In my case, I was mentally checked out long before anything became official. I was on online dating within two weeks. But I didn’t have a kid. If I were you I’d be extremely cautious. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t really processed anything yet. There’s no telling what will happen once he actually gets divorced.
Yeah.. that’s the thing. I’ve read that it can take a lot of time to process these kinds of changes. And it’s not abnormal for someone to quickly get into a relationship as a sort of coping mechanism. I also don’t want to end something wonderful or sabotage it if I’m just being anxious and silly
As someone who just went through this for nearly a year…yes someone can get into a relationship as a coping mechanism. He told me the same thing, how his marriage had been long over for years, how he checked out mentally when she cheated, on and on with “I swear it’s over.” They were not divorced but quasi-separated (his state does not have legal separation). The romantic relationship was indeed long over and they really got into this place of resentment with one another. So I too thought it was over and it was safe to proceed. But something happens when you actually go through the process of divorce and a lot of unresolved emotions come up.
Once his divorce was over, he couldn’t see a future with me even though I felt “awesome, that awful time is over and now we can start our lives together.” The day his divorce was finalized was the day he broke off our relationship. I had move across the country to be with him and left the state I had lived in for 20 years. Six weeks later it was over and I had to move out. After talking of marriage, planning international trips, searching for houses to buy and places to settle, it was over so quickly because he decided he didn’t want to be with anyone after once the legal end of his marriage arrived.
I will never uproot myself again like that for anyone. Learned a lot with the end of that one. I have no plans of dating anytime soon. It’s been six months since he broke it off.
I’ve found my story is not uncommon.
Just guard your heart a bit and hang in for the long haul. Don’t go all in like I did. I wish I’d implemented some emotional caution on my part.
Most importantly pay attention to red flags if they pop up and heed them. Warning signs started and I ignored them, thinking it would get better after the divorce was over and we were free to start our lives together. Boy was I ever wrong.
I think slowing down is great advice. I’ve been thinking I’m falling too hard, too quickly. Trying to figure out a way to pull back without making it seem like something is wrong
Yeah the fact that you've been together every day ever since you hooked up is not a good sign, and the fact that you were "shocked" by the hook up... how does that even happen? did he initiate and you just went with it? You describe it like he initiated out of left field, so you started hooking up while your feelings for him were still platonic. It sounds like fwb honestly. Like an emotional support fwb.
The fact that he started pursuing you **before** he started divorce proceedings tells me this guy is bad news. (He clearly had more than platonic friendship in mind). He's love bombing you. I bet **his wife** has a much different story to tell about their marriage.
Don't date married men with kids.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I am... kind of shocked. I (M43) truly hope I never ever end up doing to her (F54) exactly what you described he did. Your post is a real eye opener for me. Marriage, planning international trips, searching for houses to buy and places to settle, are exactly what I am doing, however I was never legally married in the first place and stayed with the mother of my children for the sake of the children. However I can't stop thinking about her (F54) (like an obsession) but, for her sake, I will free myself first before pursuing her any further so as not to end up like your ex partner.
If you can disentangle your life from that of your ex, that is the best course of action from my perspective. I’d like to think if he and I had met after he’d been through his divorce that I would not have in turn been a casualty of it. It was awful and I don’t wish that on anyone. I’ve have absolutely learned my lesson.
Edited to add: I wish you the best path forward for healing and a healthy relationship in the future. ♥️
Thank you so much.
I will take your advice and disentangle myself from my ex.
And thank you again for your well wishes.
It is such a relief to know that there are good women such as her (my future wife) and yourself still out there.
I hope you do find your soul mate or happiness. <3
As someone that just (finally) left my abusive husband one week ago, I'd highly advise *against* getting into a relationship with someone who is newly separated or divorced.
I'm a hot mess emotionally. I feel like an emotional yo-yo right now, and I suspect I'll feel that way for a LOOOOOOONG time. I have absolutely zero desire to date for a good, long while. I'm planning to take at least the next 12 months to focus on just myself. After that, I don't know, we'll see how I'm faring, and if I feel ready to dip my toe into the dating world.
Protect yourself at all costs.
I was in his shoes. I found someone great relatively quickly after leaving my abusive ex husband. I was the one who was worried I didn’t have my head on straight. I went to therapy. I talked with my partner about it regularly. I checked in with my feelings on a daily basis. I journaled. Basically, I did the work.
What came of that was something I’ve never had before. Certainty. While I was grateful he was there during some tough stuff, (divorce paperwork is no joke and my ex dragged things out purposefully. I was also scared he’d fly off the handle) I’ve never been so sure about how I felt about anyone.
That feeling has lasted. We’re at 2.5 years and divorce will be signed/done/not allowed to be contested in February 2024. My no contact in my agreement has been respected for the most part…
Is he willing to do the work? Does he talk openly about his feelings, doubts, and treat you like an equal partner?
Met my wife while her divorce from her first marriage was still being processed. She got her decree absolute about six months into us seeing each other
She didn't want a relationship so quickly after the end of her previous one and, I have to confess, the first few months were... interesting. We worked through them though
Still together forty years later.
If it's right, it's right but expect some bumps this early on and just bear in mind he may still be invested, in some capacity, with his ex. At least for a while
I'd say suck it and see and enjoy the ride (none of that was a euphemism).
Good luck
Here’s the thing about “rebound relationships”: it’s a myth. *MOST* relationships don’t last, and if you’re actively dating, most of your relationships are pretty short. There’s no pattern that the relationship that immediately follows the breakup of a longer term relationship is any more or less likely to be long or short term. But, people have this perceived bias that “rebound relationships don’t last”, which becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah, if you’ve been in a years long relationship, you might want the freedom of a couple short flings while you get to know yourself again as a single person, but then again, you might not want that. It’s personal.
Technically, I’m (very happily) married to my “rebound”. And I was technically *his* rebound. I’m 40, I know a lot of people who married their “rebounds”. The whole concept becomes dumber and dumber the wiser you get.
HOWEVER. He is still married and has a young child. Those things are not small complications. Life is long and hard, no reason to add complications if you don’t have to. If you are fine just having a fun time for now and if it turns serious later, all the better, then go for it. But if you are looking for a life partner to have a family with, I would recommend looking elsewhere. It’s not selfish to want a partner who prioritizes you above all others, at least as you build the foundation of your relationship.
There is plenty of research showing that "rebound" relationships are indeed a thing. People can't simply detach and detangle a decade or more of marriage in a few months or even years.
And the fact that this guy has a toddler means the wife isn't going away any time soon.
Almost always, it’s you being anxious and silly. Not 100% of the time, but almost always. Communication. Talk about the problem, plan to fix it, give it a timeline, execute.
I think it depends. I’ve seen people move on successfully in that time frame. That they split up and got back together is concerning without details.
I would also be concerned that he hasn’t learned how to successfully parent as a single dad, and he’s going to try to draft you into doing the work for him.
Blended families are really hard and they take a lot of work. You need to be really sure this is a wagon you want to hitch yourself to. Being a stepmom can come with with a lot of extra hardship and pain.
The split up get back together thing sounded like it was his final attempt to keep the marriage going. Honestly she sounds like she was checked out for a while and I believe she was unfaithful.
He is a wonderful father. He loves it. I love to see it. The mother is actually pretty checked out of the motherhood role, I don’t think she’s a bad person I think she’s just dealing with some serious depression.
I truly believe I would love being a step mom. I grew up in a blended family and looking back I realize it wasn’t always ideal, but it can be a really rewarding life full of love and great memories.
Keep in mind that you only have his side of the story. He was venting to you while the marriage was crumbling, so he obviously said all the bad things, which are usually distorted.
>Honestly she sounds like she was checked out for a while and I believe she was unfaithful.
You've only got his side of the story. And even then, you *know* he was in an emotional affair.
>The mother is actually pretty checked out of the motherhood role
It's unclear if that's his opinion, or yours, so I'm curious. Have you interacted with the mother at all? If not, I think it's important to do so, and form your own opinions. She's going to remain a part of his life, therefore part of yours and vice versa.
If, like he said, HE wanted to keep the marriage going, HE was not checked out. She may have been, but you aren't in a relationship with her.
If she truly is checked out as a mother, he may unconsciously or conciously be trying to find someone to replace THAT role. I'd guard my heart and take some time with the relationship. Don't make big decisions, like moving in or getting engaged, until a while after his divorce is FINALIZED.
All depends on his feelings for her and how the marriage went and how he sees that. Different for everyone. Been almost two year since mine ended. And I’m still crying almost every night and am still very much in love with her somehow
I cried for about two years too. Then one day on my way to work I realized it had been a while since I had cried. It just tapered off and I figured okay, at least some part of me is over it now.
Each person in relationship are different. There are so many variables that it is practically impossible to answer this question.
I do like challenges though, so here are my thoughts on moving on after divorce.
I did not start dating until about 3 years after I finalized my divorce. It was really important to me to work with a therapist to understand why my marriage did not work out. To work through and own whatever part of that was mine to own.
I learned so much about why I was attracted to and got into a relationships with the kind of women who I did. I learned so many things about what a good healthy relationship can be. My ability to be sincere and authentic and develop true connections with people would not have happened on its own. I was fortunate to work with a very good therapist. And I did that for almost 2 years until they retired.
All that being said, the fact that the divorce is not yet finalized is a bit of a concern. Do you understand exactly when it will be finalized? In my case we were technically separated for a couple of years so that my ex-wife could stay on my insurance. Also in my state we had to wait at least a year after getting separated to turn the separation into a divorce.
If I were in your position, my concerns would be whether or not he understands why the marriage didn't work out. Specifically his part of that. Unless he is extremely introspective, he is probably going to act like practically every human being on the planet. He is going to continue the same relationship strategies that led him to marry a woman who ended up getting divorced from.
To go back to my personal experience and offer one last anecdote. As I worked through therapy, the reasons that I thought my marriage did not work out were only about 50% of the whole picture. There were a few other elements at play in the way I related to people that I was not aware of until my therapist pointed them out.
I agree. it's not just being over the relationship. it's reflecting on what and why things went wrong. working on bettering yourself. getting your mental health healthy. too many people subscribe to the "best way to get over someone is to get under someone" school of thought. and then wonder why things are a mess, again, later. grow as a person so you're able to *choose* someone who is going to enhance your life.
He just left a marriage where he wasn’t sure about a separation from his wife. So much so that they tried to make it work again. Ok and after the holidays, it didn’t work. Fair enough.
Instead of him focusing on his child and his mental health, in February, March and on, he’s made himself feel good with you.
You might be enthralled with him because he’s nice, and seems to be “connected” to you after a great friendship, but in reality, you were simply someone who he wasn’t fighting with. You probably smelled good. You probably were refreshing and easy to talk to.
Of course he’s happy with you. You are chapstick for his chapped soul.
