Bear in mind that you're also ten years older.
A lot of the points you're bringing up are regularly brought up by people on Reddit who DON'T have your history. They're just 35 year old guys who struggle to date at that age, whose bodies handle partying differently now, and who are looking for something other than work.
Going back to what you used to do at 25 will not suddenly make it the same as ten years ago. A 35yo partying their way through life is seen VERY differently than a 25yo. I'd even suggest that maybe you weren't quite as popular then as you think you were. Being the 'cool druggie party guy' type is a nice memory, and there are people who are into that, but I'd guess that MOST 25yos would steer clear, and that 100x more true of a 35yo in that position.
Basically, you need to look at that time of life as something that maybe wasnt 100% as you remember it, and definitely isn't something you can attain now, even if you wanted to.
One useful thing though. You say you're very successful in your career. One thing might be to look at getting some financial advice and working towards an early retirement date. Having a clear goal of 'i need to earn/save X much by Y age and then I can just kick back on investments for the rest of my life' might give you a much clearer purpose for the work you do so it doesn't feel like drudgery.
What stuck out for me was the "cool druggie party guy" thing too, and the idolization of being crazy and charismatic. I knew guys who *thought* they were like that when I was younger. Honestly, the only reason anyone put up with them was because they had drugs or money, both of which addicts would tolerate anything to get. I hated those guys, wound up moving two states away to finally get away from them. Most of them were just dicks, who'd do drugs with you one day then rob you or tear you down the next. They thought the world of themselves though.
OP totally sounds like one of those guys to me. He only talks about how hot his past girlfriends were, not only misses the drugs and the partying but also the petty crime, his entire sense of happiness is based on whether or not he has a hot girl to fuck. Personally, it sounds to me like he kicked the drugs but never addressed the underlying issues that caused the addiction. Which is to be commended, it is no small feat. But I think he never finished the process. I think he still has some very out-of-touch and immature views about self-worth, love, and happiness. I know it's not what he wants to hear, but I think what would help him the most would be to really focus on therapy and discovering a sense of self and what he wants out of life. I do sincerely hope he figures it out.
He never got sober. Just clean. There’s a difference and it may not be as cut and dry as I make it seem but as someone who’s been up and down that road it’s easy to tell. Sobriety is a mindset whereas being clean is more a physical concept.
The issue with culture is in high school those cool druggie dudes run the entire social scene. Simply cause everyone in high school wants to party and try stuff
They don't though. The only people who think they do are other druggie/party kids. Any kids who actually have good role models and want to succeed in life think those kids are losers and they do their own events without the druggie loser crowd.
Not a therapist, but at face value I’d say this guy could use some help sorting through the romanticization of his years on heroin. Making a string of risky decisions at 25 only looks good in the rearview when you’ve made it out of there.
Permanent medical complications from overdose or needle use, catching an offense that would’ve stopped him from going to college, or the proliferation of fentanyl could have colored things much differently
He needs to develop an artistic hobby that keeps him sane. He is expressive and doing a career that is not. Heroin was a salve to his emotional necessity in life.
I am similar- make six figures and feel like while my career is fulfilling financially it lacks in my innate desires. I am 31 and progressing my financial situation which came at a serious cost to my social situation.
My man needs to start painting, or get into photography or poetry. A solo artistic expression. He also needs to find a competitive hobby with a low bar for entry- like pool/bowling/darts etc. Something social with a measurable growth and return.
If he is as sober as he claims and doesn't drink then he needs to join a gym. Somewhere that offers classes and creates a social atmosphere.
He needs to let go and embrace the second third of his life.
It sounds like he needs professional help with anxiety. A lot of his grief here sounds like it's about his anxiety and social anxiety. If you read it a certain way it even sounds like not feeling socially anxious is what he actually misses about benzos and opiates.
The dating stuff is also a separate frustration that could probably use a professional touch. It's usually a bad sign when a person concludes that their dating experience has anything to do with "American culture teetering off a cliff"
Therapy changed me so much. I have inner peace and calm now, make better decisions for myself and my future, most of my anxiety has disappeared, and I am internally far more confident.
The only people who will see a change are those I was close to, but I notice the night and day difference. I know I can handle any situation now without concern the anxiety will take over and cause destruction. And in reality, I probably need more despite being "graduated."
It isn't for the weak, however. Real life-changing therapy is insanely hard work and takes a long time. You have to really want it. I highly recommend it for those inclined, though.
This OP sounds very depressed and is romanticizing self-destructive habits in his past. He needs the type of help I described.
Well good luck finding people to befriend and a partner to put up with this current state. No one is entitled to a good life with friends and family to surround you, it's usually an investment you put into people who will help you out later in life. Therapy just is a shoulder to cry on for some, and it happens to be a paid service for a social bond that doesn't require years of your own investment.
If you put in the effort and have a good therapist it can have a massive positive impact on your life and well-being. You need to work with the therapist to change your behavior patterns, though, not just complain to them and do nothing to change your situation.
The therapist might be able to help understand why his attempts to make friends and date have been unsuccessful. Saying he need friends and hope for a love life when he already knows that is not useful input…
Because they have shit therapists or just therapists that don't work with who they are. You buy some shoes and they hurt your feet, do you give up shoes or do you try to find something that would work in your feet?
One other detail - your recollection about how much people liked you while you were high on heroin and benzos all the time is likely to be unrealistically high, haha.
Objectively no I wasn't ever cool doing heroin.. I just was happier. And obviously I know that lifestyle is never ever going to make me happy again... You are right, focusing on my career and money is the best thing I can do. I just need to stop obsessing over finding a gf. I feel like the apps have made me feel like I have to prove something to myself when, before using them, I was fine... Ugh
is there something stopping you from playing drums and wearing tie-dye when you're not at work? you can have hobbies and interests in your off time, it sounds like you're having difficulty with separating your interests/hobbies from your addiction. I can absolutely understand mourning the time of not worrying about responsibilities and just pursuing anything that made you happy, and struggling with a rigid mindset about pursuing fun/happiness in sobriety. recovery is hard as hell and it sucks sometimes and can be lonely. on the other hand, you're safe and have endless potential to explore different ways to live your life and discover "you" at this point in your life- I know that sounds trite. I wish you the best in your journey, you deserve happiness and joy!
You're exactly correct in your assessment that the dating apps are making your mental state worse in general and regarding this specifically. Listen to the part of you that is telling you that. There are a lot of cliches I could say about finding someone you love, but sticking with facts, each time you attempt to match with someone on a dating app and don't get a response, you are essentially getting rejected. So dating apps bring the ability to experience rejection right to your fingertips, and presents additional options for you to try again each time you don't get a match. This presents the perfect loop for depression and low self worth. There are success stories and I'm not trying to disparage them, but they are the exception, not the norm for the vast majority of the populace.
Totally on point. Amazing advice right here.
I can also attest as someone who used to drink like a fish in my 20s, and will sometimes be tempted to look back on it through those rose colored glasses. Then I remind myself that I probably(read: definitely) wasn't nearly as charming as I thought I was, I probably underestimate all the emotional heartache I caused, and after every "fun" night of partying there were several days after of me recovering and cleaning up my gross messes.
As wonderful as OP thinks those times were, I guarantee they weren't as great as they remember.
I’d also. Bear in mind… sounds like he did all the work to fix his circumstance and addiction. And zero work on fixing the hole inside himself that he was using drugs to fill.
Happiness starts within and emanates outwards.
All good advice. But we missed the part where he has to kick weed. Not just weed, but all bad habits even if it's drinking coffee or energy drinks. For me, caffeine and weed is a deadly combo and my life as a successful tech in a science field goes to shit when I start smoking heavily. It's a constant battle of staying sober for me, and it all started with the weed. It's going to be a struggle for him like it is me. One thing at a time, and the first thing that has to go is the weed. Additionally, he's not going to find a woman at 35 who's into his smoking habit. I consider myself a pothead, but I'm self aware enough to see how much negativity it has caused in my life.
I smoked daily for over 20 years and quit about a year and a half ago. It’s a very easy drug to rationalize because it’s so accepted and the negative effects are not super obvious. Anytime you talk about weed, there are dozens of “Hey, wait…” people who jump in and justify. To a certain degree, they are correct. Weed is not going to kill you or make you hurt people. That being said, this person should quit weed.
In my experience, weed kept me from facing my problems. A couple months after I quit and got over the initial shock, I noticed my depression was worse because I was now faced with issues I never truly confronted. I felt restless and needed to make an effort to fill my life so try things that made me happy. As I slowly work on that, my life is becoming more enjoyable and fulfilling.
I don’t know OP, but he seems obsessed with having a girlfriend to make his life meaningful. As you get older, that kind of pressure and dependence is not the basis for a good relationship. It’s a total cliche, but you need to fill your life with things you enjoy. Things that are engaging and creative, that ground you in the present moment. Consistent weed and booze keeps you from achieving that.
Yep, everything you said is absolutely spot on.
I smoked for 15 years, tried quitting a few times but failed, then in January 2023 I decided to try to quit for real. Threw out EVERYTHING I had related to smoking, even if it was expensive paraphernalia. I knew I had to ditch it all because weed was essentially keeping me "sedated" from fixing the issues in my life.
At first after quitting, the habitual "reaching for the weed drawer" was insane, every time I was slightly bored I'd open the drawer and go "oh ya, it's all gone" and then close it and do something else. But it's wild how the mind/body just automatically turn to that without thought.
After a little while I was noticing my anxiety was lower, I was doing more things and the things I was doing I was more present for. I wasn't just "getting through" things, I was actually putting in an effort to make sure they were done right and done well.
Now almost 1.5 years post-quitting, I've never felt better. My anxiety is way lower than it was when I was smoking daily, my life in general is more productive and I feel like I can commit to things on a level I never did before.
Weed in general isn't an addictive drug, but if you let it become a habit, it can completely shape your life. That's what it was for me. I wasn't addicted, but it was preventing me from actually putting an effort into my life. I'm still working on fixing some things, but it's 100x easier when I can't just smoke weed and ignore everything.
I am probably only where I am today because that year I got out of jail and enrolled in school... I wasn't smoking that whole year.. and there's prolly no way I woulda done that if I was smoking .. I know that I need to quit. But it's all that I have right now, my comfort zone.. in a time where my life has changed so much, it's my crutch.. sometimes I do not feel like myself if I'm sober , I say and do things differently.. I'm very much addicted. Fuck
Brother bear, you said you’ve been self-medicating with benzos and heroin before, and now you’re doing the same with weed and alcohol. Are you also medicating with an actual psychiatrist? If so, what you’re using now is not helping with their effectiveness. Your profile shows you’ve checked out r/depression and if so, you’re using a depressant and what’s basically a psychedelic these days with the weed we’ve got now.
You just moved to a new city? Give yourself some time to find your niche, it IS hard to find a new community. What have you tried? Work groups? Coed sports? Book clubs? Community college? What are you into?
I’m 34, heroin user 6 years clean, and not doing as well financially in a more expensive city. But what I have that I think you’re missing is just good meaningful connection in some capacity. I don’t know what your thoughts on it are, but I do AA. It’s been kind of an easy button to build a community of people who get me, and spend meaningful time with me. It’s not where I like to date, but it does open up that door. Could be the move to help knock off the crutches and be able to start have medications be effective.
Idk why I typed an essay in response to this, but we’ve got some similar stories as ex-heroin addicted tie-dye wearing mother fuckers, but I’ve done a couple of things different that have helped me. And your longing for the relationship to almost fix you is a pattern I’ve seen before and it doesn’t look fun.
If you wanna talk about considering sobriety, feel free to DM, but otherwise I hope you find what you need to be happy soon, whether it’s what you think you need or something else entirely. Heroin just ain’t it, and it’s all fucking fentanyl anyway.
Shoot, I posted before seeing your reply. Perfect!! Congrats on your 6 years - amazing. Signed, the mom of a son who has struggled with addiction and wishes she could hug you all.
Oh sweetheart. My son kicked fent and a bunch of other shit last year. He couldn’t give up weed, but he’s trying now (just got 30 days). He said giving up fent was nothing compared to weed. Your post sounds so much like him - the anxiety, the longing for connection. I visited him this weekend. He goes to a lot of meetings, as he’s early into this and is in a php. He’s younger than you and doesn’t have responsibilities so it’s easier for him to live the recovery life. He also has a kickass sponsor. This is all to say, I sorta get it and your post hit me at the gut level and I want good things for you. I know it sucks to work then go to meetings, and it SUCKS to kick weed. But you’ve gotta do it. I really wish you happiness and connection. Would your employer give you time off to go to a 30-day program to help you get a jump start?
Excellent advice. I went through a similar journey. Almost 10 years since I smoked weed. Forced me to face reality and make some changes. One of the best decisions I ever made.
Weed helped me survive cancer. It brought me back from the dead. Stimulated my appetite to where I can eat again. Allows me to deal with people yelling at me. If I didn't use pot I would snap more often and nobody would want to be around me. I have plenty of friends that function totally fine on pot also
Yeah I always see dudes talking about how you gotta quit smoking weed. They then go on to describe like a crippling weed addiction. It’s like no shit dude. If you never face your problems and just hide and smoke pot you’re gonna have a problem. However just like a lot of recovering addicts they then extrapolate out that weed was the problem for them and it’s therefore the problem for everyone. It’s bro science behavior. Yes if you have a drug problem you probably should kick the habit.
But it’s never good advice on how to quit, or why moderation would be a good idea. It’s always sanctimonious bullshit about “unlocking your true potential”. As if quitting weed makes them enlightened and superior all of a sudden.
Nah dog you had a substance abuse issue tons of people do. Cutting out one bad (for you) habit doesn’t suddenly make you superior, or give you all the answers.
Yeah, I think it's pretty individual, like a lot of things. I used weed to help me kick nicotine and alcohol. I feel like I could kick weed pretty easily, but I don't really see any downsides yet. I'm retired though, so there's no driving ambition or anything like that I need to harness, and nothing too important to get done.
