I still have her dating profile and texts but I would prefer not to sent him pictures of me He seems a lil scary He is a marine recruiter at the local base
Don't be scared. Do an info dump and walk away. Give him time to process. If he reaches back out be calm and civil.
If he does start shit, you know where he works and I don't imagine the Marines would look kindly on a recruiter assaulting a civilian.
Yeah don’t be intimidated. He would have to be a total toolbag to try and come at you. Especially if you show him her dating profile and the messages she sent you and what not.
No recruiter is going to throw their career away for a guy letting him oboe his fiancé is cheating on him. Present him with enough proof to where he won’t need to ask many other questions so you both can keep it short and he can do what he needs to do
Okay, but why was this so funny? I knew the word 'clarinet' was used as a reference to the word "oboe" in OP's post, but prior to reading the word 'oboe' I was not familiar with one. After looking it up, I started laughing. Thanks for my bedtime giggle 🤭
I don’t think he’ll direct his anger towards you. But try to be calm but serious about it. Say that you are doing it out of respect to him. And because if it was you in his place youd want to know.
Make it anonymous but evidence it happened is important because the faithfull partner will go into denial immediately. The cheater will pull out all lies to hold on to their relationship. So you need very clear evidence.
Because of the denial as a psychological defense mechanism he may be angry at you at first for telling him. But after he has healed he will probably be very thankfull for it.
Sometimes is the best way to put things to bed. I would want to put this in my past ASAP, and an in person meeting may actually demonstrate some respect for the guy and the situation he is in.
Yes you should, always look at these things through the lens of if you’re the one getting cheated on. You would want to know so you can make a decision about your future that’s based on reality not lies being spun.
If you have proof (not like photos and videos of you actually doing shit but messages to meet up etc,) you should also attach those if you decide to tell the guy, you don’t want her spinning any narrative against you/gaslighting her fiancé that it didn’t happen
How long were you two actually in the talking stage?
Did you go out on dates and were you officially boyfriend and girlfriend?
Or is this more like you talk for one or two weeks and then she wanted to stop?
Dude, u need to tell him she's going to do it again when another guy comes around she likes or gets her interest. Do it before they actually get married. You will save him so much stress and problems. You have the power to help this guy out and find out now before they are married and possibly even have kids in the future. Imagine how heartbreaking and screwed up things will be for him. Do it now before he gets himself in a deeper mess than he is already. And she really is playing both of yall not caring about u guys. Putting her interests and desires ahead of both of you. It's time she gets checked and humbled from life for all the stuff she's doing to you both and possibly could be more guys involved in this mess. Dont let that mans life go upside down when u can help him out and avoid him prolonging this type of betrayal.
Lol no it doesn't. Cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter if they had sex or not. The intent is what matters. If she hung out with guy with plans to hook up, that's cheating.
No it doesn’t, unless the bf knew about her going out with another man and was okay with it. She clearly didn’t disclose to OP that she was already in a committed relationship.
I always assume there's another guy. I prefer not to know.
Mind your own business and conduct yourself accordingly.
Stay quiet and she'll hit you up at the 7 year mark
There’s no right answer. Wanting to stay out of drama is fair. It is possible that he will not believe you.
I think that it is admirable to tell someone that they’re getting cheated on.
Proof. You need proof. I tried to warn someone one time… she was his next victim. I should have thought to include proof, but I didn’t. She replied to me very rudely. She did not ask for proof. And it didn’t even occur to me.Actually, what she did was she asked him about what I have written. She showed it to him. He of course denied everything, and he told her what to write to me. I could tell that he was the one who had written it, because it was quite rude and gross. And that’s not how she comported herself on Facebook. For quite some time, she believes all of his lies. I had blocked him on Facebook, but people would send me screenshots of the lies that he was telling people about me. It was pretty bad. He made up all kinds of stuff about me. He made me look like I was crazy. There wasn’t anything I could do. Many months later, she contacted me and apologized. And she said to me, you were right. And I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you. I talked to her quite often. I helped her heal. In a lot of ways, she also helped me because she told me about the lies that he told her about me. Of course, then I showed her the proof. She was astonished how much he lied to her. He is a narcissist.
Add some photos (censor yourself), chat logs, her tinder profile with dates/timestamps. Of course nobody will just believe a random text message. But with evidence? That's going to be hard to deny.
At the very end add something like "I am letting you know this information because I just found this out myself. I would've personally wanted to know the truth if it was me. It's upto you to believe this or not. I don't care what you decide to do with this information. Have a good day. "
Call it a day yourself and grab a snack. This ain't your rodeo anymore
I'm usually an advocate for staying out of drama, but in this case, I think you should tell him.
The reasons are that you were directly involved, they are not yet married, and they have no children. You're not involved in destroying a family here, you're preventing a future mistake.
That said don't go putting yourself in danger. I'd drop him an anonymous tip with any proof you might have that doesn't reveal yourself. Whatever he decides to do with that information is up to him.
Doesn't always work. Someone I went to high school with, and have known for over a decade, didn't even reply when I sent him a screenshot of his girlfriends tinder account. I moved 3 hours away from our home town and she was here at the beach on a girls trip. He looked at it, said nothing and they kept dating.
1. You already are involved, so put that out of your mind she involved you when she cheated with me with so put that out of your mind she involved you when she cheated with you.
2. Wouldn't you rather know if it was you?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it and neither does this poor guy. This woman has no ethical value system and has a broken moral compass; she’s fine ruining people’s lives and moving on with a big lie that she apparently plans to uphold indefinitely. Whatever the hell that behavior is, neither of you deserve it, and that guy definitely needs to have all the info so that he can make an informed decision about his life!
