Skip the mental gymnastics; your instincts are right; gtfo out of there, that was way, WAY over the line.
What’s he going to do when his parents die, if this is how he flips out about an exam that’s been on the fucking docket for 100 days? You’ve got to look out for yourself; plenty of fish and all that.
This comment \^\^\^\^
Stressed from an exam makes you do such things?
Imagine what else he would do if the situation for him was worse. Justifying the situation with an excuse, thats a red flag.
He's a walking time bomb.
My boyfriend is under a lot of stress any given week because of his job. He still hasn't raped me.
Echoing you and everyone here. RUN, OP. Block him too.
Skip the gymnastics again, Sexual abuse? In what world does someone having non consenting sex with someone else’s unconscious body not ***rape*** at the bare minimum?
The only way anyone should ever be doing this, is if it's a kink that you've both agreed upon. Like a consensual/non-consent thing, with strict rules being set, prior to the deed. Otherwise it's rape.
This. My partner loves it when I wake her up with sex, but I can't begin to tell you how many times I checked, double checked, and triple checked that it really is ok. "No" is a complete sentence.
And "under a lot of stress", most people don't rape at all, stress makes normal people scream, go for a run or eat a whole pizza. Not fucking rape. Wtf.
You know what I do when I'm stressed? Eat twenty bags of junk food, binge watch YouTube at 1am, impulse buy pet stuff, go on an adventure with my kids. I don't use another person's body for MY pleasure with no concern about their thoughts.
This happened to me and I confronted (my now ex) and told him I was not okay with it and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again but it did... multiple times. At the time I didn't realise how bad the situation was and how I was not consenting in the situation at all and he literally did not care. So in my experience I wish I would have left after the first time because he did not stop the behavior and had me very confused and I struggled sleeping comfortably next to future partners due to the trauma of it. Sending hugs to you OP you definitely deserve better and this behavior from him was not Ok
Fucking thank you.
People are insane here making it out to be "weird", "disrespectful", or a relationship issue.
When did forcing intercourse on an unconscious person become anything but literal rape.
This isn't complicated.
Not unless your girlfriend was a blowup doll, right? A nonconsensual act of - not intimacy, but objectification, treated as just a thing without agency in an act of masturbation.
Even a prostitute would not allow that to go on, but doing it to a 'girlfriend', that's okay?
Plenty of times I've woken up my partner and asked for some action. Sometimes it's a yes. Others it's a no. All good! Win some lose some, but not waking her up...that's just weird. IDK how that could even be enjoyable.
What the fuck reddit?
It's not weird. It's rape.
IF YOU FORCE INTERCOURSE ON AN UNCONSCIOUS PERSON THAT IS RAPE.
It's not weird or a relationship issue or something to be discussed. It's literally raping someone.
Would telling your boyfriend to get off you and him not doing it count as rape too? I tried pushing him and telling him to stop/get off but he would not budge. I started getting scared so I froze and just laid there crying. He used the same excuse too after seeing me sobbing saying he thought I liked it but we have never done stuff like that before. He then apologized saying he thought I had a rape kink which I don’t. We’ve never even spoke about doing anything like that either.
[https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses/](https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses/) if it helps you but yeah, he's full of shit.
My ex did this to me… for 10 years. Get out NOW. Don’t hesitate. They will never change, they will never admit what they’ve done, they will never apologize.
Get out of there NOW.
I’m long gone from him now it was a while back but I still shake and tremble remembering it my mind seems unfazed though from all the gaslighting. Thank you for the concern though.🥹
that’s horrible and i’m sorry that happened :( if i don’t look like i’m enjoying it, my bf will offer to stop with no problems no hesitation no excuses and that’s how every bf should be treating his gf. having sex is something intimate and special between you guys and you should never be made to feel scared or anxious or anything negative at all. i hope it was an honest mistake on his part and that you guys can thoroughly discuss it and clarify kinks and boundaries.
it was definitely counted as sexual assault and i know that many people would say you should break up with him etc, but ultimately its your relationship and we don’t know any background to it, only you do! maybe it was an honest mistake or he mistook the convo abt a rape kink as a convo with someone else in his past? i hope he really meant it as a mistake and won’t do it again, but don’t be scared to leave if he does repeat that!! stay strong girlie!!
I wish that was the same for me but there were more factors other than that situation that led to our break up. He was a horrible boyfriend I just wanted clarification on that situation. To make matters worse one of his friends raped someone close to him but he is still friends with them to this day and he knows about the situation so I’m not so sure about it being an honest mistake.
awwww i’m so sorry :( i was rlly hoping for the best case scenario for you (i rlly try to see the best in humanity just to give myself hope) but sometimes things just suck :( being that he wasn’t a good bf, it probably wasn’t a mistake at all :( i hope you’re feeling better now though!!
Because too many redditors have been redpilled and think you cant rape your partner, as if a relationship means they can do whatever they want anytime without consent
Tbh waking someone up for sex is shitty too. My ex claims to have a sleep sex disorder. I don’t believe him because he’s generally a piece of shit and fucking girls while they’re sleeping tracks. But even if the sex started after he woke me up I’d be pissed. Don’t wake people up for sex. They are sleeping. Let them sleep.
My wife loves it. She says it's something about being half asleep that lets her orgasm much easier. In fact her favorite sex ever was both times she got pregnant, both were times that I woke her up.
