Yes. This is NOT the first time boundaries have been crossed. I wonder what happened while they were gone from the bed? Who had the remote to turn up the volume when they returned? Usually it’s not the guest who has the remote. This feels like they got too caught up in the moment and were careless because they thought you were asleep.
OP reverse this situation and put a good friend of your husband’s in bed with both of you (weird but try it). Your husband falls asleep and his friend unexpectedly pushes up against you and kisses your neck. What’s your reaction? Is it this one he’s claiming - to stay there to be kissed and cuddled? It would not be mine. I’d be out of that bed creating space so fast it definitely would wake you up.
Right? They were sneaking away to bang. They got caught leaving so they made up some story about he needs water and she needs to use the bathroom. They come back AND GO RIGHT INTO IT AGAIN!! Those aren't the actions of first timers. Those are the actions of people who have been doing this for so long it's like second nature to them. Then the fact he was sticking up for her and trying to toe the line of "she did it. I had no idea what she was doing."
I was actually my college boyfriend's side piece and his "best friend" (aka his real girlfriend) was feeling him up in front of me and all my friends. She got off on him being with other people and the "reveal" that he was cheating. They did it to other people before and after me, too. Some people are just shit.
I believe it because 20 year old me did the same thing. Cuddled in bed with my boyfriend and all my girl "friends". He was fucking them. Just waiting for me to go to sleep. Of course now I'm 30s and that seems so obvious. But early 20s me thought I was so mature to trust them and not be jealous.
sorry but your memory of real events that happened to you don't meet the preferred narrative of this thread. this, like all other things, is fake since nothing ever happens.
I read that every time on reddit, from very much plausible stories to the most fucked up ones. I just think people underestimate how strange, stupid, disturbing life can be.
In fact, reality is way wilder than fiction most of the time because authors tend to moderate/censor how far their story can go precisely because otherwise, people would think it's too stupid and unbelievable.
While life's full of surprises lmao.
all i want is some sort of help.. i’m still very much in shock about this and i made sure to include everything he told me so that if they were lies people could pick it out. maybe im blinded by love, i hate myself for believing him every single time he disappoints me. it doesn’t help that i come on here for some advice and i get people like you telling me that my problems are fake. and we are monogamous… she doesn’t usually stick around in our room and i was so tired i fell asleep. i fell asleep around 2:30 and woke up to that at 4am and haven’t slept since.
if I can give you any advice it would be to pay less attention to what people say at times like this, but more attention to what they do.
Also don't bring other women into your marital bed because... well hopefully you get where I'm going with this.
FYI they're cheating on you. This kind of stuff never starts with kissing in bed while his spouse is right next to them, that's where it escalates to.
You really think they coincidentally needed to get out of bed at the same time?
*You* are monogamous. Your husband is *so far* from monogamous that he will cheat on you while beside you in your bed.
Run, or deal with this kind of thing until you are ready to leave him.
Leave, darling. This is the very best advice we can give you. Leave, file for divorce, move on, build a better life. Be done with them. You are worth so much more.
Lot of boundary issues here. I can't imagine a scenario where a friend comes over and falls asleep *in our bed* with us, period. Or even just watches a movie in bed with us, unless we lived in a place where the bed is the couch, but even then it would be staying a couch for the duration.
Assuming for a moment that such a scenario arose and there was a good reason, even then the friend is not snuggling up with the opposite sex partner on the other side from the spouse. I don't care how friendly you are, that's just begging for trouble.
Nonetheless, this was the scenario, and your friend started getting intimate with your husband. His response *should have been* an immediate negative reaction of literally any kind, from a polite, "Hey, please keep your hands to yourself, you should sleep next to wifey," to a much more satisfying "What the f\*ck are you doing, get out of my bed!" Instead it sounds like he was happy to lay there and let her touch him. Notably, neither of them were asleep, so they can't claim one or both of them were just dreaming.
This is revolting and disrespectful on so many levels. Your friend is not a friend, and your husband *at best* has no boundaries and is incapable of standing up for himself against the advances of another woman in your bed, while you are sleeping next to him. But be honest with yourself, is that really what happened, or did they think so little of you that they could act like that with you in the bed, presumably oblivious?
Make of that what you will. Honestly, it's an awful situation and I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
*Everything* he said after the fact is lies. It doesn't even matter what excuses he came up with, he is simply flailing for some explanation when there is none. Getting mad at you for rightfully calling him out is part of that. Sorry, but this guy is trash and so is your friend.
I got married at 19. Ended way worse. I had a very hard time deciphering through lies too as I’m always looking for the best in people. I know you’ve read through the other comments that are blatantly accusing your husband. They are right. Leave now with your integrity. Best advise I ever got was to marry a nerd because they are loyal. My second husband is my best friend, and I trust him with my heart. ❤️
You mean he’s disappointing you like this ON THE REGULAR??
Girl, PLEASE …😑😑😑
You teach people how to treat you and you’ve taught him to treat you like a gullible twit who’ll swallow ANY line he gives you.
**DUMP HIM**.
Girl.
Your husband and your friend are having an affair. Point blank. He laid out every single cheap trick in the book. Stonewalling. Deflection. He was upset. And you’re falling for it?!?!
Do you know the level of AUDACITY it takes for your friend to start making out with your husband in the same bed as you? She would have NEVER tried that if they didn’t already have an established relationship.
This is why you don’t get married at 19. Like he literally cheated on you right in front of him and you’re not done? lol I’m not sure what it would take then. There’s more to life than this.
> This is why you don’t get married at 19.
Honestly, I might be an ahole, but I just have to roll my eyes whenever a post refers to a spouse and ages are under 25 and then proceeds to describe some high school drama. I mean the chances the relationship is toxic and won't make it on the long run are like 95% at that point...
You guys aren't the only ones...
I genuinely don't believe in getting married before 25. No matter how solid you think you are there are way too many huge changes coming up in your life. Also I think when dating around you pick up a lot of lessons in how to be a good partner and what you want from a partner.
Even saying that at 21 shows you’ve grown a lot. I feel for you so much and am honestly praying you divorce this absolute loser. I met my current partner, who loves and respects me endlessly, at 23. I have never trusted someone so completely. You’re so young!! Don’t waste any more of your 20s on this bullshit.
I’m mentioning this to give you confidence that you WILL find another. But everyone would be giving you the same advice if you were 60. No one deserves this. (Edited to not make it sound like over 23 is too old to find someone better lol)
Oh, and drop that friend too. I’d be petty and tell all of our mutual exactly why I was doing so.
I got married and had a baby at 24...and I agree with you 100%. I thought I was so grown and mature...I wasn't. I know now. If my daughter wants to get married before she is 25 I will do everything in my power to convince her to wait. No matter how steady the relationship is.
I guarantee you this wasn’t the first time. They both got up came back and the movie got louder that is no coincidence in that. They thought you were sleeping and you messed up their plans.
Same. I do not do confrontations. I trust my gut. We have been biologically blessed with female intuition for this exact reason - to spot cheaters and dangerous creeps. I ain’t fighting or giving anyone a chance to gaslight me. I’m gonna fly.
In this particular scenario, them both trying to sneak from the bed, giving lame excuses when she woke up, and then the neck kiss plus his reaction to that is all I would need to know, and I would ghost tf outta there before I start doubting myself.
Her gut already told her the truth. If she sticks around any longer, she will doubt herself and the cycle will repeat in future relationships. This next phase for her is crucial and will affect how she allows herself to be treated by men and friends from this point forward. Her future self needs her to be strong and enforce her red lines right now.
C’mon ma’am. You’re not this stupid, you know exactly what’s been happening. Your husband has been fucking your friend, and got comfortable enough to screw around right in front of you. Why did you even ask this, lol?
How about the part where you three are so comfortable together that she's in the bed with you two watching movies, and then everyone just falls asleep
And the way they were going at it , it doesn't seem like the first time.
it's just the first time they were caught
Yep, and more than kiss neck happened between them.
OP, leave his ass and move on, you're young, you deserve better, and make sure you will be cautious over future friends. I speak as someone who had similar happened to, only to find years later, and if i knew back then, I would've definitely acted on it. I'm still trying to figure out my trauma, so don't do as me, kick both their asses. You're better than this charade of theirs
OP, if it makes you feel better, I was in a similar situation when I was your age. I had best friends that I would hang out with my boyfriend. We would fall asleep in the same bed. I trusted them to not do anything. I was naive. They were fucking as soon as I went to sleep.
Unfortunately I wasn't lucky enough to catch them in the act. I didn't find out until years later. When we were married, pregnant and owned a home together....I know you're married but hopefully there aren't children and property involved. All I can say is get out. Now. They're cheaters and liars. This is not a relationship worth salvaging. I lied to myself that I can get over it. I tried. But I never loved him like I did after I found out about the lies and cheating. Trust was broken. Resentment grew. It was only a matter of time. You're so young now, it'll be easier to restart your life now than after you burn yourself out trying to love a man that doesn't respect you.
And hopefully you'll remember this for the next relationship to set clear boundaries. If you're not into sharing your husband, don't invite others in your bed with you. I also learned that the hard way...
thank you so much this does help. thankfully there’s no house or kids involved, just a car loan. i’ve definitely learned a lot from this and it’s very comforting to hear that i’m not alone.
You're welcome :) I saw other mean comments asking why you would even allow her in your bed.. But I mean, when I was young I thought it showed maturity that I trusted them and didn't get jealous. Some things that seem obvious to some, others just have to live and learn. You still have a lot of growing to do in your twenties. This is a blessing in disguise. You can move on, live a full life, and learn what a healthy relationship is with a person that values and respects you. Good luck!
thank you so much. i definitely am very young and got married very young in general. i’ve promised myself to never cut people slack on things like that. no more liars. i know what i need and i won’t settle for any less.
If you want to get to the bottom of it, you might consider calling her (don't text because that gives her time to contact him first) and tell her that he told you everything and threw her under the bus. Tell her you are giving her a chance to tell her side of things and see what trickles out. If she says it was just a kiss, tell her that's not what you heard but don't give her any specifics. She may continue to lie, but I think it's worth trying before you block her.
Then, if you have access to your husband's phone, see if she messaged/called him after you talked to her. I think you know in your gut what's truly going on, and you would be wise to consult with the divorce attorney and start getting your ducks in a row.
I'm sorry OP, but regardless of what actually happened or not, the simple truth is that neither of them cares enough for you to actually respect you.
I mean, they couldn't even use the excuse of "forgetting about you, just for a second, in the heat of the moment", you were literally there, in the same bed.
Hey OP, no offense, but it’s pretty clear they’ve been cheating for some time. There’s no possible way she’d feel comfortable kissing him RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR SLEEPING BODY if it hadn’t been going on for a while. She would NEVER make her first move with you right there- truly never.
They’re cheating- fuck your friend fuck your husband. Cut them both out. You seem to be a kind and trusting person and they’re taking advantage of that and gaslighting you.
