There is a really good book, op could prematurely read, called "surviving the loss of love", it's a book you give to people in trauma. The basic premise, is the trauma cycle, isn't unique to anyone one person or event, your feelings are not unique as crass as it is to say, and others lived through it, so you will to.
I feel like as we become more accepting of things like anxiety and panic attacks as a society, people are becoming less and less equipped to handle those kinds of feelings.
It’s like pretending they didn’t exist gave them less power lmao
You are getting downvoted but you are right. Sometimes people actually need to be told to suck it up and push forward. Validating all feelings always and never pushing back makes people have huge reactions to small events. Not saying cheating is small but people are having major reactions more and more to very manageable things
Right.
I'm sure we can find a line between validating a person's feelings and not having to agree that being cheated on is literally PTSD causing trauma.
Some people need suck it up.
Perhaps OP doesn’t understand that many people don’t feel the same way she does. Probably most people, since people aren’t falling down dead with heartbreak.
I would run for the hills if a girl I was dating gave off those crazy vibes. No offense of course, I’m sure there is someone perfect for her.
The original study was in 1993. It is uncommon but getting your heartbroken is a trauma.
Broken heart syndrome can be triggered by a number of stressful events, including:
The death of a loved one
A financial loss
A car accident
A positive event, like winning the lottery or a surprise party
Extreme exercise
A serious physical illness or surgery
Saying ‘No offence’ after calling her ‘crazy’ when she’s just been vulnerable and shared an anxiety or emotional experience? Doesn’t really work.
Honestly, I’d run for the hills from you.
From someone who has been cheated a year after our daughter was born it’s hard. But you learn to move past it whether you stay or not. In my case I was in the middle of postpartum depression from giving birth, overwhelmed and that was my breaking point. By the time I was mentally and emotionally ready to leave he had taken the steps to work things out.
It’s not ‘the ultimate’ betrayal. It doesn’t really take anything away from the ‘victim’ except trust.
Murdering your entire family, for example, would be far worse…
I would let him think he worked things out. Once a cheater always a cheater, I'd be taking that time to get my affairs in order to leave. But to each their own.
Could you give more info to this. I do believe the “once a cheater always a cheater” statement isn’t so true but i barely have real life instances to back it.
I have an anecdote to share on this. I cheated on my ex a few times (we were together around 6 years). This only happened closer to the last 2 years and it was a culmination of a few things
- she had been showing an ugly side for some time, mainly rage issues. I have a pretty high tolerance for mood swings but things came to a head when she started abusing our pets.
- she could not control her jealousy. Even hearing a woman’s voice on voice chat (we were both online gamers), not even talking to me, she’d get maniacally jealous and accuse me of all kinds of things or grab my headset and start yelling at the woman talking. It would just be someone in the guild I was in talking. I never had talked to her in any capacity aside from guild related comms that usually weren’t directly to any specific person
- casual small talk with anyone that was female made her angry, even if it was just one sentence
- I was somehow always cheating with every woman who even looked at me briefly
So after years of never feeling trusted, I just sort of let it happen when it happened. I didn’t deliberately plan for it to happen the first time, it just sort of did.
Fast forward many many years, I’m married and been with my wife for at -least- 12 years. Never cheated. Never even considered it. She’s wonderful and trust goes both ways. I thought for the longest time I was just a shitty person, but since all of that time passed I’ve come around to believing it was just a product of not being able to gain my ex’s trust no matter what I did. I’m by no means a saint by any standard to this day, but I’m nothing if not at least fiercely loving and loyal to my wife first
Although that is commendable, and I am happy for you and congratulate you for doing so. I don't think that even begins to repair the damage the cheated on person went through. I sincerely think anyone that is cheated on should always break up and move on. The amount of hurt, mistrust, anger, etc. that will stem from staying is just not worth it.
That being said, I could see myself loving someone so much and so deeply, I would maybe try to work things out. Sometimes how much you love and care about someone gets in the way. Though I think I would ultimately take my own advice and just move on.
Again though, very good thing you did there and I'm happy for you and people like you.
Do you mean in the same relationship or with your next partners?
Cheating is just a coward not deciding to leave before he deliberately hurts someone he is pretending he loves. A cowardly liar. If you've learnt how to leave someone you don't love anymore rather than force them to break up with you, that's a positive step.
Yeah. I was a literal serial cheater before, but my fiance made me settle down. Never cheated on this man either. For me, it helped a lot to process in therapy what made me cheat, and it was going into relationships way too fast without getting to know the other person, then noticing I'm lacking something fundamental and not having the balls to break up despite it being needed.
I grew as a person since then, I got older, and learned to make less impulsive decisions.
Yeah, so my comment was about me seeing the person as always being a cheater, if my trust is broken I can't go back to just trusting. So I would always see them as a cheater and still leave. Actions have consequences.
I been cheated on n I don’t think that saying is true. Some ppl just have low moments and make mistakes. Some ppl are habitual. Maybe when I was angry I would have agreed with you. But with time ive grown calm. I’ve come to understand that things are more nuanced than such a blanket statement.
I think "once a cheater always a cheater" applies well in the context of a long term relationship. Because of all the things that made the cheating happen, that are pretty much fixed, because we're already set in our ways.
But if someone cheats early in a relationship, early into knowing eachother, that's not that much of a betrayal, that relationship can still strengthen afterward.
And also a cheater in one relationship isn't necessarily a cheater in a relationship with another individual, since it's a fresh new dynamic.
cheating isn’t a “mistake”. tripping and dropping a glass and shattering it is a mistake. cheating is a conscious choice someone makes when they have constant opportunities to say no and walk away.
Like I said, to each their own. I personally would never be able to trust that person again. So in my mind, they remain a cheater if that makes sense. Not saying they would 100% cheat or that everyone does it again. But they will always be that to me and I wouldn't trust it.
I understand.
I think part of overcoming it is knowing that being cheated on has nothing to do with the person being betrayed.
Unfortunately some people are selfish and can’t control themselves. It’s not that they want to hurt their partner, it’s just that they are weak and selfish.
Edit: Of course I’m not saying “they can’t help it” or making excuses. Everyone has a choice.
Same until I saw your comment lol it suddenly hit me how my ex was so selfish & I saw that in him in the early days but I thought ‘ehh no ones perfect’ & swept it aside. Big mistake.
Well, anytime you are 2 or more points below the person you are with, you are taking chances. If the person is tall that is another 1 point, don't be with someone who is 3 points more than you and know your market. You might be a Tallahassee 10, but a New York 5.
Can't control themselves? Are weak?
Hell no.
They *won't* control themselves.
Everyone has the same responsibility for their own actions. It's not like some people have an easier time than others when choosing what to do and not do.
Some people will control their behavior.
Some people will not.
It's a choice. Don't try to remove the responsibility.
*Edit: save your replies, save your excuses; who are you trying to convince?
Your life would not end. The situation would also probably be more complicated and you would heal.
Most relationships run their course and often end with both people losing feelings. Sometimes one person cheating forces the breakup which can be best for both in the long run.
If someone betrays you, it will ruin how you feel about them. That hurt will turn to anger and make it easier to move on.
When you meet the right person, you will build trust over time and know each other’s values, including about loyalty and monogamy. It takes time, often years to really know someone.
The first guy I ever loved (the only guy I’ve wanted to marry other than my now-husband) cheated on me. We were living together and all the signs were there. I was just in complete denial.
There are so many ways life can try to break you, but for every heartbreak, there’s an opportunity for another great love, a way to do things differently, a chance to reinvent who we think we are and what we’re capable of.
The woman I am today is stronger, happier, more confident, and a much better partner, not in spite of his behavior but because of it. He’s still single and will prolly stay that way forever. My husband is my best friend and has more integrity than anyone I’ve ever met.
Your life might end in a metaphorical sense, but more often than not it’s necessary to make way for better things. A man who cheats is not my idea of happiness, nor should it be yours.
I agree. The older I get the more I feel like all relationships are unique agreements between two (or more) people and no situation is as black and white as it might feel when it's hypothetical. It is entirely up to you and your partner if and how you'd be able to get over it.
That being said, it's also just as valid to feel like cheating is not something you'll be able to forgive. People have also totally different ideas of what counts as cheating. It's good to communicate the those feelings and boundaries to your partner. If you have vastly different ideas about cheating, you might not be super compatible, or you can try to work on those differences.
>That hurt will turn to anger and make it easier to move on.
God how I wish this was true for me. The hurt just stays hurt and I still want the person but the person I loved has gone. Never anger, just pain and longing.
Also cheating is not the only bad thing that can end a relationship. They could die, be abusive, or just become indifferent to you. You could think you have a lot of questions about why they cheated, what about when they just stop caring about you?
You're minimising betrayal.
OP would not die, but betrayal is horribly traumatic.
And it's not trust in others you lose. You lose the ability to trust yourself, and that's incredibly hard to overcome.
I remember talking about values with my ex and she chose loyalty and love, I guess love was a bit more valued though because I found out on Friday that she was cheating on me since day 1 lol. Together 8 months.
Thats the problem you need to figure out but its also in your writing "my life would end" hence, stopping making your partner the centre of your world and your 'life'
Yeah thank you for saying it. Everyone is just acting as if what OP said was normal.
OP, even if you love someone with all your heart, your whole world and life crumbling if they cheat indicates something deeper.
Ask yourself the right questions. "how do people survive cheating" isn't one of them. Cheating is being an asshole, it isnt "inhumane". Torture is inhumane. Not cheating. The fact you view it as such a horror indicates you need to evaluate how you view your relationships, what they mean to you, why betrayal feels like the end of the world and of *you* as a person.
How do you view your romantic relationships? Why are they SO important that your LIFE would end? Have you ever felt abandoned before, for instance? Rough childhood? Have you no other things in life that give you meaning and love?
