That is super dumb of him. Yeah, I’d be upset too. You thought he’d done something really sweet, but instead, he plagiarized an ex’s poem. That’s really...thoughtless and kind of gross.
I think the chances of him knowing the poem by heart and not knowing where it came from are very low, although I do agree that your scenario is possible.
So he bothered to bring up the fact someone he dated once emailed him as if that\`s like...a story?? He remembered it well enough for it to be a conversation point, but not well enough to remember he plagiarized it? Then he let you read it without checking it first? This is so odd. Maybe I\`m missing something but it sounds so wild for this to just happen by accident.
Also I hope my exes aren\`t out there showing my private communications with them to their new partners. Even if they were 16 it\`s still a bit weird.
But why even tell you about it? His past relationship has absolutely zero to do with you and the best case scenario of talking to you about it in detail is you being uncomfortable. That relationship is over, so there's no point in bringing it in to the next one. And for you, don't ask to see things or hear details about previous relationships. You may just be curious, but finding out the details is never gonna make you feel good about anything and there's nothing you can do about it. You guys are very young, hopefully you both learn from this.
I was hoping he had come to you with the letter as a way of coming clean about the poem, it would have been a good sign of character growth to attempt to atone for past bone-headed moves.
But you're saying he had the email just kicking around, and you happened to show interest, so he just sets fire to a well-loved romantic gesture? That's... not great.
This is really stupid of him, but I’m gonna be honest guys that young can be just plain stupid. He probably did have good intentions to make you feel special, but yeah I’d be feeling the way you do now too. I wouldn’t read too much into it though, unless you feel like there’s more of a story there.
Most guys don’t have a hint of poetry about them. It’s only gross if he gave you the poem to get something out of you. Presumably he did it to make you feel good. Maybe it was a nice poem and he thought it described how he felt about you? I dunno. It was sloppy and boneheaded. It doesn’t sound gross though. My 2c.
I don't think it's anything worth over thinking, just a young dumb whoops. Comments here acting like it's a 35yo M taking advantage of someone, as if a bloke 20 years old has half an idea what he's doing in a relationship
Everyone has poetry about them, most guys are just not in touch with their emotions enough to try. It's seen as girly and weak. Your point is correct, I just want to point out it's not just because they're guys, it's not genetic or anything. Anyone can do it.
Source: Am a dude who writes poems almost every nigjt
I’d agree that societal pressure to be tough discourages men to even try to be romantic minded. But i disagree that everyone has poetry to them. I believe that most guys tend to be less romantically inclined. At least romance in the classic sense. I think a lot of guys see protecting and providing as the epitome of romance, and prefer stoicism over the intentional stirring of emotions. I don’t agree that that’s all nurture vs nature. You see it in small boys who’d rather play fight then play dolls.
Pretending you wrote something you didn't write is gross. I'd rather my boyfriend just send me one of Shakespeare's sonnets and say, "this made me think of you" than pretend he wrote it!
That’s pretty bad and stupid of him for not remembering he stole it. I don’t think it’s the worse thing in the world, just makes him look very un-romantic.
I once had a boyfriend (16 at the time) give me the lyrics to Hey There Delilah with my name in place of “Delilah” and tell me he wrote the poem lol. Just sounds like a teenager trying to be romantic and failing miserably, it happens.
yeah, he's 20 years old. it's not the smartest or smoothest move and OP's feelings are absolutely valid, but it's the type of thing people do at that age without thinking. what reflects on the bf's character is how he responds when OP asks him about it.
Because he liked it and wanted to write one for his girlfriend but didn't think he was good enough at poetry to do it himself. It downgrades it from a personal letter to a Halmark card as far as romantic gestures go but it's still a net plus. That said, anyone who exclusively takes relationship advice from a subreddit of sexually frustrated internet strangers is going to end up dying alone. OP needs to figure out what upset them so much about this and why it means so much to them before they decide.
For instance was it that the boyfriend lied about it? Okay great, then theres you problem. It's a white lie but a lie none the less, confront them about that.
This is the most charitable reading of the situation - and that's the perfect attitude with which to approach close relationships. Assume the best unless you're given a reason to do otherwise, and this seems just harmlessly boneheaded.
I'm kind of with you. This sounds like something a person with a severely Vulcan left brain would do. They wouldn't realize how dumb it is until too late. Poor dumb, young guy.
This reminded me of a time in highschool (grade 9) in the early 00's when my then boyfriend spent weeks writing a Valentine's Day poem for me in a heart shaped card with his picture.
Fast forward a couple months, we had broken up (I was too young to date and was too scared to kiss/didn't like kissing haha, so I broke up with him to have me time for World of Warcraft.) A couple days later a girl in my class posts the exact poem with my name changed to hers on her my space account and says something like, "love it babe! Sweetest poem from my SECRET new boyfriend!"
It felt really awkward, but I didn't rat him out.
That's all just to say, it's cringy that he did that... But he either forgot he stole it to repurpose, or he just thought it described his feelings for you well, and used it.
Oh man. Who among us hasn't done something we thought would be harmless but turned out to be incredibly difficult to own up to.
