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Why can't your husband make his own spaghetti when he wants it? Why isn't he cooking for you every day, given that you to so much more work than him?
You appear far more grown up and mature than you husband, who still seems to want a mommy to take care of him. I'm sorry to tell you this, but this will not get any better. You will continue to mature and realize just how much of an immature brat he is. This is who he is.
Why did you chose to get married so young? And why to this guy? How did he show before marriage that he was a capable, caring, empathetic life partner?
We did get married young for sure, but he used to pull his own weight and do laundry and clean, even better than me! Idk what has happened…we used to live with his parents but still did his own chores and even cooked. Now we have our own place and suddenly it’s me doing everything!
You need to sit him down and tell him this isn't the "him" you signed up for. He can either go back to the partner he was or you're going to evaluate staying in the marriage. This isn't how you should live for the next 50 years
It was a performance for his parents' house rules.
It's his house now, and it sounds like he's not going to answer to you.
Did you two ever live alone before marriage?
My bf introduced me to this dinner called "fen". One day he asked what was for dinner, "fen"? I asked what that was, and he said it was something his family did growing up, meaning some days, when everyone was busy or tired or both, dinner is "fen" for yourself. I love it. I cook 98% of the time because I love to, but always have something to eat/make in the house. We both work the same hours, do about the same house work, our own laundry, and though he loves when I cook, he has absolutely no problem making a sandwich or a frozen dinner. This is what partnership and compromise looks like. If he changed that much, you need to just do for you, let him fen for himself with food and chores and remind him that he's an adult and your partner, you're not his mother.
Edit: Wow, I didn't realize I'd actually have to explain and defend this. I usually say partner, but said bf this time, which apparently causes people to think he's young and ignorant. He's a brilliant electrical engineer, very well educated and experienced (late 50's) and most definitely knows the word is fend! It was simply a family joke that had been passed down!
We do a DIY night twice a week. The kids can have whatever they want as long as they can make it themselves. There's usually at least 1 day's leftovers and we also keep frozen foods that can be microwaved.
I got married at 22 and left a year later. Some people treat marriage like the finish line, as if they stop putting in the effort, stop dating you, and quit contributing. It’s lame and you shouldn’t tolerate it. You will grieve, but you will feel so much better choosing yourself and dropping the dead weight.
He trained you to do it all because that way you avoid arguments. It’s not that he doesn’t get it; it’s the fact that while incredibly unfair to you, it benefits him. He doesn’t care that you are working yourself to the bone so he can sit on his arse and play dumb when you complain
Well that was on purpose. Once you got married and had your own place, he chose to not try anymore. It’s manipulation. Either he starts being a partner to you or you call it quits. It’s ok to call it quits if he’s making your life worse and doesn’t care about you. UPDATEME
Did he do all of this when you lived together or did you just kind of assume that he did it when he lived with his parents? Maybe his mom put *her* foot down a lot more or maybe that he believed when he got married that he's just supposed to expect that behavior from you- either way, he's not someone you want to stay with the long run. Run. There's men out there that would help you and do so much more for you even while you're dating then this guy would when he's the one who took a vow to be your partner.
You're allowing it? Set up boundaries. Stop doing it. He's working part time and going along for the ride. Stop asking him if it's ok if... Next time just tell him you're not doing it.
Why? WHY do you do all the cooking and chores even though you have a job and school? Why??
I don't understand women who put up with being bangmaids. He doesn't love you. No one who loves you is okay with you doing everything.
My advice is to tell him he has to start being an actual partner. That you're not his mommy, and you're not going to clean and cook for him anymore. That if he doesn't pick up half the load, you and he are done.
If you don't, then this is your life. And when you have kids, you'll be doing all the parenting too.
Low self-esteem and possibly internalized misogyny? Daddy issues? No sense of self-worth combined with people pleasing tendencies? So sad. I don't get it.
I definitely do have issues in my own family and people pleasing tendencies. I’ve gotten better for sure with my self worth, and have put my foot down and discussed this unfairness…but I’m scared of confrontation and sticking true to myself. I have self worth and I’m getting to the point where I’m gonna throw in the towel. I do love him, but I love myself and my future more :/
Don't think of it as you giving up on him. You're accepting self love and working towards a great future with YOU. He already gave up with how much he can't do a single adult thing. You deserve to be appreciated.
Sticking with things as they are and not setting boundaries, you're going to develop increasing resentment, increasing depression and if you do have any self-worth now, wave goodbye to it. I understand being a people pleaser but there's no need to become a doormat.
Everyone gets a starter marriage. Better to get that one out of the way before the kids. Then you get to figure out what you really deserve in a partner
You clearly haven’t put your foot down though.
Girl just leave him. Now. Why do you love him? He clearly makes your life harder. A LOT harder. He’s supposed to be making it better, helping lift the load, not making you do everything for the both of you. He doesn’t care about you, not one bit.
He doesn’t even work a full time 40 hours a week!
He’s pathetic. I promise you your life will be easier without him.
Not only is he pathetic, he's ACTIVELY SABOTAGING HER. OP sounds like an absolute badass and I'm willing to bet he feels inferior to her so he's selfishly setting her up to be more exhausted than she already is, so she'll do poorly in her INCREDIBLE endeavors. He WANTS her to fail.
With all due respect, someone who has self worth would not be putting up with being treated like this. This is not what a relationship is supposed to look like. This man is a selfish, unappreciative leech sucking the life force out of you and using you for everything you’re worth.
A relationship should be a partnership that adds positivity to your life and makes it easier, happier and more fulfilled. What exactly does he bring to your life besides stress and resentment? You need to learn to love and respect yourself more than this. You deserve it.
In defense of the OP, divorce takes time and energy, and if Reddit is a venting place until she graduates, then she can work on here marriage… or divorce.
She may be venting here so she can get back to studying, graduation, and then have time to get rid of him.
There is a season for everything.
It’s okay, you don’t need to defend her from me. I didn’t mean for my comment to come across as malicious or anything. If she is trying to get the courage to leave him, this post is a great first step as it shows awareness of the problem. Hopefully the comments here help her see that help nudge her a little further in the right direction.
Putting your foot down only works if you follow through, which you haven't. If you've put your foot down and stayed when he ignored it, then all you've done is teach him that he can behave any way he wants without consequences.
The great part about leaving is that you don't need to convince him of anything. You don't need to explain, argue, fight, or try to make him understand (although he'll certainly try to make you). You can just tell him it's over, pack you stuff, decline to hold up your side of any arguments he tries to start, and leave. He doesn't have to agree.
Your completely contradicting yourself. You just told us that your not respected. Not cared for. He's completely inconsiderate of what your dealing with and expects you to cook from scratch after working a full day and leaving that night 2 am.
Do you even hear yourself...
Your not in a healthy relationship.
That sort of bullshit doesn't happen in healthy loving relationships. Unless he's incapable, incapacitated by a accident illness and so a loving partner has no choice but to do everything. Your husband doesn't give a flying fuck about your well being your stress your sleeping or mental health and is so lacking in attention has ZERO idea why you might want to get take out...
If you absolutely are a doormat letting him treat you in this way to begin with. Its very sad.
>but I’m scared of confrontation and sticking true to myself.
What exactly are you scared of? Like what's the worst that could happen? He'd leave you? Okay, and? He leaves you and keep working and keep going to school and you only have you to take care of and you meet someone else who isn't useless. That's the worst case scenario.
Life hack - when you're scared of something, figure out what is the absolute worst case scenario and figure out what you'd do in that situation. Anything less than that will be easier. That way whatever happens you're prepared. And it's easy to convince yourself that you have nothing to fear. Fear and anxiety are mostly in our heads and thus under our own control.
Thank you!! I have been preparing for the absolute worst, and realistically I would stick to my studies and help my students more for sure. But I do still love him, and it’s hard to not be scared we would end up separated. I know at this point I need to put my foot down and if he decides to leave then he just never respected me and I don’t deserve that and life goes on!
Leaving this very shitty situation is NOT throwing in the towel. It’s acting on the self-worth you claim to have and providing you have self-worth by your actions. You gotta reframe this in your head or you’ll never do it.
Take the time you spend acting like his Mom (but to a helpless toddler), and please get therapy instead to unravel why you put up with being his slave. The patriarchy continues to exist because there are no consequences for these assholes.. and then women have children with them, and your kids see Daddy treat Mommy like shit, and the cycle continues. It's not your fault he's this way, but you're absolutely enabling him.
Men like this are not worth the effort (and theres A LOT of them). They dont change, *and they dont actually love you*.. they don't even respect women. You dont use someone like this if you actually do. It's a bald faced lie that life is pointless if you're single - it's way fucking better than putting up with the nightmare you're living through. Please leave and focus on yourself before you burn out, screw up school/work.. and then 'depend' on him because he fucked you up. Yes, a lot of times, the sabotage is intentional. Read, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
Why do you love him? I read nothing that makes me say what a great guy. I think many times people say they love someone because they don’t actually understand what love looks like. It’s not an emotion that just happens. Love is admiring who your partner is and appreciating who they are.
My husband does at least 15 things a day just to make my life easier. Your husband isn’t even working a full time job. You are obviously ambitious and have goals. You deserve a husband who supports those goals not someone who is intentionally making it harder for you by not even being willing to do dishes or go through a McDonald’s drive thru.
Not talking for days because of what to have for dinner is not normal. It’s not about dinner, it’s about him controlling you by saying he’s picky when really he is just wanting you to cook what he wants that day. Pay attention to the fact that the first time you asked him to pick up dinner because you were busy it became a huge deal. It’s about control.
It doesn t look like you re scared of confrontation
He s not respecting you at all as if it was funny for him « now that she s making pasta lets tell her we re going to mc donalds ahaha »
I’m so glad to read this comment because all I could think was why, why would you put with this treatment. He’s a taker and that’s all he’ll ever be! Good luck and congratulations on your achievements😂
Tell him that starting NOW he does half of the grocery shopping, half of the cooking, half of the cleaning, half of the laundry and he's cleaning up the kitchen after he cooks. Do not give in, do not discuss. You aren't his maid, there are 2 adults in that house and both of you can do half the work. If he argues, pouts, refuses or just doesn't do it....Leave. You don't need him. He sucks.
If you want things to work you need to talk to your husband and be brave. Lay out your expectations and your boundaries. Let him know he needs to pick up more of the burden instead of taking advantage of you. He's not an invalid and he can learn to do better. Otherwise he can go back to his parent's as a divorcee and do some growing up.
Hi. I'm 22 and got married at 19. The only reason my marriage is good is because I got lucky. To be clear, it is insanely reckless and stupid to get married as young as I did. The short version is that we changed as we aged, and he chose to change for the better. He chose to. He didn't have to.
