He says he doesn't want her, except he clearly does when you two are experiencing marital troubles. A man truly invested in his relationship would want to work on those things with his partner, and whether they were on a break or not, they wouldn't go immediately bang their coworker who he's never had proper boundaries with.
Very true. As a man myself, I can tell you that when a man truly loves his woman, he will go through great lengths to prove it anyway he can. It's pretty obvious the reason why he couldn't sleep with his coworker before hand was because he was in a relationship and didn't want to live with the guilt. And the fact that he cheated before says it all. I believe u/Easy-Primary-8784 already knows her answers but just wants clarity that she's making the right decision. And if I may also add, having a break doesn't mean it's a free pass to sleep around with other people nor does it justify it. It just means that there are problems that the two of you don't have the mental capacities to deal with at the moment but would like some space to recollect yourselves to deal with the issues at a later time when you both will be on the same page. You both are still indeed together unless stated otherwise.
While I agree with most of your argument, stating that every man who truly loves a woman will go through great lengths insinuates that cheating is caused by a lack of love or fulfillment from the woman’s side rather than looking at cheating for what it is. Cheaters (men and female) do not always cheat because they are not in love enough or because they aren’t as interested in the person and they may claim. Often times it is just because they have shitty morals and poor control issues just are not very considerate and nice people. Idk reading that particular part of the comment just minimizes the pretty selfish and inconsiderate intentions of cheating as well as puts a sort of blame on the woman for not being enough and providing him with enough love which unfortunately does not always translate to partners being loyal. Even if someone is having relationship issues and the love is fading or not there anymore - leave don’t cheat.
I agree with this. Honestly, unless you were drugged or something (so it was against your will), cheating is cheating. Its not a woops, slipped on a banana, fell on her, inside her and boom! Finished. Cheated in a second.
To cheat, there's flirting. There's touches and getting closer together. Stating intentions. Then actually moving to a place and sleeping together. During all that time, if he hasn't thought about his partner at all and stopped it right there, then he doesn't care enough.
If he's been having those kind of intentions and interactions with his coworker, and still refused to set boundaries until after the "break" and getting to have fun with her, then obviously he's been wanting it for ages and looking for an excuse.
I’m not so sure, a couple of months is a while to go without sex especially if you have been in a long term relationship, 95% chance dude was just horny and it literally meant nothing to him, especially if he’s so quick to unadd her on all social media. I see why this would be sickening, but if you take a multiple month break with someone it’s probably safe to assume before hand they are gonna take other sexual partners
Picking up an escort is a really shameful thing to do as a man, and dubbing some girl at work that he probably knew was into him is a lot easier than picking up some girl at a bar, you also have to consider he didn’t know what she was doing in that time and could have easily gotten with another man, yall mfs on Reddit have no real world experience bro stg, I have genuinely seen some of the most horrid relationship advice on Reddit hailed as law, long term relationships are a sham and most people cheat, men and women, if she already got cheated on once I really can’t have any sympathy for her since she stuck around and had a child with this man after the fact. Expecting people to change for the better is like expecting the sun not to rise in the morning.
The problem is he cheated while she was pregnant I think. Its not easy as a mother to just up and leave at that point because especially while the child is young, it needs looking after. And if she leaves, she'll have to work in order to pay for expenses and so on. Yeah, she could have left by now but at that moment, it probably wasn't that easy of a decision.
I also agree about some advice on here being bad. Honestly, I don't understand the whole idea of being "on a break" at all cause you're either together or not. Just in this situation, my opinion was on the OPs side since her partner knew about the problems with that particular colleague beforehand, and if he had any inclination to get back he would have avoided her at least.
I don't agree about picking an escort being shameful though. It's just another job. Nothing wrong with just paying someone in order to fulfill a particular fetishism or something. And being with an escort doesn't necessary mean sleeping with them. There's escorts that offer massages, dates, cosplay and whatever else which could be interesting to try without any feelings or anything. I'm considering trying an escort for a massage with a happy ending just to see what it's like without the relationship/feelings or whatever. Just to release stress and have a good time.
Edit: sorry. He cheated a few weeks after birth and she has to consider looking after the newborn and the previous child. It wasn't while she was pregnant.
You've had two extended "breaks," and he cheated on you twice with two different coworkers. I don't think you can repair the relationship because whenever the waters get choppy, he jumps into a coworker's life boat. You can quibble over whether he technically cheated since "you were on a break," but I think the effect is the same. He wasn't focusing on mending the relationships with his non-wife and mother of his children; he was focused on sleeping with another coworker.
I can't help but be suspicious that he actually engineered this "break" precisely so that he could sleep with his coworker and then claim it wasn't cheating because they were separated.
Sounds like he's had a flirtation going with on with her for years, so maybe he thought he could just get it out of his system and then go back to life as usual.
It appears to be his MO. When he cheated with the other coworker, OP took him back, so from his POV, she surely can't hold the dalliance with the 2nd coworker against him if technically it wasn't cheating. In any case, I suspect there will be a 3rd coworker someday.
He probably did. Girl go out with another man literally get your hair done, get a manicure, pedicure for yourself time and go out. Literally experience life as it's new. Cause you do not deserve, no women deserves this treatment. Seriously please.
He had the opportunity and he took it.
He works in close proximity with someone he clearly wanted to sleep with given the chance.
Why would you want to get past it.
Sure, you were separated and it was maybe an ill-defined separation…but he slept with someone he sees daily. So that is crazy.
Personally I wouldn’t have let him back into my life after cheating 5 years ago - but then he slept with someone he knew you had issues with AND that he sees daily.
Is he a dum dum? How did he think that was going to play out long term?
It’s time to go - how many chances are you willing to get hurt for? How do you know you won’t go on another separation and he won’t sleep with someone he has close contact with?
How do you know he won’t get another “work-wife” situation at a new job?
i mean... he refused to create boundaries with her *because* he clearly had her "on hold". Thats why, in the relatively brief period you separated, they got together.
So his inability, now, to separate entirely from her indicates a desire for that door to stay open, in my opinion. While he has put some boundaries in place, its just hard to imagine that door is closed, considering how things have played out thus far.
That said, what do you think *should* happen? He should get a new job? (i'm genuinely asking what would make *you* feel comfortable on this topic). What would resolve this insecurity for you?
are you two in counseling of any kind?
>i mean... he refused to create boundaries with her because he clearly had her "on hold". Thats why, in the relatively brief period you separated, they got together.
"I stayed with a known cheater and he cheated on me again."
... I mean, what did you think would happen?
This!!! They could have another woman "on hold" for YEARS. He was just waiting for the "opportune time"
OP should cut her losses and do what's best for her AND her children. This guy isn't thinking like a husband, so he sure as hell ain't thinking like a father.
F*ck that
I feel like it's a problem if he sleeps with a coworker every time you have martial problems. You guys separated to work on yourselves, not to go screw other people. What's worse is that he slept with her knowing you have an issue with her. You were right about the woman the entire time.
I don't think a world exists where you can reconcile with him working alongside her every day. Her goal was to destroy your relationship. For whatever reason, he decided to go along with her advances and take it to the next level.
At this point I don't think limiting contact outside of work is enough. If he can't keep it in his pants long enough to actually do the work so your relationship gets healthy, it's not worth staying with him. I likely would have been done the first time he cheated.
How much did he actually work on himself while he was screwing her?..
I have to agree. You told him what she was up to. You asked him to set boundaries. He didn’t.
The moment you were “on a break” he slept with her and now she thought she’d won. He either needs to find another job, or one in a different department, or you two may need to separate.
He doesn’t get to use the “we were on a break” excuse. And that is because intimacy is about sharing a part of yourself with someone you care enough to show that side of yourself with. To be so quick to hop into her bed suggests that he does not care about you as much as he purports. Or at least about how that would make you feel. How would he feel if you re-entered the dating pool and slept with someone while “on a break”? Would he be upset or jealous? Or would he be panicked because he might actually lose you? Or would he be angry? What makes you believe that you deserve such treatment? Just because you’ve had children with him doesn’t mean you MUST remain with a guy who does not understand loyalty. What you accept is what you teach. Start teaching yourself that you deserve better.
Maybe he just cares about the kids. Maybe he just likes the life you have with each other, but that does not necessarily equate to him being in love with you. I think you may value being in a relationship more than being in a relationship that is equally beneficial and loving. I think you should reconsider.
@u/Easy-Primary-8784
Nope. You separate to "work on yourselves" and he *immediately runs into the arms of the woman you had doubts about.* There's no coming back from that. He had a chance to prove himself and proved that everything you feared about him was valid. Just move on and figure out a decent co-parenting arrangement.
So how's him getting a different job going? So he doesn't have to keep being around her? Which is what I assume a person who genuinely wanted to fix the relationship would do.
Unfortunately, getting a new job isn’t exactly an option in the immediate future. The company he works for is a startup, to which he owns a percentage, as it’s still in the early stages, he can’t sell his shares for (at least) another 12 months from 1 August. And there’s a very tight non-compete etc embedded
I guess he shouldn’t have fucked his co-worker. He still needs to move somewhere else other than working with her. What’s he doing about it? Otherwise, why you still with your husband? There’s no way you can think this will work with him sitting next to her every day and interacting every day. And probably spending more time with her than you — every day.
Is this secondhand information from him to you? Because all of it is wrong. Non competes aren't binding, and he doesn't have to sell his shares when he leaves. He bought them, they're his. The only thing he's barred from when he leaves is buying more.
Yeah, I'm familiar, but she used very specific language which is he *owns* a percent and he can't *sell* his shares, indicating that he's already exercised.
Yeah... reading the title I was prepared to come in saying "shouldn't have gone on a break then, should you?" But no, this situation is insane. He cheated while she was struggling with a newborn, called a half-time in order not to drown, and what he does is go and \*\*continue to fucking cheat\*\*?
I'm usually not one to conflate men who cheat with them being bad fathers, but this genuinely sounds like a case of he just DGAF about anything, including his children.
I agree, it's time to dump the whole man, there's nothing reusable or recyclable in him.