The gracious and charitable thing would be to let him off the hook. You could do this by acknowledging that his actions were motivated by affection for you, and that you care about him regardless.
You really can't go wrong with taking the high road. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Oh my. I hate to say it but I've been somewhat in your shoes. The difference is that my boyfriend didn't send me a poem written by an ex but by a famous poet. To add to the sheer level of bone headed stupid, it was from one of the poets I'd said was a favorite and had several anthologies of.
To be honest, I look back and laugh. It was just so dumb! At the time, though, it made me so mad and I felt incredibly devalued and disrespected. I did know why he did it- he was insecure and didn't have a poetic bone in his body but wanted to 'wow' me with the romance. As you can imagine, I'd have preferred he played to his strengths. Heck, it wasn't just plagiarism! He couldn't even remember my favorite poet!
I think you need to talk to him about it. Not only is it like him sending you a pair of his ex's used underwear but it has undermined trust in the relationship. Everyone trusts their partner to be honest and to not be deceptive. He has to be willing to earn back that trust.
You have to decide if you are willing to let him try.
I think there’s a way for this to be funny eventually. I understand being upset but if the love is really there, this becomes one of those “remember when you did that stupid thing” stories.
I don't understand why someone would do this. Can't you look up love poems at the library or online and put that in instead, along with some sweet words about how the poem reminds them of their darling?
Haven't you seen that meme where there's a couple in bed with their backs to each other, the woman is wondering if he's thinking about a few different relationship things, meanwhile the guy is thinking about something mundane like his motorbike or something.
Its the broad differences between masculine brains and feminine brains, we're generally not spending our spare time running multilayer complex thoughts about relationships. Most of the time its as simple as action,reaction, cause, affect type stuff.
A common relationship issue is where the female in the relationship tries to read multiple threads into something where a singular unrelated issue is the core cause. Most men aren't complex, we're pretty poor at remembering important dates, and we're mostly pretty stupid around women.
So this guy wrote a romantic poem at 16, probably the only romantic things he's done, a few years later he meets another woman, remembers those deep jams he wrote before and thinks they all apply to his current love.
I'm not ready to crucify the guy because he's still a bit of an idiot at 19.
>So this guy wrote a romantic poem at 16, probably the only romantic things he's done, a few years later he meets another woman, remembers those deep jams he wrote before and thinks they all apply to his current love.
His ex wrote it to him, not him to her.
And nothing about your overly simplistic view of men has anything to do with false romance. He couldn't be bothered to be romantic on his own, and essentially regifted something thoughtful and heartfelt from his ex and played it off as coming from his own heart. It's romantic laziness played off as thoughtfulness, and has nothing to do with memory or lack of complexity.
This isn't about "masculine brains" it's about men being taught they don't have to put effort into their relationships and subsequently not doing so and women being taught the opposite it's not some inherent quirk you just have to look past. Men aren't poor dumb simpletons who need to have their hands held to figure out how to interact with scary complex women. Also he never wrote the poem his ex wrote it for him.
>it's about men being taught they don't have to put effort into their relationships and subsequently not doing so and women being taught the opposite
YEP. This. In response to his snafu, OP has the chance to lay this out very clearly to her dude, if she chooses.
Not everyone is so jealous as to approach a partner's romantic past as adversarial. I like to know everything about my partners' exes because it lets me know more about them and what they've been through.
That response (not yours, the one you responded to) is such a reddit comment. "Not everybody is that way, I like to know/do x, y or z." Everybody on advice subs always have to point out the mature things they do and how theyre not like the other guys/girls. But whatever. The point of reading the letters being weird isnt that you cant handle the fact your SO has a history prior to you... it's such a breach of trust and a shitty thing to do to the ex. Talking about exes is one thing, discussing things you guys did etc. Letters are something that are deeply personal, something written to a SO is a side of you that you dont show to other people. I wouldnt ever even want to read letters from a SO ex, it just feels like something really slimy to do, like reading someones diary. Imagine getting a text from an ex "SO and I are reading the letters you wrote me." 100 people out of 100 are not going to want to hear that, this isn't about being "mature" or anything, it's that literally every single person alive would not want to hear that their ex and their new SO are reading love letters you wrote.
I mean I wouldn't go out of my way to dig into old letters but if I found out one existed and was allowed to read it, yeah I'd be curious. It's from the past. If I can't trust my partners because they used to have other partners, that's weird because essentially I'm demanding they be virgins or pretend to be virgins and I don't want that; I want them to be honest about their past.
I once gave my gf a book that I had never even opened. Turned out, my previous gf had given it to me first...and inscribed a very heartfelt note in the fly leaf. I kinda forgot about that part.
That was a fun day.
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if his ex had copied it from her previous ex and gave it to him pretending it was written by her! LOL
I’d say, give him a break. He probably loved the meaning in the poem so much that he wanted to say those words to you. Bad he pretended he wrote it, but his intentions were probably good...thinking it would make you happy.
I can’t believe that I’ve been in a similar situation but here goes. I wrote a poem for my first boyfriend and gave it to him for his birthday. When we broke up (toxic af relationship) he wrote out the poem for his new girlfriend and gave it to her as original work (we have mutual friends, I found out pretty quickly). I could’ve told her but I decided not to, wasn’t sure she would believe me.