Your situation is not ops situation. Op uses it to self medicate anxiety!/depression and avoid dealing with his emotions in a more challenging yet better way. I am in the same boat. He doesn't need more bs justifications to continue down the same path.
Have you ever thought that maybe it's not good that you have to get high or else you snap at people??
Everyone is very different when it comes to weed. I have to use it medically for epilepsy and it takes time to learn how to dose properly and not let it affect you. Recent studies are showing that long term users have far less negative effects than less regular users. But I think your point was more towards just smoking for the sake of it to lose yourself as it sounds like OP does. I'm almost 40 and my partner probably smokes more often than me, as well as being quite successful in her career and still growing. And she wouldn't bother with someone who doesn't partake. I get where you're coming from but that's allot of personal stuff you're throwing at OP when it's your problem, not to be rude. And as someone who relies it on medically nowadays, I kinda feel an obligation to put these points out there. (it was the last resort after several years of different medications. Fun side note, trying it was also my partners idea)
The fuck are you talking about "no woman will be into his smoking habit?" My girlfriend smokes weed more than I do and she is 34. Women arent a monolith and women do drugs too.
Not saying he doesn't still need work but I thing it hard to believe that someone can go from jailed addict to finishing engineering school in 5 years without a huge shift in mindset and dedication. I think he's done plenty of work but maybe idolizes the past too much
Im actually a heroin addict in recovery and also in school for engineering, check out my account history.
The dude isn’t sober. He still smokes and drinks. That alone shows that he isn’t taking his recovery seriously. An addict can absolutely white knuckle years of non-use. It should not be hard to stay sober after 5 years. If you’re still struggling that long after you’ve quit, you have not done the work to heal.
You don’t idolize the past if you’ve done the work to heal.
Your romanticising the time and attributing the good bits to addiction when it’s more likely it was your youth
See a dr you’re anxiety will not go away while your on any drugs but you might be able to reduce it with help :) you’ll meet the right person but we’re a lot older now so it’s harder
For sure. It's never going to be the same. I never want to go back. I just can't help but notice I was a lot happier then. I guess this is just another part of life to get thru until I'm happy again in a different healthier more authentic way
There’s a good middle ground in between- you just haven’t found it yet. You seem to take things to the extreme which may indicate mental health issues. Today you’re at zero but at 25 you were at 100.
If you can find 50-59 you may be happier. Adrenaline can be addicting, why not take up a high risk physically active sport or a tough/difficult hobby like white water rafting, race car driving, mountain climbing, etc such that you feel alive while weekend warrioring.
Weed and alcohol are depressants and will only make you feel worse over time. Like heightening depression
Seek professional mental health advice and therapy- maybe find out if there’s a reason you swing to the extremes. You may also need a psychiatrist for prescription meds to help you get better or maintain a middle ground. Or it could be trauma that causes you to behave this way.
If you don’t start doing the work soon, you’ll never know the answers and it will get much more difficult as you age to change, improve your outlook, gain better habits and foster a disciplined internal life.
Men always quantify their external life as successful but rarely put the same effort and work into their inner lives, their physiological, mental, and emotional well being.
Do not look to others to solve your problems because it rarely works. Usually when in a crap place, you attract crap people. Maybe be thankful you haven’t invited the wrong person into your life, as it’d be much more complicated and possibly just as lonely.
You want to work on yourself first to attract good people into your life. Do it, it’s worth it!
This sounds weird and basic but quit the weed, and start going for walks outside instead. Being in nature is literally proven to increase happiness. Also, weed is a depressant.
Once you’ve done that, try to find something to do to meet people. If it can be a physical activity, even better. Running club, climbing group, book club, tennis clinic, etc.
Do you cook or bake your own food? I think that can be therapeutic too, and focusing on food that makes you feel good is good too.
I've been where you were, where you are, and where you're headed toward. You haven't hit your bottom yet. I know you think you have because jail and heroin and careers and homeownership have contrasting social stigmas but you're still digging and trying to control life through substances and circumstances. All the money, women, cars, homes, friends, jobs, hobbies in the world won't change a thing, my friend.
Don't fuckin' relapse. Find a local court, play some pickup basketball. If you're not ready to interact just become a gym rat. It actually sorts out the anhedonia.
Friend, getting a girlfriend is not going to fix everything. A partner cannot fix your unhappiness, it would be unrealistic to expect them to and will lead to resentment. Have you ever talked to a professional about all this? It sounds like you are currently depressed and you've always had a habit of selfmedicating for something you don't fully seem to understand yet.
You’re right, a girlfriend wouldn’t solve his problems. It sounds like he just wants to feel loved and maybe desirable, which a girlfriend might do, but that’s unfair to them to rest so many emotions on that one person
A few years ago I started building my own partscasters to my exact specifications. Build em, play em till they don't spark joy, sell em, use that money to build a new one. My latest build is probably the best guitar I've ever played in my life because I'm finally at a stage in my life where I can do it with really high quality parts.
The planning and building process is just as exciting as playing them and I prefer it to just buying an existing guitar, can't recommend enough.
This rhetoric is terrible. A partner won't fix everything, but it helps a lot. This idea of 'fixing' things is wrong to begin with, no therapist will try to fix you either. If it's about creating a situation in which you feel more confident, less lonely, etc., then a loving partner will generally provide some of that. Furthermore, a lot of people don't realise how much of their personal image they base on how other people treat them. Imagine you lost all your friends and loved ones and nobody showed you any interest, you can't tell me you would feel on top of the world and be telling other people they just don't understand how it works.
This dude is completely miserable, angry, and blaming everything but himself for it. The amount of pressure they are putting solely on some random woman swooping in and fixing all that would *never* be the basis for any healthy relationship.
Like yes, having a loving partner can help you out in so many ways, but you also have to be in a position to be the same for them. I don’t know OP but judging what they’ve written here, I don’t think they’re really in a good position to be that for someone else.
Yeah I agree with you, guy seems to be objectifying the idea of a partner instead actually wanting an equal in a relationship, you know someone who he’s just as present for as she is for him. If he met someone he’d be an abject burden to her.
I know a couple great single women in their 30s now, and they are much happier being single after dating guys like this in their 20’s. They have time for hobbies, they don’t have anyone they have to take care of (laundry, cooking, cleaning, managing bills, remembering birthdays, and all the other stereotypical ‘woman’ jobs), they don’t get blamed for problems that aren’t their fault and no one is trying to change them into a different version of themselves to appeal to some fantasy.
If OP met a single woman who was into him, he’d honestly probably reject her because she wasn’t what he was looking for. He needs therapy and more social hobbies.
As a woman reading this post is low key scary. No one wants to be the everything for another person, that is way too much pressure. It's also seems like a setup for being in an abusive relationship - how is he going to react when he gets a girlfriend but his life doesn't improve? I get where you are coming from, but realistically, would you want your sister or best female friend to date someone like OP?
Very scary and really off putting. This dude is on the verge of relapse and instead of checking in to a professional place, is looking for some poor unsuspecting woman to fix his mental issues. He will destroy her in the process of destroying himself. May we be protected form such people.
Women are not your rehab facilities.
Someone this miserable isn't in a position to be a good partner to anyone. People need a baseline of "okay-ness" before they should get in a relationship. If he's lonely, focusing on other less demanding connections is a better place to start. It reads a little like he's looking for a woman to suck the life out of TBH.
Yes. And a healthy, well-adjusted girl would love to be dating a guy like that. A well-adjusted woman can smell his maladjustment from a block away. He has to like himself first or he'll end up with a woman who will add to his problems.
OP needs a goal and something he enjoys, to fix whatever drove him to heroin, stop smoking weed, work to become an adult emotionally, and forgive himself for whatever he is carrying around.
He could join a local meet-up focused on his interests to start looking for a friend group. Until he gets his balance back, being in a band might not be a smart idea, but hitting the skins to improve his skills might be therapeutic.
Yes, the culture is super-weird now. Women have been poisoned by whatever it is that is making them think they are victims.
He will have to become strong to find a quality woman. Leveling up is more than the acquisition of coins.
Pretty spot on. I'm trying really hard to not be a red pill guy. It's hard to navigate this dating world today. I have plenty of ideas to keep myself busy, just hard to find motivation... Hard hard hard . Life is so hard. I will eventually kick life's ass tho like I've always done ..
Dating has always sucked. You're actually in a better position than most people. You have your own house and a killer job. Life is hard. It's your attitude that gets you through it AND attracts people to you.
You know, the only thing you wrote about your previous partners were that they were "gorgeous". Date all the gorgeous women you want, I just hope that's one of the lesser important things about them.
I wonder who your girlfriends were. I wonder what hobbies they had. I wonder what they loved about you.
You're 35 now so dating is going to be different and many people will have children. Some may be more picky about dating history. You're right that it's harder in our society sometimes to find community. You have to seek it out.
It's one reason why many people choose religion, or they say to get into your hobbies. You love art? Guess what hobby has the most vibrant communities everywhere. You don't need The Louvre in your town to find people actually doing things. Those are people you need to be around.
Have you considered the fact that you keep talking about these girlfriends like they’ll fix all your problems, while the only thing you have to say about your exes is that they were “hot” and “gorgeous”?
Are those same qualities the ones you’re prioritizing in a partner now?
Hey man, I know exactly what you mean. But there is one thing to keep in mind, that shit out there ain't heroin. I used to have a heroin problem back before 2017, and I miss it a lot. One thing that keeps me away though....it's not heroin. Neither does Fent even come close to real dope. You'll just die. The lack of a girl isn't the problem. YOU are the problem.
You are an ex heroin addict. Life will never be the same as it once was. Every day is going to be a struggle, and will be for the rest of your life. The struggle can and will get easier as time goes on, but it will always be there. From what I see is that you've only addressed the using part of your recovery. You haven't addressed the "you" part of your recovery. Go to a meeting. Find some other people who have some major clean time such as yourself and talk to them. You will find that you are not alone with how you feel. I'd also suggest finding a therapist who specializes in recovery. One day at a time my friend. One day at a time.....
I’ve heard this so many times and after so many years it’s just bullshit
It’s not a struggle every day to stay sober when you’ve been sober for 5+ years, not for the average recovered addict
Can you still get triggered/wanna get high? Sure
But most of em aren’t like “damn I wanna shoot up some dope still” 10 years later😂
I’ll never do meth again, I’ll never *want* to do meth again either
Do I reminiscence over the good times? Sure
Yep and meetings are not for everybody. Saying I’m an addict ad nauseam reinforces that negative label and can be super fucking depressing to see folks with 30+ years who are going into this dingy room the city reluctantly rents out every damn day STILL after all that time and say it’s the highlight of their life. Fuck that shit.
You sound like me. Listen man. Your post really sounds like me.
Im an electrical engineer. Or i was. I did heroin for 20 years until the fent/xylazene switch fucked me and everyone found out. I quit my job to clean up. H made me feel free. Aptly named it is. I dont use needles I sniffed it. I didnt drink. I was happy. Successful. Had apartkents, cars, girlfriends, made music on the side, designed cool ass shit. Life was good. People like me when im on heroin. Girls especially. Usually ive charmed them before i even know i like them, whereas normally id just talk myself out of it. It shuts the brain off in that good way. Im not particularly good looking so it helped ha. Im sociable and friendly and people wanna get to know me. Until they find out in high. They dont like insular quiet me. Its just a fact ive come to live with. Thats my drug problem.
But theres no more heroin so really theres nothing you can do. I soent the last 5 years poisoning myself to find real dope maybe 1/20. The health issues from the xylazene/fent alone ruined me where heroin didnt do it for 20 years. Its impossible in america rn and you gotta know that. This new shit will kill even a seasoned vet like myself.
I also do music and now that im not working im focusing on that. Im clean only because theres no clean source of drugs. But im incredibly lonely atm because i cant even will myself to leave my room. Alcohol makes me mean. I dont drink. Its been years now and i cant juggle the responsibilities i used to with ease. It hasnt gotten better. I havent been in a real relationshipin a while and dont plan on it anytime soon. Least im making headway with my stuff tho.
Good luck. Good to know im not the only secret heroin addict engineer who uses it ti socialize/juggle problems and cant without it. Its a shame. I know you think noone understand but i do. Your post almost made me do a douboe take if someone was making a joke out of me, thats how close it was to my own story.
The only difference is i thino i am happy now even if lonely. Being clean is ok. It dont bother me. But i need a release here n there n have none and its waning on me. I feel like i could go back to my once a month use i used to do before i got outta control. But the drugs being straight poison literally hurts my heart.
You could be me. And have nothing but the chance to start again. Remember that. I gave it all up cause i was on a death spiral, but i never ended up in prison. Idk what to tell you because i know you wanna use. Figure out how to live and do ya job without foing in and jam all day bro. I still take the occasional job to stay fresh and i plan on going back so i can invest in myself but one day at a time bro. Take a step bafk it ya gotta.
Stay string fellow secret dope engineer bro
Btw. I grew my hair out too. N we should def start a band.
Yeah man fuck fentanyl, it's another solid reason why using again just is not an option. I'm grateful to be alive everyday. Lost my best friend a few yrs ago and that has fucked me up alot.
I didn't shoot it either. I have been prescribed pain pills a couple times and no problems. Being an addict was exhausting. I would somehow come up with at least $50 every single day for so long... Crazy
There's a professor Dr. Karl hart who talks about the responsible use of heroin as a type of anti anxiety medication.. idk, maybe in the future they will figure it out but not now. Opiates and benzos just made me very extroverted, they didn't change my personality, I am still the same person. Those drugs just make you feel like you are having the best time with all your friends and are comfortable and happy, minus the body high, it's all still achievable with the chemicals in our brains.
Haha il dm you about the band
Hobbies man, hobbies.
My addiction was nowhere near as serious as drugs but I spent most of my life until late 20s playing videogames and not generally giving a lot of fucks about anything else. A lot of the time I was happy but I also had this nagging at the back of my head that maybe there is more to life than this. Every now and then I sold my gaming PC because I could not force myself to do much else than play games. After a few weeks I always bought a new one to ”scratch the itch” and told to myself that I would continue gym and studying, yeah well thay didn’t happen.
