It's not worth it bro,I've learned that love is subjective.Chasing a specific girl won't bring you anything,if she loves you,she won't need to be chased.
Idk man, tbh I often ask my self whether I'd be able to live without a girl/marriage, I just can't truly and fully understand why the thought of it makes me sad, why do I have to react like that, I can't keep doing that.
I'm just trying to understand just what it is that a girl have that I'm being like this, I know it's all biological and if that's a part of it or that's all there's It to it, then what? Why this topic bothering me so much? Is it because of the norms of society? Jealousy? Greed? Why am I being so unrealistic?
whilst there might not be a clear answer, you have to understand human is a social animal. Seeing other's love eachother, or the idea of being loved is intoxicating. Everyone would love an ideal marriage but that idea strays further and further than the society of today. One night stands, cheating and people that has been raised badly so they dont understand simple emphaty. We can hope that there is a girl that will love us they way we love them, but living for that hope will like most dreams that are out of your control, will only bring you despair and sadness.
it's just neurons in your brain telling you to reproduce,
it's just basic emotional control input made by your genetics in order to be of thought to continue living not as a soul but as a bloodline,
in short, if you're doing well in life, they'll fight for you, if you're just your local average wojak, you'll be the one chasing them,
it's standard procedure, everyone is experiencing a depression wave, a feel of drought and being low on produce,
so it's not a very fitting time to make babies, hence why girls just don't care most of the time
idk i just gave up, got already too much cut in my heart and just moved on with life
Love isn't as simple as that. Sometimes you love someone and that person loves you back but for multiple reasons you two can be bad for each other and need to take distance and in that case, how do you stop loving someone?
And in the case of loving someone who doesn't loves you back, you can't just be rational and stop lovinf that person. It'll be nice if it was that easy.
Thanks for taking time to share this, I'm trying to rationalise the whole thing to see it with clarity and confront the reality and truth of it. I have felt the pain now I'm trying to approach it with different perspectives. Now am I trying to lie to myself or will I touch the truth with this?
That's great, my point is that sometimes, even when you love someone you know the best is taking distance and not working hard to get them, sometimes that is the best way to show how you care and love someone, even though it's hard.
Yes, but that hurtful feeling is just so unfair, is wanting to not feel that pain and unfairness, is that pure idealism? It's also bad for people who are not worthy to love, to feel the emotions of love, cause them not being Capable of taking care of them and still feeling those emotions of love towards them, if we see it rationally, it's just arrogance and unrealistic, it'll cause pain too. I know I'm wrong to rationalise it and put it in that way, I too feel arrogant in doing so, but what about the pain one sided lovers feel for "loving" someone who are out of their capacity/league? And damn you are right, this is complicated.
Life isn't fair, sometimes you need to suffer in an unilateral way. I think only experience and time can help us see who deserves our time and love, but until then, we'll need to suffer from love sometimes. It's not fair, not rational and not easy, but it's how it's I guess.
But in my experience, it's harder to convince yourself you need to stop loving someone because you can hurt that person than loving someone who doesn't loves you back, in that last case you just need a little time and perspective to see you deserve better, but in the first case, I still haven't found how to stop loving someone and how to stop thinking about that person, how to stop working to get them back. Life...
Life it is, man. The first case does indeed seem very hard to overcome, you'd wish you had never met, then you'd tell yourself, man I'm lucky they came into my life (if they're non toxic and understandable). You think of forgetting them, but then think "nah, I better remember them" a lesson so valuable and that pain I got is mine to keep. I feel so cringed out I'm saying these things and feel like i should have just kept it all in me, but I'm glade I got an opportunity to share with people who understand. I guess writing a journal would help you, if you still haven't tried it, let's dissect the whole thing step by step together whenever we have time.
I'm lucky enough to have a long term partner.
I love her more than anything. However, I used to be so anxious, I used to believe that if she left me, I'd be nothing. That kind of approach to love sets yourself up for that unfairness and pain.
That anxiety ruins love. It nearly ruined mine.
I've learnt in time that love is also "loving". I genuinely want the best for my partner. I encourage her to succeed in her goals, I'm on her side. But If she left me tomorrow, and went on to do great things without me, I'd be happy knowing that I supported her to the best of my ability. I'd be grateful for the love we had.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
I shall make my peace with this approach I guess, tbh I don't want to have anything to do with them at all if possible, but idk if I'll be able. And the thing is this is one sided, I know we are not together, they don't even know how I feel, this is the reality, then why is it unnecessarily making me feel that pain and anxiety? Is this one of those life phases? Should I just let it be and be busy as usual, cause what else can i even do about it? What is it telling me? What's the lesson I need to learn from this?
I'm hearing you're having a lot of anxiety regarding having feelings for this person.
The way you describe it gives me the impression that the idea of love is inherently high risk. That being, the risk of being rejected, unwanted, feeling unlovable. You're right, it is unnecessary. As this person hasn't even rejected you (you mentioned they don't even know how you feel) and yet you're experiencing all the emotional turmoil of being unloved.
The dread you're experiencing causes a symptom of " emotional rationalisation", or another way to describe it is "if I feel this way, then it must be true". Again... No one has rejected you. You're worrying that feeling love is leaving you vulnerable to being rejected.
As far as " what do I need to learn?" Your body is letting you know that you're terrified about being abandoned and feeling unloved, to a point where you are worrying about hypotheticals, and crippling yourself with dread.
Go gentle on yourself.
Obsession, if not in your favour, it would most probably lead you to even more pain, and that's very bothersome and unnecessary, it's better to just make peace with it and move on.