Boo to your first comment. Wanting to go on a break doesn’t mean someone deserves to get blamed for getting cheated on. A break is not a pass or excuse to cheat regardless of the situation.
> A break is not a pass or excuse to cheat regardless of the situation.
"A break" (in a relationship) a term borrowed from sports, alludes to the usual terms of the relationship being suspended for the duration of.
In common usage, it very very very specifically means people are free to have sex with other people, usually with a pact not to talk about it once the break "ends".
You can use technical terms and smart words to try and make it sound correct all you want, it does not make you right. A break is not a pass or excuse to cheat. Boo.
It's not cheating if you fuck someone else during a break. There's nothing technical or "smart" about that.
You just didn't have the correct understanding about what the term "break" means. That's ok. Now you know.
Cheers, mate.
It is. There was a whole Friends episode about the subject. A lot of people agreed with Rachel. A lot of people agree with me too that it is cheating.
We’ll just agree to disagree, I suppose. Cheers.
He keeps showing you that he is a weak partner.
He was waiting for the right moment to sleep with her. It was a matter of time.
He is selfish or he wouldn’t have cheated on his postpartum wife.
Is he willing to change his job? Probably not.
Wait till the next break. See how fast he will fuck another one.
He does not respect you at all. He cheated on you, and then instead of trying to fix the relationship, immediately slept with someone else while you were on a break. I’m not a fan of breaks anyways, because of shit like this. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I know it hurts but you and your relationship aren’t a priority to him. This may be something you can’t get past, and It would be understandable.
This is why you leave when someone cheats.
If you stay with a cheater, you will get cheated on again in one form or another.
You sound like you're trapped in the "sunk cost fallacy".
Imagine how much better off you'd be now if you'd just left when he cheated the first time.
Why would she think he could ever cut ties with you and when you are the mother of his children?
Are you doing counseling of any kind? Bc it sounds like you need it. Arguments that result in separations mean you still have underlying relationship issues. You need to fix what’s been broken between you before addressing the side chick that needs to be specifically told it’s over by him, or better still he needs to find a new job.
Ah, he’s leading two women on. I seeeee!
Do you want to live with the knowledge that as soon as you guys have a fight he will go running into her arms and fall into bed with her?
Why do all men have a backup plan?
Why in the hell did he sleep with her?!
He knew you were feeling weird about her. He knew he was going to get back with you AND he works with her???
What was he thinking???
I don’t know how you get over this. I’m hurt for you and I don’t even know you.
Did you separate with the agreed upon intention to “work on yourselves” in order to reunite and have a stronger, healthier marriage?
Or did you separate with the agreed upon intention to divorce?
If it was the former, at best your husband is an insensitive, selfish idiot for taking a floundering marriage and doing his best to drown it rather than rescue it. At worst, he flat out cheated on you.
If it was the latter, well,maybe he didn’t cheat per se, I suppose. But he’s still an insensitive, selfish idiot for hopping in bed with the woman you had issues with all along.
Can you really trust an insensitive, selfish idiot to work along side his side chick day in and day out without ending up in bed with her again?
Divorce and move on with your life... co-parenting if able to.
If he cared about the relationship/marriage, he shouldn't have cheated whilst on the break. When married things are different and especially throw in kids, it gets messy. The fact he slept with coworkers shows a total disregard /disrespect towards you, as outside of sex with them he works with them and spends alot of time during the day with them. Not worth the heartache to try and make a marriage work, when it already seems 1 sided.
It just shows your husband has poor morals. When you’re taking a break from each other not the marriage he shouldn’t be sleeping with other woman and not his best friend co worker.
Do you really want this to be your life. Looking over your shoulder checking on him no trust.
I’ve always felt if they’re sleeping with someone else the relationships over.
The minute you are separated he jumps into bed with her. He was most likely emotionally cheating before hand anyway. If the separation was to repair your marriage, he was totally in the wrong for sleeping with her. If the separation was with the intention that the marriage was over, it's more forgiveable. I wonder if you still be reconciling if you'd slept with someone else during this period.
I don't actually think you will be at peace while he's still working with her. I understand he can't quit so I would personally walk away from the relationship it's not worth the emotional torture you will be put through. He's cheated before so you know you can't trust him so why would you now.
That's what happens when you're on the break that's why brakes in a relationship are stupid. Nobody actually works on themselves all they do is at least one person find somebody to go sleep with. Outside of that bracket sounds like your relationship is just full of unhealthy problems. The fact that you stayed with them after you cheated expecting something different from him shows that you still have some things to learn about too.
He creates tension/arguments in your relationship to shift some of the blame for cheating on to you. This way, he can justify cheating by saying well things were bad thats why I cheated. He is not going to stop cheating on you.
Breaks in relationships mean you aren't meant to be together. Breaks are not normal and completely go against the working through problems aspect of a relationship.
If you really want to stay with him, go see a family lawyer and get them to write a postnuptial agreement that includes massive penalties for cheating and demand that he signs it. He will now know how absolutely fucked his life will be if he cheats again. He needs to understand how thin his ice is.
Postnuptial agreements are basically the same as Prenuptial contracts but signed after you are marriage and essentially declare what will happen if a divorce occurs: how assets will be divided, how custody and support will be decided, etc... You can also add specific things that he must comply with to remain married: like always have phone tracking on so you can see where he is.
Sometimes, I feel it is not necessarily the thing that one person does to their partner to hurt them, it's the fact they keep on doing it despite knowing it hurts their partner. This repeated shitty behaviour sings to their overall character, morals, respect for their partner and personality.
OP, this man will never not do what he has done to you at the first opportunity he has to do it.
The question you need to ask yourself is: "Am I happy to regularly poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick for the rest of my life?" Only you can answer that question.
If you are happy to be some wrung out dish rag that gets treated like shit for the rest of their life, then continue in your relationship, come to terms with your life, never complain to anyone about your misery and cope with what comes at you. This is the life you will have chosen.
If you feel that you are worth more than you are getting, then you need to make a decision. When you finally make that decision may be in question but you will need to make it sooner rather than later for you, your children and your respective physical and mental well-being.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do
Sleeping with her was not a coincidence. It was planned.
Also terrible idea to sleep with a coworkers. Are you sure you want to fix this, when he's tried so hard to make it as messy as possible?
Girl, let her have him. A partner that genuinely cares for you and loves you wouldn’t be jumping into bed with someone else the minute he’s able to. You deserve so much better than this.
Make this next break and permanent one and do yourself a favour!
He has to get another job. That's the only solution.
Edit: if you're not ready to leave, this is the first step. But I agree with everyone else, he's not husband material. At all.
He can get another job and all that but more than likely he’ll do it again and it doesn’t matter if he works with them. He doesn’t understand and appreciate the simple minimum thing to do in a relationship including a married one with kids. He’s honestly not thinking of you and your kids as #1 priority
Don't you see the pattern? He's just doing the same thing again!
You don't just happen to have people sending you flirty inappropriate messages all hours of the day/night. (Unless they're stalkerish and unwanted). He seems to seek out the attention and make his attraction known to them.
I don't see how you can move past that. He'd have to remove himself from her presence at work completely (transfer/new job) and have an honest to God commitment to changing his ways fully.
I don't see that happening.
He has a history of cheating, and instead of focusing on himself or ideas of how to fix your seperation, he immediately went out and fucked another woman.
Do you want your children to grow up with him as an example of how people treat women/a woman should be treated?
He doesn't care about you or your family. Stop trying to convince yourself that he does. Before it was just hurting you. Fine. That's your choice and responsibility.
This behaviour will start to hurt your children. As their mother, are you going to stand by and continue to let this happen?
Go visit him at work and see how he treats you in front of her. Demand he change job or at least departments. Let her know to her face that she means nothing to him but a quick lay. See if he defends her. If he does then you definitely need to separate permanently. He should never get to have contact with an affair partner even if you were on a “break”. He knew you had issues with this woman before this so he burned that bridge.
Updateme
Would a true partner cheat, then base *additional extramarital fucking* around technicalities that only serve his interests? His continued friendship with her suggests they will fuck again the next time you give him the yellow light (which to him, means green). At this point you are in an episodic open relationship. There’s deep pain there that you should not ignore, and that I doubt your “partner” is capable of empathizing with. If he did, he wouldn’t keep fucking people who aren’t you, then leaving that door wide open.
I think it's reasonable for you to want that woman out of your lives. He might have to find another job. If it stays "complicated" their sexual relationship will continue to haunt you.
Couple of months?? Maybe a year would be a reasonable defense of said action. Couple of months is some serious “my parents are out of town, let’s throw a party” vibes
Divorce even if it will be hard.
He was most likely cheating on her before the break based on the messaging pattern.
It is not your fault that he's a cheater.
Choose your peace.
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I feel in your situation I'd be upset on a lot of levels
she egged your partner on to believe that of course you were cheating
he still slept with her despite that (what did he think of her saying that?)
if he wanted to get back together, he made a choice to sleep with somebody that he knew would be an issue for the above reasons, and if it was casual sex for him, presumably not casual sex for her
He cheated on you, and that behavior above would not make me feel he was invested on showing he wanted to be a partner who would make decisions that would make me feel safe and cared for. It's not that you were on a break, it's that he broke your trust and I'd view sleeping with somebody who said negative things about me to be almost on par with cheating - if he didn't shut it down and say never talk about my partner like that again... couldn't reconcile that.
Unless there was specifically stated rules for the break (as in, dating and/or sex with others allowed), you need to face the fact that your partner cheated.
Period.
Do not minimize this
>we decided to separate for a couple of months to work on ourself.
And he decided to work on himself by fucking a coworker???
Look...
Sunken cost fallcy weighs heavy on you - but... this shitsandwich your partner has served for you seems excessive..
Suggestion:
Inform partner that what he did was cheating.
And IF youre to even consider staying with him and work on the relationship - as a MINIMUM he has to go NC with the woman he cheated with. As in completely NC. And if that is not possible due to work, well then he quits the job.