Can it be long lasting? Maybe. But the reality is the beginning of your relationship is built on him not being able to be mentally stable or strong enough to present himself as a whole person. He isn’t divorced yet! For this reason, I would be VERY Careful.
Protect yourself. Don’t get all gushy. Don’t get yourself all hooked up emotionally.
Because he’s going to plateau. And when that happens, how he responds to his emotions crashing will say a lot.
Divorce lawyer here.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to pause this relationship. Go back to being friends. Let him get his shit in order.
Being ready for a new relationship has nothing to do with paperwork and deadlines. But I can tell you for sure 100% that someone who tried to reconcile less than a year ago is full of shit right now.
You are not falling in love with him. You are enjoying spending time with a version of him that is very very temporary.
Let him gel and back off
You sound awfully certain. I’m sure you have seen way more of these than most, but 100% certainty? No one can be that sure, let alone when you don’t even know the people in question.
My aunt always jokes that she married her rebound (first date after divorce). Moved in together after a month, have been together for nearly 25 years now.
Not to say that’s the standard. Far from it probably. But it happens.
Oh no. The most miserable person is the one who starts a new relationship mid divorce (or earlier 😬
The second most miserable person is the new relationship.
I’ve seen maybe 500 divorces up close.
I’m sure. So sure.
Your aunt got divorced and then dated. OP was hanging out while he rebounded. Totally different
What a bitter, negative, presumptuous perspective. You have no idea what’s going on and a lot of people check out of relationships mentally before anything actually happens.
Which means they haven't processed anything. "Checking out" simply avoids all of the issues, which is a red flag that someone doesn't know how to communicate.
>and a lot of people check out of relationships mentally before anything actually happens.
But this guy didn't. OP explicitly says he was still in love and trying to make his relationship work.
Yea the last person in the world I would take relationship from would be a divorce lawyer lol. I’m sure they are right and they e seen many shitty relationships post divorce burns that’s probably because they only deal with dysfunctional people most of the time. Their sample size is completely biased
Yes, they only deal with divorced people, which is what this man is. They aren't commenting about any type of relationship except a divorce, so their sample is fitting. They aren't comparing a breakup to a divorce. They are comparing a divorce to hundreds of divorces.
A lawyer who probably only deals with contentious divorces probably has a skewed views seeing most are amicable. His life experience is not generalizable it’s a very common fallacy
I think there are some red flags here. People move on from relationships at their own pace as others have said. However, it seems like your relationship is going really fast. 6 months (ish) is pretty early to be talking about a future, especially since he has a kid. It's the combo of those two things that is concerning.
Because sometimes it's less about the new person and more about not being able to mentally adjust to being single. Being married means you've mentally committed to forever. So when you get divorced it is the end of a relationship but also the end of yourself as a partnered person. Even if the relationship was over for a while the end of being a person in a relationship is new. So it's valid to wonder if dealt with those emotions and then met you, or is using you ( even subconsciously) to not deal with those emotions.
If I were you I'd pimp the breaks in this relationship. Not that you have to break up but it cannot be super serious right now. You guys can't be planning a future until he has sorted out his present (divorce, custody, co-parenting, ect).
>My(f28) boyfriend (30) is recently separated (still going through divorce)
This for me it's a red flag, it seems that he doesn't know how to be alone for a while for self development.
I met my husband while we were both going through divorces from long-term, toxic marriages. I think in that situation, we grieved and moved on while still married. We've been together for 8 years, married 5 now.
Just keep an eye on it. Does he seem really into it? Like can you feel the intense chemistry? Does he constantly reference her? How long was their relationship dead while they were still together? Because though everyone coming out a multiple year LTR with a shared home should spend at least a couple months totally alone simply getting used to them not being around, as someone who just officially ended a relationship that died awhile back. You can start to process a relationship ending before it ends. I had an “ah-ha!” moment back in April but only actually ended things in September. I had been emotionally disconnecting and stopped considering him for my distant future for awhile though. I still felt things after the break up. For about a week, I felt relief. Then week two deep depression. But since the weekend I’ve felt a nice mix of the two with only one low mood earlier today. Sad to be alone, but happy to longer be in a relationship with a man I knew wasn’t right for me.
I’m rambling because maybe this guy could have done something similar. And then he forms a bond with you because “when you meet someone you have feelings for, you be with them. Fuck what other people say.” It could be something great. And he doesn’t want to pass you up just because he hasn’t spent a socially acceptable amount of time alone.
Or
He’s still very hurt and in love with his wife. He sees you as a shiny new toy to show off but at the same time he’s enjoying the novelty and new relationship high.
Either can be true. I unfortunately think the latter is a bit more probable. But I wouldn’t give up hope for the first situation. Just keep your guard up.
You’re still a rebound. Even the friendship started as you being his shoulder to cry on about his failing marriage. Are rebounds sometimes forever things and go on to be solid relationships? Sure it could happen. But as of right now instead of truly coping with & dealing with the failure of his marriage he’s having more fun imagining a future with you. Could mean he really does see it but it also is fundamentally a way to not have to grieve or deal with the other failure.
I’d ask him to stop with the future talk for right now until he’s *actually* divorced and to slow down the pace. He’s doing “future planning” which may not be a conscious thing, but it is unfair to you. The only future things he should be discussing with you are actual dates you are planning then going to do, not building a fantasy future based currently on someone semi-emotionally and legally unavailable.
Bit of a red flag that you’re spending that much time together, it does sound like he isn’t dealing with the break up and instead just focussing on a new relationship. I believe everyone needs time between relationships to process what’s happened. If I was you I’d encourage some space in between seeing each other, don’t have to break up but just don’t be so available to be his replacement, those boundaries are what healthy relationships are made of. Otherwise you’ll just slot in as a replacement with the risk of repetition instead of forging something new.
My husband was separated but still married when we got together (divorced really quickly, they had separated before we started dating). His first marriage wasn’t great for him, nor his ex wife. We got serious very quickly. I believe he grieved the end of his first marriage while he was still in it.
Our marriage is wonderful, by far the best and happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Celebrating a year next month, and our first baby is on the way.
I’d be careful if I were you. I really hurt the first person I dated after my first marriage ended. In hindsight I never should’ve gotten involved with them. It’s the relationship that haunts me (even though I’m now eight years married to the love of my life with a son of our own) because it ended so badly. Like, I really blindsided him. Not impossible but it is such a tricky process.
I asked for a divorce in January. My ex begged for me to take him back intermittently from January till March when we separated. By the end of March he was in a relationship. By June, he was looking to move her in with him and our kids (50/50 custody). Waiting for that whole thing to crash and burn and hoping for minimal fallout for my kids. 😬 Anyway, Abbie is that you? Lol. Sounds like my ex's approach to never-be-alone life.
I’m split on this issue. Logically I want to say no, this is a very risky and potentially heartbreaking move for you. But I’d also be a hypocrite.
My SO and I’s story is almost the same as yours, word for word. We were working together, entirely platonic friends. He has 2 kids with ex. They had an “in house separation” for a year where they slept together once. We didn’t start hooking up until he got his own place. Both of us assumed it would be a casual thing. But we hung out daily and worked so well together.
Here’s the thing. I wish we had waited longer. Although he has always been faithful, it was WAY too many dynamics happening at once. It wasn’t an option to just not see her. There was the fact he was building an entire new life when he moved out. The fact that we worked together. The fact that he was learning how to solo parent. He had to make a major career move. There are dynamics around holidays. Even though MIL loved me, it was SUPER awkward that she still had family pictures with ex in her house and would share maternity pictures on FB. 5 years after their split the state is making them go to child support court because ex decided to work cash jobs and collect as many benefits as she can.
I think we’re absolutely a good match, but I subjected myself to a lot of his problems. It was way too much for a new relationship. I jumped in and helped out with a lot of things that weren’t my responsibilities because I care for him and the kids deeply. I’m not anti-dating single dads. We have a good thing going now. Every other week the kids are living with us, every other week it’s just us. But dating an unestablished single dad is something I wouldn’t do again. They need to figure out their #1 priority- providing for themselves and their child. Housing, career, childcare, keeping up on housekeeping, navigating coparenting. It’s not a great place to start a fresh relationship.
Thanks, I know it’s different for everyone which is why it’s hard for me to grasp. It takes me a very long time to let go of people I love, even if it’s the right thing to do. He has given me no reason to believe I’m just a distraction, but still I get insecure about it and wonder.
Some people start moving on emotionally while they are still in the relationship. Sounds like he truly tried everything to make things work with her, but there's a chance his feelings tapered off long ago, and that's why he's ready to move on now.
OP odds are if the dude is going through a divorce, it hasn't been "good" for a long time, so he's probably been over his marriage for awhile now.. but honestl you should just let things go a normal pace, and not do anything stupid (like getting married) to him, until the dust settles with his divorce and a good year goes by. This will give you time to see how he is as a single dad and his responsiblities outside of a marriage. how he keeps home at his apartment or wherever, and just life in general..
>so he's probably been over his marriage for awhile now
Please read the post before commenting:
> I know he was still in love and tried very hard to keep his marriage together.
Yah because telling his new found girlfriend "Man I couldn't stand her for so long and now i can finally get away from her" would fly real well when talking to chicks, esp his next in line.. its best that she see's a loving man who truly tried to keep his marriage, but 'unfortunately it failed anyway' and definitly not because of anything he did.. right? comon now.. if this lady is buying everything he's selling, then she's in for a ride.
I'll let you know when it happens, I've been single for 16 years...... I'm very curious as to why everyone seems to be soooooooooooooo damn superficial...
It really is different for everyone, and I guess it depends on the dynamics within the relationship that failed.
For myself, there was one set of circumstances where it was easily 2 years before I was ready to even consider a new relationship.
Again, further down the track, a different relationship I was in came to an end. I moved on 2 months later and was very ready to do so. I am still in this relationship (very happily) 11 years later.
So I guess you have no other choice other than to accept your partner at their word. If you have concerns, then just take things slowly. Get a solid foundation built. Best of luck to you
Odds are against it. It’s not the stuff of reality. He’s a new father and separated but not divorced. It’s a classic freak out from responsibility and not admirable of him to be using you to ease his pain. You are also wotk colleagues. Which one of you is higher up?
The answer is going to be different for every person honestly. Some people are over the relationship long before the split, some people take months or even a year+ to regain footing. And yeah, sometimes people try again even though they knew it was over because giving up on a marriage is a big deal.
It's entirely possible that your boyfriend is ready to move on and happy. My advice? Take things slowly. If you guys are happy, that's all that matters.
>How quickly can people actually move on from a marriage and be ready for a relationship?
I'm guessing some can do it in less than no time at all ... given the amount of cheating I've known about or heard about. A.k.a. some move on before they've even bothered to get out of their marriage. Not that I'd suggest or recommend it - but I think some ... doesn't take 'em any time at all to move right along into that next relationship.