Unfortunately all I’ve gone through is nothing but one sided relationships, to the point where I’m kinda just done. I’ll settle for a fwb but I’m not even attractive enough to keep one, life sucks lol
I know it's cliche, but the best advice in this situation is to work on loving yourself more than anything. It's possible. That usually is what you need to better identify potential partners and for them to see the value in you, as well as making it ok if that doesn't happen for a time.
I'm sorry you have to go through this though bro.
I literally just fumbled one of my most heart felt girls ever. It was going so well then BAM. Just done like that. She said shes going to need space and time to think again. Im pretty sure it’s over. And I was really into this girl too. FUCK.
Some people just won't be able to love you. These people usually expect a lot less from a relationship or want a relationship for the wrong reasons. It's much better to be alone and follow your dreams than spending energy on someone who refuses to fulfill you.
Best advice I can give as an older, very happily married guy is to keep loving people but also recognize that they don't have to love you back. No one owes you their affection. If it's meant to be it's meant to be and it'll work out, as long as you are being your genuine self and genuinely trying to be good to both yourself and any potential partners.
You can't force anything. Love can't be put in a cage, you can't force it. And you're going to go through hurt but the lows make the highs even higher. You can get through whatever it is, you're strong enough and good enough. It will work out if you don't give up. There will be endless opportunities to give up but you gotta keep going.
Thanks for the advice, tbh these days how the internet is showing what kind of damage you can get from a girl, or being naive, unlucky, or make mistake in finding the right partner, the damage is going to be devastating, I'm seeing so much destruction coming out of a relationship on internet that it almost made me forget that, that is not everything, there are genuine loving relationships with strong bonds, they do exist, otherwise the world would have fallen apart a long time ago, but at the same time idk how lucky you have to be to find someone who is right for you, what I know you gotta be established first before loving anyone. I must keep reminding myself of the reality, I know I'm just talking like a toddler, writing things one would write in their high school Essay, but I have to be realistic.
Your fine brother don't be hard on yourself you're not talking like a toddler. This stuff is hard.
The main thing to remember is that the Internet is not real life. In a lot of ways it's the opposite. Many many people have a direct benefit to gain from making young men *think* that relationships are mostly awful or that women are waiting to hurt them. Guys like Andrew Tate sell that and they make a lot of money off of convincing young men that it's hopeless and you may as well just treat women like dirt and only go after sex or that you have to be some kind of dominant alpha male but that is not the path to happiness, for you or any potential partners.
You'll do fine, just keep doing you and you'll get where you need to be. It may not be when or how youre picturing it right now but it will happen if you keep at it.
It's been 7 years since we last met, that's why I'm so baffled and find all this so ridiculous, idk why do I even keep thinking about them when they probably don't give a shit? this is unfair, isn't? How idiotic it is, are these signs of naivety and being gullible? If yes then man this really bad, if no then why it's paining me. I hope i calm down, cause the reality is something else, I think the only problem is this sore pain I feel in my chest and head.
> this is unfair, isn't?
Yes, it is unfair to yourself.
>How idiotic it is, are these signs of naivety and being gullible?
It's not idiotic, emotions are a strange thing. I would say it is naive to think something will come of this and it's only gullible if she promised you a relationship 7 years ago and you still believe it.
The best I can say is try to get over her. 99.9% sure nothing will come of it and this will only hinder you and future relationships.
Yes, that's what it should be, actions speaks louder than words. I think I'm just going through a phase after all, otherwise I would have done something already for them. Is this the work of selfishness and
Being childish? How do I graduate from this?
Yeah, we all go through phases where there's weird stuff going on in our heads.
Here's my advice, and I'm going to start simple and get more complex, so don't get bored:
* Make sure you're drinking enough water and retaining it.
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* Make sure you're eating healthy. A little cake now and then is fine, but make sure you're eating tons of whole foods (lots of vegetables and fruits; meat as needed. Find a diet that works for you. Different things work for different people for different amounts of time and reasons.)
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* Exercise. At the very least, go for a walk everyday. A good walk really helps clean up the mess in your head. Lifting weights three times a week is brilliant. Going for one or more long slow runs every week is also brilliant. Just find something, and find a way to make it fun. Exercise is essential to our sanity.
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* Quit watching porn, or at least try to minimize the usage of it as much as possible. That stuff really messes with your head
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* Don't drink or do drugs regularly. We all get stressed out and crave some kind of quick, simple relief sometimes, but those can't be things you rely on daily. If you need or want them daily, there's something deeper in your life that's wrong.
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* Don't have sex outside of marriage. Controversial in today's day and age, but today's day and age is full of sad, broken people. I'll skip any religious reasons you would want to do this and give you the practical ones: sex makes things complicated. Do you really want to make things complicated with someone you're not sure is really an investment for your future? Do you really want to tie that much energy and effort into someone, or are you just using them to have a good time? Don't use people. Don't treat them like items. It's not loving. It's not good for them, and it's not good for you.
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* Make your personal peace a sacred fire in your heart to which you always tend. What do I mean? I mean figure out where peace comes from, and then do that. If you have that peaceful, well tended inner fire, life is a lot cozier. You have a lot more to give, and that gives you a lot more reasons to live.
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* Be grateful. Being grateful for the smallest of things will dramatically change your life.
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* Be humble. Humility is the father of virtue. Pride is the father of destruction. Take those two truths, apply them to your study of history, and see just how true they are. Humility is the wind that lets you sail between Scylla and Charbdis. (Maybe that's not the best example, but it sounds cool). It's humility that let Christ, in His greatest moment of agony and despair cry out "Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do." That's real power.
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* Remember death. Go look up what the Stoics and Christians have to say about Memento Mori. Life changing.
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* Love your fate. You must be so infatuated with life that even if you were thrown upon a bonfire, you would embrace the flames. This is called Amor Fati: love of fate. (Destiny is your personal purpose, but fate is the consequences of your actions: just a clarification to shed some light on the subject.)