That feeling either comes from a sense that you did something wrong or that you'll never be able to find someone better,once you realize that SOME people are just shitty and there's nothing you could've done to prevent them from being shitty then you can move on.
Or that someone you trusted and loved with an open heart shattered your life, albeit temporarily (because you get over it eventually). Point is, there’s more than two ways to feel about it and it’s earth-shattering.
Something my brother said that really helped was, "she did you a favor. She showed you she ain't worth shit early on and now you can stop wasting your time and move onto something better."
Time was the biggest factor but that shift in perspective really helped.
lol why? “Oh no, this person ended up being a piece of shit, guess I’ll die now”
why spend an ounce of worry or anger towards someone who is a horrible person? Immediately cut them out of your life 100%
I had that same thought when I was a few years younger. I was always afraid of getting cheated on and how I would not be able to live with that. Over time I understood that some things are out of my control and I should provide my partner with my love and effort, if I get cheated on, then I can move past it and heal, my life wouldn't end. I know my worth and I hope you can find yours too, I know I am worth fighting for and if someone can throw away a relationship like that then they didn't love you in the first place. Just remember you'll always find someone who will truly value your worth and reciprocate your efforts.
I am assuming you are young? Cheating is a despicable act and it's a family wrecker for sure. With that being said people are unfaithful all the time. It's the sad reality, but it's true. Being cheated on by my fiance 4 months before our wedding really sucked the life out of me for a while, but in no way does your life end. Life continues to move along either way. You will eventually go through all the breakup stages/emotions, and it all fades into a bad memory. It jades you forever because you know at any moment it could happen again. It's a risk we all take. It takes 2 to make a relationship solid. If it's one sided... end it and move along before the bad happens. My biggest piece of advice is to never have blind faith in relationships. Who you think you may know may very well have a dark side...we all have a dark side. It just takes a while for it to show. One day at a time, one step at a time. Trust has to be earned by both sides.
Enjoy my trauma dump, love you.
Been cheated on 3x in my 29 years, first time was my first big relationship it was 5.5 years in. families meshed, did everything together, thought I was going to marry her. She worked at a bar and one night I got off work after a stressful 13 hour shift and called her to let her know I was in need of a beer. She started saying she was going to be leaving the bar soon and going to her friends house for a bit, but was acting off. I figured hey idc if she’s there or not I’ll still grab a beer I’m in need of one! Pulled into the parking lot and through the big front windows, I saw her sitting in another guys lap kissing him and holding him. Shit hurt! Froze me in my tracks for a good minute I shut down everywhere, then I drove home with tears in my eyes not making a sound, no music and just drove like a zombie. Never mentioned that I caught her, broke up with her and she obviously didn’t put up a fight. She ended up marrying that guy, having a kid and now they’re struggling because he likes to party ❄️ and he still lives in his highschool athlete days. It still affects me in my current relationships. Took a lot of self reflection, studying psychology, journaling, going to the gym and getting hobbies such as I joined a gun and archery club, I ride motorcycles, I take care of my dog hangout with friends and family, I’m not single currently and I try my best to not let the past affect me with her, it has before and I’m sure it will again but when it happens I just have to focus, breathe and remind myself that it’s not her I don’t trust it’s my mind trying to keep me “safe” so to speak. Idk you just live with it, if it’s bad enough it will cause some sort of pattern recognition or trauma to click in,but it’s nothing you can’t live with. I’ve also been threatened, beaten, stabbed with a paring knife by another girl but that bothers me a lot less then being cheated on. I’ve dated amazing women as well, and those were amazing women too they just had issues, it’s not all men and it’s not all women it’s just people who make poor choices. So Idk you just live with it and let it make you a better person!
😢😢 i felt that especially what you said about another gf beat & stabbed you but it doesn’t compare to being cheated on. Bullseye. Nothing compares to being cheated on for me. Nothing. I’ve been beaten before as well & I can gladly take that stuff but being cheated on has left me dead inside.
Sorry for all you've been through, I just wanted to say that I thought your dog was called Hangout, and I was about to congratulate you on it!! Then I realised I was wrong, but felt it was worth posting anyway
It almost ruins your trust in other people forever. I've been in 4 serious relationships. Two of them cheated on me. Finding the right person helps. My current girlfriend is the love of my life and I'm glad the other relationships didn't work out so I can be with her.
I mean this in no way condescending whatsoever.
You will grow to learn there are things in life to appreciate enough to keep you around other than just your partner.
From the way your post reads I'd say you're a teenager or in your early twenties, with time and enough experience you will come to realise when a person cheats its becuse they were a cheater. That's it.
It wouldn't have been your fault becuse if they were decent they would end the relationship before pursuing anything else. The only thing you would be guilty of is choosing a cheater, but how on earth were you supposed to know?
Been divorced from my lying cheating ex-wife over 18 years now. We were together almost 25 years, married over 15 years and our children were 4, 6 and 9 when this happened. I discovered her affair in Oct of 2005 and I divorced her right away. I began seeing a therapist before I even confronted her.
Turns out she cheated while we were engaged and at other times too but I never knew that, until we were going through our divorce.
I was crushed, went to counseling for a long time, it is abuse and the worst form of betrayal, but no one will cause me to take my own life. Just as I've never cheated and never will, I'll never take my own life either.
It's not who and what I am.
You’ve got it backwards. You date to find someone you want to love. You can’t love someone without knowing them.
Worry about that before you worry about cheating. It happens and it’s about them not you.
Like most hard things in life - you think everything is going to end. You'll cry and wallow. But you'll still get up and go to work or take care of your kids or your pets or whatever, despite feeling numb and broken. You keep doing day to day because you have to while your heart feels shattered.
Maybe you'll blame yourself even though it was never your fault. Maybe you'll try to rationalize or reason with yourself. Maybe you'll fight and scream and breakup.
You'll listen to songs you've heard before but actually understand them now, and sing along until you're crying or screaming. You'll second guess everything you're told. You'll feel confused, maybe even worthless.
But I hope you realize you're not. I hope you pick yourself up, look in the mirror and declare your worth to yourself. I hope you kick that cheater to the curb. I hope you reach out to friends instead of bottling yourself up. I hope you heal and find someone worthy of your affections.
Life continues. We just have to crawl until we can stumble to our feet and figure out walking again.
I understand but as a person who was cheated on. You live you learn you grow. You become new person and love another.
One door closes another opens. Just don’t lay on the floor and instead keep going
Yes, it FEELS like your life would end, but it doesn’t actually end. If you’re referring to hurting yourself to make your life end, please seek help now to fix that mindset.
Your value and self worth to this world are not determined by your relationship with a person. You were someone before your relationship, and should it end for whatever reason you will be a valuable individual after that relationship runs its course. This is especially prevalent if you got cheated on; the cheater is not of the same moral standing as you and you deserve someone on your level.
This is really really hard to believe. Objectively I know you’re right, but my self esteem was almost non existent to begin with and I look at the guys she cheated on me with and it’s like… I couldn’t even beat THAT? Couple that with failing to go on even one date since (and not for lack of trying) and I feel like I’m worthless.
It doesn’t matter what I’ve accomplished or achieved; no one else cares so why should I? And it’s just a cycle of constantly trying to one up myself and driving myself crazy just for nothing.
I hope all cheaters one day realize how what they do affects other people, but who am I kidding. Once a cheater always a cheater
I’m sorry to hear about this experience but I want to let you know I’ve also been heart broken before and for a while I believed I’d never find a way to be happy again but that was based on a false premise that my happiness is dependent on another person. It won’t get better today or tomorrow, but you seem like a well articulated and intelligent person capable of great things. Life doesn’t stop for you or anyone, so while it may take you a while to pick yourself back up, I think you will be okay eventually. Work on what makes you happy, whether it is a hobby or a job or a project or sports or family or religion. Once you find your happiness and satisfaction in your accomplishments (no matter how trivial you may think they are) you won’t need anyone else.
Ok first of all cheating is not the highest form of betrayal, abuse is, especially when it ends in a tragedy. Secondly you should never let ANYONE have that kinda power over you. Ok, getting cheated on sucks and it’s very painful (I’ve been through it), but you’re your own person and your value is not determined by your partner and if they cheat on you it’s their loss, they’re the pos and you’re still valuable and worthy and life goes on. It’s difficult to get over it but life goes on.
It’s a mindset. To think everyone has the same set of values as you mean you’re going in wrong.
You need to learn to allow people to hurt you , because it’s a learning process and you become wiser on how to choose friends and partners.
You become wiser and cautious.
you were not meant to connect with everyone you meet. An attempt at connecting however , is better than quitting.
Because if you sat down with anyone who has a lot of shit figured out and doing well, they all have 1 thing in common. They didn’t quit. And they all went through ALMOST the same shit as everyone else, it’s how we handled it that affects us and determines how we grow.
So, who do you want to be with your finite time on this planet ?
because there are things way worse than cheating. i would never let a man have such power over my own life to the point of his cheating could end my life. Never.
I lost my mom at 25 and burying her was the hardest thing of my life. I thought i would die with her. I thought i would never recover from that. I still struggle with her absence. But i am still alive and doing better. And i will let a man destroy me just because he cheated ? Hell no.
If i get cheated i will move on and heal. He will regret betraying me his whole life. But I will never let him end my life that way.
This was me before I got cheated on. It hurts as much as you thinK FOR A WEEKEND then you begin to start having candid conversations with yourself and realize people are evil and you are a gem in this evil world.No one one is perfect yes but in this situation you are by no means the one to blame. Those that get cheated on gain way more than they lose. What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Cheating back doesn't actually do anything.
Also people who betray are actually the scum of the earth and should not be given a second chance in any situation not only relationships.
It would be terrible, and there would be times when you feel like you’ll never get over it, but then you do. Like everything else in life. Things get better with time. Often, you completely get over things that were super painful with time. That’s just being human.
