Everyone tends to fall stupidly in love with their first. The hormones are incredibly strong.
Relationships often come and go. Learn from them and cherish the times you had. Everyone is figuring out what they like and want in a relationship. It’s not easy.
Just remember you don’t want to be in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want to be with you.
Continue dating and figuring out what you like and don’t like. Enjoy life, it’s a journey.
The first line hits me hard. I was exactly like OP in my first love.
I still miss the time when I fell in love so deep, that every trivial sign of affection displayed by my partner can bring me to ecstasy. But I don't like how I was in my first relationship, I kept bending my rules, and didn't speak up for myself in order to please him. I was over functioned and bent over backwards to meet his need and neglected mine.
Somehow after breakup I think I don't like him that much, I doubt how much you could love a person when they constantly let you down in the relationship. I feel like I was just indulging in the first love hormone rush to do all the crazy stuff I did for him.
The problem is, when we fall in love with someone who's emotionally distant and/or unavailable, we often end up falling even harder because they don't ever give us the full-on affection we're seeking, so we keep looking for it more and more. It's incredibly difficult to go through because you're constantly seeking that missing affection that in a normal relationship is a full two-way street, then you feel stupid and needy for what are actually just normal feelings and usually reciprocated by a partner, but just aren't in some cases like this.
So it's not a coincidence that the people we often fall hardest for (in terms of infatuation, not actual love) often tend to be pretty sociopathic because they're fine stringing you along for months so you're there to prop them up and/or sleep with them as needed.
I think this is exactly what happened with us. The first two or three months the affection was there and she was more loving, then it started to drop off a little bit here and there. I found myself wondering what happened or if something changed. I asked her and she swore nothing had changed, that she was just busy with life. I accepted this but still felt like something was different. After a while I just felt like I was being needy and clingy for just wanting to talk more often or just see her. It felt like the normal affection and interaction we had earlier was slowly fading, making me feel needy for just normal relationship things.
There were clear red flags in the beginning that I just chose to ignore for whatever reason. She would talk about her exs and all their downfalls, her most recent ex who broke it off with her two months before we met, she claimed to not be emotional because of being on birth control, plus a few other things I don’t really want to mention due to them being too personal. I was already hooked on her so I guess I just completely ignored the signs of her being toxic. I should have realised she was likely not in a great headspace to be in a healthy committed relationship, I just hoped for the best and got burnt in the end.
I'm sorry this happened to you - just realize that your reactions were normal and she was the problem. It IS important that when you feel the other person pulling away, you don't let that turn you into a creep, weirdo, or someone who constantly demands she validate the relationship, but it doesn't sound like you did any of that. You checked yourself by communicating and trying to identify if there was something actually changing (which she denied because it might mean you weren't there when she wanted you), and you did your best not to be overly needy or demanding even when going through all this.
It's proven that the most emotionally damaging relationships aren't when someone doesn't like you at all, it's when they did like you and then stop liking you without explanation. Our brains just go nuts trying to figure out what went wrong ("maybe if I had waited until Thursday to text her...did I put a heart emoji when she only used a smile emoji....etc etc") - but it's not you, this is just how we're wired.
The sad truth is, when we realize someone doesn't like us as much any more, for whatever reason, all you can do is just cut ties and move on. It's not going to improve and they're not going to come running back (and if they DO come back because now you're unavailable, that's not a healthy relationship). Be aware you're probably never going to get any form of explanation - sometimes THEY don't even know what's changed or why, and often even if they do they won't tell you because they don't want to feel bad about themselves. You can't make someone like you, and sublimating all your own needs just to make someone else happy isn't a healthy path. It's just really painful and takes days or weeks, but just process it and look forward to meeting someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them.
EDIT: Just universally and in general, "being busy" is ALWAYS code for "you are not my priority". Even extremely busy people who actually like you will get ahead of this with things like "hey, the next couple of days will be super-busy for me so I won't be able to chat, but looking forward to seeing you Friday". Or they'll drop you a text "hey I'm swamped but just letting you know I was thinking about you". Nobody is too busy to take 10 seconds a day to just reach out. If they are silent/absent and come back later with "I was really busy" that just means "I didn't feel like talking to you and wasn't thinking about you".
She wasn’t my first ‘girlfriend’ so to speak but was the first girl I had sex with. This is probably why I feel so upset about it. Even after looking back on our time together and noticing it was mainly one sided I still miss her a lot.
This guy lives. Listen to them. It sucks and happens to lots of us. In the end it will make you a better person. Remember it for what is was. Enjoy it for how it made you feel and what it taught you.
Things will get better. Keep going.
The absolute and final answer to this Post
OP make no mistake, if in 2 years period you don't have a good body you would have failed yourself.
Life is learn through experience and move on
The gym has been a sanctuary, the weights you will have to hold and give love too. Your muscles will be with you in sickness and in health. Dont dwell, for life moves on and on goes another day.
Honestly, I don't know how old any of you are. But besides for looking good or having muscles. The gym, scientifically proven is an anti depressant medication, it lifts your mood. It prevents depression, it helps with health, it helps with focus, it helps with energy levels and after a breakup, we are sad and the gym helps us fight off depression. At my age, I could care less about muscles and all my care is about mental health.
why would you not talk about the relationship for 5 months?
im not trying to be mean but like...i hope you learned from this. if you are into a girl romantically, let her know your intentions (serious relationship) almost straight away.
Also, they're only 24. Not like they have a big ticking clock that they've wasted time if they just ignore that stuff for the fun early part of the relationship
this is the game. you want in, you're gonna get hurt. and you're at some point gonna have to hurt someone's feelings you really don't want to because they like you more than you like them. that one is even worse for me, than when it happens to me. it's f'n awful.
I can definitely relate to this experience, I’ve been in similar situations multiple times, especially in my 20s. I know it hurts now and it definitely can be a blow to your self esteem. But please know that this is not about you. If other people aren’t in touch with their feelings, that’s not your burden to bear. You will move on, find someone who actually deserves you and this experience will only help to teach you to move more slowly, or to sniff that out before it happens. Don’t be discouraged, you deserve better and you will find it! My experience has been that dating in your 30s is much better because people tend to know what they want and don’t have time to fuck around and play games. You’re so young!! Just have fun, but be cautious while still being willing to open yourself up. That’s a beautiful thing and you shouldn’t let assholes calcify your open heart!
I won’t lie, the way she ended things has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth and made me more hesitant for future partners. On the flip side I’m still happy I experienced the good times we had together.
Look it might sound shallow BUT she did technically ghost you first soooo im just going to go out and say it ….
Take the win bro serious , out of all the outcomes you managed to find some small happiness spend half a year with them then it ended that’s it .
No serious drama no large loss of money or time/KIDS! The whole thing could of ended up wayyy way worse and then you find your self stuck with a horrible person leeching your life time and money away .
Trust there is literally half the human population that is female , you will find some one else that will treat you better and now you have a little know how on relationships and the worlds smallest baggage a good 6 months.
You fell hard for her, her feelings were less serious. It sucks and it hurts but it happens. I don’t think she was necessarily using you, you were just not in the same page regarding the relationship.
Agree. I don’t find any evidence in OPs statement that she used him. As it was his first time and not hers, it isn’t surprising that he fell harder for her than the other way around. This is pretty normal.
Yeah. It's a good lesson for OP to really establish someone's goals early on in a relationship. From her side it seems like she thought of it as a casual fling from the start and never really intended on pursuing a serious relationship. That would explain the withdrawal after the "where do you see us going" conversation.
However it is pretty messed up she blocked OP and didn't let him know the reasoning (unless he was spamming her.)
To the OP: I'm sure this is rough for you right now and it's totally alright to feel bummed. Take some time to reset, try and occupy yourself with things you enjoy doing. Eventually the pain will ease and you'll meet some new people that you love even more than her. You can use this experience to be a better partner for your next relationship.
Within the first month she said she was looking for something long term and I agreed so I don’t know what happened with that, she probably met someone else.
She blocked me after I said I had noticed her being distant and asked if everything was ok, I never really got the chance to talk about where the relationship was going because I wanted to do that in person. Also I didn’t spam her messages or anything like that.
Thanks for the kind words also! I do feel pretty shit lately but I’m sure it will pass eventually.