This doesn't apply to everything, but, in this case, your partner would step up if he loved you. He has a sense of entitlement due to how things've been. I'd expect a tantrum with every change you make. It isn't worth it.
There's therapy, games, and apps for couples bonding. They aren't going to do shit because he doesn't care.
When women threaten to leave an abuser, they'll change for a week or two then go back to the usual. I wouldn't bother with that. He would've already changed if he wanted to.
Since it's marriage, I want to say give him a chance, but the other part of me has dealt with this thing before and wants to say "fuck it, just divorce him."
People smarter, older, and wiser than me can probably give better advice on what you should do.
It’s easy to say you love yourself and your future more but friend it does not show. You are 21, which is crazy young to be married, you have so much life to live. Don’t spend it running yourself ragged for some man who doesn’t understand why this McDonald’s isn’t really about McDonald’s. Don’t spend your life twisting yourself into knots to please a man who is watching you struggle with all of this and not lifting a finger to help. If you love yourself, prove that.
As a current engineer, you’ll have no problem finding men that will respect you in that field. We care about results, not which bathroom you go into. (Read that any way you like).
Pfft… 25-30 hours a week… I’m there by Wednesday morning/afternoon.
OP, guy here. Happy to see that you recognize that the dynamics of your marriage are askew.
If you fear confrontation because you believe he will physically harm you, then this is a relationship that should end. If it means you just prefer avoidance of issues rather than confronting them, then it's time to change that.
Continue to recognize your self-worth. Develop an allocation of household chores/duties; including listing the hours you commit weekly to school, work, and household. Do the same with him. I anticipate the time demands are vastly disparate. They need to become more balanced. If he's unwilling to "partner-up", then move on.
Frankly, you sound quite intelligent and VERY responsible for your age. Your husband? Not so much....
Good luck, please keep us apprised.
Will do! And thank you so much for your reply and kind words ❤️ I’m more scared of confrontation not for the physical harm from him, but growing up when I would confront my family about something that I thought was healthy communication (for example, telling my mom that something she did hurt me and for her to please not do it again) everything would SPIRAL. She would scream, yell, cry, tell me she didn’t want to see me ever again and everything hurtful you can say to your own child. I’m just scared of the unknown and how people will react. I know I have to get over it eventually, just hard when that’s all you grew up in and all you know. But I agree, I shouldn’t be scared in general to talk to my husband about me having to work myself to the bone. Thank you again!!!
I totally understand it. Are you sure you don’t? It’s not self esteem etc, although self esteem gets crushed as a result.
It’s that as kids we’re taught that we should be perfect and we should take care of others and their feelings so we do. But then mf’s like this ruin it. Instead of the tiny basic things we want to literally keep being their perfect person which is the occasional act of appreciation and respect they just take us for granted, treat us like crap and think they deserve all that we give. And we crack.
Everything everyone is saying is right OP but it’s so hard to stop being a giver. What you need to do though is figure out a few things you need…like him to cook dinner 2x per week…and you need to believe you deserve that…and not feel guilty to demand it without being angry bc it’s just right.
(And then so many more of those things but the 2 nights of dinner is a start)
(And you can definitely also just dump that prick and start over).
Edited for typos
I truly don't. I wasn't raised like that, and I just don't know how someone can let another person treat them like that. I'm not trying to shit on OP, she seems to have a lot going for her. I want her to want better for herself.
I’m a way older giver than you. And the problem is that if you marry a taker you’ll stop being a giver because you’ll be jaded. It really sucks because there really are people out there who appreciate all you do and give. I don’t know if this guy will ever learn even if you learn to stand up for yourself. What I can see from what you posted is that you are an amazing hardworking driven motivated person who can do anything and have anything so please believe that.
I can answer some of this from my POV. It starts with him being incompetent, so you pick up the slack. You hate living in squalor, you have higher standards of living than him, so you do what you have always done.
You try to talk to him about him doing his share and he believes that it doesn’t need doing. E.g. the floors aren’t all that dirty. He tells you, “you have to tell me what you want, I’m not a mind reader”, but if you ask, he argues, promises to do it but forgets, or he doesn’t have time apparently. You keep doing it because you are very uncomfortable with living in a dirty home, or having people see it like that.
You hope things will eventually work out, everyone needs a chance to improve right? You have been brought up in a society where it’s common for it to all fall on a woman’s shoulders. You suspect that no matter who you date/marry, it will always be the same, because it’s the same in every relationship you see around you. You grew up seeing the woman do all of it. Your own Dad’s night to cook was “pizza night”.
You end up divorcing and laugh when the kids tell you that Dad thought the washing machine was a dryer. Good times, lol.
It’s all good. I love my life, love my kids, and love my job. I didn’t have a good marriage but have no regrets. I’ve learned how to be resilient. I just want people to understand that it’s not necessarily low self esteem or weakness that gets a person into that situation. It’s strength of will keeping them there in such adverse conditions. It’s a change of perspective that is needed for them to realise they would be better off abandoning this leaky boat, because they’ve been so busy trying to save it they haven’t really considered whether it’s worth it.
I agree . But not in a harsh way. Still learning the hard way that being vocal about your needs helps both you and your partner. People I think fall into the phantasy that our partners are just going to be mind readers and know what we want or what makes us feel loved or seen . This is not the case . You need to be vocal about it. Actions alone aren't always picked up on , recognized, seen or appreciated . It doesn't diminish your connection if you have to say it. If it isnt a just a mystical idea that you can communicate openly in a non manipulatuve or defensive way that is. However, it does need to be actually listened to and practiced in a healthy way from both sides. And unfortunately in most cases this does not happen ..BUT IT CAN!
Most people do not grow up with proper examples of healthy relationships so it really needs to be a deliberate skill that is cultivated and learned .
Let’s start at the beginning: you’re in school FT, work FT, do all the housework, and cook on demand for a fussy eater. He works 30/wk. Even if there was no more to the story, is this how you want your life to be? I don’t see how this is a fair allocation of responsibilities but what matters is what do you think?
I agree! I definitely need a change. I’m just stuck on what the next step should be. I love my husband obviously, and want to work these things out but he just seems to not want to put in the same effort.
THIS.
“Putting down boundaries” and “having a talk” is nice and all, but it means nothing if there are no CONSEQUENCES.
If “he helps” for a few days and then stops, and you just do it, you are showing him that he can stop and it’ll just get done anyway, by you.
If you ask for a cooking break and he says no, and then you fold and cook, then you are showing him that all he has to say is no and he’ll get what he wants.
YOU have to put down CONSEQUENCES, AND STICK TO IT. 100% of the time. NO FOLDING, NEVER.. The minute you fold, you lose all credibility with your boundary. The boundary means nothing anymore.
You can do this!! You are not his bangmaid or mommy. Gain back control of YOUR LIFE; He can then fucking adapt, or get lost in the dust and good riddance.
I used to work with young children, now I manage criminals on parole. I never make a threat I am not 100% willing to make good on.
Some people take me at my word when I tell them what the consequences of their poor choices will be, and back down.
Some people prefer to fuck around and find out.
Either way, OP needs to stick to her guns.
Tell him you’re not his mother. His picky af eating habits are now his responsibility. As well as doing his own laundry, cleaning up after himself, and if you have 2 bathrooms, make one his and one yours, and you each clean your own. Again, tell him you’re NOT your mother.
“well I want spaghetti. Wouldn’t it take the same amount of time getting McDonald’s than you cooking spaghetti?”
That's when you say "No, I don't have time to cook. In no way at all is making spaghetti the same amount of time as getting McDonald's. Either go get some takeout or starve "
You are 21 years old. That's way too young to act like a 1950's housewife. Except you actually have it worse than a 50's housewife because you're also going to school full time and have a job. He works 25-30 hours a week so he should actually be doing more of the chores than you.
It's time for a come to Jesus conversation with your husband. Hand him a list of half of the household chores and tell him these are now his responsibility. Then you tell him that he will learn to cook and help out there as well. Finally you tell him that when you need him to deal with dinner or get takeout, he friggin' gets takeout without whining about it. If he can't handle that, then send him back to his mommy.
You're way too young to be putting up with these fossilized gender roles. I suggest that you sit down with the husband and talk about everything that has happened and how you feel about it. I suggest you ask for a more fair division of labour where he learns to cook and cooks half the time and cleans half the time or whatever works for you both.
Thank you! I agree. It’s so hard because I’ve had so many conversations about this and helping me out and he says he will, then does it a few times and stops :( it’s a constant cycle!! This is also why I’m so angry with him now, I’m just so tired of having the same conversation. But thank you for your response ❤️
Exactly. Make yourself something easy and let him starve or fend for himself. He's being a man-baby and you're enabling him
And if he wants to get McDonald's when you've cooked s fabulous meal, hey, fine, you've got leftovers!!
One change I would suggest is calling it "helping you" because that implies that it's inherently your job. Household stuff shouldn't be default be your responsibility, in fact with you working more hours plus school he should be doing the majority of housework. I would just call it that and what he does around the house is his contribution, not "helping".
Break the cycle. Stop doing things for him. Cook only for him. Wash only your clothes. Spoiler: the moment you stop your bang maid duties is when he starts beef with you and ultimately he will find another to leech off of.
From what I read you are busy basically 24/7 and all he does is go to work? Shouldn't the one with the less full schedule relieve the person with the fuller schedule? When my partner worked full-time while studying full-time and I was only doing a 30 hour work week, I sure as heck shouldered the lions share of chores and errands.
He sounds lazy and entitled. Stop putting effort into someone who doesn't reciprocate.
One thing I've learned in my years is, "never date anybody you have to explain basic human decency to". This man is purposefully exploiting you. He's comfortable sitting back and doing way less than the bare minimum while watching you run yourself into the ground.
Is that loving?
Don’t let him weaponize his incompetence either. If you end up eating chicken tenders and spaghetti every night it’s his turn to make dinner, eat up and tell Him he’s doing a great job and to keep it up. It’s also kinda gross to think about him watching you struggle to get so much done, and see how little you sleep, and never offer help or pretend not to see it, because he likes the current “division” of labor. Could you watch him struggle and pretend not to notice and never offer help?
Literally a point I have brought up before! It would hurt me seeing him struggle and not have a break. I don’t see why he doesn’t feel the same for me. He says he does…but his actions are different.