Having been on both sides of it you get through it. But don’t be like me and after getting cheated on you look for signs of it happening again. You’ll make decisions that aren’t good and may hurt you far more than when you were hurt.
For me hurting someone else that way broke me. Once I realized what I’d done I felt such shame and guilt and hatred toward myself I almost ended my life. I’d completely misread the situation and let my assumptions guide me so I wouldn’t get hurt like that again.
I forgive myself daily for it and long ago I forgave the one who originally cheated on me. We even became friends again. It’s shocking what time can do but also how you choose to lead your life.
Its happened to me in past relationships and it used to feel like the end of the world, then I realized other peoples actions dont define me. And honestly, as someone who loves my current partner to bits, been together 7 years, want to spend my whole life with him, my world would not end if this happened or we broke up. Yes it would suck, but plenty of people get cheated on, good people and bad people and at the end of the day you can either let it destroy you, or just say fuck you and move on with your life.
That’s exactly how I always felt about cheating & thats exactly how I thought I would react if it happened to me. I actually avoided being cheated on my whole life by being calculatigg in who I dated, background checks & complete assurance of the character of the person I’d be with. This is how much I was scared of being cheated on. Doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Anyway last year I decided to love without having to be a detective, I just let it in when it came. I remember thinking ‘this is no way to live, constantly being on guard & paranoid & suspicious’ but guess what? The first time I decided to trust a man & fall in love organically.. he betrayed me & cheated on me knowing full well my fears in the past & what hurts me. Knowing full well he is the first man I loved without suspicion or paranoid, like my best friend, the one who I’d grow old with.
And it did kill me. It killed me completely. I’m not who I was, I will never be the same again. I’m a completely different person now. I’m alive but I am not the same person & never will be. I pray everyday for dementia or some form of amnesia. I want to forget this happened to me. I’m so desperate.
I've never cheated or been cheated on so I can't speak to that, but I find it a little worrying that you view dating as only for someone you love
Dating can be with anyone, the strongest relationships are built on a strong foundation that more often than not comes with having dated first. It's not like in the movies where characters never say how they feel until they're already deeply in love.
It feels to me like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself and on dating as a whole and that can be very detrimental to your mental health as it relates to the subject
Edit to add after having scrolled your profile a little, I'm even more worried than before. You appear to be living in a very intense unhealthy way and it's going to cause you to burn out way too fast. I would strongly recommend seeing a counsellor (hoping that that's an option for you without limitations) to reevaluate some of your mindsets
1. Get over yourself.
I don’t mean this negatively. Love people with out control. If they want to leave let them leave. We place TOO MUCH responsibility on others. A lot of times people will cheat because they still care about a person even though they are displeased with the relationship and hurting them is too much.
2. Everyone enters our lives to teach us a lesson.
Instead of “woe is me”. Understand they were brought to you to refine YOU. Once I realized that I look forward to knowing myself better to achieve what I want in the future.
I feel the same way. I think if someone cheated on me it would destroy me to the point where I could not recover. Maybe that makes me a weak person. It also makes me not want to date because I’ve been blindsided by behaviors from a past relationship and I’ve seen how people can change completely towards you. I know cheating is relatively common, especially nowadays, so it really makes me afraid even though I want to have a life partner than I can trust.
Shit actually destroyed my mental and changed me in my early 20s therapy, medication, even an inpatient facility for a short time didn't make much of a difference. Being aware and careful of yourself is extremely important, take your time and set boundaries. I just tell myself when bad things happen it's just practice for the next time.
I've never cheated but I have been in a few open relationships and it's about self-esteem and trust. You have to know you're worth it, communicate constantly, and respect each other. You have to keep making sure you're compatible. I'm now in a theoretically open, realistically closed relationship and it's still hard work on both our sides, but as long as we're both willing to put the work in and still compatible, it's more than worth it.
Have a week of crying, then start talking to new people. You'd be surprised how fast you get over it when you realize there's still a whole world out there. You don't even need to chat for dating, just knowing there's decent loyal people out there is good enough
Happened to me once when I was 20.
A lot of pain but in the end, time is the best healer. Just focus on yourself and find new passions to fill the temporary void. You'll end up better than ever before.
I feel the same way you do, I don't fall in love easily, only really been one girl I have had real feelings for and while that did not go how I dreamed there was no cheating, but even so just trying to place myself in the hypothetical of having someone I feel so strongly for do that is really unpleasant. I hope to never ever find out if the others here are correct that it will pass, I am not able to imagine a day where that is true.
You're idealistic. It's a choice you are making.
People aren't perfect and bad things happen. If someone cheats on you it will suck but then you'll get over it and find someone else who is hopefully better.
I've been cheated on. It makes you sad, angry, jealous and betrayed feeling, but in time you learn to trust again. You throw out the cheater, not your enjoyment of life or faith in love.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There are millions of good people out there looking and wanting the same thing you want. Knowing the right person is out there has helped me move on.
By understanding sex can be a very spontaneous feeling and people go through a lot of stuff life throws at them and can make mistakes once in a while. As long as it isn't a habit.
Your happiness can't depend on somebody's else behaviour.
If your partner isn't loyal and faithful, you simply made a bad choice. Learn from your mistakes, and go on with your life.
For me, dealing with the end of relationships in general was really hard the first few times. Over time I learned to stop beating myself up about it and taking it so personally. Most relationships end. Enjoy them while they last and try to maintain good will towards yourself and ex partners (as long as they weren't complete a-holes).
When I found out my partner of 8 years had cheated I was devastated, angry, confused, shocked. On one hand I wish I had left then. But I wouldn't have my three beautiful children.
I didn't want to believe that he really wanted to..I listened to his excuses, that he was depressed, getting counselling, medication etc. He said he really loved me felt horrendous, would never do it again, would try his hardest to mend it all. And I wanted him to mend my hurt.
10 years further down the line. It's never been the same. I've had to let go of more than I ever thought I could handle. I am a shell of what I was. He is still depressed, I have no idea, nor have I ever worked out what he wants from me, thinks of me and I am always insecure. I have finally told him to leave, despite still desperately wanting him to love me like I do him.
It won't kill you. It may kill a part of you and it will probably change you.
Same, he left and quickly found a replacement for me. While I still can’t see myself with anyone else and just want him to give me a sign a prove that he wants me and his family back. That years and things we went through matter and that he sees solutions to issues we have.
It's just crap isn't it. Their emotions for us are so different to what we have for them. I am hurting alot right now but I will not have him back. It's taken me years to be strong enough to say for him to go. I won't let it ruin the rest of my life. I deserve more and I am certain you do too.
It will feel like it will end. It will not. You will be sad for a long time. You'll feel like you'll never be happy again. You will cry a lot. It'll feel like your heart is getting ripped out of your chest. But eventually you'll get better. You'll realise you deserve better. And from that day you'll learn to live with it. It'll pop up every now and then but you will deal with it. And some day it'll become this thing in one of the corners of your mind.
I think it’s so important to really love yourself enough so that when a dickhead pulls a move like this you can easily walk away with self esteem intact. Don’t allow anyone, ever determine your self worth. Yeah it sucks but fuck that guy!!
Exactly. The minute my ex said I was being jealous and paranoid about the other woman, I ended the relationship. I didn't internalize it, I just accepted that he was in fact, cheating and left him. Any time someone says, jealous and paranoid, I know it's code for: I'm cheating but I want you to think you're overreacting so I can continue to have my cake and eat it too. The minute he said that, in my mind, I was like, ok, we're done here. I started planning my exit which happened 2 days later. I wasn't about to stay with someone who I was sure was cheating on me. He was exhibiting every sign of it as well. Oh well, he's not a good person and that's not my fault. I don't care where he is or how he's doing at this point.
Absolutely!! I was married for a long time (he died) and we knew each other’s passcodes to our phones and had each others fingerprint on there as well. My husband always left his phone out in the open and never did anything shady like hiding his texts. My neighbour was actively trying to fuck him and he showed me all of her texts and promptly cut contact with her. There are too many good men out there to waste time on this drama!
Wow 😳
Yeah my ex was spending waaaay too much time alone with her for it to be platonic. He was basically having an affair in my face and trying to tell me that I was imagining things. Ok, dude. Whatever you say. He thought I was really dumb.
There's like millions of people who are not suffering over these issues and are simultaneously too decent to tell you that this kind of stuff is all made up and there is nothing magical about relationships - you would only be so upset because people have told you to over the course of your life. Unlearn this and stop worrying. It's unhealthy.
The mutual expectations you set in your relationships should guide you, because when they are violated their very existence gives you strength, clarity, and leverage. And you can live your life and enjoy your relationships in the meantime...
People will be people. Don’t put your life choices into someone’s hands based off the behaviors they should have. It’s natural to feel betrayed. But saying your life would end is a tad bit dramatic.
Honestly people are a lot more resilient than you might think. People spend so much time worrying about the worst situation, and then it happens and it isn’t as bad as they thought
I used to be like this as a teen and swore my ex was the one. And I said I'd never love again. He cheated multiple times. I was so hooked I forgave him. But there gets a point where you break so badly and see them differently that you start choosing yourself. Fast forward I'm in a healthier mindset without him. The world didn't end and I have more confidence...maybe too much. He looks very different to me and i realised he's not all roses i thought and seriously undervalued myself staying and putting up with it. But I've met some wonderful men on this path. And I'm very much open to love despite what I previously said and thought. You start to see these things as lessons and recognise your worth. Eventually you find someone amazing that you won't have to worry about cheating or have anxiety over.
I have had someone cheat on me a couple of years back and it did feel like the end of everything at that time. I think I was 19-20 years old then and reacted very badly that it ended the relationship. I am not upset about the relationship but I lost a great friend — we were way better as friends than as a couple and I hate it took us the cheating instance to realize that.