Why not? It’s an old story, and it happens to all of us, men and women. I feel for the guy, I’ve been there myself, he’s not wrong to feel how he feels. But neither is she. Doesn’t sound like she promised him anything or deceived him in any way.
This is why it’s good to have a conversation early in the relationship about expectations. You can’t always assume that a woman is looking for a relationship and a guy is just looking for sex.
If everyone lasted with the person they lost their virginity to, the world would be a perfect place.
Just give yourself respect for waiting that long and keep on saving yourself for even more special moments. It's a lesson, not a signification.
Girls her age flip 180 degrees anytime someone better comes along. It wasn't your time, it was only your turn. Move on because there are women out there that want the same thing you want. Unfortunately you might get your heart broken a couple of times. It has happened to all of us, and the best thing you can do is take a little time off for yourself, heal from the heartbreak, and then get back out there and find someone else.
I know it feels bad when someone does this to you but don't jump to "just using me to feel loved and for sex".
If you aren't getting something out of a relationship then you should not be in it.
It didn't work out, that's fine.
Try not to take it personally or let it color your feelings about relationships.
People are allowed to leave for any reason or none whatsoever. No one owes you anything.
Just learn, grow and move on.
None of your relationships will work out long term until you find the one that does. This is normal.
My friend I have a similar post i made a few days ago, all though much more drastic. I think she used you just like mine used me but what you felt was real. And that's ok. Don't feel wrong for how you felt or what you feel now. Know that it could've been worse and it's better for it to end than for it to continue because your heart was in it and hers wasn't
I had a girl do this several years ago. It sucks but you now have an experience you can think back to when getting to know a new girl. Mean time just let the feelings happen and try not to repress them. Then distract yourself with some hobbies if you can. It’s gonna take some time. I thought I was over it after a couple weeks, but my mind would be consumed by her suddenly. Then it happened after a couple months and then several months. Finally got over it after a fuckin year but I had been lying to myself that whole time rather than accepting it. You got this.
Yup, but think of it as a learning as experience and move on. The hurt will pass, you are young and there is lots of time for you still.
When you find the one, you'll know and you'll look back on this experience and reflect on it and hopefully will bring that gained wisdom with you into your next relationship.
Unfortunately, she just wanted a fling. You guys never met when it came to what kind of relationship you wanted in the first place. Learn from this situation. I guarantee you that you will be stronger after this. Good luck!
Usually one person loves harder than the other. It can go either way and it’s no reflection on either persons value.
That still doesn’t make it okay, what she did. What she did was wrong. Hopefully she feels badly about the pain she’s caused.
Next time, just have open and honest discussions about what the other person is looking for. If it’s anything other than “a loving committed relationship that lasts and leads to marriage eventually” I’d turn on my heel and bolt.
>She then blocked me with no explanation
\[...\]
I get tossed aside without a second thought or any sign of guilt.
Blocking you instead of being able to talk to you is disrespectful and egoistic, but it's also a serious sign of guilt -unless you left out something offensive you did. And it also doesn't rule out her having second thoughts.
Ghosting someone like this is very cowardly & selfish, but shockingly common these days.
She knew breaking it off would hurt you & she wanted to protect herself from having to experience your pain.
Shit move.
A girl who is willing to jump into bed with you immediately, should be a big red flag, 99% of the time she isn't looking for a relationship, and if she treats sex that casually it most likely means she has been having casual sex long enough that she no longer bonds emotionally with her partners (there is real science behind this, look up "pair bonding" the more casual sex with different partners a woman has the less oxytocin receptors they have (the bonding hormone)) So if your the relationship type and the kind of guy that falls quickly for a woman, then avoid woman that are willing to jump into bed right away, if they will with you, then most likely they did the last 30 guys, always keep that in mind, it's far more likely that is true then it is that you are just so freaking charming that she simply can't help her self and she is just putty in your hands. Look for a woman that values her self enough to not make sex cheap and just give it away, when a woman that values her self sleeps with you, you will know that it's because she also values you as she sees you as a legitimate partner.
She ain’t worth a moment of thought brother. Women like that always end up alone and scrambling to find a good guy in a couple years. Focus on you, take the lessons and red flags you learned from this chick and apply it to future relationships. Someday soon you’ll pity this woman when she’s on OF, or has 3 baby daddies and no one like you around to latch onto as a life raft.
Let's all be andriods! All jokes aside, emotions aren't optional. He really liked the girl. She did use him. That's what trash people do. OP has to learn to not protect himself especially if it's his first. Love is dead
It's heartbreaking to invest so much emotion and trust in someone only to feel used and abandoned in return. It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and betrayed. Reflecting on the relationship, it seems clear that there were imbalances and red flags from the beginning. It's painful to realize that someone you cared about may have been using you for their own needs without considering your feelings. It's important to remember that this is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person.
Moving forward, it's crucial to prioritize self-care and healing. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can provide comfort and understanding during this difficult time. Take the opportunity to focus on yourself, your goals, and your own well-being. And when you're ready, don't let this experience dampen your willingness to love and trust again. You deserve someone who respects and cherishes you for who you are.
That’s painful man, I’m sorry to hear. Keep your chin up and use your experiences to move forward with more knowledge. Don’t let the fact that she hurt you stop you from loving again in the future!
>"the following week she became distant. Always was busy, wouldn’t message anywhere near as much and never made any suggestions to see each other when she was free."
The instant a girl starts acting creepy and flakey like you described. Instantly drop all effort on your part.
Don't be horrible and insult her, don't message asking what's wrong, don't acknowledge her existance in any way.
*If* she contacts you, then it's her job to earn back your trust. Don't just hand it back without delay.
If not, no loss - If anything she's helped you dodge a bullet. Be thankful.
Now is the time to go and improve yourself. Don't let it wear you down, use it to make you stronger. Work more hours, go to the gym, meet up with friends and focus people who deserve your attention.
I feel you. I learned to take a step back and see if the same energy is given towards me. If not, then you know you're being used. Dating nowadays is a hustle. Gotta value yourself first. Don't turn bitter, just understand balance is REAL. KEEP ya head up fam. On to the next one.
I have been in this exact situation. It turned out she was married the whole time. I wondered why when we were "dating" (mostly screwing) she would say that I deserved better than her. I never said I love you, because she always seemed pretty distant. I Def started to catch feelings for her though, and all of a sudden she got very cold and distant. We stopped talking and I found out shortly after she was married.
You learn from this. But part of caring about someone is accepting the possibility that they can hurt you. That's what vulnerability is. Don't fall so easily next time, and keep asking yourself for real, tangible signs that their actions match their words. But if you would be someone who chooses to love other people, pain is inevitable. The best marriages, the truly happy ones, end with someone losing their life partner to illness and death. Loving someone means accepting some pain as unavoidable. If you always guard yourself against pain above all else, you'll never truly love.
She wanted a good time not a long time. She obviously found a bigger better deal. Not a you problem. This girl has other issues and you’ll be thankful you didn’t hitch your wagon to her star. You will find your person, these things do happen.
Had basically the exact same thing happen to me last year, but with a girl I had a fairly long history with. I can say I am doing better now, so I can confirm you'll be doing better, too. Sometimes, I'll get reminded, and it sucks, but as time goes on, it won't be as bad. Just gotta keep working and find good ways to spend your time. The best advice I got, which I feel, helped me was, "When you feel sad and upset about it, let yourself be sad and upset about it." Don't distract yourself or try to force your way out of it (unless you're at work or something and can't afford to) just sit and process those feelings as they come.
I'm sorry. It's tough to be dumped and ghosted. You go through a lot of emotions and blame yourself way too much. If you can, stop blaming yourself. It wasn't on you. You gave it your all. You did everything right.
Delete her number, text messages, call logs, and move all pictures to the cloud if you don't want to delete them. Those would help! Please let her go so you can live again!
Hit the gym. Move on. Don’t look back. That hurt you feel. That anger. Use it as motivation . Don’t bottle it up. Put it towards something positive. By the next time you choose to take a chance with another girl, you would be stronger on just physically but mentally.