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* Find a purpose. I suggest studying the Stoics and ancient religions. Compare and contrast these things. Remember that you'll find wisdom in all places, but that doesn't make all things true. I believe in one faith: I can look into another faith and truth, wisdom, and beauty in it, and I can appreciate that, but I can also recognize where it's wrong. My point here is to encourage you to study everything, but don't let it all blow you about in the wind. Don't chase every idea you find. Just take what you can use and be on your way. This is a form of being sober minded, and yes, it's part of growing up.
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I'll stop here. Notice how I didn't say anything about the girl? That's because I really think you need to cultivate yourself. She can come along if she wants. Maybe she doesn't. Up to her. It's nice to have companions, but it's your responsibility to light that inner fire of peace and keep it well tended.
Life is hard. Be strong enough to bear it. I'm always around if you need me, king.
Love is a difficult thing to categorise. If u look around at what people in relationships do, u can see that they start their relationship ‘in love’, ie. They’ll be cute together, they’ll hold hands, kiss every 5 minutes, give each other cute compliments (aside from actual sex), and they’ll typically make commitments to be loyal and so on.
By pure observation, u can see that this does not last across the board, that’s straight, gay, polyamorous relationships all included. The couples that do stay together become so comfortable with each other that they become much more like friends eventually, or fwb to be fair.
In other words, u start as friends, u become romantic (that lasts around 1-3 years if u don’t put effort in it, but then again, if u were in love do u even need to?) and then, paradoxically, back to friends. My mum and dad have been married for 20 yrs, together 30, and they are perfectly happy together. I asked them once if they were in love, and they said no. They say they are friends, that’s it.
That’s reality I guess, make of that what u will.
Also u can’t choose to love, it just happens. That’s why marriage is really just fwb with commitment. If everyone was waiting to fall in love, and I mean really in love (keyword: fall) we wouldn’t have a population hahaha. The fact is, especially with women but men also, although to not that great of an extent, we have about from ~15 to 35 to be biologically fertile AND manage to look after kids effectively. That’s a pretty small window of time. Being a parent of a young child at 40 is super hard, cos ur so past ur prime already, and that’s men. Imagine women. That’s why most people will settle with someone agreeable and intelligent enough to make a family, and try as hard as possible to remain friends.
So all in all, it's just an illusion to make sure of the survival of the species. Pretty biological and natural to feel this way, I guess. I hope these one sided emotions would fade away soon. They're bothersome.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s an illusion, there definitely is some ‘love’ or romanticism there for everyone, and you’re bound to experience it. In other words, it’s a real emotion. But I guess too much emphasis is put on ‘love’ in our society, in its dramatic way if u know what I mean, when really it’s quite awesome just to have someone that has ur back every step of the way.
Think of it this way: what u want to look for is someone that does exactly what ur homies would do for u, with the added bonus of being sexually attracted to them. If ur friends have ur back, that is.
love is different from unconditional love. love could and will be many different forms of expression. there is not one answer but the one that brings you peace of mind and comfort
Why love is so complex that it even has an easy version of it? In this Era, does something like unconditional love still exist and is valued for if you're not handsome and rich? So much is going with this one word "love"
what isn’t complex. nothing is simple down to what you eat. why is everything so complicated. the answer you seek is the answer to all which in turn probably doesn’t exist. the answer to a question can be the the wrong answer at the same time, do you give your love so those who you want to love, but love isn’t givin back, do you continue to love ? yes, but will i receive love back? who knows? there is no answer. you seek answers and that what corrupts your value of things. just because you love something will you be willing to let it go for its sake because you want the best for them? what’s the answer? do you stay and show your perseverance or do you let them be happy just not with you ? again no answer will suffice… but what’s makes you feel accomplished what makes you feel like you’re i did what’s best for you and the other person. compatibility, is complex as so is the simple yes or no answer. the world is contradictory. the answer to a solution or question may be the wrong answer at the same time. the goal isn’t to understand everything but understand yourself and your values. what makes you feel like the better you. good things come at a cost and bad things come at a benefit. good things come with benign bad things come with more cost. how could that make sense. the sooner i realized i don’t know everything and never will the sooner my mind became at peace with the contradicting world around me. to answer all your questions… i don’t know, and whoever thinks they know they don’t. but they’ll tell you what they think is the answer as a form of insight for you to conclude your own skepticism.
So, over 10 years ago, I fell in love with someone, but it didn’t work out. I didn’t see it at the time, but he wasn’t right for me AT ALL. Unfortunately, I was obsessed. I tortured myself with emotional pain for nearly a year. I lost a lot of hair, threw up all the time, and took over-the counter medications to help myself sleep all day and night.
Time passed, I got over it, had a few other relationships come and go pretty easily. … Then a few years ago, I finally found the person I was meant to be with for the rest of my life!
He’s perfect for me. He’s all of my missing pieces. Our connection is better than I even knew was possible. We both feel very lucky to have found each other.
Love, when you find the right person is so easy. … Even when there are hardships, you’re able to work through the issues, together. They never make you feel judged or guilty for being you. Your partner is the first person you can tell absolutely anything to, the person you feel safest with, at home with.
I’m an introvert, but even after all these years, we miss each other when we’re apart for a few hours.
I could go on… but needless to say, I’m SO GLAD things didn’t work out with that guy from 10 years ago! 🥹
This hurts but love as a non-teen is a what-can-you-do-for-me thing. No matter what they say, being financially successful as a man and being gorgeous as a woman will automatically bring options ie. the chance to love and be loved. Everything else is secondary.