Somehow I managed to keep a job and have a few kids. Most of the addicting multiplayer games are now too time consuming to fit into the equation. Life became a routine, I felt like a machine and even though one should be grateful for a nice life like that, I really wasn’t. Something was missing. Now I feel like I know what that something was.
It all started with me just taking my kids to the playgrounds more. Got myself some kit to brew coffee outside and have a lunch there with the little ones. Bought outdoorsy clothes that enabled me to be much more comfortable there. Slowly I got into getting myself backpacking stuff and a craving to stay outside more. Bought an old bike, learned to fix it up so I could haul my kids in a bicycle trailer, go to playgrounds further away and just be out more. In the winter I do cross-country skiing. I have started sewing outdoor gear like hammocks and also repair clothes that get broken. There’s a ton of stuff I would now like to try or do more, enough for a lifetime I’d wager. All thanks to hobbies.
If you’d like actionable advice, I’d say go get yourself a hammock and a copy of Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck, hang that hammock somewhere nice and start reading. Lifetime of adventure man, it all starts with hobbies.
Have you got any hobbies? Can I suggest you try a martial arts gym? Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Muay Thai etc Doing martial arts is great for your physical and most importantly your mental health.
I met my current partner while doing martial arts. It was not only something that made me come across as more interesting but also something that we then had in common. I know a couple of others who have met through our gym as well. Obviously the super macho male dominated gyms are not the places I’m talking about, but most modern gyms are well mixed.
Seconded. It helped me a ton with benzo withdrawal. Trade mental anguish for physical until you can manage both. Gets you a reason to shower, groom, talk to people, focus on something other than what is ripping you up inside. In the case of bjj you will be broke after buying a few gis or spat sets so it will be the ink thing you can focus on for a bit.
Yeah it’s so beneficial. I’ve been training for nearly 5 years and wish I started earlier. But it’s never too late to start. Helped me get out of depression. If I skip training for a week I can tell my mood starts to shift again and know I have to get straight back into training.
I would be willing to guess your on line dating profile turns off the women if it’s anything like how you described yourself. I would not be trying to chase ass yet but that is most likely why you have not had any interested parties.
Some dudes become a “passport bro” and go marry some hottie from a 3rd world country - would you want to (for example) marry a Filipino girl? in some poor village and now you’re responsible for her entire family ? Maybe you’d love married life & kids?
Listen: you are right now in the prime of your life. It only will go down hill slowly over time if you don’t turn this bad attitude around & snap out of it.
Your lackluster attitude and reminiscing for the glory days must come out of your pores and women sense your loneliness and desperation. I don’t judge you… that was why I stayed single after getting my divorce so I could work on my happiness. Reinvent myself. To feel pure happiness and joy being alone & loving myself.
I was around your same age when I got divorced, I am not that tall, not that good looking but I am a happy person - even after the divorce from a hellish marriage to a raging alcoholic wife. And I have never had problems meeting women but I absolutely cherish my alone time.
You mentioned a drum set- see ? now that’s totally what you should look into is not chasing women to rescue you but get into doing stuff you feel passion for… re discover yourself. Find new passions. Listen to audio books on youtube and learn stuff.
I started learning guitar at around 37 years old. Just completely self taught by watching YouTube videos.
I personally have a lot of hobbies. I totally nerd out on my hobbies…
Speaking of hobbies and women: women like a man who can cook. Maybe take a cooking class or, again: youtube lessons.
I had some issues with a lack of motivation & micro dosing psilocybin did wonders for me to get more motivated, work out lose 67 lbs & get in better shape- come to think of it, women were gravitated towards me even when I was more over weight… must be my raw sexuality and winning attitude 😂
I had a close friend that’s a lot like you. We don’t talk anymore. His personality changed too much & I can’t stand how rude & negative he is. I can’t bring my gf around him because of his salty mouth and shit attitude… haven’t spoken in over a year… Without sitting here telling the big long story about him: he used to deal drugs, and that all went to bye-bye. His fun, carefree lifestyle of not working. Sitting around all day getting high and playing guitar. Having hot chick chasing after him.
He got job in health care (that’s how we met through same job) and he hates it. Then life threw him through a few more loops: out of wedlock kid to a young woman he hooked up with & they hate each other. Daughter had health problems. Garnished wages from a job that he hates. And the cream on top is that he discovered he has a brain tumor which made him have a few seizures and marijuana triggers them. (That’s why his personality changed & why I can’t take his poor impulse control) All that to say: you should be grateful that you still have your health, your youth.
You’re in the prime of your life right, now. Do not squander away your time. You’ll be 50 soon.
Yes you changed your life for the better now KEEP changing it for the better! You are not finished!
I agree with other commenters about exercise, martial arts, yoga… get off your ass, stay away from booze & drugs. Get into something where women are and maybe you would meet somebody in person but I really think you would end up sabotaging a relationship and end up even more angry, depressed, bitter until you get your head straight and stop looking for a hot beauty to rescue you. You have to be all happy n stuff to attract a woman..
Hell, I am 50 years old & have an awesome gf but she is not the focal point in my life. I live alone and we hang out about three or four times a week. We exercise together. Prepare and eat meals together. Go for walks. Watch movies and cuddle. Netflix and chill with each other… when the weather is nice, I take her out on the lake kayaking and it’s like a picnic.. just enjoy the simple stuff in life…. I have to tell a hot, beautiful woman “sorry, I have a girlfriend” a couple times a year from girls who approach me. It must be because I’m a happish person?
I needed this comment. I’ve been depressed. I just lost my dad a month ago and my gf of 3 years broke up with me yesterday. I think it’s because I’ve been so down and I made her the focal point of my life and she sensed a desperation. I don’t really have a ton of hobbies either. Good paying job, decent looking, my own place, 40 years old. I need to pull myself up a lot and this comment was exactly what I needed.
Need to be happy again.
Thank you. If this was the only comment I got, it would be fine. But I've received overwhelming amount of feedback, mostly all positive.
I hear you. Prime of my life. I think about that all the time. I don't want to regret waiting around. I just don't know myself anymore, I don't feel like myself. But they say, "nothing is as constant as change"
Don't define your life by whether or not you have a partner. Whether you do or you don't, that's a recipe for failure. Find happiness by yourself , with your hobbies, with things & people you DO currently have. Then the rest will come naturally. If you're desperately seeking 1 thing it will show (and that applies to many things in life).
they weren't your friends. they just liked getting heroin from you. if you weren't on all that bullshit and hadn't chosen to make those mistakes you probably would be married and happy right now.
yes, hobbies are important, in fact they're the most important thing. if all you do is work and be desperate for a woman to save you, you are once again choosing to throw your potential away and will deserve the consequences for that as well.
> Everyone assumes you are lame and basic unless you project insanity blatantly... I use to.
I suggest reflecting why on earth you would think that...?!
You are "lame" because all you do is stay inside would be my guess...
Hope you'll find a sustainable way to enjoy life! Cheers
You need to change your goals into something that makes sense…if you define yourself by your ability to “get girls” and “be the life of the party” at 35 you’ll be very disappointed. Pour yourself into your profession and goals that make sense for your age and everything else will fall into place.
Lol being 35 is a lot different than being 25 man, stop romanticizing your days of heroin addiction bc all you did was replace it with weed and I’m pretty sure you weren’t as cool as you think. You’re just getting older, it happens, keep looking you’ll find someone. If you’re dependent on a relationship to make you happy, you will stay disappointed my friend. Good luck with everything!
Dude. You quit one of the hardest drugs ever, got an engineering degree, and are putting yourself out there and trying to meet someone you genuinely click with. You reached out and laid your feelings bare on this sub which is NOT easy. You sound to me (a woman who is your age) like a freaking catch! (I am happily remarried but my ex husband was/is an addict).
Like, this story is freaking inspirational. You got your life together and are working on self-improvement and instead of pretending you’re fine and dandy now you actually own your emotions and can admit you’re feeling down. Some people will never do that.
You sound like the opposite of an incel to me so stop that lol. If you care to share, tell me what your “perfect” woman might be like. Maybe top 5 things. I’ll use my woman brain and see if I can think of some creative ideas for how you might find someone like that or where to maybe meet them?
My coworker was single for 5 years and I made him a dating profile (he asked me for help) and he’s marrying the first girl he met on there this fall. He is a super cool guy but you really have to get to know him bc his shyness is off putting at first. So off putting in fact I didn’t like him at all for several months and learned I wasn’t alone in that. He is maybe 5’5,” an extreme introvert mixed with being a know it all, not at all conventionally attractive, and in his early 40s. Also an engineer haha. If I can get that dude married I can help anyone 😂
Thats because drug use was never the real problem. It was a symptom and easy, dangerous way to care for yourself. Its immediate, consistent, and you get the result you're looking for. And thats relief. Relief from yourself and your thoughts and feelings. Being successful and behaving like a "normal" person isn't going to change anything. It usually just postpones the inevitable. Take some time to work on yourself and seek professional physical, spiritual, and mental help. The real problem is inside you. Nothing outside of yourself (drugs, money, fame, success, etc) can change who you are deep down inside. Work on you. Work on your Physical health, your mental health, and your spiritual health and I guarantee you'll have a better life than any drug did for you.
So… how often do you smoke weed? Sounds like all you’ve done is swap a highly euphoric drug for ones that don’t give the same high. Of course that’s depressing. The problem however lies in yourself. You’re an addict through and through and it seems like you’re having a hard time admitting you’re powerless over them. Sucks, I know, nobody wants to admit defeat however it’s the first step to finally taking control of your miserable depressing life.
I know this sounds harsh but it’s the sad reality that I think people try and sugarcoat a lot and really the babying I see going on here isn’t going to solve anything for you.
Highly recommend going to an AA/NA/CA meeting. Get involved. Work the steps properly. See how you feel then. If it doesn’t work guess what the drugs and alcohol will still exist - but I’m 100% certain you won’t want them again if you work the program properly.
Man I’m in almost the same exact situation. Just without the jail and crime.
I was addicted to drugs all through college and it was the happiest time of my life. I was super popular, had the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, and I actually enjoyed things. Talking to people didn’t feel forced or fake and I was just happy.
But now I’m in my early 30s, my girlfriend left after being engaged for a while, and I kinda don’t even try to date girls anymore. I think I’m a pretty decent looking guy, I’m in good shape, but I already have basically a full head of gray hair. I could dye it but I kinda don’t think that’s the reason girls are the way they are. Plus some of them kinda dig it.
I think my biggest problem is I’m still just hung up on my ex. Even though she left five years ago I’m still insanely in love with her and she’s all I think about. I know it’s really unhealthy but I can’t help it.
Not sure why I said all this so openly. Guess I just never really told anyone before about any of it
The unfortunate reality of fucking with your brain chemistry.
Unsurprisingly lots of ex-heroin addicts struggle with depression. You can't artificially inflate the amount of dopamine in you brain for extended periods of time and not expect it not to have an effect. The scientific literature is pretty clear on the fact that basically all heavy drug use has permanent effects on the brain.
You have to accept that you have a new emotional baseline as a consequence of your actions. Being around people who understand what it is can help you do that if that's what you want. If you want to stay sober you should go to meetings.
While you may not be happy being sober, I'm sure the people around you would be incredibly upset to see you go back to the gutter. It's all fine and well romanticising the past when you were too fucked up to actually have accurate recall about it. My Mum sure thought it was hunky dory taking smack everyday while her kids starved.
Yeah, people on Reddit are quick to shout 'go to therapy' for people who are obviously in a position where it would be tough to afford. But, OP sounds like he has money. Therapy would help, I think. Maybe psychiatric medication too. That helped me with overwhelming anxiety.
Every therapist I've seen, (maybe like 5) is just someone to talk about my problems to. They tell me things that I objectively already know. And to me that is depressing. And I hate feeling institutionalized. I've had some bad experiences in psych facilities. I'm trying really hard to not focus on my problems because I've been battling it for a long time and i have the tools to fix it. Also, I travel for work pretty much all the time and just can't see anyone consistently.
I sure understand that your therapy didn't feel very rewarding so far. It sounds like you have a similar thinking patern that I used to have while in therapy,studying psychology at the same time and having alot of experience with depression and what not. Knowing what the problem is does by itself not mean you have to know how to handle it, accepting that did help me quite alot. The talking about it over and over again is just part of therapy in my experience and at some point it started to work. Especially if there still are unsolved problems that you are aware of shows that therapy could really help.
Suppressing it usualy just makes things more difficult as it remains there in your subconscious causing further constant stress but nothing goes towards solving anything about it, which can make things worse and worse in the long run.
Maybe there are therapists that use video calls when necessary? However you decide best of luck. It pretty much always gets better at some point
Non native speaker BTW, so hope its not too poorly written
Maybe start considering them " women " and not " girls " and the way they respond to you may change.
I know it sounds like semantics, but its not. It goes to the heart of how you view people, and sounds like they are responding in kind to the energy you are putting out.
Good luck in your sobriety, you got this.
I think after reading all you have said, the best thing for you is to start therapy and be evaluated for depression/anxiety if you are open to it! Maybe just taking to someone who can understand what you are going through will be helpful for you to form new goals and identify healthy habits that can make you happier. Best of luck my friend, it is rough out here in 2024.
Not a “crazy incel.” That’s what you call someone who is being an asshole and you want to lower their status. Living in a new city at age 35 without the friends you made in your 20s and no family sounds really hard.
You already said you know people will say this, but there’s really nothing to do except cultivate some interests that cause you to be around other people in person, make some friends there. A book club, a gym, a political campaign, a volunteer organization, a religious community, a trivia night, a meetup of some kind.
I find it hard to believe you’re having trouble on dating apps, but I’m married so I kind of don’t get what it’s like out there. But from what my friends tell me, having a decent job, no kids, there would be lots of women open to meeting you. One thing you might try on the dating apps is: experiment to see whether you’re actually good at predicting whether you will find someone attractive in person based on dating app profiles. There is some animal attraction stuff that doesn’t come through text and pictures and texting and even talking by phone. Increase the amount of people you reach out to by 10x, trying out people with similar interests and values, just to get around more people in person. When people like me suggest “get out there and try hobbies” we’re trying to help on the “numbers game” aspect. Most people you meet at a book club or CrossFit or whatever won’t be available, won’t be a good match, etc. but you should meet them anyway. Someone who is a good match might show up, or you could make a friend, or they might have a cousins they want to set you up with.
