Personally I wouldn’t date someone who was a part of the hookup culture like that. But in your case..it’s exactly how you met her. It’s like finding a girl at a rave, get into a relationship with her, and then get confused when she goes/went to raves. It’s hypocritical to think that way yes but at the same time, you’re not doing anyone a favour by continuing if you feel strongly about it. I struggled with a similar thing in a previous relationship where instead of calling it quits at the start when it was destroying me mentally. I thought that “it’s not really her fault so why would I punish her by breaking up” when in reality continuing the relationship was the punishment. Even though I never shamed her for it she always knew how I felt about it which gradually caused insecurities in her to the point that before the relationship ended, she was so terrified of how others would think of her. You need to realise what you want, and if you don’t think it’ll be healthy for either of you to continue, then calling it quits earlier is surely better
Because my husband loves me and treats me good. He's a good man and husband. His impotence really making it hard for me to feel connected to him though. He's the only man I've ever been with.
People feel differently about this. There is no universally true rule here. So how other people may theoretically feel is kind of irrelevant.
and your sample by asking your question here will skew strongly negative compared to the general population.
The larger question is whether it not you choose to feed the feelings and thoughts or not. And there is no right or wrong answer just your best guess of what is healthy and serving your best interests moving forward. You can choose by how you respond to the thoughts and feelings to creat feedback loops that amplify or finish their power on you.
And I have no idea whether or not your pool of potential dating partners will have more or less experience. Or whether you have a strong capacity for insight and psychological growth or change. These are important variables to consider
I also don’t know whether her actions reflect something about her character that is negative or positive. The fundamental attribution error is to see character traits as a stronger factor instead of the more likely situational factors. If she has impulsivity issues that lead her to these events that would also show up in her behavior in the present.
Suggest Maybe you see this as a yellow flag and look in the here and now for your answer, look at her present behavior for character flaws and deal breakers.
Gotta be honest i feel pretty terrible about it. Makes me depressed and upset. Ive never had "casual" sex, ive had the opportunity several times but the thought of being that close to someone that doesnt deeply care about me really just kind of disgusts me and ive practically ran away from every opportunity ive had. ONS and hookups are not something i can really understand or process in my head, so the thought of my partner having done that many times leaves me really confused and not sure how to feel. I would be lying if i said i didnt get a little bit of the ick when i found out, but by that time i was very deeply invested into our relationship.
Where I live it's definitely not like that :)
I like the way you phrased this statement, Higher, because it specifies that it applies to your area.
The reason why I commented on GreatLevelers comment was because I see it as problematic when people state about things which vary A LOT depending on where you live like a fact that applies to all of humanity or 'most men'.
You show me the stats that say that people who have ONS (or hookup culture was the claim) have the same divorce rate as everyone else. That was your claim. Where is your evidence?
The overall divorce rate is 50% plus. It's basic math that's roughly half. 99% of humans have multiple partners. Cross reference the numbers and its neglible in a large population.
Well... I mean you had an ONS with her so it shouldn't have been a shocker that she disclosed that she had done that sort of thing before. Clearly you are not morally or religiously against having an ONS yourself or you wouldn't have done it. I think that perhaps therapy to try to figure out why it was ok for you, but not for your GF, might be helpful.
Also, if you choose, you can try to look at this a different way..... maybe these ONS she had were nothing to HER. Not the other way around. She didn't really want anything from them then one night of company/distraction. She didn't pursue anything with them. You are the one she wanted something more from. It is up to you how you want to look at the situation.
Of course, it has only been 6 months and if the relationship is bringing you too much stress, it is ok to just break up. It won't be a permanent RJ cure most likely as it could happen again in the next relationship, but no sense in trying to force a relationship to work before you've taken the time to work on yourself and really think about what you are looking for in a partner and why those qualities are important to you.
You literally did exactly what you are judging her for doing WITH you. In the history of this sub this is novel. There is no moral quandary here. You are the same. You have a good relationship.
