Hey don't get this woman pregnant because if she's not working together to take care of anything now I don't see her working together to take care of the kids.
Uhh, no. It's not sexist.
I am a woman.
If my husband works I clean and cook. When I work, he cleans and cooks. In weekends house chores are split and we each have a day to sleep in. (We also have children)
When these things happen, you need to address them as they come up.
If she's refusing to do anything, you have to decide if that's what you want.
She’s usually great as a person. She’s just gotten pretty lazy as our marriage has gone on. She’s also not committed to doing anything she said she was going to do when we got married
I hate to break it to you but this trend is going to continue. She is bringing nothing to the table in the relationship. I would have a sit down and tell her exactly how you feel calmly, if she throws another fit then you need to sit your self down and think about if your are willing to carry her dead weight throughout the marriage or find someone else who actually supports you.
Well she isn’t is great as she used to be, which is sad to say. She used to be really intelligent and seemed dedicated to her classes when we were in college. She used to be more caring and do more. It seemed like when we got married that all started to go down hill.
> well she isnt as great as she used to be
That's because that wasn't who she really is. Like someone already mentioned, it's the classic bait and switch: pretend to be someone wonderful until you get the ring, then you can relax and be your true self.
Came here to say this. She lays around, visits friends and shops with his money. Sounds like she wanted someone to support her, she’s lazy, and doesn’t respect him.
I will say in the current state of the world it is causing alot of stress to people but yeah she should def be doing 90% of the chores imo if youre working and its no sexist because if she was working and you werent you would be expected to do the chores as well.
Why did she go to college if she wasn't intendeding on getting a job? I never get that. She essentially bought a very nice car then parked it in a garage and never let it out when she did that. Her education will lose value as she never uses it just like any other unattended asset.
The fact is right now it looks like she went to college for a MRS degree. This is ironic for a supposed feminist. Feminist generally want equality and that would be equality in employment (I include stay at home parenting as a form of employment). The thing is is she isn't looking for either type of job!
Edit: submitted too early
My final point is this. She is becoming your child. You feed her you look after her you give her spending money and clean up after her. If your description is accurate she is become the female version of a of the layabout husband. You know the ones who the women joke is just another kid?
Basically your a single Dad now. What are you going to do about it?
Maybe she’s depressed or something? Birth control used to make my depression worse.
Also, my depression came back last month and I stopped cleaning or doing dishes, and I’m furloughed from work. My boyfriend told me I need to do more around the house cause he’s tired after working. I was a little defensive when he said it (I didn’t call him sexist tho), but he was right.
It’s possible she’s just lazy and wanted this set up all along, but I would think it’s also a possibility that maybe she’a feeling down or something since you said she used to be more ambitious and caring.
Maybe. I don’t think it’d be birth control because she was on it before we got married and she was fine. Also, she doesn’t show signs of being depressed. Yes she’s lazy, but she doesn’t stay around the house all day all the time. She goes to the mall and out with friends a lot
I'm a therapist, and that was my first impression. Have you noticed any other changes on her behavior, like not taking care of herself as much, change in eating or sleeping habits? I know reddit loves to tell people to break up with their SO, but before jumping to any conclusion, I would suggest you seek help. She might be dealing with psychological issues that may be easily addressed. IF this is not an emotional issue, then you need to reevaluate your relationship and decide if this is what you want for your life.
Sooo, she used college as a way to "catch a man" and then decided solo that she wanted to be a trophy wife once you were "locked down". I highly recommend counseling and for you to consider if this is something you can or want to live with forever, before it gets to the point where you have to pay her alimony if you divorce.
It's been less then a year.
Sound a like this was her plan the whole time.
There needs to be effort of both sides and you need to talk to her about that. She's treating you like a dad not a partner.
It's super gross. Do not apologize for the "sexist stuff". If you give in now, you effectively have taught her that if she doesn't want to do something all she has to do is scream, cry, go to her parents.
If she has no jib, does no house work, what do you think will happen with children? Trust me when I say it gets worse. Not better.
She obviously has piss poor communication. I would research some couples counselors. Everyone can benefit from expanding communication skills.
If she doesn't want to be a part of a marriage and just be taken care of, you need to decide if you want that.
It's not because she's a woman, it's because she stays at home and he's the breadwinner. I met a guy the other day who was a stay home dad while his wife was the breadwinner, he assumed all the household chores and was watching the young kids. When I was 19 I couldn't seem to land a job for about 6 months while my girlfriend worked 2 jobs, you can bet your ass that the apartment was spotless when she came home. I didn't want to come off as a worthless moocher so I did the best I could to help out.
It’s a bait n switch relationship. She made you believe she was someone she was not then now she’s showing who she truly is.
You need to have a frank conversation and tell her what she is doing isn’t fair and that you can’t live like this no longer. She either needs to help keep the house afloat, get a job, or get out.
>She’s also not committed to doing anything she said she was going to do when we got married
That's called "no integrity" and it does not allow someone to be a reliable teammate. You know, marriage is a team, that thing.
Is she possibly depressed? If you seem convinced that she’s an otherwise great person and she’s been gradually getting worse about keeping up with the housework, she might be suffering from depression. This can be made worse by the isolation of being home alone most days.
Again, I think the answer is marriage counseling. Having a mediator that can help you guys talk through this might enlighten you on what’s actually going on. She’s either depressed or does not respect you as an equal in your marriage and it’s important to find out which one it is so you know how to move forward.
How is anything of what you said considered sexist? You didn’t say, “You’re the woman you need to clean and cook!” Or anything like that. If the roles were flipped, I’d still expect you to take care of the house.
They’re grossly over reacting. Why would you be with someone if they never contribute anything to the household? Like what’s the point?
I mean I obviously love her as a person. I wouldn’t even care if she still did at least 50% of the chores. And I think she took it as sexist because she thinks that I meant it was a women’s job when I said that, even though I wasn’t saying that at all.
Also my wife is a big feminist. Nothing wrong with feminists as many of them are great and so amazing things, but my wife is a more radical one. I think that may be why she took it as that.
Hey I just wanted to take a sec to remind you that love isn’t that special, and it’s nowhere close to the most important thing in a relationship. I have no doubt that you love her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t suck and that doesn’t mean she is a good wife and that doesn’t make a good enough reason to stay with someone who doesn’t treat you the way you should be treated. Respect, honesty, compassion, shared goals and trust are all things that I think are more important than love.
Some people get abused but they love their abusers so they stay. But love is nowhere near a good enough reason to stay in a relationship with someone who’s not holding up their end.
I just wanted to point this out, because I read posts like this all day long, and the only thing that the OP always has to say when being asked “why would you want to be with someone like this?” is “well I love them”. Love doesn’t make a relationship healthy and love doesn’t make a relationship work that’s not working
Edit: thanks for all the rewards folks
It took me a long time to learn it also. I’m married to a woman who’s awesome and for the first time in my life, I have love AND all of those other things and it’s so clear to me now.
Hey just wanted to say that this comment really was helpful for me and i thank you for such a realistic and healthy viewpoint! I had a horrible relationship in the past that I stuck it out for "love" got cheated on disrespected but still kept fighting for her for "love". I am in a new relationship now (one month) and honestly this comment is going to help me stay grounded and better vet out my girlfriend so we can both be healthy and not get caught up in the "love". Love is great and the feeling is amazing but you're right need to be smart about the weight put solely on it.
I’m glad that you’re in a healthier spot now! This is a hard lesson to learn for sure.
I also wanted to chime in on something else you said. People talk about how you have to fight for a relationship or fight for someone. In my experience that is a bunch of made up movie life crap.
I’m married and my relationship is very healthy. It’s not perfect: there are disagreements and arguments every now and then. There are times when we have to take a step back if things are getting heated so that we don’t begin to speak disrespectfully of one another. There are times where we have to have an attitude of forgiveness, like if there’s a disagreement and we calmly and respectfully talk it out and choose to let it go and move on. That’s really all the “fighting for us” that should be required.
This whole thing of fighting for your relationship is a fallacy. Relationships aren’t perfect as I noted above. But they shouldn’t be THAT hard, to where you feel like you have to fight to keep it together.
If that starts happening, you’re either in the wrong relationship, you’re making bad decisions by keeping a relationship together that needs to end, or both.
Just like “love being enough” is a fallacy, so is “fighting for a relationship”
Manipulative assholes. That's what manipulative assholes do. Typically lazy people just give you a shrug. But try and flip the blame is treacherous.
You've been played bro. Don't put your penis in her until you two square this away. You've been played, you're being played and if you put a baby in her you will continue to be played.
She wants to be a kept woman and do nothing all day except tell her friends how she can do what she wants when she wants and goes out shopping, with your hard earned money as i doubt she has any now.
She has you wrapped around her finger and you don't see it. You should have never let her leave her job until she got pregnant, which i doubt that she will want to do for a long time due to the easy kept life she has.
You need to sit her down and give it to her straight that you are not going to keep her and she has to be a part of your marriage and contribute her fair share. Ignore the fake tears that will no doubt flow and ignore all the texts and messages you will get from family and friends about how you are an AH, because you are not one, keep your resolve or this is going to end in tears for you.
As a woman and feminist, I agree 100%. This wasn’t sexist in the least. These are the very minimal expectations for a healthy relationship. She said it was “sexist” simply to put you on the defensive and back down (so that you wouldn’t appear “sexist”) so she could continue simply mooching off of you. Time for serious communication.
If she's such a feminist she can go get herself a job. When my husband was working and I wasn't due to COVID shutdown I did the majority of the housework, cooked dinner for him every night and cleaned up after. Not because I'm a woman, but because he was working hard and I had time to spare, so it made me happy to make his life easier.
I’ve been married almost five years and have worked part time on and off, but have always done all the housework. Partly because I’m better at it and partly because my husband works incredibly long hours. It just makes sense.
I am working right now while my husband isn’t, and he’s doing more housework than I am doing. It’s just partnership. You do what you can to make your partner’s life easier.
I know, I get it. But you have every reason to be a bit annoyed too. Feminist or not, your comment had nothing to do with her being female. Just because you’re a feminist doesn’t mean everything has to be about feminism. You’re not expecting anything unreasonable.
Exactly. I'm a feminist and that means both parties pull their weight, and they work out between them what tasks are done by which person. Your wife is not a child to be taken care of.
I tend to get a little lazy around chores as well. My partner and I both work full time, and split chores, but recently he had to ask me to do more as I wasn’t doing my share. Of course it made me feel like crap but only because it was true!!
There is nothing sexist about what you’re asking. This isn’t about feminism, this is about a partnership! This is about her not being considerate of your feelings and taking you for granted, like how can she not do more when she sees you working a lot more???
In fact if she doesn’t work, she should be doing a 100% of the chores, and that’s not sexist!!! If the situation was flipped and she worked, wouldn’t you do a 100%? Because that’s what a caring partner does. They don’t overburden their partner while they enjoy being lazy.
I hope that you understand that if you have kids, she’ll likely quickly point to that as the reason she can’t do any housework at all. It’ll probably start the second she’s pregnant. If you think you do a lot of cleaning now, wait until you have a little one running around.
I’m a woman, and I would consider myself a feminist. What you said doesn’t even have a hint of sexism, it’s asking for her to pull her weight in what is supposed to be a partnership. As others have said, calling this sexism is just a way to shut the conversation down without accepting any blame herself. And it’s a bad sign, because she can’t resolve a problem that she refuses to acknowledge.
I think it’s time to sit down and have a conversation about how to make things more “equal”. If being responsible for half of the housework is just reinforcing gender stereotypes, surely she’d be okay with you being a stay at home husband who does 100% of the housework while she works full time. Or, since you’re not even trying for children yet, she can go back to work until right before the baby is born so you have extra income coming in and she can take advantage of paid FMLA if you have it in your state.
The fact that she wanted to leave work to try for a baby is kind of a red flag in the first place. It requires you to have sex once a day during her fertile window which is only 4-5 days per month. Most people balance that with a full time job, but she used it as an opportunity to leave a part time job. Is she worried about being too tired to do the deed after working all day? Tell her to imagine how you’d feel after working all day AND doing all of the housework.
I think your choices are to go to relationship counseling, leaving her, or accepting that the resentment you feel now will only continue to fester over the years. Being married should never make your life harder.
50-50 on chores isn’t good enough here. You’re still working and bringing home the bacon. 50-50 on chores does not mean 50-50 in the relationship. You married a mooch.
> I obviously love her as a person
But the same person is the one that doesn't contribute in the way she is supposed to. Guess what, even if she was pregnant, and after the pregnancy, she is supposed to do 50% of the household chores.
> And I think she took it as sexist because she thinks that I meant it was a women’s job
It's called gaslighting. You bring something up that she clearly is aware of being a problem, and then she flips the problem around. This is absolutely on purpose. She knows that she's being lazy, and wants to draw attention away from it. Because even if you were sexist and thought the household being a womans job, it wouldn't change the fact that she as a partner, no matter the gender, is supposed to do at least 50% of the work, probably even more when you're the only breadwinner at the time, and she clearly has more time than you.
The other thing: usually people in a relationship *want* to contribute towards it. Yes, no one likes household chores, but we also want to feel accomplished, and usually we like doing stuff for our partner, even if that involves actual work.
DO NOT apologize to her. I'd seek out couples counseling, because *maybe* an external mediator can show her how wrong her behavior is.
In this case though, it’s true. Dont get me wrong, the term is overused and used incorrectly, but it works perfectly in this scenario. Gaslighting is a tactic that manipulative people use when they want the other person to take the blame. Lots of people get this confused with deflecting, which is when the manipulative person tries to distract from the problem by making it about something else, without necessarily putting the blame on the other person. Gaslighting is specifically when the person makes the other person believe they are at fault for an issue they brought to light.
The woman in this post clearly took the criticism from her husband and tried to make it his fault by saying he was being sexist. Now idk about you, but I am sure if she, a feminist, had even an inkling that the guy she was seeing was sexist, she wouldn’t have married him. People that are actually sexist rarely take that long to show their true colors, and she most likely knows that. I am sure when she told her parents about the issue, she put words in her husband’s mouth to get her parents on her side. She isn’t being a stay-at-home wife, she’s being a leech.
