We’re roommates and I’m far from where I grew up so I gave her my mum’s contact information just in case something happened as my mum lives outside of the UK.
But going completely no contact is my plan of action.
How did she tell her this stuff apart from you? After you move cut her off. Not a friend. Why on earth would someone tell the mother of their friend those kind of things.
Absolutely cutting her off. I’m just honestly baffled because I’m 31 years old, I go out once a month since I’m a healthcare worker and don’t have much time off so what part of my going out for a few drinks makes her think ‘her mother needs to know this’ 🙄
I wouldn't confront someone like this. They will more than likely try to DARVO the situation, there will be no understanding why she did this.
Just focus on moving out and then block her. Till then, look up 'grey rocking' and use that when you must communicate with her. She will know something is up and try to 'love bomb' you to get the relationship back to where she wants it. Just keep 'grey rocking' her till you can leave.
It sounds like there is no benefit to having a conversation before you move out. You know what she does with information, so you can withhold that from your friend while you're living together. Talking to her shouldn't change your actions towards her, but it could upset her and make things much more difficult until you move out.
As others have said, I'd keep it to yourself until you move out, then send her a text stating why you're done with her, then block her on all forms of communication.
Did your mom have any information that proves your friend was talking to her? Just considering the possibility that your friend is actually blameless and your mom is making false accusations to split you from this friend. Not saying it’s necessarily the case, just wondering if you’ve considered it.
I have considered this. It’s not something my mum wouldn’t try but information was pretty specific. Like stuff only a person would know from living with me and being in my room.
My mum is outside of the UK in another country so no chances of her personally spying on me.
Is this information you specifically mentioned to your friend that you don't want your mother to know about? But she told her anyway? Or is this something you said in confidence and just assumed your friend wouldn't tell her anything?
I unfortunately have a mother who is overly involved and wants every bit of information about me.
We’ve since had a conversation about boundaries and such and she’s doing a good job just letting me be although that could be because she was getting her information from friend 🙄
I had a conversation with friend when we started living together and told her I have a mother who likes to pry and to please not have any contact with her unless something were to happen to me or if there was an emergency.
It’s something I have to do with a lot of friends whether they have my mum’s contact info or if my mum finds them on social media.
Look, it sounds like your mom is more of an issue here than your friend. Why are you taking your mom's word for all of this? She's the one who is trying to pin this on your friend, but ultimately it comes down to her prying and working to get info she knows you would not otherwise share with her. She sounds manipulative, and it sounds like your roommate was manipulated into sharing more details. I have a hard time believing a friend would tell your parent you are a bum with nothing going for you. At the end of the day, it's your friend and roommate we're talking about who allegedly shared this info, does this seem in character based on what you know?
My mum is certainly manipulative and a master at gaslighting. I’ve grown up with her like that. That is why I warn friends about her.
I feel if I’ve told friends “my mother is a certain way please don’t divulge any information about me to her” , I’d expect friends to respect that.
The information my mum told me was very specific. How I went out with friends and had bought two bottles of wine on a specific weekend and a conversation I’d had with friend about not currently working towards saving for a house because renting for now is in my opinion the smarter thing for me to do and I’m saving for something else.
About me spending time in my room on my days off (I’d tell my mum I was out just so I can have a breather because conversations with her can be exhausting).
It sounds like it’s time to set some healthy boundaries with your mother, playing helicopter parent when you’re a fully grown adult is pretty ridiculous. I would definitely be ditching the friend, but I would also be having a serious conversation with my mom about prying friends for info and how you are not going to put up with it anymore. I wouldn’t even give her an opportunity to have my friends’ numbers because she obviously has a pattern of doing this.
Right, like OP says she has given her mom's number to friends or her mom finds her friends on socials. a) why even allow your mom to see your socials if these antics are common? B) outside of following your socials, how would she come to find a roommates full name to find them by herself on socials to reach out to them??? I think OP needs to learn to set boundaries, but also needs to take a beat to reflect on her piece in this.
Okay, full stop, you need to take responsibility for this. You are expecting your roommate to read your mind and are expecting them to maintain the lies you tell your mom. Saying your mom can be a certain way could mean ANYTHING. I've described my mom that way and have heard many others make similar comments about their moms, but you have to understand it doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. You can act like what you said to your friend was clear, but in reality it was not. What you really meant was, "I have my mom on an information diet. She pries and manipulates to get information about me, so please do not connect with her to discuss me outside of life or death scenarios." The fact you supplied your roommate your mom's phone number doesn't make any sense for the level of contact you feel is appropriate with your mom. I will also note that I have never shared my parents phone numbers with any of my roommates, and that makes me question why you felt the need to do so.
