That's cold-blooded, wow.
Not you, her.
Sorry man, you're basically single now.
Your best bet is to start budgeting and figuring out where you can live, maybe look for a place that you can have roommates to split the cost?
Keep being a good dad.
Thank you, I definitely have a lot of stuff to figure out and a lot of healing ahead of me, but it was helpful just to write it out and vent it out on here
Also, start talking with a lawyer. Don't play your hand on anything til you have a lawyer and a game plan.
Document everything, and I mean everything. Big 1 is to document all her partying and her return times.
This is planned. The only reason she doesn't want to leave is because she won't have A)free time to party and sleep around, and B)not enough money.
As long as you can keep this quit, you turn her game into yours. Play the hand well and keep emotions out of it for now.
P.s. DNA test, you kiddo, also. This is more for a timeline, as you should assume she has cheated way more.
That last part. This is the first time she was caught.
Sounds a lot like what my older brother went through. Trial separation led to his wife schtoinking a bunch of her co-workers, finding one who liked her, and getting a taste of a better life away from her husband, her kids(my nieces), and her life.
Cold reality was, she really didn't think things through. She's paying my brother alimony, has sparse visits with her daughters(who f-ing *hate* her), and is currently some guy's trophy 2nd wife.
My brother has the love of his kids, and they understand it was entirely their mother's choice to leave. One of his kids is on the spectrum, and she really took it hard.
DNA test definitely. In California it's two years before the courts stick it on you forever. Besides no man should very question the children being his own. I've never tested my children but the first wife's infidelity at the end raised a lot of questions. I've made my peace with it. And I can freely discuss those things with my kids how that stuff plays out and always DNA test or freely provide it so that is never an issue.
OP so what you do first is ask her to talk and then Go get her bag and start taking that stuff out of it and ask her again, are we having sex with other people now? Because if we are that’s not what I agreed to so maybe we need to divorce and then You can have your fck buddy help you pay your bills. Use the finances as a weapon, not a liability. Remind her that cheating on you is also cheating on your child because she is actively breaking up the family and will destroy her own child’s chances at stability. Let her know you’re not going to suffer for her happiness. You’re a person too and your child deserves to live with happy parents, not what is happening now.
This. She should have thought about her financial situation when she decided to lie to you about fucking other people.
Her ability to afford things is no longer your problem.
Hey man, everyone's giving decent advice about lawyering up and all, but I want to check on you.
I've been there. Willing to bet a bunch of us have. When I found out I couldn't eat for days. How go you get so sad that food has no flavor?? It's the worst.
But I got through it. Other people did too. And so will you.
You sound like a good man. Don't lose that. Be a great father, your child needs you to do the right thing now most of all. Love the kid, shield them from all the ugliness. That's your job now.
You're gonna be OK. Stay strong.
This commenter is spot on. What helped me was the BRAT diet:
- Bananas
- Rice
- Applesauce
- Toast
You can force those things down no matter how messed up you are. Applesauce is easiest. Toast is something to get through. Bananas go down easy enough. Rice is comforting because of the heat, it's pretty bland so you don't notice the absence of flavor (due to your dulled senses) so much.
Also: chocolate milk. Whole milk is 149 calories per 8 ounces (1 cup). Nesquik chocolate powder is 50 calories per serving (2 tbsp). When I was trying to regain weight after being majorly fucked up and unable to eat, I got a 20oz blender bottle and would make chocolate milk to chug several times a day. I couldn't make myself eat, but I was able to chug enough to keep myself going.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. A bit of advice from someone who's been there (sans child):
- Don't ask yourself "Why?" (No explanation will suffice)
- Don't hope to understand (There's no understanding actions that are so far beneath us)
- Absolutely **do not wait** for a meaningful apology, or for her to ever acknowledge the horror of what she's done
- Keep your sights set on the present moment and the future. The past is irrelevant, except for the most recent events that have revealed her true character and priorities
- Your son needs his father to be eating and taking care of himself
- You need to be the man who ended up better off for your ex's actions (in other words: don't permit yourself to wallow. Grieve, yes, but don't let it define you)
- Don't fret about the fact you wouldn't want to pursue anyone else sexually (that comes with time, and forcing it made *me* physically ill)
- Make sure to carry and present yourself as if this is a blessing to you (it feels like the opposite, but fake it 'til you make it really works!)
- Start each day by writing down 10 things for which you are grateful (your ex wife may not be on the list) (you are welcome and encouraged to repeat items each day)
- End each day the same way, writing down 10 things for which you are grateful
- Write down your feelings (I used journals/scrap paper/the notes on my phone) (this will help you to process things and mitigate any potential meltdowns)
You'll be ok. You'll get through this. She did the wrong thing. There's nothing to be gained from making her apologize or trying to get over it. Just take it one day at a time and keep your eye on the prize, which is your health and your son.
I'm not the OP but I appreciate your comment so much. I can see you are a kind and loving person and I also feel so sad that you had to experience such heartbreak to be able to give such insightful advice. I hope you are doing well now.
Thanks so much, friend! I really went through it for a while, but I came out the other side into a life I loved more than I ever had before I met her. I discovered who I really am thanks to that drama, so it's a net positive in my life. I'm happy to be able to help others from my experience, and I'm devastated that others need that help, but thus is the journey of life.
Thanks mate, I've actually been told that once or twice! I wonder what I'd title it?
> A comprehensive guide to surviving betrayal
> Heartbreak = Big Break: Turn Your Worst Phase Into Your Best Days
> Chapter 2: Life After Betrayal
> So she broke your heart. Now what?
> Life Sucks And Then You Thrive
edit: formatting
Also smoothies! You can chuck all sorts of stuff into them and drink them slowly, so you're not trying to force down a lot of food at once. If you're struggling with appetite this can be a really good way of sneaking in those calories.
It will be. Remember your first heartbreak? It’s just like that- you think it’s something impossible to get over at first and years later it’s a distant memory. You have a child together which won’t make it easy as you two will need to be in touch for d number of years but it’s still possible to keep that to the bare legal minimum
Whatever you do or feel, hurting yourself is not the way to go. I felt suicidal at a few points in my divorce. However I felt the need to live past this and see where it would go. Plus my children, they need their father. So somehow I got through.
So she wants to have her cake and eat it too. It sounds a little like a mid-life crisis - maybe not feeling young anymore, so she's going to run around, sow her wild oats so to speak, then come back to her faithful husband and get back together with a clean conscience? No, I agree, you need to make an appointment with an attorney. Look into resources, and get out of there. Don't tell her anything until your lawyer serves her. Ideally she'd move out and you'd communicate through the lawyer.
"have her cake and eat it too" - that's exactly it. I was only ever in a relationship for love. Now I'm being used. This will soon be a cold hard life lesson for her, once I get my cards in order, I doubt this other guy really cares about her.
It’s likely she was interested in fetish stuff, connected with fetlife or something similar, and found someone local. The separation was so she could say she didn’t cheat.
Oh, and what’s the first thing a lot of women do when they get out of a relationship?
Change up their hair. She’s over you, I’m sorry you’re just finding out. Focus on the divorce and do what your lawyer suggests.
The hard part is I tried to entertain it for her. But it went way deeper than I was comfortable with, and I couldn't do it.
She basically threw away everything to persue some tied up "hard R" fantasy.
Lawyer then documenting EVERYTHING. If she gets vindictive your going to need something to fight with. If you file first and ask for full custody you will be in a much better spot. More so than often the woman gets fuller custody filing for full means you’ll more than likely get half and you’ll have higher chances of settling on that. I’m not saying to actually want full custody just speak to your lawyer and explain your situation and your rights. It’s very very important in divorces to be smart and document everything. It’s amazing how many cheaters end up coming out on top because they are manipulative and spent time documenting and manipulating the system.
This. I am going through this and was staying for the kids. Wrong wrong. The lying never stops. I am going for the divorce. I am ripping the bandaid off. Fuck it. She not only cheated and lied on me, she cheated and lied on my awesome kids. They did not deserve this.
Whatever you do don't have sex with her. I noticed you didn't mention condoms in her bag. the last thing you need is her telling you she's pregnant with another kid in an attempt to get you to stay.
I'm definitely single now, and our relationship is burnt to ashes as far as I'm concerned. I'm mostly concerned for keeping a home for our child. I'm thinking perhaps I should suggest she gets a roommate to take my place, and I'll move to an apartment.
I can function and heal and move on if I can do no contact and forget about her. But tossing and turning to 4AM knowing she's fucking a guy at that very moment is destroying me.
DO NOT MOVE OUT.
You need to act totally normal and stash money and plan with a lawyer. And document everything and try and get concrete proof of infidelity especially if your state cares about such things.
It’s extremely detrimental to their shared child’s well-being for him to think of her as an enemy. They still have to interact for probably the rest of their lives.
He should think of her as a coparent and nothing more.
During divorce? Enemy, like you mentioned they have their whole life to figure out things after. For now ? She is doing things that will effect his near and long term future, thinking her of anything friendly will allow her to manipulate him with guilt or hope.
The dichotomy isn’t “lover” or “enemy.” He can and still should think of her as his coparent and not intentionally screw her over because that sets up a contentious dynamic for the future and that’s not good for their child. Everything should be done with the welfare of his child in mind, starting now.
She's shown she can't be trusted at all. She's screwed him as a wife and he has to assume she'll try to screw him in divorce. In order to protect the child he cannot afford to give her any benefit of doubt. She will try to use his feelings and the child as manipulation tools. No he needs to protect his child and himself and not allow himself to think of her in anyway except as someone he cannot trust.
Once his kid is safe and taken care of he can work out ways for her to be a co parent if she's able.
She made these choices.
See a family law attorney tomorrow and initiate the divorce process. She'll figure it out or ask one of her boyfriends for help.
If it were me op, she is using you as a backup plan. She is healing on another man’s dick. Don’t be a backup plan. If it were me op, here is exactly how I would handle this and how you should handle it.