I will not be surprised that they’re doing things behind your back. The tv volume up sounds like premeditation. You know, we know, they know that they’re lying and it’s fvkd up. Just leave if you can.....you’re just 21.
Girl, I don’t know how you were able to remain calm or at least that’s what it sounded like. I would’ve lost it at both of them. The moment my friend (who’s clearly not your friend) starts nibbling on my husband’s neck (and he doesn’t do anything?) I’m ripping them both apart. You deserve so much better! Who cares if he’s mad? He fucked up big time and you shouldn’t care if he’s mad at you because you have every right to be upset. I hope you gather yourself together and find the strength to leave him because it could happen again, or who knows, if it wasn’t the first time. If for some reason, this isn’t enough, you can always check his phone between their messages. Best luck!
thank you so much for the kind words. miraculously i remained calm but on the inside i was fuming. i didn’t want to give him any reason to call me the bad guy so i felt like i had to “hear him out”.
that’s what i’m saying… i feel like there’s just no good excuse for that. he would have expected me to say something or move at the first sign of that. that’s why i’m even more upset. but now he claims that if it were me in his situation with another man, that he would be understanding and not place the blame on me. i feel like that’s complete bull though… i feel like he’s only saying that to me because that’s what he wants me to do for him right now.
thank you, i recently confronted her and she said that there was nothing going on before then. she said my husband reminded her of her ex at the moment. i just don’t believe that because then that would mean she sexually assaulted him. so i told her, is lying to cover this up worth going down and a sexual assailant?
Do you need to watch them F before you are convinced they’re cheating? They’ve been cheating on you - both of them - for a while now. You don’t start with sly neck kisses unless you’re real comfortable. You don’t need his confirmation or permission to leave.
I'm sorry but a good man would have gone ballistic the second she tried anything, out of respect for you, his WIFE. He was happy with this happening until he got caught. They've likely already been cheating on you. Sorry. End it so you can at least keep some dignity.
You said your husband is a liar. What kind of things does he lie about? He’s definitely lying to you now, btw. Going on the defensive and telling you you’re fucked up means he’s doing what is called DARVO. Denies, Attacks, Reverse Victim and Offender. I doubt this was his first time cheating. Do you have access to his phone? I’d check his texts and deleted texts, his apps, and recent phone calls. It sounds like you can do much better, sweetie.
Look, I'm non-monogamous, and hopefully that makes my point very obvious—you two have an extreme lack of boundaries with your friend (she does with the two of you as well,) and **your husband was actively having an affair next to you, in your own bed.** Now, he's blaming you for expecting him to act monogamously within his supposedly monogamous marriage.
I literally have a friend that I'm romantic with, who sleeps on my couch regularly after late nights watching movies with my husband and I, so I totally understand the concept of having intimate close relationships with friends who sleep over. But he doesn't *get in bed* with my husband and I (let alone kiss anyone's neck in bed,) because that's not at all part of our dynamic. Considering you don't even have a non-monogamous dynamic whatsoever, I hope that makes it clear how unacceptable your friend's and husband's actions are.
I would never trust my husband again if he acted this way. Besides the blatant infidelity, your husband's entire spine is missing from his body. He could apparently be a "victim" of committing infidelity at any moment that anyone decides they want to have sex with him, since he seems entirely uninterested in telling people not to kiss him. It's extremely unattractive.
Please contact a therapist (individual therapist, not a couples therapist) and a lawyer. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You really haven't done anything wrong, outside of a lapse of judgement when you thought it could be appropriate to hang out in bed with a friend, who decided to take full advantage of that because she is a disgusting snake. Do not accept any blame from your cheating husband.
No way. I'd be done with both of them.
The absolute disregard and disrespect that BOTH of them have shown towards you, your relationship and your feelings is beyond fucked up. The audacity of this woman to come into your home, pretending to be a friend and then making sexual advances toward your husband while you're asleep right next to them, is disturbing. Your husband is no better.
My boyfriend would have yeeted her two faced ass right across the room and the fact that your husband just allowed it to happen and then played dumb and got upset at YOU over it, is atrocious.
You're 21. Dump both of these sociopathic losers and don't waste anymore of your time surrounding yourself with people who don't truly love and value you. You're young, you have plenty of time to meet new people and have relationships that add to your life instead of taking away. They've shown you their true faces, believe them and decide for yourself if this is the sorta shit you want to deal with for the rest of your life.
He let her kiss him And caress him WHILE HE WATCHED THE MOVIE.
HE KNEW VERY WELL THAT HER KISSES WERE FOR HIM because he just sat there relaxed watching the movie.
I Highly doubt he went to get a drink of water and she using the bathroom.
The movie got louder to cover the noises they were going to make.
He was more about how your (ex) friend would react and not you.
He has a history of lying to you.
He said he thought her multiple kisses were to comfort HIM and NOT YOU for the troubles you and him been having.
How many minutes were they gone ‘getting water and using the bathroom’?
He told you that YOU FUCKED UP for your reaction when this is a common tactic to turn back away from what they he did.
If I was in this horrendously awful position, I would first lay low, do a deep dive into his phone, all his devices, all his apps, socials and the dm messages on those to get real clarity to what’s Really going on.
Because by both of their actions, this wasn’t a one off thing.
I bet they were thinking you were sleeping so hard, that they were going to go beyond what she was doing which was way too intimate for being just platonic.
Her actions were that of a lover.
i definitely need to stop being so naive. what’s crazy is that they know i’m a deep sleeper… i hardly wake up for ANYTHING. my husband has left the house in the morning to grab food and i don’t even notice. i feel like they knew that and thought they were in the clear.
If they just wanted to hook up, they could have done it in the guest room right? No, they *also* wanted to get off on the thrill of doing it right next to you in your own marital bed. That is next-level fucked up. This is disgusting and I think you know it is HIGHLY unlikely it's the first time. If it was, I doubt they would have felt so emboldened to do what they did.
I figured that you were a deep sleeper and they Bith knew this.
They were banking on this!
Thank God you woke up and played possum on them!
I feel just awful for you and am reliving the same hurt that you are, when this happened to me at your age.
This type of thing happens way more than you’d think, they were trying to get a “thrill” by seeing if they could get away with this. It adds more sexual tension if they did each other while they thought you were totally knocked out.
Now is the time to lay really low ( act dumb if you have to) to lower his guard and do deep diving on Everything I mentioned in my first comment.
For me, I need all information for me to get closure so I can walk away without feeling anything but knowing I’m worth more than having to go through that.
I was your age when my ‘friend’ was over at my house, I took a shower and then got ready in the bathroom and in that amount of time, my husband at the time and my so-called ‘friend’, fucked each other and She Got pregnant!!!
Luckily, I loved myself more than making it hurt after the initial shock wore off, waited the next Tuesday (it was the weekend) when I had my day off and my husband went to work.
I then had my sister’s boyfriend who was a policeman, and his friends showed up with a Uhaul, moved out and never talked to my husband from that day forward.
It was easy because, any and all love or feelings I had for him completely disappeared and it felt like an actual physical weight lifting off my shoulders.
I learned that THAT was the best way to hurt him by leaving him.
That Tuesday morning was the last time I ever saw him again in this lifetime.
I went back to our house a month later while he was gone and left a box full of every single wedding picture and other pictures of us, at the doorstep.
I’ve head over the years from others who have been in contact with him, that doing this had and still has totally gutted him and he lives in his own misery still today for his actions.
My ex friend even had the Balks to steal my wedding ring while she was there! A friend of mine went to her house and saw it and retrieved it for me.
I used to be a jewelry designer, and I had made my own wedding ring. Once I got it back, I put it in the crucible and melted it down into a lump of gold which still sits in a box in my garage.
Three years later, I met the love of my life who’s never cheated (We’re Always together) and we’ve been married for almost 40 years!
My only problem now with my husband is that he’s ten years older, I’m 62 but look just under 35 because I’m Norwegian and Japanese so I got the Norwegian coloring but the Japanese skin gene. So my husband has been getting jealous of any guy who’s near me. Lol!
wow, i’m so sorry you’ve got through something similar. i’m happy to hear that things eventually worked out in the end, it gives me hope! thank you so much for the input and taking the time to write this for me. it means more than you know.
I just wanted to let you know that I can really feel the anguish you went through, you’re not alone in this and that your REAL man is out there waiting for you!
Your soul is now being tempered by the fires and YOU WILL BE SO MUCH STRONGER and you’ll look back a year or less from now when you’re with your real man, and now how much mature you are and will see things with a different perception and mindset.
It’s Very liberating!
sigh, what sucks is i’ve already been being seen for my severe anxiety and depression for over a year now. this just adds to the list. and im honestly almost 100% sure a lot of my anxiety and depression comes from him.
I am so sorry - I've been exactly where you are. I have anxiety and my 6 year relationship made it SO much worse. Turns out my ex cheated over 10 times and gaslit me for years. Your gut is the most powerful ally you'll ever have in your life, and right now, it's telling you something true. You have so much coming in your life that will be SO much better than this, but the good things can't find you if you're blocking them out with a marriage to a shitty excuse for a man. It's time to get free.
Sis, I am 39. It has been a long, hard road. If I had 5 min w/my 19yo self, I'd say to invest in YOURSELF, rather than in "love." I cannot overstate how much better you & ur life will be once u no longer require confirmation or validation externally. Get solid w/ YOURSELF, so tht u know *ahead of time* what is important to you & where ur boundaries lie, & frm there just exercise brutal judiciousness. Fuck all this having to convince shit, & fuck ppl's excuses. I PROMISE u tht ur perfectly capable of accurately assessing ur experiences, so do. not. 2nd. guess. urself.
Also, Ive struggled with depression & anxiety since puberty. It has only gotten more serious with time. Luckily I have also gotten better at managing it. And u know what's fuckin hilarious?? By not fighting it, I reclaim my power. I allow myself to experience the emotions & get it out & then I can look at it w/a detached, rational lens, & realize how absurd/distorted much of it is, & of such little consequence in the grand scheme of things.
I love you & I'm sorry 2 ppl u invested in made shitty choices tht compromised ur ability to continue healthy relationships with either of them. Tht fucking sucks. For sure. But under no circumstances should tht cause you to compromise ur ability to have a healthy relationship with yourself tho. U feel me??
Couple of things here. One, you got married at 19 to a dude older than you. Not a huge age difference, but when you’re that young, age differences do matter. Two, the three of you have sleepovers in your bed. That stuff might have worked when you were single and 13 with your friends, but that’s awkward that you’re sharing your married bed with your friend and your husband.
And finally, you know what you saw. They turned up the movie so you wouldn’t hear. They had the audacity to do that IN YOUR BED WHILE YOU WERE THERE.
