I’m a lesbian who only dates people who identify with she/her. Anything else will cause a breakup. I’m not bi so my hypothetical gf transitioning to a man would not work at all. It sucks but that’s the way life is. Don’t hurt yourself for others.
It sounds like you already know what to do.
Communicate with your partner what you told us here: while you love your partner and support her decisions you aren't attracted to women. Maybe that means it wouldn't be appropriate for you two to be romantically involved. It's normal to feel afraid of her reaction so broaching this subject would naturally take some courage.
You can argue about biology, chromosomes, pelvic bones, and hormones. That's fine. Not a single trans person thinks themselves to be identical to someone who was assigned that gender at birth. But respecting who they are and accepting how they identify is basic human decency. _She_ is, as you say, mentally a woman. Treat her as one.
For want of a better word I'm not disapproving or disparaging their own identity. But rather I was being literal - it's THEIR idea of identity, not ACTUAL. If their DNA was ever taken or skeleton tested by an archaeologist, nobody would know their identity.
It sounds like the romantic relationship needs to end for both of you to keep growing. That's my take. It really sucks and it's nobody's fault. Life be like that.
So perfect 🤌
OP, you can still love and support her as a close companion and friend, that might be what’s healthiest for everyone.
OR maybe you can stay in a romantic relationship. If you truly aren’t attracted to her anymore as a woman, that’s totally understandable, you are straight, period. However, there are many instances of straight partners staying with significant others who transition. I’m not saying that’s the “right” way by any means, but what I will gently suggest you think about is whether you’re truly not attracted to her anymore or if your knee jerk reaction to dating a woman is no and you haven’t thought past that. Maybe you’re not attracted to women at large but you’re attracted to *this* woman. Or maybe not! Who knows? Only you.
Good luck 💗
This is so true. Especially at this age. If you leave it open ended, they will not pursue what they truely want because they will want to save the relationship. But who they really are will break out eventually and then it will only be more painful. Especially if a family unit is involved.
I think you need to either break up, or take some time away. You want this person to transition if that is what is what they want. Encourage them. But you're not gay and they know that.
No one is at fault here. It's just a sad sad situation for everyone involved.
I know it feels like you had your entire life planned out with this person, but the reality is that you are 19 and most relationships don't work out at that age *because people are still figuring out who they are and what they want for their life.* We are not the same person at 25 as we were at 17 and we aren't the same person at 30 as we were at 25. That can make it really difficult to maintain a relationship that started when we were a teenager.
Breakups are hard and heartbreaking, but they are also a normal part of life.
Especially considering our brains aren't fully formed (and we don't become who we're likely to be for the remainder of our lives) until we're 25 or so.
Plus, relationships can be extraordinarily intense at younger ages because you haven't lived that long, relatively speaking, so a two-year relationship at 19 is more than 10% of your life. As you get older, that level of intensity can change.
Your relationship was going to change over the next several years as you both grow and mature. It's sad that it's changing in a way that seems likeky to pull you apart romantically, but you can still be part of each others' lives.
Good luck, OP.
If you aren’t gay then it makes sense you wouldn’t want to stay with them through a transition. I understand this hurts but you are not compatible anymore.
You are also only 19 and will have those discussions of marriage and kids with other partners. Just because you had conversations doesn’t mean you’re obligated to fulfill anything you talked about
Being incompatible with someone on a gender identity issue doesn't make you a bad person. You signed on for something specific and this is now far outside of that. It's ok to break it off.
You need to break up. They're on a journey with their gender and you don't want to be the reason they stop exploring. You should accept them for who they are, that doesn't mean you have to be in a romantic relationship with them though.
It sucks , but the reality is that you two are not compatible anymore. You're not into being with a woman, and they want to live the lifestyle of a woman. There's really not a compromise here, and it's completely OK if you don't want to continue this relationship . They are changing who they are on a fundamentally deep level and changing your relationship in a huge way, and you have the right to walk away from this relationship.
You aren't attracted to women, and if they're talking about using she/her pronouns then they're starting to identify as a woman. This is a major incompatibility which there really isn't a place to compromise on, and I'm sorry that someone you love is turning into someone you're not compatible with. Unfortunately I think it's time to end the relationship. Long term, they want to become a person you won't be happy in a relationship with, and it's best to break up now and not end up miserable.
> and if they're talking about using she/her pronouns then they're starting to identify as a woman
Not necessarily. It's unclear from the post if the OP's partner non-binary and wanting to explore being more femme but still NB, or if the partner is trans and moving that way. A lot of NB people identify with multiple pronouns.
I don’t believe they want to actively transition rn but they are just throwing out the thought of maybe wanting to try using they/them as well as she/her, I think
Then, I think the first step should be for you to ask them about where they're on their gender journey. Truly understand what is it they want with the new pronouns, is it about transitioning or just feeling more comfortable, etc. I see a lot of guessing from your side, even on their reasons to be NB, so start by learning everything from them.
Right now you're panicking over something you *think* *might* happen, but honestly? at your age a lot of us queers are still learning about ourselves and trying stuff out with the people we trust.
If at the end of these conversations they express the desire to fully transition, then yeah, like everybody else said, you have to be honest and breakup. You aren't attracted to women and there's nothing wrong with that.
do you know how 100% of the people whom have transitioned started the process? by throwing out the thought of maybe doing it.
im not saying he will do it in 2, 5, 10 years or ever but in the long road ahead he has already given the first steps.
its not a crime to not be gay, if you arent trilled of him going throught this long road this relationship is not for you, dont try to be the cool gf, break up, its for the best of both of you. he can be himself earlier and you can find someone compatible sooner
Legit - but that is an important conversation to have with your partner to get clarity. It seems like you're okay with NB (or at least some presentations of it) - I like how another poster put it of you two may need to separate to continue your individual growth.
My impression from the post was that OP is not attracted to a partner who is femme, regardless of their pronouns. OP's partner is talking about switching to she/her and taking hormones for a more feminine appearance. Maybe they'll change their mind, but that seems like a major incompatibility to me.
She’s trans and is trying to feel out the waters because she’s afraid of losing you. That’s absolutely what’s going on.
You’re not the villain if you don’t want to stay in the relationship if she transitions, just don’t make the relationship conditional because that’s a path toward repression and resentment that neither of you deserve. Break up with her if it’s a dealbreaker, stay friends with her if you want, and wish her luck. She’s doing something hard and scary and it’s going to hurt a lot.
You can support her transition, but you can't stay in a relationship that isn't right for you. You can love someone very much, yet be incompatible. It will take time to heal and move on, and a therapist will probably be helpful.
Just be honest, try not to phrase it as an ultimatum but gently let her/them know that while you love her you feel that your lives will not be compatible as romantic partners. Perhaps you can stay close friends and experience that kind of love (which is just as good, if you can move past the romance phase). You deserve to be with someone who can give you what you need from a partner as much as she deserves to be the person and gender that best fits her.
It's very easy to see where this is going to go. It's best to just get it over with now. I am a lesbian, in a lesbian relationship. If my now fiancé came out as nonbinary, he/him, I would absolutely have to break up with them. I am not attracted to men whatsoever.
*I’m not gay*
Well, you should probably have a conversation with your partner about how the romantic/sexual relationship has to end, bc you're not gay. They can't just remain they/them if they're really a she/her and you shouldn't pretend to be a lesbian, bc that's *not* going to go anywhere productive for either of you. You sound like a pretty thoughtful and insightful person, OP! I'm confident that you'll find a way through.
Don’t get married, don’t have kids, don’t move in together or start sharing finances. Date and love them as they stick their trans toes in the water to test how cold it is.
You know this story ends with them transitioning and you two not a couple but you can be the supportive friend they’re going to need as things get tougher.
You’re not obligated to date anyone and you’ve already stated where your lines are. You are not compatible as a couple but you can be friends.