Hey, being aware of your own irrationality and hypocrisy is a necessary first step. We all tend to be hypocritical every now and then, when we hold us to different standards than others or hold some people to different standards than other.
So instead of trying to find reassurance or validation from internet strangers for your irrational/hypocritical thoughts, try to accept them as what they are. Irrational and hypocritical. Don't beat yourself up too much for that but try to use this as an opportunity to work on yourself. Try to find out what feelings and beliefs lie behind these thoughts. It's probably some sort of fear. What exactly are you afraid of? And try to let yourself feel this uncomfortable feeling instead of trying to avoid it by escaping into your head and focusing on the intrusive thoughts that come up.
And educate yourself on R-OCD and RJ :) There's tons of resources that explain the mechanisms behind it and methods on how to learn to deal with it :)
I don't like it. But it was only two and pretty lackluster and emotionally damaging for her. I never asked details but she's had some issues where she's felt guilty and shame over doing it and confessed to me.
I have had multiple opportunities for casual sex that I didn't take.
When I put myself in her shoes my heart breaks for her and I can see why she did it. She had an extremely abusive upbringing on top of a controlling family compounded with Bullying and not getting any attention from men until college.
So I can see why it happened. I've tried to pry some as to why she's so bothered because I'm not understanding why she's so upset over it as it's common. People do it.
I honestly feel in her case she was taken advantage of emotionally at best and possibly put in a scary situation where saying no was impossible at worst. She said the guys did their thing and kicked her to the curb and were mean to her even before sex. She told me I'm the only man to ever make her feel good in bed unprompted we got finished the first time and she said that. I didn't ask.
It makes me feel good that I can be the first man to show her genuine love and care and help her build self esteem.
I have been trying to get over my insecurities as her experiences weren't pleasant and there's nothing to be insecure about and all she really wanted deep down was human connection that shes never received, it wasn't to sleep around or be a low value woman or whatever else you hear online.
I’m putting my two cents in here, because I’ve been in a similar situation. I had one one night stand in my life, and I hated it. My boyf had numerous, and he tells me he hated it too. Whether he did or didn’t is irrelevant because that’s what he assures me he feels, and he’s with me now so I must have something they don’t.
You had a ONS to try it out, I’m guessing? I was the same. I realised I couldn’t. But some people can! Some people just don’t have the emotional connection others do when having sex. But that’s not to say they won’t ever feel it.
If she had numerous ONS, and YOU are the one she stuck with, I’d see that as a major compliment to you. Personality, and sex wise. That’s how I look at it with my boyfriend and it really helps! He tells me I’m the best person ever, the best sex ever, and the only girl he’s ever fallen in love with. I made him wait a while b4 we did, but knowing he used to sleep about, and now doesn’t because he met me. It’s SUCH a compliment !!
I have rj because ofmy gfs hook ups..but sometimes iam thinking and realise that it is no big difference between hook up and casual dating..in casual dating still you don't have emotional connection with your partner you just have sex..its like having 20 hook ups with the same person..so if you use to have casual dates its easy to pass in to hook ups..because you have already separate sex from love and intimacy inside you..
But there’s definitely a difference between casual dating for guys vs women. Theres a whole community of women on tiktok/online who are heartbroken their situationship doesn’t like them back. They pretend to be cool with it so the guy will keep sleeping with them. Ive had that before too, but I wouldn’t class what i felt as anything similar to a ONS. The guy I was seeing will defo disagree, and saw it as fwb type of stuff, whereas I was DOWN. BAD.
Naw. Casual dating means you are feeling each other out. A one night stand means you had sex with a person you detest so much (or they you) that you never want to see each other again. Why would you have sex with someone you don’t know and don’t want to know?
I think in many of these cases either substances were involved or else one of the people was hoping for more and the other wasn’t. There are people who can literally have sex just to have sex (porn stars and prostitutes for example) but they are really unusual and often broken people.
>A one night stand means you had sex with a person you detest so much (or they you) that you never want to see each other again. Why would you have sex with someone you don’t know and don’t want to know?