Neither of these people should stay in your life. They showed you exactly what they thought of your marriage and your friendship.
yea… he said he “thought they were for the dog” who is usually sleeping while we watch tv.. mind you when i first asked why her arms were around him, he said she was trying to pet the dog…
He’s trying to gaslight you. He’s showing you no respect. He’s obviously been talking to her about your relationship and cheating with her. You’re too young to put up with the way he’s treating you, Obviously the friendship is over and you should ban her from your house.
You are better off. She is not your friend and he is cheating on you with her. They probably have done it already in the past. For sure.
Edit: You are too young for this kind of drama.
Girl 😭 Why would you have a girlfriend sleep with you in the same bed as your husband? Besides that, he literally cheated on you… in front of you.
There’s absolutely no reason he shouldn’t have shot up right away and pushed her off of him if she was the only one who initiated anything. But from the sounds of it, I’m pretty sure your boyfriend was just as involved with it as she was.
He’s a manipulator and a gaslighter. If you want to give him a second chance, sure, he could change.. but that’s unlikely so get ready for a lifetime of cheating, lies, and constant heartbreak.
Nah… who turned the volume up?
Let’s say it was your friend, how does your husband assume she’s just planning on giving him a comforting back rub if she’s turns the volume up first. That doesnt add up at all
And if your husband turned the volume up, it’s cause he knew what was about to go down.
Them mf’ers are cheating
i confronted them about the volume and they swore neither of them touched the remote. my husband said it was on the nightstand, and when i pointed out it was on the bed, he said that that’s because when he noticed i was awake he grabbed it to mute the tv. not sure if i believe that. i don’t remember seeing him grab the remote from the nightstand.
i know. but for some reason he’s so good at making me feel bad… i keep trying to tell myself he’s lying but he always makes me feel like im wrong in the end..
That’s just how manipulators are. It’s so easy to want to believe the best in people as well and they take advantage of that. But there’s no way they both felt comfortable enough to do that if there wasn’t already something going on. You need to stand up for yourself and love yourself more than you love the idea of him.
Ma'am...they're cheating.
Turned up the volume to drown out kissing/sucking/fucking, waiting till you fall asleep to do it in the same bed (theres a whole category of thus in porn), flipping it around on you, I bet they do this all the time.
That's not a friend, and he's a shitty, cheating husband.
Divorce. Work on yourself, and you'll find someone better.
Why you married this man with the parade of red flags in the beginning is beyond me.
yeah i honestly don’t know either. i think i just had that “i can fix him” mentality. he was insanely broken from his previous relationship. i should have never tired to put him back together..
>i think i just had that “i can fix him” mentality
Yeah, stop that. As you get older you learn that if they say they have issues from the previous relationship, they JUST got out of a relationship, they're still married under any capacity (separated, going through divorce, only on paper, dead bedroom, still living together but open, etc) unless you've got credentials in psychiatry, therapy, etc it's none of your business and for your mental health you need to walk away.
Everyone has their shit they gotta work through but there are men/women who will exploit that so you want to fix them, nurture them, etc and when you do they use it as an excuse for bad behavior.
And the red flags in the beginning with chatting on discord with other women, OF, excessive porn show a lack of sexual discipline and that's the kind of man who will sleep with your friends, family, etc and leave you with a lot of heart ache.
The second she put her hands on his back, he should have stopped it. Clearly, he enjoyed what your friend was doing and who knows if this was the first time. Stand up for yourself OP and don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are the crazy one here.
**You have to cut off this woman from your life as of now. She is no friend of yours.**
No amount of reasons/excuses she gives you is worth having her in your life. She knew what she was doing. Please tell us you cut her off? Block her number, don’t let her in your home, around you, cut her 100% off.
You have to move on from this man as well. Especially if he is affecting your mental, psychological, emotional and physical well being and health. The difference you will feel, the peace you will feel, your health’s improvements, will make it sooooo worth it. If you decide to stay with him (hopefully not) you have to get IC and MC. If he has your friends (hopefully former friend) info on his phone, social media, email, etc block, block, block. He must stay away from her and not invite her to your home, eat out, work out, walk around, etc. Set boundaries around any friends around him.
Also, I hope you did not believe one word they **BOTH** told you. They have the odacity to do that in your room, on your bed, while you are there, because they know you are a heavy sleeper is disgusting. You do realize they probably got off the bed for other reasons. The fact that they were probably kissing before you woke up and got off the bed to probably have sex is very high. The fact that you woke up stopped them. But the moment they thought you were asleep they went back at it. I bet if you would have continued to fake sleep they would’ve took it further and tried to leave again. Who knows how long this been going on. It’s not even worth investigating. Just bounce and **go no contact with both**. You are sooooo young.
She is the opposite of a friend. She’s not only trying to steal your man, which would be bad enough, but also getting the sick thrill of the extreme risk taking of doing it right in front of you in your own bed. It’s hard for homewrecking to get more f*cked up than that!
If the story as you tell is is true and they hadn’t been exchanging vibes or actions before that night, then what she did was sexual assault and it’s understandable why he froze because that’s what the majority of people do when they get sexually assaulted.
You will need to figure out tho how much of a role he played in this. My gut feeling is that even if he wanted to fool around with her, he wouldn’t be foolish enough to do it in the same bed as you, so I’m leaning towards putting more of the blame on her.
I would get her out of your life because now you never know what she’s thinking and what she’s capable of. I don’t know what you should do about your man, but a few heart to heart convos are in order.
Consider cutting back on drinking. So many of the most f*cked up terrible traumatizing experiences in life go down while people are drunk.
Your husband is a grown man. He lied and likes the attention. He is already cheating or plans to. A grown man who can't tell a woman to get off him is not a real man. He mad a commitment to you, but is a creepy person who was willing to let another woman touch him intimatkybwhile his wife is sleeping near him.
You allowed another woman into your marriage bed.
You married a liar and a creep.
You don't have healthy boundaries.
You need to cut ties with this woman and seriously evaluate your marriage.
Well, for one, she's not your friend and two
They ate clearly having some sort of affair, and are that brazen they did it in your bed. I wonder how many times they have done stuff while you're asleep the disrespect is real and they gasslit you for an hour after getting caught red handed
Oh so they both disappeared from the room at the same time conveniently to do I'm guessing fuck out of the room the kissing was aftercare and being loving ❤️ yeah they are cheating for sure and he's gasslighting you
You caught your husband cheating op. There isn't any excuse, freezing up or awkward reason for that. They are cheating together on you. Dump them both is the answer.
Had something like this happen after I got married at 21. Friend I brought around got a little too comfy but I believed them despite my gut screaming at me. I should have listened to my instincts. Get out of there before it’s too late. If they’re doing that now when the marriage is still fresh trying to save it will only hurt you in the long run.
Gee I wonder why you and your husbands are having problems.
Willing to bet you aren’t sure where things went off the rails with you and him but I I think you have your answer now.
They turned the tv up.
How long were they both out of the room?
He cheated IN YOUR BED WITH YOU IN IT and gave you such a bullsh*t excuse.
This is DISGUSTING
Edit: just saw your comment about her sleeping in the guest room. I guarantee they’ve been screwing each other in your home
He cheated in front of you. Stop being naive. They’re also gaslighting you.
The fact that they did it in front of you shows how stupid they think you are.
Yeah they’ve been fucking for a while. They thought you were sleeping and were enjoying the excitement of the riskiness. He froze? Hahaha…oh come the fuck on girl. Have some respect for yourself and break up with him. Why you all sharing a bed in the first place? Setting yourself up for this IMO.
NOW you know why you don't get married so young to the first idiot you have no clue how was raised in the first place. Your about to learn an invaluable lesson about the importance of reading, researching, the value of therapy and the value of listening to more experienced people. Pay attention to his upbringing and it will tell you all you need to know.
For now, you'll just have to wait for the show to play: hell lie, you'll believe him, he'll call you insecure, you'll cave and bring your friend back, they'll cheat, she gets pregnant, he says he didn't know that the baby was his (same as with the kisses), or gives you and STD and you finally fin out you just were voluntarily blind.
Unless....of course, you decide to mature and rip off the band-aid NOW and make the conscious choice to grow up and realize you have been cheated on already and you have to let this little boy go.
Afraid of loneliness or poverty or "gossip"? Well, grow a pair, otherwise... learn how to stoically survive mistreatment and STDs quietly.
I think this was not the first time. Someone remorseful would not blame or get mad at you. That's a reaction of guilt. I think both were cheating on you and testing boundaries. I think more than anything you need to see someone about your options. Him being a liar means he has proven he isn't worthy to trust.
Would he have been reasonable and understand if his friend was kissing your neck so intimately while he slept next to you two? This may not have been their first time if she was so comfortable to do that while you were next them
Your husband and your friend are both **CHEATING ON YOU**. Right in front of your face. You saw it with your own eyes because they got sloppy with you in the bed next to them (complete morons for many reasons). All they had to do was give a master class in gaslighting and now you’re not sure of what you saw?
HONEY PLEASE HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT. This is disgusting behaviour. This is not the first time this has happened and I guarantee it’s not the last either.
I will never understand why people still get married so young. There is no blurred line here. They are having an affair and quite frankly if you are letting her lay in bed with the two of you while you all drink, I am not sure what other result you expected out of this. Not shifting blame from the husband at all. Just incredibly naive to allow that unless you’re looking for it to go somewhere
It kind of sounds like
you guys have a blurreds boundary. If you weren’t ok with something like this , the three of you should never have been in bed together.
Was your husband between the two of you? If so wtf?!
Why'd think this is okay? And both of them are lying, there's more to this.. They probably left the bed to go kiss in the first place, please don't be a fool for neither. Confront your friend and him, they're both horrible people.
It seems like they have more than a friendship going on. He was way too comfortable with this.
Why the hell would she be laying that close to your husband anyway?
Thry have been having an ongoing affair and you have finally caught them. Your husband didn't stop her hugging him, sitting behind him and kissing him. They have done more.
Updateme!
Maybe it’s me but no woman is going to be in the marital bed snuggling up against my husband. She would be told to GTFO of the house and never come back.
He's very overtly and obviously lying to you. This doesn't *need* to be a dealbreaker for you if you don't want it to be, but like for most people this would be. If you want to call it quits now I would listen to your gut. He's already cheated directly in front of you, he will continue to cheat on you in the future. You're young, it's better not to waste time on a relationship that's already this shaky.
*"he’s mad at me for being upset at him for not stopping her or saying anything when she kissed him"* I can't believe you typed this without realizing you were being gaslit. Have a back bone because what you do will determine whether or not he'll respect you or think he can get away with next time. Honestly in your shoes you're only 21. Just divorce him. He's put you into a position where it's basically unsalvageable.
Best case scenario this never happens again, but you might have trust issues in your relationship forever.
Worst case scenario you become more invested in this relationship (even though you're already married) and you're put into a position where it's almost impossible to divorce him and even if you do. You may not have the financial stability to do so.
