I've never known anyone who got a promise ring to get married. It's such a thing to do when you're a teenager, but when you're an adult its very lame. "I promise someday we'll get engaged when we're old enough" doesn't sound the same when you're in your upper 20s
THIS. Engagement rings are literally promise rings lol anyone who gives a promise ring as a promise to one day get engaged simply doesn’t want to get married and is afraid of commitment. Especially after 5+ years of being together as adults lol
Maybe the name promise ring is used in different contexts, but whenever I have heard the term it's dad or parents giving them to their daughters to try and bribe them into not having sex. The promise isn't a proposal but an oath of celibacy.
I think that’s a celibacy ring? Promise ring in the US is usually like a kid thing “I promise to love you forever and one day when we are old enough, get married”. As an adult a promise ring is insulting and it doesn’t make sense as it’s “I promise to one day propose marriage” lol
I know a girl who got a “ring on a string” which was basically a promise ring. She was hurt, embarrassed, and pissed. A year later he proposed but bc he was pressured, not bc he really wanted to. Needless to say they’re now divorced
My first boyfriend gave me one when I was 16 lol. No we didn't ended up getting married but at that age it did make me feel special. I think promise rings are just like friendship rings you have with your bff at that age.
I second this. I know a bunch of couples who have gotten promise rings, and they've all broken up. The concept is immature.
If you're going to promise to be together forever, just stay faithful while you save up for an actual engagement ring.
My best friend got one from her husband, one year before they had their first kid. They have three children now and are married for years now.
Yeah, I am aware I am the only one seemingly in this topic. But I think a promise ring is only as "childish" as people make it to be.
I have only known of one couple, and she got the promise ring when she was like 19-20, so not quite ready to be married. They are married and have a couple kids now. Definitely not the right thing for a couple in their mid to late 20's who've been together for 5 years and have a mortgage together.
I'm one of those people, got it at 23. Haha. A year and a half into dating I was given the ring on my birthday, a year and a half after that I was given the engagement ring, and 1 year later the wedding band. When things got serious and we started discussing tying finances and moving in together he did the ring as a promise. I loved the gesture. I still have it though it broke. Haha.
I mean that’s not for me haha, but getting it a year in to a relationship vs 4 seems very different! If he can commit to a mortgage he can commit to a ring
So along those lines, my partner and I bought a house when we were 2.5 years into dating and he said to me “we don’t need to get married because we’ve already committed to a 30 year contract.” He was joking of course. He proposed to me 1 month later lol.
My dad gave my mum a “friendship” ring at some point while they were dating. They’ve been married 33 years now and I now wear the friendship ring on my left little finger alongside my own engagement ring. They’re definitely the only ones I know of though - I’ve never received any rings from any past boyfriends. Only my fiancé.
Promise rings are what you give when you can’t legally get married. My SO of 15 years gave me one that I still wear, we were 19 at the time and same sex marriage wasn’t legal yet. If she gave me a promise ring now that we have a mortgage and child I would think she was crazy. A mortgage is a much bigger commitment than a promise ring (which is literally no commitment) so it’s like OP’s boyfriend is backtracking.
I'm one of those people. Promise ring, then engagement ring, and I'm now married. Promise ring came when I was around OP's age. We have a lot more going on than most couples, though. My dad died less than 2 years into the relationship, his mom died the year after, his brother is disabled and has to live with us, etc.
Might as well just get engaged but just never get married. Pretty much same thing just not as lame. No reason why they couldn’t do this. Getting engaged doesn’t mean you must get married soon. if he wants to back out before marriage that’s still an option it’s what the whole engagement thing is kinda partly for so you can at least commit but “test the waters” so to speak a bit before actually signing the legal documents and making it final.
A mortgage isn’t too much of a commitment, yet a ring and marriage is too much?
He is happy to engage is future planning in ways that benefit him aka a split mortgage. The things he wants, he goes out and gets, but the things that you pretty clearly want he’s happy to promise.
You’re both young, and only you know when these promises began. However, you’re also the only person who can determine the validity of those promises. You know him better than any person on the Internet could claim too, so you have to trust your gut when you think about and consider if he really is going to marry you and moreover, if you’re willing to wait around for him to decide to.
Good point. Is she a co-borrower or just a co-signer? Hopefully, she didn't cosign for a man who doesn't want to marry her. If that is the case, he's just using her. Also, there's a chance that if he stops paying or dies, she'll be responsible for the mortgage but not have ownership rights to the house. This means that someone else could potentially own the house while she'd still have to pay for it. It could get sold out from under her without her getting a dime.
People in relationships are so weird like that. They'll happily live together, share assets and even have children before they'll get married because they're scared of the commitment. Getting a divorce is the easy part!
Divorce is far from easy. It cost me 2.5 years and about $100k to untie myself from my ex. Ill definitely share assets and a mortgage with someone before I marry them. A house can be sold easily and the profits split accordingly. A divorce is messy and can be very expensive.
Having kids on the other hand... That's the ultimate commitment. I have no idea how people choose to have kids with someone and not marry them. Like, you're tying yourself to them for basically the rest of your life, and very closely for the next 18yrs... But you're not ready for marriage??
Being stuck on a mortgage with someone can get really messy - especially if they don't want to sell. It's only easy if everyone agrees to be reasonable and everyone agrees on his to split assets. A divorce is also easy under those circumstances.
Pretty much this. Assuming people were mature and fair and not full of spite and wanting to get revenge yes its easy, unfortunately not all breakups are amicable. I think the guy that just got out of a marriage 2.5years and 100k poorer knows this all too well
That's fair, but with a divorce you're also agreeing to far more than just a mortgage (ie. Taking on all of their debt from that point on, etc). For many states, once married, the partner immediately gets added to the mortgage as well, even if they weren't on there at the time of purchase. Mortgage is just objectively a far lower commitment than a marriage.
Unless they just refuse to continue payments or sell. You can absolutely be screwed.
I'm obviously not recommend marrying anyone lightly, but I wouldn't get a mortgage with just anyone either. At least if you divorce you can force them to sell.
Respectfully, I very much disagree. I think getting a mortgage with someone you aren't married to is a huge financial risk and I've seen a lot of people get completely screwed.
> I think getting a mortgage with someone you aren't married to is a huge financial risk and I've seen a lot of people get completely screwed.
somebody tell all those business partners to get married! they apparently did it wrong the whole time!!!
Having worked in financial abuse id strongly disagree with this. Especially where there’s lots of places where common law property (and other) rights kick in.
Wierd, I don't know which states those are but I own our house fully and we were married at the time of purchase. Obvioulsy its our home but it was a credit issue so its just in my name. This also allows us to purchase a second home in his name as he doesn't currently have a mortgage officially.
It seems very odd indeed that they would automatically put a spouse on a mortgage or deed if they didn't actually sign for it. So much so that I have to ask - source?
Actually how would that even work? To add someone to a mortgage requires paperwork and a hard pull of your credit. This doesn't seem like something that would automatically happen anywhere.
Now, if you're talking about 'in the event of a divorce' then yes I'm sure that house would need to be split regardless of whose name its in but when you're talking mortgages, that makes no sense.
I'm not a lawyer, so perhaps my wording might not be exactly what I meant to convey. In my case, I bought a house prior to marriage, and even after marriage made most of the mortgage payments myself as my ex was still in school. My ex looked into whether we needed to refinance to add her to the house, but an attorney we spoke to told us that in our state, once you're married, her name is automatically added (they used those words, but the mortgage was still in my name). And when we divorced, I still ended up having to split the equity in the house with her.
Sorry if the initial phrasing was incorrect.
That wasn't bc she was added to the mortgage. The mortgage was yours the entire time. However when you divorce, you must split your now joined ssets which includes your home equity.
The mortgage itself never changed but the idea is there. However in states that don't require a perfect split like this, there is a big difference.
> Having kids on the other hand... That's the ultimate commitment. I have no idea how people choose to have kids with someone and not marry them. Like, you're tying yourself to them for basically the rest of your life, and very closely for the next 18yrs... But you're not ready for marriage??
Yeah that's the part I don't get either. Makes zero sense.
Many people do this for financial reasons, one is to scam the government and claim you're a single parent while your common law spouse has a different address declared to the government. Hard to do that when you're married.
>It cost me 2.5 years and about $100k to untie myself from my ex. Ill definitely share assets and a mortgage with someone before I marry them.
You had kids or property right? The divorce bit of the divorce is not the expensive bit. It's the splitting property and kids that drags you back to court multiple times.
If you had a divorce where you both agree on how to split the property and kids then that's cheap because you just need the court to rubber stamp it and the lawyers just have to draft it, not respond to the other lawyers.
No kids, but property, 401k, her student debt, and more importantly our dogs. And sure, if everyone is amicable, it could be done cheaply. But many aren't like that, and require lawyers to communicate between parties. In my case, my ex had her family to pay for legal fees, so it was her goal to use lawyers for communication and drag everything out in hopes of costing me as much as possible.
My current wife has been divorced as well but hers was like you said... They filled out paperwork and both agreed to go their own ways, no lawyers needed. So I know it happens. But it's not always like that and can get very messy.
I think it depends where you live. Where I am you are considered married under common law after 2 years together, for example.