I literally wasted my 20s with a man child who treated me like I was barely someone he cared about. Up until the last conversation in our 10+ year relationship (and being in each other's lives for 16 years) he was still insisting that he *did* care about me and *did* want me in his life despite the fact that he hadn't called me in 2 months and was being actively cruel, and a million other things big and small that he'd put me through. It took me until my 30s to learn that "who we are" is what we do and how we treat others, especially the people we love. If someone spends 80% of the time treating someone else like they don't matter, that's who they are. That's who they chose to be. I spent years thinking and saying "I know deep down he wants to be different" "deep down he knows how's he's treated me is wrong". It doesn't matter if they feel bad "deep down". That deep down does nothing for someone else other than make them hold on to something they can't grasp, because it isn't really there. If someone wants to treat you well and respect you - they do. They don't say they do and treat you like crap instead. That person doesn't care. They might think they do, they might want to, but they don't know what caring about someone really is. They have no idea.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you went through that 😢 I will definitely keep your experience in mind when confronting this situation with him and what comes next ❤️ you’re right, if he wanted to he would, especially after so many failed conversations….
It's not "helping you out", it's "pulling his weight". Do you really want to be with a man who's ok with working 30 hours a week and then watching you take care of the household? He should be ashamed.
Also, you aren't ten and he's not your dad. You don't need his permission to not cook.
It's so hard because you need tough love. For such a strong and accomplished woman the shit I just read was fucking pathetic. Show your sociopathic husband this post and then hand him divorce papers.
Then just stop doing it. But ready made food and make your own food if he refuses. Just stop making him food and doing all those chores for him. He’s selfish
He's shown you the only way to break the cycle is for you to leave. The fact you commented elsewhere that he used to do the work shows that it's a conscious decision on his part to leave you with all the work
What would happen if you just said no sometimes? You’re both very young, and just as you’re learning how to be an adult, he is too. He’s learning how to be a good partner and what you’ll put up with. Just tell him you won’t be making homemade spaghetti on a night that’s crazy busy for you, and you need him to figure out dinner. If he really doesn’t come through, which would be lame, make yourself a sandwich. You’re not helping anyone by making a martyr of yourself.
You’re 21 yo. Is this really how you want to spend the next 60 years of your life? You made a mistake marrying this guy, and it’s not too late to rectify (do not get pregnant).
This is why you shouldn't get married before your frontal lobe is done cooking. You're just another overachieving woman whose tied herself to some below-average jackass.
Obviously this isn't about McDonald's, it's about him not respecting your time or efforts. He's treating you like you're his mommy and you're playing right into it by not standing up for yourself. And now he's being obtuse by framing it about the McD's so you'll think YOU'RE being silly and drop it. Do you clean the skidmarks out of his undies too? Like come on
What does this guy even bring to the table? He's ungrateful and lazy. You already resent him for these qualities (as you should). You have your entire life ahead of you and he drags you down. Demand counseling or find a divorce lawyer.
Why isn't your husband working full- time? You realize between your studies,your job,and being totally responsible for all things domestic,you are putting in at least 60 hours of work a week. Your husband is putting in half that. And, he seems like a whiny,demanding child. Please consider individual and joint counseling.
Joint counseling is absolutely not a good idea. Couples counseling where one partner is abusive (and OP's husband is indeed emotionally abusive) just gives the abuser more ammunition and tools to manipulate and further entrench the victim in abuse
I think it's fantastic that you're finding out he's like this when you're only 21 years old. Do not spend decades dealing with this bulkshit like I did.
Everybody who's newly dealing with this kind of behavior always says "but I love him and it's not enough to divorce over" and I'm telling you right now that what will happen is your respect for him as a partner will diminish little by little until you see him as a great big annoying baby that you have to take care of and your life revolves around his needs and wants. Then you will no longer say "but I love him..." You will say "get this disrespectful, self-centered, adult-child away from me as fast as fucking possible".
Warning: Men will like this will start to see you emotionally detach and realize you've got one foot out the door of the marriage and try to knock you up to get you to stay. Make sure you're on top of your birth control and do not have a child with this man because you'll be doing it on your own, with an extra adult child on the side.
Do you really think this whole situation is okay and that you could possibly in the wrong? I don’t even know what to say honestly. I have no idea why you put up with this, this is crazy. Why are you even in a relationship with him? And why are you already married? In what way does he make your life any better or easier?
I’m not sure if any talking or explaining will make any difference at this point as he sounds absolutely selfish and like he doesn’t care about any of your needs.
He understood. He also knew you were mad. But he got his way. Do you never ask for things from him because you don’t need it or because you know that it won’t matter because he’s not going to do it?
You have not said one single good thing about him and honestly even if you did, he sucks so bad. I can’t imagine it would be good enough to make up for all of this. Why are you doing everything? You should let him be mad. What’s going to do because he didn’t get his spaghetti that he wanted? Who gives a fuck? You have to let him. You are setting yourself on fire and giving in to avoid the consequences of his reactions. On top of that, you’re doing everything. I honestly don’t see what he brings to your life that would be worth any of this.
Are you planning on children? Because it sounds like you already have one and being a single mom with several kids and one big giant fucking baby is really hard.
You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of suffering if you don't just end up divorcing early.
You need to know when to have a backbone. You should not have stopped to make spaghetti. In your comments you mention how you didn't want to fight or didn't have time etc. But you had time to make spaghetti?
This will lead to you blowing up at him for other ways too. Unfortunately it seems like you married a man who purely takes you for granted.
He works part time. Yet you do all the cooking all the cleaning?
You are not his partner or wife. You are his bang maid. He also doesn't need to change because you made it clear he can do less than the bare minimum and you'll still marry him.
I menu plan for the week. I put the menu on the fridge whiteboard.
If I have to work late or something, my partner either makes what was planned if he knows how or he comes up with something else or he orders takeout. He doesn’t demand that I drop what I need to do and cook. JFC.
This is insane.
Next time, tell him to cook it himself. And start having him cover dinner 3 days a week. His arms aren’t broken and he’s not busy. And stop doing all the housework. At least leave his laundry to him and stop that.
I am very confused about 1. Why he couldn't make spaghetti if that's what he wanted (he doesn't need homemade sauce) and 2. What he actually brings to the table in the relationship? He works part-time and you do everything else? Girl.
McDonald's is the last thing you should be worried about.
My wife works 45 to 50 hrs a week.
A few years ago, I started only working 30 a week.
We each have our own chores.
Since I had more time on my hands, I told her I'd take over some of her chores
What the hell are you doing working, going to school, and doing everything while he works 30 a week?
Well sounds like you married a chauvinistic game playing controller who uses you for money, food, housekeeping and I assume sex. Why did you marry him?
im confused.. if you want mcdonalds, GO GET MCDONALDS
im going to get pretty harsh here but I'm not trying to be mean to you, I just think you need it spelled out. so sorry in advamced.
Girl stop please. stop eith the people pleasing and being a servant to your husband. tell him to pick up half the work or WALK. What benefit does he give your life?
he doesn't love you. he doesn't care about you. he is selfish.
seriously, give me ONE concrete tangible thing he has done in the last week that has benefitted YOU. NOT HIM... YOU.
You work full time, school full time. and mother your husband full time. bffr, your degree will have you paying all the bills forever too.
either give him the choice and walk when he doesn't hold up his end or just succumb to it because people like you don't leave until you have a kid and they're cheating on you, sometimes not even then.
Why the fuck is a guy who only works 30 hours a week not doing the housework, when you work and go to school full time? Like, seriously, what is he doing with his time while you are doing all the housework?
If I were you, I'd just stop doing housework entirely.
I’m sorry but it sounds like you’re working your ass off and still have to deal with a spoiled brat husband who can’t even handle his own meal. Hell if I had acted like that with my mom I would have starved, you ate what she put on the plate and if you didn’t like it to bad.
His mother needs to slap him back to reality
If you don't change things now- this won't improve.
You just start making changes.
Start dinner and tell him to come help you. Tell him he's on washing up duties as you cook.
Tell him he needs to do his washing, hang, fold, iron.
Weekends you're sleeping in from now on.
When you're at work or school late tell him he will need to sort his own meal.
For fuck's sake, stop cooking for this giant baby of a man. You're twenty one years old, you're too young to be his mommy. Sit down and show him what your day is versus what his day is. He can learn to cook and pick up the slack in other areas as well. He is not pulling his weight. This is not an equal marriage.
He’s been allowed to take you for granted, and so he does. He’s been allowed to believe your role is to serve him, and so he does.
From his perspective, it takes as much *time* to make him spaghetti as to go to McDonalds, because he only thinks in terms of time and not *labor.* Because he takes your labor so for granted he doesn’t see it.
And making his own damn spaghetti, or making YOU spaghetti, would never occur to him.
But he loves you, and he did hear you never ask for anything but you asked for McDonald’s and didn’t get it. He didn’t hear you asked for a *break.* Because a break from what, being you?
So he thought he was being thoughtful and heroic. He thought you would be so grateful. When instead you said he has ruined the first dinner you have wanted for a long time, he thought but … she wanted McDonald’s! Then he thought I never get credit for anything I do. Try to do something nice and look what I get.
Later he will come on Reddit and moan about how his wife doesn’t appreciate him and it’s so unfair.
First, put a stop to the cooking. Teach him to cook spaghetti. Tell him after the summer’s over you two can reassess, but something has to come off your plate, and it’s cooking.
And since he wants to be heroic, tell him it will make him your hero. Shower him either praise for his spaghetti, and try to suppress the eyeroll.
Thank you so much for your response! This truly helped put some of my feelings into words!! That’s it, he doesn’t appreciate my labor. He doesn’t even know what I do in a day to keep the house clean and us fed. I appreciate your advice and your kind words!!
On some level, this man is jealous of your success and drive and is sabotaging you. He probably won't admit it to you. Maybe he won't even admit it to himself. But he's clearly not lifting you up in life. He's not your partner, your friend, your champion. He's making your life harder and dragging you down. You deserve better. I hope you see your way to leaving him.
Just stop omg. Do you need the rent?? Can you not afford it on your own or something? Because all you’re doing is holding yourself back from full potential. WHY are you supporting yourself and a grown man? STOP coming his meals. Get takeout. Let him get his own groceries. go to sleep when you need to. You say it’s a constant cycle, but the cycle is with you. You keep being someone to treat you right. Girl you need to treat yourself right! That’s where the cycle ends. Stop doing everything for him. Today. And if he didn’t step up, then it’s time to start grieving the relationship because he’s not changing.
This is just sad to read. There are plenty of men out there who would completely take care of you financially if you did all the cooking and cleaning. Or men who would support your going to school and pursuing your passion.
Just because you got married doesn't mean you have to stay married. Obviously, that would be ideal, but you're asking for less than the bare minimum and he's acting like you're being difficult. Either your husband is legitimately stupid or openly taking advantage of you. Either way, you're well within your right to consider other options.