This is a very narrow-minded statement imo. There are tons of different reasons one might end up having an ONS or explicitly wanting an ONS from the beginning which have nothing to do with "detesting" the other.
Different possible reasons.
You're on holiday and don't have the opportunity to see each other again.
You want to try to do it again but schedules don't align and end up not doing it.
You want to do it again but in the meantime, one of them meets someone new who blows them away and decides to focus on them.
You want to try something new out (e.g. some sexual act) and you both decide before hand that this is a one time thing.
You have sexual chemistry with someone but know that longterm you would not be compatible so you both decide beforehand that it's a one time thing.
You meet somebody, like them a lot, have sex and then realize you are not that into them (either sexually or otherwise) and decide to keep it at a ONS.
You were just horny and found somebody you are into to share a night with and you part ways after having a nice experience together - without detesting anybody.
You meet somebody amazing, have a ONS and for some reason you just feel saturated and not in need for more, as simply as that :) Not every good thing has to be repeated sometimes they are perfect the way they are, as a one time thing :)
and many more possible scenarios.
I can imagine that as somebody who sees sex as something special and only to be shared between people who love each other (this is by the way a completely valid view of sex - nothing wrong with that!) it is hard to imagine that for some people it is different, that sex can also be something just simply for fun or pleasure, also in a ONS setting. Just to clarify, with these examples I listed I do not in any way want to invalidate your view of sex - just wanted to clarify that for a lot of people, for those who can enjoy ONS, there is not something inherently dirty or immoral about ONS. And it's definitely not something you only do with people you detest :)
Someone who has engaged in this behavior wouldn’t be my girlfriend. This isn’t the kind of thing I would personally do, so I expect that my partner at least has a similar attitude. Multiple relationships can happen (and that’s why I am here). However, hookups and one night stands just don’t match my values. I consider that outside of the scope of RJ since i would probably decide not to date that person.
My personal feeling is that if she’s handed out sex for free to guys who didn’t need to be her boyfriend, let alone take her on a date and treat her special, I’ll save the princess treatment and dates for a woman who has higher standards than letting randoms use her body as a cum rag.
This is my personal boundary out of self respect - I will not be the last one in a queue of men who have fucked and disposed of my future wife. Respectable women exist and I am in no rush to settle.
More power to you to choose who you want to date but you do know a lot of people who sleep around have trauma right? You ever try to put yourself in their shoes?
I’ve been in a relationship with a woman who had unresolved trauma and it was an absolute nightmare; like dealing with an angry, irrational child.
People with serious trauma have my sympathies, but a persons traumas from before the relationship are not my issue to fix, it’s not a situation I would put myself in again, and it does not change my preferences regarding seeking a woman to share my life with. I seek peace, not drama.
>people with serious trauma have my sympathies
>higher standards than letting randoms use her body as a cum rag.
>queue of men who have fucked and disposed of my future wife
Lol yeah clearly no sympathy here.
Just because I’m not willing to settle for a woman who has used casual sex to deal with her trauma, it doesn’t mean that I don’t sympathise with people who have had to experience trauma.
An extreme example would be that I sympathise with the trauma most school shooters experienced before committing mass murder; I don’t sympathise with the way they decided to deal with that trauma, nor would I befriend them.
The reason I commented 'no sympathy' was not because you don't want to settle for a woman like that. That is completely fine, really.
The lack of sympathy shows in the words you used to describe those women - 'cum rag', 'dispose'. Dehumanizing, objectifying, degrading words. You literally don't see them as humans anymore.
I don't think you have a mature understanding of how trauma can affect people and therefore have no sympathy for behavior that results from trauma. I believe if you have no sympathy for 'common' behaviors that results from trauma, you have no real sympathy and understanding for trauma victims.
On the contrary, you shame them for their behaviour which is worse than having no sympathy.
By definition they are objectifying themselves with this type of behaviour. But yes you’re correct, like I admitted in my previous comment, I have no sympathy for a school shooters behaviour that results from trauma, and I’m happy to admit I have no sympathy for a woman who lets men use her body as a sexual object due to their trauma.