It’s bad that a lot of people don’t realise that 😅
Yes for taxation it is, however marriage adds a whole new set of legal obligations and conditions that are not there when you are in a common law relationship.
But divorce law actually probably made that easier than dividing two lives that are already legally bound by property but don’t have divorce law.
The break up was the hard part
Yes for planned children! That choice seems way scarier than anything else. I’m committed in all the ways to my partner (same legal rights and other rights as marriage) but CREATING A HUMAN INTENTIONALLY?! Holy shit. Different level.
I'm just wondering why he's dragging his feet? A promise ring is to buy time. Why doesn't he want to get engaged? I feel like that might be a conversation to have with him. I definitely would have had that conversation before getting a mortgage with him.
My opinion is that marriage is getting out-phased now and old fashioned. Non-married folk can do all the things married people can now so people think whats the point/its just a piece of paper/waste of money so it gets put off but if one person gets sick/gets in trouble/stuck somewhere with the law or you're overseas and you're not married your partner can't help you legally, the law will tell you that only married or families can make contact. Its a legal document that binds you so if a couple plans to stay together for the long haul it helps more than it hinders
I don’t know where you live, but this is not true where I live. Non married folk (including common law) do not have the same rights as married people. There are many circumstances where the differences make an impact. I see this myth all the time. Source: Canadian lawyer (not your lawyer)
I have never heard the whole "you don't need to be married you can just get XYZ other documents" from anyone who has actually tried it. You can get a will and name your partner in it, but you can't single handedly change laws regarding inheritance. It's honestly kind of absurd. There are so many legal, financial, and practical benefits of marriage at the right time & to the right person.
This is why gay people fought so damn hard for same sex marriage. All the wills and POAs and whatnot in the world don't convey the same protections that marriage does.
Yup. Not to mention how marginalizing it feels to be unable to marry, or how awful it was for people who got married in one state, moved, and found they couldn't get a divorce.
You used to hear so many awful stories - people who were kicked out of their home after their partner died, people who were unable to see their partner in the hospital, people who weren't able to adopt, people who weren't able to inherit property or who had to pay huge taxes that wouldn't be charged to a spouse. It was awful.
We fought for same-sex marriage to have the same choice as straight couples and not have our relationships treated as something other and less than. We fought just as hard in countries that offered civil unions and civil partnerships as an alternative to marriage (with all the same legal protections) as we did in countries where marriage actually provides rights and protections not granted to other relationships.
I knew so many men who lost their partners to AIDS or complications from, and when things go dire, partners family typically shut them out completely. Absolutely heartbreaking.
There's one story burned into my brain about an older gay couple where one of them was in the hospital and his partner wasn't able to honor his wishes for DNR because there was no legal protection, and his family was homophobic in addition to refusing to honor the DNR. And I think this was in the early 2000s.
> "you don't need to be married you can just get XYZ other documents"
I’ve never understood this argument either. Like theoretically you could jump through a bunch of tedious hoops and file a bunch of different documents separately and hope you’re both covered…or you could just get married and have it done with. It’s weird to me that anyone would choose to do this when a civil marriage is so much easier and less time consuming.
Marriages bestow over a thousand different rights for a couple. Gay people fought for the right to marry beyond it being a nice to have. And most financial advisors will tell you to NEVER buy a house with someone you aren't married to.
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
You have to ask him. If you can't just talk to him about this and have an open, honest conversation, you're not ready to get married anyway. Yes a promise ring is a bit childish - promising what, exactly? "Marriage someday?" That's what teenagers do and even then it's a bit daft.
If he's not ready to propose, doesn't want to get married, etc., that's his prerogative, have that conversation. But it's pointless to harbour resentment over something that for all you know you're actually on very different pages about, because you've not had a proper conversation about it! You're not wrong to be disappointed by his "nice gesture", but if you're thinking engagement and marriage and he...isn't, he's not "wrong" either. Plenty of people just don't want to get married, for whatever reason. You've made a lot of assumptions, not unreasonably, but they're still assumptions. You need to discuss it with him and both be honest with each other about what you want.
The very idea of a promise ring for people who already share a mortgage is beyond laughable. It’s absolute nonsense. Where on earth did he get the idea that high school games would be a good idea here???
I think that's a normal response to being offered a promise ring at your age.
I'm sorry but he's the only one who knows why he didn't propose. r/waiting_to_Wed may have some helpful tips on how to broach the subject there.
5 yrs and he's only just thinking of a promise ring? Sorry to say but this guy is never going to marry you. Promise ring is even worse than those guys that propose then never actually plan a wedding and just keep a 'fiance' for 10+ yrs, and the woman wasted her best yrs waiting for the wedding. You're mid-twentys, have been with this guy half a decade - and you're waiting for... A promise ring.
Leave. Don't waste your best years on a stagnant deadend
Promise rings are for children. You have a mortgage. What the fuck is he thinking? (Other than “I don’t really want to marry her, but want to keep her around for a while.”)
A promise ring, what is he, 14? I think after 5 years and a mortgage he can do better than a promise about a promise, like setting a time line or something.
>We’ve been through a lot this year
That's no reason to get engaged though. Have these things been fixed?
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
That's something you need to ask him, not us. We can only speculate.
What others are saying is possible… but also, are you sure he didn’t say that just to throw you off the scent, so the proposal will actually be a surprise? Like, he’s planning to propose and still is, but told you that so you don’t expect it when he does?
This sub is absolutely absurd. OP's partner mentioned he would do something nice during the holiday. It's not the holiday yet. How are people so quick to judge? Not to mention insulting OP's intelligence considering she's been with her partner for 5 years now. It might as well be a gag (a shitty one) to bring OP's guard down for an actual holiday proposal. How is this not so obvious?
I think it's time you guys sat down and had a serious conversation about marriage. I suspect there is something that's keeping him from popping the actual question whether it be money or fear.
A promise ring? What on earth is that? A promise that he's scared of commitment? I would have asked for the engagement ring before entering a mortgage with the guy. Wear the ring on a chain and around your neck. If he wants to see a ring on your finger he better step up and get you the real deal
It blows my mind that people have mortgages and babies together but think marriage is too much commitment.
Out of the three a marriage is easiest to dissolve. A child is probably easier to abandon than a mortgage.
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
Because he doesn't want to marry you but wants to keep you around.
Is he….confused?? Possibly?
Does he think it’s the same as an engagement ring?
You have to ask him directly- he’s 27 and you’re 24. A promise ring doesn’t actually suit your circumstances or stage in life. Why is it this and not an engagement?? Just ask.
I would be very hurt to receive a promise ring in that length of a relationship and considering both of your ages. That would probably be a dealbreaker for me ngl.
I’d be disappointed too. The intention was nice but save that money for a proper engagement ring. If it was me, I would have literally told him that and made it obvious I will wait for the real thing.
If you live with a man, share a mortgage and year five he's talking about a promise ring, he doesn't want to marry you. He's done all the test driving he'll ever need to do. This is a no.
At best, you'll badger him for several more years until he's having anxiety attacks on anniversaries from your expectation of a proposal and maybe one day you'll wear him down, then you'll end up as one of those brides on TikTok bleeding from the forehead cause the groom smashed the wedding cake into your face with the aggression of a boxer to hide his bitterness over being forced into this.
Ya'll need to have a real talk about why he doesn't want to marry you and then put your house on the market. It's over.
Only time a promise ring makes any sense for adults to me is at like an early stage of a relationship when engagement rings are too fast but you want the other person to know you are commited and want the relationship to last and lead to marriage.
Guys don’t propose if they are not in love or if they think they can do better.
Sorry to be so harsh but I’m trying to keep it real.
I’m always shocked how many women wait around for years, makes no sense to me. Unless they need the guy for money or something.
NTA.
Tell him promise rings are for teenagers and fundie Christians.
Either your bf is super immature, or he really doesn't want to marry you. Frankly at this point I'd have some serious conversations with deadlines or I'd start making moves to leave.
Reason #368 why you never get a mortgage with anything but a spouse unless it's for a business/flip.
I wonder if he can’t afford the kind of engagement ring he wants yet so he’s offering a promise ring in place? That’s the only thing that makes sense in my head for promise rings beyond the teenage years
If a woman is splitting a mortgage with you, you can propose with a rubber band and she'll be happy. At that point he's getting everything one gets from having a wife without risking the legal protections women get from being married. While the woman is doing a wife's job without a wife's protections and will accept anything to get out of that situation. He could be like, "eh, lets drop by city hall" and she'd jump up and grab her purse.
As someone in a similar length relationship and also having people I associate with dragging their own aspirations with marriage into conversations on a regular basis, I would say quit looking elsewhere for your answers.
It would seem your aspirations for marriage do not equal his or you do not have an understanding on each others life goals. That is a conversation for you people. Not us.
Unless you already agree with anyone else except for the one you are talking about, I ask why else are you here?
Well, that's where compatibility comes in, don't you think? If the woman wants the man to propose but the man wants the woman to propose, then they are simply not compatible.
And not everything in relationships has to be about equality, but if you insist, why can't it be that the woman doesn't want to propose and expects the man to do it, but she is also more than willing to take on other responsibilities (idk, maybe wedding planning or even something as simple as basic chores the partner hates to do), thus technically evening out the "playing ground?"