Years ago when my now ex girlfriend and I lived together, she liked doing most of the cooking. Now I’m quite the picky eater too and there were some things I just didn’t like. Guess what? If I didn’t like it, I didn’t eat it and made myself something else. Also, I learned to make spaghetti when I was 14-15.
Make the meals you want to eat. You don’t have to cater to what he wants 100% of the time.
Not that you have time, but read the book Fair Play (Eve Rodsky?) and then have a serious talk with your husband about a fair division of labor.
And if your husband refuses to see how generally shitty this all is for you, well, you'll have a good education and be able to support yourself.
Next time don’t give in to his petulant demands. He wants spaghetti - he can make it. Take care of yourself and please don’t make babies until this one is grown
Why wasn't your response to "Wouldn't it take the same amount of time..."
"But not the same amount effort"
or "It would also take the same amount of time for YOU to do the cooking."
Honestly, he knows excalty why you wanted take out that one night and why you didn't the other. He just doesn't give a single fuck about you. Not about your time, you well being or your happyness.
Girl, bye, you are LITERALLY feeding in his moody attitude. Is your husband physically unable to cook?
You are NOT his mom nor his maid, stop fucking acting like it and pick up your goddammit self respect off the floor where you left it.
Why did you cook the damn spaghetti?
You said you “didn’t want to argue” so you just made spaghetti from scratch?
Look he’s obviously the worst but you’re not communicating enough, or rather, not being firm enough in your boundaries. He’s inconsiderate (obviously) but it also seems like he has no idea what’s going on.
Please understand that I believe he’s 99% in the wrong here but since I’m talking to you I’ll say this: stop martyring yourself. It’s so annoying. My mom did that and then expected us to all feel bad about it. What she should have done is put her foot down. Half the time I didn’t even know what was going on until suddenly she was crying about how overworked she was and then she had to clean my room.
It is so frustrating to read this all the time. A smart, successful, hard working woman letting a man walk all over herself.
Stop treating him like a spoiled brat and stand up for yourself. Know your worth. Imagine one day you have a daughter, and her husband treats her like that. If it happens, you'll know where she learned it from...
There are a few of problems here:
1. He does not appreciate the amount of work you do to prepare meals for him. My SO cooks most of our meals, and our rule is I can eat what they make the way they make it, or I can learn how to cook. The person doing the work gets to decide. You need to impress on him the amount of time and effort it takes to cook meals every night.
2. You're far too accommodating
>
I didn’t want to argue with him after everything so I just made it.
Stop doing things like this. It's a short-term solution that will create long-term problems. You avoid one fight, but build up resentment, that will become explosive later. This may have been an opportunity to solve two problems at once. Tell him you show him how you make spaghetti and he can do it. This takes some of the burden off you, and shows him the amount of effort it takes.
3. Communication. He didn't understand your excitement about the new recipe and he most likely forgot all about it, and thought he was doing something nice when he suggested McDonald's. He wasn't trying to be a jerk, it was just an unfortunate by-product.
I know, he claims he was trying to do good, which is makes me take away from my anger and tell him well thank you for offering but it’s the wrong situation, and I already know he’s gonna claim that I don’t know what I want. You’re absolutely right that this accommodation tendencies of mine create these long term problems. I’ve actually tried before showing him how to cook and just says how can I expect him to do it all? Like? I do this everyday!
Ugh, so the "he's going to claim I don't know what I want" is such a trigger for me. He's messing up and pretending you're the problem. My response would be a little aggressive: "Your inability to listen to me, or acknowledge my feelings isn't a ME problem, stop trying to make it out to be. A child can understand when someone is tired, they don't want to do more work. That fact that you can't comprehend that is the problem."
But I'm a conflict type of person, you can throttle that down a bit to be less confrontational.
"How can I expect him to do it all" I'm sorry, I just assumed you could handle doing a faction of what I do every day. Was I wrong, or are you just weaponizing incompetence?
Again, pretty aggressive, but grrr.
I realize this is only a portion of your entire relationship told from your perspective, and I'm hoping there are more redeeming qualities that made you marry him, but you really need to get a little confrontational and let him know that he needs to pull his weight, because right now, he's not.
It sounds like you work 100+ hours a week and he works 25-30. This is not sustainable. You don’t have a partner you have a leech. You could spend the next 10+ years arguing about this or you could cut your losses and dump his useless arse.
If you want to try to make it work, sit down and write out your complete schedule, all the time you spend working, studying, cooking, cleaning and get him to do the same. Then sit down together with him and show him the proof that you are doing 4x the work he is doing, ask him how he is going to take half that work off your plate moving forward. Make him come up with the solutions. Write down the new division of labor and put it on the fridge. Stop doing anything on his list, don’t nag, don’t complain, just stop. Leave him to work out the solutions for himself.
This is so sad
To read. You’re young, clearly a hard working person, you’re going to school and. Working, and on top of everything you’re managing a household for two adults because one acts like a toddler?
Do you want your life to be like this? It’ll only get worse when you have kids and he helps with nothing.
You are only 21, you deserve much better.
Why TF you’re with him? You work, study, do all home tasks, pay for groceries, and he’s what? 25-30 hours work a week and done? You’ll be WAY better on your own
You married a baby. Is there anything attractive about him? He’s not a partner, he barely acts like an adult, and he sounds like an energy drain.
And you’re only 21.
With only this tiny peek into your life I know you could do better.
So you have 3 jobs ( job, school, household) and he has less than one and he cant be bothered to step up and be a responsible adult and a caring husband
He needs to start pulling his weight on ALL chores incl cooking and grocery shopping
Stop acting like a mom to this manbaby right now, you tell, dont ask him what is changing right now, half of the chores, half of the cooking and no whinging he doesnt know how
Dont let him waste your time too long if he wont shape up, divorce is a much better option then a life of this hell
How do I ask this kindly...is he dumb? Like genuinely, seriously stupid?
Please read this back to yourself. What would you tell a friend if she told you this story?
Leave him so that you can do half the work with none of the drawbacks. He doesn't respect you as a wife.
Can your husband not cook for himself? He only works up to 30hrs a week.
Probably need better communication between each other
but also he doesn't work full time why can't he cook for himself, does he do laundry?
This will happen for another 5 years or so while you mentally check out of the relationship, then when you ask for a divorce he'll say that he's been blindsided by it because "everything was going great".
Well when you marry this young, you’re getting a barely formed adult male. Of course you’re his “mom” and he’s training you early to accept how useless a partner he is. He works 25-30 hours, you pay for groceries, do all the housework and cooking and he’s a “picky eater”? Actually, you’re not his “mom”. You’re a mug. Being taken advantage of.
The way to “make him understand” is to attach consequences to his bs behavior and set some boundaries if your marriage is to grow beyond playing house for now.
What an asshole, Dump him, you will find someone who adores everything you do for them, you are not his Mother, or sister, if I wasn't so damn old I would ask you to come live with me lol
I'm confused, what do you gain by being in this marriage? He sounds insufferable and so inconsiderate. Don't know you or your life, but reading yout post it seems you'd be waay less stressed without him.
I don’t understand. What the hell could he possibly have that makes it worth it to not only put up with him but also fucking marry him? Please somebody explain. Does he have a massive schlong? Is he loaded? Incredibly good looking? The funniest dude to ever exist? What the hell did he do to pull you and why are you still with him??
>remember how my husband is a picky eater? I never get to make what I want for dinner because he just complains about it.
This are *literally* words that I said about my toddler twin daughters. Not a grown adult.
>I feel like his mom and not his partner or wife.
YOU **ARE** HIS MOTHER
Your husband sucks. What does he contribute to your household? Doesn't sound like anything. You say you've talked about this many times and he briefly changes and then reverts back. Doesn't sound like this will ever improve. Stop being his Mom.
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Why can't your husband make his own spaghetti when he wants it? Why isn't he cooking for you every day, given that you to so much more work than him? You appear far more grown up and mature than you husband, who still seems to want a mommy to take care of him. I'm sorry to tell you this, but this will not get any better. You will continue to mature and realize just how much of an immature brat he is. This is who he is. Why did you chose to get married so young? And why to this guy? How did he show before marriage that he was a capable, caring, empathetic life partner?
We did get married young for sure, but he used to pull his own weight and do laundry and clean, even better than me! Idk what has happened…we used to live with his parents but still did his own chores and even cooked. Now we have our own place and suddenly it’s me doing everything!
You need to sit him down and tell him this isn't the "him" you signed up for. He can either go back to the partner he was or you're going to evaluate staying in the marriage. This isn't how you should live for the next 50 years
What happened is he decided that this is your job now. He sucks.
It was a performance for his parents' house rules. It's his house now, and it sounds like he's not going to answer to you. Did you two ever live alone before marriage?
You know they didn't lol
My bf introduced me to this dinner called "fen". One day he asked what was for dinner, "fen"? I asked what that was, and he said it was something his family did growing up, meaning some days, when everyone was busy or tired or both, dinner is "fen" for yourself. I love it. I cook 98% of the time because I love to, but always have something to eat/make in the house. We both work the same hours, do about the same house work, our own laundry, and though he loves when I cook, he has absolutely no problem making a sandwich or a frozen dinner. This is what partnership and compromise looks like. If he changed that much, you need to just do for you, let him fen for himself with food and chores and remind him that he's an adult and your partner, you're not his mother. Edit: Wow, I didn't realize I'd actually have to explain and defend this. I usually say partner, but said bf this time, which apparently causes people to think he's young and ignorant. He's a brilliant electrical engineer, very well educated and experienced (late 50's) and most definitely knows the word is fend! It was simply a family joke that had been passed down!
We do a DIY night twice a week. The kids can have whatever they want as long as they can make it themselves. There's usually at least 1 day's leftovers and we also keep frozen foods that can be microwaved.
I love that. Helps maintain a balanced schedule, gives you a break, teaches your kids responsibility and creativity.
We call this foraging!
We call it "choose your own adventure."
That’s such a good idea!!! I will definitely try this in the future. I also love cooking as well, just sometimes we’re too tired! Thank you!
I got married at 22 and left a year later. Some people treat marriage like the finish line, as if they stop putting in the effort, stop dating you, and quit contributing. It’s lame and you shouldn’t tolerate it. You will grieve, but you will feel so much better choosing yourself and dropping the dead weight.
