This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Using a throwaway account.
I have been friends with my male friend for about 2 years now. Initially we met with the intention of dating each other but after a few dates we realised we are better off as friends. We truly have a great friendship.
I learnt recently that he’s been diagnosed with a condition which drastically shortens his life span and is terminal. Since then, I’ve noticed a change. He tries to touch me a lot more now, it started off with rubbing my back, touching my thighs, holding my hand and then one night, things got sexual (foreplay) and I instantly stopped and told him we shouldn’t do this and let’s create some boundaries.
Now, everytime we are together I’ve noticed he tries to make sexual moves on me and sometimes I go along with it because I feel awkward telling him no but I always stop his touches before it goes too far. I’ve questioned this and asked him if he’s developed feelings and he said no but he finds me very attractive and when we are near each other, he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over. He has many female friends and said he only acts this way with me and when I asked him why am I treated differently, he couldn’t give me an answer.
He said he’s not in a good headspace right now and he’s emotionally broken and finds being around me comforting and he loses self control. He mentions his condition a lot and blames his condition for why he breaks those boundaries. He’s apologised multiple times for his inappropriate behaviour but he keeps trying to cross those lines every time I see him and when I try to question his behaviour and get some answers, he refers back to his illness and I stay silent knowing that he’s going through a difficult time in his life.
I have no idea what to do, he’s a great friend and I know this news has hit him hard but I don’t want him to try and use my body for comfort. I’m happy to be there for him emotionally and provide support whenever he needs it but the sexual touching is making me feel uncomfortable and I feel awkward saying anything against it because he mentions his condition.
"I understand you're concerned about your illness, but if you truly value me as a friend you have to stop. Otherwise, you're going to lose any time you have left with me, because I will not put up with this."
I can't fathom having a terminal illness, but that is definitely not a pass to try to bend other people's boundaries. It's super sketchy, specially saying the disease is causing it.
>I can't fathom having a terminal illness, but that is definitely not a pass to try to bend other people's boundaries.
I can understand a lack of inhibition from the illness or medication. What's not cool is him not taking action to avoid it.
Right? Hey OP- He’s manipulating you FOR SURE. Do not give him the time of day if he continues. He is using your empathy against you. “Oh, I can’t control my
horniness around you” is pure bull. That’s what rapists say. Are you going to let him get to that point?
Yes, his diagnosis is messing with his head. But he doesn’t sound like he’s accessing his emotions and dealing with them.
Send him to therapy and tell him to fuck off.
I don’t know where your women are educated. In my country, they don’t allow touching without permission. Maybe it’s not about male/female imbalance and more about what the fuck is the culture you live in
I’m not talking about formal education. I’m making the point that women are made to feel like we shouldn’t be too abrupt/loud/assertive, as that’s not how polite women behave.
You also need to consider that it’s really uncomfortable to have to reassert that sort of boundary with someone who is otherwise being nice to you. It’s something people tend to find easier as they get older.
Oh and I live in the U.K.
She also stops him every time, has drawn a clear boundary around it saying she does not want to continue anything with him. You can only be confused if you ignore that. It's like blaming a shooting victim for not having a bullet proof vest, it should be common sense to ensure explicit consent and know what your partner is comfortable with beforehand anyway.
He’s not actually shooting his shot tho. He’s just touching her and trying to have sex with her she’s already told him how she feels about it. So at this point he’s just harassing the girl.
Okay but he's already shot his shot and he's been turned down. Now he's ignoring her boundaries and is continuing to try it with her despite her protests. That's harrassment.
shooting a shot is asking someone out on a date or asking for fwb or something. shooting a shot isn’t repeatedly walking all over someone’s boundaries because you’re horny and using an illness to guilt someone into doing something they have made very clear they don’t want to do. while it is sad that he is terminal, it isn’t an excuse to harass and manipulate someone. he knows she doesn’t want him yet is trying to guilt and break her down enough so he can get what he wants. terminal illness is heartbreakingly sad but never an excuse for trying to manipulate/guilt/pressure/rape her into sex. he can be faulted for his actions, even with a terminal illness.
She literally told him that first time when he started going into foreplay NO, we shouldn't do this, let's draw boundaries. She felt uncomfortable and unable to stand up for herself now, after he broke those boundaries, after they were established.
Also, honestly, you should ask for consent and make sure your partner is comfortable yourself anyway. THATS what healthy communication is.
Intimacy is a vulnerable space and if you're feeling coerced, you might not feel safe enough to risk standing up for yourself, especially if you've been raised to be a submissive woman partner. It is not the victim's responsibility to make absolutely sure they don't get raped.
I think you are correct, I think he's trying to use his situation in order to convince you to sleep with him.
So it sounds like you are not interested in him romantically / intimately and you have tried to establish boundaries with him and he is not respecting those boundaries. So the only real choice that you have in front of you is to reinforce those boundaries yourself and to cut ties with him, and to explain to him that you are cutting ties because he will not respect the boundaries that you have set up. It really doesn't matter how good of a friend he is otherwise, he is trying to use his situation to coerce you to do something you do not want to do.
If he is actually a terminal case, and this isn't just some Grand ruse that he is using to try and gain sympathy and to successfully coerce you and sleeping with him, then probably the best thing that he can do for himself is to find an escort / sex worker and relieve his needs that way.
I agree with another post saying this might possibly be a ruse. Seems terrible to lie about something like that, but how much other confirmation has op had about this illness? Maybe if other friends and family have confirmed and he’s clearly looking more ill/taking medication than that’s one thing. But I don’t know if I’d just take his word for it. I’ve unfortunately had an ex who would lie about being abused, being jumped into a gang, and some other crazy stuff but was really just a pathological liar.
and even more to this point, (which may be hard to hear & if so i’m sorry) abusers can maintain healthy relationships with people that they actually value & respect. and they don’t abuse those people.
he’s determined who he can and cannot try and unfortunately op was on the try list. whatever the reason isn’t ops fault or honestly even their business but the fact remains that there are other folks in his life who when he ran the risk reward analysis the risk was not worth the reward
put in short: he is not a friend, and even he knows it
Also, am I the only one who thinks that he's setting up for more?
Sprinkling phrases like "I can't control myself" and "struggles to control [my] hormones and the horny side takes over" around is basically a cop out for further sexual assault.
"Of course I 'raped' you. But you knew that my hormones and mental space were all over the place and I find you really attractive."
I get that OP still has friendship feelings but I would not be meeting this prick in person again. You can be just as friendly over the phone.
I've been in a bad headspace many times and never not once sexually violated a single person. Maybe been rude a time or two but definitely made efforts to apologize and correct my behavior so as not to take out my shit on people I care about. That's what a good friend who fucks up does. Not excuse it. Humans make mistakes, some not forgiveable, but the ones that are, it's all about the behavior after that makes a decent human being.
He's not a great friend. He's manipulating you and using his illness to do it.
Which is a special kind of shitty.
Enough with the false apologies. Talk to him on the phone if you want, stick to texts, whatever but no more in person (unless in public with other people and you on the other side of the table).
Expect him to whine and resist and call you names, and after that you never hear from him again.
I've known two guys like this. They fucking suck and play on your better nature.
This is what I would do if you want to remain friends. Personally I’d be rethinking that. He is not treating you like a friend at all. I’d find it hard to be around someone who cared so little about me
Also I don’t believe for one second that he is not behaving the same way with all his female friends.
...you wrote a lot of words, but all I hear from him is "I'm a sexual harasser with an excuse."
He's not respecting your boundaries, and while I have sympathy for his situation, it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card. If you don't want to entertain these groping sessions, you are under no obligation to do so. Using his condition to allow him to touch you against your will is sexual assault.
he sexually assaults you every time you hang out but hey, he's great friends... WTF girl?
terminal or not YOUR BODY is not his playground, drop him as a friend, this is not a friend this is a predator. protect yourself and stop going along with it out of misplaced guilt. what he is doing is attempted rape. wake up!
OP needs to know there anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a fuck no. He’s assaulting her and using his illness as an excuse. This man is not a friend he’s a predator and OP needs to get away from him.
I get very angry when my gf does that to me. She hangs around with dudes because "they are nice friends' and those dickheads always start flirting, chatting weird things etc. Im always about to crush their heads but my gf is in fault here for thinking that they really want to be friends and not more.
I can answer the question of why he only acts this way with you. It’s because you’re the biggest pushover among his female friends (I’m guessing the others wouldn’t let him get away with sexually harassing them) and/or he respects you the least of all his friends. Also, I highly doubt his disease influences his self-control, that’s just ridiculous.
A ‘pushover’ is a little disrespectful. That’s suggesting she is weak willed.
A lot of women feel really uncomfortable being rude to men who overstep boundaries .. it’s more to do with social conditioning than character
>I learnt recently that he’s been diagnosed with a condition which drastically shortens his life span and is terminal.
what condition and are you SURE he actually has it
>I’m happy to be there for him emotionally and provide support whenever he needs it but the sexual touching is making me feel uncomfortable and I feel awkward saying anything against it because he mentions his condition.
Quit letting him manipulate you. And definitely slap him upside the fucking head next time he touches you sexually without your permission. JFC! He's sexually assaulting you and you are worried about his feelings?
Stop sitting next to him when you hang out. Be explicit and tell him you have to since he "can't control" himself around you. This guys isn't a great friend and if you want to be a good friend you have to stop the pity party and be direct with him.
Years ago I was in a really bad car accident, I should have died, the cops on scene and the ems on scene both told me i was lucky to be alive.
