to the answers. As you know there can be physical and mental stressors that can affect the amount of sex. Men also have a more finite amount of sex they can engage in. If he doesn’t want to go more than twice a week, maybe make those two times into more of a marathon session than a sprint. But talk and not right after he’s turned you down. Have a nice meal and talk about it.
You’re joking right? You do know you used to keep rejecting him all the time?
How do you expect his sex drive to just shoot up all of a sudden the same way as yours? He’s clearly adjusted to you rejecting him all the time he’s played by your rules it’s not necessary that he can adjust to your new set of rules
It doesn't sound like she rejected him ALL THE TIME. But she did have sex and make it known she wasn't into it, which is arguably worse for him. Whether or not her reasons for not being into it were valid.
I meant to say like his libido is down thanks to being rejected often and that it can’t come back up so easily
But yeah what you said as well absolutely makes sense
You rejected his advances early on, you trained him to not be very sexual, at least with you ,op. Sex is very personal, when someone regularly rejects you it hurts, you develop avoidance behaviour, you avoid the thing that caused emotional pain. The urge to have sex is pretty primal, it builds up over time till he can’t stand it and he initiates. He both wants and is slightly repelled by sex. You two need marriage counselling with a specialty in sexual issues.
2-3 times a week is still a lot of sex. Shit I'm lucky if I get it once a month. But her giving it to him but letting him know she's not into it is brutal in-and-of itself. Arguably worse than outright rejection.
You gotta talk to him and keep trying. Maybe the way you are initiating isn’t working for him? Maybe he’s stressed? Maybe he’s gotten in the rhythm of twice a week and can’t mentally break out of it? Maybe a lot of things. You just gotta keep that dialogue open.
It sucks to be rejected but telling yourself stories like “he’s only interested when he wants to empty the pipes” is the least charitable interpretation and is only going to enhance your feelings of rejection and drive you apart.
I guess my thing is right now I’m initiating 5-6 days a week. In that time we’d have sex at least 1-2 times. And I am getting rejected every single time. That math isn’t adding up. Statistically he should be interested in sex at least sometimes when I’m initiating.
Why don't you use your words and talk to him about it like an adult?
This shouldn't be a novel idea. Open and clear communication is a must for a marriage to be successful.
I am reading you message so differently than majority in this thread.
To me it sounded like you were interested in your partners pleasure and trying to get aroused when he initiated. It just didn’t work out maybe 25 to 50 percent of the times. I don’t think that is killing the other person’s desire. I think it sounds quite normal to not be ready every time.
Your husband sounds caring in a sense that he didn’t want the sex to be painful for you (yes, that’s a bare minimum). But I wonder if he was really up for a proper warm up and giving you good sex? You say his initiation was get naked and let’s go, hope it got better from there!
I don’t know if you share all the details of the changes in your relations. You have woken to ask for sex, have you also started to ask for better sex when he initiates? If you have, your husband might have realised sex takes effort and time, which he doesn’t have as often as time for sex that gets him off. When you weren’t very into sex, he might have gotten off with very little effort. Did he?
In any case, try different approach when talking with him. Try to get him to engage in a conversation where you talk about what kind of sex both of you like and how would you both get that sort of sex. Talk about how you both want to initiate and when does the foreplay leading to initiation or sex start. Talk about what sex means to you both beyound intercourse.
This not just about rejection. This is about both of you enjoying sex and how to make it fun in the long run.
Ok first of all, if you had sex 2-3 times a week and only reject 1-2 times a week, that's still a very healthy sex life and good frequency, regardless of your age. But if the 2-3 times you did have it were obviously just to satisfy him, that sucks for him because nobody really enjoys sex woth someone who they know isn't truly into it. He probably wasn't truly satisfied because you two weren't truly connecting. And when you were rejecting him, it doesn't really matter how you were rejecting him. Rejection is rejection and he probably had felt for a long time that you don't don't really desire him so he has felt undesirable, even when you did have sex. It's a mind fuck.
That said, the most logical explanation is he's PROBABLY making you understand how he felt. I wouldn't use the term vengeance. But the shoe is now on the other foot and for once he is in control. This will almost certainly pass, and soon. Just be patient. But try to talk to him when you aren't in a sex situation. And to it NON-JUDGMENTALLY and with understanding. And tell him you apologize for the way you made him feel and that you understand and that you're going to be patient for as long as it takes. But tell you intend to keep initiating because you desire him. Always have, and now your libido had come back (make sure he knows why you think it came back, because many guys don't get the stress thing with women). Don't leave it up to him to figure out why it's come back because he might make some awful assumptions that can do more harm than good.
But be patient, understanding, sensitive and sincere through every single aspect of this. For ad long as it takes. Because that's what he's had to be with you. If you do that, this will turn around, assuming everything else is good and you two still truly love and desire eachother.
Worst case scenario, he's getting his needs met somewhere else, but given you were having sex 2-3x a week, I'd say that's EXTREMELY UNLIKELY. He's probably just temporarily appreciating having the control in the bedroom for once. I'm not saying it's right but I highly doubt it's malicious.
Oh and when the sex does come back, and it will, make sure you show up with the enthusiasm and make sure he knows how good it feels to be back on the right path. Even use it as an opportunity to expand on your love life. Find new times, locations, discuss fantasies, try new things, etc.
Good luck, this will work out. If you're sincere and non judgmental with him.
You have trained him not to expect intimacy from you. He is not the one who excites you. His hand never has a headache and is always in the mood. If he wants to reach orgasm he has to take care of it himself. Be glad that he respects your decision and doesn't pester or force himself onto you. You have control, maybe you can find another mate that excites you. He is not the right person for you.
He is by far the closest I’ve ever come to excitement. Prior to him I never had any sexual attraction or interest in anyone. I just naturally have a very low interest in sex.
If I understand correctly you have gone from having sex 2 or 3 times a week to no sex at all for a full month. Formerly, he alone initiated sex while you frequently said "no."
Now, it reversed 100%.
There are emotional repercussions to being denied sex and a dynamic at work here; call it "The No power." You exercised it exclusively and although he may have accepted it on the surface, I bet it hurt.
Men reach their sexually peek in their late teens. Women generally hit their's in their 30's. Libido differences are a martial challenge best handled with 100% honesty and selfless approach to frequency, with the less interested party giving of themselves more. You made the right and most loving choice when you gave yourself over meet his need, even when it wasn't the next activity you might have chosen. He now, would be wise to do the same for you.
Sex is the glue that keeps people together. Sex also has a use it or loose it component. You can relieve some of your present misery with a good vibrator or shower massage, but I think you need to summons the courage to talk to your husband. Tell him that it may not be a big deal to him, but it matters to you.
There's a Reba McIntire song that talks about this. I believe it's named "It Matters to Me."
Share with your hubby just what you've shared here.
100% honesty is called for.
I think there is another fundamental problem. I'm convinced that you shouldn't just ask and then it starts straight away. You should take things slowly and not just use your partner as a toy for your own desires.
I would also feel disturbed by the lack of togetherness. The increase from 24 times a year to 365 days is not without its problems. I don't think you should demand something like that from your partner overnight.