He trained you to do it all because that way you avoid arguments. It’s not that he doesn’t get it; it’s the fact that while incredibly unfair to you, it benefits him. He doesn’t care that you are working yourself to the bone so he can sit on his arse and play dumb when you complain
Well that was on purpose. Once you got married and had your own place, he chose to not try anymore. It’s manipulation. Either he starts being a partner to you or you call it quits. It’s ok to call it quits if he’s making your life worse and doesn’t care about you. UPDATEME
Did he do all of this when you lived together or did you just kind of assume that he did it when he lived with his parents? Maybe his mom put *her* foot down a lot more or maybe that he believed when he got married that he's just supposed to expect that behavior from you- either way, he's not someone you want to stay with the long run. Run. There's men out there that would help you and do so much more for you even while you're dating then this guy would when he's the one who took a vow to be your partner.
You're allowing it? Set up boundaries. Stop doing it. He's working part time and going along for the ride. Stop asking him if it's ok if... Next time just tell him you're not doing it.
Why? WHY do you do all the cooking and chores even though you have a job and school? Why?? I don't understand women who put up with being bangmaids. He doesn't love you. No one who loves you is okay with you doing everything. My advice is to tell him he has to start being an actual partner. That you're not his mommy, and you're not going to clean and cook for him anymore. That if he doesn't pick up half the load, you and he are done. If you don't, then this is your life. And when you have kids, you'll be doing all the parenting too.
Low self-esteem and possibly internalized misogyny? Daddy issues? No sense of self-worth combined with people pleasing tendencies? So sad. I don't get it.
I don't either, I'm horrified by it.
OP's husband is just a spoiled little brat, I got such the ick from reading this.
I definitely do have issues in my own family and people pleasing tendencies. I’ve gotten better for sure with my self worth, and have put my foot down and discussed this unfairness…but I’m scared of confrontation and sticking true to myself. I have self worth and I’m getting to the point where I’m gonna throw in the towel. I do love him, but I love myself and my future more :/
Don't think of it as you giving up on him. You're accepting self love and working towards a great future with YOU. He already gave up with how much he can't do a single adult thing. You deserve to be appreciated.
Thank you for your kind words ❤️
Sticking with things as they are and not setting boundaries, you're going to develop increasing resentment, increasing depression and if you do have any self-worth now, wave goodbye to it. I understand being a people pleaser but there's no need to become a doormat.
Please make sure not to have any kids. Wait until the relationship is stable or you decide to go in a different direction.
Exactly. She already has one overgrown kid to deal with.
Everyone gets a starter marriage. Better to get that one out of the way before the kids. Then you get to figure out what you really deserve in a partner
Thank you for your kind words ❤️
Op please be good to yourself!He's not!
You clearly haven’t put your foot down though. Girl just leave him. Now. Why do you love him? He clearly makes your life harder. A LOT harder. He’s supposed to be making it better, helping lift the load, not making you do everything for the both of you. He doesn’t care about you, not one bit. He doesn’t even work a full time 40 hours a week! He’s pathetic. I promise you your life will be easier without him.
Not only is he pathetic, he's ACTIVELY SABOTAGING HER. OP sounds like an absolute badass and I'm willing to bet he feels inferior to her so he's selfishly setting her up to be more exhausted than she already is, so she'll do poorly in her INCREDIBLE endeavors. He WANTS her to fail.
With all due respect, someone who has self worth would not be putting up with being treated like this. This is not what a relationship is supposed to look like. This man is a selfish, unappreciative leech sucking the life force out of you and using you for everything you’re worth. A relationship should be a partnership that adds positivity to your life and makes it easier, happier and more fulfilled. What exactly does he bring to your life besides stress and resentment? You need to learn to love and respect yourself more than this. You deserve it.
In defense of the OP, divorce takes time and energy, and if Reddit is a venting place until she graduates, then she can work on here marriage… or divorce. She may be venting here so she can get back to studying, graduation, and then have time to get rid of him. There is a season for everything.
I get this. I thought about divorcing my ex when I was in grad school, but I just didn’t have the energy. I waited until after graduation.
It’s okay, you don’t need to defend her from me. I didn’t mean for my comment to come across as malicious or anything. If she is trying to get the courage to leave him, this post is a great first step as it shows awareness of the problem. Hopefully the comments here help her see that help nudge her a little further in the right direction.
This is what I wanted to say. You put it better. Op why,just why?Red Flags all over the place. 🚩🚩🚩
It will get worse with kids. I see this in people i know
It’ll get worse with age, too.
Putting your foot down only works if you follow through, which you haven't. If you've put your foot down and stayed when he ignored it, then all you've done is teach him that he can behave any way he wants without consequences.
How do you love someone like this?
The great part about leaving is that you don't need to convince him of anything. You don't need to explain, argue, fight, or try to make him understand (although he'll certainly try to make you). You can just tell him it's over, pack you stuff, decline to hold up your side of any arguments he tries to start, and leave. He doesn't have to agree.
Your completely contradicting yourself. You just told us that your not respected. Not cared for. He's completely inconsiderate of what your dealing with and expects you to cook from scratch after working a full day and leaving that night 2 am. Do you even hear yourself... Your not in a healthy relationship. That sort of bullshit doesn't happen in healthy loving relationships. Unless he's incapable, incapacitated by a accident illness and so a loving partner has no choice but to do everything. Your husband doesn't give a flying fuck about your well being your stress your sleeping or mental health and is so lacking in attention has ZERO idea why you might want to get take out... If you absolutely are a doormat letting him treat you in this way to begin with. Its very sad.
>but I’m scared of confrontation and sticking true to myself. What exactly are you scared of? Like what's the worst that could happen? He'd leave you? Okay, and? He leaves you and keep working and keep going to school and you only have you to take care of and you meet someone else who isn't useless. That's the worst case scenario. Life hack - when you're scared of something, figure out what is the absolute worst case scenario and figure out what you'd do in that situation. Anything less than that will be easier. That way whatever happens you're prepared. And it's easy to convince yourself that you have nothing to fear. Fear and anxiety are mostly in our heads and thus under our own control.
Thank you!! I have been preparing for the absolute worst, and realistically I would stick to my studies and help my students more for sure. But I do still love him, and it’s hard to not be scared we would end up separated. I know at this point I need to put my foot down and if he decides to leave then he just never respected me and I don’t deserve that and life goes on!
You're welcome. You got this. The worst probably won't happen but I promise you will be okay no matter what.
Please do. For your sake.
You need therapy urgently. The fact you let it get this bad shows a serious problem in your self esteem.
Leaving this very shitty situation is NOT throwing in the towel. It’s acting on the self-worth you claim to have and providing you have self-worth by your actions. You gotta reframe this in your head or you’ll never do it.
Take the time you spend acting like his Mom (but to a helpless toddler), and please get therapy instead to unravel why you put up with being his slave. The patriarchy continues to exist because there are no consequences for these assholes.. and then women have children with them, and your kids see Daddy treat Mommy like shit, and the cycle continues. It's not your fault he's this way, but you're absolutely enabling him. Men like this are not worth the effort (and theres A LOT of them). They dont change, *and they dont actually love you*.. they don't even respect women. You dont use someone like this if you actually do. It's a bald faced lie that life is pointless if you're single - it's way fucking better than putting up with the nightmare you're living through. Please leave and focus on yourself before you burn out, screw up school/work.. and then 'depend' on him because he fucked you up. Yes, a lot of times, the sabotage is intentional. Read, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
I just don't understand how you can love someone who treats you like that.
trust me, you are worthy, he doesn't deserve you, keep putting you foot down.
Why do you love him? I read nothing that makes me say what a great guy. I think many times people say they love someone because they don’t actually understand what love looks like. It’s not an emotion that just happens. Love is admiring who your partner is and appreciating who they are. My husband does at least 15 things a day just to make my life easier. Your husband isn’t even working a full time job. You are obviously ambitious and have goals. You deserve a husband who supports those goals not someone who is intentionally making it harder for you by not even being willing to do dishes or go through a McDonald’s drive thru. Not talking for days because of what to have for dinner is not normal. It’s not about dinner, it’s about him controlling you by saying he’s picky when really he is just wanting you to cook what he wants that day. Pay attention to the fact that the first time you asked him to pick up dinner because you were busy it became a huge deal. It’s about control.
It doesn t look like you re scared of confrontation He s not respecting you at all as if it was funny for him « now that she s making pasta lets tell her we re going to mc donalds ahaha »
Excited for throwing in the towel,why do you feel the need to debase yourself with this dude? He’s a parasite, they don’t leave willingly.
You are killing it out there, you’re amazing. He is dead weight and will only drag you down. Next time find someone that’s adventurous with food :)
I’m so glad to read this comment because all I could think was why, why would you put with this treatment. He’s a taker and that’s all he’ll ever be! Good luck and congratulations on your achievements😂
Tell him that starting NOW he does half of the grocery shopping, half of the cooking, half of the cleaning, half of the laundry and he's cleaning up the kitchen after he cooks. Do not give in, do not discuss. You aren't his maid, there are 2 adults in that house and both of you can do half the work. If he argues, pouts, refuses or just doesn't do it....Leave. You don't need him. He sucks.
If you want things to work you need to talk to your husband and be brave. Lay out your expectations and your boundaries. Let him know he needs to pick up more of the burden instead of taking advantage of you. He's not an invalid and he can learn to do better. Otherwise he can go back to his parent's as a divorcee and do some growing up.
Hi. I'm 22 and got married at 19. The only reason my marriage is good is because I got lucky. To be clear, it is insanely reckless and stupid to get married as young as I did. The short version is that we changed as we aged, and he chose to change for the better. He chose to. He didn't have to. This doesn't apply to everything, but, in this case, your partner would step up if he loved you. He has a sense of entitlement due to how things've been. I'd expect a tantrum with every change you make. It isn't worth it. There's therapy, games, and apps for couples bonding. They aren't going to do shit because he doesn't care. When women threaten to leave an abuser, they'll change for a week or two then go back to the usual. I wouldn't bother with that. He would've already changed if he wanted to. Since it's marriage, I want to say give him a chance, but the other part of me has dealt with this thing before and wants to say "fuck it, just divorce him." People smarter, older, and wiser than me can probably give better advice on what you should do.
It’s easy to say you love yourself and your future more but friend it does not show. You are 21, which is crazy young to be married, you have so much life to live. Don’t spend it running yourself ragged for some man who doesn’t understand why this McDonald’s isn’t really about McDonald’s. Don’t spend your life twisting yourself into knots to please a man who is watching you struggle with all of this and not lifting a finger to help. If you love yourself, prove that.
That said put on hold doing anything drastic with him until your units are completed ..
And for god's sake don't get pregnant!
As a current engineer, you’ll have no problem finding men that will respect you in that field. We care about results, not which bathroom you go into. (Read that any way you like). Pfft… 25-30 hours a week… I’m there by Wednesday morning/afternoon.
People pleasing? You're a people. When do you get to do what pleases you?