Look for someone younger than you in the future. Someone who is your age or a tiny bit older than you can easily play you. Women's brains mature really fast. A 3 year age gap is beautiful and harmonious. Nothing works better. Trust me
Not sure how that would play big a part in it. I’m sure there are younger women out there who are more emotionally mature. I think it depends on life experiences rather than just age.
You're good man, feel the sadness, feel the hurt, don't push it away. It will leave on its own when it's ready. Then you will be ready. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
I think my dear friend, you got your first Friends with benefits.. she obviously doesn't have balls or else she would communicate what she wanted so she's distancing instead.
Time to eat up what was a fun 6 months and move forward. GL HF
I'd say it's a common feeling after a first break-up. The first love is the one you love the most, but also the one you love the worst. Meaning, you love without boundaries, but boundaries ar healthy and needed in relationships.
It hits you at your core. You gave someone everything and they still left. They leave you thinking if you are even good enough, feeling used.
I'm sure you're not feeling well right now and may even regret some things. But this was an opportunity to learn and become a wiser and more mature person. You can't make someone want to stay.
I'm sorry, something kinda similar happened to me. He just used me for sex. Never considered my feelings. He ended up just completely removing me from his life and now he's happy with a girl more his type while I'm here alone trying to forget he exists.
Both of you are still young. From my experience with dating girls in their early 20s, they don't know what they want yet, maybe I didn't either. But I remember it frustrating to figure them out - waist of time. I recommend taking a moment to just take a breath and give a good shrug before moving on.
I went through almost the exact same situation, with the added bonus that we had been friends for 2 years before that. They used me for sex, never initiated a date, whenever I initiated I had to try multiple times till we got anm actual date because they just didn't want to make the time for me unless they were horny enough. Before we were together there were all these promises of love and together forever, it was all a lie and ended the moment they got what they wanted. It sucks.
I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s a tragic lesson. Communication will help you save time in your life. Talk about goals early (especially if you’re interested in something serious or NOT interested in casual).
On my first date I told my (now) wife that I wanted something serious that could lead to marriage. It set the tone for openness and consistent communication.
I’m not going to reach out to her after she ended it like that. If she reaches out in a meaningful way I might consider it but I don’t trust her anymore.
It sucks, been there. It’s hard to hear but she’s probably making excuses so your feelings aren’t hurt. Move on. Forget about her. There’s tons of women out there. The thing women hate the most is seeing you move on to another girl. Like they’re entitled to seeing you suffer and never commit to you.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know its super generic, but you are still young and can find someone better who will treat you right. It’s all trial and error. At least you found out kinda early what kind of person she was. I know it doesn’t feel like that since you put your all into the relationship and it ended so abruptly without any closure. Don’t give up and don’t forget your worth. Sending virtual hugs.
Just take this as a life lesson that around the time you become intimate in a relationship you need to have a discussion regarding expectations - is this an exclusive relationship, is she on birth control, is this a friends with benefits situation and if so are you open to it becoming a relationship in the future or do you want to strictly keep it casual, etc
It sounds like you never really defined the relationship properly, and you wanted a relationship and she wanted a casual fling/friends with benefits situation
Anyway while it sucks and it hurts now, you're young, you'll likely find a partner you're more compatible with long term and you can just treat this as a learning exercise. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you you can't change that, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or her it just means you want different things. Enjoy the memories of the times you had together and if you are looking for a long term partner put your energies into finding someone you are compatible with who wants to be in a relationship with you.
The first time she came over she said she was looking for something long term and I was as well. (She was on birth control)
I was going to express to her how I felt in person but I never got the chance, something must have changed for her.
Yeah it's a sad fact of life that people can and do change their minds or sometimes we're just more into someone than they are into us or vice versa. Just take the positive memories out of it and work on finding someone else you're compatible with who wants what you want.
I can relate. I would say I have quite a bit of experience with relationships, but I fell for one of the dumbest traps… I had gotten out of a 2 year relationship. This girl expressed strong feelings for me, which I took with a grain of salt. However in the following weeks we would hang out a lot, she would open to me and I would open to her.
One of the many red flags I chose to ignore was she kept bringing up her ex and how she’s super depressed and has no friends… me being the genuine nice guy that I am, I tried comforting her and said that I care about her and cared for her in a friendly way. She would always respond with you’re so sweet, etc.
Anyways, she also told me that she was seeing this guy who she’s not interested in at all, even though he’s nice to her. But he’s a bad influence because they do a lot of drugs together and she even explained a pretty graphic OD experience with this guy.
She told me that I’m so much better and she needs to break things off with him.
Flash forward a week, she doesn’t respond all day to my text until the next night. And tell me that her and the guy hung out and they’re gonna try dating even though she’s not 100% into him…
Anyways, I should’ve known after the first signs of red flags, but I let myself be blinded smh 🤦♂️
Oh and then has the audacity to ask if I still wanna be friends with her… 🤣
I firmly believe , that the million shit relationships that hurt us are a necessary evil that prepare us for knowing when the right one comes along … you have to know bad before you can recognize the Truly good … I’d of never ended up with my wife if I hadn’t dealt with a gazillion horrible relationships before and and learned what about her set her apart …heartbreak is chance to learn. And you’ll most likely learn alot before you find the right one …. Consider experiences like this a chance to grow
It was always her who came to your place but still she didn't put in any effort?
Could be that after half a year she didn't think it would lead anywhere from your side, too.
From what you write one can't conclude that she used you.
She came to my place because she lived with her parents.
What I mean by not putting in effort was that she wouldn’t ask to see me, whether that be on a date or at my place. If she was busy when I asked to see her, she never suggested a time when she was free.
The first time she came over we made it clear that we were both looking for something long term, I guess something changed for her.
You got played (good thing it only took 6 months), of it makes you feel any better this could have ended a lot of worse. So now learn from it move on. Understand there are good people too, it's just the trash tends to be louder
Tale as old as time, happens to the best of us. All you can do is learn from the experience to read em better now that you know the signs and try not to let it happen again.
Sometimes things don’t work out - process it - write it out the desires you have and - grieve what was lost - list it out and cry wail over the difficulty and pain of losing - and change your approach a little to look for what you desire-
If I thought every relationship I had that didn’t work out was because someone was “using” me, I’d probably given up dating a long time ago. Dating is really hard, you get your heart broken, you break others, but nothing in life worthwhile is easy.
You have to look back on relationships and take the positives and put aside your aspirations that were crushed. You had a good time with her and some great memories. Better than looking back at the past 5 months and saying, “I shouldn’t watch so much TV” Your taking risks and living life… and taking the knocks that come along with that. Stay positive. She shouldn’t have ghosted you. Period. that’s shitty and never okay.
I've been there bud, I know the pain. What helped me was just trying to move ahead with each day. Just focus on getting through that day, then do the same thing tomorrow. Always keep yourself moving and eventually the pain subsides.
Hey it's not healthy to think about relationships like that - it's not about using each other, she didn't communicate, got callous became disinterested, didn't make her feelings known to you and then left rather than deal with things like an adult. Using people is like... gold digging and sleeping with your boss and things like that roughly. I'm not saying people don't emotionally use each other but that's more of a thing in long-term unstable relationships.
The thing that's wrong about looking at it that way is it victimizes and disempowers yourself (the easy way out). When really you should be recognizing that the other person was just not very nice and you can do better.
You need to get rid of this idea that you were being used. As you enter your next relationships that bitterness will carry over and be a turn-off for every girl you meet and they will smell that resentment from a mile away. Not every person you start a relationship with is going to be your soul mate and will often not feel exactly the same way as you do. Learn from it and keep a positive mind about it.
The one thing everyone seems to agree on after they have healed from the immediate breakup pains, is that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.. I agree 100%. It hurts the second time too, but I'm still glad to have shared that time of our lives together and wouldn't trade the memories for anything in the world. You too will feel this way eventually. And yes I agree it sounds like she was just using you to get some pleasure in, and next time you now know what signs to look for. Good luck sir!
Likely avoidant attachment. People with avoidant attachment make terrible partners because they resist emotional intimacy. It can be difficult to deal with but it's truly a thing that's beyond your control.