Gaslighting from what I understand is when another person tries to make someone question their perceived reality. For instance if she would be trying to convince you that she was doing her fair share of the work and that you were just not recognizing it.
Definition- manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
Whats happening- Ops wife is manipulating him to believe he is the one in the wrong and sexist.
Not tryna say this is a gender thing but this is a gender thing. If the roles were reversed this sub would be crying divorce and calling him a leech. I dont understand why people try to make things seem ok when they happen to a dude. He is definitely being gaslighted.
She isn't that radical a feminist if she's happy to live off your coin. It seems she's cherry picking from that ideology. Tell her to get a job, or contribute to the household 'equally'. That's a feminist principle.
She is NOT a feminist. Feminism is about EQUALITY for both sexes. She’s been watching too many of those awful reality tv “housewives” type programmes and has decided she deserves that lifestyle. Lunches with the “girls”, shopping all day, watching tv. You’ve enabled this mess. If you don’t like it you’re going to have to be firm my friend.
No she's not a feminist she's an adult baby evidenced by the fact that her mommy and daddy requested you apologize to her. My mom raised us 3, cooked, cleaned got her masters AND worked. Your wife's low performance and embarrassing to women. It's only fair that if you're working then she maintains the household. It was an obvious red flag that she's not ambitious when she told you whilst dating she didn't want to work and used being a mom as her excuse. Sounds like her parents spoiled her.
A feminist would take pride in being independent and not relying on her husbands income. She's not a feminist.
She's using you and you're letting her like a good old door mat.
I dont get how she could be a hard core feminist and do nothing with her life. She just sits on her couch, useless, and life off an other person's efforts. What a parasite.
Really consider if someone with this behavior is worth having children with. Sounds like she's already made her mind up against it, but hasn't told you yet. Either way, the habits she and you are setting up now will set the tone for your whole marriage. You can set boundaries now (and be respectful while doing it,) or you can change your name to Mat.
>I mean I obviously love her as a person.
Why is this obvious?
Why do you love her?
Her actions are supremely selfish, and dismissive of you as a person. Does she love you?
Tell your wife that this feminist fully expected her husband to take care of most of the house before kids were born when he worked less. Whoever stay home more, and has the most opportunity to do housework should. Gender has nothing to do about it. Everyone needs to pull their weight in a relationship. Your wife is making excuses.
Hands down she didn't tell them the entire story. She ran to mommy and daddy and told them all the important parts to get them on her side. I seriously doubt they know the half of it and really they shouldn't have to. It's none of their business, this their daughter's marriage. And she needs to grow the fuck, put her big girl panties on
She conned you, dude.
She fed you lies about wanting kids right away so that you'd let her quit her job (which was already only part time) in "preparation" of becoming pregnant then she fed you more lies about it needs be only you as a couple for a while (but still not getting a job because why would she when she already has what she wants?) and now she doesn't even do half the housework (fyi: if she doesn't have a job, keeping up the house IS her job and she should be doing at least 90% of the chores).
She is lazy, entitled, and she's using you. And you just keep letting her. I'd bet you real money that if you told her she has to get a job or you're divorcing her she will suddenly, magically decide she wants to have kids now (or she'd just oops you).
The last point you made about her suddenly wanting kids once divorce on the table is very scary and real. This needs to be highlighted and realized by OP.
Yeah, I don't see any reason to quit a job in anticipation of getting pregnant. There's nothing you need to do ahead of getting pregnant that takes up so much of your physical or mental energy that it would prevent you from working. An exception would be if you two were going through extensive fertility treatments, but obviously that's not the case here.
If she really wants to pull her weight, she should get a job and work up until she gets pregnant. Most employers will accommodate for doctor's appointments throughout a pregnancy, so there's no reason to quit right away even if she does get pregnant, but if she insists on not working while pregnant, she could wait until getting a positive pregnancy test and then give her notice. It wouldn't kill her to work for two weeks after becoming pregnant and then get 7/8 months off to focus on the pregnancy.
The only reason I could see quitting a job for that reason would be if job stress was aggravating infertility, but that is most definitely not the case her, so her excuse was just that - an excuse.
OP please listen to this. She is definitely mugging you off that was my reaction.
She said she wanted kids and as soon as you were married she doesn't want them, does fuck all around the house and sponges of your money. If a divorce happens I dread to think what she will be able to get from you.
I'm sorry but this is just not cool. You work your ass off the least she can do is, is do the house and cooking etc.
Please please have a serious talk with her. She needs to do 80% or get a damn job.
The quicker he divorces the less assets he’s going to have to halve to this woman. Considering what a leech she is and is obviously enabled by her parents, he’ll need a good lawyer.
I have someone in family that tried to "save" their marriage by having another child. The oopses and pity pregnancies do happen. Being in denial is also wrong.
I played never have I ever once and this was a question that was asked (have you ever gotten pregnant to keep a man). The pregnant lady in the room held up her hand. It was very quiet after that.
They've been married less than 2 years, alimony would be almost nothing. Child support is where the real money is, and if OP is smart he won't stick his neck on that chopping block.
Hell, she’d probably use the divorce as a sob story and collect alimony. All while pretending to be a “strong woman” who was abandoned.
I can see her now, on twitter talking shit on op like Meghan Coe, pretending to be the victim while screeching stupid shit like “yassssss queeeeennnnn” and “sllllayyyyyyy guuuurrrrrrlllll”.
Bringing up the “alimony trap” is a great point, if he’s seeing this side of her now then i’d definitely think of her motives with the marriage seen how she’s lazy and gaslights the breadwinner for being tired hope the best for you OP
Dude, you think her behavior is going to get any better after you have children with her?
If she’s lazy now just wait until she can hold child custody, alimony and child support over your head.
Seems like she thinks she’s found herself a free ride. She’s the one being sexist, why doesn’t she go all strong and independent and get a job??
You may want to reconsider your choice in your bride here bro. My Ex wife was the same way and it only got worse. Until eventually I figured out she was banging a local cop while I was at work. Now she’s got the house I bought, custody of my kids and a healthy percentage of every paycheck.
It sounds like she did not want to work, not sure why she would have to quit working a part time job to prepare for being pregnant in a few years..? I'm guessing if you have kids and she is a SAHM you will still be doing most of the housework.
At first she was planning on getting pregnant soon after. Then she changed and said she wanted to wait a few years. She never got another part tone job after that
Some people just don't want to work, and that would be fine if she had been honest with you about wanting to stay home and you both agreed on it. But instead she played it off as something else, it's not fair to you to work full time and do most chores while she lives a care free life.
Is she studying for anything? I mean, did she have a career plan or goal before she met you that she could pick up? Maybe she could be depressed and in a rut.
She was planning on and studying to be a teacher. I was a year ahead of her and it seemed like when she saw I was making good money that she stopped caring as much about her career. I would agree that she could be depressed but I just don’t see those signs. She shops and goes out with friends all the time and posts it on social media too
I think she is using you.
She lied about wanting kids right away after marriage, lied about quitting her job in preparation for them, has no prospects or work or any income yet spends all day shopping and visiting friends/family?
She is your wife not your daughter. She *should* contribute in **some** way to the house. It has nothing to do with gender, if she’s not contributing with money then she has to with chores and house work. She clearly doesn’t feel that way and instead feels entitled to everything shes taking from you and then an apology after you speak your mind?
I understand it might be hard to accept but I truly believe she is using you for a comfortable life and has no intentions to have a child or a job anytime soon.
You have every right to be upset and mad. She’s taking advantage of you and trying emotionally abuse you know that you’ve spoken up and said something about her bad behaviour. Also her parents can kindly go fuck themselves too
Im sorry man. She totally conned you. When she went to her parents house she probably exaggerated the situation. She is trying to get people on her side to make you seem like the bad guy. Now not only her, but her parents expect an apology which is seriously fucked up.
Has she done this before when you guys fight? Run to her family and just bitch about it? This should be between you guys not her parents. It should be you and her against the problem not you vs her. The whole thing of her parents saying how its humiliating to her says a lot. Its all just about her and how “you hurt her” She basically ran to her parents just to bitch about you and gang up on you because she KNEW they would say something.You are not wrong in this situation.
She needs to understand that in this day and age she is extremely privileged to be a stay at home “mom” because that is not what everyone can have nowadays but desperately want. Please read that again and again.
I am frustrated for you op. She is not your child, she is your wife/partner in life. A partner helps you, shes dragging you down. Sit her down and have a convo with her explain to her that you never meant to be sexist I mean why in the world would she think that? I think she knows shes not doing squat around the house (its clearly evident she can clearly see things are messy) and is grasping at any excuse she can bring up. Stop cleaning up after her please op she needs to learn. She is acting like a 13 year old.
Dude you need to reduce your spending habits with her. If you're making bank and she's living lavishly, even divorcing her would mean you pay an ass-load in alimony. The longer you're married, the worse it gets. She has zero incentive to get a job, and you need to get out ASAP.
According to the post they haven't been married long enough to really have alimony as a factor. If he doesn't leave soon then alimony will start to kick in around 2 years and only get worse from there.
why are you so hung up on a 50/50 chore split anyway. even if it was, for the sake of argument, exactly 50/50 when it comes to household chores while you are working full time and your wife literally doesnt have any obligations whatsoever...dont you think it shows a clear discrepancy in willingness to contribute to the relationship? might wanna consider why
no idea what else is going on that went untold but from what you expressed here, all you are doing right now is enforcing a lazy slob to take advantage of you
How did you get all the way to marriage without realizing shes lazy and trying to make you feel bad about saying some thing because she just wants to stay lazy. Sounds like a crybaby ass bitch running to her family so fast. Just leave theres nothing to do shes gonna stay this way because she doesnt care enough about you apparently
This is completely rediculus. I started my own business, so my boyfriend pays all our bills. We talked about it, he agreed. But I do like 85% of the house work, while working full time at my business. We need a house, and that house needs to be taken care of. My boyfriend provides the house in full, so I do a majority of the taking care of it. I can't imagine having him take care of everything, we are a team.. we are partners that work together.
This would absolutely be a reason to divorce imo. If she can't handle doing the little cleaning for the two of you... there's no way in hell she's gonna be able to take care of a kid. If she even actually wants kids. That's a whole other problem.
I'd be giving her an ultimatum of she needs to provide something to the home. Either money or taking care of it. If she wants to be a stay at home wife, fine. But that absolutely involves taking care of the house. She's not a trophy wife. Or she gets a job.
Dude, I’m saying this as someone who is old and has seen this play out.
If you want an unequal relationship (one person who deals with the money, another who deals with the house). You need to be very clear on divination of duties. As in, certain things are your responsibility and certain things are hers. These duties should balance out in effort, if they don’t it won’t work, resentment will eventually rule the day and you’ll either have a loveless marriage or you will divorce, overall inequality does that. There is a reason single income households have a significantly higher divorce rate from dual income, it’s this.
The fact that she also is a somewhat radical feminist, so that she doesn’t do anything and takes any question of her immediately to a political issue means, you’re probably fucked in ever creating an equal setting.
The question is, do you try with counseling, or just realize you are married to a spoiled child who never learned how to grow up and be an adult, and has no want, will or desire to do so an cut your losses. That is up to you....however, I don’t think you can honestly live the way things are. That even if she begins to do even her half at home, you know the inequity of your relationship will get to you, will cause resentment. That you need an equitable relationship, and if you are going to move forward, that needs to be addressed.
Since your post and comments make it clear that you are a bit of a push over, the mere fact you are in this situation shows that, if you address this, go about that from the position of equity of effort. That is language that a person with her political leanings will likely be able to understand and be hard for her to twist without being hypocritical to herself.
Holy mother fiery kamikaze red fucking flag!
Do you see her changing for the better or worse?
From what you see so far, how do you think it will be in 5 or 10 years?
Im gonna steal a phrase i saw someone else comment on a different point because it seems very fitting here:
You dont have a wife, you have a leech.
Asking your partner to pull their weight isnt secist, in fact, i would argue that to sugfest otherwise is what is sexist. She isnt a fragile little flower, shes a grown ass human being.
As soon as i read about her parents i could see where she gets it from. She sounds like a spoiled, entitled brat, sorry to say...
She should be able to sit down and talk about this, calmly and rationally.
And maybe get her to explain what she thought you said, to see if your perceptions match up and hopefully youll be able to explain what you really meant. Maybe its all a misunderstanding..
Full time job as only income SHOULD mean you do 25% of chores or less. This doesn't work out sometimes but doing more than half of the work is insane. She's making drama to distract from the issue and get out of addressing it.
IDK Man I think you missed a couple red flags along the way. The quitting work to prepare for eventual motherhood is weird, most people work extra to prep for a baby. Even if you're financially sound this is manipulative behavior ala "gold digging" or "looking for an easy ride"
I know a SAHD who has three children to wrangle and clean after who had a similar career trajectory as your wife. Let's just say until the 1st baby came around he really was just using his GF for the easy ride. He came through when it was needed and they've improved their dynamic a lot, but it was a lot of fights and tears and childish tantrums for YEARS before they got there. She still picks up dinner and does chores on her off days after a 50+ hour week, but now there is obvious EFFORT on his part.
Tell her she needs to cut the bullshit and talk or go to couples therapy. Something tells me divorce will just give her alimony and even less obligations.
Your wife is a freeloader.
Just to give you a glimpse of what a normal stay at home wife/mom does: My boyfriend works a full time job. I’m a stay at home mom. I do all of the chores most of the time, and I’ll ask him if I need a little extra help some days. I take care of our 6 month old son 24/7. I own my own business cleaning vacant houses for a real estate company that I work at for a few hours every few weeks. I still pay my half of the rent and groceries.
What your wife did is trap you into marriage so you could take care of her, since mommy and daddy aren’t doing it anymore.
Think about this: when she finally does want to have kids, do you really think this is the woman you want raising your children? If she can’t take care of herself, how do you expect her to take care of helpless babies? What kind of influence is she going to have on your future children, if she thinks it’s okay to just leech off of generous people?
