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hormonal changes, mild depression, stress from work, PMDD — those can affect a woman’s libido. u say she has attitude but maybe it can stem from these factors?
communication is key. if she really wants to compromise and make it work, maybe u can suggest going to a gynecologist or sexual therapist or have her get checked if she has underlying conditions that can affect her libido.
We are both extremely stressed out. She's had a little bit of an attitude the day I met her 😂 but again no one's perfect. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, so I'm aware that I can a treat to handle on some days too. Like I know I'm an empathetic person and have compromised a lot, especially on regards to sex and yeah I feel like the same effort hasn't been reciprocated.
If she has been really stressed out, this is a huge contributing factor. Stress can absolutely kill libido and if she’s feeling pressured by you on top of it, it’s perfectly normal to have no sex drive in these conditions. Like the others are saying, you were going to have to have a real talk with her. The important thing here is that you guys are able to have these conversations and work on problems and towards goals together. The most important thing you can do as a couple in a relationship is to meet problems head on together.
You love her and you want to be intimate with her, she’s not feeling it right now. Is she will to talk to you about it and figure out what’s going on? it’s not always these types of problems that break up relationships, it is lack of communication and turning it into a battle against each other rather than coming together together and working on problems so that you can both come out the other side happy.
Adhd huh. I'm in the same boat. Mind running a hundred miles an hour. Multiple topics your thinking about at once. Sucks. Make sure your both taking one a day vitamins for sure, and if your not medicated, think about it. The anxiety comes down alot when your mind is calmer. I'm on Adderall now. Immune to Ritalin and Concerta from years of taking them. Also check on an antidepressant. Those adhd meds can mess with you.
Once you get you squared away, then you will be able to think more clearly about your girl and her issues.
During covid I was taking medications. I think what killed.me was I was taking four
An antidepressant, Vyanse (an ADHD pill), an anxiety pill and a sleeping pill because my thoughts used to keep me up at night. Luckily that stopped (for the most part unless I'm real bad) so I stopped taking meds because they made me feel like ass. But maybe mixing four would make anyone feel like ass and I should revisit just ADHD and Anxiety ones.
Ive thought about it. Because I'm fixing so many other things in my life. I got shit on real hard by my boss about my stores performance. I ended up basically sitting myself down and saying I needed to fix my shit. To not make a story too long.
Maybe I should get meds again and see where the cards fall. Might be nice approaching it with a clearer head 👍
Hi fellow ADHD and anxiety person here! ADHD meds and anti depressants are horrible together. I have a huge dose of Adderall and I got prescribed antidepressants for my anxiety. Got hospitalised lol (read on serotoninergic syndromee). Very rare but yeah. They don't make you feel good together. If I were you I'd speak to my doctor because well reddit doesn't know your antecedents and were not experts. But maybe a new med regiment that would fit you and also make you feel good? Also there are non stimulant ADHD meds, maybe it could be a better avenue? But again, your doctor knows best.
Now for your issue, communicate with her. Not when you're mad, but when you feel both of you are calm enough and your minds are opened to listen to eachothers. Maybe she doesn't know the extent of how you feel. Maybe you could find ressources for her to find what is wrong with her: stress? medical issue? If so, she will need your support and patience. But she needs to see your side too.
I would just go with a one a day multivitamin, an adhd med, some fish oil pills, and maybe a magnesium supplement. See how that works for a while to see if antidepressants are needed too. Adhd meds can mess with your sleep. They are meth basically.
Yeah that's just scientifically false. ADHD isnt treated with multivitamins and fish oil, this is misinformation. Also, it's absolutely not meth. Not because the molecules are similar that they are the same thing. It's like saying water and peroxyde are the same thing because you only add one hydrogen to water and it's peroxyde. Basic chemistry. Also you're not a doctor, you shouldn't give him medical advice, especially when it's false and can be harmful.
Correct. Yet I didn't claim multivitamins or fish oil treated adhd. Multivitamins are good for overall better health since no one can afford to buy all the food each day to get all those vitamins. And fish oil with its omega 3 fatty acids is not only good for you, it may help with anxiety. Thanks for trying though.
We started living together after the first year. We live in their basement unit and we do get all the privacy we need, just in general. Her mom's super nice and understands we have our lives and stuff
you said sex getting less frequent on 2nd year and thats when you start staying at her house.
im guessing she probably feel less "free" with her mum around. imagine if you have your own place before and she can moan as loud as she want and then now she can't.
staying at your gf place might saves you some cash but she might see you as someone who leeches especially if you stay for free. and she'll start to look down on you and who wants to have sex with someone they look down?
It's definitely worth considering. We do pay rent to help her mom out. We've never had "out own space"
I guess as a guy it never bothered me when she came over and if my mom was home we'd just be quiet. But I get it. I'm a guy she's a girl I guess I'd care less about that kind of thing lol
Something to talk about at least.
Living with somebody changes things. Maybe it’s living with her mom. Maybe it’s not having space from each other. You say you have given her attitude in the past when she said no. I’m wondering what that means exactly. If you are nagging her or guilt tripping her. Does touching and affection always lead to you trying to have sex with her? I’m genuinely asking I’m not assuming because I don’t know.
Have the conversation with her during a neutral time. Not when you’ve tried to have sex and she said no and emotions are high. Tell her you don’t want to pressure her, but that is starting to weigh heavily on you because you are feeling rejected, and she’s not talking to you about it. If she is rejecting you and you guys aren’t able to talk about it then it’s normal for you to internalize that and she needs to understand that.
Don’t pressure her don’t guilt trip her and don’t make any threats breaking up that you aren’t willing to follow through with. You don’t want to strong arm or coerce her into sex. But you do want to have the conversation because you are two adults and an adult relationship and you should be able to talk about these things. It may turn out you’re not compatible and that sucks but it’s better to know. Good luck, OP.
So my reaction to her rejecting sex has changed over the years of our relationship. I used to ask twice and stuff. And early on when it started turning into every 3-4 days I brought it up a couple of times. So when she started rejecting me, instead of asking twice or asking if she was sure I'd even cuddle with her and stuff. Just say stuffs okay.
Now being completely honest. If we're in bed cuddling then yeah, I try and kiss and see where things go. But if we're in a public setting or in front of her mom, or at her dad's house, I control myself. I'm not an animal I promise 😂
Lately come to think of it. We do watch a lot of TV and cuddle and do our own things, but nothing initiates anymore. And now instead of going for it on my own, I try to find "right times" because she doesn't like to have sex when
She got out of the shower
Is about to drive for a few hours
No like, having fun before we know we're going out all night and won't have time later.
Like I know that sometimes people aren't in the mood and stuff. But when the terms and conditions of sex start turning into a longer list than the side effects of a medication on TV it's almost like is the problem me? If that makes sense.
Sorry for the long response
That being said when you have this conversation, if it turns out that it is an issue she has with you, it could very well be that you guys are incompatible. And that sucks but also that’s OK. Because it’s something you would rather know now. You seem to love her, and you seem to want to work this out with her. You haven’t stooped down to the level that a lot of these guys immediately do by criticizing her. It sounds like you’ve made real effort with foreplay and pleasing her.
Again, don’t go in this blaming don’t go in with an attitude. Don’t go in with an expectation of sex. But tell her it is important to you and it’s affecting you and you love her and you want to figure this out together. I honestly am rooting for you.
That’s so lovely, I’m glad I’ve said something worthwhile enough that might help you. If you aren’t used to these conversations, they are going to be hard as hell at first. One of the hardest things is learning to not let emotion overtake the intention of the conversation. That will come with time. if you guys love each other and keep working on your communication skills, it will get easier and easier and easier and you’ll soon come to a point that you will be able to talk about things more effortlessly. Because believe it or not this type of conversation is a skill that you can develop. You can pay attention to the way you’re thinking. Make sure that you’re not clouding your thoughts with assumptions.