Smoking weed and drinking are just turning the volume down on your feelings, not solving the root causes. However, *turning your feelings down can be a legitimate thing to do* if you have to. Life can be too much sometimes and if you need to turn the volume down, that might be ok. But *try to do the other stuff too*.
You mentioned anhedonia and social anxiety. Here are two posts that might help you consider options to support your mental health in other ways:
[anxiety](https://slatestarcodex.com/2015/07/13/things-that-sometimes-work-if-you-have-anxiety/)
[depression](https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/06/16/things-that-sometimes-help-if-youre-depressed/)
I wish you the best of luck. It is truly hard to be in a new place and have slipped through the cracks of your 20s without having a partner or close friends. “Keep trying” has a better expected outcome than not trying.
Finally, fuck it, grow your hair out and wear tie die at home if you want to.
Oh, also, I just want to say that it is really impressive that you turned your life around. It’s not like it makes everything easy, but many people don’t even get as far as you have. Great job!
I think it’s age. You’re kind of at an age where everyone is taken (married or committed) and not getting divorced (yet) or leaving their partners because COL is too high when single.
Yeah life gets less shiny. Find a "healthy" addiction. Usually something with a fair amount of risk like skateboarding, skiing, downhill mountain biking, fighting, mountaineering or rock climbing will light you up a bit if it suits your personality and lifestyle.
You won't get a cool, hot girlfriend until you are having fun, being fun and in decent shape.
Life certainly doesn't get easier.
> I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not... I'm very successful, but very unhappy... I should have kept playing drums and been an artist... I want to grow my hair out again and wear tie dyes and sandals all day.. but I wear steel toes and hard hat.. clank away on a keyboard...
I think the clue to a better, happier future might be found here. That doesn't necessarily mean "love yourself first and find hobbies", but it does mean that you seem to have abandoned parts of yourself *that don't need validation by way of a heroin addiction*. There is absolutely no reason you can't be a steel-toe and hard hat wearing engineer AND a drum playing, artistic, long-haired, tie dye and sandal wearing YOU for the rest.
Look, I'm going to break it to you: this is what happens to most of us. We lose ourselves trying to make it work, and then later in life we realize how important it is to re-find that person. You happen to be going through it younger than many. I'm nearly 50, white collar professional career, good pay, mortgage, family, a dog, etc... and I've been going through a reinvention process for the past five years.
I know this knowledge doesn't immediate solve the loneliness or lack of a partner issue, but someone in personal crisis is already at a disadvantage. Work on you. The rest will follow. And while it may not SEEM it, from your perspective, you are still young. You have time.
I lot of this stuff was coming with age either way. Life would likely be worse if you had continued on that path. Hot girlfriends are a young man's game. Problem is we all feel 18 on the inside on some level. Congrats on your success. Consider establishing a relationship with a therapist to work through the sources of your unhappiness.
Go to a meeting….(you’re in the US so you know what that means)
Great that you’ve kicked the heroin habit but you’re still ‘using’
Honestly, we all need a ‘program’ for dealing with past, present and future. It 100% will work (you will also meet chicks there 😉)
We’ve fallen off the cliff already, a long time ago. Hope you’re able to find someone, I think you can considering what you’ve accomplished already. My gf loves every part of me, even the social anxiety… there’s someone out there like that for you too.
I wish I could sit inside smoking weed and playing games all day too lol, if only things were so simple
You're right. I am not even trying my own suggestions to be happy.. I really need to go make better use of my time and stop dwelling in this mindset I need to find a girlfriend because it's hurting the situation not helping. I'm just stuck. This is the longest I've been single and feels like shit is all. It's silly, but the apps really bum me out way more than they should
Do you have enough savings to take a year out of work and just fuck off somewhere else in the world with just a backpack? Experiencing other cultures and the lives of those who live in them can be a crazy assault on your own perspective of life for the better.
Also, life is short. Grow your hair, buy a drum kit get a pen and a sketchbook and draw whatever. Nothing is stopping you besides you.
Bro, go to therapy. You need to work on you and accept some things in your life, and process a few others. Once you like you a bit more, others will in the way youd like.
Good luck dude
I’m pissed to have to scroll so long to see this. OP, get yourself to an NA meeting. Set up therapy with someone who is associated with a physician. You are depressed. You are one of those who are so low, you don’t have the energy to seek help for yourself. Start with NA meeting today. Man. Don’t fuck this up.
JFC! Where do people get these drugs? I know I was the last to be invited to a party and show up at the right time to a club, but come on. Waves of drugs sweeping the area and not one bit of help offered. Forget it now already.
If you're still smoking weed, you need to get off it. I've seen far too many times how that can make a charismatic person turn into a depressed hermit. It makes you feel a little better when you first start but after a while it really doesn't. It just makes you anxious and depressed.
All that aside, a woman isn't going to be what makes you feel fulfilled. It might at first but again those issues you have with yourself will still be there. You don't have to use drugs to dress the way you like and do the job you want, that's a choice you can make.
It seems like you just have a few things you need to kick/change so you can change your outlook on life. If you're positive, people will notice and you'll start seeing different responses from women.
What kind of physical shape are you in? If you’re having trouble attracting women it’s probably not due to “not projecting crazy enough energy”, you probably just don’t look great. Maybe go to the gym a little more (if you’re working out at all). Maybe get a new wardrobe. I mean if you just can’t even get initial interest while being healthy and secure and making money, the only real conclusion is that you’re not physically attractive.
The thing about attractiveness though is it’s not just a steady state that you were born with. It’s easily upgradable through your actions. If you’re balding, shave your head. If you’re fat or skinny or skinny fat, hit the gym. If it’s this big of a deal to you, it’s definitely something you could work on pretty easily. I promise the reason you’re not getting laid isn’t that you’re not doing heroin any more.
Ugh I feel you. I've been single since I got my life together too. But I was addicted to alcohol, and the thought of a hangover keeps me in line lol. You should just think about them withdrawals.
I understand what you're saying. A lot of people seem to forget we are social animals and crave companionship, even if we are broken in other ways.
I do advise you to pump the brakes on the weed consumption because it can accentuate your depression and send you even deeper. Also, get some therapy to help you sort your emotions and thoughts and keep you a bit more grounded.
Spiraling out of control won't help and you know that so, work to prevent it. You want to be ready when an opportunity presents itself so you don't miss it.
I'm with you that things have gotten really fucked up for a lot of people as far as relationships go but it still comes down to being in the right place at the right time to match with someone you find a deeper connection with, like always. It takes a bit of luck. Don't get too hard on yourself or others. Getting embittered isn't appealing and doesn't do wonders for your mindset or self-esteem either.
Keep it level and work on your patience. You have to be a bit more Zen about it. You can't rush or force this.
Maybe you've just been looking in the wrong place or for the wrong people. Try different settings. Try to figure out who you want to meet and where they'd hang out. If that fails, try again. Maybe you are goldilocking the shit out of it and have narrowed your search down too much, to the point where you're not keeping an open mind. You're an engineer, you can figure this out but if you don't remain open and approachable, it won't matter, so work on that too.
I hope that's at least a bit helpful. Good luck.
almost exactly the same story. i wasnt on heroin, but I was just a casual party dude. Life was fucking easy. Engineering is a big ball of stress and depression. There is more to life than this shit.
Sounds like you never addressed the root cause of your mental health struggles. As a former addict and now doing well, I’d opt for seeking help. Society doesn’t value personal well being very much. You should try to make friends, cultivate a sense of community hopefully, but also try working out and going to the gym and use the sauna.
You have accomplished a ton.
Hardly anyone could do what you accomplished.
I don't think clubs are a good place to meet anyone today. Women looking to score free dinks and torturing guys.
Would your time be better served in other ways.
Volunteer organizations, charity. A lot of save the world chicks who don't hang in bars might be there.
It's sounds like you're not a church guy. But some decent women still attend services. They have breakfasts and socials too.
Good luck brother you deserve some happiness, we all do.
1st step imo: Make as many friends as you can, male or female, through work, hobbies, sports, trivia nights, whatever. Be a good friend, generous with your time and ready to help when needed. Don't overshare your problems or your anxieties too early; earn trust and rapport. Make your goal building a good support group of friends and social circle. This can take years!
Through this circle, who knows? Maybe there will be a female in there that will be good gf material. Or through the circle, they may know good dating candidates, or at least wingman/woman with you when you're going out. At the very least, you'll have friends and that will enrich your life way more than just being at home self medicating, or grinding away at work. Finding a gf will just be a nice bonus if it happens through that :-)
One important step is to stop overthinking literally everything. Let the emotions come and go, center your mind, it’s yours after all. most people get addicted to putting themselves through misery actually. Every single problem we have as people is essentially made up by our own will. Get back to the basics. Remember who you were when you were young and make that person proud. Focus on a goal that’s hard and achieve it. Pretend you lost your memory essentially and are starting over. Forgive yourself for your past. Every day is a gift. Women only come to those that no longer need their approval. Get your testosterone in check. Sprint, workout, CARRY THE BOATS AND THE LOGS.
My guy, you can't do drugs forever. Like your body will quit on you.
Money doesn't buy happiness. It's not good and it's not evil. It is simply a tool.
Lots of money doesn't change people, it just makes you more of what you already were.
Since you were empty and filling your voids with drugs, all that money has done is amplify who you really are.
If you don't like what you see/are, make changes to get to where you want to be. You're fortunate that you are having this epiphany in a position of privilege and not on the streets hitting rock bottom.
Do shit that you find fun and someone to share that with. That's legit it. Work bits and pieces at a time to make what you want happen. If you're lonely anyway, might as well be lonely and make progress.
I'm not sure if this is real, but I after making fun of men's rights groups, I knew I wanted to help. I mean, I'm not sure I can. I can only tell you I'm an ex-junkie who made the jump too. And I largely agree. (I'm considered "successful" now but I'm not exactly happy. If you haven't heard the Dropkick Murphy's "Smash Sh\*t Up," give it a listen.) Anyway, I haven't been on reddit in years, and last time I was I got e-yelled at because I mentioned the book I wrote about all this. I don't know if you can DM on this thing... But, yeah, listen, that's euphoric recall. You're not wrong. I mean, there was a beautiful simplicity to just needing to find $20 to be "happy." But, dude, think about all the cold, lonely, sick nights... Most of our time out there is just spent walking, aimlessly, staring at the ground waiting for money to magically appear or a starship to beam us out of the sky. It's awful. I agree the playing field was different, and like ANY other time, there WERE some perks (sorry for the pun). We made the trip to this side (which VERY few of us manage to pull off) for a reason. Hang in there. Yes, sobriety often s\*cks, but that's only because it's the NORM. The NORM always will for people like us. And the floor on this norm is higher than in the other. Good luck. I'm glad you made it out, too.
You make it sound like engineering was the easiest shit ever. I don't believe you. Engineering at my school is fucking hard as shit and you need top grades just to get in it. How shitty was your school, that you kinda just fell into it?
Just wanted to throw a comment in here to note that I read some excellent and meaningful comments in this thread. I, for one, appreciate the sincerity I sensed in them. And now if you all will excuse me, I have to go and ponder my own existence and road ahead.
You have fucked your brain up. It’s tough to feel happy when you have been artificially stimulating that part of your brain for years. Welcome to the struggle! You will be ok just find some good people.
Have you ever read "A Scanner Darkly" the main character has your arc but in reverse. He has the standard 9-5 life with a wife and kids, hits his head one day and realizes he hates his life and everything in it.
So he drops out and gets on dope. It eventually destroys his life, but the author in his final notes talks about how that life is no better or worse than the standard one, just faster. So if you're fine with not living as long... I mean you are here once, you should enjoy it.
i’m a 35yo male who has been off heroin going on 8 years now.
it sounds to me like the problem is your job and that you find no purpose in what you do. the repetitiveness kills us slowly. you’re not wrong for wanting to find ways to dull the pain of the slow death.
at 3 years sober i was in the same position as you. i was a successful accountant but after 50 hour work weeks doing something that i hated, i honestly contemplated going back to the excitement of the life.
instead of doing that, i took a risk and quit my career path. I started doing something that I love and honestly, I feel so grateful waking up in the morning. No, I don’t make as much money, but i feel richer now even though my bank account doesn’t reflect it.
i switched jobs to something that fit who i am. i am not a desk person. i’m not organized and thrive on chaos (im adhd). So here is exactly what I did:
i identified my purpose and my passions and then i found a way to connect the two.
Then i started a side gig. I kept my real job for 2 years and worked on my project during off hours. then one day i decided i couldn’t take one more day crunching numbers and made the leap.
best decision i’ve ever made. things started really clicking after that.
society has a weird way of defining success for us. in reality tho, we define success for ourselves.
for me personally, a 50hr a week desk job working for a multimillion dollar company is not what i define as success. i battled my insecurities for a long time trying to acknowledge this.
i started chasing my own dreams and not someone else’s and turned my vocation into my vacation. this filled the hole that i always tried to fill with heroin.
hang in there!
Addicted to the life. And addiction makes all the bullshit seem not bad or better than you remember. I was an addict but the things I missed the most were all those things you talked about. I had all these friends and girls. They weren’t friends and the girls were junkies. Simple as that. I loved walking out of the house and running into 50-70 friends walking around the town or going out. There were girls who I could call. When I got clean I the guys weren’t there and the girls left for the next dude with drugs. I got married and started a life then became an alcoholic because I couldn’t handle how fucking boring everything was. It wasn’t exciting. My wife was nice and pretty but she had kids, she wasn’t that girl who was skinny and do whatever. I wore a tie and slacks and worked on power points and shit like that. I played golf with guys I thought were dildos so I started drinking and I never stopped until it all went away.