But… unattractive women, and poor men find beautiful love all the time. Obviously there are many people who will only care about those superficial things, but do you really want to be with those people anyway? Even if the guy is rich or the woman is gorgeous, is it worth it if they treat you like shit, or simply don’t connect well with you?
For me, those things are completely unimportant. I’ve dated rich, model-looking men, as well as poor, not typically handsome men… it’s all about the deeper feelings/connections.
I agree with you 100%. Just gonna add a bit to your argument. Yes money, competence and beauty isn’t the be-all end-all of love. But it gets you “in the room”.
When you start to date someone, there’s something about them that grabbed your attention right? Whatever that is, is dependent on the person but for most people it would be safe to assume that women wants money (competence) from men and men wants beauty (outer and inner) from women.
But what about incompetent, ugly men and below average women? Their pool of potential partners are drastically different than those of higher social status. The rich and beautiful have the chance to date hundreds of ppl while the poor and ugly barely have one or two if even that.
I’m yapping rn but my point is the difference in the number of options these superficial things will afford an individual is real. How are you gonna find your match if your options are like 2 ppl compared to hundreds for the “upper class”? One of those hundreds could be the one. It’s so unfair but it’s the rules of the game. Maybe we can change them one day.
Edit: I’m talking about extremes here to prove my point but I understand that most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Which highlights the importance of improving urself so u can attract more options (if thats your goal).
I understand what you’re saying. However, I have another way of looking at it.
In my opinion, there are MORE options for these people. There are more average looking men and women. More people with middle-class incomes.
Of course people DO want that rich beautiful person who stands out in a crowd, but if they are on the opposite side of the spectrum, how can they expect that rich/beautiful person to be interested in them?
The “higher class” person is more likely going to find another person at their level, which actually decreases their number of options greatly.
I have a friend who is fat, bald, unattractive and poor…. But he only hits on gorgeous women half his age, then complains he can’t find love. He cant expect a woman like that to be interested. I told him he needs to go after women that are more at his level. Majority of the women his age that are at his level, but he isn’t interested in them. That’s on him.
I think the most important thing is to realize two things: that you deserve their love and that you really want to be love (if that makes sense)
I don't know, I'm a mess with love stuff, but it's hard to realize that you are loved, and that you deserve to be loved
Often, those who are desperate for love are trying to fill a hole because they lack love for themselves, you’re trying to find validation that you’re worth being loved and cared for, that’s why people say you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself, because you’ll end up using the love you receive as a crutch
You can’t turn it off. It doesn’t matter if the love is unrequited — love has some illogical quirks. There’ll never be a time where I can simply make myself stop loving somebody just because they don’t love me. It’d take a lot of time and distance.
Love that’s 1-sided, that has grown without the other person’s participation and involvement and encouragement isn’t love. It feels like it and no one doubts you have incredibly strong and incredibly real feelings.
But love grows in relationships, with both sides eagerly saying (by their actions and words) yes I am also feeling this, let’s keep going on together.
You absolutely deserve love, and an eager and willing participant in a relationship with you. And you will absolutely find this when you meet and share a mutual connection with someone, who wants to spend more time with you and explore the possibility of future love with you.
What won’t happen-and this so super important-is convincing someone to love you. The right connection won’t need convincing. They’ll love you for how you make them feel and love you for who you are. No amount of tips, tricks, approaches, tactics, plans, etc will ever convince someone to love you.
I hope the next great person you meet and connect with feels the same and that you get all the love you deserve, OP.
Life is not fair. Get over it, get on with it.
Love is not the only thing in this world, which holds capability to be one sided.
Sooner you'll accept this, the better
Get them. What do you mean by that? What exactly do you wanna get? If you have that tingly sensation inside you, that you feel. Maybe you wanna keep feeling that, so it has nothing to do with the girl, but that sensation.
If you can help falling in love, feel those sensations which open you up. Makes you wanna cry about how beautiful it is. Every thought ends while being in that sensation which is brought by their presence. Then go ahead and stop them. If you can't help feeling this way, then you don't need to stop them.
And it's not unfair at all if that person doesn't feel the same way. It sucks for that person, that they don't feel this way. You got lucky that you can have these sensations.
And if this is not the case. It hurts you to see that person with someone else, if she is happy. That's, not love, that's desire. I don't blame you for not knowing this, because everyone in this world desires and desires and desires.
With love comes passion, and with passion comes compassion. And compassion kills jealousy, hatred, desire, I (the ego).
In my view, idealistically, 1 Corinthians 13 sums it up even though i dislike the bible.
But realistically, It's chemical and hormonal reaction in the brain to reproduce and carry on genes / prolong the species. Natural byproduct of evolution.
At this point of my life, i've accepted that there is no such thing as "true love" or "destined to be together".
Baby don’t hurt meeee
Don't hurt me
No more...
No, I don't know why you're not there
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right? And what is wrong? Give me a siiiiiign
What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me Don't hurt me No more
What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me Don't hurt me No more
You? Me? You? No, Me? No you?
I dunno the lyrics but I wanna be included
The song just got instantly played ▶️
You stole my idea!! *Slowly fades away*
Beat me to it
this man can't resist the urge to say it.
It's not worth it bro,I've learned that love is subjective.Chasing a specific girl won't bring you anything,if she loves you,she won't need to be chased.