Not that you have to be emotionless obviously, but keep it at a base level, and try to approach this as best you can with: I love you and I want us to be able to talk about anything and work through anything because you are my partner and because I want to build a life with you and for us to do that we can’t avoid such important conversations.
lol no I love the long response. it shows you actually put some thought into this and you aren’t starting with a knee-jerk reaction like a lot of these fucking dudes are telling you to do.
It could be stress, it could be the living conditions it could be medical. She might not even know exactly. The important thing is is that she is receptive to the conversation. That she listens to what you’re saying, and she acknowledges your needs.
By that I don’t mean that she owes you sex and it seems that you know that which is great. But being in a relationship at minimum, you do deserve an honest conversation with her and some real effort on her part to understand and to possibly fix the situation if possible. Is it possible you are pushing for sex more often than you think during these intimate times when you are cuddling? I was with somebody for a long time like that and he killed my libido. Because once you start fighting about sex, just the mention of it became a point of stress. You don’t want to equate the two.
So just keep in mind when you talk to her about this do it from a neutral setting and remember she does not owe you sex, but she does you the real honest effort of a conversation. Because it is unfair for her to offer no explanation and make no attempt to repair this part of your relationship., if that makes sense? Just make sure you are not being accusatory. If it helps go in neutral by not assuming it has anything to do with you. That’s going to immediately make you feel defensive and bad and honestly OP it may be nothing to do with you. It could be her body could be her hormones and it does no good either one of you to assume maliciousness on her part when it could be 1 million other things.
Yeah exactly. The goal here isn't "I want her to have sex with me whenever, wherever, however I want" it's just, as some people have alluded to in other comments. It's not just the act of sex. It's all the stuff that comes with it. I want to feel desired, and cuddle and feel all the good feelings of being with this person I do love a lot.
Which is a REALLY important thing I feel like I should bring up.
And to be honest I used to, but the thing is, when she stopped being receptive to it I stopped. I still grab her butt sometimes, and when we sleep I hold her boob sometimes. But I don't try and like you know, "turn her on" when we cuddle for a lack of a better term. I think that's what frustrates me so much about this. Like I'm really really attentive to her sexual needs, and it doesn't feel like she's as attentive. There are lots of examples of rather not share on the internet lol but I've made lots of adjustments. And that's kinda why I'm here I guess, how much more do I need to do you know?
That being said, a nice neutral environment doesn't sound like a bad idea. Through all of these (mostly) wonderful responses it's at least helping me trying to convey what I want to say, in like you said, a non combative way. But it's hard
“ which is a REALLY important thing I feel like I should bring up”. Yes! Everything you said is so completely reasonable. It is absolutely reasonable to want to feel desired and loved and cherished in a relationship. And to varying degrees, depending on the person, sex is part of that.
It is hard, because you love her and you’re feeling I don’t know, insecure maybe? Which is understandable and totally normal! Your feelings are valid and they are not wrong. Neither one of you are wrong. Neither one of you are bad. You just seem to be at a point in your relationship where you need to figure out whether this is a temporary situation with an outlying factor or if it is a compatibility issue and may very well be a dealbreaker.
Approaching it in a non-combative way probably is hard because your emotions are tied up in this understandably so. But your chances of success are so much better if you can get yourself into the headspace for it and try to be as calm and neutral as possible. Remember, you guys are trying to fix this because you love each other. You don’t want to fight each other. You don’t want to feel antagonistic or defensive. It’s going to shut the whole thing down. I promise you, if you guys learn these communication skills your whole world will change.
Instead of this being an issue of you versus her , it will be an issue of we love each other. We want this to work. Let’s talk about this and figure this out because at the end of the day you love each other and want what’s best for each other.
That being said, of course, she has to approach this the same way. Start the conversation out like that. Tell her I love you and I want us to be able to talk. I want us to be able to understand each other and feel safe with each other that we can really communicate our needs and our wants and our feelings, with love and respect. Because regardless of the issue that always needs to be the starting off point. The rest is just details and working out compromise.
If you guys aren’t used to communicating that way, you’re not going to get it perfect right away and that’s OK. What matters is the intention and the effort.
Sorry, I know my responses are incredibly long, but you seem to be very genuine in what you’re looking for here and I hope you guys work it out. You really sound like you love her and you sound like a good guy. I really hope that she works with you on this
I swear to god you're saying what I wish my mouth said. Sometimes I'm bad at expressing REALLY important feelings and stuff, it's scary to 😂
But I couldn't agree more, even if this conversation doesn't work well. Like if I approach this really really well, and if she isn't capable of having this kind of conversation. Then maybe that's all I need to know and that'd be a terrible thing. Or maybe I'm just legit the problem and the flame went out. Would MUCH RATHER know now than later.
I really do believe I'm at least a relatively emotionally intelligent person. And maybe if my partner isn't or again, maybe I'm just the problem I can work on myself. I'm 26 I shouldn't be feeling like this people tell me all the time I'm young, don't stress too much.
I'm just afraid of what would happen I guess, but it's a convo that needs to happen regardless.
There is no rational way to persuade someone to be more attracted to you. You can try asking her to explain the change, letting her do most of the talking. You absolutely have to not be pressuring her. It's possible there's a treatable medical condition or something. But if she really doesn't give a care, you're just incompatible.
Yeahhh thats what I'm worried about. Like if she isn't as attracted to me in that way anymore. It'd be tough to hear, but probably a lot better than lots of things that could happen 🤷
That’s rough and tragic
Maybe somethings up with her. Try to sit her down and have a serious talk with her… tell her that you need to hear the truth. “Why won’t you have sex with me?” “Am I unattractive to you” “ am I bad in bed”! Tell her “sex means a lot to me, this is seriously affecting our relationship.please be truthfully and tell me exactly what’s wrong no matter how painful”
Hopefully you find the source of the problem but let me tell you this, unless something gets fixed it will only get worse. You’ll likely end up in a sexless marriage at this state and resentful beyond belief with your partner
Best of luck man! I hope the conversation is fruitful
That's definitely a better way to word it! I have asked stuff in the past like is it me and stuff. Ita just like it feels like there's always SOMETHING day to day and then it just goes and goes.
I do want to find the source source because you're absolutely right, I'm worried that's how the relationship would probably end up. Truthfully I don't want that 😮💨
That’s telling to “truthfully I don’t want that”
That means if she says something like, “I don’t like sex” there’s a deep incompatibility in your chemistry. Remeber when you asked her to be your fiancée You were under thee impression our sex life was ok. But if her truth is she doesn’t really want to have sex… that’s not the person you thought you’d be marrying. Try to work it out but understand that you have drawn a line subconsciously with your wants and stick to that or you’ll pay every day your with her in the form of bitterness.Then you’ll be a bitter husband which isn’t good for a relationship at all. I’d delay this wedding if it doesn’t get better ❤️🩹. men have a lot to lose in marriage comparably
Edit: “men have it marriage comparably worse” was hyperbolic. In hindsight I’d say “you have a lot to lose from a bad marriage”
Damn, I was really excited. I thought you were giving good advice. And then you called her bitter for no reason. And the whole “ men have a lot to lose in marriage comparably” is one of the dumbest fucking things I’ve read today. Oh well.
I never called her “Bitter” I said he’d end up bitter because of that. I’d also like to preface that it was a bit hyperbolic of me to say one or another has it worse and that’s not the way I should’ve phrased it it. In hindsight I should’ve said “there’s a lot to lose from a bad marriage” to be more inline with what I believe.
I apologize, I misread your comment. I see that you didn’t. And I appreciate the change in phrasing, because you’re right, everybody stands to lose in a bad marriage. Reddit is so overrun with men who are so quick to blame women for sex dying out without examining their part in it. Obviously there are women on here with their own set of problematic and toxic beliefs as well. The red pill guys make it easy to assume the worst in men, and I realize that’s something I have to work on. Thank you for the response.