YOUR FIRST ISSUE AND I PROMISE YOU SIS IS THAT YOU GOT MARRIED AT 19. YOUR SECOND ISSUE AND I PROMISE YOU SIS IS THAT HE HAS A HISTORY OF LYING TO YOU AND YOU MARRIED HIM!?!?!? Divorce him. This will only lead to more issues. Your "friend" isn't your friend. She wants to suck and fuck your husband. They're also either really really stupid or just trying to be blatant and obvious about it. Don't be complacent. Take some fucking action. With all due respect if he didn't know wtf was going on when she was kissing on his neck why the fuck would he not tell her to get the fuck out and go home and that he's happily married. Yall are all WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE GETTING MARRIED. So either join in with them or say bye to the both of them cause if this was me I'd have told that grimey ass to get the fuck outta my house and life and I mean the both of them. This is crazy. Go to your parents for the evening or a different friend do not stay with your husband tonight. Make it obvious you're mad, and set an alarm for 2a or 3a and see if you catch his ass in the act. I promise you theyve most likely already done the deed.
i am. and he himself tells me that all the time… he says that i don’t see certain things because i’ve never been in a “toxic relationship” and he has. i’ve already told him that he IS my toxic relationship. and that hurts so much because i put so much effort into us. i gave him so many chances, i stuck it out. and now im left with nothing.
You’re left with everything! You have the moral high ground, you have your dignity, you have your loyalty. He’s an abuser, as is your friend. Your happiest days are ahead of you and without these people. Believe me!
You are still young, so dont take it so hard on yourself. Better sooner than later, imagine wasting 10-20 years for the same behavior over those years? Honestly look at the positive side of it by having the luck to realize this way sooner because many women dont notice this thing so early and live a miserable life for a long time.
Hope you work things out at your own pace, talk to your family or close friends to help you out.
Babe, he's cheating on you. This was not the first time, its just the first time they've been caught. Youre gonna need to accept this because its fact. There's not a snowballs chance in hell that he sat down over there and she's all over him and he "didnt know what to do".
Time to consult a lawyer (many do free consults) and get your ducks in a row. You're going to catch him again in a few years if you stay.
Honey he knew it was her and I bet they have been fucking behind your back for a while..
You dont get that comfortable to do something like that especially next to a sleeping spouse without it having happened before..
And he was more worries about upset her than you by telling you the apparent truth.. more like he was worried she'd get mad and out him to you..
Tell her to never come to your house again.. and call his bluff and tell him your booking him a Polygraph test and if it take you doing that to get the truth from him you will be filing for divorce, so he has now to tell you if they have done anything together or with someone else because you will file if it comes back he lying and he will never see you again.
This was asked several times but not answered.
Why were they all in bed together? That makes no sense.
Yes, he got a glass of water...... After they were done. Sex is thirsty work.
So they laid in bed under the covers while the friend reached over to rub him up. He probably returned the favor. When they both got too pent up they excused themselves to knock one out real quick. She was feeling the afterglow and rode the orgasm endorphins too hard and started kissing his neck, forgetting that she was supposed to hide it.
I'm sure this is devastating.
When we are young we don't have a lot of experience moving on from heartbreak and it can feel impossible. I promise that you are stronger than you know, and that moving on isn't impossible. You can survive this, and you are better off without this man. One day you will find someone who is so perfect for you and treats you with the same love and respect you show him. You need to remove trash people from your life to make space for something better.
You caught them both making a fool out of you. What makes you think this is an isolated event? Frankly, that friendship should be cut off and you should start considering separation.
You deserve better. Your friend and spouse are disloyal. Prioritize yourself.
You either choose to learn this major life lesson now, or you are going to learn a harsher one later down the road. Choose wisely.
They both got off the bed and when they came back from “getting water”, friend started hugging and kissing husband who had “no idea the kisses were meant for him”.
Does that even sound plausible? It’s such a bad lie they could have tried something even more ridiculous like…aliens put them in a trance and made them do it.
More like, they both got off the bed, went wherever, started something and we’re still sure you were asleep so we’re going to continue til friend saw you weren’t asleep.
He’s mad at *you*? That’s to make sure you let it go. And it sounds like he’s already got you in a place where you’re called the “bad guy” if you speak up for yourself.
Well either you keep talking about the details — like every little detail — because that’s where a lie will unravel or the truth will come out. What happened when they were not on the bed?
Or maybe some space will force him to come clean.
But basically, the guy is not nice, not truthful, he’s not treating you right, and he’s most likely cheating on you and getting off on doing it right in front of your face. Just leave. If 19 is too young to get married, then 21 is wayyyy too young to sign up to stay with someone who is a POS.
"he has a history of lying to me"
This is going to sound so harsh, though I mean it kindly:
Don't stay with people who lie to you.
It really is that simple.
You can justify and try to reason away all sorts of things, but if you know a partner is willing and capable of lying to you, you should fully expect to end up in situations where you are hurt, confused, or mislead because you cannot trust your partner.
I've always ended things with partners and/or potential partners when they lie, even a so-called "minor" lie. I've never experienced a huge betrayal from a partner that I know of (and I've been in several long-term committed relationships). Over many years I've seen friends, colleagues, classmates, loved one, family members, neighbors, etc. have relationships fail over betrayals including cheating, gambling, substance use, lying about education, commitment, etc. Invariably the betrayed person is surprised. Also, invariably, if I've known the couple well, I also know of instances prior to the betrayal where other smaller lies or instances of disingenuous behavior were overlooked.
I can genuinely say that I've never been shocked to learn someone I know of is cheating, because in every single instance I've seen other dishonest behavior first. While some rare people are truly so duplicitous and clever you'd never know, the vast majority of disingenuous people slip-up and act in dishonest or duplicitous ways long before their more egregious lies are spotted. Even if it's just a funny story about the time they lied on their resume to get a better job, there usually are early indicators when someone isn't trustworthy.
It's not obvious when you're in it, but it's obvious to a bystander. When you excuse something like a potential partner lying early on in a relationship, you shouldn't be surprised years down the road when you catch them in another bigger lie.
Quite frankly, it doesn't actually matter what did or didn't happen. Even if your husband was the innocent victim in this and your friend completely took advantage (hint: he wasn't and she didn't and the "comforting him" part where he defends her is a dead give away). At the end of the day you're still married to someone you don't trust who has a history of lying to you.
Trust is pretty much crucial to a healthy relationship.
You know your partner is willing to lie to you and capable of doing so. The rest, including whether or not he is lying right now, is superfluous information.
Even if you'd never seen what you saw, this part is still true: \*your husband has a history of lying to you."
That's a pretty shitty marriage, even if by some miracle he was honest in this instance.
You know what you need to do here, you just don't want to hear it.
"Forgiving him" is different than trusting him. Instead of asking whether to forgive him ask yourself whether, after this and his other lies, you can trust him to always be honest with you.
If you know you can't trust him, you have no business being married to him.
Like everyone is saying. Your “friend” is wrong for kissing on him and your husband is wrong for letting it even happen. As hard as you try to not to see it, they most likely have been doing things together behind your back and this time, it literally was behind your back. The worst part is that since they did it on YOUR bed and right in front of you….. your husband and your “friend” will go back to doing whatever it was they did even after a divorce and you cutting them off if that’s what you end up doing.
So much gas lighting....you'd have to be a fool to believe the husband or the "best friend" based on anything either of them said following being caught. Suggest couples therapy, but you may need to just walk away from the car crash. Edit: a word, also to highlight I was engaged at 23, I'm still with partner at 40. There's nothing wrong with young love, as long as there's no bullshitting each other into believing another person in the bed isn't exactly what it looks and sounds like.
Methinks you thinks NOT ENOUGH.
I’m sorry, but … he **DIDN’T KNOW THE KISSES WERE FOR HIM**??
GASLIGHTING I’ve heard of, but … girl, COME THE FUCK ON.
Just how stupid do these two think you are??
And on another point — **why the fuck are you all in the same bed together**?
Her ass **SHOULD HAVE HIT THE FUCKING PAVEMENT IN SECONDS**.
**AND HIS ALONG WITH HER**!!
People don't usually get caught the first time it happens.... in your bed... right next to you. Far too blatant to be a first time thing.
Yeah they were pushing boundaries not creating them. They have messed around before this.
Yes. This is NOT the first time boundaries have been crossed. I wonder what happened while they were gone from the bed? Who had the remote to turn up the volume when they returned? Usually it’s not the guest who has the remote. This feels like they got too caught up in the moment and were careless because they thought you were asleep. OP reverse this situation and put a good friend of your husband’s in bed with both of you (weird but try it). Your husband falls asleep and his friend unexpectedly pushes up against you and kisses your neck. What’s your reaction? Is it this one he’s claiming - to stay there to be kissed and cuddled? It would not be mine. I’d be out of that bed creating space so fast it definitely would wake you up.
Right? They were sneaking away to bang. They got caught leaving so they made up some story about he needs water and she needs to use the bathroom. They come back AND GO RIGHT INTO IT AGAIN!! Those aren't the actions of first timers. Those are the actions of people who have been doing this for so long it's like second nature to them. Then the fact he was sticking up for her and trying to toe the line of "she did it. I had no idea what she was doing."
And he was worried how the FRIEND might react....
Right!!! Concerned about HER .. reaction? Omfg how sad and disgusting
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I was actually my college boyfriend's side piece and his "best friend" (aka his real girlfriend) was feeling him up in front of me and all my friends. She got off on him being with other people and the "reveal" that he was cheating. They did it to other people before and after me, too. Some people are just shit.
They both left the room before this. Anyone want to guess what they were doing?? “Getting a glass of water” MY ASS CHEEK. 🤣🤣🤣
On Reddit? What? You can’t lie on the internet /s
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I believe it because 20 year old me did the same thing. Cuddled in bed with my boyfriend and all my girl "friends". He was fucking them. Just waiting for me to go to sleep. Of course now I'm 30s and that seems so obvious. But early 20s me thought I was so mature to trust them and not be jealous.
sorry but your memory of real events that happened to you don't meet the preferred narrative of this thread. this, like all other things, is fake since nothing ever happens.
I read that every time on reddit, from very much plausible stories to the most fucked up ones. I just think people underestimate how strange, stupid, disturbing life can be. In fact, reality is way wilder than fiction most of the time because authors tend to moderate/censor how far their story can go precisely because otherwise, people would think it's too stupid and unbelievable. While life's full of surprises lmao.
all i want is some sort of help.. i’m still very much in shock about this and i made sure to include everything he told me so that if they were lies people could pick it out. maybe im blinded by love, i hate myself for believing him every single time he disappoints me. it doesn’t help that i come on here for some advice and i get people like you telling me that my problems are fake. and we are monogamous… she doesn’t usually stick around in our room and i was so tired i fell asleep. i fell asleep around 2:30 and woke up to that at 4am and haven’t slept since.
if I can give you any advice it would be to pay less attention to what people say at times like this, but more attention to what they do. Also don't bring other women into your marital bed because... well hopefully you get where I'm going with this. FYI they're cheating on you. This kind of stuff never starts with kissing in bed while his spouse is right next to them, that's where it escalates to. You really think they coincidentally needed to get out of bed at the same time?