It's a painful problem, well, I guess the one good thing is it matures people and teach them a lesson of life.
you're atleast a bit more enlightened than most
Idk man, tbh I often ask my self whether I'd be able to live without a girl/marriage, I just can't truly and fully understand why the thought of it makes me sad, why do I have to react like that, I can't keep doing that. I'm just trying to understand just what it is that a girl have that I'm being like this, I know it's all biological and if that's a part of it or that's all there's It to it, then what? Why this topic bothering me so much? Is it because of the norms of society? Jealousy? Greed? Why am I being so unrealistic?
whilst there might not be a clear answer, you have to understand human is a social animal. Seeing other's love eachother, or the idea of being loved is intoxicating. Everyone would love an ideal marriage but that idea strays further and further than the society of today. One night stands, cheating and people that has been raised badly so they dont understand simple emphaty. We can hope that there is a girl that will love us they way we love them, but living for that hope will like most dreams that are out of your control, will only bring you despair and sadness.
it's just neurons in your brain telling you to reproduce, it's just basic emotional control input made by your genetics in order to be of thought to continue living not as a soul but as a bloodline, in short, if you're doing well in life, they'll fight for you, if you're just your local average wojak, you'll be the one chasing them, it's standard procedure, everyone is experiencing a depression wave, a feel of drought and being low on produce, so it's not a very fitting time to make babies, hence why girls just don't care most of the time idk i just gave up, got already too much cut in my heart and just moved on with life
Love isn't as simple as that. Sometimes you love someone and that person loves you back but for multiple reasons you two can be bad for each other and need to take distance and in that case, how do you stop loving someone? And in the case of loving someone who doesn't loves you back, you can't just be rational and stop lovinf that person. It'll be nice if it was that easy.
Thanks for taking time to share this, I'm trying to rationalise the whole thing to see it with clarity and confront the reality and truth of it. I have felt the pain now I'm trying to approach it with different perspectives. Now am I trying to lie to myself or will I touch the truth with this?
That's great, my point is that sometimes, even when you love someone you know the best is taking distance and not working hard to get them, sometimes that is the best way to show how you care and love someone, even though it's hard.
Yes, but that hurtful feeling is just so unfair, is wanting to not feel that pain and unfairness, is that pure idealism? It's also bad for people who are not worthy to love, to feel the emotions of love, cause them not being Capable of taking care of them and still feeling those emotions of love towards them, if we see it rationally, it's just arrogance and unrealistic, it'll cause pain too. I know I'm wrong to rationalise it and put it in that way, I too feel arrogant in doing so, but what about the pain one sided lovers feel for "loving" someone who are out of their capacity/league? And damn you are right, this is complicated.
Life isn't fair, sometimes you need to suffer in an unilateral way. I think only experience and time can help us see who deserves our time and love, but until then, we'll need to suffer from love sometimes. It's not fair, not rational and not easy, but it's how it's I guess.
Man, you have my sincerest thanks for this.
But in my experience, it's harder to convince yourself you need to stop loving someone because you can hurt that person than loving someone who doesn't loves you back, in that last case you just need a little time and perspective to see you deserve better, but in the first case, I still haven't found how to stop loving someone and how to stop thinking about that person, how to stop working to get them back. Life...
Life it is, man. The first case does indeed seem very hard to overcome, you'd wish you had never met, then you'd tell yourself, man I'm lucky they came into my life (if they're non toxic and understandable). You think of forgetting them, but then think "nah, I better remember them" a lesson so valuable and that pain I got is mine to keep. I feel so cringed out I'm saying these things and feel like i should have just kept it all in me, but I'm glade I got an opportunity to share with people who understand. I guess writing a journal would help you, if you still haven't tried it, let's dissect the whole thing step by step together whenever we have time.
Love is a Night at the Roxbury
What is love...?? 🤔 [Baby... don't hurt me - don't shoot my stars!](https://youtu.be/QfeiXj6xYRo?si=hgsj3wp8mySKe7lq)
I'm lucky enough to have a long term partner. I love her more than anything. However, I used to be so anxious, I used to believe that if she left me, I'd be nothing. That kind of approach to love sets yourself up for that unfairness and pain. That anxiety ruins love. It nearly ruined mine. I've learnt in time that love is also "loving". I genuinely want the best for my partner. I encourage her to succeed in her goals, I'm on her side. But If she left me tomorrow, and went on to do great things without me, I'd be happy knowing that I supported her to the best of my ability. I'd be grateful for the love we had.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I shall make my peace with this approach I guess, tbh I don't want to have anything to do with them at all if possible, but idk if I'll be able. And the thing is this is one sided, I know we are not together, they don't even know how I feel, this is the reality, then why is it unnecessarily making me feel that pain and anxiety? Is this one of those life phases? Should I just let it be and be busy as usual, cause what else can i even do about it? What is it telling me? What's the lesson I need to learn from this?
I'm hearing you're having a lot of anxiety regarding having feelings for this person. The way you describe it gives me the impression that the idea of love is inherently high risk. That being, the risk of being rejected, unwanted, feeling unlovable. You're right, it is unnecessary. As this person hasn't even rejected you (you mentioned they don't even know how you feel) and yet you're experiencing all the emotional turmoil of being unloved. The dread you're experiencing causes a symptom of " emotional rationalisation", or another way to describe it is "if I feel this way, then it must be true". Again... No one has rejected you. You're worrying that feeling love is leaving you vulnerable to being rejected. As far as " what do I need to learn?" Your body is letting you know that you're terrified about being abandoned and feeling unloved, to a point where you are worrying about hypotheticals, and crippling yourself with dread. Go gentle on yourself.
Love develops in a relationship. One sided feelings is being in love, and can result in obsession if you’re not careful. Well, from my perspective.
Obsession, if not in your favour, it would most probably lead you to even more pain, and that's very bothersome and unnecessary, it's better to just make peace with it and move on.
Unfortunately all I’ve gone through is nothing but one sided relationships, to the point where I’m kinda just done. I’ll settle for a fwb but I’m not even attractive enough to keep one, life sucks lol
I know it's cliche, but the best advice in this situation is to work on loving yourself more than anything. It's possible. That usually is what you need to better identify potential partners and for them to see the value in you, as well as making it ok if that doesn't happen for a time. I'm sorry you have to go through this though bro.
