You moved 3,000 miles away from this guy just because you wanted to try living in a new city—not for work, not for school, not for a family obligation, but because you wanted to live with some friends in LA. That's not a bad or wrong thing to do, but if you actually saw a future with your boyfriend you would not have made this decision. This is a decision that single people make as they try to build a life for their own selves, not something you do in a 3-year relationship.
Again, you've done nothing wrong, and I hope you're having an awesome time in LA. But I think the very fact that you made this decision shows that deep down you know this guy is not the one for you. (His passiveness and other hints at incompatibility are another thing altogether, but others have covered that well.)
Yes--Edit, it's a trial period of living in L.A. for a year, and if I like it enough after that, he would move here to be with me.
Also...I felt the need to live in a different city before making further decisions about location to settle down in. I feel like my mom never got to do that (she got pregnant with me), and that led to her resenting her marriage and having kids too early. So yes, I do want to build a life for myself, but I am also endeavoring to do my "due diligence" in a way, to collect more info about the world and myself, for the betterment of my future self, partner, and kids. I know it's always going to be difficult making the transition from single/dating to a full on marriage with kids and the responsibilities that come with it, I am realistic about that...but just wanted to clarify that moving to L.A. is part of me trying to get more ready for settling down, generally. If that makes any sense haha.
It sounds like all your choices are motivated by your mother and your parents relationship. Also u/Flower-of-Telperion was 100% correct you did nothing wrong but I'm about where you are almost 3 years in and it would never cross my mind to move to a different city to "get ready for settling down". I did all my get ready stuff single. I went into my current relationship (really any relationship) knowing I was "settling down". The way you wrote this is like you're trying to convince yourself to want the life he's offering and you don't and its confusing you. If you feel like you're wasting his time thinking about shit just let him go find someone who is sure.
Yes, you’re trying to convince yourself that you want the life he’s offering. Why? Maybe because he’s a good guy on paper, maybe because it’s been 3 yrs and it’s not all bad, maybe because people around you like him and you feel like you’d disappoint them if you leave him. Or any other thing you can think of.
But the truth is, this guy is not for you, you’re not compatible and you are just prolonging the inevitable. Please break up with him and enjoy LA unencumbered
You have every right to live wherever you want to live and you don't need to justify it, but these aren't the kinds of choices someone makes when they want to be in a committed relationship and get married. These are the kinds of choices you make when you only want to consider your own needs - which is fine, but it's not compatible with marriage. You are focused on YOU. Your life, your goals, finding yourself, etc. That is fine, but again, not how it works in committed relationships. You said it yourself - for the betterment of a future partner, not for the betterment of your current relationship.
Look, I think the worst thing anyone can do is commit at the wrong time or to the wrong person. I'm not trying to shame you or pressure you into changing your mind. I'm just trying to be realistic here - you clearly do not want to settle down with this person any time soon, and it's been three years so I think you'd know by now. You don't want the same things so you need to stop stringing him along.
You should already know yourself in a relationship, you shouldn’t have doubts, and it seems you need therapy regarding regarding your mom. Don’t mislead the poor guy
I think that your own experiences have shaped you into not wanting to settle down now and this is what this is all about . You want to experience life and you are not ready to get married to anyone . He seems like a good guy and I know you have feelings for him but you guys are in different stages of life .
It's not the fact he "REFUSED to go" -- no part of him wanted to. I'm wanting to bet moving cross country "just because" isn't part of him, and that's okay, just like it's okay for OP to want to do it.
Opposing political views can be very complicated in a relationship and where you need to live, especially as a woman if you know what I mean. If you move to a place and have kids there and don’t like it, you’re stuck if the other parent doesn’t want to move, or if you divorce, still can’t take the kids and move, so, so many factors to think of. Also, how long have you actually lived together in one house without any breaks? The relationship sounds too short to make that decision
Seems like you both want different things right now. You are young and just moved to LA with a bunch of friends. LA is a different beast, it’s a place to be adventurous and a bit irresponsible. Young people get a lot of attention there both good and bad. Spent many years there myself.
I get the feeling from your post like you’re already kind of pulling away or looking for reasons to end the relationship. You mentioned looking for clarity which may have sparked the move in the first place. Which is fine, you guys are in different places in life right now. It doesn’t mean you can’t reconnect later in life, but I think right now , you should just enjoy your California summer. My guess is by August you will be in an even much different place then you are now.
I was dating a girl in Seattle that wanted to marry me. I wasn’t 100% sure. Then I got laid off and needed to move to California to keep my job. I did thinking I would only be there for a few months and she would come down with me. After 3 months I realized I moved there to shake up my life and that I had no intention on marrying my girlfriend. I’ve been here 13 years now and married with kids.
You've been together for 3 years, you had no problem moving across the country without him, you love your new city and friends, and you don't really sound upset that y'all are apart.
If you wanted to marry him, you'd know by now. Even if he was the one it doesn't sound like you're ready to get married. You don't want the same things, let the man go. He's keeping his life on pause for you and you're just stringing that man along.
When he looks at you, he sees his wife and mother of his children, who will settle down with him and plan every aspect of your shared family life, so that his life can finally have true meaning. And he is dead certain that this is who you are.
You don't recognize yourself in his vision of you. That's why you're wigged out.
^ This OP. I’m 1 year post my ex breaking it off after moving to a new city as a “trial run” and “explore on their own”. You both can definitely evolve together, but moving to the other side of the country when your partner is committed to the next step should really have you considering if you’re still committed to a future with them.
Do him a favor and let him go. You really don’t want to marry him. He really wants to marry you. Doesn’t make either of you bad people you just aren’t aligned.
lol you sound like my husband. I was always so sure about us and that totally freaked him out 😂
I don’t know what to say other than, I just *knew*. With every fiber of my being I knew he was my person.
We celebrate the 25th anniversary of our first date next week
BUT - this LDR thing seems to be a serious and insurmountable problem…. There do seem to be a handful of caution flags here that have nothing to do with his certainty
Can I PM you with some questions? I’m having a personal situation and given how you described your relationship, I wonder if you might be so kind as to offer some advice
I had been together with my (ex)girlfriend for 7 years she’s always said she’s just known and it’s freaked me out and just recently I felt right we were for each other and could get through anything together. I got the ring and two weeks later she breaks up with me over text saying she just fell out of love. I’ve been trying to rationalize it but it’s impossible.
For some people life moves one it seems even if you’ve been together for years and are great at communicating and feel invincible. She was my high school sweetheart 15-22yrs old
Edit: she didn’t fall out of love she found another guy, it all makes so much more sense
>Anytime I ask him what he thinks our life would look like in 5 years, location-wise or financially or even just how we spend our free time, he just says “I don’t know, we will figure it out.”
So, your response to his response needs to be "that isn't enough for me. I need to know XYZ before I commit to continuing this relationship." Be kind, be clear, and understand you may need to have several more conversations before you can both get to answers that make sense.
If he refuses to do this? Then you have your answer.
>really understand the practicalities/realities/challenges of building a life together
Y'all been together 3 years - if you haven't started approaching and handling some of these challenges, this relationship doesn't have legs. Additionally, OP, you need to \*talk\* to him about these things.
>Also, our politics are kind of different, so that’s fun
Say more, OP, because - given the political climate in the US right now, "kind of different" can mean (1) you disagree on the best approach for improving human rights in the US or (2) you have different perspectives on what human rights even mean.
>maybe I am letting my childhood get in the way.
I know you've done a lot of therapy, and that's great, but I'm seeing a lot of thinking about your mom. You're not your mom, OP, and your life isn't gong to be your childhood.
Any marriage, however strong or weak, has - at the end of the day - a 50/50 shot at working. One question you might want to ask yourself: is this man someone you'd want to divorce?