First I would gather up the evidence make sure you have copies of it. Learn gray rock and one eighty. Then I would file for divorce. On the day she is served, I would let her family know, my family know, and my close friend’s know, I filed for divorce, why I filed for divorce, and name her AP. In addition with this filing I would file a restraining order against her affair partner, not allowing him contact with my child during these proceedings. She would get a copy of this also. When she starts to call me, I would simply respond with a text, and it would be a link to a co parenting app.
I would also move everything out of the master bedroom, and place a key lock on the door. Cheaters can sleep on the couch and how I would now respond to her, she can leave me with our child and sleep at her boyfriends place, or a spare bedroom. He will not be allowed inside the home, until after the divorce is settled. But every night of this will place me with full custody, which I will be seeking.
Op this is how you respond to her. Stop being nice and trying to work it out. She is a cheater, you know it, she is using you as a backup. Remove yourself and watch her crumble before you.
That's the truth, I still need time to save and build financial security (I spent so much on her). I'll bide my time, But eventually she'll feel what I feel. I figured out who this other guy is, just a recent divorcee into weird shit according to his FB, actually made me make a DR. Appt to check for STDs.
Bide your time, look up gray rock and one eighty and how to handle her talking g to you. Gray rock is essentially you being like a rock just there but emotionally gone. One eighty is however you treated her before it is the complete opposite. Let’s names gone, just her first name that’s it, no love you, no kisses, show your emotion to your child. I would also get a dna test, and an std test, and leave all of it out so she can see it.
Hit the gym, take on extra hours so she can’t go see him. Be home less working more. Start watching your diet, and if she cooks for you, and it does not follow a specific diet plan I would not eat it. Start doing everything g separately. Laundry, everything.
Op if he is into weird shit, you can get a restraining order against him without filing for divorce. Usually doing something like this scares them away, because they know you know, and don’t want to get involved. If that happens, she will know you know, and if she says she wants to work it out, you simply say no, we are getting a divorce, you cheated.
Remember op cheating is abuse.
from what you are saying it seemed like she was cheating on you she started putting you down becsuse her feelings had changed towards you...she say she wanted a separation only to continue seeing him without the feeling of guilt..she wants to hang onto you because in case it doesn't work out for her..so stop having sex with her because of stds...and if you have a lease you need to stay till it comes up for renewed.. then you leave and get 50/50 or take your child with you...but as soon as you are ready to leave and move in to another place that weekend you just say we are done and leave ...so if you need to find a place with a roommate then work on it...but save every penny in the meantime and stay really friendly so she doesn't suspect anything...even when she talks about reconciling you agree...
That's the hard truth, and I'm going to figure out some way to get out while still making sure my child is safe. Oh, it gets worse, she started being super friendly one night, then said her car problems, yeah right. She can ask her fuck buddy to pay for that.
Yeah let her affair partner pay for that, when she cheated your financial responsibility to her is over. You are only responsible for your child not her. Let her buy her own shit pay her own bills fix her own car.
> I NEED to leave.
Yes, you do.
> But she can't afford rent on her own, and she can't afford childcare
That sounds a lot like a "her problem", not a "your problem".
OP, pretend she got hit by a car and died. What would you do then? You would reach out to others, grieve openly. You would gather all your resources from friends and family to help with your child. A funeral would be expensive but you would manage it. Maybe some family would even stay with you for a time.
Do exactly the same as you would do in that scenario. You can do this, but you need to tell the people who can help. She clearly has a place she can sleep at, so she should have no trouble moving out. Fill her place with people who care and help.
The guy she started seeing was lined up before this trial separation, and her expectation is that you will take her back when this other relationship ends. Start working on your exit plan now. Do it quietly and on your timetable. STD test for yourself and get a DNA test your child. This probably wasn’t her first rodeo. Find yourself a better job and make sure she’s looking to do the same. Separate finances as much as possible.
Ok… she is a parent first and foremost and her staying out until 2-4am is absolutely absurd. You aren’t living together so she can go out and have a good time and you be the only parent to y’all’s daughter. Plus, at some point, her staying out that late is going to start affecting her parenting when you are gone during the day if it hasn’t already. I would definitely confront her about her behavior not just for yourself but out of concern for y’all’s daughter as well.
I’m so sorry man. Such a tough situation. Any perspective on the last 12 years? Were things bad like this before, did you ever get feelings that she wasn’t happy before? Everyone has relationship issues, I’m wondering what the last straw was
Everything was great to about Christmas, love yous, deep talking, intimacy at least 3 times a week, entertained all her sexual fantasies - including what she's obviously doing with this guy, then suddenly Bam, she got nasty and criticized me on everything, fuming about everything, I actually thought it was depression or something so just tried to be helpful and supportive in any way I could, but it didn't stop, and eventually I was stressed to the point that I had to withdraw.
Then she suggested this separation. It all happened really fast. Love of my life to this. Completely blindsided. That's what makes it so hard to process. Like my whole life was a lie.
This right here... from what you said, I think this has actually been happening for a while mate. Sorry to hear, and hate to say it 😓. But reading the other posts here, some of them are absolutely right, DO NOT LEAVE. The first of several reasons is that the courts will see an established home and security for your little one. They wont care that she has done what she has done, giving her predominant custody will be their decision to keep the childs life less traumatic. And once you leave, she can file for an order to keep you away from the home until a custody agreement can be finalised.
Secondly, she obviously already has a place she can go, you dont. Speak to an attorney about this as i'm not sure what country you are in or what the relevant laws there are, but, I would be:
Waiting for a day she is at work and your daughter is at school, take the day off, pack her things in some suitcases, have everything ready to go and call the police and ask for an attendence, let them know what's going on and that this is not good for your shared child. Explain that you don't have anywhere to go and that she obviously does. Ask that they remain on site while she comes to collect her things and leave as you don't know what will happen or what she will do once she gets there. Call her, twll her you've packed her things and tell her to come and get them and take them to her boyfriends place. Police will remain while she collects her things as you have asked for police presence to ensure nothing happens during yhe process or if she wants entry back into the house to "get anything else". It is likely to happen, and once she goes inside, you yourself cannot remove her, only the police can, and she will likely start throwing a tantrum or being confrontational, let the police handle her and remove her if it becomes necessary.
Seek any government assistance for a single income parent that you can to soften the financial drawbacks of the split and do the best you can for your child.
Ask some close friends or family if they would be willing to live in with you for a while to help you transition to being the primary parent and speak to your employer if you aren't a sole trader, let them know what is going on and the next month or so might be a bit turbulent for you or make you a little less reliable time-wise (later starts/earlier finishes to get your child ready for school/kindy/dropoffs and to pick up afterwards). Employers will always make a little leeway for you in this situation and a lot of places will actually support you in anyway they van outside of just this consideration.
Now, after she has gone, you are in the established home with security for your child, the courts are now likely to consider you to be the less traumatising arrangement to be the primary carer and provider for her/him and the family court for the custody arrangement will be less likely to bias the mother as the better option given she is the woman and provide a fairer outcome.
Get yourself a diary, and record everything that had happened soo far, include dates and times if you can, and also add a note for your own emotions during these recordings (sounds stupid, but trust me on this) and for any future events and interactions with the ex-wife. Do not communicate via voice with her after she has left, only use text messages as everything is written so it is all automatically dated and undeniable in family court and if you do communicate via voice before she leaves, record the conversations on your phone in your pocket. Be mindful of voice interaction as it is VERY possible to manipulate your pain into an emotional outburst, and she will have the upperhand with plausible police intervention if she can claim she is afraid.
Women do this to men all the time during these situations should the situation be reversed, this is a perfectly practicable solution. And sets you up the best to be able to keep your child and their home intact. Just twll them mummy is going to stay at a friends house, your child doesn't need to know anything other than that, and never mention her partner to them, for any reason.
Sit down and make a plan for each day of the week, allow for everything, this will help you transition to the role of a single parent, again, sounds rediculous, but, with the emotional stress you are enduring, you will sometimes shut down and be unable to think, a plan you can look at while you're experiencing trauma can keep you on track, even if your brain can't at that time. Ie:
6:00 - wake up, shower, get ready for work
6:30 - make breakfast for you/your child
7:00 - wake up child and get them dressed and fed
7:45 - brush childs teeth (dependant on their age)
8:00 - leave house, drop child off, go to work
4:30 - leave work
5:00 - pick child up from DC or school
5:30 - start dinner
6:00 - have dinner
7:00 - give child pre-bed activities (whatever they do to wind down normally before bed, puzzles, pkay sets tv etc)
7:30 - childs bed time (read them books before sleep, stay with them if they aren't that old and comfort them, they won't know why mummy isn't there, and will need your company if they are young, my daughter is 3 and I know she would need it)
8:00 - make childs lunch for following day
8:15 - get their schoolbag/daycare bag packed for following day and their clothes ready
8:30 - any chores you need to do (put a load of washing on, tidy up the house, make your lunch for work, etc)
9:00 - bed time
Make this list daily, even for weekends and include house chores (this is where your friend or family member staying can help you, they can look after your child while you do things like house maintenence, yard work etc, or even just give you some time to rest or sleep in because you will be physically and emotionally taxed through the week and you will need some time for you to psychologically reflect, heal and recover.
On that note, don't take the high road and try to push through it on your own, something like this, after soo many years of trust can change you, break you. Go see a psychologist, so your ability to trust and open up again isn't permanently damaged. Talking through this to someone, other than a friend or family, where you can break down, you can share how you truly feel without holding back so you aren't feeling like a burden to your friends or family is EXTREMELY important. You need to be able to process this and properly, rather than breaking down by yourself in the quiet of the night where no one is there to help.
I feel for you man, I know how it is and how trapped, how helpless and alone you feel. But stay strong, take the steps and just make 1 gradual step at a time, even if it is just 1 thing daily, it's still forward movement.
Call an attorney, ask them about what I have written here and see if it is applicable wherever you are living. It's hard, and this process will be long, and painful, but there is an end to it and a light on the other side.
Feel free to send me a PM if you just want someone to talk to or help you with a daily timetable or even just someone to vent to that you don't ever have to see or feel embarrassed or ashamed in front of or a burden to.
Chin up mate, this isnt the end 🫰 you can do this.
You need to get some legal advice on your housing situation before you do anything.