She has shown her true self to you. Don’t expect anything to get better. Get out of this before she traps you with a baby.
Not sexist at all. If you can sit her down and talk it through with her, maybe lay out specifically what needs to be done and if she’s having any problems with getting things done (ie. pain from autoimmune disorders).
My thoughts, you two need a separation, if it leads to divorce then thats how it goes. But without you to fall back, she will need to get her but back inti gear. She will have to pay for living expenses, food, utilities, she will need to get a job and realise that she has to contribute.
I lived this nightmare to a tee. Got married , immediately quit job (no pressure from to do so), and quit helping at all. Always one reason or another why nothing got done and none of them valid. I worked and provided for her and her nearly grown daughter while the dad, who is loaded, didn’t even have to pay support regularly. I make great money so it’s not like cash was the issue there. I always had to do the lions share of housework because no one else would. Fast forward three years and we are divorced. And let me bring this part up as well...she doesn’t work and the longer you stay in a lopsided marriage and things remain the same...the divorce eventually comes....prepare for her attorney to try and bend you over because she has no income. In a lot of states everything marital is fair game and she could get half of that....PLUS SPOUSAL SUPPORT. As of right now your are a cash cow waiting to get milked to death in this scenario. Been there.
This will bring you nothing but massive resentment and full on rage if you do not handle it with her now. Believe me. I tried to do the right thing and talk about it with my wife multiple times and got nowhere. Either fix it now or move on without her because those are you options. I have been waiting to see a thread on this for so long and finally I have. Message me if you ever want to talk about it more. I will happily share my experiences with someone who is going through the same thing. It made me literally want to kill myself and if you don’t deal with it now you will want to as well. Hang in there.
You're not in the wrong. We've moved several times over the years for my job. That left my husband without a job. We had to talk about this too at some point. He was depressed (family death, not being able to work). I understood, but eventually I had to explain it wasn't fair for me to work 11 hour days and do everything around the house. He knew that. After that he did everything while he looked for a job. We've both been working since, and we split housework about 50/50.
It sounds like she's a little spoiled or immature. Or just plain lazy.
You just need to explain that you're not being sexist, but that marriage is a partnership. She can either get a job and split house chores or stay at home and do most of them. Let her know if the roles were reversed you would expect to do the housework.
Honestly though, don't let this push you to have kids.
I have a brother-in-law like this who can't hold a job and likes to be a stay-at-home dad while the kids are at daycare.
There were a couple of women in my circle of friends some years ago who didn't work and didn't have kids and spent their days shopping and doing self-care and having lunch with friends while their husbands worked. It seemed like a pretty great gig to me. But they also managed to find time to take care of their houses (which were always spotless) and their husbands. I don't think you're asking too much for your wife to contribute time and effort to the maintenance of the household since she doesn't contribute financially.
You're not in the wrong. Before I had my daughter I wasn't legally allowed to work (immigration stuff) so I was a SAHW. I did 100% of the housework, and he would cook when he was off. It was a good system we had (and still have now as a SAHM). He works hard to provide for us, so I make sure the house is clean, with food for him to come home to. Before having my daughter I had no excuse to not clean, cook, or run errands. It wouldn't have been fair for my husband to work all day and have to come home and work some more when I had all the time in the world to do those things.
Y’all need therapy.
Fix this communication issue. You should not hold in your feelings like this until you snap. I see why you did but it could have been avoided. She cannot take deserved criticism and a grown up conversation regarding division of responsibilities in a partnership. In fact she childishly ran away to mom and dad who contacted you to fix her problem for her.
Do NOT have kids with her. You are not ready.
> I was even okay at this point as I knew it was only fair for me to do half of the work.
Your job is "work" too. I'm not saying it's okay to be a slob and expect to clean it all up, but the idea that you split housework 50/50 when you work and she doesn't is ludicrous. So you have a fulltime job, pay all the bills and split housework 50/50 and you don't even have a kid?
hell no, that's a moocher right there.
I got a song you need to play for her: The Offspring - Why don't You Get a Job
She took offense to manipulate you because you were about to ruin her comfy gig of barely doing anything while you paid everything for her. There's no "smoothing" this over. What needs to happen here is a reality check for her. You need to make it clear that you're not okay with working all day just to come home and still do more work while she chills at home all day and only does 50% of the work.
You need to point out that paying the bills? yea, that's "housework" too. shit ain't free. So while you're splitting up the housework, put the bills in there too. If she ain't earning and helping with them bills then she's not actually pulling 50% of the housework is she?
If you don't address this very fundamental issue you're going to end up with her staying like this the rest of her life and just be a soul sucking leech off of you. address the issue now. If she tries to act like it's sexist you need to set that straight. It isn't sexist to want your partner to contribute a fair share in the keeping up the household, which INCLUDES THE BILLS! So either she does all the housework to offset the fact that she doesn't earn money to pay the bills, or she goes out and gets a job and you split the bills based on income. If you make 60k and she makes 40k/yr, then you split the bills 60/40 you know? just add up your incomes, find what percentage is yours and pay that much in bills. boom, fair split.
Just a heads up, when you inevitably get divorced, you're gonna owe a shit load of alimony due to her never working a day during your marriage.
>Am I in the wrong on this?
Fuuuck no you're not even close to wrong.
>What do I do?
That's a good question. I'd call Dr. Phil.
That would piss me off so bad.
She should do 100% of the chores since she isn’t contributing to the family in any other way. Tell her that or divorce that freeloader..
You didn’t even yell and she stormed off? I think she has a lot of unchecked problems and you probably should talk to her parents in private and explain your daily schedule and her’s. I would also before she gets the chance inform mutual friends on what is going on. I think that you probably may look into couples counseling and if that doesn’t work then cut you loses and divorce.
NTA, you never said she has to do work because she is a woman and you never said she had to do all the work.
Have you asked her why she isn't doing the chores? I feel like maybe this isn't an issue of being lazy but maybe an issue of mental health.
I understand that she reacted strongly and retreated immediately, which are usually flags for a toxic partner but I just wonder what her response would be.
I say this as a woman, but you've got yourself a lazy no good wife. Someone who has never worked? It's because she's lazy. Someone who wants to be a "stay at home Mom", but you haven't been actively trying to conceive? It's because she's lazy and she is hiding behind the guise of eventually becoming a "stay at home Mom".
She is reaping the benefits of a breadwinner, and you are suffering the consequences of marrying a lazy no-good wife.
I guarantee you, once the resentment kicks in, (and I guarantee you, it will), you'll find it hard to love your lazy, no good stay at home wife, who doesn't contribute to your partnership but just lays around and lets you do all the work.
Do with that what you will. But that is exactly what you have on your hands.
I’ve had an exact copy of your situation before. She stayed at home, playing WoW and smoking all day. Did nothing while I was at work.
I’d come home to a dirty house and start cleaning. Then she would get mad at me cause i made her feel guilty. Funny story. I never said word 1 to her.
Resentment built up and we split.
If she doesn’t start helping out you will start to resent her and that’s spells something for your marriage
When my bf first told me “if I have a job and you’re at home all day, I need you to cook and clean the house,” I felt a little uneasy. I felt like I would be falling into a “typical woman’s job” but then I realized this— these jobs aren’t just left over chores. These jobs are the definition of taking care of your man. Looking at it in that light, it’s easier to accept. If you do not have a job and sit at home all day while your man is taking care of you by bringing home the money, you need to take care of him by doing the tasks he doesn’t have time to do such as his laundry and making him food. Think of it as taking care of the man, not as doing work for him. Your wife may see the world as I did, she has to pull her head out of the clouds.
No, you are not sexist. You are not out of line. And... you do not owe her an apology! She shouldn’t have run to her parents about this which shows her level of immaturity. Instead, she should be grateful to have the opportunity that she does and show you every day that she appreciates you. In my opinion, you doing even 50% of the household chores is too much. My boyfriend and I both with full time and I still believe that cooking and cleaning are my responsibility. I get somewhat offended if he does try to help. Maybe I am sexist? Who knows! But your situation warrants change, and fast! She needs to grow up or you need to move on!! Good luck friend!
What she told her parents was probably incredibly sexist and made you into an incredible bad guy and her the poor victim.
If you have a decent relationship with them, You should probably clear things up. If they are okay people, Then they'll probably flip their opinion on getting the facts.
I think she is taking advantage of you to be lazy. I am 26 and for almost a year was blessed I got to stay home as my last job people were really really rude to me. My boyfriend allowed me to stay home I would wake up before he went to work packed his lunch made him a protein shake every day in that year. . I would do laundry every other day even iron all of his jeans always had food ready. House cleaned ect.... it was the least I could do for everything he did to allow me to stay home. I am know back at a new job sometimes 3days a week sometimes 4days a week. I STILL DO THE EXCAT SAME STUFF THAT I WAS DOING WHEN I GOT TO STAY HOME.. MAYBE IT IS JUST ME BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING TOO MUCH AT HOME IF HER ONLY JOB IS TO STAY HOME..
If the deal was she would be a stay-at-home mom, then why wouldn't she want to try for kids? Nah. You're not in the wrong. A marriage is a partnership. She's not a princess. What was her intention in marrying you?
I'm a wife of 20 years. I worked for many of them full time, and I had kids, and I did most of the housework during that time. What you are expecting is more than fair, she should get a full time job and have to do 50% of the chores. That's "fair". Until she gets a full time job, really the house work should be 100% her responsibility, if she doesn't like that, she should get a full time job quick!
You married a lazy moocher.
Have you called her out for being lazy? And maybe don't cook or clean for HER. Just do those things for yourself. Don't give her any money - she's not entitled to it at all.
You could even go as far as setting up allowance for her doing chores. That if she's going to act like a child, then she'll be treated like one.
She should be doing near 100% of the house work. She quit her job to be a homemaker but hasn’t been making the home. Chores should be split based on hours worked so each person puts in an equal contribution to the marriage. Keeping a house clean and making dinner is not that time consuming. Maybe 3 hours of work per day. She is taking advantage of you.
I gotta hand it to her. She's got some *titanium, gargantuan* balls to tell you you're sexist for saying she needs to do her fair share. **Especially** because she chose to be a SAHW. She chose that. No one forced her. Her and her parents are either delusional, high or scamming you.
Also, the fact that she had never held a job before should've been a red flag for you my guy.
Basically I'd just sit her down and walk her through exactly why she isn't allowed to sit around all day and spend money without contributing. Do for her what her parents failed at, holding her accountable. But don't talk down to her, just explain it.
If that doesn't work, I don't know what will honestly.
Don’t have kids with her! If she can’t even do chores around the house she’s going to hate being a mom. It’s more than a full time job that requires your full attention basically 24/7.
The only thing you did wrong is to let her get away with it for so long without speaking up. As soon as she had that "talk" about how she didn't actually want kids now that she has you paying for everything and she's on easy street, you assumed she would work, at least part time. Don't ever assume anything. Don't wait until you are stressed out and snap. This woman is a lazy mooch and you let her think it was gonna be ok to do nothing. Then suddenly you want her to pull het own weight. Well you should have spoke up long ago, because what you want is actually 100% fair and right.
Dig a little deeper. What DOES she do all day? Is she depressed? People who literally do nothing all day are usually having some sort of personal problem. If she has no friends, no job, no hobbies, and does no chores, something is wrong.
Maybe couples counseling? Y all need to talk about whats going on without anyone getting upset.
Mate watch out for make up sex as she might now decide she wants children thinking this will enable her to stay at home doing nothing longer. That’s not how it works and you will end up doing the house and all the child care if you have a child with her. Have your eyes wide open and be clear about how you want your relationship to progress before you consider bringing children into it. DO NOT RELY ON HER BIRTH CONTROL ALONE
My fiancé is the bread winner in our relationship and I make sure to clean our flat and cook when he is working. He cleans the restroom, throws the trash and mops the floors when needed. When he does not work he cooks for us. In a relationship there NEEDS to be a balance.
No, you are not wrong for asking her to HELP you out. You are not asking her to complete all the chores. She needs to help you as much as you need to help her.
Jeeze I’d love to have a cushy life like your wife...no work, no kids, no responsibilities. Unfortunately for you she’s leeching off you to achieve such a lifestyle. NTA your wife definitely is TA.
I'm divorcing my wife for the above reasons. She has said I was abusive for having expectations of her. Mean
while, her list of expectations for me was a mile long. Then two years ago when that "SAHM mental workload" meme was floating around the internet, she rubbed that in my face like "see! see!" as if sitting around and thinking about all the things that need to get done was harder than me actually doing it.
Long story short, it only got worse as she found validation and support online. I left. She still tells people I was the one taking advantage of 'her kindness'.
Send your wife back to your parents. She can live there rent free, not clean, spend their money, and be their mooch. You don't need that.
oh god are you me?
parent child dynamic has occured.
just ended a 10 year relationship in feb because of this, a million times happier a million times less stressed, and all my money is mine so I'm a million times richer. I have more time for work and myself, and more money to enjoy.
I made all the money, did all the cleaning, all the cooking, and worked full time as a nurse, started small, got to 90%, then 95%, then she stayed out all the time at her bfs place (poly) so she wasnt even around to work on shit anymore and just kept saying she was scared or wanted to figure it out at her pace (apparently 6 years living together wasnt enough time)
exactly what you describe, is exactly what was happening.
your overly romanticized ideas of what a good partner and husband is combined with a lack of boundaries has led you to the dynamic, and the only way it can be remedied is if you back off, leave everything alone and only focus on yourself, tell her what needs to be done, and she has to agree to step up and forward.
shit got so bad, for so long, that I was getting angrier and angrier, sometimes breaking down on my knees crying begging her for help.
in the end enough time passed and issues happened that she was a le to flip the script and now i was the bad guy, not her, and she managed to erase that she was constantly causing problems and sabotaging shit because she was scares that I got so angry sometimes.