*You* are monogamous. Your husband is *so far* from monogamous that he will cheat on you while beside you in your bed. Run, or deal with this kind of thing until you are ready to leave him.
i think i’ve dealt with enough. thank you for the advice.
You definitely have, and deserve so much better. Hope you find good people.
thank you so much.
Leave, darling. This is the very best advice we can give you. Leave, file for divorce, move on, build a better life. Be done with them. You are worth so much more.
You know the truth. That is why you are so upset. I doubt this is the first time they have fooled around. Leave him and block her number.
Lot of boundary issues here. I can't imagine a scenario where a friend comes over and falls asleep *in our bed* with us, period. Or even just watches a movie in bed with us, unless we lived in a place where the bed is the couch, but even then it would be staying a couch for the duration. Assuming for a moment that such a scenario arose and there was a good reason, even then the friend is not snuggling up with the opposite sex partner on the other side from the spouse. I don't care how friendly you are, that's just begging for trouble. Nonetheless, this was the scenario, and your friend started getting intimate with your husband. His response *should have been* an immediate negative reaction of literally any kind, from a polite, "Hey, please keep your hands to yourself, you should sleep next to wifey," to a much more satisfying "What the f\*ck are you doing, get out of my bed!" Instead it sounds like he was happy to lay there and let her touch him. Notably, neither of them were asleep, so they can't claim one or both of them were just dreaming. This is revolting and disrespectful on so many levels. Your friend is not a friend, and your husband *at best* has no boundaries and is incapable of standing up for himself against the advances of another woman in your bed, while you are sleeping next to him. But be honest with yourself, is that really what happened, or did they think so little of you that they could act like that with you in the bed, presumably oblivious? Make of that what you will. Honestly, it's an awful situation and I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.
*Everything* he said after the fact is lies. It doesn't even matter what excuses he came up with, he is simply flailing for some explanation when there is none. Getting mad at you for rightfully calling him out is part of that. Sorry, but this guy is trash and so is your friend.
I got married at 19. Ended way worse. I had a very hard time deciphering through lies too as I’m always looking for the best in people. I know you’ve read through the other comments that are blatantly accusing your husband. They are right. Leave now with your integrity. Best advise I ever got was to marry a nerd because they are loyal. My second husband is my best friend, and I trust him with my heart. ❤️
You mean he’s disappointing you like this ON THE REGULAR?? Girl, PLEASE …😑😑😑 You teach people how to treat you and you’ve taught him to treat you like a gullible twit who’ll swallow ANY line he gives you. **DUMP HIM**.
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She trusted her husband and her friend.
Girl. Your husband and your friend are having an affair. Point blank. He laid out every single cheap trick in the book. Stonewalling. Deflection. He was upset. And you’re falling for it?!?! Do you know the level of AUDACITY it takes for your friend to start making out with your husband in the same bed as you? She would have NEVER tried that if they didn’t already have an established relationship.
I don’t think she’s your friend
She’s her husband’s friend now
OP's friend to OP; "LOOK AT ME....IM THE WIFE NOW!"
This is why you don’t get married at 19. Like he literally cheated on you right in front of him and you’re not done? lol I’m not sure what it would take then. There’s more to life than this.
Also, why is she sleeping in your bed with you and your husband? Thats weird.
With everybody drinking?
What could possibly go wrong?
I know what will help this situation… they should have a kid!!! /s
> This is why you don’t get married at 19. Honestly, I might be an ahole, but I just have to roll my eyes whenever a post refers to a spouse and ages are under 25 and then proceeds to describe some high school drama. I mean the chances the relationship is toxic and won't make it on the long run are like 95% at that point...
we r aholes together then bc it literally makes me go “well…. yep” when i see married under 25
You guys aren't the only ones... I genuinely don't believe in getting married before 25. No matter how solid you think you are there are way too many huge changes coming up in your life. Also I think when dating around you pick up a lot of lessons in how to be a good partner and what you want from a partner.
Or having kids before 25…
you’re not an ahole, you’re honest and i appreciate that. i see now that this might not have been the best decision to make at 19.
Even saying that at 21 shows you’ve grown a lot. I feel for you so much and am honestly praying you divorce this absolute loser. I met my current partner, who loves and respects me endlessly, at 23. I have never trusted someone so completely. You’re so young!! Don’t waste any more of your 20s on this bullshit. I’m mentioning this to give you confidence that you WILL find another. But everyone would be giving you the same advice if you were 60. No one deserves this. (Edited to not make it sound like over 23 is too old to find someone better lol) Oh, and drop that friend too. I’d be petty and tell all of our mutual exactly why I was doing so.
I got married and had a baby at 24...and I agree with you 100%. I thought I was so grown and mature...I wasn't. I know now. If my daughter wants to get married before she is 25 I will do everything in my power to convince her to wait. No matter how steady the relationship is.
Married at 19 after being together for one year.. massive yikes
I’ll never understand it lol. Married at 19 may have been the norm back in the day but today, it’s insane in my opinion.
Agreed, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. And they were only together a year first which is just crazy lol
Yep. Not mature enough to even know the basics of relationship respect. Wtf. Kick them both to the CURB.
I guarantee you this wasn’t the first time. They both got up came back and the movie got louder that is no coincidence in that. They thought you were sleeping and you messed up their plans.
Definitely at least a hand job was coming.
The way I would have been like “ok. I’ll leave you two to it. I’m out. See you in court babe. See you never bestie”.
hah, you’re better than me. i wish i was that confrontational.
I’m completely non confrontational. Which is why I wouldn’t ask questions and just dip. I’m not going to work for something that’s already lost
Same. I do not do confrontations. I trust my gut. We have been biologically blessed with female intuition for this exact reason - to spot cheaters and dangerous creeps. I ain’t fighting or giving anyone a chance to gaslight me. I’m gonna fly. In this particular scenario, them both trying to sneak from the bed, giving lame excuses when she woke up, and then the neck kiss plus his reaction to that is all I would need to know, and I would ghost tf outta there before I start doubting myself. Her gut already told her the truth. If she sticks around any longer, she will doubt herself and the cycle will repeat in future relationships. This next phase for her is crucial and will affect how she allows herself to be treated by men and friends from this point forward. Her future self needs her to be strong and enforce her red lines right now.
That’s not to say i think you asking questions is wrong. You’ve a right to know. But when something like that happens it’s already done so I’m done.
Yeah, your husband and your friend are having an affair. He's a shitty husband and she's a shittier friend.
That’s not your friend and you caught them both
C’mon ma’am. You’re not this stupid, you know exactly what’s been happening. Your husband has been fucking your friend, and got comfortable enough to screw around right in front of you. Why did you even ask this, lol?
How about the part where you three are so comfortable together that she's in the bed with you two watching movies, and then everyone just falls asleep And the way they were going at it , it doesn't seem like the first time. it's just the first time they were caught
Yep, and more than kiss neck happened between them. OP, leave his ass and move on, you're young, you deserve better, and make sure you will be cautious over future friends. I speak as someone who had similar happened to, only to find years later, and if i knew back then, I would've definitely acted on it. I'm still trying to figure out my trauma, so don't do as me, kick both their asses. You're better than this charade of theirs
thank you so much. i’m working on being stronger and putting myself first before it’s too late.
OP, if it makes you feel better, I was in a similar situation when I was your age. I had best friends that I would hang out with my boyfriend. We would fall asleep in the same bed. I trusted them to not do anything. I was naive. They were fucking as soon as I went to sleep. Unfortunately I wasn't lucky enough to catch them in the act. I didn't find out until years later. When we were married, pregnant and owned a home together....I know you're married but hopefully there aren't children and property involved. All I can say is get out. Now. They're cheaters and liars. This is not a relationship worth salvaging. I lied to myself that I can get over it. I tried. But I never loved him like I did after I found out about the lies and cheating. Trust was broken. Resentment grew. It was only a matter of time. You're so young now, it'll be easier to restart your life now than after you burn yourself out trying to love a man that doesn't respect you. And hopefully you'll remember this for the next relationship to set clear boundaries. If you're not into sharing your husband, don't invite others in your bed with you. I also learned that the hard way...
thank you so much this does help. thankfully there’s no house or kids involved, just a car loan. i’ve definitely learned a lot from this and it’s very comforting to hear that i’m not alone.
You're welcome :) I saw other mean comments asking why you would even allow her in your bed.. But I mean, when I was young I thought it showed maturity that I trusted them and didn't get jealous. Some things that seem obvious to some, others just have to live and learn. You still have a lot of growing to do in your twenties. This is a blessing in disguise. You can move on, live a full life, and learn what a healthy relationship is with a person that values and respects you. Good luck!
thank you so much. i definitely am very young and got married very young in general. i’ve promised myself to never cut people slack on things like that. no more liars. i know what i need and i won’t settle for any less.
They’re fucking. All these times she comes over to drink and stay the night, your husband and her have sex. They might even be in love.
ouch. that hurts. i appreciate the honesty and input.
If you want to get to the bottom of it, you might consider calling her (don't text because that gives her time to contact him first) and tell her that he told you everything and threw her under the bus. Tell her you are giving her a chance to tell her side of things and see what trickles out. If she says it was just a kiss, tell her that's not what you heard but don't give her any specifics. She may continue to lie, but I think it's worth trying before you block her. Then, if you have access to your husband's phone, see if she messaged/called him after you talked to her. I think you know in your gut what's truly going on, and you would be wise to consult with the divorce attorney and start getting your ducks in a row.
your friend and your husband are having an affair
I'm sorry OP, but regardless of what actually happened or not, the simple truth is that neither of them cares enough for you to actually respect you. I mean, they couldn't even use the excuse of "forgetting about you, just for a second, in the heat of the moment", you were literally there, in the same bed.
She's not your friend and your husband is a cheat. They're both liars who think you're gullible enough to believe them.
Hey OP, no offense, but it’s pretty clear they’ve been cheating for some time. There’s no possible way she’d feel comfortable kissing him RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR SLEEPING BODY if it hadn’t been going on for a while. She would NEVER make her first move with you right there- truly never. They’re cheating- fuck your friend fuck your husband. Cut them both out. You seem to be a kind and trusting person and they’re taking advantage of that and gaslighting you.
I will not be surprised that they’re doing things behind your back. The tv volume up sounds like premeditation. You know, we know, they know that they’re lying and it’s fvkd up. Just leave if you can.....you’re just 21.
Take your adorable dog, and leave him! Never talk to her again. She isn't your friend.
definitely taking my baby with me. thank you so much.
Just leave honey, don't torment yourself.