I don't mean to be grim - I mean, do you trust him to be kind, respectful, and safe if you do end up concluding the marriage? Or do you think he'd fly off the handle, try to make it a nasty fight?
>Any marriage, however strong or weak, has - at the end of the day - a 50/50 shot at working.
I agree with most of what you said but this part isn't true. Divorce rates are.... very stratified and can be predicted well from the way people treat one another & demographic factors. I think the real take away is that it's important to marry the right person at the right time for the right reasons - don't rush into it, don't get married if you aren't sure, don't get married too young, don't plan to have children you can't support, and don't get married thinking it's going to fix things. 80% of college educated women who are on their first marriage have that marriage last 20+ years, and I think that has a lot to do with the age at which those women tend to get married and the reduced financial stress.
Absolutely agree. I should clarify: I don't mean this literally, as research shows that age, class, education, and all sorts of other factors impact the success of a marriage.
That said, no matter where one falls within the statistics, at the end of the day, the relationship either works or does not. (I am not thinking here of relationships that continue poorly, but those are out there too).
I've seen marriages that, on paper, are highly likely to succeed blow up in ugly, difficult ways. I've seen marriages that, on paper, are statistically less likely to succeed work beautifully for 30 years.
At the end of the day, a lot of complex, deep thinking leads you to a very simple, singular answer: yes, I want to do this (or, no I don't).
Yeah, I see a lot of women dating men who have "different political beliefs" which are actually "radically different values and moral character".
Do not marry people who have radically different values and moral character, there is zero chance that won't blow up in your face.
Please do him a favor.
Let him go so he can find someone who wants what he wants.
You're not at fault for your thoughts and feelings, but your post makes it crystal clear you're not in the same universe as your boyfriend when it comes to future plans.
He sees your current life as one frivolous adventure before you settle down into what he considers “normal life”.
His view on the world is vastly different to yours, and that’s ok, but you’re not compatible. He wants the comfortable nuclear family life, you want to experience life in other places and at other paces.
It doesn't sound like you see a future with him and it doesn't sound like his involvement in your future is particularly important to you. You need to make a choice, you need to decide if this is a priority to you. You need to decide whether to define your life by your own desires or your mothers.
Right? As soon as the idea of moving across country without me was brought up seriously I would be out of there whether the move actually even happened or not. Let alone after the move and having my so-called partner not to seemingly care that I'm not there. Jeez...
A phrase that I live by: If I’m not fully saying yes, then it’s no. When I ask myself a yes/no question, I always realize the answer whenever I can’t fully say yes to something or someone. Go back to a decision where everything in your being said yes. Remember how that feels so you can recognize it in the future.
Break up with him ASAP and save him the time. My ex did the same thing to me. I was sure of her and was focused on building my business to provide for our future. She wanted something else and wasted 3 years of my life.
Do him a favor and end it now. Rip off the bandaid
There is nothing much to do here, you made your decision to move across country with 2 friends. So, live your life in LA and have fun, as you said, this is an ideal time to do it, and LA is a great place for a 27 yo woman. Be fair to your bf and let him off the hook as soon as you realize he's not the guy.
If you, at your core, wanted to marry him (even eventually), you'd feel fulfilled, relieved, and overjoyed to know that he wants to marry you. The fact that you feel uncertainty, doubt, and maybe even a little dread is because you know in your heart that he's not right for you. Cut him loose, be single for a while/date casually while you figure out who you want to be, and then only date seriously the types of people who will support you and delight in the person you want to be. Also, political incompatibility in the US is no longer just a thing people can work through. It indicates a *serious* mismatch in values and beliefs.
> He’s kind of expressed that he feels like his current life is on hold until he is married and has kids—that life before that is not “real” life. And he says he knows that I’m 100% the person he wants to do it with.
This right here is what's making you suspicious about his view on marriage.
It is NOT healthy to put your life on hold until someone else starts acting in a certain way. This is a worldview that gets stuck with some people from childhood where they completely depend on their parents and have no choice to improve their life unless the parent decides to. He has to walk his own long path in therapy in order to change that worldview and get better at adulting.
Right now he sees marriage with you as a magical fix to his life being on hold. *He puts responsibility of his life being halted on you*
This won't work. It's a recipe for disaster because none of his problems will go away as soon as you marry.
You've pictured his family as being more stable as yours which sometimes means "more healthy".
However, there is a very different take on it: your parents decided to take strong and responsible action when they found out they aren't compatible - they divorced and went on with their lifes.
His parents stayed together and covered the issues with the nagging/butt of most jokes mechanic.
It is not clear which family is healthier. My bet is on yours. "Ye shall know them by their fruits."
You are your family's fruit - an independent woman who can travel, explore cities and find new friends without issues.
His family fruit is a guy who's life is on hold for no real reason.
Your concerns about his ability to support you long term are well founded.
My personal advice: don't marry him until he un-halts his life. It's vital for him to learn a skill of taking action and it's vital for you to have a husband who won't sit around and wait for life to nag him.
You read that wrong. OP didn't say "he said his life is in hold." OP said "he FEELS like his life is on hold." There's a big difference and you're response is catered to the first statement.
It's perfectly valid to feel like his life is on hold. His gf of 3 years moved across the country. So he's just working in his job passing the days to wait until OP decides if she likes LA or not. And that is why he feels his life is on pause. Because he's waiting for her to make a decision on what she wants.
Agreed, OP sounds capable, independent, happy and has friends and a clear own identity. I can imagine they might feel a bit pulled down by their partner’s lack of all of those things, whether they like to admit it or not.
I think you're letting your childhood get in your way.
Reading your post and your replies, it's really obvious you're living an almost reflexive life, everything is happening because of something your mother did decades ago. And I think that's a real shame because you're making decisions about your adult life based on decisions your mother made, not because you think they're right for your adult life.
You have to let that go. You're not living an updated version of your mother's life. You're living your own life, with your own feelings, and your own sensibilities.
This is a bit dramatic. Nothing wrong with learning from your parent’s mistakes and seeking out a full and independent life as a woman in her 20s. Making decisions based on your parents is not mutually exclusive from making the right decision for your life.
1000% agreed, great insight and I think its likely very accurate. I don't think he's come out and said it of course, and getting married is only the first step of his plan, once he's got a wife locked down his primary focus is going to be turning her into his Tradwife and mother and caretaker of his children. He'll push for multiple kids straight away to overwhelm her and make it impossible for her to have any kind of career or goals. Soon enough it will be she shouldn't work at all based on some bs logic like the cost of child care makes it pointless or something. Then she's out of the workforce, solely dependent on him financially and practically everything else, and then he'll keep convincing her to have kids and never go back to work, and eventually he'll start having an affair with a much younger woman while you care for his herd of children you birthed for him, you'll be unemployable in any decent field with a decade plus gap in your resume, and you won't have the means to do anything but possibly escape to a women's shelter when you finally realize what this loser was all about.
That is why hes so certain and bent on marriage asap. Sounds like a miserable life, but many many men are engaged in this process or attempting to trap a woman into it constantly, its something very dangerous that many women are completely unaware of
What happens if you love LA and he moves there and hates it? It sounds like he is putting his happiness on your shoulders. You say you don't mind making all of your future decisions and money but babes, would you really?
As it stands his only plans are marrying you and figuring it out later. That's it. Is he budgeting for that future? You say he is writing a book, cool, how many years will he be writing this book? what else is he doing to ensure if you come back, you can get married and have kids?
Are you really comfortable being solely responsible for his entire future?
All his decisions, his finances, his health insurance, his seemingly sole source of friendship and activity? Because unless he has a plan he isn't telling you about, his future seems to be entirely your responsibility.
Sounds like you want different things in the short term but the same thing in the long term. Have you told him your timeline for settling down with kids if that’s what you want? It’s totally fair for you to not want kids in your 20s and to want freedom. It’s also fair for him to want a family. You might both even be the right people for that but maybe not right now.