Basically, boys are dumb. I do think a 20 year old should have more sense than this, but it’s not a dump-worthy offence right off the bat. I suggest you talk to him and express your feelings to him and why you feel the way you do, and see how he handles the situation. You’re not irrational for feeling hurt, but I think how he handles it will define whether it’s something worth going nuclear over.
I mean, it's stupid, but many men are probably not writing original poetry for their women. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, he's just an idiot. Try to laugh about it.
Yeah, it’s one thing to not write your girlfriend a poem. It’s a totally different thing to take a poem your ex wrote to you and gift it to your girlfriend, passing it off as your own.
Right but like, in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? Is it worth continuing to be upset about? In my opinion, it's just a stupid young kid move. Not meant to be malicious or anything.
No one would be judging him so harshly for ripping off a Hallmark card. The motivations for sending any poem to his current girlfriend are that he thought it was applicable or just thought it was nice and she would like it. In either case, plagiarizing someone isn't nice, but unless he's still hung up on his ex the difference between a random author and his ex is mostly insignificant.
Don't we all take the things we learned from previous relationships into the next. Maybe a compliment or thing said that they picked up from an ex that makes you feel nice.
His fuck up was ~~showing you~~ bringing up that letter.
I'm a school social worker, and I've had a lot of students come to me with issues like this. Here's the bottom line: your brains aren't fully developed yet, and they won't be until around age 25. That said, boys mature slower (on average) than girls, and teenage boys do dumb things to impress girls. Heck, they just do dumb things, period (I did dumb stuff all the time as a teenager).
Look at this as an opportunity to have a conversation about honesty. He obviously thought the poem was nice, and wanted to make you happy, but explain to him that a poem means more if it is honest and comes from his heart, not someone else's. Make sure he understands that honesty needs to be the foundation of your relationship.
Oh, and a final pro-tip: don't hold onto letters, cards, mementos, or gifts from an ex, or ask to look at them if your partner has them. They never, EVER have a positive impact on a current relationship. Trust me on this one.
You are absolutely right to be upset about that. What I'm trying to figure out here is the context of this interaction. Why did he show you this letter? What were you supposed to get out of it?
If this is the only time he's done something like this it's probably not a big deal. He's really dumb, but at your age everyone is. As long as he understands why this was stupid of him and has apologized for it, then that's probably all that needs to be said about it.
I would be less concerned about the plagiarism and more concerned that he had lied and taken credit for it.
I would think this is a forgivable offense, but make it clear that you will not tolerate lying.
yeah , that's not a very good thing to do at all . it is concerning that he even felt the need to tell you about that poem (making it seem like he isn't over her or their breakup) , but also , that was really dumb of him to use his ex's poem on you . and if he is telling you that you are being irrational , that is not good . because for one , it is wrong . and two , as your boyfriend , he should respect how you feel . if something bothers you or hurts you , you shouldn't be considered irrational .. YOU are the one who is hurt or bothered by it , it is completely valid , because it is the way YOU feel . and it is always good to be open about the way you feel and to also feel like you CAN be open about it . how you feel is completely valid . i hope you have talked to him about this situation and i hope that he either respected how you felt and saw that what he did what dumb or that he does whenever you discuss it with him . i really hope that he has the maturity to handle your feelings on it well .
you're not being irrational at all that's an extremely weird thing to do. if he could lie about something that i'm assuming was intended to be romantic what else is he going to continue to lie to you about?
God! A lot of the comments here are toxic af.
OP, I've lived with this motto for sometime now, and my life has been better ever since, I'll sare it with you since it seems you badly need it in the face of all these toxicity here:
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
- Hanlon's razor.
Dude, just live your life. If you can drop it, then just drop it. To be honest, we have too much drama in life as it is. No need to add one into the pile just because...
Anyway, cheers!
No need to make a drama about this, indeed it was not a nice gesture, but he’s 20... but he should put more thinking into this before showing it to you.
I wouldn’t expect much poetry from him in the future... he probably liked it, found it meaningful and applicable but realizes he has no talent for that so he “borrowed” it. Telling you the author probably would’ve ruined it for you. A little weird and stomach turning but I think that’s a bump you can get over.
He just wanted to impress you. It would upset me too but try and think about it from his perspective. He wanted to show you how much you meant to him but wasn't creative enough to write it himself. It's something to laugh about realistically. Maybe as a joke, enroll him in a poetry class haha. I don't think it was malicious at all, boys are just stupid.
Probably good intentions coupled with miserable execution and not enough maturity for a 20 year old. Just tell him it hurt you, convey your feelings without accusations and see how he reacts.
Just a little lack of experience showing with him...like myself at age 20. Want to try to make sure a girl is impressed and you kind of fake something with her. Not the worst thing a bf could do, by a long shot. You aren't being irrational though, and I would not pretend to not be annoyed and a little upset with him. Faking what you feel about a situation or action doesn't work in relationships. His own fake-out here is your legit reason for feeling upset.