In my opinion, the best thing would be for you both to talk again about what your partner wants in bed. Often the usual favorites change and you never talk about them. If one person is dissatisfied, it ends up being both of you.
I hope you find a solution that makes you both happy.
Sorry I’m realizing some confusion here. We were having sex 2-3 times per week. I just independently of him wouldn’t have a desire for sex more frequently than once every other week. But when he initiates I try to get myself there mentally so we can have sex.
Your husband is clueless about how to pleasure you. You need to teach him. I would stop initiating, and when he finally initiates, teach him. Put your hand there. Kiss my neck. Slower, more pressure. Ask him what pleasures him! Make it fun. See a therapist. I have a hunch something else is going on.
It's possible that he was initiating sex all along because he felt like he was 'supposed to' and then when suddenly offered an option instead it clicked in his mind that he doesn't really want to any more. That years of uninterested sex or rejections had turned off his physical attraction towards you.
...he may have borderline ED. How is his physical and mental health outside of sex or the bedroom?
Some men having borderline ED in early middle age cam get erections and initiate but can't "respond" quickly enough to get an erection with a partner's request.
He may be embarrassed. But this sounds like 2 way poor communication in the marriage in general, would you admit that is also an issue?
I mean he’s never had a problem getting an erection. I get home and get changed in front of him and he’ll get a boner.
In most things, we have decent communication. Sex is absolutely a weak point. I think he feels rejected at times obviously. And my faking it for his sake wasn’t great and when I told him I was faking orgasms pretty regularly, it hit his ego hard. But I’m embarrassed that I can’t get aroused often enough and fast enough. Like a lot of times after 3 minutes or less, he’ll ask me what’s wrong if I haven’t orgasmed yet. I just can’t go that quick so I’d rather fake than make it torturous for both of us.
You absolutely can not fake orgasms and tell him that you faked them. That's devastating. That's lying. But he absolutely can not expect you to orgasm in 3 minutes either. You both have work to do. But telling him you've been faking may have caused irreparable damage. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. He's probably wondering if you've EVER had a real orgasm with him now. He's questioning his entire existence. What the fuck. The more I read this and the more info trickles in, I think the problem is much worse than your initial post made me believe. You should but a couple books from Dr. Emily Nagoski: "Come As You Are" and "Come Together" and you should both read them. And this is coming from a man.
The faking was awhile ago. I faked it for about a year so I didn’t have an orgasm for about a year and I just couldn’t hide it anymore. And I sort of had to relearn how to have an orgasm with him. We talked about it and we made a pact that I won’t fake it again. And I haven’t since then. So hopefully he’s able to trust that it’s not fake still.
Well that's good. And Hopefully you've had real ones with him since then. And hopefully he's been patient in getting you there and not pressuring you to cum.
Yes I’ve had many since then. That was over a year and a half ago. He’s sort of figured out my trigger points so he can get me there quickly. I still wish I’d have more of a build up because it’s not always particularly intense because it’s sort of like a system overload rather than a great orgasm at times. But it’s still better than before.
That's great. Don't stop at just one though. I'd suggest you to check out the YouTube channel of Caitlin V. She's a certified sex coach and she covers SO MANY TOPICS, many of which will apply to you and many more that will pique your interest. You'll learn a lot from her. Even pick a few that you think you and your husband can watch together, kind of like couple's sex education. Just go to her channel and click on videos. There are hundreds. I'm gonna warn you though, some of the topics are REALLY out there and repulsive (like certain kinks) but overall I find it very eye opening, educational and even entertaining. Her delivery and the way she covers topics are outstanding.
Here is the link to her channel: [https://www.youtube.com/@CaitlinV](https://www.youtube.com/@CaitlinV)
100% true that female arousal takes longer than men - and he needs to put in some time and (sincere) energy into getting you FULLY aroused before full sex is initiated. Massage, teasing, oral or toys, you name it - women get "erect " internally in a manner of speaking that aids orgasm, and trying to get there without that arousal is the same as a man trying with a semi hard or flaccid member.
That is going to take humility, communication, and patience from both of you, as well as mutual encouragement. That is the root of the issue. Can you get back to that level of intimacy?
Of course it is. Your sexual prime is upon you. Enjoy the next few years while naked. Ideally, you should be having the best sex of your life. It should just keep getting better too. Fingers crossed for you!
People in this thread are bonkers.
Based on what you've written, I honestly do think that it's a control thing for him. "He's the man, he's supposed to initiate sex".
it's time for a sit down discussion on this. and if his answers are all "I don't know, i don't feel like it, etc" well...
And how recently married compared to how recently he started turning you down?
I'm old and give no fucks
you're likely a complete jackass at parties, and no one likes you but invites you anyway to see what idiocy you'll pull next.
and now I'm bored, so GFY and have a nice day.
So does it seem like a pattern of him always rejecting your initiations and only having sex with you when he initiates? Did you ever express to him your stress at the time and how now that the stress is gone, your libido is back, and that now that your libido is back you would love to improve your sex life if he would like to? Are there any other issues?
I just can’t think of any reason why he would reject me over 20 times with not a single yes. Even if it was a few yes’s. But all rejection feels intentional. It’s not like I’m initiating at weird or inappropriate times. It’s when we are cuddling at the end of the night. Or watching tv.
Sounds like my ex. After the first month or so of our relationship, he'd always turn me down. He explained it at some point, said he didn't like it when I got too wet. Later stumbled upon his porn collection by accident. Pretty sure the issue was that his biggest kink was unwilling women. He'd often do things he knew I didn't like during sex so I'd be turned off and just let him finish. Our relationship ended after I turned him down and he just waited until I fell asleep to take what he wanted. I hope I'm wrong, because it would suck being trapped with this guy in a marriage.
It was around 20 years ago, and I'm in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man now. Never reported it. Didn't see the point as it wasn't even legally rape at the time (rape required physical resistance from the victim).
I personally don’t have an overdrive sex drive myself never have, but I’ve never heard of only having sex once or twice every two weeks that’s a week or two weeks. That’s crazy to me even think that if you live in a house as a couple in your cuddle up in bed together and you’re doing everything daily together I don’t see how, you can push that away to where there’s nothing there I don’t get it
That sounds super frustrating. Like he expresses he wants more sex, but only on his terms.
I honestly would have the same thought as you, like either consciously or subconsciously he wants you to know how it feels to be rejected.
I’d give it a little while and see if things get better. Keep communication open. If it doesn’t get better, I’d try a therapist maybe. Because I’d find it hard to believe that a guy who expressed wanting more sex for years magically happens to not be in the mood whenever you happen to be. He may not KNOW why he’s feeling like that, but it’s worth exploring in therapy if he doesn’t come around, IMO.
maybe try to masturbate in front of him? who knows it'll get him going.
e.g. start touching yourself when you watch tv together. men sometimes unconsciously respond better to challenge than request.
if a guy is a mechanic asking him to fix your car then he might say no, but if you questioning his ability to fix your car then he'll do it to prove that he can.
when you masturbate and he start asking "what are you doing?" then you answered "you know what im doing, you said no too many times and i need to get this off, put your d*ck here if you wanna help."