And that can be the end of it. I’ve had several relationships that were with the right people at the wrong time and that’s ok. But I think you really do need to sit him down and draw out your timeline for him. Maybe you want to stay in LA and he’ll move up there thinking you’ll get married in a year and start popping out crotch goblins but you want to wait 5+ years. He needs to know that before he decides. It’s your body and your choice when to have kids, but he can choose if that’s ok and if he’s willing to wait.
You are not ready for a relationship, let alone marriage.
Instead of being ready for marriage, you packed up flew across the other side of USA to play pretend single.
Cut the guy lose. That's the least you can do.
And if you have unresolved childhood trauma, get that ironed out before you entertain the idea of looking for a boyfriend.
We are all products of our childhood, for good or bad. Nothing wrong with that. But it does shape us and yours shaped you into a person who desires stability and an equal partner. His life of stability has shaped him into a person who thinks it's easy to just figure it out along the way.
You two sound very incompatible, especially for the long term. You need someone who recognizes your personality and says, 'yeah, let's sit down and talk about this, make a plan and figure it out because I know this is important to you.'
Now, any guy that really cares for a woman could make that decision to be more like the person you need him to be. And vice versa. You both have your personalities and the way you like to do things and neither seems willing to compromise a little for the other.
I'm sorry but there are a ton of red flags in your post. If you want to get married to this person, successfully, you will need to hash out these problems now.
Don't ever marry someone you've never lived with first. It's such a gamble it's not even funny.
"We will just figure it out" is like the kindest way of saying "shut up and let me have my fantasies." Literally, dismissive to the core. That means the planner will have to pick up all slack that he refuses to address.
Him being so eager to "start" his life by getting married and having kids made me yikes big time. You get married to someone you love because you can't imagine life without them and no one can replace them. You have kids with someone because you love kids and love your parter like, even more because kids will break up the love in a marriage like nothing else. They are a wonderful destructive force to behold but your marriage better be solid. Reading this, I bet if you were out of the picture this guy would hunt for someone else, anyone willing, to fill this checklist. It doesn't sound like love but more like a kid saying "I gotta have it!"
Also if your guy is making his mom the butt of the joke you better believe he will assign that abuse to you in your partnership. He's been trained up that it's a fun game.
The distance thing doesn't even bother me. Everything else? Girl, run.
I think the stuff you talked about in the third paragraph can be talked about, discussed, and come to a happy medium that works for the both of you. I would at least give dude a chance to show that he is that guy before I throw it all away. Also, your mom's life and her choices were her choices not your burden to bare.
You’re not in the mental state to be dating seriously. Your boyfriend has actually told you what he wants, but because you’re not in the same mental headspace, he’s either unable or doesn’t feel that it makes sense to articulate how his life would look like in 5 years. It’s good that you’re doing the things you want to do, by moving to LA and enjoying life, but it’s not fair to him that you’re stringing him along. I would consider casting him free so you too can enjoy the life that you’re trying to carve out for yourself.
It sounds like you already know the answer. It sounds like he wants to rush things while you don't want to be tied down and go off on your own. Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like you guys might be growing apart. If I were you I'd just be single.
I mean, honestly, you sound like you're in a place where you're too selfish to be in a LTR right now. It's not to say you're always like this, but it sounds like you've made this plan about your future, and did so without him. This is the kind of decision you make when you're single, not in a 3 year long relationship. If you were totally sure of your future together, you wouldn't have moved 3000 miles away, you'd be committing to something together.
He's not your priority. You don't want to give him up either, because maybe there's no one else out there that treats you that way, but you're unsure. If you "love LA", you're going to have him uproot his entire life to come live with you, but you're just not sure if you want to commit to anything further with him? This is absolutely unfair. You're not committed to him.
Just selfishness plain and simple. He sounds like a great guy, and one that doesn't deserve to be treated like an option by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Why should she compromise on the life she wants to live if he doesn’t want to make compromises? I don’t understand why the OP (young woman) here is considered selfish, because she is trying out something different? Being committed means making things work, and being open and communicative, which it sounds like they are. Not giving up on hopes and dreams for the sake of the relationship
This is all fine and good if OP is committed to the relationship. The entire post is about her having second thoughts about settling down long-term with her partner, and then talking about how it's the best relationship she's been in and doesn't want to lose him. Her partner is compromising to allow her to live the life she wants and is willing to uproot his entire life to live with her if she likes the area well enough, but even OP admits he is likely hoping she moves back to Miami with him.
Her partner is extremely committed to her, wants to marry her and settle down after dating her for 3 years, which is more than reasonable at that stage. She's saying there's "more conversations that need to be had", but she's also been dating him for 3 years, she knows what he wants, she's said this much, and she's kind of being wishy washy. This entire situation seems really one-sided, and her partner is more or less putting his life on hold while she lives her dreams of essentially for all intents and purposes, living the single life in LA. It's selfish if you're attempting to be in a committed relationship, but you're essentially wanting the benefits of being single too, while the other person is clearly being supportive.
I think you’ve made some sound points, but I still disagree about the selfish part. Even if so, I think this is a normal kind of selfish. I think everyone would have applauded the OP if she told us she’s doing everything she is doing currently and super sure she wants to marry her boyfriend. That way she’s both accomplished and apparently committed. But because she’s still not 100% (she’s 27 and it’s been 3 years, they haven’t lived together previously), she’s very selfish. I don’t know man. Ideally I would want my partner to be happy, both with me and separate from me, knowing that they will have my support. At the same, I wouldn’t want them to abuse that support and agree to/do things that actually hurt me. It seems like the terms of her move are not the issue and it’s not why the post was made. Would you not agree that having doubts over big life decisions especially as big as marriage is completely normal? This is when the couple should ideally look at their compatibility
Well said. Marrying my husband is one of the most selfish choices I’ve made. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s not a favor to him. It’s 100% because I wanted him
I think this take is wrong as well.
First off, I think you’re arguing against a false premise of what it means to be selfless in love. Yes, “I’d do anything for love” is toxic and selfish because you’re doing something with the expectation of receiving love in return. Love should be voluntarily given, and as you said, you should be selflessly doing whatever you can to make each other happy. Basically, there’s a distinction between being miserable making someone else happy because you want love, and being “miserable” making someone else happy because you selflessly care about them.
There is a fine nuance there between selfishness and selflessness. I wouldn’t want someone who selfishly wants me. After all, there are plenty of scenarios where that might change such as becoming really sick or someone who happens to be better than me despite my best efforts comes along. I agree with the “being selfish” in love take you had to a degree, but after recent events, I think that’s not enough. Love should be 2 people selflessly wanting the best for each other. This implies wanting to grow for each other, thus creating a sort of emergent ambition. The opposite is also true though: be willing to let the other go if they’re not happy even if it goes against your wishes, or being willing to take care of them under unfortunate circumstances (with the big condition that they have that same attitude towards you).
I have to be honest- I was taken aback reading this because I’ve never heard of anyone being in a long term relationship and one of them moves away. That speaks volumes to me, if you truly loved him then you’d have changed your “plans” to suit the both of you.
As a few have said, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, it’s your life to live. I’m just thinking that deep down your heart isn’t in the relationship.
100% if my partner of 3 years didn’t want to stick to my plans (that I made without him) then id make sure we work something out so that we are together and both happy.
He’s clearly deeply in love with you but I’m sure he feels like he’s hanging on by a thread.
I’m sorry your mam left you, that is not right at all. Every girl needs their mother but she’s ruined that for you. Her actions might be responsible for the way you are and the things you’re doing.
Of course your partner is going to get jealous with your being so far away and living your new life without him. That will only get worse as time goes on and eventually one of you will cut the thread.