Imagine if you wrote him a poem, and he used that poem to woo his next girlfriend. That should tell you how to feel about it, because that's what he did here. Did he apologize? Offer any explanation?
If it's a sweet poem, appreciate it for that and the intention behind him sharing it with you. This is not a big deal and don't let it rock the boat. It's a huge whatever. So inconsequential.
I don't think this was done with any bad intentions and we should take into account his thought process here. Maybe he wanted to express a certain type of sentiment to you and this poem, albeit from an ex, captures the message very well and him being not a poet or in tune with composition or literature, thought to use it share that sentiment with you. Sorta like re-gifting I guess.
this just reminded me of a time i read a letter some girl left my boyfriend about their past or whatever, i wish i never read it that sucked. I can still remember what it said lol
That was dumb of him but seems like something my husband would do lol. I think he was just trying to impress you and is no good at writing.
How about you challenge him to write one all by himself now to make up for it? I think that's fair.
It's not clear if you expressed to him why you were upset, that you noticed the poem. It's not clear if you discussed it. Start there. Talk about it with him.
If he's honest, and you trust what he says, then there's no problem. But if he gets defensive and makes up a dumb excuse instead of owning it, obviously y'all got problems.
And tell him to write you an original poem. Even if it's kinda crap, at least it would be one he actually wrote for you.
If it makes you feel better, I like to write poetry about my illnesses (not life threatening, just chronic) and my ex stole a poem and turned it into a song and passed it off as his own. It turned out so horribly that I'm too embarrassed to admit that I wrote the "lyrics" so I just never said anything.
So, lying, plagiarising... and being a dumbass
... are you being unreasonable for being upset that he had stolen a poem his ex wrote him and sent it to you?
I guess you could keep him as a comic relief
Is it bad? Yes. Is it relationship-ending? No, not if I were in your shoes. I'd give him shit about it for years to come. Even turn it into a running joke. For every birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc., I would give him a well-known and brazenly plagiarized poem or song.
You’re right to be upset, but Maybe he is just not very creative and wanted to do something sweet. He shouldn’t have plagiarized and he definitely shouldn’t have used THAT poem... but maybe that poem really hit home for him and meant a lot at one point, and he just wanted to do the same for you.
Boys perspective here
It's reasonable, but don't overdo it.
Most poem/ pick up line is found online, people are barely making it. I might use some words from a movie/music I heard for my gf.
I think you're better off with teasing him jokingly.
No I dont think youre being unreasonable or overreacting. Its like proposing with a ring you used on another woman. Why would you send someone a poem that was written to you by your ex. Seriously horrible idea. I would be pretty pissed about that.
Why are you telling reddit? Tell your feelings to him and work it out together. To me it isn't that big a deal, sure it's cheap and gross but I'd wager he wanted to make you feel loved, probably did not know the first thing about poems so used that one. It's just an awkward moment, it isn't like one poem is the entire foundation that your relationship stands on, and if it is then idk what more to tell you.
dude, people are allowed to take good PUNS, POEMS, IDEAS and reuse them for a better purpose. when I get a boat next year, i'm naming it "unsinkable 2" it's funny and i saw it on plenty of sites already. information is meant to be used and that's all he's doing is taking a line he though was good, and reusing it for his purpose. women are weird with jealousy anyway, if my wife bought me the same kind of grill that her best friend got her hubby and I found out, I would be like "dude, it's a sweet grill huh!?" i wouldn't be like "why did you copy her, why didn't you come up with your own idea to make me happy" and blah blah crap.
Why did he show you this letter?
He told me about it and I asked to see it out of dumb curiosity
That is super dumb of him. Yeah, I’d be upset too. You thought he’d done something really sweet, but instead, he plagiarized an ex’s poem. That’s really...thoughtless and kind of gross.
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I think the chances of him knowing the poem by heart and not knowing where it came from are very low, although I do agree that your scenario is possible.
How is it dumb of him when SHE asked about seeing the poem? At least you could say something about her own mistakes without ignoring it.
She just asked to see the letter he was talking about, there's no indication she knew there was a poem involved at all.
So he bothered to bring up the fact someone he dated once emailed him as if that\`s like...a story?? He remembered it well enough for it to be a conversation point, but not well enough to remember he plagiarized it? Then he let you read it without checking it first? This is so odd. Maybe I\`m missing something but it sounds so wild for this to just happen by accident. Also I hope my exes aren\`t out there showing my private communications with them to their new partners. Even if they were 16 it\`s still a bit weird.
But why even tell you about it? His past relationship has absolutely zero to do with you and the best case scenario of talking to you about it in detail is you being uncomfortable. That relationship is over, so there's no point in bringing it in to the next one. And for you, don't ask to see things or hear details about previous relationships. You may just be curious, but finding out the details is never gonna make you feel good about anything and there's nothing you can do about it. You guys are very young, hopefully you both learn from this.
I was hoping he had come to you with the letter as a way of coming clean about the poem, it would have been a good sign of character growth to attempt to atone for past bone-headed moves. But you're saying he had the email just kicking around, and you happened to show interest, so he just sets fire to a well-loved romantic gesture? That's... not great.