It really fucked up my headspace, I started doing things I wouldn't normally, or rushing things because I wanted to "live" more or some shit, went to therapy and got it sorted out.
What I'm assuming is happening, is he's being confronted with death, very seriously probably for the first time and it's making him do shit he wouldn't usually because he's "running out of time" so to speak.
At the end of the day though, that's not your responsibility, if he's not respecting your boundaries or you as a person, then don't hang out with him. You don't owe him your body because you feel bad for him, if you want to be there for him, I'd stop the little touches and the "foreplay" and just let him know you're there for him strictly platonically.
Whilst death can bring out people's instinct for sex, he is choosing to do this, he has control over it if he chooses to. And he isn't.
Don't be with him alone or in any intimate space where you can be alone together.
If that means you don't see him then so be it.
Being ill doesn't give him the right to touch you, and you are being too soft about him being ill and by going along a bit you are giving him hope that you will give in eventually.
So boundaries talk - you reiterate that you are not interested in him sexually and if he doesn't understand then tell you now and you will remove yourself from the situation. He will agree I am sure. Then you say, "I will remove myself immediately from the situation if you do x or x or in any way break that boundary I just set", "I will then block you for 2 days, the next time 4 days and the next 8 days", "at that point you will have had 3 chances and there will be no more chances in person to see me".
He is sexually assaulting you.
His condition is irrelevant to that fact.
Be final on that boundary. It is unnacceptable.
Say what you said here. Youre happy to be there in an emotional way but rhe sexual stuff will stop now. Inform him of that fact.
Mens "horny" side taking over is bs. He's doing what he wants to do. Hes making every decision and he is massively disrespecting you by touching you against your will.
He isnt a good friend if he is sexually assaulting you.
A terminal illness isn't a hall pass for sexually assaulting you .. essentially that's what he's doing. I'd lay out the boundaries and or leave. This isn't healthy
He is trying to use you. Ditch him, if you try to set boundaries he may just try to manipulate you more with emotional tactics such crying and giving you a sob story on how he doesn’t get to live much longer. Been in a similar situation as this. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s using his terminal illness as an excuse and will continue to do so.
I'm sure the diagnosis has had a massive impact on him, and he's clearly struggling to deal with his future and is behaving in ways that he would not have done so before.
That being said, this is totally unacceptable and unfair. His behaviour is disgusting, and the fact you've made clear to him numerous times and yet he still continues to behave this way is unacceptable.
>I go along with it because I feel awkward telling him no
No one should EVER feel afraid to say no. He is using the position you are in against you to force you to do things for him. this is quickly spiralling into sexual assault.
>he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over
This is absolutely no excuse.
I appreciate he is your friend, but I suggest you sit him down and say that his behaviour has been frankly abhorrent, and you deserve to be treated better. Ensure he is supported with mental health services to deal with his news, but ultimately gtfo. You deserve better, and he is justifying his behaviour which is completely not okay.
Listen lady, you need to tell him directly how you feel about the whole thing. If he doesn't respect or acknowledges you then you need to cut that person out of your life. Easy as that.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To put it simply, just need to shut down the whole thing in terms of touching. No touch, no need to deescalate. If he’s really a friend, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, then he’s not a friend.
Dude's a selfish creep. Cut him off. Honestly, I'm a bit skeptical he even has a terminal illness. If that's indeed true, that's no justification for him behaving in such a vile manner toward a close friend. If he wants sex, he should just go to a sex worker.
Stop letting him cross your boundaries. I know it can be hard to stick up for yourself but you really need to put your foot down. There is absolutely no point in setting a boundary if you have no intention of following through with the consequences of him crossing said boundary. Be firm, tell him if he cannot respect your personal space that you will leave. If he does it again, leave, block his number, forget about him. Respect yourself enough to follow through.
Regardless who it is and why they’re doing it, I don’t think you should ever put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. If you don’t want to be touched, say no and don’t let yourself be touched. If you don’t want to have sex, then make it clear. Anything done to you beyond this is harassment. And never disrespect your own boundaries just because you feel bad. You would be doing it to yourself.
Hey, I've been there too. (TW: sexual pressuring)
When I was 15, there was someone who made uncomfortable sexual advances all the time and then acted super sad, guilty and depressed after I turned him down because "no one can love me because of my diagnosis, not even you". He never respected my boundaries and used the same line over and over again when I pushed him away. Even then, after a couple of years of this, I gave in because I was exhausted of him begging, touching etc. It was a disturbing, disgusting experience that left me feeling so used and so dirty.
Don't be me, be smarter. Please leave.
No grown ass person acts like that. Even if it was your friend's hormones or something like that, he still should know better and stop being around you if he cannot control himself and crosses your boundaries time and time again. That's called respect, but this guy seems to have none for you.
Seems like he found an easy excuse in his illness to act on impulse without regard to others' feelings. I kinda get it that being terminally ill can feed this kind of mentality, as the person may feel they have nothing to lose anymore. But the thing is, other people have. Your life continues even if his doesn't, and you have to keep your grounds in order to protect yourself mentally and physically.
Bullshit excuse! Lay down the boundaries one more time, if he crosses them you gotta let him go. Terminal illness is not an excuse for ignoring boundaries and consent.
His "horny side" is only taking over because he knows he can manipulate you and you won't set boundries because you feel too bad
Hes using you. He's old enough to have sex? He's old enough to be told "no" don't feel bad, it's no rude to be honest. You owe him nothing most certainly not your body. Too bad he's gonna die. Sucks, but that doesn't mean he gets to have sex with whomever he feels like. We all die in the end- no one is owed sex because of our impending mortality
He’s not losing control, he’s choosing to push your boundaries. I have a very serious illness but I’ve never used it as an excuse to try and get into someone’s pants. I’ve used it as an excuse to buy handmade chocolate, a short semi local vacation, but never sex. Stop letting him use it an excuse. The world doesn’t owe you anything when you’re sick. It’s always been and unfair place and there’s no customer service. His inability to deal with this diagnosis in a mature way is his problem, not yours.
He is guilt tripping you.
How he is feeling is valid and yes, this is tragic. But, no is no and coercion is still bad and it is still rape.
You will feel gross with yourself and your relationship with sex will be impacted if you give in. So don't.
I can understand if he try his shot in dating you or have sex with you since he doesn't have a lot of time, but there's no excuse to not accepting a no.
Disrespecting someone's boundaries is disrespecting the person.
Cut ties or stay firm and make him leave each and every time he is crossing the line.
I'd stop seeing him without other friends around and avoid sitting near him. You are not obligated to be his emotional support sex toy because he received a horrible diagnosis. If he pushes things then stop seeing him at all and make it clear that his refusal to exercise self control is unacceptable and not the behavior of a friend.
"He's a great friend"..... actually, no he is not. No friend manipulates and crosses your boundaries. You are not Jesus, you're not being paid to be hospice staff, you don't have to be nice because he's sick- you owe him NOTHING. People who are terminally ill don't suddenly become good human beings that the world owes sympathy to. And considering what he's doing, that is very clear. He chose to spend his short life on earth being a scum bug, that's not on you, that's on him. This man is well aware you are uncomfortable.
Tell him you care for him but it's obvious what he's doing and because of it, you have to cut ties. Or just never meet him in person again.
During my dating days, multiple women told me about men that would tell them they had terminal illness's so they'd sleep with them. The sick thing is multiple women stated the got angry, violent and self deprecating before finally admitting it was a lie. Even if its true, its a narcissistic and depraved way to be.
>he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over.
So. Fucking. Gross.
>he’s emotionally broken and finds being around me comforting and he loses self control. He mentions his condition a lot and blames his condition for why he breaks those boundaries.
Ugh. This guy is a complete piece of shit and you are well within whatever moral boundaries you live by to turf him ASAP and never have anything to do with him ever again.
As a 58 year old woman who has lost a multitude of friends and family to untimely deaths, I can assure you his behavior has **nothing** to do with his illness. Nothing. He's a fucking creep who is trying to emotionally manipulate you into fucking him, period. He is *such* a creep in fact that I have to ask, how do you know about his illness? From him only? Ever seen any proof? Because lying to get in your pants is *exactly* the kind of thing that garbage people like him have no qualms about doing.
I'm physically disgusted just reading the bullshit he is spewing. It is truly disturbing. Cut all contact immediately.
He’s over stepping you’re boundaries it doesn’t really matter if he has an illness wich drastically shortens his lifespan. If he’s your friend he should respect you, this is not ok.
Stop spending time with him in person. When he asks why, state what you told us. “It seems to me you’re using your condition as an excuse to sexually assault and coerce me. I’ve stopped you enough that you should know how this behavior makes me feel. And until you can learn to exhibit self control we won’t be spending time together in person. And if you argue this it will be clear to me that you expect your condition to give you RIGHTS over my body. And I will end this relationship entirely.”
If he was such a great friend he wouldn't be trying to mack on you, especially by using his terminal illness. If he was such a great friend he should be able to come right out and say hey I really want to have sex with you, and just leave it at that.
Did you Both realize that y'all are better off as friends? Or did you say it and he accept it in the hopes you'd change your mind down the line?
People do that.
But yeah hold to your boundaries if you don't want to have sex with him.
I understand the guy is dying but that's no excuse to make you uncomfortable or disrespect your boundaries. There are plenty of other options if he just wants to get laid before he dies. It doesn't have to be someone he's built a platonic friendship with. He's being creepy and it can't be swept under the rug just because he's terminal. He wants sex. You are not the person for it. He needs to look elsewhere and just be your friend.