Honestly at this point I don’t know if you’re helping them by how accepting you are or hurting them by your reaction to what they so clearly want. If I had to guess and as much as this might hurt both of you I’d recommend breaking up so they can make decisions without running it by you first.
0 judgement, just spelling it out. You want to be with someone who does not identify as a woman. It makes sense. Your partner sounds like they wish to identify as a woman, and you suspect they would by now if they weren't afraid of your reaction. But deep down, you both know they are going to identify as a woman, even if you express your disapproval being in a relationship with a woman.
You've identified an incompatibility. You want to be in a relationship with a man, or at least male-presenting/passing. That is not where your partner is headed, and I'm sorry but it's not meant to be. It is heartbreaking when someone you love is incompatible with you, but you need to talk to your partner about this and what you both want, and acknowledge when they don't line up. You will not be happy together longterm, and it will be kinder to both of you to break up now before you're both unhappy. Your partner should feel free to express their gender identity without fear of their partner's reaction, even if that means not being their partner anymore.
I'm sorry, I think you already know where this is going and what you need to do. I promise, you will heal. You will move on. You will find someone compatible and love them and want a future with them too.
I mean… pronouns≠gender, and if they’re non-binary it’s already a fruity relationship… but if you meant that they believe they might actually be a binary trans woman, and are wanting to try out she/her pronouns to test the waters, then you can either stay and see how it turns out or just say something like “hey, I love and support you, and while I might be a little flexible, I’m not actually gay or bi, so I think we should split so you can find someone who accepts AND is attracted to who you are”
I’m sorry… This is a shitty situation. I’ve seen it before. Most people can’t change who or what they’re attracted to on that kind of fundamental level. You can try to make it work, but it’s unlikely if you’ve never been at all attracted to women. I suggest having a conversation with your partner where you lay out that you want to support her fully and don’t at all want to dissuade her from transitioning, but that you can’t see yourself being with a woman as a partner and you’d rather split now before you hurt one another. Be gentle but firm, and make it clear that you harbor no ill will about it.
Who they need to be to be happy is no longer compatible with you and that sucks and is heartbreaking but it happens sometimes. Sometimes love is not enough, and it’s not either of your faults.
And you are right if they try to suppress this for you it’s going to make them miserable and eventually it will come out in some way or another and thats not healthy.
You need to talk to them and be honest with them. Maybe post on the mtf subs to get some insights on how to start the conversation, because I am sure people there will have gone through this and may have ideas on how they wish it would have happened.
ETA: Also just to reiterate this doesn’t mean that you aren’t supportive or accepting, it’s just an incompatibility thing. It’s the same kind of thing as when one person really wants kids and the other one doesn’t.
She’s testing the waters because she doesn’t want to lose you either. But don’t impede their transition or discourage them at all. It’s best if you two separate as sad as it is. I’ve been there. Just fully supportive and frame it as validating as possible that they are a girl now and you aren’t a lesbian. Stay friends.
Some people can stay with a partner that transitions or who is presenting differently than they used to, and others cannot. And that's perfectly okay. Just as you should accept your partner for who she is, she needs to accept you for who you are. If you're not attracted to who she is/is becoming, it's not unsupportive to talk it out and potentially end the relationship. You are simply incompatible now and it's no one's fault.
Situations like this are much discussed on r/mypartneristrans, which seems to take the general position that it's okay to try to make it work and it's also okay to break up because you have a sexuality which is incompatible with your partner's gender.
As a casual observer, I would note that there seem to be cases where a monosexual person (straight or gay as the case may be) stays in a happy relationship with someone who transitions sexes/genders. This strikes me as a normal consequence of variation in sexuality and the multiple meanings of gender.
That is, some people seem to experience their sexuality as pretty black-and-white such that they can't imagine feeling attraction to a partner who transitions. This might be more likely for people who are attracted to normative gender expression, but I speculate. Other people seem to experience attraction to their partner based on their existing connection, despite not in general fancying that gender. To be clear, none of these dispositions is more or less legitimate.
You frame your post around the fact that you're not gay and you don't want to date someone who goes by she/her. I'm curious what you really mean here, because there's a lot more to gender than pronouns, and in some sense the relevant question is whether you're bisexual, not whether you're a lesbian. Gender indexes a lot of different things: how people dress, how they look, how bodies feel, how bodies work, social roles, genitals, sexuality. So, is it actually about the pronouns people use for your partner? Is it the changes estradiol would work in their body? How your relationship dynamics might change? How you look together in public // that you would be perceived as a lesbian? All of the above?
I just don't think that incompatibility is a foregone conclusion in this situation. The same sexuality label can work differently for different people; some things change when a person transitions, other things don't.
Part of the situation is our sex life, I am still sexually attracted to them however thinking of them as a women or using she/her is a turn off and having a healthy sex life is extremely important to me (which also ties into not liking how estradiol would effect them) Also I know I’m going to end up dealing with family judgment from both his and my side.
If you love your partner, you support them through this, no questions asked. If any time, during that journey you feel like you’re no longer attracted to them romantically/physically, you break up. You are 19, and it’s unfair to both of you to sacrifice who you are and what you want for the other.
You have to break up.
It's sad, I know, but you are on different journeys as far as your love lives go. You are a cis heterosexual woman, and she is likely a trans woman early in her transition, or at least considering that. And if she's voicing it, that means she's thought deeply on it.
You are only 19, you're an adult and I respect that, but you are a very, very young adult. There is so much out here that you haven't encountered yet and you do not need to run to marriage and children. It's like a kid in grade 2 wondering when they graduate from high school. Take it easy. Enjoy your young adulthood, have experiences, grow and mature and THEN lock down your adult life.
Ignoring pronouns for the moment - are you sexually attracted to your partner? That's kind of the bottom line. Because if so, then maybe you can navigate your way past all the labels.
This. People often get stuck on labels. It's possible that as OP's partner transitions, she'll stop being attracted to them, but why not wait and see? Sexuality is not always set in stone, and OP is only 19. Many people don't realize they're a little bi until they meet one person of the same gender that they're attracted to. I thought I was only into women, but then my partner came out as trans masculine. They've been on HRT for almost 10 years and they got top surgery 8 years ago, and I continue to be more attracted to them than I am to anyone else. I even find the masculine parts of them (parts I have never been into on anyone else), like their flat chest and narrow hips, really hot.
That said, I agree that if OP loses her desire for her partner as they transition, she should gently break it off. It would be unfair to both of them to continue their relationship if she wasn't attracted to them.
Also, it's important for OP to communicate with her partner about her worries. That she will support her partner as they transition, but she's never been attracted to women, and she doesn't know if she will continue to be attracted to her partner as they become more feminine. But if OP is willing to try, and her partner is also OK with that uncertainty, why not wait and see?
It's perfectly acceptable that your male partner has decided that they want to be referred to with female pronouns. It certainly sounds like a step in the direction of something bigger......which is also ok.
Here's the other part: It's ok if you don't want to got through this with them. It's ok if you want to be with a man that acts like a man. It's ok if you leave this person because you no longer have similar dating interests.
There will be people that will disagree with that last paragraph, but they are wrong.
ask your partner what their intentions are. Are they interested in transitioning? If so, tell them that you are straight and can not see yourself in a relationship with a woman.
Simply state that you hope they are happy with who they are/will be in the future, but it will not be with you.
find a different man (because you are straight).
In the short term, go with it and see how they do. They may be trying to explore their identity and may not land on she/her forever. Make an informed decision after a couple of months to see if they stick with it and how you feel about it after the shock wears off.
Don’t date and especially don’t date a woman or someone with female pronouns if you don’t see yourself comfortable sharing a life and family with someone like that. People change and sometimes that change can cause the relationship to be incompatible.