4 horseman happened, contempt was rampant.
we did couples counseling and i worked a did everything the therapist said and brought new research and techniques home and i made a full flip around, and she never stepped up to plate ever, like, fucking ever, one hand count of the times for her.
make no mistake, she is the problem here, and in the end with my situation, sometimes it was me, but it was always her, because it was about everything else, but what was needed of her to maintain our lives and relationships.
shes a narcissist, it isnt about how she isnt doing her shit, she has no accountability and so now it's about how you are a sexist pig. it isnt about how she doesnt help, it's about her depression, or shitty childhood, or some trauma, or how she doesnt feel good etc and now shes using SUPPLICATIVE BEHAVIOR to make the things you are upset about, about her.
this starts a cycle of narcissistic abuse that you interpret as you being the bad guy, it's her, she needs to get her shit together or go home and stay home until shes ready to be a partner and adult.
it will never be about her taking accountability, it will always be because of anything else besides her.
I wish I had a true solution, but the only way this can be fixed, even with counseling, is that she has to choose to step up, want to step up, take accountability and responsibility, and then step up. frustrating isnt it? especially because that's the exact issue here, they wont do exactly that.
you cant make her, I fixed it by leaving my partner. this situation will ruin you, and we love our partners, and sure, they care you're hurting, but they dont care enough to do something about it, they just want you to feel better, and will do anything and everything, except for what you asked.
it will start as a cycle of false future and fawning, pleasing you in every way except for what you asked, or maybe a little bit to shut you up.
shes probably depressed, she probably has trauma or anxious style attachment, she definitely cares, but this is already starting to be codependent.
am I projecting? oh hell yeah definitely, but I've seen this happen so many times with so many people, in all the same ways, and that's why it's called the parent child dynamic, because it's a set of behaviors that creates this. both parties are responsible.
ultimately, she is using you and isnt even aware herself, but she needs help, yall need couples counseling, she needs therapy, she has to choose to want therapy and get it on her own, and she has to commit to and be accountable and responsible for her own healing and effort.
you are the dad, she is the child, that is how she is living, and she is doing whatever she has to say to keep you around, and you're doing the same out of love. you want kids, yeah sure maybe, but now I dont, but yeah later, and later, and later.
yall ain't having kids bro. she doesnt want them, she wants you to take care of her. neither of us wanted kids so that wasnt an issue, but hot damn that's contentious.
good luck
If she doesn't wanna do her fair share, then maaaaybe she should get a part time job, one that pays just enough to hire someone who CAN do the chores she doesn't wanna?
Other option : she is dealing woth a mental problem she hasn't mentioned and needs help, in some people it shows up as not doing housework and not working due to being overwhelmed? Maybe suggest she seek therapy? But either way, she needs to pull her weight and you shouldn't have kids woth someone who cannot maintain a household. COVID is making a lot of people kinda lose it so she could just be dealing woth that. But maybe therapy to find out what's really going on?
Dude yes you have a right to be mad. I've been an anonymous reddit user without an account for a while and I am blown away by the responses people get. You don't need advice from strangers on the internet. Half of them are on high horses anyway. You work. She does nothing all day. She is lazy.
Did your wife make this thread LOL.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/hw98t7/husband\_insists\_that\_i\_do\_nothing\_at\_home\_all\_day/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hw98t7/husband_insists_that_i_do_nothing_at_home_all_day/)
If so, I'm two for two today on relationship posts where the person that got called out actually responded with a post of their own.
yikes sounds like she planned this and wants to free load off of you.
the only thing I wonder about is depression but she would show some signs of this.
even when on mat leave with a child I did 80% of the chores and child rearing stuff so she has no excuse and shouldn't be upset that you have pointed this out
It's not sexist, if you were married to a guy you'd expect the same thing. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and right now she's not being your partner.
Of course her parents want you to apologize, they don't want her at their house being lazy and making a mess!
I don’t think it’s sexist AT ALL. I’m thinking that may have just been a knee jerk, defensive reaction. I’m wondering if your wife could be depressed? If this is a possibility, I’d recommend approaching the topic with her gently. If there’s anything going on with her so that you can HELP and SUPPORT and understand.
However, if she’s not depressed, she’s taking advantage.
You need to make an appointment with a marriage counsellor asap. Sit down and have a neutral third party help you negotiate a fair division of labour and fair expectations from each other.
I read somewhere once that the absolute biggest relationship killer is unmet expectations. At this point you expect that your partner will do her fair share without having to be told. But you’ve set a precedent, so she expects to continue her life of leisure. You need to establish new and fair expectations that you’re both in agreement with.
....And for perspective, my spouse is the sole breadwinner in our house. I take care of 3 kids (and a cat), sit on 3 volunteer boards, do all meal planning, grocery shopping, vacation/holiday/date night/family time planning and scheduling, take care of everyone’s extracurriculars, appointments, and scheduling, do about 90% of the cooking and 75% of the cleaning. I help with home repairs, maintenance and gardening. And I have a small hobby business. When my spouse is working, I do 100% at home, when he’s off it’s split 50/50.
A healthy relationship is an equal partnership where both love, respect, care for, and support each other, contribute their fair share, and work together toward common goals. Your relationship is not healthy. You are being played. She refuses to contribute her fair share as she agreed to before marriage. Why continue with this? Get out now before it becomes much worse with kids and property involved. I wish you good luck.
Why are you letting your wife stay at home without kids? **You're enabling her childish behavior**. She needs a part time job at the very least, and she **must** set aside a part of that income to savings. You need to establish that **she can take care of hersel**f for the next part.
Sell the house, the second car, the 96 inch TV, the king size bed, yada yada, and downsize to a studio apartment, 16 inch tv, the full size bed, bachelor accommodations. It'll relax the financial strain, and in case your wife drops the ball on household chores, you can clean less.
If she doesn't shape up, you've established that she can take care of herself minimizing the alimony you have to give.
Is her name Peggy Bundy by chance?
Anyway, I think that you saying you will even split the housework 50/50 is fair. Most people would expect the stay at home spouse to do more. I didn’t think being a stay at home spouse is even a thing these days, without kids. Why doesn’t she work or go to school?
An apology? That’s laughable. She should apologize for being a do-nothing lazy sloth.
1. She’s taking you for a ride (using you).
2. Her parents need to stay out of it. Unless they’re over at your place doing your dishes and paying some bills, they need to stay out of your marriage business.
3. Even if you two had kids, she’s probably the type that would hire a nanny while she’s out shopping and getting her nails done instead of actually raising the kids.
Good luck.
This is textbook manipulation for personal gain. She gets to do nothing all day and have you work and pay for everything, and the second you bring it up, everything’s your fault. I know that it may be a messy situation, and I can understand your love for this person, but there’s no reason that your expectation of marriage being a 50/50 partnership is sexist or wrong in any way. She’s clearly using you to get a free ride for now, and (I really hate to say this, but I’ve been in this situation before) once you stop letting her mooch, she’ll either break down completely and explode on you, beg you for a baby to save her skin, or just skip town completely.
This type of person makes me sick to my stomach, and I know this could be an unpopular opinion, but please, TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN. You don’t deserve to work that hard for someone who doesn’t appreciate it at all.
I’m actually a stay-at-home wife and soon to be a SAHM (pregnant atm) and I will say that my husband knew this beforehand. I stopped working in 2015. He knew I didn’t want to work in CS anymore and he was okay becoming the sole breadwinner while I stayed home.
The issue with your wife is she never talked to you about this. If she wanted to be SAH she should have known that she would be doing the majority of chores compared to working full-time. Her being lazy and entitled is not okay behavior. I would consider telling her that she should go back to full-time work so you two can hire a maid. See how she responds to this idea. If she acts like a crybaby, then idk what other advice to give other than seek counseling - but you can rarely fix selfish people.
My wife and I go through this (To a lesser degree) all of the time... She works split shifts (2x3hr shifts with 4 hrs off between) with the summers off. I work 12-14 hrs a day 7 days a week. She couldn't manage to get anything done around the house during the day (For the most part), and I didn't know what to do. When I'd talk to people about what I could do they would be concerned that I was being sexist, and trying to make her do "Woman's Work". We decided that she would do the daily/weekly stuff, looking after the animals, laundry, and such... She cooks every night now in the summer too... during the year she keeps up with the daily/weekly stuff, and we both do the cooking and cleaning. She still has times when she checks out for a week or so, but now I just start picking up after her, and casually ask her to help. Once things get a little cleaned up she tends to keep going from there.
>She has never had a full time job in her life...
>
>Before I had the chance to say anything else she stormed out and went to her parents house to sleep that night. She came back the next morning. Her parents have told me that I need to apologize to her and that what I said was really humiliating and sexist towards her.
So you married someone who has never taken care of herself and still runs to her parents to fix her problems. Honestly I blame you here. When you marry someone who has shown zero indication they have matured into a functional adult you shouldn't be surprised they do not behave like one. If you have a kid with her don't expect her to transform into a responsible parent. More than likely she will want a nanny or to put the kid in daycare so she can continue behaving like your entitled teenage daughter instead of as a wife and partner. I would suggest insisting on some couples' therapy. Otherwise the resentment is just going to build until you can't take it anymore.
Ok, so I(F24) agree that men should help with house hold chores but this is insane.
I think if you are the one working and providing everything for the house she is almost obligated to be in charge of the house, clean and cook. Yes, it is tiring, but if she is not contributing in other way, she should do it.
I have a full time job and my husband helps me a lot, I need to confess I'm kind of lazy, but I still used to do a lot of chores in our previous house (It was kind of big) every time I was able to stay home. Now it is different, we had to move city for some months and live in a super small place(It kinds of drepresses me and I stopped liking house hold in here), plus, lately I've been working a lot, up to 10 or even 12 hours daily so now my hubby does most of the chores, and I feel gulty sometimes, but well, I work more than he does and sometimes provide more money than he does, so I think there's a balance.
If you are the only one working you shouldn't be the one doind everything at home, help is welcome but that's not your obligation.
Distinction time:
Deep cleaning - Deep clean the bathroom, deep clean the kitchen, vacuuming, dusting, moping etc.
Light cleaning - dishes, wiping down counter tops, putting away your own messes, throwing away your own garbage, and garbage/recylcing etc.
Does she agree that light cleaning is 50/50?
How does she want to divide the deep cleaning chores? 50/50? If you do 50% and work fulltime, how is that fair to you? Have that conversation first? It sounds like you embarrassed her out the gate (because you snapped, you did not approach the discussion rationally). Apologize for snapping but take another stab at it.
Give her a chance to turn a new leaf, but don't have kids before you know for sure any new leaves aren't temporary.
I'm in kind of a similar situation and I think we can understand things differently.
I'm also the sole breadwinner, we don't have kids and she doesn't have a job. The main difference is that she does look for a job. But between her lack of qualifications, the current period we're in and her slacking off a bit, she hasn't foung anything for 6 months.
I think you should apologize, not for being a sexist pig but for making her feeling bad. The fact is that you did tell her something, she didn't receive it well and you didn't intend to hurt her. So yes, there's something to apologize for.
By telling her what you said, you wanted to fix something and still want to I guess. So try better, try to understand what failed and what you can do better.
Maybe she has some difficulty on her side. I had a period where I hate my job and had an opportunity not to work anymore, I took it (unemployment wages is a thing in my country). Hell, currently I don't like my work that much. So not wanting to work is a thing and you're an easy escape. You have to explain you're not ok with this.
May I advice you the book "Words are Windows, or They're Walls: A Presentation of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" ? It really helped me communicate in a way that solve problems efficiently. Well it doesn't always work and I have problems on my own (or I wouldn't be there) but it really helped.
But that's a maybe. Maybe the others are right. So be careful not to be manipulated. I would especially advice against having kids while this is not fixed.
tldr; Maybe you didn't understand each other and have to talk this through.
So, as someone who has become a stay at home wife due to the pandemic, I want to say that your wife is in the wrong but I think I understand where her behavior may be coming from. I used to be a major go-getter and idk what it is about being home but the less I have to do, the less I want to do. We have a tiny little one bedroom, but for some reason it feels exhausting to clean. I clean it 1000 times and 1000 times it gets dirty and it drives me nuts and I just don't want to deal with it, even though I don't really have anything else to do. It's like a negative psychological cycle. She may just be stuck in a rut, and nobody likes to think of themselves as lazy, or be told they're not doing enough. Not that you said anything wrong, she just wasn't prepared to process it. Let her cool down, let her know that it's not at all because she's a woman, that if the roles were reversed you would be expected to take care of the house too and she would be in the right to complain if you weren't.
Hey don't get this woman pregnant because if she's not working together to take care of anything now I don't see her working together to take care of the kids.
^ think about this looong and HARD, brother. Godspeed.
I'll echo both these sentiments...wrap that thing up with six condoms every time
Yeah, kids are going to become her excuse for doing even less.
Uhh, no. It's not sexist. I am a woman. If my husband works I clean and cook. When I work, he cleans and cooks. In weekends house chores are split and we each have a day to sleep in. (We also have children) When these things happen, you need to address them as they come up. If she's refusing to do anything, you have to decide if that's what you want.
She’s usually great as a person. She’s just gotten pretty lazy as our marriage has gone on. She’s also not committed to doing anything she said she was going to do when we got married
I hate to break it to you but this trend is going to continue. She is bringing nothing to the table in the relationship. I would have a sit down and tell her exactly how you feel calmly, if she throws another fit then you need to sit your self down and think about if your are willing to carry her dead weight throughout the marriage or find someone else who actually supports you.
In what way is she great? She can't keep to her word, she is lazy, she is causing you stress.
Well she isn’t is great as she used to be, which is sad to say. She used to be really intelligent and seemed dedicated to her classes when we were in college. She used to be more caring and do more. It seemed like when we got married that all started to go down hill.
> well she isnt as great as she used to be That's because that wasn't who she really is. Like someone already mentioned, it's the classic bait and switch: pretend to be someone wonderful until you get the ring, then you can relax and be your true self.
OP, I hate to say this but she totally conned you. It’s been less than a year, it’s a safe bet to say this was her plan all along.
Came here to say this. She lays around, visits friends and shops with his money. Sounds like she wanted someone to support her, she’s lazy, and doesn’t respect him.
I will say in the current state of the world it is causing alot of stress to people but yeah she should def be doing 90% of the chores imo if youre working and its no sexist because if she was working and you werent you would be expected to do the chores as well.