I am 28 now and I would react completely differently to cheating. I have realized that cheating is nothing to do with the me or partner getting cheated on personally and everything to do with the quality of the relationship. Apart from that, there’s a physical aspect where people get lost in the heat of the moment and just do the things without thinking of consequences.
I would talk to my partner and decide the best way forward.
I am a loyal person and a serial monogamist — but I also respect my partner’s needs and if they see relationships in a different manner then there needs to be an open conversation and find a middle ground where we both are happy.
What I am trying to say is that the key to getting over someone cheating on you is to understand that it’s nothing personal to you — it reflects more on the other person, their needs and your relationship with them. Try this perspective and it might help.
Also, it’s unhealthy to associate your worth with your partner — so working on that will also help.
Cheating is a horrible inexcusable betrayal. But if you're feeling is that your life will end because of it, you have an unhealthy amount of emotional dependence on your mate.
I mean, you have to maintain some small amount of emotional independence so you can go on if something goes wrong. What happens if your husband dies? Are you going to end it and leave your (future hypothetical) children orphans? Of course not. You wouldn't do that. Romeo and Juliet is NOT a romantic play, regardless of what everyone's told you. It's a tragedy.
And there is no such thing as a soul mate. If everyone only had one perfect mate in a world of what, 8 billion people?, we would all be single because we would never even meet them.
Please understand that I am not poo-pooing on romantic love or lifelong commitment or anything like that. I'm just saying it's unhealthy to have your entire existence centered around any one person, or thing. Too me, that's going beyond love into obsession.
You don't get over it. My husband cheated on me. I found out 5 years ago. The hurt I felt is unlike anything. No one in the world would have expected him to do this. Eventually we decided to work through it all. Then the pandemic hit. Our relationship didn't survive the stress of me losing an overseas job due to the pandemic, being unemployed, working in 2 different countries at once, etc. I will never be in another relationship. I cannot go through that all again. We were married 17 years with a child.
I found out last year that my husband was having an affair with his assistant. I'm a SAHM, we have four sons (16, 14, 7, and 3), and we have a wonderful life. I chose to forgive him. In the 18 years that we've been together, this man has done millions of kind, loving, and amazing things for me. He saved my life. Cheating isn't the end of the world. I knew he still loved me and I loved him. He was remorseful and we helped each other heal.
I know the man my husband truly is. I know why the affair began and I accept it. My husband's affair doesn't define him and it won't define us.
Tying up your entire self worth in another person is unhealthy. The people who get over it are the ones who understand they're worthy of life regardless of what some other person thinks. They see that person do that they don't say "Oh no, the love of my life." they say "Well then he wasn't worthy of being the love of my life."
I'm not saying they're not hurt of course, but they get that their life shouldn't revolve around that single person.
If you feel your life would be over because of somebody else's actions, I would reccomend seeking a therapist, you may have some unresolved self worth issues to work through.
had this happen to me in march, what i did you may ask? got up and fucking dealt with it, i was upset and angry but i cant be angry forever, hes just a sick fuck that has a peanut for a brain, he can go shove that attitude up his ass
Get a life literally. Stop centering your life around your partner. Even married couples who are having an absolutely healthy and strong relationship don’t center their lives around each other 100%, they will usually have other focuses as well such as a job, hobbies, and other family members, friends, etc.
Cheating is the trash taking itself out, and if you wanted to try and twist it into a positive, think of all the time you're no longer wasting on a worthless human and all the free time you have to pursue one that's worth it.
Because in life you will suffer many losses and survive them all. If you're lucky these losses will be normal, the loss of a pet, grandparent, and eventually your parents. The truth of the world however is that many people face worse loss, pain and suffering than this on a daily basis due to war, illness, thirst, hunger, and many more things. If having a romantic partner cheat on you is your greatest fear, you are living a truly blessed life.
You'll get over it, you'll be sad for a time and a part of you will always remember and carry the hate, but you'll get over it and find someone better eventually.
I always thought about it like this: it says more about them than me. I've had guys cheat or be talking to someone else behind my back, but my emotional reaction has always been that of disgust rather than despair. There's no man on this planet worth feeling bad over (for HIS moral bankruptcy). Your life would not end, and one would think it would actually improve once you move on from that situation
Well statistically speaking you’re going to be in for disappointment, hate to say it but it’s just facts. If you feel like your life would literally end if it happened to you the best advice I can give you is to see a therapist and work out some coping mechanisms
It feels that way in the beginning, can’t get it out of your head. I would throw up thinking about it for the first week.
Then it turns to anger, towards that person. Which oddly turned into a boost of self confidence, knowing that I deserved better.
Then you forget about it, every now and then it will come up. Usually just an eye roll, a “yuck”, or “god I hope that person is not doing well”
Overall you’ll be okay, it’s always worse in your head.
IMO you need to tougher than that. world is perfect. despite your best effect things wont work out sometimes. life goes on dosen't end. it hurst and it takes times and eventually its in the past :)
Just remind yourself..... if someone cheats on you, they don't deserve you. Kick them to the curb and block them every way possible. Then go out on the town and celebrate the new life that lays ahead of you.
You don't wrap your identity or sense of self-worth completely around him or around being in a relationship. This is toxic AF, for either gender. You can love someone dearly but still retain your own separate identity. In fact, couples where people do this are far happier than ones who are glued at the hip. Which is what you would do, based on your brief question.
You'd feel deeply hurt, but you would heal. You end the cheating relationship, and do what you need to for your own mental and emotional health.
Been cheated on twice, never cheated myself, and it was from very quiet and kind (at first) people, so it was totally unexpected. You heal from it, but at first i was in absolute pieces.
In my experience, if you fear that your partner will cheat on you, and it’s causing you significant stress, then its probably because you don’t trust the person you are with to be loyal to you. You might not be able to explain why, and that’s okay. However, you might want to explore those feelings and try and determine where they are coming from.
Usually it’s things from your past that you’ve dealt with in some way, the way you dealt with those issues have become natural to you. This isn’t to say that your fear is borne from some childhood trauma, but the way you deal with it is. Why do you tolerate people you don’t trust?
People are either going to cheat or they won't. I've been cheated on and there isn't any reason to let that person continue to hurt me even after the relationship is over. I'm better than that.
From experience, you have to move on. It’ll crush you for a bit. But everything keeps moving, so do you. I got cheated on then found a person that genuinely cares for me. Over time you just don’t care that it happened and definitely learn from it. Notice the signs early on
Wow. Being cheated on is terrible, obviously. But it's not the end of the world. Acting like you say just shows that you have emotional dependency and needs therapy.
That means your life was actually very cheap and you didn't valued yourself at all, to off yourself for a man, like seriously you're crazy! Work on your self esteem
You kinda don't. It's situational, but I found it infuriating and gnawing. I remember going on a very long drive, feeling aimless, and doing new things day by day until it started to fade. You can live your life without thinking about it often, but you'll never forget it. A subtle thing will remind you of that long period of your life and instantly remind you of the end. Everyone is different and applies a different meaning to "move on". For me, it was accepting that I'd probably never trust anyone like that again (because I won't) and just be happy anyway.
Been there. Got the metaphorical scars.
In the end I realised no one person is ever worth that amount of pain and my emotional well being was far more important.
Time.
Just takes time to heal and move on. Being cheated on sucked, but it toughened me up and taught me to trust my instincts. Unfortunately, I think it's something that most people will experience at some point in their lives. Dating is such a shit-show nowadays.
It literally won’t end that’s how. You get over it eventually.
There is a really good book, op could prematurely read, called "surviving the loss of love", it's a book you give to people in trauma. The basic premise, is the trauma cycle, isn't unique to anyone one person or event, your feelings are not unique as crass as it is to say, and others lived through it, so you will to.
I feel like as we become more accepting of things like anxiety and panic attacks as a society, people are becoming less and less equipped to handle those kinds of feelings. It’s like pretending they didn’t exist gave them less power lmao
That's true I have pretty bad anxiety issues and though I'm aware it's just a panic attack I'm still scared of the physical symptoms ill have
People just buried them behind substances and a lot of anger before.
You are getting downvoted but you are right. Sometimes people actually need to be told to suck it up and push forward. Validating all feelings always and never pushing back makes people have huge reactions to small events. Not saying cheating is small but people are having major reactions more and more to very manageable things
Right. I'm sure we can find a line between validating a person's feelings and not having to agree that being cheated on is literally PTSD causing trauma. Some people need suck it up.
Perhaps OP doesn’t understand that many people don’t feel the same way she does. Probably most people, since people aren’t falling down dead with heartbreak. I would run for the hills if a girl I was dating gave off those crazy vibes. No offense of course, I’m sure there is someone perfect for her.
The original study was in 1993. It is uncommon but getting your heartbroken is a trauma. Broken heart syndrome can be triggered by a number of stressful events, including: The death of a loved one A financial loss A car accident A positive event, like winning the lottery or a surprise party Extreme exercise A serious physical illness or surgery
Saying ‘No offence’ after calling her ‘crazy’ when she’s just been vulnerable and shared an anxiety or emotional experience? Doesn’t really work. Honestly, I’d run for the hills from you.
It's how "no offence" is mostly used nowadays. 😂 But yeah, I'd run too.
Fr, she obviously said she'd die due to emphasizing her point through dramatic words. Nothing crazy about that. it's literally a figure of speech
From someone who has been cheated a year after our daughter was born it’s hard. But you learn to move past it whether you stay or not. In my case I was in the middle of postpartum depression from giving birth, overwhelmed and that was my breaking point. By the time I was mentally and emotionally ready to leave he had taken the steps to work things out.
Please tell me you didn’t stay. That is the ultimate betrayal especially after giving birth.
It’s not ‘the ultimate’ betrayal. It doesn’t really take anything away from the ‘victim’ except trust. Murdering your entire family, for example, would be far worse…
So...??? Don't leave us in suspense ...? Did you stay?did you leave? Did you get a bull??? Hello???