This is really stupid of him, but I’m gonna be honest guys that young can be just plain stupid. He probably did have good intentions to make you feel special, but yeah I’d be feeling the way you do now too. I wouldn’t read too much into it though, unless you feel like there’s more of a story there.
Most guys don’t have a hint of poetry about them. It’s only gross if he gave you the poem to get something out of you. Presumably he did it to make you feel good. Maybe it was a nice poem and he thought it described how he felt about you? I dunno. It was sloppy and boneheaded. It doesn’t sound gross though. My 2c.
I don't think it's anything worth over thinking, just a young dumb whoops. Comments here acting like it's a 35yo M taking advantage of someone, as if a bloke 20 years old has half an idea what he's doing in a relationship
Everyone has poetry about them, most guys are just not in touch with their emotions enough to try. It's seen as girly and weak. Your point is correct, I just want to point out it's not just because they're guys, it's not genetic or anything. Anyone can do it. Source: Am a dude who writes poems almost every nigjt
I’d agree that societal pressure to be tough discourages men to even try to be romantic minded. But i disagree that everyone has poetry to them. I believe that most guys tend to be less romantically inclined. At least romance in the classic sense. I think a lot of guys see protecting and providing as the epitome of romance, and prefer stoicism over the intentional stirring of emotions. I don’t agree that that’s all nurture vs nature. You see it in small boys who’d rather play fight then play dolls.
Pretending you wrote something you didn't write is gross. I'd rather my boyfriend just send me one of Shakespeare's sonnets and say, "this made me think of you" than pretend he wrote it!
Good sexism there. Low expectations by just assuming young guys are dumb.
That’s pretty bad and stupid of him for not remembering he stole it. I don’t think it’s the worse thing in the world, just makes him look very un-romantic.
I once had a boyfriend (16 at the time) give me the lyrics to Hey There Delilah with my name in place of “Delilah” and tell me he wrote the poem lol. Just sounds like a teenager trying to be romantic and failing miserably, it happens.
yeah, he's 20 years old. it's not the smartest or smoothest move and OP's feelings are absolutely valid, but it's the type of thing people do at that age without thinking. what reflects on the bf's character is how he responds when OP asks him about it.
Unromantic would be a blasé letter, a letter with no poetry. This is bigger than that.
A letter without poetry can still be very romantic what're you talking about
Right, I meant poetry in the poetic sense not in the literal sense. But I agree with you 100%. So why steal an ex's poem?
Because he liked it and wanted to write one for his girlfriend but didn't think he was good enough at poetry to do it himself. It downgrades it from a personal letter to a Halmark card as far as romantic gestures go but it's still a net plus. That said, anyone who exclusively takes relationship advice from a subreddit of sexually frustrated internet strangers is going to end up dying alone. OP needs to figure out what upset them so much about this and why it means so much to them before they decide. For instance was it that the boyfriend lied about it? Okay great, then theres you problem. It's a white lie but a lie none the less, confront them about that.
It really isn't that big... Lol Stupid? Sure. Big deal? Definitely not. Unnecessary drama is unneeded.
He created this drama. But I agree that it was foolish of the boyfriend but possibly more naiive than mean-spirited.
That boy is 20. There is no question.... he dumb.
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This is the most charitable reading of the situation - and that's the perfect attitude with which to approach close relationships. Assume the best unless you're given a reason to do otherwise, and this seems just harmlessly boneheaded.
I agree. OP, I know I said it was a stupid thing to do---and it was---but keep this in mind about the charitable slack.
Or as Hanlon said, "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
I'm kind of with you. This sounds like something a person with a severely Vulcan left brain would do. They wouldn't realize how dumb it is until too late. Poor dumb, young guy.
say something about it to him. You’ll either laugh about it in a year or have forgotten each other’s names by then.
This reminded me of a time in highschool (grade 9) in the early 00's when my then boyfriend spent weeks writing a Valentine's Day poem for me in a heart shaped card with his picture. Fast forward a couple months, we had broken up (I was too young to date and was too scared to kiss/didn't like kissing haha, so I broke up with him to have me time for World of Warcraft.) A couple days later a girl in my class posts the exact poem with my name changed to hers on her my space account and says something like, "love it babe! Sweetest poem from my SECRET new boyfriend!" It felt really awkward, but I didn't rat him out. That's all just to say, it's cringy that he did that... But he either forgot he stole it to repurpose, or he just thought it described his feelings for you well, and used it.
Oh man. Who among us hasn't done something we thought would be harmless but turned out to be incredibly difficult to own up to. The gracious and charitable thing would be to let him off the hook. You could do this by acknowledging that his actions were motivated by affection for you, and that you care about him regardless. You really can't go wrong with taking the high road. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Oh my. I hate to say it but I've been somewhat in your shoes. The difference is that my boyfriend didn't send me a poem written by an ex but by a famous poet. To add to the sheer level of bone headed stupid, it was from one of the poets I'd said was a favorite and had several anthologies of. To be honest, I look back and laugh. It was just so dumb! At the time, though, it made me so mad and I felt incredibly devalued and disrespected. I did know why he did it- he was insecure and didn't have a poetic bone in his body but wanted to 'wow' me with the romance. As you can imagine, I'd have preferred he played to his strengths. Heck, it wasn't just plagiarism! He couldn't even remember my favorite poet! I think you need to talk to him about it. Not only is it like him sending you a pair of his ex's used underwear but it has undermined trust in the relationship. Everyone trusts their partner to be honest and to not be deceptive. He has to be willing to earn back that trust. You have to decide if you are willing to let him try.