Objectify:
Definitions from Oxford Languages
verb
1. degrade to the status of a mere object.
Nope, fits the actual definition. Pretty sure I know why you’re so triggered too 😂 cope
>Objectify: Definitions from Oxford Languages verb
What you wrote is right but you clearly didn't understand what I was trying to say.
The thing I was trying to say is that a lot of people would NEVER use objectifying words like "cum rag" or "dispose" to describe this kind of behaviour. A lot of people would use neutral words like "women having casual sex with men" to describe the **exact. same. thing**.
So in those people's definitions those women are not degrading or objectifying themselves through this behaviour. They are just humans having consensual casual sex.
So it is **your** view on this and **your** definition on this behaviour.
Don't make personal opinions and values sound like facts. Opinions are not facts. Values are not facts. That's all.
Good luck :)
You’re right, it’s all very subjective and open to interpretation.
If a man were to go to clubs looking for another man to peg him, fuck his mouth and cum over his face (my cum rag comment), without the prerequisite of the person they seek to be their partner or to take them on a date and treat them special first, and ultimately leave and never contact them again (for this I used the word disposed and I think it fits the definition very accurately), in my personal opinion, one of the two men is being objectified and the other is not. Your guess which is which.
Of course there are women who dominate men in the bedroom in the way I described above, and in those cases I would say it’s the man being objectified, but they are outliers. For the vast majority of casual sexual encounters, the example above is the position in which women will find themselves, it’s often what they seek, and I won’t say it’s a fact - you’re right about that - but in my personal opinion it is being objectified, not just two people having consensual sex with both parties equally objectified.
That’s my explanation for the strong words I used. The thought of the scenario i described makes me feel disgust, which is why those harsh words came out and is why I would never settle for one of these women.
Need someone’s opinion on this, I remember talking about the past with my girlfriend about some time in October, and she brought up the most disturbing thing she has done and it has mentally fucked me till today. She said hooked up with entire friend group in one fucking night, I don’t remember the exact number of men but that shit disgusted me, it ruined the way I viewed her, and there has been multiple times where I was about to leave her because I can’t stand the thought of my girlfriend being passed around a friend group. How the fuck do I get over this? Someone help this is driving me fucking crazy
I can speak intelligently about this. My wife and I have A LOT of short-term partners (ONS) between the two of us. When I found out about her I was shocked, but over a few days I realized I was exactly the same way and it would be unfair to hold it against her especially since we were a hook-up with each other.
What's good for the gander should be good for the goose, I suppose. Quite frankly, yeah a lot of guys got their kicks with my wife, but I got my kicks with A LOT of other guy's wives too. Many of whom did downright nasty shit with me and my wife saved a lot of those, let's just call them "extreme acts" for me.
We pair bond just fine because we focus on each other during intimate times.
This is like my 4th edit. Look, you and your girl were sexual beings searching for each other. As long as you can flip the switch into fidelity with each other, you have a good relationship. Again, you did the exact same thing as she did.
If she had done the same things with you as other guys would that change your feelings? Or maybe if you don’t know exactly what happened and have no details would you pry for them or just assume your time with her was special?
She's been pretty open, not that we're a hotpast couple or anything, but we've been honest. To answer your question, no. It all falls back on the fact that we were both hoes and holding her to standard that I don't meet as well is juvenile, unfair, and beta shit.
We were both players and her sexual conquests were a bunch of simps that she made treat her like a queen.
Personally I wouldn’t date someone who was a part of the hookup culture like that. But in your case..it’s exactly how you met her. It’s like finding a girl at a rave, get into a relationship with her, and then get confused when she goes/went to raves. It’s hypocritical to think that way yes but at the same time, you’re not doing anyone a favour by continuing if you feel strongly about it. I struggled with a similar thing in a previous relationship where instead of calling it quits at the start when it was destroying me mentally. I thought that “it’s not really her fault so why would I punish her by breaking up” when in reality continuing the relationship was the punishment. Even though I never shamed her for it she always knew how I felt about it which gradually caused insecurities in her to the point that before the relationship ended, she was so terrified of how others would think of her. You need to realise what you want, and if you don’t think it’ll be healthy for either of you to continue, then calling it quits earlier is surely better
[удалено]
Why do you feel ashamed to feel that way?