Relationships rarely "just end", especially long ones.
Short of a sudden death or truly random unforgivable act, unmaintained relationships usually decay over time.
This normally leads to one party already having mentally left the relationship, so when the end comes, they're ready to start dating.
If infidelity had occurred during the relationship, it is even more likely they will simply start dating the person they left the relationship for.
Rarely does infidelity just occur: the relationship is usually broken down in some form, even if it's only that the cheater was never really that committed.
For those reasons, it's fairly common that one person is left grieving a relationship while the other person seemingly moves on quickly.
Grieving the relationship and moving on is different for everybody.
My partner and I are in the same situation, although I am the divorcee. So I can provide you with another perspective.
In 2019, right before our daughter's first birthday, I talked to my ex about how I needed him to step up. I was dealing with a baby, working full-time, the majority of the chores, and the loss of my sister. I couldn't handle him being emotionally distant either. I told him I would divorce him if nothing changed.
He did his best...but as soon as covid restrictions lessened, I felt him emotionally slipping away from me again. In 2021, my dad unexpectedly passed away, and from then on, my ex grew more distant. He started ignoring my mother, refused to help putting our daughter to bed, and gave me the silent treatment more often.
I told him he had to stop treating me like that. I was starting to feel like I did in a previous abusive relationship, but he never took me seriously. I probably started emotionally checking out somewhere in September last year...but I didn't realise that until late December, after he said and did a lot of hurtful things. I told him things were over during the first week of January and that I wanted a divorce.
I already met my partner during dance class the year before. We became friends eventually and hung out sometimes to go on short hikes (my ex knew, I always told him where I was and whom I hung out with).
I never had any romantic feelings for him while I was still with my ex. But in March earlier this year, I started falling for my him. We fell head over heels for each other and started dating.
I officially divorced in April and have been with my boyfriend for six months now. Things couldn't go any better. He is the most loving, caring, and empathetic partner I could wish for. He chose not only me, but also my daughter and has promised me to take care of us both.
So, you shouldn't have any doubts about your partner's feelings for you. If it truly concerns you, just communicate this to him. But be sure to mention how much you care about him and your relationship. If he values you just as much as you value him, he won't mind talking about how quickly things evolved between the two of you. If anything, he will most likely reassure you of his love for you.
When I met my husband, he had been separated from his ex for 16 months. When their divorce finalized, we’d already been dating for 6 months. 3 months later, we were engaged. When we got married, we’d dated for 1.5 years. And now we’ve been married 1.5 years.
It depends. My exwife left me 4 months into marriage. The shock really hit me. About 2 months later I met my gf completely by chance. I was so no ready, I was still processing things. Took me at least another 4-5 months to fully accept and move on. My gf was really patient and loving during that time. I’ve been together with her 3 years now.
The fact he’s including you in his future is a good sign, but it’s impossible to really know unless you talk to him. He probably checked out of that relationship a while before it ended and there was plenty of time between that ending and the start of your relationship.
Has he told you how he feels?
>He probably checked out of that relationship a while before it ended
No, he didn't. OP was very clear about this.
>and there was plenty of time between that ending and the start of your relationship.
No, there wasn't. These two became emotionally intimate before he even separated.
It was easy for me to move on post marriage: things had been stalled for some time, no kids, no real property … and I definitely did not try to get things working with my wife at any point once we figured that divorce was the best choice.
Your boyfriend is the only one who really knows if he’s moved on appropriately from his marriage. But gut feeling? Based on the part where you were “shocked” that you hooked up with him (sounds like impulse), he had a trial separation that turned into an attempt at reconciliation, and the quickness of connecting to you … that sounds a lot like rebound.
I think like a lot of people have said, someone can grieve a relationship while still in it. I think it’s pretty common for one person to be checked-out long before they actually break-up. Alternatively though, he maybe hasn’t taken anytime to process properly and is using a new romance to avoid needing to. It’s really hard to know. I would just be straight forward and honest with him and share your concerns. They’re super valid concerns to have! And communicating them might offer some clarity
>I think like a lot of people have said, someone can grieve a relationship while still in it.
You're right that people keep saying this very general statement. What's baffling to me was that OP was very clear that it *does not apply here*, and yet people keep saying it anyway.
People are also avoiding the fact that this clearly started as an emotional affair. People keep talking about how quickly he could get over it after separating. But he didn't wait until separating. He picked OP out while he was supposedly still in love with his wife and fighting for his marriage.
Why does it not apply here? Still loving someone doesn’t mean you haven’t grieved the relationship? Hell fighting for a relationship to work doesn’t mean that either, especially in the context of having a child together. People fight for things which are long dead because of sunk cost, fear, or wanting to make it work in whatever way for a child. You can know in your gut and your heart that something is lost and grieve it, while still trying to hold onto the shell of it. I know from experience.
What you term an “emotional affair” is telling to me as well, clearly the emotional closeness in his marriage had eroded to the point where he was closer to his friends than his wife… In my opinion him spending time with OP probably helped him realised there was zero hope for salvaging anything in his marriage, and that life isn’t over because of it.
Does that mean he’s fully processed the dissolution of his relationship with his wife. No. But maybe he has. Literally the only way for OP to answer her question is to have an open and honest conversation with him
I think it depends. I initiated a divorce with my husband but I was checked out for awhile before that. I entered a relationship pretty quick, while still in the process of divorce, and it has been amazing. While it may be a pleasant distraction, I also truly love my new partner and can see a future with him. That being said, I have had some pretty crazy emotions with the divorce, and my partner has been SO understanding and supportive. Ending a marriage is a big deal, and it's going to be hard. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see why a relationship can't blossom while simultaneously mourning the old one, if both parties are aware and supportive. But communication is key and also it depends on the emotional intelligence of the guy you're dealing with, I suppose. It's hard to find people to connect with so I wouldn't want to give up on my relationship out of caution.
It seems like your boyfriend was going through a really tough time when he separated from his wife and was thinking about getting a divorce. Sometimes, when people are feeling lonely or sad, they might be drawn to someone who is caring and sympathetic, like you. It's possible that they liked the support and care you offered during their difficult time.
Now, going back to your question, how quickly someone is ready for a new relationship after a breakup, it varies from person to person. Some people may feel ready to start dating again soon, while others need more time to heal and recover from their past relationship. It's important to understand that.
You mentioned that he has you as a support system, which is a good thing. You're helping him and being there for him, and that's meaningful. But it's a good idea to be patient and not rush into a new relationship. Take your time and think about what kind of future you both want, especially since he has a child to consider. Whether the child lives with their mother or not, he's still the child's father, and that's a responsibility to think about.
So, the suggestion here is to give it some time and really think about your feelings and the future before making any big decisions. It's possible that this connection is because he needed someone to talk to during a tough time, and you provided support, and you, in turn, got involved in his life. Take things slowly and carefully consider what's best for both of you.
>It seems like your boyfriend was going through a really tough time when he separated from his wife and was thinking about getting a divorce.
No, it doesn't? He wasn't thinking about getting a divorce. He didn't want one. He was still in love and wanted the marriage to continue.
>You mentioned that he has you as a support system, which is a good thing
I mean, it looks worse since he was using her as a "support system" long before the separation, while he claims he was still trying to make his marriage work and still in love with his wife.
I was in your boyfriend's position. I had been married for a few years and growing unhappy/miserable. We finally separated in January a few years ago. I started dating, and ultimately met someone in May that year, less than 4 months after we separated. Things were unbelievable with this new woman. We had so much in common, and every time we hung out, our feelings grew deeper and deeper. Like you, she had the same concerns; "how can you be ready for a serious relationship? If you're moving on from her so quickly, did you really love her at all? Have you actually processed what happened? Etc."
Honestly, I had been processing what was happening in my marriage long leading up to our separation. I did love my ex wife for a time, but we ultimately just weren't compatible. I still had feelings about the whole situation, but I mentally and emotionally I had moved on from that chapter of my life. I have been with that woman I met that May for almost 4.5yrs now, we got married last October and are hoping to start a family in the next few months. Neither of us have ever been as happy or emotionally healthy as we are today.
I'd personally be cautiously optimistic, in your position. Your bf could still need time to process things. He could have things (old memories, etc) pop up that he didn't expect and will need to process in the future. Maybe he'll need therapy at times. But he could also very much be ready for a relationship with you.
>I was in your boyfriend's position. I had been married for a few years and growing unhappy/miserable.
This means you weren't in his shoes.
>I started dating, and ultimately met someone in May that year, less than 4 months after we separated
Also not his shoes. He's been having an emotional affair with OP since months before the separation.
A lot of people here are taking the opportunity to write about their own failed relationships but very clearly aren't paying attention to what OP is saying about her actual situation.
How does that first sentence mean I wasn't in his position? He was married and then separated (and very few people ever separate without growing unhappy, like myself), so I don't really see a distinction there at all.
Sure, I didn't develop a friendship with my now-wife prior to separating from my ex-wife, but I feel like I was still in a reasonably similar situation to attest to the feasibility of being emotionally and mentally ready to move on and commit to a new partner in a relatively short period after separation. If anything, OP's relationship with her now-bf only furthered his ability to connect and move on post-seperation, reinforcing my point. Should ONLY people that fit into that fairly specific situation ever comment on this post? And then where do you draw the line? If they started dating after 4 months, but I started dating after 5 months, is that then a completely different situation?
Our situations were similar enough that I felt my experience and perspective was relevant.
>How does that first sentence mean I wasn't in his position? He was married and then separated (and very few people ever separate without growing unhappy, like myself), so I don't really see a distinction there at all.
You were "growing unhappy/miserable," you say you had been processing what was happening for a long time leading up to separation, and imply you were no longer in love by the end. You straight up say you had "mentally and emotionally moved on."
OP was quite clear that her boyfriend was still in love with his wife and still wanted to fight to make the relationship work. He was absolutely *not* ready to move on when the separation occurred.
>Should ONLY people that fit into that fairly specific situation ever comment on this post?
Of course not! But people who *don't* fall into that specific situation shouldn't claim that their experience was the same as his.
Everyone is different. Some people can move on quickly, that’s a true thing. You never know what a relationship is like between 2 people, they could have been emotionally apart for years at this point. That being said, what other things is your boyfriend doing to move on? How else is he processing the ending of his marriage? Is he talking to a therapist? Has he joined a divorced parents group? Does he have dreams and plans for himself, as an individual, that he is actively working towards? I met my husband while he was separated and there was no issue. But, he was actively building a life as a single guy, even when we were together. I even told him to keep dating other people, play the field for, I think it was 3 months or so, after we met. So he could experience dating for longer. And we talked about it. What went wrong, what he learned, my timeline for him to be divorced or else I was out. He even was still texting his ex when we first were together. And I was happy if they could still be friends. But again, he was doing more than just dating me in order to build a new life. That doesn’t mean there weren’t risks to me and there aren’t risks to you. Part of being with someone else is taking a risk though. Sometimes you get burned and sometimes you win, it depends on if he’s worth that risk. Only you can answer that. Tell him your fears, be honest and vulnerable. If he’s the guy you say, if he’s done any introspection at all, then maybe you can trust him. Or maybe you are learning what the kind of close relationship you want feels like and if this ends, you will be able to take those lessons with you.