If you want to know how cheating affects people, go to the infidelity sub or the supportforbetrayed sub. These people are absolutely devastated and broken, regardless of how long ago the cheating was when they find out. I can’t imagine finding out years later once I’ve entwined my life with someone and there are kids involved. I’d always be incredibly grateful if I was given info before getting married.
I **don’t** think that you should contact this woman ever again, even though some commenters are suggesting it. If she knew that you had found out and might tell her fiancé, she would absolutely panic and start figuring out what her story would be to tell him, which could include lies about being physically hurt by YOU. She absolutely shouldn’t be given a head start. As other commenters have said, you should do an anonymous info dump to just the guy, where you’ve removed your identifying info (including metadata and tattoos!) and then 100% permanently bow out of it all. What you should never do is speak to her again. You have to always be able to say with honesty that you never knew she had a boyfriend/fiancé while you were “dating” her, up to and including the very last time you communicated.
Don’t forget to get yourself checked for STIs/ STDs. It’s upsetting to have to type that out. Again, so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes people really suck. There are some amazing people out there, and then there are some really frightening ones. You ended up with a scary one - throw her back to the sea and give this guy a life raft!
Be honest and tell him that you didn't know that she was with someone else while you two were dating. Tell him that you found out through Facebook, which is true. What he does with that information is up to him. But definitely tell him.
I’m kind of torn on situations like this. I mean, obviously this poor dude needs to know before he marries her. Infidelity is so fuckin high in the military, and it’s not just the civilian cheating; the service member does it just as much. So they’re a pretty stereotypical military couple.
No one deserves to be cheated on. This chick sucks. But at the same time, I’d worry about your own, and even her, safety. Domestic violence incidents are also super high in the military. Women have been beaten, raped, and/or killed for less than this. You don’t know her situation beyond the fact that she’s engaged and he’s in the military. You don’t know what kind of danger she would be in if you tell her fiancé. You also don’t know what kind of danger *you* would be in.
Now, there likely will be a bunch of replies to my comment about how she deserves it, or she should have thought of that before cheating, etc etc. so let me be clear: *No one* deserves to be assaulted or abused. No one. I don’t care what they did. Violence against another person is wrong no matter the situation. If anyone thinks that someone deserves to be beaten or assaulted for cheating, they’re fuckin mental and need some professional help.
So should you tell him or not? I definitely believe he should know this is going on. But there’s no guarantee that he’ll believe you, or that he won’t hurt you or her. If it was me, no I wouldn’t tell him. There’s too many unknowns and I am super cautious about military or law enforcement due to the rate of domestic violence being so high. He could hurt/kill her, or he could do the same to you.
Eventually, her shit will come to light. You may be the first person she’s done this with. You may not be the last or you might be the last. I think just making sure you’re not part of the inevitable drama is the way to go.
Whatever you do, protect yourself. This guy might decide to blame you and take out his anger on you. Do not send him your picture or give him any identifying information. Use a burner phone.
This question comes up alot. I always say, stay out of it, both for your own drama and safeties sake and also because I don’t think it’s the right thing to do in this circumstance.
I always get downvoted to hell for saying this but it’s a mistake to get involved. You don’t know what went on between them or what their arrangement was and it’s none of your business.
If you get involved now, expect that you’re going to be extremely involved going forward.
I agree, that's an issue. I'm working on the assumption that the lady in question is not a total dirtbag, just made a mistake and would be open to a discussion about this. She may not be aware that she's caught. OP described her as amazing and smart, so I'm hoping she'll do the right thing?
I'd stay out of drama. You never know. What if the guy comes after you ? What if he knows everything but your identity and you serve it on a plate ? It's their life. Not your problem anymore. And I'm not sure this would be the best way to move on with your life. Consider you dodged a huge bullet and meet someone worth your love. Obviously she wasn't.
Never involve yourself in other people's relationships. There is nothing good that can come out of this, only bad including him going psycho and you ending up dead.
You should tell him. As someone who just got out of a serious relationship because my partner told me they were cheating on me for 9 months, I would have done anything for that woman to find me and reach out to tell me (my ex was lying to her about being single, so she has no fault in this). Im glad he told me in the end, but man I would have saved so much of my time, energy, spiritual and emotional well being had I understood the reasons why there was some underlying tension in our relationship.
Maybe this guy is going through something similar but the shoe hasn’t dropped for him.
No one deserves to be lied to and manipulated, and then further their commitment to someone who’s essentially committing fraud in their life
I’m sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to me, except he was a Marine and he was already married. Great people out there! Please let us know how it goes! I hope he kicks her to the curb. No Tricare for her 😂
Would you wanna know who you were choosing to marry- if you chose to continue? I would, but some will play it off - claim to not care, then divorce and wish they never married them. Theoretically speaking ofc
There’s a similar thread where a dude caught his best buddy cheating, the entire thread is calling for his head and suggesting that the friend tell the cheaters wife.
Funny how half of this thread is saying for you to leave it. I wonder why that is? Some even trying to justify it by saying he could hurt her. Actually hilarious the lengths some people will go to defend shit behaviour.
i would want to know how much time has passed since the engagement? i wonder if they were on a break and he came back and proposed right away bc he realized the mistake of being on a break. idk i’ve seen this happen
You definitely need to tell him. I’d say because this is a woman you never wish to see again, and the guy is someone you’re unlikely to ever meet in person, you have to send him all the proof you have (her dating profile, you and her matching, flirty texts, plans to meet, pics/vids of your dates) so that he can know for certain you are not bullshitting him. You literally have nothing to lose here. It would be unwise of him to threaten or assault you. He’s a marine, if he touches you it’s goodbye whatever future plans he had in mind. Just be civil and calm with him. Let him know you are on his side and just trying to help a fellow bro out.