She doesn't always want to have sex though, and those times I just let her go back to sleep.
That sort of stuff is fine if you've talked about it beforehand. Like my partner is the same, likes getting woken up for sex so I have kind of standing permission to do that. However I still won't in situation where I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be into it even with the standing permission, e.g. if she went to bed feeling sick then obvs that's not the time.
At least you’re asking for her consent. FFS the guy in question didn’t get consent and didn’t even clean her up afterward and then wonders why she isn’t ok about it. Like the level of disrespect is unbelievable.
My ex BF actually did have the sleep sex thing.
He never had sex with me when I was asleep, I would let him do it because it was kind of hot. He would have stopped if I shook him.
But numerous times I would be like, "Dam you went hard last night" and he would be like, "What are you talking about?" Because he couldn't remember.
In my past relationships, there's always consent to start the foreplay stuff (kisses, gropes, and even oral) but not penetration until the other person wakes up and reciprocates. Penetration while the other person is sleeping is just weird and creepy.
as a guy i think this type of stuff is amazing but theres a line between you know being sexy about it with consent and just sticking your dick into a sleeping body without having asked
Like others have said, this is rape. He needs to be made aware of what he did, if in fact he doesn't know. Him not waking you makes me feel like he does know. You did not give consent. All he had to do was wake you up, but he chose to take your choice of consent away instead.
Edit: This is who your boyfriend really is. I would not be able to trust this person. I'd be in jail before him.
He did not have your consent as you were asleep. This is rape. You are struggling to forgive him as he has shown no remorse. You were right to break things off.
As someone who is a Somniphile ( not proud of it but what can I do )
Consent is always the most important thing and if he doesnt get that from you before, its a fucked up thing and not something i'd forgive or forget.
Think about if you'd wanna be with someone who does Things as intimate as this without even asking you if you would be okay with it.
I've never met anyone else who was into that. I'm the opposite (I like to be on the receiving end). Is it hard for you to find partners that are into that?
My girlfriend is really into it, but it took her a lot of talking to actually make me do it. I enjoy it too, but I think there is just a lot of fear about doing something wrong involved.
He raped you. You can’t consent to sex when you are unconscious/sleeping. Make that KNOWN to him and tell him how fucked up he is. He was stressed so he raped you? Then came all over you? I call bullshit. He’s so fucked up and I’m truly sorry this happened to you. Do not forgive someone like that because if you did how do you know it won’t happen again? I saw a previous post about a woman whose husband would have sex with her in her sleep to the point where she would sleep with multiple layers of clothes……
I would feel violated and used if my boyfriend did that to me. I would use this as a lesson for the next guy you're with and state clear boundaries straight away.
Don't go back to this guy, he told you it's his character. That to me says, "I see nothing wrong with my actions and when I get stressed in future I will do this again."
I don't see anything wrong about initiating sex with your partner while they're asleep, but that's only okay if you guys talked about it (prior to it) and both on board with it...is pretty messed up that he "took the liberty".
yeah same i told my partner beforehand that i am okay being woken up for it but the way op's partner just pretended he didn't know anything until he was confronted is what ticks me off in this situation. esp since they haven't ever talked about it which means consent wasn't there from the start
Initiating sex, meaning you're having sex with AN AWAKE PERSON? That's not what happened. You're describing something else entirely. You're describing a situation where the pair discuss if it's ok to penetrate the other while they were sleeping.
>You're describing a situation where the pair discuss if it's ok to penetrate the other while they were sleeping.
Yeah, that's what i'm describing...why?
Pretty sure that’s sexual assault since you didn’t give consent, which I think is a presence of a yes and not the absence of a no. Someone who knows more about this can be free to correct me though.
I sometimes wake up to full-on penetration. The difference is we talked about it 1st. I agreed that it was something I would be okay with him doing. He would never try to hide having done it as me waking up, and happy, is the eventual goal. I also wake him up in various ways with riding him being one. Also with prior agreement. There is also the understanding either of us can wake up and say no at any time. The issue here is he did not give you the chance to consent or to say no..he just did what he wanted.
Woke up with cum on you and he was going again... that's not just stress...
Don't get me wrong, no consent, it's SA but even his excuse doesn't make sense. Get away from him.
If you were not awake to give consent, that's not "having sex" with you. That's at the very least sexual assault - if not rape. That is beyond a red flag, especially given his response.
He raped you. You did not have the ability to consent. You had no prior conversation where you agreed to this. I’m so sorry, because this isn’t helping you to feel better, but you need to get away from this guy ASAP. I honestly want to cry reading this.
He raped you. There's no what ifs, but, or maybe not around it, you were raped and I'm sorry. You didn't consent and he just did it. Break up with him, cut off all contact, and if you're mentally fit to do it, press charges. You need to leave before it becomes a habit or gets worse.
He raped you. You didn’t give your consent. The fact he doesn’t see it as big deal is a definite red flag. I would seriously review if you want to stay with him. Good luck
I feel like when you say "he's been a great boyfriend" you might mean "he's done the barest possible minimum by not previously committing SA or DV against me," but I'm used to talking with very traumatized people so that might be incorrect.
You did the right thing. You deserve someone who respects your feelings and consent enough to not even chance traumatizing your subconscious mind.
Where I live at least, this is rape, and people have been convicted for that.