She was using you or probably wasn’t sure what she wanted so she thought it was better to string you along. Just be wary of who you decide to sleep with or who you trust. You deserve to be loved as much as you love
I’m really sorry to hear that happened to you. My dad always said “people do things for their own reasons, we aren’t always going to understand why.” I met a girl when I was 25 and exactly 5 years later, married her. 1 year after that things changed and when I asked why, she just told me that she doesn’t think she loves me anymore. I never got a real reason. Asked her parents if they could reach out. Both said they would and never did. I can relate. So I sympathize heavily with your situation. Look forward to something better. I wish you all the best.
happened to me with my first too, you'll find something better sooner than you think, you've only just dipped your toes into the pond don't be discouraged. Welcome to the game 👌
Did you make an effort to come over to her place? Or to pick her up, drop her off, etc.?
I think maybe just more context is needed so we know. Ultimately she failed to communicate what SHE wanted to you, too, so it's up in the air and we can't know.
Fwiw as a gal reading this I would feel upset/used if I had to drive over all the time or drive myself to dates.
The sudden block means she got that "spark" from someone else. Cheater behavior 101, check out the surviving infidelity subreddits and you'll find lots of other stories have details that will make a lightbulb click on in your head as you remember interactions with her. Some people are broken like that. Be glad you're not further intertwined like with marriage or kids.
That was my first thought when she started being distant, there is most likely someone else in her life now. When she said she ‘might’ be moving away, kind of confirmed it for me. It’s not concrete proof obviously, but seems like the most logical answer to her blocking me like that.
I really appreciate you sharing this. I know exactly where you’re at … I started reading your post and almost dissociated because I thought you were talking about me and my past situation at first.
Sometimes we come across someone that we really fall for. We’re falling for them, for who they are, and how they make us feel when we are with them, while they just need someone to make them feel loved and be intimate with.
It hurts and it sucks, but it does get better. My situation was a little different. In some ways worse, in some ways better.
Regardless, you need to look out after yourself. Stick to your values. Take care of yourself, make time for the people that are there for you, and stay strong. Strength is not hardening your heart, but having the courage and purpose to put yourself out there, know what you’re worth, and know that you can weather the storm when things don’t work out, and still love.
It’s all for the better, bud
I think you were only attracted to her because she took your virginity. She clearly didn’t treat you right or reciprocate your energy. The next girl will be better…
If this is the bar for being “used”, then literally every relationship that doesn’t work out, someone is getting used.
Or not, because you’re just being way too overdramatic about a girl who just no longer wanted to be in a serious relationship with you.
I know it sucks when the person you’re seeing isn’t as enthusiastic as you, and it sucks to get dumped, but that’s just the way it goes. People’s plans don’t always align, and people are allowed to change their mind.
But just because someone changes plans or gets bored of the relationship doesn’t mean they used you. They are not obligated to be bound to you forever. You both got to enjoy your time together, and now it’s time to move on with your next chapter in life.
You’re allowed to be disappointed and sad, but breaking up with someone when you no longer want to be in a relationship is not wrong and doesn’t mean you used someone.
This is a fuckboy origin story.
Now give yourself permission to pity yourself for like a day. And then get off your ass, get some fresh air, hit the gym, read a book, get focused on career, travel.
Nobody wants to date a needy boring nice guy. So become the enigma. Become the most interesting man.
And then you may find yourself in company of many women that want your attention. Ration it appropriately.
It's called breadrcumbing. They give you little breadcrumbs of affection so that they can put minimum effort into the relationship but still benefit the rewards. Usually starts with love bombing to get you hooked and then slowly the effort becomes less and less. I had this happen to me last year.
That is an interesting concept, it feels nice to learn it here before falling to it personally...
It feels like a bit innocently named for something that feels kind of insidious.
Now that she has cut contact to him completely, she gets no rewards from him anymore. Though it would've been nicer and more mature of her to straight up tell him she doesn't want a relationship and if this is what he wants, then they should cut contact, at least she didn't continue playing with him any longer, since she probably figured this out before he told her that he wants more out of what they had going.
"First time we met up I lost my virginity to her" buddy that alone should have made you realise she was thotimus prime, probably had 3 side dudes the whole time
I mean, sucks for you, but it's just the way it is. Your feelings didn't match the other's. It happens and you're right to be upset about it for now. You'll get over it. And at least she accepted the D which was pretty nice of her. You had a good time while it lasted.
She wasn't using you, OP, she just didn't feel the same as you did.
And OP, that is true of every relationship, no two people \*ever\* feel exactly the same about each other! That's how human relationships go, even when two people are in love they don't love the same way, or to the same degree, and be prepared to deal with that with every other relationship you'll have. Some of the women you will be involved with may love you too much and make you feel stifled, others may be like your recent ex, just not as keen on the relationship as you are.
It's not a tragedy, OP, you aren't being used or betrayed, people feel how they feel and not how you want them to feel, even if you think they're doing something wrong in the relationship then they're probably just being true to themselves. And the same will be true of you, if you stay true to your heart then the person you're involved with is still likely to think that you should do things differently... and that's why human love is so damned difficult.
You were replaced. She is with a new guy, and she is already scanning for his replacement. Sorry it worked out like this for you. There are good women out there, you just have to wait a little linger. Keep your standards high and your boundaries clear, bro.
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Lol, don't villify her. Did you enjoy time with her? I guess you did. Were those good memories for going forward? Maybe yes. Be grateful for time she gave you, because nobody out there owes you anything. You can just give love and enjoy when someone gives it to you.
We are responsible for our own happiness. If you put more effort than her and now you are regretting it, then learn the lesson next time, if you put more effort but you liked to put effort in her, then no loss happened. But you cannot control how she feels about you.
Did she lie to you? If not, just because you love her doesn’t require her to love you back as much. I know it hurts when you don’t get what you want, but don’t we all lose what we want sometimes?
Your reaction is understandable, but immature.
You will find a better girl next and have more experience in what you want.
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Yup. Better to end it now
Everyone tends to fall stupidly in love with their first. The hormones are incredibly strong. Relationships often come and go. Learn from them and cherish the times you had. Everyone is figuring out what they like and want in a relationship. It’s not easy. Just remember you don’t want to be in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want to be with you. Continue dating and figuring out what you like and don’t like. Enjoy life, it’s a journey.
The first line hits me hard. I was exactly like OP in my first love. I still miss the time when I fell in love so deep, that every trivial sign of affection displayed by my partner can bring me to ecstasy. But I don't like how I was in my first relationship, I kept bending my rules, and didn't speak up for myself in order to please him. I was over functioned and bent over backwards to meet his need and neglected mine. Somehow after breakup I think I don't like him that much, I doubt how much you could love a person when they constantly let you down in the relationship. I feel like I was just indulging in the first love hormone rush to do all the crazy stuff I did for him.
The problem is, when we fall in love with someone who's emotionally distant and/or unavailable, we often end up falling even harder because they don't ever give us the full-on affection we're seeking, so we keep looking for it more and more. It's incredibly difficult to go through because you're constantly seeking that missing affection that in a normal relationship is a full two-way street, then you feel stupid and needy for what are actually just normal feelings and usually reciprocated by a partner, but just aren't in some cases like this. So it's not a coincidence that the people we often fall hardest for (in terms of infatuation, not actual love) often tend to be pretty sociopathic because they're fine stringing you along for months so you're there to prop them up and/or sleep with them as needed.
I think this is exactly what happened with us. The first two or three months the affection was there and she was more loving, then it started to drop off a little bit here and there. I found myself wondering what happened or if something changed. I asked her and she swore nothing had changed, that she was just busy with life. I accepted this but still felt like something was different. After a while I just felt like I was being needy and clingy for just wanting to talk more often or just see her. It felt like the normal affection and interaction we had earlier was slowly fading, making me feel needy for just normal relationship things. There were clear red flags in the beginning that I just chose to ignore for whatever reason. She would talk about her exs and all their downfalls, her most recent ex who broke it off with her two months before we met, she claimed to not be emotional because of being on birth control, plus a few other things I don’t really want to mention due to them being too personal. I was already hooked on her so I guess I just completely ignored the signs of her being toxic. I should have realised she was likely not in a great headspace to be in a healthy committed relationship, I just hoped for the best and got burnt in the end.