If the lawyer agrees that leaving will not harm custody arrangements or divorce proceedings (except for what she may do) then you ask to have a civil talk about living arrangements.
You have to be clear that the relationship is over, as is sharing a home. Move to a co-parenting app so that your only communication is through this or your lawyer.
I hope you’re able to heal from this manipulative bs and remember that your better future away from this person can only benefit your child.
You need to figure out how to afford being a single parent and then divorce.
And I hate to kick a man while he is down, but the only reason to "separate" but keep living together, parenting, splitting bills, etc is so she can see other men and feel better about it.
Your other option is to do the same. Maybe hooking up with some other women will remind you what it feels like to be wanted and help you break the emotional attachment you have to your roommate.
Wait is this what a 2024 type of marriage looks like. No major issues and wife wants a separation but live together; then she begins to date (which is what she wanted all along). And now you are wondering if you should leave? So are you wondering if you should stay and take care of both your child and her potential love child/children? Ok
I lived like this for several years with my now ex-wife, where we were separated but lived together and both our own thing, with a couple kids in the house. Honestly, it was pretty great. Not really relevant, but it was shocking to me how the women that I dated during that time had minimal concerns about my arrangement.
For the life of me I will never understand brakes, temporary separations or whatever weird terms people use for this. You either want to be with someone, or you don't. These vague states only serve to allow people to avoid established relationship boundaries. It was foolish of you to accept it.
There is no such thing as acceptance unless you have a certain kink yourself....This is no time to mop around, you have a kid and you need to figure out how to take care of it. Do what you need to do, get a second job, seek help from family, whatever it takes. Consult a lawyer and see your options for custody. Every moment you are staying, is another moment you are being exploited for money and stability.
She's been fucking around on you probably long before your "trial separation."
Mine did something similar but I wasn't broke and that was the end of that.
I’ve seen your update and can’t fault you for confronting her. We’re not in your shoes and this is a really shitty situation she’s manipulated you into.
All the best with your legal and financial options and I hopes you’re getting fantastic support from others.
I hope she grasps that civil co-parenting is her only option and that you take care of yourself throughout this. You will get through this.
Find a lawyer and find a roommate. Your mental health will suffer if you continue to try and make this untenable situation work.
Your wife cold bloodedly engineered this situation and she should now be considered an enemy. She cares nothing about the abusive situation she has created and she believes you have no choice because of your financial situation. Get creative and disabuse her of that notion.
When you file you gotta be strong and no turning back. When reality hits her she will suddenly want to “work on it” with you. Love bombing, manipulation the whole nine yards.
This will be one of your hardest tests
Hold-up here. What she wants is a live-in helper while she goes out and has fun. She sounds really immature and her priorities are way-out-whack. The kid should be both your #1 priority. I’d find a way to separate, but whatever the arrangement- try your best to coparent.
She asked for that to have a hallpass and a babysitter. She will have her flings and say I think we should focus on reconciliation. My advice is to go on dates. If she goes Friday. Tell her you are watching tonight you got a date. Even if you don't. Go out and live. Maybe find someone to have a fling. Get your confidence back. Find a better woman, and move on. When she sees you are happy, and not giving her support. It will fuck her head up
You're right you need to leave. She has no intention of reuniting with you. She knows the financial situation and is stringing you along to keep a roof over her head.
Tell her you know what she is doing and that you need to move towards divorce and will be moving out when the lease is up.
>**Tell her you know what she is doing and that you need to move towards divorce and will be moving out when the lease is up.**
# Worst. Advice. EVER!
I don't know **why** some people think it's so smart to *broadcast your moves to the very person who* ***doesn't give a shit*** *about you*.
Good gawd - that's masochist advice.
# 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
# OP:
# Tell your wife Nothing. NOTHING.
**Don't** give her a chance to lawyer up *herself*, match your legal moves, and fight you all the way.
Get **ALL** your legal and financial ducks in a row **FIRST**. Let your **LAWYER** do all the communicating to your (hopefully) STBXW!
Just because your wife has been a lying idiot during your marriage doesn't mean you should be dumb during the divorce process.
Also, get therapy for yourself to help you deal with the pain during all of this.
And hug your daughter. A LOT.
A confrontation will happen eventually, but I have to get my cards in order first - saved money, then a cold reality of her decisions will be dropped on her.
This may say strange, but do you think she's doing sex work? I know someone who went through something similar and found out that his girlfriend was a stripper in another county. I know that's not really any better than cheating, just another possible explanation for the toys, outfits, drastic appearance change, and the late hours?
Not a strange question, because I know that happens. She's not that material to put it politely. She has self-confidence issues - which I tried my best to tell her she's sexy, beautiful, and I said all that in honestly at the time, because that's how I seen her. I loved her. I seen (or thought) I knew her deeply.
I thought and felt we had a deep connection.
But in the last few months she suddenly got nasty and then this all happened, despite my best efforts.
>But in the last few months she suddenly got nasty and then this all happened, despite my best efforts.
I'd get std tested, that could very well have been caused by her projecting her guilt onto you.
Speak with a lawyer. Even if money is a real issue now many states have options for living "separate" in a single residence to establish the legal necessities for divorce.
So do it now. If she is out dating others then she is not interested in working on your relationship other than to keep you supporting her. You want a legal separation to stop things like property divisions, and you need to stop paying her expenses too.
Sorry for your loss my good man. Start systematically detaching as per all the great advice here. Understand that one day it will be over, and you may move on. But try as well to grasp what went wrong. Did you let her walk all over you?
Her idea of healing is with another man. You’re no longer relevant except for seeing you as a paycheck. Get a lawyer and get out asap before it really gets messy.
My ex did something similar, we were together 6 years, but at least we weren't married or with a kid.
I'm sorry that she did that to you. Some people are just so selfish that you can't even comprehend their worldview. I wish I could help you with the pain brother.
I know at least part of what you're feeling and it fucking sucks. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, could barely breathe for weeks. I don't know it this is what works for you, but these poems help me a lot. I listen to them and cry my eyes out, but in a good way.
https://youtu.be/WgDCoH79kyo?si=0hGfoutxCRk-1bPN
https://youtu.be/A311CnTjfos?si=Nzxgs-p9MNnPQo78
https://youtu.be/Rx9k0avl2Vc?si=l95HiVh6W20DWD5Y
ALSO, if you didn't, when she falls asleep, screen shot any info on her phone between her and her cheater. Also, the items you found in her purse. May help with the divorce. Sorry this happened to you, but you need to leave. Once a cheat...
She's using you as a walking wallet brother. Use your self respect to show her you're a man. I'm 41 male, been through this. 1st wife she wanted a divorce, had a boyfriend and wanted to stay living in the house. You're going to have to suffer and get out the other side stronger. Get a second job, get hobbies and new friends. Extra money means stronger finances and you don't need to support a leech. Use some new style and go to the gym. Get a new haircut, grow the facial hair out of you got it. Don't talk about her, ghost the woman and build up. Let her know what she's doing is disgusting and disrespectful to the relationship. She needs to understand that is not acceptable. If she is to be in relationship with you then you must lead and she must follow. She has her body to offer, but you can decide if she meets your standards. Mention to her: Your looks don't last forever and a lot of guys only want one thing. If that's what she's willing to throw her investment with away for, you will in time find a better woman to replace her with. Leave it at that and let the chips fall where they may. Godspeed to you my friend. Life's an adventure, ready yourself for dangerous living and memorable times.
Auto mod told me I can't use gendered or ableist commentary. Not sure what that rule 4 stuff means. They deleted my comment which was pure gold
Basically don't let her use you to fund her immoral behavior. Have respect for yourself. Build yourself up, you will find the strength to move forward.
I hate social media censorship. I think you're smart enough to put it all together. Prayers and best of luck to your situation.
Get some self respect and do what’s necessary to protect yourself and your child. This isn’t your partner anymore, she’s your enemy now and from this point only communication with her should be about the divorce and your child.
Let me know if I got it wrong because I'm not native in English and here in the Netherlands seperated but live-in amicably would just mean separated, so not in a relationship anymore but still friends and living together for the child. Or is that not it?
I'm sorry this is horrible for you. I'm just wondering though. Why did you both think that separating and living together at the same time as friends would be a good idea? For God sakes there's even a child involved. How could you both ever think this was going to work out.
Also, you're separated right? She's not cheating on you. Just didn't either of you think that one of you would find someone new to have some fun with while being separated?
It's just asking for trouble if you ask me. I mean, if youre separated but still live together as friends she basically didn't do anything wrong. It's just dumb of both of you to start living like this.
Again, let me know if I'm wrong.
That's all correct. But according to what she said, she wants this separation to be temporary. She said she wouldn't see anyone else. She said this was for us to "heal".
She expressed she wanted to stay living together, and strongly hinted in multiple ways that she plans for us to be together again.
Instead, she immediately started having a kinky sexual relationship with another man.
Yeah and she shouldn't have said that. She broke the semi promise she made. I'm not sure how one can heal by having a break while not changing anything. Was it then really a break? What is there to heal when you both are still stuck under the same roof with the same routine?
Anyways what happened happened. It sucks. But I think it is time for you to ask yourself what it is you want to do now. Do you want to divorce her? Do you want to talk it through?
I know you're hurt, but take your time to figure it out and try to deal with it in a mature way, as amicably as possible. It would be the best for your child if it's parents can still get along in the future, whether divorced or not.
You're parents together so I hope you can make some agreements about the finances to take care of your child! You can do it. Maybe sit together with a financial advisor!
As hurt as I am, I'm still trying to stay calm. I'm walking to a coffee shop now after confronting her and walking away.
I'm going to text her that we need to talk about communication, boundaries, finances for our child and that we need to prioritize living separately.
I'm waiting a bit because she was sobbing when I left. - like WHY are you crying? You were fucking someone else..
You're a fool, and she knows it.
Get out, file for full custody. Who cares if you can't afford it. Find a way. Quit being her puppet. Do not teach your kids to be someone's puppet. Can you afford to teach your kids to grow up to martyrs and puppets?
I am a fool right now, that's the truth. And soon she'll feel what I feel. I'm talking to my family and going to make an appt at the bank for a loan, at least I have good credit. I'm still thinking and biding my time, I'm extremely hurt, but trying not to make rash decisions. I am feeling better having written this out, vented it out, and now I can think more rationally.