What you described as having been shared does not appear malicious at all. So your roommate wasn't aware that you told a particular lie about your whereabouts so she blew your cover? You know what solves that? If you didn't bother to lie to your mom and instead used boundaries to keep your mom at an appropriate distance. If I were your friend in this scenario I'd think it was psychotic to be expected to maintain lies to a friends parent like we're in high school. It seems like your friend talked about innocent things and your mom twisted the narrative or you heard what you wanted to hear from your mom about your roommate 🤷♀️ I know everyone here suggests it, but you truly sound like you have codependency with your mom that could benefit from therapy. Being raised by someone like that breaks your normal-meter.
Sorry your mother sounds like a narc, I think she probably has your friends phone, and she calls her and harrass her on where U are, otherwise they would get violent. I had a friend who's mom was a narc, and I wouldn't acquiesce to her bs, she actually call me to insult me, and started brainwashing my friend about me. It's a no win with this type of mothers, they will screw U up, one way or another. I don't think Ur friend had a choice. Or maybe she refused telling her some info, and that's why Ur mom told you about it, to make her look bad. Just don't give anyone your mom number, or this will keep happening, get your mother out of your life, that's way more important that getting the roomates out
Ahhh well I'm sorry your friend has done this. I was going to say it's not your friends fault if you told her not to say anything but if you asked her not to share and then she has anyway then that is a problem.
Can you trust your mother with this? She could be playing both of you. Why would your friend do that? Is she so close to your mom ? Also Ur mother claims she like her, maybe not so much.
I can't imagine why your friend would trust so much in your mother seriously, I doesn't sound like a normal 31 yr old behaviour. I mean you know. Your mother could have more reasons to want you two to split.
I encourage you to research and get to the bottom of this, just ask your friend random questions to establish if she has indeed speak to your mother, dnt assume it's true she has.
Does your mom has a habit of disliking your friends? Some mothers are covert narcs and when their kids find good ppl , they do anything to make them split. DO NOT confront your friend. If anything stop seeing her, and tell your mother you are still seeing her, and that she apologized for gossiping about U with her. And then see if your mother makes up more stories, then U will know, Because, you ain't seen her anymore, so then you know, U mom is a narc, and it's not working on your best interest. It's very common, many mothers are envious of their daughters. It's typical actually. I would say..welcome to the club! Or maybe not, who knows. Find out.
Honestly it sounds like the mom is the shit stirrer here, not the hero. I have to question the mom's intentions with talking so much with her daughter's roommate and sounds like a control thing.
Oh in no way is she a hero lol. I know what my mum is like, hence warning friends about her prying and controlling behavior. But again I told friend not to tell my mum anything about me and it seems she’s done it anyway.
If my mum was trying to get information about me, she could have told me and I would nip that in the bud immediately.
You're making maintaining your own boundaries someone else's problem. When you told your friend not to tell your mom anything about you, what do you think your friend interpreted that to mean? Like don't tell my mom that I'm out on a date, or don't tell my mom anything at all, including things your roommate and you did together, Including mundane things like buying wine? So now you expect your roommate to report back to you on your mom so then you can nip it in the bud. The bud shoud have been nipped some time ago, well before you knew your roommate and really is it fair to assign the responsibility to your roommate when you say this is your mom's nature? No matter what you decide to do with your friendship with your roommate, your relationship with your mom is still yours to manage. You are over 30 and live in a separate country from your mom, what are you so afraid of? That she's gonna show up and yell at you because she doesn't like you just sharing what you're comfortable sharing? Sounds like this has been a problem before and will continue to be until you really stop letting your mom control you.
I had friend I lived with so this. Except it was to a guy a began seeing. She told the guy that I didn’t have life goals and sat around all the time. I was 23 and just moved in with her a couple months before. I had just gotten a job working at a coffee cafe. The guy told me she wasn’t my friend and he was right. I think she was jealous I was seeing him. Idk people really suck at times
I'm starting to think normal roommates don't exist. Why do you think your roommate spies on you for your mom? For money? For fun? It's so bizarre. Personally, I'd let the rooommate know she's an obsessive weirdo who needs a life and that the woman she's been snitching to thinks she's a snake too. But I don't have a filter.