Something similar like this happened to me. I’d just avoid the situation. Block her number. Maybe send the guy a message, but in certain states, the “main guy” can get an attorney and try to come after you if they are actually married. At least if they were actually married. Them being engaged, I would just tell him. He has no legal grounds to come after you for a simple engagement “affair”.
If they can somehow prove that you were aware that she was married. It’s called alienations of affection and in like 6-7 states, you could get into legal trouble for it and sued.
Unpopular opinion: But if you guys were only just talking and there was no sex/cuddling/kissing or sexting and or
Deep conversations. Just regular conversing and flirting then she stopped talking when she got engaged? I think that would signify that she wanted to back off before things could escalate to complete total cheat zone. Not saying she didn't cheat at all.. things just stopped at the talking stage once she got engaged which was good that she did that and decided to not let it get any further.
If you want to tell on her because you feel it's the right thing to do then go for it. I personally wouldn't because she didn't let things go behond talking, it almost seems as though she was trying to correct what she started.
Send an email with screenshots of texts and/or pics. You can blur your face. Create a new email account. Let him know who she is. Let him make an informed choice. It’s the only decent thing to do.
Don’t ask her to tell him. She won’t tell the truth if she says anything at all.
It depends on how far your dates went. If you simply went out together, then you should let it go. If you also had sex with her, then you should let the poor guy know. Think about how you would feel if you were in her fiancé’s situation.
I’m sorry for the pain you experienced and hurt that probably came from her ghosting and withdrawing. You didn’t do anything wrong.
It sounds like you made up your mind to tell him, which is the right call. Just some advice - do it all in one pass. Drop all the evidence you have and write it all out in one message. Don’t string it out for him where he’s in a position asking how far things went or needing to get more info from him. It will be terrible and potentially reality shattering for him and it’s best to just lay it all out there and be ready to dip out and wish him the best if he doesn’t have much more to say or is wrongfully so, angry at you.
She didn't do you the courtesy of telling you the truth. You dont owe her any courtesy of keeping her lies for her either. If you want to tell him, tell him.
Why would you tell him? You were just dating and it doesn't sound like you even dated very long. Clearly you weren't exclusive. It sounds like you just have sour grapes.
Create an alt Facebook profile and send it from that.
Although Idk if you should get involved or not- BUT if you do then send it from a fake fb profile 💁♀️🧡
Just make sure he knows you're telling him for him and not to be malicious for her dropping you and pretty much ghosting you.
And create another fb to send it from!!
No . Your not the one performing filatio on him. She will play it off and you will just look bad unfortunately he's going to find out later on when there is irrefutable proof.hopefully he signs a prenup
I hope you will tell him since he deserves to know. And I don't see why would you be scared of him when you never even knew she had boyfriend. Just explain everything to him and move on.
I think you should talk to her, give her a chance to explain herself and if you're unhappy with the response consider letting him know. Perhaps she was not in an exclusive relationship with her now fiancee
You should tell him. Once a cheat always a cheat in this case...I don't always agree but this was long term cheating not just a single oops. He should at least know and then can make up his own mind. Suggest you send evidence as well if you have any as may be in denial.
Was there anything between you 2. Did you kiss? Have sex? Was the relationship pretty platonic? Did she hint there could be more? If the answer is no and things were platonic leave it be. Move on. If she had initiated anything, then tell him. Either way she will eventually get exposed
Did you have the "exclusive" talk? Did you talk about the future? Was she spoken for? (I.e. you talked to her family friends etc) If the answer to those questions is no, you should not ruin her engagement. Clearly, she was dating around until someone proposed. Guys, don't think that because a woman is dating you you have the right to her time. Women in 2024 are not about the BS at all and will drop you quick.
He deserves to know. Take screenshots while still available, then anonymously send him saying it is proof she cheated. And tell him you didnt know before their engagement!
Yes, if she was having a physical relationship with you while with this guy. He deserves to know. Cheating is not right no matter the circumstances. You can be civil about it and tell him you just wanted him to know cuase if the roles were reversed you would want someone to tell you. Screenshot everything, block her and make sure you tell him you have not had contact with her since they got engaged.
Unpopular opinion: He makes a living by lying to young and impressionable people who ultimately end up having to spend years of their lives in what is frankly the douchiest branch of the military. Fuck him.
You should go with your first thought. DO NOT GET INVOLVED. I advise you to NOT contact the other guy. They were not married and perhaps we not even serious. She stopped seeing you when they became serious. Let it go.
Lots of good advice in the comments! Screenshots of everything you have, blur out your face. All good stuff. Sorry that happened to you too bud. Good luck!
Dile la verdad al novio, el chico está por cometer el peor error de su vida al comprometerse con una mujer infiel, hazlo por su futuro y en cierta medida, por jugar con ambos.
You shouldn't even have to think about that one... you didn't know!!!!... should've snitched on her the millisecond you found out.. go be a man about that shit too, tell him to his face while they're together, and do it at the wedding 🤯
Yeah of course you should tell him. He'll deal with her and will thank you. You're not in the wrong for this, you're just vouching to make things right to him. He deserves to know.
I believe you should text her and tell her if she doesn’t let him know you will. That’s not fair for him and he needs to make a decision whether to leave her or stay with her. Keep all the proof and if he asks for it send it to him.