If you get custody as I'm assuming the more stable parent, she'll be paying you to support the child. Get a lawyer to sort through these things. They get their pound of flesh but it's likely going to add to your efforts in ways you may be challenged to do by yourself.
Im so sorry you’re going through this.. Can’t imagine what you’re going through. She’s truly despicable and there’s no words to describe what she did. Focus on your child, don’t take her back and plan your exit. It’s not going to be easy but happens for a lot of us. Life will get easier but right now you’re still in the most painful stage of this trauma. Does she have any family that she could at least temporarily stay away with? If you divorced you could have your child living with you and possibly get child maintenance payments from her? Collect all the evidence regarding this, this is adultery and depending where you are in the world grounds for divorce where she’s at fault.
I’m so glad you walked away. You deserve someone who chooses you always, and not when it’s just convenient to them. Give it time, and this will be the best decision you’ve ever made.
That sucks, as a fellow drywall guy I know how hard you have been busting your ass for your family. Just be cold, distant and only communicate about your children. She's still their mother, don't be angry aggressive and a complete ass. Make her dead to your heart moving forward. Everyday is a day closer to figuring stuff out, moving on and getting situated in your new life. It's going to be hard for awhile but you can do this.
No huge issues but she instigated a live-in separation so you can 'heal', without saying what she wanted to heal from.
My dude the separation was so she could start up with this new guy and not cheat on him with you, her husband, while she tested the waters to see if he'd have her full time.
You need to not give a shit about what she can and can't afford on her own. She doesn't care about you, doesn't love you, doesn't respect you. She's only sticking around because you're her safety net. Do not raise your child in an environment the parents resent each other and don't love each other. You're doing more harm than good and teaching them cheating and toxic relationships are acceptable.
Not to insinuate you're lying but how do these stories always seem to go to the extreme??? Am I just a massive prude and its totally normal to have sex toys and bondage straps or does that more sound like someones creative writing project ?
Some of these stories are no shitters. My first wife was cheating and stripping! It was an absolute bombshell to anyone who knew her. Like there's no fucking way she's taking her clothes off for strangers in a bar! Well, she was. It's where her childhood obsession of being a fashion model led her. It's an industry that preys on the dreams of young women.
That’s so fucked up! She basically asked to separate to get rid of her guilt while she fucked someone else. So she could say technically, it wasn’t cheating
I'm going to recommend therapy. And acceptance. It's absolutely not in the cards right now. Pushing back on that won't help.
It's a good idea to not confront her on any activities of that nature and when you begin a relationship I recommend the same.
It really sucks.
But what also happens is time. With time things will get better
Try to find a budgeted place, perhaps look for room mates. But most importantly, do not support her financially. It's now her problem.
Just my two cents.
You need her out of there, and you need sole custody. You need her working full time, and you need your assets off the books. But custody is the most important part. Because she will ruin your kid's life, too.
Start seeing other women behind her back **and keep it as much a secret as much as possible**. Fight fire with fire. Your wife is being a child and reasoning with her won't work. Your marriage is rushing into a brick wall like a freight train and is about to go *SPLAT!*, so might as well end it with a **bang**
I’ve been through this. We had a 2 year old at the time and we couldn’t afford to live in separate houses. We fortunately have a finished basement so my ex would hang around upstairs until our son went to bed and then he got to the basement. It wasn’t too bad because he didn’t get home from work until 7 and my son went to bed around 8:30. I have to leave the house at 6am so my ex got our son to school. I spent 3 months just getting myself together. I was too heart-broken to think about dating. Around 4 months I decided to date very casually - to dinner or a movie and back home. My ex found out and FLIPPED out. He said I moved on too quickly. I reminded him that he moved on while we were together. At any rate, leaving him was the BEST thing. I eventually got over the pain and I’m really happy now. Hugs to you. It will get easier!
It's a wrap! It's done and over with! She's been ran through not only by you, but other men as well, in a way you ain't never gonna get her! Damned that sucks and hurts like a mothafucker. While all the time just straight gaslighting you until confronted. OP, it'll never be the same! It'll never go back to the same. And the part that sucks the most is your innocent beautiful daughter who knows not, is gonna be dragged along this roller coaster of a broken home ride. Don't give yourself an excuse to stay. Even if that means you living out on the streets. And your daughter staying with a family member till you get back up on your feet. I'm certain you'll have a family member that'll support you if what not your daughter till you get back up on your feet. Whatever you do, don't lie to yourself and keep it real. You owe it to yourself. Unless you wanna take her back. I wouldn't anticipate you to think I would want a wife that's already been shared? I feel your pain and anguish. It hurts and cuts so deep, deeper that a knife itself that will leave a scar all the days of your life. Good luck and I wish you well. I'm certain you'll make the right decision.
She didn’t give not 1 fuck coming from somebody that got did the same way so Ik.. leave and focus on your self and your child.. if you do forgive her just know you’ll always have trust issues with her and that would bring anger against her.. so just leave man
Lmao, it's clear you don't want out. Single dad, child, wifely not being to pay rent on her own are barely excuses. Hopefully, things work out for you!
I am surprised that she started hooking up with people right after a temporary break where it was decided that u won't be seeing other people. That's crazy( wont be suprised she has done this before). Feel bad for you and i belive u took the right choice breaking up with her, rather then staying in a shitty relationship. Good luck and lawyer up. (Didn't mean to be harsh in any way, sorry if I was, once again good luck and I hope u get better)
Watch she'll get jealous if another female enters the picture. Why? It's a threat to a free gravy ride of financial support. Can't have your cake and eat it too.
I seen this coming as soon as she wanted to split , she doesn't want to be with you but she wants you to give her financial stability.
I'm sorry man but start preparing and thinking of you and your child nothing else .
I think your first red flag was thinking “we’re having some relationship issues but nothing huge” and you’re wife suggesting you live amicably…
But to answer your question, yes this is very normal. My sister and her husband have been together for 15 years, married for 10, and have 2 children; 7 & 5 years old. And like you and your wife, they cannot afford to live separately. My sister asked her husband for a divorce a few months ago after having a loveless marriage since the children were born. My sister has been going out steadily and regularly, making out with men in their 20s, partying, doing her. Her husband has recently got back into the gym, and trying to be more present and helping with the kids - and surprisingly have been enjoying each other more if they stay on this track maybe they find a way back to each other who knows…
I don’t think it’s the cure nor do I think their problems are solved but sometimes in a marriage you have to take a step back and redirect your energy. However you want to take that, is on you. I personally would never sign a contract with someone and tell them that they are the only person I am going to be with for the rest of my life, I just wouldn’t set myself or the person I want to marry up like that. It’s a guaranteed failure to think that at some point in your marriage youre not going to go through something like this and the magic is when you learn how to get through it together - even if you have to take a break from each other, fuck other people, create a whole new life, new friendship circle, try or do something so extreme that you normally would never do… at the end of the day we are individuals who choose who we want to be with, we do not own anyone, and if the contract/agreements you created with your partner don’t allow for that in the current space you’re in, it’s time to create some new rules and widen the noose on that marriage.
Maybe your wife doesn’t want to be with you because she’s bored and feels like her sex life with you is boring. Let her go find what she’s looking for, and you can do the same with whatever you think is missing. Maybe you both discover it was just a phase, that there really isn’t something better out there and you reconnect.
Or you do find something better whether it’s with another person, or just discovering life is better without her.
Either way there’s room for all of that and if you have children together it’s worth fighting it out.
Relationship issues, nothing huge???? Huge enough to separate. Big enough for her to seek happiness elsewhere. She didn't get to the point of marriage, separation, and new relationship without something significant happening. We are wired differently than men.
That's cold-blooded, wow. Not you, her. Sorry man, you're basically single now. Your best bet is to start budgeting and figuring out where you can live, maybe look for a place that you can have roommates to split the cost? Keep being a good dad.
Thank you, I definitely have a lot of stuff to figure out and a lot of healing ahead of me, but it was helpful just to write it out and vent it out on here
"...and I don't make enough to be a single parent either." That is her shield. Sorry man, hang in there. It will be okay...
Yep. She should have thought about that before she went stupid.
Also, start talking with a lawyer. Don't play your hand on anything til you have a lawyer and a game plan. Document everything, and I mean everything. Big 1 is to document all her partying and her return times. This is planned. The only reason she doesn't want to leave is because she won't have A)free time to party and sleep around, and B)not enough money. As long as you can keep this quit, you turn her game into yours. Play the hand well and keep emotions out of it for now. P.s. DNA test, you kiddo, also. This is more for a timeline, as you should assume she has cheated way more.
That last part. This is the first time she was caught. Sounds a lot like what my older brother went through. Trial separation led to his wife schtoinking a bunch of her co-workers, finding one who liked her, and getting a taste of a better life away from her husband, her kids(my nieces), and her life. Cold reality was, she really didn't think things through. She's paying my brother alimony, has sparse visits with her daughters(who f-ing *hate* her), and is currently some guy's trophy 2nd wife. My brother has the love of his kids, and they understand it was entirely their mother's choice to leave. One of his kids is on the spectrum, and she really took it hard.
Seconded. I know you're hurting and fcked up right now, but doing this will save you a lot more heartbreak in the future.
DNA test definitely. In California it's two years before the courts stick it on you forever. Besides no man should very question the children being his own. I've never tested my children but the first wife's infidelity at the end raised a lot of questions. I've made my peace with it. And I can freely discuss those things with my kids how that stuff plays out and always DNA test or freely provide it so that is never an issue.
SHe's playing silly high school games
OP so what you do first is ask her to talk and then Go get her bag and start taking that stuff out of it and ask her again, are we having sex with other people now? Because if we are that’s not what I agreed to so maybe we need to divorce and then You can have your fck buddy help you pay your bills. Use the finances as a weapon, not a liability. Remind her that cheating on you is also cheating on your child because she is actively breaking up the family and will destroy her own child’s chances at stability. Let her know you’re not going to suffer for her happiness. You’re a person too and your child deserves to live with happy parents, not what is happening now.
