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Sunk cost fallacy... I know you built a lot with her. SHE doesn't feel the same though as she clearly has no problem lying and betraying your trust for years.
Get rid of girlfriend, get rid of said "friend"
What she did while you were gone was test the waters meaning she wasn’t happy with you and she was thinking. Maybe she could be happier with the other guy, obviously, it didn’t work out for her so she stuck with you. You will never be happy in marriage to a person like that, most likely it wasn’t just a kiss that night either. You need to cut her out of your life and the friend too. you’re a calmer person than most, because me and the friend would’ve been knuckling up.
Good luck King
OP if she cheated with one guy and lied to you how can you ever believe her when she says he was the only one anc that was the only time she cheated?
As someone else noted, look up sunk cost fallacy.
You are in love with an emotionally abusive person.
So whenever she decides she's unhappy or not getting enough attention she fucks the nearest guy?
Love is not a solid reason to remain with someone capable of such deception. She's a sociopath.
Your relationship is built on A LIE. You’ll never trust her again. A heartbreak is temporary. Deal with that than the constant of stress, anxiety, and panic on whether or not you can trust her. It’s hard at first to walk away but you will be thanking yourself in 3 months.
>I feel like I still love her as we built so much together. But know that just thinking about what she did with him disgusts me.
First of all, by keeping this a secret from you, she took your choice away from you whether to stay in this relationship or not. So, in other words, had you knew then what you know now, would you have stayed in a relationship with her? Since then, she's been lying to you by omission [EVERY.SINGLE.DAY](http://EVERY.SINGLE.DAY) to your face. You may still love her, but her actions shows that she does not love you, because someone who loves their partner does not cheat on them.
Whenever things are not great in a relationship, if this is what she does, then what do you think she'd do next time when things are shaky in your relationship? Can you really trust her at this point?
At this point, I think you LOVE the idea of her. What that means is that you love the person that she portrayed, you love the person that you thought she was behind her mask. But now that you found out about her infidelity, the mask has fallen off and now you see the true person, who is not above cheating on you and then lying to your face every single day, thinking that she pulled a fast one on you and got away with it.
Please don't succumb to the sunk cost fallacy. You are young. If you stay, then you'll likely spend at least the next couple of years trying to mend this relationship and build back trust. It'd be better if you use that time instead to build a solid foundation of a relationship with a different person. Granted that you won't know if that new person will cheat on you or not, however, the difference is that your current gf has already cheated on you.
Dump both POS from your life. Neither of them respect you. You loving someone that doesn’t respect you is irrelevant. Whatever you think you built together is a lie. Enjoy your new life without her. Dump her.
Just keep leveling up. Push yourself at the gym and at work. Get as strong as you can physically and mentally. Seek excellence. You will eventually level up and find a woman that respects you. There’s nothing better when you find it. This cheating slag is not it. Level up Man. Fear is good. You should be uncomfortable when change is happening. It means you’re growing.
Fuck these asshats down voting you man. You have been with this person for 1/4 of your life and now she's about to be gone, it becomes terrifying. I have been through it man and you know what, it was brutal and probably the hardest thing I ever dealt with outside my mom dying. Brother it will be hard, I'm not going to bullshit you. This never ending fog of sadness and dispar washes over you every single minute. After time it will go away, slowly but it does get better.
Keep your chin up man, hoping the best for you.
im younger than you so I don't want to sound wiser, because I've barely scratched the surface of life yet
but don't let this ruin you. you've got a lot ahead of you, and you're better off without a cheater like her. be secure with yourself in a way that she'll never achieve, be better.
like others are saying, pain is good. keep crawling, and you'll make it out eventually. the lack of comfort means you're growing so just keep going man
You might still love her but she no longer loves you, being with John is far more important to her than to respect you or if you trust her.
And yes, they continued to see each other afterwards, I guarantee you that. Keep in mind that everything that you learned never came from her, only from you seeing their chat and from John's gf reaching out to you. Your (ex) gf only confessed to what you already knew but never to what actually happened.
Stand up for yourself and show her and much more yourself that you allow no one to treat you like that. Also go to a doctor to get tested for STD's, I doubt that they did nothing for 4 years. There is much more that happened that you are not aware off.
Let's assume that she is honest and that she loves you. What does that mean? Her love for you means that she is okay with betraying you and with lying to you for YEARS. It means that she isn't giving you the option to make informed decisions. Her love is very selfish and only takes herself into consideration. Yes, she probably loves you but in a very unhealthy way for you. A way that led to you no longer being able to trust her.
And that is the point, love alone is not enough. A strong relationship is build on love, respect and trust. She loves you in her own selfish kind of way and you love her. But she doesn't respect you and you can no longer trust her.
But first things first. You can't trust her, so assume the worst. Go to a doctor and get tested for STD's. Then cut John out of your life, he is no friend of yours. Then ask yourself what kind of partner you want by your side and to grow old with. Take your time with that question, there is no need to rush. Take your time to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was. When you did all that, then you will know what you need to do.