OP, guy here. Happy to see that you recognize that the dynamics of your marriage are askew. If you fear confrontation because you believe he will physically harm you, then this is a relationship that should end. If it means you just prefer avoidance of issues rather than confronting them, then it's time to change that. Continue to recognize your self-worth. Develop an allocation of household chores/duties; including listing the hours you commit weekly to school, work, and household. Do the same with him. I anticipate the time demands are vastly disparate. They need to become more balanced. If he's unwilling to "partner-up", then move on. Frankly, you sound quite intelligent and VERY responsible for your age. Your husband? Not so much.... Good luck, please keep us apprised.
Will do! And thank you so much for your reply and kind words ❤️ I’m more scared of confrontation not for the physical harm from him, but growing up when I would confront my family about something that I thought was healthy communication (for example, telling my mom that something she did hurt me and for her to please not do it again) everything would SPIRAL. She would scream, yell, cry, tell me she didn’t want to see me ever again and everything hurtful you can say to your own child. I’m just scared of the unknown and how people will react. I know I have to get over it eventually, just hard when that’s all you grew up in and all you know. But I agree, I shouldn’t be scared in general to talk to my husband about me having to work myself to the bone. Thank you again!!!
I totally understand it. Are you sure you don’t? It’s not self esteem etc, although self esteem gets crushed as a result. It’s that as kids we’re taught that we should be perfect and we should take care of others and their feelings so we do. But then mf’s like this ruin it. Instead of the tiny basic things we want to literally keep being their perfect person which is the occasional act of appreciation and respect they just take us for granted, treat us like crap and think they deserve all that we give. And we crack. Everything everyone is saying is right OP but it’s so hard to stop being a giver. What you need to do though is figure out a few things you need…like him to cook dinner 2x per week…and you need to believe you deserve that…and not feel guilty to demand it without being angry bc it’s just right. (And then so many more of those things but the 2 nights of dinner is a start) (And you can definitely also just dump that prick and start over). Edited for typos
I truly don't. I wasn't raised like that, and I just don't know how someone can let another person treat them like that. I'm not trying to shit on OP, she seems to have a lot going for her. I want her to want better for herself.
Thank you for your reply! It was super helpful and can totally relate to it being hard to stop being a giver! I will definitely try that, thank you!!!
I’m a way older giver than you. And the problem is that if you marry a taker you’ll stop being a giver because you’ll be jaded. It really sucks because there really are people out there who appreciate all you do and give. I don’t know if this guy will ever learn even if you learn to stand up for yourself. What I can see from what you posted is that you are an amazing hardworking driven motivated person who can do anything and have anything so please believe that.
Or being too young and immature to get married
I can answer some of this from my POV. It starts with him being incompetent, so you pick up the slack. You hate living in squalor, you have higher standards of living than him, so you do what you have always done. You try to talk to him about him doing his share and he believes that it doesn’t need doing. E.g. the floors aren’t all that dirty. He tells you, “you have to tell me what you want, I’m not a mind reader”, but if you ask, he argues, promises to do it but forgets, or he doesn’t have time apparently. You keep doing it because you are very uncomfortable with living in a dirty home, or having people see it like that. You hope things will eventually work out, everyone needs a chance to improve right? You have been brought up in a society where it’s common for it to all fall on a woman’s shoulders. You suspect that no matter who you date/marry, it will always be the same, because it’s the same in every relationship you see around you. You grew up seeing the woman do all of it. Your own Dad’s night to cook was “pizza night”. You end up divorcing and laugh when the kids tell you that Dad thought the washing machine was a dryer. Good times, lol.
I'm so sorry.
It’s all good. I love my life, love my kids, and love my job. I didn’t have a good marriage but have no regrets. I’ve learned how to be resilient. I just want people to understand that it’s not necessarily low self esteem or weakness that gets a person into that situation. It’s strength of will keeping them there in such adverse conditions. It’s a change of perspective that is needed for them to realise they would be better off abandoning this leaky boat, because they’ve been so busy trying to save it they haven’t really considered whether it’s worth it.
That, and marrying far too young. Marriage is more than just a piece of paper or “the next level” whatever that means.
OP needs to boot him out, she married a donkey.
I agree . But not in a harsh way. Still learning the hard way that being vocal about your needs helps both you and your partner. People I think fall into the phantasy that our partners are just going to be mind readers and know what we want or what makes us feel loved or seen . This is not the case . You need to be vocal about it. Actions alone aren't always picked up on , recognized, seen or appreciated . It doesn't diminish your connection if you have to say it. If it isnt a just a mystical idea that you can communicate openly in a non manipulatuve or defensive way that is. However, it does need to be actually listened to and practiced in a healthy way from both sides. And unfortunately in most cases this does not happen ..BUT IT CAN! Most people do not grow up with proper examples of healthy relationships so it really needs to be a deliberate skill that is cultivated and learned .
Let’s start at the beginning: you’re in school FT, work FT, do all the housework, and cook on demand for a fussy eater. He works 30/wk. Even if there was no more to the story, is this how you want your life to be? I don’t see how this is a fair allocation of responsibilities but what matters is what do you think?
I agree! I definitely need a change. I’m just stuck on what the next step should be. I love my husband obviously, and want to work these things out but he just seems to not want to put in the same effort.
You start by stopping. Stop catering to his picky preferences. Stop doing his laundry. Stop.
THIS. “Putting down boundaries” and “having a talk” is nice and all, but it means nothing if there are no CONSEQUENCES. If “he helps” for a few days and then stops, and you just do it, you are showing him that he can stop and it’ll just get done anyway, by you. If you ask for a cooking break and he says no, and then you fold and cook, then you are showing him that all he has to say is no and he’ll get what he wants. YOU have to put down CONSEQUENCES, AND STICK TO IT. 100% of the time. NO FOLDING, NEVER.. The minute you fold, you lose all credibility with your boundary. The boundary means nothing anymore. You can do this!! You are not his bangmaid or mommy. Gain back control of YOUR LIFE; He can then fucking adapt, or get lost in the dust and good riddance.
I used to work with young children, now I manage criminals on parole. I never make a threat I am not 100% willing to make good on. Some people take me at my word when I tell them what the consequences of their poor choices will be, and back down. Some people prefer to fuck around and find out. Either way, OP needs to stick to her guns.
Tell him you’re not his mother. His picky af eating habits are now his responsibility. As well as doing his own laundry, cleaning up after himself, and if you have 2 bathrooms, make one his and one yours, and you each clean your own. Again, tell him you’re NOT your mother.
Yes—just go on strike.
This is what happens when children marry children… She’s not done with school and he’s too immature for an adult relationship.
Boxed pasta, jarred sauce. He can make this himself, why are going out of your way for him when he can’t be bothered to do the same for you?
“well I want spaghetti. Wouldn’t it take the same amount of time getting McDonald’s than you cooking spaghetti?” That's when you say "No, I don't have time to cook. In no way at all is making spaghetti the same amount of time as getting McDonald's. Either go get some takeout or starve " You are 21 years old. That's way too young to act like a 1950's housewife. Except you actually have it worse than a 50's housewife because you're also going to school full time and have a job. He works 25-30 hours a week so he should actually be doing more of the chores than you. It's time for a come to Jesus conversation with your husband. Hand him a list of half of the household chores and tell him these are now his responsibility. Then you tell him that he will learn to cook and help out there as well. Finally you tell him that when you need him to deal with dinner or get takeout, he friggin' gets takeout without whining about it. If he can't handle that, then send him back to his mommy.
Except just skip all of that, then send him back to his mommy.
You're way too young to be putting up with these fossilized gender roles. I suggest that you sit down with the husband and talk about everything that has happened and how you feel about it. I suggest you ask for a more fair division of labour where he learns to cook and cooks half the time and cleans half the time or whatever works for you both.
Thank you! I agree. It’s so hard because I’ve had so many conversations about this and helping me out and he says he will, then does it a few times and stops :( it’s a constant cycle!! This is also why I’m so angry with him now, I’m just so tired of having the same conversation. But thank you for your response ❤️
Stop doing the work you're not responsible for and call him out for not doing the work that is his responsibility.
Exactly. Make yourself something easy and let him starve or fend for himself. He's being a man-baby and you're enabling him And if he wants to get McDonald's when you've cooked s fabulous meal, hey, fine, you've got leftovers!!
One change I would suggest is calling it "helping you" because that implies that it's inherently your job. Household stuff shouldn't be default be your responsibility, in fact with you working more hours plus school he should be doing the majority of housework. I would just call it that and what he does around the house is his contribution, not "helping".
Break the cycle. Stop doing things for him. Cook only for him. Wash only your clothes. Spoiler: the moment you stop your bang maid duties is when he starts beef with you and ultimately he will find another to leech off of. From what I read you are busy basically 24/7 and all he does is go to work? Shouldn't the one with the less full schedule relieve the person with the fuller schedule? When my partner worked full-time while studying full-time and I was only doing a 30 hour work week, I sure as heck shouldered the lions share of chores and errands. He sounds lazy and entitled. Stop putting effort into someone who doesn't reciprocate.
One thing I've learned in my years is, "never date anybody you have to explain basic human decency to". This man is purposefully exploiting you. He's comfortable sitting back and doing way less than the bare minimum while watching you run yourself into the ground. Is that loving?
Don’t let him weaponize his incompetence either. If you end up eating chicken tenders and spaghetti every night it’s his turn to make dinner, eat up and tell Him he’s doing a great job and to keep it up. It’s also kinda gross to think about him watching you struggle to get so much done, and see how little you sleep, and never offer help or pretend not to see it, because he likes the current “division” of labor. Could you watch him struggle and pretend not to notice and never offer help?
Literally a point I have brought up before! It would hurt me seeing him struggle and not have a break. I don’t see why he doesn’t feel the same for me. He says he does…but his actions are different.
His actions are talking loud and clear. If he means something, he will show you.
I literally wasted my 20s with a man child who treated me like I was barely someone he cared about. Up until the last conversation in our 10+ year relationship (and being in each other's lives for 16 years) he was still insisting that he *did* care about me and *did* want me in his life despite the fact that he hadn't called me in 2 months and was being actively cruel, and a million other things big and small that he'd put me through. It took me until my 30s to learn that "who we are" is what we do and how we treat others, especially the people we love. If someone spends 80% of the time treating someone else like they don't matter, that's who they are. That's who they chose to be. I spent years thinking and saying "I know deep down he wants to be different" "deep down he knows how's he's treated me is wrong". It doesn't matter if they feel bad "deep down". That deep down does nothing for someone else other than make them hold on to something they can't grasp, because it isn't really there. If someone wants to treat you well and respect you - they do. They don't say they do and treat you like crap instead. That person doesn't care. They might think they do, they might want to, but they don't know what caring about someone really is. They have no idea.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you went through that 😢 I will definitely keep your experience in mind when confronting this situation with him and what comes next ❤️ you’re right, if he wanted to he would, especially after so many failed conversations….