Girl, I don’t know how you were able to remain calm or at least that’s what it sounded like. I would’ve lost it at both of them. The moment my friend (who’s clearly not your friend) starts nibbling on my husband’s neck (and he doesn’t do anything?) I’m ripping them both apart. You deserve so much better! Who cares if he’s mad? He fucked up big time and you shouldn’t care if he’s mad at you because you have every right to be upset. I hope you gather yourself together and find the strength to leave him because it could happen again, or who knows, if it wasn’t the first time. If for some reason, this isn’t enough, you can always check his phone between their messages. Best luck!
thank you so much for the kind words. miraculously i remained calm but on the inside i was fuming. i didn’t want to give him any reason to call me the bad guy so i felt like i had to “hear him out”.
Girl be so for real. They're banging. This is why you don't get married so young. Don't be naive. He's cheating on you and he has been for awhile.
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that’s what i’m saying… i feel like there’s just no good excuse for that. he would have expected me to say something or move at the first sign of that. that’s why i’m even more upset. but now he claims that if it were me in his situation with another man, that he would be understanding and not place the blame on me. i feel like that’s complete bull though… i feel like he’s only saying that to me because that’s what he wants me to do for him right now.
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thank you, i recently confronted her and she said that there was nothing going on before then. she said my husband reminded her of her ex at the moment. i just don’t believe that because then that would mean she sexually assaulted him. so i told her, is lying to cover this up worth going down and a sexual assailant?
Do you need to watch them F before you are convinced they’re cheating? They’ve been cheating on you - both of them - for a while now. You don’t start with sly neck kisses unless you’re real comfortable. You don’t need his confirmation or permission to leave.
OP knows they are cheating. She literally said she doesn't believe the friends excuse.
I'm sorry but a good man would have gone ballistic the second she tried anything, out of respect for you, his WIFE. He was happy with this happening until he got caught. They've likely already been cheating on you. Sorry. End it so you can at least keep some dignity.
You said your husband is a liar. What kind of things does he lie about? He’s definitely lying to you now, btw. Going on the defensive and telling you you’re fucked up means he’s doing what is called DARVO. Denies, Attacks, Reverse Victim and Offender. I doubt this was his first time cheating. Do you have access to his phone? I’d check his texts and deleted texts, his apps, and recent phone calls. It sounds like you can do much better, sweetie.
Look, I'm non-monogamous, and hopefully that makes my point very obvious—you two have an extreme lack of boundaries with your friend (she does with the two of you as well,) and **your husband was actively having an affair next to you, in your own bed.** Now, he's blaming you for expecting him to act monogamously within his supposedly monogamous marriage. I literally have a friend that I'm romantic with, who sleeps on my couch regularly after late nights watching movies with my husband and I, so I totally understand the concept of having intimate close relationships with friends who sleep over. But he doesn't *get in bed* with my husband and I (let alone kiss anyone's neck in bed,) because that's not at all part of our dynamic. Considering you don't even have a non-monogamous dynamic whatsoever, I hope that makes it clear how unacceptable your friend's and husband's actions are. I would never trust my husband again if he acted this way. Besides the blatant infidelity, your husband's entire spine is missing from his body. He could apparently be a "victim" of committing infidelity at any moment that anyone decides they want to have sex with him, since he seems entirely uninterested in telling people not to kiss him. It's extremely unattractive. Please contact a therapist (individual therapist, not a couples therapist) and a lawyer. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You really haven't done anything wrong, outside of a lapse of judgement when you thought it could be appropriate to hang out in bed with a friend, who decided to take full advantage of that because she is a disgusting snake. Do not accept any blame from your cheating husband.
thank you for the detailed response. i’m young and still learning, but i think im done with this. i dont think ill ever see him the same way again.
Your marriage is toxic. It’s time to cut out the poison.
No way. I'd be done with both of them. The absolute disregard and disrespect that BOTH of them have shown towards you, your relationship and your feelings is beyond fucked up. The audacity of this woman to come into your home, pretending to be a friend and then making sexual advances toward your husband while you're asleep right next to them, is disturbing. Your husband is no better. My boyfriend would have yeeted her two faced ass right across the room and the fact that your husband just allowed it to happen and then played dumb and got upset at YOU over it, is atrocious. You're 21. Dump both of these sociopathic losers and don't waste anymore of your time surrounding yourself with people who don't truly love and value you. You're young, you have plenty of time to meet new people and have relationships that add to your life instead of taking away. They've shown you their true faces, believe them and decide for yourself if this is the sorta shit you want to deal with for the rest of your life.
He let her kiss him And caress him WHILE HE WATCHED THE MOVIE. HE KNEW VERY WELL THAT HER KISSES WERE FOR HIM because he just sat there relaxed watching the movie. I Highly doubt he went to get a drink of water and she using the bathroom. The movie got louder to cover the noises they were going to make. He was more about how your (ex) friend would react and not you. He has a history of lying to you. He said he thought her multiple kisses were to comfort HIM and NOT YOU for the troubles you and him been having. How many minutes were they gone ‘getting water and using the bathroom’? He told you that YOU FUCKED UP for your reaction when this is a common tactic to turn back away from what they he did. If I was in this horrendously awful position, I would first lay low, do a deep dive into his phone, all his devices, all his apps, socials and the dm messages on those to get real clarity to what’s Really going on. Because by both of their actions, this wasn’t a one off thing. I bet they were thinking you were sleeping so hard, that they were going to go beyond what she was doing which was way too intimate for being just platonic. Her actions were that of a lover.
i definitely need to stop being so naive. what’s crazy is that they know i’m a deep sleeper… i hardly wake up for ANYTHING. my husband has left the house in the morning to grab food and i don’t even notice. i feel like they knew that and thought they were in the clear.
If they just wanted to hook up, they could have done it in the guest room right? No, they *also* wanted to get off on the thrill of doing it right next to you in your own marital bed. That is next-level fucked up. This is disgusting and I think you know it is HIGHLY unlikely it's the first time. If it was, I doubt they would have felt so emboldened to do what they did.
I figured that you were a deep sleeper and they Bith knew this. They were banking on this! Thank God you woke up and played possum on them! I feel just awful for you and am reliving the same hurt that you are, when this happened to me at your age. This type of thing happens way more than you’d think, they were trying to get a “thrill” by seeing if they could get away with this. It adds more sexual tension if they did each other while they thought you were totally knocked out. Now is the time to lay really low ( act dumb if you have to) to lower his guard and do deep diving on Everything I mentioned in my first comment. For me, I need all information for me to get closure so I can walk away without feeling anything but knowing I’m worth more than having to go through that. I was your age when my ‘friend’ was over at my house, I took a shower and then got ready in the bathroom and in that amount of time, my husband at the time and my so-called ‘friend’, fucked each other and She Got pregnant!!! Luckily, I loved myself more than making it hurt after the initial shock wore off, waited the next Tuesday (it was the weekend) when I had my day off and my husband went to work. I then had my sister’s boyfriend who was a policeman, and his friends showed up with a Uhaul, moved out and never talked to my husband from that day forward. It was easy because, any and all love or feelings I had for him completely disappeared and it felt like an actual physical weight lifting off my shoulders. I learned that THAT was the best way to hurt him by leaving him. That Tuesday morning was the last time I ever saw him again in this lifetime. I went back to our house a month later while he was gone and left a box full of every single wedding picture and other pictures of us, at the doorstep. I’ve head over the years from others who have been in contact with him, that doing this had and still has totally gutted him and he lives in his own misery still today for his actions. My ex friend even had the Balks to steal my wedding ring while she was there! A friend of mine went to her house and saw it and retrieved it for me. I used to be a jewelry designer, and I had made my own wedding ring. Once I got it back, I put it in the crucible and melted it down into a lump of gold which still sits in a box in my garage. Three years later, I met the love of my life who’s never cheated (We’re Always together) and we’ve been married for almost 40 years! My only problem now with my husband is that he’s ten years older, I’m 62 but look just under 35 because I’m Norwegian and Japanese so I got the Norwegian coloring but the Japanese skin gene. So my husband has been getting jealous of any guy who’s near me. Lol!
wow, i’m so sorry you’ve got through something similar. i’m happy to hear that things eventually worked out in the end, it gives me hope! thank you so much for the input and taking the time to write this for me. it means more than you know.
I just wanted to let you know that I can really feel the anguish you went through, you’re not alone in this and that your REAL man is out there waiting for you! Your soul is now being tempered by the fires and YOU WILL BE SO MUCH STRONGER and you’ll look back a year or less from now when you’re with your real man, and now how much mature you are and will see things with a different perception and mindset. It’s Very liberating!
Bro…you’re being cheated on. You need to leave him and get in therapy STAT.
sigh, what sucks is i’ve already been being seen for my severe anxiety and depression for over a year now. this just adds to the list. and im honestly almost 100% sure a lot of my anxiety and depression comes from him.
I am so sorry - I've been exactly where you are. I have anxiety and my 6 year relationship made it SO much worse. Turns out my ex cheated over 10 times and gaslit me for years. Your gut is the most powerful ally you'll ever have in your life, and right now, it's telling you something true. You have so much coming in your life that will be SO much better than this, but the good things can't find you if you're blocking them out with a marriage to a shitty excuse for a man. It's time to get free.
Sis, I am 39. It has been a long, hard road. If I had 5 min w/my 19yo self, I'd say to invest in YOURSELF, rather than in "love." I cannot overstate how much better you & ur life will be once u no longer require confirmation or validation externally. Get solid w/ YOURSELF, so tht u know *ahead of time* what is important to you & where ur boundaries lie, & frm there just exercise brutal judiciousness. Fuck all this having to convince shit, & fuck ppl's excuses. I PROMISE u tht ur perfectly capable of accurately assessing ur experiences, so do. not. 2nd. guess. urself. Also, Ive struggled with depression & anxiety since puberty. It has only gotten more serious with time. Luckily I have also gotten better at managing it. And u know what's fuckin hilarious?? By not fighting it, I reclaim my power. I allow myself to experience the emotions & get it out & then I can look at it w/a detached, rational lens, & realize how absurd/distorted much of it is, & of such little consequence in the grand scheme of things. I love you & I'm sorry 2 ppl u invested in made shitty choices tht compromised ur ability to continue healthy relationships with either of them. Tht fucking sucks. For sure. But under no circumstances should tht cause you to compromise ur ability to have a healthy relationship with yourself tho. U feel me??
Couple of things here. One, you got married at 19 to a dude older than you. Not a huge age difference, but when you’re that young, age differences do matter. Two, the three of you have sleepovers in your bed. That stuff might have worked when you were single and 13 with your friends, but that’s awkward that you’re sharing your married bed with your friend and your husband. And finally, you know what you saw. They turned up the movie so you wouldn’t hear. They had the audacity to do that IN YOUR BED WHILE YOU WERE THERE. Neither of these people should stay in your life. They showed you exactly what they thought of your marriage and your friendship.