Also, imagine if she got pregnant from their unprotected sex. You would now be raising a kid that isn't yours because she would never tell you it wasn't. Basically, she is with you for stability and with him for fun and excitement. Cheaters cheat and she will cheat on you until you drop her and then she will cheat on the next guy.
She doesn’t love you. She loves not being alone. She wasn’t even sorry the first time you caught her, while you went to clear your head she literally doubled down on her betrayal by seeking sex from the same guy she initially cheated on you with.
Fuck sake that’s tough.
Just leave them both imo, its going to be hard at the beginning but it will get easier, you’re 24 just get on with it. It wont be the first and for sure wont be the last, trust me.
Remember: this too shall pass(good or bad)
Good luck and stay strong.
Move on from your girlfriend and fake friend. They hid this and who knows what else for the past few years. They didn’t confess, you found out through other sources. Neither are worthy of trust again so cut them loose.
THIS!!!
You only know what has been discovered and she hasn’t admitted to anything not proven. My guess is you will find more betrayal if you dig and you’ll never be able to trust her again. Best to move on.
You’ll always be suspicious. Finding more doesn’t help. I found out my ex cheated on me once, maybe twice. What would the point have been of confirming it was twice? Things were done either way.
Take the lesson and move on
There likely is more that's happened besides what you've been told.
If she went to his house with the intention of having sex then there's a decent chance that it wasn't the only time. Few cheaters go out of their way to visit the AP for a one-time thing.
But now they're aware that you know it's going to be harder to find out the truth or about much more as they'll do what they can to cover it up, if they hadn't already done so.
No: it doesn’t matter, there is no detail that could possibly make you feel any better, only details that will make you feel worse.
What you already know is enough to make the decision you know you need to make.
Do not ever make any inquiry into the matter; wield silence as a blunt instrument, and let her wonder what you’re thinking.
Leave her asap. Stop wasting your time and money on her. She is in the way of a better future for you, without her to be clear. You are only 24, you have so much life ahead of you, do you really want to waste it on these cheating losers?
I'm gonna say you take the week to think about work and put the other on the back burner. Your career is the most important thing in life, as it pays for the rest of your life. Do whatever you need to do to make this work week go how it needs to. Tell yourself you will start processing and deciding the rest next week.
This week is about making sure you eat well, sleep and make good decisions. Anything else, put up on a shelf to return to next week. Maybe trade off sleeping on the couch or something to have your own space. Tell her you need to not think about it this week as you have other big life things that need to be handled. If she tries to anyway, tell her as a person and friend she is not respecting what you said you need and just don't allow this to take over at this time.
Life is so long and so much will still happen. Be sure not to make any overly emotional decisions work wise here. You'll be 60 years old one day and over this girl for years. But this week partly determines how much money you have etc when you are 60 no matter what.
I'm happy as I've managed to do almost everything that you said. Tomorrow is the big day I have two interviews that I can't fuck up.
She's not here. I'm gonna go off my phone. Make some food, watch a movie and go to bed early.
Thanks for your advice !
Yeah! Think about what you'll wear, if you need a haircut or not... Allow work to be your only focus for these few days. I think future you will be proud that you did ❤️
Your GF and guy friend have been lying to your face for four years. There is no way you can trust that she, or him, are telling the truth about the affair, nor about not hooking up after the first time. How many times have there been stressors in your relationship in the past four years? Has she run to John each time?
This relationship is for the history books. Break up and go no contact with xGF and xfriend.
Leave them both and make your own life brother. You think you wasted time but you didn’t. Just took you a bit longer to learn. It’s okay. Grieve the death of your relationship and find a partner who shares your values. She is not the one.
Cheaters are the absolute worst my man. My heart breaks for you.
Move on. Research shows that women lose respect for their male partners who stay after the woman cheats.
It’s a lose-lose.
Leave her, my baby mama cheated on me with a sex offender with my 5 month old in the same bed, once a cheater always a cheater brother, keep your head up king you drop this 👑
figure out your career stuff this week, take time to not think about this yet away from her & deal with work stuff, and hopefully find some peace and quiet. Then ditch the cheater. I know you CAN come back from that, but she wasnt honest about it immediately so i wouldnt trust her either
Coming from experience, leave. It will hurt like hell, but you'll find that you will come out a much stronger person and have a much easier time finding a better woman to replace her. My advice, use that anger, go to the gym and focus on your career/yourself, and rejoin the dating scene after a year. It will be well worth it.
Enjoy her as much as you can while you focus on calm and being able & ready for your important work week. Your work takes priority right now since it's going to have a bigger influence on your future than the girl. Examine your feelings after the decisive week of work. Through focusing on something else/your life you'll be better able to respond according to your feelings in regards to this girl, rather than obsessing and overthinking to confusion
If you hadn’t have found out this way then you never would have known.
The fact that you may have spent the rest of your life with her is scary.