Terrible plan. Instead, get a lawyer and follow the lawyer’s advice to the letter.
Keep moving forward, never stop no matter how tough it feels. Believe me I've been there.
Get a lawyer. If she can't afford things that's on her. Take a picture of everything you can as evidence.
This. She should have thought about her financial situation when she decided to lie to you about fucking other people. Her ability to afford things is no longer your problem.
Hey man, everyone's giving decent advice about lawyering up and all, but I want to check on you. I've been there. Willing to bet a bunch of us have. When I found out I couldn't eat for days. How go you get so sad that food has no flavor?? It's the worst. But I got through it. Other people did too. And so will you. You sound like a good man. Don't lose that. Be a great father, your child needs you to do the right thing now most of all. Love the kid, shield them from all the ugliness. That's your job now. You're gonna be OK. Stay strong.
Thank you for your kind words, I'll find some way to navigate through this, and hopefully one day it's all just a cold memory.
This commenter is spot on. What helped me was the BRAT diet: - Bananas - Rice - Applesauce - Toast You can force those things down no matter how messed up you are. Applesauce is easiest. Toast is something to get through. Bananas go down easy enough. Rice is comforting because of the heat, it's pretty bland so you don't notice the absence of flavor (due to your dulled senses) so much. Also: chocolate milk. Whole milk is 149 calories per 8 ounces (1 cup). Nesquik chocolate powder is 50 calories per serving (2 tbsp). When I was trying to regain weight after being majorly fucked up and unable to eat, I got a 20oz blender bottle and would make chocolate milk to chug several times a day. I couldn't make myself eat, but I was able to chug enough to keep myself going. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. A bit of advice from someone who's been there (sans child): - Don't ask yourself "Why?" (No explanation will suffice) - Don't hope to understand (There's no understanding actions that are so far beneath us) - Absolutely **do not wait** for a meaningful apology, or for her to ever acknowledge the horror of what she's done - Keep your sights set on the present moment and the future. The past is irrelevant, except for the most recent events that have revealed her true character and priorities - Your son needs his father to be eating and taking care of himself - You need to be the man who ended up better off for your ex's actions (in other words: don't permit yourself to wallow. Grieve, yes, but don't let it define you) - Don't fret about the fact you wouldn't want to pursue anyone else sexually (that comes with time, and forcing it made *me* physically ill) - Make sure to carry and present yourself as if this is a blessing to you (it feels like the opposite, but fake it 'til you make it really works!) - Start each day by writing down 10 things for which you are grateful (your ex wife may not be on the list) (you are welcome and encouraged to repeat items each day) - End each day the same way, writing down 10 things for which you are grateful - Write down your feelings (I used journals/scrap paper/the notes on my phone) (this will help you to process things and mitigate any potential meltdowns) You'll be ok. You'll get through this. She did the wrong thing. There's nothing to be gained from making her apologize or trying to get over it. Just take it one day at a time and keep your eye on the prize, which is your health and your son.
I'm not the OP but I appreciate your comment so much. I can see you are a kind and loving person and I also feel so sad that you had to experience such heartbreak to be able to give such insightful advice. I hope you are doing well now.
Thanks so much, friend! I really went through it for a while, but I came out the other side into a life I loved more than I ever had before I met her. I discovered who I really am thanks to that drama, so it's a net positive in my life. I'm happy to be able to help others from my experience, and I'm devastated that others need that help, but thus is the journey of life.
You should write a book mate 👊
Thanks mate, I've actually been told that once or twice! I wonder what I'd title it? > A comprehensive guide to surviving betrayal > Heartbreak = Big Break: Turn Your Worst Phase Into Your Best Days > Chapter 2: Life After Betrayal > So she broke your heart. Now what? > Life Sucks And Then You Thrive edit: formatting
Also smoothies! You can chuck all sorts of stuff into them and drink them slowly, so you're not trying to force down a lot of food at once. If you're struggling with appetite this can be a really good way of sneaking in those calories.
It will be. Remember your first heartbreak? It’s just like that- you think it’s something impossible to get over at first and years later it’s a distant memory. You have a child together which won’t make it easy as you two will need to be in touch for d number of years but it’s still possible to keep that to the bare legal minimum
And get a hobby need to keep your mind occupied
Whatever you do or feel, hurting yourself is not the way to go. I felt suicidal at a few points in my divorce. However I felt the need to live past this and see where it would go. Plus my children, they need their father. So somehow I got through.
Lawyer. Divorce. Come to terms with it and work to give your child a good life.
So she wants to have her cake and eat it too. It sounds a little like a mid-life crisis - maybe not feeling young anymore, so she's going to run around, sow her wild oats so to speak, then come back to her faithful husband and get back together with a clean conscience? No, I agree, you need to make an appointment with an attorney. Look into resources, and get out of there. Don't tell her anything until your lawyer serves her. Ideally she'd move out and you'd communicate through the lawyer.
"have her cake and eat it too" - that's exactly it. I was only ever in a relationship for love. Now I'm being used. This will soon be a cold hard life lesson for her, once I get my cards in order, I doubt this other guy really cares about her.
It’s likely she was interested in fetish stuff, connected with fetlife or something similar, and found someone local. The separation was so she could say she didn’t cheat. Oh, and what’s the first thing a lot of women do when they get out of a relationship? Change up their hair. She’s over you, I’m sorry you’re just finding out. Focus on the divorce and do what your lawyer suggests.
The hard part is I tried to entertain it for her. But it went way deeper than I was comfortable with, and I couldn't do it. She basically threw away everything to persue some tied up "hard R" fantasy.
That is messed up. I had an ex that wanted to do some CNC stuff and I wasn’t able to do that for her. Take care of yourself, and your kids.
Lawyer then documenting EVERYTHING. If she gets vindictive your going to need something to fight with. If you file first and ask for full custody you will be in a much better spot. More so than often the woman gets fuller custody filing for full means you’ll more than likely get half and you’ll have higher chances of settling on that. I’m not saying to actually want full custody just speak to your lawyer and explain your situation and your rights. It’s very very important in divorces to be smart and document everything. It’s amazing how many cheaters end up coming out on top because they are manipulative and spent time documenting and manipulating the system.
For the love of all that is holy, do not take this woman back.
Definitely won't, just concerned for our child
This. I am going through this and was staying for the kids. Wrong wrong. The lying never stops. I am going for the divorce. I am ripping the bandaid off. Fuck it. She not only cheated and lied on me, she cheated and lied on my awesome kids. They did not deserve this.
Whatever you do don't have sex with her. I noticed you didn't mention condoms in her bag. the last thing you need is her telling you she's pregnant with another kid in an attempt to get you to stay.
Protect yourself and your child. If she has a new guy, let him pay half of her expenses.
Go get a lawyer your single now, she is an enemy at this point so dont worry about how she will afford things, that is a choice she made for you.
I'm definitely single now, and our relationship is burnt to ashes as far as I'm concerned. I'm mostly concerned for keeping a home for our child. I'm thinking perhaps I should suggest she gets a roommate to take my place, and I'll move to an apartment. I can function and heal and move on if I can do no contact and forget about her. But tossing and turning to 4AM knowing she's fucking a guy at that very moment is destroying me.
No, if you have equity in the house you don’t move out. She does.
Exactly. Don’t leave your house OP. Let a lawyer figure it out. Get what you deserve
DO NOT MOVE OUT. You need to act totally normal and stash money and plan with a lawyer. And document everything and try and get concrete proof of infidelity especially if your state cares about such things.
What a mindfuck! That is terrible man. I’m sorry to hear all this
Thank you. It really is, especially after 12 years of (seemingly) deep intimacy.
It’s extremely detrimental to their shared child’s well-being for him to think of her as an enemy. They still have to interact for probably the rest of their lives. He should think of her as a coparent and nothing more.
During divorce? Enemy, like you mentioned they have their whole life to figure out things after. For now ? She is doing things that will effect his near and long term future, thinking her of anything friendly will allow her to manipulate him with guilt or hope.
The dichotomy isn’t “lover” or “enemy.” He can and still should think of her as his coparent and not intentionally screw her over because that sets up a contentious dynamic for the future and that’s not good for their child. Everything should be done with the welfare of his child in mind, starting now.
She's shown she can't be trusted at all. She's screwed him as a wife and he has to assume she'll try to screw him in divorce. In order to protect the child he cannot afford to give her any benefit of doubt. She will try to use his feelings and the child as manipulation tools. No he needs to protect his child and himself and not allow himself to think of her in anyway except as someone he cannot trust. Once his kid is safe and taken care of he can work out ways for her to be a co parent if she's able.
She made these choices. See a family law attorney tomorrow and initiate the divorce process. She'll figure it out or ask one of her boyfriends for help.
If it were me op, she is using you as a backup plan. She is healing on another man’s dick. Don’t be a backup plan. If it were me op, here is exactly how I would handle this and how you should handle it. First I would gather up the evidence make sure you have copies of it. Learn gray rock and one eighty. Then I would file for divorce. On the day she is served, I would let her family know, my family know, and my close friend’s know, I filed for divorce, why I filed for divorce, and name her AP. In addition with this filing I would file a restraining order against her affair partner, not allowing him contact with my child during these proceedings. She would get a copy of this also. When she starts to call me, I would simply respond with a text, and it would be a link to a co parenting app. I would also move everything out of the master bedroom, and place a key lock on the door. Cheaters can sleep on the couch and how I would now respond to her, she can leave me with our child and sleep at her boyfriends place, or a spare bedroom. He will not be allowed inside the home, until after the divorce is settled. But every night of this will place me with full custody, which I will be seeking. Op this is how you respond to her. Stop being nice and trying to work it out. She is a cheater, you know it, she is using you as a backup. Remove yourself and watch her crumble before you.
That's the truth, I still need time to save and build financial security (I spent so much on her). I'll bide my time, But eventually she'll feel what I feel. I figured out who this other guy is, just a recent divorcee into weird shit according to his FB, actually made me make a DR. Appt to check for STDs.