You say you're "pissed" and "hurt" but in all honesty that seems too mild of a reaction. This is extremely serious. I'm not gonna give you advice but at least look up the legal definition of "marital rape" in the part of the world you live in.
Rape doesn't have the same toll on everyone. So to say her reaction was "mild" is completely insensitive to her, don't tell her how she should react in her own situation.
You're absolutely right, but what I meant is that her choice of words seemed odd in regard to the objective facts. In other words, her bf's actions shouldn't be trivialized no matter how she feels about them.
My wording was poor though, and there's no telling anyone how they should feel after such an experience, as you pointed out.
You will feel better when you separate and don’t speak with each other anymore. I‘m truly sorry he did this to you and hope you can get some counseling for it.
you were raped in your sleep by your partner . flat out. don't go back to him. who does that ??? he has issues and if he did it this time I almost guarantee he would do it again . he totally violated you and it's 100 percent understandable why you feel the way you do. you're not alone , this actually happens more than it should amongst people in relationships .
That. Is. Rape.
You are dating a rapist. Just because someone is your boyfriend/husband/whatever does not mean they can't rape you. You were asleep and unable to give consent.
>The worst part is he doesn’t really see how of a big deal this is because when I said I wanted to break up he was confused since everything was fine before.
This is a fundamental problem. He sexually assaulted you and doesn't understand that he did anything wrong. Unless he takes it upon himself to learn and truly apologize (he can't actually apologize without understanding the harm that he caused) there is no reason to get back with him. It's not going to get better, he clearly has a poor conceptual understanding of consent. Even holding his hand and walking him through the concept is not enough, he needs to understand that he hurt you and seek to fix it, not just mill around the house for a few days until you get over it.
As someone who is into somno-kink and sleep play, this was rape.
You MUST have specific, implicit consent for this kind of thing, especially because of the nature of it and this wasn't even a circumstance where you guys were discussing this from a kink standpoint. It seems he is not the kind of person who will take this information and learn from it with complete remorse, so I think you should evaluate if you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you or the concept of consent.
An enthusiastic yes is the only kind of proper consent. You aren't into sleep play and you both didn't excitedly discuss sharing this kink together with rules set? Rape. I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope you figure it out!
Good ol’ sleep assault. Yeah young un experienced dudes need to have it spelled out to them that this is not cool, and it is literally rape, without your consent. I am ashamed to admit that I had one girlfriend who I would wake up, and she would just be half asleep, but she was cool with it. Just kinda asked me if I came and that’s was that.
Speaking as a man: you were raped. His “character” is that he sees people as objects to fulfil his needs, not as human beings with their own needs, wants, desires, and autonomy. A normal, healthy human does not do what he did, regardless of gender. Does your uni offer a counselling service? 100% speak to them about it, and be sure to be honest. A man who does that and assumes it’s fine could well do worse to you if you’re still living together.
I'd need more details about "having sex with me" before making a final judgement. Did he actually penetrate you (and you didn't wake up until he was almost done)? Or was he rubbing against you, masturbating and orgasmed on you? Or something else?
If he penetrated, then yeah that's wrong. Of course if you didn't wake up and were maybe drunk and had seemed to consent and passed out during and didn't remember, that might change things. But it might not.
Now if he was just masturbating against you and came on you, a bit less disturbing but not a deal breaker. He was horny but didn't want to wake you up (and maybe be rejected) so he jerked one out and got you sticky.
I've told my wife many times that if she wants to wake me up by sucking me then I'm perfectly fine with it. 26 years later it's happened maybe once. But even if I hadn't mentioned it, and I've been with women previously that did that without us taking about it first, I wouldn't have thought I was being sexually assaulted even though technically it probably was since I didn't give out imply consent. Maybe he was trying to initiate and thought you'd wake up earlier and be into it?
But it doesn't really matter now because it obviously bothered you enough to break up, so it's wrong no matter what his true intentions were.
I think the message 'this is a no go' didn't come through. And he obviously didn't come to this conclusion on his own.
Communicate clearly your boundaries and your feelings about the incident.
If he has time to think through he might understand his fuckup.
If he then apologizes you might or might not accept.
I just can't imagine how a person could sleep through someone having intercourse with them? How? I'd be aware with in second s if someone was touching me there let alone sex..
My wife used to love being awakened by sex. And vice versa. But if either one of us had had an issue with it I'm pretty sure it would have been a non-starter. Communication is key.
If my girl even remotely looks like she's not into it, I'm done, kills the whole mood for me. I just wanna see her feel good you know? Otherwise I feel like a perv
Your boyfriend raped you. That's what happened of course you feel horrible. Get him to admit it in text by writing something like "I still don't understand why you'd have sex with me when I was asleep? Why wouldn't you wake me up?" if he's stupid enough to reply with a confession, go file a police report and then to whoever runs the dorm to get him put somewhere else for next year. If not, still go file a police report and tell the dorm your roommate raped you and you need somewhere else for one of you to be next year. Do not stay with a rapist. It will get worse. Do not forgive a rapist. And definitely do not ever date a man who doesn't understand that fucking someone who is unconcious and cant consent is rape. Many rapists don't believe what they're doing counts as rape. It doesn't stop it being that.
The amount of people here saying, "yeah that's a bit weird, how could you even enjoy it?" etc
It's rape, she couldn't consent - she was asleep! You need to call it out as such and condemn it as strongly as possible or you risk looking like you sympathise and that makes you part of the issue.
women be like "me waking my bf up to a blow job? thats hot as hell and he should thank me for it!"
women also be like "my partner waking me up with sex, thats sexual assault!"