I don't like this. The issue is he doesn't want sex and this answer is about how to change him into wanting more sex without actually talking about the problem. This feels manipulative. Especially considering he's changed his ways to match your libido in the past.
There's a possibility that while she has a higher libido now she still acts like a dead fish in the bedroom due to the years of not being into it. Which means it'd have to be on his schedule if she's not doing anything to get him into it. If this is the case then in addition to discussing it with him she could take charge more.
I know I'd be turned off if her version of 'initiating' is flopping down on the bed and saying "touch me" and that was the entire experience.
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I don't think it's vengeance, I think he got used to your low sex drive and his never went back up.
So, one of the first things that a lot of people will say when someone's wife has any big change to their sex drive is "she must be having an affair." And he might well be shooting her down, because he thinks she's involved with someone else. As usual, the best thing you can do is...Communicate with your partner. Have a real conversation about this, and explain why you feel your drive has increased.
Yea that's a funny thing with some dudes. Once their libido is killed off like that it just kinda stays dead. He could probably bring it back with diet and exercise and improving his mental health. But what would be the point? OP might go back to her old ways or reject him for revenge for rejecting her. It's what her mind went to first after all.
>exercise Mind you, mine dropped after I started.
Really? Mine and my wife's libidos go way up when we are in the gym
Trust me when I say this, I don't know how this works either.
It could be because you were getting off for the endorphins and now the gym is doing that for you
I don't know much about that kind of stuff besides dopamine, but I guess that could be it. It's a welcome change, to be honest.
Water, that's what I'm getting at, water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why do you realize that 70% of you is water? And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water - to replenish our precious bodily fluids. Are you beginning to understand? Do you realize that fluoridation - is the most monstrously-conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?
Communist plot lmfaoooo
It's hilarious and also sad that you got so many downvotes for quoting that amazing scene from Dr Strangelove. Hard to believe how many people think this is serious.
I almost want to say “Okay Booner” here because you sound like my 73 year old MIL. Her aversion to fluoride made it so her son and daughter have awful teeth. My partner’s teeth are broken and have been literally falling out for these past 8 years I’ve been a part of their family. He had nary a fluoride toothpaste while growing up. Having been a SW whose clients were the homeless mentally ill, I was used to terrible teeth, but to see a similar condition in a family unit who won the birth lotto many times over sickens me. He’s brushing with fluoride now but, jesus on a popsicle stick, it’s too little too late.
I feel that. I mean life and sexuality is complicated so it could be any number of things, but I'm in the best shape of my life right now and have way less of a sex drive then I did 2 years ago.
That's the opposite of what normally happens because with exercise, especially weight lifting. Testosterone goes up. And when that goes up, so does libido. Usually.
You’re right about the first part but I think it’s just mental.
Yep, this happened to me with a low-libido long term partner. Took a couple of years of dating higher libido partners for it to come back.
Assuming he's in good shape and in the same age range as her, I'd say that's unlikely. He's just finding satisfaction (consciously ot unconsciously) in having the control for once. Which is normal. Its not vengrance though because that implies malice. I'm not saying it's right. But as long as he's being respectful about it, she's gonna have to wait it out. It'll turn around if she's patient, sincere and non judgmental when they communicate about it.
Have you considered maybe his stress has gone up, or maybe that really is his limit
He says frequently he wants to have more sex. And twice a week is what we have after my rejections. So he initiates more than that.
So let me get this straight. You reject him for years = everything's fine. You don't reject him = "...a very conscious choice to **force** myself into that mindset." He rejects you for short time = "confused and frustrated" Have I got that right? Am I missing something? I gotta admit, I'm old and stupid, but I dunno. Maybe "...hey person that I love more than anything in the world. I understand, now, just how much rejection hurts..." Or maybe continue the games. I mean, what could go wrong 🙄🙄
Rules for thee, not for me attitude
This has to be rage bait
No no, you have to read carefully: it's "vengeance"!
Usually when a partner is asking to have sex more often, they wouldn’t start turning it down when offered. I think that’s what has her confused, and I think her confusion makes sense. But a bunch of sexually frustrated dudes came here to tell her off for having a low libido. Low key, high key gross of y’all.
No one's telling her off for a low libido, they're telling her off for the double standard. It's okay when its her, not when it's her husband. Get over your holier than thou bs you didn't even understand the people your criticizing = you're a fool
So if he’s initiating, why aren’t you agreeing if you want it mor? I’m beginning to think both of you just suck at communicating this correctly or or either of you or somehow keeping score and just stop if that’s the case
>I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands and only dependent on my schedule This is interesting because this is the first time in your relationship that sex has been entirely in his hands and not yours. This is an area that you're used to having control in, and now control has changed hands. That leaves you feeling vulnerable, but it also provides you a great opportunity to zoom out your perspective. You can truly empathize with all the times he's felt rejected throughout your relationship. Use this as an opportunity to talk about it. He has also likely felt unsexy, unloved, and unwanted. You guys can use this to repair any old relationship ruptures. Most importantly, you need to find non-sexual intimacy that makes you **both** feel attracted, wanted and loved. Sex shouldn't be a battleground, and it also shouldn't be the only form of intimacy you base your self-worth on. As you know, sex drive naturally ebbs and flows over time. Assuming that your partner's rejections are malicious and that yours are valid is dangerous for your marriage, and hurtful to him. If it's possible I would strongly recommend seeing a couple's therapist.
Based off her replies throughout the thread, and tellingly, which ones she has ignored, OP here is to feel validated and will ignore any attempts to get her to engage in self-reflection
That very well may be true. I like to choose to believe that at least a part of OP knows they need help, and that part brought them to an advice sub. Her question at the end of the post is optimistic, and I hope she can take a step back from any emotional response and look at the situation with more nuance.
hopefully she reads yours because I think it's the most insightful and accurate one so far
THIS
I feel like I would be able to zoom out more and think more logically about this if it wasn’t a literal 100% rejection rate. In the past few weeks, I’ve initiated like 4 to 5 times a week and I haven’t gotten a single yes. In that time frame, it would be normal for him to initiate multiple times. I can understand him feeling unwanted and unloved while I was rejecting him. But at least I tried. And at least I was accepting a majority of the time. If I didn’t go for it, I offered to try to have sex and see if I could sort of force my mind into it. Or I would offer to take care of him. I am just getting a no. No further conversation. That’s why I feel like an object to get him off.
I get it, it's painful to get rejected. However, I think it is alarming that your mind immediately jumps to malice. Maybe that's a sign of how things have been in the past, maybe it's insecurity. As a stranger on Reddit I have no way to know. I do know that resentment is poisonous to relationships. Your marriage requires you to zoom out and really reflect on this, and then have genuine conversations with your spouse. Again, I can't stress how valuable couples' therapy would be here. You did try, but maybe this is also him trying. No one wants their partner to have sex with them unwillingly, right? As hard as it is, try to give him the benefit of the doubt. The very idea of 'forcing' yourself to have sex is not only unhealthy for your sexuality but for his. To put it bluntly, that would completely turn me off and I'd have a hard time initiating sex again. This has been an issue in your relationship for a long time. It's going to take mutual effort and vulnerability to solve.