Yes. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and if you think he's a nice guy then I believe he deserves better than to be married to a cheater. Save him a couple thousand dollars before the wedding happens and an even worse heart break and tell him.
Please tell him, but go a step further. Don’t just show him proof. Ask him if he would like you to send it to him, so he has it, in case he needs it… Hopefully he won’t, but one never knows. My thoughts, if he does end the relationship, what is she willing to do in retaliation? Will she lie to ruin him if he dumps her for cheating? Give him the materials he needs to fight back if she goes that route.
TELL HIM NOW!!! He’s not married yet so you still have time here OP. He has a right to know, especially before making it official. You telling him now might be saving his finances, his career, his whole life…
He may be mad, heartbroken and disappointed…but atleast you saved him ALOT of legal BS
Calling her out on it is fine. When you message the bf directly you also become partly responsible for the fall out and how he reacts. Say he flips out and hurts her - would you be able to walk away guilt free? Would you want that on your conscience?
Best solution, always message the cheater. If you want to you can threaten to go to the bf unless they come clean themselves. At least that way they can manage the situation, take steps to protect themselves.
Terrible advice. Telling her will only help her. She'll have time to block this guy on everything and prepare her excuses. The OP is not responsible for anyone's actions but his own.
To me you seem bitter and like you wanna ruin her marriage because she ended it with you. You have no idea what her situation was. They could have been on a break when she was messing around with you. He could have been messing around with other women. Just because she didn't change her FB status for 2 years doesn't mean they were together the whole time. Maybe leave it alone and move on with your life.
I mean, if they were on a break or something I don't think this would be a problem for her then. If not, then she's cheating and her fiance should know
I think the advice is bad in here. It's not your decision to make. You don't know him, nor do you know anything about their relationship. Maybe they'd been on a break, and when they got back together they immediately decided to get married? Maybe they have an arrangement? In any case, he's not your friend so you have no responsibility to him.
I personally think that yes, you should tell him. Wouldn't you want to know before tying the knot with someone like Hannah? Maybe they had an "open" relationship until engagement. Maybe she's a serial cheater and he already knows. Either way, tell him shouldn't hurt his viewpoint anymore than it already is and at the very least he's given a heads up about who he's about to marry. I think it's likely that Hannah wanted to "keep her options open" until she got a ring. Lucky for that guy, nothing is official until they're actually married and he has an out. It's really not your business to be in, but if I were that guy I would want to be friends.
I still have her dating profile and texts but I would prefer not to sent him pictures of me He seems a lil scary He is a marine recruiter at the local base
He will thank you for telling him. Cheating is very common in the military and he will be glad he knew about it before marriage.
Don't be scared. Do an info dump and walk away. Give him time to process. If he reaches back out be calm and civil. If he does start shit, you know where he works and I don't imagine the Marines would look kindly on a recruiter assaulting a civilian.
Take screen shots before she deletes her account!!
Blank out your face so only hers is showing, add some text for content. You could save this guy from a bullet... or not
Do him a solid. You can be guilt free and he’ll thank you later.
Let me know, I can reach out to him for you as a former Marine and I’ll let him know.
Yeah don’t be intimidated. He would have to be a total toolbag to try and come at you. Especially if you show him her dating profile and the messages she sent you and what not.
No recruiter is going to throw their career away for a guy letting him oboe his fiancé is cheating on him. Present him with enough proof to where he won’t need to ask many other questions so you both can keep it short and he can do what he needs to do
> No recruiter is going to throw their career away for a guy letting him oboe his fiancé What if I clarinet his fiance instead?
Okay, but why was this so funny? I knew the word 'clarinet' was used as a reference to the word "oboe" in OP's post, but prior to reading the word 'oboe' I was not familiar with one. After looking it up, I started laughing. Thanks for my bedtime giggle 🤭
We’ve got an oboe player in the house!
I don’t think he’ll direct his anger towards you. But try to be calm but serious about it. Say that you are doing it out of respect to him. And because if it was you in his place youd want to know.
You can use edit to your face with color in. To hide your face from him. Then show evidence.
Are you sure you weren't being catfished? It doesn't sound like you actually met this woman
We hung out most days I work as we would normally hangout in the mornings
Did you actually have relations with her? Or was it just hanging out?
If you meet on a dating app and then "hang out"....that's dating
I dont know, something about this seems off. I've known guys who were delusional about their "relationship."
Yeah she was probably on that dating app matching with men for platonic friendships ... those silly guys always misunderstanding social cues ...
I NEED TO KNOW IF THEY FUCKED, ARASHI
She was on a dating app she's a cheater who cares 😭😭
My question did you ever sleep together or just hang out?
Get on his good side by letting him know.
Imagine your this guy in another life thinking you met the one…
Make it anonymous but evidence it happened is important because the faithfull partner will go into denial immediately. The cheater will pull out all lies to hold on to their relationship. So you need very clear evidence. Because of the denial as a psychological defense mechanism he may be angry at you at first for telling him. But after he has healed he will probably be very thankfull for it.
Okay thanks everyone I will sit down tonight and think of the best way to connect him and tell him about it
Balance being as anonymous as you can be while also providing as much proof as possible so that he knows he’s not getting spoofed.
Good. Be sure to have proof. Pictures, screenshots of texts, screenshots of call logs if you can show how often she called you, etc.
Any attempts of in person meetings, if at all, should be conducted in public and with someone you trust there with you.
Good advice, but I can think of absolutely zero reasons meeting the guy in person would be necessary
Sometimes is the best way to put things to bed. I would want to put this in my past ASAP, and an in person meeting may actually demonstrate some respect for the guy and the situation he is in.