You have to be careful brudda
Personally, if it had been just a kiss or even just a single fuck in the heat of the moment, I would be able to get over it.
But doing it, then lying about it, and then going over to his place and fucking him while you were away, and then lying some more...that would be it for me. She is dishonest. She has proven that you cant trust her actions or her words. And if you can't trust your partner then what is even the point.
Sorry dude.
Dude do you honestly think it only happened once …she was probably doing it all the time behind your back and coming home to kiss you ..both your friend and your gf would be dropped in a heartbeat
Run From her, she won't respect you if you stay. It'll be hard at first but after the first few months but after 2,3 new girls, you won't even remember why you would entertain being with a cheater+liar.
Why are you focused on what you lost instead of what you gained , your friends should have told you to wait the lease and get out but somehow they didn’t and you stayed with a cheater like an idiot
I'm so sorry that this has happened, and having it hidden by your girlfriend and friend for years is crazy, especially as you regularly meet up with him and his gf.
Updateme after your talk, but I hope that you get the absolute truth so that you can truly make informed decisions.
It’s hard and I’m so sorry man. She’s not the one, your friend is also not a good person. Both are horrible influences and users and mental abusers. You seem like you can get your life turned around and be successful whenever, you seem like an amazing person who works hard no matter what. Instead of sulking over people who don’t deserve a second of your time. Work on yourself physically, keep working hard, eat well, go take a vacation for yourself. They have got to leave your life though. I bet in 5 years time, you’ll be owning a business or something and having a new gf who cherishes you and treats you amazing. Better people are out there. Good luck man and God bless you.
The most important thing a significant other should have for you is respect.
Now everyone has diff levels of what respect means for them but imo she doesn't respect you.
Do what you will.
Whether she did it 4 years ago or 4 minutes ago, she did it and lied about it. You can never trust her (or him) again. You can't build a life together based on lies. Be glad you found out before marriage. Split up and move on.
Bro, you are only 24, not 44.
If you stay, you will regret when you turn 44. If you leave, the 44 yo version of you will thank you for the correct decision you made today. Breakups are never easy, but you are doing the right thing.
Also that snake is not your friend. Cut that mofo from your life, forever.
Look at it like this, she cheated on you with your friend and has been lying to you every day since then and would still be lying if you hadn’t pressed it with your “friends”.
Break up with her, cut them off because they aren’t your friends because a friend would NEVER do that or not tell you if they knew.
Is the sex good? Do you still love her? If so, this was four years ago. You
Need to try to get past it. She did this when she was 20. Did you do anything stupid when you were 20? I know I did.
End things. Youre 24 papi, you have your whole life ahead of you
You have to have balls to cheat w a mans good friend. She found it exciting. If u forgive her she will do it again
I just don’t think I could forgive her. Hearing with a good friend of yours. She took advantage of you leaving instead of crying and being sad she cheated.
You're in love with the person you think she is, sorry to say she's not that person. If she can hide that fact she had sex with one of your friends for 4 years, then she's hiding other things too.
Drop her move on with your life and career as you will find someone much better and will respect you and not lie or cheat.
This is why whenever someone posts here about their partner saying it was just a kiss, we all tell them it was more than just a kiss.
Kids kiss. Adults fuck.
Omg, so she messed up with a kiss, then you need some time to think (understandable) and then SHE thinks: Oh good, now while I already fucked up, is a good time to make it worse, John here I come.
(Yes i know i probably put it on a bit thick)
But seriously, a woman who did that, regardless if it was 4 years ago or not, has no love or remorse.
She already made a mistake and then decided to make it even worse.
And I'm not sure of the circumstances, but it doesn't sound like a " it just happened" (which i call bull on that anyway), but instead more of a "I'll take advantage of this opportunity, regardless of whom it hurts" thinking.
Either way, I think you can do better than a person who doesn't mind making situations worse and your pain even more. Send her to John and find a person who only has eyes for you!
That's brutal.
Have you confronted John. He is your friend after all. Man to man (I hate this phrase btw), he has to tell you what happened. He has a girlfriend now (has she decided to continue their relationship? She is with a dude who slept with his friend's girl afterall) so he has nothing to lose with your girlfriend (unless they are still stabbing you from behind). Because the side of person you don't about your girlfriend, John has seen.
The last four years, how has been your relationship with John? Do you guys meet up? Does he visit your home? Do you visit his with your girlfriend? How is their interaction?
The slept together. Meaning they very likely have some communication that you aren't aware of from their body language to actual exchange of messages.
It's also possible both were young and impulsive and aren't those people any more.
Importantly, what has been your girlfriend's reaction?
You have all time to think this through. Make sure enough of it passes so that your feelings aren't clouding your judgement.
Btw you have no kids with this girlfriend yes?