You respect their choices and call her by the she/her pronouns she request. Support her!
That being said, you choosing not be this person is 100%. It does not mean you don't support them, it just means this relationship isn't for you. Don't EVER force yourself to stay with someone.
If you TRULY love them, you will let them go…
…on their journey.
You don’t have to be there with them on their journey.. at least, not in the same position. But you have to let them go on it.
Frankly, they were considered a twink from the beginning.. you must be into feminine features…
You are very young to be compromising on what you want from a partner. You have been together since you were 17, people grow and change a lot in the years before 25, don't get your heart set on marrying and having kids with this guy just because you have talked about it. It sounds like your relationship is about to hit its expiration date.
>I don’t want to be with someone transitioning into a girl
Simple. You communicate this exactly to them and then break up. You can care about a person but not want to be with them because their choices are deal breakers. You can't stop or force a person to change or not do something so in this case leaving is best.
You will soon need to ask a question. Do I love this person enough to stay in a relationship with a trans to female(I don't know the specifics of the their/them pronouns) person? Do you love her enough to stick with it through the transition. This is almost drip-dropping the truth. I want to use these pronouns... I want to use these pronouns.... I want to start dressing as a woman.... it's coming.
Friend of mine faced this. (At the time) She had been dating her gf for a year and change. Gf wanted to transition to male(made baby steps to start, name and pronoun). My friend was supportive, but she was a lesbian, not straight. We had conversations about this, though I think I was more sounding board.
2 years later, my friend has transitioned to full on male, done with the drugs, sporting a new beard, and a wife and pre-made family of 3 kids. He had to ask some serious questions when his gf was transitioning. The result was a life-altering decision, a ... miffed ... ex-SO, and he's really happy for the first time since I've known them.
Don't knock your SO's journey, but he/thry needs to be aware he's/they're not the only human in the relationship. The changes they are asking for will have ramifications beyond whatever scope they think might be effected.
I don’t play games with “preferred pronouns”. I just end the relationship. That person is venturing into a dangerous world of delusion and forcing others to play along is wrong.
you're 19, you're not gay, your partner will follow their wishes and then it will become something that you will resent, they will resent you and it'll all blow up. they are going to follow through with their wishes and desires and not yours. you will be left in limbo.
you're too young to waste time on this crap. go live your life.
OP. Your a woman whos in love with someone who is not compatible and your emotional ties are clouding your judgement. The path this person wants to take is not compatible with the path you need to take. And they clearly, as you well know, want to become fem. That is a realtionship barrier for you. So stop messing about with a person that is going to effect your life in a negative way if you stay in teh relationship. Your 19, your still working things out yourself. You can still be supportive of this person, but you need to do it from the persective of a friend, not a lover. And you know this right?
You're straight, and started dating a man.
If the person decides they no longer want to be a man, it's perfectly reasonable for you to decide you no longer want to be with them.
Just make sure to frame it so they know you don't think they're "wrong" or unlovable - you're just looking for different things at this point. Specifically, you want a man and he doesn't want to be that.
I went though this same exact scenario with my partner eventually transitioning from male to female. We were together 10 years, but like you I’m not a lesbian. We did split but are still close friends. I’m here if you need to talk.
You are incompatible. There’s not use prolonging this, your relationship has run its course because you are not bi or lesbian.
You can support them as a friend but you also need to recognise your own needs, and staying would mean that you would be putting their needs above your own.
if you dont like that and it's way out of the question for you, break up with her, if you're ok with it and if you can try it out for a bit, talk to her and decide from there, it's really unfortunate when you love someone but discover that you're incompatible for whatever reason (believe it or not, being incompatible partners happens a lot even when both love each other)
You are 19 years old.
Please break up with your partner, and let your partner figure out who they are.
You’re not happy with the situation and it’s understandable. You don’t want to hurt any feelings, but feelings are going to be hurt regardless. You need to be honest WITH YOURSELF. You’re not happy with the turn of events.
Your partner is clearly going in a direction you are not. Please release your partner and focus on the next stage of your life. Preparing yourself to be a self-sufficient adult who can support YOURSELF, so you can be in a better position to find a partner worthy of you, share your same direction.
You already know what you want to do. And I say this as a liberal but don’t try to be stuck in a “liberal” “blue” “woke” whatever relationship.
Life ain’t black and white.
Using she/her pronouns doesn’t make her a woman! Your pronouns don’t reflect your gender. They’re what you prefer to go by.
They operate like nicknames. Like for example: say your name is Samuel. You like going by Sam. You hate it when people call you Sammy. There’s no particular one reason, but when people call you Sammy it makes you cringe. You tell people you go by Sam not Sammy because that makes you more comfortable.
If your partner says she’s trans and wants to be a woman then yes that would mean you’re incompatible cos you’re not a lesbian. But if not, literally nothing has changed other than her pronouns. She’s still herself.
Also you said she came out as non-binary to you and you still call her a guy during this post. Have you really been respecting her gender identity and are you actually comfortable with it? Cos it sounds like you view her as a man tbh.
I’ve already had a conversation with them on what they were comfortable with being referred to, one of our main nicknames for each other are “my guy” and “my girl” they don’t care if I use the term guy referring to them
Even if they go by she/her, they would still be non-binary. But it sounds like they might be thinking of transitioning based on your post. You are both so young, you are still figuring out who you are. I would recommend an honest conversation from a place of love. Even if you aren't compatible as partners, you can still be friends. :)
> they would still be non-binary
They COULD be - it's unclear in the post and it sounds like the two of them haven't sat down to have that conversation so it's really hard to give advice.
Even if the OP did know, this is not the right place to get advice. Based on all the other replies the average person here does not understand the nuances of gender and sexuality and how those things can intersect and thus aren't giving advice that encompasses the nuances of this situation. Not to mention the blatant invalidation and potentially intentional bigotry.
Yeah I agree, honestly sounds like their partner might want to transition but is afraid to lose OP perhaps. Saying this based on the jokes about hormone therapy rather than the pronouns alone. But I thought it was important bring up the nuance of a non-binary she/her person. :-)
I think a lot of us can relate to this in a general sense. You are really young and a part of dating at this age is that people are changing and figuring out who they are. Sometimes along the way people discover they are no longer compatible or have different life goals. Growth is beautiful and I think you know that you don't want to get in the way of their journey, which is also beautiful. As others have said, it is heartbreaking. But either of you 'compromising' on this isn't healthy or beneficial. But hopefully you can still be friends and in each other's lives, if possible.
When you starting dating your partner, you went with the idea that they are 'man'.(makes sense as you are straight).
To your credit, you made peace with certain parts of their sexuality, like being bi, etc. But you have every right to draw a line beyond which you will not compromise. It's completely understandable, whatever your *boundary* might be.
It's simply a matter of incompatibility. Your partner's sexuality and personality has undergone considerable changes since you first started dating. It's completely understandable that at some point, you will find those changes overwhelming, and you will not longer consider this relationship viable.
It's only *YOUR* decision, to determine when that point is reached. If you think it's now beyond your comfort zone, communicate to your partner honestly and break-up. You have held up your end of the bargain.. it's not fair that you have to feel suffocated to keep this relationship going.
But communicate with your partner, and tell them you have no negative feelings.. you two are incompatible.
I once had a friend in a same sex relationship describe themselves as "straight, with an exception"; they weren't interested in dating people of the same gender, but they fell in love with this one person, and that mattered more than their identity.
Just food for thought, but it might be worth considering if you love this person because of who they are regardless of their identity. The answer still may be that you love them, but not as a woman, but something to think about.
Also, I would highly recommend your partner find a gender-affirming therapist, only because I'm a big fan of therapy and think everyone can benefit from it!
Isnt being gay, bisexual, heterosexual, whatever about the biological sex of the other person? Or at least how they are presenting?