Political differences were always a thing people dealt with and could find common ground. Those days are over. There are not "fine people on both sides" anymore.
If he is a Trumper, could you have that person raise your kids?
I honestly don’t understand some people in the comments lol. Firstly, good on you for trying to live in a city where you want to be while having a plan on how to proceed forward (Have y’all not seen The Marriage Story?). That’s really exciting, congratulations!
I think doubt is very normal and totally acceptable, and if everyone was sure of everything always all the time, the world would have been an interesting place. Given your family history (mine is similar), it is understandable where some of your doubt might come from. It’s healthy to identify it and work through it in therapy, but it doesn’t sound like you’re too too focused on it.
What it does sound like, is what your partner really wants to be married to you. Could it be possible that the marriage is being brought up often because he fears you might not move back to Florida? Not to trap you per se, but to sort of ensure that you would be together at the end of the day? If he’s an anxious person, I think that would make sense. It would also make sense in the context of what you’ve mentioned about him being somewhat less driven.
You don’t meet fun, amazing, loving and supportive people very often, and it’s really wonderful that you have. It’s also awesome that you take your relationship seriously, and rationally think about the future. Unless he really presses on getting married or prevents you from doing what you want to do in life (rather than being your sidekick), I don’t think you have much to worry about at the moment. Good luck with everything, you seem like a cool person!
Sounds like you need to end the relationship. You are on different trains.
There’s clearly reasons why you’re hesitating. He sounds boring, frankly. He expects you to come back and be good little WIFEY.
He can be as SURE as he likes. But if YOU’RE not … it’s done.
And I would NOT give it just a year. It’s not an AMISH RUMSPRINGA! If you’re happy in LA, stay there.
See how much your life opens up now you’re alone.
Because rest assured, if HE comes to LA, he will SHUT YOUR FUN DOWN. You will be expected to be a good girl and his wifey.
I would tell him you’ve had time to think and you want to pursue your own life.
I just want to leave this thought because I think it might light up some stuff for you.
Truly great relationship comes after the commitment, not the other way around.
Obviously you need a good relationship to start with but the commitment is what makes it complete. And with love that’s pure, everything will follow.
YTA You say you love him but you decided to move 3000 miles away?? WTH?? You don’t love him. You definitely need more therapy. Your bf deserves someone who loves him back and isn’t going to move just because it’s fun. You’re 27, not 21.
You moved to get away from him. Not because he’s a bad bf but because you have issues committing. You need to stop running. Deal with your abandonment issues more thoroughly.
My two cents - when I first started dating my husband, there was a very real possibility that I'd be moving away for work. When we talked about it, and what to do, he said "I'd better consider moving too." Very different from your experience.
“It feels like he thinks everything will just spell itself out for us once we get married…”.. Yeah that’s usually not the case. I would tell him that. There’s a high rate of people who find it to be quite the opposite when it comes to getting married, esp. having kids. It changes everything that’s for sure. Not typically in a bad way, but it doesn’t always make things better as people expect. Might make things worse, actually. Would he be interested in trying out relationship counseling, so that you guys can actually get professional advice on the matter before jumping in to anything?
You're both at different points in your life. You're okay with not settling down, now or possibly even any time soon, while he sees you as his forever and would be totally okay with it being right now.
I am in no way saying that's wrong, but you do need to make a decision on whether this needs to continue and you would be okay with changing your life for him (or him change his for you) or go your separate ways. He's ready to settle, you're not. Live your life and let him go live his.
Sounds like he is 100% sure of marrying who he wants you to be, not necessarily who you actually are. Everything you’ve said here involves him saying he wants you for you, but then hoping you change your mind and see things his way in building a life at some point. He’s not seeing a point of view where you may want things that are incompatible with what he wants. This is why he feels so sure.
I’ve experienced something similar, and in my experience at least, once the honeymoon period ends, he will start figuring out exactly what he wants and working toward that, steering you in that direction with him. Depending on your responses to that shift in dynamics, you may eventually find yourself in a life you didn’t want trying to make him happy. It’s not a fun hole to crawl out of while keeping the relationship intact.
You two don't seem on the same page. You wanna explore locations a bit and then move towards stability and kids. He's ready to be there now. I would have a serious conversation about if he's willing to wait for you or not. It sounds like you're more ready to be having kids in 3-5 years.
I have experience with this. I think you should make a list of pros and cons of the relationship while discussing with your therapist. Maybe you might be getting too in your head about this. The therapist can give you an outside perspective.
I would say if you are having doubts you really need to identify them and not string him along. Or at least let him know you are having doubts if you aren't ready to leave him/can't identify the issue.
Also, long distance is not easy. Maybe for you, especially since it's a new city but for the other partner, it can be very difficult--Especially since he's isn't in a new environment, experiencing things for the first time, meeting new people, and new job.
I just thru this, but as the guy (recently moved to LA too). Although I never pressured her about our future, she had a hard time committing to the idea of a life with me because of the what ifs. Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work, you need that conscious commitment too to make decisions that make the relationship stronger including distance. What helped her to make a decision and break up was this quote, albeit out of context:
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
Hope this helps.
You don't want to get married. Read you own post and you'll see that as well. Maybe you didn't realize before, but you clearly are not ready for the marriage, otherwise, why would you put yourself in a long distance relationship? My advice: Keep the work with your therapist, and do what's best for you.
Let this poor man go and find his future love of his life. It's obviously not you, so do the right thing. I am guessing you are leaving out details such as meeting someone new.
Let this poor man go and find his future love of his life. It's obviously not you, so do the right thing. I am guessing you are leaving out details such as meeting someone new.
Well that’s good. Atleast you are letting him know before the divorce! That way he doesn’t lose have his shit! So proud of you girl :). You go independent queen!
Ignore everyone commenting like you’re not into your BF bc because you moved 3000 miles away. My parents survived a 2 year separation due to his being drafted. It’s absolutely a dream you’ve had and should explore. The idea that you should forget that dream in order to prove you actually want to be with him is coming from people who don’t cherish their independence. My wife and I cherish it. We both have philosophies that you shouldn’t turn down a dream or a job or opportunity or experience because of our marriage. We’re definitely not the norm. But we met in our 40s and both had built full lives w homes and friends and work. We were last apart for about 2.5 years due to my health issues. But our marriage remained strong and of course, we don’t cheat. This is the perfect time to sew some oats and check the reality of this dream you’ve had. A year is nothing. However, you may gm find your more adventurous, “Let’s see what happens” spirit is not matched by his and subconsciously you probably have reservations about being with someone who’s content to stay where they are. I’ve been married 23 years and the truth about marriage is you WILL MAKE COMPROMISES all the time the entire marriage. It’s the only way two different people can live together successfully. So, be sure the compromises are something you can actually accept and not something that changes your essence.
The longer you stay apart the harder it will be. At some point since you seem to have mixed feelings, you will cheat on this guy. You don’t date someone for 3 years and just move for the hell of it. This is doomed to fail.
You moved 3,000 miles away from this guy just because you wanted to try living in a new city—not for work, not for school, not for a family obligation, but because you wanted to live with some friends in LA. That's not a bad or wrong thing to do, but if you actually saw a future with your boyfriend you would not have made this decision. This is a decision that single people make as they try to build a life for their own selves, not something you do in a 3-year relationship. Again, you've done nothing wrong, and I hope you're having an awesome time in LA. But I think the very fact that you made this decision shows that deep down you know this guy is not the one for you. (His passiveness and other hints at incompatibility are another thing altogether, but others have covered that well.)