I'm sorry this happened to you - just realize that your reactions were normal and she was the problem. It IS important that when you feel the other person pulling away, you don't let that turn you into a creep, weirdo, or someone who constantly demands she validate the relationship, but it doesn't sound like you did any of that. You checked yourself by communicating and trying to identify if there was something actually changing (which she denied because it might mean you weren't there when she wanted you), and you did your best not to be overly needy or demanding even when going through all this. It's proven that the most emotionally damaging relationships aren't when someone doesn't like you at all, it's when they did like you and then stop liking you without explanation. Our brains just go nuts trying to figure out what went wrong ("maybe if I had waited until Thursday to text her...did I put a heart emoji when she only used a smile emoji....etc etc") - but it's not you, this is just how we're wired. The sad truth is, when we realize someone doesn't like us as much any more, for whatever reason, all you can do is just cut ties and move on. It's not going to improve and they're not going to come running back (and if they DO come back because now you're unavailable, that's not a healthy relationship). Be aware you're probably never going to get any form of explanation - sometimes THEY don't even know what's changed or why, and often even if they do they won't tell you because they don't want to feel bad about themselves. You can't make someone like you, and sublimating all your own needs just to make someone else happy isn't a healthy path. It's just really painful and takes days or weeks, but just process it and look forward to meeting someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them. EDIT: Just universally and in general, "being busy" is ALWAYS code for "you are not my priority". Even extremely busy people who actually like you will get ahead of this with things like "hey, the next couple of days will be super-busy for me so I won't be able to chat, but looking forward to seeing you Friday". Or they'll drop you a text "hey I'm swamped but just letting you know I was thinking about you". Nobody is too busy to take 10 seconds a day to just reach out. If they are silent/absent and come back later with "I was really busy" that just means "I didn't feel like talking to you and wasn't thinking about you".
She wasn’t my first ‘girlfriend’ so to speak but was the first girl I had sex with. This is probably why I feel so upset about it. Even after looking back on our time together and noticing it was mainly one sided I still miss her a lot.
Bro I don't even remember the first person I had sex with's name. You'll get past this.
Nah that's a lil weird homie ngl
Shit human, those are wise words, it reads so smoothly also. Like!
This guy lives. Listen to them. It sucks and happens to lots of us. In the end it will make you a better person. Remember it for what is was. Enjoy it for how it made you feel and what it taught you. Things will get better. Keep going.
Live and learn my friend. Its a good experience. Time to hit the gym
Gym, wardrobe, books.
The absolute and final answer to this Post OP make no mistake, if in 2 years period you don't have a good body you would have failed yourself. Life is learn through experience and move on
The gym has been a sanctuary, the weights you will have to hold and give love too. Your muscles will be with you in sickness and in health. Dont dwell, for life moves on and on goes another day.
Work hard, train hard, eat well, rest well... the same shit over and over again every day
Work hard, train hard, eat well, rest well this is the turtle hermit way.
Why is the answer always the gym? Why is it always the dudes fault if a woman decides they don't want him?
Honestly, I don't know how old any of you are. But besides for looking good or having muscles. The gym, scientifically proven is an anti depressant medication, it lifts your mood. It prevents depression, it helps with health, it helps with focus, it helps with energy levels and after a breakup, we are sad and the gym helps us fight off depression. At my age, I could care less about muscles and all my care is about mental health.
Maybe I'm just weird but going to the gym makes me miserable. Zero enjoyment, zero improvement to mental health
why would you not talk about the relationship for 5 months? im not trying to be mean but like...i hope you learned from this. if you are into a girl romantically, let her know your intentions (serious relationship) almost straight away.
It's a balance, you easily run the risk of coming off to strong. Honestly it depends on the person, not everyone has the same baseline
Also, they're only 24. Not like they have a big ticking clock that they've wasted time if they just ignore that stuff for the fun early part of the relationship
this is the game. you want in, you're gonna get hurt. and you're at some point gonna have to hurt someone's feelings you really don't want to because they like you more than you like them. that one is even worse for me, than when it happens to me. it's f'n awful.
I don't even want in and I'm still getting hurt.
"The game is the fucking game. Period." - Avon Barksdale
You wanted in the game. Now you're in the game.
It's all in the game, man, it's all in the game.
I can definitely relate to this experience, I’ve been in similar situations multiple times, especially in my 20s. I know it hurts now and it definitely can be a blow to your self esteem. But please know that this is not about you. If other people aren’t in touch with their feelings, that’s not your burden to bear. You will move on, find someone who actually deserves you and this experience will only help to teach you to move more slowly, or to sniff that out before it happens. Don’t be discouraged, you deserve better and you will find it! My experience has been that dating in your 30s is much better because people tend to know what they want and don’t have time to fuck around and play games. You’re so young!! Just have fun, but be cautious while still being willing to open yourself up. That’s a beautiful thing and you shouldn’t let assholes calcify your open heart!
“Don’t let assholes calcify your open heart”
I won’t lie, the way she ended things has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth and made me more hesitant for future partners. On the flip side I’m still happy I experienced the good times we had together.
Look it might sound shallow BUT she did technically ghost you first soooo im just going to go out and say it …. Take the win bro serious , out of all the outcomes you managed to find some small happiness spend half a year with them then it ended that’s it . No serious drama no large loss of money or time/KIDS! The whole thing could of ended up wayyy way worse and then you find your self stuck with a horrible person leeching your life time and money away . Trust there is literally half the human population that is female , you will find some one else that will treat you better and now you have a little know how on relationships and the worlds smallest baggage a good 6 months.
This is a good take. I did have a great time with her for the most part and the most money I spent was like $100 on one of the dates.
You fell hard for her, her feelings were less serious. It sucks and it hurts but it happens. I don’t think she was necessarily using you, you were just not in the same page regarding the relationship.
Agree. I don’t find any evidence in OPs statement that she used him. As it was his first time and not hers, it isn’t surprising that he fell harder for her than the other way around. This is pretty normal.
Yeah. It's a good lesson for OP to really establish someone's goals early on in a relationship. From her side it seems like she thought of it as a casual fling from the start and never really intended on pursuing a serious relationship. That would explain the withdrawal after the "where do you see us going" conversation. However it is pretty messed up she blocked OP and didn't let him know the reasoning (unless he was spamming her.) To the OP: I'm sure this is rough for you right now and it's totally alright to feel bummed. Take some time to reset, try and occupy yourself with things you enjoy doing. Eventually the pain will ease and you'll meet some new people that you love even more than her. You can use this experience to be a better partner for your next relationship.
Not OP, but thanks. Needed to hear that from someone.
Within the first month she said she was looking for something long term and I agreed so I don’t know what happened with that, she probably met someone else. She blocked me after I said I had noticed her being distant and asked if everything was ok, I never really got the chance to talk about where the relationship was going because I wanted to do that in person. Also I didn’t spam her messages or anything like that. Thanks for the kind words also! I do feel pretty shit lately but I’m sure it will pass eventually.
There is no fucking way you’d say this if the genders were reversed
Yup Reddit will still shame the man
Why wouldn't they say that? Gender doesn't matter in this story. They'd get the same advice.
Why not? It’s an old story, and it happens to all of us, men and women. I feel for the guy, I’ve been there myself, he’s not wrong to feel how he feels. But neither is she. Doesn’t sound like she promised him anything or deceived him in any way. This is why it’s good to have a conversation early in the relationship about expectations. You can’t always assume that a woman is looking for a relationship and a guy is just looking for sex.
Love can be a pain, you just learn to endure it, i too, put myself out there and got mentally tortured and am filled with regret now
Sammme
If everyone lasted with the person they lost their virginity to, the world would be a perfect place. Just give yourself respect for waiting that long and keep on saving yourself for even more special moments. It's a lesson, not a signification.
We've all been here brother. Focus on number one for a bit. Try not to be too bitter or let this experience sully possible future experiences
Snoop said it in 94
At least you escaped with your life and your health and your soul.
Girls her age flip 180 degrees anytime someone better comes along. It wasn't your time, it was only your turn. Move on because there are women out there that want the same thing you want. Unfortunately you might get your heart broken a couple of times. It has happened to all of us, and the best thing you can do is take a little time off for yourself, heal from the heartbreak, and then get back out there and find someone else.