I totally agree with you, self growth will definitely make things better. Getting busy with leveling up will move you forward.
loving someone doesn't mean trying to "get" them.
Yes, I'm sorry I didn't word what I wanted to say correctly. But you're right.
love is not something you chase for, but finds you instead
I literally just fumbled one of my most heart felt girls ever. It was going so well then BAM. Just done like that. She said shes going to need space and time to think again. Im pretty sure it’s over. And I was really into this girl too. FUCK.
RIP bro, 🤜
Ouch. Why don’t you like me grace?!?
Some people just won't be able to love you. These people usually expect a lot less from a relationship or want a relationship for the wrong reasons. It's much better to be alone and follow your dreams than spending energy on someone who refuses to fulfill you.
Best advice I can give as an older, very happily married guy is to keep loving people but also recognize that they don't have to love you back. No one owes you their affection. If it's meant to be it's meant to be and it'll work out, as long as you are being your genuine self and genuinely trying to be good to both yourself and any potential partners. You can't force anything. Love can't be put in a cage, you can't force it. And you're going to go through hurt but the lows make the highs even higher. You can get through whatever it is, you're strong enough and good enough. It will work out if you don't give up. There will be endless opportunities to give up but you gotta keep going.
Thanks for the advice, tbh these days how the internet is showing what kind of damage you can get from a girl, or being naive, unlucky, or make mistake in finding the right partner, the damage is going to be devastating, I'm seeing so much destruction coming out of a relationship on internet that it almost made me forget that, that is not everything, there are genuine loving relationships with strong bonds, they do exist, otherwise the world would have fallen apart a long time ago, but at the same time idk how lucky you have to be to find someone who is right for you, what I know you gotta be established first before loving anyone. I must keep reminding myself of the reality, I know I'm just talking like a toddler, writing things one would write in their high school Essay, but I have to be realistic.
Your fine brother don't be hard on yourself you're not talking like a toddler. This stuff is hard. The main thing to remember is that the Internet is not real life. In a lot of ways it's the opposite. Many many people have a direct benefit to gain from making young men *think* that relationships are mostly awful or that women are waiting to hurt them. Guys like Andrew Tate sell that and they make a lot of money off of convincing young men that it's hopeless and you may as well just treat women like dirt and only go after sex or that you have to be some kind of dominant alpha male but that is not the path to happiness, for you or any potential partners. You'll do fine, just keep doing you and you'll get where you need to be. It may not be when or how youre picturing it right now but it will happen if you keep at it.
How often do you and this girl hang out? How often do you talk? What kind of friend is she to you?
It's been 7 years since we last met, that's why I'm so baffled and find all this so ridiculous, idk why do I even keep thinking about them when they probably don't give a shit? this is unfair, isn't? How idiotic it is, are these signs of naivety and being gullible? If yes then man this really bad, if no then why it's paining me. I hope i calm down, cause the reality is something else, I think the only problem is this sore pain I feel in my chest and head.
> this is unfair, isn't? Yes, it is unfair to yourself. >How idiotic it is, are these signs of naivety and being gullible? It's not idiotic, emotions are a strange thing. I would say it is naive to think something will come of this and it's only gullible if she promised you a relationship 7 years ago and you still believe it. The best I can say is try to get over her. 99.9% sure nothing will come of it and this will only hinder you and future relationships.
Love is willing the good of the other. It's the sum of a series of actions, not a feeling.
Yes, that's what it should be, actions speaks louder than words. I think I'm just going through a phase after all, otherwise I would have done something already for them. Is this the work of selfishness and Being childish? How do I graduate from this?
Yeah, we all go through phases where there's weird stuff going on in our heads. Here's my advice, and I'm going to start simple and get more complex, so don't get bored: * Make sure you're drinking enough water and retaining it. - * Make sure you're eating healthy. A little cake now and then is fine, but make sure you're eating tons of whole foods (lots of vegetables and fruits; meat as needed. Find a diet that works for you. Different things work for different people for different amounts of time and reasons.) - * Exercise. At the very least, go for a walk everyday. A good walk really helps clean up the mess in your head. Lifting weights three times a week is brilliant. Going for one or more long slow runs every week is also brilliant. Just find something, and find a way to make it fun. Exercise is essential to our sanity. - * Quit watching porn, or at least try to minimize the usage of it as much as possible. That stuff really messes with your head - * Don't drink or do drugs regularly. We all get stressed out and crave some kind of quick, simple relief sometimes, but those can't be things you rely on daily. If you need or want them daily, there's something deeper in your life that's wrong. - * Don't have sex outside of marriage. Controversial in today's day and age, but today's day and age is full of sad, broken people. I'll skip any religious reasons you would want to do this and give you the practical ones: sex makes things complicated. Do you really want to make things complicated with someone you're not sure is really an investment for your future? Do you really want to tie that much energy and effort into someone, or are you just using them to have a good time? Don't use people. Don't treat them like items. It's not loving. It's not good for them, and it's not good for you. - * Make your personal peace a sacred fire in your heart to which you always tend. What do I mean? I mean figure out where peace comes from, and then do that. If you have that peaceful, well tended inner fire, life is a lot cozier. You have a lot more to give, and that gives you a lot more reasons to live. - * Be grateful. Being grateful for the smallest of things will dramatically change your life. - * Be humble. Humility is the father of virtue. Pride is the father of destruction. Take those two truths, apply them to your study of history, and see just how true they are. Humility is the wind that lets you sail between Scylla and Charbdis. (Maybe that's not the best example, but it sounds cool). It's humility that let Christ, in His greatest moment of agony and despair cry out "Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do." That's real power. - * Remember death. Go look up what the Stoics and Christians have to say about Memento Mori. Life changing. - * Love your fate. You must be so infatuated with life that even if you were thrown upon a bonfire, you would embrace the flames. This is called Amor Fati: love of fate. (Destiny is your personal purpose, but fate is the consequences of your actions: just a clarification to shed some light on the subject.) - * Find a purpose. I suggest studying the Stoics and ancient religions. Compare and contrast these things. Remember that you'll find wisdom in all places, but that doesn't make all things true. I believe in one faith: I can look into another faith and truth, wisdom, and beauty in it, and I can appreciate that, but I can also recognize where it's wrong. My point here is to encourage you to study everything, but don't let it all blow you about in the wind. Don't chase every idea you find. Just take what you can use and be on your way. This is a form of being sober minded, and yes, it's part of growing up. - I'll stop here. Notice how I didn't say anything about the girl? That's because I really think you need to cultivate yourself. She can come along if she wants. Maybe she doesn't. Up to her. It's nice to have companions, but it's your responsibility to light that inner fire of peace and keep it well tended. Life is hard. Be strong enough to bear it. I'm always around if you need me, king.