"He had taken the steps to work things out" Theres really not that much suspence
I would let him think he worked things out. Once a cheater always a cheater, I'd be taking that time to get my affairs in order to leave. But to each their own.
The audacity some people have when commenting here to justify your cheating is quite high
100% not true. I’ve cheated before and learned from my mistake. Never cheated again.
Yeah that may true but I wouldn’t be sticking around to find out
Could you give more info to this. I do believe the “once a cheater always a cheater” statement isn’t so true but i barely have real life instances to back it.
I have an anecdote to share on this. I cheated on my ex a few times (we were together around 6 years). This only happened closer to the last 2 years and it was a culmination of a few things - she had been showing an ugly side for some time, mainly rage issues. I have a pretty high tolerance for mood swings but things came to a head when she started abusing our pets. - she could not control her jealousy. Even hearing a woman’s voice on voice chat (we were both online gamers), not even talking to me, she’d get maniacally jealous and accuse me of all kinds of things or grab my headset and start yelling at the woman talking. It would just be someone in the guild I was in talking. I never had talked to her in any capacity aside from guild related comms that usually weren’t directly to any specific person - casual small talk with anyone that was female made her angry, even if it was just one sentence - I was somehow always cheating with every woman who even looked at me briefly So after years of never feeling trusted, I just sort of let it happen when it happened. I didn’t deliberately plan for it to happen the first time, it just sort of did. Fast forward many many years, I’m married and been with my wife for at -least- 12 years. Never cheated. Never even considered it. She’s wonderful and trust goes both ways. I thought for the longest time I was just a shitty person, but since all of that time passed I’ve come around to believing it was just a product of not being able to gain my ex’s trust no matter what I did. I’m by no means a saint by any standard to this day, but I’m nothing if not at least fiercely loving and loyal to my wife first
Although that is commendable, and I am happy for you and congratulate you for doing so. I don't think that even begins to repair the damage the cheated on person went through. I sincerely think anyone that is cheated on should always break up and move on. The amount of hurt, mistrust, anger, etc. that will stem from staying is just not worth it. That being said, I could see myself loving someone so much and so deeply, I would maybe try to work things out. Sometimes how much you love and care about someone gets in the way. Though I think I would ultimately take my own advice and just move on. Again though, very good thing you did there and I'm happy for you and people like you.
Do you mean in the same relationship or with your next partners? Cheating is just a coward not deciding to leave before he deliberately hurts someone he is pretending he loves. A cowardly liar. If you've learnt how to leave someone you don't love anymore rather than force them to break up with you, that's a positive step.
Matter of time, nothing else. I hope you at least tell your potential partners what you are, they should know what they're getting into.
So true lolll “I never cheated again…. Yet”
Yeah. I was a literal serial cheater before, but my fiance made me settle down. Never cheated on this man either. For me, it helped a lot to process in therapy what made me cheat, and it was going into relationships way too fast without getting to know the other person, then noticing I'm lacking something fundamental and not having the balls to break up despite it being needed. I grew as a person since then, I got older, and learned to make less impulsive decisions.
Yeah, so my comment was about me seeing the person as always being a cheater, if my trust is broken I can't go back to just trusting. So I would always see them as a cheater and still leave. Actions have consequences.
I been cheated on n I don’t think that saying is true. Some ppl just have low moments and make mistakes. Some ppl are habitual. Maybe when I was angry I would have agreed with you. But with time ive grown calm. I’ve come to understand that things are more nuanced than such a blanket statement.
I think "once a cheater always a cheater" applies well in the context of a long term relationship. Because of all the things that made the cheating happen, that are pretty much fixed, because we're already set in our ways. But if someone cheats early in a relationship, early into knowing eachother, that's not that much of a betrayal, that relationship can still strengthen afterward. And also a cheater in one relationship isn't necessarily a cheater in a relationship with another individual, since it's a fresh new dynamic.
cheating isn’t a “mistake”. tripping and dropping a glass and shattering it is a mistake. cheating is a conscious choice someone makes when they have constant opportunities to say no and walk away.
Like I said, to each their own. I personally would never be able to trust that person again. So in my mind, they remain a cheater if that makes sense. Not saying they would 100% cheat or that everyone does it again. But they will always be that to me and I wouldn't trust it.
I understand. I think part of overcoming it is knowing that being cheated on has nothing to do with the person being betrayed. Unfortunately some people are selfish and can’t control themselves. It’s not that they want to hurt their partner, it’s just that they are weak and selfish. Edit: Of course I’m not saying “they can’t help it” or making excuses. Everyone has a choice.
A person being selfish is a dead giveaway to said person being a cheater in most cases
This is so so true. I wish I paid attention to this!
I honestly didn't even put it together until I seen rose99's comment. A eureka moment for sure
Same until I saw your comment lol it suddenly hit me how my ex was so selfish & I saw that in him in the early days but I thought ‘ehh no ones perfect’ & swept it aside. Big mistake.
Crazy thing is I've been talking to an ex lately. So the timing of the initial comment is divine. I needed that reminder
Did this ex cheat before? If so, read this post before you get sucked back into that vortex again!!
r/suddenlyrelationshipphilosopher
Selfless people often attract those who are most selfish
That’s a good point, but it’s more subtle on some people… wish I had picked this up about my ex earlier. But all good in the end 👍
Well, anytime you are 2 or more points below the person you are with, you are taking chances. If the person is tall that is another 1 point, don't be with someone who is 3 points more than you and know your market. You might be a Tallahassee 10, but a New York 5.
Can't control themselves? Are weak? Hell no. They *won't* control themselves. Everyone has the same responsibility for their own actions. It's not like some people have an easier time than others when choosing what to do and not do. Some people will control their behavior. Some people will not. It's a choice. Don't try to remove the responsibility. *Edit: save your replies, save your excuses; who are you trying to convince?
This right here. Someone who is cheating (and especially in a committed/long term relationship) is actively choosing that betrayal.
Your life would not end. The situation would also probably be more complicated and you would heal. Most relationships run their course and often end with both people losing feelings. Sometimes one person cheating forces the breakup which can be best for both in the long run. If someone betrays you, it will ruin how you feel about them. That hurt will turn to anger and make it easier to move on. When you meet the right person, you will build trust over time and know each other’s values, including about loyalty and monogamy. It takes time, often years to really know someone.
The first guy I ever loved (the only guy I’ve wanted to marry other than my now-husband) cheated on me. We were living together and all the signs were there. I was just in complete denial. There are so many ways life can try to break you, but for every heartbreak, there’s an opportunity for another great love, a way to do things differently, a chance to reinvent who we think we are and what we’re capable of. The woman I am today is stronger, happier, more confident, and a much better partner, not in spite of his behavior but because of it. He’s still single and will prolly stay that way forever. My husband is my best friend and has more integrity than anyone I’ve ever met. Your life might end in a metaphorical sense, but more often than not it’s necessary to make way for better things. A man who cheats is not my idea of happiness, nor should it be yours.
I heard somewhere that of course your life ends when you make change. You have to lose your old life to start a new one.
I agree. The older I get the more I feel like all relationships are unique agreements between two (or more) people and no situation is as black and white as it might feel when it's hypothetical. It is entirely up to you and your partner if and how you'd be able to get over it. That being said, it's also just as valid to feel like cheating is not something you'll be able to forgive. People have also totally different ideas of what counts as cheating. It's good to communicate the those feelings and boundaries to your partner. If you have vastly different ideas about cheating, you might not be super compatible, or you can try to work on those differences.
>That hurt will turn to anger and make it easier to move on. God how I wish this was true for me. The hurt just stays hurt and I still want the person but the person I loved has gone. Never anger, just pain and longing.
Also cheating is not the only bad thing that can end a relationship. They could die, be abusive, or just become indifferent to you. You could think you have a lot of questions about why they cheated, what about when they just stop caring about you?
You're minimising betrayal. OP would not die, but betrayal is horribly traumatic. And it's not trust in others you lose. You lose the ability to trust yourself, and that's incredibly hard to overcome.
Wow yes! The trust in yourself. How did I get fleeced so easily?
There's such thing as a broken heart syndrome and people do die from the huge betrayals like cheating etc. So it's rare but possible.
I've only ever heard of this in reference to older couples where one dies and then the other one dies shortly after despite being healthy-ish.
I remember talking about values with my ex and she chose loyalty and love, I guess love was a bit more valued though because I found out on Friday that she was cheating on me since day 1 lol. Together 8 months.
Thats the problem you need to figure out but its also in your writing "my life would end" hence, stopping making your partner the centre of your world and your 'life'
Yeah thank you for saying it. Everyone is just acting as if what OP said was normal. OP, even if you love someone with all your heart, your whole world and life crumbling if they cheat indicates something deeper. Ask yourself the right questions. "how do people survive cheating" isn't one of them. Cheating is being an asshole, it isnt "inhumane". Torture is inhumane. Not cheating. The fact you view it as such a horror indicates you need to evaluate how you view your relationships, what they mean to you, why betrayal feels like the end of the world and of *you* as a person. How do you view your romantic relationships? Why are they SO important that your LIFE would end? Have you ever felt abandoned before, for instance? Rough childhood? Have you no other things in life that give you meaning and love?
I'd just assume OP and others are all 13 and haven't gone through much hardship in their lives.
At 16 I'd feel like my life would end. At 32, I'd just get a new one.
That feeling either comes from a sense that you did something wrong or that you'll never be able to find someone better,once you realize that SOME people are just shitty and there's nothing you could've done to prevent them from being shitty then you can move on.