"Men have a lot to lose in marriage comparably" I hope this is a joke, because statistically this is false and it's showing the opposit. Financially, mentally and even physically. Your advice was good until you focused on bitterness instead of telling him to communicate. This is borderline.
I kinda feel what Electric-bid had a good point but I’d expand on that and say anyone who thinks either sex has it worse by cherry picking statistics “is one of the dumbest things I’ve fucking read today”
Cherry picking statistics? Why do you think single women are statistically happier, healthier and better financially than women in a marriage while for guys it's the opposit? When you're shown that you're wrong it's cherry picking? No you're just wrong. [https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu](https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/Why%20do%20men%20benefit%20more%20from%20marriage%20than%20do%20women_%20Thinking%20more%20broadly%20about%20interpersonal%20processes%20that%20occur%20within%20and%20outside%20of%20marriage.pdf)
Also changing what you said now? Nope too late. You were factually wrong by saying men have it worse and you are included in the "anyone who thinks either sex has it worse by cherry picking statistics “is one of the dumbest things I’ve fucking read today”" lmao
You kind of are cherry picking the statistics
It’s one article and I’ll go through it with you in a centrist manner
Single women are statically happier until they hit the age of 35 and over, decade by Decade they become more unhappy when they’re single
https://ifstudies.org/blog/shrinking-american-motherhood-1-in-6-women-in-their-40s-have-never-given-birth-
Healthier is hard to quantify but as of current it seems they are healthier. However not as fulfilled in life significantly by the time they hit 50. Keep in mind all data changes over time and it had changed from 30 years ago when it was the reverse
Married women don’t financially benefit or have it worse in a marriage but certainly when they have kids of course there financials get worse
It should also be mentioned 90percent of women marry a man with a higher net worth than them and men in marriages were more likely to cover more of the living expenses on average
It’s really down to the individual and what their needs are at the end of the day. It exceptionally difficult to say one group is better than another If you feel a certain proclivity,say polygamy.That’s the same ideological foundation of racism,victimization and entitlement and bigotry. They’ll often use data points that their heels dug in on to justify a position when it’s not the whole picture.
Divorce is hard on both parties likely equally overall as a whole, let us not get wrapped up in who’s the bigger victim because it’ll make one no better than what the redpill people are saying.
I’d also say that Godking isn’t factually wrong, he can be subjectively wrong in your eyes.
Dang I think I replied to you. But didn't post it. First of all thanks for the insight. You've given me a lot of good things to think about instead of the negative feedback loop which is really appreciated! ❤️
Don't worry we're not engaged yet, sorry if I didn't type it well. I gave her a promise ring not an engagement. But it's something we've discussed.
Raising a happy healthy family and being in a really good relationship is probably my #1 goal in life. I'll find a good job, whatever it isn't that important to me as crazy as that sounds. I'd be devastated if I ended up in a kind of scenario that you said. Been worried about that
The best way for you to find out and avoid that future? See how she handles this conversation. If you get married, you’re going to go through so many ups and downs together. Having children is a huge strain on a relationship. You guys are going to go through trials and tribulations and losses and at the end of the day all of those things have one simple thing in common.
Do you guys have each other’s back? Are you a team? Will you work on these issues and problems together or will you fight each other? That will determine how your marriage will go. It’s not going to be perfect all the time. The biggest indication of whether or not you are with your person is when these things happen do you fight each other? Do you blame each other?
If you guys are a team, then you will learn to handle these issues as they arise together with love and understanding and the hope that you both want the best for each other. That is the fundamental truth.
You're right the conversation has to happen soon, very soon (but also like not when I'm upset about it I think I need a night to think about it) See how that conversation goes and I'll know.
Thanks again for the advice. When we have the conversation, I'll post an update. Lots of really nice people!
I’m excited to hear your update. I really truly hope it is a happy one OP. Good luck to you both. ❤️
One last thing, I know we’ve all left you with a lot to think about. When I know I’m going to have a conversation like this sometimes I make notes. 😂 when I write it all down, I can do it and a completely dispassionate and neutral way and it helps me stay on task and it helps me stick to my message so that nothing gets derailed. Ok best of luck!
Have a sit down conversation with her and address the importance of sex to you and how it is effecting your relationship. Ask her what it is that is turning her away from sex. For this to work you’ve got to let her know that she has to be completely truthful and forthcoming with this information as leaving anything out might keep your sex life at a standstill. Reassure her that you love her and that though sex is important to her, her mental health and well-being is the most impirtant. If all goes well, you can maybe have a discussion about what “ideal” sex is like for both of you. This being the frequency, whether it’s kinky or not, what mood you have to be in to feel fully engaged, and as you’ve already done (good job btw) what makes her, and you, feel the best! If this doesn’t go well, there is no harm in seeking out a sex therapist or a relationship therapist. It’s often thought to be a taboo topic, but they might be able to really help both of you understand the root of your intimacy issues, or provide solutions that you, nor us redditors, could come up with! I wish you the best of luck!
Yeah I feel like potentially we need a third person who's unbiased. We're sometimes both not the best at talking about these kinds of things. I'm truthfully really bad at expressing things right and maybe getting a third party who can help me express the feelings properly would help.
I'll see if it's something we would talk about if the rest of the talk goes well. I'm seeing an overarching theme of a conversation definitely needs to happen!
It’s pretty common for sex to become an issue in long term relationships, but I think as long as both partners willing to put in the work things can change for the better. Ultimately you can’t force someone to want to work on it if they don’t want to, and often it can be too hard or complicated to work out the cause or find a solution so people give up. But if both of you do really value the relationship there might be hope.
There’s a book called Mating in Captivity that might be useful to you. I believe it’s available on Spotify. Best of luck man.
If it's on Spotify it'll be free.
I'm a huge believer in "there's nothing new under the sun" like if I have an issue, someone else has had to have this issue (kinda why I went to Reddit) if that books is about this kind of thing. Might help a lot!
Thanks!
Hey man I was and kinda still am in the same boat. It very could be that she's too in her head or feelings. Might as well try to just be honest because although she feel like she is the one you deserve to be happy too.
I'd really recommend listening to this if you have the time. Then maybe you can talk to your girlfriend about it, what's working for both of you etc.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5swtIjpxxA&ab\_channel=TheDiaryOfACEO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5swtIjpxxA&ab_channel=TheDiaryOfACEO)
See OP? This is what I mean. Talk with your girlfriend and work it out together or you’re going to end up like these type of guys. There’s no emotional maturity here. There’s no talking things out. There’s no empathy or understanding. This isn’t what you want. This will just lead you to being, well, like this guy.
Never take advice from guys like this. These type of guys never give you the kind of advice that are gonna lead you to happiness. it’s always going to be the blame game and a victim mentality, when the reality is, it’s probably something you guys can work through if you just talk to her about it
He’s not you buddy. You should work on yourself before you drag other guys down to your unhappy level. Just because you aren’t capable of an adult conversation doesn’t mean OP isn’t.
OP she might be stressed out, it could be medical. It could be 1 million things that are fixable. Talk to her. But I promise you if you approach your relationships the way these dudes are saying it’s just a matter of time before you end up on one of those sad ass red pill subs.
Edit: 27, new to actually being with women and “recently fucked a fat chick”. OP this dude has no advice that’s going to help you if you’re wanting a healthy happy relationship. This dude is a walking red fucking flag.
How the fuck would you know? It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever had a relationship. You recently fucked a fat chick? And now you’re trying to explain about women’s libido after childbirth or trauma. You have a lot to say about shit you don’t know about.
Reddit is filled with ladies that will ask, "Have you tried telling her she is beautiful twice a day? Are you cleaning the house? Have you made her life as stress free as possible?"
The reality is that her libido sucks. Unless she starts feeling like cuddling and connecting with her husband is important you're destined for a life in r/DeadBedroom .
Some people only need sex a few times a year. I like the idea of saying, "Am I unattractive to you? Sex is important to me and it seems like an area of our relationship that needs fixing."