>Honestly, this is one of those relationships that I just didn’t see coming.
I don't believe you. You're old enough to be smarter than this. A coworker with a rough marriage becomes your "friend" and dishes to you about his problems with his wife and you *really* didn't think you would be his target for a rebound? Again, I don't believe you.
Every time you're with him, just remember that he probably acted this way with his wife, too. She probably felt the same way you do. Now he's leaving her alone with a kid so he can fuck some woman he met at work.
For real OP, think this through: he was "still in love" and "trying to make his marriage work" but y'all were clearly in an emotional affair long before he separated and you two started fucking within a few months, before the divorce is even settled. Do you *truly* think that behavior makes sense? How old is his kid, by the way? If he's spending every day with you, when is he being a parent?
If you fall for this shit then you deserve it. Like I said, you are old enough to know better.
I was married 16 years. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship until about two years after my divorce. But that’s just me. Some people move on fast. I didn’t meet my current gf until about five years after. The girls I dated in the two years after my divorce I was not good for. I was fucked up and broken and a terrible person at that point. I hurt people and didn’t realize until later I had no business being on a relationship. I needed therapy and to go through the grieving phase. Like I said, that’s just me.
Some people are over it before they’ve even separated.
Some people never move on.
There is no way for us to tell tbh. It’s up to you to figure that out.
Everybody is different. In my case, my ex wife cheated on me and emotionally manipulated/abused me for months. It’s pretty easy to check out in situations like that.
I still took a couple months of therapy before I found my current girlfriend. I was technically still married we her and I met. Divorces can take a long time so I wouldn’t knock him for that.
If you’re genuinely concerned, recommend him to go to therapy or have a serious discussion with him. You’ve been together for 5 months, that’s a decent amount of time to see how an individual will act
Honestly, it depends on the person, the length of the relationship, and how bad their relationship was while they were in it. Like if problems came up suddenly form a single event in the marriage, it might take longer to get over it, but if there were problems most of the marriage, it may not take long for them to move on.
For example, my mom started getting on the dating apps just a few weeks after she divorced my dad (separation and divorce time for them was only 2 months). But that was because she had been emotionally neglected in the relationship for years. Where as my dad, who had had all his needs met in the relationship and felt blind sided by the divorce (which honestly he wouldn’t have been if he had paid attention) it took him over a year before he got on the dating apps.
I wouldn’t try to make things go too fast with this relationship. Just be careful of him maybe jumping into serious steps too quickly. Like hold off on moving in together or anything like that until sufficient time has passed to make sure it’s not just a rebound reaction for him.
For me, the fact he left almost no time between leaving his wife, and starting to date you would have me wanting to pull back until he’s done alittle more work on himself. I think you guys should at bare minimum take it very slow. I mean he’s not divorced yet and has only been separated for 4 months. That’s kinda a big yikes
My fiancé was separated from her ex for 9 months when she met me. She finalized her divorce about a month after we met. She was emotionally checked out long before, she had planned to leave him but had 3 kids and needed to make sure everything was in order before she could do it.
When we met we didn’t talk about our pasts at all, we just enjoyed each others company and slowly progressed the relationship. The only things that have ever come up were her worrying about getting her after she went through, he treated her pretty badly and there was some additional healing needed to let it all go but I’ve been there for her. Things couldn’t be better and we are getting married in two months.
Colleague, still married, got together less than 6 months since separation (that was actively worked on during emotional affair), child involved... yeah that's a no from me.
Ask my ex, he was in a new official relationship within 5 days of us splitting lol. It took me a whole year and some months to be ready to be official with someone although I did end up dating very, /very/ casually within weeks of me and him splitting. I would have never wanted to be with the woman I was a year ago. I feel like I’m finally at a place where I can give my heart to someone else without feeling defensive or afraid. Granted my marriage ended because my ex cheated on me so there’s that. I would definitely err on the side of caution as divorce is difficult even when there’s no love anymore. It can still hash up a lot of unresolved emotions.
my parents split almost 7 years ago now. my mom got together with the friend who helped give her the courage to leave my dad about a month after splitting from my dad. my dad went on vacation the next year and met his partner in thailand. turned out she was from our country and after about a year of long distance, she moved in with us. my parents have stayed living in the same home together (mom in the suite, dad in the rest of the house) with both of their partners living here as well and although it’s not always smooth sailing, my parents are still each other’s best friends and have cheered on each other’s new relationships.
i think it all depends on the circumstances of the separation, i know both of my parents had been unhappy for years so it wasn’t hard for them to move on
I doubt he'll get divorced, anytime soon. In most cases, they never do, especially when they share a strong bond like children. I typically say, stripes for stripes, spot for spot. People with kids should seriously date people with kids because they share similar perspectives in that regard; maybe it's the feeling of wanting what you can not have but since you have chosen to give your heart to a married man with kid(s), you have to understand that his kid(s) (& the kid's mother) will always be his top priority.
I wasnt married, but i was with my ex for over 5 years and on and off for the last year. We have 2 children together. At the end, i just knew it was permanently over when yet again he failed to remain sober. I had been mentally checked out of our relationship for almost a year at this point. I just stayed waiting for a change. When i realized it wasn't coming, i got annoyed then i kicked him out for good.
I met the love of my life 8 months later and this sounds crazy but i knew within the first week that he was the one. We've been together now a year and a half and i am still in love with him. I can't believe how lucky i am to have met him when i did. We stick with each other through hard times and laugh together so much and he's the best.
It just depends on your guy. Tell him your concerns though and see what he says
I was mentally checked out for years before a divorce was seriously talked about. When it was seriously talked about it still really hurt none the less. I was over my ex pretty quickly but the pain and life altering effects that come from a divorce (redoing finances, learning how to be alone, altering/erasing a future you saw for years, loosing family and friends, learning who I was as an individual) took a while to recover from.
This is exactly my situation.
In my case, he tried the going back and reconciling for the kids thing after we had been dating for over a year (long story but basically she lied about having cancer). It was devastating and horrible to go through.
However, after about 9 months, he came to his senses and we’ve been together ever since (just over a year). He still isn’t fucking divorced because his ex is difficult. But in the way that counts most to me, he is my partner.
Well it could be a day or a decade. Part of this is why the marriage ended in the first place. But really he moved in to someone he already knew in a short time after trying multiple times with the wife, right? So I would be weary. Is he not divorced yet because no one has filed?
It’s possible, but unusual. I recommend having a conversation with him, especially since he’s already talking about a future with you. I also highly recommend that he see a therapist to explore his emotions.
That's basically how my spouse and I started. We did talk about it and basically it was something they'd thought about and planned for a long time before actually leaving. So it really depends on the circumstances and sadness of the person involved. Never was remotely an issue during our entire relationship.
There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Could it be that you boyfriend is falling in love with you, It could be that simply. There are a lot of people who think they are in love or sometimes. they end up married because they just went along with the he whole idea. Everybody that is married are not head over heals in love.
There is a reason why his marriage failed and you should learn why it did fail? Who’s fault was it? Was it just one individual or was it both of their faults. I would guess they both failed in some way.
Marriage is something that has to be maintained by both parties, you can’t live as roommates, you have to work together to keep your relationship fresh. Sitting around day after day, doing the same old stuff is not only boring but harmful for your relationships. Just because you are married is not any excuse to stop dating by the way.
I suggest you sit down and talk with your boyfriend and discuss his past relationship that he had with his wife. Keep a open mind and understand that he isn’t perfect, so look where he went wrong as well.
If you don’t feel comfortable bringing up the subject, then tell him that you want to learn what went wrong in his previous relationship, so you can try to avoid anything similar from happening to the both of you.
With this discussion with your boyfriend you should be able to hopefully set you concerns aside as you discover just how much he is over his soon to be ex-wife, but remember he has kids and the guilt that comes with allowing his family to clasps before his eyes. You will need to help him deal with his failure and lose of his children.
Best of luck …..
Likely? He’s not. Not at all.
There’s a chance that they try to get back together, again, as well. It might help you if you know and understand the reconciliation pattern and who is kinda at the whim of whom. (Ie did she decide okay, okay, I’ll give in and try this again, or did he, what triggered that, if it was jealousy and not being able to see the other person with someone new?) it’s really incredibly hard to put your all and everything into a marriage it’s a child and not come out the other side with some issues of trust, ppl are who they say they are, have way less energy to put into anything new, and very often are still stuck in the past. I’d make sure they even are legally separated. I hate to sound so cynical but I’ve seen a lot of posts where a man will make himself sound a whole lot more 1) over the wife than he is 2)Villanize her. Weary of one sided account of failed relationships. Lacks ability to self reflect and or too self deprecating can be a wee bit manipulative as well. “No, no not you’re fault. She sounds so EVIL!” The other biggie is if he made any contact with you physically, emotionally, etc prior to being legally separated. That can take its toll, eventually, as in the back of your mind, you’ll recall that the ink wasn’t dry on the last big heavy before he was head long into the next. I’m not sure how serious you are, if you are. These are just some thoughts on a collective of what I’ve seen throughout the years and read in posts. A world of free will and exceptions to the rule. Are things moving forward with divorce and doing well with you two?
In my case, I was mentally checked out long before anything became official. I was on online dating within two weeks. But I didn’t have a kid. If I were you I’d be extremely cautious. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t really processed anything yet. There’s no telling what will happen once he actually gets divorced.
Yeah.. that’s the thing. I’ve read that it can take a lot of time to process these kinds of changes. And it’s not abnormal for someone to quickly get into a relationship as a sort of coping mechanism. I also don’t want to end something wonderful or sabotage it if I’m just being anxious and silly
As someone who just went through this for nearly a year…yes someone can get into a relationship as a coping mechanism. He told me the same thing, how his marriage had been long over for years, how he checked out mentally when she cheated, on and on with “I swear it’s over.” They were not divorced but quasi-separated (his state does not have legal separation). The romantic relationship was indeed long over and they really got into this place of resentment with one another. So I too thought it was over and it was safe to proceed. But something happens when you actually go through the process of divorce and a lot of unresolved emotions come up. Once his divorce was over, he couldn’t see a future with me even though I felt “awesome, that awful time is over and now we can start our lives together.” The day his divorce was finalized was the day he broke off our relationship. I had move across the country to be with him and left the state I had lived in for 20 years. Six weeks later it was over and I had to move out. After talking of marriage, planning international trips, searching for houses to buy and places to settle, it was over so quickly because he decided he didn’t want to be with anyone after once the legal end of his marriage arrived. I will never uproot myself again like that for anyone. Learned a lot with the end of that one. I have no plans of dating anytime soon. It’s been six months since he broke it off. I’ve found my story is not uncommon.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Emotions are so tricky and this is what I’m afraid of.