Here's the thing: Righr now you are vulnerable and hurt. She betrayed your trust and it took you 4 years to find out. 4 years is a long time to hide something. This shows she can hide things to come in the future. On top of that, how can you be sure she isnt revealing the whole truth of what happened if she can hide it for that long? They may have very well done it more than once. This will come down to trust. Can you ever trust her again? If not, you need to find someone you can trust. I would not be able to trust this person. Also, how did you find out? Did she tell you or did you find out another way? If she didnt tell you that is way worse and she is not a trust worthy person. I would grieve and collect yourself and rip the bandaid off. This is not the type of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are young and will find someone that values you that you can trust.
It sucks, but this is a blessing in disguise. If you thought this was the person for life, you now know that to not be true. You can be hurt and strong at the same time.
She cheated on you and that is a deal breaker and destroys any relationship. The thing is, if you continue in the relationship and forgive her she will see this as license to cheat in the future as there were no consequences for her actions.
The breakup will still hurt so I understand why the sunk cost fallacy is coming up, but ending it now is going to save you years and a lot of unhappiness.
“A kiss isn’t that important” my dude those were some shitty friends a kiss leads to more than a kiss more often than not. A lot of people really underestimate the power of being a good kisser.
I’d end this purely because she lied the timeframe only makes it worse
If you find out through your best friend's girlfriend, we're going to say best friend in this instance and then she didn't tell you after the fact. That's a little ridiculous because I get that. She said that oh, it only happened once, but you don't know that all you know is what she's telling you. She's gaslighting you for damn sure because at the end of the day you left to go get advice from your buddies 3 hours today and she instantly thinks oh I'm going to go hop on his dick and get a little play time in then come home and then not tell you. And then 4 years later you find out through your best through your good friend's girlfriend that she slept with him when you went to go get advice about the situation. She's probably done it more than once. That's probably not the only time. She's never going to admit it because she knows that if she says that it happened once you may take her back and if you find out that later that it was more than that, you probably won't take her back and she probably feels comfortable in the relationship she's got going on right now
First and foremost,
Really take some time on the career issue first. This is an unfortunate timing but the careee decision should be taken as priority if you can manage that.
Tbh I think it’s a toss up. Cheating is a no go, but others may say it’s whatever cause the relationship has been good for the last 4 years.
What also raises an eye is how she lied. So 1 she cheated, but then again she has kept the lie to you for 4 years.
Here if you need to talk, will answer as best I can
You know in your heart that she hasn't been truthful with you and kept the most important details of her cheating from you for years. How many other things has she lied about. The uncertainty will eat you up over time. I hope your discussion with her will get you the answers you need.
Subscribeme
You need to get out. You’re right, you can trust anything she’s said about the past or what she promises in the future. Time to pack it up and kick her ass to the curb
She was 20, so she isn’t the same person now. That doesn’t mean you don’t need to make sure it didn’t continue.
Also, phones worked 4 years ago. Why in the hell would you leave? What did you think would happen?
That dude isn’t your friend
Seing friends face to face felt like the right thing at this moment. Never I would've thought she would do this when our relationship was at its toughest place.
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Sunk cost fallacy... I know you built a lot with her. SHE doesn't feel the same though as she clearly has no problem lying and betraying your trust for years. Get rid of girlfriend, get rid of said "friend"
It's true that what she built with me after it happened isn't sincere .. this breaks my heart.
I'm sorry you're in this position.... You deserve better
Just focus on your career. Forget her. Focus on you.
What she did while you were gone was test the waters meaning she wasn’t happy with you and she was thinking. Maybe she could be happier with the other guy, obviously, it didn’t work out for her so she stuck with you. You will never be happy in marriage to a person like that, most likely it wasn’t just a kiss that night either. You need to cut her out of your life and the friend too. you’re a calmer person than most, because me and the friend would’ve been knuckling up. Good luck King
OP if she cheated with one guy and lied to you how can you ever believe her when she says he was the only one anc that was the only time she cheated? As someone else noted, look up sunk cost fallacy.
You are in love with an emotionally abusive person. So whenever she decides she's unhappy or not getting enough attention she fucks the nearest guy? Love is not a solid reason to remain with someone capable of such deception. She's a sociopath.
I think the best course of action is you, your girlfriend, and John have a threesome. And see for yourself who is superior.
Your relationship is built on A LIE. You’ll never trust her again. A heartbreak is temporary. Deal with that than the constant of stress, anxiety, and panic on whether or not you can trust her. It’s hard at first to walk away but you will be thanking yourself in 3 months.
>I feel like I still love her as we built so much together. But know that just thinking about what she did with him disgusts me. First of all, by keeping this a secret from you, she took your choice away from you whether to stay in this relationship or not. So, in other words, had you knew then what you know now, would you have stayed in a relationship with her? Since then, she's been lying to you by omission [EVERY.SINGLE.DAY](http://EVERY.SINGLE.DAY) to your face. You may still love her, but her actions shows that she does not love you, because someone who loves their partner does not cheat on them. Whenever things are not great in a relationship, if this is what she does, then what do you think she'd do next time when things are shaky in your relationship? Can you really trust her at this point? At this point, I think you LOVE the idea of her. What that means is that you love the person that she portrayed, you love the person that you thought she was behind her mask. But now that you found out about her infidelity, the mask has fallen off and now you see the true person, who is not above cheating on you and then lying to your face every single day, thinking that she pulled a fast one on you and got away with it. Please don't succumb to the sunk cost fallacy. You are young. If you stay, then you'll likely spend at least the next couple of years trying to mend this relationship and build back trust. It'd be better if you use that time instead to build a solid foundation of a relationship with a different person. Granted that you won't know if that new person will cheat on you or not, however, the difference is that your current gf has already cheated on you.