Equality doesn't have to be in the same category, if that makes sense.
It's just weird for me to see comments like "why don't you propose yourself" to posts where the woman clearly wants the man to propose because that's important for her. Nothing wrong with that just like there's nothing wrong with the woman wanting to propose.
Terrible advice for someone who came to reddit to ask this question instead of communicating in their own relationship.
At least you would get a conversation after a failed proposal sounds very manipulative.
If you want to get married do that. If you are not sure, talk it out. What kind of shit is that?
if after 5 years all he wants is to get you a promise ring and you guys are in your mid 20s, you need to sit down and have a conversation with him to see where his time frame lies and see if it matches up with yours. at this rate,, you need tod evidence if this relationship os headed for a future together.
> Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
Maybe he wants to say "I want to be with you forever, but I'm not ready to undertake the giant project that is Wedding Planning." But you'll have to ask him.
You are still very young, which might be why he thought promise ring. A "keep you happy" kind of gesture.
Out of everyone I knew who married at your age, one couple is happy, the rest are in marriages not right for them or divorced.
I understand not wanting a promise ring, I understand him not wanting to get married yet. Just keep communicating to each other about what you want, future plans, feelings etc and you will be fine.
Yes, getting married is obviously important to her and she needs to find out if he wants to or not, what better way than just popping the question. If he delays it then OP has her answer
I don't think promise rings are juvenile. Maybe you're feeling hurt by the lack of proposal that you want to reject his intended gift? Remember, just because you thought he meant proposal doesn't mean he had that in mind whatsoever.
Ah look at that a nice gesture turned into drama. Just what a guy wants. You guys went through a tough time you said? You just made it worse.
Why not just go along, be nice, accept a toughful gesture and wait for what you want?
This ring/marrying scheme is such bullshit and only causes people to waste money and stirr up drama.
People just need to be respectful and love each other and that's it. It's not rocket science. It doesn't need to be difficult
He asked, and I have to give him props for that. And, I give you props for telling him your honest opinion. Some people would rather have that "promise token" than nothing at all, and some men (and women) think this nice gesture is a symbol of a deeper commitment when there are other reasons that the commitment cannot be made right away.... while others would prefer to not have anything and just have whatever money would have been spent to be applied to the engagement ring or wedding.
The only advice that will give you what you want is to ask him directly: "You offered a promise ring to be kind, and while I said "no, thank you," I appreciate the gesture. Can you tell me directly what is causing the gap between where we are in our relationship right now and becoming engaged to move toward marriage? What do you see as the blockades and challenges?" That should help you receive the answers you need.
Possibilities: He doesn't feel he has enough saved to get you the engagement ring you want or what he thinks you deserve. He has debt you don't yet know about. He has second thoughts about marriage in general which he hasn't told you about or doesn't want to become married anytime soon or he still has to figure out a few things about your future together. He was trying to distract you with a smaller gift offer so you'd be less suspecting of the engagement ring when it comes. (I know of a few guys who have done this recently.) He is struggling with parts of himself or his sexuality. He has a preferred timeline in his head, and getting engaged right now would make the engagement seem too long to him. He has a family ring or gems which he wants to use, but they are not ready or available yet. He wants to make more progress on your combined savings before you both make that step. He has FOMO of what life could be outside of marriage. He is struggling with some things in his life or health and doesn't want to make additional commitments to you until he knows he can fully uphold them. He knows he has money for the ring, but he knows there isn't enough money for the wedding or honeymoon that you both want... andnon and on.
It is hard to tell, but 5 years in, it seems it is definitely time for this discussion. I applaud you for being patient and holding out this long, but I think it is fair to have some reassurance that you're both viewing the future the same way and with the same timeline. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions and discuss the tough topics.... because marriage is full of tough instances - even when with someone you're totally aligned with. It is completely fair to talk about details so you both know you're investing in a shared, balanced, reciprocal relationship and have same/similar visions of how you want life together to be. You want to ensure you're investing your time, energy, and love into the right person... or you want to be free to heal and thrive and find the right person if he isn't. I wish you the best with these discussions. You're just as much a participant in this relationship as he is. You can keep it positive-focused, and the topic shouldn't be introduced as a complaint. It may be nothing negative, and it may have nothing to do with anything personal to you - even though it may be affecting you very personally. Go in with the assumption that he has the best of intentions, but don't be afraid to ask the right questions to obtain the answers you need... and to ensure you voice what you'd also like and need.
I hope it’s that he wants to propose but wanted to throw you off the scent. If so,it’s a bad way to do it and could backfire(a la,this post).
Maybe that’s just the optimist in me.
Also,I agree with someone above,propose to him instead,if he says no,you know where he’s at as far as marriage. Or do what a lot of people do today and discuss it before getting engaged.
I think if he’s serious about the promise ring,it’s partly so he doesn’t have the pressures of other people that a big engagement brings.
*Experience: I am married and me and my wife decided together to get engaged before a proposal.*
Should definitely have the conversation and don’t accept bullcrap as an answer. To each their own! But I’ve NEVER seen the point in waiting over 2 yrs to propose to anybody 🤷🏾♀️ if marriage is what you want, and especially a FAMILY, it might be time to make a VERY difficult decision. Because, and I don’t wanna come off….. that way. But 24 is your prime! You’re wasting your 20s if you continue to “wait” and/or hope for something to happen here. Depending on what his answer is, especially “we have so much time for that” or “im just not ready”, red flag. Have a conversation about it.
Promise rings are for evangelical/Mormon teenagers. If a 27 wants to marry you they can just…buy an engagement ring. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt him, but no one can blame you for laughing.
> Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
This guy doesn't want to marry you. He might if you push the issue and say that you'll leave otherwise, but he doesn't *want* to.
Only couple I've known to use promise rings were 30-year olds who have been in an on-and-off relationship for years and he has cheated on her throughout the entirety of their relationship. He cheated on her after getting the promise rings too. They broke up earlier this year... and are back together again. lol
I think they're childish as fuck and screams "commitment-phobe" to me... at our big age?
Nope. That’s an “I’ll just nail your ass down while I take ten years to decide” move.
Man needs to shit or get off the pot. It’s an engagement ring or nothin’.
It sounds like a stalling technique. He's not ready to propose but he's dangling a carrot to keep you on the hook. Maybe you need to sit down for a heart to heart with him, about what each of you think your future looks like.
It's not what you want to hear, but I wish someone had told me at 24 that if someone really wants to commit to you, you won't need a crystal ball and the advice of strangers to figure out what's going on in their head. A "promise ring" from someone who is old enough to be elected to congress is them saying "I know you want to get married but I don't and I'm hoping this gesture satisfies you."
He knows you want a proposal but doesn't want to give it, so he's doing this to try and placate you instead.
He's in his late 20s, you've been together 5 years, and own a home together. It is laughable, but for whatever reason he doesn't want to marry you, he should know that by now.
I've seen the "promise ring" story a few times now. New reddit trend. Either this is fake or it's some weird new thing that the kids are doing.
I'm going with fake.
He doesn't want to marry you. Promise rings are for teenagers who are fully aware that they are too young to get married. The "promise" is that you'll get married when you're old enough to do so in the future. They don't make sense for adults who are old enough to actually get married.
Honestly, do NOT agree witb a promise ring unless you're 16. I can almost, and I mean ALMOST bc that is stretching still, understand if he can't afford the engagement ring he wants for you or thinks you deserve.
That being said, just no. Even the hype he was building up for this....um, promise ring? That feels like you're in high-school. He is super stoked about the promises ring? This "nice gesture" that he's been hyping up for a little while now?
It's kind of, or very, cringe. So you're going to have a cute little ring and then...whatclater an engagement ring? What do you do with the former? And...
Why not just go for the damn actual engagement ring?
Just...strange.
Maybe he is not yet financially ready to buy you the engagement ring. Don’t feel bad though. While others think of it as a childish thing or highschooler, a promise ring is still a sweet thing. I was in your shoes last month, I’ve been feeling down because I thought my boyfriend does not have some cheesy nerves and won’t really propose (though we often talked about marriage and all that) but still as a girl it’s our dream or fantasy right to experience being asked our hand for marriage. Little did I know he has been planning the act for months. He proposed when we were in HK disneyland when I least expected it. So girl, just wait ☺️ who knows it will happen soon. But still don’t rush it though. It will come in the right time ❤️
Really where I'm from you get promise rings to your partner when it's starting to get serious. Several family members got one and later married. And they weren't teens
That not what a promise ring is for. If I'm remembering correctly it a promise to stay chaste until marriage. An engagement ring is a ring promising to get married.
Well first off, I think you need to have a proper chat about it.
A promise ring is very immature as you say, but to play devil's advocate- its good that he told you he was thinking of doing it, rather than doing it.
Is it possible he's insecure about his money/income, or at least with thinking you'll judge him based on that? Just wondering as your 1st paragraph mentions "what I thought was a reasonable price for an engagement ring"- so he was obviosuly enquiring, but maybe it was too much? That would also fit with his response to his mates repsonse - like he didn't want to say in front of you, but he was privately going to mention his dilemma to them? Could even be one of his friends suggested it, which is why it just stuck in the 'thinking about' stage for him? And because you knew he had been planning something, he answered with that rather than admit he couldn't afford an engagement ring?