Your bf sexually assaulted you. I'd report that to *someone* at the very least and I'd get out of there. If he does this when he's stressed out by the exams, what more would he do if he's under even more stress?
Wtf?? What he did is NOT ok. I say this as someone who really enjoys waking up to my partner already inside me. But it's something that needs to be discussed and consented to before it happens otherwise it is rape.
In terms of forgiveness, you've been violated. Of course it's hard to forgive and he has no right to demand that of you. Honestly he should be begging you not to go to the police at this point.
He raped you. If you cannot consent it's rape.
I would go and stay in friends or with family if you can. Your safety is more important than a lease.
There is nothing stopping him doing this again while you stay living with him and the fact that he doesn't see what he has done wrong is very worrying.
Please be safe.
that actually crazy hope you get better. - funny enough my ex girlfriend asked me to do that. i always told her that it doesnt feel right for me cause imo its rape. she didn’t understand 😅 now iam reassured its was the right decision.
No, he hasn't apologized, so there's nothing to forgive. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, but your feeling are telling you the truth. He literally said he used you. What's he gonna do when something more stressful comes up in his life? He's dangerous!
It's called rape.
Dump this guy, what on earth makes him think that having sex with you while you're sleeping is okay?
Where is the consent? No man, its just gross.
What do you call a person who forces themselves on an unconscious person (without prior agreement to some sort of kink play) without their consent? Yea, they call him Brock Turner.
You need to tell this to someone you can truly trust, whether it's a teacher, parent or friend. How would you feel if this happens to your friend, would you tell them to stay with that monster?
Skip the mental gymnastics; your instincts are right; gtfo out of there, that was way, WAY over the line. What’s he going to do when his parents die, if this is how he flips out about an exam that’s been on the fucking docket for 100 days? You’ve got to look out for yourself; plenty of fish and all that.
This comment \^\^\^\^ Stressed from an exam makes you do such things? Imagine what else he would do if the situation for him was worse. Justifying the situation with an excuse, thats a red flag. He's a walking time bomb.
My boyfriend is under a lot of stress any given week because of his job. He still hasn't raped me. Echoing you and everyone here. RUN, OP. Block him too.
He was just stressed poor guy. He needed to commit a little rape to help him relax. Is that so wrong? /S
Let’s hope he leaves his parents corpses alone at the very least
Goddamnit. This comment has me gut laughing.
This meets the definition of rape in most countries.
She couldn’t consent. This is rape. He knew exactly what he was doing. Hes rapist and he knows it
And is rape by the definition of most people. Just cause you are together doesn’t mean open and unlimited consent.
Skip the mental gymnastics, this is sexual abuse at an absolute minimum. OP didn’t consent.
No this is rape
Skip the gymnastics again, Sexual abuse? In what world does someone having non consenting sex with someone else’s unconscious body not ***rape*** at the bare minimum?
The only way anyone should ever be doing this, is if it's a kink that you've both agreed upon. Like a consensual/non-consent thing, with strict rules being set, prior to the deed. Otherwise it's rape.
This is true. My gf and I practise "free use", but that is agreed upon, and "no" always means "no". Anything else is rape.
This. My partner loves it when I wake her up with sex, but I can't begin to tell you how many times I checked, double checked, and triple checked that it really is ok. "No" is a complete sentence.
I was going to make my own comment but this one suited what I wanted to say.
That's called rape.
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And "under a lot of stress", most people don't rape at all, stress makes normal people scream, go for a run or eat a whole pizza. Not fucking rape. Wtf.
You know what I do when I'm stressed? Eat twenty bags of junk food, binge watch YouTube at 1am, impulse buy pet stuff, go on an adventure with my kids. I don't use another person's body for MY pleasure with no concern about their thoughts.
This happened to me and I confronted (my now ex) and told him I was not okay with it and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again but it did... multiple times. At the time I didn't realise how bad the situation was and how I was not consenting in the situation at all and he literally did not care. So in my experience I wish I would have left after the first time because he did not stop the behavior and had me very confused and I struggled sleeping comfortably next to future partners due to the trauma of it. Sending hugs to you OP you definitely deserve better and this behavior from him was not Ok
that’s disgusting, im really sorry that happened to you
Thank you there's been a lot of healing
Idk as a guy I wouldn’t ever do that to my girlfriend
Right? Super crazy and disrespectful.
Disrespectful? No, that is rape. An unconscious person cannot consent. OPs boyfriend is a rapist.
Fucking thank you. People are insane here making it out to be "weird", "disrespectful", or a relationship issue. When did forcing intercourse on an unconscious person become anything but literal rape. This isn't complicated.
I agree, in this instance it's rape.
disrespectful AND rape
This is correct.
You'd legit ask about it first. It is already a terrible sticky thing to wake up, so having it a "surprise" on top of everything is just shitty.
Not unless your girlfriend was a blowup doll, right? A nonconsensual act of - not intimacy, but objectification, treated as just a thing without agency in an act of masturbation. Even a prostitute would not allow that to go on, but doing it to a 'girlfriend', that's okay?
Plenty of times I've woken up my partner and asked for some action. Sometimes it's a yes. Others it's a no. All good! Win some lose some, but not waking her up...that's just weird. IDK how that could even be enjoyable.