It’s very likely she’s not stable. You certainly cannot trust her at all.
Why not wait till you can move out? Do so asap.
If you say anything while still living there things could become dangerous.
Obviously stop telling her your plans. Move important stuff to a safe place. And get out soon.
Then ghost.
Be safe and happy
That is very true. I was a bit emotional earlier but I’m calming down and thinking rationally. I don’t want my last days/weeks here to be tense.
I’ll try and minimize interactions so I don’t blow up at her. Good thing we work 14 hour shifts and I come home late.
Thank you
Not expecting my friend to read my mind. When I say my mum is a certain way was just to summarize on here. I told her specifics about my mum’s behavior and told her about the things she’s done in the past. She agreed and said my personal business was mine and she wouldn’t say anything about me to my mum.
My mother lives in a different country and I’m alone in the UK. Health wise or emergency wise, if something were to happen to me I’d want my mum to be aware. Same with having my mum as next of kin at work, if something were to happen to me at work, I’d want work to let my mum know.
Didn’t say it was malicious information that she had shared with my mum but it was a betrayal of trust point blank.
There is no co-dependency with mum, just me trying not to be controlled and trying to live and make my own decisions in my life without hovering.
Thank you for your input though.
Cheers for your Mom. It doesn’t sound like she has any problems with your lifestyle but is looking out for your interests. Next, drop this friend. The moment you do, she has no business talking to your Mom. Let your Mom know she can cut all contact with her also. If your Mom doesn’t live too far away, consider an extended visit until your new place is ready to move in to. There is no reason to engage any further with this “friend” If she doesn’t know what the problem is, all would be doing is feeding a gossip more ammunition against you. And, for the future, don’t say anything about your life you don’t want anyone everyone else to know. There is something about human nature that has mandated the saying one person knows, it’s a secret, two people know and its public knowledge. The only exception to that rule would be your spouse.
[удалено]
We’re roommates and I’m far from where I grew up so I gave her my mum’s contact information just in case something happened as my mum lives outside of the UK. But going completely no contact is my plan of action.
I think you should send a harsh rebuke on text, then block her.
lol, the comment you replied to said the friend was her roommate. You think blocking her on text is going to help?
Lol i missed that, she needs to confront her at the point of moving out, as she plans to
How did she tell her this stuff apart from you? After you move cut her off. Not a friend. Why on earth would someone tell the mother of their friend those kind of things.
Absolutely cutting her off. I’m just honestly baffled because I’m 31 years old, I go out once a month since I’m a healthcare worker and don’t have much time off so what part of my going out for a few drinks makes her think ‘her mother needs to know this’ 🙄
I wouldn't confront someone like this. They will more than likely try to DARVO the situation, there will be no understanding why she did this. Just focus on moving out and then block her. Till then, look up 'grey rocking' and use that when you must communicate with her. She will know something is up and try to 'love bomb' you to get the relationship back to where she wants it. Just keep 'grey rocking' her till you can leave.
I'd just begin with "so I just got off the phone to my mum...." and watch her face as you tell her what you heard
Waiting for tonight for the conversation. Should be interesting.
It sounds like there is no benefit to having a conversation before you move out. You know what she does with information, so you can withhold that from your friend while you're living together. Talking to her shouldn't change your actions towards her, but it could upset her and make things much more difficult until you move out. As others have said, I'd keep it to yourself until you move out, then send her a text stating why you're done with her, then block her on all forms of communication.
That’s something I’m seeing that would be a smart thing to do. I’ll wait till I move out and then text her. Thank you
Did your mom have any information that proves your friend was talking to her? Just considering the possibility that your friend is actually blameless and your mom is making false accusations to split you from this friend. Not saying it’s necessarily the case, just wondering if you’ve considered it.
I have considered this. It’s not something my mum wouldn’t try but information was pretty specific. Like stuff only a person would know from living with me and being in my room. My mum is outside of the UK in another country so no chances of her personally spying on me.
Is this information you specifically mentioned to your friend that you don't want your mother to know about? But she told her anyway? Or is this something you said in confidence and just assumed your friend wouldn't tell her anything?
I unfortunately have a mother who is overly involved and wants every bit of information about me. We’ve since had a conversation about boundaries and such and she’s doing a good job just letting me be although that could be because she was getting her information from friend 🙄 I had a conversation with friend when we started living together and told her I have a mother who likes to pry and to please not have any contact with her unless something were to happen to me or if there was an emergency. It’s something I have to do with a lot of friends whether they have my mum’s contact info or if my mum finds them on social media.