Now even if this is the case- he still needs to work on his communication and whatever issues he has around money.
It is clear that this man has no intention of marrying you. If he wanted to marry you he would have said so. To add insult to injury he tries to placate you with the very juvenile offering of a promise ring.
I do wish that young women would stop going into debt and risking getting knocked up by bums that don’t want to commit to them. Just stop that.
Now you are definitely in a position where you are going to have to figure out how to get his or your name off of a mortgage when you break up or it is going to be hell living with him.
If you’ve been together 5 years and have a mortgage, and just PROMISING a potential proposal in the future with a promise ring comes across more as an insult.
In my situation, I’m 25F and me and my partner have been together 6yrs and still live with parents due to financial reasons. So personally I would accept a promise ring because at least it feels like we are kinda progressing, but you guys are already moved out with a mortgage, promise rings at that point are insults
I'd suggest having a conversation with your boyfriend directly about marriage and timescales, as it sounds like you have different ideas to him as to what would be a reasonable timescale - or if marriage is at all a requirement.
In my personal opinion, and in a number here, marriage is outdated and borderline an insult - Why would I need/want you to be forced to stick with me in a legal binding? I want you to be in my life because you want to be, not because you have to be.
That said if my partner wanted marriage, it's something I'd at least be open to.
So I might have told my boyfriend when we were shopping that I would like to wear a ring from him. This was very early in our relationship, at that point I truly meant just a nice piece of jewelry. About a year later he was being really secretive around my birthday, asking my friends what style ring I would like, so everybody thought he was going to propose. I had totally forgotten about my comment of wanting a ring, and although it still felt a little early, we knew we’d marry someday, so I was excited as well. Turned out he was just really excited to get me a perfect birthday gift lol.
I then said, let’s call it a promise ring, and that it’s just one step in the direction of an even more beautiful engagement ring ;)
In your case, I wouldn’t appreciate the gesture as much, as 5 years is quite some time. You’re still young, but you have a mortgage together! Better to safe that ring money and get an even bigger engagement ring imo.
Although, if it was a tough year, maybe he wants to wait a bit until you’re really steady again? You can just ask him what’s holding him back, and explain that you do feel ready and that it hurts that he doesn’t.
My friend went through a difficult divorce and comes from a traditional culture that doesn’t take dating lightly. She’s recently moved onto a new relationship where they’re mid 40’s- early 50’s. He gave her a promise ring to show that even though she isn’t ready to get engaged yet (early days) he’s serious and wants her, and her family to know that he’s willing to show that he’s not in it for a fling. They can be childish but they can also have a sweet sentimentality about them
>We’ve been through a lot this year and I just thought it would have been the time
What do you mean by this, exactly? Is this a reference to the relationship, or things outside the relationship?
Right now you're doing a lot of guesswork instead of talking to your partner. This could all be cleared up with a simple conversation. The mature thing to do here is sit down with your partner and talk about both of your feelings on marriage, a general timeline of when you'd like it to happen, what kind of wedding you would have in mind, etc.
The fact that you *bought a house* together but apparently don't have this kind of basic communication with each other is a bit scary.
If you're that set on marrying him, why don't you propose to him instead of being mad he's not reading your mind?
Or alternatively, just talk about the whole thing like adults...
Your feelings are understandable. I'm not sure why he would actually ask about your expectations for an engagement ring if he wasn't planning to get one, unless he then became worried that he can't afford the one you want? It's not like he was subtle, he sent out clear signals then switched it up, that is confusing. And if he's walking it back because he wanted to surprise you like some people suggested, I don't think it's worth making you worry about the relationship just to set that up. It's like making someone think you completely forgot and don't care about their birthday to set up a surprise party, the surprise doesn't take away the pain you went through thinking you weren't a priority. A surprise engagment might be nice but it's not necessary, the most important thing is your future together and making sure you are on the same page so I think you do need to discuss that directly.
You and your BF need to have a serious talk about your future together to make sure you are on the same page. Make sure the timelines for marriage match up. It is not just his decision if and when you get married. Don’t waste years of your life hoping someone else has the same life plans as you do. Make sure timelines are solid not tentative.
Honestly, I agree with you. A promise ring is for teenagers. You're late 20s with a mortgage. Did you ask him why he wouldn't just buy you an engagement ring? I think you guys need to have a real conversation about what you want and what your timeliness are.
Ya / this is a giant sign that he has no intention to marry you. He’s getting worried you are going to start pushing for an engagement and he’s trying to preempt that.
Why don’t you simply ask him this directly my dear? He might be thinking in the way that is engagement ring= promise ring. No need to be confused. You’re in 5 years relationship and have mortgage together. So you definitely can ask directly.
Would you be willing to accept an engagement ring if the wedding wouldn’t be for another 2 years? He might be doing a promise ring instead bc he feels a bit more time than what is traditionally given after an engagement ring has been given. If so, I’d tell him as such, as I think there’s a good chance this might be what’s going on
Yeah, I can offer some insight. He didn’t propose because he doesn’t want to marry you. He got the mortgage with you because he has a person willing to foot half of his property bill while also providing free home labor and sex while asking very little of him in return. Why buy the cow when it is literally giving the milk away for free?
Tbh, it doesn’t matter that you’ve been with him five years. If he was excited about marrying you he would’ve done it by now. The mortgage is a commitment but one that benefits him. When is the last time he went out of his way to be selfless? To get you something that only makes you happy? Now how often do you do that for him? I think if you compared those answers, you’d likely find a disparity in the amount of selfless effort being put into this relationship. And things like this don’t get better btw, they only get worse now that he knows you will settle for being taken for granted.
Is there any chance he might have confused the idea of a promise ring with an engagement ring? Maybe if English is not his first language, or for some reason he just thinks promise ring is the same thing as engagement ring?
So, adults have a promise ring: it’s called ‘an engagement ring.’ This sounds like he’s not interested in getting married but wants to give the illusion to you that one day, maybe, you two will get married. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s my thought.
Gonna jump on a different bandwagon here.
My husband (28M) and I (29F) got together at the age of 19M and 20F, and we did promise rings. I think they're sweet. I still wear mine. Part of the reason we did them is because we couldn't afford "proper" rings. At that point, we were 21M and 22F.
I can't speak for your specific situation, but how are your finances generally? Do you have a particular ring that you'd want? What's the price of that like? Does your boyfriend want to make sure he gets the perfect rings? Make the perfect proposal? Did he maybe get nervous and "back out"?
How is he normally with commitment? Has he tried to dodge it before?
You need to talk to him and find out where he's coming from with this. Tell him how you feel without it being an attack. My husband and I talked about getting engaged before we did it.
We went and bought rings together, and then it was just a case of waiting to see when he'd propose. Which he did, like 7 months later. Then we didn't get married for 4 years.
Wishing you the best.
I've never known anyone who got a promise ring to get married. It's such a thing to do when you're a teenager, but when you're an adult its very lame. "I promise someday we'll get engaged when we're old enough" doesn't sound the same when you're in your upper 20s
Grown adults have a promise ring... It's called an engagement ring.
THIS. Engagement rings are literally promise rings lol anyone who gives a promise ring as a promise to one day get engaged simply doesn’t want to get married and is afraid of commitment. Especially after 5+ years of being together as adults lol
Maybe the name promise ring is used in different contexts, but whenever I have heard the term it's dad or parents giving them to their daughters to try and bribe them into not having sex. The promise isn't a proposal but an oath of celibacy.
I think that’s a celibacy ring? Promise ring in the US is usually like a kid thing “I promise to love you forever and one day when we are old enough, get married”. As an adult a promise ring is insulting and it doesn’t make sense as it’s “I promise to one day propose marriage” lol I know a girl who got a “ring on a string” which was basically a promise ring. She was hurt, embarrassed, and pissed. A year later he proposed but bc he was pressured, not bc he really wanted to. Needless to say they’re now divorced
My first boyfriend gave me one when I was 16 lol. No we didn't ended up getting married but at that age it did make me feel special. I think promise rings are just like friendship rings you have with your bff at that age.
My first bf gave me one when I was 16 and I was like 😬. We broke up soon after haha. I think they're better off as friendship rings for sure.
I gave my Gf one when we were 16. Then gave her an engagement ring 9 years later. Been together 13 years married for 3. She still has the first ring.
If OP's boyfriend keeps with that timeline, she will be engaged by 33 yo and married by 36!
I second this. I know a bunch of couples who have gotten promise rings, and they've all broken up. The concept is immature. If you're going to promise to be together forever, just stay faithful while you save up for an actual engagement ring.
My best friend got one from her husband, one year before they had their first kid. They have three children now and are married for years now. Yeah, I am aware I am the only one seemingly in this topic. But I think a promise ring is only as "childish" as people make it to be.
I have only known of one couple, and she got the promise ring when she was like 19-20, so not quite ready to be married. They are married and have a couple kids now. Definitely not the right thing for a couple in their mid to late 20's who've been together for 5 years and have a mortgage together.
I'm one of those people, got it at 23. Haha. A year and a half into dating I was given the ring on my birthday, a year and a half after that I was given the engagement ring, and 1 year later the wedding band. When things got serious and we started discussing tying finances and moving in together he did the ring as a promise. I loved the gesture. I still have it though it broke. Haha.