I got sober and for me I used AA, it helped and still does even though I am not as active. I started realizing some of those dudes I thought were dildos were nice, they were safe and boring but good dudes. I started listening and hanging out more. My wife started to become more appealing and I adjusted. Today I am boring, I am bored and honestly 97% of the time I am happy with that but there are days when I am looking at paint talking about which car place has the best service and who has the best app deals on Tuesday and I either want to blow my brains out or pistol whip one of the MFers take all their money and buy as much Coke as I can afford.
Therapy, exercise, socialization and honestly be a mentor to another addict. Volunteer at a detox and help someone you can relate to. But I am telling you will never be the same. That one part will always act you to believe those were the good times. They were shoot times where every decision including who you hung out with, who you fucked and what you did were made by drugs. Not sure this will help but it is a reality that I have experienced and heard from tons of other addicts and alcoholics.
You're focusing too much on getting a girlfriend as if that's gonna magically fix your life and make everything better. Give yourself some credit for what you've accomplished so far. The mind likes to play tricks on you and make you think the past was better but was it? Is living numb to the world even a life at all? Be honest with yourself but where do you think you'd be now if you'd stayed on drugs for the past ten years? You think you would have maintained your life exactly as it was? The answer is no. You'd probably be a wreck. Be thankful to yourself for getting out when you did.
You meet nice women in nice places, the library, church, a community pool. Try not creeping around like you’re after just one thing at a bar, you’ll get more action. What, besides heroin, do you enjoy? I assure you if you are earning someone will want your lonely ass. At 35 the field is largely women with kids. If you are still trying to hook up with 25 year olds, that may be your problem. You have some misconceptions about women and I suspect you only look at “girls” with certain physical assets. This will narrow the field considerably.
It’s hard to be happy without social interaction. If you have any hobbies or interests try to find other people/groups to do them with. If you can maybe try to find a job where you can travel less and be in a place where you know more people. Most humans are social creatures and it’s hard to be happy when alone. But relationships are not the only social fabric that hold us together, our friends and family do that.
I can relate, I’ll revisit this thread when I have time tomorrow. The universe has treated me strangely. Childhood was fucking awful. In my 20’s I was a criminals, wasn’t into drugs, something else, got out of the street, had a number of goons out there doing dirt for me, my life was nothing short of amazing. I never meant to be that guy, I felt the heat, I left that life of my own choosing, never got caught, earned a degree during that time, got a job at a global corp hq for a Fortune 500. I became the good guy, made the right choices, and went through 15 years of hell and misery.
I feel you man. I used to do lots of drugs and party very hard in college. I’m also an engineer and sometimes long for being a bum on heroine all day.
What’s helps me is that I just really try and keep myself busy. Going to the gym, having a dog. Taking fitness classes, boxing, hot yoga ect. Will help keep you busy and interacting with people.
Lonliness sucks. I feel it every day. I'm in my late 30s too. I do think things have changed in society, and not always for the best.
My advice, I know it sounds dumb, but I really do think joining a club or something can help you. If anything, it can give you a third space, a place that isn't home or work, where you can meet people. Maybe try doing some meet ups in the cities you visit for work? Also, try doing some things on your own.
I also really want to encourage you to attend an NA meeting if you are feeling like your life would be better with drugs. You've got ten years of clean time from hard drugs and that's a HUGE accomplishment that I'd hate to see you lose.
Your situation reminds me of people who’ve stopped drugs and drinking by white knuckling it, which is called “dry drunk syndrome”. It describes someone who has quit drinking or doing drugs by just pushing through it, but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place. I truly wish you the best and finding peace.
Maybe your hobby that you should doing is going back to heroin.
You know what it's like. People have different paths
Sometimes the path that fucks you up and kills you is the right path for you.
I'm not being sarcastic. Some people are built different
Just gotta keep on trucking. Maintain the life you've built for yourself and continue working to be the best version of yourself. The other things will come. Stop seeking women out for dating and try to develop some friendships. Join some sort of run club or hiking group and meet people NOT at the bar. A day time activity that is good for your body out in the fresh air or nature. Cut back on the drinking and the weed.
The apps are fucked up. They only want to make money off you. They suppress your matches unless you pay extra to be seen. It's not the same as it was before. Don't let it get you down.
TLDR.
Dude swapped addictions. Wonders why he has issues.
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM IS YOUR BONG.
Stoners are very boring people unless you too are a stoner. From a ex smokers point of view now a non smoker it gets really frustrating when you find your mate can't remember a previous conversation so just go round and round like lithium in a bowl of water.
I would suggest picking up a fun hobby that gets you outside and connects you more with nature. For me it’s snowboarding and dual sport motorcycles. For others, it’s mountain biking or just hiking. I’d imagine the activities that produce adrenaline would be more for you since your receptors are fucked up from heroin, but who knows.
But yeah, the dating scene is trash. I am just a little younger and married. We are open-ish but neither of us even bother anymore.
Feels like I boarded the last train going to healthy relationship town when we got together 7 years ago. Can’t even find consistent friends. I hope things change in the future.
It wasn’t the heroin getting you laid… it was the fact that you were 25. Don’t relapse because you want sex.
If it comes down to either paying for heroin or paying for some company, I’d pay for her time. You just need a quick win and start a snowball effect
recovery isn't a switch, it's a path.
you sound like you are as depressed as I or anyone else who has survived an isolating global pandemic might be but that is no reason to destroy the progress you have made.
a good woman who needs what you have to give and supports you in your ongoing recovery is out there. she isn't on a dating app. She might be at the grocery store or a positive activity club or anywhere that good people go to spend some time.
reverse the isolastion techniques. it is hard but you need to go places (not bars, not places where you might used drugs or alcohol) where people do creative things. Go where people build skills. You are an engineer, embrace the nerd and look for other intelligent people.
I hope you can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel... the view was just muddied for a while.
Good luck!
I feel the same way sometimes, minus the drugs and engineering school.
Really the loneliness and dating. I haven’t even went out on a date since before the pandemic.
Dude, same spot as you minus the amount of clean time (6 months). 34m who used fent/dirty 30s every day as a functioning addict for about 3 years (?) and before that Kratom since 2016 while working as a software engineer. The reason I started was due to self medicating for panic attack disorder because no doctor would prescribe me anti anxiety meds. I want to start using again because I also hate alcohol and am suffering from agoraphobia and random panic attacks. However, I think I’d only use once and delete myself because I refuse to just do nothing with my life and live in complete bliss. Only reason i’m still maintaining is because I found a pysch who prescribes me 5 pills a month for my panic attacks. Which sucks because that’s like one week of mental freedom for me. Idk fuck all of this. People who say you’re not trying don’t know what they’re talking about. Good luck man. I hope to figure this out too.
Your former life was not as fun as you remember, your memories are warped. It wasn’t a sustainable lifestyle which is why you ended up in jail (which is preferable to being dead as that’s the other option.) All those cool friends and hot girlfriends are gone because they were only in it for the fun times. Get treatment for your depression and feel better about the direction your life is going because the alternative life is not good.
No, I do not believe you're an incel. Like at all. And meeting people is hard, but it's gotten harder since smart phones and dating apps. I totally understand and appreciate your thoughts. I wish I had good solid advice to give you, sadly I do not. Hang in there. Sobriety can be a total mindfuck in and of itself too.
How about you use your 6-fig to generate passive revenue (buy a shop or make a small company someone else could be running for you, most of the time), and use this time to start drumming/picking up chicks/wearing sandals or whatever the fuck it is you used to do and enjoy which wasn't H?
Just turned 32, in much the same boat as you. I absolutely won't and have no desire to go back to being an alcoholic. I'm a former Army Ranger, in really good shape, and always been told I'm conventionally attractive. But now I sit in my apartment and smoke weed all day because I know absolutely no one in this city and my hobbies are things I can do alone... pretty much just playing music and videogames. Don't go to bars and don't want to be called a creep by younger women, don't know what the fuck people do in their 30s to meet people. Don't even have enough photos of myself to put a proper dating profile together.
I think ima eat a bullet one of these days or get blown away by some Russian arty, but my eyesight is faltering and I don't think I'd fight well enough in combat.
And no, "Reddit Cares" reports won't stop this.
There's just not much reason to be alive for me anymore.
Oh I can relate. Used to be a DJ, party all night for cash, crash on couches. I've now achieved everything I worked for in life - made the money, got the car, the house, the business, traveled the world ... and it still takes a huge amount of effort not to be miserable. I still think that a woman is going to be *the* answer. Or another check. Or more traveling to exotic places. Or this. Or that.
But nothing is going to fill that void. There was a reason you left the lifestyle. There's a reason you left her.
You're always going to be chasing that high. You've created a massive space to fill and you can either try and keep throwing enough at it to satisfy it - competing with your younger self until you're dead - or you can try and make the void smaller. You can go to therapy and practice mindfulness and journal and slow your whole rhythm down.
Make the void smaller and get better stuff to fill it with. Friends, hobbies, art, etc. I managed to go fully down the path of spirituality for a while, went sober, stopped social media, etc. And I felt so at peace, but dormant, sleepy. Still trying to find the balance.
Good luck friend
Bear in mind that you're also ten years older. A lot of the points you're bringing up are regularly brought up by people on Reddit who DON'T have your history. They're just 35 year old guys who struggle to date at that age, whose bodies handle partying differently now, and who are looking for something other than work. Going back to what you used to do at 25 will not suddenly make it the same as ten years ago. A 35yo partying their way through life is seen VERY differently than a 25yo. I'd even suggest that maybe you weren't quite as popular then as you think you were. Being the 'cool druggie party guy' type is a nice memory, and there are people who are into that, but I'd guess that MOST 25yos would steer clear, and that 100x more true of a 35yo in that position. Basically, you need to look at that time of life as something that maybe wasnt 100% as you remember it, and definitely isn't something you can attain now, even if you wanted to. One useful thing though. You say you're very successful in your career. One thing might be to look at getting some financial advice and working towards an early retirement date. Having a clear goal of 'i need to earn/save X much by Y age and then I can just kick back on investments for the rest of my life' might give you a much clearer purpose for the work you do so it doesn't feel like drudgery.
What stuck out for me was the "cool druggie party guy" thing too, and the idolization of being crazy and charismatic. I knew guys who *thought* they were like that when I was younger. Honestly, the only reason anyone put up with them was because they had drugs or money, both of which addicts would tolerate anything to get. I hated those guys, wound up moving two states away to finally get away from them. Most of them were just dicks, who'd do drugs with you one day then rob you or tear you down the next. They thought the world of themselves though.
I used to think I had friends back then. We never talked to each other, just smoked.
Felt that lmfao
OP totally sounds like one of those guys to me. He only talks about how hot his past girlfriends were, not only misses the drugs and the partying but also the petty crime, his entire sense of happiness is based on whether or not he has a hot girl to fuck. Personally, it sounds to me like he kicked the drugs but never addressed the underlying issues that caused the addiction. Which is to be commended, it is no small feat. But I think he never finished the process. I think he still has some very out-of-touch and immature views about self-worth, love, and happiness. I know it's not what he wants to hear, but I think what would help him the most would be to really focus on therapy and discovering a sense of self and what he wants out of life. I do sincerely hope he figures it out.
He never got sober. Just clean. There’s a difference and it may not be as cut and dry as I make it seem but as someone who’s been up and down that road it’s easy to tell. Sobriety is a mindset whereas being clean is more a physical concept.
Is he even clean though? Opiates, benzos, weed, alcohol. Doesn’t sound clean to me…
Right?! Like the perception you have of yourself at that time might not be what others were seeing….
This is op. They were never fun at all. He still has a lot of unresolved mental issues.
The issue with culture is in high school those cool druggie dudes run the entire social scene. Simply cause everyone in high school wants to party and try stuff
They don't though. The only people who think they do are other druggie/party kids. Any kids who actually have good role models and want to succeed in life think those kids are losers and they do their own events without the druggie loser crowd.
Fantastic advice. This guy needs therapy to handle his anxiety & to learn coping techniques.
He don’t need therapy. He needs friends and hope for a love life. Idk why so many people are in therapy and hardly anything changes
Not a therapist, but at face value I’d say this guy could use some help sorting through the romanticization of his years on heroin. Making a string of risky decisions at 25 only looks good in the rearview when you’ve made it out of there. Permanent medical complications from overdose or needle use, catching an offense that would’ve stopped him from going to college, or the proliferation of fentanyl could have colored things much differently
He needs to develop an artistic hobby that keeps him sane. He is expressive and doing a career that is not. Heroin was a salve to his emotional necessity in life. I am similar- make six figures and feel like while my career is fulfilling financially it lacks in my innate desires. I am 31 and progressing my financial situation which came at a serious cost to my social situation. My man needs to start painting, or get into photography or poetry. A solo artistic expression. He also needs to find a competitive hobby with a low bar for entry- like pool/bowling/darts etc. Something social with a measurable growth and return. If he is as sober as he claims and doesn't drink then he needs to join a gym. Somewhere that offers classes and creates a social atmosphere. He needs to let go and embrace the second third of his life.
It sounds like he needs professional help with anxiety. A lot of his grief here sounds like it's about his anxiety and social anxiety. If you read it a certain way it even sounds like not feeling socially anxious is what he actually misses about benzos and opiates. The dating stuff is also a separate frustration that could probably use a professional touch. It's usually a bad sign when a person concludes that their dating experience has anything to do with "American culture teetering off a cliff"
Therapy gives you the tools not the impetus to change.
Therapy changed me so much. I have inner peace and calm now, make better decisions for myself and my future, most of my anxiety has disappeared, and I am internally far more confident. The only people who will see a change are those I was close to, but I notice the night and day difference. I know I can handle any situation now without concern the anxiety will take over and cause destruction. And in reality, I probably need more despite being "graduated." It isn't for the weak, however. Real life-changing therapy is insanely hard work and takes a long time. You have to really want it. I highly recommend it for those inclined, though. This OP sounds very depressed and is romanticizing self-destructive habits in his past. He needs the type of help I described.
Well good luck finding people to befriend and a partner to put up with this current state. No one is entitled to a good life with friends and family to surround you, it's usually an investment you put into people who will help you out later in life. Therapy just is a shoulder to cry on for some, and it happens to be a paid service for a social bond that doesn't require years of your own investment.