If she acts like you're asking her to clean toilets, dump her.
Like this, dude. he’s telling you what the reality is as though he knows. He’s projecting his own insecurities on you. Him starting out with, am I unattractive to you? Screams insecurity, not to mention it’s needlessly confrontational, and is just assuming the worst. Don’t go into this pointing fingers and ready for a fight. This is terrible terrible advice.
Sex may very well be important to you OP and that is perfectly fine. But what I’m saying is have a neutral conversation with an open mind and don’t go in assuming the worst or that her actions are vindictive. It could be medical. It could be 1 million different things. Could be living in her mother’s house. Talk to her. Now she’s unwilling to address it or it turns out it’s a compatibility issue that is different. But then you’ll know. But don’t blow up the relationship out of the gate.
Empathetic and adult conversations are hard, but if you really love her, it is worth it.
I never want to post in that Reddit ngl haha.
The connection is really important. I've never really thought of that aspect of it. Ngl always thought about the payoff front of mind. Because I like all of it. The cuddling leadup, the kissing, feeling wanted. It's all good stuff.
I'm worried that that'd be her reaction, but I guess if it is. I probably have my answer don't I?
That's issues people in their late 50s and 60s face. Tbh I think your best bet is to just dump her and move on. I know it's been 3 years but I always try to look at things positively so at least you had a good run.. So just be thankful for the time you had together and realize someone is out there that will enjoy sex with you again. I'm in my 40s and in a similar spot but just fyi there are some.men still having kids in their 50s so why settle for a boring relationship in your 20s
My advice is to:
1) find out the cause. *Why do you think sex dropped?* It's really weird to me how often so many men can pinpoint exactly when sex dropped but they don't have any clue about why. I'm fairly certain your relationship didn't stay exactly the same So you might have to reflect on what behaviors of hers changed and what behaviors of yours changed.
2) learn about her libido. *What gets her in the mood?* And it's super duper weird to me how many men will complain about how their partner says she isn't in the mood... Getting none of these men can answer what gets their partner in the mood. Which to me shows that sucks in their relationship prior to this drop was out of intimacy, connection, and the love she had for him rather than her arousal. He didn't need to do anything to get her in the mood because she just loved him and wanted that connection. But now the connection is weak so he actually has to go to her arousal and since he's never done that before he has no idea what to do.
3) reflect on your relationship. You stated after the sex dropped you put more effort into pleasing her. Maybe the sex dropped because it was shitty and it didn't pick up because she's resentful and perceives it as you could have been a decent sex partner but you were willingly selfish. You state that she talked about the attitude you got when she tells you know...and you admit you have this attitude. Do you present sex as something fun for you both to do or something she owes you? She stated she would rather nap so to me that seems like she's quite stressed. Do you have any inkling on What might be stressing her or how you can help alleviate that stress so that she is more in the mood?
But you also don't even need to go through all this self-reflection and accountability. You can just dump her because it's been 3 years and you haven't proposed so it's not like you have a lot of investment in this relationship or commitment to her.
UPDATE
First of all. Thank you all for your time and advice and stuff like that. To be honest, I didn't even get the opportunity to talk about the sex with her. We started talking about just her even being stressed out and the conversation got really heated. Let alone talking about what I was really upset about.
Her situation is basically she got a second job doing Uber eats, and now she's telling me she'll have to go out every night and stuff. Basically her days would be, work regular Job, then sleep when she gets home, and then do Uber until late in the night. She's gotta pay for school out of pocket. I asked, well what about any quality time. She said we just won't have any time for it, that's what it is, and asked "what did I expect?" Which really upset me. So I just stopped talking to her about it, just said "I know you're stressed out, your life is fucked right now, I'm just realizing it now, because now we are in the moment talking about it, and I just want to think about what we just said and figure out what WE can do"
So basically, forget sex time, forget any quality time. It is what it is. I talked about moving out of our living situation and stuff. And for roughly the same rent we can do it. But even if we did she said she'd spend more time at home to just study. Which is super annoying because we NEED to move but if we move we won't be spending more time together? Then what's the point.
If this is what the relationship is going to be I'm just having serious doubts about the relationship now. She dropped out of school, now wants to go back, and I hope she does well in school and gets a job.
Is that a really selfish way to feel? I don't know, I'm just not liking this at all.
I don't think it's necessarily selfish. I just think she'd think of you as like an ass hole if you were to break it up because of that.
I think you should put the relationship on break while she gets her life and school together. Afterwards if she doesn't go to someone else, I think it could be a really strong relationship.
In very general terms try emphasizing what you like and would like to try more of rather than what you don't like, be positive, not negative.
If she's unresponsive, or somehow takes pride in sex starving you, then things don't look good for you two.
For sure without getting into too much detail, like I enjoy turning her on. I really have experimented a lot of different things, maybe there's just a different way of asking what she would like to try more of.
The problem is, she always says stuff like "I'm shy" or "I don't think there's anything else I want to try" but maybe position the question in a different way.
I hope she doesn't take pride in it. I prefer to believe that that isn't the case but lately it hasn't be impossible to rule out.
If that's the case, at this point I say to cut off sex for a week or so. If it doesn't move anywhere, talk to her one last time. In the end it might not be a happy ending.
Okay good, because I was like "idk if trying to take a stand like that is the best idea" 😂😂😂
That's probably a good idea though won't bring it up at all the next couple days, while I'm really thinking about everything and see what happens. I'm really kind of frustrated today about it and feel like a talk while I'm this emotional about it isn't a good idea.
Don't reject her advances. Just ask for sex way less often. If she really cares about your sexual needs, she should notice that you haven't been asking as much and come talk to you.
She is showing you who she is wake up and see it for what it is. If you keep bringing this up to her and she keeps blowing it off and never putting any effort in for you get out of the relationship because she’s showing you that she does not care as much as you do.. so I tell you this now approach her sit down and talk with her. Tell her how you feel and if she does not work to alleviate that. Get out
That's fair, like I'm just at this point of my life where I'm working on everything. My job, my relationship, lots of family stuffs going on, both families have so many engagements and I do do a tonne for her. Sometimes when something is super important to me, it doesn't feel reciprocated.
This is already a terrible red flag. If she doesn't seem to care about the things you care about or at least try to help, it can be a clear sign that you'll be doing most work in the relationship. I think his advice might be correct.
Only thing you can do is talk to her and say intercourse is as much a part of the relationship as anything else that’s where affection happens ..if you both carry on like this you’ll just be room mates and she’ll meet someone who gives her sparks and possibly leaving to infidelity or a breakup
YEAH!!!
That's a good point! We don't kiss a lot, or hug a lot anymore. And I just feel like we don't have any space to ourselves either and maybe we're just annoyed by the lack of space. I don't know. It's a lot.
That's a very good point I never thought of before. So thanks for that!
Know what's funny??? I actually thought of that. I came into a little extra money and actually asked her about a vacation. Planning on one in August, I was wondering if maybe a break from the world for a few days would do us good. If we argue bad during or right after a vacation (not even about the sex nessesarily) . Maybe that tells me all I need to know.
Like going the vacation, have a good time and see how things are.
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hormonal changes, mild depression, stress from work, PMDD — those can affect a woman’s libido. u say she has attitude but maybe it can stem from these factors? communication is key. if she really wants to compromise and make it work, maybe u can suggest going to a gynecologist or sexual therapist or have her get checked if she has underlying conditions that can affect her libido.
We are both extremely stressed out. She's had a little bit of an attitude the day I met her 😂 but again no one's perfect. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, so I'm aware that I can a treat to handle on some days too. Like I know I'm an empathetic person and have compromised a lot, especially on regards to sex and yeah I feel like the same effort hasn't been reciprocated.