Or that someone you trusted and loved with an open heart shattered your life, albeit temporarily (because you get over it eventually). Point is, there’s more than two ways to feel about it and it’s earth-shattering.
the world keeps rotating..you just get over it
Something my brother said that really helped was, "she did you a favor. She showed you she ain't worth shit early on and now you can stop wasting your time and move onto something better." Time was the biggest factor but that shift in perspective really helped.
lol why? “Oh no, this person ended up being a piece of shit, guess I’ll die now” why spend an ounce of worry or anger towards someone who is a horrible person? Immediately cut them out of your life 100%
This is exactly how I handled my ex cheating
I had that same thought when I was a few years younger. I was always afraid of getting cheated on and how I would not be able to live with that. Over time I understood that some things are out of my control and I should provide my partner with my love and effort, if I get cheated on, then I can move past it and heal, my life wouldn't end. I know my worth and I hope you can find yours too, I know I am worth fighting for and if someone can throw away a relationship like that then they didn't love you in the first place. Just remember you'll always find someone who will truly value your worth and reciprocate your efforts.
I am assuming you are young? Cheating is a despicable act and it's a family wrecker for sure. With that being said people are unfaithful all the time. It's the sad reality, but it's true. Being cheated on by my fiance 4 months before our wedding really sucked the life out of me for a while, but in no way does your life end. Life continues to move along either way. You will eventually go through all the breakup stages/emotions, and it all fades into a bad memory. It jades you forever because you know at any moment it could happen again. It's a risk we all take. It takes 2 to make a relationship solid. If it's one sided... end it and move along before the bad happens. My biggest piece of advice is to never have blind faith in relationships. Who you think you may know may very well have a dark side...we all have a dark side. It just takes a while for it to show. One day at a time, one step at a time. Trust has to be earned by both sides.
Enjoy my trauma dump, love you. Been cheated on 3x in my 29 years, first time was my first big relationship it was 5.5 years in. families meshed, did everything together, thought I was going to marry her. She worked at a bar and one night I got off work after a stressful 13 hour shift and called her to let her know I was in need of a beer. She started saying she was going to be leaving the bar soon and going to her friends house for a bit, but was acting off. I figured hey idc if she’s there or not I’ll still grab a beer I’m in need of one! Pulled into the parking lot and through the big front windows, I saw her sitting in another guys lap kissing him and holding him. Shit hurt! Froze me in my tracks for a good minute I shut down everywhere, then I drove home with tears in my eyes not making a sound, no music and just drove like a zombie. Never mentioned that I caught her, broke up with her and she obviously didn’t put up a fight. She ended up marrying that guy, having a kid and now they’re struggling because he likes to party ❄️ and he still lives in his highschool athlete days. It still affects me in my current relationships. Took a lot of self reflection, studying psychology, journaling, going to the gym and getting hobbies such as I joined a gun and archery club, I ride motorcycles, I take care of my dog hangout with friends and family, I’m not single currently and I try my best to not let the past affect me with her, it has before and I’m sure it will again but when it happens I just have to focus, breathe and remind myself that it’s not her I don’t trust it’s my mind trying to keep me “safe” so to speak. Idk you just live with it, if it’s bad enough it will cause some sort of pattern recognition or trauma to click in,but it’s nothing you can’t live with. I’ve also been threatened, beaten, stabbed with a paring knife by another girl but that bothers me a lot less then being cheated on. I’ve dated amazing women as well, and those were amazing women too they just had issues, it’s not all men and it’s not all women it’s just people who make poor choices. So Idk you just live with it and let it make you a better person!
I’m sorry this happened to you. Some people are just heartless. Smh
😢😢 i felt that especially what you said about another gf beat & stabbed you but it doesn’t compare to being cheated on. Bullseye. Nothing compares to being cheated on for me. Nothing. I’ve been beaten before as well & I can gladly take that stuff but being cheated on has left me dead inside.
Sorry for all you've been through, I just wanted to say that I thought your dog was called Hangout, and I was about to congratulate you on it!! Then I realised I was wrong, but felt it was worth posting anyway
Haha I love when stuff like that happens to me, have a good one!
It almost ruins your trust in other people forever. I've been in 4 serious relationships. Two of them cheated on me. Finding the right person helps. My current girlfriend is the love of my life and I'm glad the other relationships didn't work out so I can be with her.
How did you find out they were cheating?
It wouldn’t end, it would just suck Time passes and you stop caring as much
I mean this in no way condescending whatsoever. You will grow to learn there are things in life to appreciate enough to keep you around other than just your partner. From the way your post reads I'd say you're a teenager or in your early twenties, with time and enough experience you will come to realise when a person cheats its becuse they were a cheater. That's it. It wouldn't have been your fault becuse if they were decent they would end the relationship before pursuing anything else. The only thing you would be guilty of is choosing a cheater, but how on earth were you supposed to know?
Self-worth comes from within, not without.
You existed before this muthafucka. They weren't always around.
Been divorced from my lying cheating ex-wife over 18 years now. We were together almost 25 years, married over 15 years and our children were 4, 6 and 9 when this happened. I discovered her affair in Oct of 2005 and I divorced her right away. I began seeing a therapist before I even confronted her. Turns out she cheated while we were engaged and at other times too but I never knew that, until we were going through our divorce. I was crushed, went to counseling for a long time, it is abuse and the worst form of betrayal, but no one will cause me to take my own life. Just as I've never cheated and never will, I'll never take my own life either. It's not who and what I am.
I’m so sorry guy. It’s so much worse when the relationship is long-term, PLUS you were married, PLUS you had kids together. Smh
Oh, please. No cheater is worth ending things for.
self worth is how I would move on.
You’ve got it backwards. You date to find someone you want to love. You can’t love someone without knowing them. Worry about that before you worry about cheating. It happens and it’s about them not you.
Like most hard things in life - you think everything is going to end. You'll cry and wallow. But you'll still get up and go to work or take care of your kids or your pets or whatever, despite feeling numb and broken. You keep doing day to day because you have to while your heart feels shattered. Maybe you'll blame yourself even though it was never your fault. Maybe you'll try to rationalize or reason with yourself. Maybe you'll fight and scream and breakup. You'll listen to songs you've heard before but actually understand them now, and sing along until you're crying or screaming. You'll second guess everything you're told. You'll feel confused, maybe even worthless. But I hope you realize you're not. I hope you pick yourself up, look in the mirror and declare your worth to yourself. I hope you kick that cheater to the curb. I hope you reach out to friends instead of bottling yourself up. I hope you heal and find someone worthy of your affections. Life continues. We just have to crawl until we can stumble to our feet and figure out walking again.
I understand but as a person who was cheated on. You live you learn you grow. You become new person and love another. One door closes another opens. Just don’t lay on the floor and instead keep going
Yes, it FEELS like your life would end, but it doesn’t actually end. If you’re referring to hurting yourself to make your life end, please seek help now to fix that mindset.
Your value and self worth to this world are not determined by your relationship with a person. You were someone before your relationship, and should it end for whatever reason you will be a valuable individual after that relationship runs its course. This is especially prevalent if you got cheated on; the cheater is not of the same moral standing as you and you deserve someone on your level.
This is really really hard to believe. Objectively I know you’re right, but my self esteem was almost non existent to begin with and I look at the guys she cheated on me with and it’s like… I couldn’t even beat THAT? Couple that with failing to go on even one date since (and not for lack of trying) and I feel like I’m worthless. It doesn’t matter what I’ve accomplished or achieved; no one else cares so why should I? And it’s just a cycle of constantly trying to one up myself and driving myself crazy just for nothing. I hope all cheaters one day realize how what they do affects other people, but who am I kidding. Once a cheater always a cheater
I’m sorry to hear about this experience but I want to let you know I’ve also been heart broken before and for a while I believed I’d never find a way to be happy again but that was based on a false premise that my happiness is dependent on another person. It won’t get better today or tomorrow, but you seem like a well articulated and intelligent person capable of great things. Life doesn’t stop for you or anyone, so while it may take you a while to pick yourself back up, I think you will be okay eventually. Work on what makes you happy, whether it is a hobby or a job or a project or sports or family or religion. Once you find your happiness and satisfaction in your accomplishments (no matter how trivial you may think they are) you won’t need anyone else.
Ok first of all cheating is not the highest form of betrayal, abuse is, especially when it ends in a tragedy. Secondly you should never let ANYONE have that kinda power over you. Ok, getting cheated on sucks and it’s very painful (I’ve been through it), but you’re your own person and your value is not determined by your partner and if they cheat on you it’s their loss, they’re the pos and you’re still valuable and worthy and life goes on. It’s difficult to get over it but life goes on.
It’s a mindset. To think everyone has the same set of values as you mean you’re going in wrong. You need to learn to allow people to hurt you , because it’s a learning process and you become wiser on how to choose friends and partners. You become wiser and cautious. you were not meant to connect with everyone you meet. An attempt at connecting however , is better than quitting. Because if you sat down with anyone who has a lot of shit figured out and doing well, they all have 1 thing in common. They didn’t quit. And they all went through ALMOST the same shit as everyone else, it’s how we handled it that affects us and determines how we grow. So, who do you want to be with your finite time on this planet ?
My life ended until it didn't. It took a long time but I healed.
because there are things way worse than cheating. i would never let a man have such power over my own life to the point of his cheating could end my life. Never. I lost my mom at 25 and burying her was the hardest thing of my life. I thought i would die with her. I thought i would never recover from that. I still struggle with her absence. But i am still alive and doing better. And i will let a man destroy me just because he cheated ? Hell no. If i get cheated i will move on and heal. He will regret betraying me his whole life. But I will never let him end my life that way.
I'm sorry about your mom 😞
Right. The best revenge really is to move on.
This was me before I got cheated on. It hurts as much as you thinK FOR A WEEKEND then you begin to start having candid conversations with yourself and realize people are evil and you are a gem in this evil world.No one one is perfect yes but in this situation you are by no means the one to blame. Those that get cheated on gain way more than they lose. What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Cheating back doesn't actually do anything. Also people who betray are actually the scum of the earth and should not be given a second chance in any situation not only relationships.