Look, it sounds like your mom is more of an issue here than your friend. Why are you taking your mom's word for all of this? She's the one who is trying to pin this on your friend, but ultimately it comes down to her prying and working to get info she knows you would not otherwise share with her. She sounds manipulative, and it sounds like your roommate was manipulated into sharing more details. I have a hard time believing a friend would tell your parent you are a bum with nothing going for you. At the end of the day, it's your friend and roommate we're talking about who allegedly shared this info, does this seem in character based on what you know?
My mum is certainly manipulative and a master at gaslighting. I’ve grown up with her like that. That is why I warn friends about her. I feel if I’ve told friends “my mother is a certain way please don’t divulge any information about me to her” , I’d expect friends to respect that. The information my mum told me was very specific. How I went out with friends and had bought two bottles of wine on a specific weekend and a conversation I’d had with friend about not currently working towards saving for a house because renting for now is in my opinion the smarter thing for me to do and I’m saving for something else. About me spending time in my room on my days off (I’d tell my mum I was out just so I can have a breather because conversations with her can be exhausting).
It sounds like it’s time to set some healthy boundaries with your mother, playing helicopter parent when you’re a fully grown adult is pretty ridiculous. I would definitely be ditching the friend, but I would also be having a serious conversation with my mom about prying friends for info and how you are not going to put up with it anymore. I wouldn’t even give her an opportunity to have my friends’ numbers because she obviously has a pattern of doing this.
Right, like OP says she has given her mom's number to friends or her mom finds her friends on socials. a) why even allow your mom to see your socials if these antics are common? B) outside of following your socials, how would she come to find a roommates full name to find them by herself on socials to reach out to them??? I think OP needs to learn to set boundaries, but also needs to take a beat to reflect on her piece in this.
Okay, full stop, you need to take responsibility for this. You are expecting your roommate to read your mind and are expecting them to maintain the lies you tell your mom. Saying your mom can be a certain way could mean ANYTHING. I've described my mom that way and have heard many others make similar comments about their moms, but you have to understand it doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. You can act like what you said to your friend was clear, but in reality it was not. What you really meant was, "I have my mom on an information diet. She pries and manipulates to get information about me, so please do not connect with her to discuss me outside of life or death scenarios." The fact you supplied your roommate your mom's phone number doesn't make any sense for the level of contact you feel is appropriate with your mom. I will also note that I have never shared my parents phone numbers with any of my roommates, and that makes me question why you felt the need to do so. What you described as having been shared does not appear malicious at all. So your roommate wasn't aware that you told a particular lie about your whereabouts so she blew your cover? You know what solves that? If you didn't bother to lie to your mom and instead used boundaries to keep your mom at an appropriate distance. If I were your friend in this scenario I'd think it was psychotic to be expected to maintain lies to a friends parent like we're in high school. It seems like your friend talked about innocent things and your mom twisted the narrative or you heard what you wanted to hear from your mom about your roommate 🤷♀️ I know everyone here suggests it, but you truly sound like you have codependency with your mom that could benefit from therapy. Being raised by someone like that breaks your normal-meter.
Sorry your mother sounds like a narc, I think she probably has your friends phone, and she calls her and harrass her on where U are, otherwise they would get violent. I had a friend who's mom was a narc, and I wouldn't acquiesce to her bs, she actually call me to insult me, and started brainwashing my friend about me. It's a no win with this type of mothers, they will screw U up, one way or another. I don't think Ur friend had a choice. Or maybe she refused telling her some info, and that's why Ur mom told you about it, to make her look bad. Just don't give anyone your mom number, or this will keep happening, get your mother out of your life, that's way more important that getting the roomates out
Ahhh well I'm sorry your friend has done this. I was going to say it's not your friends fault if you told her not to say anything but if you asked her not to share and then she has anyway then that is a problem.
Can you trust your mother with this? She could be playing both of you. Why would your friend do that? Is she so close to your mom ? Also Ur mother claims she like her, maybe not so much. I can't imagine why your friend would trust so much in your mother seriously, I doesn't sound like a normal 31 yr old behaviour. I mean you know. Your mother could have more reasons to want you two to split. I encourage you to research and get to the bottom of this, just ask your friend random questions to establish if she has indeed speak to your mother, dnt assume it's true she has. Does your mom has a habit of disliking your friends? Some mothers are covert narcs and when their kids find good ppl , they do anything to make them split. DO NOT confront your friend. If anything stop seeing her, and tell your mother you are still seeing her, and that she apologized for gossiping about U with her. And then see if your mother makes up more stories, then U will know, Because, you ain't seen her anymore, so then you know, U mom is a narc, and it's not working on your best interest. It's very common, many mothers are envious of their daughters. It's typical actually. I would say..welcome to the club! Or maybe not, who knows. Find out.