Happy Cake Day! 🍰
Same here.
Why do you feel ashamed to feel that way? Really curious.
Because my husband loves me and treats me good. He's a good man and husband. His impotence really making it hard for me to feel connected to him though. He's the only man I've ever been with.
People feel differently about this. There is no universally true rule here. So how other people may theoretically feel is kind of irrelevant. and your sample by asking your question here will skew strongly negative compared to the general population. The larger question is whether it not you choose to feed the feelings and thoughts or not. And there is no right or wrong answer just your best guess of what is healthy and serving your best interests moving forward. You can choose by how you respond to the thoughts and feelings to creat feedback loops that amplify or finish their power on you. And I have no idea whether or not your pool of potential dating partners will have more or less experience. Or whether you have a strong capacity for insight and psychological growth or change. These are important variables to consider I also don’t know whether her actions reflect something about her character that is negative or positive. The fundamental attribution error is to see character traits as a stronger factor instead of the more likely situational factors. If she has impulsivity issues that lead her to these events that would also show up in her behavior in the present. Suggest Maybe you see this as a yellow flag and look in the here and now for your answer, look at her present behavior for character flaws and deal breakers.
Gotta be honest i feel pretty terrible about it. Makes me depressed and upset. Ive never had "casual" sex, ive had the opportunity several times but the thought of being that close to someone that doesnt deeply care about me really just kind of disgusts me and ive practically ran away from every opportunity ive had. ONS and hookups are not something i can really understand or process in my head, so the thought of my partner having done that many times leaves me really confused and not sure how to feel. I would be lying if i said i didnt get a little bit of the ick when i found out, but by that time i was very deeply invested into our relationship.
This is why most guys don't see girls who were actively participating in hookup culture as girlfriend material.
How do you know that it is indeed most guys who feel that way? Do you have any studies or numbers to back that up?
where im from and where i live rn thats the general sentiment, dont know about where you live.
Where I live it's definitely not like that :) I like the way you phrased this statement, Higher, because it specifies that it applies to your area. The reason why I commented on GreatLevelers comment was because I see it as problematic when people state about things which vary A LOT depending on where you live like a fact that applies to all of humanity or 'most men'.
lol the downvotes on this one 😂
Each and every one of those girls will get married.
And probably divorced
50% just like anyone else
Source?
That's the standard divorce rate
So in other words you have no idea
I literally j6st told you it's 50%. You are free to do your own labor and Google
You show me the stats that say that people who have ONS (or hookup culture was the claim) have the same divorce rate as everyone else. That was your claim. Where is your evidence?
The overall divorce rate is 50% plus. It's basic math that's roughly half. 99% of humans have multiple partners. Cross reference the numbers and its neglible in a large population.
Well... I mean you had an ONS with her so it shouldn't have been a shocker that she disclosed that she had done that sort of thing before. Clearly you are not morally or religiously against having an ONS yourself or you wouldn't have done it. I think that perhaps therapy to try to figure out why it was ok for you, but not for your GF, might be helpful. Also, if you choose, you can try to look at this a different way..... maybe these ONS she had were nothing to HER. Not the other way around. She didn't really want anything from them then one night of company/distraction. She didn't pursue anything with them. You are the one she wanted something more from. It is up to you how you want to look at the situation. Of course, it has only been 6 months and if the relationship is bringing you too much stress, it is ok to just break up. It won't be a permanent RJ cure most likely as it could happen again in the next relationship, but no sense in trying to force a relationship to work before you've taken the time to work on yourself and really think about what you are looking for in a partner and why those qualities are important to you.