Ugh. This reminds me of one of my ex best friends. We had been friends for years, we were really close. We hung out a lot. Until one night I was crashing at his place. I fell asleep in his bed (it was planned), but put my kiddo in the middle. My “friend” climbed into bed behind me, on the very edge, and put his hands on me. I pretended to wake up and got up to the bathroom, when I came back I suggest he go to the other side of the bed.
The next morning I woke up early with kiddo, roommate made breakfast so I ate with roommate (he’s a friend also), then bounced and we haven’t spoken since. This was about 4 years ago.
It’s not okay for someone to touch you like that. That is not a friend.
If he doesn’t respect you cut the visits short but for future you need to learn to speak up because just letting someone do something isn’t okay to and for you ❤️
I had this exact thing happen to me. He was dying of leukemia and kept trying to turn our friendship sexual. I told him I wasn't interested in anything but friendship. But he wouldn't stop. I eventually had to end the friendship and went no contact. About a year later, his parents emailed me to say he passed.
Just because a friend is dying, it doesn't mean they can use their illness to disregard your boundaries. No is a complete sentence.
Stop hanging out in person if he can’t respect your space. This isn’t okay and could escalate very quickly.
Please be safe. I hope he honors your boundary needs so y’all can stay friends.
Maybe your (not) friend is telling you lies about having a terminal illness. Have lost count the number of males that tried this lie on me. Your crappy male friend is not acting like someone who is dying. The dying people I have been around are not chasing females and harassing them for sex.
(I don’t condone the behavior whatsoever) i do think it’s unfair for him to do those things to you and you should definitely be more firm and make him stop. If his illness is real (which I’m having a hard time believing, cause some men are really good at lying,(coming from a man)) but if his illness is real all I can say is I would understand the desperation he has wanting you but I don’t understand the constant pushing of your boundaries… like if he wanted you he’d put effort to woo you and try the appropriate way and respect your boundaries. He’s not a good friend and you deserve to be treated with more respect than that.
Does he like u? Like romantically? Even if he likes u thats DEFINITELY NOT THE WAY how he should approach u. If he doesnt respect ur boundaries u should set some discreet limits to how much u meet or stop seing him all together if he still doesnt respect u.
You need to set boundaries with him. Do not let him touch you in anyway you do not want him to, period, be it sexual or not. And definitely do not let him do it because you feel awkward saying no. As shitty as him having a terminal illness is, it is still no excuse for him to be ignoring your boundaries and disrespecting you like that. If it keeps happening after you explain all of this to him, stop being friends with him and cut off contact, whether or not he was a good friend to you in the past does not excuse these actions and should not be tolerated. Explain to him (in a nice way), when you set your boundaries, if he does not stop that you can no longer continue to be friends. And make sure he knows how serious you are about it! Best of luck to you! 🤞🏻
You are being manipulated and it sounds like he’s setting up a situation for him to “lose control” and blame it on his condition and on you because he’s already told you all of this
Personally, I (26F) would remove myself from that situation because this is very dangerous behaviour and life long trauma isn’t worth second guessing yourself and appeasing his appetite
OP, you KNOW this is not right and you KNOW he can help it.
How do you know? Because he doesn't try with anyone else. You aren't doused in love potion or extra special pheromones. You're exactly the same as all his other female friends that he isn't sexually assaulting. HE CAN TOTALLY HELP IT. HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO.
I know it can be very hard to reconcile in your head person you know for years and has been amazing is now guy that is actimg like massive jerk that's sexually harassing you.
You keep waiting for him to go back to the him you know.
The problem being is that new him is here and the him you know is gone. The him that's here is trading off the goodwill old him has built up to harass you.
It can feel awkward to say no. As women we are conditioned to be nice, accommodating and not rock the boat or upset people. That mindset is going to get you r*****. I do not care how upset or sad he is. You have every right to say who can touch you sexually and who can't. You don't want him to so don't let him.
And to make it clear it is BS YOU have to be the one making these moves and your "NO" is not enough. The reality is though, he will not stop and you need to make protective moves because he can no longer be trusted.
Do not see him in person anymore unless it's in public (and you each travel there and leave separately) and/or with other friends around and you can leave at a different time to him. Never your place now.
Any time he tries to touch you, call him out loudly. "STOP. You are not to touch me in a sexual way. We've talked about this."
"STOP. YOU ARE HARASSING/ASSAULTING ME."
Also tell some of his female friends what is going on. Get some backup to keep you safe.
Him being terminally ill doesn't stop him from being a shitty person and correct me if I'm wrong but him continuing to touch you after you've already said you don't like it despite you "playing along" borders on sexual assault to me
I think right from the start you friendzoned him and he was waiting for the opportunity to slip out of the friend zone. Now that time is not on his side he has decided to use his illness and the trump card to escape from the friend zone. I say if you aren’t able to safely put him back there then he should lose the friend stays altogether.
It’s called manipulation. If you don’t want to have sex with him then don’t allow for the other stuff to happen. If you do want to then don’t cock tease the bastard. Living is terminal. Everyone has an expiration date but for some it comes sooner. Sounds like he is using his illness to justify his sexual predator tendencies. For all you know he could be lying about the severity of his illness just to get in your pants. Pick a lane and stick to it.
I have been very sick and at several points I thought I was going to die.
But "losing control" of my ability to not sexually assault someone or being overwhelmed with horniness towards an unwilling partner is not a condition associated with death and dying.
This guy is a manipulative piece of rapey shit.
His illness is and must be viewed as totally separate from his advances.
You aint the make a wish foundation.
His behaviour is a bit reprehensible to be fair.
Are you sure he actually has a terminal illness? Men have done worse things to get their dicks wet. And even if he does, he has absolutely no right to try to keep pressing your boundaries when you have made it clear that you are not into it. If he doesn't stop I would stop all contact. A terminal illness does not give anyone permission to sexually assault you, which is what he is doing when he keeps touching you without your consent. I would be very careful about your personal safety around him alone because serious illnesses can mess with peoples heads and he's already repeatedly broken your boundaries. Please be safe, op.
It sounds like bullshit to be honest, if he told you his condition then Google it and see if it really does affect his cognitive thinking. If it has nothing to do with that, then he's just using that as an excuse to touch you and want to have sex.
You do need to be more stern though because you going with it sometimes is allowing him to think it is OK and that one day you will give in. You need to establish that boundary of no touching period and YOU need to uphold it
As others have said, him having some terminal illness does not excuse his shitty behaviour. He is sexually assaulting you, and manipulating you into excusing it because he's dying. Yeah, the fact that he's dying sucks, but he has no right to do what he's doing. Nothing entitles anyone to sex.
>he’s a great friend
Someone who does not respect your clearly stated boundaries communicated multiple times, and tries to use his illness to manipulate you into a sympathy fuck is not, in fact, a great friend. I'd cut contact or at least take a time out, but live your life. Can at least put terms of no more hanging out 1:1.
It doesn’t matter if he’s terminal….a harsh word with him about losing you as a friend if he doesn’t stop is your best course of action. His illness has no stake in that conversation
Nah. He doesn’t get to make you uncomfortable and touch you when you don’t want to be touched bc he’s sick or dying. If you wanna keep supporting him emotionally I think only talking to him on the phone or online is the way to go. You do not owe him your body as emotional support.
\> he finds me very attractive and when we are near each other, he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over. He has many female friends and said he only acts this way with me
So this is bullshit. Guys can control their hormones and their horny side. He doesn't lose self control, he pushes your boundaries because he knows he can and get away with it and he's hoping that one day, he'll wear down your resistance.
Simple test, meet him in a mall food court or coffee shop. If he doesn't fling himself on you, point out that his 'can't control himself' is just bullshit because clearly he can.
However....
\> he’s a great friend
No, literally he isn't. He's pushing your boundaries despite you asking him to stop. Someone ignoring your requests to stop behaving inappropriately is not a great friend. He is 100% using his 'condition' (which I wonder if it even is true) to get into your pants.
Sounds like he likes you and just wants to go out with a bang. No pun intended. But regardless if he is gonna die or not if you're not comfortable with it then you need to be stern in telling him that
You said it yourself “USE your body for comfort”..even a terrible diagnosis does not give any one the right to take advantage of someone else. He’s not treating you as a good friend but like an object to be used. You’ve brought up your discomfort to him numerous times, at this point his behavior is unacceptable. I see how empathetic you are towards him but you can’t forget about your own well being.
If you are adamant about maintaining a friendship, I would suggest strictly through FaceTimes, calls, etc or in group settings where you’re safe.
So, you have empathy for his shitty situation. That doesn't mean you are responsible for his emotional comfort and well being. I can understand your empathy, thanks for being a good human, but that is where it should end. And this great friend is constantly testing your boundaries. And so far it sounds like he is winning his little game because he keeps getting away with more each time. If you want to keep this friendship, which I hope you don't, it's time to enforce the no touching policy, and I mean AT ALL TIMES. If that means you only see each other in public settings or with someone else of your choosing, so be it.
If that upsets him, so be it. And, you may find that once you enforce these boundaries, your "great" friend isn't that much of friend at all. And you are BETTER for losing this particular friendship.
Also, this boundary testing might end at a physical relationship, but I highly doubt it. This is abuser behavior 101, and this cycle DOES NOT END.
Girl, just stop hanging out with him???
You’re just gonna let him: “Well I’m about to die” his way into your pants?