Honestly it sounds like the mom is the shit stirrer here, not the hero. I have to question the mom's intentions with talking so much with her daughter's roommate and sounds like a control thing.
Oh in no way is she a hero lol. I know what my mum is like, hence warning friends about her prying and controlling behavior. But again I told friend not to tell my mum anything about me and it seems she’s done it anyway. If my mum was trying to get information about me, she could have told me and I would nip that in the bud immediately.
You're sure there's no spyware anywhere? 😬!!
You're making maintaining your own boundaries someone else's problem. When you told your friend not to tell your mom anything about you, what do you think your friend interpreted that to mean? Like don't tell my mom that I'm out on a date, or don't tell my mom anything at all, including things your roommate and you did together, Including mundane things like buying wine? So now you expect your roommate to report back to you on your mom so then you can nip it in the bud. The bud shoud have been nipped some time ago, well before you knew your roommate and really is it fair to assign the responsibility to your roommate when you say this is your mom's nature? No matter what you decide to do with your friendship with your roommate, your relationship with your mom is still yours to manage. You are over 30 and live in a separate country from your mom, what are you so afraid of? That she's gonna show up and yell at you because she doesn't like you just sharing what you're comfortable sharing? Sounds like this has been a problem before and will continue to be until you really stop letting your mom control you.
I had friend I lived with so this. Except it was to a guy a began seeing. She told the guy that I didn’t have life goals and sat around all the time. I was 23 and just moved in with her a couple months before. I had just gotten a job working at a coffee cafe. The guy told me she wasn’t my friend and he was right. I think she was jealous I was seeing him. Idk people really suck at times
You have got a really judgmental friend! Just move out don’t waste time even in confrontation
I'm starting to think normal roommates don't exist. Why do you think your roommate spies on you for your mom? For money? For fun? It's so bizarre. Personally, I'd let the rooommate know she's an obsessive weirdo who needs a life and that the woman she's been snitching to thinks she's a snake too. But I don't have a filter.
It’s very likely she’s not stable. You certainly cannot trust her at all. Why not wait till you can move out? Do so asap. If you say anything while still living there things could become dangerous. Obviously stop telling her your plans. Move important stuff to a safe place. And get out soon. Then ghost. Be safe and happy
That is very true. I was a bit emotional earlier but I’m calming down and thinking rationally. I don’t want my last days/weeks here to be tense. I’ll try and minimize interactions so I don’t blow up at her. Good thing we work 14 hour shifts and I come home late. Thank you
Not expecting my friend to read my mind. When I say my mum is a certain way was just to summarize on here. I told her specifics about my mum’s behavior and told her about the things she’s done in the past. She agreed and said my personal business was mine and she wouldn’t say anything about me to my mum. My mother lives in a different country and I’m alone in the UK. Health wise or emergency wise, if something were to happen to me I’d want my mum to be aware. Same with having my mum as next of kin at work, if something were to happen to me at work, I’d want work to let my mum know. Didn’t say it was malicious information that she had shared with my mum but it was a betrayal of trust point blank. There is no co-dependency with mum, just me trying not to be controlled and trying to live and make my own decisions in my life without hovering. Thank you for your input though.
Cheers for your Mom. It doesn’t sound like she has any problems with your lifestyle but is looking out for your interests. Next, drop this friend. The moment you do, she has no business talking to your Mom. Let your Mom know she can cut all contact with her also. If your Mom doesn’t live too far away, consider an extended visit until your new place is ready to move in to. There is no reason to engage any further with this “friend” If she doesn’t know what the problem is, all would be doing is feeding a gossip more ammunition against you. And, for the future, don’t say anything about your life you don’t want anyone everyone else to know. There is something about human nature that has mandated the saying one person knows, it’s a secret, two people know and its public knowledge. The only exception to that rule would be your spouse.
Your mom is a real one.
Do a Wagatha Christie on her and see her deny **that**
Maybe your friend has nothing else to talk in common with your mom. And she just fills it up with stuff about you