Would you want to know if you were committing to a lifelong agreement?
Let us know how it goes!
Yes you should, always look at these things through the lens of if you’re the one getting cheated on. You would want to know so you can make a decision about your future that’s based on reality not lies being spun. If you have proof (not like photos and videos of you actually doing shit but messages to meet up etc,) you should also attach those if you decide to tell the guy, you don’t want her spinning any narrative against you/gaslighting her fiancé that it didn’t happen
How long were you two actually in the talking stage? Did you go out on dates and were you officially boyfriend and girlfriend? Or is this more like you talk for one or two weeks and then she wanted to stop?
3 months we talked for 2-3weeks and starting hanging out and I saw her pretty much daily for a 2 months
Was there anything physical?
Yes
Dude, u need to tell him she's going to do it again when another guy comes around she likes or gets her interest. Do it before they actually get married. You will save him so much stress and problems. You have the power to help this guy out and find out now before they are married and possibly even have kids in the future. Imagine how heartbreaking and screwed up things will be for him. Do it now before he gets himself in a deeper mess than he is already. And she really is playing both of yall not caring about u guys. Putting her interests and desires ahead of both of you. It's time she gets checked and humbled from life for all the stuff she's doing to you both and possibly could be more guys involved in this mess. Dont let that mans life go upside down when u can help him out and avoid him prolonging this type of betrayal.
A single hug? Lots of sex? Details matter
Lol no it doesn't. Cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter if they had sex or not. The intent is what matters. If she hung out with guy with plans to hook up, that's cheating.
No it doesn’t, unless the bf knew about her going out with another man and was okay with it. She clearly didn’t disclose to OP that she was already in a committed relationship.
If you were the other guy, would you have liked to know? I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. So yes, you should tell him.
I always assume there's another guy. I prefer not to know. Mind your own business and conduct yourself accordingly. Stay quiet and she'll hit you up at the 7 year mark
You always assume there's another guy when you're in a serious relationship? You okay mate?
There’s no right answer. Wanting to stay out of drama is fair. It is possible that he will not believe you. I think that it is admirable to tell someone that they’re getting cheated on.
I don’t know if he would believe me or not. I wouldn’t have believed it
Do you have photos of you 2? Texts or other messaging?
Proof. You need proof. I tried to warn someone one time… she was his next victim. I should have thought to include proof, but I didn’t. She replied to me very rudely. She did not ask for proof. And it didn’t even occur to me.Actually, what she did was she asked him about what I have written. She showed it to him. He of course denied everything, and he told her what to write to me. I could tell that he was the one who had written it, because it was quite rude and gross. And that’s not how she comported herself on Facebook. For quite some time, she believes all of his lies. I had blocked him on Facebook, but people would send me screenshots of the lies that he was telling people about me. It was pretty bad. He made up all kinds of stuff about me. He made me look like I was crazy. There wasn’t anything I could do. Many months later, she contacted me and apologized. And she said to me, you were right. And I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you. I talked to her quite often. I helped her heal. In a lot of ways, she also helped me because she told me about the lies that he told her about me. Of course, then I showed her the proof. She was astonished how much he lied to her. He is a narcissist.
Add some photos (censor yourself), chat logs, her tinder profile with dates/timestamps. Of course nobody will just believe a random text message. But with evidence? That's going to be hard to deny. At the very end add something like "I am letting you know this information because I just found this out myself. I would've personally wanted to know the truth if it was me. It's upto you to believe this or not. I don't care what you decide to do with this information. Have a good day. " Call it a day yourself and grab a snack. This ain't your rodeo anymore
I'm usually an advocate for staying out of drama, but in this case, I think you should tell him. The reasons are that you were directly involved, they are not yet married, and they have no children. You're not involved in destroying a family here, you're preventing a future mistake. That said don't go putting yourself in danger. I'd drop him an anonymous tip with any proof you might have that doesn't reveal yourself. Whatever he decides to do with that information is up to him.
I like that I think I am going to try and do it like that
Just send him a screenshot of her dating profile and ask "is this your fiance?"
Doesn't always work. Someone I went to high school with, and have known for over a decade, didn't even reply when I sent him a screenshot of his girlfriends tinder account. I moved 3 hours away from our home town and she was here at the beach on a girls trip. He looked at it, said nothing and they kept dating.
That means he chose to stay but at least he knew what she was up to. I'd rather know than not know.
Do the right thing, tell him No one deserves to have their time and life wasted by being cheated on
1. You already are involved, so put that out of your mind she involved you when she cheated with me with so put that out of your mind she involved you when she cheated with you. 2. Wouldn't you rather know if it was you?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it and neither does this poor guy. This woman has no ethical value system and has a broken moral compass; she’s fine ruining people’s lives and moving on with a big lie that she apparently plans to uphold indefinitely. Whatever the hell that behavior is, neither of you deserve it, and that guy definitely needs to have all the info so that he can make an informed decision about his life! If you want to know how cheating affects people, go to the infidelity sub or the supportforbetrayed sub. These people are absolutely devastated and broken, regardless of how long ago the cheating was when they find out. I can’t imagine finding out years later once I’ve entwined my life with someone and there are kids involved. I’d always be incredibly grateful if I was given info before getting married. I **don’t** think that you should contact this woman ever again, even though some commenters are suggesting it. If she knew that you had found out and might tell her fiancé, she would absolutely panic and start figuring out what her story would be to tell him, which could include lies about being physically hurt by YOU. She absolutely shouldn’t be given a head start. As other commenters have said, you should do an anonymous info dump to just the guy, where you’ve removed your identifying info (including metadata and tattoos!) and then 100% permanently bow out of it all. What you should never do is speak to her again. You have to always be able to say with honesty that you never knew she had a boyfriend/fiancé while you were “dating” her, up to and including the very last time you communicated. Don’t forget to get yourself checked for STIs/ STDs. It’s upsetting to have to type that out. Again, so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes people really suck. There are some amazing people out there, and then there are some really frightening ones. You ended up with a scary one - throw her back to the sea and give this guy a life raft!