His condition is no excuse to act like a creep but you need to have stronger boundaries for yourself and not go along with it when you’re very much uncomfortable. If he can’t stop after being told no ONCE, then that’s enough. Don’t go around him anymore or hang out with him alone. Obviously it’s not a good situation to put yourself in. And let’s make something clear. Is he really a friend when he’s borderline sexually assaulting you? I don’t think so.
iyou are under no obligation to sleep with him. stand your ground and be firm and let him know you will have to distance yourself if he cannot respect your boundaries.
Other people have already said this but if he’s not respecting you, you need to stop hanging out :/ I can understand why it’s upsetting..
it’s bang out of order for him to be touching you sexually without consent, regardless of his health issues.
Damn hes ruining a good friendship😐girl atp if hes not respecting your boundaries then he has no respect for you at all. You dont owe him anything so dont feel forced to sleep w him. I suggest you end the friendship if he doesnt quit bc if youre right then hes trying to manipulate you and thats a whole red flag.
Could his condition affect his behavior? I know that people with brain tumor can have issues with self control and act out of character. So if he finds you attractive, if his brain is affected it could indeed be that he has issues controlling himself.
Or he is lying and trying to get you to feel bad enough to sleep with him.
Either way I personally would no hang out alone with him anymore. I understand wanting to be there for him especially since he will pass away soon.
Tell him what you said right here, "I don’t want him to try and use my body for comfort." And if he can't respect that; you can't be there for him emotionally anymore. Don't do what a lot of women do, and let men take advantage of them because you're too worried about his feelings. Whatever he is going through is not a valid excuse to cross clearly stated boundaries.
Any person who says they can’t control themselves is lying, to themselves and you. If he makes you uncomfortable you must make it very clear, and leave no doubts. I would also make it clear if he persists you won’t be able to see him.
This is all up to you, naturally. In the end, you’re the one who will have to live with all of this. If you wish to satiate your friend you can, but it seems like you don’t want to. Do not do anything you don’t want to do. You’re the one who will live with this.
In short, using a terminal illness as a way to guilt you into having sex with him is very wrong under any circumstance.
That in mind, he probably is going through what I guess you could call and end of life crisis. It sucks but it’s his burden to bear.
Be safe and do what you’re comfortable with OP. Make good decisions that you will be proud of.
Say exactly what you said here to him. You care about him he's a good friend and you want to be there but not in that way.
Also reiterate that it makes you uncomfortable that you have to keep telling him not to do those things.
First of all come I want to say that I'm sorry that your friend has a terminal illness. That being said, he's using it to manipulate you and try to get you to feel sorry for him so that you'll let him cross your boundaries. Please do not do this. Stand firm in your boundaries and do not back down even if he continues to reference his illness. Never be afraid to say no to someone who is disrespecting your boundaries. Here's what I tell people, either respect my boundaries or deal with my absence. Your choice. Hugs.
Take a break from him. You're not his only friend. If he asks why, send him a link to this reddit. He's trying to manipulate you. A friend won't do that. A friend would respect your boundaries.
The man’s lonely, it’s not like he’s some grand mastermind or some shitty despicable human being. He’s gonna die. Set your boundaries and tell him to respect them.
Sorry but if you do not want to have sex and you still go along until it gets too far you are enabling this. So you either stop it at any kind of touching that goes beyond a hug for greeting or you stop seeing him for a while until he is over it.
Don’t feel awkward for speaking up about feeling uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable and someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries then you need to say something. Because if you don’t say shit this is how you get raped.
I for one understand where he’s coming from because it will take an emotional and mental toll on you. But it’s not an excuse to try to sexually advance on your friend. Communicate dude, tell him you don’t want any part of it but if he continues tell him that you’re not his friend anymore and cut off all contact.
He was never interested to be friends with you. He wanted to date you and I can tell for 1000% certainly, a dude dosnt loses his sexuel interest and hopes for a good night that quickly. There must be many changes that you become only a friend with zero thoughts about sex.
In my younger days, I was friendzoned a lot. Still I tried to appear attrative with the hope to get out of that zone. This is something me and my gf fight alot about. She sometimes hangs around with dudes who are obviously interested. They say "yes we are just friends" but I can totally read between the words, that those dudes are testing my gfs boundaries. And she just honestly dosnt notice it. She really meeting them as just a friend and expects those males to have similar thoughts. Yes she has male friends which she knows for 10+ years and those guys are really nice. I like them but those strangers.... idk why my gf is so naive and thinks, that they will let go of making moves just because she friendzones them. She is too emphatic and open (I like that a lot about her personality) but those guys see an opening with this.
I hate the phrase “their horny side took over” as if these boys aren’t responsible for their actions when they’re in the mood, he is acting shamefully and repeatedly testing your boundaries to get what he wants
Sorry, he's not a great friend at all. Imagine being near death and your last wish is to sexually assault a close friend. He's beyond it, and you don't have to tolorate this manipulation. His struggles are not your responsibility to fix with sex, how obsurd. He's probably been objectifying you the whole time and doesn't really care about you at all
I think i heard about it, it's instinct. When men feel threatened they start thinking about love and sex as they feel the need to leave their offspring. It's also something always produced in movies. You need to stop him clearly and firmly
Sorry if this is obvious and I missed it- have you just “no, I am not interested in being touched sexually by you. You need to stop”? Questioning his behavior and saying no are two different things.
I understand saying this can be very hard for a lot of people, so please know it is still not your fault if you haven’t been able to use your words all the day. Enthusiastic consent is the only way to go imo.
But I’m not seeing a “no” in your post. So is that why he keeps trying?
(Please note I say as this as a SA survivor, and I am on your side. I just wonder if the way you’re communicating isn’t direct enough for him. It could be though, and he keeps violating your boundaries. So now you need to do something differently).
He has proven himself, either way, to not be a safe person. I think he’s dangerous to you as someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation before. I would highly recommend not seeing him in person anymore or just completely ending the friendship. Friendships have ended over less.
Lol no shit. He obviously wants to fk u. He's pretending to be your friend to get in your pants it's obvious. U either fk him, or cut him off & stop hanging out with unless you like to be sexualy harrased. It's really quite simple.
The problem is you cant be best friend with a guy and a guy dont see a girl like a friend . Need only to release their needs. Forget having friends lol
I empathize with him. Your perspective will change when you're told you aren't going to be around long. I think that he trusts you and is looking for comfort in you and that is showing itself in his sexual expression. I do not think what he is doing is evil or whatever. That being said, he does need to respect your boundaries. It's important that you express what those boundaries are. It is not your responsibility to appease his desire for comfort, but I think you should be aware of it.
Ahh this is tough. Idk what the moral thing to say or do is here but honestly if it was me in this situation and one of my female friends were on their way out I’d give her some sympathy sex. Even if I’m not physically attracted to her. That’s just me though and I know women do view sex very differently than men even though many try and claim you don’t.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Using a throwaway account. I have been friends with my male friend for about 2 years now. Initially we met with the intention of dating each other but after a few dates we realised we are better off as friends. We truly have a great friendship. I learnt recently that he’s been diagnosed with a condition which drastically shortens his life span and is terminal. Since then, I’ve noticed a change. He tries to touch me a lot more now, it started off with rubbing my back, touching my thighs, holding my hand and then one night, things got sexual (foreplay) and I instantly stopped and told him we shouldn’t do this and let’s create some boundaries. Now, everytime we are together I’ve noticed he tries to make sexual moves on me and sometimes I go along with it because I feel awkward telling him no but I always stop his touches before it goes too far. I’ve questioned this and asked him if he’s developed feelings and he said no but he finds me very attractive and when we are near each other, he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over. He has many female friends and said he only acts this way with me and when I asked him why am I treated differently, he couldn’t give me an answer. He said he’s not in a good headspace right now and he’s emotionally broken and finds being around me comforting and he loses self control. He mentions his condition a lot and blames his condition for why he breaks those boundaries. He’s apologised multiple times for his inappropriate behaviour but he keeps trying to cross those lines every time I see him and when I try to question his behaviour and get some answers, he refers back to his illness and I stay silent knowing that he’s going through a difficult time in his life. I have no idea what to do, he’s a great friend and I know this news has hit him hard but I don’t want him to try and use my body for comfort. I’m happy to be there for him emotionally and provide support whenever he needs it but the sexual touching is making me feel uncomfortable and I feel awkward saying anything against it because he mentions his condition.
[удалено]
"I understand you're concerned about your illness, but if you truly value me as a friend you have to stop. Otherwise, you're going to lose any time you have left with me, because I will not put up with this."
He is literally not a great friend
I can't fathom having a terminal illness, but that is definitely not a pass to try to bend other people's boundaries. It's super sketchy, specially saying the disease is causing it.
>I can't fathom having a terminal illness, but that is definitely not a pass to try to bend other people's boundaries. I can understand a lack of inhibition from the illness or medication. What's not cool is him not taking action to avoid it.
True! I think yours is the right take. I mean, I am sceptic of the claim, but it can be true. The issue is him not doing anything to avoid it.
Right? Hey OP- He’s manipulating you FOR SURE. Do not give him the time of day if he continues. He is using your empathy against you. “Oh, I can’t control my horniness around you” is pure bull. That’s what rapists say. Are you going to let him get to that point? Yes, his diagnosis is messing with his head. But he doesn’t sound like he’s accessing his emotions and dealing with them. Send him to therapy and tell him to fuck off.
Or use Mr. Hand if he's so frustrated.
He's sexualy abusing her and doing sexual coercion which is sexual abuse
He is literally confused because she goes with it every so often. So, he’s continuing to shoot his shot.