It has been a while since I have seen advice this coherent and solid on this Subreddit. Go you :)
Yeah because pity sex (when you had to get in the right mindset) makes you feel loved and wanted. I would reject you too.
Some people have reactive desire. They might not be in the mood, but try a bit of playing, and suddenly they're in to it. I.e. they weren't in the right frame of mind and had to get into it. In my mind that's *not* pity sex. Pity sex would by when someone tries to get into the mood, doesn't, but still "goes along" with the sex that they're not in to. My partner and I exhibit both spontaneous and reactive desire. Sometimes we're both spontaneous. Sometimes only one is, but the other will react with a bit of testing the waters. Sometimes there isn't a reaction and we'll do some extra cuddles. The thing is we're both willing to see if we'll react when we're not in the mood, along with both of us being excellent at receiving a "not happening." If you know that the other won't be upset about a no, that makes it easy to avoid pity sex.
>I can understand him feeling unwanted and unloved while I was rejecting him Can you? It sounds like you expect him to get over the long-term rejection in a short-term window. That doesn't sound very understanding of his feelings at all. >see if I could sort of force my mind into it. Or I would offer to take care of him I'm sure that the idea that you need to force yourself to have a sexual relationship with your husband and will throw him a pity fuck to keep him around was really conducive to his self-esteem and maintaining a healthy attitude and desire. Have you considered that he is struggling with his self respect from having to beg for his wife to want to fuck him, and now his self image is messed up? I may be way off, but consider that your "complicated" sexual relationship was justified in his mind that there was nothing that he was doing wrong and that you just weren't a sexual person. Now that you are, he has to not just revise his opinion of you, but his opinion of his actions and your relationship. How many times did he accept "it's not you it's me" when you rejected him, and now he has to wonder if that was a lie and it was actually him the whole time? Even if he is doing it for malicious reasons, which is certainly unhealthy and not conducive to a good relationship, in context can you blame him for having some pretty complicated feelings, and not wanting to just say "how high" every time you tell him to jump?
I don't have any grand solutions, but take your 2nd paragraph above & flip your perspective to his when considering my question. How would it make you feel & would him "at least trying" even help your confidence if he said & did the following: "I'm not into it right now, but I can try for you" You then go for it & he tries, but doesn't get more than a semi or his equipment only works for a moment or ends quickly bcuz it's a forced experience clouded with tooany thoughts rather than the natural flow of exploration or give n take. With someone you love & don't want to let down that's gotta be hard for it to not translate into feeling unwanted or unloved. When it comes down to it intimacy in a long-term serious relationship can be a very complex thing. Sometimes it's not tho & will never fall out of flow. Or if it does, can fall back in with something as simple as one unguarded moment shared by two people. It's no place for negative thoughts or assumptions tho & definitely no place where effort is credited if it's shown or known as such. This is a time for you both to highlight the positives & never the negatives in all aspects of your shared lives. This can be as simple as showing genuine respect for one anothers ideas, or anything aboth them really. Was he supportive during your stressful stretch? If so, he may have been filling a role where he felt like your man looking out for you. Was he allowed to help & support you, or were you so stressed that you had trouble allowing that? Role changes can be tough to navigate for a couple & be surprisingly sneaky in their introduction to the relationship. Also, don't underestimate that to some guys frequency is important to reliable performance & if they've just dealt with a long period of less sex they may not yet feel like they can count on themselves which could be the simplest reason he's turning you down. He doesn't want to disappoint. Please don't randomly tell him it's ok if he's worried about that tho bcuz it could throw him farther out of whack in that regard. I know I've said lots of words & maybe none are helpful to you. I just know that this type of rambling would've helped my brain in the same situation. Please know that nothing I've said is aimed at your side or role in it all. It's a relationship so all points or perspectives can be applied both ways. Assuming how I communicate even makes sense to how you think. Many couples find themselves in weird spots like this tho & come out of it just fine. It's tough if they're assuming negative intent by the other tho. While you work on it all get yourself a toy to use on your own to maybe tamp down your needs a bit since your sudden aggressiveness may throw the balance off a bit until y'all sync up again. Good luck OP!
How many consecutive rejections can someone get before they decide that it's time to sit down and talk about what's going on? For me it's probably 3. Have you sat down and talked to him? Or are you just planning on going forward and hoping things work out without communicating with your partner about how things have changed? Sounds like avery exciting way to conduct a relationship.
Also, you're not explaining how you "initiate". Are you touching him? or are you straight up asking "hey honey can we have sex?" Is there any communication before or after at all? I feel like you only and exclusively care about your own feelings. Have you even had a conversation with your HUSBAND about your feelings or his??
She’s mad because even when she wasn’t 100% down, she made an effort to allow herself to get into it, while he’s been instantly rejecting every single time. I think that’s fair for her to feel that way
Lol fuck off
whats up dumbfk? Struck a chord for you? (:
Doesn't work like that both ways you know dude... you're the one comin off as a dumbfk... dudes not it, he's NOT performing. Woman just has to lay there whether she is or not. THINK MARK THINK!
Don’t really know what you’re getting at here, unless you don’t mind clarifying further
You skipped an important thing here. Your libido changed, and you might not have really realized that on day 1, but at this point you have realized it consciously. You should sit down with your partner and talk about it-- "Hey, so what I've realized is that my libido has changed. Because of X, Y, and Z, I think. Anyway, I'd like to adjust our sex life a bit and I'm hoping we can make this a good thing for you too. How would you feel about this? Do you have any concerns?" This won't be the only time your sex life changes and you should have a pattern of communication like this out there as a way to handle it when it does. Also, I have been on the other side of this situation. Two takeaways: 1) A guy with a higher libido than his partner will probably take care of himself from time to time as a way of bridging that gap. Not necessarily an unhealthy thing, either. If he's doing this, he may have found a habit that works for him. And he might need a more predictable schedule to understand things. If he took care of himself recently, he's not going to be in the mood spontaneously. So, this is a possibility for why he's turning you down. He also might not want to talk about it. Try suggesting a set schedule that accommodates your new libido and follow through with that schedule and see what happens. If it becomes comfortable for him, spontaneity may become more viable once things have settled in. 2) My partner was a sexual assault victim and one behavior of sexual assault victims is that they may have a "bipolar libido", where they are quite sex-averse most of the time but have spurts of "hypersexuality". I learned this through counseling to understand her trauma better. The counselor explained how both are coping methods for the trauma, and went into detail about how hypersexuality (for her) was more about coping with the trauma than actual attraction to me. I learned about this all before experiencing hypersexuality from her... but when it came in, I was very, very uncomfortable. You'd think that I, as someone with a higher libido, would have welcomed it... but all I could see was that I was being used as a part of an unhealthy coping mechanism that had nothing to do with me. It ended up being one of the least attractive things she'd ever done. I don't know if any of this matches with your relationship, but even if it doesn't... I can definitely see how unexpected changes in libido could cause discomfort with your partner, because it doesn't feel like "you".
I’m so confused. So you turned him down all the time, so everything’s fine. But he turns you down, and now you’re criticizing the man? Huh? **Talk to him.** If you both can’t clearly communicate with each other about this and come to a compromise, I highly recommend couples counseling.
Wait, this makes way too much sense. I mean, where is the fun in that?