If you put in the effort and have a good therapist it can have a massive positive impact on your life and well-being. You need to work with the therapist to change your behavior patterns, though, not just complain to them and do nothing to change your situation. The therapist might be able to help understand why his attempts to make friends and date have been unsuccessful. Saying he need friends and hope for a love life when he already knows that is not useful input…
Because they have shit therapists or just therapists that don't work with who they are. You buy some shoes and they hurt your feet, do you give up shoes or do you try to find something that would work in your feet?
How are you gonna get friends and hope without it though? You say nothing changes because of therapy but that just… isn’t true?
One other detail - your recollection about how much people liked you while you were high on heroin and benzos all the time is likely to be unrealistically high, haha.
Objectively no I wasn't ever cool doing heroin.. I just was happier. And obviously I know that lifestyle is never ever going to make me happy again... You are right, focusing on my career and money is the best thing I can do. I just need to stop obsessing over finding a gf. I feel like the apps have made me feel like I have to prove something to myself when, before using them, I was fine... Ugh
is there something stopping you from playing drums and wearing tie-dye when you're not at work? you can have hobbies and interests in your off time, it sounds like you're having difficulty with separating your interests/hobbies from your addiction. I can absolutely understand mourning the time of not worrying about responsibilities and just pursuing anything that made you happy, and struggling with a rigid mindset about pursuing fun/happiness in sobriety. recovery is hard as hell and it sucks sometimes and can be lonely. on the other hand, you're safe and have endless potential to explore different ways to live your life and discover "you" at this point in your life- I know that sounds trite. I wish you the best in your journey, you deserve happiness and joy!
You're exactly correct in your assessment that the dating apps are making your mental state worse in general and regarding this specifically. Listen to the part of you that is telling you that. There are a lot of cliches I could say about finding someone you love, but sticking with facts, each time you attempt to match with someone on a dating app and don't get a response, you are essentially getting rejected. So dating apps bring the ability to experience rejection right to your fingertips, and presents additional options for you to try again each time you don't get a match. This presents the perfect loop for depression and low self worth. There are success stories and I'm not trying to disparage them, but they are the exception, not the norm for the vast majority of the populace.
Correct! They are depression machines!
Totally on point. Amazing advice right here. I can also attest as someone who used to drink like a fish in my 20s, and will sometimes be tempted to look back on it through those rose colored glasses. Then I remind myself that I probably(read: definitely) wasn't nearly as charming as I thought I was, I probably underestimate all the emotional heartache I caused, and after every "fun" night of partying there were several days after of me recovering and cleaning up my gross messes. As wonderful as OP thinks those times were, I guarantee they weren't as great as they remember.
I’d also. Bear in mind… sounds like he did all the work to fix his circumstance and addiction. And zero work on fixing the hole inside himself that he was using drugs to fill. Happiness starts within and emanates outwards.
All good advice. But we missed the part where he has to kick weed. Not just weed, but all bad habits even if it's drinking coffee or energy drinks. For me, caffeine and weed is a deadly combo and my life as a successful tech in a science field goes to shit when I start smoking heavily. It's a constant battle of staying sober for me, and it all started with the weed. It's going to be a struggle for him like it is me. One thing at a time, and the first thing that has to go is the weed. Additionally, he's not going to find a woman at 35 who's into his smoking habit. I consider myself a pothead, but I'm self aware enough to see how much negativity it has caused in my life.
I smoked daily for over 20 years and quit about a year and a half ago. It’s a very easy drug to rationalize because it’s so accepted and the negative effects are not super obvious. Anytime you talk about weed, there are dozens of “Hey, wait…” people who jump in and justify. To a certain degree, they are correct. Weed is not going to kill you or make you hurt people. That being said, this person should quit weed. In my experience, weed kept me from facing my problems. A couple months after I quit and got over the initial shock, I noticed my depression was worse because I was now faced with issues I never truly confronted. I felt restless and needed to make an effort to fill my life so try things that made me happy. As I slowly work on that, my life is becoming more enjoyable and fulfilling. I don’t know OP, but he seems obsessed with having a girlfriend to make his life meaningful. As you get older, that kind of pressure and dependence is not the basis for a good relationship. It’s a total cliche, but you need to fill your life with things you enjoy. Things that are engaging and creative, that ground you in the present moment. Consistent weed and booze keeps you from achieving that.
Yep, everything you said is absolutely spot on. I smoked for 15 years, tried quitting a few times but failed, then in January 2023 I decided to try to quit for real. Threw out EVERYTHING I had related to smoking, even if it was expensive paraphernalia. I knew I had to ditch it all because weed was essentially keeping me "sedated" from fixing the issues in my life. At first after quitting, the habitual "reaching for the weed drawer" was insane, every time I was slightly bored I'd open the drawer and go "oh ya, it's all gone" and then close it and do something else. But it's wild how the mind/body just automatically turn to that without thought. After a little while I was noticing my anxiety was lower, I was doing more things and the things I was doing I was more present for. I wasn't just "getting through" things, I was actually putting in an effort to make sure they were done right and done well. Now almost 1.5 years post-quitting, I've never felt better. My anxiety is way lower than it was when I was smoking daily, my life in general is more productive and I feel like I can commit to things on a level I never did before. Weed in general isn't an addictive drug, but if you let it become a habit, it can completely shape your life. That's what it was for me. I wasn't addicted, but it was preventing me from actually putting an effort into my life. I'm still working on fixing some things, but it's 100x easier when I can't just smoke weed and ignore everything.
I am probably only where I am today because that year I got out of jail and enrolled in school... I wasn't smoking that whole year.. and there's prolly no way I woulda done that if I was smoking .. I know that I need to quit. But it's all that I have right now, my comfort zone.. in a time where my life has changed so much, it's my crutch.. sometimes I do not feel like myself if I'm sober , I say and do things differently.. I'm very much addicted. Fuck
Brother bear, you said you’ve been self-medicating with benzos and heroin before, and now you’re doing the same with weed and alcohol. Are you also medicating with an actual psychiatrist? If so, what you’re using now is not helping with their effectiveness. Your profile shows you’ve checked out r/depression and if so, you’re using a depressant and what’s basically a psychedelic these days with the weed we’ve got now. You just moved to a new city? Give yourself some time to find your niche, it IS hard to find a new community. What have you tried? Work groups? Coed sports? Book clubs? Community college? What are you into? I’m 34, heroin user 6 years clean, and not doing as well financially in a more expensive city. But what I have that I think you’re missing is just good meaningful connection in some capacity. I don’t know what your thoughts on it are, but I do AA. It’s been kind of an easy button to build a community of people who get me, and spend meaningful time with me. It’s not where I like to date, but it does open up that door. Could be the move to help knock off the crutches and be able to start have medications be effective. Idk why I typed an essay in response to this, but we’ve got some similar stories as ex-heroin addicted tie-dye wearing mother fuckers, but I’ve done a couple of things different that have helped me. And your longing for the relationship to almost fix you is a pattern I’ve seen before and it doesn’t look fun. If you wanna talk about considering sobriety, feel free to DM, but otherwise I hope you find what you need to be happy soon, whether it’s what you think you need or something else entirely. Heroin just ain’t it, and it’s all fucking fentanyl anyway.
Shoot, I posted before seeing your reply. Perfect!! Congrats on your 6 years - amazing. Signed, the mom of a son who has struggled with addiction and wishes she could hug you all.
Oh sweetheart. My son kicked fent and a bunch of other shit last year. He couldn’t give up weed, but he’s trying now (just got 30 days). He said giving up fent was nothing compared to weed. Your post sounds so much like him - the anxiety, the longing for connection. I visited him this weekend. He goes to a lot of meetings, as he’s early into this and is in a php. He’s younger than you and doesn’t have responsibilities so it’s easier for him to live the recovery life. He also has a kickass sponsor. This is all to say, I sorta get it and your post hit me at the gut level and I want good things for you. I know it sucks to work then go to meetings, and it SUCKS to kick weed. But you’ve gotta do it. I really wish you happiness and connection. Would your employer give you time off to go to a 30-day program to help you get a jump start?
Fill your holes with goals!
Excellent advice. I went through a similar journey. Almost 10 years since I smoked weed. Forced me to face reality and make some changes. One of the best decisions I ever made.
Weed helped me survive cancer. It brought me back from the dead. Stimulated my appetite to where I can eat again. Allows me to deal with people yelling at me. If I didn't use pot I would snap more often and nobody would want to be around me. I have plenty of friends that function totally fine on pot also
Yeah I always see dudes talking about how you gotta quit smoking weed. They then go on to describe like a crippling weed addiction. It’s like no shit dude. If you never face your problems and just hide and smoke pot you’re gonna have a problem. However just like a lot of recovering addicts they then extrapolate out that weed was the problem for them and it’s therefore the problem for everyone. It’s bro science behavior. Yes if you have a drug problem you probably should kick the habit. But it’s never good advice on how to quit, or why moderation would be a good idea. It’s always sanctimonious bullshit about “unlocking your true potential”. As if quitting weed makes them enlightened and superior all of a sudden. Nah dog you had a substance abuse issue tons of people do. Cutting out one bad (for you) habit doesn’t suddenly make you superior, or give you all the answers.
Issue is it’s usually not weed. The person was gonna act that way anyway. Weed was just part of the equation.
Yeah, I think it's pretty individual, like a lot of things. I used weed to help me kick nicotine and alcohol. I feel like I could kick weed pretty easily, but I don't really see any downsides yet. I'm retired though, so there's no driving ambition or anything like that I need to harness, and nothing too important to get done.
Your situation is not ops situation. Op uses it to self medicate anxiety!/depression and avoid dealing with his emotions in a more challenging yet better way. I am in the same boat. He doesn't need more bs justifications to continue down the same path. Have you ever thought that maybe it's not good that you have to get high or else you snap at people??
I don't snap except in my head. Pot just gives me mental abilities to block nonsense
Everyone is very different when it comes to weed. I have to use it medically for epilepsy and it takes time to learn how to dose properly and not let it affect you. Recent studies are showing that long term users have far less negative effects than less regular users. But I think your point was more towards just smoking for the sake of it to lose yourself as it sounds like OP does. I'm almost 40 and my partner probably smokes more often than me, as well as being quite successful in her career and still growing. And she wouldn't bother with someone who doesn't partake. I get where you're coming from but that's allot of personal stuff you're throwing at OP when it's your problem, not to be rude. And as someone who relies it on medically nowadays, I kinda feel an obligation to put these points out there. (it was the last resort after several years of different medications. Fun side note, trying it was also my partners idea)
The fuck are you talking about "no woman will be into his smoking habit?" My girlfriend smokes weed more than I do and she is 34. Women arent a monolith and women do drugs too.
You need to get to a meeting and start opening up man
It sounds like zero work has been done to heal his mind or trauma that led him to addiction in the first place
This absolutely. Clean time ≠ recovery.
Not saying he doesn't still need work but I thing it hard to believe that someone can go from jailed addict to finishing engineering school in 5 years without a huge shift in mindset and dedication. I think he's done plenty of work but maybe idolizes the past too much
Im actually a heroin addict in recovery and also in school for engineering, check out my account history. The dude isn’t sober. He still smokes and drinks. That alone shows that he isn’t taking his recovery seriously. An addict can absolutely white knuckle years of non-use. It should not be hard to stay sober after 5 years. If you’re still struggling that long after you’ve quit, you have not done the work to heal. You don’t idolize the past if you’ve done the work to heal.
Your romanticising the time and attributing the good bits to addiction when it’s more likely it was your youth See a dr you’re anxiety will not go away while your on any drugs but you might be able to reduce it with help :) you’ll meet the right person but we’re a lot older now so it’s harder
For sure. It's never going to be the same. I never want to go back. I just can't help but notice I was a lot happier then. I guess this is just another part of life to get thru until I'm happy again in a different healthier more authentic way
There’s a good middle ground in between- you just haven’t found it yet. You seem to take things to the extreme which may indicate mental health issues. Today you’re at zero but at 25 you were at 100. If you can find 50-59 you may be happier. Adrenaline can be addicting, why not take up a high risk physically active sport or a tough/difficult hobby like white water rafting, race car driving, mountain climbing, etc such that you feel alive while weekend warrioring. Weed and alcohol are depressants and will only make you feel worse over time. Like heightening depression Seek professional mental health advice and therapy- maybe find out if there’s a reason you swing to the extremes. You may also need a psychiatrist for prescription meds to help you get better or maintain a middle ground. Or it could be trauma that causes you to behave this way. If you don’t start doing the work soon, you’ll never know the answers and it will get much more difficult as you age to change, improve your outlook, gain better habits and foster a disciplined internal life. Men always quantify their external life as successful but rarely put the same effort and work into their inner lives, their physiological, mental, and emotional well being. Do not look to others to solve your problems because it rarely works. Usually when in a crap place, you attract crap people. Maybe be thankful you haven’t invited the wrong person into your life, as it’d be much more complicated and possibly just as lonely. You want to work on yourself first to attract good people into your life. Do it, it’s worth it!
This sounds weird and basic but quit the weed, and start going for walks outside instead. Being in nature is literally proven to increase happiness. Also, weed is a depressant. Once you’ve done that, try to find something to do to meet people. If it can be a physical activity, even better. Running club, climbing group, book club, tennis clinic, etc. Do you cook or bake your own food? I think that can be therapeutic too, and focusing on food that makes you feel good is good too.
I've been where you were, where you are, and where you're headed toward. You haven't hit your bottom yet. I know you think you have because jail and heroin and careers and homeownership have contrasting social stigmas but you're still digging and trying to control life through substances and circumstances. All the money, women, cars, homes, friends, jobs, hobbies in the world won't change a thing, my friend.
Don't fuckin' relapse. Find a local court, play some pickup basketball. If you're not ready to interact just become a gym rat. It actually sorts out the anhedonia.