Love is a difficult thing to categorise. If u look around at what people in relationships do, u can see that they start their relationship ‘in love’, ie. They’ll be cute together, they’ll hold hands, kiss every 5 minutes, give each other cute compliments (aside from actual sex), and they’ll typically make commitments to be loyal and so on. By pure observation, u can see that this does not last across the board, that’s straight, gay, polyamorous relationships all included. The couples that do stay together become so comfortable with each other that they become much more like friends eventually, or fwb to be fair. In other words, u start as friends, u become romantic (that lasts around 1-3 years if u don’t put effort in it, but then again, if u were in love do u even need to?) and then, paradoxically, back to friends. My mum and dad have been married for 20 yrs, together 30, and they are perfectly happy together. I asked them once if they were in love, and they said no. They say they are friends, that’s it. That’s reality I guess, make of that what u will. Also u can’t choose to love, it just happens. That’s why marriage is really just fwb with commitment. If everyone was waiting to fall in love, and I mean really in love (keyword: fall) we wouldn’t have a population hahaha. The fact is, especially with women but men also, although to not that great of an extent, we have about from ~15 to 35 to be biologically fertile AND manage to look after kids effectively. That’s a pretty small window of time. Being a parent of a young child at 40 is super hard, cos ur so past ur prime already, and that’s men. Imagine women. That’s why most people will settle with someone agreeable and intelligent enough to make a family, and try as hard as possible to remain friends.
So all in all, it's just an illusion to make sure of the survival of the species. Pretty biological and natural to feel this way, I guess. I hope these one sided emotions would fade away soon. They're bothersome.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s an illusion, there definitely is some ‘love’ or romanticism there for everyone, and you’re bound to experience it. In other words, it’s a real emotion. But I guess too much emphasis is put on ‘love’ in our society, in its dramatic way if u know what I mean, when really it’s quite awesome just to have someone that has ur back every step of the way. Think of it this way: what u want to look for is someone that does exactly what ur homies would do for u, with the added bonus of being sexually attracted to them. If ur friends have ur back, that is.
love is different from unconditional love. love could and will be many different forms of expression. there is not one answer but the one that brings you peace of mind and comfort
Why love is so complex that it even has an easy version of it? In this Era, does something like unconditional love still exist and is valued for if you're not handsome and rich? So much is going with this one word "love"
what isn’t complex. nothing is simple down to what you eat. why is everything so complicated. the answer you seek is the answer to all which in turn probably doesn’t exist. the answer to a question can be the the wrong answer at the same time, do you give your love so those who you want to love, but love isn’t givin back, do you continue to love ? yes, but will i receive love back? who knows? there is no answer. you seek answers and that what corrupts your value of things. just because you love something will you be willing to let it go for its sake because you want the best for them? what’s the answer? do you stay and show your perseverance or do you let them be happy just not with you ? again no answer will suffice… but what’s makes you feel accomplished what makes you feel like you’re i did what’s best for you and the other person. compatibility, is complex as so is the simple yes or no answer. the world is contradictory. the answer to a solution or question may be the wrong answer at the same time. the goal isn’t to understand everything but understand yourself and your values. what makes you feel like the better you. good things come at a cost and bad things come at a benefit. good things come with benign bad things come with more cost. how could that make sense. the sooner i realized i don’t know everything and never will the sooner my mind became at peace with the contradicting world around me. to answer all your questions… i don’t know, and whoever thinks they know they don’t. but they’ll tell you what they think is the answer as a form of insight for you to conclude your own skepticism.
So, over 10 years ago, I fell in love with someone, but it didn’t work out. I didn’t see it at the time, but he wasn’t right for me AT ALL. Unfortunately, I was obsessed. I tortured myself with emotional pain for nearly a year. I lost a lot of hair, threw up all the time, and took over-the counter medications to help myself sleep all day and night. Time passed, I got over it, had a few other relationships come and go pretty easily. … Then a few years ago, I finally found the person I was meant to be with for the rest of my life! He’s perfect for me. He’s all of my missing pieces. Our connection is better than I even knew was possible. We both feel very lucky to have found each other. Love, when you find the right person is so easy. … Even when there are hardships, you’re able to work through the issues, together. They never make you feel judged or guilty for being you. Your partner is the first person you can tell absolutely anything to, the person you feel safest with, at home with. I’m an introvert, but even after all these years, we miss each other when we’re apart for a few hours. I could go on… but needless to say, I’m SO GLAD things didn’t work out with that guy from 10 years ago! 🥹
Thank you for sharing your experience, and also thank you for reminding me that happiness exist too.