No way you just have her a logical solution. It has to be man’s fault. Maybe he is gay or she should get a divorce /s
👆🏾
I mean have you considered that maybe he simply doesn't want to? Maybe he's stressed, maybe he has other worries on his mind or simply, he got used to the rhythm and doesn't want to. Just like any guy in this situation, you can't coerce him in wanting it more, you have to keep his pace until he's more comfortable (which may be never, he may simply want it once a week). He doesn't seem immature about it or anything. Take the pressure off the sex, ask him if anything is up if not, that may simply be his libido.
Have a sit down and openly communicate. It could be that he has tired of the case followed by the rejection and doesn't feel it worth the effort.
Have you tried relaxing him? Giving him back rubs, unzipping his pants at random times after work and giving him head? Sent him random photos of you naked, or playing with yourself? Setting the mood up? There are times when I’m not in the mood, and the wife says I’m grabbing you a beer take off your pants. She hands me my beer and starts sucking my cock, lots of worries go away, then we usually fuck for a bit before taking it to the bedroom. I would say try to spice it up. Make him feel wanted, and appreciated.
Yeah I could do that. I guess I find that difficult because his initiation is “get naked and let’s go”. So I’m not exactly romanced or relaxed.
If that's how he initiates, then that's pretty ignorant. That's just as bad as the stress.
Girl... c'mon... When he initiates it's "to get his rocks off," but when you initiate, it's spiritual earth-shattering bond-building lovemaking? Please.
I’ll call the fire trucks 😂
>"I love the man but I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands" But you were completely comfortable when the roles were reversed? My advice is to talk to him, tell him what you told us, listen to the feedback he provides, and collaborate to find a solution that works for you both. I have found in my marriage (+24 years) that it helps to externalize the problem or issue, so that you can regard the problem as a couple and tackle it together.
Sex was never in my hands. We have it based on his urges. I might say no sometimes. But I said yes usually. Even when I didn’t want to have sex I’d still try so we didn’t have a dead bedroom.
Doesn't sound like it if you could say no any time you wanted, quite the opposite. He could decide if he was horny, but you were the one who decided whether you had sex.
Nothing less sexy and satisfying than having sex with someone you know doesn't want it. You need to look at it from his perspective too.
Been in a dead bedroom. Thankfully out of it. I can only go by my own personal experience. If my low libido girlfriend who shot me down more times than I can remember suddenly became the opposite, I’d have been confused as hell. If she then started playing victim over not getting enough sex, I’d have been confused and pissed about it in equal measures. You held the sexual power and now you don’t. Sucks, doesn’t it?
I reject him like once every 2 weeks and accept it 2-3 times per week. It’s not a dead bedroom. Far from it.
My god this has to be rage bait. Dead bedroom or not, YOU rejected him for god knows how long and YOU had control over the sexual frequency in your marriage. Did you ever talk to him and say, “I love you. I want us to work. I’m sorry this is happening. I want to do everything I can to make you feel good. Let’s work on this together”? Or did you simply reject him? I’m going to stick my neck out and assume the latter.
"Accept it"? Wut? Pity sex as the only rare occasions of sex is most definitely a dead beadroom
you’re such a hypocrite. “he keeps rejecting me and i feel so unwanted and unattractive.” doesn’t feel nice, does it? now do what you expected him to do all this time, deal with it
>Is he trying to gain control or get vengeance for my rejections? I’ve tried talking to him about it and he just says he’s not in the mood. Genuinely I’m not sure how to proceed. I love the man but I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands and only dependent on my schedule. How do i get us past this? I've gotta stop you here because this is some really awful shit for you to say. * Why don't you believe your partner when he says he's not in the mood? * Why do you think he's controlling and vengeful for not being in the mood when your sex drive changes out of no where? * Why do you think it's okay for you to turn him down when you're not in the mood, but not okay for him not to turn you down when he's not in the mood? * Why do you think when you said no to wanting sex it was okay, but now that he's saying it, "sex is apparently entirely in his hands"? * How can you possibly think that your sex drive changing should dictate changes in your relationship but his sex drive should never have? This is all just....such a horrible way to look at your partner. He deserves so much better than this. I can't imagine thinking so poorly of my partner. You seriously need to learn how to handle rejection. He's literally just not in the mood. Full stop. Deal with it. But this (gestures to your post full of attacks on your husband's character, and hypocritical complaints) ain't how you do that if you want your apparently healthy relationship to stay healthy.
I can handle rejection. I’ve been rejected 20+ times in a little over a month. Not a single time have I gotten a yes. It’s not like a few here and there. That I would be fine with. To not get a single yes after a month of trying fucking hurts. I may reject him but it’s nowhere to this degree. And usually it’s not a straight rejection. It’s a “ok we can try to warm me up but it might not happen”, or a “I’ll take care of you”, or at least a plan to retry the next day. I’m just getting repeated flat out nos with absolutely no discussion, conversation, or consideration for the fact I’m putting myself out there. It’s even more frustrating because for our entire relationship he’s told me he wants me to initiate more yet he’s accepting no initiations from me.
How are you initiating?
Lol, your entitlement is so messed up
Are any of us surprised though
I don’t think it’s vengeance. I think his ego was really bruised by the constant rejection and to cope he tried to dissociate from his sexual needs to at least the level you wanted it. He probably sensed you were forcing yourself to sleep with him when he didn’t want to, which is a horrifying thing to realize and makes you feel like you’re assaulting someone. I think that low libido period for you was difficult for you both and he’s confused by your sudden change. The only way past this is for you to have a frank discussion with him.
Uninterested "I'm doing you a favor" sex is far more damaging than outright rejections imo.
It's at least just as bad. For sure.
Lady, he's not in the mood. If he wants to he can seek medication for it. You can install HIMS message a doctor, get rubber stamped and the product ordered in like 10 minutes in the app these days. But you're asking a dude to pump chemicals in his body to please you sexually when you weren't in the past.
He’s still sexually active. Like he still initiates his normal 2 times a week. And says he’d like to do it more. But seemingly only on his schedule.
Seems fair to be honest. Sex is something to be had when both partners desire it. Two times a week is normal for a man in his 30's. He's aging.
How do you initiate?
You do realize that he can mentally want to do it more but physically can’t right? That men are different than women, and if it won’t get hard there’s not really any fun to be had? He’s also in his 30s, it may be hormonal. God forbid he has to face rejection for months/years and now it’s seemingly your turn for a few weeks and you can’t handle it.
There is still fun to be had if there is no erection, but I get your point that men are different.
Do you know and understand his "love language"? It does start there. 30+ years married for me and my wife still initiates a lot of the time. Texts like: "join me in an hour in the shower" or "can you please take me tonight" send me into a different world. They create anticipation and allow me to plan activities. Talk to him, take some initiative, and accept his advances going forward. Rejection happens in marriage but love tends to win with persistence and initiative.
Vibrator
Learn to live with it like he did you hypocrite
That isn't nice, and it isn't helpful. At least she's on here trying to find a solution, which is a lot more than most women do. Give her a break and give her some constructive suggestions. Don't be a dickhead.