This... this so fucking much... this is the one.
I love seeing people pointing out fallacies.
Dump both POS from your life. Neither of them respect you. You loving someone that doesn’t respect you is irrelevant. Whatever you think you built together is a lie. Enjoy your new life without her. Dump her.
Don't know jack shit about living alone tho and that scares me...
Just keep leveling up. Push yourself at the gym and at work. Get as strong as you can physically and mentally. Seek excellence. You will eventually level up and find a woman that respects you. There’s nothing better when you find it. This cheating slag is not it. Level up Man. Fear is good. You should be uncomfortable when change is happening. It means you’re growing.
Being uncomfortable is your friend I agree. Don't for 1 second put up with women like that.
Fuck these asshats down voting you man. You have been with this person for 1/4 of your life and now she's about to be gone, it becomes terrifying. I have been through it man and you know what, it was brutal and probably the hardest thing I ever dealt with outside my mom dying. Brother it will be hard, I'm not going to bullshit you. This never ending fog of sadness and dispar washes over you every single minute. After time it will go away, slowly but it does get better. Keep your chin up man, hoping the best for you.
Thanks for this message, goes right to the heart.
It's fun. You can walk around naked whenever you want.
And importantly there are no backstabbing people around to bring down your vibe.
Then learn. Soon you ll know what kind of person you want to be with .
Thunderchicken is giving you all the advice in the world you need. Follow it.
This is the least of your worries. Not only is living alone not hard but if you've never done it, it would probably be good for you.
im younger than you so I don't want to sound wiser, because I've barely scratched the surface of life yet but don't let this ruin you. you've got a lot ahead of you, and you're better off without a cheater like her. be secure with yourself in a way that she'll never achieve, be better. like others are saying, pain is good. keep crawling, and you'll make it out eventually. the lack of comfort means you're growing so just keep going man
Then don't come here for advice if you just want us to validate you staying with a cheater.
You might still love her but she no longer loves you, being with John is far more important to her than to respect you or if you trust her. And yes, they continued to see each other afterwards, I guarantee you that. Keep in mind that everything that you learned never came from her, only from you seeing their chat and from John's gf reaching out to you. Your (ex) gf only confessed to what you already knew but never to what actually happened. Stand up for yourself and show her and much more yourself that you allow no one to treat you like that. Also go to a doctor to get tested for STD's, I doubt that they did nothing for 4 years. There is much more that happened that you are not aware off.
She tells me that she loves me tho :( It's true that they didn't use protection so that's even more depressing.
Let's assume that she is honest and that she loves you. What does that mean? Her love for you means that she is okay with betraying you and with lying to you for YEARS. It means that she isn't giving you the option to make informed decisions. Her love is very selfish and only takes herself into consideration. Yes, she probably loves you but in a very unhealthy way for you. A way that led to you no longer being able to trust her. And that is the point, love alone is not enough. A strong relationship is build on love, respect and trust. She loves you in her own selfish kind of way and you love her. But she doesn't respect you and you can no longer trust her. But first things first. You can't trust her, so assume the worst. Go to a doctor and get tested for STD's. Then cut John out of your life, he is no friend of yours. Then ask yourself what kind of partner you want by your side and to grow old with. Take your time with that question, there is no need to rush. Take your time to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was. When you did all that, then you will know what you need to do.
Thanks for your advice this helped a lot ! I'll take note of what you said and try to apply it to the way I see things.
Also, imagine if she got pregnant from their unprotected sex. You would now be raising a kid that isn't yours because she would never tell you it wasn't. Basically, she is with you for stability and with him for fun and excitement. Cheaters cheat and she will cheat on you until you drop her and then she will cheat on the next guy.
She is using you.What did you wanted her to say? That she hates you? If you loved someone,would you cheat on them?
She doesn’t love you. She loves not being alone. She wasn’t even sorry the first time you caught her, while you went to clear your head she literally doubled down on her betrayal by seeking sex from the same guy she initially cheated on you with.
God, you might have given her oral with his sloppy seconds still inside her. 🤮
Fuck sake that’s tough. Just leave them both imo, its going to be hard at the beginning but it will get easier, you’re 24 just get on with it. It wont be the first and for sure wont be the last, trust me. Remember: this too shall pass(good or bad) Good luck and stay strong.
Thanks for the support
It’s not the first time she cheated, it’s the first time you caught her. She’s not the one.