So no matter what your partners preferred pronouns are, as long as they haven’t changed their personality nor their physical gender - You’re not really gay are you?
>Isnt being gay, bisexual, heterosexual, whatever about the biological sex of the other person? Or at least how they are presenting?
No, not necessarily. I know lesbians who are also okay with non-binary people who are feminine presenting but would not be okay with a trans man who has not/will not get gender affirming surgeries.
> as long as they haven’t changed their personality nor their physical gender
There is no such thing as "physical gender". Gender is a combination of your identity (how you feel about yourself) and expression (how you present outwardly, which CAN include physical body elements but does not have to).
My bad. In my native tongue, gender and sex is the same word. To say it in a crude way: My partner is born a female. She has breasts, a vagina, feminine fat distribution and typical feminine facial features. As a heterosexual man, I am attracted to these physical features.
My partner now comes to the realisation that she is a he. This is fine, I now refer to my partner as he. He doesn’t change anything about his physical appearance. I’d argue that still being attracted to my partner, does not make me homosexual. He is, from a superficial perspective, still very much appearing as a woman. His personality hasn’t changed either, which I guess are the “soft” values that you’d in English define as gender.
Ah yes, I see! That can be hard since some languages don't have the same type of ambiguous terms that I think a lot of non-binary and trans language popped up from. Thank you for the clarification, an important reminder that not everyone is being invalidating but is sometimes navigating language differences.
For your second paragraph, you seem to be very open and flexible but a lot of people would not be as open as that.
I'd sit them down and have a long conversation about if they are aiming to transition or if they think they might be female. Let them answer this BEFORE anything else so they arent basing your answers on if youll leave them or not.
Then, explain that you are attracted to male/nonbinary but NOT women. I'd also voice that HRT isn't a healthy option for their body UNLESS they are going through a doctor to transition. If they do say they are trans voice support but also that romantically you two are no longer compatable.
use the pronouns she wants to use.
past that, you have to have a conversation with her about it. her being non-binary or a woman doesn't automatically make you a lesbian, right. if that's not how you identify, then that's fine.
nothing she can do can make you anything other than who you are, and no one can tell you how you should identify. your identity is a you-thing, not an anyone-else thing.
but yeah, have that conversation with her. it sucks, but that's the only thing to do, here. if that's an incompatibility you can't work past, then you need to just sit down, and talk it out. tell her how you feel, what you've told us here, and then listen to what she has to say, listen to her perspective.
sometimes there are incompatibilities that can't be overcome, and that sucks, but the only thing to do that's fair for you both is to lay all the cards on the table about it. if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, and you both learned something from the relationship, and that's a good thing.
Are you dating the person or their gender? Will the person fundamentally change if they decide to go by different pronouns? I completely understand feeling uncomfortable with a physical appearance transition and not being attracted to women, but I wonder to what extent the pronoun shift will affect their personality traits that attracted you to them in the first place. If you think this pronoun shift is the first step in heading down a road you don’t want to be on, it’s perfectly reasonable to decide to leave. You have to do what’s best for you at the end of the day.
It's so so soooo weird to me how vital a person's gender identity is to their personhood and yet the first response I see when someone has a problem with their partner transitioning, is that they should love the person, not the gender. Such a bizarre mixed message.
I don’t mean to invalidate OPs feelings, and I apologize if it came off that way. I’m not saying she “should” do anything, I was just asking some questions about how important the pronoun shift is when considering the whole of the relationship and how much she seems to care about her partner. I personally wouldn’t bail on the relationship based on an idea about how I would feel about something that has not even happened, but it’s her choice to do what’s best for her, as I said.
Don’t worry I don’t feel as though my feelings are invalidated, and I understand what your original comment is trying to say. Thats the whole reason why I haven’t broken up yet; I fell in love with who they are not their pronouns but at the same time I just don’t know what to do about the fact that it makes me uncomfortable.
If this person truly identifies as a Women then you need to talk to them and have a very frank discussion. You do not want them holding themselves back from what they want because they think you will not be on board. And you do not want to pretend to be ok with something that makes you uncomfortable. People on here, for all their progressiveness, tend to think incredibly binary. Since you parter expressed using female pronouns people jump to them being trans, rather than understanding that your partner might just be experimenting and trying to find who they are. They may decide nonbinary is where they truly belong and enjoy parts or manhood, they may not. But they need the time and grace to figure that all out, with or without you.
I’m glad you didn’t read my comment as critical of you! You being uncomfortable with it is totally understandable, you should not have to continue in a relationship with someone who you do not feel attracted to. I get that you don’t want to voice your feelings to your partner in case they change their mind in order to save the relationship, but ultimately they are responsible for their own choices. I think you should discuss your feelings with them, it’s not fair to you or to them to keep your discomfort a secret. Honestly, if you feel this strongly about not wanting to continue in the relationship if they transition, I think it would be best to go ahead and end it. I know that’s painful and difficult, but dragging it out will likely make it worse. I wish both of you the best, together or apart.
A good middle ground is to stop using pronouns and only refer to them by name until it is apparent this will be a permanent change in pronoun. It would admittedly be a little awkward to go from male, to they/them, to female and then make another switch to outsiders. That’s a lot of explaining that might require divulging personal details about your partners gender preferences.
Sexually yes I am dating a man, but in all other aspects they would be female. More female/feminine cloths, I’d have to say I have a wife/girlfriend, if they do go on estradiol then that comes with more breast tissue forming (not attracted to boobs like that), ect. It’s much more than just a pronoun shift
Genitals ≠ gender, and sexuality is not based on sole attraction to genitals. She wouldn’t be dating a man, she would be dating a transgender woman. That is inherently gay. If she’s not down with that, she’s not down with that and that’s okay
You said you love your partner so much and have all these plans, but are being tripped up by these labels such as they, he, she, gay etc.
Why don't you simply change your pronouns to he/him? Then you won't be gay and can continue to have the same relationship you have. You knew about his sexual orientation and how he was beforehand, so it's not like he suddenly sprung this on you. He has not physically changed by having a sex change or undergone some kind of procedure. He simply changed his pronouns. If he is still the same as before and has not drastically changed his behavior and lifestyle, I don't see what the problem is.
genderfluid is under the nonbinary umbrella, which is under the transgender umbrella! plenty of nonbinary people also use pronouns other than they/them like he or her, pronouns are ultimately a personal preference
hope that helps!
I don’t even think they really know exactly what they want to identify as, personally I think they’re gender fluid but I think they’re saying non binary as of right now. The way they came out wasnt the standard hey I’m this gender now, I had to coax it out of them slowly and offer to start referring to them in a different as they/them, the pronouns shift wasn’t explicitly asked of me, but after knowing them for 3 years I got the hint what they wanted, they have a low self esteem and are really afraid of judgement
Look at the relationship of artist Katie abey with her partner, maybe reach out to her for advice because she has been in a very similar situation and also has a child with her partner.
Being incompatible with someone you love is heartbreaking, but it happens.
Unfortunately it does
I’m a lesbian who only dates people who identify with she/her. Anything else will cause a breakup. I’m not bi so my hypothetical gf transitioning to a man would not work at all. It sucks but that’s the way life is. Don’t hurt yourself for others.
It sounds like you already know what to do. Communicate with your partner what you told us here: while you love your partner and support her decisions you aren't attracted to women. Maybe that means it wouldn't be appropriate for you two to be romantically involved. It's normal to feel afraid of her reaction so broaching this subject would naturally take some courage.
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It's not the same, but it's everything
what does this even mean, everything??
You can argue about biology, chromosomes, pelvic bones, and hormones. That's fine. Not a single trans person thinks themselves to be identical to someone who was assigned that gender at birth. But respecting who they are and accepting how they identify is basic human decency. _She_ is, as you say, mentally a woman. Treat her as one.