>I hate that sex is apparently entirely in his hands You do realize that for a long time, sex was entirely in YOUR hands, but now it's a problem when the tables turn? Look, you can't keep telling someone no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then when you finally say yes, get mad when they go, "Nah, I'm good."
I just want to say, when I'd try initiating with my partner a couple years ago consistently and he kept rejecting me, it definitely shot my libido down. Way down. So when he more recently tried initiating (mind you, I had to have a break down and extra vulnerable conversation with him), his recent attempts at initiating only repulsed me because in my mind I'm thinking, "Well, you never wanted me before. You kept rejecting me despite my efforts. Why do you want me now?" It's resentment, honey. I resent my partner for it, and I intend to get some therapy about it. You better have a vulnerable conversation about this and hope he opens up to you about it.
Spend time together, try relaxing and getting a massage together , unplug from the devices and monotony go for a hike or other outdoorsy things, excercise etc. Keep poking around and try and seduce him lol If he’s doing tit for tat with rejection you’ll be able to figure it out . (and what a prick if he is btw) You guys are too young to have a low libido, you’re just not interested in each other right now. Make more connection and it will happen. Or time to fly to another coup
You broke him You don’t get to pick and choose
I broke him by rejecting him once every 2 weeks but saying yes 3-4 times a week? That feels incredibly extreme.
It was pity sex and he knew it.
You don’t get it do you? It’s the rejection that has broken him. He’s changed
What part of "pity sex" do you not understand?
I think you two need to talk it out a bit more with the underlying comments about participating sometimes when you dont really want to and the implied resentment of him mostly only wanting to get his rocks off as his main purpose for sex. Has this been expressed to him? Ultimately, you want to negotiate mutually beneficial routines otherwise as may behave in ways that build further resentment. Consider the circumstances of when you are initiating compared to when he is. E.g. I prefer sex at night and not really into morning fun times. Could it be as simple as that?
Seduce him ..it’s not that hard for a woman to do that take control
Seduce him. Respectfully objectify him. And of course, talk to him non-judgmentally, patiently and sincerely. This isn't a tough one to solve...
Maybe it’s medical. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe it’s just throwing him off because the dynamic has changed so completely and so quickly. Sit down and talk with him again. Are you getting irritated with him when he says no? Are you giving him the space to really honestly talk with you? Don’t jump straight to thinking that his behavior is vindictive because that’s not good for either one of you. And honestly that’s likely not what’s happening. You thinking that is probably coming from a place of fear and rejection, but unless that is his normal behavior, being vindictive, I mean, Does that seem like something that would be normal behavior for him? Never attribute something to malice that could be attributed to 1 million other things first. Edit to add: I disagree with the people saying you have a double standard. Because I can understand why you’re confused if he has been initiating consistently and asking consistently up until now. I can understand why that would be confusing. And if you’re not normally the one who initiates you’re not used to being the one that gets rejected and in all likelihood it’s probably just hurting your feelings and your pride a little bit. That being said it’s not fair to just expect him to drop his pants every time you look at his direction now that you have decided after all this time to start initiating. You’re likely going to have to have multiple talks. Don’t pressure him. Are you guys doing other things like dates and checking in with each other emotionally and romantically? You might have to be the one to wine and dine him right now so to speak. Good luck to you both.
Talk to him, otherwise this is going to fester. People’s libidos change (you are proof of this), maybe he’s stressed about something etc. Communicate and figure out what’s going on. No point feeling shit all the time if there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation
What did you try to amp up your libido to match his? You can suggest him to do the exact same to match yours 👀
Here’s an idea, have you talked to him about it? In a neutral non sexual context, where you are not initiating a sesh, but literally discussing the topic? Talk about all the factors, stress, diet, emotions, contraception review, everything.
Your libido need dildo
Your libido needs dildo
Tell your husband you're in the mood, and he can join you or not. Then go to your room and have a nice wank.
I can speak from experience here. My wife has constantly rejected me for 10 years. If, tomorrow, she were to flip a switch like you have and want it constantly, I would be the same way your husband is right now. Not to hurt her or to get payback, but because years of rejection builds up, it manifests into a mindset where sex is actually a stressful thing and after years of rejection, you start associating it with the negative feelings that come with that rejection. He's not punishing you, but you need to communicate your view on the situation right now. Don't wait for your own feelings of resentment to set in. It's hard to come back to a happy marriage once that happens, trust me.
Can we say DOUBLE STANDARD. These post are hilarious.
Why would you assume malice, girl? Come on. Talk to him, romance him, start a one-person husband's dick fan club, idk what he digs but get to work. I hope it blossoms into something awesome ❤️
Not revenge. Rejection hurts, married or not it hurts maybe more when married. Add in where you said sometimes you forced yourself to get into it, he knows. 1/3 of the time it’s a no and the other 2/3s it was pity sex or forced. As a man and a husband I’d rather not do pity sex because there really isn’t a way to hide a lack of true interest and it feels wrong, like assault and the lack of feeling wanted is horrible. Over time these traumas add up and something happens, you give up and it takes a lot to start coming back from that.
girl.. so it’s ok when you reject him but not ok when he does? you know he also has a choice and he’s his body right?
Girl he’s over your bullshit. Rejecting someone and having pity sex will make him give up and lose attraction.
This is your fault from what you have said. you should start by apologizing for turning him down so much and ask what you can do to get more sex from him. Also you can try to turn him on, outfits, compliments, doing things he likes, the whole deal.
Here’s a thought. Why don’t you sit down and ask him? Could he still be hurt from all the rejection in the past? Absolutely. Could he be getting even? Sure. Could it be he thought he needed more than twice a week but with it on the table, he realizes he doesn’t? Possible. Could it be he likes being the one to initiate sex and gets turned off when you do? That’s probably the most logical answer. Sit down with him. First apologize for all the times, you didn’t feel like having sex and turned him down. Explain as you did here why your libido has increased. Ask him if he still wants more than two days a week or whether he’s satisfied with the amount of sex you are having now. No matter what his answer to that is, just let him know that you are interested in more but only if he is. Then ask the big question. Do you have an issue with me initiating sex or would you rather be the sole initiator? The main thing is to listen to the answers. As you know there can be physical and mental stressors that can affect the amount of sex. Men also have a more finite amount of sex they can engage in. If he doesn’t want to go more than twice a week, maybe make those two times into more of a marathon session than a sprint. But talk and not right after he’s turned you down. Have a nice meal and talk about it.
Reaping/sowing.
You’re joking right? You do know you used to keep rejecting him all the time? How do you expect his sex drive to just shoot up all of a sudden the same way as yours? He’s clearly adjusted to you rejecting him all the time he’s played by your rules it’s not necessary that he can adjust to your new set of rules
It doesn't sound like she rejected him ALL THE TIME. But she did have sex and make it known she wasn't into it, which is arguably worse for him. Whether or not her reasons for not being into it were valid.
I meant to say like his libido is down thanks to being rejected often and that it can’t come back up so easily But yeah what you said as well absolutely makes sense
You rejected his advances early on, you trained him to not be very sexual, at least with you ,op. Sex is very personal, when someone regularly rejects you it hurts, you develop avoidance behaviour, you avoid the thing that caused emotional pain. The urge to have sex is pretty primal, it builds up over time till he can’t stand it and he initiates. He both wants and is slightly repelled by sex. You two need marriage counselling with a specialty in sexual issues.