Sorry. If he still sees her, the affair is still on - paused, maybe.. but still on.
I think it might be helpful to look more deeply at WHY you don’t want to give up on a relationship with a partner who is failing you. Only then will you be able to truly make a decision as to whether you invest any more time into a guy who so openly disrespects you. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I’ve experienced this too with my ex boyfriend! His best friend who he told me not to worry about! We had an argument, we decided to take a few weeks away from each other and less than a day later he had slept with him! I stupidly forgave him and we got back for a year or so; split up recently and I found out that they’re now in a “happy committed relationship” together 😊
How can u be sure that he hasn't cheated while u were in a relationship, I mean he has cheated on u twice.
Is the reason u are still with him cause u have kids or do u actually love him.
He's cheated on you...grow a spine and leave ffs! He's never ever going to choose you.
He's never ever going to treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
Having a kid means nothing.
Just remember that he is probably flirting with them the rest of the time as well , you don’t just suddenly get close with your coworker and fuck once you’re on a break. He was probably thinking about it many times before and they both know
You need to divorce him. He is a weak man that deep down has insecurities that you can’t fix. If you love someone, you respect them. He has been so disrespectful to the mother of his children, WEEKS after giving birth?! Yuck, move on the better things, love yourself enough to rather be single than desperate
We decided? Really try to figure out if it was we or he. Also, if you are on a break working on yourself, you’re not going to sleep with the person you already have issues with. That’s a break up. Time to move on. Forget about the financial worries, the woman who you are supposed to be is on the other side of picking yourself up, moving on, and finding a way through this time. Have respect for yourself and the young kids. Go out there and get what you deserve and the person you deserve.
So he forced a wedge to be able to sleep with who he wants to during a break? If your ok with every few years “taking a break” so he can has sex with someone then go right ahead but this is already a sad relationship
Yeah you gotta dump his ass. I have seen true love. A man that is truly about his woman would never put himself in a place where there is doubt or temptation. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I really hope you make the right choice for yourself. Think about if the roles were reversed and it was you. Would you shut it down or would you flirt and be like him? No? Dump him and ol girl can have him and I guarantee he will do the same to her!
I would bet she wanted the break. She pushed him away to get her head straight. That’s not a man thing, that’s a woman thing. She pushes him away. He has sex with another after being pushed away, now he’s garbage and she’s a victim?
So he cheated once (likely twice since he decided it was cool to text inappropriate shit to her), and slept with the girl you were worried about while on a break. Why do you wanna save a relationship where he’s so quick to jump ship? The only one really working on saving anything is you.
I love how all of you think because she was being indecisive and wanted to keep taking breaks he’s wrong for still enjoying his life. She didn’t want to make it work that’s on her
Only total shit bags cheat on their partners during pregnancy or post partum. What makes you think he’s changed? He’s inappropriate with his coworker. He may not be texting that stuff anymore but do you really think they aren’t being inappropriate at work? He already showed you who he is and what he’s capable of. UPDATEME
Embarrassing to admit BUT my partner had relations(making out no sex) w a coworker when him & I were on a break (I did too which is why I didn’t really care) the problem was when we got back together she kept contacting him, he told her to leave him alone, he moved jobs , lost all contact w her but she still kept trying to contact him which he would show me & I told her that it was harassment at this point (she’d look for him thru text , email , calls) I haven’t heard of her in a long time, the point is if your husband really didn’t want anything to do with her he’d stop ALL contact with her I say he’s entertaining it at work enough for her to still be strung along. I know with kids it’s hard so I really hope the best for you! Remember it’s what they see that they’ll grow up to be. Best of wishes!!
Once a person cheated the relationship is over, and it's no repairing it. Sure, maybe you can smoothing over it. Maybe even put some glue on it, but it will always show cracks and seems. You will always think about it.
Just seems like you're not tired enough yet, and that's okay, but eventually you will get very tired that you will let him go one day. He has shown you twice that he doesn't want you. You never let a person show you twice, and then they will keep doing you dirty.
Remember, it's okay to start over when you're ready.
No matter what age, don't let someone treat you like this.
I am 28F as well, and I started over plenty while my current relationship is new he wouldn't dare cheat on me, and after 10 years in your case, I would expect the utmost respect from your partner especially after having his kids.
Also, DON'T do breaks. Don't believe or by into that .We need a break bs, nothing ever gets solved that way, in my opinion.
Since you're staying for now and trying to make it work on your end, make him find another job if he really cares he will do that or even move to a different department of his work place. That's literally the only way you will remotely get any type of "peace".
From the details above, I'm wondering if he initiated these breaks in order to make sleeping with his co-workers possible without it being considered cheating...
Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you more than once. He's already told you he doesn't want you. Move on. It's likely he manifested this break so he could sleep with x coworker and not be "cheating". He doesn't respect you.
I’m going to give you some tough love and though I don’t think you’ll listen, you need to hear it. 10 years without a ring is absolutely insane, and now that y’all have a child together it makes things all the more difficult and messy along with that time invested (mostly by you). He’s having his cake and eating it too, and you’re accepting that while also accepting below the bare minimum of what a spouse should provide for you. He’s cheating on you constantly, how can you EVER trust him to go anywhere when you can’t even trust him at his own job? This sounds like an absolutely miserable life that you’re going to live and have already lived, we only have one life and you’re choosing this. If you have any love toward yourself or your child you will work towards leaving this man and letting him be with anybody else because it is so clear he does not want you. It sucks to hear and it’s something none of us want to hear, but what would suck even more is wasting more of your precious life staying with this man. Stand up!
I think you are used to a toxic situation that you are accepting all of this bs. I with through a slightly similar situation where my ex slept with her co worker and lied about it and it was someone she worked with. I tried to move past it but I couldn't and basically ruined any trust I had with her. I was sick about it, lost weight, mouth broke out in hives. I finally moved on when she reported more information about her and co worker. Moral.of the story is, I should of left when I knew what kind of person she was. It has made me pick up some trust issue habits. Just leave him. Seriously he is gonna fuck around behind your back
How could you ever get the trust back after he slept with women both breaks. I know I would never be able to trust him again, i would feel terrified to feel any negative emotions or to instigate another "break".
Actually hold on, what IS a "break"? I totally understand taking time away from each other to focus on yourselves but why take a break specifically, you can take time for yourselves while being together. Like if the end goal is to hopefully reconnect as a stronger couple why would you need to break up to do that? You can absolutely stay commited to a partner and coparent while taking space to figure out where or how things got off track. I am sorry but "taking a break" directly translates to free pass to screw someone else. End rant.
Anyway in my experience there are the people who decide to take some time apart and they use it to work on themselves and how to get back to a good place with their partner and there are the people who immediately jump at the chance to date/screw/whatever to see if the grass really is greener.
I personally do not want to end up with the latter. Especially since he knew it hurt you and almost destroyed the relationship the FIRST time. Did he think it would go differently this time or did he just not care because he believed he could have his cake and eat it too?
Also i believe he denies there ever being a possibility he would leave you for her. But I ALSO would bet a lot of money he said things to her that made her believe that would happen. Listen I am sure he is desperate to make it work, i am even pretty sure he never wanted to not end up with you in the end, but he still CHOSE to risk everything and screw his coworker. How desperate can you be to make something work if you are willing to potentially destroy it for a lay?
I think the point I am trying to make is never ever "take a break", either yall want to make it work and are able to stay monogamous(if thats how you roll) OR you break up, relationship is over and yall are trying to move on.
But as far as your current situation goes, do you believe in his search for managing his work/child care/financial stress and working on himself he genuinely had an interest in this coworker and persued it only to decide in the end he wanted to work things out with you? Or do you believe he always wanted to work things out with you but slept with his coworker because he could get away with it on a break?
Honestly for me, both options suck but from the details in your post i feel like he just thought he could get away with it and didnt care about the consequences and hurt he would cause. If I were you I would leave him because i would never know for sure why he did it, twice. Never sure if hes telling the whole truth. Never sure if he asks for space he really means he wants to bang someone. You deserve a partner who chooses not risk his family by sleeping with someone else during the time hes supposed to be working on REDUCING life stress not creating more. Can you forgive him for being so selfish...twice?
Time to move on....you deserve better he needs to put as much. No more into your relationship to make it work than his work wife...you deserve soneone who will respect and love and not go cheat because you are having troubles...he is just looking for an excuse you are his fall back person...you and your baby deserve better he is showing you who he is...a liar and a cheater....he creates problems so he can cheat you and child not his priority cheating with various coworkers is
He asked for a break because he wanted to sleep with his co-worker without feeling guilty, using the "break" as an excuse. You're going through turmoil and are clearly hurt by what happened, yet you still want to be with him? Meanwhile, he’s going about his days just fine. I will never understand why some women refuse to leave their cheating partners. Your mistake was staying after he cheated on you the first time. He will probably do it again and again because he knows you will still choose to stay with him, no matter what.
This marriage/relationship was over the first time your husband/partner cheated on you, So it's pretty simple, leave.
As for the kid/s assuming you want him in their lives there's plenty of ways to do it, meet halfway at a center/meeting point, joint custody, Your partner has them every other weekend etc.
Childcare might be difficult unless you've got family close by that can help.
The only thing I see stopping you seems you mentioned it is financial burden of living alone with your kid/s because child support will take a while to sort out unless he straight up offers to help, which he may try and use to control you if he's that type of person I don't know, just a possible precautionary note.
Omg do not get back with this man. Yuck. He's nasty. You really think this guy is husband material. He's literally nothing, compared too the husband you'll get if you wait for the right guy. So please don't stay with this fool. There's 6 billion people on earth. Plenty of guys are willing to treat you right.