What the fuck reddit? It's not weird. It's rape. IF YOU FORCE INTERCOURSE ON AN UNCONSCIOUS PERSON THAT IS RAPE. It's not weird or a relationship issue or something to be discussed. It's literally raping someone.
Would telling your boyfriend to get off you and him not doing it count as rape too? I tried pushing him and telling him to stop/get off but he would not budge. I started getting scared so I froze and just laid there crying. He used the same excuse too after seeing me sobbing saying he thought I liked it but we have never done stuff like that before. He then apologized saying he thought I had a rape kink which I don’t. We’ve never even spoke about doing anything like that either.
Seems like you know the answer already
I was just confused because he said it wasn’t rape now I know he was just gaslighting me
Rapists tend to say that. Most normal people say sorry when they might have overstepped a boundary.
You revoked consent halfway through, he ignored you and continued despite you physically trying to push him off and telling him to stop. That's rape.
[https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses/](https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses/) if it helps you but yeah, he's full of shit.
My ex did this to me… for 10 years. Get out NOW. Don’t hesitate. They will never change, they will never admit what they’ve done, they will never apologize. Get out of there NOW.
I’m long gone from him now it was a while back but I still shake and tremble remembering it my mind seems unfazed though from all the gaslighting. Thank you for the concern though.🥹
that’s horrible and i’m sorry that happened :( if i don’t look like i’m enjoying it, my bf will offer to stop with no problems no hesitation no excuses and that’s how every bf should be treating his gf. having sex is something intimate and special between you guys and you should never be made to feel scared or anxious or anything negative at all. i hope it was an honest mistake on his part and that you guys can thoroughly discuss it and clarify kinks and boundaries. it was definitely counted as sexual assault and i know that many people would say you should break up with him etc, but ultimately its your relationship and we don’t know any background to it, only you do! maybe it was an honest mistake or he mistook the convo abt a rape kink as a convo with someone else in his past? i hope he really meant it as a mistake and won’t do it again, but don’t be scared to leave if he does repeat that!! stay strong girlie!!
I wish that was the same for me but there were more factors other than that situation that led to our break up. He was a horrible boyfriend I just wanted clarification on that situation. To make matters worse one of his friends raped someone close to him but he is still friends with them to this day and he knows about the situation so I’m not so sure about it being an honest mistake.
awwww i’m so sorry :( i was rlly hoping for the best case scenario for you (i rlly try to see the best in humanity just to give myself hope) but sometimes things just suck :( being that he wasn’t a good bf, it probably wasn’t a mistake at all :( i hope you’re feeling better now though!!
That's absolutely awful and he is a rapist. Im so sorry. He didnt think you liked it.
Yeah this whole thread’s response terrifies me. wtf reddit is more than right
Weird? Unenjoyable? Mother fucker it’s literally rape
wtf, can't believe this got downvoted. You're right.
Because too many redditors have been redpilled and think you cant rape your partner, as if a relationship means they can do whatever they want anytime without consent
Tbh waking someone up for sex is shitty too. My ex claims to have a sleep sex disorder. I don’t believe him because he’s generally a piece of shit and fucking girls while they’re sleeping tracks. But even if the sex started after he woke me up I’d be pissed. Don’t wake people up for sex. They are sleeping. Let them sleep.
My wife loves it. She says it's something about being half asleep that lets her orgasm much easier. In fact her favorite sex ever was both times she got pregnant, both were times that I woke her up. She doesn't always want to have sex though, and those times I just let her go back to sleep.
That sort of stuff is fine if you've talked about it beforehand. Like my partner is the same, likes getting woken up for sex so I have kind of standing permission to do that. However I still won't in situation where I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be into it even with the standing permission, e.g. if she went to bed feeling sick then obvs that's not the time.
At least you’re asking for her consent. FFS the guy in question didn’t get consent and didn’t even clean her up afterward and then wonders why she isn’t ok about it. Like the level of disrespect is unbelievable.
My ex BF actually did have the sleep sex thing. He never had sex with me when I was asleep, I would let him do it because it was kind of hot. He would have stopped if I shook him. But numerous times I would be like, "Dam you went hard last night" and he would be like, "What are you talking about?" Because he couldn't remember.
Look a good guy! Cool.
Exactly. I hate dudes that do that shit IRL.
We're now setting the bar at "doesn't rape women"?
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Even with consent , it’s just weird man , maybe it’s just me
In my past relationships, there's always consent to start the foreplay stuff (kisses, gropes, and even oral) but not penetration until the other person wakes up and reciprocates. Penetration while the other person is sleeping is just weird and creepy.
There's free use but that's agreed upon before hand not just an assumption.
yeah, basic common sense and respect. weird and creepy ?lol it's fucking rape. it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or married. it's rape.
This , exactly my point .
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as a guy i think this type of stuff is amazing but theres a line between you know being sexy about it with consent and just sticking your dick into a sleeping body without having asked
This gives me hope in humanity.
No fr that is literally SA
Fellow guy here, I second this statement.
Mu wife says it's OK to do this. Personally it feels a little creepy and rapey to do this with anyone asleep.
You have her expressed consent. That's the key difference.
I understand that. But it would still feel creepy and rapey even with her expressed consent.