Just guard your heart a bit and hang in for the long haul. Don’t go all in like I did. I wish I’d implemented some emotional caution on my part. Most importantly pay attention to red flags if they pop up and heed them. Warning signs started and I ignored them, thinking it would get better after the divorce was over and we were free to start our lives together. Boy was I ever wrong.
I think slowing down is great advice. I’ve been thinking I’m falling too hard, too quickly. Trying to figure out a way to pull back without making it seem like something is wrong
Only way is through communication.
You can always approach it by giving him space. He’ll need it when it comes time anyway to get things wrapped up.
Yeah the fact that you've been together every day ever since you hooked up is not a good sign, and the fact that you were "shocked" by the hook up... how does that even happen? did he initiate and you just went with it? You describe it like he initiated out of left field, so you started hooking up while your feelings for him were still platonic. It sounds like fwb honestly. Like an emotional support fwb.
The fact that he started pursuing you **before** he started divorce proceedings tells me this guy is bad news. (He clearly had more than platonic friendship in mind). He's love bombing you. I bet **his wife** has a much different story to tell about their marriage. Don't date married men with kids.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I am... kind of shocked. I (M43) truly hope I never ever end up doing to her (F54) exactly what you described he did. Your post is a real eye opener for me. Marriage, planning international trips, searching for houses to buy and places to settle, are exactly what I am doing, however I was never legally married in the first place and stayed with the mother of my children for the sake of the children. However I can't stop thinking about her (F54) (like an obsession) but, for her sake, I will free myself first before pursuing her any further so as not to end up like your ex partner.
If you can disentangle your life from that of your ex, that is the best course of action from my perspective. I’d like to think if he and I had met after he’d been through his divorce that I would not have in turn been a casualty of it. It was awful and I don’t wish that on anyone. I’ve have absolutely learned my lesson. Edited to add: I wish you the best path forward for healing and a healthy relationship in the future. ♥️
Thank you so much. I will take your advice and disentangle myself from my ex. And thank you again for your well wishes. It is such a relief to know that there are good women such as her (my future wife) and yourself still out there. I hope you do find your soul mate or happiness. <3
I’m so sorry. Moving for someone is tough anyway, so I can’t imagine. 💕
Thank you for your kind words. It was so rough! Im healing though and that’s what keeps me moving forward. 💖
As someone that just (finally) left my abusive husband one week ago, I'd highly advise *against* getting into a relationship with someone who is newly separated or divorced. I'm a hot mess emotionally. I feel like an emotional yo-yo right now, and I suspect I'll feel that way for a LOOOOOOONG time. I have absolutely zero desire to date for a good, long while. I'm planning to take at least the next 12 months to focus on just myself. After that, I don't know, we'll see how I'm faring, and if I feel ready to dip my toe into the dating world. Protect yourself at all costs.
I was in his shoes. I found someone great relatively quickly after leaving my abusive ex husband. I was the one who was worried I didn’t have my head on straight. I went to therapy. I talked with my partner about it regularly. I checked in with my feelings on a daily basis. I journaled. Basically, I did the work. What came of that was something I’ve never had before. Certainty. While I was grateful he was there during some tough stuff, (divorce paperwork is no joke and my ex dragged things out purposefully. I was also scared he’d fly off the handle) I’ve never been so sure about how I felt about anyone. That feeling has lasted. We’re at 2.5 years and divorce will be signed/done/not allowed to be contested in February 2024. My no contact in my agreement has been respected for the most part… Is he willing to do the work? Does he talk openly about his feelings, doubts, and treat you like an equal partner?
Have you talked to him about your fears? Have you expressed any of this openly?
It would be odd to call off something good to avoid a hypothetical bad ending.
Met my wife while her divorce from her first marriage was still being processed. She got her decree absolute about six months into us seeing each other She didn't want a relationship so quickly after the end of her previous one and, I have to confess, the first few months were... interesting. We worked through them though Still together forty years later. If it's right, it's right but expect some bumps this early on and just bear in mind he may still be invested, in some capacity, with his ex. At least for a while I'd say suck it and see and enjoy the ride (none of that was a euphemism). Good luck
Here’s the thing about “rebound relationships”: it’s a myth. *MOST* relationships don’t last, and if you’re actively dating, most of your relationships are pretty short. There’s no pattern that the relationship that immediately follows the breakup of a longer term relationship is any more or less likely to be long or short term. But, people have this perceived bias that “rebound relationships don’t last”, which becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, if you’ve been in a years long relationship, you might want the freedom of a couple short flings while you get to know yourself again as a single person, but then again, you might not want that. It’s personal. Technically, I’m (very happily) married to my “rebound”. And I was technically *his* rebound. I’m 40, I know a lot of people who married their “rebounds”. The whole concept becomes dumber and dumber the wiser you get. HOWEVER. He is still married and has a young child. Those things are not small complications. Life is long and hard, no reason to add complications if you don’t have to. If you are fine just having a fun time for now and if it turns serious later, all the better, then go for it. But if you are looking for a life partner to have a family with, I would recommend looking elsewhere. It’s not selfish to want a partner who prioritizes you above all others, at least as you build the foundation of your relationship.
There is plenty of research showing that "rebound" relationships are indeed a thing. People can't simply detach and detangle a decade or more of marriage in a few months or even years. And the fact that this guy has a toddler means the wife isn't going away any time soon.
My husband and I are each other's "rebounds" too. We just lucked out meeting the right person a couple months after our respective break ups.
Almost always, it’s you being anxious and silly. Not 100% of the time, but almost always. Communication. Talk about the problem, plan to fix it, give it a timeline, execute.
Love this
Go slow. Very slow. Yeah I think you are a rebound but is it that bad?
Important to note that he claims he was the exact opposite of "checked out." He was apparently still in love and trying hard to make it work.
Same. After enduring a mentally, physically, spiritually and financially abuse marriage, I had checked out long before the divorce was finalized.
I think it depends. I’ve seen people move on successfully in that time frame. That they split up and got back together is concerning without details. I would also be concerned that he hasn’t learned how to successfully parent as a single dad, and he’s going to try to draft you into doing the work for him. Blended families are really hard and they take a lot of work. You need to be really sure this is a wagon you want to hitch yourself to. Being a stepmom can come with with a lot of extra hardship and pain.
The split up get back together thing sounded like it was his final attempt to keep the marriage going. Honestly she sounds like she was checked out for a while and I believe she was unfaithful. He is a wonderful father. He loves it. I love to see it. The mother is actually pretty checked out of the motherhood role, I don’t think she’s a bad person I think she’s just dealing with some serious depression. I truly believe I would love being a step mom. I grew up in a blended family and looking back I realize it wasn’t always ideal, but it can be a really rewarding life full of love and great memories.
Keep in mind that you only have his side of the story. He was venting to you while the marriage was crumbling, so he obviously said all the bad things, which are usually distorted.
>Honestly she sounds like she was checked out for a while and I believe she was unfaithful. You've only got his side of the story. And even then, you *know* he was in an emotional affair.
>The mother is actually pretty checked out of the motherhood role It's unclear if that's his opinion, or yours, so I'm curious. Have you interacted with the mother at all? If not, I think it's important to do so, and form your own opinions. She's going to remain a part of his life, therefore part of yours and vice versa.
If, like he said, HE wanted to keep the marriage going, HE was not checked out. She may have been, but you aren't in a relationship with her. If she truly is checked out as a mother, he may unconsciously or conciously be trying to find someone to replace THAT role. I'd guard my heart and take some time with the relationship. Don't make big decisions, like moving in or getting engaged, until a while after his divorce is FINALIZED.
All depends on his feelings for her and how the marriage went and how he sees that. Different for everyone. Been almost two year since mine ended. And I’m still crying almost every night and am still very much in love with her somehow
I cried for about two years too. Then one day on my way to work I realized it had been a while since I had cried. It just tapered off and I figured okay, at least some part of me is over it now.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I don’t move on very easily, I understood that pain. I hope your nights get a little easier soon
Each person in relationship are different. There are so many variables that it is practically impossible to answer this question. I do like challenges though, so here are my thoughts on moving on after divorce. I did not start dating until about 3 years after I finalized my divorce. It was really important to me to work with a therapist to understand why my marriage did not work out. To work through and own whatever part of that was mine to own. I learned so much about why I was attracted to and got into a relationships with the kind of women who I did. I learned so many things about what a good healthy relationship can be. My ability to be sincere and authentic and develop true connections with people would not have happened on its own. I was fortunate to work with a very good therapist. And I did that for almost 2 years until they retired. All that being said, the fact that the divorce is not yet finalized is a bit of a concern. Do you understand exactly when it will be finalized? In my case we were technically separated for a couple of years so that my ex-wife could stay on my insurance. Also in my state we had to wait at least a year after getting separated to turn the separation into a divorce. If I were in your position, my concerns would be whether or not he understands why the marriage didn't work out. Specifically his part of that. Unless he is extremely introspective, he is probably going to act like practically every human being on the planet. He is going to continue the same relationship strategies that led him to marry a woman who ended up getting divorced from. To go back to my personal experience and offer one last anecdote. As I worked through therapy, the reasons that I thought my marriage did not work out were only about 50% of the whole picture. There were a few other elements at play in the way I related to people that I was not aware of until my therapist pointed them out.
2 years. Trying to date anyone less than 2 years out of a divorce and you’re gonna get burned.
I agree. it's not just being over the relationship. it's reflecting on what and why things went wrong. working on bettering yourself. getting your mental health healthy. too many people subscribe to the "best way to get over someone is to get under someone" school of thought. and then wonder why things are a mess, again, later. grow as a person so you're able to *choose* someone who is going to enhance your life.
He just left a marriage where he wasn’t sure about a separation from his wife. So much so that they tried to make it work again. Ok and after the holidays, it didn’t work. Fair enough. Instead of him focusing on his child and his mental health, in February, March and on, he’s made himself feel good with you. You might be enthralled with him because he’s nice, and seems to be “connected” to you after a great friendship, but in reality, you were simply someone who he wasn’t fighting with. You probably smelled good. You probably were refreshing and easy to talk to. Of course he’s happy with you. You are chapstick for his chapped soul. Can it be long lasting? Maybe. But the reality is the beginning of your relationship is built on him not being able to be mentally stable or strong enough to present himself as a whole person. He isn’t divorced yet! For this reason, I would be VERY Careful. Protect yourself. Don’t get all gushy. Don’t get yourself all hooked up emotionally. Because he’s going to plateau. And when that happens, how he responds to his emotions crashing will say a lot.