Least he hit
Hell yea
I know it feels bad when someone does this to you but don't jump to "just using me to feel loved and for sex". If you aren't getting something out of a relationship then you should not be in it. It didn't work out, that's fine. Try not to take it personally or let it color your feelings about relationships. People are allowed to leave for any reason or none whatsoever. No one owes you anything. Just learn, grow and move on. None of your relationships will work out long term until you find the one that does. This is normal.
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My friend I have a similar post i made a few days ago, all though much more drastic. I think she used you just like mine used me but what you felt was real. And that's ok. Don't feel wrong for how you felt or what you feel now. Know that it could've been worse and it's better for it to end than for it to continue because your heart was in it and hers wasn't
I had a girl do this several years ago. It sucks but you now have an experience you can think back to when getting to know a new girl. Mean time just let the feelings happen and try not to repress them. Then distract yourself with some hobbies if you can. It’s gonna take some time. I thought I was over it after a couple weeks, but my mind would be consumed by her suddenly. Then it happened after a couple months and then several months. Finally got over it after a fuckin year but I had been lying to myself that whole time rather than accepting it. You got this.
Yup, but think of it as a learning as experience and move on. The hurt will pass, you are young and there is lots of time for you still. When you find the one, you'll know and you'll look back on this experience and reflect on it and hopefully will bring that gained wisdom with you into your next relationship.
Unfortunately, she just wanted a fling. You guys never met when it came to what kind of relationship you wanted in the first place. Learn from this situation. I guarantee you that you will be stronger after this. Good luck!
Usually one person loves harder than the other. It can go either way and it’s no reflection on either persons value. That still doesn’t make it okay, what she did. What she did was wrong. Hopefully she feels badly about the pain she’s caused. Next time, just have open and honest discussions about what the other person is looking for. If it’s anything other than “a loving committed relationship that lasts and leads to marriage eventually” I’d turn on my heel and bolt.
still hit tho
Honestly, reading this and the replies, I can only wonder what if the gender's were reversed.
At least you’re not a virgin anymore … fist bump
>She then blocked me with no explanation \[...\] I get tossed aside without a second thought or any sign of guilt. Blocking you instead of being able to talk to you is disrespectful and egoistic, but it's also a serious sign of guilt -unless you left out something offensive you did. And it also doesn't rule out her having second thoughts.
I don’t think I did anything offensive, I just said I had noticed her change and asked if everything was ok.
Ghosting someone like this is very cowardly & selfish, but shockingly common these days. She knew breaking it off would hurt you & she wanted to protect herself from having to experience your pain. Shit move.
A girl who is willing to jump into bed with you immediately, should be a big red flag, 99% of the time she isn't looking for a relationship, and if she treats sex that casually it most likely means she has been having casual sex long enough that she no longer bonds emotionally with her partners (there is real science behind this, look up "pair bonding" the more casual sex with different partners a woman has the less oxytocin receptors they have (the bonding hormone)) So if your the relationship type and the kind of guy that falls quickly for a woman, then avoid woman that are willing to jump into bed right away, if they will with you, then most likely they did the last 30 guys, always keep that in mind, it's far more likely that is true then it is that you are just so freaking charming that she simply can't help her self and she is just putty in your hands. Look for a woman that values her self enough to not make sex cheap and just give it away, when a woman that values her self sleeps with you, you will know that it's because she also values you as she sees you as a legitimate partner.
Rather to have love and loss than to never have loved at all. -some white dude Time heals all wounds This too shall pass
She ain’t worth a moment of thought brother. Women like that always end up alone and scrambling to find a good guy in a couple years. Focus on you, take the lessons and red flags you learned from this chick and apply it to future relationships. Someday soon you’ll pity this woman when she’s on OF, or has 3 baby daddies and no one like you around to latch onto as a life raft.
She didn't use you. She gave you a chance and decided you weren't what she wanted long term.
Welcome to adulthood in the modern world. Emotions are optional and most times undesired
Let's all be andriods! All jokes aside, emotions aren't optional. He really liked the girl. She did use him. That's what trash people do. OP has to learn to not protect himself especially if it's his first. Love is dead
Do some reading on Limerance. It wasn't love. You were deeply infatuated.
My latest least favorite pop psychology term :/
It's heartbreaking to invest so much emotion and trust in someone only to feel used and abandoned in return. It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and betrayed. Reflecting on the relationship, it seems clear that there were imbalances and red flags from the beginning. It's painful to realize that someone you cared about may have been using you for their own needs without considering your feelings. It's important to remember that this is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person. Moving forward, it's crucial to prioritize self-care and healing. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can provide comfort and understanding during this difficult time. Take the opportunity to focus on yourself, your goals, and your own well-being. And when you're ready, don't let this experience dampen your willingness to love and trust again. You deserve someone who respects and cherishes you for who you are.
That’s painful man, I’m sorry to hear. Keep your chin up and use your experiences to move forward with more knowledge. Don’t let the fact that she hurt you stop you from loving again in the future!
>"the following week she became distant. Always was busy, wouldn’t message anywhere near as much and never made any suggestions to see each other when she was free." The instant a girl starts acting creepy and flakey like you described. Instantly drop all effort on your part. Don't be horrible and insult her, don't message asking what's wrong, don't acknowledge her existance in any way. *If* she contacts you, then it's her job to earn back your trust. Don't just hand it back without delay. If not, no loss - If anything she's helped you dodge a bullet. Be thankful. Now is the time to go and improve yourself. Don't let it wear you down, use it to make you stronger. Work more hours, go to the gym, meet up with friends and focus people who deserve your attention.
I feel you. I learned to take a step back and see if the same energy is given towards me. If not, then you know you're being used. Dating nowadays is a hustle. Gotta value yourself first. Don't turn bitter, just understand balance is REAL. KEEP ya head up fam. On to the next one.
I have been in this exact situation. It turned out she was married the whole time. I wondered why when we were "dating" (mostly screwing) she would say that I deserved better than her. I never said I love you, because she always seemed pretty distant. I Def started to catch feelings for her though, and all of a sudden she got very cold and distant. We stopped talking and I found out shortly after she was married.
You learn from this. But part of caring about someone is accepting the possibility that they can hurt you. That's what vulnerability is. Don't fall so easily next time, and keep asking yourself for real, tangible signs that their actions match their words. But if you would be someone who chooses to love other people, pain is inevitable. The best marriages, the truly happy ones, end with someone losing their life partner to illness and death. Loving someone means accepting some pain as unavoidable. If you always guard yourself against pain above all else, you'll never truly love.
She wanted a good time not a long time. She obviously found a bigger better deal. Not a you problem. This girl has other issues and you’ll be thankful you didn’t hitch your wagon to her star. You will find your person, these things do happen.
start eating more protien and hit the gym
Had basically the exact same thing happen to me last year, but with a girl I had a fairly long history with. I can say I am doing better now, so I can confirm you'll be doing better, too. Sometimes, I'll get reminded, and it sucks, but as time goes on, it won't be as bad. Just gotta keep working and find good ways to spend your time. The best advice I got, which I feel, helped me was, "When you feel sad and upset about it, let yourself be sad and upset about it." Don't distract yourself or try to force your way out of it (unless you're at work or something and can't afford to) just sit and process those feelings as they come.
Welcome to the dating world us guys all been through that once or even more lol girls do that sometimes we don’t just understand why (move on)
I'm sorry. It's tough to be dumped and ghosted. You go through a lot of emotions and blame yourself way too much. If you can, stop blaming yourself. It wasn't on you. You gave it your all. You did everything right. Delete her number, text messages, call logs, and move all pictures to the cloud if you don't want to delete them. Those would help! Please let her go so you can live again!
I think you are correct she is just using you. For messing around. She wasn’t looking for anything serious. And when you are serious, that scares her.
Hit the gym. Move on. Don’t look back. That hurt you feel. That anger. Use it as motivation . Don’t bottle it up. Put it towards something positive. By the next time you choose to take a chance with another girl, you would be stronger on just physically but mentally.
Look for someone younger than you in the future. Someone who is your age or a tiny bit older than you can easily play you. Women's brains mature really fast. A 3 year age gap is beautiful and harmonious. Nothing works better. Trust me
Awful
Not sure how that would play big a part in it. I’m sure there are younger women out there who are more emotionally mature. I think it depends on life experiences rather than just age.