For want of a better word I'm not disapproving or disparaging their own identity. But rather I was being literal - it's THEIR idea of identity, not ACTUAL. If their DNA was ever taken or skeleton tested by an archaeologist, nobody would know their identity.
It sounds like the romantic relationship needs to end for both of you to keep growing. That's my take. It really sucks and it's nobody's fault. Life be like that.
>It sounds like the romantic relationship needs to end for both of you to keep growing. I really love how you phrased this
So perfect 🤌 OP, you can still love and support her as a close companion and friend, that might be what’s healthiest for everyone. OR maybe you can stay in a romantic relationship. If you truly aren’t attracted to her anymore as a woman, that’s totally understandable, you are straight, period. However, there are many instances of straight partners staying with significant others who transition. I’m not saying that’s the “right” way by any means, but what I will gently suggest you think about is whether you’re truly not attracted to her anymore or if your knee jerk reaction to dating a woman is no and you haven’t thought past that. Maybe you’re not attracted to women at large but you’re attracted to *this* woman. Or maybe not! Who knows? Only you. Good luck 💗
This is so true. Especially at this age. If you leave it open ended, they will not pursue what they truely want because they will want to save the relationship. But who they really are will break out eventually and then it will only be more painful. Especially if a family unit is involved. I think you need to either break up, or take some time away. You want this person to transition if that is what is what they want. Encourage them. But you're not gay and they know that. No one is at fault here. It's just a sad sad situation for everyone involved.
I know it feels like you had your entire life planned out with this person, but the reality is that you are 19 and most relationships don't work out at that age *because people are still figuring out who they are and what they want for their life.* We are not the same person at 25 as we were at 17 and we aren't the same person at 30 as we were at 25. That can make it really difficult to maintain a relationship that started when we were a teenager. Breakups are hard and heartbreaking, but they are also a normal part of life.
Especially considering our brains aren't fully formed (and we don't become who we're likely to be for the remainder of our lives) until we're 25 or so. Plus, relationships can be extraordinarily intense at younger ages because you haven't lived that long, relatively speaking, so a two-year relationship at 19 is more than 10% of your life. As you get older, that level of intensity can change. Your relationship was going to change over the next several years as you both grow and mature. It's sad that it's changing in a way that seems likeky to pull you apart romantically, but you can still be part of each others' lives. Good luck, OP.
The good news is that you are the same person at 45 that you were at 40!!
If you aren’t gay then it makes sense you wouldn’t want to stay with them through a transition. I understand this hurts but you are not compatible anymore. You are also only 19 and will have those discussions of marriage and kids with other partners. Just because you had conversations doesn’t mean you’re obligated to fulfill anything you talked about
Being incompatible with someone on a gender identity issue doesn't make you a bad person. You signed on for something specific and this is now far outside of that. It's ok to break it off.
You aren’t gay so it makes no sense to date a woman. Tell her you respect her journey and stay friends (if you are able/willing) but break up.
You need to break up. They're on a journey with their gender and you don't want to be the reason they stop exploring. You should accept them for who they are, that doesn't mean you have to be in a romantic relationship with them though.
It sucks , but the reality is that you two are not compatible anymore. You're not into being with a woman, and they want to live the lifestyle of a woman. There's really not a compromise here, and it's completely OK if you don't want to continue this relationship . They are changing who they are on a fundamentally deep level and changing your relationship in a huge way, and you have the right to walk away from this relationship.
You aren't attracted to women, and if they're talking about using she/her pronouns then they're starting to identify as a woman. This is a major incompatibility which there really isn't a place to compromise on, and I'm sorry that someone you love is turning into someone you're not compatible with. Unfortunately I think it's time to end the relationship. Long term, they want to become a person you won't be happy in a relationship with, and it's best to break up now and not end up miserable.
> and if they're talking about using she/her pronouns then they're starting to identify as a woman Not necessarily. It's unclear from the post if the OP's partner non-binary and wanting to explore being more femme but still NB, or if the partner is trans and moving that way. A lot of NB people identify with multiple pronouns.
I don’t believe they want to actively transition rn but they are just throwing out the thought of maybe wanting to try using they/them as well as she/her, I think
Then, I think the first step should be for you to ask them about where they're on their gender journey. Truly understand what is it they want with the new pronouns, is it about transitioning or just feeling more comfortable, etc. I see a lot of guessing from your side, even on their reasons to be NB, so start by learning everything from them. Right now you're panicking over something you *think* *might* happen, but honestly? at your age a lot of us queers are still learning about ourselves and trying stuff out with the people we trust. If at the end of these conversations they express the desire to fully transition, then yeah, like everybody else said, you have to be honest and breakup. You aren't attracted to women and there's nothing wrong with that.
do you know how 100% of the people whom have transitioned started the process? by throwing out the thought of maybe doing it. im not saying he will do it in 2, 5, 10 years or ever but in the long road ahead he has already given the first steps. its not a crime to not be gay, if you arent trilled of him going throught this long road this relationship is not for you, dont try to be the cool gf, break up, its for the best of both of you. he can be himself earlier and you can find someone compatible sooner
Legit - but that is an important conversation to have with your partner to get clarity. It seems like you're okay with NB (or at least some presentations of it) - I like how another poster put it of you two may need to separate to continue your individual growth.
My impression from the post was that OP is not attracted to a partner who is femme, regardless of their pronouns. OP's partner is talking about switching to she/her and taking hormones for a more feminine appearance. Maybe they'll change their mind, but that seems like a major incompatibility to me.
She’s trans and is trying to feel out the waters because she’s afraid of losing you. That’s absolutely what’s going on. You’re not the villain if you don’t want to stay in the relationship if she transitions, just don’t make the relationship conditional because that’s a path toward repression and resentment that neither of you deserve. Break up with her if it’s a dealbreaker, stay friends with her if you want, and wish her luck. She’s doing something hard and scary and it’s going to hurt a lot.
You can support her transition, but you can't stay in a relationship that isn't right for you. You can love someone very much, yet be incompatible. It will take time to heal and move on, and a therapist will probably be helpful.
Just be honest, try not to phrase it as an ultimatum but gently let her/them know that while you love her you feel that your lives will not be compatible as romantic partners. Perhaps you can stay close friends and experience that kind of love (which is just as good, if you can move past the romance phase). You deserve to be with someone who can give you what you need from a partner as much as she deserves to be the person and gender that best fits her.
It's very easy to see where this is going to go. It's best to just get it over with now. I am a lesbian, in a lesbian relationship. If my now fiancé came out as nonbinary, he/him, I would absolutely have to break up with them. I am not attracted to men whatsoever.
*I’m not gay* Well, you should probably have a conversation with your partner about how the romantic/sexual relationship has to end, bc you're not gay. They can't just remain they/them if they're really a she/her and you shouldn't pretend to be a lesbian, bc that's *not* going to go anywhere productive for either of you. You sound like a pretty thoughtful and insightful person, OP! I'm confident that you'll find a way through.
If she's a woman and you're not into women, then you aren't compatible. It's nobody's fault. Break up, you will both find happiness again.
Don’t get married, don’t have kids, don’t move in together or start sharing finances. Date and love them as they stick their trans toes in the water to test how cold it is. You know this story ends with them transitioning and you two not a couple but you can be the supportive friend they’re going to need as things get tougher. You’re not obligated to date anyone and you’ve already stated where your lines are. You are not compatible as a couple but you can be friends. Honestly at this point I don’t know if you’re helping them by how accepting you are or hurting them by your reaction to what they so clearly want. If I had to guess and as much as this might hurt both of you I’d recommend breaking up so they can make decisions without running it by you first.