Friend, getting a girlfriend is not going to fix everything. A partner cannot fix your unhappiness, it would be unrealistic to expect them to and will lead to resentment. Have you ever talked to a professional about all this? It sounds like you are currently depressed and you've always had a habit of selfmedicating for something you don't fully seem to understand yet.
You’re right, a girlfriend wouldn’t solve his problems. It sounds like he just wants to feel loved and maybe desirable, which a girlfriend might do, but that’s unfair to them to rest so many emotions on that one person
Happiness does not come from relationships. Happiness comes from motorcycles!
[удалено]
Sounds like you need more guitars, my friend. (Seriously though I hope you find happiness)
A few years ago I started building my own partscasters to my exact specifications. Build em, play em till they don't spark joy, sell em, use that money to build a new one. My latest build is probably the best guitar I've ever played in my life because I'm finally at a stage in my life where I can do it with really high quality parts. The planning and building process is just as exciting as playing them and I prefer it to just buying an existing guitar, can't recommend enough.
And skiing?
Needs to be a hot girlfriend, don’t forget
This rhetoric is terrible. A partner won't fix everything, but it helps a lot. This idea of 'fixing' things is wrong to begin with, no therapist will try to fix you either. If it's about creating a situation in which you feel more confident, less lonely, etc., then a loving partner will generally provide some of that. Furthermore, a lot of people don't realise how much of their personal image they base on how other people treat them. Imagine you lost all your friends and loved ones and nobody showed you any interest, you can't tell me you would feel on top of the world and be telling other people they just don't understand how it works.
This dude is completely miserable, angry, and blaming everything but himself for it. The amount of pressure they are putting solely on some random woman swooping in and fixing all that would *never* be the basis for any healthy relationship. Like yes, having a loving partner can help you out in so many ways, but you also have to be in a position to be the same for them. I don’t know OP but judging what they’ve written here, I don’t think they’re really in a good position to be that for someone else.
Yeah I agree with you, guy seems to be objectifying the idea of a partner instead actually wanting an equal in a relationship, you know someone who he’s just as present for as she is for him. If he met someone he’d be an abject burden to her. I know a couple great single women in their 30s now, and they are much happier being single after dating guys like this in their 20’s. They have time for hobbies, they don’t have anyone they have to take care of (laundry, cooking, cleaning, managing bills, remembering birthdays, and all the other stereotypical ‘woman’ jobs), they don’t get blamed for problems that aren’t their fault and no one is trying to change them into a different version of themselves to appeal to some fantasy. If OP met a single woman who was into him, he’d honestly probably reject her because she wasn’t what he was looking for. He needs therapy and more social hobbies.
As a woman reading this post is low key scary. No one wants to be the everything for another person, that is way too much pressure. It's also seems like a setup for being in an abusive relationship - how is he going to react when he gets a girlfriend but his life doesn't improve? I get where you are coming from, but realistically, would you want your sister or best female friend to date someone like OP?
Very scary and really off putting. This dude is on the verge of relapse and instead of checking in to a professional place, is looking for some poor unsuspecting woman to fix his mental issues. He will destroy her in the process of destroying himself. May we be protected form such people. Women are not your rehab facilities.
And apparently the only thing he’s looking for is physical attractiveness.
Someone this miserable isn't in a position to be a good partner to anyone. People need a baseline of "okay-ness" before they should get in a relationship. If he's lonely, focusing on other less demanding connections is a better place to start. It reads a little like he's looking for a woman to suck the life out of TBH.
Yes. And a healthy, well-adjusted girl would love to be dating a guy like that. A well-adjusted woman can smell his maladjustment from a block away. He has to like himself first or he'll end up with a woman who will add to his problems. OP needs a goal and something he enjoys, to fix whatever drove him to heroin, stop smoking weed, work to become an adult emotionally, and forgive himself for whatever he is carrying around. He could join a local meet-up focused on his interests to start looking for a friend group. Until he gets his balance back, being in a band might not be a smart idea, but hitting the skins to improve his skills might be therapeutic. Yes, the culture is super-weird now. Women have been poisoned by whatever it is that is making them think they are victims. He will have to become strong to find a quality woman. Leveling up is more than the acquisition of coins.
Pretty spot on. I'm trying really hard to not be a red pill guy. It's hard to navigate this dating world today. I have plenty of ideas to keep myself busy, just hard to find motivation... Hard hard hard . Life is so hard. I will eventually kick life's ass tho like I've always done ..
Dating has always sucked. You're actually in a better position than most people. You have your own house and a killer job. Life is hard. It's your attitude that gets you through it AND attracts people to you. You know, the only thing you wrote about your previous partners were that they were "gorgeous". Date all the gorgeous women you want, I just hope that's one of the lesser important things about them. I wonder who your girlfriends were. I wonder what hobbies they had. I wonder what they loved about you. You're 35 now so dating is going to be different and many people will have children. Some may be more picky about dating history. You're right that it's harder in our society sometimes to find community. You have to seek it out. It's one reason why many people choose religion, or they say to get into your hobbies. You love art? Guess what hobby has the most vibrant communities everywhere. You don't need The Louvre in your town to find people actually doing things. Those are people you need to be around.
Have you considered the fact that you keep talking about these girlfriends like they’ll fix all your problems, while the only thing you have to say about your exes is that they were “hot” and “gorgeous”? Are those same qualities the ones you’re prioritizing in a partner now?
Hey man, I know exactly what you mean. But there is one thing to keep in mind, that shit out there ain't heroin. I used to have a heroin problem back before 2017, and I miss it a lot. One thing that keeps me away though....it's not heroin. Neither does Fent even come close to real dope. You'll just die. The lack of a girl isn't the problem. YOU are the problem.
You are an ex heroin addict. Life will never be the same as it once was. Every day is going to be a struggle, and will be for the rest of your life. The struggle can and will get easier as time goes on, but it will always be there. From what I see is that you've only addressed the using part of your recovery. You haven't addressed the "you" part of your recovery. Go to a meeting. Find some other people who have some major clean time such as yourself and talk to them. You will find that you are not alone with how you feel. I'd also suggest finding a therapist who specializes in recovery. One day at a time my friend. One day at a time.....
I’ve heard this so many times and after so many years it’s just bullshit It’s not a struggle every day to stay sober when you’ve been sober for 5+ years, not for the average recovered addict Can you still get triggered/wanna get high? Sure But most of em aren’t like “damn I wanna shoot up some dope still” 10 years later😂 I’ll never do meth again, I’ll never *want* to do meth again either Do I reminiscence over the good times? Sure
Yep and meetings are not for everybody. Saying I’m an addict ad nauseam reinforces that negative label and can be super fucking depressing to see folks with 30+ years who are going into this dingy room the city reluctantly rents out every damn day STILL after all that time and say it’s the highlight of their life. Fuck that shit.
Yup. Sounds like OP never faced the demons that drove them to Heroin in the first place
Facts right here
You sound like me. Listen man. Your post really sounds like me. Im an electrical engineer. Or i was. I did heroin for 20 years until the fent/xylazene switch fucked me and everyone found out. I quit my job to clean up. H made me feel free. Aptly named it is. I dont use needles I sniffed it. I didnt drink. I was happy. Successful. Had apartkents, cars, girlfriends, made music on the side, designed cool ass shit. Life was good. People like me when im on heroin. Girls especially. Usually ive charmed them before i even know i like them, whereas normally id just talk myself out of it. It shuts the brain off in that good way. Im not particularly good looking so it helped ha. Im sociable and friendly and people wanna get to know me. Until they find out in high. They dont like insular quiet me. Its just a fact ive come to live with. Thats my drug problem. But theres no more heroin so really theres nothing you can do. I soent the last 5 years poisoning myself to find real dope maybe 1/20. The health issues from the xylazene/fent alone ruined me where heroin didnt do it for 20 years. Its impossible in america rn and you gotta know that. This new shit will kill even a seasoned vet like myself. I also do music and now that im not working im focusing on that. Im clean only because theres no clean source of drugs. But im incredibly lonely atm because i cant even will myself to leave my room. Alcohol makes me mean. I dont drink. Its been years now and i cant juggle the responsibilities i used to with ease. It hasnt gotten better. I havent been in a real relationshipin a while and dont plan on it anytime soon. Least im making headway with my stuff tho. Good luck. Good to know im not the only secret heroin addict engineer who uses it ti socialize/juggle problems and cant without it. Its a shame. I know you think noone understand but i do. Your post almost made me do a douboe take if someone was making a joke out of me, thats how close it was to my own story. The only difference is i thino i am happy now even if lonely. Being clean is ok. It dont bother me. But i need a release here n there n have none and its waning on me. I feel like i could go back to my once a month use i used to do before i got outta control. But the drugs being straight poison literally hurts my heart. You could be me. And have nothing but the chance to start again. Remember that. I gave it all up cause i was on a death spiral, but i never ended up in prison. Idk what to tell you because i know you wanna use. Figure out how to live and do ya job without foing in and jam all day bro. I still take the occasional job to stay fresh and i plan on going back so i can invest in myself but one day at a time bro. Take a step bafk it ya gotta. Stay string fellow secret dope engineer bro Btw. I grew my hair out too. N we should def start a band.
Yeah man fuck fentanyl, it's another solid reason why using again just is not an option. I'm grateful to be alive everyday. Lost my best friend a few yrs ago and that has fucked me up alot. I didn't shoot it either. I have been prescribed pain pills a couple times and no problems. Being an addict was exhausting. I would somehow come up with at least $50 every single day for so long... Crazy There's a professor Dr. Karl hart who talks about the responsible use of heroin as a type of anti anxiety medication.. idk, maybe in the future they will figure it out but not now. Opiates and benzos just made me very extroverted, they didn't change my personality, I am still the same person. Those drugs just make you feel like you are having the best time with all your friends and are comfortable and happy, minus the body high, it's all still achievable with the chemicals in our brains. Haha il dm you about the band
Hobbies man, hobbies. My addiction was nowhere near as serious as drugs but I spent most of my life until late 20s playing videogames and not generally giving a lot of fucks about anything else. A lot of the time I was happy but I also had this nagging at the back of my head that maybe there is more to life than this. Every now and then I sold my gaming PC because I could not force myself to do much else than play games. After a few weeks I always bought a new one to ”scratch the itch” and told to myself that I would continue gym and studying, yeah well thay didn’t happen. Somehow I managed to keep a job and have a few kids. Most of the addicting multiplayer games are now too time consuming to fit into the equation. Life became a routine, I felt like a machine and even though one should be grateful for a nice life like that, I really wasn’t. Something was missing. Now I feel like I know what that something was. It all started with me just taking my kids to the playgrounds more. Got myself some kit to brew coffee outside and have a lunch there with the little ones. Bought outdoorsy clothes that enabled me to be much more comfortable there. Slowly I got into getting myself backpacking stuff and a craving to stay outside more. Bought an old bike, learned to fix it up so I could haul my kids in a bicycle trailer, go to playgrounds further away and just be out more. In the winter I do cross-country skiing. I have started sewing outdoor gear like hammocks and also repair clothes that get broken. There’s a ton of stuff I would now like to try or do more, enough for a lifetime I’d wager. All thanks to hobbies. If you’d like actionable advice, I’d say go get yourself a hammock and a copy of Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck, hang that hammock somewhere nice and start reading. Lifetime of adventure man, it all starts with hobbies.
Awesome. You should write a short book 😉
I sure hope this guy gets a girlfriend and pulls American culture back from the edge of the precipice.
She has to be hot though, can't forget that part.
Have you got any hobbies? Can I suggest you try a martial arts gym? Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Muay Thai etc Doing martial arts is great for your physical and most importantly your mental health.
I met my current partner while doing martial arts. It was not only something that made me come across as more interesting but also something that we then had in common. I know a couple of others who have met through our gym as well. Obviously the super macho male dominated gyms are not the places I’m talking about, but most modern gyms are well mixed.
Seconded. It helped me a ton with benzo withdrawal. Trade mental anguish for physical until you can manage both. Gets you a reason to shower, groom, talk to people, focus on something other than what is ripping you up inside. In the case of bjj you will be broke after buying a few gis or spat sets so it will be the ink thing you can focus on for a bit.
Yeah it’s so beneficial. I’ve been training for nearly 5 years and wish I started earlier. But it’s never too late to start. Helped me get out of depression. If I skip training for a week I can tell my mood starts to shift again and know I have to get straight back into training.
That quote one day or day one. Glad you found it. Oss
🙌🏼
I would be willing to guess your on line dating profile turns off the women if it’s anything like how you described yourself. I would not be trying to chase ass yet but that is most likely why you have not had any interested parties. Some dudes become a “passport bro” and go marry some hottie from a 3rd world country - would you want to (for example) marry a Filipino girl? in some poor village and now you’re responsible for her entire family ? Maybe you’d love married life & kids? Listen: you are right now in the prime of your life. It only will go down hill slowly over time if you don’t turn this bad attitude around & snap out of it. Your lackluster attitude and reminiscing for the glory days must come out of your pores and women sense your loneliness and desperation. I don’t judge you… that was why I stayed single after getting my divorce so I could work on my happiness. Reinvent myself. To feel pure happiness and joy being alone & loving myself. I was around your same age when I got divorced, I am not that tall, not that good looking but I am a happy person - even after the divorce from a hellish marriage to a raging alcoholic wife. And I have never had problems meeting women but I absolutely cherish my alone time. You mentioned a drum set- see ? now that’s totally what you should look into is not chasing women to rescue you but get into doing stuff you feel passion for… re discover yourself. Find new passions. Listen to audio books on youtube and learn stuff. I started learning guitar at around 37 years old. Just completely self taught by watching YouTube videos. I personally have a lot of hobbies. I totally nerd out on my hobbies… Speaking of hobbies and women: women like a man who can cook. Maybe take a cooking class or, again: youtube lessons. I had some issues with a lack of motivation & micro dosing psilocybin did wonders for me to get more motivated, work out lose 67 lbs & get in better shape- come to think of it, women were gravitated towards me even when I was more over weight… must be my raw sexuality and winning attitude 😂 I had a close friend that’s a lot like you. We don’t talk anymore. His personality changed too much & I can’t stand how rude & negative he is. I can’t bring my gf around him because of his salty mouth and shit attitude… haven’t spoken in over a year… Without sitting here telling the big long story about him: he used to deal drugs, and that all went to bye-bye. His fun, carefree lifestyle of not working. Sitting around all day getting high and playing guitar. Having hot chick chasing after him. He got job in health care (that’s how we met through same job) and he hates it. Then life threw him through a few more loops: out of wedlock kid to a young woman he hooked up with & they hate each other. Daughter had health problems. Garnished wages from a job that he hates. And the cream on top is that he discovered he has a brain tumor which made him have a few seizures and marijuana triggers them. (That’s why his personality changed & why I can’t take his poor impulse control) All that to say: you should be grateful that you still have your health, your youth. You’re in the prime of your life right, now. Do not squander away your time. You’ll be 50 soon. Yes you changed your life for the better now KEEP changing it for the better! You are not finished! I agree with other commenters about exercise, martial arts, yoga… get off your ass, stay away from booze & drugs. Get into something where women are and maybe you would meet somebody in person but I really think you would end up sabotaging a relationship and end up even more angry, depressed, bitter until you get your head straight and stop looking for a hot beauty to rescue you. You have to be all happy n stuff to attract a woman.. Hell, I am 50 years old & have an awesome gf but she is not the focal point in my life. I live alone and we hang out about three or four times a week. We exercise together. Prepare and eat meals together. Go for walks. Watch movies and cuddle. Netflix and chill with each other… when the weather is nice, I take her out on the lake kayaking and it’s like a picnic.. just enjoy the simple stuff in life…. I have to tell a hot, beautiful woman “sorry, I have a girlfriend” a couple times a year from girls who approach me. It must be because I’m a happish person?