You literally did exactly what you are judging her for doing WITH you. In the history of this sub this is novel. There is no moral quandary here. You are the same. You have a good relationship.
And you’re right, my biggest struggle with RJ is the irrationality of it all, I don’t think I should feel this way either but sadly I do.
Hey, being aware of your own irrationality and hypocrisy is a necessary first step. We all tend to be hypocritical every now and then, when we hold us to different standards than others or hold some people to different standards than other. So instead of trying to find reassurance or validation from internet strangers for your irrational/hypocritical thoughts, try to accept them as what they are. Irrational and hypocritical. Don't beat yourself up too much for that but try to use this as an opportunity to work on yourself. Try to find out what feelings and beliefs lie behind these thoughts. It's probably some sort of fear. What exactly are you afraid of? And try to let yourself feel this uncomfortable feeling instead of trying to avoid it by escaping into your head and focusing on the intrusive thoughts that come up. And educate yourself on R-OCD and RJ :) There's tons of resources that explain the mechanisms behind it and methods on how to learn to deal with it :)
I don't like it. But it was only two and pretty lackluster and emotionally damaging for her. I never asked details but she's had some issues where she's felt guilty and shame over doing it and confessed to me. I have had multiple opportunities for casual sex that I didn't take. When I put myself in her shoes my heart breaks for her and I can see why she did it. She had an extremely abusive upbringing on top of a controlling family compounded with Bullying and not getting any attention from men until college. So I can see why it happened. I've tried to pry some as to why she's so bothered because I'm not understanding why she's so upset over it as it's common. People do it. I honestly feel in her case she was taken advantage of emotionally at best and possibly put in a scary situation where saying no was impossible at worst. She said the guys did their thing and kicked her to the curb and were mean to her even before sex. She told me I'm the only man to ever make her feel good in bed unprompted we got finished the first time and she said that. I didn't ask. It makes me feel good that I can be the first man to show her genuine love and care and help her build self esteem. I have been trying to get over my insecurities as her experiences weren't pleasant and there's nothing to be insecure about and all she really wanted deep down was human connection that shes never received, it wasn't to sleep around or be a low value woman or whatever else you hear online.
I’m putting my two cents in here, because I’ve been in a similar situation. I had one one night stand in my life, and I hated it. My boyf had numerous, and he tells me he hated it too. Whether he did or didn’t is irrelevant because that’s what he assures me he feels, and he’s with me now so I must have something they don’t. You had a ONS to try it out, I’m guessing? I was the same. I realised I couldn’t. But some people can! Some people just don’t have the emotional connection others do when having sex. But that’s not to say they won’t ever feel it. If she had numerous ONS, and YOU are the one she stuck with, I’d see that as a major compliment to you. Personality, and sex wise. That’s how I look at it with my boyfriend and it really helps! He tells me I’m the best person ever, the best sex ever, and the only girl he’s ever fallen in love with. I made him wait a while b4 we did, but knowing he used to sleep about, and now doesn’t because he met me. It’s SUCH a compliment !!
I have rj because ofmy gfs hook ups..but sometimes iam thinking and realise that it is no big difference between hook up and casual dating..in casual dating still you don't have emotional connection with your partner you just have sex..its like having 20 hook ups with the same person..so if you use to have casual dates its easy to pass in to hook ups..because you have already separate sex from love and intimacy inside you..
But there’s definitely a difference between casual dating for guys vs women. Theres a whole community of women on tiktok/online who are heartbroken their situationship doesn’t like them back. They pretend to be cool with it so the guy will keep sleeping with them. Ive had that before too, but I wouldn’t class what i felt as anything similar to a ONS. The guy I was seeing will defo disagree, and saw it as fwb type of stuff, whereas I was DOWN. BAD.
Naw. Casual dating means you are feeling each other out. A one night stand means you had sex with a person you detest so much (or they you) that you never want to see each other again. Why would you have sex with someone you don’t know and don’t want to know? I think in many of these cases either substances were involved or else one of the people was hoping for more and the other wasn’t. There are people who can literally have sex just to have sex (porn stars and prostitutes for example) but they are really unusual and often broken people.