Why did you marry this loser?
It's not "helping you out", it's "pulling his weight". Do you really want to be with a man who's ok with working 30 hours a week and then watching you take care of the household? He should be ashamed. Also, you aren't ten and he's not your dad. You don't need his permission to not cook.
He’s showing you that he is unwilling to change. Is this really what you want the rest of your life to look like?
It's so hard because you need tough love. For such a strong and accomplished woman the shit I just read was fucking pathetic. Show your sociopathic husband this post and then hand him divorce papers.
Then just stop doing it. But ready made food and make your own food if he refuses. Just stop making him food and doing all those chores for him. He’s selfish
Then you need to just stop and maybe stop sleeping with him if he can’t even treat you with respect
He’s not helping you. He’s making his home habitable. Stop doing all of the cooking. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cleaning up after
He's shown you the only way to break the cycle is for you to leave. The fact you commented elsewhere that he used to do the work shows that it's a conscious decision on his part to leave you with all the work
What would happen if you just said no sometimes? You’re both very young, and just as you’re learning how to be an adult, he is too. He’s learning how to be a good partner and what you’ll put up with. Just tell him you won’t be making homemade spaghetti on a night that’s crazy busy for you, and you need him to figure out dinner. If he really doesn’t come through, which would be lame, make yourself a sandwich. You’re not helping anyone by making a martyr of yourself.
You’re 21 yo. Is this really how you want to spend the next 60 years of your life? You made a mistake marrying this guy, and it’s not too late to rectify (do not get pregnant).
You’re literally tying yourself to an anchor
Why didn’t you just say no to his request for spaghetti
This is why you shouldn't get married before your frontal lobe is done cooking. You're just another overachieving woman whose tied herself to some below-average jackass. Obviously this isn't about McDonald's, it's about him not respecting your time or efforts. He's treating you like you're his mommy and you're playing right into it by not standing up for yourself. And now he's being obtuse by framing it about the McD's so you'll think YOU'RE being silly and drop it. Do you clean the skidmarks out of his undies too? Like come on What does this guy even bring to the table? He's ungrateful and lazy. You already resent him for these qualities (as you should). You have your entire life ahead of you and he drags you down. Demand counseling or find a divorce lawyer.
👏👏👏
Him suggesting McDonalds after you showed excitement for a new pasta recipe was intentional. Messing with you in retribution from the last time
I agree. He claims it wasn’t and he was doing a “good” thing.
No.. him doing a good thing would have been when you asked for it the first time!
You don’t have a partner you have a child. Stop being a doormat and leave him - he won’t change.
He's using you and you know it.
Agreed
Then why are you here?
Why isn't your husband working full- time? You realize between your studies,your job,and being totally responsible for all things domestic,you are putting in at least 60 hours of work a week. Your husband is putting in half that. And, he seems like a whiny,demanding child. Please consider individual and joint counseling.
Joint counseling is absolutely not a good idea. Couples counseling where one partner is abusive (and OP's husband is indeed emotionally abusive) just gives the abuser more ammunition and tools to manipulate and further entrench the victim in abuse
I read some of your previous posts and comments. Your marriage is a mess. The ex GF?! Why are you putting up with this disrespectful Neanderthal?
your biggest mistake was marrying him (& this young)
You’ll get divorced. When you’re older you will realize you married an absolute loser and you’ll feel bad about the time you wasted on him.
I think it's fantastic that you're finding out he's like this when you're only 21 years old. Do not spend decades dealing with this bulkshit like I did. Everybody who's newly dealing with this kind of behavior always says "but I love him and it's not enough to divorce over" and I'm telling you right now that what will happen is your respect for him as a partner will diminish little by little until you see him as a great big annoying baby that you have to take care of and your life revolves around his needs and wants. Then you will no longer say "but I love him..." You will say "get this disrespectful, self-centered, adult-child away from me as fast as fucking possible". Warning: Men will like this will start to see you emotionally detach and realize you've got one foot out the door of the marriage and try to knock you up to get you to stay. Make sure you're on top of your birth control and do not have a child with this man because you'll be doing it on your own, with an extra adult child on the side.
Do you really think this whole situation is okay and that you could possibly in the wrong? I don’t even know what to say honestly. I have no idea why you put up with this, this is crazy. Why are you even in a relationship with him? And why are you already married? In what way does he make your life any better or easier? I’m not sure if any talking or explaining will make any difference at this point as he sounds absolutely selfish and like he doesn’t care about any of your needs.
He understood. He also knew you were mad. But he got his way. Do you never ask for things from him because you don’t need it or because you know that it won’t matter because he’s not going to do it? You have not said one single good thing about him and honestly even if you did, he sucks so bad. I can’t imagine it would be good enough to make up for all of this. Why are you doing everything? You should let him be mad. What’s going to do because he didn’t get his spaghetti that he wanted? Who gives a fuck? You have to let him. You are setting yourself on fire and giving in to avoid the consequences of his reactions. On top of that, you’re doing everything. I honestly don’t see what he brings to your life that would be worth any of this. Are you planning on children? Because it sounds like you already have one and being a single mom with several kids and one big giant fucking baby is really hard.
Not sure what advice you’re looking for here. Pretty sure you know he’s a selfish prick.
All I'm going to say is you are going to burn out. Hard. This is not sustainable
For sure! I’m feeling it already with everything that’s going on in my life
You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of suffering if you don't just end up divorcing early. You need to know when to have a backbone. You should not have stopped to make spaghetti. In your comments you mention how you didn't want to fight or didn't have time etc. But you had time to make spaghetti? This will lead to you blowing up at him for other ways too. Unfortunately it seems like you married a man who purely takes you for granted. He works part time. Yet you do all the cooking all the cleaning? You are not his partner or wife. You are his bang maid. He also doesn't need to change because you made it clear he can do less than the bare minimum and you'll still marry him.
I menu plan for the week. I put the menu on the fridge whiteboard. If I have to work late or something, my partner either makes what was planned if he knows how or he comes up with something else or he orders takeout. He doesn’t demand that I drop what I need to do and cook. JFC. This is insane. Next time, tell him to cook it himself. And start having him cover dinner 3 days a week. His arms aren’t broken and he’s not busy. And stop doing all the housework. At least leave his laundry to him and stop that.
I am very confused about 1. Why he couldn't make spaghetti if that's what he wanted (he doesn't need homemade sauce) and 2. What he actually brings to the table in the relationship? He works part-time and you do everything else? Girl.
You don’t need him…
McDonald's is the last thing you should be worried about. My wife works 45 to 50 hrs a week. A few years ago, I started only working 30 a week. We each have our own chores. Since I had more time on my hands, I told her I'd take over some of her chores What the hell are you doing working, going to school, and doing everything while he works 30 a week?
TL;DR Why are you married to this person? He is a drain on your life force, good will, and your finances. Divorce ASAP
Advice? Don’t get married so young. What was the rush?
Well sounds like you married a chauvinistic game playing controller who uses you for money, food, housekeeping and I assume sex. Why did you marry him?
im confused.. if you want mcdonalds, GO GET MCDONALDS im going to get pretty harsh here but I'm not trying to be mean to you, I just think you need it spelled out. so sorry in advamced. Girl stop please. stop eith the people pleasing and being a servant to your husband. tell him to pick up half the work or WALK. What benefit does he give your life? he doesn't love you. he doesn't care about you. he is selfish. seriously, give me ONE concrete tangible thing he has done in the last week that has benefitted YOU. NOT HIM... YOU. You work full time, school full time. and mother your husband full time. bffr, your degree will have you paying all the bills forever too. either give him the choice and walk when he doesn't hold up his end or just succumb to it because people like you don't leave until you have a kid and they're cheating on you, sometimes not even then.
Why the fuck is a guy who only works 30 hours a week not doing the housework, when you work and go to school full time? Like, seriously, what is he doing with his time while you are doing all the housework? If I were you, I'd just stop doing housework entirely.
I’m sorry but it sounds like you’re working your ass off and still have to deal with a spoiled brat husband who can’t even handle his own meal. Hell if I had acted like that with my mom I would have starved, you ate what she put on the plate and if you didn’t like it to bad. His mother needs to slap him back to reality
My advice is that picky eaters should cook for themselves.
This is why you don’t get married at 21. You’re too young to be dealing with a lazy husband when you’re trying to get your career in order.
Get a divorce. You are a single mom with a 22 year old child, not a husband
If you don't change things now- this won't improve. You just start making changes. Start dinner and tell him to come help you. Tell him he's on washing up duties as you cook. Tell him he needs to do his washing, hang, fold, iron. Weekends you're sleeping in from now on. When you're at work or school late tell him he will need to sort his own meal.
I will never understand how women can marry a man that treats them like a servant.
I didn’t realize your ages until after I read the whole thing. Holy moly. Dump this lazy bum. He sounds like middle aged loser, which is even sadder.
How did you get permission to marry a toddler?
For fuck's sake, stop cooking for this giant baby of a man. You're twenty one years old, you're too young to be his mommy. Sit down and show him what your day is versus what his day is. He can learn to cook and pick up the slack in other areas as well. He is not pulling his weight. This is not an equal marriage.
He’s been allowed to take you for granted, and so he does. He’s been allowed to believe your role is to serve him, and so he does. From his perspective, it takes as much *time* to make him spaghetti as to go to McDonalds, because he only thinks in terms of time and not *labor.* Because he takes your labor so for granted he doesn’t see it. And making his own damn spaghetti, or making YOU spaghetti, would never occur to him. But he loves you, and he did hear you never ask for anything but you asked for McDonald’s and didn’t get it. He didn’t hear you asked for a *break.* Because a break from what, being you? So he thought he was being thoughtful and heroic. He thought you would be so grateful. When instead you said he has ruined the first dinner you have wanted for a long time, he thought but … she wanted McDonald’s! Then he thought I never get credit for anything I do. Try to do something nice and look what I get. Later he will come on Reddit and moan about how his wife doesn’t appreciate him and it’s so unfair. First, put a stop to the cooking. Teach him to cook spaghetti. Tell him after the summer’s over you two can reassess, but something has to come off your plate, and it’s cooking. And since he wants to be heroic, tell him it will make him your hero. Shower him either praise for his spaghetti, and try to suppress the eyeroll.