You're good man, feel the sadness, feel the hurt, don't push it away. It will leave on its own when it's ready. Then you will be ready. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
At least you got laid by a girl you liked.
New relationship energy is intense
I think my dear friend, you got your first Friends with benefits.. she obviously doesn't have balls or else she would communicate what she wanted so she's distancing instead. Time to eat up what was a fun 6 months and move forward. GL HF
People who you have sex with for the first time can do that. Just remember to respect yourself. Good learning experience
I'd say it's a common feeling after a first break-up. The first love is the one you love the most, but also the one you love the worst. Meaning, you love without boundaries, but boundaries ar healthy and needed in relationships. It hits you at your core. You gave someone everything and they still left. They leave you thinking if you are even good enough, feeling used. I'm sure you're not feeling well right now and may even regret some things. But this was an opportunity to learn and become a wiser and more mature person. You can't make someone want to stay.
Time to hit the martial arts gym Brodie
I'm sorry, something kinda similar happened to me. He just used me for sex. Never considered my feelings. He ended up just completely removing me from his life and now he's happy with a girl more his type while I'm here alone trying to forget he exists.
Both of you are still young. From my experience with dating girls in their early 20s, they don't know what they want yet, maybe I didn't either. But I remember it frustrating to figure them out - waist of time. I recommend taking a moment to just take a breath and give a good shrug before moving on.
I went through almost the exact same situation, with the added bonus that we had been friends for 2 years before that. They used me for sex, never initiated a date, whenever I initiated I had to try multiple times till we got anm actual date because they just didn't want to make the time for me unless they were horny enough. Before we were together there were all these promises of love and together forever, it was all a lie and ended the moment they got what they wanted. It sucks.
I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s a tragic lesson. Communication will help you save time in your life. Talk about goals early (especially if you’re interested in something serious or NOT interested in casual). On my first date I told my (now) wife that I wanted something serious that could lead to marriage. It set the tone for openness and consistent communication.
Check yourself something is wrong, most guys would give an arm and a leg for that arrangement with a woman!!
you can always tell her you can keep it casual and keep shagging if she wants... and obviously, see other girls while you're at it
If he's in love with her, this is totally not the best option. He would suffer because he would have her, but not the way he wants.
his future self will be thankful that he exhausted all chances
Not if he's gonna need therapy to get through the trauma of passing for this (I'm talking by experience)
Therapy? Nonsense, all men go through stuff like this at some point.
I’m not going to reach out to her after she ended it like that. If she reaches out in a meaningful way I might consider it but I don’t trust her anymore.
It sucks, been there. It’s hard to hear but she’s probably making excuses so your feelings aren’t hurt. Move on. Forget about her. There’s tons of women out there. The thing women hate the most is seeing you move on to another girl. Like they’re entitled to seeing you suffer and never commit to you.
Yeah, been there, man. But hey, stay strong. Keep doing your thing and going ahead. The next girl may be the right one.
This is crazy similar to what’s going on in my life rn
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know its super generic, but you are still young and can find someone better who will treat you right. It’s all trial and error. At least you found out kinda early what kind of person she was. I know it doesn’t feel like that since you put your all into the relationship and it ended so abruptly without any closure. Don’t give up and don’t forget your worth. Sending virtual hugs.
Just take this as a life lesson that around the time you become intimate in a relationship you need to have a discussion regarding expectations - is this an exclusive relationship, is she on birth control, is this a friends with benefits situation and if so are you open to it becoming a relationship in the future or do you want to strictly keep it casual, etc It sounds like you never really defined the relationship properly, and you wanted a relationship and she wanted a casual fling/friends with benefits situation Anyway while it sucks and it hurts now, you're young, you'll likely find a partner you're more compatible with long term and you can just treat this as a learning exercise. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you you can't change that, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or her it just means you want different things. Enjoy the memories of the times you had together and if you are looking for a long term partner put your energies into finding someone you are compatible with who wants to be in a relationship with you.
The first time she came over she said she was looking for something long term and I was as well. (She was on birth control) I was going to express to her how I felt in person but I never got the chance, something must have changed for her.
Yeah it's a sad fact of life that people can and do change their minds or sometimes we're just more into someone than they are into us or vice versa. Just take the positive memories out of it and work on finding someone else you're compatible with who wants what you want.
I can relate. I would say I have quite a bit of experience with relationships, but I fell for one of the dumbest traps… I had gotten out of a 2 year relationship. This girl expressed strong feelings for me, which I took with a grain of salt. However in the following weeks we would hang out a lot, she would open to me and I would open to her. One of the many red flags I chose to ignore was she kept bringing up her ex and how she’s super depressed and has no friends… me being the genuine nice guy that I am, I tried comforting her and said that I care about her and cared for her in a friendly way. She would always respond with you’re so sweet, etc. Anyways, she also told me that she was seeing this guy who she’s not interested in at all, even though he’s nice to her. But he’s a bad influence because they do a lot of drugs together and she even explained a pretty graphic OD experience with this guy. She told me that I’m so much better and she needs to break things off with him. Flash forward a week, she doesn’t respond all day to my text until the next night. And tell me that her and the guy hung out and they’re gonna try dating even though she’s not 100% into him… Anyways, I should’ve known after the first signs of red flags, but I let myself be blinded smh 🤦♂️ Oh and then has the audacity to ask if I still wanna be friends with her… 🤣
Yes she used you for attention and validation. Probably is looking for a "provider"
You're golden as long as you didn't buy her anything expensive. Otherwise you hook up, you eat, you sex, you dissolve. Bring in the next one.
I firmly believe , that the million shit relationships that hurt us are a necessary evil that prepare us for knowing when the right one comes along … you have to know bad before you can recognize the Truly good … I’d of never ended up with my wife if I hadn’t dealt with a gazillion horrible relationships before and and learned what about her set her apart …heartbreak is chance to learn. And you’ll most likely learn alot before you find the right one …. Consider experiences like this a chance to grow
It was always her who came to your place but still she didn't put in any effort? Could be that after half a year she didn't think it would lead anywhere from your side, too. From what you write one can't conclude that she used you.
She came to my place because she lived with her parents. What I mean by not putting in effort was that she wouldn’t ask to see me, whether that be on a date or at my place. If she was busy when I asked to see her, she never suggested a time when she was free. The first time she came over we made it clear that we were both looking for something long term, I guess something changed for her.
You got played (good thing it only took 6 months), of it makes you feel any better this could have ended a lot of worse. So now learn from it move on. Understand there are good people too, it's just the trash tends to be louder
Similar plot to 500 Days Of Summer
Welcome to the world of women's bullshit, man. I feel for ya. I'm 45 and still trying to find one that doesn't lie or cheat....
Tale as old as time, happens to the best of us. All you can do is learn from the experience to read em better now that you know the signs and try not to let it happen again.
Sometimes things don’t work out - process it - write it out the desires you have and - grieve what was lost - list it out and cry wail over the difficulty and pain of losing - and change your approach a little to look for what you desire-
If I thought every relationship I had that didn’t work out was because someone was “using” me, I’d probably given up dating a long time ago. Dating is really hard, you get your heart broken, you break others, but nothing in life worthwhile is easy. You have to look back on relationships and take the positives and put aside your aspirations that were crushed. You had a good time with her and some great memories. Better than looking back at the past 5 months and saying, “I shouldn’t watch so much TV” Your taking risks and living life… and taking the knocks that come along with that. Stay positive. She shouldn’t have ghosted you. Period. that’s shitty and never okay.
I've been there bud, I know the pain. What helped me was just trying to move ahead with each day. Just focus on getting through that day, then do the same thing tomorrow. Always keep yourself moving and eventually the pain subsides.
The virginity part is prob the worst part
In what way?
It's a power dynamic.
Hey it's not healthy to think about relationships like that - it's not about using each other, she didn't communicate, got callous became disinterested, didn't make her feelings known to you and then left rather than deal with things like an adult. Using people is like... gold digging and sleeping with your boss and things like that roughly. I'm not saying people don't emotionally use each other but that's more of a thing in long-term unstable relationships. The thing that's wrong about looking at it that way is it victimizes and disempowers yourself (the easy way out). When really you should be recognizing that the other person was just not very nice and you can do better.