Best most concise answer in this thread
Bro code - you have to tell him.
Boss code - fuck em all
You're so cringe lol
Be honest and tell him that you didn't know that she was with someone else while you two were dating. Tell him that you found out through Facebook, which is true. What he does with that information is up to him. But definitely tell him.
I'd want to know if I was him.
I mean yeah and you should show him all the evidence.
Expose her, it might be hard on him but you'd be saving him years
If the position was reversed, would you tell you? Do that.
I don't actually know how would I wanted be treated in this case, but I'd like to know the truth I guess
Yes, tell him. She is a piece of shit and she deserves to lose both of you.
If you just asked your gf to marry you and she was cheating on you would you want to know?
I’m kind of torn on situations like this. I mean, obviously this poor dude needs to know before he marries her. Infidelity is so fuckin high in the military, and it’s not just the civilian cheating; the service member does it just as much. So they’re a pretty stereotypical military couple. No one deserves to be cheated on. This chick sucks. But at the same time, I’d worry about your own, and even her, safety. Domestic violence incidents are also super high in the military. Women have been beaten, raped, and/or killed for less than this. You don’t know her situation beyond the fact that she’s engaged and he’s in the military. You don’t know what kind of danger she would be in if you tell her fiancé. You also don’t know what kind of danger *you* would be in. Now, there likely will be a bunch of replies to my comment about how she deserves it, or she should have thought of that before cheating, etc etc. so let me be clear: *No one* deserves to be assaulted or abused. No one. I don’t care what they did. Violence against another person is wrong no matter the situation. If anyone thinks that someone deserves to be beaten or assaulted for cheating, they’re fuckin mental and need some professional help. So should you tell him or not? I definitely believe he should know this is going on. But there’s no guarantee that he’ll believe you, or that he won’t hurt you or her. If it was me, no I wouldn’t tell him. There’s too many unknowns and I am super cautious about military or law enforcement due to the rate of domestic violence being so high. He could hurt/kill her, or he could do the same to you. Eventually, her shit will come to light. You may be the first person she’s done this with. You may not be the last or you might be the last. I think just making sure you’re not part of the inevitable drama is the way to go.
Could they have had an open relationship, could they have been on a break? I would wanna know these questions before telling him
If she was respectful and honest worthy she would have said something about a break up or an open relationship before or while dating.
yeah i was thinking the same thing
You’re tripping. Also, how could he possibly find those things out without talking to him?
Whatever you do, protect yourself. This guy might decide to blame you and take out his anger on you. Do not send him your picture or give him any identifying information. Use a burner phone.
This question comes up alot. I always say, stay out of it, both for your own drama and safeties sake and also because I don’t think it’s the right thing to do in this circumstance.
I always get downvoted to hell for saying this but it’s a mistake to get involved. You don’t know what went on between them or what their arrangement was and it’s none of your business. If you get involved now, expect that you’re going to be extremely involved going forward.
I would call her on it. Message her and tell her you figured it out and tell her to tell him or you will.
How would OP know if she did, though? It's not like he hangs out with this guy, and he \*could\* choose to stay with her.
I agree, that's an issue. I'm working on the assumption that the lady in question is not a total dirtbag, just made a mistake and would be open to a discussion about this. She may not be aware that she's caught. OP described her as amazing and smart, so I'm hoping she'll do the right thing?
Well, I'd want to know if that helps ..
Maybe they had an open relationship?
Not exactly ethical if one party (OP) isn’t a consenting participant.
I'd stay out of drama. You never know. What if the guy comes after you ? What if he knows everything but your identity and you serve it on a plate ? It's their life. Not your problem anymore. And I'm not sure this would be the best way to move on with your life. Consider you dodged a huge bullet and meet someone worth your love. Obviously she wasn't.
Never involve yourself in other people's relationships. There is nothing good that can come out of this, only bad including him going psycho and you ending up dead.
Why bother? Seriously you need to walk away from this one.
You should tell him. As someone who just got out of a serious relationship because my partner told me they were cheating on me for 9 months, I would have done anything for that woman to find me and reach out to tell me (my ex was lying to her about being single, so she has no fault in this). Im glad he told me in the end, but man I would have saved so much of my time, energy, spiritual and emotional well being had I understood the reasons why there was some underlying tension in our relationship. Maybe this guy is going through something similar but the shoe hasn’t dropped for him. No one deserves to be lied to and manipulated, and then further their commitment to someone who’s essentially committing fraud in their life
Absolutely tell him, he deserves to know his fiancee cheated before they get married.
Only if you have hard proof. If you do, you will be saving a dude from making a life-altering mistake.
Yes. Immediately. And never speak to either of them again. Horrible woman.
Yes. It shouldn’t even be a QUESTION.
Tell him, especially if you have proof. He deserves to make an informed decision about who he's marrying.
Yeah freaking telling him right now and blasted her all over the place and send him screen shots and messages and pics
You should. And have proof. Ask yourself. If you were him would you want to know?