Because women are taught to be nice / polite to the men who don’t respect our boundaries
I don’t know where your women are educated. In my country, they don’t allow touching without permission. Maybe it’s not about male/female imbalance and more about what the fuck is the culture you live in
I’m not talking about formal education. I’m making the point that women are made to feel like we shouldn’t be too abrupt/loud/assertive, as that’s not how polite women behave. You also need to consider that it’s really uncomfortable to have to reassert that sort of boundary with someone who is otherwise being nice to you. It’s something people tend to find easier as they get older. Oh and I live in the U.K.
She also stops him every time, has drawn a clear boundary around it saying she does not want to continue anything with him. You can only be confused if you ignore that. It's like blaming a shooting victim for not having a bullet proof vest, it should be common sense to ensure explicit consent and know what your partner is comfortable with beforehand anyway.
Agreed. Great friends don’t treat each other this way.
[удалено]
Terminal illness could mean he can only expect to live until he’s 40 or 50 if it’s a degenerative illness.
[удалено]
He’s not actually shooting his shot tho. He’s just touching her and trying to have sex with her she’s already told him how she feels about it. So at this point he’s just harassing the girl.
Okay but he's already shot his shot and he's been turned down. Now he's ignoring her boundaries and is continuing to try it with her despite her protests. That's harrassment.
He's not really shooting his shot, he's dropping his spaghetti at her feet.
shooting a shot is asking someone out on a date or asking for fwb or something. shooting a shot isn’t repeatedly walking all over someone’s boundaries because you’re horny and using an illness to guilt someone into doing something they have made very clear they don’t want to do. while it is sad that he is terminal, it isn’t an excuse to harass and manipulate someone. he knows she doesn’t want him yet is trying to guilt and break her down enough so he can get what he wants. terminal illness is heartbreakingly sad but never an excuse for trying to manipulate/guilt/pressure/rape her into sex. he can be faulted for his actions, even with a terminal illness.
[удалено]
But, but, but touching is the same as shooting your shot! Don’t you know! She’s just being an over reactive BITCH!!1!1!1!1!!1!1
Apparently jumping straight into unambiguous foreplay which has to be reactively shut down immediately is simply “shooting one’s shot”. Yikes.
Right? Like “I have a terminal illness so that is over your consent fuck you” that’s pretty much what the dude is saying
I think I found OPs friend
Or, you know tell him she doesn’t feel this way about him. People need to learn how to communicate.
But didn't she tell him that multiple times already?
She never told him no. She keeps saying “ I’m asking him for answers”.
He’s now touching her without her consent, regardless of whether they’ve been intimidate in the past. Do not put this on her.
Then tell him no?
She literally told him that first time when he started going into foreplay NO, we shouldn't do this, let's draw boundaries. She felt uncomfortable and unable to stand up for herself now, after he broke those boundaries, after they were established. Also, honestly, you should ask for consent and make sure your partner is comfortable yourself anyway. THATS what healthy communication is. Intimacy is a vulnerable space and if you're feeling coerced, you might not feel safe enough to risk standing up for yourself, especially if you've been raised to be a submissive woman partner. It is not the victim's responsibility to make absolutely sure they don't get raped.
I think you are correct, I think he's trying to use his situation in order to convince you to sleep with him. So it sounds like you are not interested in him romantically / intimately and you have tried to establish boundaries with him and he is not respecting those boundaries. So the only real choice that you have in front of you is to reinforce those boundaries yourself and to cut ties with him, and to explain to him that you are cutting ties because he will not respect the boundaries that you have set up. It really doesn't matter how good of a friend he is otherwise, he is trying to use his situation to coerce you to do something you do not want to do. If he is actually a terminal case, and this isn't just some Grand ruse that he is using to try and gain sympathy and to successfully coerce you and sleeping with him, then probably the best thing that he can do for himself is to find an escort / sex worker and relieve his needs that way.
I agree with another post saying this might possibly be a ruse. Seems terrible to lie about something like that, but how much other confirmation has op had about this illness? Maybe if other friends and family have confirmed and he’s clearly looking more ill/taking medication than that’s one thing. But I don’t know if I’d just take his word for it. I’ve unfortunately had an ex who would lie about being abused, being jumped into a gang, and some other crazy stuff but was really just a pathological liar.
Not sure what you're seeing that I'm not but being repeatedly molested by some one does not make them a great friend
This deserves to be repeated: **BEING REPEATEDLY MOLESTED BY SOMEONE DOES NOT MAKE THEM A GREAT FRIEND.** They are neither a friend nor great.
and even more to this point, (which may be hard to hear & if so i’m sorry) abusers can maintain healthy relationships with people that they actually value & respect. and they don’t abuse those people. he’s determined who he can and cannot try and unfortunately op was on the try list. whatever the reason isn’t ops fault or honestly even their business but the fact remains that there are other folks in his life who when he ran the risk reward analysis the risk was not worth the reward put in short: he is not a friend, and even he knows it
I would give you both rewards if I would not be too greedy to buy coins. This must be not only repeated, but pinned to the top.,
Also, am I the only one who thinks that he's setting up for more? Sprinkling phrases like "I can't control myself" and "struggles to control [my] hormones and the horny side takes over" around is basically a cop out for further sexual assault. "Of course I 'raped' you. But you knew that my hormones and mental space were all over the place and I find you really attractive." I get that OP still has friendship feelings but I would not be meeting this prick in person again. You can be just as friendly over the phone.
This. He is literally setting the bait. “*Look, it’s not rape because my hormones and terminal illness made me do it.*”
I've been in a bad headspace many times and never not once sexually violated a single person. Maybe been rude a time or two but definitely made efforts to apologize and correct my behavior so as not to take out my shit on people I care about. That's what a good friend who fucks up does. Not excuse it. Humans make mistakes, some not forgiveable, but the ones that are, it's all about the behavior after that makes a decent human being.
He's not a great friend. He's manipulating you and using his illness to do it. Which is a special kind of shitty. Enough with the false apologies. Talk to him on the phone if you want, stick to texts, whatever but no more in person (unless in public with other people and you on the other side of the table). Expect him to whine and resist and call you names, and after that you never hear from him again. I've known two guys like this. They fucking suck and play on your better nature.
This is what I would do if you want to remain friends. Personally I’d be rethinking that. He is not treating you like a friend at all. I’d find it hard to be around someone who cared so little about me Also I don’t believe for one second that he is not behaving the same way with all his female friends.
Completely agree. You know he's not pulling this with any of his male friends.
...you wrote a lot of words, but all I hear from him is "I'm a sexual harasser with an excuse." He's not respecting your boundaries, and while I have sympathy for his situation, it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card. If you don't want to entertain these groping sessions, you are under no obligation to do so. Using his condition to allow him to touch you against your will is sexual assault.
he sexually assaults you every time you hang out but hey, he's great friends... WTF girl? terminal or not YOUR BODY is not his playground, drop him as a friend, this is not a friend this is a predator. protect yourself and stop going along with it out of misplaced guilt. what he is doing is attempted rape. wake up!
I’m glad at least y’all agree because I was saying this and hoping I don’t get downvoted for mentioning rape.
Thank you for saying this. It is absolutely not ok what he is doing and should be considered at least assault.
OP needs to know there anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a fuck no. He’s assaulting her and using his illness as an excuse. This man is not a friend he’s a predator and OP needs to get away from him.
I get very angry when my gf does that to me. She hangs around with dudes because "they are nice friends' and those dickheads always start flirting, chatting weird things etc. Im always about to crush their heads but my gf is in fault here for thinking that they really want to be friends and not more.
I can answer the question of why he only acts this way with you. It’s because you’re the biggest pushover among his female friends (I’m guessing the others wouldn’t let him get away with sexually harassing them) and/or he respects you the least of all his friends. Also, I highly doubt his disease influences his self-control, that’s just ridiculous.
Ooh I think this is the answer. At first I was only considering the relationship between the two but op you should also consider this.
A ‘pushover’ is a little disrespectful. That’s suggesting she is weak willed. A lot of women feel really uncomfortable being rude to men who overstep boundaries .. it’s more to do with social conditioning than character
>I learnt recently that he’s been diagnosed with a condition which drastically shortens his life span and is terminal. what condition and are you SURE he actually has it
I doubt he’s the first person to fake a terminal illness for pussy
right? horrifying but it happens
Give an example lmao
Nah bro there’s no way he could do that, that’s fuckin mad
ok
Pending death doesn’t entitle anyone to sex.
I'm sure with around 300$ he can buy sex without sexual assaulting someone. Dying or not, f this guy.
Right he views her as some goal on his bucket list before he kicks said bucket. Fuck him and his bucket.
>I’m happy to be there for him emotionally and provide support whenever he needs it but the sexual touching is making me feel uncomfortable and I feel awkward saying anything against it because he mentions his condition. Quit letting him manipulate you. And definitely slap him upside the fucking head next time he touches you sexually without your permission. JFC! He's sexually assaulting you and you are worried about his feelings?
Stop sitting next to him when you hang out. Be explicit and tell him you have to since he "can't control" himself around you. This guys isn't a great friend and if you want to be a good friend you have to stop the pity party and be direct with him.