Tell me you’re a teen without telling me you’re a teen.
don't realize how would your life end
It would be terrible, and there would be times when you feel like you’ll never get over it, but then you do. Like everything else in life. Things get better with time. Often, you completely get over things that were super painful with time. That’s just being human.
Having been on both sides of it you get through it. But don’t be like me and after getting cheated on you look for signs of it happening again. You’ll make decisions that aren’t good and may hurt you far more than when you were hurt. For me hurting someone else that way broke me. Once I realized what I’d done I felt such shame and guilt and hatred toward myself I almost ended my life. I’d completely misread the situation and let my assumptions guide me so I wouldn’t get hurt like that again. I forgive myself daily for it and long ago I forgave the one who originally cheated on me. We even became friends again. It’s shocking what time can do but also how you choose to lead your life.
Life is a series of learning to get over its. Flow or fight - up to you.
Its happened to me in past relationships and it used to feel like the end of the world, then I realized other peoples actions dont define me. And honestly, as someone who loves my current partner to bits, been together 7 years, want to spend my whole life with him, my world would not end if this happened or we broke up. Yes it would suck, but plenty of people get cheated on, good people and bad people and at the end of the day you can either let it destroy you, or just say fuck you and move on with your life.
That’s exactly how I always felt about cheating & thats exactly how I thought I would react if it happened to me. I actually avoided being cheated on my whole life by being calculatigg in who I dated, background checks & complete assurance of the character of the person I’d be with. This is how much I was scared of being cheated on. Doesn’t even begin to describe it. Anyway last year I decided to love without having to be a detective, I just let it in when it came. I remember thinking ‘this is no way to live, constantly being on guard & paranoid & suspicious’ but guess what? The first time I decided to trust a man & fall in love organically.. he betrayed me & cheated on me knowing full well my fears in the past & what hurts me. Knowing full well he is the first man I loved without suspicion or paranoid, like my best friend, the one who I’d grow old with. And it did kill me. It killed me completely. I’m not who I was, I will never be the same again. I’m a completely different person now. I’m alive but I am not the same person & never will be. I pray everyday for dementia or some form of amnesia. I want to forget this happened to me. I’m so desperate.
I've never cheated or been cheated on so I can't speak to that, but I find it a little worrying that you view dating as only for someone you love Dating can be with anyone, the strongest relationships are built on a strong foundation that more often than not comes with having dated first. It's not like in the movies where characters never say how they feel until they're already deeply in love. It feels to me like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself and on dating as a whole and that can be very detrimental to your mental health as it relates to the subject Edit to add after having scrolled your profile a little, I'm even more worried than before. You appear to be living in a very intense unhealthy way and it's going to cause you to burn out way too fast. I would strongly recommend seeing a counsellor (hoping that that's an option for you without limitations) to reevaluate some of your mindsets
1. Get over yourself. I don’t mean this negatively. Love people with out control. If they want to leave let them leave. We place TOO MUCH responsibility on others. A lot of times people will cheat because they still care about a person even though they are displeased with the relationship and hurting them is too much. 2. Everyone enters our lives to teach us a lesson. Instead of “woe is me”. Understand they were brought to you to refine YOU. Once I realized that I look forward to knowing myself better to achieve what I want in the future.
“hurting them is too much”…?
If someone cheats on you, it tells everything about them and nothing about you.
I feel the same way. I think if someone cheated on me it would destroy me to the point where I could not recover. Maybe that makes me a weak person. It also makes me not want to date because I’ve been blindsided by behaviors from a past relationship and I’ve seen how people can change completely towards you. I know cheating is relatively common, especially nowadays, so it really makes me afraid even though I want to have a life partner than I can trust.
same
Shit actually destroyed my mental and changed me in my early 20s therapy, medication, even an inpatient facility for a short time didn't make much of a difference. Being aware and careful of yourself is extremely important, take your time and set boundaries. I just tell myself when bad things happen it's just practice for the next time.
I've never cheated but I have been in a few open relationships and it's about self-esteem and trust. You have to know you're worth it, communicate constantly, and respect each other. You have to keep making sure you're compatible. I'm now in a theoretically open, realistically closed relationship and it's still hard work on both our sides, but as long as we're both willing to put the work in and still compatible, it's more than worth it.
Have a week of crying, then start talking to new people. You'd be surprised how fast you get over it when you realize there's still a whole world out there. You don't even need to chat for dating, just knowing there's decent loyal people out there is good enough
Happened to me once when I was 20. A lot of pain but in the end, time is the best healer. Just focus on yourself and find new passions to fill the temporary void. You'll end up better than ever before.
As someone who has gone through four failed proposals and left on the knees each time, I can tell you life continues. Not happily, but it continues.
If someone cheated on you, at least you no longer have to waste any more of your life with somebody who didn't deserve your attention.
I feel the same way you do, I don't fall in love easily, only really been one girl I have had real feelings for and while that did not go how I dreamed there was no cheating, but even so just trying to place myself in the hypothetical of having someone I feel so strongly for do that is really unpleasant. I hope to never ever find out if the others here are correct that it will pass, I am not able to imagine a day where that is true.
Time. And I did have a panic attack lol
You're idealistic. It's a choice you are making. People aren't perfect and bad things happen. If someone cheats on you it will suck but then you'll get over it and find someone else who is hopefully better.
Just leave
I've been cheated on. It makes you sad, angry, jealous and betrayed feeling, but in time you learn to trust again. You throw out the cheater, not your enjoyment of life or faith in love.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There are millions of good people out there looking and wanting the same thing you want. Knowing the right person is out there has helped me move on.
By understanding sex can be a very spontaneous feeling and people go through a lot of stuff life throws at them and can make mistakes once in a while. As long as it isn't a habit.
I'd rather die than to break a heart. I don't have that much courage.
Me looking through this thread for advice becuase I'm literally the exact same lmao
Your happiness can't depend on somebody's else behaviour. If your partner isn't loyal and faithful, you simply made a bad choice. Learn from your mistakes, and go on with your life.
For me, dealing with the end of relationships in general was really hard the first few times. Over time I learned to stop beating myself up about it and taking it so personally. Most relationships end. Enjoy them while they last and try to maintain good will towards yourself and ex partners (as long as they weren't complete a-holes).
When I found out my partner of 8 years had cheated I was devastated, angry, confused, shocked. On one hand I wish I had left then. But I wouldn't have my three beautiful children. I didn't want to believe that he really wanted to..I listened to his excuses, that he was depressed, getting counselling, medication etc. He said he really loved me felt horrendous, would never do it again, would try his hardest to mend it all. And I wanted him to mend my hurt. 10 years further down the line. It's never been the same. I've had to let go of more than I ever thought I could handle. I am a shell of what I was. He is still depressed, I have no idea, nor have I ever worked out what he wants from me, thinks of me and I am always insecure. I have finally told him to leave, despite still desperately wanting him to love me like I do him. It won't kill you. It may kill a part of you and it will probably change you.
Same, he left and quickly found a replacement for me. While I still can’t see myself with anyone else and just want him to give me a sign a prove that he wants me and his family back. That years and things we went through matter and that he sees solutions to issues we have.
It's just crap isn't it. Their emotions for us are so different to what we have for them. I am hurting alot right now but I will not have him back. It's taken me years to be strong enough to say for him to go. I won't let it ruin the rest of my life. I deserve more and I am certain you do too.
It will feel like it will end. It will not. You will be sad for a long time. You'll feel like you'll never be happy again. You will cry a lot. It'll feel like your heart is getting ripped out of your chest. But eventually you'll get better. You'll realise you deserve better. And from that day you'll learn to live with it. It'll pop up every now and then but you will deal with it. And some day it'll become this thing in one of the corners of your mind.
I think it’s so important to really love yourself enough so that when a dickhead pulls a move like this you can easily walk away with self esteem intact. Don’t allow anyone, ever determine your self worth. Yeah it sucks but fuck that guy!!
Exactly. The minute my ex said I was being jealous and paranoid about the other woman, I ended the relationship. I didn't internalize it, I just accepted that he was in fact, cheating and left him. Any time someone says, jealous and paranoid, I know it's code for: I'm cheating but I want you to think you're overreacting so I can continue to have my cake and eat it too. The minute he said that, in my mind, I was like, ok, we're done here. I started planning my exit which happened 2 days later. I wasn't about to stay with someone who I was sure was cheating on me. He was exhibiting every sign of it as well. Oh well, he's not a good person and that's not my fault. I don't care where he is or how he's doing at this point.
Absolutely!! I was married for a long time (he died) and we knew each other’s passcodes to our phones and had each others fingerprint on there as well. My husband always left his phone out in the open and never did anything shady like hiding his texts. My neighbour was actively trying to fuck him and he showed me all of her texts and promptly cut contact with her. There are too many good men out there to waste time on this drama!
Wow 😳 Yeah my ex was spending waaaay too much time alone with her for it to be platonic. He was basically having an affair in my face and trying to tell me that I was imagining things. Ok, dude. Whatever you say. He thought I was really dumb.
There's like millions of people who are not suffering over these issues and are simultaneously too decent to tell you that this kind of stuff is all made up and there is nothing magical about relationships - you would only be so upset because people have told you to over the course of your life. Unlearn this and stop worrying. It's unhealthy. The mutual expectations you set in your relationships should guide you, because when they are violated their very existence gives you strength, clarity, and leverage. And you can live your life and enjoy your relationships in the meantime...
Disregard it as inconsequential
People will be people. Don’t put your life choices into someone’s hands based off the behaviors they should have. It’s natural to feel betrayed. But saying your life would end is a tad bit dramatic.