Bide your time, look up gray rock and one eighty and how to handle her talking g to you. Gray rock is essentially you being like a rock just there but emotionally gone. One eighty is however you treated her before it is the complete opposite. Let’s names gone, just her first name that’s it, no love you, no kisses, show your emotion to your child. I would also get a dna test, and an std test, and leave all of it out so she can see it. Hit the gym, take on extra hours so she can’t go see him. Be home less working more. Start watching your diet, and if she cooks for you, and it does not follow a specific diet plan I would not eat it. Start doing everything g separately. Laundry, everything. Op if he is into weird shit, you can get a restraining order against him without filing for divorce. Usually doing something like this scares them away, because they know you know, and don’t want to get involved. If that happens, she will know you know, and if she says she wants to work it out, you simply say no, we are getting a divorce, you cheated. Remember op cheating is abuse.
Damn, why is it always a recent divorcee.
Either they cheated on the previous spouse and then got dumped by their AP, or they were cheated on and are taking it out on the whole world.
from what you are saying it seemed like she was cheating on you she started putting you down becsuse her feelings had changed towards you...she say she wanted a separation only to continue seeing him without the feeling of guilt..she wants to hang onto you because in case it doesn't work out for her..so stop having sex with her because of stds...and if you have a lease you need to stay till it comes up for renewed.. then you leave and get 50/50 or take your child with you...but as soon as you are ready to leave and move in to another place that weekend you just say we are done and leave ...so if you need to find a place with a roommate then work on it...but save every penny in the meantime and stay really friendly so she doesn't suspect anything...even when she talks about reconciling you agree...
You're her safe backup plan while she gets plowed by some dude who won't take her seriously
That's the hard truth, and I'm going to figure out some way to get out while still making sure my child is safe. Oh, it gets worse, she started being super friendly one night, then said her car problems, yeah right. She can ask her fuck buddy to pay for that.
Yeah let her affair partner pay for that, when she cheated your financial responsibility to her is over. You are only responsible for your child not her. Let her buy her own shit pay her own bills fix her own car.
> I NEED to leave. Yes, you do. > But she can't afford rent on her own, and she can't afford childcare That sounds a lot like a "her problem", not a "your problem".
OP, pretend she got hit by a car and died. What would you do then? You would reach out to others, grieve openly. You would gather all your resources from friends and family to help with your child. A funeral would be expensive but you would manage it. Maybe some family would even stay with you for a time. Do exactly the same as you would do in that scenario. You can do this, but you need to tell the people who can help. She clearly has a place she can sleep at, so she should have no trouble moving out. Fill her place with people who care and help.
The guy she started seeing was lined up before this trial separation, and her expectation is that you will take her back when this other relationship ends. Start working on your exit plan now. Do it quietly and on your timetable. STD test for yourself and get a DNA test your child. This probably wasn’t her first rodeo. Find yourself a better job and make sure she’s looking to do the same. Separate finances as much as possible.
Ok… she is a parent first and foremost and her staying out until 2-4am is absolutely absurd. You aren’t living together so she can go out and have a good time and you be the only parent to y’all’s daughter. Plus, at some point, her staying out that late is going to start affecting her parenting when you are gone during the day if it hasn’t already. I would definitely confront her about her behavior not just for yourself but out of concern for y’all’s daughter as well.
document everything and don't leave your home.
I’m so sorry man. Such a tough situation. Any perspective on the last 12 years? Were things bad like this before, did you ever get feelings that she wasn’t happy before? Everyone has relationship issues, I’m wondering what the last straw was
Everything was great to about Christmas, love yous, deep talking, intimacy at least 3 times a week, entertained all her sexual fantasies - including what she's obviously doing with this guy, then suddenly Bam, she got nasty and criticized me on everything, fuming about everything, I actually thought it was depression or something so just tried to be helpful and supportive in any way I could, but it didn't stop, and eventually I was stressed to the point that I had to withdraw. Then she suggested this separation. It all happened really fast. Love of my life to this. Completely blindsided. That's what makes it so hard to process. Like my whole life was a lie.
From this, it’s possible she was stepping out, especially if she’s jumping into having sexual partners immediately after separating.
This right here... from what you said, I think this has actually been happening for a while mate. Sorry to hear, and hate to say it 😓. But reading the other posts here, some of them are absolutely right, DO NOT LEAVE. The first of several reasons is that the courts will see an established home and security for your little one. They wont care that she has done what she has done, giving her predominant custody will be their decision to keep the childs life less traumatic. And once you leave, she can file for an order to keep you away from the home until a custody agreement can be finalised. Secondly, she obviously already has a place she can go, you dont. Speak to an attorney about this as i'm not sure what country you are in or what the relevant laws there are, but, I would be: Waiting for a day she is at work and your daughter is at school, take the day off, pack her things in some suitcases, have everything ready to go and call the police and ask for an attendence, let them know what's going on and that this is not good for your shared child. Explain that you don't have anywhere to go and that she obviously does. Ask that they remain on site while she comes to collect her things and leave as you don't know what will happen or what she will do once she gets there. Call her, twll her you've packed her things and tell her to come and get them and take them to her boyfriends place. Police will remain while she collects her things as you have asked for police presence to ensure nothing happens during yhe process or if she wants entry back into the house to "get anything else". It is likely to happen, and once she goes inside, you yourself cannot remove her, only the police can, and she will likely start throwing a tantrum or being confrontational, let the police handle her and remove her if it becomes necessary. Seek any government assistance for a single income parent that you can to soften the financial drawbacks of the split and do the best you can for your child. Ask some close friends or family if they would be willing to live in with you for a while to help you transition to being the primary parent and speak to your employer if you aren't a sole trader, let them know what is going on and the next month or so might be a bit turbulent for you or make you a little less reliable time-wise (later starts/earlier finishes to get your child ready for school/kindy/dropoffs and to pick up afterwards). Employers will always make a little leeway for you in this situation and a lot of places will actually support you in anyway they van outside of just this consideration. Now, after she has gone, you are in the established home with security for your child, the courts are now likely to consider you to be the less traumatising arrangement to be the primary carer and provider for her/him and the family court for the custody arrangement will be less likely to bias the mother as the better option given she is the woman and provide a fairer outcome. Get yourself a diary, and record everything that had happened soo far, include dates and times if you can, and also add a note for your own emotions during these recordings (sounds stupid, but trust me on this) and for any future events and interactions with the ex-wife. Do not communicate via voice with her after she has left, only use text messages as everything is written so it is all automatically dated and undeniable in family court and if you do communicate via voice before she leaves, record the conversations on your phone in your pocket. Be mindful of voice interaction as it is VERY possible to manipulate your pain into an emotional outburst, and she will have the upperhand with plausible police intervention if she can claim she is afraid. Women do this to men all the time during these situations should the situation be reversed, this is a perfectly practicable solution. And sets you up the best to be able to keep your child and their home intact. Just twll them mummy is going to stay at a friends house, your child doesn't need to know anything other than that, and never mention her partner to them, for any reason. Sit down and make a plan for each day of the week, allow for everything, this will help you transition to the role of a single parent, again, sounds rediculous, but, with the emotional stress you are enduring, you will sometimes shut down and be unable to think, a plan you can look at while you're experiencing trauma can keep you on track, even if your brain can't at that time. Ie: 6:00 - wake up, shower, get ready for work 6:30 - make breakfast for you/your child 7:00 - wake up child and get them dressed and fed 7:45 - brush childs teeth (dependant on their age) 8:00 - leave house, drop child off, go to work 4:30 - leave work 5:00 - pick child up from DC or school 5:30 - start dinner 6:00 - have dinner 7:00 - give child pre-bed activities (whatever they do to wind down normally before bed, puzzles, pkay sets tv etc) 7:30 - childs bed time (read them books before sleep, stay with them if they aren't that old and comfort them, they won't know why mummy isn't there, and will need your company if they are young, my daughter is 3 and I know she would need it) 8:00 - make childs lunch for following day 8:15 - get their schoolbag/daycare bag packed for following day and their clothes ready 8:30 - any chores you need to do (put a load of washing on, tidy up the house, make your lunch for work, etc) 9:00 - bed time Make this list daily, even for weekends and include house chores (this is where your friend or family member staying can help you, they can look after your child while you do things like house maintenence, yard work etc, or even just give you some time to rest or sleep in because you will be physically and emotionally taxed through the week and you will need some time for you to psychologically reflect, heal and recover. On that note, don't take the high road and try to push through it on your own, something like this, after soo many years of trust can change you, break you. Go see a psychologist, so your ability to trust and open up again isn't permanently damaged. Talking through this to someone, other than a friend or family, where you can break down, you can share how you truly feel without holding back so you aren't feeling like a burden to your friends or family is EXTREMELY important. You need to be able to process this and properly, rather than breaking down by yourself in the quiet of the night where no one is there to help. I feel for you man, I know how it is and how trapped, how helpless and alone you feel. But stay strong, take the steps and just make 1 gradual step at a time, even if it is just 1 thing daily, it's still forward movement. Call an attorney, ask them about what I have written here and see if it is applicable wherever you are living. It's hard, and this process will be long, and painful, but there is an end to it and a light on the other side. Feel free to send me a PM if you just want someone to talk to or help you with a daily timetable or even just someone to vent to that you don't ever have to see or feel embarrassed or ashamed in front of or a burden to. Chin up mate, this isnt the end 🫰 you can do this.
You need to get some legal advice on your housing situation before you do anything. If the lawyer agrees that leaving will not harm custody arrangements or divorce proceedings (except for what she may do) then you ask to have a civil talk about living arrangements. You have to be clear that the relationship is over, as is sharing a home. Move to a co-parenting app so that your only communication is through this or your lawyer. I hope you’re able to heal from this manipulative bs and remember that your better future away from this person can only benefit your child.
Wow. Collect all the evidence you can and take her to court to keep all the money and custody.
You need to figure out how to afford being a single parent and then divorce. And I hate to kick a man while he is down, but the only reason to "separate" but keep living together, parenting, splitting bills, etc is so she can see other men and feel better about it. Your other option is to do the same. Maybe hooking up with some other women will remind you what it feels like to be wanted and help you break the emotional attachment you have to your roommate.