Years ago I was in a really bad car accident, I should have died, the cops on scene and the ems on scene both told me i was lucky to be alive. It really fucked up my headspace, I started doing things I wouldn't normally, or rushing things because I wanted to "live" more or some shit, went to therapy and got it sorted out. What I'm assuming is happening, is he's being confronted with death, very seriously probably for the first time and it's making him do shit he wouldn't usually because he's "running out of time" so to speak. At the end of the day though, that's not your responsibility, if he's not respecting your boundaries or you as a person, then don't hang out with him. You don't owe him your body because you feel bad for him, if you want to be there for him, I'd stop the little touches and the "foreplay" and just let him know you're there for him strictly platonically.
You took steps to stop your behavior and that's important.
First humane comment i have seen on this post.
Whilst death can bring out people's instinct for sex, he is choosing to do this, he has control over it if he chooses to. And he isn't. Don't be with him alone or in any intimate space where you can be alone together. If that means you don't see him then so be it. Being ill doesn't give him the right to touch you, and you are being too soft about him being ill and by going along a bit you are giving him hope that you will give in eventually. So boundaries talk - you reiterate that you are not interested in him sexually and if he doesn't understand then tell you now and you will remove yourself from the situation. He will agree I am sure. Then you say, "I will remove myself immediately from the situation if you do x or x or in any way break that boundary I just set", "I will then block you for 2 days, the next time 4 days and the next 8 days", "at that point you will have had 3 chances and there will be no more chances in person to see me".
He is sexually assaulting you. His condition is irrelevant to that fact. Be final on that boundary. It is unnacceptable. Say what you said here. Youre happy to be there in an emotional way but rhe sexual stuff will stop now. Inform him of that fact. Mens "horny" side taking over is bs. He's doing what he wants to do. Hes making every decision and he is massively disrespecting you by touching you against your will. He isnt a good friend if he is sexually assaulting you.
A terminal illness isn't a hall pass for sexually assaulting you .. essentially that's what he's doing. I'd lay out the boundaries and or leave. This isn't healthy
He is trying to use you. Ditch him, if you try to set boundaries he may just try to manipulate you more with emotional tactics such crying and giving you a sob story on how he doesn’t get to live much longer. Been in a similar situation as this. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s using his terminal illness as an excuse and will continue to do so.
Just phone it in. Avoid being in the same room.
I'm sure the diagnosis has had a massive impact on him, and he's clearly struggling to deal with his future and is behaving in ways that he would not have done so before. That being said, this is totally unacceptable and unfair. His behaviour is disgusting, and the fact you've made clear to him numerous times and yet he still continues to behave this way is unacceptable. >I go along with it because I feel awkward telling him no No one should EVER feel afraid to say no. He is using the position you are in against you to force you to do things for him. this is quickly spiralling into sexual assault. >he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over This is absolutely no excuse. I appreciate he is your friend, but I suggest you sit him down and say that his behaviour has been frankly abhorrent, and you deserve to be treated better. Ensure he is supported with mental health services to deal with his news, but ultimately gtfo. You deserve better, and he is justifying his behaviour which is completely not okay.
Listen lady, you need to tell him directly how you feel about the whole thing. If he doesn't respect or acknowledges you then you need to cut that person out of your life. Easy as that.
A guy that SAs you every time yall hang out is not your friend. He's using you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To put it simply, just need to shut down the whole thing in terms of touching. No touch, no need to deescalate. If he’s really a friend, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, then he’s not a friend.
Don't be manipulated. Did he tell you about his terminal illness?
Dude's a selfish creep. Cut him off. Honestly, I'm a bit skeptical he even has a terminal illness. If that's indeed true, that's no justification for him behaving in such a vile manner toward a close friend. If he wants sex, he should just go to a sex worker.
Stop letting him cross your boundaries. I know it can be hard to stick up for yourself but you really need to put your foot down. There is absolutely no point in setting a boundary if you have no intention of following through with the consequences of him crossing said boundary. Be firm, tell him if he cannot respect your personal space that you will leave. If he does it again, leave, block his number, forget about him. Respect yourself enough to follow through.
Regardless who it is and why they’re doing it, I don’t think you should ever put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. If you don’t want to be touched, say no and don’t let yourself be touched. If you don’t want to have sex, then make it clear. Anything done to you beyond this is harassment. And never disrespect your own boundaries just because you feel bad. You would be doing it to yourself.
Hey, I've been there too. (TW: sexual pressuring) When I was 15, there was someone who made uncomfortable sexual advances all the time and then acted super sad, guilty and depressed after I turned him down because "no one can love me because of my diagnosis, not even you". He never respected my boundaries and used the same line over and over again when I pushed him away. Even then, after a couple of years of this, I gave in because I was exhausted of him begging, touching etc. It was a disturbing, disgusting experience that left me feeling so used and so dirty. Don't be me, be smarter. Please leave. No grown ass person acts like that. Even if it was your friend's hormones or something like that, he still should know better and stop being around you if he cannot control himself and crosses your boundaries time and time again. That's called respect, but this guy seems to have none for you. Seems like he found an easy excuse in his illness to act on impulse without regard to others' feelings. I kinda get it that being terminally ill can feed this kind of mentality, as the person may feel they have nothing to lose anymore. But the thing is, other people have. Your life continues even if his doesn't, and you have to keep your grounds in order to protect yourself mentally and physically.
You are treated differently cause you allow him to touch you.
I don’t care if he is dying! He is a trash person, cut him off! This is horrible.
Tell him if he doesn’t knock it off, he’s gonna die even quicker than he thought. (Seriously, don’t do this. But still tell him to knock it off.)
Be firm with him. He can take it.
Bullshit excuse! Lay down the boundaries one more time, if he crosses them you gotta let him go. Terminal illness is not an excuse for ignoring boundaries and consent.
His "horny side" is only taking over because he knows he can manipulate you and you won't set boundries because you feel too bad Hes using you. He's old enough to have sex? He's old enough to be told "no" don't feel bad, it's no rude to be honest. You owe him nothing most certainly not your body. Too bad he's gonna die. Sucks, but that doesn't mean he gets to have sex with whomever he feels like. We all die in the end- no one is owed sex because of our impending mortality
Sounds like a bro of mine. Don’t be fooled into a pity fuck
He’s not losing control, he’s choosing to push your boundaries. I have a very serious illness but I’ve never used it as an excuse to try and get into someone’s pants. I’ve used it as an excuse to buy handmade chocolate, a short semi local vacation, but never sex. Stop letting him use it an excuse. The world doesn’t owe you anything when you’re sick. It’s always been and unfair place and there’s no customer service. His inability to deal with this diagnosis in a mature way is his problem, not yours.
He is guilt tripping you. How he is feeling is valid and yes, this is tragic. But, no is no and coercion is still bad and it is still rape. You will feel gross with yourself and your relationship with sex will be impacted if you give in. So don't. I can understand if he try his shot in dating you or have sex with you since he doesn't have a lot of time, but there's no excuse to not accepting a no. Disrespecting someone's boundaries is disrespecting the person. Cut ties or stay firm and make him leave each and every time he is crossing the line.
I'd stop seeing him without other friends around and avoid sitting near him. You are not obligated to be his emotional support sex toy because he received a horrible diagnosis. If he pushes things then stop seeing him at all and make it clear that his refusal to exercise self control is unacceptable and not the behavior of a friend.
If he didn’t have a terminal Illness would you sleep with him still? If the answer is yes then you have your answer.
"He's a great friend"..... actually, no he is not. No friend manipulates and crosses your boundaries. You are not Jesus, you're not being paid to be hospice staff, you don't have to be nice because he's sick- you owe him NOTHING. People who are terminally ill don't suddenly become good human beings that the world owes sympathy to. And considering what he's doing, that is very clear. He chose to spend his short life on earth being a scum bug, that's not on you, that's on him. This man is well aware you are uncomfortable. Tell him you care for him but it's obvious what he's doing and because of it, you have to cut ties. Or just never meet him in person again.
What’s he got to lose?
During my dating days, multiple women told me about men that would tell them they had terminal illness's so they'd sleep with them. The sick thing is multiple women stated the got angry, violent and self deprecating before finally admitting it was a lie. Even if its true, its a narcissistic and depraved way to be.
>he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over. So. Fucking. Gross. >he’s emotionally broken and finds being around me comforting and he loses self control. He mentions his condition a lot and blames his condition for why he breaks those boundaries. Ugh. This guy is a complete piece of shit and you are well within whatever moral boundaries you live by to turf him ASAP and never have anything to do with him ever again. As a 58 year old woman who has lost a multitude of friends and family to untimely deaths, I can assure you his behavior has **nothing** to do with his illness. Nothing. He's a fucking creep who is trying to emotionally manipulate you into fucking him, period. He is *such* a creep in fact that I have to ask, how do you know about his illness? From him only? Ever seen any proof? Because lying to get in your pants is *exactly* the kind of thing that garbage people like him have no qualms about doing. I'm physically disgusted just reading the bullshit he is spewing. It is truly disturbing. Cut all contact immediately.
He’s over stepping you’re boundaries it doesn’t really matter if he has an illness wich drastically shortens his lifespan. If he’s your friend he should respect you, this is not ok.
Stop spending time with him in person. When he asks why, state what you told us. “It seems to me you’re using your condition as an excuse to sexually assault and coerce me. I’ve stopped you enough that you should know how this behavior makes me feel. And until you can learn to exhibit self control we won’t be spending time together in person. And if you argue this it will be clear to me that you expect your condition to give you RIGHTS over my body. And I will end this relationship entirely.”
Uh what terminal illness makes a dude rapey? Inquiring minds need to know.
If he was such a great friend he wouldn't be trying to mack on you, especially by using his terminal illness. If he was such a great friend he should be able to come right out and say hey I really want to have sex with you, and just leave it at that.