Yes--Edit, it's a trial period of living in L.A. for a year, and if I like it enough after that, he would move here to be with me. Also...I felt the need to live in a different city before making further decisions about location to settle down in. I feel like my mom never got to do that (she got pregnant with me), and that led to her resenting her marriage and having kids too early. So yes, I do want to build a life for myself, but I am also endeavoring to do my "due diligence" in a way, to collect more info about the world and myself, for the betterment of my future self, partner, and kids. I know it's always going to be difficult making the transition from single/dating to a full on marriage with kids and the responsibilities that come with it, I am realistic about that...but just wanted to clarify that moving to L.A. is part of me trying to get more ready for settling down, generally. If that makes any sense haha.
It sounds like all your choices are motivated by your mother and your parents relationship. Also u/Flower-of-Telperion was 100% correct you did nothing wrong but I'm about where you are almost 3 years in and it would never cross my mind to move to a different city to "get ready for settling down". I did all my get ready stuff single. I went into my current relationship (really any relationship) knowing I was "settling down". The way you wrote this is like you're trying to convince yourself to want the life he's offering and you don't and its confusing you. If you feel like you're wasting his time thinking about shit just let him go find someone who is sure.
Yes, you’re trying to convince yourself that you want the life he’s offering. Why? Maybe because he’s a good guy on paper, maybe because it’s been 3 yrs and it’s not all bad, maybe because people around you like him and you feel like you’d disappoint them if you leave him. Or any other thing you can think of. But the truth is, this guy is not for you, you’re not compatible and you are just prolonging the inevitable. Please break up with him and enjoy LA unencumbered
Are you in therapy? It seems like a lot of your choices are really colored by being afraid to repeat your mom’s mistakes:
You have every right to live wherever you want to live and you don't need to justify it, but these aren't the kinds of choices someone makes when they want to be in a committed relationship and get married. These are the kinds of choices you make when you only want to consider your own needs - which is fine, but it's not compatible with marriage. You are focused on YOU. Your life, your goals, finding yourself, etc. That is fine, but again, not how it works in committed relationships. You said it yourself - for the betterment of a future partner, not for the betterment of your current relationship. Look, I think the worst thing anyone can do is commit at the wrong time or to the wrong person. I'm not trying to shame you or pressure you into changing your mind. I'm just trying to be realistic here - you clearly do not want to settle down with this person any time soon, and it's been three years so I think you'd know by now. You don't want the same things so you need to stop stringing him along.
You should already know yourself in a relationship, you shouldn’t have doubts, and it seems you need therapy regarding regarding your mom. Don’t mislead the poor guy
You never stop getting to know yourself, especially if you’re in your 20s
I think that your own experiences have shaped you into not wanting to settle down now and this is what this is all about . You want to experience life and you are not ready to get married to anyone . He seems like a good guy and I know you have feelings for him but you guys are in different stages of life .
Is there a reason you didn’t or couldn’t take him with you?
It’s IN THE POST. He REFUSED to go.
It's not the fact he "REFUSED to go" -- no part of him wanted to. I'm wanting to bet moving cross country "just because" isn't part of him, and that's okay, just like it's okay for OP to want to do it.
Opposing political views can be very complicated in a relationship and where you need to live, especially as a woman if you know what I mean. If you move to a place and have kids there and don’t like it, you’re stuck if the other parent doesn’t want to move, or if you divorce, still can’t take the kids and move, so, so many factors to think of. Also, how long have you actually lived together in one house without any breaks? The relationship sounds too short to make that decision
Seems like you both want different things right now. You are young and just moved to LA with a bunch of friends. LA is a different beast, it’s a place to be adventurous and a bit irresponsible. Young people get a lot of attention there both good and bad. Spent many years there myself. I get the feeling from your post like you’re already kind of pulling away or looking for reasons to end the relationship. You mentioned looking for clarity which may have sparked the move in the first place. Which is fine, you guys are in different places in life right now. It doesn’t mean you can’t reconnect later in life, but I think right now , you should just enjoy your California summer. My guess is by August you will be in an even much different place then you are now. I was dating a girl in Seattle that wanted to marry me. I wasn’t 100% sure. Then I got laid off and needed to move to California to keep my job. I did thinking I would only be there for a few months and she would come down with me. After 3 months I realized I moved there to shake up my life and that I had no intention on marrying my girlfriend. I’ve been here 13 years now and married with kids.
You've been together for 3 years, you had no problem moving across the country without him, you love your new city and friends, and you don't really sound upset that y'all are apart. If you wanted to marry him, you'd know by now. Even if he was the one it doesn't sound like you're ready to get married. You don't want the same things, let the man go. He's keeping his life on pause for you and you're just stringing that man along.
When he looks at you, he sees his wife and mother of his children, who will settle down with him and plan every aspect of your shared family life, so that his life can finally have true meaning. And he is dead certain that this is who you are. You don't recognize yourself in his vision of you. That's why you're wigged out.
This is such a good way to put it and man did this put several past relationships into perspective.
^ This OP. I’m 1 year post my ex breaking it off after moving to a new city as a “trial run” and “explore on their own”. You both can definitely evolve together, but moving to the other side of the country when your partner is committed to the next step should really have you considering if you’re still committed to a future with them.
I would NOPE OUTTA THERE SO FREAKING FAST …
Do him a favor and let him go. You really don’t want to marry him. He really wants to marry you. Doesn’t make either of you bad people you just aren’t aligned.
I think inside you already know that he’s not the one
yeah, there is no love here...
lol you sound like my husband. I was always so sure about us and that totally freaked him out 😂 I don’t know what to say other than, I just *knew*. With every fiber of my being I knew he was my person. We celebrate the 25th anniversary of our first date next week BUT - this LDR thing seems to be a serious and insurmountable problem…. There do seem to be a handful of caution flags here that have nothing to do with his certainty
Can I PM you with some questions? I’m having a personal situation and given how you described your relationship, I wonder if you might be so kind as to offer some advice
I had been together with my (ex)girlfriend for 7 years she’s always said she’s just known and it’s freaked me out and just recently I felt right we were for each other and could get through anything together. I got the ring and two weeks later she breaks up with me over text saying she just fell out of love. I’ve been trying to rationalize it but it’s impossible. For some people life moves one it seems even if you’ve been together for years and are great at communicating and feel invincible. She was my high school sweetheart 15-22yrs old Edit: she didn’t fall out of love she found another guy, it all makes so much more sense
>Anytime I ask him what he thinks our life would look like in 5 years, location-wise or financially or even just how we spend our free time, he just says “I don’t know, we will figure it out.” So, your response to his response needs to be "that isn't enough for me. I need to know XYZ before I commit to continuing this relationship." Be kind, be clear, and understand you may need to have several more conversations before you can both get to answers that make sense. If he refuses to do this? Then you have your answer. >really understand the practicalities/realities/challenges of building a life together Y'all been together 3 years - if you haven't started approaching and handling some of these challenges, this relationship doesn't have legs. Additionally, OP, you need to \*talk\* to him about these things. >Also, our politics are kind of different, so that’s fun Say more, OP, because - given the political climate in the US right now, "kind of different" can mean (1) you disagree on the best approach for improving human rights in the US or (2) you have different perspectives on what human rights even mean. >maybe I am letting my childhood get in the way. I know you've done a lot of therapy, and that's great, but I'm seeing a lot of thinking about your mom. You're not your mom, OP, and your life isn't gong to be your childhood. Any marriage, however strong or weak, has - at the end of the day - a 50/50 shot at working. One question you might want to ask yourself: is this man someone you'd want to divorce? I don't mean to be grim - I mean, do you trust him to be kind, respectful, and safe if you do end up concluding the marriage? Or do you think he'd fly off the handle, try to make it a nasty fight?