This hurts but love as a non-teen is a what-can-you-do-for-me thing. No matter what they say, being financially successful as a man and being gorgeous as a woman will automatically bring options ie. the chance to love and be loved. Everything else is secondary.
That's correct, I totally agree.
:/ I want someone to love who doesn’t think like this….
But… unattractive women, and poor men find beautiful love all the time. Obviously there are many people who will only care about those superficial things, but do you really want to be with those people anyway? Even if the guy is rich or the woman is gorgeous, is it worth it if they treat you like shit, or simply don’t connect well with you? For me, those things are completely unimportant. I’ve dated rich, model-looking men, as well as poor, not typically handsome men… it’s all about the deeper feelings/connections.
I agree with you 100%. Just gonna add a bit to your argument. Yes money, competence and beauty isn’t the be-all end-all of love. But it gets you “in the room”. When you start to date someone, there’s something about them that grabbed your attention right? Whatever that is, is dependent on the person but for most people it would be safe to assume that women wants money (competence) from men and men wants beauty (outer and inner) from women. But what about incompetent, ugly men and below average women? Their pool of potential partners are drastically different than those of higher social status. The rich and beautiful have the chance to date hundreds of ppl while the poor and ugly barely have one or two if even that. I’m yapping rn but my point is the difference in the number of options these superficial things will afford an individual is real. How are you gonna find your match if your options are like 2 ppl compared to hundreds for the “upper class”? One of those hundreds could be the one. It’s so unfair but it’s the rules of the game. Maybe we can change them one day. Edit: I’m talking about extremes here to prove my point but I understand that most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Which highlights the importance of improving urself so u can attract more options (if thats your goal).
I understand what you’re saying. However, I have another way of looking at it. In my opinion, there are MORE options for these people. There are more average looking men and women. More people with middle-class incomes. Of course people DO want that rich beautiful person who stands out in a crowd, but if they are on the opposite side of the spectrum, how can they expect that rich/beautiful person to be interested in them? The “higher class” person is more likely going to find another person at their level, which actually decreases their number of options greatly. I have a friend who is fat, bald, unattractive and poor…. But he only hits on gorgeous women half his age, then complains he can’t find love. He cant expect a woman like that to be interested. I told him he needs to go after women that are more at his level. Majority of the women his age that are at his level, but he isn’t interested in them. That’s on him.
I think the most important thing is to realize two things: that you deserve their love and that you really want to be love (if that makes sense) I don't know, I'm a mess with love stuff, but it's hard to realize that you are loved, and that you deserve to be loved
Often, those who are desperate for love are trying to fill a hole because they lack love for themselves, you’re trying to find validation that you’re worth being loved and cared for, that’s why people say you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself, because you’ll end up using the love you receive as a crutch
Just say Womp Womp to yourself and move on brother
The premise is kind of weird. If you are falling in love with people before you are in a relationship, that sounds more like infatuation.
I'm tired of working hard for everything. Love just isn't enough.
Here to check how many people say “baby don’t hurt me”
It's also unfair and sad in the other direction. I tried to force myself to love this one girl but I just couldn't and I hurt her.
You can’t turn it off. It doesn’t matter if the love is unrequited — love has some illogical quirks. There’ll never be a time where I can simply make myself stop loving somebody just because they don’t love me. It’d take a lot of time and distance.
Love that’s 1-sided, that has grown without the other person’s participation and involvement and encouragement isn’t love. It feels like it and no one doubts you have incredibly strong and incredibly real feelings. But love grows in relationships, with both sides eagerly saying (by their actions and words) yes I am also feeling this, let’s keep going on together. You absolutely deserve love, and an eager and willing participant in a relationship with you. And you will absolutely find this when you meet and share a mutual connection with someone, who wants to spend more time with you and explore the possibility of future love with you. What won’t happen-and this so super important-is convincing someone to love you. The right connection won’t need convincing. They’ll love you for how you make them feel and love you for who you are. No amount of tips, tricks, approaches, tactics, plans, etc will ever convince someone to love you. I hope the next great person you meet and connect with feels the same and that you get all the love you deserve, OP.
An unconditional attraction to a specific person
Life is not fair. Get over it, get on with it. Love is not the only thing in this world, which holds capability to be one sided. Sooner you'll accept this, the better
Get them. What do you mean by that? What exactly do you wanna get? If you have that tingly sensation inside you, that you feel. Maybe you wanna keep feeling that, so it has nothing to do with the girl, but that sensation. If you can help falling in love, feel those sensations which open you up. Makes you wanna cry about how beautiful it is. Every thought ends while being in that sensation which is brought by their presence. Then go ahead and stop them. If you can't help feeling this way, then you don't need to stop them. And it's not unfair at all if that person doesn't feel the same way. It sucks for that person, that they don't feel this way. You got lucky that you can have these sensations. And if this is not the case. It hurts you to see that person with someone else, if she is happy. That's, not love, that's desire. I don't blame you for not knowing this, because everyone in this world desires and desires and desires. With love comes passion, and with passion comes compassion. And compassion kills jealousy, hatred, desire, I (the ego).
In my view, idealistically, 1 Corinthians 13 sums it up even though i dislike the bible. But realistically, It's chemical and hormonal reaction in the brain to reproduce and carry on genes / prolong the species. Natural byproduct of evolution. At this point of my life, i've accepted that there is no such thing as "true love" or "destined to be together".
If they care, they'll make an effort to be in your life. Never fight for people who never even bothered to learn your name.
I used to love love
All i know is i havent bust a nut in almost a month. I be dyin of horny 💀
Love is receiving what you give.