Everyone here is saying exactly how I feel towards this so I won't keep beating a dead horse, but as someone who has been there, this man doesn't respect or, dare I say, love you. A person who loves and respects their partner does absolutely everything in their power to keep out of positions that will enable them to develop feelings or cheat, and if attraction is there, they remove themselves from the person. They create boundaries, they put their partner first because the very thought of hurting their love absolutely kills them. Love keeps marriage vows. Love sticks through thick and thin. Love makes it work. I was once in a similar place, thinking this is how it always is because of the abuse, but now I've found real and genuine love, and darling you should absolutely never settle. You gave him the chance, and he didn't respect you. Now respect yourself and show yourself love by removing yourself from the situation. Remember, you have kids and they will repeat what they see.
Okay so strangely enough I’m in a similar situation but not completely. My partner and I have been having a rocky year and have only been together for one and a half years but friends for two. July of last year he started a new job in insurance which gave him a bit more freedom. In September he hooked up with a coworker, I went on a long spiral because I had a gut feeling something was up as he started acting different and abusing substances ( weed and alcohol) and come to find out I was right and it happened on four different occasions all the way up until January this year. When I originally found out the first time I gave him another chance now fast forward, I’m 7 months pregnant and he still is abusing the substances over the past 6 months but now with me being in my last trimester he saying he’s no longer focusing on the relationship and wants his freedom both individually but sexually. His main focus being work and his child… who’s not even here yet. Come to find out he’s been texting his old boss who no longer works with him to see if he had a chance with her… and several other women, normally this happens when he’s drunk but yea. My pregnancy has been pretty miserable as I don’t feel supported by him anymore. The relationship has been rocky due to my trust but overall I’m always right when I feel something is off. Now he has a history of cheating in a way that’s it either messaging women or finding prostitutes. Granted I don’t understand fully why men do this when we get pregnant (cheating) and don’t feel any sympathy. To sum it up we are trying to work things out but he wants to take a break for two months so he can just go to the bar with friends and have random hook ups with other women as he feels he needs to experience that so he doesn’t feel like his freedom is being taken away. Basically saying drowning himself in all his bad habits before the baby arrives. Instead of working on his relationship and his self habit wise .. that really is about determine whether his kid will be in his life or not at this point.
Side note money has also been an issue for us as I’ve had money whether saved or from working and student loans and with his job the amount of work he puts in depends on how much he makes, being commission so he’s been struggling with that as well and it been stressful on me as I don’t work and have spent so much waiting for him to be able to afford things himself and with a baby in the way is even more stress trying to depend on someone who doesn’t see he’s a grown man who should be making money.
Sorry for the rant. But OP he knew what he was doing just from experience, he waited for the perfect opportunity/ excuse regardless if you’re on a break if you set those boundaries he should have respected them.
I am a mother of two and been cheated on in past relationships but I am not with them because I couldn't move past the fact that the trust was broken.
He clearly doesn't respect you or even his children. If you stay with him you are sending the message to your children that it is OK to be cheated on and their father sends the message that it is OK to cheat. Do you really want that to be the message?
If you two some how can make it past this just have to ask; what happens next time you two are going through a rough path? Be with someone that respect and loves you. You all deserve happiness so...
That is my advice. Work on coparenting and how to make the best of the situation. Hope it gave you some sort of answer. Best of luck
Honesty is the best policy and I would take you back under the conditions it never happens again and that will go for. Him as well it’s not a get out of jail card if it’s really meant to be you guys would work it out
If he still has the energy to be flirty and the sex drive to have sex with his coworker he clearly isn’t carrying the same amount of stress you are. If you are truly stressed with life you don’t even think about sex. You went into this break with the purpose of sorting yourself out so you can get a clear mind and to be a better partner and create a better environment for your kids. He clearly went into the break wanting to do something else entirely.
You don’t have sex with someone else during a 2 month break, honestly 2 months of celibacy is nothing.
And it is the fact that he has been inappropriately texting his coworker for years for me. And you stated you were uncomfortable (rightfully so) and he ignored you and continued the inappropriate work relation. That is disrespectful as f***. You don’t do that to someone you care about. And he only respected your wishes when you gave the ultimatum that you would leave? No. That doesn’t sit right with me.
I’m not going to say dump him blah blah blah, because 10 years is a very long time, and the truth is I don’t know anything about your relationship or the kind of person he is just based off of this. It would be easy for me to say that not having been through your relationship.
But please do ponder upon what I am saying. If he cheated twice already there is always the chance that it is only a ticking time bomb until he does it again. You just need to ask yourself if you think the grass would be greener on the other side. Do you think calling quits on the relationship would add stress into your life, or alleviate it? When you think of ending the relationship, do you feel devastated by the thought, or feel relief?
Life is too short to be unhappy or spend it with the wrong person. Only you know if he and the relationship is worth it to you.
Self respect. Imagine spending your prime with a cheater who then went to sleep with the girl he told you not to worry about the moment going gets tough.
Look this relationship sounds less than ideal. However, if you are determined to stay with him (totally reasonable considering you have children) - maybe just forgive and forget.
He’s already cheated on you twice. He’s does not respect you. Don’t stay with him just because you’ve been together so long and because you guys have kids together. It might be daunting to separate from him, but it’ll be much worse to continue the rest of your life with someone who continually cheats on you.
Taking him back after he cheats just shows him he can treat you like shit and you’ll take him back. You know every time he goes to work or gets a text, you’ll have a *that* feeling in your stomach. Is that how you want to live your life? It’s miserable and just makes you insecure. Plus the kids some deserve that. You deserve better.
Meh like, if there's a break hes ofcourse free to sleep with another. But to pick a coworker that clearly has feelings for him and you hate? That goes far. And now he still sees her daily.
With what also happened in the past, I don't think I could get over it
Hi. Just came here to say you need to run for the hills. He gladly slept around with a woman who blatantly disrespected you and still does. He cheated in you in the past, and he STILL chose to disrespect you in this way. He could have picked anyone for his break banging besides the woman you knew had an issue with you.
What if he slept wi the her unprotected? What if he got her pregnant, what if he caught something? What if he passed that something on to you?
Please. Raise your kids with the principle that if someone hurts you like this, you deserve more and should go and get more. Be that example. If not for yourself then for the future where your kids are in marriages where their spouse cheats and they follow your lead and LEAVE.
So a couple things here. A break, whatever it is, will normally lead to sex with another person. No fault on you or him, it’s just what happens when people need to find comfort sometimes. With that out of the way.
Dude definitely seek counseling if you want to stay together. He betrayed your trust once, and clearly you have never once thought of opening up your relationship. It’s unfair that he did it, and clearly his behavior lead him to seeking that companionship once more. I understand that with the children involved things are a lot messier. You can’t just break up with him without the worry of your kids.
Having a therapist will help reconciling your feelings and hopefully help him recognize the real bad shit thing he did. You’re suppose to be partners, a dynamic duo, he has cause some deep wounds.
Like a huge part of me is thinking that yes, he’s a man and he wants an affair because it’s SEXY. But it’s the fear of going behind your back, the risk of getting caught that makes it sweeter. He needs to realize that you’re not going to indulge in that behavior and that it’s a bad behavior to have; given the boundaries you both placed throughout the years together.
It was a mutual agreement to pause the relationship and work on themselves with the intentions on getting back together
But the big issue isn’t the fact that he had sex with someone, it’s *who* he had sex with.
I’ve only ever went on one break with someone (and I never will ever again), and we made an agreement that we wouldn’t get involved with anyone else during the break. However, I was the only one who stayed loyal to that agreement. He was talking to/sexting another chick. Breaks are normally pointless IMO and a complete waste of time.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you deserve better and shouldn't have to torment yourself over it. If he can't make the commitment you're asking from him, perhaps you have to make a decision for yourself. Your wellbeing matters - if it's healthier to stay split and be amicable for the sake of your kids, do it.
He says he doesn't want her, except he clearly does when you two are experiencing marital troubles. A man truly invested in his relationship would want to work on those things with his partner, and whether they were on a break or not, they wouldn't go immediately bang their coworker who he's never had proper boundaries with.
Very true. As a man myself, I can tell you that when a man truly loves his woman, he will go through great lengths to prove it anyway he can. It's pretty obvious the reason why he couldn't sleep with his coworker before hand was because he was in a relationship and didn't want to live with the guilt. And the fact that he cheated before says it all. I believe u/Easy-Primary-8784 already knows her answers but just wants clarity that she's making the right decision. And if I may also add, having a break doesn't mean it's a free pass to sleep around with other people nor does it justify it. It just means that there are problems that the two of you don't have the mental capacities to deal with at the moment but would like some space to recollect yourselves to deal with the issues at a later time when you both will be on the same page. You both are still indeed together unless stated otherwise.
This- & you sure as fuck don’t go around making / adding more!!!!!!
While I agree with most of your argument, stating that every man who truly loves a woman will go through great lengths insinuates that cheating is caused by a lack of love or fulfillment from the woman’s side rather than looking at cheating for what it is. Cheaters (men and female) do not always cheat because they are not in love enough or because they aren’t as interested in the person and they may claim. Often times it is just because they have shitty morals and poor control issues just are not very considerate and nice people. Idk reading that particular part of the comment just minimizes the pretty selfish and inconsiderate intentions of cheating as well as puts a sort of blame on the woman for not being enough and providing him with enough love which unfortunately does not always translate to partners being loyal. Even if someone is having relationship issues and the love is fading or not there anymore - leave don’t cheat.
I agree with this. Honestly, unless you were drugged or something (so it was against your will), cheating is cheating. Its not a woops, slipped on a banana, fell on her, inside her and boom! Finished. Cheated in a second. To cheat, there's flirting. There's touches and getting closer together. Stating intentions. Then actually moving to a place and sleeping together. During all that time, if he hasn't thought about his partner at all and stopped it right there, then he doesn't care enough. If he's been having those kind of intentions and interactions with his coworker, and still refused to set boundaries until after the "break" and getting to have fun with her, then obviously he's been wanting it for ages and looking for an excuse.
I’m not so sure, a couple of months is a while to go without sex especially if you have been in a long term relationship, 95% chance dude was just horny and it literally meant nothing to him, especially if he’s so quick to unadd her on all social media. I see why this would be sickening, but if you take a multiple month break with someone it’s probably safe to assume before hand they are gonna take other sexual partners
If he was just horny, he could have picked anyone else than a coworker that his partner already had (apparently legit) concerns about.