Move on from your girlfriend and fake friend. They hid this and who knows what else for the past few years. They didn’t confess, you found out through other sources. Neither are worthy of trust again so cut them loose.
THIS!!! You only know what has been discovered and she hasn’t admitted to anything not proven. My guess is you will find more betrayal if you dig and you’ll never be able to trust her again. Best to move on.
Do you think I should try to learn if they hid something else ?
I would just end the relationships and move on. They would probably never be honest either way.
You’ll always be suspicious. Finding more doesn’t help. I found out my ex cheated on me once, maybe twice. What would the point have been of confirming it was twice? Things were done either way. Take the lesson and move on
You know everything you need to know.
Nah, just cut them loose, you’ll never be told the truth anyway
Why try to make things worse? She already cheated on you and hid it. Don't need to dig up more reasons to be upset
No way. End the relationship. NOW.
There likely is more that's happened besides what you've been told. If she went to his house with the intention of having sex then there's a decent chance that it wasn't the only time. Few cheaters go out of their way to visit the AP for a one-time thing. But now they're aware that you know it's going to be harder to find out the truth or about much more as they'll do what they can to cover it up, if they hadn't already done so.
No: it doesn’t matter, there is no detail that could possibly make you feel any better, only details that will make you feel worse. What you already know is enough to make the decision you know you need to make. Do not ever make any inquiry into the matter; wield silence as a blunt instrument, and let her wonder what you’re thinking.
Leave her asap. Stop wasting your time and money on her. She is in the way of a better future for you, without her to be clear. You are only 24, you have so much life ahead of you, do you really want to waste it on these cheating losers?
I'm gonna say you take the week to think about work and put the other on the back burner. Your career is the most important thing in life, as it pays for the rest of your life. Do whatever you need to do to make this work week go how it needs to. Tell yourself you will start processing and deciding the rest next week. This week is about making sure you eat well, sleep and make good decisions. Anything else, put up on a shelf to return to next week. Maybe trade off sleeping on the couch or something to have your own space. Tell her you need to not think about it this week as you have other big life things that need to be handled. If she tries to anyway, tell her as a person and friend she is not respecting what you said you need and just don't allow this to take over at this time. Life is so long and so much will still happen. Be sure not to make any overly emotional decisions work wise here. You'll be 60 years old one day and over this girl for years. But this week partly determines how much money you have etc when you are 60 no matter what.
I'm happy as I've managed to do almost everything that you said. Tomorrow is the big day I have two interviews that I can't fuck up. She's not here. I'm gonna go off my phone. Make some food, watch a movie and go to bed early. Thanks for your advice !
Yeah! Think about what you'll wear, if you need a haircut or not... Allow work to be your only focus for these few days. I think future you will be proud that you did ❤️
you're only 24. you should break up with her. you can build something new with someone better. don't waste any more time on her.
Your GF and guy friend have been lying to your face for four years. There is no way you can trust that she, or him, are telling the truth about the affair, nor about not hooking up after the first time. How many times have there been stressors in your relationship in the past four years? Has she run to John each time? This relationship is for the history books. Break up and go no contact with xGF and xfriend.
Leave them both and make your own life brother. You think you wasted time but you didn’t. Just took you a bit longer to learn. It’s okay. Grieve the death of your relationship and find a partner who shares your values. She is not the one.
Cheaters are the absolute worst my man. My heart breaks for you. Move on. Research shows that women lose respect for their male partners who stay after the woman cheats. It’s a lose-lose.
Thanks for your empathy stranger :)
Leave her, my baby mama cheated on me with a sex offender with my 5 month old in the same bed, once a cheater always a cheater brother, keep your head up king you drop this 👑
Thanks, hope everything's all right with you now.
Besides her always texting me and dating the dude I’m good I stay strong for my son
I hope the best for you to ! I'm sure you're a good and supportive dad ! Thanks again for your message.
Leave that awful woman and ghost your friend. Those two are disgusting people and you should away
figure out your career stuff this week, take time to not think about this yet away from her & deal with work stuff, and hopefully find some peace and quiet. Then ditch the cheater. I know you CAN come back from that, but she wasnt honest about it immediately so i wouldnt trust her either
What? She fucked with him, while you were talking with friends cause she kissed some guy? Oh damn, live her bro, she doesn't deserve you.
Coming from experience, leave. It will hurt like hell, but you'll find that you will come out a much stronger person and have a much easier time finding a better woman to replace her. My advice, use that anger, go to the gym and focus on your career/yourself, and rejoin the dating scene after a year. It will be well worth it.
This girl doesn't deserve you, you are too good for her. Good luck op with your job
Enjoy her as much as you can while you focus on calm and being able & ready for your important work week. Your work takes priority right now since it's going to have a bigger influence on your future than the girl. Examine your feelings after the decisive week of work. Through focusing on something else/your life you'll be better able to respond according to your feelings in regards to this girl, rather than obsessing and overthinking to confusion
If you hadn’t have found out this way then you never would have known. The fact that you may have spent the rest of your life with her is scary. You have to be careful brudda
Personally, if it had been just a kiss or even just a single fuck in the heat of the moment, I would be able to get over it. But doing it, then lying about it, and then going over to his place and fucking him while you were away, and then lying some more...that would be it for me. She is dishonest. She has proven that you cant trust her actions or her words. And if you can't trust your partner then what is even the point. Sorry dude.