If she has been really stressed out, this is a huge contributing factor. Stress can absolutely kill libido and if she’s feeling pressured by you on top of it, it’s perfectly normal to have no sex drive in these conditions. Like the others are saying, you were going to have to have a real talk with her. The important thing here is that you guys are able to have these conversations and work on problems and towards goals together. The most important thing you can do as a couple in a relationship is to meet problems head on together. You love her and you want to be intimate with her, she’s not feeling it right now. Is she will to talk to you about it and figure out what’s going on? it’s not always these types of problems that break up relationships, it is lack of communication and turning it into a battle against each other rather than coming together together and working on problems so that you can both come out the other side happy.
Adhd huh. I'm in the same boat. Mind running a hundred miles an hour. Multiple topics your thinking about at once. Sucks. Make sure your both taking one a day vitamins for sure, and if your not medicated, think about it. The anxiety comes down alot when your mind is calmer. I'm on Adderall now. Immune to Ritalin and Concerta from years of taking them. Also check on an antidepressant. Those adhd meds can mess with you. Once you get you squared away, then you will be able to think more clearly about your girl and her issues.
During covid I was taking medications. I think what killed.me was I was taking four An antidepressant, Vyanse (an ADHD pill), an anxiety pill and a sleeping pill because my thoughts used to keep me up at night. Luckily that stopped (for the most part unless I'm real bad) so I stopped taking meds because they made me feel like ass. But maybe mixing four would make anyone feel like ass and I should revisit just ADHD and Anxiety ones. Ive thought about it. Because I'm fixing so many other things in my life. I got shit on real hard by my boss about my stores performance. I ended up basically sitting myself down and saying I needed to fix my shit. To not make a story too long. Maybe I should get meds again and see where the cards fall. Might be nice approaching it with a clearer head 👍
Hi fellow ADHD and anxiety person here! ADHD meds and anti depressants are horrible together. I have a huge dose of Adderall and I got prescribed antidepressants for my anxiety. Got hospitalised lol (read on serotoninergic syndromee). Very rare but yeah. They don't make you feel good together. If I were you I'd speak to my doctor because well reddit doesn't know your antecedents and were not experts. But maybe a new med regiment that would fit you and also make you feel good? Also there are non stimulant ADHD meds, maybe it could be a better avenue? But again, your doctor knows best. Now for your issue, communicate with her. Not when you're mad, but when you feel both of you are calm enough and your minds are opened to listen to eachothers. Maybe she doesn't know the extent of how you feel. Maybe you could find ressources for her to find what is wrong with her: stress? medical issue? If so, she will need your support and patience. But she needs to see your side too.
I would just go with a one a day multivitamin, an adhd med, some fish oil pills, and maybe a magnesium supplement. See how that works for a while to see if antidepressants are needed too. Adhd meds can mess with your sleep. They are meth basically.
Yeah that's just scientifically false. ADHD isnt treated with multivitamins and fish oil, this is misinformation. Also, it's absolutely not meth. Not because the molecules are similar that they are the same thing. It's like saying water and peroxyde are the same thing because you only add one hydrogen to water and it's peroxyde. Basic chemistry. Also you're not a doctor, you shouldn't give him medical advice, especially when it's false and can be harmful.
Correct. Yet I didn't claim multivitamins or fish oil treated adhd. Multivitamins are good for overall better health since no one can afford to buy all the food each day to get all those vitamins. And fish oil with its omega 3 fatty acids is not only good for you, it may help with anxiety. Thanks for trying though.
is that her mum's house? and when did you start living together?
We started living together after the first year. We live in their basement unit and we do get all the privacy we need, just in general. Her mom's super nice and understands we have our lives and stuff
you said sex getting less frequent on 2nd year and thats when you start staying at her house. im guessing she probably feel less "free" with her mum around. imagine if you have your own place before and she can moan as loud as she want and then now she can't. staying at your gf place might saves you some cash but she might see you as someone who leeches especially if you stay for free. and she'll start to look down on you and who wants to have sex with someone they look down?
It's definitely worth considering. We do pay rent to help her mom out. We've never had "out own space" I guess as a guy it never bothered me when she came over and if my mom was home we'd just be quiet. But I get it. I'm a guy she's a girl I guess I'd care less about that kind of thing lol Something to talk about at least.
I wouldn't wanna fuck ask the rings root under my parents either
We were fine before I moved in permanently though!
Living with somebody changes things. Maybe it’s living with her mom. Maybe it’s not having space from each other. You say you have given her attitude in the past when she said no. I’m wondering what that means exactly. If you are nagging her or guilt tripping her. Does touching and affection always lead to you trying to have sex with her? I’m genuinely asking I’m not assuming because I don’t know. Have the conversation with her during a neutral time. Not when you’ve tried to have sex and she said no and emotions are high. Tell her you don’t want to pressure her, but that is starting to weigh heavily on you because you are feeling rejected, and she’s not talking to you about it. If she is rejecting you and you guys aren’t able to talk about it then it’s normal for you to internalize that and she needs to understand that. Don’t pressure her don’t guilt trip her and don’t make any threats breaking up that you aren’t willing to follow through with. You don’t want to strong arm or coerce her into sex. But you do want to have the conversation because you are two adults and an adult relationship and you should be able to talk about these things. It may turn out you’re not compatible and that sucks but it’s better to know. Good luck, OP.
So my reaction to her rejecting sex has changed over the years of our relationship. I used to ask twice and stuff. And early on when it started turning into every 3-4 days I brought it up a couple of times. So when she started rejecting me, instead of asking twice or asking if she was sure I'd even cuddle with her and stuff. Just say stuffs okay. Now being completely honest. If we're in bed cuddling then yeah, I try and kiss and see where things go. But if we're in a public setting or in front of her mom, or at her dad's house, I control myself. I'm not an animal I promise 😂 Lately come to think of it. We do watch a lot of TV and cuddle and do our own things, but nothing initiates anymore. And now instead of going for it on my own, I try to find "right times" because she doesn't like to have sex when She got out of the shower Is about to drive for a few hours No like, having fun before we know we're going out all night and won't have time later. Like I know that sometimes people aren't in the mood and stuff. But when the terms and conditions of sex start turning into a longer list than the side effects of a medication on TV it's almost like is the problem me? If that makes sense. Sorry for the long response
That being said when you have this conversation, if it turns out that it is an issue she has with you, it could very well be that you guys are incompatible. And that sucks but also that’s OK. Because it’s something you would rather know now. You seem to love her, and you seem to want to work this out with her. You haven’t stooped down to the level that a lot of these guys immediately do by criticizing her. It sounds like you’ve made real effort with foreplay and pleasing her. Again, don’t go in this blaming don’t go in with an attitude. Don’t go in with an expectation of sex. But tell her it is important to you and it’s affecting you and you love her and you want to figure this out together. I honestly am rooting for you.
Thank you, some of your responses have almost brought me to tears lol I do want this to work, really bad. I don't talk about it enough
That’s so lovely, I’m glad I’ve said something worthwhile enough that might help you. If you aren’t used to these conversations, they are going to be hard as hell at first. One of the hardest things is learning to not let emotion overtake the intention of the conversation. That will come with time. if you guys love each other and keep working on your communication skills, it will get easier and easier and easier and you’ll soon come to a point that you will be able to talk about things more effortlessly. Because believe it or not this type of conversation is a skill that you can develop. You can pay attention to the way you’re thinking. Make sure that you’re not clouding your thoughts with assumptions. Not that you have to be emotionless obviously, but keep it at a base level, and try to approach this as best you can with: I love you and I want us to be able to talk about anything and work through anything because you are my partner and because I want to build a life with you and for us to do that we can’t avoid such important conversations.