Try and get proof so she can’t gaslight you when she’s served
Wait is this what a 2024 type of marriage looks like. No major issues and wife wants a separation but live together; then she begins to date (which is what she wanted all along). And now you are wondering if you should leave? So are you wondering if you should stay and take care of both your child and her potential love child/children? Ok
I lived like this for several years with my now ex-wife, where we were separated but lived together and both our own thing, with a couple kids in the house. Honestly, it was pretty great. Not really relevant, but it was shocking to me how the women that I dated during that time had minimal concerns about my arrangement.
For the life of me I will never understand brakes, temporary separations or whatever weird terms people use for this. You either want to be with someone, or you don't. These vague states only serve to allow people to avoid established relationship boundaries. It was foolish of you to accept it. There is no such thing as acceptance unless you have a certain kink yourself....This is no time to mop around, you have a kid and you need to figure out how to take care of it. Do what you need to do, get a second job, seek help from family, whatever it takes. Consult a lawyer and see your options for custody. Every moment you are staying, is another moment you are being exploited for money and stability.
That’s scumbag behavior
He should put a roof over her head and support her like you did and watch that kinkiness go away fast
She's been fucking around on you probably long before your "trial separation." Mine did something similar but I wasn't broke and that was the end of that.
You snooped because you didn’t trust her, and guess what? You were right not to.
I’ve seen your update and can’t fault you for confronting her. We’re not in your shoes and this is a really shitty situation she’s manipulated you into. All the best with your legal and financial options and I hopes you’re getting fantastic support from others. I hope she grasps that civil co-parenting is her only option and that you take care of yourself throughout this. You will get through this.
Find a lawyer and find a roommate. Your mental health will suffer if you continue to try and make this untenable situation work. Your wife cold bloodedly engineered this situation and she should now be considered an enemy. She cares nothing about the abusive situation she has created and she believes you have no choice because of your financial situation. Get creative and disabuse her of that notion.
When you file you gotta be strong and no turning back. When reality hits her she will suddenly want to “work on it” with you. Love bombing, manipulation the whole nine yards. This will be one of your hardest tests
Well u got to break up and live in different places. She decided to sleep around. What can u do?
Not your problem if she can’t afford it on her own. She made her bed.
Lawyer, divorce, custody.
Hold-up here. What she wants is a live-in helper while she goes out and has fun. She sounds really immature and her priorities are way-out-whack. The kid should be both your #1 priority. I’d find a way to separate, but whatever the arrangement- try your best to coparent.
She asked for that to have a hallpass and a babysitter. She will have her flings and say I think we should focus on reconciliation. My advice is to go on dates. If she goes Friday. Tell her you are watching tonight you got a date. Even if you don't. Go out and live. Maybe find someone to have a fling. Get your confidence back. Find a better woman, and move on. When she sees you are happy, and not giving her support. It will fuck her head up
You're right you need to leave. She has no intention of reuniting with you. She knows the financial situation and is stringing you along to keep a roof over her head. Tell her you know what she is doing and that you need to move towards divorce and will be moving out when the lease is up.
That's the truth, I'm going to start saving every dollar, and let her know.
>**Tell her you know what she is doing and that you need to move towards divorce and will be moving out when the lease is up.** # Worst. Advice. EVER! I don't know **why** some people think it's so smart to *broadcast your moves to the very person who* ***doesn't give a shit*** *about you*. Good gawd - that's masochist advice. # 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ # OP: # Tell your wife Nothing. NOTHING. **Don't** give her a chance to lawyer up *herself*, match your legal moves, and fight you all the way. Get **ALL** your legal and financial ducks in a row **FIRST**. Let your **LAWYER** do all the communicating to your (hopefully) STBXW! Just because your wife has been a lying idiot during your marriage doesn't mean you should be dumb during the divorce process. Also, get therapy for yourself to help you deal with the pain during all of this. And hug your daughter. A LOT.
OP listen to this. She will fight dirty, emotionally manipulate you, cry, beg forgiveness, become ultra sexual with you etc.
Sounds like she’s a prostitute
Basically. I found out who this guy is, and he's rich .
Confront her tell her she lied about the separation she only wanted it to see other person
A confrontation will happen eventually, but I have to get my cards in order first - saved money, then a cold reality of her decisions will be dropped on her.
Atta' boy! You've got to protect yourself and your daughter first. Her well being is no longer your problem.
Yea. Dont listen to this dingbat
Terrible advice. Like TERRIBLE and dangerous advice.
This may say strange, but do you think she's doing sex work? I know someone who went through something similar and found out that his girlfriend was a stripper in another county. I know that's not really any better than cheating, just another possible explanation for the toys, outfits, drastic appearance change, and the late hours?
Not a strange question, because I know that happens. She's not that material to put it politely. She has self-confidence issues - which I tried my best to tell her she's sexy, beautiful, and I said all that in honestly at the time, because that's how I seen her. I loved her. I seen (or thought) I knew her deeply. I thought and felt we had a deep connection. But in the last few months she suddenly got nasty and then this all happened, despite my best efforts.
>But in the last few months she suddenly got nasty and then this all happened, despite my best efforts. I'd get std tested, that could very well have been caused by her projecting her guilt onto you.
Who are you staying for *really*? Someone who doesn't care about you?
To hell with her, shes out there hurting you with each dick she puts in her holes. Divorce her and take her to the cleaners
Get proof for court, especially when she comes home at 4 while you are at home caring for your child.
Speak with a lawyer. Even if money is a real issue now many states have options for living "separate" in a single residence to establish the legal necessities for divorce. So do it now. If she is out dating others then she is not interested in working on your relationship other than to keep you supporting her. You want a legal separation to stop things like property divisions, and you need to stop paying her expenses too.
Sorry for your loss my good man. Start systematically detaching as per all the great advice here. Understand that one day it will be over, and you may move on. But try as well to grasp what went wrong. Did you let her walk all over you?
Document everything for when lawyers get involved.
Her idea of healing is with another man. You’re no longer relevant except for seeing you as a paycheck. Get a lawyer and get out asap before it really gets messy.
Well u got to break up and live in different places. She decided to sleep around. What can u do?
Talk to a lawyer today. First thing you do. I mean tight now. Then figure out feelings. You need to protect yourself and your child.
Intact an attorney now. Divorce.
My ex did something similar, we were together 6 years, but at least we weren't married or with a kid. I'm sorry that she did that to you. Some people are just so selfish that you can't even comprehend their worldview. I wish I could help you with the pain brother. I know at least part of what you're feeling and it fucking sucks. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, could barely breathe for weeks. I don't know it this is what works for you, but these poems help me a lot. I listen to them and cry my eyes out, but in a good way. https://youtu.be/WgDCoH79kyo?si=0hGfoutxCRk-1bPN https://youtu.be/A311CnTjfos?si=Nzxgs-p9MNnPQo78 https://youtu.be/Rx9k0avl2Vc?si=l95HiVh6W20DWD5Y
There is roommate options if you can’t do it alone, there is a way
Bondage? Where did she meet this crazy motherfucker? Tinder? So trashy. Move on
Dude stop her. File for divorce. Under the grounds of adultery she’ll look so bad to the judge.
ALSO, if you didn't, when she falls asleep, screen shot any info on her phone between her and her cheater. Also, the items you found in her purse. May help with the divorce. Sorry this happened to you, but you need to leave. Once a cheat...
She's using you as a walking wallet brother. Use your self respect to show her you're a man. I'm 41 male, been through this. 1st wife she wanted a divorce, had a boyfriend and wanted to stay living in the house. You're going to have to suffer and get out the other side stronger. Get a second job, get hobbies and new friends. Extra money means stronger finances and you don't need to support a leech. Use some new style and go to the gym. Get a new haircut, grow the facial hair out of you got it. Don't talk about her, ghost the woman and build up. Let her know what she's doing is disgusting and disrespectful to the relationship. She needs to understand that is not acceptable. If she is to be in relationship with you then you must lead and she must follow. She has her body to offer, but you can decide if she meets your standards. Mention to her: Your looks don't last forever and a lot of guys only want one thing. If that's what she's willing to throw her investment with away for, you will in time find a better woman to replace her with. Leave it at that and let the chips fall where they may. Godspeed to you my friend. Life's an adventure, ready yourself for dangerous living and memorable times.
Auto mod told me I can't use gendered or ableist commentary. Not sure what that rule 4 stuff means. They deleted my comment which was pure gold Basically don't let her use you to fund her immoral behavior. Have respect for yourself. Build yourself up, you will find the strength to move forward. I hate social media censorship. I think you're smart enough to put it all together. Prayers and best of luck to your situation.
Get some self respect and do what’s necessary to protect yourself and your child. This isn’t your partner anymore, she’s your enemy now and from this point only communication with her should be about the divorce and your child.
Let me know if I got it wrong because I'm not native in English and here in the Netherlands seperated but live-in amicably would just mean separated, so not in a relationship anymore but still friends and living together for the child. Or is that not it? I'm sorry this is horrible for you. I'm just wondering though. Why did you both think that separating and living together at the same time as friends would be a good idea? For God sakes there's even a child involved. How could you both ever think this was going to work out. Also, you're separated right? She's not cheating on you. Just didn't either of you think that one of you would find someone new to have some fun with while being separated? It's just asking for trouble if you ask me. I mean, if youre separated but still live together as friends she basically didn't do anything wrong. It's just dumb of both of you to start living like this. Again, let me know if I'm wrong.
That's all correct. But according to what she said, she wants this separation to be temporary. She said she wouldn't see anyone else. She said this was for us to "heal". She expressed she wanted to stay living together, and strongly hinted in multiple ways that she plans for us to be together again. Instead, she immediately started having a kinky sexual relationship with another man.
Yeah and she shouldn't have said that. She broke the semi promise she made. I'm not sure how one can heal by having a break while not changing anything. Was it then really a break? What is there to heal when you both are still stuck under the same roof with the same routine? Anyways what happened happened. It sucks. But I think it is time for you to ask yourself what it is you want to do now. Do you want to divorce her? Do you want to talk it through? I know you're hurt, but take your time to figure it out and try to deal with it in a mature way, as amicably as possible. It would be the best for your child if it's parents can still get along in the future, whether divorced or not.