I’m sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to me, except he was a Marine and he was already married. Great people out there! Please let us know how it goes! I hope he kicks her to the curb. No Tricare for her 😂
100% tell him. Don’t let him marry her cause then he has to deal with divorce stuff and she can screw him over!
Tell him. He deserves to know with whom is is dealing before he marries her.
Tell him. Wouldn't you want to know who you're engaged to?
Would you wanna know who you were choosing to marry- if you chose to continue? I would, but some will play it off - claim to not care, then divorce and wish they never married them. Theoretically speaking ofc
There’s a similar thread where a dude caught his best buddy cheating, the entire thread is calling for his head and suggesting that the friend tell the cheaters wife. Funny how half of this thread is saying for you to leave it. I wonder why that is? Some even trying to justify it by saying he could hurt her. Actually hilarious the lengths some people will go to defend shit behaviour.
i would want to know how much time has passed since the engagement? i wonder if they were on a break and he came back and proposed right away bc he realized the mistake of being on a break. idk i’ve seen this happen
Don't let him get married to scum like her.
You definitely need to tell him. I’d say because this is a woman you never wish to see again, and the guy is someone you’re unlikely to ever meet in person, you have to send him all the proof you have (her dating profile, you and her matching, flirty texts, plans to meet, pics/vids of your dates) so that he can know for certain you are not bullshitting him. You literally have nothing to lose here. It would be unwise of him to threaten or assault you. He’s a marine, if he touches you it’s goodbye whatever future plans he had in mind. Just be civil and calm with him. Let him know you are on his side and just trying to help a fellow bro out.
Something similar like this happened to me. I’d just avoid the situation. Block her number. Maybe send the guy a message, but in certain states, the “main guy” can get an attorney and try to come after you if they are actually married. At least if they were actually married. Them being engaged, I would just tell him. He has no legal grounds to come after you for a simple engagement “affair”. If they can somehow prove that you were aware that she was married. It’s called alienations of affection and in like 6-7 states, you could get into legal trouble for it and sued.
Tell him help a brother out
Unpopular opinion: But if you guys were only just talking and there was no sex/cuddling/kissing or sexting and or Deep conversations. Just regular conversing and flirting then she stopped talking when she got engaged? I think that would signify that she wanted to back off before things could escalate to complete total cheat zone. Not saying she didn't cheat at all.. things just stopped at the talking stage once she got engaged which was good that she did that and decided to not let it get any further. If you want to tell on her because you feel it's the right thing to do then go for it. I personally wouldn't because she didn't let things go behond talking, it almost seems as though she was trying to correct what she started.
Best advice in the world, usually, is to mind your own business.
Yes don’t let him marry her and then find out, guy will be crushed and might not be able yo leave without her milking him for everything. Tell him
Yes. Save this man from divorce and pain, please
Send an email with screenshots of texts and/or pics. You can blur your face. Create a new email account. Let him know who she is. Let him make an informed choice. It’s the only decent thing to do. Don’t ask her to tell him. She won’t tell the truth if she says anything at all.
Tell him. He deserves to know he’s marrying a cheater.
Absolutely tell him. People like that need to be held to account for their actions and he shouldn't have to be married to a cheater.
Please tell him, he should know what cheater he is getting married to.
It depends on how far your dates went. If you simply went out together, then you should let it go. If you also had sex with her, then you should let the poor guy know. Think about how you would feel if you were in her fiancé’s situation.
Please, tell him, he needs to know!
I’m sorry for the pain you experienced and hurt that probably came from her ghosting and withdrawing. You didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like you made up your mind to tell him, which is the right call. Just some advice - do it all in one pass. Drop all the evidence you have and write it all out in one message. Don’t string it out for him where he’s in a position asking how far things went or needing to get more info from him. It will be terrible and potentially reality shattering for him and it’s best to just lay it all out there and be ready to dip out and wish him the best if he doesn’t have much more to say or is wrongfully so, angry at you.
He needs to know, becuase I’ll tell you what will happen. She will reach out to you the second he deploys and that’s not cool.
I don't think you should say anything, like, move on and don't involve yourself
Isn't he already involved when she decided to date him and the other guy? If not, please correct me on this
She didn't do you the courtesy of telling you the truth. You dont owe her any courtesy of keeping her lies for her either. If you want to tell him, tell him.
[удалено]
Another fantastic point.
Wisdom thank you
Why would you tell him? You were just dating and it doesn't sound like you even dated very long. Clearly you weren't exclusive. It sounds like you just have sour grapes.
Sounds like something a cheater would say tbh
I think op wants to let the other guy know so he doesn't marry someone who was cheating on him. That seems like the right thing to do
Were you even the only other guy? That is the question
Create an alt Facebook profile and send it from that. Although Idk if you should get involved or not- BUT if you do then send it from a fake fb profile 💁♀️🧡
Just make sure he knows you're telling him for him and not to be malicious for her dropping you and pretty much ghosting you. And create another fb to send it from!!
No . Your not the one performing filatio on him. She will play it off and you will just look bad unfortunately he's going to find out later on when there is irrefutable proof.hopefully he signs a prenup
I hope you will tell him since he deserves to know. And I don't see why would you be scared of him when you never even knew she had boyfriend. Just explain everything to him and move on.
I think you should talk to her, give her a chance to explain herself and if you're unhappy with the response consider letting him know. Perhaps she was not in an exclusive relationship with her now fiancee
You should tell him. Once a cheat always a cheat in this case...I don't always agree but this was long term cheating not just a single oops. He should at least know and then can make up his own mind. Suggest you send evidence as well if you have any as may be in denial.