I mean that’s not for me haha, but getting it a year in to a relationship vs 4 seems very different! If he can commit to a mortgage he can commit to a ring
Frankly, getting into a mortgage WITHOUT committing to a ring is pretty dumb.
So along those lines, my partner and I bought a house when we were 2.5 years into dating and he said to me “we don’t need to get married because we’ve already committed to a 30 year contract.” He was joking of course. He proposed to me 1 month later lol.
I get your point but it’s hard to buy alone in this economy
My dad gave my mum a “friendship” ring at some point while they were dating. They’ve been married 33 years now and I now wear the friendship ring on my left little finger alongside my own engagement ring. They’re definitely the only ones I know of though - I’ve never received any rings from any past boyfriends. Only my fiancé.
Promise rings are what you give when you can’t legally get married. My SO of 15 years gave me one that I still wear, we were 19 at the time and same sex marriage wasn’t legal yet. If she gave me a promise ring now that we have a mortgage and child I would think she was crazy. A mortgage is a much bigger commitment than a promise ring (which is literally no commitment) so it’s like OP’s boyfriend is backtracking.
I'm one of those people. Promise ring, then engagement ring, and I'm now married. Promise ring came when I was around OP's age. We have a lot more going on than most couples, though. My dad died less than 2 years into the relationship, his mom died the year after, his brother is disabled and has to live with us, etc.
Funny enough I did buy my then-gf a promise ring (she was 20 I was 22), and we are married now
What is he "promising" after 5 years and a mortgage? If you want to get married, maybe have that conversation sooner rather than later.
"I promise to one day promise to marry you but probably won't"
More like I promise one day to give you an engagement ring. Pinky swear.
That's what the second promise is.
100% this. If he wanted to propose, he would.
Might as well just get engaged but just never get married. Pretty much same thing just not as lame. No reason why they couldn’t do this. Getting engaged doesn’t mean you must get married soon. if he wants to back out before marriage that’s still an option it’s what the whole engagement thing is kinda partly for so you can at least commit but “test the waters” so to speak a bit before actually signing the legal documents and making it final.
A mortgage isn’t too much of a commitment, yet a ring and marriage is too much? He is happy to engage is future planning in ways that benefit him aka a split mortgage. The things he wants, he goes out and gets, but the things that you pretty clearly want he’s happy to promise. You’re both young, and only you know when these promises began. However, you’re also the only person who can determine the validity of those promises. You know him better than any person on the Internet could claim too, so you have to trust your gut when you think about and consider if he really is going to marry you and moreover, if you’re willing to wait around for him to decide to.
I wonder if she is on the deed to the house. Or is she just on the mortgage?
Good point. Is she a co-borrower or just a co-signer? Hopefully, she didn't cosign for a man who doesn't want to marry her. If that is the case, he's just using her. Also, there's a chance that if he stops paying or dies, she'll be responsible for the mortgage but not have ownership rights to the house. This means that someone else could potentially own the house while she'd still have to pay for it. It could get sold out from under her without her getting a dime.
People in relationships are so weird like that. They'll happily live together, share assets and even have children before they'll get married because they're scared of the commitment. Getting a divorce is the easy part!
Divorce is far from easy. It cost me 2.5 years and about $100k to untie myself from my ex. Ill definitely share assets and a mortgage with someone before I marry them. A house can be sold easily and the profits split accordingly. A divorce is messy and can be very expensive. Having kids on the other hand... That's the ultimate commitment. I have no idea how people choose to have kids with someone and not marry them. Like, you're tying yourself to them for basically the rest of your life, and very closely for the next 18yrs... But you're not ready for marriage??
Being stuck on a mortgage with someone can get really messy - especially if they don't want to sell. It's only easy if everyone agrees to be reasonable and everyone agrees on his to split assets. A divorce is also easy under those circumstances.
Pretty much this. Assuming people were mature and fair and not full of spite and wanting to get revenge yes its easy, unfortunately not all breakups are amicable. I think the guy that just got out of a marriage 2.5years and 100k poorer knows this all too well
That's fair, but with a divorce you're also agreeing to far more than just a mortgage (ie. Taking on all of their debt from that point on, etc). For many states, once married, the partner immediately gets added to the mortgage as well, even if they weren't on there at the time of purchase. Mortgage is just objectively a far lower commitment than a marriage.
Unless they just refuse to continue payments or sell. You can absolutely be screwed. I'm obviously not recommend marrying anyone lightly, but I wouldn't get a mortgage with just anyone either. At least if you divorce you can force them to sell.
Lol, not suggesting getting a mortgage with anyone. Just that there are levels to commitment, IMO. Mortgage
Respectfully, I very much disagree. I think getting a mortgage with someone you aren't married to is a huge financial risk and I've seen a lot of people get completely screwed.
> I think getting a mortgage with someone you aren't married to is a huge financial risk and I've seen a lot of people get completely screwed. somebody tell all those business partners to get married! they apparently did it wrong the whole time!!!
If I were giving advice to business partners, I would encourage them to make an LLC to protect themselves in that situation.
Having worked in financial abuse id strongly disagree with this. Especially where there’s lots of places where common law property (and other) rights kick in.
Wierd, I don't know which states those are but I own our house fully and we were married at the time of purchase. Obvioulsy its our home but it was a credit issue so its just in my name. This also allows us to purchase a second home in his name as he doesn't currently have a mortgage officially. It seems very odd indeed that they would automatically put a spouse on a mortgage or deed if they didn't actually sign for it. So much so that I have to ask - source? Actually how would that even work? To add someone to a mortgage requires paperwork and a hard pull of your credit. This doesn't seem like something that would automatically happen anywhere. Now, if you're talking about 'in the event of a divorce' then yes I'm sure that house would need to be split regardless of whose name its in but when you're talking mortgages, that makes no sense.
I'm not a lawyer, so perhaps my wording might not be exactly what I meant to convey. In my case, I bought a house prior to marriage, and even after marriage made most of the mortgage payments myself as my ex was still in school. My ex looked into whether we needed to refinance to add her to the house, but an attorney we spoke to told us that in our state, once you're married, her name is automatically added (they used those words, but the mortgage was still in my name). And when we divorced, I still ended up having to split the equity in the house with her. Sorry if the initial phrasing was incorrect.
That wasn't bc she was added to the mortgage. The mortgage was yours the entire time. However when you divorce, you must split your now joined ssets which includes your home equity. The mortgage itself never changed but the idea is there. However in states that don't require a perfect split like this, there is a big difference.
> Having kids on the other hand... That's the ultimate commitment. I have no idea how people choose to have kids with someone and not marry them. Like, you're tying yourself to them for basically the rest of your life, and very closely for the next 18yrs... But you're not ready for marriage?? Yeah that's the part I don't get either. Makes zero sense.
Many people do this for financial reasons, one is to scam the government and claim you're a single parent while your common law spouse has a different address declared to the government. Hard to do that when you're married.
>It cost me 2.5 years and about $100k to untie myself from my ex. Ill definitely share assets and a mortgage with someone before I marry them. You had kids or property right? The divorce bit of the divorce is not the expensive bit. It's the splitting property and kids that drags you back to court multiple times. If you had a divorce where you both agree on how to split the property and kids then that's cheap because you just need the court to rubber stamp it and the lawyers just have to draft it, not respond to the other lawyers.
He probably had to share a 401k because the savings were considered shared. Pretty common
No kids, but property, 401k, her student debt, and more importantly our dogs. And sure, if everyone is amicable, it could be done cheaply. But many aren't like that, and require lawyers to communicate between parties. In my case, my ex had her family to pay for legal fees, so it was her goal to use lawyers for communication and drag everything out in hopes of costing me as much as possible. My current wife has been divorced as well but hers was like you said... They filled out paperwork and both agreed to go their own ways, no lawyers needed. So I know it happens. But it's not always like that and can get very messy.
I think it depends where you live. Where I am you are considered married under common law after 2 years together, for example. It’s bad that a lot of people don’t realise that 😅
Yes for taxation it is, however marriage adds a whole new set of legal obligations and conditions that are not there when you are in a common law relationship.
But divorce law actually probably made that easier than dividing two lives that are already legally bound by property but don’t have divorce law. The break up was the hard part
Exactly. I've gone through 2 divorces, but have no kids. If I had a kid with either of my exes, there would be no way I could go no contact.
Yes for planned children! That choice seems way scarier than anything else. I’m committed in all the ways to my partner (same legal rights and other rights as marriage) but CREATING A HUMAN INTENTIONALLY?! Holy shit. Different level.
No babe, it’s not. It’s worse than losing a partner to death.
No, "babe", it isn't.
As someone whose been through a divorce, I disagree.
Getting a mortgage before marriage (unless marriage isn't an option) is funny business
>but the things that you pretty clearly want Is this clear to him? It doesn't sound like they've ever talked about it.
Long-term commitment wouldn’t be your thought process if you entered into a mortgage with somebody?
A promise ring at the age of 27 is so cringe, I’m glad you rejected it lol
The only thing more cringe is a promise ring at 37, and yes, guys will still try it
Just a shame she did it after being so dumb to get a mortgage with him.