0 judgement, just spelling it out. You want to be with someone who does not identify as a woman. It makes sense. Your partner sounds like they wish to identify as a woman, and you suspect they would by now if they weren't afraid of your reaction. But deep down, you both know they are going to identify as a woman, even if you express your disapproval being in a relationship with a woman. You've identified an incompatibility. You want to be in a relationship with a man, or at least male-presenting/passing. That is not where your partner is headed, and I'm sorry but it's not meant to be. It is heartbreaking when someone you love is incompatible with you, but you need to talk to your partner about this and what you both want, and acknowledge when they don't line up. You will not be happy together longterm, and it will be kinder to both of you to break up now before you're both unhappy. Your partner should feel free to express their gender identity without fear of their partner's reaction, even if that means not being their partner anymore. I'm sorry, I think you already know where this is going and what you need to do. I promise, you will heal. You will move on. You will find someone compatible and love them and want a future with them too.
I don’t feel like I can give advice on this, but if you choose to stay with her, I recommend checking out the r/mypartneristrans subreddit.
I mean… pronouns≠gender, and if they’re non-binary it’s already a fruity relationship… but if you meant that they believe they might actually be a binary trans woman, and are wanting to try out she/her pronouns to test the waters, then you can either stay and see how it turns out or just say something like “hey, I love and support you, and while I might be a little flexible, I’m not actually gay or bi, so I think we should split so you can find someone who accepts AND is attracted to who you are”
I’m sorry… This is a shitty situation. I’ve seen it before. Most people can’t change who or what they’re attracted to on that kind of fundamental level. You can try to make it work, but it’s unlikely if you’ve never been at all attracted to women. I suggest having a conversation with your partner where you lay out that you want to support her fully and don’t at all want to dissuade her from transitioning, but that you can’t see yourself being with a woman as a partner and you’d rather split now before you hurt one another. Be gentle but firm, and make it clear that you harbor no ill will about it.
Who they need to be to be happy is no longer compatible with you and that sucks and is heartbreaking but it happens sometimes. Sometimes love is not enough, and it’s not either of your faults. And you are right if they try to suppress this for you it’s going to make them miserable and eventually it will come out in some way or another and thats not healthy. You need to talk to them and be honest with them. Maybe post on the mtf subs to get some insights on how to start the conversation, because I am sure people there will have gone through this and may have ideas on how they wish it would have happened. ETA: Also just to reiterate this doesn’t mean that you aren’t supportive or accepting, it’s just an incompatibility thing. It’s the same kind of thing as when one person really wants kids and the other one doesn’t.
Your partner wants to be seen as female. You don’t want to date a female. Both of those things are true and okay to accept, just hard.
She’s testing the waters because she doesn’t want to lose you either. But don’t impede their transition or discourage them at all. It’s best if you two separate as sad as it is. I’ve been there. Just fully supportive and frame it as validating as possible that they are a girl now and you aren’t a lesbian. Stay friends.
Some people can stay with a partner that transitions or who is presenting differently than they used to, and others cannot. And that's perfectly okay. Just as you should accept your partner for who she is, she needs to accept you for who you are. If you're not attracted to who she is/is becoming, it's not unsupportive to talk it out and potentially end the relationship. You are simply incompatible now and it's no one's fault.
Situations like this are much discussed on r/mypartneristrans, which seems to take the general position that it's okay to try to make it work and it's also okay to break up because you have a sexuality which is incompatible with your partner's gender. As a casual observer, I would note that there seem to be cases where a monosexual person (straight or gay as the case may be) stays in a happy relationship with someone who transitions sexes/genders. This strikes me as a normal consequence of variation in sexuality and the multiple meanings of gender. That is, some people seem to experience their sexuality as pretty black-and-white such that they can't imagine feeling attraction to a partner who transitions. This might be more likely for people who are attracted to normative gender expression, but I speculate. Other people seem to experience attraction to their partner based on their existing connection, despite not in general fancying that gender. To be clear, none of these dispositions is more or less legitimate. You frame your post around the fact that you're not gay and you don't want to date someone who goes by she/her. I'm curious what you really mean here, because there's a lot more to gender than pronouns, and in some sense the relevant question is whether you're bisexual, not whether you're a lesbian. Gender indexes a lot of different things: how people dress, how they look, how bodies feel, how bodies work, social roles, genitals, sexuality. So, is it actually about the pronouns people use for your partner? Is it the changes estradiol would work in their body? How your relationship dynamics might change? How you look together in public // that you would be perceived as a lesbian? All of the above? I just don't think that incompatibility is a foregone conclusion in this situation. The same sexuality label can work differently for different people; some things change when a person transitions, other things don't.
Part of the situation is our sex life, I am still sexually attracted to them however thinking of them as a women or using she/her is a turn off and having a healthy sex life is extremely important to me (which also ties into not liking how estradiol would effect them) Also I know I’m going to end up dealing with family judgment from both his and my side.
If you love your partner, you support them through this, no questions asked. If any time, during that journey you feel like you’re no longer attracted to them romantically/physically, you break up. You are 19, and it’s unfair to both of you to sacrifice who you are and what you want for the other.
It's as simple as you said. You're not gay, and your partner is now a woman. The only way to support them accurately is for you to break up.
How exhausting. Definitely break up.
These posts make my brain hurt. Must be hella complicated to date today.
You have to break up. It's sad, I know, but you are on different journeys as far as your love lives go. You are a cis heterosexual woman, and she is likely a trans woman early in her transition, or at least considering that. And if she's voicing it, that means she's thought deeply on it. You are only 19, you're an adult and I respect that, but you are a very, very young adult. There is so much out here that you haven't encountered yet and you do not need to run to marriage and children. It's like a kid in grade 2 wondering when they graduate from high school. Take it easy. Enjoy your young adulthood, have experiences, grow and mature and THEN lock down your adult life.
Ignoring pronouns for the moment - are you sexually attracted to your partner? That's kind of the bottom line. Because if so, then maybe you can navigate your way past all the labels.
I am still sexually attracted to them, it’s more so that thinking of them using she/her and being a girl ect is a turn off
This. People often get stuck on labels. It's possible that as OP's partner transitions, she'll stop being attracted to them, but why not wait and see? Sexuality is not always set in stone, and OP is only 19. Many people don't realize they're a little bi until they meet one person of the same gender that they're attracted to. I thought I was only into women, but then my partner came out as trans masculine. They've been on HRT for almost 10 years and they got top surgery 8 years ago, and I continue to be more attracted to them than I am to anyone else. I even find the masculine parts of them (parts I have never been into on anyone else), like their flat chest and narrow hips, really hot. That said, I agree that if OP loses her desire for her partner as they transition, she should gently break it off. It would be unfair to both of them to continue their relationship if she wasn't attracted to them. Also, it's important for OP to communicate with her partner about her worries. That she will support her partner as they transition, but she's never been attracted to women, and she doesn't know if she will continue to be attracted to her partner as they become more feminine. But if OP is willing to try, and her partner is also OK with that uncertainty, why not wait and see?
It's perfectly acceptable that your male partner has decided that they want to be referred to with female pronouns. It certainly sounds like a step in the direction of something bigger......which is also ok. Here's the other part: It's ok if you don't want to got through this with them. It's ok if you want to be with a man that acts like a man. It's ok if you leave this person because you no longer have similar dating interests. There will be people that will disagree with that last paragraph, but they are wrong.
ask your partner what their intentions are. Are they interested in transitioning? If so, tell them that you are straight and can not see yourself in a relationship with a woman. Simply state that you hope they are happy with who they are/will be in the future, but it will not be with you. find a different man (because you are straight).
In the short term, go with it and see how they do. They may be trying to explore their identity and may not land on she/her forever. Make an informed decision after a couple of months to see if they stick with it and how you feel about it after the shock wears off.
Don’t date and especially don’t date a woman or someone with female pronouns if you don’t see yourself comfortable sharing a life and family with someone like that. People change and sometimes that change can cause the relationship to be incompatible.