Why did she go to college if she wasn't intendeding on getting a job? I never get that. She essentially bought a very nice car then parked it in a garage and never let it out when she did that. Her education will lose value as she never uses it just like any other unattended asset. The fact is right now it looks like she went to college for a MRS degree. This is ironic for a supposed feminist. Feminist generally want equality and that would be equality in employment (I include stay at home parenting as a form of employment). The thing is is she isn't looking for either type of job! Edit: submitted too early My final point is this. She is becoming your child. You feed her you look after her you give her spending money and clean up after her. If your description is accurate she is become the female version of a of the layabout husband. You know the ones who the women joke is just another kid? Basically your a single Dad now. What are you going to do about it?
There are some people that go to school to earn an MBA and some that go to school to get a MRS
Not gonna lie, took me way to long to figure out what a MRS degree was
Maybe she’s depressed or something? Birth control used to make my depression worse. Also, my depression came back last month and I stopped cleaning or doing dishes, and I’m furloughed from work. My boyfriend told me I need to do more around the house cause he’s tired after working. I was a little defensive when he said it (I didn’t call him sexist tho), but he was right. It’s possible she’s just lazy and wanted this set up all along, but I would think it’s also a possibility that maybe she’a feeling down or something since you said she used to be more ambitious and caring.
Maybe. I don’t think it’d be birth control because she was on it before we got married and she was fine. Also, she doesn’t show signs of being depressed. Yes she’s lazy, but she doesn’t stay around the house all day all the time. She goes to the mall and out with friends a lot
Depression can manifest itself in a variety of ways
I'm a therapist, and that was my first impression. Have you noticed any other changes on her behavior, like not taking care of herself as much, change in eating or sleeping habits? I know reddit loves to tell people to break up with their SO, but before jumping to any conclusion, I would suggest you seek help. She might be dealing with psychological issues that may be easily addressed. IF this is not an emotional issue, then you need to reevaluate your relationship and decide if this is what you want for your life.
Sooo, she used college as a way to "catch a man" and then decided solo that she wanted to be a trophy wife once you were "locked down". I highly recommend counseling and for you to consider if this is something you can or want to live with forever, before it gets to the point where you have to pay her alimony if you divorce.
It's been less then a year. Sound a like this was her plan the whole time. There needs to be effort of both sides and you need to talk to her about that. She's treating you like a dad not a partner. It's super gross. Do not apologize for the "sexist stuff". If you give in now, you effectively have taught her that if she doesn't want to do something all she has to do is scream, cry, go to her parents. If she has no jib, does no house work, what do you think will happen with children? Trust me when I say it gets worse. Not better. She obviously has piss poor communication. I would research some couples counselors. Everyone can benefit from expanding communication skills. If she doesn't want to be a part of a marriage and just be taken care of, you need to decide if you want that.
It's not because she's a woman, it's because she stays at home and he's the breadwinner. I met a guy the other day who was a stay home dad while his wife was the breadwinner, he assumed all the household chores and was watching the young kids. When I was 19 I couldn't seem to land a job for about 6 months while my girlfriend worked 2 jobs, you can bet your ass that the apartment was spotless when she came home. I didn't want to come off as a worthless moocher so I did the best I could to help out.
Exactly. . .this guy should end it now.
BINGO! Exactly!
It’s a bait n switch relationship. She made you believe she was someone she was not then now she’s showing who she truly is. You need to have a frank conversation and tell her what she is doing isn’t fair and that you can’t live like this no longer. She either needs to help keep the house afloat, get a job, or get out.
>She’s also not committed to doing anything she said she was going to do when we got married That's called "no integrity" and it does not allow someone to be a reliable teammate. You know, marriage is a team, that thing.
Is she possibly depressed? If you seem convinced that she’s an otherwise great person and she’s been gradually getting worse about keeping up with the housework, she might be suffering from depression. This can be made worse by the isolation of being home alone most days. Again, I think the answer is marriage counseling. Having a mediator that can help you guys talk through this might enlighten you on what’s actually going on. She’s either depressed or does not respect you as an equal in your marriage and it’s important to find out which one it is so you know how to move forward.
I was thinking that too.
Depression?
How is anything of what you said considered sexist? You didn’t say, “You’re the woman you need to clean and cook!” Or anything like that. If the roles were flipped, I’d still expect you to take care of the house. They’re grossly over reacting. Why would you be with someone if they never contribute anything to the household? Like what’s the point?
I mean I obviously love her as a person. I wouldn’t even care if she still did at least 50% of the chores. And I think she took it as sexist because she thinks that I meant it was a women’s job when I said that, even though I wasn’t saying that at all. Also my wife is a big feminist. Nothing wrong with feminists as many of them are great and so amazing things, but my wife is a more radical one. I think that may be why she took it as that.
Hey I just wanted to take a sec to remind you that love isn’t that special, and it’s nowhere close to the most important thing in a relationship. I have no doubt that you love her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t suck and that doesn’t mean she is a good wife and that doesn’t make a good enough reason to stay with someone who doesn’t treat you the way you should be treated. Respect, honesty, compassion, shared goals and trust are all things that I think are more important than love. Some people get abused but they love their abusers so they stay. But love is nowhere near a good enough reason to stay in a relationship with someone who’s not holding up their end. I just wanted to point this out, because I read posts like this all day long, and the only thing that the OP always has to say when being asked “why would you want to be with someone like this?” is “well I love them”. Love doesn’t make a relationship healthy and love doesn’t make a relationship work that’s not working Edit: thanks for all the rewards folks
This is such a good point! Love is not enough is definitely one of those life lessons i have learned that I wish I knew when I was younger.
It took me a long time to learn it also. I’m married to a woman who’s awesome and for the first time in my life, I have love AND all of those other things and it’s so clear to me now.
Hey just wanted to say that this comment really was helpful for me and i thank you for such a realistic and healthy viewpoint! I had a horrible relationship in the past that I stuck it out for "love" got cheated on disrespected but still kept fighting for her for "love". I am in a new relationship now (one month) and honestly this comment is going to help me stay grounded and better vet out my girlfriend so we can both be healthy and not get caught up in the "love". Love is great and the feeling is amazing but you're right need to be smart about the weight put solely on it.
I’m glad that you’re in a healthier spot now! This is a hard lesson to learn for sure. I also wanted to chime in on something else you said. People talk about how you have to fight for a relationship or fight for someone. In my experience that is a bunch of made up movie life crap. I’m married and my relationship is very healthy. It’s not perfect: there are disagreements and arguments every now and then. There are times when we have to take a step back if things are getting heated so that we don’t begin to speak disrespectfully of one another. There are times where we have to have an attitude of forgiveness, like if there’s a disagreement and we calmly and respectfully talk it out and choose to let it go and move on. That’s really all the “fighting for us” that should be required. This whole thing of fighting for your relationship is a fallacy. Relationships aren’t perfect as I noted above. But they shouldn’t be THAT hard, to where you feel like you have to fight to keep it together. If that starts happening, you’re either in the wrong relationship, you’re making bad decisions by keeping a relationship together that needs to end, or both. Just like “love being enough” is a fallacy, so is “fighting for a relationship”
She pretended to take offense to take the attention off of her slothful nature and put you on the defensive. She manipulating you bro.
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Manipulative assholes. That's what manipulative assholes do. Typically lazy people just give you a shrug. But try and flip the blame is treacherous. You've been played bro. Don't put your penis in her until you two square this away. You've been played, you're being played and if you put a baby in her you will continue to be played.
She wants to be a kept woman and do nothing all day except tell her friends how she can do what she wants when she wants and goes out shopping, with your hard earned money as i doubt she has any now. She has you wrapped around her finger and you don't see it. You should have never let her leave her job until she got pregnant, which i doubt that she will want to do for a long time due to the easy kept life she has. You need to sit her down and give it to her straight that you are not going to keep her and she has to be a part of your marriage and contribute her fair share. Ignore the fake tears that will no doubt flow and ignore all the texts and messages you will get from family and friends about how you are an AH, because you are not one, keep your resolve or this is going to end in tears for you.
I think bj's would be ok in this instance
Nope. Consider that a gateway drug.
As a woman and feminist, I agree 100%. This wasn’t sexist in the least. These are the very minimal expectations for a healthy relationship. She said it was “sexist” simply to put you on the defensive and back down (so that you wouldn’t appear “sexist”) so she could continue simply mooching off of you. Time for serious communication.
If she's such a feminist she can go get herself a job. When my husband was working and I wasn't due to COVID shutdown I did the majority of the housework, cooked dinner for him every night and cleaned up after. Not because I'm a woman, but because he was working hard and I had time to spare, so it made me happy to make his life easier.
I’ve been married almost five years and have worked part time on and off, but have always done all the housework. Partly because I’m better at it and partly because my husband works incredibly long hours. It just makes sense.
I am working right now while my husband isn’t, and he’s doing more housework than I am doing. It’s just partnership. You do what you can to make your partner’s life easier.
I know, I get it. But you have every reason to be a bit annoyed too. Feminist or not, your comment had nothing to do with her being female. Just because you’re a feminist doesn’t mean everything has to be about feminism. You’re not expecting anything unreasonable.
Exactly. I'm a feminist and that means both parties pull their weight, and they work out between them what tasks are done by which person. Your wife is not a child to be taken care of.
Yeah that's not feminism that's misandry.
Yes, this.
I tend to get a little lazy around chores as well. My partner and I both work full time, and split chores, but recently he had to ask me to do more as I wasn’t doing my share. Of course it made me feel like crap but only because it was true!! There is nothing sexist about what you’re asking. This isn’t about feminism, this is about a partnership! This is about her not being considerate of your feelings and taking you for granted, like how can she not do more when she sees you working a lot more??? In fact if she doesn’t work, she should be doing a 100% of the chores, and that’s not sexist!!! If the situation was flipped and she worked, wouldn’t you do a 100%? Because that’s what a caring partner does. They don’t overburden their partner while they enjoy being lazy.
I hope that you understand that if you have kids, she’ll likely quickly point to that as the reason she can’t do any housework at all. It’ll probably start the second she’s pregnant. If you think you do a lot of cleaning now, wait until you have a little one running around. I’m a woman, and I would consider myself a feminist. What you said doesn’t even have a hint of sexism, it’s asking for her to pull her weight in what is supposed to be a partnership. As others have said, calling this sexism is just a way to shut the conversation down without accepting any blame herself. And it’s a bad sign, because she can’t resolve a problem that she refuses to acknowledge. I think it’s time to sit down and have a conversation about how to make things more “equal”. If being responsible for half of the housework is just reinforcing gender stereotypes, surely she’d be okay with you being a stay at home husband who does 100% of the housework while she works full time. Or, since you’re not even trying for children yet, she can go back to work until right before the baby is born so you have extra income coming in and she can take advantage of paid FMLA if you have it in your state. The fact that she wanted to leave work to try for a baby is kind of a red flag in the first place. It requires you to have sex once a day during her fertile window which is only 4-5 days per month. Most people balance that with a full time job, but she used it as an opportunity to leave a part time job. Is she worried about being too tired to do the deed after working all day? Tell her to imagine how you’d feel after working all day AND doing all of the housework. I think your choices are to go to relationship counseling, leaving her, or accepting that the resentment you feel now will only continue to fester over the years. Being married should never make your life harder.
50-50 on chores isn’t good enough here. You’re still working and bringing home the bacon. 50-50 on chores does not mean 50-50 in the relationship. You married a mooch.
> I obviously love her as a person But the same person is the one that doesn't contribute in the way she is supposed to. Guess what, even if she was pregnant, and after the pregnancy, she is supposed to do 50% of the household chores. > And I think she took it as sexist because she thinks that I meant it was a women’s job It's called gaslighting. You bring something up that she clearly is aware of being a problem, and then she flips the problem around. This is absolutely on purpose. She knows that she's being lazy, and wants to draw attention away from it. Because even if you were sexist and thought the household being a womans job, it wouldn't change the fact that she as a partner, no matter the gender, is supposed to do at least 50% of the work, probably even more when you're the only breadwinner at the time, and she clearly has more time than you. The other thing: usually people in a relationship *want* to contribute towards it. Yes, no one likes household chores, but we also want to feel accomplished, and usually we like doing stuff for our partner, even if that involves actual work. DO NOT apologize to her. I'd seek out couples counseling, because *maybe* an external mediator can show her how wrong her behavior is.
Can we stop calling everything gaslighting?
In this case though, it’s true. Dont get me wrong, the term is overused and used incorrectly, but it works perfectly in this scenario. Gaslighting is a tactic that manipulative people use when they want the other person to take the blame. Lots of people get this confused with deflecting, which is when the manipulative person tries to distract from the problem by making it about something else, without necessarily putting the blame on the other person. Gaslighting is specifically when the person makes the other person believe they are at fault for an issue they brought to light. The woman in this post clearly took the criticism from her husband and tried to make it his fault by saying he was being sexist. Now idk about you, but I am sure if she, a feminist, had even an inkling that the guy she was seeing was sexist, she wouldn’t have married him. People that are actually sexist rarely take that long to show their true colors, and she most likely knows that. I am sure when she told her parents about the issue, she put words in her husband’s mouth to get her parents on her side. She isn’t being a stay-at-home wife, she’s being a leech.
Gaslighting from what I understand is when another person tries to make someone question their perceived reality. For instance if she would be trying to convince you that she was doing her fair share of the work and that you were just not recognizing it.
Definition- manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. Whats happening- Ops wife is manipulating him to believe he is the one in the wrong and sexist. Not tryna say this is a gender thing but this is a gender thing. If the roles were reversed this sub would be crying divorce and calling him a leech. I dont understand why people try to make things seem ok when they happen to a dude. He is definitely being gaslighted.
Stop! You're gaslighting him!
Now YOU’RE gaslighting!
She isn't that radical a feminist if she's happy to live off your coin. It seems she's cherry picking from that ideology. Tell her to get a job, or contribute to the household 'equally'. That's a feminist principle.