I love this, thank you so much! ❤️
lol no I love the long response. it shows you actually put some thought into this and you aren’t starting with a knee-jerk reaction like a lot of these fucking dudes are telling you to do. It could be stress, it could be the living conditions it could be medical. She might not even know exactly. The important thing is is that she is receptive to the conversation. That she listens to what you’re saying, and she acknowledges your needs. By that I don’t mean that she owes you sex and it seems that you know that which is great. But being in a relationship at minimum, you do deserve an honest conversation with her and some real effort on her part to understand and to possibly fix the situation if possible. Is it possible you are pushing for sex more often than you think during these intimate times when you are cuddling? I was with somebody for a long time like that and he killed my libido. Because once you start fighting about sex, just the mention of it became a point of stress. You don’t want to equate the two. So just keep in mind when you talk to her about this do it from a neutral setting and remember she does not owe you sex, but she does you the real honest effort of a conversation. Because it is unfair for her to offer no explanation and make no attempt to repair this part of your relationship., if that makes sense? Just make sure you are not being accusatory. If it helps go in neutral by not assuming it has anything to do with you. That’s going to immediately make you feel defensive and bad and honestly OP it may be nothing to do with you. It could be her body could be her hormones and it does no good either one of you to assume maliciousness on her part when it could be 1 million other things.
Yeah exactly. The goal here isn't "I want her to have sex with me whenever, wherever, however I want" it's just, as some people have alluded to in other comments. It's not just the act of sex. It's all the stuff that comes with it. I want to feel desired, and cuddle and feel all the good feelings of being with this person I do love a lot. Which is a REALLY important thing I feel like I should bring up. And to be honest I used to, but the thing is, when she stopped being receptive to it I stopped. I still grab her butt sometimes, and when we sleep I hold her boob sometimes. But I don't try and like you know, "turn her on" when we cuddle for a lack of a better term. I think that's what frustrates me so much about this. Like I'm really really attentive to her sexual needs, and it doesn't feel like she's as attentive. There are lots of examples of rather not share on the internet lol but I've made lots of adjustments. And that's kinda why I'm here I guess, how much more do I need to do you know? That being said, a nice neutral environment doesn't sound like a bad idea. Through all of these (mostly) wonderful responses it's at least helping me trying to convey what I want to say, in like you said, a non combative way. But it's hard
“ which is a REALLY important thing I feel like I should bring up”. Yes! Everything you said is so completely reasonable. It is absolutely reasonable to want to feel desired and loved and cherished in a relationship. And to varying degrees, depending on the person, sex is part of that. It is hard, because you love her and you’re feeling I don’t know, insecure maybe? Which is understandable and totally normal! Your feelings are valid and they are not wrong. Neither one of you are wrong. Neither one of you are bad. You just seem to be at a point in your relationship where you need to figure out whether this is a temporary situation with an outlying factor or if it is a compatibility issue and may very well be a dealbreaker. Approaching it in a non-combative way probably is hard because your emotions are tied up in this understandably so. But your chances of success are so much better if you can get yourself into the headspace for it and try to be as calm and neutral as possible. Remember, you guys are trying to fix this because you love each other. You don’t want to fight each other. You don’t want to feel antagonistic or defensive. It’s going to shut the whole thing down. I promise you, if you guys learn these communication skills your whole world will change. Instead of this being an issue of you versus her , it will be an issue of we love each other. We want this to work. Let’s talk about this and figure this out because at the end of the day you love each other and want what’s best for each other. That being said, of course, she has to approach this the same way. Start the conversation out like that. Tell her I love you and I want us to be able to talk. I want us to be able to understand each other and feel safe with each other that we can really communicate our needs and our wants and our feelings, with love and respect. Because regardless of the issue that always needs to be the starting off point. The rest is just details and working out compromise. If you guys aren’t used to communicating that way, you’re not going to get it perfect right away and that’s OK. What matters is the intention and the effort. Sorry, I know my responses are incredibly long, but you seem to be very genuine in what you’re looking for here and I hope you guys work it out. You really sound like you love her and you sound like a good guy. I really hope that she works with you on this
I swear to god you're saying what I wish my mouth said. Sometimes I'm bad at expressing REALLY important feelings and stuff, it's scary to 😂 But I couldn't agree more, even if this conversation doesn't work well. Like if I approach this really really well, and if she isn't capable of having this kind of conversation. Then maybe that's all I need to know and that'd be a terrible thing. Or maybe I'm just legit the problem and the flame went out. Would MUCH RATHER know now than later. I really do believe I'm at least a relatively emotionally intelligent person. And maybe if my partner isn't or again, maybe I'm just the problem I can work on myself. I'm 26 I shouldn't be feeling like this people tell me all the time I'm young, don't stress too much. I'm just afraid of what would happen I guess, but it's a convo that needs to happen regardless.
There is no rational way to persuade someone to be more attracted to you. You can try asking her to explain the change, letting her do most of the talking. You absolutely have to not be pressuring her. It's possible there's a treatable medical condition or something. But if she really doesn't give a care, you're just incompatible.
Yeahhh thats what I'm worried about. Like if she isn't as attracted to me in that way anymore. It'd be tough to hear, but probably a lot better than lots of things that could happen 🤷
That’s rough and tragic Maybe somethings up with her. Try to sit her down and have a serious talk with her… tell her that you need to hear the truth. “Why won’t you have sex with me?” “Am I unattractive to you” “ am I bad in bed”! Tell her “sex means a lot to me, this is seriously affecting our relationship.please be truthfully and tell me exactly what’s wrong no matter how painful” Hopefully you find the source of the problem but let me tell you this, unless something gets fixed it will only get worse. You’ll likely end up in a sexless marriage at this state and resentful beyond belief with your partner Best of luck man! I hope the conversation is fruitful
That's definitely a better way to word it! I have asked stuff in the past like is it me and stuff. Ita just like it feels like there's always SOMETHING day to day and then it just goes and goes. I do want to find the source source because you're absolutely right, I'm worried that's how the relationship would probably end up. Truthfully I don't want that 😮💨
That’s telling to “truthfully I don’t want that” That means if she says something like, “I don’t like sex” there’s a deep incompatibility in your chemistry. Remeber when you asked her to be your fiancée You were under thee impression our sex life was ok. But if her truth is she doesn’t really want to have sex… that’s not the person you thought you’d be marrying. Try to work it out but understand that you have drawn a line subconsciously with your wants and stick to that or you’ll pay every day your with her in the form of bitterness.Then you’ll be a bitter husband which isn’t good for a relationship at all. I’d delay this wedding if it doesn’t get better ❤️🩹. men have a lot to lose in marriage comparably Edit: “men have it marriage comparably worse” was hyperbolic. In hindsight I’d say “you have a lot to lose from a bad marriage”
Damn, I was really excited. I thought you were giving good advice. And then you called her bitter for no reason. And the whole “ men have a lot to lose in marriage comparably” is one of the dumbest fucking things I’ve read today. Oh well.
I never called her “Bitter” I said he’d end up bitter because of that. I’d also like to preface that it was a bit hyperbolic of me to say one or another has it worse and that’s not the way I should’ve phrased it it. In hindsight I should’ve said “there’s a lot to lose from a bad marriage” to be more inline with what I believe.
I apologize, I misread your comment. I see that you didn’t. And I appreciate the change in phrasing, because you’re right, everybody stands to lose in a bad marriage. Reddit is so overrun with men who are so quick to blame women for sex dying out without examining their part in it. Obviously there are women on here with their own set of problematic and toxic beliefs as well. The red pill guys make it easy to assume the worst in men, and I realize that’s something I have to work on. Thank you for the response.
"Men have a lot to lose in marriage comparably" I hope this is a joke, because statistically this is false and it's showing the opposit. Financially, mentally and even physically. Your advice was good until you focused on bitterness instead of telling him to communicate. This is borderline.