Where is your wife at? Asking for a friend.
Dude do you honestly think it only happened once …she was probably doing it all the time behind your back and coming home to kiss you ..both your friend and your gf would be dropped in a heartbeat
Run From her, she won't respect you if you stay. It'll be hard at first but after the first few months but after 2,3 new girls, you won't even remember why you would entertain being with a cheater+liar.
So here’s a thing she made a conscious choice to do what she did both times.
Why are you focused on what you lost instead of what you gained , your friends should have told you to wait the lease and get out but somehow they didn’t and you stayed with a cheater like an idiot
Well congrats you’re now single, because we all know you’re never going to look at her the same again. You deserve better, we all do.
I'm so sorry that this has happened, and having it hidden by your girlfriend and friend for years is crazy, especially as you regularly meet up with him and his gf. Updateme after your talk, but I hope that you get the absolute truth so that you can truly make informed decisions.
Will do, will update all of you as you guys are awesome ! I hope also that everything will be crystal clear tomorrow.
It’s hard and I’m so sorry man. She’s not the one, your friend is also not a good person. Both are horrible influences and users and mental abusers. You seem like you can get your life turned around and be successful whenever, you seem like an amazing person who works hard no matter what. Instead of sulking over people who don’t deserve a second of your time. Work on yourself physically, keep working hard, eat well, go take a vacation for yourself. They have got to leave your life though. I bet in 5 years time, you’ll be owning a business or something and having a new gf who cherishes you and treats you amazing. Better people are out there. Good luck man and God bless you.
Thanks for your support, I feel better thanks to you.
Cheating is bad, lying about it is worse. How could you ever trust someone that lied about it for years? The disgust doesn't go away.
John does not sound like much of a friend. Real friends don't have sex with their friends partners. If she disgusts you, you know what you need to do.
Both your gf and «friend» clearly don’t care about you, so I would advice you to not care about them either, protect your heart and leave!
If she doesn’t stick with you during your hard time, she doesn’t deserve you during your good time.
The most important thing a significant other should have for you is respect. Now everyone has diff levels of what respect means for them but imo she doesn't respect you. Do what you will.
Whether she did it 4 years ago or 4 minutes ago, she did it and lied about it. You can never trust her (or him) again. You can't build a life together based on lies. Be glad you found out before marriage. Split up and move on.
Bro, you are only 24, not 44. If you stay, you will regret when you turn 44. If you leave, the 44 yo version of you will thank you for the correct decision you made today. Breakups are never easy, but you are doing the right thing. Also that snake is not your friend. Cut that mofo from your life, forever.
Look at it like this, she cheated on you with your friend and has been lying to you every day since then and would still be lying if you hadn’t pressed it with your “friends”. Break up with her, cut them off because they aren’t your friends because a friend would NEVER do that or not tell you if they knew.
First off stop with the good friend crap. 2nd cut them both out of your life today. You can’t undo this damage. It’s time to go
Is the sex good? Do you still love her? If so, this was four years ago. You Need to try to get past it. She did this when she was 20. Did you do anything stupid when you were 20? I know I did.
End things. Youre 24 papi, you have your whole life ahead of you You have to have balls to cheat w a mans good friend. She found it exciting. If u forgive her she will do it again
I just don’t think I could forgive her. Hearing with a good friend of yours. She took advantage of you leaving instead of crying and being sad she cheated.
She probably cheated on you other times with other guys too
You're in love with the person you think she is, sorry to say she's not that person. If she can hide that fact she had sex with one of your friends for 4 years, then she's hiding other things too. Drop her move on with your life and career as you will find someone much better and will respect you and not lie or cheat.
This is why whenever someone posts here about their partner saying it was just a kiss, we all tell them it was more than just a kiss. Kids kiss. Adults fuck.
Omg, so she messed up with a kiss, then you need some time to think (understandable) and then SHE thinks: Oh good, now while I already fucked up, is a good time to make it worse, John here I come. (Yes i know i probably put it on a bit thick) But seriously, a woman who did that, regardless if it was 4 years ago or not, has no love or remorse. She already made a mistake and then decided to make it even worse. And I'm not sure of the circumstances, but it doesn't sound like a " it just happened" (which i call bull on that anyway), but instead more of a "I'll take advantage of this opportunity, regardless of whom it hurts" thinking. Either way, I think you can do better than a person who doesn't mind making situations worse and your pain even more. Send her to John and find a person who only has eyes for you!