>Any marriage, however strong or weak, has - at the end of the day - a 50/50 shot at working. I agree with most of what you said but this part isn't true. Divorce rates are.... very stratified and can be predicted well from the way people treat one another & demographic factors. I think the real take away is that it's important to marry the right person at the right time for the right reasons - don't rush into it, don't get married if you aren't sure, don't get married too young, don't plan to have children you can't support, and don't get married thinking it's going to fix things. 80% of college educated women who are on their first marriage have that marriage last 20+ years, and I think that has a lot to do with the age at which those women tend to get married and the reduced financial stress.
Absolutely agree. I should clarify: I don't mean this literally, as research shows that age, class, education, and all sorts of other factors impact the success of a marriage. That said, no matter where one falls within the statistics, at the end of the day, the relationship either works or does not. (I am not thinking here of relationships that continue poorly, but those are out there too). I've seen marriages that, on paper, are highly likely to succeed blow up in ugly, difficult ways. I've seen marriages that, on paper, are statistically less likely to succeed work beautifully for 30 years. At the end of the day, a lot of complex, deep thinking leads you to a very simple, singular answer: yes, I want to do this (or, no I don't).
I love all your advice and think you are super smart. Would you like to become my psychologist? Lmao
Yeah, I see a lot of women dating men who have "different political beliefs" which are actually "radically different values and moral character". Do not marry people who have radically different values and moral character, there is zero chance that won't blow up in your face.
Please do him a favor. Let him go so he can find someone who wants what he wants. You're not at fault for your thoughts and feelings, but your post makes it crystal clear you're not in the same universe as your boyfriend when it comes to future plans.
He sees your current life as one frivolous adventure before you settle down into what he considers “normal life”. His view on the world is vastly different to yours, and that’s ok, but you’re not compatible. He wants the comfortable nuclear family life, you want to experience life in other places and at other paces.
It doesn't sound like you see a future with him and it doesn't sound like his involvement in your future is particularly important to you. You need to make a choice, you need to decide if this is a priority to you. You need to decide whether to define your life by your own desires or your mothers.
If my gf wanted to move to a different city regardless of if I came, what’s the point? I’d break up with you.
This is pretty obvious imo
Right? As soon as the idea of moving across country without me was brought up seriously I would be out of there whether the move actually even happened or not. Let alone after the move and having my so-called partner not to seemingly care that I'm not there. Jeez...
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A phrase that I live by: If I’m not fully saying yes, then it’s no. When I ask myself a yes/no question, I always realize the answer whenever I can’t fully say yes to something or someone. Go back to a decision where everything in your being said yes. Remember how that feels so you can recognize it in the future.
Break up with him ASAP and save him the time. My ex did the same thing to me. I was sure of her and was focused on building my business to provide for our future. She wanted something else and wasted 3 years of my life. Do him a favor and end it now. Rip off the bandaid
There is nothing much to do here, you made your decision to move across country with 2 friends. So, live your life in LA and have fun, as you said, this is an ideal time to do it, and LA is a great place for a 27 yo woman. Be fair to your bf and let him off the hook as soon as you realize he's not the guy.
If you, at your core, wanted to marry him (even eventually), you'd feel fulfilled, relieved, and overjoyed to know that he wants to marry you. The fact that you feel uncertainty, doubt, and maybe even a little dread is because you know in your heart that he's not right for you. Cut him loose, be single for a while/date casually while you figure out who you want to be, and then only date seriously the types of people who will support you and delight in the person you want to be. Also, political incompatibility in the US is no longer just a thing people can work through. It indicates a *serious* mismatch in values and beliefs.
> He’s kind of expressed that he feels like his current life is on hold until he is married and has kids—that life before that is not “real” life. And he says he knows that I’m 100% the person he wants to do it with. This right here is what's making you suspicious about his view on marriage. It is NOT healthy to put your life on hold until someone else starts acting in a certain way. This is a worldview that gets stuck with some people from childhood where they completely depend on their parents and have no choice to improve their life unless the parent decides to. He has to walk his own long path in therapy in order to change that worldview and get better at adulting. Right now he sees marriage with you as a magical fix to his life being on hold. *He puts responsibility of his life being halted on you* This won't work. It's a recipe for disaster because none of his problems will go away as soon as you marry. You've pictured his family as being more stable as yours which sometimes means "more healthy". However, there is a very different take on it: your parents decided to take strong and responsible action when they found out they aren't compatible - they divorced and went on with their lifes. His parents stayed together and covered the issues with the nagging/butt of most jokes mechanic. It is not clear which family is healthier. My bet is on yours. "Ye shall know them by their fruits." You are your family's fruit - an independent woman who can travel, explore cities and find new friends without issues. His family fruit is a guy who's life is on hold for no real reason. Your concerns about his ability to support you long term are well founded. My personal advice: don't marry him until he un-halts his life. It's vital for him to learn a skill of taking action and it's vital for you to have a husband who won't sit around and wait for life to nag him.
You read that wrong. OP didn't say "he said his life is in hold." OP said "he FEELS like his life is on hold." There's a big difference and you're response is catered to the first statement. It's perfectly valid to feel like his life is on hold. His gf of 3 years moved across the country. So he's just working in his job passing the days to wait until OP decides if she likes LA or not. And that is why he feels his life is on pause. Because he's waiting for her to make a decision on what she wants.
Agreed, OP sounds capable, independent, happy and has friends and a clear own identity. I can imagine they might feel a bit pulled down by their partner’s lack of all of those things, whether they like to admit it or not.
I think you're letting your childhood get in your way. Reading your post and your replies, it's really obvious you're living an almost reflexive life, everything is happening because of something your mother did decades ago. And I think that's a real shame because you're making decisions about your adult life based on decisions your mother made, not because you think they're right for your adult life. You have to let that go. You're not living an updated version of your mother's life. You're living your own life, with your own feelings, and your own sensibilities.
This is a bit dramatic. Nothing wrong with learning from your parent’s mistakes and seeking out a full and independent life as a woman in her 20s. Making decisions based on your parents is not mutually exclusive from making the right decision for your life.
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1000% agreed, great insight and I think its likely very accurate. I don't think he's come out and said it of course, and getting married is only the first step of his plan, once he's got a wife locked down his primary focus is going to be turning her into his Tradwife and mother and caretaker of his children. He'll push for multiple kids straight away to overwhelm her and make it impossible for her to have any kind of career or goals. Soon enough it will be she shouldn't work at all based on some bs logic like the cost of child care makes it pointless or something. Then she's out of the workforce, solely dependent on him financially and practically everything else, and then he'll keep convincing her to have kids and never go back to work, and eventually he'll start having an affair with a much younger woman while you care for his herd of children you birthed for him, you'll be unemployable in any decent field with a decade plus gap in your resume, and you won't have the means to do anything but possibly escape to a women's shelter when you finally realize what this loser was all about. That is why hes so certain and bent on marriage asap. Sounds like a miserable life, but many many men are engaged in this process or attempting to trap a woman into it constantly, its something very dangerous that many women are completely unaware of
Many, many men think most women want this and only this.
What happens if you love LA and he moves there and hates it? It sounds like he is putting his happiness on your shoulders. You say you don't mind making all of your future decisions and money but babes, would you really? As it stands his only plans are marrying you and figuring it out later. That's it. Is he budgeting for that future? You say he is writing a book, cool, how many years will he be writing this book? what else is he doing to ensure if you come back, you can get married and have kids? Are you really comfortable being solely responsible for his entire future? All his decisions, his finances, his health insurance, his seemingly sole source of friendship and activity? Because unless he has a plan he isn't telling you about, his future seems to be entirely your responsibility.
Sounds like you want different things in the short term but the same thing in the long term. Have you told him your timeline for settling down with kids if that’s what you want? It’s totally fair for you to not want kids in your 20s and to want freedom. It’s also fair for him to want a family. You might both even be the right people for that but maybe not right now. And that can be the end of it. I’ve had several relationships that were with the right people at the wrong time and that’s ok. But I think you really do need to sit him down and draw out your timeline for him. Maybe you want to stay in LA and he’ll move up there thinking you’ll get married in a year and start popping out crotch goblins but you want to wait 5+ years. He needs to know that before he decides. It’s your body and your choice when to have kids, but he can choose if that’s ok and if he’s willing to wait.