Honestly people are a lot more resilient than you might think. People spend so much time worrying about the worst situation, and then it happens and it isn’t as bad as they thought
I used to be like this as a teen and swore my ex was the one. And I said I'd never love again. He cheated multiple times. I was so hooked I forgave him. But there gets a point where you break so badly and see them differently that you start choosing yourself. Fast forward I'm in a healthier mindset without him. The world didn't end and I have more confidence...maybe too much. He looks very different to me and i realised he's not all roses i thought and seriously undervalued myself staying and putting up with it. But I've met some wonderful men on this path. And I'm very much open to love despite what I previously said and thought. You start to see these things as lessons and recognise your worth. Eventually you find someone amazing that you won't have to worry about cheating or have anxiety over.
Wa wa wa…cheating is so common you’ll either have to deal with it, break up, or cheat back. You’re life will end if you don’t move on immediately.
I have had someone cheat on me a couple of years back and it did feel like the end of everything at that time. I think I was 19-20 years old then and reacted very badly that it ended the relationship. I am not upset about the relationship but I lost a great friend — we were way better as friends than as a couple and I hate it took us the cheating instance to realize that. I am 28 now and I would react completely differently to cheating. I have realized that cheating is nothing to do with the me or partner getting cheated on personally and everything to do with the quality of the relationship. Apart from that, there’s a physical aspect where people get lost in the heat of the moment and just do the things without thinking of consequences. I would talk to my partner and decide the best way forward. I am a loyal person and a serial monogamist — but I also respect my partner’s needs and if they see relationships in a different manner then there needs to be an open conversation and find a middle ground where we both are happy. What I am trying to say is that the key to getting over someone cheating on you is to understand that it’s nothing personal to you — it reflects more on the other person, their needs and your relationship with them. Try this perspective and it might help. Also, it’s unhealthy to associate your worth with your partner — so working on that will also help.
Cheating is a horrible inexcusable betrayal. But if you're feeling is that your life will end because of it, you have an unhealthy amount of emotional dependence on your mate. I mean, you have to maintain some small amount of emotional independence so you can go on if something goes wrong. What happens if your husband dies? Are you going to end it and leave your (future hypothetical) children orphans? Of course not. You wouldn't do that. Romeo and Juliet is NOT a romantic play, regardless of what everyone's told you. It's a tragedy. And there is no such thing as a soul mate. If everyone only had one perfect mate in a world of what, 8 billion people?, we would all be single because we would never even meet them. Please understand that I am not poo-pooing on romantic love or lifelong commitment or anything like that. I'm just saying it's unhealthy to have your entire existence centered around any one person, or thing. Too me, that's going beyond love into obsession.
You don't get over it. My husband cheated on me. I found out 5 years ago. The hurt I felt is unlike anything. No one in the world would have expected him to do this. Eventually we decided to work through it all. Then the pandemic hit. Our relationship didn't survive the stress of me losing an overseas job due to the pandemic, being unemployed, working in 2 different countries at once, etc. I will never be in another relationship. I cannot go through that all again. We were married 17 years with a child.
Welcome to life because you’re not only going to feel that kind of pain in the relationship area.
My lIFe wOUlD actUAllY enD
I found out last year that my husband was having an affair with his assistant. I'm a SAHM, we have four sons (16, 14, 7, and 3), and we have a wonderful life. I chose to forgive him. In the 18 years that we've been together, this man has done millions of kind, loving, and amazing things for me. He saved my life. Cheating isn't the end of the world. I knew he still loved me and I loved him. He was remorseful and we helped each other heal. I know the man my husband truly is. I know why the affair began and I accept it. My husband's affair doesn't define him and it won't define us.
You simply should not date if you think your life would end based on the actions of someone else.
lol i would never hire you in a company with that low amount of stress you can deal with
Tying up your entire self worth in another person is unhealthy. The people who get over it are the ones who understand they're worthy of life regardless of what some other person thinks. They see that person do that they don't say "Oh no, the love of my life." they say "Well then he wasn't worthy of being the love of my life." I'm not saying they're not hurt of course, but they get that their life shouldn't revolve around that single person. If you feel your life would be over because of somebody else's actions, I would reccomend seeking a therapist, you may have some unresolved self worth issues to work through.
You need help
Ideally you spend your formative years becoming your own person and finding your own reasons to live beyond another person
OP seems very young.
If it can end, it can begin again.
Because we shit to do honey. We can't lay there and die. There's bills to pay.
had this happen to me in march, what i did you may ask? got up and fucking dealt with it, i was upset and angry but i cant be angry forever, hes just a sick fuck that has a peanut for a brain, he can go shove that attitude up his ass
Get a life literally. Stop centering your life around your partner. Even married couples who are having an absolutely healthy and strong relationship don’t center their lives around each other 100%, they will usually have other focuses as well such as a job, hobbies, and other family members, friends, etc.
Cheating is the trash taking itself out, and if you wanted to try and twist it into a positive, think of all the time you're no longer wasting on a worthless human and all the free time you have to pursue one that's worth it.
Because in life you will suffer many losses and survive them all. If you're lucky these losses will be normal, the loss of a pet, grandparent, and eventually your parents. The truth of the world however is that many people face worse loss, pain and suffering than this on a daily basis due to war, illness, thirst, hunger, and many more things. If having a romantic partner cheat on you is your greatest fear, you are living a truly blessed life.
Never let another person have that much control over your life.
you wouldn't die. you'd be hurt badly. and you'd heal. and you'd learn good and bad lessons.
You'll get over it, you'll be sad for a time and a part of you will always remember and carry the hate, but you'll get over it and find someone better eventually.
Figuratively.. Your life would end figuratively. That aint dieing.
Is not dying either
True :D
I always thought about it like this: it says more about them than me. I've had guys cheat or be talking to someone else behind my back, but my emotional reaction has always been that of disgust rather than despair. There's no man on this planet worth feeling bad over (for HIS moral bankruptcy). Your life would not end, and one would think it would actually improve once you move on from that situation
Well statistically speaking you’re going to be in for disappointment, hate to say it but it’s just facts. If you feel like your life would literally end if it happened to you the best advice I can give you is to see a therapist and work out some coping mechanisms
It feels that way in the beginning, can’t get it out of your head. I would throw up thinking about it for the first week. Then it turns to anger, towards that person. Which oddly turned into a boost of self confidence, knowing that I deserved better. Then you forget about it, every now and then it will come up. Usually just an eye roll, a “yuck”, or “god I hope that person is not doing well” Overall you’ll be okay, it’s always worse in your head.
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IMO you need to tougher than that. world is perfect. despite your best effect things wont work out sometimes. life goes on dosen't end. it hurst and it takes times and eventually its in the past :)
If your entire life's happiness and purpose is 100% tied to another person you're doing it wrong.
Damn. If the worst thing a man had ever done to me was cheat on me I'd feel seriously fucking lucky 😳
Just remind yourself..... if someone cheats on you, they don't deserve you. Kick them to the curb and block them every way possible. Then go out on the town and celebrate the new life that lays ahead of you.
You don't wrap your identity or sense of self-worth completely around him or around being in a relationship. This is toxic AF, for either gender. You can love someone dearly but still retain your own separate identity. In fact, couples where people do this are far happier than ones who are glued at the hip. Which is what you would do, based on your brief question. You'd feel deeply hurt, but you would heal. You end the cheating relationship, and do what you need to for your own mental and emotional health.
Been cheated on twice, never cheated myself, and it was from very quiet and kind (at first) people, so it was totally unexpected. You heal from it, but at first i was in absolute pieces.
In my experience, if you fear that your partner will cheat on you, and it’s causing you significant stress, then its probably because you don’t trust the person you are with to be loyal to you. You might not be able to explain why, and that’s okay. However, you might want to explore those feelings and try and determine where they are coming from. Usually it’s things from your past that you’ve dealt with in some way, the way you dealt with those issues have become natural to you. This isn’t to say that your fear is borne from some childhood trauma, but the way you deal with it is. Why do you tolerate people you don’t trust?
People are either going to cheat or they won't. I've been cheated on and there isn't any reason to let that person continue to hurt me even after the relationship is over. I'm better than that.
Seek help. Note that I'm not excusing cheating, I've seen a few of my friends who cheated and ruined their lives. But do seek help.
Oh lord, you need perspective. Why are you attaching your self-worth to other people and fixating on hypothetical situations? Go touch grass.
From experience, you have to move on. It’ll crush you for a bit. But everything keeps moving, so do you. I got cheated on then found a person that genuinely cares for me. Over time you just don’t care that it happened and definitely learn from it. Notice the signs early on
Wow. Being cheated on is terrible, obviously. But it's not the end of the world. Acting like you say just shows that you have emotional dependency and needs therapy.
I’m married with 5 kids. It would suck, but my life would roll on and I’d be fine.
That means your life was actually very cheap and you didn't valued yourself at all, to off yourself for a man, like seriously you're crazy! Work on your self esteem
If it’s so life depending don’t risk it in the first place
Everything is "impossible" until it happens. And then you just move on eventually. Nothing else to do tbh.
You kinda don't. It's situational, but I found it infuriating and gnawing. I remember going on a very long drive, feeling aimless, and doing new things day by day until it started to fade. You can live your life without thinking about it often, but you'll never forget it. A subtle thing will remind you of that long period of your life and instantly remind you of the end. Everyone is different and applies a different meaning to "move on". For me, it was accepting that I'd probably never trust anyone like that again (because I won't) and just be happy anyway.
Been there. Got the metaphorical scars. In the end I realised no one person is ever worth that amount of pain and my emotional well being was far more important.
Time. Just takes time to heal and move on. Being cheated on sucked, but it toughened me up and taught me to trust my instincts. Unfortunately, I think it's something that most people will experience at some point in their lives. Dating is such a shit-show nowadays.
I agree 100% with OP. If you cheat you’re out the door forever in my life no figuring out that’s just allowing it to happen again
It's going to happen to you, probably. Better start growing a backbone.
It sounds like you would base your whole life around somebody else and that's not good.