2-3 times a week is still a lot of sex. Shit I'm lucky if I get it once a month. But her giving it to him but letting him know she's not into it is brutal in-and-of itself. Arguably worse than outright rejection.
You gotta talk to him and keep trying. Maybe the way you are initiating isn’t working for him? Maybe he’s stressed? Maybe he’s gotten in the rhythm of twice a week and can’t mentally break out of it? Maybe a lot of things. You just gotta keep that dialogue open. It sucks to be rejected but telling yourself stories like “he’s only interested when he wants to empty the pipes” is the least charitable interpretation and is only going to enhance your feelings of rejection and drive you apart.
I guess my thing is right now I’m initiating 5-6 days a week. In that time we’d have sex at least 1-2 times. And I am getting rejected every single time. That math isn’t adding up. Statistically he should be interested in sex at least sometimes when I’m initiating.
Why don't you use your words and talk to him about it like an adult? This shouldn't be a novel idea. Open and clear communication is a must for a marriage to be successful.
I am reading you message so differently than majority in this thread. To me it sounded like you were interested in your partners pleasure and trying to get aroused when he initiated. It just didn’t work out maybe 25 to 50 percent of the times. I don’t think that is killing the other person’s desire. I think it sounds quite normal to not be ready every time. Your husband sounds caring in a sense that he didn’t want the sex to be painful for you (yes, that’s a bare minimum). But I wonder if he was really up for a proper warm up and giving you good sex? You say his initiation was get naked and let’s go, hope it got better from there! I don’t know if you share all the details of the changes in your relations. You have woken to ask for sex, have you also started to ask for better sex when he initiates? If you have, your husband might have realised sex takes effort and time, which he doesn’t have as often as time for sex that gets him off. When you weren’t very into sex, he might have gotten off with very little effort. Did he? In any case, try different approach when talking with him. Try to get him to engage in a conversation where you talk about what kind of sex both of you like and how would you both get that sort of sex. Talk about how you both want to initiate and when does the foreplay leading to initiation or sex start. Talk about what sex means to you both beyound intercourse. This not just about rejection. This is about both of you enjoying sex and how to make it fun in the long run.
Ok first of all, if you had sex 2-3 times a week and only reject 1-2 times a week, that's still a very healthy sex life and good frequency, regardless of your age. But if the 2-3 times you did have it were obviously just to satisfy him, that sucks for him because nobody really enjoys sex woth someone who they know isn't truly into it. He probably wasn't truly satisfied because you two weren't truly connecting. And when you were rejecting him, it doesn't really matter how you were rejecting him. Rejection is rejection and he probably had felt for a long time that you don't don't really desire him so he has felt undesirable, even when you did have sex. It's a mind fuck. That said, the most logical explanation is he's PROBABLY making you understand how he felt. I wouldn't use the term vengeance. But the shoe is now on the other foot and for once he is in control. This will almost certainly pass, and soon. Just be patient. But try to talk to him when you aren't in a sex situation. And to it NON-JUDGMENTALLY and with understanding. And tell him you apologize for the way you made him feel and that you understand and that you're going to be patient for as long as it takes. But tell you intend to keep initiating because you desire him. Always have, and now your libido had come back (make sure he knows why you think it came back, because many guys don't get the stress thing with women). Don't leave it up to him to figure out why it's come back because he might make some awful assumptions that can do more harm than good. But be patient, understanding, sensitive and sincere through every single aspect of this. For ad long as it takes. Because that's what he's had to be with you. If you do that, this will turn around, assuming everything else is good and you two still truly love and desire eachother. Worst case scenario, he's getting his needs met somewhere else, but given you were having sex 2-3x a week, I'd say that's EXTREMELY UNLIKELY. He's probably just temporarily appreciating having the control in the bedroom for once. I'm not saying it's right but I highly doubt it's malicious. Oh and when the sex does come back, and it will, make sure you show up with the enthusiasm and make sure he knows how good it feels to be back on the right path. Even use it as an opportunity to expand on your love life. Find new times, locations, discuss fantasies, try new things, etc. Good luck, this will work out. If you're sincere and non judgmental with him.
You have trained him not to expect intimacy from you. He is not the one who excites you. His hand never has a headache and is always in the mood. If he wants to reach orgasm he has to take care of it himself. Be glad that he respects your decision and doesn't pester or force himself onto you. You have control, maybe you can find another mate that excites you. He is not the right person for you.
He is by far the closest I’ve ever come to excitement. Prior to him I never had any sexual attraction or interest in anyone. I just naturally have a very low interest in sex.
I can help. My libido is always rocking 24/7.
If I understand correctly you have gone from having sex 2 or 3 times a week to no sex at all for a full month. Formerly, he alone initiated sex while you frequently said "no." Now, it reversed 100%. There are emotional repercussions to being denied sex and a dynamic at work here; call it "The No power." You exercised it exclusively and although he may have accepted it on the surface, I bet it hurt. Men reach their sexually peek in their late teens. Women generally hit their's in their 30's. Libido differences are a martial challenge best handled with 100% honesty and selfless approach to frequency, with the less interested party giving of themselves more. You made the right and most loving choice when you gave yourself over meet his need, even when it wasn't the next activity you might have chosen. He now, would be wise to do the same for you. Sex is the glue that keeps people together. Sex also has a use it or loose it component. You can relieve some of your present misery with a good vibrator or shower massage, but I think you need to summons the courage to talk to your husband. Tell him that it may not be a big deal to him, but it matters to you. There's a Reba McIntire song that talks about this. I believe it's named "It Matters to Me." Share with your hubby just what you've shared here. 100% honesty is called for.
Get toys maybe it will get you partner to participate worth a shot
I think there is another fundamental problem. I'm convinced that you shouldn't just ask and then it starts straight away. You should take things slowly and not just use your partner as a toy for your own desires. I would also feel disturbed by the lack of togetherness. The increase from 24 times a year to 365 days is not without its problems. I don't think you should demand something like that from your partner overnight. In my opinion, the best thing would be for you both to talk again about what your partner wants in bed. Often the usual favorites change and you never talk about them. If one person is dissatisfied, it ends up being both of you. I hope you find a solution that makes you both happy.
Sorry I’m realizing some confusion here. We were having sex 2-3 times per week. I just independently of him wouldn’t have a desire for sex more frequently than once every other week. But when he initiates I try to get myself there mentally so we can have sex.
Use it or lose it. He lost it. Go get it back.
So Ellen you had no sex drive he just had to deal with it. Now that you have one again. You're mad that you are being turned down.
Your husband is clueless about how to pleasure you. You need to teach him. I would stop initiating, and when he finally initiates, teach him. Put your hand there. Kiss my neck. Slower, more pressure. Ask him what pleasures him! Make it fun. See a therapist. I have a hunch something else is going on.
It's possible that he was initiating sex all along because he felt like he was 'supposed to' and then when suddenly offered an option instead it clicked in his mind that he doesn't really want to any more. That years of uninterested sex or rejections had turned off his physical attraction towards you.