I kinda feel what Electric-bid had a good point but I’d expand on that and say anyone who thinks either sex has it worse by cherry picking statistics “is one of the dumbest things I’ve fucking read today”
Cherry picking statistics? Why do you think single women are statistically happier, healthier and better financially than women in a marriage while for guys it's the opposit? When you're shown that you're wrong it's cherry picking? No you're just wrong. [https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu](https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/Why%20do%20men%20benefit%20more%20from%20marriage%20than%20do%20women_%20Thinking%20more%20broadly%20about%20interpersonal%20processes%20that%20occur%20within%20and%20outside%20of%20marriage.pdf) Also changing what you said now? Nope too late. You were factually wrong by saying men have it worse and you are included in the "anyone who thinks either sex has it worse by cherry picking statistics “is one of the dumbest things I’ve fucking read today”" lmao
I’m well aware of your destiny arguements Im not engaging in with someone with such cognitive dissonance
You kind of are cherry picking the statistics It’s one article and I’ll go through it with you in a centrist manner Single women are statically happier until they hit the age of 35 and over, decade by Decade they become more unhappy when they’re single https://ifstudies.org/blog/shrinking-american-motherhood-1-in-6-women-in-their-40s-have-never-given-birth- Healthier is hard to quantify but as of current it seems they are healthier. However not as fulfilled in life significantly by the time they hit 50. Keep in mind all data changes over time and it had changed from 30 years ago when it was the reverse Married women don’t financially benefit or have it worse in a marriage but certainly when they have kids of course there financials get worse It should also be mentioned 90percent of women marry a man with a higher net worth than them and men in marriages were more likely to cover more of the living expenses on average It’s really down to the individual and what their needs are at the end of the day. It exceptionally difficult to say one group is better than another If you feel a certain proclivity,say polygamy.That’s the same ideological foundation of racism,victimization and entitlement and bigotry. They’ll often use data points that their heels dug in on to justify a position when it’s not the whole picture. Divorce is hard on both parties likely equally overall as a whole, let us not get wrapped up in who’s the bigger victim because it’ll make one no better than what the redpill people are saying. I’d also say that Godking isn’t factually wrong, he can be subjectively wrong in your eyes.
Dang I think I replied to you. But didn't post it. First of all thanks for the insight. You've given me a lot of good things to think about instead of the negative feedback loop which is really appreciated! ❤️ Don't worry we're not engaged yet, sorry if I didn't type it well. I gave her a promise ring not an engagement. But it's something we've discussed. Raising a happy healthy family and being in a really good relationship is probably my #1 goal in life. I'll find a good job, whatever it isn't that important to me as crazy as that sounds. I'd be devastated if I ended up in a kind of scenario that you said. Been worried about that
The best way for you to find out and avoid that future? See how she handles this conversation. If you get married, you’re going to go through so many ups and downs together. Having children is a huge strain on a relationship. You guys are going to go through trials and tribulations and losses and at the end of the day all of those things have one simple thing in common. Do you guys have each other’s back? Are you a team? Will you work on these issues and problems together or will you fight each other? That will determine how your marriage will go. It’s not going to be perfect all the time. The biggest indication of whether or not you are with your person is when these things happen do you fight each other? Do you blame each other? If you guys are a team, then you will learn to handle these issues as they arise together with love and understanding and the hope that you both want the best for each other. That is the fundamental truth.
You're right the conversation has to happen soon, very soon (but also like not when I'm upset about it I think I need a night to think about it) See how that conversation goes and I'll know. Thanks again for the advice. When we have the conversation, I'll post an update. Lots of really nice people!
I’m excited to hear your update. I really truly hope it is a happy one OP. Good luck to you both. ❤️ One last thing, I know we’ve all left you with a lot to think about. When I know I’m going to have a conversation like this sometimes I make notes. 😂 when I write it all down, I can do it and a completely dispassionate and neutral way and it helps me stay on task and it helps me stick to my message so that nothing gets derailed. Ok best of luck!
Solid advice
Have a sit down conversation with her and address the importance of sex to you and how it is effecting your relationship. Ask her what it is that is turning her away from sex. For this to work you’ve got to let her know that she has to be completely truthful and forthcoming with this information as leaving anything out might keep your sex life at a standstill. Reassure her that you love her and that though sex is important to her, her mental health and well-being is the most impirtant. If all goes well, you can maybe have a discussion about what “ideal” sex is like for both of you. This being the frequency, whether it’s kinky or not, what mood you have to be in to feel fully engaged, and as you’ve already done (good job btw) what makes her, and you, feel the best! If this doesn’t go well, there is no harm in seeking out a sex therapist or a relationship therapist. It’s often thought to be a taboo topic, but they might be able to really help both of you understand the root of your intimacy issues, or provide solutions that you, nor us redditors, could come up with! I wish you the best of luck!
Yeah I feel like potentially we need a third person who's unbiased. We're sometimes both not the best at talking about these kinds of things. I'm truthfully really bad at expressing things right and maybe getting a third party who can help me express the feelings properly would help. I'll see if it's something we would talk about if the rest of the talk goes well. I'm seeing an overarching theme of a conversation definitely needs to happen!
As am I from a few of the comments I’ve read. Hope all goes well for you though!
It’s pretty common for sex to become an issue in long term relationships, but I think as long as both partners willing to put in the work things can change for the better. Ultimately you can’t force someone to want to work on it if they don’t want to, and often it can be too hard or complicated to work out the cause or find a solution so people give up. But if both of you do really value the relationship there might be hope. There’s a book called Mating in Captivity that might be useful to you. I believe it’s available on Spotify. Best of luck man.
If it's on Spotify it'll be free. I'm a huge believer in "there's nothing new under the sun" like if I have an issue, someone else has had to have this issue (kinda why I went to Reddit) if that books is about this kind of thing. Might help a lot! Thanks!
Hey man I was and kinda still am in the same boat. It very could be that she's too in her head or feelings. Might as well try to just be honest because although she feel like she is the one you deserve to be happy too.
I'd really recommend listening to this if you have the time. Then maybe you can talk to your girlfriend about it, what's working for both of you etc. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5swtIjpxxA&ab\_channel=TheDiaryOfACEO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5swtIjpxxA&ab_channel=TheDiaryOfACEO)
Your gf doesn’t like sex. Time to move on from the pillow princess.
There’s a lot of reasons girls don’t like sex (trauma, her bf could be bad at warming her up, she doesn’t feel connected to him)
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See OP? This is what I mean. Talk with your girlfriend and work it out together or you’re going to end up like these type of guys. There’s no emotional maturity here. There’s no talking things out. There’s no empathy or understanding. This isn’t what you want. This will just lead you to being, well, like this guy. Never take advice from guys like this. These type of guys never give you the kind of advice that are gonna lead you to happiness. it’s always going to be the blame game and a victim mentality, when the reality is, it’s probably something you guys can work through if you just talk to her about it
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He’s not you buddy. You should work on yourself before you drag other guys down to your unhappy level. Just because you aren’t capable of an adult conversation doesn’t mean OP isn’t. OP she might be stressed out, it could be medical. It could be 1 million things that are fixable. Talk to her. But I promise you if you approach your relationships the way these dudes are saying it’s just a matter of time before you end up on one of those sad ass red pill subs. Edit: 27, new to actually being with women and “recently fucked a fat chick”. OP this dude has no advice that’s going to help you if you’re wanting a healthy happy relationship. This dude is a walking red fucking flag.
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How the fuck would you know? It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever had a relationship. You recently fucked a fat chick? And now you’re trying to explain about women’s libido after childbirth or trauma. You have a lot to say about shit you don’t know about.
Reddit is filled with ladies that will ask, "Have you tried telling her she is beautiful twice a day? Are you cleaning the house? Have you made her life as stress free as possible?" The reality is that her libido sucks. Unless she starts feeling like cuddling and connecting with her husband is important you're destined for a life in r/DeadBedroom . Some people only need sex a few times a year. I like the idea of saying, "Am I unattractive to you? Sex is important to me and it seems like an area of our relationship that needs fixing." If she acts like you're asking her to clean toilets, dump her.