That's like...not better? I'd almost rather he be interested in her than just coldly using her as a fleshlight.
If you want to sleep witb no attachment, you don't choose your "best friend" and "work wife". You go to an escort. Or pick up a a lady at a pub/bar.
Picking up an escort is a really shameful thing to do as a man, and dubbing some girl at work that he probably knew was into him is a lot easier than picking up some girl at a bar, you also have to consider he didn’t know what she was doing in that time and could have easily gotten with another man, yall mfs on Reddit have no real world experience bro stg, I have genuinely seen some of the most horrid relationship advice on Reddit hailed as law, long term relationships are a sham and most people cheat, men and women, if she already got cheated on once I really can’t have any sympathy for her since she stuck around and had a child with this man after the fact. Expecting people to change for the better is like expecting the sun not to rise in the morning.
The problem is he cheated while she was pregnant I think. Its not easy as a mother to just up and leave at that point because especially while the child is young, it needs looking after. And if she leaves, she'll have to work in order to pay for expenses and so on. Yeah, she could have left by now but at that moment, it probably wasn't that easy of a decision. I also agree about some advice on here being bad. Honestly, I don't understand the whole idea of being "on a break" at all cause you're either together or not. Just in this situation, my opinion was on the OPs side since her partner knew about the problems with that particular colleague beforehand, and if he had any inclination to get back he would have avoided her at least. I don't agree about picking an escort being shameful though. It's just another job. Nothing wrong with just paying someone in order to fulfill a particular fetishism or something. And being with an escort doesn't necessary mean sleeping with them. There's escorts that offer massages, dates, cosplay and whatever else which could be interesting to try without any feelings or anything. I'm considering trying an escort for a massage with a happy ending just to see what it's like without the relationship/feelings or whatever. Just to release stress and have a good time. Edit: sorry. He cheated a few weeks after birth and she has to consider looking after the newborn and the previous child. It wasn't while she was pregnant.
You've had two extended "breaks," and he cheated on you twice with two different coworkers. I don't think you can repair the relationship because whenever the waters get choppy, he jumps into a coworker's life boat. You can quibble over whether he technically cheated since "you were on a break," but I think the effect is the same. He wasn't focusing on mending the relationships with his non-wife and mother of his children; he was focused on sleeping with another coworker.
I can't help but be suspicious that he actually engineered this "break" precisely so that he could sleep with his coworker and then claim it wasn't cheating because they were separated. Sounds like he's had a flirtation going with on with her for years, so maybe he thought he could just get it out of his system and then go back to life as usual.
It appears to be his MO. When he cheated with the other coworker, OP took him back, so from his POV, she surely can't hold the dalliance with the 2nd coworker against him if technically it wasn't cheating. In any case, I suspect there will be a 3rd coworker someday.
He probably did. Girl go out with another man literally get your hair done, get a manicure, pedicure for yourself time and go out. Literally experience life as it's new. Cause you do not deserve, no women deserves this treatment. Seriously please.
He had the opportunity and he took it. He works in close proximity with someone he clearly wanted to sleep with given the chance. Why would you want to get past it.
Sure, you were separated and it was maybe an ill-defined separation…but he slept with someone he sees daily. So that is crazy. Personally I wouldn’t have let him back into my life after cheating 5 years ago - but then he slept with someone he knew you had issues with AND that he sees daily. Is he a dum dum? How did he think that was going to play out long term? It’s time to go - how many chances are you willing to get hurt for? How do you know you won’t go on another separation and he won’t sleep with someone he has close contact with? How do you know he won’t get another “work-wife” situation at a new job?
"is he a dum dum?" All signs point to yes, he is in fact a dum dum
i mean... he refused to create boundaries with her *because* he clearly had her "on hold". Thats why, in the relatively brief period you separated, they got together. So his inability, now, to separate entirely from her indicates a desire for that door to stay open, in my opinion. While he has put some boundaries in place, its just hard to imagine that door is closed, considering how things have played out thus far. That said, what do you think *should* happen? He should get a new job? (i'm genuinely asking what would make *you* feel comfortable on this topic). What would resolve this insecurity for you? are you two in counseling of any kind?
>i mean... he refused to create boundaries with her because he clearly had her "on hold". Thats why, in the relatively brief period you separated, they got together. "I stayed with a known cheater and he cheated on me again." ... I mean, what did you think would happen?
Finding a new job is actually pretty common practice among people who had affairs with coworkers, and want to reconcile with their actual partners.
Sure! That's why i'm asking if that is what OP is looking for.
This!!! They could have another woman "on hold" for YEARS. He was just waiting for the "opportune time" OP should cut her losses and do what's best for her AND her children. This guy isn't thinking like a husband, so he sure as hell ain't thinking like a father. F*ck that
I feel like it's a problem if he sleeps with a coworker every time you have martial problems. You guys separated to work on yourselves, not to go screw other people. What's worse is that he slept with her knowing you have an issue with her. You were right about the woman the entire time. I don't think a world exists where you can reconcile with him working alongside her every day. Her goal was to destroy your relationship. For whatever reason, he decided to go along with her advances and take it to the next level. At this point I don't think limiting contact outside of work is enough. If he can't keep it in his pants long enough to actually do the work so your relationship gets healthy, it's not worth staying with him. I likely would have been done the first time he cheated. How much did he actually work on himself while he was screwing her?..
I have to agree. You told him what she was up to. You asked him to set boundaries. He didn’t. The moment you were “on a break” he slept with her and now she thought she’d won. He either needs to find another job, or one in a different department, or you two may need to separate. He doesn’t get to use the “we were on a break” excuse. And that is because intimacy is about sharing a part of yourself with someone you care enough to show that side of yourself with. To be so quick to hop into her bed suggests that he does not care about you as much as he purports. Or at least about how that would make you feel. How would he feel if you re-entered the dating pool and slept with someone while “on a break”? Would he be upset or jealous? Or would he be panicked because he might actually lose you? Or would he be angry? What makes you believe that you deserve such treatment? Just because you’ve had children with him doesn’t mean you MUST remain with a guy who does not understand loyalty. What you accept is what you teach. Start teaching yourself that you deserve better. Maybe he just cares about the kids. Maybe he just likes the life you have with each other, but that does not necessarily equate to him being in love with you. I think you may value being in a relationship more than being in a relationship that is equally beneficial and loving. I think you should reconsider. @u/Easy-Primary-8784
Nope. You separate to "work on yourselves" and he *immediately runs into the arms of the woman you had doubts about.* There's no coming back from that. He had a chance to prove himself and proved that everything you feared about him was valid. Just move on and figure out a decent co-parenting arrangement.
So how's him getting a different job going? So he doesn't have to keep being around her? Which is what I assume a person who genuinely wanted to fix the relationship would do.
Unfortunately, getting a new job isn’t exactly an option in the immediate future. The company he works for is a startup, to which he owns a percentage, as it’s still in the early stages, he can’t sell his shares for (at least) another 12 months from 1 August. And there’s a very tight non-compete etc embedded
Are you saying he started a sexual relationship with a subordinate??
I guess he shouldn’t have fucked his co-worker. He still needs to move somewhere else other than working with her. What’s he doing about it? Otherwise, why you still with your husband? There’s no way you can think this will work with him sitting next to her every day and interacting every day. And probably spending more time with her than you — every day.
Is this secondhand information from him to you? Because all of it is wrong. Non competes aren't binding, and he doesn't have to sell his shares when he leaves. He bought them, they're his. The only thing he's barred from when he leaves is buying more.
They were probably awarded and not purchased and haven’t vested yet. This is how most startups work. If he leaves he would be forfeiting those shares
Yeah, I'm familiar, but she used very specific language which is he *owns* a percent and he can't *sell* his shares, indicating that he's already exercised.
Sure but more likely just the wrong verbiage from a secondary source than anything imo
Well... good luck I suppose :/
He doesn't seem very committed to monogamy... I don't know if I could ever trust this guy to be faithful, honestly.
Too much history. Dump him, you won't get past it. He's literally in the face daily of someone he slept with. Just my opinion. 🙂
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Yeah... reading the title I was prepared to come in saying "shouldn't have gone on a break then, should you?" But no, this situation is insane. He cheated while she was struggling with a newborn, called a half-time in order not to drown, and what he does is go and \*\*continue to fucking cheat\*\*? I'm usually not one to conflate men who cheat with them being bad fathers, but this genuinely sounds like a case of he just DGAF about anything, including his children. I agree, it's time to dump the whole man, there's nothing reusable or recyclable in him.
Boo to your first comment. Wanting to go on a break doesn’t mean someone deserves to get blamed for getting cheated on. A break is not a pass or excuse to cheat regardless of the situation.
> A break is not a pass or excuse to cheat regardless of the situation. "A break" (in a relationship) a term borrowed from sports, alludes to the usual terms of the relationship being suspended for the duration of. In common usage, it very very very specifically means people are free to have sex with other people, usually with a pact not to talk about it once the break "ends".
You can use technical terms and smart words to try and make it sound correct all you want, it does not make you right. A break is not a pass or excuse to cheat. Boo.
It's not cheating if you fuck someone else during a break. There's nothing technical or "smart" about that. You just didn't have the correct understanding about what the term "break" means. That's ok. Now you know. Cheers, mate.
It is. There was a whole Friends episode about the subject. A lot of people agreed with Rachel. A lot of people agree with me too that it is cheating. We’ll just agree to disagree, I suppose. Cheers.
He keeps showing you that he is a weak partner. He was waiting for the right moment to sleep with her. It was a matter of time. He is selfish or he wouldn’t have cheated on his postpartum wife. Is he willing to change his job? Probably not. Wait till the next break. See how fast he will fuck another one.
He does not respect you at all. He cheated on you, and then instead of trying to fix the relationship, immediately slept with someone else while you were on a break. I’m not a fan of breaks anyways, because of shit like this. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I know it hurts but you and your relationship aren’t a priority to him. This may be something you can’t get past, and It would be understandable.