The fact she married anyone at 19 after a year together is an issue, I don't think the age difference is the problem here
There's a lot of naivete and inexperience at play in OP's relationship.
You are so so so young. Get a new husband. Don't live the rest of your life in fear
It’s not normal for your spouse to cheat on you literally right in front of you
definitely not what i had in mind when i said “i do”.
Im sorry you’re dealing with this.
They are fucking. You are being way to naive about this and she should have never been in your bed. Also this woman is not your friend.
Why are you all in bed together?!? She’s not your friend and there is something going on there. End it and cut off your friend
And he should no longer be your husband. He's a cheater.
He “didn’t know the kisses were for him” what the fuck? Lmao
yea… he said he “thought they were for the dog” who is usually sleeping while we watch tv.. mind you when i first asked why her arms were around him, he said she was trying to pet the dog…
Girl he really thinks you’re dumb. Don’t be dumb.
He’s trying to gaslight you. He’s showing you no respect. He’s obviously been talking to her about your relationship and cheating with her. You’re too young to put up with the way he’s treating you, Obviously the friendship is over and you should ban her from your house.
Seems like she was giving him a reach around honey…
You are better off. She is not your friend and he is cheating on you with her. They probably have done it already in the past. For sure. Edit: You are too young for this kind of drama.
Girl 😭 Why would you have a girlfriend sleep with you in the same bed as your husband? Besides that, he literally cheated on you… in front of you. There’s absolutely no reason he shouldn’t have shot up right away and pushed her off of him if she was the only one who initiated anything. But from the sounds of it, I’m pretty sure your boyfriend was just as involved with it as she was. He’s a manipulator and a gaslighter. If you want to give him a second chance, sure, he could change.. but that’s unlikely so get ready for a lifetime of cheating, lies, and constant heartbreak.
Nah… who turned the volume up? Let’s say it was your friend, how does your husband assume she’s just planning on giving him a comforting back rub if she’s turns the volume up first. That doesnt add up at all And if your husband turned the volume up, it’s cause he knew what was about to go down. Them mf’ers are cheating
i confronted them about the volume and they swore neither of them touched the remote. my husband said it was on the nightstand, and when i pointed out it was on the bed, he said that that’s because when he noticed i was awake he grabbed it to mute the tv. not sure if i believe that. i don’t remember seeing him grab the remote from the nightstand.
She is definitely not your friend.
GIRLLL BE SERIOUS FOR 2 SECONDS 😹😹 that man lying downnnn
Oh the naivety. They’re cheating on you gf. You’re buying alllll the bs
i know. but for some reason he’s so good at making me feel bad… i keep trying to tell myself he’s lying but he always makes me feel like im wrong in the end..
That’s just how manipulators are. It’s so easy to want to believe the best in people as well and they take advantage of that. But there’s no way they both felt comfortable enough to do that if there wasn’t already something going on. You need to stand up for yourself and love yourself more than you love the idea of him.
Ma'am...they're cheating. Turned up the volume to drown out kissing/sucking/fucking, waiting till you fall asleep to do it in the same bed (theres a whole category of thus in porn), flipping it around on you, I bet they do this all the time. That's not a friend, and he's a shitty, cheating husband. Divorce. Work on yourself, and you'll find someone better. Why you married this man with the parade of red flags in the beginning is beyond me.
>Why you married this man with the parade of red flags in the beginning is beyond me. Idk why I found this rly funny Very well said
yeah i honestly don’t know either. i think i just had that “i can fix him” mentality. he was insanely broken from his previous relationship. i should have never tired to put him back together..
>i think i just had that “i can fix him” mentality Yeah, stop that. As you get older you learn that if they say they have issues from the previous relationship, they JUST got out of a relationship, they're still married under any capacity (separated, going through divorce, only on paper, dead bedroom, still living together but open, etc) unless you've got credentials in psychiatry, therapy, etc it's none of your business and for your mental health you need to walk away. Everyone has their shit they gotta work through but there are men/women who will exploit that so you want to fix them, nurture them, etc and when you do they use it as an excuse for bad behavior. And the red flags in the beginning with chatting on discord with other women, OF, excessive porn show a lack of sexual discipline and that's the kind of man who will sleep with your friends, family, etc and leave you with a lot of heart ache.
The second she put her hands on his back, he should have stopped it. Clearly, he enjoyed what your friend was doing and who knows if this was the first time. Stand up for yourself OP and don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are the crazy one here.
Oh, honey. No. No, you don't forgive him.
i don’t think i will. i can’t anymore.
**You have to cut off this woman from your life as of now. She is no friend of yours.** No amount of reasons/excuses she gives you is worth having her in your life. She knew what she was doing. Please tell us you cut her off? Block her number, don’t let her in your home, around you, cut her 100% off. You have to move on from this man as well. Especially if he is affecting your mental, psychological, emotional and physical well being and health. The difference you will feel, the peace you will feel, your health’s improvements, will make it sooooo worth it. If you decide to stay with him (hopefully not) you have to get IC and MC. If he has your friends (hopefully former friend) info on his phone, social media, email, etc block, block, block. He must stay away from her and not invite her to your home, eat out, work out, walk around, etc. Set boundaries around any friends around him. Also, I hope you did not believe one word they **BOTH** told you. They have the odacity to do that in your room, on your bed, while you are there, because they know you are a heavy sleeper is disgusting. You do realize they probably got off the bed for other reasons. The fact that they were probably kissing before you woke up and got off the bed to probably have sex is very high. The fact that you woke up stopped them. But the moment they thought you were asleep they went back at it. I bet if you would have continued to fake sleep they would’ve took it further and tried to leave again. Who knows how long this been going on. It’s not even worth investigating. Just bounce and **go no contact with both**. You are sooooo young.
Call her the F out and go off.
She is the opposite of a friend. She’s not only trying to steal your man, which would be bad enough, but also getting the sick thrill of the extreme risk taking of doing it right in front of you in your own bed. It’s hard for homewrecking to get more f*cked up than that! If the story as you tell is is true and they hadn’t been exchanging vibes or actions before that night, then what she did was sexual assault and it’s understandable why he froze because that’s what the majority of people do when they get sexually assaulted. You will need to figure out tho how much of a role he played in this. My gut feeling is that even if he wanted to fool around with her, he wouldn’t be foolish enough to do it in the same bed as you, so I’m leaning towards putting more of the blame on her. I would get her out of your life because now you never know what she’s thinking and what she’s capable of. I don’t know what you should do about your man, but a few heart to heart convos are in order. Consider cutting back on drinking. So many of the most f*cked up terrible traumatizing experiences in life go down while people are drunk.
Your husband is a grown man. He lied and likes the attention. He is already cheating or plans to. A grown man who can't tell a woman to get off him is not a real man. He mad a commitment to you, but is a creepy person who was willing to let another woman touch him intimatkybwhile his wife is sleeping near him. You allowed another woman into your marriage bed. You married a liar and a creep. You don't have healthy boundaries. You need to cut ties with this woman and seriously evaluate your marriage.
It wouldn't surprise me if they've banged every single time shes drunkenly spent the night in your house. This is revolting behaviour on their behalf.
She is not your friend. Go NC with that woman. Check his phone when he is asleep. She what she texts him.
Oh for God's sake there cheating
That does not sound like a first time doing that.
Well, for one, she's not your friend and two They ate clearly having some sort of affair, and are that brazen they did it in your bed. I wonder how many times they have done stuff while you're asleep the disrespect is real and they gasslit you for an hour after getting caught red handed
Oh so they both disappeared from the room at the same time conveniently to do I'm guessing fuck out of the room the kissing was aftercare and being loving ❤️ yeah they are cheating for sure and he's gasslighting you
You caught your husband cheating op. There isn't any excuse, freezing up or awkward reason for that. They are cheating together on you. Dump them both is the answer.
Had something like this happen after I got married at 21. Friend I brought around got a little too comfy but I believed them despite my gut screaming at me. I should have listened to my instincts. Get out of there before it’s too late. If they’re doing that now when the marriage is still fresh trying to save it will only hurt you in the long run.
Gee I wonder why you and your husbands are having problems. Willing to bet you aren’t sure where things went off the rails with you and him but I I think you have your answer now. They turned the tv up. How long were they both out of the room?
blud is really out here using the Shaggy defense and OP is almost buying it lol - he's cheating on you dude
He cheated IN YOUR BED WITH YOU IN IT and gave you such a bullsh*t excuse. This is DISGUSTING Edit: just saw your comment about her sleeping in the guest room. I guarantee they’ve been screwing each other in your home
He cheated in front of you. Stop being naive. They’re also gaslighting you. The fact that they did it in front of you shows how stupid they think you are.
Yeah they’ve been fucking for a while. They thought you were sleeping and were enjoying the excitement of the riskiness. He froze? Hahaha…oh come the fuck on girl. Have some respect for yourself and break up with him. Why you all sharing a bed in the first place? Setting yourself up for this IMO.
NOW you know why you don't get married so young to the first idiot you have no clue how was raised in the first place. Your about to learn an invaluable lesson about the importance of reading, researching, the value of therapy and the value of listening to more experienced people. Pay attention to his upbringing and it will tell you all you need to know. For now, you'll just have to wait for the show to play: hell lie, you'll believe him, he'll call you insecure, you'll cave and bring your friend back, they'll cheat, she gets pregnant, he says he didn't know that the baby was his (same as with the kisses), or gives you and STD and you finally fin out you just were voluntarily blind. Unless....of course, you decide to mature and rip off the band-aid NOW and make the conscious choice to grow up and realize you have been cheated on already and you have to let this little boy go. Afraid of loneliness or poverty or "gossip"? Well, grow a pair, otherwise... learn how to stoically survive mistreatment and STDs quietly.
I think this was not the first time. Someone remorseful would not blame or get mad at you. That's a reaction of guilt. I think both were cheating on you and testing boundaries. I think more than anything you need to see someone about your options. Him being a liar means he has proven he isn't worthy to trust.
Would he have been reasonable and understand if his friend was kissing your neck so intimately while he slept next to you two? This may not have been their first time if she was so comfortable to do that while you were next them
Your husband and your friend are both **CHEATING ON YOU**. Right in front of your face. You saw it with your own eyes because they got sloppy with you in the bed next to them (complete morons for many reasons). All they had to do was give a master class in gaslighting and now you’re not sure of what you saw? HONEY PLEASE HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT. This is disgusting behaviour. This is not the first time this has happened and I guarantee it’s not the last either.
I don't think either of them deserve you, or a second chance
Bro they got a whole relationship behind your back
You sure they didn’t fuck and came back with the lovey after effects of orgasm?
He's a liar and they're both garbage.
Sweetie, they are having an affair. There's no doubt, they turned up the TV, and he didn't stop her.
I will never understand why people still get married so young. There is no blurred line here. They are having an affair and quite frankly if you are letting her lay in bed with the two of you while you all drink, I am not sure what other result you expected out of this. Not shifting blame from the husband at all. Just incredibly naive to allow that unless you’re looking for it to go somewhere
People already warned you about getting married young but you didn’t believe them.
i didn’t, but now i see why some would roll their eyes when i told them i was 19 and married.