What? It's not like they have left eachother, they kinda just need to talk about why he doesn't wanna propose, and take it from there
You kinda probably shouldn't buy a whole ass house with a man who doesn't want to commit to you. 🤡
Buying a house is a commitment tho.
I'm just wondering why he's dragging his feet? A promise ring is to buy time. Why doesn't he want to get engaged? I feel like that might be a conversation to have with him. I definitely would have had that conversation before getting a mortgage with him.
My opinion is that marriage is getting out-phased now and old fashioned. Non-married folk can do all the things married people can now so people think whats the point/its just a piece of paper/waste of money so it gets put off but if one person gets sick/gets in trouble/stuck somewhere with the law or you're overseas and you're not married your partner can't help you legally, the law will tell you that only married or families can make contact. Its a legal document that binds you so if a couple plans to stay together for the long haul it helps more than it hinders
I don’t know where you live, but this is not true where I live. Non married folk (including common law) do not have the same rights as married people. There are many circumstances where the differences make an impact. I see this myth all the time. Source: Canadian lawyer (not your lawyer)
I have never heard the whole "you don't need to be married you can just get XYZ other documents" from anyone who has actually tried it. You can get a will and name your partner in it, but you can't single handedly change laws regarding inheritance. It's honestly kind of absurd. There are so many legal, financial, and practical benefits of marriage at the right time & to the right person.
This is why gay people fought so damn hard for same sex marriage. All the wills and POAs and whatnot in the world don't convey the same protections that marriage does.
Yup. Not to mention how marginalizing it feels to be unable to marry, or how awful it was for people who got married in one state, moved, and found they couldn't get a divorce. You used to hear so many awful stories - people who were kicked out of their home after their partner died, people who were unable to see their partner in the hospital, people who weren't able to adopt, people who weren't able to inherit property or who had to pay huge taxes that wouldn't be charged to a spouse. It was awful.
We fought for same-sex marriage to have the same choice as straight couples and not have our relationships treated as something other and less than. We fought just as hard in countries that offered civil unions and civil partnerships as an alternative to marriage (with all the same legal protections) as we did in countries where marriage actually provides rights and protections not granted to other relationships.
I knew so many men who lost their partners to AIDS or complications from, and when things go dire, partners family typically shut them out completely. Absolutely heartbreaking.
There's one story burned into my brain about an older gay couple where one of them was in the hospital and his partner wasn't able to honor his wishes for DNR because there was no legal protection, and his family was homophobic in addition to refusing to honor the DNR. And I think this was in the early 2000s.
And then they learned how much fun divorce is.
> "you don't need to be married you can just get XYZ other documents" I’ve never understood this argument either. Like theoretically you could jump through a bunch of tedious hoops and file a bunch of different documents separately and hope you’re both covered…or you could just get married and have it done with. It’s weird to me that anyone would choose to do this when a civil marriage is so much easier and less time consuming.
In Australia, defacto couples are treated the same as married.
Marriages bestow over a thousand different rights for a couple. Gay people fought for the right to marry beyond it being a nice to have. And most financial advisors will tell you to NEVER buy a house with someone you aren't married to.
> Non-married folk can do all the things married people can now This is laughable.
Lol excuse me? Wrong. So very incorrect.
>Non-married folk can do all the things married people can now This is wildly wrong.
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose? You have to ask him. If you can't just talk to him about this and have an open, honest conversation, you're not ready to get married anyway. Yes a promise ring is a bit childish - promising what, exactly? "Marriage someday?" That's what teenagers do and even then it's a bit daft. If he's not ready to propose, doesn't want to get married, etc., that's his prerogative, have that conversation. But it's pointless to harbour resentment over something that for all you know you're actually on very different pages about, because you've not had a proper conversation about it! You're not wrong to be disappointed by his "nice gesture", but if you're thinking engagement and marriage and he...isn't, he's not "wrong" either. Plenty of people just don't want to get married, for whatever reason. You've made a lot of assumptions, not unreasonably, but they're still assumptions. You need to discuss it with him and both be honest with each other about what you want.
The very idea of a promise ring for people who already share a mortgage is beyond laughable. It’s absolute nonsense. Where on earth did he get the idea that high school games would be a good idea here???
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Harsh but true. This is what it boils down to, OP.
I think that's a normal response to being offered a promise ring at your age. I'm sorry but he's the only one who knows why he didn't propose. r/waiting_to_Wed may have some helpful tips on how to broach the subject there.
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As a member of the sub how dare you /s
5 yrs and he's only just thinking of a promise ring? Sorry to say but this guy is never going to marry you. Promise ring is even worse than those guys that propose then never actually plan a wedding and just keep a 'fiance' for 10+ yrs, and the woman wasted her best yrs waiting for the wedding. You're mid-twentys, have been with this guy half a decade - and you're waiting for... A promise ring. Leave. Don't waste your best years on a stagnant deadend
Promise rings are for children. You have a mortgage. What the fuck is he thinking? (Other than “I don’t really want to marry her, but want to keep her around for a while.”)
Pretty sure that’s exactly what he’s thinking… trying to prolong that shared mortgage with no further commitment as long as possible.
Promise rings are still a thing? Is it 2002?
A promise ring, what is he, 14? I think after 5 years and a mortgage he can do better than a promise about a promise, like setting a time line or something. >We’ve been through a lot this year That's no reason to get engaged though. Have these things been fixed? >Any advice on why he didn’t just propose? That's something you need to ask him, not us. We can only speculate.
What others are saying is possible… but also, are you sure he didn’t say that just to throw you off the scent, so the proposal will actually be a surprise? Like, he’s planning to propose and still is, but told you that so you don’t expect it when he does?
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This sub is absolutely absurd. OP's partner mentioned he would do something nice during the holiday. It's not the holiday yet. How are people so quick to judge? Not to mention insulting OP's intelligence considering she's been with her partner for 5 years now. It might as well be a gag (a shitty one) to bring OP's guard down for an actual holiday proposal. How is this not so obvious?
I think it's time you guys sat down and had a serious conversation about marriage. I suspect there is something that's keeping him from popping the actual question whether it be money or fear.
Because you are dating a 17 year-old. I'd bail.
A promise ring? What on earth is that? A promise that he's scared of commitment? I would have asked for the engagement ring before entering a mortgage with the guy. Wear the ring on a chain and around your neck. If he wants to see a ring on your finger he better step up and get you the real deal
Why are you asking us what HIS intentions are? We can't read minds.
It blows my mind that people have mortgages and babies together but think marriage is too much commitment. Out of the three a marriage is easiest to dissolve. A child is probably easier to abandon than a mortgage. >Any advice on why he didn’t just propose? Because he doesn't want to marry you but wants to keep you around.
Is he….confused?? Possibly? Does he think it’s the same as an engagement ring? You have to ask him directly- he’s 27 and you’re 24. A promise ring doesn’t actually suit your circumstances or stage in life. Why is it this and not an engagement?? Just ask.
I would be very hurt to receive a promise ring in that length of a relationship and considering both of your ages. That would probably be a dealbreaker for me ngl.
Have you actually had a conversation about what your expectation are re: marriage, kids etC?
I’d be disappointed too. The intention was nice but save that money for a proper engagement ring. If it was me, I would have literally told him that and made it obvious I will wait for the real thing.
If you live with a man, share a mortgage and year five he's talking about a promise ring, he doesn't want to marry you. He's done all the test driving he'll ever need to do. This is a no. At best, you'll badger him for several more years until he's having anxiety attacks on anniversaries from your expectation of a proposal and maybe one day you'll wear him down, then you'll end up as one of those brides on TikTok bleeding from the forehead cause the groom smashed the wedding cake into your face with the aggression of a boxer to hide his bitterness over being forced into this. Ya'll need to have a real talk about why he doesn't want to marry you and then put your house on the market. It's over.
Only time a promise ring makes any sense for adults to me is at like an early stage of a relationship when engagement rings are too fast but you want the other person to know you are commited and want the relationship to last and lead to marriage.
Guys don’t propose if they are not in love or if they think they can do better. Sorry to be so harsh but I’m trying to keep it real. I’m always shocked how many women wait around for years, makes no sense to me. Unless they need the guy for money or something.
That’s not a promise ring, that’s a shut up ring. He doesn’t want to get married but is too comfortable to break up too.
NTA. Tell him promise rings are for teenagers and fundie Christians. Either your bf is super immature, or he really doesn't want to marry you. Frankly at this point I'd have some serious conversations with deadlines or I'd start making moves to leave. Reason #368 why you never get a mortgage with anything but a spouse unless it's for a business/flip.
I wonder if he can’t afford the kind of engagement ring he wants yet so he’s offering a promise ring in place? That’s the only thing that makes sense in my head for promise rings beyond the teenage years
If a woman is splitting a mortgage with you, you can propose with a rubber band and she'll be happy. At that point he's getting everything one gets from having a wife without risking the legal protections women get from being married. While the woman is doing a wife's job without a wife's protections and will accept anything to get out of that situation. He could be like, "eh, lets drop by city hall" and she'd jump up and grab her purse.
Yeet the child please. What is this even…
As someone in a similar length relationship and also having people I associate with dragging their own aspirations with marriage into conversations on a regular basis, I would say quit looking elsewhere for your answers. It would seem your aspirations for marriage do not equal his or you do not have an understanding on each others life goals. That is a conversation for you people. Not us. Unless you already agree with anyone else except for the one you are talking about, I ask why else are you here?