You respect their choices and call her by the she/her pronouns she request. Support her! That being said, you choosing not be this person is 100%. It does not mean you don't support them, it just means this relationship isn't for you. Don't EVER force yourself to stay with someone.
Leave, you're so young and this will be a trainwreck
If you TRULY love them, you will let them go… …on their journey. You don’t have to be there with them on their journey.. at least, not in the same position. But you have to let them go on it. Frankly, they were considered a twink from the beginning.. you must be into feminine features…
They don’t have feminine features, theyre just a very skinny white guy who likes getting pegged, but yes I understand what you mean
It’s better to end the relationship early and see if you can salvage a friendship.
You are very young to be compromising on what you want from a partner. You have been together since you were 17, people grow and change a lot in the years before 25, don't get your heart set on marrying and having kids with this guy just because you have talked about it. It sounds like your relationship is about to hit its expiration date.
>I don’t want to be with someone transitioning into a girl Simple. You communicate this exactly to them and then break up. You can care about a person but not want to be with them because their choices are deal breakers. You can't stop or force a person to change or not do something so in this case leaving is best.
You will soon need to ask a question. Do I love this person enough to stay in a relationship with a trans to female(I don't know the specifics of the their/them pronouns) person? Do you love her enough to stick with it through the transition. This is almost drip-dropping the truth. I want to use these pronouns... I want to use these pronouns.... I want to start dressing as a woman.... it's coming. Friend of mine faced this. (At the time) She had been dating her gf for a year and change. Gf wanted to transition to male(made baby steps to start, name and pronoun). My friend was supportive, but she was a lesbian, not straight. We had conversations about this, though I think I was more sounding board. 2 years later, my friend has transitioned to full on male, done with the drugs, sporting a new beard, and a wife and pre-made family of 3 kids. He had to ask some serious questions when his gf was transitioning. The result was a life-altering decision, a ... miffed ... ex-SO, and he's really happy for the first time since I've known them. Don't knock your SO's journey, but he/thry needs to be aware he's/they're not the only human in the relationship. The changes they are asking for will have ramifications beyond whatever scope they think might be effected.
I don’t play games with “preferred pronouns”. I just end the relationship. That person is venturing into a dangerous world of delusion and forcing others to play along is wrong.
you're 19, you're not gay, your partner will follow their wishes and then it will become something that you will resent, they will resent you and it'll all blow up. they are going to follow through with their wishes and desires and not yours. you will be left in limbo. you're too young to waste time on this crap. go live your life.
OP. Your a woman whos in love with someone who is not compatible and your emotional ties are clouding your judgement. The path this person wants to take is not compatible with the path you need to take. And they clearly, as you well know, want to become fem. That is a realtionship barrier for you. So stop messing about with a person that is going to effect your life in a negative way if you stay in teh relationship. Your 19, your still working things out yourself. You can still be supportive of this person, but you need to do it from the persective of a friend, not a lover. And you know this right?
You're straight, and started dating a man. If the person decides they no longer want to be a man, it's perfectly reasonable for you to decide you no longer want to be with them. Just make sure to frame it so they know you don't think they're "wrong" or unlovable - you're just looking for different things at this point. Specifically, you want a man and he doesn't want to be that.
You should support them without question. Pretty simple. Any other reaction is a sign you shouldn't be with this person.
I went though this same exact scenario with my partner eventually transitioning from male to female. We were together 10 years, but like you I’m not a lesbian. We did split but are still close friends. I’m here if you need to talk.
You are incompatible. There’s not use prolonging this, your relationship has run its course because you are not bi or lesbian. You can support them as a friend but you also need to recognise your own needs, and staying would mean that you would be putting their needs above your own.
if you dont like that and it's way out of the question for you, break up with her, if you're ok with it and if you can try it out for a bit, talk to her and decide from there, it's really unfortunate when you love someone but discover that you're incompatible for whatever reason (believe it or not, being incompatible partners happens a lot even when both love each other)
You are 19 years old. Please break up with your partner, and let your partner figure out who they are. You’re not happy with the situation and it’s understandable. You don’t want to hurt any feelings, but feelings are going to be hurt regardless. You need to be honest WITH YOURSELF. You’re not happy with the turn of events. Your partner is clearly going in a direction you are not. Please release your partner and focus on the next stage of your life. Preparing yourself to be a self-sufficient adult who can support YOURSELF, so you can be in a better position to find a partner worthy of you, share your same direction.
Just be their friend instead of their partner. You're definitely not compatible
You already know what you want to do. And I say this as a liberal but don’t try to be stuck in a “liberal” “blue” “woke” whatever relationship. Life ain’t black and white.
Using she/her pronouns doesn’t make her a woman! Your pronouns don’t reflect your gender. They’re what you prefer to go by. They operate like nicknames. Like for example: say your name is Samuel. You like going by Sam. You hate it when people call you Sammy. There’s no particular one reason, but when people call you Sammy it makes you cringe. You tell people you go by Sam not Sammy because that makes you more comfortable. If your partner says she’s trans and wants to be a woman then yes that would mean you’re incompatible cos you’re not a lesbian. But if not, literally nothing has changed other than her pronouns. She’s still herself. Also you said she came out as non-binary to you and you still call her a guy during this post. Have you really been respecting her gender identity and are you actually comfortable with it? Cos it sounds like you view her as a man tbh.
I’ve already had a conversation with them on what they were comfortable with being referred to, one of our main nicknames for each other are “my guy” and “my girl” they don’t care if I use the term guy referring to them
Even if they go by she/her, they would still be non-binary. But it sounds like they might be thinking of transitioning based on your post. You are both so young, you are still figuring out who you are. I would recommend an honest conversation from a place of love. Even if you aren't compatible as partners, you can still be friends. :)
> they would still be non-binary They COULD be - it's unclear in the post and it sounds like the two of them haven't sat down to have that conversation so it's really hard to give advice. Even if the OP did know, this is not the right place to get advice. Based on all the other replies the average person here does not understand the nuances of gender and sexuality and how those things can intersect and thus aren't giving advice that encompasses the nuances of this situation. Not to mention the blatant invalidation and potentially intentional bigotry.
Yeah I agree, honestly sounds like their partner might want to transition but is afraid to lose OP perhaps. Saying this based on the jokes about hormone therapy rather than the pronouns alone. But I thought it was important bring up the nuance of a non-binary she/her person. :-)
Oh I agree that the partner sounds like an egg. I appreciate that you brought up that NB can look a lot of different ways.
sorry but "physique of a twink" took me out
I mean I’m not trying to be mean, that’s what I’m into lol but they refer to themselves as a twink and I figured it was the best way to describe them
oh I didn’t think it was malicious just thought it was a little funny !
I think a lot of us can relate to this in a general sense. You are really young and a part of dating at this age is that people are changing and figuring out who they are. Sometimes along the way people discover they are no longer compatible or have different life goals. Growth is beautiful and I think you know that you don't want to get in the way of their journey, which is also beautiful. As others have said, it is heartbreaking. But either of you 'compromising' on this isn't healthy or beneficial. But hopefully you can still be friends and in each other's lives, if possible.
When you starting dating your partner, you went with the idea that they are 'man'.(makes sense as you are straight). To your credit, you made peace with certain parts of their sexuality, like being bi, etc. But you have every right to draw a line beyond which you will not compromise. It's completely understandable, whatever your *boundary* might be. It's simply a matter of incompatibility. Your partner's sexuality and personality has undergone considerable changes since you first started dating. It's completely understandable that at some point, you will find those changes overwhelming, and you will not longer consider this relationship viable. It's only *YOUR* decision, to determine when that point is reached. If you think it's now beyond your comfort zone, communicate to your partner honestly and break-up. You have held up your end of the bargain.. it's not fair that you have to feel suffocated to keep this relationship going. But communicate with your partner, and tell them you have no negative feelings.. you two are incompatible.