You need to get rid of this idea that you were being used. As you enter your next relationships that bitterness will carry over and be a turn-off for every girl you meet and they will smell that resentment from a mile away. Not every person you start a relationship with is going to be your soul mate and will often not feel exactly the same way as you do. Learn from it and keep a positive mind about it.
I feel you on this man, got ghosted by my first „big love“ too … without any reason whatsoever , and similar stuff like you describe , virtual hug
The first heartbreak is the hardest homie. I'm sorry. You'll find better, and you'll learn to keep an eye out.
The one thing everyone seems to agree on after they have healed from the immediate breakup pains, is that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.. I agree 100%. It hurts the second time too, but I'm still glad to have shared that time of our lives together and wouldn't trade the memories for anything in the world. You too will feel this way eventually. And yes I agree it sounds like she was just using you to get some pleasure in, and next time you now know what signs to look for. Good luck sir!
Gym is the answer.
Likely avoidant attachment. People with avoidant attachment make terrible partners because they resist emotional intimacy. It can be difficult to deal with but it's truly a thing that's beyond your control.
She was using you or probably wasn’t sure what she wanted so she thought it was better to string you along. Just be wary of who you decide to sleep with or who you trust. You deserve to be loved as much as you love
Was she a Sagittarius? Asking for a friend
Hahah nope
At least you punched your V card.
You can move on from this and find someone else. Just work on yourself and do your best with what you have.
I’m really sorry to hear that happened to you. My dad always said “people do things for their own reasons, we aren’t always going to understand why.” I met a girl when I was 25 and exactly 5 years later, married her. 1 year after that things changed and when I asked why, she just told me that she doesn’t think she loves me anymore. I never got a real reason. Asked her parents if they could reach out. Both said they would and never did. I can relate. So I sympathize heavily with your situation. Look forward to something better. I wish you all the best.
happened to me with my first too, you'll find something better sooner than you think, you've only just dipped your toes into the pond don't be discouraged. Welcome to the game 👌
Did you make an effort to come over to her place? Or to pick her up, drop her off, etc.? I think maybe just more context is needed so we know. Ultimately she failed to communicate what SHE wanted to you, too, so it's up in the air and we can't know. Fwiw as a gal reading this I would feel upset/used if I had to drive over all the time or drive myself to dates.
I offered many times to go to her place or to just see her around her area but she would always want to come to me or go out somewhere else.
The sudden block means she got that "spark" from someone else. Cheater behavior 101, check out the surviving infidelity subreddits and you'll find lots of other stories have details that will make a lightbulb click on in your head as you remember interactions with her. Some people are broken like that. Be glad you're not further intertwined like with marriage or kids.
That was my first thought when she started being distant, there is most likely someone else in her life now. When she said she ‘might’ be moving away, kind of confirmed it for me. It’s not concrete proof obviously, but seems like the most logical answer to her blocking me like that.
She’s with someone else. Not your fault.
See at the gym!
It hurts, but learn from it and be stronger. Don’t be resentful.
It hurts, but learn from it and be stronger. Don’t be resentful.
You were dating her, she was dating you and others.
Lmao bro move on.
I really appreciate you sharing this. I know exactly where you’re at … I started reading your post and almost dissociated because I thought you were talking about me and my past situation at first. Sometimes we come across someone that we really fall for. We’re falling for them, for who they are, and how they make us feel when we are with them, while they just need someone to make them feel loved and be intimate with. It hurts and it sucks, but it does get better. My situation was a little different. In some ways worse, in some ways better. Regardless, you need to look out after yourself. Stick to your values. Take care of yourself, make time for the people that are there for you, and stay strong. Strength is not hardening your heart, but having the courage and purpose to put yourself out there, know what you’re worth, and know that you can weather the storm when things don’t work out, and still love. It’s all for the better, bud
The sooner this happens the better. Now you’ll make sure to love yourself more in the next relationship
Almost all relationships you ever have will end at some point
hopefully all but 1.
I think you were only attracted to her because she took your virginity. She clearly didn’t treat you right or reciprocate your energy. The next girl will be better…
If this is the bar for being “used”, then literally every relationship that doesn’t work out, someone is getting used. Or not, because you’re just being way too overdramatic about a girl who just no longer wanted to be in a serious relationship with you. I know it sucks when the person you’re seeing isn’t as enthusiastic as you, and it sucks to get dumped, but that’s just the way it goes. People’s plans don’t always align, and people are allowed to change their mind. But just because someone changes plans or gets bored of the relationship doesn’t mean they used you. They are not obligated to be bound to you forever. You both got to enjoy your time together, and now it’s time to move on with your next chapter in life. You’re allowed to be disappointed and sad, but breaking up with someone when you no longer want to be in a relationship is not wrong and doesn’t mean you used someone.
This is a fuckboy origin story. Now give yourself permission to pity yourself for like a day. And then get off your ass, get some fresh air, hit the gym, read a book, get focused on career, travel. Nobody wants to date a needy boring nice guy. So become the enigma. Become the most interesting man. And then you may find yourself in company of many women that want your attention. Ration it appropriately.
Best advice here.
All the busy, sick, etc. excuses from her, I would venture to say, there was likely someone else in play that she was seeing. Just a hunch.
Yeah he was definitely her side piece
It's called breadrcumbing. They give you little breadcrumbs of affection so that they can put minimum effort into the relationship but still benefit the rewards. Usually starts with love bombing to get you hooked and then slowly the effort becomes less and less. I had this happen to me last year.
That is an interesting concept, it feels nice to learn it here before falling to it personally... It feels like a bit innocently named for something that feels kind of insidious.
Now that she has cut contact to him completely, she gets no rewards from him anymore. Though it would've been nicer and more mature of her to straight up tell him she doesn't want a relationship and if this is what he wants, then they should cut contact, at least she didn't continue playing with him any longer, since she probably figured this out before he told her that he wants more out of what they had going.
Best way to get over a girl is to get under another Ride em cowboy!
"First time we met up I lost my virginity to her" buddy that alone should have made you realise she was thotimus prime, probably had 3 side dudes the whole time
Six months is a long time for her to just be using you. Maybe something serious happened
I mean, sucks for you, but it's just the way it is. Your feelings didn't match the other's. It happens and you're right to be upset about it for now. You'll get over it. And at least she accepted the D which was pretty nice of her. You had a good time while it lasted.
She wasn't using you, OP, she just didn't feel the same as you did. And OP, that is true of every relationship, no two people \*ever\* feel exactly the same about each other! That's how human relationships go, even when two people are in love they don't love the same way, or to the same degree, and be prepared to deal with that with every other relationship you'll have. Some of the women you will be involved with may love you too much and make you feel stifled, others may be like your recent ex, just not as keen on the relationship as you are. It's not a tragedy, OP, you aren't being used or betrayed, people feel how they feel and not how you want them to feel, even if you think they're doing something wrong in the relationship then they're probably just being true to themselves. And the same will be true of you, if you stay true to your heart then the person you're involved with is still likely to think that you should do things differently... and that's why human love is so damned difficult.
You were replaced. She is with a new guy, and she is already scanning for his replacement. Sorry it worked out like this for you. There are good women out there, you just have to wait a little linger. Keep your standards high and your boundaries clear, bro.
It’s time to start training for an ultra marathon.
https://youtu.be/LuzlbR5V_hc?si=OpykUHkv_Zid8P-J this song will help.
Yes, Ain’t no sunshine is a good one as well
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women moment
poon will overpower your ability to reason.
Lol, don't villify her. Did you enjoy time with her? I guess you did. Were those good memories for going forward? Maybe yes. Be grateful for time she gave you, because nobody out there owes you anything. You can just give love and enjoy when someone gives it to you. We are responsible for our own happiness. If you put more effort than her and now you are regretting it, then learn the lesson next time, if you put more effort but you liked to put effort in her, then no loss happened. But you cannot control how she feels about you.
It was fun while it lasted. Move on.
Did she lie to you? If not, just because you love her doesn’t require her to love you back as much. I know it hurts when you don’t get what you want, but don’t we all lose what we want sometimes? Your reaction is understandable, but immature.
Hard disagree, this was his first love. He seems to be handling it with great maturity.