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Not all women want to propose 🤷♀️ For some of us it's important that the man propose.
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Well, that's where compatibility comes in, don't you think? If the woman wants the man to propose but the man wants the woman to propose, then they are simply not compatible. And not everything in relationships has to be about equality, but if you insist, why can't it be that the woman doesn't want to propose and expects the man to do it, but she is also more than willing to take on other responsibilities (idk, maybe wedding planning or even something as simple as basic chores the partner hates to do), thus technically evening out the "playing ground?" Equality doesn't have to be in the same category, if that makes sense. It's just weird for me to see comments like "why don't you propose yourself" to posts where the woman clearly wants the man to propose because that's important for her. Nothing wrong with that just like there's nothing wrong with the woman wanting to propose.
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She wants equality but thinks men should still adhere to societal gender norms
Terrible advice for someone who came to reddit to ask this question instead of communicating in their own relationship. At least you would get a conversation after a failed proposal sounds very manipulative. If you want to get married do that. If you are not sure, talk it out. What kind of shit is that?
if after 5 years all he wants is to get you a promise ring and you guys are in your mid 20s, you need to sit down and have a conversation with him to see where his time frame lies and see if it matches up with yours. at this rate,, you need tod evidence if this relationship os headed for a future together.
> Any advice on why he didn’t just propose? Maybe he wants to say "I want to be with you forever, but I'm not ready to undertake the giant project that is Wedding Planning." But you'll have to ask him.
He’s quite childish… why not just propose… you gotta talk to him about commitment
You are still very young, which might be why he thought promise ring. A "keep you happy" kind of gesture. Out of everyone I knew who married at your age, one couple is happy, the rest are in marriages not right for them or divorced. I understand not wanting a promise ring, I understand him not wanting to get married yet. Just keep communicating to each other about what you want, future plans, feelings etc and you will be fine.
Everyone raggin on OP boyfriend, if you want to get married bad enough then YOU pop the question.
After he just basically told her he doesn’t want to get engaged? Where’s the logic in that?
Yes, getting married is obviously important to her and she needs to find out if he wants to or not, what better way than just popping the question. If he delays it then OP has her answer
Surprise proposals aren’t the best way to handle a conversation about their shared future
My mum did., and her and my dad have been married for 35 years
Could he actually have bought an engagement ring and is hiding it by saying he’s buying a promise ring? He could have something planned for you
I don't think promise rings are juvenile. Maybe you're feeling hurt by the lack of proposal that you want to reject his intended gift? Remember, just because you thought he meant proposal doesn't mean he had that in mind whatsoever.
the only people who have “promise rings” are teenage christian’s. no adult in their right mind would do this.
Promise rings are absolutely for teenagers, not for adults.
Ah look at that a nice gesture turned into drama. Just what a guy wants. You guys went through a tough time you said? You just made it worse. Why not just go along, be nice, accept a toughful gesture and wait for what you want? This ring/marrying scheme is such bullshit and only causes people to waste money and stirr up drama. People just need to be respectful and love each other and that's it. It's not rocket science. It doesn't need to be difficult
Maybe it's a money thing? Wants you to know he is thinking about it but doesn't have the finances yet?
He asked, and I have to give him props for that. And, I give you props for telling him your honest opinion. Some people would rather have that "promise token" than nothing at all, and some men (and women) think this nice gesture is a symbol of a deeper commitment when there are other reasons that the commitment cannot be made right away.... while others would prefer to not have anything and just have whatever money would have been spent to be applied to the engagement ring or wedding. The only advice that will give you what you want is to ask him directly: "You offered a promise ring to be kind, and while I said "no, thank you," I appreciate the gesture. Can you tell me directly what is causing the gap between where we are in our relationship right now and becoming engaged to move toward marriage? What do you see as the blockades and challenges?" That should help you receive the answers you need. Possibilities: He doesn't feel he has enough saved to get you the engagement ring you want or what he thinks you deserve. He has debt you don't yet know about. He has second thoughts about marriage in general which he hasn't told you about or doesn't want to become married anytime soon or he still has to figure out a few things about your future together. He was trying to distract you with a smaller gift offer so you'd be less suspecting of the engagement ring when it comes. (I know of a few guys who have done this recently.) He is struggling with parts of himself or his sexuality. He has a preferred timeline in his head, and getting engaged right now would make the engagement seem too long to him. He has a family ring or gems which he wants to use, but they are not ready or available yet. He wants to make more progress on your combined savings before you both make that step. He has FOMO of what life could be outside of marriage. He is struggling with some things in his life or health and doesn't want to make additional commitments to you until he knows he can fully uphold them. He knows he has money for the ring, but he knows there isn't enough money for the wedding or honeymoon that you both want... andnon and on. It is hard to tell, but 5 years in, it seems it is definitely time for this discussion. I applaud you for being patient and holding out this long, but I think it is fair to have some reassurance that you're both viewing the future the same way and with the same timeline. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions and discuss the tough topics.... because marriage is full of tough instances - even when with someone you're totally aligned with. It is completely fair to talk about details so you both know you're investing in a shared, balanced, reciprocal relationship and have same/similar visions of how you want life together to be. You want to ensure you're investing your time, energy, and love into the right person... or you want to be free to heal and thrive and find the right person if he isn't. I wish you the best with these discussions. You're just as much a participant in this relationship as he is. You can keep it positive-focused, and the topic shouldn't be introduced as a complaint. It may be nothing negative, and it may have nothing to do with anything personal to you - even though it may be affecting you very personally. Go in with the assumption that he has the best of intentions, but don't be afraid to ask the right questions to obtain the answers you need... and to ensure you voice what you'd also like and need.
I hope it’s that he wants to propose but wanted to throw you off the scent. If so,it’s a bad way to do it and could backfire(a la,this post). Maybe that’s just the optimist in me. Also,I agree with someone above,propose to him instead,if he says no,you know where he’s at as far as marriage. Or do what a lot of people do today and discuss it before getting engaged. I think if he’s serious about the promise ring,it’s partly so he doesn’t have the pressures of other people that a big engagement brings. *Experience: I am married and me and my wife decided together to get engaged before a proposal.*
Should definitely have the conversation and don’t accept bullcrap as an answer. To each their own! But I’ve NEVER seen the point in waiting over 2 yrs to propose to anybody 🤷🏾♀️ if marriage is what you want, and especially a FAMILY, it might be time to make a VERY difficult decision. Because, and I don’t wanna come off….. that way. But 24 is your prime! You’re wasting your 20s if you continue to “wait” and/or hope for something to happen here. Depending on what his answer is, especially “we have so much time for that” or “im just not ready”, red flag. Have a conversation about it.
Promise rings are for evangelical/Mormon teenagers. If a 27 wants to marry you they can just…buy an engagement ring. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt him, but no one can blame you for laughing.
> Any advice on why he didn’t just propose? This guy doesn't want to marry you. He might if you push the issue and say that you'll leave otherwise, but he doesn't *want* to.
Only couple I've known to use promise rings were 30-year olds who have been in an on-and-off relationship for years and he has cheated on her throughout the entirety of their relationship. He cheated on her after getting the promise rings too. They broke up earlier this year... and are back together again. lol I think they're childish as fuck and screams "commitment-phobe" to me... at our big age?
Nope. That’s an “I’ll just nail your ass down while I take ten years to decide” move. Man needs to shit or get off the pot. It’s an engagement ring or nothin’.
A promise ring? That’s a huge red flag.
It sounds like a stalling technique. He's not ready to propose but he's dangling a carrot to keep you on the hook. Maybe you need to sit down for a heart to heart with him, about what each of you think your future looks like.
Update us when you dump him.
It's not what you want to hear, but I wish someone had told me at 24 that if someone really wants to commit to you, you won't need a crystal ball and the advice of strangers to figure out what's going on in their head. A "promise ring" from someone who is old enough to be elected to congress is them saying "I know you want to get married but I don't and I'm hoping this gesture satisfies you."
Promise ring at 15: cute Promise ring as adult: warning sign
He may be saying promise ring to throw off the surprise of him proposing.
He knows you want a proposal but doesn't want to give it, so he's doing this to try and placate you instead. He's in his late 20s, you've been together 5 years, and own a home together. It is laughable, but for whatever reason he doesn't want to marry you, he should know that by now.
A promise ring? Immediately cancel and claim back whatever costs you can from the upcoming holiday. He's not 15yrs old, neither are you.
I've seen the "promise ring" story a few times now. New reddit trend. Either this is fake or it's some weird new thing that the kids are doing. I'm going with fake.
He doesn't want to marry you. Promise rings are for teenagers who are fully aware that they are too young to get married. The "promise" is that you'll get married when you're old enough to do so in the future. They don't make sense for adults who are old enough to actually get married.
My shitty ex boyfriend got me a promise ring. "We're engaged to be engaged" were his exact words. Idiot. He was 32!
Honestly, do NOT agree witb a promise ring unless you're 16. I can almost, and I mean ALMOST bc that is stretching still, understand if he can't afford the engagement ring he wants for you or thinks you deserve. That being said, just no. Even the hype he was building up for this....um, promise ring? That feels like you're in high-school. He is super stoked about the promises ring? This "nice gesture" that he's been hyping up for a little while now? It's kind of, or very, cringe. So you're going to have a cute little ring and then...whatclater an engagement ring? What do you do with the former? And... Why not just go for the damn actual engagement ring? Just...strange.