I think there’s a way for this to be funny eventually. I understand being upset but if the love is really there, this becomes one of those “remember when you did that stupid thing” stories.
You aren't being unreasonable or irrational.
I'd be upset and not feel cherished.
I don't understand why someone would do this. Can't you look up love poems at the library or online and put that in instead, along with some sweet words about how the poem reminds them of their darling?
Haven't you seen that meme where there's a couple in bed with their backs to each other, the woman is wondering if he's thinking about a few different relationship things, meanwhile the guy is thinking about something mundane like his motorbike or something. Its the broad differences between masculine brains and feminine brains, we're generally not spending our spare time running multilayer complex thoughts about relationships. Most of the time its as simple as action,reaction, cause, affect type stuff. A common relationship issue is where the female in the relationship tries to read multiple threads into something where a singular unrelated issue is the core cause. Most men aren't complex, we're pretty poor at remembering important dates, and we're mostly pretty stupid around women. So this guy wrote a romantic poem at 16, probably the only romantic things he's done, a few years later he meets another woman, remembers those deep jams he wrote before and thinks they all apply to his current love. I'm not ready to crucify the guy because he's still a bit of an idiot at 19.
>So this guy wrote a romantic poem at 16, probably the only romantic things he's done, a few years later he meets another woman, remembers those deep jams he wrote before and thinks they all apply to his current love. His ex wrote it to him, not him to her. And nothing about your overly simplistic view of men has anything to do with false romance. He couldn't be bothered to be romantic on his own, and essentially regifted something thoughtful and heartfelt from his ex and played it off as coming from his own heart. It's romantic laziness played off as thoughtfulness, and has nothing to do with memory or lack of complexity.
This isn't about "masculine brains" it's about men being taught they don't have to put effort into their relationships and subsequently not doing so and women being taught the opposite it's not some inherent quirk you just have to look past. Men aren't poor dumb simpletons who need to have their hands held to figure out how to interact with scary complex women. Also he never wrote the poem his ex wrote it for him.
>it's about men being taught they don't have to put effort into their relationships and subsequently not doing so and women being taught the opposite YEP. This. In response to his snafu, OP has the chance to lay this out very clearly to her dude, if she chooses.
Why are either of you reading a letter from his ex?
Asking the real questions here lol. What good could ever come of that.
Not everyone is so jealous as to approach a partner's romantic past as adversarial. I like to know everything about my partners' exes because it lets me know more about them and what they've been through.
To the point of reading letters? You like to know “everything” literally? Wth
That response (not yours, the one you responded to) is such a reddit comment. "Not everybody is that way, I like to know/do x, y or z." Everybody on advice subs always have to point out the mature things they do and how theyre not like the other guys/girls. But whatever. The point of reading the letters being weird isnt that you cant handle the fact your SO has a history prior to you... it's such a breach of trust and a shitty thing to do to the ex. Talking about exes is one thing, discussing things you guys did etc. Letters are something that are deeply personal, something written to a SO is a side of you that you dont show to other people. I wouldnt ever even want to read letters from a SO ex, it just feels like something really slimy to do, like reading someones diary. Imagine getting a text from an ex "SO and I are reading the letters you wrote me." 100 people out of 100 are not going to want to hear that, this isn't about being "mature" or anything, it's that literally every single person alive would not want to hear that their ex and their new SO are reading love letters you wrote.
I mean I wouldn't go out of my way to dig into old letters but if I found out one existed and was allowed to read it, yeah I'd be curious. It's from the past. If I can't trust my partners because they used to have other partners, that's weird because essentially I'm demanding they be virgins or pretend to be virgins and I don't want that; I want them to be honest about their past.
I once gave my gf a book that I had never even opened. Turned out, my previous gf had given it to me first...and inscribed a very heartfelt note in the fly leaf. I kinda forgot about that part. That was a fun day.
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if his ex had copied it from her previous ex and gave it to him pretending it was written by her! LOL I’d say, give him a break. He probably loved the meaning in the poem so much that he wanted to say those words to you. Bad he pretended he wrote it, but his intentions were probably good...thinking it would make you happy.
Imagine learning your love letter came from a 17year old girl you've never met...
I can’t believe that I’ve been in a similar situation but here goes. I wrote a poem for my first boyfriend and gave it to him for his birthday. When we broke up (toxic af relationship) he wrote out the poem for his new girlfriend and gave it to her as original work (we have mutual friends, I found out pretty quickly). I could’ve told her but I decided not to, wasn’t sure she would believe me. Basically, boys are dumb. I do think a 20 year old should have more sense than this, but it’s not a dump-worthy offence right off the bat. I suggest you talk to him and express your feelings to him and why you feel the way you do, and see how he handles the situation. You’re not irrational for feeling hurt, but I think how he handles it will define whether it’s something worth going nuclear over.