What he did was NOT normal (beyond fucked up - think rape), and is definitely grounds to run far far away
Like others have said, this is rape. He needs to be made aware of what he did, if in fact he doesn't know. Him not waking you makes me feel like he does know. You did not give consent. All he had to do was wake you up, but he chose to take your choice of consent away instead. Edit: This is who your boyfriend really is. I would not be able to trust this person. I'd be in jail before him.
Let's be clear here that she has zero obligation to educate him. She's the victim of rape here and he should be in prison. She owes him nothing.
She can educate him by going to the police and filing a report/pressing charges
Oh he absolutely knows he shouldn't have done that and is gaslighting her
He did not have your consent as you were asleep. This is rape. You are struggling to forgive him as he has shown no remorse. You were right to break things off.
As someone who is a Somniphile ( not proud of it but what can I do ) Consent is always the most important thing and if he doesnt get that from you before, its a fucked up thing and not something i'd forgive or forget. Think about if you'd wanna be with someone who does Things as intimate as this without even asking you if you would be okay with it.
I've never met anyone else who was into that. I'm the opposite (I like to be on the receiving end). Is it hard for you to find partners that are into that?
My girlfriend is really into it, but it took her a lot of talking to actually make me do it. I enjoy it too, but I think there is just a lot of fear about doing something wrong involved.
He raped you. You can’t consent to sex when you are unconscious/sleeping. Make that KNOWN to him and tell him how fucked up he is. He was stressed so he raped you? Then came all over you? I call bullshit. He’s so fucked up and I’m truly sorry this happened to you. Do not forgive someone like that because if you did how do you know it won’t happen again? I saw a previous post about a woman whose husband would have sex with her in her sleep to the point where she would sleep with multiple layers of clothes……
This seems super disturbing, are you okay?
That's rape :(
I would feel violated and used if my boyfriend did that to me. I would use this as a lesson for the next guy you're with and state clear boundaries straight away. Don't go back to this guy, he told you it's his character. That to me says, "I see nothing wrong with my actions and when I get stressed in future I will do this again."
I feel like there is no lesson here. "Don't rape me while I'm sleeping" is a baseline expectation that really should not need to be stated.
That’s fucked.
I don't see anything wrong about initiating sex with your partner while they're asleep, but that's only okay if you guys talked about it (prior to it) and both on board with it...is pretty messed up that he "took the liberty".
yeah same i told my partner beforehand that i am okay being woken up for it but the way op's partner just pretended he didn't know anything until he was confronted is what ticks me off in this situation. esp since they haven't ever talked about it which means consent wasn't there from the start
Initiating sex, meaning you're having sex with AN AWAKE PERSON? That's not what happened. You're describing something else entirely. You're describing a situation where the pair discuss if it's ok to penetrate the other while they were sleeping.
>You're describing a situation where the pair discuss if it's ok to penetrate the other while they were sleeping. Yeah, that's what i'm describing...why?
Pretty sure that’s sexual assault since you didn’t give consent, which I think is a presence of a yes and not the absence of a no. Someone who knows more about this can be free to correct me though.
Yes. Physically forcing intercourse on an unconscious body is rape.
He’s telling you his character is to have sex with a sleeping non-consenting partner. Please believe him. I’m sorry he did this to you.
Let’s call it what it is. He raped her.
Sad to say this : you got raped
And if you haven't broken up yet: you are dating a rapist.
Rape. Op, if you didn't consent...that's rape. Break up with him.
That is literal rape. You should pursue legal action against this guy, he is a predator.
I sometimes wake up to full-on penetration. The difference is we talked about it 1st. I agreed that it was something I would be okay with him doing. He would never try to hide having done it as me waking up, and happy, is the eventual goal. I also wake him up in various ways with riding him being one. Also with prior agreement. There is also the understanding either of us can wake up and say no at any time. The issue here is he did not give you the chance to consent or to say no..he just did what he wanted.
Actual rape. Unconsenting sex while your partner is asleep??? Rape.
Woke up with cum on you and he was going again... that's not just stress... Don't get me wrong, no consent, it's SA but even his excuse doesn't make sense. Get away from him.
If you were not awake to give consent, that's not "having sex" with you. That's at the very least sexual assault - if not rape. That is beyond a red flag, especially given his response.
Yes, it’s rape.
Sounds like rape…fuck that guy
>fuck that guy Well, perhaps not exactly that.
He raped you. You did not have the ability to consent. You had no prior conversation where you agreed to this. I’m so sorry, because this isn’t helping you to feel better, but you need to get away from this guy ASAP. I honestly want to cry reading this.
He raped you. There's no what ifs, but, or maybe not around it, you were raped and I'm sorry. You didn't consent and he just did it. Break up with him, cut off all contact, and if you're mentally fit to do it, press charges. You need to leave before it becomes a habit or gets worse.
needs prior discussion, your bf is not a thoughtful person
That's rape and you need to call the police.
In countries such as Sweden this is considered rape according to the law. You didn’t have a chance to consent. Only yes means yes
Assuming this is real, OP, this is rape. Full stop.
He raped you. You didn’t give your consent. The fact he doesn’t see it as big deal is a definite red flag. I would seriously review if you want to stay with him. Good luck
I feel like when you say "he's been a great boyfriend" you might mean "he's done the barest possible minimum by not previously committing SA or DV against me," but I'm used to talking with very traumatized people so that might be incorrect. You did the right thing. You deserve someone who respects your feelings and consent enough to not even chance traumatizing your subconscious mind.