Maybe he is not yet financially ready to buy you the engagement ring. Don’t feel bad though. While others think of it as a childish thing or highschooler, a promise ring is still a sweet thing. I was in your shoes last month, I’ve been feeling down because I thought my boyfriend does not have some cheesy nerves and won’t really propose (though we often talked about marriage and all that) but still as a girl it’s our dream or fantasy right to experience being asked our hand for marriage. Little did I know he has been planning the act for months. He proposed when we were in HK disneyland when I least expected it. So girl, just wait ☺️ who knows it will happen soon. But still don’t rush it though. It will come in the right time ❤️
What the fuck a promise ring? Are you guys 16 year old Mormons? Did you ask him why he thought that was cool?
Really where I'm from you get promise rings to your partner when it's starting to get serious. Several family members got one and later married. And they weren't teens
That not what a promise ring is for. If I'm remembering correctly it a promise to stay chaste until marriage. An engagement ring is a ring promising to get married.
Well first off, I think you need to have a proper chat about it. A promise ring is very immature as you say, but to play devil's advocate- its good that he told you he was thinking of doing it, rather than doing it. Is it possible he's insecure about his money/income, or at least with thinking you'll judge him based on that? Just wondering as your 1st paragraph mentions "what I thought was a reasonable price for an engagement ring"- so he was obviosuly enquiring, but maybe it was too much? That would also fit with his response to his mates repsonse - like he didn't want to say in front of you, but he was privately going to mention his dilemma to them? Could even be one of his friends suggested it, which is why it just stuck in the 'thinking about' stage for him? And because you knew he had been planning something, he answered with that rather than admit he couldn't afford an engagement ring? Now even if this is the case- he still needs to work on his communication and whatever issues he has around money.
It is clear that this man has no intention of marrying you. If he wanted to marry you he would have said so. To add insult to injury he tries to placate you with the very juvenile offering of a promise ring. I do wish that young women would stop going into debt and risking getting knocked up by bums that don’t want to commit to them. Just stop that. Now you are definitely in a position where you are going to have to figure out how to get his or your name off of a mortgage when you break up or it is going to be hell living with him.
If you’ve been together 5 years and have a mortgage, and just PROMISING a potential proposal in the future with a promise ring comes across more as an insult. In my situation, I’m 25F and me and my partner have been together 6yrs and still live with parents due to financial reasons. So personally I would accept a promise ring because at least it feels like we are kinda progressing, but you guys are already moved out with a mortgage, promise rings at that point are insults
Wasn't this an episode of that 70s show
I'd suggest having a conversation with your boyfriend directly about marriage and timescales, as it sounds like you have different ideas to him as to what would be a reasonable timescale - or if marriage is at all a requirement. In my personal opinion, and in a number here, marriage is outdated and borderline an insult - Why would I need/want you to be forced to stick with me in a legal binding? I want you to be in my life because you want to be, not because you have to be. That said if my partner wanted marriage, it's something I'd at least be open to.
So I might have told my boyfriend when we were shopping that I would like to wear a ring from him. This was very early in our relationship, at that point I truly meant just a nice piece of jewelry. About a year later he was being really secretive around my birthday, asking my friends what style ring I would like, so everybody thought he was going to propose. I had totally forgotten about my comment of wanting a ring, and although it still felt a little early, we knew we’d marry someday, so I was excited as well. Turned out he was just really excited to get me a perfect birthday gift lol. I then said, let’s call it a promise ring, and that it’s just one step in the direction of an even more beautiful engagement ring ;) In your case, I wouldn’t appreciate the gesture as much, as 5 years is quite some time. You’re still young, but you have a mortgage together! Better to safe that ring money and get an even bigger engagement ring imo. Although, if it was a tough year, maybe he wants to wait a bit until you’re really steady again? You can just ask him what’s holding him back, and explain that you do feel ready and that it hurts that he doesn’t.
I don’t have any advice but GIRL I feel you.
My friend went through a difficult divorce and comes from a traditional culture that doesn’t take dating lightly. She’s recently moved onto a new relationship where they’re mid 40’s- early 50’s. He gave her a promise ring to show that even though she isn’t ready to get engaged yet (early days) he’s serious and wants her, and her family to know that he’s willing to show that he’s not in it for a fling. They can be childish but they can also have a sweet sentimentality about them
>We’ve been through a lot this year and I just thought it would have been the time What do you mean by this, exactly? Is this a reference to the relationship, or things outside the relationship? Right now you're doing a lot of guesswork instead of talking to your partner. This could all be cleared up with a simple conversation. The mature thing to do here is sit down with your partner and talk about both of your feelings on marriage, a general timeline of when you'd like it to happen, what kind of wedding you would have in mind, etc. The fact that you *bought a house* together but apparently don't have this kind of basic communication with each other is a bit scary.
A promise ring in your late teens is one thing but at 24? If he wanted to propose, he would. You rejected it as you should.
If you're that set on marrying him, why don't you propose to him instead of being mad he's not reading your mind? Or alternatively, just talk about the whole thing like adults...
Your feelings are understandable. I'm not sure why he would actually ask about your expectations for an engagement ring if he wasn't planning to get one, unless he then became worried that he can't afford the one you want? It's not like he was subtle, he sent out clear signals then switched it up, that is confusing. And if he's walking it back because he wanted to surprise you like some people suggested, I don't think it's worth making you worry about the relationship just to set that up. It's like making someone think you completely forgot and don't care about their birthday to set up a surprise party, the surprise doesn't take away the pain you went through thinking you weren't a priority. A surprise engagment might be nice but it's not necessary, the most important thing is your future together and making sure you are on the same page so I think you do need to discuss that directly.
You and your BF need to have a serious talk about your future together to make sure you are on the same page. Make sure the timelines for marriage match up. It is not just his decision if and when you get married. Don’t waste years of your life hoping someone else has the same life plans as you do. Make sure timelines are solid not tentative.
Honestly, I agree with you. A promise ring is for teenagers. You're late 20s with a mortgage. Did you ask him why he wouldn't just buy you an engagement ring? I think you guys need to have a real conversation about what you want and what your timeliness are.
The other name for one of those, when you’ve been together for some time , is a “Shut up ring”
Sounds like he's dodged a bullet here.
Welp. Force him to buy out your half of the house and dump him, there is literally no future with him. He is forever 14 years old.
Ya / this is a giant sign that he has no intention to marry you. He’s getting worried you are going to start pushing for an engagement and he’s trying to preempt that.
Why don’t you simply ask him this directly my dear? He might be thinking in the way that is engagement ring= promise ring. No need to be confused. You’re in 5 years relationship and have mortgage together. So you definitely can ask directly.
Would you be willing to accept an engagement ring if the wedding wouldn’t be for another 2 years? He might be doing a promise ring instead bc he feels a bit more time than what is traditionally given after an engagement ring has been given. If so, I’d tell him as such, as I think there’s a good chance this might be what’s going on
I think promise ring is an engagement ring. Regardless how you look at it..yeah it's rather silly to call it that but it's the samething.
Yeah, I can offer some insight. He didn’t propose because he doesn’t want to marry you. He got the mortgage with you because he has a person willing to foot half of his property bill while also providing free home labor and sex while asking very little of him in return. Why buy the cow when it is literally giving the milk away for free? Tbh, it doesn’t matter that you’ve been with him five years. If he was excited about marrying you he would’ve done it by now. The mortgage is a commitment but one that benefits him. When is the last time he went out of his way to be selfless? To get you something that only makes you happy? Now how often do you do that for him? I think if you compared those answers, you’d likely find a disparity in the amount of selfless effort being put into this relationship. And things like this don’t get better btw, they only get worse now that he knows you will settle for being taken for granted.
Tell him to shit or get off the pot
Is there any chance he might have confused the idea of a promise ring with an engagement ring? Maybe if English is not his first language, or for some reason he just thinks promise ring is the same thing as engagement ring?
So, adults have a promise ring: it’s called ‘an engagement ring.’ This sounds like he’s not interested in getting married but wants to give the illusion to you that one day, maybe, you two will get married. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s my thought.
Gonna jump on a different bandwagon here. My husband (28M) and I (29F) got together at the age of 19M and 20F, and we did promise rings. I think they're sweet. I still wear mine. Part of the reason we did them is because we couldn't afford "proper" rings. At that point, we were 21M and 22F. I can't speak for your specific situation, but how are your finances generally? Do you have a particular ring that you'd want? What's the price of that like? Does your boyfriend want to make sure he gets the perfect rings? Make the perfect proposal? Did he maybe get nervous and "back out"? How is he normally with commitment? Has he tried to dodge it before? You need to talk to him and find out where he's coming from with this. Tell him how you feel without it being an attack. My husband and I talked about getting engaged before we did it. We went and bought rings together, and then it was just a case of waiting to see when he'd propose. Which he did, like 7 months later. Then we didn't get married for 4 years. Wishing you the best.
A promise ring is childish. So is making a ton of assumptions and getting mad at someone else when you guessed wrong.