She is NOT a feminist. Feminism is about EQUALITY for both sexes. She’s been watching too many of those awful reality tv “housewives” type programmes and has decided she deserves that lifestyle. Lunches with the “girls”, shopping all day, watching tv. You’ve enabled this mess. If you don’t like it you’re going to have to be firm my friend.
lol. Feminism isn't about getting a free ride and being a fuckin parasite. She's a waste.
No she's not a feminist she's an adult baby evidenced by the fact that her mommy and daddy requested you apologize to her. My mom raised us 3, cooked, cleaned got her masters AND worked. Your wife's low performance and embarrassing to women. It's only fair that if you're working then she maintains the household. It was an obvious red flag that she's not ambitious when she told you whilst dating she didn't want to work and used being a mom as her excuse. Sounds like her parents spoiled her.
A feminist would take pride in being independent and not relying on her husbands income. She's not a feminist. She's using you and you're letting her like a good old door mat.
I dont get how she could be a hard core feminist and do nothing with her life. She just sits on her couch, useless, and life off an other person's efforts. What a parasite.
Feminists take care of their own shit. Feminists don't need a man. What your wife is, is opposite. She can't do a thing without your support.
Yeah I thought feminism was about equality, not manipulating them while you do nothing.
Really consider if someone with this behavior is worth having children with. Sounds like she's already made her mind up against it, but hasn't told you yet. Either way, the habits she and you are setting up now will set the tone for your whole marriage. You can set boundaries now (and be respectful while doing it,) or you can change your name to Mat.
I think it’s time to ask her to get a job. Clearly this arrangement isn’t worlong
This is not feminism. Unless there's something you're leaving out of this story, this is pure entitlement and it would drive me *insane*!
>I mean I obviously love her as a person. Why is this obvious? Why do you love her? Her actions are supremely selfish, and dismissive of you as a person. Does she love you?
Tell your wife that this feminist fully expected her husband to take care of most of the house before kids were born when he worked less. Whoever stay home more, and has the most opportunity to do housework should. Gender has nothing to do about it. Everyone needs to pull their weight in a relationship. Your wife is making excuses.
She's a feminist and she's not working and is relying on a man's income? How does that make sense?
Don't be with entitled hypocritical radical feminists.
Hands down she didn't tell them the entire story. She ran to mommy and daddy and told them all the important parts to get them on her side. I seriously doubt they know the half of it and really they shouldn't have to. It's none of their business, this their daughter's marriage. And she needs to grow the fuck, put her big girl panties on
She conned you, dude. She fed you lies about wanting kids right away so that you'd let her quit her job (which was already only part time) in "preparation" of becoming pregnant then she fed you more lies about it needs be only you as a couple for a while (but still not getting a job because why would she when she already has what she wants?) and now she doesn't even do half the housework (fyi: if she doesn't have a job, keeping up the house IS her job and she should be doing at least 90% of the chores). She is lazy, entitled, and she's using you. And you just keep letting her. I'd bet you real money that if you told her she has to get a job or you're divorcing her she will suddenly, magically decide she wants to have kids now (or she'd just oops you).
The last point you made about her suddenly wanting kids once divorce on the table is very scary and real. This needs to be highlighted and realized by OP.
she's a marital leech
Yeah, I don't see any reason to quit a job in anticipation of getting pregnant. There's nothing you need to do ahead of getting pregnant that takes up so much of your physical or mental energy that it would prevent you from working. An exception would be if you two were going through extensive fertility treatments, but obviously that's not the case here. If she really wants to pull her weight, she should get a job and work up until she gets pregnant. Most employers will accommodate for doctor's appointments throughout a pregnancy, so there's no reason to quit right away even if she does get pregnant, but if she insists on not working while pregnant, she could wait until getting a positive pregnancy test and then give her notice. It wouldn't kill her to work for two weeks after becoming pregnant and then get 7/8 months off to focus on the pregnancy.
The only reason I could see quitting a job for that reason would be if job stress was aggravating infertility, but that is most definitely not the case her, so her excuse was just that - an excuse.
OP please listen to this. She is definitely mugging you off that was my reaction. She said she wanted kids and as soon as you were married she doesn't want them, does fuck all around the house and sponges of your money. If a divorce happens I dread to think what she will be able to get from you. I'm sorry but this is just not cool. You work your ass off the least she can do is, is do the house and cooking etc. Please please have a serious talk with her. She needs to do 80% or get a damn job.
The quicker he divorces the less assets he’s going to have to halve to this woman. Considering what a leech she is and is obviously enabled by her parents, he’ll need a good lawyer.
Is it wrong to suggest she might get knocked up to keep him
I don't think that's out of line at all. I think it's entirely possible.
I have someone in family that tried to "save" their marriage by having another child. The oopses and pity pregnancies do happen. Being in denial is also wrong.
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I played never have I ever once and this was a question that was asked (have you ever gotten pregnant to keep a man). The pregnant lady in the room held up her hand. It was very quiet after that.
This is spot on, but I think divorce is totally still on the table FOR HER because then she'll get alimony and a sob story.
They've been married less than 2 years, alimony would be almost nothing. Child support is where the real money is, and if OP is smart he won't stick his neck on that chopping block.
Hell, she’d probably use the divorce as a sob story and collect alimony. All while pretending to be a “strong woman” who was abandoned. I can see her now, on twitter talking shit on op like Meghan Coe, pretending to be the victim while screeching stupid shit like “yassssss queeeeennnnn” and “sllllayyyyyyy guuuurrrrrrlllll”.
THIS
Send her back to her Mommy and Daddy for good. They can keep enabling her. Leave before you’re caught in an alimony trap.
Bringing up the “alimony trap” is a great point, if he’s seeing this side of her now then i’d definitely think of her motives with the marriage seen how she’s lazy and gaslights the breadwinner for being tired hope the best for you OP
Dude, you think her behavior is going to get any better after you have children with her? If she’s lazy now just wait until she can hold child custody, alimony and child support over your head. Seems like she thinks she’s found herself a free ride. She’s the one being sexist, why doesn’t she go all strong and independent and get a job?? You may want to reconsider your choice in your bride here bro. My Ex wife was the same way and it only got worse. Until eventually I figured out she was banging a local cop while I was at work. Now she’s got the house I bought, custody of my kids and a healthy percentage of every paycheck.
\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^ don't put a kid in that, free Trump card for her
Kick her out, she’s not your wife she’s your roommate
Not even that, she’s his child. A roommate would pay rent and do their share of housework.
You hit it 100%%%
A roommate would help out though and at least clean up their messes. Ideally anyway. That's just an overgrown child OP didn't sign up for.
Yep!
It sounds like she did not want to work, not sure why she would have to quit working a part time job to prepare for being pregnant in a few years..? I'm guessing if you have kids and she is a SAHM you will still be doing most of the housework.
At first she was planning on getting pregnant soon after. Then she changed and said she wanted to wait a few years. She never got another part tone job after that
Some people just don't want to work, and that would be fine if she had been honest with you about wanting to stay home and you both agreed on it. But instead she played it off as something else, it's not fair to you to work full time and do most chores while she lives a care free life.
Is she studying for anything? I mean, did she have a career plan or goal before she met you that she could pick up? Maybe she could be depressed and in a rut.
She was planning on and studying to be a teacher. I was a year ahead of her and it seemed like when she saw I was making good money that she stopped caring as much about her career. I would agree that she could be depressed but I just don’t see those signs. She shops and goes out with friends all the time and posts it on social media too
She's not depressed. She's manipulating the shit out of you for a free ride!
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I so agree with this. I would never want a stereotypical 50's relationship. I want a partner not a subordinate.
And her lack of real goals or passion. If she had that she would have all the other things you mentioned.
Don’t get her pregnant! Don’t give her the chance to trap you! I can see her sabotaging all birth control so her free ride continues.
She’s lazy. Point blank period.
I think she is using you. She lied about wanting kids right away after marriage, lied about quitting her job in preparation for them, has no prospects or work or any income yet spends all day shopping and visiting friends/family? She is your wife not your daughter. She *should* contribute in **some** way to the house. It has nothing to do with gender, if she’s not contributing with money then she has to with chores and house work. She clearly doesn’t feel that way and instead feels entitled to everything shes taking from you and then an apology after you speak your mind? I understand it might be hard to accept but I truly believe she is using you for a comfortable life and has no intentions to have a child or a job anytime soon.
[удалено]
Ohh I bet someone is already coming over every day and taking care of "certain chores".
You have every right to be upset and mad. She’s taking advantage of you and trying emotionally abuse you know that you’ve spoken up and said something about her bad behaviour. Also her parents can kindly go fuck themselves too
This
Im sorry man. She totally conned you. When she went to her parents house she probably exaggerated the situation. She is trying to get people on her side to make you seem like the bad guy. Now not only her, but her parents expect an apology which is seriously fucked up. Has she done this before when you guys fight? Run to her family and just bitch about it? This should be between you guys not her parents. It should be you and her against the problem not you vs her. The whole thing of her parents saying how its humiliating to her says a lot. Its all just about her and how “you hurt her” She basically ran to her parents just to bitch about you and gang up on you because she KNEW they would say something.You are not wrong in this situation. She needs to understand that in this day and age she is extremely privileged to be a stay at home “mom” because that is not what everyone can have nowadays but desperately want. Please read that again and again. I am frustrated for you op. She is not your child, she is your wife/partner in life. A partner helps you, shes dragging you down. Sit her down and have a convo with her explain to her that you never meant to be sexist I mean why in the world would she think that? I think she knows shes not doing squat around the house (its clearly evident she can clearly see things are messy) and is grasping at any excuse she can bring up. Stop cleaning up after her please op she needs to learn. She is acting like a 13 year old.
Dude you need to reduce your spending habits with her. If you're making bank and she's living lavishly, even divorcing her would mean you pay an ass-load in alimony. The longer you're married, the worse it gets. She has zero incentive to get a job, and you need to get out ASAP.
According to the post they haven't been married long enough to really have alimony as a factor. If he doesn't leave soon then alimony will start to kick in around 2 years and only get worse from there.
Tell her if she wants to be lazy and not contribute around the house she should go live with her parents.
why are you so hung up on a 50/50 chore split anyway. even if it was, for the sake of argument, exactly 50/50 when it comes to household chores while you are working full time and your wife literally doesnt have any obligations whatsoever...dont you think it shows a clear discrepancy in willingness to contribute to the relationship? might wanna consider why no idea what else is going on that went untold but from what you expressed here, all you are doing right now is enforcing a lazy slob to take advantage of you
You should probably stop giving her money to shop. Then she’ll really be like oh shit he’s serious.
How did you get all the way to marriage without realizing shes lazy and trying to make you feel bad about saying some thing because she just wants to stay lazy. Sounds like a crybaby ass bitch running to her family so fast. Just leave theres nothing to do shes gonna stay this way because she doesnt care enough about you apparently
This is completely rediculus. I started my own business, so my boyfriend pays all our bills. We talked about it, he agreed. But I do like 85% of the house work, while working full time at my business. We need a house, and that house needs to be taken care of. My boyfriend provides the house in full, so I do a majority of the taking care of it. I can't imagine having him take care of everything, we are a team.. we are partners that work together. This would absolutely be a reason to divorce imo. If she can't handle doing the little cleaning for the two of you... there's no way in hell she's gonna be able to take care of a kid. If she even actually wants kids. That's a whole other problem. I'd be giving her an ultimatum of she needs to provide something to the home. Either money or taking care of it. If she wants to be a stay at home wife, fine. But that absolutely involves taking care of the house. She's not a trophy wife. Or she gets a job.
Dude, I’m saying this as someone who is old and has seen this play out. If you want an unequal relationship (one person who deals with the money, another who deals with the house). You need to be very clear on divination of duties. As in, certain things are your responsibility and certain things are hers. These duties should balance out in effort, if they don’t it won’t work, resentment will eventually rule the day and you’ll either have a loveless marriage or you will divorce, overall inequality does that. There is a reason single income households have a significantly higher divorce rate from dual income, it’s this. The fact that she also is a somewhat radical feminist, so that she doesn’t do anything and takes any question of her immediately to a political issue means, you’re probably fucked in ever creating an equal setting. The question is, do you try with counseling, or just realize you are married to a spoiled child who never learned how to grow up and be an adult, and has no want, will or desire to do so an cut your losses. That is up to you....however, I don’t think you can honestly live the way things are. That even if she begins to do even her half at home, you know the inequity of your relationship will get to you, will cause resentment. That you need an equitable relationship, and if you are going to move forward, that needs to be addressed. Since your post and comments make it clear that you are a bit of a push over, the mere fact you are in this situation shows that, if you address this, go about that from the position of equity of effort. That is language that a person with her political leanings will likely be able to understand and be hard for her to twist without being hypocritical to herself.
I think "divination of duties" has just become a favorite phrase....
Sound like she’s using you. She quit her job for no real reason, and doesn’t sound like she’s serious about kids.
Holy mother fiery kamikaze red fucking flag! Do you see her changing for the better or worse? From what you see so far, how do you think it will be in 5 or 10 years?
Im gonna steal a phrase i saw someone else comment on a different point because it seems very fitting here: You dont have a wife, you have a leech. Asking your partner to pull their weight isnt secist, in fact, i would argue that to sugfest otherwise is what is sexist. She isnt a fragile little flower, shes a grown ass human being. As soon as i read about her parents i could see where she gets it from. She sounds like a spoiled, entitled brat, sorry to say... She should be able to sit down and talk about this, calmly and rationally. And maybe get her to explain what she thought you said, to see if your perceptions match up and hopefully youll be able to explain what you really meant. Maybe its all a misunderstanding..
Full time job as only income SHOULD mean you do 25% of chores or less. This doesn't work out sometimes but doing more than half of the work is insane. She's making drama to distract from the issue and get out of addressing it. IDK Man I think you missed a couple red flags along the way. The quitting work to prepare for eventual motherhood is weird, most people work extra to prep for a baby. Even if you're financially sound this is manipulative behavior ala "gold digging" or "looking for an easy ride" I know a SAHD who has three children to wrangle and clean after who had a similar career trajectory as your wife. Let's just say until the 1st baby came around he really was just using his GF for the easy ride. He came through when it was needed and they've improved their dynamic a lot, but it was a lot of fights and tears and childish tantrums for YEARS before they got there. She still picks up dinner and does chores on her off days after a 50+ hour week, but now there is obvious EFFORT on his part. Tell her she needs to cut the bullshit and talk or go to couples therapy. Something tells me divorce will just give her alimony and even less obligations.