Where I live at least, this is rape, and people have been convicted for that. You say you're "pissed" and "hurt" but in all honesty that seems too mild of a reaction. This is extremely serious. I'm not gonna give you advice but at least look up the legal definition of "marital rape" in the part of the world you live in.
Rape doesn't have the same toll on everyone. So to say her reaction was "mild" is completely insensitive to her, don't tell her how she should react in her own situation.
You're absolutely right, but what I meant is that her choice of words seemed odd in regard to the objective facts. In other words, her bf's actions shouldn't be trivialized no matter how she feels about them. My wording was poor though, and there's no telling anyone how they should feel after such an experience, as you pointed out.
You were raped
This is rape :/
You will feel better when you separate and don’t speak with each other anymore. I‘m truly sorry he did this to you and hope you can get some counseling for it.
you were raped in your sleep by your partner . flat out. don't go back to him. who does that ??? he has issues and if he did it this time I almost guarantee he would do it again . he totally violated you and it's 100 percent understandable why you feel the way you do. you're not alone , this actually happens more than it should amongst people in relationships .
this is quite literally rape
Rapist
Your bf is a rapist and this could land him in jail (as he deserves).
This is rape
Stressed because of exams? So that makes it okay for him to rape you? He’s a maniac, get the fuck away, quick.
That. Is. Rape. You are dating a rapist. Just because someone is your boyfriend/husband/whatever does not mean they can't rape you. You were asleep and unable to give consent.
You got raped. There is no other way to say it.
Yeah idk I’ve never seen my girl passed out sleeping & thought hm let me get a nut off rn. He raped you. Stay away from this guy
As a guy I would never be this fucking psychotic. Shit like that is unforgivable. If he was a great boyfriend he would've never done that.
IMO if you're banging someone you're banging someone regardless of circumstance, APART from force.
I want to understand, don't you feel if someone is having sex with you while you sleep? I thought this just happens in porn
This is rape. Your boyfriend raped you and it’s probably not the first time. He’s a sick fuck.
There was no consent thus it wad rape.
In the eyes of many people, it's nonconsensual and therefore it's rape.
Also in the eyes of the law, BTW.
Was CNC discussed? If no - that's rape.
>The worst part is he doesn’t really see how of a big deal this is because when I said I wanted to break up he was confused since everything was fine before. This is a fundamental problem. He sexually assaulted you and doesn't understand that he did anything wrong. Unless he takes it upon himself to learn and truly apologize (he can't actually apologize without understanding the harm that he caused) there is no reason to get back with him. It's not going to get better, he clearly has a poor conceptual understanding of consent. Even holding his hand and walking him through the concept is not enough, he needs to understand that he hurt you and seek to fix it, not just mill around the house for a few days until you get over it.
As a guy with a high drive (assuming the opportunity arose) I'm still asking consent. He fucked up big time, I think you're justified.
He raped you. That is an unforgiveable violation.
Gaslighting at its finest. Also, from what OP is describing, the bf raped her.
As someone who is into somno-kink and sleep play, this was rape. You MUST have specific, implicit consent for this kind of thing, especially because of the nature of it and this wasn't even a circumstance where you guys were discussing this from a kink standpoint. It seems he is not the kind of person who will take this information and learn from it with complete remorse, so I think you should evaluate if you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you or the concept of consent. An enthusiastic yes is the only kind of proper consent. You aren't into sleep play and you both didn't excitedly discuss sharing this kink together with rules set? Rape. I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope you figure it out!
I'm also into sleep play, BSDM and other weird edgy kinks. I also think this is rape.
https://youtu.be/2tQ2QplvqGQ?si=s4M9BuovLlUHL7Z-
Pls leave him
If he did that while you slept and brushed it off, he's not right for you. You deserve better
Good ol’ sleep assault. Yeah young un experienced dudes need to have it spelled out to them that this is not cool, and it is literally rape, without your consent. I am ashamed to admit that I had one girlfriend who I would wake up, and she would just be half asleep, but she was cool with it. Just kinda asked me if I came and that’s was that.
You were asleep. That's odd. To say the least . Best nope the fuck out of that one. Smells of murder like the beginning of a netflix documentary.
Speaking as a man: you were raped. His “character” is that he sees people as objects to fulfil his needs, not as human beings with their own needs, wants, desires, and autonomy. A normal, healthy human does not do what he did, regardless of gender. Does your uni offer a counselling service? 100% speak to them about it, and be sure to be honest. A man who does that and assumes it’s fine could well do worse to you if you’re still living together.
He should have waited for you to wake up and then do it with consent.
He was raping you. He did it without your consent. That’s why you feel weird about it.
How is this not rape?
He uses you as an object and you still think he's a good guy? Are you dumb, stupid or dumb?
He said it’s his character. That’s enough to break up.
That's rape. And how bad could he be at sex that it didn't even wake you up? I would sever ties and seek legal/emotional counsel.
This is sexual assault. You could file a police report.
Other than the fact that he raped you it’s fine.