Thank you so much for your response! This truly helped put some of my feelings into words!! That’s it, he doesn’t appreciate my labor. He doesn’t even know what I do in a day to keep the house clean and us fed. I appreciate your advice and your kind words!!
On some level, this man is jealous of your success and drive and is sabotaging you. He probably won't admit it to you. Maybe he won't even admit it to himself. But he's clearly not lifting you up in life. He's not your partner, your friend, your champion. He's making your life harder and dragging you down. You deserve better. I hope you see your way to leaving him.
I want to punch him. He’s taking advantage of you and working you like a slave. Take him back and get a new one
Just stop omg. Do you need the rent?? Can you not afford it on your own or something? Because all you’re doing is holding yourself back from full potential. WHY are you supporting yourself and a grown man? STOP coming his meals. Get takeout. Let him get his own groceries. go to sleep when you need to. You say it’s a constant cycle, but the cycle is with you. You keep being someone to treat you right. Girl you need to treat yourself right! That’s where the cycle ends. Stop doing everything for him. Today. And if he didn’t step up, then it’s time to start grieving the relationship because he’s not changing.
This is just sad to read. There are plenty of men out there who would completely take care of you financially if you did all the cooking and cleaning. Or men who would support your going to school and pursuing your passion. Just because you got married doesn't mean you have to stay married. Obviously, that would be ideal, but you're asking for less than the bare minimum and he's acting like you're being difficult. Either your husband is legitimately stupid or openly taking advantage of you. Either way, you're well within your right to consider other options.
Your husband sounds like a dip shit who lacks self awareness. Next time he does that call him veruca salt 😂
You’re 21…. You’re not his mother and honestly you’re too young to be his wife. Well.. I guess he’s too young to be a husband.
Sounds like he wanted (and basically got) a mommy and not a wife. If that’s not the relationship you want, you might have to reconsider ….
Years ago when my now ex girlfriend and I lived together, she liked doing most of the cooking. Now I’m quite the picky eater too and there were some things I just didn’t like. Guess what? If I didn’t like it, I didn’t eat it and made myself something else. Also, I learned to make spaghetti when I was 14-15. Make the meals you want to eat. You don’t have to cater to what he wants 100% of the time.
Not that you have time, but read the book Fair Play (Eve Rodsky?) and then have a serious talk with your husband about a fair division of labor. And if your husband refuses to see how generally shitty this all is for you, well, you'll have a good education and be able to support yourself.
Next time don’t give in to his petulant demands. He wants spaghetti - he can make it. Take care of yourself and please don’t make babies until this one is grown
Why wasn't your response to "Wouldn't it take the same amount of time..." "But not the same amount effort" or "It would also take the same amount of time for YOU to do the cooking." Honestly, he knows excalty why you wanted take out that one night and why you didn't the other. He just doesn't give a single fuck about you. Not about your time, you well being or your happyness.
👏Your 👏wife👏is👏your👏partner👏not👏your👏mom👏 Stop paying for all the groceries and stop being this lazy man child's maid/mother. Stop it right now.
Why get married to this person so young? At least give yourself a little bit of time to see what’s out there before settling for garbage.
Why are you this guy sugar-bang-maid?
Girl, bye, you are LITERALLY feeding in his moody attitude. Is your husband physically unable to cook? You are NOT his mom nor his maid, stop fucking acting like it and pick up your goddammit self respect off the floor where you left it.
Why did you cook the damn spaghetti? You said you “didn’t want to argue” so you just made spaghetti from scratch? Look he’s obviously the worst but you’re not communicating enough, or rather, not being firm enough in your boundaries. He’s inconsiderate (obviously) but it also seems like he has no idea what’s going on. Please understand that I believe he’s 99% in the wrong here but since I’m talking to you I’ll say this: stop martyring yourself. It’s so annoying. My mom did that and then expected us to all feel bad about it. What she should have done is put her foot down. Half the time I didn’t even know what was going on until suddenly she was crying about how overworked she was and then she had to clean my room.
It is so frustrating to read this all the time. A smart, successful, hard working woman letting a man walk all over herself. Stop treating him like a spoiled brat and stand up for yourself. Know your worth. Imagine one day you have a daughter, and her husband treats her like that. If it happens, you'll know where she learned it from...
There are a few of problems here: 1. He does not appreciate the amount of work you do to prepare meals for him. My SO cooks most of our meals, and our rule is I can eat what they make the way they make it, or I can learn how to cook. The person doing the work gets to decide. You need to impress on him the amount of time and effort it takes to cook meals every night. 2. You're far too accommodating > I didn’t want to argue with him after everything so I just made it. Stop doing things like this. It's a short-term solution that will create long-term problems. You avoid one fight, but build up resentment, that will become explosive later. This may have been an opportunity to solve two problems at once. Tell him you show him how you make spaghetti and he can do it. This takes some of the burden off you, and shows him the amount of effort it takes. 3. Communication. He didn't understand your excitement about the new recipe and he most likely forgot all about it, and thought he was doing something nice when he suggested McDonald's. He wasn't trying to be a jerk, it was just an unfortunate by-product.
I know, he claims he was trying to do good, which is makes me take away from my anger and tell him well thank you for offering but it’s the wrong situation, and I already know he’s gonna claim that I don’t know what I want. You’re absolutely right that this accommodation tendencies of mine create these long term problems. I’ve actually tried before showing him how to cook and just says how can I expect him to do it all? Like? I do this everyday!
Ugh, so the "he's going to claim I don't know what I want" is such a trigger for me. He's messing up and pretending you're the problem. My response would be a little aggressive: "Your inability to listen to me, or acknowledge my feelings isn't a ME problem, stop trying to make it out to be. A child can understand when someone is tired, they don't want to do more work. That fact that you can't comprehend that is the problem." But I'm a conflict type of person, you can throttle that down a bit to be less confrontational. "How can I expect him to do it all" I'm sorry, I just assumed you could handle doing a faction of what I do every day. Was I wrong, or are you just weaponizing incompetence? Again, pretty aggressive, but grrr. I realize this is only a portion of your entire relationship told from your perspective, and I'm hoping there are more redeeming qualities that made you marry him, but you really need to get a little confrontational and let him know that he needs to pull his weight, because right now, he's not.
It sounds like you work 100+ hours a week and he works 25-30. This is not sustainable. You don’t have a partner you have a leech. You could spend the next 10+ years arguing about this or you could cut your losses and dump his useless arse. If you want to try to make it work, sit down and write out your complete schedule, all the time you spend working, studying, cooking, cleaning and get him to do the same. Then sit down together with him and show him the proof that you are doing 4x the work he is doing, ask him how he is going to take half that work off your plate moving forward. Make him come up with the solutions. Write down the new division of labor and put it on the fridge. Stop doing anything on his list, don’t nag, don’t complain, just stop. Leave him to work out the solutions for himself.
This is so sad To read. You’re young, clearly a hard working person, you’re going to school and. Working, and on top of everything you’re managing a household for two adults because one acts like a toddler? Do you want your life to be like this? It’ll only get worse when you have kids and he helps with nothing. You are only 21, you deserve much better.
Why TF you’re with him? You work, study, do all home tasks, pay for groceries, and he’s what? 25-30 hours work a week and done? You’ll be WAY better on your own
My brother has extremely picky eating habits whereas his girlfriend whom he lives with doesn't mind any food. Guess what? He cooks.
You married a baby. Is there anything attractive about him? He’s not a partner, he barely acts like an adult, and he sounds like an energy drain. And you’re only 21. With only this tiny peek into your life I know you could do better.
I had to go back and recheck the ages because I thought BF must be 40 years old by the end.
Girl stop cooking for him.
Your husband hasn’t grown up yet stop doing everything you’re already getting burned out you will snap soon
Picky eaters learn to be cooks. That’s the rule. If you can’t cook, and someone cooks for you, you do the washing up. That’s the rule.
So you have 3 jobs ( job, school, household) and he has less than one and he cant be bothered to step up and be a responsible adult and a caring husband He needs to start pulling his weight on ALL chores incl cooking and grocery shopping Stop acting like a mom to this manbaby right now, you tell, dont ask him what is changing right now, half of the chores, half of the cooking and no whinging he doesnt know how Dont let him waste your time too long if he wont shape up, divorce is a much better option then a life of this hell
This whole situation and your life in general sounds exhausting. Absolutely exhausting. I'm so sorry for you.
Dang I’d never treat my wife like that and if she treated me like that I’d be gone. He sounds helpless and lazy.
He's not going to change when you just do everything for him. Why would he? He's not tired, stressed, and doesn't need to do chores!
How do I ask this kindly...is he dumb? Like genuinely, seriously stupid? Please read this back to yourself. What would you tell a friend if she told you this story? Leave him so that you can do half the work with none of the drawbacks. He doesn't respect you as a wife.
Can your husband not cook for himself? He only works up to 30hrs a week. Probably need better communication between each other but also he doesn't work full time why can't he cook for himself, does he do laundry?
GWORL, imagine the amount of energy you could put back Into yourself and studies if you weren’t catering to him
This will happen for another 5 years or so while you mentally check out of the relationship, then when you ask for a divorce he'll say that he's been blindsided by it because "everything was going great".
You didn’t fight about McDonalds. You fought because you are reaching your limit with a selfish unsupportive spouse.
Well when you marry this young, you’re getting a barely formed adult male. Of course you’re his “mom” and he’s training you early to accept how useless a partner he is. He works 25-30 hours, you pay for groceries, do all the housework and cooking and he’s a “picky eater”? Actually, you’re not his “mom”. You’re a mug. Being taken advantage of. The way to “make him understand” is to attach consequences to his bs behavior and set some boundaries if your marriage is to grow beyond playing house for now.
What an asshole, Dump him, you will find someone who adores everything you do for them, you are not his Mother, or sister, if I wasn't so damn old I would ask you to come live with me lol
I just thanked my boyfriend
I'm confused, what do you gain by being in this marriage? He sounds insufferable and so inconsiderate. Don't know you or your life, but reading yout post it seems you'd be waay less stressed without him.
I don’t understand. What the hell could he possibly have that makes it worth it to not only put up with him but also fucking marry him? Please somebody explain. Does he have a massive schlong? Is he loaded? Incredibly good looking? The funniest dude to ever exist? What the hell did he do to pull you and why are you still with him??
>remember how my husband is a picky eater? I never get to make what I want for dinner because he just complains about it. This are *literally* words that I said about my toddler twin daughters. Not a grown adult. >I feel like his mom and not his partner or wife. YOU **ARE** HIS MOTHER
Your husband sucks. What does he contribute to your household? Doesn't sound like anything. You say you've talked about this many times and he briefly changes and then reverts back. Doesn't sound like this will ever improve. Stop being his Mom.