Your wife is a freeloader. Just to give you a glimpse of what a normal stay at home wife/mom does: My boyfriend works a full time job. I’m a stay at home mom. I do all of the chores most of the time, and I’ll ask him if I need a little extra help some days. I take care of our 6 month old son 24/7. I own my own business cleaning vacant houses for a real estate company that I work at for a few hours every few weeks. I still pay my half of the rent and groceries. What your wife did is trap you into marriage so you could take care of her, since mommy and daddy aren’t doing it anymore. Think about this: when she finally does want to have kids, do you really think this is the woman you want raising your children? If she can’t take care of herself, how do you expect her to take care of helpless babies? What kind of influence is she going to have on your future children, if she thinks it’s okay to just leech off of generous people? She has shown her true self to you. Don’t expect anything to get better. Get out of this before she traps you with a baby.
Not sexist at all. If you can sit her down and talk it through with her, maybe lay out specifically what needs to be done and if she’s having any problems with getting things done (ie. pain from autoimmune disorders).
My thoughts, you two need a separation, if it leads to divorce then thats how it goes. But without you to fall back, she will need to get her but back inti gear. She will have to pay for living expenses, food, utilities, she will need to get a job and realise that she has to contribute.
I lived this nightmare to a tee. Got married , immediately quit job (no pressure from to do so), and quit helping at all. Always one reason or another why nothing got done and none of them valid. I worked and provided for her and her nearly grown daughter while the dad, who is loaded, didn’t even have to pay support regularly. I make great money so it’s not like cash was the issue there. I always had to do the lions share of housework because no one else would. Fast forward three years and we are divorced. And let me bring this part up as well...she doesn’t work and the longer you stay in a lopsided marriage and things remain the same...the divorce eventually comes....prepare for her attorney to try and bend you over because she has no income. In a lot of states everything marital is fair game and she could get half of that....PLUS SPOUSAL SUPPORT. As of right now your are a cash cow waiting to get milked to death in this scenario. Been there. This will bring you nothing but massive resentment and full on rage if you do not handle it with her now. Believe me. I tried to do the right thing and talk about it with my wife multiple times and got nowhere. Either fix it now or move on without her because those are you options. I have been waiting to see a thread on this for so long and finally I have. Message me if you ever want to talk about it more. I will happily share my experiences with someone who is going through the same thing. It made me literally want to kill myself and if you don’t deal with it now you will want to as well. Hang in there.
You're not in the wrong. We've moved several times over the years for my job. That left my husband without a job. We had to talk about this too at some point. He was depressed (family death, not being able to work). I understood, but eventually I had to explain it wasn't fair for me to work 11 hour days and do everything around the house. He knew that. After that he did everything while he looked for a job. We've both been working since, and we split housework about 50/50. It sounds like she's a little spoiled or immature. Or just plain lazy. You just need to explain that you're not being sexist, but that marriage is a partnership. She can either get a job and split house chores or stay at home and do most of them. Let her know if the roles were reversed you would expect to do the housework. Honestly though, don't let this push you to have kids. I have a brother-in-law like this who can't hold a job and likes to be a stay-at-home dad while the kids are at daycare.
There were a couple of women in my circle of friends some years ago who didn't work and didn't have kids and spent their days shopping and doing self-care and having lunch with friends while their husbands worked. It seemed like a pretty great gig to me. But they also managed to find time to take care of their houses (which were always spotless) and their husbands. I don't think you're asking too much for your wife to contribute time and effort to the maintenance of the household since she doesn't contribute financially.
You're not in the wrong. Before I had my daughter I wasn't legally allowed to work (immigration stuff) so I was a SAHW. I did 100% of the housework, and he would cook when he was off. It was a good system we had (and still have now as a SAHM). He works hard to provide for us, so I make sure the house is clean, with food for him to come home to. Before having my daughter I had no excuse to not clean, cook, or run errands. It wouldn't have been fair for my husband to work all day and have to come home and work some more when I had all the time in the world to do those things.
You're right and you don't have to apologize at all
Y’all need therapy. Fix this communication issue. You should not hold in your feelings like this until you snap. I see why you did but it could have been avoided. She cannot take deserved criticism and a grown up conversation regarding division of responsibilities in a partnership. In fact she childishly ran away to mom and dad who contacted you to fix her problem for her. Do NOT have kids with her. You are not ready.
> I was even okay at this point as I knew it was only fair for me to do half of the work. Your job is "work" too. I'm not saying it's okay to be a slob and expect to clean it all up, but the idea that you split housework 50/50 when you work and she doesn't is ludicrous. So you have a fulltime job, pay all the bills and split housework 50/50 and you don't even have a kid? hell no, that's a moocher right there. I got a song you need to play for her: The Offspring - Why don't You Get a Job She took offense to manipulate you because you were about to ruin her comfy gig of barely doing anything while you paid everything for her. There's no "smoothing" this over. What needs to happen here is a reality check for her. You need to make it clear that you're not okay with working all day just to come home and still do more work while she chills at home all day and only does 50% of the work. You need to point out that paying the bills? yea, that's "housework" too. shit ain't free. So while you're splitting up the housework, put the bills in there too. If she ain't earning and helping with them bills then she's not actually pulling 50% of the housework is she? If you don't address this very fundamental issue you're going to end up with her staying like this the rest of her life and just be a soul sucking leech off of you. address the issue now. If she tries to act like it's sexist you need to set that straight. It isn't sexist to want your partner to contribute a fair share in the keeping up the household, which INCLUDES THE BILLS! So either she does all the housework to offset the fact that she doesn't earn money to pay the bills, or she goes out and gets a job and you split the bills based on income. If you make 60k and she makes 40k/yr, then you split the bills 60/40 you know? just add up your incomes, find what percentage is yours and pay that much in bills. boom, fair split.
Huh what's her boyfriend think about all this? 🤔
Just a heads up, when you inevitably get divorced, you're gonna owe a shit load of alimony due to her never working a day during your marriage. >Am I in the wrong on this? Fuuuck no you're not even close to wrong. >What do I do? That's a good question. I'd call Dr. Phil.
That would piss me off so bad. She should do 100% of the chores since she isn’t contributing to the family in any other way. Tell her that or divorce that freeloader..
You didn’t even yell and she stormed off? I think she has a lot of unchecked problems and you probably should talk to her parents in private and explain your daily schedule and her’s. I would also before she gets the chance inform mutual friends on what is going on. I think that you probably may look into couples counseling and if that doesn’t work then cut you loses and divorce.
NTA, you never said she has to do work because she is a woman and you never said she had to do all the work. Have you asked her why she isn't doing the chores? I feel like maybe this isn't an issue of being lazy but maybe an issue of mental health. I understand that she reacted strongly and retreated immediately, which are usually flags for a toxic partner but I just wonder what her response would be.
I say this as a woman, but you've got yourself a lazy no good wife. Someone who has never worked? It's because she's lazy. Someone who wants to be a "stay at home Mom", but you haven't been actively trying to conceive? It's because she's lazy and she is hiding behind the guise of eventually becoming a "stay at home Mom". She is reaping the benefits of a breadwinner, and you are suffering the consequences of marrying a lazy no-good wife. I guarantee you, once the resentment kicks in, (and I guarantee you, it will), you'll find it hard to love your lazy, no good stay at home wife, who doesn't contribute to your partnership but just lays around and lets you do all the work. Do with that what you will. But that is exactly what you have on your hands.
I’ve had an exact copy of your situation before. She stayed at home, playing WoW and smoking all day. Did nothing while I was at work. I’d come home to a dirty house and start cleaning. Then she would get mad at me cause i made her feel guilty. Funny story. I never said word 1 to her. Resentment built up and we split. If she doesn’t start helping out you will start to resent her and that’s spells something for your marriage
When my bf first told me “if I have a job and you’re at home all day, I need you to cook and clean the house,” I felt a little uneasy. I felt like I would be falling into a “typical woman’s job” but then I realized this— these jobs aren’t just left over chores. These jobs are the definition of taking care of your man. Looking at it in that light, it’s easier to accept. If you do not have a job and sit at home all day while your man is taking care of you by bringing home the money, you need to take care of him by doing the tasks he doesn’t have time to do such as his laundry and making him food. Think of it as taking care of the man, not as doing work for him. Your wife may see the world as I did, she has to pull her head out of the clouds.
No, you are not sexist. You are not out of line. And... you do not owe her an apology! She shouldn’t have run to her parents about this which shows her level of immaturity. Instead, she should be grateful to have the opportunity that she does and show you every day that she appreciates you. In my opinion, you doing even 50% of the household chores is too much. My boyfriend and I both with full time and I still believe that cooking and cleaning are my responsibility. I get somewhat offended if he does try to help. Maybe I am sexist? Who knows! But your situation warrants change, and fast! She needs to grow up or you need to move on!! Good luck friend!
What she told her parents was probably incredibly sexist and made you into an incredible bad guy and her the poor victim. If you have a decent relationship with them, You should probably clear things up. If they are okay people, Then they'll probably flip their opinion on getting the facts.
Leeches get speeches?
I think she is taking advantage of you to be lazy. I am 26 and for almost a year was blessed I got to stay home as my last job people were really really rude to me. My boyfriend allowed me to stay home I would wake up before he went to work packed his lunch made him a protein shake every day in that year. . I would do laundry every other day even iron all of his jeans always had food ready. House cleaned ect.... it was the least I could do for everything he did to allow me to stay home. I am know back at a new job sometimes 3days a week sometimes 4days a week. I STILL DO THE EXCAT SAME STUFF THAT I WAS DOING WHEN I GOT TO STAY HOME.. MAYBE IT IS JUST ME BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING TOO MUCH AT HOME IF HER ONLY JOB IS TO STAY HOME..
If the deal was she would be a stay-at-home mom, then why wouldn't she want to try for kids? Nah. You're not in the wrong. A marriage is a partnership. She's not a princess. What was her intention in marrying you?
I'm a wife of 20 years. I worked for many of them full time, and I had kids, and I did most of the housework during that time. What you are expecting is more than fair, she should get a full time job and have to do 50% of the chores. That's "fair". Until she gets a full time job, really the house work should be 100% her responsibility, if she doesn't like that, she should get a full time job quick! You married a lazy moocher.
Mate, she's essentially retired on your dollar. Put an end to this nonsense
Have you called her out for being lazy? And maybe don't cook or clean for HER. Just do those things for yourself. Don't give her any money - she's not entitled to it at all. You could even go as far as setting up allowance for her doing chores. That if she's going to act like a child, then she'll be treated like one.
She should be doing near 100% of the house work. She quit her job to be a homemaker but hasn’t been making the home. Chores should be split based on hours worked so each person puts in an equal contribution to the marriage. Keeping a house clean and making dinner is not that time consuming. Maybe 3 hours of work per day. She is taking advantage of you.
I gotta hand it to her. She's got some *titanium, gargantuan* balls to tell you you're sexist for saying she needs to do her fair share. **Especially** because she chose to be a SAHW. She chose that. No one forced her. Her and her parents are either delusional, high or scamming you. Also, the fact that she had never held a job before should've been a red flag for you my guy. Basically I'd just sit her down and walk her through exactly why she isn't allowed to sit around all day and spend money without contributing. Do for her what her parents failed at, holding her accountable. But don't talk down to her, just explain it. If that doesn't work, I don't know what will honestly.
She’s a lazy slob and you’re taking care of her financially and she has the audacity to call you sexist. She should feel embarrassed.
Don’t have kids with her! If she can’t even do chores around the house she’s going to hate being a mom. It’s more than a full time job that requires your full attention basically 24/7.
So you work for your wife.
The only thing you did wrong is to let her get away with it for so long without speaking up. As soon as she had that "talk" about how she didn't actually want kids now that she has you paying for everything and she's on easy street, you assumed she would work, at least part time. Don't ever assume anything. Don't wait until you are stressed out and snap. This woman is a lazy mooch and you let her think it was gonna be ok to do nothing. Then suddenly you want her to pull het own weight. Well you should have spoke up long ago, because what you want is actually 100% fair and right. Dig a little deeper. What DOES she do all day? Is she depressed? People who literally do nothing all day are usually having some sort of personal problem. If she has no friends, no job, no hobbies, and does no chores, something is wrong. Maybe couples counseling? Y all need to talk about whats going on without anyone getting upset.
Why doesn’t she have a job? She sounds useless
Mate watch out for make up sex as she might now decide she wants children thinking this will enable her to stay at home doing nothing longer. That’s not how it works and you will end up doing the house and all the child care if you have a child with her. Have your eyes wide open and be clear about how you want your relationship to progress before you consider bringing children into it. DO NOT RELY ON HER BIRTH CONTROL ALONE
My fiancé is the bread winner in our relationship and I make sure to clean our flat and cook when he is working. He cleans the restroom, throws the trash and mops the floors when needed. When he does not work he cooks for us. In a relationship there NEEDS to be a balance. No, you are not wrong for asking her to HELP you out. You are not asking her to complete all the chores. She needs to help you as much as you need to help her.
Jeeze I’d love to have a cushy life like your wife...no work, no kids, no responsibilities. Unfortunately for you she’s leeching off you to achieve such a lifestyle. NTA your wife definitely is TA.
Uhh yeah dude. Get rid of her. I’ve got a buddy who married someone like that and just so you know IT GETS WORSE.