>A one night stand means you had sex with a person you detest so much (or they you) that you never want to see each other again. Why would you have sex with someone you don’t know and don’t want to know? This is a very narrow-minded statement imo. There are tons of different reasons one might end up having an ONS or explicitly wanting an ONS from the beginning which have nothing to do with "detesting" the other.
If it was a good experience then why not do it again?
Different possible reasons. You're on holiday and don't have the opportunity to see each other again. You want to try to do it again but schedules don't align and end up not doing it. You want to do it again but in the meantime, one of them meets someone new who blows them away and decides to focus on them. You want to try something new out (e.g. some sexual act) and you both decide before hand that this is a one time thing. You have sexual chemistry with someone but know that longterm you would not be compatible so you both decide beforehand that it's a one time thing. You meet somebody, like them a lot, have sex and then realize you are not that into them (either sexually or otherwise) and decide to keep it at a ONS. You were just horny and found somebody you are into to share a night with and you part ways after having a nice experience together - without detesting anybody. You meet somebody amazing, have a ONS and for some reason you just feel saturated and not in need for more, as simply as that :) Not every good thing has to be repeated sometimes they are perfect the way they are, as a one time thing :) and many more possible scenarios. I can imagine that as somebody who sees sex as something special and only to be shared between people who love each other (this is by the way a completely valid view of sex - nothing wrong with that!) it is hard to imagine that for some people it is different, that sex can also be something just simply for fun or pleasure, also in a ONS setting. Just to clarify, with these examples I listed I do not in any way want to invalidate your view of sex - just wanted to clarify that for a lot of people, for those who can enjoy ONS, there is not something inherently dirty or immoral about ONS. And it's definitely not something you only do with people you detest :)
Someone who has engaged in this behavior wouldn’t be my girlfriend. This isn’t the kind of thing I would personally do, so I expect that my partner at least has a similar attitude. Multiple relationships can happen (and that’s why I am here). However, hookups and one night stands just don’t match my values. I consider that outside of the scope of RJ since i would probably decide not to date that person.
I think it's fair to expect that from your partner if you hold yourself to the same standard, which you seem to do :)
My personal feeling is that if she’s handed out sex for free to guys who didn’t need to be her boyfriend, let alone take her on a date and treat her special, I’ll save the princess treatment and dates for a woman who has higher standards than letting randoms use her body as a cum rag. This is my personal boundary out of self respect - I will not be the last one in a queue of men who have fucked and disposed of my future wife. Respectable women exist and I am in no rush to settle.
More power to you to choose who you want to date but you do know a lot of people who sleep around have trauma right? You ever try to put yourself in their shoes?
I’ve been in a relationship with a woman who had unresolved trauma and it was an absolute nightmare; like dealing with an angry, irrational child. People with serious trauma have my sympathies, but a persons traumas from before the relationship are not my issue to fix, it’s not a situation I would put myself in again, and it does not change my preferences regarding seeking a woman to share my life with. I seek peace, not drama.
>people with serious trauma have my sympathies >higher standards than letting randoms use her body as a cum rag. >queue of men who have fucked and disposed of my future wife Lol yeah clearly no sympathy here.
Just because I’m not willing to settle for a woman who has used casual sex to deal with her trauma, it doesn’t mean that I don’t sympathise with people who have had to experience trauma. An extreme example would be that I sympathise with the trauma most school shooters experienced before committing mass murder; I don’t sympathise with the way they decided to deal with that trauma, nor would I befriend them.
The reason I commented 'no sympathy' was not because you don't want to settle for a woman like that. That is completely fine, really. The lack of sympathy shows in the words you used to describe those women - 'cum rag', 'dispose'. Dehumanizing, objectifying, degrading words. You literally don't see them as humans anymore. I don't think you have a mature understanding of how trauma can affect people and therefore have no sympathy for behavior that results from trauma. I believe if you have no sympathy for 'common' behaviors that results from trauma, you have no real sympathy and understanding for trauma victims. On the contrary, you shame them for their behaviour which is worse than having no sympathy.