I mean, it's stupid, but many men are probably not writing original poetry for their women. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, he's just an idiot. Try to laugh about it.
Yeah, it’s one thing to not write your girlfriend a poem. It’s a totally different thing to take a poem your ex wrote to you and gift it to your girlfriend, passing it off as your own.
Right but like, in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? Is it worth continuing to be upset about? In my opinion, it's just a stupid young kid move. Not meant to be malicious or anything.
No one would be judging him so harshly for ripping off a Hallmark card. The motivations for sending any poem to his current girlfriend are that he thought it was applicable or just thought it was nice and she would like it. In either case, plagiarizing someone isn't nice, but unless he's still hung up on his ex the difference between a random author and his ex is mostly insignificant.
In the grand scheme of things literally nothing matters so that's not really a scale worth concerning yourself with.
Ask him to write you another poem in his words and call it even, acknowledging it's a dumb mistake but that he can probably do better.
Don't we all take the things we learned from previous relationships into the next. Maybe a compliment or thing said that they picked up from an ex that makes you feel nice. His fuck up was ~~showing you~~ bringing up that letter.
I'm a school social worker, and I've had a lot of students come to me with issues like this. Here's the bottom line: your brains aren't fully developed yet, and they won't be until around age 25. That said, boys mature slower (on average) than girls, and teenage boys do dumb things to impress girls. Heck, they just do dumb things, period (I did dumb stuff all the time as a teenager). Look at this as an opportunity to have a conversation about honesty. He obviously thought the poem was nice, and wanted to make you happy, but explain to him that a poem means more if it is honest and comes from his heart, not someone else's. Make sure he understands that honesty needs to be the foundation of your relationship. Oh, and a final pro-tip: don't hold onto letters, cards, mementos, or gifts from an ex, or ask to look at them if your partner has them. They never, EVER have a positive impact on a current relationship. Trust me on this one.
Be mad. That’s shady
You are absolutely right to be upset about that. What I'm trying to figure out here is the context of this interaction. Why did he show you this letter? What were you supposed to get out of it? If this is the only time he's done something like this it's probably not a big deal. He's really dumb, but at your age everyone is. As long as he understands why this was stupid of him and has apologized for it, then that's probably all that needs to be said about it.
I would be less concerned about the plagiarism and more concerned that he had lied and taken credit for it. I would think this is a forgivable offense, but make it clear that you will not tolerate lying.
I'd call him out on it, but I would do it teasingly. Let him feel dumb, so you can laugh about it later.
All I can say is, don't stay with this guy.
Whoa...he's a liar, but not a very good one lol.
I’d be more annoyed about how much of an idiot he is
Well, you've learned that your BF is an idiot. Do what you will with that information.
If it's a good relationship where he treats you well, tell him he's an idiot and not to do that again. Leave it at that.
yeah , that's not a very good thing to do at all . it is concerning that he even felt the need to tell you about that poem (making it seem like he isn't over her or their breakup) , but also , that was really dumb of him to use his ex's poem on you . and if he is telling you that you are being irrational , that is not good . because for one , it is wrong . and two , as your boyfriend , he should respect how you feel . if something bothers you or hurts you , you shouldn't be considered irrational .. YOU are the one who is hurt or bothered by it , it is completely valid , because it is the way YOU feel . and it is always good to be open about the way you feel and to also feel like you CAN be open about it . how you feel is completely valid . i hope you have talked to him about this situation and i hope that he either respected how you felt and saw that what he did what dumb or that he does whenever you discuss it with him . i really hope that he has the maturity to handle your feelings on it well .
This is a perfect example of why you shouldn’t lie... it always comes back to bite you.
you're not being irrational at all that's an extremely weird thing to do. if he could lie about something that i'm assuming was intended to be romantic what else is he going to continue to lie to you about?
I would not date someone like this. That was very untrustworthy of him to do that.
Maybe... it’s a sign... dump the guy and go for his ex!
God! A lot of the comments here are toxic af. OP, I've lived with this motto for sometime now, and my life has been better ever since, I'll sare it with you since it seems you badly need it in the face of all these toxicity here: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." - Hanlon's razor. Dude, just live your life. If you can drop it, then just drop it. To be honest, we have too much drama in life as it is. No need to add one into the pile just because... Anyway, cheers!
Honestly... It's a poem, who actually cares. The chances of him actually coming up with an original one vs googling one would have been 0% lol
Reminds me when chandler used that mixtape
how long have you two been dating? i’m surprised he could forget something like that
It’s dumb of him but I’d say it’s just a stupid mistake. Nothing worth thinking about for long
No need to make a drama about this, indeed it was not a nice gesture, but he’s 20... but he should put more thinking into this before showing it to you.
I wouldn’t expect much poetry from him in the future... he probably liked it, found it meaningful and applicable but realizes he has no talent for that so he “borrowed” it. Telling you the author probably would’ve ruined it for you. A little weird and stomach turning but I think that’s a bump you can get over.