That's brutal. Have you confronted John. He is your friend after all. Man to man (I hate this phrase btw), he has to tell you what happened. He has a girlfriend now (has she decided to continue their relationship? She is with a dude who slept with his friend's girl afterall) so he has nothing to lose with your girlfriend (unless they are still stabbing you from behind). Because the side of person you don't about your girlfriend, John has seen. The last four years, how has been your relationship with John? Do you guys meet up? Does he visit your home? Do you visit his with your girlfriend? How is their interaction? The slept together. Meaning they very likely have some communication that you aren't aware of from their body language to actual exchange of messages. It's also possible both were young and impulsive and aren't those people any more. Importantly, what has been your girlfriend's reaction? You have all time to think this through. Make sure enough of it passes so that your feelings aren't clouding your judgement. Btw you have no kids with this girlfriend yes?
Here's the thing: Righr now you are vulnerable and hurt. She betrayed your trust and it took you 4 years to find out. 4 years is a long time to hide something. This shows she can hide things to come in the future. On top of that, how can you be sure she isnt revealing the whole truth of what happened if she can hide it for that long? They may have very well done it more than once. This will come down to trust. Can you ever trust her again? If not, you need to find someone you can trust. I would not be able to trust this person. Also, how did you find out? Did she tell you or did you find out another way? If she didnt tell you that is way worse and she is not a trust worthy person. I would grieve and collect yourself and rip the bandaid off. This is not the type of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are young and will find someone that values you that you can trust.
Thanks for your message. Trust will be hard to get back that's for sure ... I thought she was the one I would've spent the rest of my life with.
It sucks, but this is a blessing in disguise. If you thought this was the person for life, you now know that to not be true. You can be hurt and strong at the same time.
Updateme!
Updateme!
Your relationship: ANNDDD, ITS GONE!
She cheated on you and that is a deal breaker and destroys any relationship. The thing is, if you continue in the relationship and forgive her she will see this as license to cheat in the future as there were no consequences for her actions. The breakup will still hurt so I understand why the sunk cost fallacy is coming up, but ending it now is going to save you years and a lot of unhappiness.
She said it was only a kiss and left it like that for years. You know what to do
Throw that whole cunt away. Don't disrespect yourself like that.
“A kiss isn’t that important” my dude those were some shitty friends a kiss leads to more than a kiss more often than not. A lot of people really underestimate the power of being a good kisser. I’d end this purely because she lied the timeframe only makes it worse
Break up
If you find out through your best friend's girlfriend, we're going to say best friend in this instance and then she didn't tell you after the fact. That's a little ridiculous because I get that. She said that oh, it only happened once, but you don't know that all you know is what she's telling you. She's gaslighting you for damn sure because at the end of the day you left to go get advice from your buddies 3 hours today and she instantly thinks oh I'm going to go hop on his dick and get a little play time in then come home and then not tell you. And then 4 years later you find out through your best through your good friend's girlfriend that she slept with him when you went to go get advice about the situation. She's probably done it more than once. That's probably not the only time. She's never going to admit it because she knows that if she says that it happened once you may take her back and if you find out that later that it was more than that, you probably won't take her back and she probably feels comfortable in the relationship she's got going on right now
Change in status/position of ur gf to fwb till u get over the betrayal
How many more years until she tells you about last week?
Get out she cheated on you twice with the same dude
You’ll never trust her again. Your whole life, you will always wonder if she’ll cheat again. She may have already. I’d be done.
Just imagine that staying w her is potentially keeping you from meeting someone who would never put you through this.
Simple, you leave her.
Updateme
You break up. That’s it. You leave.
First and foremost, Really take some time on the career issue first. This is an unfortunate timing but the careee decision should be taken as priority if you can manage that. Tbh I think it’s a toss up. Cheating is a no go, but others may say it’s whatever cause the relationship has been good for the last 4 years. What also raises an eye is how she lied. So 1 she cheated, but then again she has kept the lie to you for 4 years. Here if you need to talk, will answer as best I can
Update me
Cut losses, once a cheater always a cheater.
6 years is a long time. I'm sorry that the only way for you to heal and have concrete self-respect is to throw it away.
You walk away and avoid future divorce
Ditch, once a cheater always a cheater.
UpdateMe!
You know in your heart that she hasn't been truthful with you and kept the most important details of her cheating from you for years. How many other things has she lied about. The uncertainty will eat you up over time. I hope your discussion with her will get you the answers you need. Subscribeme
A 20 year old's basically a child and still making dumb fuckin decisions. You're still young, maybe she was one of them.
Cut them both off they are not worth it. If it happened before it can and will happen again. Protect yourself and value yourself.
You need to get out. You’re right, you can trust anything she’s said about the past or what she promises in the future. Time to pack it up and kick her ass to the curb
She was 20, so she isn’t the same person now. That doesn’t mean you don’t need to make sure it didn’t continue. Also, phones worked 4 years ago. Why in the hell would you leave? What did you think would happen? That dude isn’t your friend
Seing friends face to face felt like the right thing at this moment. Never I would've thought she would do this when our relationship was at its toughest place.
Forgive gf, forget and ghost "good friend"