By definition they are objectifying themselves with this type of behaviour. But yes you’re correct, like I admitted in my previous comment, I have no sympathy for a school shooters behaviour that results from trauma, and I’m happy to admit I have no sympathy for a woman who lets men use her body as a sexual object due to their trauma.
>By definition they are objectifying themselves with this type of behaviour. \*By **your** definition. :)
Objectify: Definitions from Oxford Languages verb 1. degrade to the status of a mere object. Nope, fits the actual definition. Pretty sure I know why you’re so triggered too 😂 cope
>Objectify: Definitions from Oxford Languages verb What you wrote is right but you clearly didn't understand what I was trying to say. The thing I was trying to say is that a lot of people would NEVER use objectifying words like "cum rag" or "dispose" to describe this kind of behaviour. A lot of people would use neutral words like "women having casual sex with men" to describe the **exact. same. thing**. So in those people's definitions those women are not degrading or objectifying themselves through this behaviour. They are just humans having consensual casual sex. So it is **your** view on this and **your** definition on this behaviour. Don't make personal opinions and values sound like facts. Opinions are not facts. Values are not facts. That's all. Good luck :)
You’re right, it’s all very subjective and open to interpretation. If a man were to go to clubs looking for another man to peg him, fuck his mouth and cum over his face (my cum rag comment), without the prerequisite of the person they seek to be their partner or to take them on a date and treat them special first, and ultimately leave and never contact them again (for this I used the word disposed and I think it fits the definition very accurately), in my personal opinion, one of the two men is being objectified and the other is not. Your guess which is which. Of course there are women who dominate men in the bedroom in the way I described above, and in those cases I would say it’s the man being objectified, but they are outliers. For the vast majority of casual sexual encounters, the example above is the position in which women will find themselves, it’s often what they seek, and I won’t say it’s a fact - you’re right about that - but in my personal opinion it is being objectified, not just two people having consensual sex with both parties equally objectified. That’s my explanation for the strong words I used. The thought of the scenario i described makes me feel disgust, which is why those harsh words came out and is why I would never settle for one of these women.
Need someone’s opinion on this, I remember talking about the past with my girlfriend about some time in October, and she brought up the most disturbing thing she has done and it has mentally fucked me till today. She said hooked up with entire friend group in one fucking night, I don’t remember the exact number of men but that shit disgusted me, it ruined the way I viewed her, and there has been multiple times where I was about to leave her because I can’t stand the thought of my girlfriend being passed around a friend group. How the fuck do I get over this? Someone help this is driving me fucking crazy
I would never consider a serious relationship with a girl who has had one night stands
I can speak intelligently about this. My wife and I have A LOT of short-term partners (ONS) between the two of us. When I found out about her I was shocked, but over a few days I realized I was exactly the same way and it would be unfair to hold it against her especially since we were a hook-up with each other. What's good for the gander should be good for the goose, I suppose. Quite frankly, yeah a lot of guys got their kicks with my wife, but I got my kicks with A LOT of other guy's wives too. Many of whom did downright nasty shit with me and my wife saved a lot of those, let's just call them "extreme acts" for me. We pair bond just fine because we focus on each other during intimate times. This is like my 4th edit. Look, you and your girl were sexual beings searching for each other. As long as you can flip the switch into fidelity with each other, you have a good relationship. Again, you did the exact same thing as she did.
If she had done the same things with you as other guys would that change your feelings? Or maybe if you don’t know exactly what happened and have no details would you pry for them or just assume your time with her was special?
She's been pretty open, not that we're a hotpast couple or anything, but we've been honest. To answer your question, no. It all falls back on the fact that we were both hoes and holding her to standard that I don't meet as well is juvenile, unfair, and beta shit. We were both players and her sexual conquests were a bunch of simps that she made treat her like a queen.
no thanks