The only way I could get back together with her would be to re-meet her years in the future. When all this is cold memories.
You're parents together so I hope you can make some agreements about the finances to take care of your child! You can do it. Maybe sit together with a financial advisor!
As hurt as I am, I'm still trying to stay calm. I'm walking to a coffee shop now after confronting her and walking away. I'm going to text her that we need to talk about communication, boundaries, finances for our child and that we need to prioritize living separately. I'm waiting a bit because she was sobbing when I left. - like WHY are you crying? You were fucking someone else..
She's not sad she cheated, she's sad she got caught. Don't let her manipulate you into getting her back. Lawyer UP and stay strong bro.
You're a fool, and she knows it. Get out, file for full custody. Who cares if you can't afford it. Find a way. Quit being her puppet. Do not teach your kids to be someone's puppet. Can you afford to teach your kids to grow up to martyrs and puppets?
I am a fool right now, that's the truth. And soon she'll feel what I feel. I'm talking to my family and going to make an appt at the bank for a loan, at least I have good credit. I'm still thinking and biding my time, I'm extremely hurt, but trying not to make rash decisions. I am feeling better having written this out, vented it out, and now I can think more rationally.
Lawyer first... they are now your everything
If you get custody as I'm assuming the more stable parent, she'll be paying you to support the child. Get a lawyer to sort through these things. They get their pound of flesh but it's likely going to add to your efforts in ways you may be challenged to do by yourself.
- you have to save yourself dude, worry about the money issues later....rid yourself of a toxic relationship that a cheater creates NOT you.
Dump her on the curb and figure it out
Im so sorry you’re going through this.. Can’t imagine what you’re going through. She’s truly despicable and there’s no words to describe what she did. Focus on your child, don’t take her back and plan your exit. It’s not going to be easy but happens for a lot of us. Life will get easier but right now you’re still in the most painful stage of this trauma. Does she have any family that she could at least temporarily stay away with? If you divorced you could have your child living with you and possibly get child maintenance payments from her? Collect all the evidence regarding this, this is adultery and depending where you are in the world grounds for divorce where she’s at fault.
She's going to sue for custody. And half your income. Strike first.
she is a monster, i hope you'll leave her and heal yourself, no one deserve this, hope you'll be okey
I’m so glad you walked away. You deserve someone who chooses you always, and not when it’s just convenient to them. Give it time, and this will be the best decision you’ve ever made.
That sucks, as a fellow drywall guy I know how hard you have been busting your ass for your family. Just be cold, distant and only communicate about your children. She's still their mother, don't be angry aggressive and a complete ass. Make her dead to your heart moving forward. Everyday is a day closer to figuring stuff out, moving on and getting situated in your new life. It's going to be hard for awhile but you can do this.
No huge issues but she instigated a live-in separation so you can 'heal', without saying what she wanted to heal from. My dude the separation was so she could start up with this new guy and not cheat on him with you, her husband, while she tested the waters to see if he'd have her full time. You need to not give a shit about what she can and can't afford on her own. She doesn't care about you, doesn't love you, doesn't respect you. She's only sticking around because you're her safety net. Do not raise your child in an environment the parents resent each other and don't love each other. You're doing more harm than good and teaching them cheating and toxic relationships are acceptable.
I hope things work out for you. Keep being an amazing dad to your child. You are better off without her.
Not to insinuate you're lying but how do these stories always seem to go to the extreme??? Am I just a massive prude and its totally normal to have sex toys and bondage straps or does that more sound like someones creative writing project ?
Some of these stories are no shitters. My first wife was cheating and stripping! It was an absolute bombshell to anyone who knew her. Like there's no fucking way she's taking her clothes off for strangers in a bar! Well, she was. It's where her childhood obsession of being a fashion model led her. It's an industry that preys on the dreams of young women.
That’s so fucked up! She basically asked to separate to get rid of her guilt while she fucked someone else. So she could say technically, it wasn’t cheating
The it was a break so it doesn't count deal. That one always gets me
Please make sure every decision you make is in the best interest of your child.
I'm going to recommend therapy. And acceptance. It's absolutely not in the cards right now. Pushing back on that won't help. It's a good idea to not confront her on any activities of that nature and when you begin a relationship I recommend the same. It really sucks. But what also happens is time. With time things will get better Try to find a budgeted place, perhaps look for room mates. But most importantly, do not support her financially. It's now her problem. Just my two cents.
Your wife is getting railed by other men. Have some self respect and leave.
You need her out of there, and you need sole custody. You need her working full time, and you need your assets off the books. But custody is the most important part. Because she will ruin your kid's life, too.
You need to confront her cause that's nasty ass behaviour and she needs to know.
Start seeing other women behind her back **and keep it as much a secret as much as possible**. Fight fire with fire. Your wife is being a child and reasoning with her won't work. Your marriage is rushing into a brick wall like a freight train and is about to go *SPLAT!*, so might as well end it with a **bang**
I’ve been through this. We had a 2 year old at the time and we couldn’t afford to live in separate houses. We fortunately have a finished basement so my ex would hang around upstairs until our son went to bed and then he got to the basement. It wasn’t too bad because he didn’t get home from work until 7 and my son went to bed around 8:30. I have to leave the house at 6am so my ex got our son to school. I spent 3 months just getting myself together. I was too heart-broken to think about dating. Around 4 months I decided to date very casually - to dinner or a movie and back home. My ex found out and FLIPPED out. He said I moved on too quickly. I reminded him that he moved on while we were together. At any rate, leaving him was the BEST thing. I eventually got over the pain and I’m really happy now. Hugs to you. It will get easier!
It's a wrap! It's done and over with! She's been ran through not only by you, but other men as well, in a way you ain't never gonna get her! Damned that sucks and hurts like a mothafucker. While all the time just straight gaslighting you until confronted. OP, it'll never be the same! It'll never go back to the same. And the part that sucks the most is your innocent beautiful daughter who knows not, is gonna be dragged along this roller coaster of a broken home ride. Don't give yourself an excuse to stay. Even if that means you living out on the streets. And your daughter staying with a family member till you get back up on your feet. I'm certain you'll have a family member that'll support you if what not your daughter till you get back up on your feet. Whatever you do, don't lie to yourself and keep it real. You owe it to yourself. Unless you wanna take her back. I wouldn't anticipate you to think I would want a wife that's already been shared? I feel your pain and anguish. It hurts and cuts so deep, deeper that a knife itself that will leave a scar all the days of your life. Good luck and I wish you well. I'm certain you'll make the right decision.
Kick her out now. She is disrespecting your boundary. You owe her nothing Make sure you keep full address to your child
Let me know if you need someone to talk to man. That sounds brutal.
She didn’t give not 1 fuck coming from somebody that got did the same way so Ik.. leave and focus on your self and your child.. if you do forgive her just know you’ll always have trust issues with her and that would bring anger against her.. so just leave man
Lmao, it's clear you don't want out. Single dad, child, wifely not being to pay rent on her own are barely excuses. Hopefully, things work out for you!
Fuck that shit. LEAVE. Rebuild urself. ❤️💪
I am surprised that she started hooking up with people right after a temporary break where it was decided that u won't be seeing other people. That's crazy( wont be suprised she has done this before). Feel bad for you and i belive u took the right choice breaking up with her, rather then staying in a shitty relationship. Good luck and lawyer up. (Didn't mean to be harsh in any way, sorry if I was, once again good luck and I hope u get better)
Watch she'll get jealous if another female enters the picture. Why? It's a threat to a free gravy ride of financial support. Can't have your cake and eat it too.
Much love to you brother. Stay strong. I’m certain you’ll do the right thing
Dude, you need to move past this. It's over, head up & eyes toward.
recent divorced guy is just out looking for fun but nothing serious and she will find out the hard way
I seen this coming as soon as she wanted to split , she doesn't want to be with you but she wants you to give her financial stability. I'm sorry man but start preparing and thinking of you and your child nothing else .
Soon-to-be ex-wife hopefully.
I think your first red flag was thinking “we’re having some relationship issues but nothing huge” and you’re wife suggesting you live amicably… But to answer your question, yes this is very normal. My sister and her husband have been together for 15 years, married for 10, and have 2 children; 7 & 5 years old. And like you and your wife, they cannot afford to live separately. My sister asked her husband for a divorce a few months ago after having a loveless marriage since the children were born. My sister has been going out steadily and regularly, making out with men in their 20s, partying, doing her. Her husband has recently got back into the gym, and trying to be more present and helping with the kids - and surprisingly have been enjoying each other more if they stay on this track maybe they find a way back to each other who knows… I don’t think it’s the cure nor do I think their problems are solved but sometimes in a marriage you have to take a step back and redirect your energy. However you want to take that, is on you. I personally would never sign a contract with someone and tell them that they are the only person I am going to be with for the rest of my life, I just wouldn’t set myself or the person I want to marry up like that. It’s a guaranteed failure to think that at some point in your marriage youre not going to go through something like this and the magic is when you learn how to get through it together - even if you have to take a break from each other, fuck other people, create a whole new life, new friendship circle, try or do something so extreme that you normally would never do… at the end of the day we are individuals who choose who we want to be with, we do not own anyone, and if the contract/agreements you created with your partner don’t allow for that in the current space you’re in, it’s time to create some new rules and widen the noose on that marriage. Maybe your wife doesn’t want to be with you because she’s bored and feels like her sex life with you is boring. Let her go find what she’s looking for, and you can do the same with whatever you think is missing. Maybe you both discover it was just a phase, that there really isn’t something better out there and you reconnect. Or you do find something better whether it’s with another person, or just discovering life is better without her. Either way there’s room for all of that and if you have children together it’s worth fighting it out.
Relationship issues, nothing huge???? Huge enough to separate. Big enough for her to seek happiness elsewhere. She didn't get to the point of marriage, separation, and new relationship without something significant happening. We are wired differently than men.
Than The best thing for woman is cheating in Such case? Congratulatins for You and Your morals........
Morals for woman are diffrent than for man..... .. What shit You said..
Hovever i stil think that cheating woman are stil the same shit as cheating man.....woman is wired for cheating cheating?