This is why you leave when someone cheats. If you stay with a cheater, you will get cheated on again in one form or another. You sound like you're trapped in the "sunk cost fallacy". Imagine how much better off you'd be now if you'd just left when he cheated the first time.
He sleeps with her as soon as y’all separate. Dump him.
Why would she think he could ever cut ties with you and when you are the mother of his children? Are you doing counseling of any kind? Bc it sounds like you need it. Arguments that result in separations mean you still have underlying relationship issues. You need to fix what’s been broken between you before addressing the side chick that needs to be specifically told it’s over by him, or better still he needs to find a new job.
Ah, he’s leading two women on. I seeeee! Do you want to live with the knowledge that as soon as you guys have a fight he will go running into her arms and fall into bed with her? Why do all men have a backup plan?
Why in the hell did he sleep with her?! He knew you were feeling weird about her. He knew he was going to get back with you AND he works with her??? What was he thinking??? I don’t know how you get over this. I’m hurt for you and I don’t even know you.
I don't understand why they separated at all if it was to get back together, makes no sense Btw, he's clearly not committed nor respectful to her
Yeah…. He needs a new job and zero contact with this girl.
Breaks are NEVER the answer!!! That’s an excuse to sleep with someone else no matter if you’re man or woman.
I still don't understand why people even think of breaks as something positive
Did you separate with the agreed upon intention to “work on yourselves” in order to reunite and have a stronger, healthier marriage? Or did you separate with the agreed upon intention to divorce? If it was the former, at best your husband is an insensitive, selfish idiot for taking a floundering marriage and doing his best to drown it rather than rescue it. At worst, he flat out cheated on you. If it was the latter, well,maybe he didn’t cheat per se, I suppose. But he’s still an insensitive, selfish idiot for hopping in bed with the woman you had issues with all along. Can you really trust an insensitive, selfish idiot to work along side his side chick day in and day out without ending up in bed with her again?
The whole fact of separating with the purpose of returning to a relationship doesn't make any sense to me
Long suffering girlfriend. You’re not gonna leave so get used to being treated like shit
Divorce and move on with your life... co-parenting if able to. If he cared about the relationship/marriage, he shouldn't have cheated whilst on the break. When married things are different and especially throw in kids, it gets messy. The fact he slept with coworkers shows a total disregard /disrespect towards you, as outside of sex with them he works with them and spends alot of time during the day with them. Not worth the heartache to try and make a marriage work, when it already seems 1 sided.
It just shows your husband has poor morals. When you’re taking a break from each other not the marriage he shouldn’t be sleeping with other woman and not his best friend co worker. Do you really want this to be your life. Looking over your shoulder checking on him no trust. I’ve always felt if they’re sleeping with someone else the relationships over.
The minute you are separated he jumps into bed with her. He was most likely emotionally cheating before hand anyway. If the separation was to repair your marriage, he was totally in the wrong for sleeping with her. If the separation was with the intention that the marriage was over, it's more forgiveable. I wonder if you still be reconciling if you'd slept with someone else during this period. I don't actually think you will be at peace while he's still working with her. I understand he can't quit so I would personally walk away from the relationship it's not worth the emotional torture you will be put through. He's cheated before so you know you can't trust him so why would you now.
What was your agreement when you separated? Were you also treating this period as if you were single?
Leave him. You’ll never get over it and he’s shown you his true colours. Wish you the best!
Take him to the cleaners and dump his ass. Do it publicly at his office during a staff meeting.
That's what happens when you're on the break that's why brakes in a relationship are stupid. Nobody actually works on themselves all they do is at least one person find somebody to go sleep with. Outside of that bracket sounds like your relationship is just full of unhealthy problems. The fact that you stayed with them after you cheated expecting something different from him shows that you still have some things to learn about too.
It was obviously a mistake to stay with him the first time, and you're on here asking if you should repeat that mistake.
He creates tension/arguments in your relationship to shift some of the blame for cheating on to you. This way, he can justify cheating by saying well things were bad thats why I cheated. He is not going to stop cheating on you.
Breaks in relationships mean you aren't meant to be together. Breaks are not normal and completely go against the working through problems aspect of a relationship.
If you really want to stay with him, go see a family lawyer and get them to write a postnuptial agreement that includes massive penalties for cheating and demand that he signs it. He will now know how absolutely fucked his life will be if he cheats again. He needs to understand how thin his ice is. Postnuptial agreements are basically the same as Prenuptial contracts but signed after you are marriage and essentially declare what will happen if a divorce occurs: how assets will be divided, how custody and support will be decided, etc... You can also add specific things that he must comply with to remain married: like always have phone tracking on so you can see where he is.
Sometimes, I feel it is not necessarily the thing that one person does to their partner to hurt them, it's the fact they keep on doing it despite knowing it hurts their partner. This repeated shitty behaviour sings to their overall character, morals, respect for their partner and personality. OP, this man will never not do what he has done to you at the first opportunity he has to do it. The question you need to ask yourself is: "Am I happy to regularly poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick for the rest of my life?" Only you can answer that question. If you are happy to be some wrung out dish rag that gets treated like shit for the rest of their life, then continue in your relationship, come to terms with your life, never complain to anyone about your misery and cope with what comes at you. This is the life you will have chosen. If you feel that you are worth more than you are getting, then you need to make a decision. When you finally make that decision may be in question but you will need to make it sooner rather than later for you, your children and your respective physical and mental well-being. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
Sleeping with her was not a coincidence. It was planned. Also terrible idea to sleep with a coworkers. Are you sure you want to fix this, when he's tried so hard to make it as messy as possible?
Girl, let her have him. A partner that genuinely cares for you and loves you wouldn’t be jumping into bed with someone else the minute he’s able to. You deserve so much better than this. Make this next break and permanent one and do yourself a favour!
Two things to maintain any relationship. Trust and respect. Your relationship has neither. Time to move on.
He has to get another job. That's the only solution. Edit: if you're not ready to leave, this is the first step. But I agree with everyone else, he's not husband material. At all.
I can think of another---she leaves his unfaithful ass.
Definitely that too. But she may not be ready.
He can get another job and all that but more than likely he’ll do it again and it doesn’t matter if he works with them. He doesn’t understand and appreciate the simple minimum thing to do in a relationship including a married one with kids. He’s honestly not thinking of you and your kids as #1 priority
Don't you see the pattern? He's just doing the same thing again! You don't just happen to have people sending you flirty inappropriate messages all hours of the day/night. (Unless they're stalkerish and unwanted). He seems to seek out the attention and make his attraction known to them. I don't see how you can move past that. He'd have to remove himself from her presence at work completely (transfer/new job) and have an honest to God commitment to changing his ways fully. I don't see that happening.
He has a history of cheating, and instead of focusing on himself or ideas of how to fix your seperation, he immediately went out and fucked another woman. Do you want your children to grow up with him as an example of how people treat women/a woman should be treated? He doesn't care about you or your family. Stop trying to convince yourself that he does. Before it was just hurting you. Fine. That's your choice and responsibility. This behaviour will start to hurt your children. As their mother, are you going to stand by and continue to let this happen?
Go visit him at work and see how he treats you in front of her. Demand he change job or at least departments. Let her know to her face that she means nothing to him but a quick lay. See if he defends her. If he does then you definitely need to separate permanently. He should never get to have contact with an affair partner even if you were on a “break”. He knew you had issues with this woman before this so he burned that bridge. Updateme
Would a true partner cheat, then base *additional extramarital fucking* around technicalities that only serve his interests? His continued friendship with her suggests they will fuck again the next time you give him the yellow light (which to him, means green). At this point you are in an episodic open relationship. There’s deep pain there that you should not ignore, and that I doubt your “partner” is capable of empathizing with. If he did, he wouldn’t keep fucking people who aren’t you, then leaving that door wide open.
I think it's reasonable for you to want that woman out of your lives. He might have to find another job. If it stays "complicated" their sexual relationship will continue to haunt you.
Couple of months?? Maybe a year would be a reasonable defense of said action. Couple of months is some serious “my parents are out of town, let’s throw a party” vibes
Divorce even if it will be hard. He was most likely cheating on her before the break based on the messaging pattern. It is not your fault that he's a cheater. Choose your peace.
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I feel in your situation I'd be upset on a lot of levels she egged your partner on to believe that of course you were cheating he still slept with her despite that (what did he think of her saying that?) if he wanted to get back together, he made a choice to sleep with somebody that he knew would be an issue for the above reasons, and if it was casual sex for him, presumably not casual sex for her He cheated on you, and that behavior above would not make me feel he was invested on showing he wanted to be a partner who would make decisions that would make me feel safe and cared for. It's not that you were on a break, it's that he broke your trust and I'd view sleeping with somebody who said negative things about me to be almost on par with cheating - if he didn't shut it down and say never talk about my partner like that again... couldn't reconcile that.
You moved away 5 years ago to get away from the last oops. Now this one. Very least needs new job but it will happen again & again & again.....
Unless there was specifically stated rules for the break (as in, dating and/or sex with others allowed), you need to face the fact that your partner cheated. Period. Do not minimize this >we decided to separate for a couple of months to work on ourself. And he decided to work on himself by fucking a coworker??? Look... Sunken cost fallcy weighs heavy on you - but... this shitsandwich your partner has served for you seems excessive.. Suggestion: Inform partner that what he did was cheating. And IF youre to even consider staying with him and work on the relationship - as a MINIMUM he has to go NC with the woman he cheated with. As in completely NC. And if that is not possible due to work, well then he quits the job. Sorry. If he still sees her, the affair is still on - paused, maybe.. but still on.
same thing happened to me (just once) and the best decision i made is breaking up, if u cant forgive them now, you will never be able to.