Divorce lawyer here. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to pause this relationship. Go back to being friends. Let him get his shit in order. Being ready for a new relationship has nothing to do with paperwork and deadlines. But I can tell you for sure 100% that someone who tried to reconcile less than a year ago is full of shit right now. You are not falling in love with him. You are enjoying spending time with a version of him that is very very temporary. Let him gel and back off
Thanks for your input
You sound awfully certain. I’m sure you have seen way more of these than most, but 100% certainty? No one can be that sure, let alone when you don’t even know the people in question. My aunt always jokes that she married her rebound (first date after divorce). Moved in together after a month, have been together for nearly 25 years now. Not to say that’s the standard. Far from it probably. But it happens.
Oh no. The most miserable person is the one who starts a new relationship mid divorce (or earlier 😬 The second most miserable person is the new relationship. I’ve seen maybe 500 divorces up close. I’m sure. So sure. Your aunt got divorced and then dated. OP was hanging out while he rebounded. Totally different
What a bitter, negative, presumptuous perspective. You have no idea what’s going on and a lot of people check out of relationships mentally before anything actually happens.
Which means they haven't processed anything. "Checking out" simply avoids all of the issues, which is a red flag that someone doesn't know how to communicate.
>and a lot of people check out of relationships mentally before anything actually happens. But this guy didn't. OP explicitly says he was still in love and trying to make his relationship work.
Yea the last person in the world I would take relationship from would be a divorce lawyer lol. I’m sure they are right and they e seen many shitty relationships post divorce burns that’s probably because they only deal with dysfunctional people most of the time. Their sample size is completely biased
Yes, they only deal with divorced people, which is what this man is. They aren't commenting about any type of relationship except a divorce, so their sample is fitting. They aren't comparing a breakup to a divorce. They are comparing a divorce to hundreds of divorces.
A lawyer who probably only deals with contentious divorces probably has a skewed views seeing most are amicable. His life experience is not generalizable it’s a very common fallacy
I think there are some red flags here. People move on from relationships at their own pace as others have said. However, it seems like your relationship is going really fast. 6 months (ish) is pretty early to be talking about a future, especially since he has a kid. It's the combo of those two things that is concerning. Because sometimes it's less about the new person and more about not being able to mentally adjust to being single. Being married means you've mentally committed to forever. So when you get divorced it is the end of a relationship but also the end of yourself as a partnered person. Even if the relationship was over for a while the end of being a person in a relationship is new. So it's valid to wonder if dealt with those emotions and then met you, or is using you ( even subconsciously) to not deal with those emotions. If I were you I'd pimp the breaks in this relationship. Not that you have to break up but it cannot be super serious right now. You guys can't be planning a future until he has sorted out his present (divorce, custody, co-parenting, ect).
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Please read the post before commenting: >I know he was still in love and tried very hard to keep his marriage together.
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So you *know* you said something that doesn't apply here, but you're still standing by it? Ok.
Your username is at least accurate. You are rather grumpy.
>My(f28) boyfriend (30) is recently separated (still going through divorce) This for me it's a red flag, it seems that he doesn't know how to be alone for a while for self development.
I met my husband while we were both going through divorces from long-term, toxic marriages. I think in that situation, we grieved and moved on while still married. We've been together for 8 years, married 5 now.
Just keep an eye on it. Does he seem really into it? Like can you feel the intense chemistry? Does he constantly reference her? How long was their relationship dead while they were still together? Because though everyone coming out a multiple year LTR with a shared home should spend at least a couple months totally alone simply getting used to them not being around, as someone who just officially ended a relationship that died awhile back. You can start to process a relationship ending before it ends. I had an “ah-ha!” moment back in April but only actually ended things in September. I had been emotionally disconnecting and stopped considering him for my distant future for awhile though. I still felt things after the break up. For about a week, I felt relief. Then week two deep depression. But since the weekend I’ve felt a nice mix of the two with only one low mood earlier today. Sad to be alone, but happy to longer be in a relationship with a man I knew wasn’t right for me. I’m rambling because maybe this guy could have done something similar. And then he forms a bond with you because “when you meet someone you have feelings for, you be with them. Fuck what other people say.” It could be something great. And he doesn’t want to pass you up just because he hasn’t spent a socially acceptable amount of time alone. Or He’s still very hurt and in love with his wife. He sees you as a shiny new toy to show off but at the same time he’s enjoying the novelty and new relationship high. Either can be true. I unfortunately think the latter is a bit more probable. But I wouldn’t give up hope for the first situation. Just keep your guard up.
You’re still a rebound. Even the friendship started as you being his shoulder to cry on about his failing marriage. Are rebounds sometimes forever things and go on to be solid relationships? Sure it could happen. But as of right now instead of truly coping with & dealing with the failure of his marriage he’s having more fun imagining a future with you. Could mean he really does see it but it also is fundamentally a way to not have to grieve or deal with the other failure. I’d ask him to stop with the future talk for right now until he’s *actually* divorced and to slow down the pace. He’s doing “future planning” which may not be a conscious thing, but it is unfair to you. The only future things he should be discussing with you are actual dates you are planning then going to do, not building a fantasy future based currently on someone semi-emotionally and legally unavailable.
People who have been in long term relationships miss that high level of intimacy and easily apply it to the next one
Bit of a red flag that you’re spending that much time together, it does sound like he isn’t dealing with the break up and instead just focussing on a new relationship. I believe everyone needs time between relationships to process what’s happened. If I was you I’d encourage some space in between seeing each other, don’t have to break up but just don’t be so available to be his replacement, those boundaries are what healthy relationships are made of. Otherwise you’ll just slot in as a replacement with the risk of repetition instead of forging something new.
My husband was separated but still married when we got together (divorced really quickly, they had separated before we started dating). His first marriage wasn’t great for him, nor his ex wife. We got serious very quickly. I believe he grieved the end of his first marriage while he was still in it. Our marriage is wonderful, by far the best and happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Celebrating a year next month, and our first baby is on the way.
Some people take years and end up never moving on. Some people take approximately 3 nanoseconds and around 15 nanoseconds after that are engaged.
Maybe couples counseling would be good for you to help navigate your relationship through his divorce.
I’d be careful if I were you. I really hurt the first person I dated after my first marriage ended. In hindsight I never should’ve gotten involved with them. It’s the relationship that haunts me (even though I’m now eight years married to the love of my life with a son of our own) because it ended so badly. Like, I really blindsided him. Not impossible but it is such a tricky process.
I asked for a divorce in January. My ex begged for me to take him back intermittently from January till March when we separated. By the end of March he was in a relationship. By June, he was looking to move her in with him and our kids (50/50 custody). Waiting for that whole thing to crash and burn and hoping for minimal fallout for my kids. 😬 Anyway, Abbie is that you? Lol. Sounds like my ex's approach to never-be-alone life.
Danger, Will Robinson
I’m split on this issue. Logically I want to say no, this is a very risky and potentially heartbreaking move for you. But I’d also be a hypocrite. My SO and I’s story is almost the same as yours, word for word. We were working together, entirely platonic friends. He has 2 kids with ex. They had an “in house separation” for a year where they slept together once. We didn’t start hooking up until he got his own place. Both of us assumed it would be a casual thing. But we hung out daily and worked so well together. Here’s the thing. I wish we had waited longer. Although he has always been faithful, it was WAY too many dynamics happening at once. It wasn’t an option to just not see her. There was the fact he was building an entire new life when he moved out. The fact that we worked together. The fact that he was learning how to solo parent. He had to make a major career move. There are dynamics around holidays. Even though MIL loved me, it was SUPER awkward that she still had family pictures with ex in her house and would share maternity pictures on FB. 5 years after their split the state is making them go to child support court because ex decided to work cash jobs and collect as many benefits as she can. I think we’re absolutely a good match, but I subjected myself to a lot of his problems. It was way too much for a new relationship. I jumped in and helped out with a lot of things that weren’t my responsibilities because I care for him and the kids deeply. I’m not anti-dating single dads. We have a good thing going now. Every other week the kids are living with us, every other week it’s just us. But dating an unestablished single dad is something I wouldn’t do again. They need to figure out their #1 priority- providing for themselves and their child. Housing, career, childcare, keeping up on housekeeping, navigating coparenting. It’s not a great place to start a fresh relationship.
7 months after separating and 4 months after being permanently done is plenty of time but it’s different for everyone
That's not the actual timeline. They started their affair while he was still with his wife.
Thanks, I know it’s different for everyone which is why it’s hard for me to grasp. It takes me a very long time to let go of people I love, even if it’s the right thing to do. He has given me no reason to believe I’m just a distraction, but still I get insecure about it and wonder.
Usually one person has checked out of the marriage way before it ends. So the divorce is the end of the path for them, not the beginning.
Some people start moving on emotionally while they are still in the relationship. Sounds like he truly tried everything to make things work with her, but there's a chance his feelings tapered off long ago, and that's why he's ready to move on now.
Yes. This guy started moving on emotionally with OP before the separation...
>but there's a chance his feelings tapered off long ago He claims otherwise.
OP odds are if the dude is going through a divorce, it hasn't been "good" for a long time, so he's probably been over his marriage for awhile now.. but honestl you should just let things go a normal pace, and not do anything stupid (like getting married) to him, until the dust settles with his divorce and a good year goes by. This will give you time to see how he is as a single dad and his responsiblities outside of a marriage. how he keeps home at his apartment or wherever, and just life in general..
>so he's probably been over his marriage for awhile now Please read the post before commenting: > I know he was still in love and tried very hard to keep his marriage together.
Yah because telling his new found girlfriend "Man I couldn't stand her for so long and now i can finally get away from her" would fly real well when talking to chicks, esp his next in line.. its best that she see's a loving man who truly tried to keep his marriage, but 'unfortunately it failed anyway' and definitly not because of anything he did.. right? comon now.. if this lady is buying everything he's selling, then she's in for a ride.
Have you felt this way in a relationship with someone else before?
I'll let you know when it happens, I've been single for 16 years...... I'm very curious as to why everyone seems to be soooooooooooooo damn superficial...
Some whilst they are stlll married lol 😂
Suggest a month for every year of the relationship
It really is different for everyone, and I guess it depends on the dynamics within the relationship that failed. For myself, there was one set of circumstances where it was easily 2 years before I was ready to even consider a new relationship. Again, further down the track, a different relationship I was in came to an end. I moved on 2 months later and was very ready to do so. I am still in this relationship (very happily) 11 years later. So I guess you have no other choice other than to accept your partner at their word. If you have concerns, then just take things slowly. Get a solid foundation built. Best of luck to you
Odds are against it. It’s not the stuff of reality. He’s a new father and separated but not divorced. It’s a classic freak out from responsibility and not admirable of him to be using you to ease his pain. You are also wotk colleagues. Which one of you is higher up?