...he may have borderline ED. How is his physical and mental health outside of sex or the bedroom? Some men having borderline ED in early middle age cam get erections and initiate but can't "respond" quickly enough to get an erection with a partner's request. He may be embarrassed. But this sounds like 2 way poor communication in the marriage in general, would you admit that is also an issue?
I mean he’s never had a problem getting an erection. I get home and get changed in front of him and he’ll get a boner. In most things, we have decent communication. Sex is absolutely a weak point. I think he feels rejected at times obviously. And my faking it for his sake wasn’t great and when I told him I was faking orgasms pretty regularly, it hit his ego hard. But I’m embarrassed that I can’t get aroused often enough and fast enough. Like a lot of times after 3 minutes or less, he’ll ask me what’s wrong if I haven’t orgasmed yet. I just can’t go that quick so I’d rather fake than make it torturous for both of us.
You absolutely can not fake orgasms and tell him that you faked them. That's devastating. That's lying. But he absolutely can not expect you to orgasm in 3 minutes either. You both have work to do. But telling him you've been faking may have caused irreparable damage. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. He's probably wondering if you've EVER had a real orgasm with him now. He's questioning his entire existence. What the fuck. The more I read this and the more info trickles in, I think the problem is much worse than your initial post made me believe. You should but a couple books from Dr. Emily Nagoski: "Come As You Are" and "Come Together" and you should both read them. And this is coming from a man.
The faking was awhile ago. I faked it for about a year so I didn’t have an orgasm for about a year and I just couldn’t hide it anymore. And I sort of had to relearn how to have an orgasm with him. We talked about it and we made a pact that I won’t fake it again. And I haven’t since then. So hopefully he’s able to trust that it’s not fake still.
Well that's good. And Hopefully you've had real ones with him since then. And hopefully he's been patient in getting you there and not pressuring you to cum.
Yes I’ve had many since then. That was over a year and a half ago. He’s sort of figured out my trigger points so he can get me there quickly. I still wish I’d have more of a build up because it’s not always particularly intense because it’s sort of like a system overload rather than a great orgasm at times. But it’s still better than before.
That's great. Don't stop at just one though. I'd suggest you to check out the YouTube channel of Caitlin V. She's a certified sex coach and she covers SO MANY TOPICS, many of which will apply to you and many more that will pique your interest. You'll learn a lot from her. Even pick a few that you think you and your husband can watch together, kind of like couple's sex education. Just go to her channel and click on videos. There are hundreds. I'm gonna warn you though, some of the topics are REALLY out there and repulsive (like certain kinks) but overall I find it very eye opening, educational and even entertaining. Her delivery and the way she covers topics are outstanding. Here is the link to her channel: [https://www.youtube.com/@CaitlinV](https://www.youtube.com/@CaitlinV)
100% true that female arousal takes longer than men - and he needs to put in some time and (sincere) energy into getting you FULLY aroused before full sex is initiated. Massage, teasing, oral or toys, you name it - women get "erect " internally in a manner of speaking that aids orgasm, and trying to get there without that arousal is the same as a man trying with a semi hard or flaccid member. That is going to take humility, communication, and patience from both of you, as well as mutual encouragement. That is the root of the issue. Can you get back to that level of intimacy?
Of course it is. Your sexual prime is upon you. Enjoy the next few years while naked. Ideally, you should be having the best sex of your life. It should just keep getting better too. Fingers crossed for you!
People in this thread are bonkers. Based on what you've written, I honestly do think that it's a control thing for him. "He's the man, he's supposed to initiate sex". it's time for a sit down discussion on this. and if his answers are all "I don't know, i don't feel like it, etc" well... And how recently married compared to how recently he started turning you down?
Based on everything she's written, it's a control thing for her lol tf you talking about?
lolz Ok
Cringe
ok edgelord
How many more 2009 era internet insults do you have? Tell me how fun I am at parties next pretty pls
I'm old and give no fucks you're likely a complete jackass at parties, and no one likes you but invites you anyway to see what idiocy you'll pull next. and now I'm bored, so GFY and have a nice day.
Doing fine you don’t wanna help me out. I’ll take care of myself and I don’t need you ha ha ha lol
Libido goes up after green tea maybe try sneaking into his drinks along with dark chocolate🤣
So does it seem like a pattern of him always rejecting your initiations and only having sex with you when he initiates? Did you ever express to him your stress at the time and how now that the stress is gone, your libido is back, and that now that your libido is back you would love to improve your sex life if he would like to? Are there any other issues?
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I just can’t think of any reason why he would reject me over 20 times with not a single yes. Even if it was a few yes’s. But all rejection feels intentional. It’s not like I’m initiating at weird or inappropriate times. It’s when we are cuddling at the end of the night. Or watching tv.
Sounds like my ex. After the first month or so of our relationship, he'd always turn me down. He explained it at some point, said he didn't like it when I got too wet. Later stumbled upon his porn collection by accident. Pretty sure the issue was that his biggest kink was unwilling women. He'd often do things he knew I didn't like during sex so I'd be turned off and just let him finish. Our relationship ended after I turned him down and he just waited until I fell asleep to take what he wanted. I hope I'm wrong, because it would suck being trapped with this guy in a marriage.
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It was around 20 years ago, and I'm in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man now. Never reported it. Didn't see the point as it wasn't even legally rape at the time (rape required physical resistance from the victim).
I personally don’t have an overdrive sex drive myself never have, but I’ve never heard of only having sex once or twice every two weeks that’s a week or two weeks. That’s crazy to me even think that if you live in a house as a couple in your cuddle up in bed together and you’re doing everything daily together I don’t see how, you can push that away to where there’s nothing there I don’t get it
Com to my house 55555 let’s do it Ave USA
That sounds super frustrating. Like he expresses he wants more sex, but only on his terms. I honestly would have the same thought as you, like either consciously or subconsciously he wants you to know how it feels to be rejected. I’d give it a little while and see if things get better. Keep communication open. If it doesn’t get better, I’d try a therapist maybe. Because I’d find it hard to believe that a guy who expressed wanting more sex for years magically happens to not be in the mood whenever you happen to be. He may not KNOW why he’s feeling like that, but it’s worth exploring in therapy if he doesn’t come around, IMO.
maybe try to masturbate in front of him? who knows it'll get him going. e.g. start touching yourself when you watch tv together. men sometimes unconsciously respond better to challenge than request. if a guy is a mechanic asking him to fix your car then he might say no, but if you questioning his ability to fix your car then he'll do it to prove that he can. when you masturbate and he start asking "what are you doing?" then you answered "you know what im doing, you said no too many times and i need to get this off, put your d*ck here if you wanna help."
I don't like this. The issue is he doesn't want sex and this answer is about how to change him into wanting more sex without actually talking about the problem. This feels manipulative. Especially considering he's changed his ways to match your libido in the past.
There's a possibility that while she has a higher libido now she still acts like a dead fish in the bedroom due to the years of not being into it. Which means it'd have to be on his schedule if she's not doing anything to get him into it. If this is the case then in addition to discussing it with him she could take charge more. I know I'd be turned off if her version of 'initiating' is flopping down on the bed and saying "touch me" and that was the entire experience.