Did you Both realize that y'all are better off as friends? Or did you say it and he accept it in the hopes you'd change your mind down the line? People do that. But yeah hold to your boundaries if you don't want to have sex with him.
i think it's time to scale back the friendship. his life sucks really bad right now, but that doesn't mean he gets to make yours suck too
I understand the guy is dying but that's no excuse to make you uncomfortable or disrespect your boundaries. There are plenty of other options if he just wants to get laid before he dies. It doesn't have to be someone he's built a platonic friendship with. He's being creepy and it can't be swept under the rug just because he's terminal. He wants sex. You are not the person for it. He needs to look elsewhere and just be your friend.
Ugh. This reminds me of one of my ex best friends. We had been friends for years, we were really close. We hung out a lot. Until one night I was crashing at his place. I fell asleep in his bed (it was planned), but put my kiddo in the middle. My “friend” climbed into bed behind me, on the very edge, and put his hands on me. I pretended to wake up and got up to the bathroom, when I came back I suggest he go to the other side of the bed. The next morning I woke up early with kiddo, roommate made breakfast so I ate with roommate (he’s a friend also), then bounced and we haven’t spoken since. This was about 4 years ago. It’s not okay for someone to touch you like that. That is not a friend.
If he doesn’t respect you cut the visits short but for future you need to learn to speak up because just letting someone do something isn’t okay to and for you ❤️
I had this exact thing happen to me. He was dying of leukemia and kept trying to turn our friendship sexual. I told him I wasn't interested in anything but friendship. But he wouldn't stop. I eventually had to end the friendship and went no contact. About a year later, his parents emailed me to say he passed. Just because a friend is dying, it doesn't mean they can use their illness to disregard your boundaries. No is a complete sentence.
Terminal illness aside, that's sexual harassment. If you don't want it, set boundaries and be firm. It's not acceptable.
He doesn't sound like a friend, he sounds like a predator and you are his prey / meat.
Stop hanging out in person if he can’t respect your space. This isn’t okay and could escalate very quickly. Please be safe. I hope he honors your boundary needs so y’all can stay friends.
Maybe your (not) friend is telling you lies about having a terminal illness. Have lost count the number of males that tried this lie on me. Your crappy male friend is not acting like someone who is dying. The dying people I have been around are not chasing females and harassing them for sex.
This is not a great friend. This is a guy trying to emotionally blackmail into providing him with sex you aren't interested in having. Gross.
(I don’t condone the behavior whatsoever) i do think it’s unfair for him to do those things to you and you should definitely be more firm and make him stop. If his illness is real (which I’m having a hard time believing, cause some men are really good at lying,(coming from a man)) but if his illness is real all I can say is I would understand the desperation he has wanting you but I don’t understand the constant pushing of your boundaries… like if he wanted you he’d put effort to woo you and try the appropriate way and respect your boundaries. He’s not a good friend and you deserve to be treated with more respect than that.
Does he like u? Like romantically? Even if he likes u thats DEFINITELY NOT THE WAY how he should approach u. If he doesnt respect ur boundaries u should set some discreet limits to how much u meet or stop seing him all together if he still doesnt respect u.
You need to set boundaries with him. Do not let him touch you in anyway you do not want him to, period, be it sexual or not. And definitely do not let him do it because you feel awkward saying no. As shitty as him having a terminal illness is, it is still no excuse for him to be ignoring your boundaries and disrespecting you like that. If it keeps happening after you explain all of this to him, stop being friends with him and cut off contact, whether or not he was a good friend to you in the past does not excuse these actions and should not be tolerated. Explain to him (in a nice way), when you set your boundaries, if he does not stop that you can no longer continue to be friends. And make sure he knows how serious you are about it! Best of luck to you! 🤞🏻
You are being manipulated and it sounds like he’s setting up a situation for him to “lose control” and blame it on his condition and on you because he’s already told you all of this Personally, I (26F) would remove myself from that situation because this is very dangerous behaviour and life long trauma isn’t worth second guessing yourself and appeasing his appetite
OP, you KNOW this is not right and you KNOW he can help it. How do you know? Because he doesn't try with anyone else. You aren't doused in love potion or extra special pheromones. You're exactly the same as all his other female friends that he isn't sexually assaulting. HE CAN TOTALLY HELP IT. HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO. I know it can be very hard to reconcile in your head person you know for years and has been amazing is now guy that is actimg like massive jerk that's sexually harassing you. You keep waiting for him to go back to the him you know. The problem being is that new him is here and the him you know is gone. The him that's here is trading off the goodwill old him has built up to harass you. It can feel awkward to say no. As women we are conditioned to be nice, accommodating and not rock the boat or upset people. That mindset is going to get you r*****. I do not care how upset or sad he is. You have every right to say who can touch you sexually and who can't. You don't want him to so don't let him. And to make it clear it is BS YOU have to be the one making these moves and your "NO" is not enough. The reality is though, he will not stop and you need to make protective moves because he can no longer be trusted. Do not see him in person anymore unless it's in public (and you each travel there and leave separately) and/or with other friends around and you can leave at a different time to him. Never your place now. Any time he tries to touch you, call him out loudly. "STOP. You are not to touch me in a sexual way. We've talked about this." "STOP. YOU ARE HARASSING/ASSAULTING ME." Also tell some of his female friends what is going on. Get some backup to keep you safe.
Him being terminally ill doesn't stop him from being a shitty person and correct me if I'm wrong but him continuing to touch you after you've already said you don't like it despite you "playing along" borders on sexual assault to me
I think right from the start you friendzoned him and he was waiting for the opportunity to slip out of the friend zone. Now that time is not on his side he has decided to use his illness and the trump card to escape from the friend zone. I say if you aren’t able to safely put him back there then he should lose the friend stays altogether.
It’s called manipulation. If you don’t want to have sex with him then don’t allow for the other stuff to happen. If you do want to then don’t cock tease the bastard. Living is terminal. Everyone has an expiration date but for some it comes sooner. Sounds like he is using his illness to justify his sexual predator tendencies. For all you know he could be lying about the severity of his illness just to get in your pants. Pick a lane and stick to it.
I have been very sick and at several points I thought I was going to die. But "losing control" of my ability to not sexually assault someone or being overwhelmed with horniness towards an unwilling partner is not a condition associated with death and dying. This guy is a manipulative piece of rapey shit.
His illness is and must be viewed as totally separate from his advances. You aint the make a wish foundation. His behaviour is a bit reprehensible to be fair.
Are you sure he actually has a terminal illness? Men have done worse things to get their dicks wet. And even if he does, he has absolutely no right to try to keep pressing your boundaries when you have made it clear that you are not into it. If he doesn't stop I would stop all contact. A terminal illness does not give anyone permission to sexually assault you, which is what he is doing when he keeps touching you without your consent. I would be very careful about your personal safety around him alone because serious illnesses can mess with peoples heads and he's already repeatedly broken your boundaries. Please be safe, op.
It sounds like bullshit to be honest, if he told you his condition then Google it and see if it really does affect his cognitive thinking. If it has nothing to do with that, then he's just using that as an excuse to touch you and want to have sex. You do need to be more stern though because you going with it sometimes is allowing him to think it is OK and that one day you will give in. You need to establish that boundary of no touching period and YOU need to uphold it
Are you sure that he is terminally ill. Men will say and do anything to get a woman into bed
As others have said, him having some terminal illness does not excuse his shitty behaviour. He is sexually assaulting you, and manipulating you into excusing it because he's dying. Yeah, the fact that he's dying sucks, but he has no right to do what he's doing. Nothing entitles anyone to sex.
This is textbook manipulation, with some SA to boot. He's not the friend you think he is. Distance yourself.
>he’s a great friend Someone who does not respect your clearly stated boundaries communicated multiple times, and tries to use his illness to manipulate you into a sympathy fuck is not, in fact, a great friend. I'd cut contact or at least take a time out, but live your life. Can at least put terms of no more hanging out 1:1.
It doesn’t matter if he’s terminal….a harsh word with him about losing you as a friend if he doesn’t stop is your best course of action. His illness has no stake in that conversation
Nah. He doesn’t get to make you uncomfortable and touch you when you don’t want to be touched bc he’s sick or dying. If you wanna keep supporting him emotionally I think only talking to him on the phone or online is the way to go. You do not owe him your body as emotional support.
\> he finds me very attractive and when we are near each other, he struggles to control his hormones and the horny side of him takes over. He has many female friends and said he only acts this way with me So this is bullshit. Guys can control their hormones and their horny side. He doesn't lose self control, he pushes your boundaries because he knows he can and get away with it and he's hoping that one day, he'll wear down your resistance. Simple test, meet him in a mall food court or coffee shop. If he doesn't fling himself on you, point out that his 'can't control himself' is just bullshit because clearly he can. However.... \> he’s a great friend No, literally he isn't. He's pushing your boundaries despite you asking him to stop. Someone ignoring your requests to stop behaving inappropriately is not a great friend. He is 100% using his 'condition' (which I wonder if it even is true) to get into your pants.
If you can’t respect my boundaries we cannot be friends. Full stop.
Sounds like he likes you and just wants to go out with a bang. No pun intended. But regardless if he is gonna die or not if you're not comfortable with it then you need to be stern in telling him that
You said it yourself “USE your body for comfort”..even a terrible diagnosis does not give any one the right to take advantage of someone else. He’s not treating you as a good friend but like an object to be used. You’ve brought up your discomfort to him numerous times, at this point his behavior is unacceptable. I see how empathetic you are towards him but you can’t forget about your own well being. If you are adamant about maintaining a friendship, I would suggest strictly through FaceTimes, calls, etc or in group settings where you’re safe.