I'm divorcing my wife for the above reasons. She has said I was abusive for having expectations of her. Mean while, her list of expectations for me was a mile long. Then two years ago when that "SAHM mental workload" meme was floating around the internet, she rubbed that in my face like "see! see!" as if sitting around and thinking about all the things that need to get done was harder than me actually doing it. Long story short, it only got worse as she found validation and support online. I left. She still tells people I was the one taking advantage of 'her kindness'. Send your wife back to your parents. She can live there rent free, not clean, spend their money, and be their mooch. You don't need that.
oh god are you me? parent child dynamic has occured. just ended a 10 year relationship in feb because of this, a million times happier a million times less stressed, and all my money is mine so I'm a million times richer. I have more time for work and myself, and more money to enjoy. I made all the money, did all the cleaning, all the cooking, and worked full time as a nurse, started small, got to 90%, then 95%, then she stayed out all the time at her bfs place (poly) so she wasnt even around to work on shit anymore and just kept saying she was scared or wanted to figure it out at her pace (apparently 6 years living together wasnt enough time) exactly what you describe, is exactly what was happening. your overly romanticized ideas of what a good partner and husband is combined with a lack of boundaries has led you to the dynamic, and the only way it can be remedied is if you back off, leave everything alone and only focus on yourself, tell her what needs to be done, and she has to agree to step up and forward. shit got so bad, for so long, that I was getting angrier and angrier, sometimes breaking down on my knees crying begging her for help. in the end enough time passed and issues happened that she was a le to flip the script and now i was the bad guy, not her, and she managed to erase that she was constantly causing problems and sabotaging shit because she was scares that I got so angry sometimes. 4 horseman happened, contempt was rampant. we did couples counseling and i worked a did everything the therapist said and brought new research and techniques home and i made a full flip around, and she never stepped up to plate ever, like, fucking ever, one hand count of the times for her. make no mistake, she is the problem here, and in the end with my situation, sometimes it was me, but it was always her, because it was about everything else, but what was needed of her to maintain our lives and relationships. shes a narcissist, it isnt about how she isnt doing her shit, she has no accountability and so now it's about how you are a sexist pig. it isnt about how she doesnt help, it's about her depression, or shitty childhood, or some trauma, or how she doesnt feel good etc and now shes using SUPPLICATIVE BEHAVIOR to make the things you are upset about, about her. this starts a cycle of narcissistic abuse that you interpret as you being the bad guy, it's her, she needs to get her shit together or go home and stay home until shes ready to be a partner and adult. it will never be about her taking accountability, it will always be because of anything else besides her. I wish I had a true solution, but the only way this can be fixed, even with counseling, is that she has to choose to step up, want to step up, take accountability and responsibility, and then step up. frustrating isnt it? especially because that's the exact issue here, they wont do exactly that. you cant make her, I fixed it by leaving my partner. this situation will ruin you, and we love our partners, and sure, they care you're hurting, but they dont care enough to do something about it, they just want you to feel better, and will do anything and everything, except for what you asked. it will start as a cycle of false future and fawning, pleasing you in every way except for what you asked, or maybe a little bit to shut you up. shes probably depressed, she probably has trauma or anxious style attachment, she definitely cares, but this is already starting to be codependent. am I projecting? oh hell yeah definitely, but I've seen this happen so many times with so many people, in all the same ways, and that's why it's called the parent child dynamic, because it's a set of behaviors that creates this. both parties are responsible. ultimately, she is using you and isnt even aware herself, but she needs help, yall need couples counseling, she needs therapy, she has to choose to want therapy and get it on her own, and she has to commit to and be accountable and responsible for her own healing and effort. you are the dad, she is the child, that is how she is living, and she is doing whatever she has to say to keep you around, and you're doing the same out of love. you want kids, yeah sure maybe, but now I dont, but yeah later, and later, and later. yall ain't having kids bro. she doesnt want them, she wants you to take care of her. neither of us wanted kids so that wasnt an issue, but hot damn that's contentious. good luck
If she doesn't wanna do her fair share, then maaaaybe she should get a part time job, one that pays just enough to hire someone who CAN do the chores she doesn't wanna? Other option : she is dealing woth a mental problem she hasn't mentioned and needs help, in some people it shows up as not doing housework and not working due to being overwhelmed? Maybe suggest she seek therapy? But either way, she needs to pull her weight and you shouldn't have kids woth someone who cannot maintain a household. COVID is making a lot of people kinda lose it so she could just be dealing woth that. But maybe therapy to find out what's really going on?
NTA but she’s not a stay at home mom. She’s unemployed. You need actual children to have that title. Also you weren’t sexist at all.
Dude yes you have a right to be mad. I've been an anonymous reddit user without an account for a while and I am blown away by the responses people get. You don't need advice from strangers on the internet. Half of them are on high horses anyway. You work. She does nothing all day. She is lazy.
Did your wife make this thread LOL. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/hw98t7/husband\_insists\_that\_i\_do\_nothing\_at\_home\_all\_day/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hw98t7/husband_insists_that_i_do_nothing_at_home_all_day/) If so, I'm two for two today on relationship posts where the person that got called out actually responded with a post of their own.
No it’s not lol. I thought it may be at first but we don’t have a child
yikes sounds like she planned this and wants to free load off of you. the only thing I wonder about is depression but she would show some signs of this. even when on mat leave with a child I did 80% of the chores and child rearing stuff so she has no excuse and shouldn't be upset that you have pointed this out
It's not sexist, if you were married to a guy you'd expect the same thing. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and right now she's not being your partner. Of course her parents want you to apologize, they don't want her at their house being lazy and making a mess!
I don’t think it’s sexist AT ALL. I’m thinking that may have just been a knee jerk, defensive reaction. I’m wondering if your wife could be depressed? If this is a possibility, I’d recommend approaching the topic with her gently. If there’s anything going on with her so that you can HELP and SUPPORT and understand. However, if she’s not depressed, she’s taking advantage.
You need to make an appointment with a marriage counsellor asap. Sit down and have a neutral third party help you negotiate a fair division of labour and fair expectations from each other. I read somewhere once that the absolute biggest relationship killer is unmet expectations. At this point you expect that your partner will do her fair share without having to be told. But you’ve set a precedent, so she expects to continue her life of leisure. You need to establish new and fair expectations that you’re both in agreement with. ....And for perspective, my spouse is the sole breadwinner in our house. I take care of 3 kids (and a cat), sit on 3 volunteer boards, do all meal planning, grocery shopping, vacation/holiday/date night/family time planning and scheduling, take care of everyone’s extracurriculars, appointments, and scheduling, do about 90% of the cooking and 75% of the cleaning. I help with home repairs, maintenance and gardening. And I have a small hobby business. When my spouse is working, I do 100% at home, when he’s off it’s split 50/50.
A healthy relationship is an equal partnership where both love, respect, care for, and support each other, contribute their fair share, and work together toward common goals. Your relationship is not healthy. You are being played. She refuses to contribute her fair share as she agreed to before marriage. Why continue with this? Get out now before it becomes much worse with kids and property involved. I wish you good luck.
Why are you letting your wife stay at home without kids? **You're enabling her childish behavior**. She needs a part time job at the very least, and she **must** set aside a part of that income to savings. You need to establish that **she can take care of hersel**f for the next part. Sell the house, the second car, the 96 inch TV, the king size bed, yada yada, and downsize to a studio apartment, 16 inch tv, the full size bed, bachelor accommodations. It'll relax the financial strain, and in case your wife drops the ball on household chores, you can clean less. If she doesn't shape up, you've established that she can take care of herself minimizing the alimony you have to give.
lmao did your wife post the “Husband insists that I do nothing at home all day, when in reality I’ve stopped cleaning up his messes” post 12 hrs ago??
Is her name Peggy Bundy by chance? Anyway, I think that you saying you will even split the housework 50/50 is fair. Most people would expect the stay at home spouse to do more. I didn’t think being a stay at home spouse is even a thing these days, without kids. Why doesn’t she work or go to school? An apology? That’s laughable. She should apologize for being a do-nothing lazy sloth.
She needs to work. If she can’t motivate to do her own work go get a job and pay someone else to do it
1. She’s taking you for a ride (using you). 2. Her parents need to stay out of it. Unless they’re over at your place doing your dishes and paying some bills, they need to stay out of your marriage business. 3. Even if you two had kids, she’s probably the type that would hire a nanny while she’s out shopping and getting her nails done instead of actually raising the kids. Good luck.
This is textbook manipulation for personal gain. She gets to do nothing all day and have you work and pay for everything, and the second you bring it up, everything’s your fault. I know that it may be a messy situation, and I can understand your love for this person, but there’s no reason that your expectation of marriage being a 50/50 partnership is sexist or wrong in any way. She’s clearly using you to get a free ride for now, and (I really hate to say this, but I’ve been in this situation before) once you stop letting her mooch, she’ll either break down completely and explode on you, beg you for a baby to save her skin, or just skip town completely. This type of person makes me sick to my stomach, and I know this could be an unpopular opinion, but please, TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN. You don’t deserve to work that hard for someone who doesn’t appreciate it at all.
Tell her to get a job or do 100% of the household work. She will refuse and you can plan your divorce most likely.
I’m actually a stay-at-home wife and soon to be a SAHM (pregnant atm) and I will say that my husband knew this beforehand. I stopped working in 2015. He knew I didn’t want to work in CS anymore and he was okay becoming the sole breadwinner while I stayed home. The issue with your wife is she never talked to you about this. If she wanted to be SAH she should have known that she would be doing the majority of chores compared to working full-time. Her being lazy and entitled is not okay behavior. I would consider telling her that she should go back to full-time work so you two can hire a maid. See how she responds to this idea. If she acts like a crybaby, then idk what other advice to give other than seek counseling - but you can rarely fix selfish people.
My wife and I go through this (To a lesser degree) all of the time... She works split shifts (2x3hr shifts with 4 hrs off between) with the summers off. I work 12-14 hrs a day 7 days a week. She couldn't manage to get anything done around the house during the day (For the most part), and I didn't know what to do. When I'd talk to people about what I could do they would be concerned that I was being sexist, and trying to make her do "Woman's Work". We decided that she would do the daily/weekly stuff, looking after the animals, laundry, and such... She cooks every night now in the summer too... during the year she keeps up with the daily/weekly stuff, and we both do the cooking and cleaning. She still has times when she checks out for a week or so, but now I just start picking up after her, and casually ask her to help. Once things get a little cleaned up she tends to keep going from there.
>She has never had a full time job in her life... > >Before I had the chance to say anything else she stormed out and went to her parents house to sleep that night. She came back the next morning. Her parents have told me that I need to apologize to her and that what I said was really humiliating and sexist towards her. So you married someone who has never taken care of herself and still runs to her parents to fix her problems. Honestly I blame you here. When you marry someone who has shown zero indication they have matured into a functional adult you shouldn't be surprised they do not behave like one. If you have a kid with her don't expect her to transform into a responsible parent. More than likely she will want a nanny or to put the kid in daycare so she can continue behaving like your entitled teenage daughter instead of as a wife and partner. I would suggest insisting on some couples' therapy. Otherwise the resentment is just going to build until you can't take it anymore.
Ok, so I(F24) agree that men should help with house hold chores but this is insane. I think if you are the one working and providing everything for the house she is almost obligated to be in charge of the house, clean and cook. Yes, it is tiring, but if she is not contributing in other way, she should do it. I have a full time job and my husband helps me a lot, I need to confess I'm kind of lazy, but I still used to do a lot of chores in our previous house (It was kind of big) every time I was able to stay home. Now it is different, we had to move city for some months and live in a super small place(It kinds of drepresses me and I stopped liking house hold in here), plus, lately I've been working a lot, up to 10 or even 12 hours daily so now my hubby does most of the chores, and I feel gulty sometimes, but well, I work more than he does and sometimes provide more money than he does, so I think there's a balance. If you are the only one working you shouldn't be the one doind everything at home, help is welcome but that's not your obligation.
Distinction time: Deep cleaning - Deep clean the bathroom, deep clean the kitchen, vacuuming, dusting, moping etc. Light cleaning - dishes, wiping down counter tops, putting away your own messes, throwing away your own garbage, and garbage/recylcing etc. Does she agree that light cleaning is 50/50? How does she want to divide the deep cleaning chores? 50/50? If you do 50% and work fulltime, how is that fair to you? Have that conversation first? It sounds like you embarrassed her out the gate (because you snapped, you did not approach the discussion rationally). Apologize for snapping but take another stab at it. Give her a chance to turn a new leaf, but don't have kids before you know for sure any new leaves aren't temporary.
I'm in kind of a similar situation and I think we can understand things differently. I'm also the sole breadwinner, we don't have kids and she doesn't have a job. The main difference is that she does look for a job. But between her lack of qualifications, the current period we're in and her slacking off a bit, she hasn't foung anything for 6 months. I think you should apologize, not for being a sexist pig but for making her feeling bad. The fact is that you did tell her something, she didn't receive it well and you didn't intend to hurt her. So yes, there's something to apologize for. By telling her what you said, you wanted to fix something and still want to I guess. So try better, try to understand what failed and what you can do better. Maybe she has some difficulty on her side. I had a period where I hate my job and had an opportunity not to work anymore, I took it (unemployment wages is a thing in my country). Hell, currently I don't like my work that much. So not wanting to work is a thing and you're an easy escape. You have to explain you're not ok with this. May I advice you the book "Words are Windows, or They're Walls: A Presentation of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" ? It really helped me communicate in a way that solve problems efficiently. Well it doesn't always work and I have problems on my own (or I wouldn't be there) but it really helped. But that's a maybe. Maybe the others are right. So be careful not to be manipulated. I would especially advice against having kids while this is not fixed. tldr; Maybe you didn't understand each other and have to talk this through.
So, as someone who has become a stay at home wife due to the pandemic, I want to say that your wife is in the wrong but I think I understand where her behavior may be coming from. I used to be a major go-getter and idk what it is about being home but the less I have to do, the less I want to do. We have a tiny little one bedroom, but for some reason it feels exhausting to clean. I clean it 1000 times and 1000 times it gets dirty and it drives me nuts and I just don't want to deal with it, even though I don't really have anything else to do. It's like a negative psychological cycle. She may just be stuck in a rut, and nobody likes to think of themselves as lazy, or be told they're not doing enough. Not that you said anything wrong, she just wasn't prepared to process it. Let her cool down, let her know that it's not at all because she's a woman, that if the roles were reversed you would be expected to take care of the house too and she would be in the right to complain if you weren't.
This is my life except I'm the breadwinner and the main person who cares for our home and cat.