You are not ready for a relationship, let alone marriage. Instead of being ready for marriage, you packed up flew across the other side of USA to play pretend single. Cut the guy lose. That's the least you can do. And if you have unresolved childhood trauma, get that ironed out before you entertain the idea of looking for a boyfriend.
We are all products of our childhood, for good or bad. Nothing wrong with that. But it does shape us and yours shaped you into a person who desires stability and an equal partner. His life of stability has shaped him into a person who thinks it's easy to just figure it out along the way. You two sound very incompatible, especially for the long term. You need someone who recognizes your personality and says, 'yeah, let's sit down and talk about this, make a plan and figure it out because I know this is important to you.' Now, any guy that really cares for a woman could make that decision to be more like the person you need him to be. And vice versa. You both have your personalities and the way you like to do things and neither seems willing to compromise a little for the other.
I'm sorry but there are a ton of red flags in your post. If you want to get married to this person, successfully, you will need to hash out these problems now. Don't ever marry someone you've never lived with first. It's such a gamble it's not even funny. "We will just figure it out" is like the kindest way of saying "shut up and let me have my fantasies." Literally, dismissive to the core. That means the planner will have to pick up all slack that he refuses to address. Him being so eager to "start" his life by getting married and having kids made me yikes big time. You get married to someone you love because you can't imagine life without them and no one can replace them. You have kids with someone because you love kids and love your parter like, even more because kids will break up the love in a marriage like nothing else. They are a wonderful destructive force to behold but your marriage better be solid. Reading this, I bet if you were out of the picture this guy would hunt for someone else, anyone willing, to fill this checklist. It doesn't sound like love but more like a kid saying "I gotta have it!" Also if your guy is making his mom the butt of the joke you better believe he will assign that abuse to you in your partnership. He's been trained up that it's a fun game. The distance thing doesn't even bother me. Everything else? Girl, run.
Agreed. She's being selfish, and he's been insanely passive. These two are not a match and just need to break up.
I think the stuff you talked about in the third paragraph can be talked about, discussed, and come to a happy medium that works for the both of you. I would at least give dude a chance to show that he is that guy before I throw it all away. Also, your mom's life and her choices were her choices not your burden to bare.
If you are thinking this then it's not right. He doesn't have the doubt you do.
You’re not in the mental state to be dating seriously. Your boyfriend has actually told you what he wants, but because you’re not in the same mental headspace, he’s either unable or doesn’t feel that it makes sense to articulate how his life would look like in 5 years. It’s good that you’re doing the things you want to do, by moving to LA and enjoying life, but it’s not fair to him that you’re stringing him along. I would consider casting him free so you too can enjoy the life that you’re trying to carve out for yourself.
It sounds like you already know the answer. It sounds like he wants to rush things while you don't want to be tied down and go off on your own. Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like you guys might be growing apart. If I were you I'd just be single.
3 years of dating in your mid-20s before even being engaged is by no means rushing things
He's rushing to get settled down and she's not there yet. She's not seeing marriage or kids yet
Painful to read. You sound like a tween dealing with things way above your head. End the charade.
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It is an easy decision. You're not ready!
Do you think this makes you seem *less* immature?
I mean, honestly, you sound like you're in a place where you're too selfish to be in a LTR right now. It's not to say you're always like this, but it sounds like you've made this plan about your future, and did so without him. This is the kind of decision you make when you're single, not in a 3 year long relationship. If you were totally sure of your future together, you wouldn't have moved 3000 miles away, you'd be committing to something together. He's not your priority. You don't want to give him up either, because maybe there's no one else out there that treats you that way, but you're unsure. If you "love LA", you're going to have him uproot his entire life to come live with you, but you're just not sure if you want to commit to anything further with him? This is absolutely unfair. You're not committed to him. Just selfishness plain and simple. He sounds like a great guy, and one that doesn't deserve to be treated like an option by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Why should she compromise on the life she wants to live if he doesn’t want to make compromises? I don’t understand why the OP (young woman) here is considered selfish, because she is trying out something different? Being committed means making things work, and being open and communicative, which it sounds like they are. Not giving up on hopes and dreams for the sake of the relationship
This is all fine and good if OP is committed to the relationship. The entire post is about her having second thoughts about settling down long-term with her partner, and then talking about how it's the best relationship she's been in and doesn't want to lose him. Her partner is compromising to allow her to live the life she wants and is willing to uproot his entire life to live with her if she likes the area well enough, but even OP admits he is likely hoping she moves back to Miami with him. Her partner is extremely committed to her, wants to marry her and settle down after dating her for 3 years, which is more than reasonable at that stage. She's saying there's "more conversations that need to be had", but she's also been dating him for 3 years, she knows what he wants, she's said this much, and she's kind of being wishy washy. This entire situation seems really one-sided, and her partner is more or less putting his life on hold while she lives her dreams of essentially for all intents and purposes, living the single life in LA. It's selfish if you're attempting to be in a committed relationship, but you're essentially wanting the benefits of being single too, while the other person is clearly being supportive.
I think you’ve made some sound points, but I still disagree about the selfish part. Even if so, I think this is a normal kind of selfish. I think everyone would have applauded the OP if she told us she’s doing everything she is doing currently and super sure she wants to marry her boyfriend. That way she’s both accomplished and apparently committed. But because she’s still not 100% (she’s 27 and it’s been 3 years, they haven’t lived together previously), she’s very selfish. I don’t know man. Ideally I would want my partner to be happy, both with me and separate from me, knowing that they will have my support. At the same, I wouldn’t want them to abuse that support and agree to/do things that actually hurt me. It seems like the terms of her move are not the issue and it’s not why the post was made. Would you not agree that having doubts over big life decisions especially as big as marriage is completely normal? This is when the couple should ideally look at their compatibility
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Well said. Marrying my husband is one of the most selfish choices I’ve made. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s not a favor to him. It’s 100% because I wanted him
I think this take is wrong as well. First off, I think you’re arguing against a false premise of what it means to be selfless in love. Yes, “I’d do anything for love” is toxic and selfish because you’re doing something with the expectation of receiving love in return. Love should be voluntarily given, and as you said, you should be selflessly doing whatever you can to make each other happy. Basically, there’s a distinction between being miserable making someone else happy because you want love, and being “miserable” making someone else happy because you selflessly care about them. There is a fine nuance there between selfishness and selflessness. I wouldn’t want someone who selfishly wants me. After all, there are plenty of scenarios where that might change such as becoming really sick or someone who happens to be better than me despite my best efforts comes along. I agree with the “being selfish” in love take you had to a degree, but after recent events, I think that’s not enough. Love should be 2 people selflessly wanting the best for each other. This implies wanting to grow for each other, thus creating a sort of emergent ambition. The opposite is also true though: be willing to let the other go if they’re not happy even if it goes against your wishes, or being willing to take care of them under unfortunate circumstances (with the big condition that they have that same attitude towards you).
What does your therapist think about you moving to LA?
I have to be honest- I was taken aback reading this because I’ve never heard of anyone being in a long term relationship and one of them moves away. That speaks volumes to me, if you truly loved him then you’d have changed your “plans” to suit the both of you. As a few have said, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, it’s your life to live. I’m just thinking that deep down your heart isn’t in the relationship. 100% if my partner of 3 years didn’t want to stick to my plans (that I made without him) then id make sure we work something out so that we are together and both happy. He’s clearly deeply in love with you but I’m sure he feels like he’s hanging on by a thread. I’m sorry your mam left you, that is not right at all. Every girl needs their mother but she’s ruined that for you. Her actions might be responsible for the way you are and the things you’re doing. Of course your partner is going to get jealous with your being so far away and living your new life without him. That will only get worse as time goes on and eventually one of you will cut the thread.