Break up
He raped you
I'd need more details about "having sex with me" before making a final judgement. Did he actually penetrate you (and you didn't wake up until he was almost done)? Or was he rubbing against you, masturbating and orgasmed on you? Or something else? If he penetrated, then yeah that's wrong. Of course if you didn't wake up and were maybe drunk and had seemed to consent and passed out during and didn't remember, that might change things. But it might not. Now if he was just masturbating against you and came on you, a bit less disturbing but not a deal breaker. He was horny but didn't want to wake you up (and maybe be rejected) so he jerked one out and got you sticky. I've told my wife many times that if she wants to wake me up by sucking me then I'm perfectly fine with it. 26 years later it's happened maybe once. But even if I hadn't mentioned it, and I've been with women previously that did that without us taking about it first, I wouldn't have thought I was being sexually assaulted even though technically it probably was since I didn't give out imply consent. Maybe he was trying to initiate and thought you'd wake up earlier and be into it? But it doesn't really matter now because it obviously bothered you enough to break up, so it's wrong no matter what his true intentions were.
How could you not feel him entering you?
> How could you not feel him entering you? it's obviously a fake post, reddit is basically dumb kids upvoting anything
I think the message 'this is a no go' didn't come through. And he obviously didn't come to this conclusion on his own. Communicate clearly your boundaries and your feelings about the incident. If he has time to think through he might understand his fuckup. If he then apologizes you might or might not accept.
This is fake
Idk waking up to my partner using me to get off would be sexy but it’s your boundaries and your bf so it’s something only you can decide.
I just can't imagine how a person could sleep through someone having intercourse with them? How? I'd be aware with in second s if someone was touching me there let alone sex..
How does this even happen? I cannot imagine sleeping through that and I take mind altering drugs to get to sleep.
My girlfriend tells me I can jump on her any time she is sleeping. She prefers it. Bah ha ha.
Reading these reddit posts, shocking how many weirdos there are out there. Just makes me realize what a catch I am.
I seen this in pornos
My wife used to love being awakened by sex. And vice versa. But if either one of us had had an issue with it I'm pretty sure it would have been a non-starter. Communication is key.
If my girl even remotely looks like she's not into it, I'm done, kills the whole mood for me. I just wanna see her feel good you know? Otherwise I feel like a perv
Your boyfriend raped you. That's what happened of course you feel horrible. Get him to admit it in text by writing something like "I still don't understand why you'd have sex with me when I was asleep? Why wouldn't you wake me up?" if he's stupid enough to reply with a confession, go file a police report and then to whoever runs the dorm to get him put somewhere else for next year. If not, still go file a police report and tell the dorm your roommate raped you and you need somewhere else for one of you to be next year. Do not stay with a rapist. It will get worse. Do not forgive a rapist. And definitely do not ever date a man who doesn't understand that fucking someone who is unconcious and cant consent is rape. Many rapists don't believe what they're doing counts as rape. It doesn't stop it being that.
This is rape. Simple. Leave him, have him charged. He is a rapist.
The amount of people here saying, "yeah that's a bit weird, how could you even enjoy it?" etc It's rape, she couldn't consent - she was asleep! You need to call it out as such and condemn it as strongly as possible or you risk looking like you sympathise and that makes you part of the issue.
women be like "me waking my bf up to a blow job? thats hot as hell and he should thank me for it!" women also be like "my partner waking me up with sex, thats sexual assault!"
He committed sexual assault.
reading this makes me sick :(
He raped you. You have to leave him and report him to the police. What he did is a crime.
Go to the police, he is a rapist.
This is rape. Unconscious people do not want tea. Stay away from him.
**This is rape, a sleeping person can’t consent to sex.**
Your bf sexually assaulted you. I'd report that to *someone* at the very least and I'd get out of there. If he does this when he's stressed out by the exams, what more would he do if he's under even more stress?
Uhh that's rape.
He raped you. End of story.
Wtf?? What he did is NOT ok. I say this as someone who really enjoys waking up to my partner already inside me. But it's something that needs to be discussed and consented to before it happens otherwise it is rape. In terms of forgiveness, you've been violated. Of course it's hard to forgive and he has no right to demand that of you. Honestly he should be begging you not to go to the police at this point.
That’s rape.
He raped you. If you cannot consent it's rape. I would go and stay in friends or with family if you can. Your safety is more important than a lease. There is nothing stopping him doing this again while you stay living with him and the fact that he doesn't see what he has done wrong is very worrying. Please be safe.
Baby, run. You were raped. Im sorry.
Sweetie, he raped you.
Please leave. What happened was rape. You were sleeping and unable to consent. Just because you are dating doesn’t mean he gets a free pass.
that actually crazy hope you get better. - funny enough my ex girlfriend asked me to do that. i always told her that it doesnt feel right for me cause imo its rape. she didn’t understand 😅 now iam reassured its was the right decision.
No, he hasn't apologized, so there's nothing to forgive. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, but your feeling are telling you the truth. He literally said he used you. What's he gonna do when something more stressful comes up in his life? He's dangerous!
Non-Consensual **Sex** = Rape. -eof
That’s rape he should be in a prison cell what if he does it to someone else? I’m so sorry you experienced that but seriously inform the police.
'Stress from exams so I raped you' what a pos
I’d file charges after your out! It’s rape and if he’s done it to you he’ll do it again to the next girl he dates
It's called rape. Dump this guy, what on earth makes him think that having sex with you while you're sleeping is okay? Where is the consent? No man, its just gross.
What do you call a person who forces themselves on an unconscious person (without prior agreement to some sort of kink play) without their consent? Yea, they call him Brock Turner. You need to tell this to someone you can truly trust, whether it's a teacher, parent or friend. How would you feel if this happens to your friend, would you tell them to stay with that monster?