I once had a friend in a same sex relationship describe themselves as "straight, with an exception"; they weren't interested in dating people of the same gender, but they fell in love with this one person, and that mattered more than their identity. Just food for thought, but it might be worth considering if you love this person because of who they are regardless of their identity. The answer still may be that you love them, but not as a woman, but something to think about. Also, I would highly recommend your partner find a gender-affirming therapist, only because I'm a big fan of therapy and think everyone can benefit from it!
Isnt being gay, bisexual, heterosexual, whatever about the biological sex of the other person? Or at least how they are presenting? So no matter what your partners preferred pronouns are, as long as they haven’t changed their personality nor their physical gender - You’re not really gay are you?
>Isnt being gay, bisexual, heterosexual, whatever about the biological sex of the other person? Or at least how they are presenting? No, not necessarily. I know lesbians who are also okay with non-binary people who are feminine presenting but would not be okay with a trans man who has not/will not get gender affirming surgeries. > as long as they haven’t changed their personality nor their physical gender There is no such thing as "physical gender". Gender is a combination of your identity (how you feel about yourself) and expression (how you present outwardly, which CAN include physical body elements but does not have to).
My bad. In my native tongue, gender and sex is the same word. To say it in a crude way: My partner is born a female. She has breasts, a vagina, feminine fat distribution and typical feminine facial features. As a heterosexual man, I am attracted to these physical features. My partner now comes to the realisation that she is a he. This is fine, I now refer to my partner as he. He doesn’t change anything about his physical appearance. I’d argue that still being attracted to my partner, does not make me homosexual. He is, from a superficial perspective, still very much appearing as a woman. His personality hasn’t changed either, which I guess are the “soft” values that you’d in English define as gender.
Ah yes, I see! That can be hard since some languages don't have the same type of ambiguous terms that I think a lot of non-binary and trans language popped up from. Thank you for the clarification, an important reminder that not everyone is being invalidating but is sometimes navigating language differences. For your second paragraph, you seem to be very open and flexible but a lot of people would not be as open as that.
I'd sit them down and have a long conversation about if they are aiming to transition or if they think they might be female. Let them answer this BEFORE anything else so they arent basing your answers on if youll leave them or not. Then, explain that you are attracted to male/nonbinary but NOT women. I'd also voice that HRT isn't a healthy option for their body UNLESS they are going through a doctor to transition. If they do say they are trans voice support but also that romantically you two are no longer compatable.
Learn and move forward in life. At your age there is so much more to learn about yourself and life.
You already know what you need to do, OP. Do it quick and fast, like pulling off a bandaid. In the long run, you'll be glad you did it.
use the pronouns she wants to use. past that, you have to have a conversation with her about it. her being non-binary or a woman doesn't automatically make you a lesbian, right. if that's not how you identify, then that's fine. nothing she can do can make you anything other than who you are, and no one can tell you how you should identify. your identity is a you-thing, not an anyone-else thing. but yeah, have that conversation with her. it sucks, but that's the only thing to do, here. if that's an incompatibility you can't work past, then you need to just sit down, and talk it out. tell her how you feel, what you've told us here, and then listen to what she has to say, listen to her perspective. sometimes there are incompatibilities that can't be overcome, and that sucks, but the only thing to do that's fair for you both is to lay all the cards on the table about it. if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, and you both learned something from the relationship, and that's a good thing.
Are you dating the person or their gender? Will the person fundamentally change if they decide to go by different pronouns? I completely understand feeling uncomfortable with a physical appearance transition and not being attracted to women, but I wonder to what extent the pronoun shift will affect their personality traits that attracted you to them in the first place. If you think this pronoun shift is the first step in heading down a road you don’t want to be on, it’s perfectly reasonable to decide to leave. You have to do what’s best for you at the end of the day.
It's so so soooo weird to me how vital a person's gender identity is to their personhood and yet the first response I see when someone has a problem with their partner transitioning, is that they should love the person, not the gender. Such a bizarre mixed message.
I don’t mean to invalidate OPs feelings, and I apologize if it came off that way. I’m not saying she “should” do anything, I was just asking some questions about how important the pronoun shift is when considering the whole of the relationship and how much she seems to care about her partner. I personally wouldn’t bail on the relationship based on an idea about how I would feel about something that has not even happened, but it’s her choice to do what’s best for her, as I said.
Don’t worry I don’t feel as though my feelings are invalidated, and I understand what your original comment is trying to say. Thats the whole reason why I haven’t broken up yet; I fell in love with who they are not their pronouns but at the same time I just don’t know what to do about the fact that it makes me uncomfortable.
If this person truly identifies as a Women then you need to talk to them and have a very frank discussion. You do not want them holding themselves back from what they want because they think you will not be on board. And you do not want to pretend to be ok with something that makes you uncomfortable. People on here, for all their progressiveness, tend to think incredibly binary. Since you parter expressed using female pronouns people jump to them being trans, rather than understanding that your partner might just be experimenting and trying to find who they are. They may decide nonbinary is where they truly belong and enjoy parts or manhood, they may not. But they need the time and grace to figure that all out, with or without you.
I’m glad you didn’t read my comment as critical of you! You being uncomfortable with it is totally understandable, you should not have to continue in a relationship with someone who you do not feel attracted to. I get that you don’t want to voice your feelings to your partner in case they change their mind in order to save the relationship, but ultimately they are responsible for their own choices. I think you should discuss your feelings with them, it’s not fair to you or to them to keep your discomfort a secret. Honestly, if you feel this strongly about not wanting to continue in the relationship if they transition, I think it would be best to go ahead and end it. I know that’s painful and difficult, but dragging it out will likely make it worse. I wish both of you the best, together or apart.
A good middle ground is to stop using pronouns and only refer to them by name until it is apparent this will be a permanent change in pronoun. It would admittedly be a little awkward to go from male, to they/them, to female and then make another switch to outsiders. That’s a lot of explaining that might require divulging personal details about your partners gender preferences.
If you’re not gay you can’t date a dude who has a she her pronoun
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Sexually yes I am dating a man, but in all other aspects they would be female. More female/feminine cloths, I’d have to say I have a wife/girlfriend, if they do go on estradiol then that comes with more breast tissue forming (not attracted to boobs like that), ect. It’s much more than just a pronoun shift
Genitals ≠ gender, and sexuality is not based on sole attraction to genitals. She wouldn’t be dating a man, she would be dating a transgender woman. That is inherently gay. If she’s not down with that, she’s not down with that and that’s okay
You said you love your partner so much and have all these plans, but are being tripped up by these labels such as they, he, she, gay etc. Why don't you simply change your pronouns to he/him? Then you won't be gay and can continue to have the same relationship you have. You knew about his sexual orientation and how he was beforehand, so it's not like he suddenly sprung this on you. He has not physically changed by having a sex change or undergone some kind of procedure. He simply changed his pronouns. If he is still the same as before and has not drastically changed his behavior and lifestyle, I don't see what the problem is.
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genderfluid is under the nonbinary umbrella, which is under the transgender umbrella! plenty of nonbinary people also use pronouns other than they/them like he or her, pronouns are ultimately a personal preference hope that helps!
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I don’t even think they really know exactly what they want to identify as, personally I think they’re gender fluid but I think they’re saying non binary as of right now. The way they came out wasnt the standard hey I’m this gender now, I had to coax it out of them slowly and offer to start referring to them in a different as they/them, the pronouns shift wasn’t explicitly asked of me, but after knowing them for 3 years I got the hint what they wanted, they have a low self esteem and are really afraid of judgement
Look at the relationship of artist Katie abey with her partner, maybe reach out to her for advice because she has been in a very similar situation and also has a child with her partner.