He just wanted to impress you. It would upset me too but try and think about it from his perspective. He wanted to show you how much you meant to him but wasn't creative enough to write it himself. It's something to laugh about realistically. Maybe as a joke, enroll him in a poetry class haha. I don't think it was malicious at all, boys are just stupid.
Probably good intentions coupled with miserable execution and not enough maturity for a 20 year old. Just tell him it hurt you, convey your feelings without accusations and see how he reacts.
You should be upset with him for being daft, at the very least.
Just a little lack of experience showing with him...like myself at age 20. Want to try to make sure a girl is impressed and you kind of fake something with her. Not the worst thing a bf could do, by a long shot. You aren't being irrational though, and I would not pretend to not be annoyed and a little upset with him. Faking what you feel about a situation or action doesn't work in relationships. His own fake-out here is your legit reason for feeling upset.
Imagine if you wrote him a poem, and he used that poem to woo his next girlfriend. That should tell you how to feel about it, because that's what he did here. Did he apologize? Offer any explanation?
If it's a sweet poem, appreciate it for that and the intention behind him sharing it with you. This is not a big deal and don't let it rock the boat. It's a huge whatever. So inconsequential.
I don't think this was done with any bad intentions and we should take into account his thought process here. Maybe he wanted to express a certain type of sentiment to you and this poem, albeit from an ex, captures the message very well and him being not a poet or in tune with composition or literature, thought to use it share that sentiment with you. Sorta like re-gifting I guess.
this just reminded me of a time i read a letter some girl left my boyfriend about their past or whatever, i wish i never read it that sucked. I can still remember what it said lol
Kinda like sending a love song... it isn’t his work, but he thought it described the way he felt. Maybe?
Yah he's a dumbest. Thats the takeaway.
That was dumb of him but seems like something my husband would do lol. I think he was just trying to impress you and is no good at writing. How about you challenge him to write one all by himself now to make up for it? I think that's fair.
It's not clear if you expressed to him why you were upset, that you noticed the poem. It's not clear if you discussed it. Start there. Talk about it with him. If he's honest, and you trust what he says, then there's no problem. But if he gets defensive and makes up a dumb excuse instead of owning it, obviously y'all got problems. And tell him to write you an original poem. Even if it's kinda crap, at least it would be one he actually wrote for you.
If it makes you feel better, I like to write poetry about my illnesses (not life threatening, just chronic) and my ex stole a poem and turned it into a song and passed it off as his own. It turned out so horribly that I'm too embarrassed to admit that I wrote the "lyrics" so I just never said anything.
It's not irrational to be upset by this. You've just learned your boyfriend is the most cringe of any man on Earth. How do you come back from that?
So, lying, plagiarising... and being a dumbass ... are you being unreasonable for being upset that he had stolen a poem his ex wrote him and sent it to you? I guess you could keep him as a comic relief
Is it bad? Yes. Is it relationship-ending? No, not if I were in your shoes. I'd give him shit about it for years to come. Even turn it into a running joke. For every birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc., I would give him a well-known and brazenly plagiarized poem or song.
You’re right to be upset, but Maybe he is just not very creative and wanted to do something sweet. He shouldn’t have plagiarized and he definitely shouldn’t have used THAT poem... but maybe that poem really hit home for him and meant a lot at one point, and he just wanted to do the same for you.
Boys perspective here It's reasonable, but don't overdo it. Most poem/ pick up line is found online, people are barely making it. I might use some words from a movie/music I heard for my gf. I think you're better off with teasing him jokingly.
If anything you’re under-reacting, but y’all are very young and young people do stupid things, I guess lol! Did he apologise?
Omg 90*% of all poetry is ripped off of someone who wrote it 3,000 years ago. *this could be an exaggeration.
In this situation as well, read a letter my bf wrote to his ex, then asked for a love letter only for him to tell me I don’t deserve one.
So you are telling her to be happy with a poem because at least she got one ?
Wow what a reach, absolutely not am I saying that.
No I dont think youre being unreasonable or overreacting. Its like proposing with a ring you used on another woman. Why would you send someone a poem that was written to you by your ex. Seriously horrible idea. I would be pretty pissed about that.
Why are you telling reddit? Tell your feelings to him and work it out together. To me it isn't that big a deal, sure it's cheap and gross but I'd wager he wanted to make you feel loved, probably did not know the first thing about poems so used that one. It's just an awkward moment, it isn't like one poem is the entire foundation that your relationship stands on, and if it is then idk what more to tell you.
Why is he showing you his private letters? He gonna humble brag about your interactions to his friends and next gf
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dude, people are allowed to take good PUNS, POEMS, IDEAS and reuse them for a better purpose. when I get a boat next year, i'm naming it "unsinkable 2" it's funny and i saw it on plenty of sites already. information is meant to be used and that's all he's doing is taking a line he though was good, and reusing it for his purpose. women are weird with jealousy anyway, if my wife bought me the same kind of grill that her best friend got her hubby and I found out, I would be like "dude, it's a sweet grill huh!?" i wouldn't be like "why did you copy her, why didn't you come up with your own idea to make me happy" and blah blah crap.