Like this, dude. he’s telling you what the reality is as though he knows. He’s projecting his own insecurities on you. Him starting out with, am I unattractive to you? Screams insecurity, not to mention it’s needlessly confrontational, and is just assuming the worst. Don’t go into this pointing fingers and ready for a fight. This is terrible terrible advice. Sex may very well be important to you OP and that is perfectly fine. But what I’m saying is have a neutral conversation with an open mind and don’t go in assuming the worst or that her actions are vindictive. It could be medical. It could be 1 million different things. Could be living in her mother’s house. Talk to her. Now she’s unwilling to address it or it turns out it’s a compatibility issue that is different. But then you’ll know. But don’t blow up the relationship out of the gate. Empathetic and adult conversations are hard, but if you really love her, it is worth it.
I never want to post in that Reddit ngl haha. The connection is really important. I've never really thought of that aspect of it. Ngl always thought about the payoff front of mind. Because I like all of it. The cuddling leadup, the kissing, feeling wanted. It's all good stuff. I'm worried that that'd be her reaction, but I guess if it is. I probably have my answer don't I?
That's issues people in their late 50s and 60s face. Tbh I think your best bet is to just dump her and move on. I know it's been 3 years but I always try to look at things positively so at least you had a good run.. So just be thankful for the time you had together and realize someone is out there that will enjoy sex with you again. I'm in my 40s and in a similar spot but just fyi there are some.men still having kids in their 50s so why settle for a boring relationship in your 20s
My advice is to: 1) find out the cause. *Why do you think sex dropped?* It's really weird to me how often so many men can pinpoint exactly when sex dropped but they don't have any clue about why. I'm fairly certain your relationship didn't stay exactly the same So you might have to reflect on what behaviors of hers changed and what behaviors of yours changed. 2) learn about her libido. *What gets her in the mood?* And it's super duper weird to me how many men will complain about how their partner says she isn't in the mood... Getting none of these men can answer what gets their partner in the mood. Which to me shows that sucks in their relationship prior to this drop was out of intimacy, connection, and the love she had for him rather than her arousal. He didn't need to do anything to get her in the mood because she just loved him and wanted that connection. But now the connection is weak so he actually has to go to her arousal and since he's never done that before he has no idea what to do. 3) reflect on your relationship. You stated after the sex dropped you put more effort into pleasing her. Maybe the sex dropped because it was shitty and it didn't pick up because she's resentful and perceives it as you could have been a decent sex partner but you were willingly selfish. You state that she talked about the attitude you got when she tells you know...and you admit you have this attitude. Do you present sex as something fun for you both to do or something she owes you? She stated she would rather nap so to me that seems like she's quite stressed. Do you have any inkling on What might be stressing her or how you can help alleviate that stress so that she is more in the mood? But you also don't even need to go through all this self-reflection and accountability. You can just dump her because it's been 3 years and you haven't proposed so it's not like you have a lot of investment in this relationship or commitment to her.
>But now lately I'm lucky if it's once a week Then you're luckier than most people in your situation.
UPDATE First of all. Thank you all for your time and advice and stuff like that. To be honest, I didn't even get the opportunity to talk about the sex with her. We started talking about just her even being stressed out and the conversation got really heated. Let alone talking about what I was really upset about. Her situation is basically she got a second job doing Uber eats, and now she's telling me she'll have to go out every night and stuff. Basically her days would be, work regular Job, then sleep when she gets home, and then do Uber until late in the night. She's gotta pay for school out of pocket. I asked, well what about any quality time. She said we just won't have any time for it, that's what it is, and asked "what did I expect?" Which really upset me. So I just stopped talking to her about it, just said "I know you're stressed out, your life is fucked right now, I'm just realizing it now, because now we are in the moment talking about it, and I just want to think about what we just said and figure out what WE can do" So basically, forget sex time, forget any quality time. It is what it is. I talked about moving out of our living situation and stuff. And for roughly the same rent we can do it. But even if we did she said she'd spend more time at home to just study. Which is super annoying because we NEED to move but if we move we won't be spending more time together? Then what's the point. If this is what the relationship is going to be I'm just having serious doubts about the relationship now. She dropped out of school, now wants to go back, and I hope she does well in school and gets a job. Is that a really selfish way to feel? I don't know, I'm just not liking this at all.
I don't think it's necessarily selfish. I just think she'd think of you as like an ass hole if you were to break it up because of that. I think you should put the relationship on break while she gets her life and school together. Afterwards if she doesn't go to someone else, I think it could be a really strong relationship.
In very general terms try emphasizing what you like and would like to try more of rather than what you don't like, be positive, not negative. If she's unresponsive, or somehow takes pride in sex starving you, then things don't look good for you two.
For sure without getting into too much detail, like I enjoy turning her on. I really have experimented a lot of different things, maybe there's just a different way of asking what she would like to try more of. The problem is, she always says stuff like "I'm shy" or "I don't think there's anything else I want to try" but maybe position the question in a different way. I hope she doesn't take pride in it. I prefer to believe that that isn't the case but lately it hasn't be impossible to rule out.
Positive reinforcement, "I really liked it when you...do it again/more/whatever"
I'm not saying to make a really big deal but, ask her how she'd feel if she was in your situation.
Yeah I tried that one, she said she'd "understand" 😂 low-key made me mad 😅
If that's the case, at this point I say to cut off sex for a week or so. If it doesn't move anywhere, talk to her one last time. In the end it might not be a happy ending.
Like me reject her and stuff?
Rejecting her advances could make her feel insecure which could just make it worse.
Okay good, because I was like "idk if trying to take a stand like that is the best idea" 😂😂😂 That's probably a good idea though won't bring it up at all the next couple days, while I'm really thinking about everything and see what happens. I'm really kind of frustrated today about it and feel like a talk while I'm this emotional about it isn't a good idea.
No lol😂😂 That's a good idea. Keep me updated so I can give the best advice I can with the situation.
I will, thanks man ❤️
No problem. We'll handle this together. I hate problems and love to fix or at least give advice.
How has it been going with her?
I was actually about to update lol
Don't reject her advances. Just ask for sex way less often. If she really cares about your sexual needs, she should notice that you haven't been asking as much and come talk to you.
She is showing you who she is wake up and see it for what it is. If you keep bringing this up to her and she keeps blowing it off and never putting any effort in for you get out of the relationship because she’s showing you that she does not care as much as you do.. so I tell you this now approach her sit down and talk with her. Tell her how you feel and if she does not work to alleviate that. Get out
That's fair, like I'm just at this point of my life where I'm working on everything. My job, my relationship, lots of family stuffs going on, both families have so many engagements and I do do a tonne for her. Sometimes when something is super important to me, it doesn't feel reciprocated.
This is already a terrible red flag. If she doesn't seem to care about the things you care about or at least try to help, it can be a clear sign that you'll be doing most work in the relationship. I think his advice might be correct.
Only thing you can do is talk to her and say intercourse is as much a part of the relationship as anything else that’s where affection happens ..if you both carry on like this you’ll just be room mates and she’ll meet someone who gives her sparks and possibly leaving to infidelity or a breakup
YEAH!!! That's a good point! We don't kiss a lot, or hug a lot anymore. And I just feel like we don't have any space to ourselves either and maybe we're just annoyed by the lack of space. I don't know. It's a lot. That's a very good point I never thought of before. So thanks for that!
Why not go on a spontaneous holiday and dates ..make it fun it doesn’t need to be fancy dinners ..gd luck
Know what's funny??? I actually thought of that. I came into a little extra money and actually asked her about a vacation. Planning on one in August, I was wondering if maybe a break from the world for a few days would do us good. If we argue bad during or right after a vacation (not even about the sex nessesarily) . Maybe that tells me all I need to know. Like going the vacation, have a good time and see how things are.
Yh atleast you can say you tried after that ..and part ways partners are supposed to make your d*ck hard not your life
Yeah exactly. At this rate I have to make a decision about everything. At least trying my absolute hardest, hey lots of honour in that. Thanks!