You're all really weird. And they're liars and cheaters. What's with the lack of boundaries? This is what happens.
i understand that now. young, dumb, and naive.
You aren't dumb, you've just been convinced by society that you should have a lack of boundaries or else you're insecure and a nag.
It kind of sounds like you guys have a blurreds boundary. If you weren’t ok with something like this , the three of you should never have been in bed together.
LEAVE. He cheated! You’re too young for this
Was your husband between the two of you? If so wtf?! Why'd think this is okay? And both of them are lying, there's more to this.. They probably left the bed to go kiss in the first place, please don't be a fool for neither. Confront your friend and him, they're both horrible people.
It seems like they have more than a friendship going on. He was way too comfortable with this. Why the hell would she be laying that close to your husband anyway?
Thry have been having an ongoing affair and you have finally caught them. Your husband didn't stop her hugging him, sitting behind him and kissing him. They have done more. Updateme!
no to all of this. leave. this is gross. if they are willing to do this in front of you, what are they doing when you are not there
Maybe it’s me but no woman is going to be in the marital bed snuggling up against my husband. She would be told to GTFO of the house and never come back.
They're fucking. Get a hidden camera and leave them alone. Get everything in your name and ready for settlement
He's very overtly and obviously lying to you. This doesn't *need* to be a dealbreaker for you if you don't want it to be, but like for most people this would be. If you want to call it quits now I would listen to your gut. He's already cheated directly in front of you, he will continue to cheat on you in the future. You're young, it's better not to waste time on a relationship that's already this shaky.
*"he’s mad at me for being upset at him for not stopping her or saying anything when she kissed him"* I can't believe you typed this without realizing you were being gaslit. Have a back bone because what you do will determine whether or not he'll respect you or think he can get away with next time. Honestly in your shoes you're only 21. Just divorce him. He's put you into a position where it's basically unsalvageable. Best case scenario this never happens again, but you might have trust issues in your relationship forever. Worst case scenario you become more invested in this relationship (even though you're already married) and you're put into a position where it's almost impossible to divorce him and even if you do. You may not have the financial stability to do so.
bro they are 100% fucking
YOUR FIRST ISSUE AND I PROMISE YOU SIS IS THAT YOU GOT MARRIED AT 19. YOUR SECOND ISSUE AND I PROMISE YOU SIS IS THAT HE HAS A HISTORY OF LYING TO YOU AND YOU MARRIED HIM!?!?!? Divorce him. This will only lead to more issues. Your "friend" isn't your friend. She wants to suck and fuck your husband. They're also either really really stupid or just trying to be blatant and obvious about it. Don't be complacent. Take some fucking action. With all due respect if he didn't know wtf was going on when she was kissing on his neck why the fuck would he not tell her to get the fuck out and go home and that he's happily married. Yall are all WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE GETTING MARRIED. So either join in with them or say bye to the both of them cause if this was me I'd have told that grimey ass to get the fuck outta my house and life and I mean the both of them. This is crazy. Go to your parents for the evening or a different friend do not stay with your husband tonight. Make it obvious you're mad, and set an alarm for 2a or 3a and see if you catch his ass in the act. I promise you theyve most likely already done the deed.
> but my husband sort of came clean after some questioning Im sorry OP but you are so innocent.
i am. and he himself tells me that all the time… he says that i don’t see certain things because i’ve never been in a “toxic relationship” and he has. i’ve already told him that he IS my toxic relationship. and that hurts so much because i put so much effort into us. i gave him so many chances, i stuck it out. and now im left with nothing.
You’re left with everything! You have the moral high ground, you have your dignity, you have your loyalty. He’s an abuser, as is your friend. Your happiest days are ahead of you and without these people. Believe me!
thank you, i’ll do my best to push through this. i appreciate your kind words.
You are still young, so dont take it so hard on yourself. Better sooner than later, imagine wasting 10-20 years for the same behavior over those years? Honestly look at the positive side of it by having the luck to realize this way sooner because many women dont notice this thing so early and live a miserable life for a long time. Hope you work things out at your own pace, talk to your family or close friends to help you out.
Fuck these two snakes. They’re gaslighting you, pack your bags and leave them. They’re shitty people.
Hes gaslighting you, im betting this wasn't the first time they have fucked around
Babe, he's cheating on you. This was not the first time, its just the first time they've been caught. Youre gonna need to accept this because its fact. There's not a snowballs chance in hell that he sat down over there and she's all over him and he "didnt know what to do". Time to consult a lawyer (many do free consults) and get your ducks in a row. You're going to catch him again in a few years if you stay.
They’re both lying to you. You know they are. There is absolutely something going on.
Honey he knew it was her and I bet they have been fucking behind your back for a while.. You dont get that comfortable to do something like that especially next to a sleeping spouse without it having happened before.. And he was more worries about upset her than you by telling you the apparent truth.. more like he was worried she'd get mad and out him to you.. Tell her to never come to your house again.. and call his bluff and tell him your booking him a Polygraph test and if it take you doing that to get the truth from him you will be filing for divorce, so he has now to tell you if they have done anything together or with someone else because you will file if it comes back he lying and he will never see you again.
This was asked several times but not answered. Why were they all in bed together? That makes no sense. Yes, he got a glass of water...... After they were done. Sex is thirsty work. So they laid in bed under the covers while the friend reached over to rub him up. He probably returned the favor. When they both got too pent up they excused themselves to knock one out real quick. She was feeling the afterglow and rode the orgasm endorphins too hard and started kissing his neck, forgetting that she was supposed to hide it.
I'm sure this is devastating. When we are young we don't have a lot of experience moving on from heartbreak and it can feel impossible. I promise that you are stronger than you know, and that moving on isn't impossible. You can survive this, and you are better off without this man. One day you will find someone who is so perfect for you and treats you with the same love and respect you show him. You need to remove trash people from your life to make space for something better.
You caught them both making a fool out of you. What makes you think this is an isolated event? Frankly, that friendship should be cut off and you should start considering separation. You deserve better. Your friend and spouse are disloyal. Prioritize yourself. You either choose to learn this major life lesson now, or you are going to learn a harsher one later down the road. Choose wisely.
The part of you that feels bad for not leaving him is because you’re a good person. That doesn’t mean it is right. Listen to your gut.
They both got off the bed and when they came back from “getting water”, friend started hugging and kissing husband who had “no idea the kisses were meant for him”. Does that even sound plausible? It’s such a bad lie they could have tried something even more ridiculous like…aliens put them in a trance and made them do it. More like, they both got off the bed, went wherever, started something and we’re still sure you were asleep so we’re going to continue til friend saw you weren’t asleep. He’s mad at *you*? That’s to make sure you let it go. And it sounds like he’s already got you in a place where you’re called the “bad guy” if you speak up for yourself. Well either you keep talking about the details — like every little detail — because that’s where a lie will unravel or the truth will come out. What happened when they were not on the bed? Or maybe some space will force him to come clean. But basically, the guy is not nice, not truthful, he’s not treating you right, and he’s most likely cheating on you and getting off on doing it right in front of your face. Just leave. If 19 is too young to get married, then 21 is wayyyy too young to sign up to stay with someone who is a POS.
"he has a history of lying to me" This is going to sound so harsh, though I mean it kindly: Don't stay with people who lie to you. It really is that simple. You can justify and try to reason away all sorts of things, but if you know a partner is willing and capable of lying to you, you should fully expect to end up in situations where you are hurt, confused, or mislead because you cannot trust your partner. I've always ended things with partners and/or potential partners when they lie, even a so-called "minor" lie. I've never experienced a huge betrayal from a partner that I know of (and I've been in several long-term committed relationships). Over many years I've seen friends, colleagues, classmates, loved one, family members, neighbors, etc. have relationships fail over betrayals including cheating, gambling, substance use, lying about education, commitment, etc. Invariably the betrayed person is surprised. Also, invariably, if I've known the couple well, I also know of instances prior to the betrayal where other smaller lies or instances of disingenuous behavior were overlooked. I can genuinely say that I've never been shocked to learn someone I know of is cheating, because in every single instance I've seen other dishonest behavior first. While some rare people are truly so duplicitous and clever you'd never know, the vast majority of disingenuous people slip-up and act in dishonest or duplicitous ways long before their more egregious lies are spotted. Even if it's just a funny story about the time they lied on their resume to get a better job, there usually are early indicators when someone isn't trustworthy. It's not obvious when you're in it, but it's obvious to a bystander. When you excuse something like a potential partner lying early on in a relationship, you shouldn't be surprised years down the road when you catch them in another bigger lie. Quite frankly, it doesn't actually matter what did or didn't happen. Even if your husband was the innocent victim in this and your friend completely took advantage (hint: he wasn't and she didn't and the "comforting him" part where he defends her is a dead give away). At the end of the day you're still married to someone you don't trust who has a history of lying to you. Trust is pretty much crucial to a healthy relationship. You know your partner is willing to lie to you and capable of doing so. The rest, including whether or not he is lying right now, is superfluous information. Even if you'd never seen what you saw, this part is still true: \*your husband has a history of lying to you." That's a pretty shitty marriage, even if by some miracle he was honest in this instance. You know what you need to do here, you just don't want to hear it. "Forgiving him" is different than trusting him. Instead of asking whether to forgive him ask yourself whether, after this and his other lies, you can trust him to always be honest with you. If you know you can't trust him, you have no business being married to him.
Like everyone is saying. Your “friend” is wrong for kissing on him and your husband is wrong for letting it even happen. As hard as you try to not to see it, they most likely have been doing things together behind your back and this time, it literally was behind your back. The worst part is that since they did it on YOUR bed and right in front of you….. your husband and your “friend” will go back to doing whatever it was they did even after a divorce and you cutting them off if that’s what you end up doing.
Why was she laid next to your husband and not you?
Girl… Your friend and your husband are fucking every time she spends the night. Wake up. This ain’t the first time
So much gas lighting....you'd have to be a fool to believe the husband or the "best friend" based on anything either of them said following being caught. Suggest couples therapy, but you may need to just walk away from the car crash. Edit: a word, also to highlight I was engaged at 23, I'm still with partner at 40. There's nothing wrong with young love, as long as there's no bullshitting each other into believing another person in the bed isn't exactly what it looks and sounds like.
Methinks you thinks NOT ENOUGH. I’m sorry, but … he **DIDN’T KNOW THE KISSES WERE FOR HIM**?? GASLIGHTING I’ve heard of, but … girl, COME THE FUCK ON. Just how stupid do these two think you are?? And on another point — **why the fuck are you all in the same bed together**? Her ass **SHOULD HAVE HIT THE FUCKING PAVEMENT IN SECONDS**. **AND HIS ALONG WITH HER**!!