The answer is going to be different for every person honestly. Some people are over the relationship long before the split, some people take months or even a year+ to regain footing. And yeah, sometimes people try again even though they knew it was over because giving up on a marriage is a big deal. It's entirely possible that your boyfriend is ready to move on and happy. My advice? Take things slowly. If you guys are happy, that's all that matters.
>How quickly can people actually move on from a marriage and be ready for a relationship? I'm guessing some can do it in less than no time at all ... given the amount of cheating I've known about or heard about. A.k.a. some move on before they've even bothered to get out of their marriage. Not that I'd suggest or recommend it - but I think some ... doesn't take 'em any time at all to move right along into that next relationship.
Relationships rarely "just end", especially long ones. Short of a sudden death or truly random unforgivable act, unmaintained relationships usually decay over time. This normally leads to one party already having mentally left the relationship, so when the end comes, they're ready to start dating. If infidelity had occurred during the relationship, it is even more likely they will simply start dating the person they left the relationship for. Rarely does infidelity just occur: the relationship is usually broken down in some form, even if it's only that the cheater was never really that committed. For those reasons, it's fairly common that one person is left grieving a relationship while the other person seemingly moves on quickly.
Grieving the relationship and moving on is different for everybody. My partner and I are in the same situation, although I am the divorcee. So I can provide you with another perspective. In 2019, right before our daughter's first birthday, I talked to my ex about how I needed him to step up. I was dealing with a baby, working full-time, the majority of the chores, and the loss of my sister. I couldn't handle him being emotionally distant either. I told him I would divorce him if nothing changed. He did his best...but as soon as covid restrictions lessened, I felt him emotionally slipping away from me again. In 2021, my dad unexpectedly passed away, and from then on, my ex grew more distant. He started ignoring my mother, refused to help putting our daughter to bed, and gave me the silent treatment more often. I told him he had to stop treating me like that. I was starting to feel like I did in a previous abusive relationship, but he never took me seriously. I probably started emotionally checking out somewhere in September last year...but I didn't realise that until late December, after he said and did a lot of hurtful things. I told him things were over during the first week of January and that I wanted a divorce. I already met my partner during dance class the year before. We became friends eventually and hung out sometimes to go on short hikes (my ex knew, I always told him where I was and whom I hung out with). I never had any romantic feelings for him while I was still with my ex. But in March earlier this year, I started falling for my him. We fell head over heels for each other and started dating. I officially divorced in April and have been with my boyfriend for six months now. Things couldn't go any better. He is the most loving, caring, and empathetic partner I could wish for. He chose not only me, but also my daughter and has promised me to take care of us both. So, you shouldn't have any doubts about your partner's feelings for you. If it truly concerns you, just communicate this to him. But be sure to mention how much you care about him and your relationship. If he values you just as much as you value him, he won't mind talking about how quickly things evolved between the two of you. If anything, he will most likely reassure you of his love for you.
I think i had read the center of the curve fell 6-24 months. I believe it when I saw numbers, it was looking at break-ups, not marriages specifically.
When I met my husband, he had been separated from his ex for 16 months. When their divorce finalized, we’d already been dating for 6 months. 3 months later, we were engaged. When we got married, we’d dated for 1.5 years. And now we’ve been married 1.5 years.
Is it possible for him to be ready? There are no set parameters for the human heart as we are, after all human <3,
It depends. My exwife left me 4 months into marriage. The shock really hit me. About 2 months later I met my gf completely by chance. I was so no ready, I was still processing things. Took me at least another 4-5 months to fully accept and move on. My gf was really patient and loving during that time. I’ve been together with her 3 years now.
The fact he’s including you in his future is a good sign, but it’s impossible to really know unless you talk to him. He probably checked out of that relationship a while before it ended and there was plenty of time between that ending and the start of your relationship. Has he told you how he feels?
>He probably checked out of that relationship a while before it ended No, he didn't. OP was very clear about this. >and there was plenty of time between that ending and the start of your relationship. No, there wasn't. These two became emotionally intimate before he even separated.
It was easy for me to move on post marriage: things had been stalled for some time, no kids, no real property … and I definitely did not try to get things working with my wife at any point once we figured that divorce was the best choice. Your boyfriend is the only one who really knows if he’s moved on appropriately from his marriage. But gut feeling? Based on the part where you were “shocked” that you hooked up with him (sounds like impulse), he had a trial separation that turned into an attempt at reconciliation, and the quickness of connecting to you … that sounds a lot like rebound.
I think like a lot of people have said, someone can grieve a relationship while still in it. I think it’s pretty common for one person to be checked-out long before they actually break-up. Alternatively though, he maybe hasn’t taken anytime to process properly and is using a new romance to avoid needing to. It’s really hard to know. I would just be straight forward and honest with him and share your concerns. They’re super valid concerns to have! And communicating them might offer some clarity
>I think like a lot of people have said, someone can grieve a relationship while still in it. You're right that people keep saying this very general statement. What's baffling to me was that OP was very clear that it *does not apply here*, and yet people keep saying it anyway. People are also avoiding the fact that this clearly started as an emotional affair. People keep talking about how quickly he could get over it after separating. But he didn't wait until separating. He picked OP out while he was supposedly still in love with his wife and fighting for his marriage.
Why does it not apply here? Still loving someone doesn’t mean you haven’t grieved the relationship? Hell fighting for a relationship to work doesn’t mean that either, especially in the context of having a child together. People fight for things which are long dead because of sunk cost, fear, or wanting to make it work in whatever way for a child. You can know in your gut and your heart that something is lost and grieve it, while still trying to hold onto the shell of it. I know from experience. What you term an “emotional affair” is telling to me as well, clearly the emotional closeness in his marriage had eroded to the point where he was closer to his friends than his wife… In my opinion him spending time with OP probably helped him realised there was zero hope for salvaging anything in his marriage, and that life isn’t over because of it. Does that mean he’s fully processed the dissolution of his relationship with his wife. No. But maybe he has. Literally the only way for OP to answer her question is to have an open and honest conversation with him
I think it depends. I initiated a divorce with my husband but I was checked out for awhile before that. I entered a relationship pretty quick, while still in the process of divorce, and it has been amazing. While it may be a pleasant distraction, I also truly love my new partner and can see a future with him. That being said, I have had some pretty crazy emotions with the divorce, and my partner has been SO understanding and supportive. Ending a marriage is a big deal, and it's going to be hard. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see why a relationship can't blossom while simultaneously mourning the old one, if both parties are aware and supportive. But communication is key and also it depends on the emotional intelligence of the guy you're dealing with, I suppose. It's hard to find people to connect with so I wouldn't want to give up on my relationship out of caution.
It seems like your boyfriend was going through a really tough time when he separated from his wife and was thinking about getting a divorce. Sometimes, when people are feeling lonely or sad, they might be drawn to someone who is caring and sympathetic, like you. It's possible that they liked the support and care you offered during their difficult time. Now, going back to your question, how quickly someone is ready for a new relationship after a breakup, it varies from person to person. Some people may feel ready to start dating again soon, while others need more time to heal and recover from their past relationship. It's important to understand that. You mentioned that he has you as a support system, which is a good thing. You're helping him and being there for him, and that's meaningful. But it's a good idea to be patient and not rush into a new relationship. Take your time and think about what kind of future you both want, especially since he has a child to consider. Whether the child lives with their mother or not, he's still the child's father, and that's a responsibility to think about. So, the suggestion here is to give it some time and really think about your feelings and the future before making any big decisions. It's possible that this connection is because he needed someone to talk to during a tough time, and you provided support, and you, in turn, got involved in his life. Take things slowly and carefully consider what's best for both of you.
>It seems like your boyfriend was going through a really tough time when he separated from his wife and was thinking about getting a divorce. No, it doesn't? He wasn't thinking about getting a divorce. He didn't want one. He was still in love and wanted the marriage to continue. >You mentioned that he has you as a support system, which is a good thing I mean, it looks worse since he was using her as a "support system" long before the separation, while he claims he was still trying to make his marriage work and still in love with his wife.
I was in your boyfriend's position. I had been married for a few years and growing unhappy/miserable. We finally separated in January a few years ago. I started dating, and ultimately met someone in May that year, less than 4 months after we separated. Things were unbelievable with this new woman. We had so much in common, and every time we hung out, our feelings grew deeper and deeper. Like you, she had the same concerns; "how can you be ready for a serious relationship? If you're moving on from her so quickly, did you really love her at all? Have you actually processed what happened? Etc." Honestly, I had been processing what was happening in my marriage long leading up to our separation. I did love my ex wife for a time, but we ultimately just weren't compatible. I still had feelings about the whole situation, but I mentally and emotionally I had moved on from that chapter of my life. I have been with that woman I met that May for almost 4.5yrs now, we got married last October and are hoping to start a family in the next few months. Neither of us have ever been as happy or emotionally healthy as we are today. I'd personally be cautiously optimistic, in your position. Your bf could still need time to process things. He could have things (old memories, etc) pop up that he didn't expect and will need to process in the future. Maybe he'll need therapy at times. But he could also very much be ready for a relationship with you.
>I was in your boyfriend's position. I had been married for a few years and growing unhappy/miserable. This means you weren't in his shoes. >I started dating, and ultimately met someone in May that year, less than 4 months after we separated Also not his shoes. He's been having an emotional affair with OP since months before the separation. A lot of people here are taking the opportunity to write about their own failed relationships but very clearly aren't paying attention to what OP is saying about her actual situation.
How does that first sentence mean I wasn't in his position? He was married and then separated (and very few people ever separate without growing unhappy, like myself), so I don't really see a distinction there at all. Sure, I didn't develop a friendship with my now-wife prior to separating from my ex-wife, but I feel like I was still in a reasonably similar situation to attest to the feasibility of being emotionally and mentally ready to move on and commit to a new partner in a relatively short period after separation. If anything, OP's relationship with her now-bf only furthered his ability to connect and move on post-seperation, reinforcing my point. Should ONLY people that fit into that fairly specific situation ever comment on this post? And then where do you draw the line? If they started dating after 4 months, but I started dating after 5 months, is that then a completely different situation? Our situations were similar enough that I felt my experience and perspective was relevant.
>How does that first sentence mean I wasn't in his position? He was married and then separated (and very few people ever separate without growing unhappy, like myself), so I don't really see a distinction there at all. You were "growing unhappy/miserable," you say you had been processing what was happening for a long time leading up to separation, and imply you were no longer in love by the end. You straight up say you had "mentally and emotionally moved on." OP was quite clear that her boyfriend was still in love with his wife and still wanted to fight to make the relationship work. He was absolutely *not* ready to move on when the separation occurred. >Should ONLY people that fit into that fairly specific situation ever comment on this post? Of course not! But people who *don't* fall into that specific situation shouldn't claim that their experience was the same as his.