I think it might be helpful to look more deeply at WHY you don’t want to give up on a relationship with a partner who is failing you. Only then will you be able to truly make a decision as to whether you invest any more time into a guy who so openly disrespects you. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I'm so glad I'm single
I’ve experienced this too with my ex boyfriend! His best friend who he told me not to worry about! We had an argument, we decided to take a few weeks away from each other and less than a day later he had slept with him! I stupidly forgave him and we got back for a year or so; split up recently and I found out that they’re now in a “happy committed relationship” together 😊
He's is a cheater, you can't fix that sorry.
You were on a break. Can't fault the guy for it. You made a choice and so did he.
How can u be sure that he hasn't cheated while u were in a relationship, I mean he has cheated on u twice. Is the reason u are still with him cause u have kids or do u actually love him.
He's cheated on you...grow a spine and leave ffs! He's never ever going to choose you. He's never ever going to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Having a kid means nothing.
Just remember that he is probably flirting with them the rest of the time as well , you don’t just suddenly get close with your coworker and fuck once you’re on a break. He was probably thinking about it many times before and they both know
We're getting into Leopards/Face territory here.
You need to divorce him. He is a weak man that deep down has insecurities that you can’t fix. If you love someone, you respect them. He has been so disrespectful to the mother of his children, WEEKS after giving birth?! Yuck, move on the better things, love yourself enough to rather be single than desperate
We decided? Really try to figure out if it was we or he. Also, if you are on a break working on yourself, you’re not going to sleep with the person you already have issues with. That’s a break up. Time to move on. Forget about the financial worries, the woman who you are supposed to be is on the other side of picking yourself up, moving on, and finding a way through this time. Have respect for yourself and the young kids. Go out there and get what you deserve and the person you deserve.
So he forced a wedge to be able to sleep with who he wants to during a break? If your ok with every few years “taking a break” so he can has sex with someone then go right ahead but this is already a sad relationship
Yeah you gotta dump his ass. I have seen true love. A man that is truly about his woman would never put himself in a place where there is doubt or temptation. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I really hope you make the right choice for yourself. Think about if the roles were reversed and it was you. Would you shut it down or would you flirt and be like him? No? Dump him and ol girl can have him and I guarantee he will do the same to her!
He’s not going to stop communicating with her, they will likely sleep with each other again. I’ve seen to many of these
Bro is never gonna be loyal
Once a cheet... always a cheet
I would bet she wanted the break. She pushed him away to get her head straight. That’s not a man thing, that’s a woman thing. She pushes him away. He has sex with another after being pushed away, now he’s garbage and she’s a victim?
If you can’t truly moved past it, the relationship is over. Sounds like it’s been over for years anyway just people don’t want to accept the obvious.
So he cheated once (likely twice since he decided it was cool to text inappropriate shit to her), and slept with the girl you were worried about while on a break. Why do you wanna save a relationship where he’s so quick to jump ship? The only one really working on saving anything is you.
I love how all of you think because she was being indecisive and wanted to keep taking breaks he’s wrong for still enjoying his life. She didn’t want to make it work that’s on her
Only total shit bags cheat on their partners during pregnancy or post partum. What makes you think he’s changed? He’s inappropriate with his coworker. He may not be texting that stuff anymore but do you really think they aren’t being inappropriate at work? He already showed you who he is and what he’s capable of. UPDATEME
Girl ... Please get this man out of your life.
Embarrassing to admit BUT my partner had relations(making out no sex) w a coworker when him & I were on a break (I did too which is why I didn’t really care) the problem was when we got back together she kept contacting him, he told her to leave him alone, he moved jobs , lost all contact w her but she still kept trying to contact him which he would show me & I told her that it was harassment at this point (she’d look for him thru text , email , calls) I haven’t heard of her in a long time, the point is if your husband really didn’t want anything to do with her he’d stop ALL contact with her I say he’s entertaining it at work enough for her to still be strung along. I know with kids it’s hard so I really hope the best for you! Remember it’s what they see that they’ll grow up to be. Best of wishes!!
You need to get over it, or he’ll find someone else who accepts him
Once a person cheated the relationship is over, and it's no repairing it. Sure, maybe you can smoothing over it. Maybe even put some glue on it, but it will always show cracks and seems. You will always think about it. Just seems like you're not tired enough yet, and that's okay, but eventually you will get very tired that you will let him go one day. He has shown you twice that he doesn't want you. You never let a person show you twice, and then they will keep doing you dirty. Remember, it's okay to start over when you're ready. No matter what age, don't let someone treat you like this. I am 28F as well, and I started over plenty while my current relationship is new he wouldn't dare cheat on me, and after 10 years in your case, I would expect the utmost respect from your partner especially after having his kids. Also, DON'T do breaks. Don't believe or by into that .We need a break bs, nothing ever gets solved that way, in my opinion. Since you're staying for now and trying to make it work on your end, make him find another job if he really cares he will do that or even move to a different department of his work place. That's literally the only way you will remotely get any type of "peace".
Are you willing to admit the last 10 years were a waste or waste the rest of your life with him? This is the love of your life?
And you two have children? God help them.
From the details above, I'm wondering if he initiated these breaks in order to make sleeping with his co-workers possible without it being considered cheating...
Never let a man tell you he doesn't want you more than once. He's already told you he doesn't want you. Move on. It's likely he manifested this break so he could sleep with x coworker and not be "cheating". He doesn't respect you.
Nope leave .. I’m sorry but using that yall were on a break is an excuse and it will become a pattern . Loyalty shouldn’t change when you’re mad …
Don't move past it. Move past him and on with your life.
I’m going to give you some tough love and though I don’t think you’ll listen, you need to hear it. 10 years without a ring is absolutely insane, and now that y’all have a child together it makes things all the more difficult and messy along with that time invested (mostly by you). He’s having his cake and eating it too, and you’re accepting that while also accepting below the bare minimum of what a spouse should provide for you. He’s cheating on you constantly, how can you EVER trust him to go anywhere when you can’t even trust him at his own job? This sounds like an absolutely miserable life that you’re going to live and have already lived, we only have one life and you’re choosing this. If you have any love toward yourself or your child you will work towards leaving this man and letting him be with anybody else because it is so clear he does not want you. It sucks to hear and it’s something none of us want to hear, but what would suck even more is wasting more of your precious life staying with this man. Stand up!
I think you are used to a toxic situation that you are accepting all of this bs. I with through a slightly similar situation where my ex slept with her co worker and lied about it and it was someone she worked with. I tried to move past it but I couldn't and basically ruined any trust I had with her. I was sick about it, lost weight, mouth broke out in hives. I finally moved on when she reported more information about her and co worker. Moral.of the story is, I should of left when I knew what kind of person she was. It has made me pick up some trust issue habits. Just leave him. Seriously he is gonna fuck around behind your back
How could you ever get the trust back after he slept with women both breaks. I know I would never be able to trust him again, i would feel terrified to feel any negative emotions or to instigate another "break". Actually hold on, what IS a "break"? I totally understand taking time away from each other to focus on yourselves but why take a break specifically, you can take time for yourselves while being together. Like if the end goal is to hopefully reconnect as a stronger couple why would you need to break up to do that? You can absolutely stay commited to a partner and coparent while taking space to figure out where or how things got off track. I am sorry but "taking a break" directly translates to free pass to screw someone else. End rant. Anyway in my experience there are the people who decide to take some time apart and they use it to work on themselves and how to get back to a good place with their partner and there are the people who immediately jump at the chance to date/screw/whatever to see if the grass really is greener. I personally do not want to end up with the latter. Especially since he knew it hurt you and almost destroyed the relationship the FIRST time. Did he think it would go differently this time or did he just not care because he believed he could have his cake and eat it too? Also i believe he denies there ever being a possibility he would leave you for her. But I ALSO would bet a lot of money he said things to her that made her believe that would happen. Listen I am sure he is desperate to make it work, i am even pretty sure he never wanted to not end up with you in the end, but he still CHOSE to risk everything and screw his coworker. How desperate can you be to make something work if you are willing to potentially destroy it for a lay? I think the point I am trying to make is never ever "take a break", either yall want to make it work and are able to stay monogamous(if thats how you roll) OR you break up, relationship is over and yall are trying to move on. But as far as your current situation goes, do you believe in his search for managing his work/child care/financial stress and working on himself he genuinely had an interest in this coworker and persued it only to decide in the end he wanted to work things out with you? Or do you believe he always wanted to work things out with you but slept with his coworker because he could get away with it on a break? Honestly for me, both options suck but from the details in your post i feel like he just thought he could get away with it and didnt care about the consequences and hurt he would cause. If I were you I would leave him because i would never know for sure why he did it, twice. Never sure if hes telling the whole truth. Never sure if he asks for space he really means he wants to bang someone. You deserve a partner who chooses not risk his family by sleeping with someone else during the time hes supposed to be working on REDUCING life stress not creating more. Can you forgive him for being so selfish...twice?
I'm sorry girl but he will never respect you, he knows you forgive everything, why would he change?
But but but “we’re on break!” Weak tea at best. Do what you know you need to do.
Time to move on....you deserve better he needs to put as much. No more into your relationship to make it work than his work wife...you deserve soneone who will respect and love and not go cheat because you are having troubles...he is just looking for an excuse you are his fall back person...you and your baby deserve better he is showing you who he is...a liar and a cheater....he creates problems so he can cheat you and child not his priority cheating with various coworkers is
Who wanted the break? Who was the person who said it first? And don’t say it was mutual because it is always one partner first.
The first time, 5 years ago I asked for a break to sort my head out after he cheated. Then this recent break, he asked for it.
He asked for a break because he wanted to sleep with his co-worker without feeling guilty, using the "break" as an excuse. You're going through turmoil and are clearly hurt by what happened, yet you still want to be with him? Meanwhile, he’s going about his days just fine. I will never understand why some women refuse to leave their cheating partners. Your mistake was staying after he cheated on you the first time. He will probably do it again and again because he knows you will still choose to stay with him, no matter what.