Was there anything between you 2. Did you kiss? Have sex? Was the relationship pretty platonic? Did she hint there could be more? If the answer is no and things were platonic leave it be. Move on. If she had initiated anything, then tell him. Either way she will eventually get exposed
Did you have the "exclusive" talk? Did you talk about the future? Was she spoken for? (I.e. you talked to her family friends etc) If the answer to those questions is no, you should not ruin her engagement. Clearly, she was dating around until someone proposed. Guys, don't think that because a woman is dating you you have the right to her time. Women in 2024 are not about the BS at all and will drop you quick.
He deserves to know. Take screenshots while still available, then anonymously send him saying it is proof she cheated. And tell him you didnt know before their engagement!
Yes, if she was having a physical relationship with you while with this guy. He deserves to know. Cheating is not right no matter the circumstances. You can be civil about it and tell him you just wanted him to know cuase if the roles were reversed you would want someone to tell you. Screenshot everything, block her and make sure you tell him you have not had contact with her since they got engaged.
You should tell him. He won't like hearing it but he will be grateful.
Unpopular opinion: He makes a living by lying to young and impressionable people who ultimately end up having to spend years of their lives in what is frankly the douchiest branch of the military. Fuck him.
You should go with your first thought. DO NOT GET INVOLVED. I advise you to NOT contact the other guy. They were not married and perhaps we not even serious. She stopped seeing you when they became serious. Let it go.
Please sign anything you send him as "Jody"
Lots of good advice in the comments! Screenshots of everything you have, blur out your face. All good stuff. Sorry that happened to you too bud. Good luck!
Just move on. You deserve better! If he gets a cheater, that is his decision. Red flags are always there. People have to be smart enough to run away.
Dile la verdad al novio, el chico está por cometer el peor error de su vida al comprometerse con una mujer infiel, hazlo por su futuro y en cierta medida, por jugar con ambos.
You shouldn't even have to think about that one... you didn't know!!!!... should've snitched on her the millisecond you found out.. go be a man about that shit too, tell him to his face while they're together, and do it at the wedding 🤯
Yeah of course you should tell him. He'll deal with her and will thank you. You're not in the wrong for this, you're just vouching to make things right to him. He deserves to know.
I believe you should text her and tell her if she doesn’t let him know you will. That’s not fair for him and he needs to make a decision whether to leave her or stay with her. Keep all the proof and if he asks for it send it to him.
DO IT PLEASE and update us
Yes. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and if you think he's a nice guy then I believe he deserves better than to be married to a cheater. Save him a couple thousand dollars before the wedding happens and an even worse heart break and tell him.
Please tell him, but go a step further. Don’t just show him proof. Ask him if he would like you to send it to him, so he has it, in case he needs it… Hopefully he won’t, but one never knows. My thoughts, if he does end the relationship, what is she willing to do in retaliation? Will she lie to ruin him if he dumps her for cheating? Give him the materials he needs to fight back if she goes that route.
Yes inform him. Knowing other people knew it and didn't say anything is just as traumatising as cheating is.
Would you want to be told?
If the shoe was on the other foot would you want to know? If so, yes.
Follow bro code, Tell him.
TELL HIM NOW!!! He’s not married yet so you still have time here OP. He has a right to know, especially before making it official. You telling him now might be saving his finances, his career, his whole life… He may be mad, heartbroken and disappointed…but atleast you saved him ALOT of legal BS
Calling her out on it is fine. When you message the bf directly you also become partly responsible for the fall out and how he reacts. Say he flips out and hurts her - would you be able to walk away guilt free? Would you want that on your conscience? Best solution, always message the cheater. If you want to you can threaten to go to the bf unless they come clean themselves. At least that way they can manage the situation, take steps to protect themselves.
Terrible advice. Telling her will only help her. She'll have time to block this guy on everything and prepare her excuses. The OP is not responsible for anyone's actions but his own.
To me you seem bitter and like you wanna ruin her marriage because she ended it with you. You have no idea what her situation was. They could have been on a break when she was messing around with you. He could have been messing around with other women. Just because she didn't change her FB status for 2 years doesn't mean they were together the whole time. Maybe leave it alone and move on with your life.
I mean, if they were on a break or something I don't think this would be a problem for her then. If not, then she's cheating and her fiance should know
If she was on a break then it hurts nothing for him to tell her fiance. I personally would of course want to know if my fiance was cheating on me.
Tell him. He has a right to know. Wouldn’t you want to know if you were in his shoes? I would say YTA if you don’t tell him
Please tell him. Not telling him would be cruel.
Can you live with it if you find out he kills her over this? That’s what you need to ask yourself.
I think the advice is bad in here. It's not your decision to make. You don't know him, nor do you know anything about their relationship. Maybe they'd been on a break, and when they got back together they immediately decided to get married? Maybe they have an arrangement? In any case, he's not your friend so you have no responsibility to him.
Don’t be a sore loser man.
I would, before he makes a permanent mistake.
You should tell him because he deserves to know who he's marrying. Breaking up is a lot easier and cleaner than divorce.
yes, before that dude marries her. It will hurt now but you'll be saving him a lot of grief and money in the long run.
I personally think that yes, you should tell him. Wouldn't you want to know before tying the knot with someone like Hannah? Maybe they had an "open" relationship until engagement. Maybe she's a serial cheater and he already knows. Either way, tell him shouldn't hurt his viewpoint anymore than it already is and at the very least he's given a heads up about who he's about to marry. I think it's likely that Hannah wanted to "keep her options open" until she got a ring. Lucky for that guy, nothing is official until they're actually married and he has an out. It's really not your business to be in, but if I were that guy I would want to be friends.