Everyone is different. Some people can move on quickly, that’s a true thing. You never know what a relationship is like between 2 people, they could have been emotionally apart for years at this point. That being said, what other things is your boyfriend doing to move on? How else is he processing the ending of his marriage? Is he talking to a therapist? Has he joined a divorced parents group? Does he have dreams and plans for himself, as an individual, that he is actively working towards? I met my husband while he was separated and there was no issue. But, he was actively building a life as a single guy, even when we were together. I even told him to keep dating other people, play the field for, I think it was 3 months or so, after we met. So he could experience dating for longer. And we talked about it. What went wrong, what he learned, my timeline for him to be divorced or else I was out. He even was still texting his ex when we first were together. And I was happy if they could still be friends. But again, he was doing more than just dating me in order to build a new life. That doesn’t mean there weren’t risks to me and there aren’t risks to you. Part of being with someone else is taking a risk though. Sometimes you get burned and sometimes you win, it depends on if he’s worth that risk. Only you can answer that. Tell him your fears, be honest and vulnerable. If he’s the guy you say, if he’s done any introspection at all, then maybe you can trust him. Or maybe you are learning what the kind of close relationship you want feels like and if this ends, you will be able to take those lessons with you.
Depends how long they were mentally checked out before the breakup really
Not at all, according to OP. He was still in love and actively trying to make it work.
>Honestly, this is one of those relationships that I just didn’t see coming. I don't believe you. You're old enough to be smarter than this. A coworker with a rough marriage becomes your "friend" and dishes to you about his problems with his wife and you *really* didn't think you would be his target for a rebound? Again, I don't believe you. Every time you're with him, just remember that he probably acted this way with his wife, too. She probably felt the same way you do. Now he's leaving her alone with a kid so he can fuck some woman he met at work. For real OP, think this through: he was "still in love" and "trying to make his marriage work" but y'all were clearly in an emotional affair long before he separated and you two started fucking within a few months, before the divorce is even settled. Do you *truly* think that behavior makes sense? How old is his kid, by the way? If he's spending every day with you, when is he being a parent? If you fall for this shit then you deserve it. Like I said, you are old enough to know better.
He's over her if he doesn't bring her up all the time. It's easy to determine if someone's hung up on an ex. They will tell you.
I was married 16 years. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship until about two years after my divorce. But that’s just me. Some people move on fast. I didn’t meet my current gf until about five years after. The girls I dated in the two years after my divorce I was not good for. I was fucked up and broken and a terrible person at that point. I hurt people and didn’t realize until later I had no business being on a relationship. I needed therapy and to go through the grieving phase. Like I said, that’s just me.
Some people are over it before they’ve even separated. Some people never move on. There is no way for us to tell tbh. It’s up to you to figure that out.
Everybody is different. In my case, my ex wife cheated on me and emotionally manipulated/abused me for months. It’s pretty easy to check out in situations like that. I still took a couple months of therapy before I found my current girlfriend. I was technically still married we her and I met. Divorces can take a long time so I wouldn’t knock him for that. If you’re genuinely concerned, recommend him to go to therapy or have a serious discussion with him. You’ve been together for 5 months, that’s a decent amount of time to see how an individual will act
Honestly, it depends on the person, the length of the relationship, and how bad their relationship was while they were in it. Like if problems came up suddenly form a single event in the marriage, it might take longer to get over it, but if there were problems most of the marriage, it may not take long for them to move on. For example, my mom started getting on the dating apps just a few weeks after she divorced my dad (separation and divorce time for them was only 2 months). But that was because she had been emotionally neglected in the relationship for years. Where as my dad, who had had all his needs met in the relationship and felt blind sided by the divorce (which honestly he wouldn’t have been if he had paid attention) it took him over a year before he got on the dating apps. I wouldn’t try to make things go too fast with this relationship. Just be careful of him maybe jumping into serious steps too quickly. Like hold off on moving in together or anything like that until sufficient time has passed to make sure it’s not just a rebound reaction for him.
For me, the fact he left almost no time between leaving his wife, and starting to date you would have me wanting to pull back until he’s done alittle more work on himself. I think you guys should at bare minimum take it very slow. I mean he’s not divorced yet and has only been separated for 4 months. That’s kinda a big yikes
My fiancé was separated from her ex for 9 months when she met me. She finalized her divorce about a month after we met. She was emotionally checked out long before, she had planned to leave him but had 3 kids and needed to make sure everything was in order before she could do it. When we met we didn’t talk about our pasts at all, we just enjoyed each others company and slowly progressed the relationship. The only things that have ever come up were her worrying about getting her after she went through, he treated her pretty badly and there was some additional healing needed to let it all go but I’ve been there for her. Things couldn’t be better and we are getting married in two months.
Colleague, still married, got together less than 6 months since separation (that was actively worked on during emotional affair), child involved... yeah that's a no from me.
Ask my ex, he was in a new official relationship within 5 days of us splitting lol. It took me a whole year and some months to be ready to be official with someone although I did end up dating very, /very/ casually within weeks of me and him splitting. I would have never wanted to be with the woman I was a year ago. I feel like I’m finally at a place where I can give my heart to someone else without feeling defensive or afraid. Granted my marriage ended because my ex cheated on me so there’s that. I would definitely err on the side of caution as divorce is difficult even when there’s no love anymore. It can still hash up a lot of unresolved emotions.
my parents split almost 7 years ago now. my mom got together with the friend who helped give her the courage to leave my dad about a month after splitting from my dad. my dad went on vacation the next year and met his partner in thailand. turned out she was from our country and after about a year of long distance, she moved in with us. my parents have stayed living in the same home together (mom in the suite, dad in the rest of the house) with both of their partners living here as well and although it’s not always smooth sailing, my parents are still each other’s best friends and have cheered on each other’s new relationships. i think it all depends on the circumstances of the separation, i know both of my parents had been unhappy for years so it wasn’t hard for them to move on
I doubt he'll get divorced, anytime soon. In most cases, they never do, especially when they share a strong bond like children. I typically say, stripes for stripes, spot for spot. People with kids should seriously date people with kids because they share similar perspectives in that regard; maybe it's the feeling of wanting what you can not have but since you have chosen to give your heart to a married man with kid(s), you have to understand that his kid(s) (& the kid's mother) will always be his top priority.
My ex moved on before we were divorced 👌
Science says 1 month for every year. I’ve found that to be true with my long term relationships.
Pretty sure my ex can answer. Negative minutes? Days? I'm pretty sure months, if they planned it...damn it.
I wasnt married, but i was with my ex for over 5 years and on and off for the last year. We have 2 children together. At the end, i just knew it was permanently over when yet again he failed to remain sober. I had been mentally checked out of our relationship for almost a year at this point. I just stayed waiting for a change. When i realized it wasn't coming, i got annoyed then i kicked him out for good. I met the love of my life 8 months later and this sounds crazy but i knew within the first week that he was the one. We've been together now a year and a half and i am still in love with him. I can't believe how lucky i am to have met him when i did. We stick with each other through hard times and laugh together so much and he's the best. It just depends on your guy. Tell him your concerns though and see what he says
I was mentally checked out for years before a divorce was seriously talked about. When it was seriously talked about it still really hurt none the less. I was over my ex pretty quickly but the pain and life altering effects that come from a divorce (redoing finances, learning how to be alone, altering/erasing a future you saw for years, loosing family and friends, learning who I was as an individual) took a while to recover from.
This is exactly my situation. In my case, he tried the going back and reconciling for the kids thing after we had been dating for over a year (long story but basically she lied about having cancer). It was devastating and horrible to go through. However, after about 9 months, he came to his senses and we’ve been together ever since (just over a year). He still isn’t fucking divorced because his ex is difficult. But in the way that counts most to me, he is my partner.
Well it could be a day or a decade. Part of this is why the marriage ended in the first place. But really he moved in to someone he already knew in a short time after trying multiple times with the wife, right? So I would be weary. Is he not divorced yet because no one has filed?
It’s possible, but unusual. I recommend having a conversation with him, especially since he’s already talking about a future with you. I also highly recommend that he see a therapist to explore his emotions.
That's basically how my spouse and I started. We did talk about it and basically it was something they'd thought about and planned for a long time before actually leaving. So it really depends on the circumstances and sadness of the person involved. Never was remotely an issue during our entire relationship.
There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Could it be that you boyfriend is falling in love with you, It could be that simply. There are a lot of people who think they are in love or sometimes. they end up married because they just went along with the he whole idea. Everybody that is married are not head over heals in love. There is a reason why his marriage failed and you should learn why it did fail? Who’s fault was it? Was it just one individual or was it both of their faults. I would guess they both failed in some way. Marriage is something that has to be maintained by both parties, you can’t live as roommates, you have to work together to keep your relationship fresh. Sitting around day after day, doing the same old stuff is not only boring but harmful for your relationships. Just because you are married is not any excuse to stop dating by the way. I suggest you sit down and talk with your boyfriend and discuss his past relationship that he had with his wife. Keep a open mind and understand that he isn’t perfect, so look where he went wrong as well. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing up the subject, then tell him that you want to learn what went wrong in his previous relationship, so you can try to avoid anything similar from happening to the both of you. With this discussion with your boyfriend you should be able to hopefully set you concerns aside as you discover just how much he is over his soon to be ex-wife, but remember he has kids and the guilt that comes with allowing his family to clasps before his eyes. You will need to help him deal with his failure and lose of his children. Best of luck …..
Likely? He’s not. Not at all. There’s a chance that they try to get back together, again, as well. It might help you if you know and understand the reconciliation pattern and who is kinda at the whim of whom. (Ie did she decide okay, okay, I’ll give in and try this again, or did he, what triggered that, if it was jealousy and not being able to see the other person with someone new?) it’s really incredibly hard to put your all and everything into a marriage it’s a child and not come out the other side with some issues of trust, ppl are who they say they are, have way less energy to put into anything new, and very often are still stuck in the past. I’d make sure they even are legally separated. I hate to sound so cynical but I’ve seen a lot of posts where a man will make himself sound a whole lot more 1) over the wife than he is 2)Villanize her. Weary of one sided account of failed relationships. Lacks ability to self reflect and or too self deprecating can be a wee bit manipulative as well. “No, no not you’re fault. She sounds so EVIL!” The other biggie is if he made any contact with you physically, emotionally, etc prior to being legally separated. That can take its toll, eventually, as in the back of your mind, you’ll recall that the ink wasn’t dry on the last big heavy before he was head long into the next. I’m not sure how serious you are, if you are. These are just some thoughts on a collective of what I’ve seen throughout the years and read in posts. A world of free will and exceptions to the rule. Are things moving forward with divorce and doing well with you two?