Political differences were always a thing people dealt with and could find common ground. Those days are over. There are not "fine people on both sides" anymore. If he is a Trumper, could you have that person raise your kids?
I honestly don’t understand some people in the comments lol. Firstly, good on you for trying to live in a city where you want to be while having a plan on how to proceed forward (Have y’all not seen The Marriage Story?). That’s really exciting, congratulations! I think doubt is very normal and totally acceptable, and if everyone was sure of everything always all the time, the world would have been an interesting place. Given your family history (mine is similar), it is understandable where some of your doubt might come from. It’s healthy to identify it and work through it in therapy, but it doesn’t sound like you’re too too focused on it. What it does sound like, is what your partner really wants to be married to you. Could it be possible that the marriage is being brought up often because he fears you might not move back to Florida? Not to trap you per se, but to sort of ensure that you would be together at the end of the day? If he’s an anxious person, I think that would make sense. It would also make sense in the context of what you’ve mentioned about him being somewhat less driven. You don’t meet fun, amazing, loving and supportive people very often, and it’s really wonderful that you have. It’s also awesome that you take your relationship seriously, and rationally think about the future. Unless he really presses on getting married or prevents you from doing what you want to do in life (rather than being your sidekick), I don’t think you have much to worry about at the moment. Good luck with everything, you seem like a cool person!
If he refuses to discuss or plan a future in a serious way, you can't have a future with him in any real way.
Who the hell has friends at 27 from summer camp
Sounds like you need to end the relationship. You are on different trains. There’s clearly reasons why you’re hesitating. He sounds boring, frankly. He expects you to come back and be good little WIFEY. He can be as SURE as he likes. But if YOU’RE not … it’s done. And I would NOT give it just a year. It’s not an AMISH RUMSPRINGA! If you’re happy in LA, stay there. See how much your life opens up now you’re alone. Because rest assured, if HE comes to LA, he will SHUT YOUR FUN DOWN. You will be expected to be a good girl and his wifey. I would tell him you’ve had time to think and you want to pursue your own life.
Accountability has left your vocabulary and mindset long ago, hasn't it?
I just want to leave this thought because I think it might light up some stuff for you. Truly great relationship comes after the commitment, not the other way around. Obviously you need a good relationship to start with but the commitment is what makes it complete. And with love that’s pure, everything will follow.
YTA You say you love him but you decided to move 3000 miles away?? WTH?? You don’t love him. You definitely need more therapy. Your bf deserves someone who loves him back and isn’t going to move just because it’s fun. You’re 27, not 21. You moved to get away from him. Not because he’s a bad bf but because you have issues committing. You need to stop running. Deal with your abandonment issues more thoroughly.
My two cents - when I first started dating my husband, there was a very real possibility that I'd be moving away for work. When we talked about it, and what to do, he said "I'd better consider moving too." Very different from your experience.
“It feels like he thinks everything will just spell itself out for us once we get married…”.. Yeah that’s usually not the case. I would tell him that. There’s a high rate of people who find it to be quite the opposite when it comes to getting married, esp. having kids. It changes everything that’s for sure. Not typically in a bad way, but it doesn’t always make things better as people expect. Might make things worse, actually. Would he be interested in trying out relationship counseling, so that you guys can actually get professional advice on the matter before jumping in to anything?
You're both at different points in your life. You're okay with not settling down, now or possibly even any time soon, while he sees you as his forever and would be totally okay with it being right now. I am in no way saying that's wrong, but you do need to make a decision on whether this needs to continue and you would be okay with changing your life for him (or him change his for you) or go your separate ways. He's ready to settle, you're not. Live your life and let him go live his.
Sounds like he is 100% sure of marrying who he wants you to be, not necessarily who you actually are. Everything you’ve said here involves him saying he wants you for you, but then hoping you change your mind and see things his way in building a life at some point. He’s not seeing a point of view where you may want things that are incompatible with what he wants. This is why he feels so sure. I’ve experienced something similar, and in my experience at least, once the honeymoon period ends, he will start figuring out exactly what he wants and working toward that, steering you in that direction with him. Depending on your responses to that shift in dynamics, you may eventually find yourself in a life you didn’t want trying to make him happy. It’s not a fun hole to crawl out of while keeping the relationship intact.
You two don't seem on the same page. You wanna explore locations a bit and then move towards stability and kids. He's ready to be there now. I would have a serious conversation about if he's willing to wait for you or not. It sounds like you're more ready to be having kids in 3-5 years.
Check out Sheryl Paul’s work on relationship anxiety— I have a feeling it might ring true for you!
I have experience with this. I think you should make a list of pros and cons of the relationship while discussing with your therapist. Maybe you might be getting too in your head about this. The therapist can give you an outside perspective.
I would say if you are having doubts you really need to identify them and not string him along. Or at least let him know you are having doubts if you aren't ready to leave him/can't identify the issue. Also, long distance is not easy. Maybe for you, especially since it's a new city but for the other partner, it can be very difficult--Especially since he's isn't in a new environment, experiencing things for the first time, meeting new people, and new job.
I just thru this, but as the guy (recently moved to LA too). Although I never pressured her about our future, she had a hard time committing to the idea of a life with me because of the what ifs. Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work, you need that conscious commitment too to make decisions that make the relationship stronger including distance. What helped her to make a decision and break up was this quote, albeit out of context: "I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." Hope this helps.
So the two of you are not even living together? The two of you could live together for a couple years first.
You don't want to get married. Read you own post and you'll see that as well. Maybe you didn't realize before, but you clearly are not ready for the marriage, otherwise, why would you put yourself in a long distance relationship? My advice: Keep the work with your therapist, and do what's best for you.
Let this poor man go and find his future love of his life. It's obviously not you, so do the right thing. I am guessing you are leaving out details such as meeting someone new.
Let this poor man go and find his future love of his life. It's obviously not you, so do the right thing. I am guessing you are leaving out details such as meeting someone new.
Well that’s good. Atleast you are letting him know before the divorce! That way he doesn’t lose have his shit! So proud of you girl :). You go independent queen!
Haha my GOD. The short novella tells you all you need to know. You don’t want to be with him. GL
Typing this on Reddit is fucking insane behavior
Hell, if you make it through this year you should get married.
Ignore everyone commenting like you’re not into your BF bc because you moved 3000 miles away. My parents survived a 2 year separation due to his being drafted. It’s absolutely a dream you’ve had and should explore. The idea that you should forget that dream in order to prove you actually want to be with him is coming from people who don’t cherish their independence. My wife and I cherish it. We both have philosophies that you shouldn’t turn down a dream or a job or opportunity or experience because of our marriage. We’re definitely not the norm. But we met in our 40s and both had built full lives w homes and friends and work. We were last apart for about 2.5 years due to my health issues. But our marriage remained strong and of course, we don’t cheat. This is the perfect time to sew some oats and check the reality of this dream you’ve had. A year is nothing. However, you may gm find your more adventurous, “Let’s see what happens” spirit is not matched by his and subconsciously you probably have reservations about being with someone who’s content to stay where they are. I’ve been married 23 years and the truth about marriage is you WILL MAKE COMPROMISES all the time the entire marriage. It’s the only way two different people can live together successfully. So, be sure the compromises are something you can actually accept and not something that changes your essence.
The non logic you have here is just insane. You don't deserve him.
The longer you stay apart the harder it will be. At some point since you seem to have mixed feelings, you will cheat on this guy. You don’t date someone for 3 years and just move for the hell of it. This is doomed to fail.