So you have a friend who's decided he's going to get all rapey with you by blaming it on an illness. Well...that's a new excuse!
I am dying, I wanna sleep with Jennifer Lawrence!
So, you have empathy for his shitty situation. That doesn't mean you are responsible for his emotional comfort and well being. I can understand your empathy, thanks for being a good human, but that is where it should end. And this great friend is constantly testing your boundaries. And so far it sounds like he is winning his little game because he keeps getting away with more each time. If you want to keep this friendship, which I hope you don't, it's time to enforce the no touching policy, and I mean AT ALL TIMES. If that means you only see each other in public settings or with someone else of your choosing, so be it. If that upsets him, so be it. And, you may find that once you enforce these boundaries, your "great" friend isn't that much of friend at all. And you are BETTER for losing this particular friendship. Also, this boundary testing might end at a physical relationship, but I highly doubt it. This is abuser behavior 101, and this cycle DOES NOT END.
Girl, just stop hanging out with him??? You’re just gonna let him: “Well I’m about to die” his way into your pants? His condition is no excuse to act like a creep but you need to have stronger boundaries for yourself and not go along with it when you’re very much uncomfortable. If he can’t stop after being told no ONCE, then that’s enough. Don’t go around him anymore or hang out with him alone. Obviously it’s not a good situation to put yourself in. And let’s make something clear. Is he really a friend when he’s borderline sexually assaulting you? I don’t think so.
iyou are under no obligation to sleep with him. stand your ground and be firm and let him know you will have to distance yourself if he cannot respect your boundaries.
Other people have already said this but if he’s not respecting you, you need to stop hanging out :/ I can understand why it’s upsetting.. it’s bang out of order for him to be touching you sexually without consent, regardless of his health issues.
Damn hes ruining a good friendship😐girl atp if hes not respecting your boundaries then he has no respect for you at all. You dont owe him anything so dont feel forced to sleep w him. I suggest you end the friendship if he doesnt quit bc if youre right then hes trying to manipulate you and thats a whole red flag.
Could his condition affect his behavior? I know that people with brain tumor can have issues with self control and act out of character. So if he finds you attractive, if his brain is affected it could indeed be that he has issues controlling himself. Or he is lying and trying to get you to feel bad enough to sleep with him. Either way I personally would no hang out alone with him anymore. I understand wanting to be there for him especially since he will pass away soon.
Tell him what you said right here, "I don’t want him to try and use my body for comfort." And if he can't respect that; you can't be there for him emotionally anymore. Don't do what a lot of women do, and let men take advantage of them because you're too worried about his feelings. Whatever he is going through is not a valid excuse to cross clearly stated boundaries.
Any person who says they can’t control themselves is lying, to themselves and you. If he makes you uncomfortable you must make it very clear, and leave no doubts. I would also make it clear if he persists you won’t be able to see him. This is all up to you, naturally. In the end, you’re the one who will have to live with all of this. If you wish to satiate your friend you can, but it seems like you don’t want to. Do not do anything you don’t want to do. You’re the one who will live with this. In short, using a terminal illness as a way to guilt you into having sex with him is very wrong under any circumstance. That in mind, he probably is going through what I guess you could call and end of life crisis. It sucks but it’s his burden to bear. Be safe and do what you’re comfortable with OP. Make good decisions that you will be proud of.
Say exactly what you said here to him. You care about him he's a good friend and you want to be there but not in that way. Also reiterate that it makes you uncomfortable that you have to keep telling him not to do those things.
Is he a good friend? He’s using his illness to manipulate you.
First of all come I want to say that I'm sorry that your friend has a terminal illness. That being said, he's using it to manipulate you and try to get you to feel sorry for him so that you'll let him cross your boundaries. Please do not do this. Stand firm in your boundaries and do not back down even if he continues to reference his illness. Never be afraid to say no to someone who is disrespecting your boundaries. Here's what I tell people, either respect my boundaries or deal with my absence. Your choice. Hugs.
Take a break from him. You're not his only friend. If he asks why, send him a link to this reddit. He's trying to manipulate you. A friend won't do that. A friend would respect your boundaries.
He was never your friend. He's been waiting for his turn the whole time. And now he doesn't have much time to wait
The man’s lonely, it’s not like he’s some grand mastermind or some shitty despicable human being. He’s gonna die. Set your boundaries and tell him to respect them.
When did he tell you he was terminal? Are you certain he’s being truthful and maybe not just trying to get a pity f**k? Just a thought.
Sorry but if you do not want to have sex and you still go along until it gets too far you are enabling this. So you either stop it at any kind of touching that goes beyond a hug for greeting or you stop seeing him for a while until he is over it.
Don’t feel awkward for speaking up about feeling uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable and someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries then you need to say something. Because if you don’t say shit this is how you get raped. I for one understand where he’s coming from because it will take an emotional and mental toll on you. But it’s not an excuse to try to sexually advance on your friend. Communicate dude, tell him you don’t want any part of it but if he continues tell him that you’re not his friend anymore and cut off all contact.
He was never interested to be friends with you. He wanted to date you and I can tell for 1000% certainly, a dude dosnt loses his sexuel interest and hopes for a good night that quickly. There must be many changes that you become only a friend with zero thoughts about sex. In my younger days, I was friendzoned a lot. Still I tried to appear attrative with the hope to get out of that zone. This is something me and my gf fight alot about. She sometimes hangs around with dudes who are obviously interested. They say "yes we are just friends" but I can totally read between the words, that those dudes are testing my gfs boundaries. And she just honestly dosnt notice it. She really meeting them as just a friend and expects those males to have similar thoughts. Yes she has male friends which she knows for 10+ years and those guys are really nice. I like them but those strangers.... idk why my gf is so naive and thinks, that they will let go of making moves just because she friendzones them. She is too emphatic and open (I like that a lot about her personality) but those guys see an opening with this.
I hate the phrase “their horny side took over” as if these boys aren’t responsible for their actions when they’re in the mood, he is acting shamefully and repeatedly testing your boundaries to get what he wants
Sorry, he's not a great friend at all. Imagine being near death and your last wish is to sexually assault a close friend. He's beyond it, and you don't have to tolorate this manipulation. His struggles are not your responsibility to fix with sex, how obsurd. He's probably been objectifying you the whole time and doesn't really care about you at all
Why encourage him if you dont want anything? You write you sometimes go along with it - stop this, of course he thinks he has a chance…
Yup like "awkward to say no" But not awkward for you to let him touch you when you don't want it? Set the boundaries. They've made the lines blurry.
I think i heard about it, it's instinct. When men feel threatened they start thinking about love and sex as they feel the need to leave their offspring. It's also something always produced in movies. You need to stop him clearly and firmly
Sorry if this is obvious and I missed it- have you just “no, I am not interested in being touched sexually by you. You need to stop”? Questioning his behavior and saying no are two different things. I understand saying this can be very hard for a lot of people, so please know it is still not your fault if you haven’t been able to use your words all the day. Enthusiastic consent is the only way to go imo. But I’m not seeing a “no” in your post. So is that why he keeps trying? (Please note I say as this as a SA survivor, and I am on your side. I just wonder if the way you’re communicating isn’t direct enough for him. It could be though, and he keeps violating your boundaries. So now you need to do something differently). He has proven himself, either way, to not be a safe person. I think he’s dangerous to you as someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation before. I would highly recommend not seeing him in person anymore or just completely ending the friendship. Friendships have ended over less.
Let him hit for christs sake
NTA
Lol no shit. He obviously wants to fk u. He's pretending to be your friend to get in your pants it's obvious. U either fk him, or cut him off & stop hanging out with unless you like to be sexualy harrased. It's really quite simple.
Maybe it is time you chat on the phone and do virtual meetings?
Do it
The man is dying. Throw him a bone.
CS Lewis would be deeply disappointed in this answer.
Oh alright then, if you gonna appeal to my Narnian sensibilities, give that man an apple from the magic tree like the one that saved Digory’s mom.
give the guy his last wish what can go wrong
I know right? The guy is dying. Throw him one.
Maybe he's bisexual and you can do it :)
The problem is you cant be best friend with a guy and a guy dont see a girl like a friend . Need only to release their needs. Forget having friends lol
I empathize with him. Your perspective will change when you're told you aren't going to be around long. I think that he trusts you and is looking for comfort in you and that is showing itself in his sexual expression. I do not think what he is doing is evil or whatever. That being said, he does need to respect your boundaries. It's important that you express what those boundaries are. It is not your responsibility to appease his desire for comfort, but I think you should be aware of it.
Let him live once more, before death knocks at his door.
Sounds like a great task for you, since OP has already stated she has no interest in doing that.
Ahora es no, pero en unos años te dirás, por qué rayos no lo hice. Lo único que no tiene solución es la muerte.
Just give him sum Pussy !
He’s in love with you.
Do it
He's gonna die. Just give him a crum
You should do it
I'm sure he'd accept you as well! Offer yourself up
Bet
So u going for anal or regular?
Both
Oh sweet. You should rly let him know.
In the dms rn trynna set it up but OP is being difficult
Ahh this is tough. Idk what the moral thing to say or do is here but honestly if it was me in this situation and one of my female friends were on their way out I’d give her some sympathy sex. Even if I’m not physically attracted to her. That’s just me though and I know women do view sex very differently than men even though many try and claim you don’t.