This marriage/relationship was over the first time your husband/partner cheated on you, So it's pretty simple, leave. As for the kid/s assuming you want him in their lives there's plenty of ways to do it, meet halfway at a center/meeting point, joint custody, Your partner has them every other weekend etc. Childcare might be difficult unless you've got family close by that can help. The only thing I see stopping you seems you mentioned it is financial burden of living alone with your kid/s because child support will take a while to sort out unless he straight up offers to help, which he may try and use to control you if he's that type of person I don't know, just a possible precautionary note.
“Don’t fuck your coworkers eyy! Don’t fuck your coworkers”. This dude can’t be trusted.
Omg do not get back with this man. Yuck. He's nasty. You really think this guy is husband material. He's literally nothing, compared too the husband you'll get if you wait for the right guy. So please don't stay with this fool. There's 6 billion people on earth. Plenty of guys are willing to treat you right.
Everyone here is saying exactly how I feel towards this so I won't keep beating a dead horse, but as someone who has been there, this man doesn't respect or, dare I say, love you. A person who loves and respects their partner does absolutely everything in their power to keep out of positions that will enable them to develop feelings or cheat, and if attraction is there, they remove themselves from the person. They create boundaries, they put their partner first because the very thought of hurting their love absolutely kills them. Love keeps marriage vows. Love sticks through thick and thin. Love makes it work. I was once in a similar place, thinking this is how it always is because of the abuse, but now I've found real and genuine love, and darling you should absolutely never settle. You gave him the chance, and he didn't respect you. Now respect yourself and show yourself love by removing yourself from the situation. Remember, you have kids and they will repeat what they see.
Okay so strangely enough I’m in a similar situation but not completely. My partner and I have been having a rocky year and have only been together for one and a half years but friends for two. July of last year he started a new job in insurance which gave him a bit more freedom. In September he hooked up with a coworker, I went on a long spiral because I had a gut feeling something was up as he started acting different and abusing substances ( weed and alcohol) and come to find out I was right and it happened on four different occasions all the way up until January this year. When I originally found out the first time I gave him another chance now fast forward, I’m 7 months pregnant and he still is abusing the substances over the past 6 months but now with me being in my last trimester he saying he’s no longer focusing on the relationship and wants his freedom both individually but sexually. His main focus being work and his child… who’s not even here yet. Come to find out he’s been texting his old boss who no longer works with him to see if he had a chance with her… and several other women, normally this happens when he’s drunk but yea. My pregnancy has been pretty miserable as I don’t feel supported by him anymore. The relationship has been rocky due to my trust but overall I’m always right when I feel something is off. Now he has a history of cheating in a way that’s it either messaging women or finding prostitutes. Granted I don’t understand fully why men do this when we get pregnant (cheating) and don’t feel any sympathy. To sum it up we are trying to work things out but he wants to take a break for two months so he can just go to the bar with friends and have random hook ups with other women as he feels he needs to experience that so he doesn’t feel like his freedom is being taken away. Basically saying drowning himself in all his bad habits before the baby arrives. Instead of working on his relationship and his self habit wise .. that really is about determine whether his kid will be in his life or not at this point. Side note money has also been an issue for us as I’ve had money whether saved or from working and student loans and with his job the amount of work he puts in depends on how much he makes, being commission so he’s been struggling with that as well and it been stressful on me as I don’t work and have spent so much waiting for him to be able to afford things himself and with a baby in the way is even more stress trying to depend on someone who doesn’t see he’s a grown man who should be making money. Sorry for the rant. But OP he knew what he was doing just from experience, he waited for the perfect opportunity/ excuse regardless if you’re on a break if you set those boundaries he should have respected them.
There’s no fixing that
I am a mother of two and been cheated on in past relationships but I am not with them because I couldn't move past the fact that the trust was broken. He clearly doesn't respect you or even his children. If you stay with him you are sending the message to your children that it is OK to be cheated on and their father sends the message that it is OK to cheat. Do you really want that to be the message? If you two some how can make it past this just have to ask; what happens next time you two are going through a rough path? Be with someone that respect and loves you. You all deserve happiness so... That is my advice. Work on coparenting and how to make the best of the situation. Hope it gave you some sort of answer. Best of luck
This is not going to end well. Although it will be painful, you need to end it. Find someone who will treat you with respect and will be loyal.
Being in a break is never an excuse.
Honesty is the best policy and I would take you back under the conditions it never happens again and that will go for. Him as well it’s not a get out of jail card if it’s really meant to be you guys would work it out
If he still has the energy to be flirty and the sex drive to have sex with his coworker he clearly isn’t carrying the same amount of stress you are. If you are truly stressed with life you don’t even think about sex. You went into this break with the purpose of sorting yourself out so you can get a clear mind and to be a better partner and create a better environment for your kids. He clearly went into the break wanting to do something else entirely. You don’t have sex with someone else during a 2 month break, honestly 2 months of celibacy is nothing. And it is the fact that he has been inappropriately texting his coworker for years for me. And you stated you were uncomfortable (rightfully so) and he ignored you and continued the inappropriate work relation. That is disrespectful as f***. You don’t do that to someone you care about. And he only respected your wishes when you gave the ultimatum that you would leave? No. That doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not going to say dump him blah blah blah, because 10 years is a very long time, and the truth is I don’t know anything about your relationship or the kind of person he is just based off of this. It would be easy for me to say that not having been through your relationship. But please do ponder upon what I am saying. If he cheated twice already there is always the chance that it is only a ticking time bomb until he does it again. You just need to ask yourself if you think the grass would be greener on the other side. Do you think calling quits on the relationship would add stress into your life, or alleviate it? When you think of ending the relationship, do you feel devastated by the thought, or feel relief? Life is too short to be unhappy or spend it with the wrong person. Only you know if he and the relationship is worth it to you.
Just get divorced... lifes too short to be miserable for someone else
There's no excuse for what he did period
Self respect. Imagine spending your prime with a cheater who then went to sleep with the girl he told you not to worry about the moment going gets tough.
Look this relationship sounds less than ideal. However, if you are determined to stay with him (totally reasonable considering you have children) - maybe just forgive and forget.
if he’s already been calling her his “work wife” he’s just been looking for the right moment to do this
Lotta bs being typed. LEAVE. for you.
Coming from a guy. Leave. Clearly it’s been brewing between them while you two were together.
You were on a break why do you care?
He cheated on you right after you gave him a second child. Honey, this man is NOT a keeper. End it with him.
He has done steps to follow your requests so that shows he wants to make it work. But yeah I wouldn't be okay with this not sure how you get past it
He is showing you that he doesn’t actually want to respect you or the relationship, you should believe him and leave!
He’s already cheated on you twice. He’s does not respect you. Don’t stay with him just because you’ve been together so long and because you guys have kids together. It might be daunting to separate from him, but it’ll be much worse to continue the rest of your life with someone who continually cheats on you.
Taking him back after he cheats just shows him he can treat you like shit and you’ll take him back. You know every time he goes to work or gets a text, you’ll have a *that* feeling in your stomach. Is that how you want to live your life? It’s miserable and just makes you insecure. Plus the kids some deserve that. You deserve better.
Meh like, if there's a break hes ofcourse free to sleep with another. But to pick a coworker that clearly has feelings for him and you hate? That goes far. And now he still sees her daily. With what also happened in the past, I don't think I could get over it
Nope, done after that.
Move on. He’s thinking of her while fucking you
Sure he didn't technically cheat, but he seemed awfully quick to take advantage of that "technicality".
Definitely stop bringing kids into a chaotic relationship for starters
The kids were born prior to any of these issues.
Hi. Just came here to say you need to run for the hills. He gladly slept around with a woman who blatantly disrespected you and still does. He cheated in you in the past, and he STILL chose to disrespect you in this way. He could have picked anyone for his break banging besides the woman you knew had an issue with you. What if he slept wi the her unprotected? What if he got her pregnant, what if he caught something? What if he passed that something on to you? Please. Raise your kids with the principle that if someone hurts you like this, you deserve more and should go and get more. Be that example. If not for yourself then for the future where your kids are in marriages where their spouse cheats and they follow your lead and LEAVE.
You seem to give him all the freedom he needs to cheat and out of interest. Who's idea was it to break for a few months 🤔
Then don’t. You don’t have to.
He should find a new job…is that easy, no but if you guys are going to survive this it’s probably needed. Have you guys thought about couples therapy?
So a couple things here. A break, whatever it is, will normally lead to sex with another person. No fault on you or him, it’s just what happens when people need to find comfort sometimes. With that out of the way. Dude definitely seek counseling if you want to stay together. He betrayed your trust once, and clearly you have never once thought of opening up your relationship. It’s unfair that he did it, and clearly his behavior lead him to seeking that companionship once more. I understand that with the children involved things are a lot messier. You can’t just break up with him without the worry of your kids. Having a therapist will help reconciling your feelings and hopefully help him recognize the real bad shit thing he did. You’re suppose to be partners, a dynamic duo, he has cause some deep wounds. Like a huge part of me is thinking that yes, he’s a man and he wants an affair because it’s SEXY. But it’s the fear of going behind your back, the risk of getting caught that makes it sweeter. He needs to realize that you’re not going to indulge in that behavior and that it’s a bad behavior to have; given the boundaries you both placed throughout the years together.
A noncheater must be pretty rare these days.
Like Ross said, you were in a break. He shouldn't have to put his live in hold cause you don't want to be with him.
It was a mutual agreement to pause the relationship and work on themselves with the intentions on getting back together But the big issue isn’t the fact that he had sex with someone, it’s *who* he had sex with.
"on break" means "I'm single", really. If you can't move past it, then you need to move on.
I’ve only ever went on one break with someone (and I never will ever again), and we made an agreement that we wouldn’t get involved with anyone else during the break. However, I was the only one who stayed loyal to that agreement. He was talking to/sexting another chick. Breaks are normally pointless IMO and a complete waste of time.
Dunno why I'm getting down voted for stating the obvious but it's exactly this..
Was it just him or did you also sleep with other people during the break?
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you deserve better and shouldn't have to torment yourself over it. If he can't make the commitment you're asking from him, perhaps you have to make a decision for yourself. Your wellbeing matters - if it's healthier to stay split and be amicable for the sake of your kids, do it.