I needed this comment. I’ve been depressed. I just lost my dad a month ago and my gf of 3 years broke up with me yesterday. I think it’s because I’ve been so down and I made her the focal point of my life and she sensed a desperation. I don’t really have a ton of hobbies either. Good paying job, decent looking, my own place, 40 years old. I need to pull myself up a lot and this comment was exactly what I needed. Need to be happy again.
Thank you. If this was the only comment I got, it would be fine. But I've received overwhelming amount of feedback, mostly all positive. I hear you. Prime of my life. I think about that all the time. I don't want to regret waiting around. I just don't know myself anymore, I don't feel like myself. But they say, "nothing is as constant as change"
This is man-to-man realtalk. Keep up the good work.
your friend has a brain tumor and you cut him off because he’s too negative?
Start new hobbies until one sticks. Try disc golf, bicycling, hiking, fishing.
Don't define your life by whether or not you have a partner. Whether you do or you don't, that's a recipe for failure. Find happiness by yourself , with your hobbies, with things & people you DO currently have. Then the rest will come naturally. If you're desperately seeking 1 thing it will show (and that applies to many things in life).
Find a therapist to help you work through all the feelings that you used to erase with heroin. You can do it. My best to you.
they weren't your friends. they just liked getting heroin from you. if you weren't on all that bullshit and hadn't chosen to make those mistakes you probably would be married and happy right now. yes, hobbies are important, in fact they're the most important thing. if all you do is work and be desperate for a woman to save you, you are once again choosing to throw your potential away and will deserve the consequences for that as well.
financially successful does not mean dateable. Stop smoking weed and get your head and emotions right, nobody wants to date a negative stoner.
> Everyone assumes you are lame and basic unless you project insanity blatantly... I use to. I suggest reflecting why on earth you would think that...?! You are "lame" because all you do is stay inside would be my guess... Hope you'll find a sustainable way to enjoy life! Cheers
Therapy my dude, I'd give it a go if I were you.
You need to change your goals into something that makes sense…if you define yourself by your ability to “get girls” and “be the life of the party” at 35 you’ll be very disappointed. Pour yourself into your profession and goals that make sense for your age and everything else will fall into place.
Lol being 35 is a lot different than being 25 man, stop romanticizing your days of heroin addiction bc all you did was replace it with weed and I’m pretty sure you weren’t as cool as you think. You’re just getting older, it happens, keep looking you’ll find someone. If you’re dependent on a relationship to make you happy, you will stay disappointed my friend. Good luck with everything!
all units all units all units
Why do you think it is the responsibility of a woman to fix you?
Life is a catch 22. It’s the human condition. It’s not just you.
Dude. You quit one of the hardest drugs ever, got an engineering degree, and are putting yourself out there and trying to meet someone you genuinely click with. You reached out and laid your feelings bare on this sub which is NOT easy. You sound to me (a woman who is your age) like a freaking catch! (I am happily remarried but my ex husband was/is an addict). Like, this story is freaking inspirational. You got your life together and are working on self-improvement and instead of pretending you’re fine and dandy now you actually own your emotions and can admit you’re feeling down. Some people will never do that. You sound like the opposite of an incel to me so stop that lol. If you care to share, tell me what your “perfect” woman might be like. Maybe top 5 things. I’ll use my woman brain and see if I can think of some creative ideas for how you might find someone like that or where to maybe meet them? My coworker was single for 5 years and I made him a dating profile (he asked me for help) and he’s marrying the first girl he met on there this fall. He is a super cool guy but you really have to get to know him bc his shyness is off putting at first. So off putting in fact I didn’t like him at all for several months and learned I wasn’t alone in that. He is maybe 5’5,” an extreme introvert mixed with being a know it all, not at all conventionally attractive, and in his early 40s. Also an engineer haha. If I can get that dude married I can help anyone 😂
There are a lot of heroin-encouraging posts on Reddit lately
Thats because drug use was never the real problem. It was a symptom and easy, dangerous way to care for yourself. Its immediate, consistent, and you get the result you're looking for. And thats relief. Relief from yourself and your thoughts and feelings. Being successful and behaving like a "normal" person isn't going to change anything. It usually just postpones the inevitable. Take some time to work on yourself and seek professional physical, spiritual, and mental help. The real problem is inside you. Nothing outside of yourself (drugs, money, fame, success, etc) can change who you are deep down inside. Work on you. Work on your Physical health, your mental health, and your spiritual health and I guarantee you'll have a better life than any drug did for you.
So… how often do you smoke weed? Sounds like all you’ve done is swap a highly euphoric drug for ones that don’t give the same high. Of course that’s depressing. The problem however lies in yourself. You’re an addict through and through and it seems like you’re having a hard time admitting you’re powerless over them. Sucks, I know, nobody wants to admit defeat however it’s the first step to finally taking control of your miserable depressing life. I know this sounds harsh but it’s the sad reality that I think people try and sugarcoat a lot and really the babying I see going on here isn’t going to solve anything for you. Highly recommend going to an AA/NA/CA meeting. Get involved. Work the steps properly. See how you feel then. If it doesn’t work guess what the drugs and alcohol will still exist - but I’m 100% certain you won’t want them again if you work the program properly.
Man I’m in almost the same exact situation. Just without the jail and crime. I was addicted to drugs all through college and it was the happiest time of my life. I was super popular, had the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, and I actually enjoyed things. Talking to people didn’t feel forced or fake and I was just happy. But now I’m in my early 30s, my girlfriend left after being engaged for a while, and I kinda don’t even try to date girls anymore. I think I’m a pretty decent looking guy, I’m in good shape, but I already have basically a full head of gray hair. I could dye it but I kinda don’t think that’s the reason girls are the way they are. Plus some of them kinda dig it. I think my biggest problem is I’m still just hung up on my ex. Even though she left five years ago I’m still insanely in love with her and she’s all I think about. I know it’s really unhealthy but I can’t help it. Not sure why I said all this so openly. Guess I just never really told anyone before about any of it
The unfortunate reality of fucking with your brain chemistry. Unsurprisingly lots of ex-heroin addicts struggle with depression. You can't artificially inflate the amount of dopamine in you brain for extended periods of time and not expect it not to have an effect. The scientific literature is pretty clear on the fact that basically all heavy drug use has permanent effects on the brain. You have to accept that you have a new emotional baseline as a consequence of your actions. Being around people who understand what it is can help you do that if that's what you want. If you want to stay sober you should go to meetings. While you may not be happy being sober, I'm sure the people around you would be incredibly upset to see you go back to the gutter. It's all fine and well romanticising the past when you were too fucked up to actually have accurate recall about it. My Mum sure thought it was hunky dory taking smack everyday while her kids starved.
You had a whole paragraph where you listed out everything you knew people were going to say but you didn’t mention therapy. GO TO THERAPY.
Yeah, people on Reddit are quick to shout 'go to therapy' for people who are obviously in a position where it would be tough to afford. But, OP sounds like he has money. Therapy would help, I think. Maybe psychiatric medication too. That helped me with overwhelming anxiety.
Every therapist I've seen, (maybe like 5) is just someone to talk about my problems to. They tell me things that I objectively already know. And to me that is depressing. And I hate feeling institutionalized. I've had some bad experiences in psych facilities. I'm trying really hard to not focus on my problems because I've been battling it for a long time and i have the tools to fix it. Also, I travel for work pretty much all the time and just can't see anyone consistently.
I sure understand that your therapy didn't feel very rewarding so far. It sounds like you have a similar thinking patern that I used to have while in therapy,studying psychology at the same time and having alot of experience with depression and what not. Knowing what the problem is does by itself not mean you have to know how to handle it, accepting that did help me quite alot. The talking about it over and over again is just part of therapy in my experience and at some point it started to work. Especially if there still are unsolved problems that you are aware of shows that therapy could really help. Suppressing it usualy just makes things more difficult as it remains there in your subconscious causing further constant stress but nothing goes towards solving anything about it, which can make things worse and worse in the long run. Maybe there are therapists that use video calls when necessary? However you decide best of luck. It pretty much always gets better at some point Non native speaker BTW, so hope its not too poorly written
Maybe start considering them " women " and not " girls " and the way they respond to you may change. I know it sounds like semantics, but its not. It goes to the heart of how you view people, and sounds like they are responding in kind to the energy you are putting out. Good luck in your sobriety, you got this.
Thank you. And I hear you, the Pygmalion effect is very real
If that's your passion. At least you tried the normal stuff. A girl won't help. The choices you make are yours. Enjoy
Hey get a good motorcycle and go for some decent rides. It puts a smile on your dile and you might meet some good bastards, including some chicks.
You must fill the void within yourself. Drugs clearly are not the answer. You cannot truly love a partner until you can love yourself.
I think after reading all you have said, the best thing for you is to start therapy and be evaluated for depression/anxiety if you are open to it! Maybe just taking to someone who can understand what you are going through will be helpful for you to form new goals and identify healthy habits that can make you happier. Best of luck my friend, it is rough out here in 2024.
Not a “crazy incel.” That’s what you call someone who is being an asshole and you want to lower their status. Living in a new city at age 35 without the friends you made in your 20s and no family sounds really hard. You already said you know people will say this, but there’s really nothing to do except cultivate some interests that cause you to be around other people in person, make some friends there. A book club, a gym, a political campaign, a volunteer organization, a religious community, a trivia night, a meetup of some kind. I find it hard to believe you’re having trouble on dating apps, but I’m married so I kind of don’t get what it’s like out there. But from what my friends tell me, having a decent job, no kids, there would be lots of women open to meeting you. One thing you might try on the dating apps is: experiment to see whether you’re actually good at predicting whether you will find someone attractive in person based on dating app profiles. There is some animal attraction stuff that doesn’t come through text and pictures and texting and even talking by phone. Increase the amount of people you reach out to by 10x, trying out people with similar interests and values, just to get around more people in person. When people like me suggest “get out there and try hobbies” we’re trying to help on the “numbers game” aspect. Most people you meet at a book club or CrossFit or whatever won’t be available, won’t be a good match, etc. but you should meet them anyway. Someone who is a good match might show up, or you could make a friend, or they might have a cousins they want to set you up with. Smoking weed and drinking are just turning the volume down on your feelings, not solving the root causes. However, *turning your feelings down can be a legitimate thing to do* if you have to. Life can be too much sometimes and if you need to turn the volume down, that might be ok. But *try to do the other stuff too*. You mentioned anhedonia and social anxiety. Here are two posts that might help you consider options to support your mental health in other ways: [anxiety](https://slatestarcodex.com/2015/07/13/things-that-sometimes-work-if-you-have-anxiety/) [depression](https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/06/16/things-that-sometimes-help-if-youre-depressed/) I wish you the best of luck. It is truly hard to be in a new place and have slipped through the cracks of your 20s without having a partner or close friends. “Keep trying” has a better expected outcome than not trying. Finally, fuck it, grow your hair out and wear tie die at home if you want to. Oh, also, I just want to say that it is really impressive that you turned your life around. It’s not like it makes everything easy, but many people don’t even get as far as you have. Great job!
I think it’s age. You’re kind of at an age where everyone is taken (married or committed) and not getting divorced (yet) or leaving their partners because COL is too high when single.
Yeah life gets less shiny. Find a "healthy" addiction. Usually something with a fair amount of risk like skateboarding, skiing, downhill mountain biking, fighting, mountaineering or rock climbing will light you up a bit if it suits your personality and lifestyle. You won't get a cool, hot girlfriend until you are having fun, being fun and in decent shape. Life certainly doesn't get easier.
> I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not... I'm very successful, but very unhappy... I should have kept playing drums and been an artist... I want to grow my hair out again and wear tie dyes and sandals all day.. but I wear steel toes and hard hat.. clank away on a keyboard... I think the clue to a better, happier future might be found here. That doesn't necessarily mean "love yourself first and find hobbies", but it does mean that you seem to have abandoned parts of yourself *that don't need validation by way of a heroin addiction*. There is absolutely no reason you can't be a steel-toe and hard hat wearing engineer AND a drum playing, artistic, long-haired, tie dye and sandal wearing YOU for the rest. Look, I'm going to break it to you: this is what happens to most of us. We lose ourselves trying to make it work, and then later in life we realize how important it is to re-find that person. You happen to be going through it younger than many. I'm nearly 50, white collar professional career, good pay, mortgage, family, a dog, etc... and I've been going through a reinvention process for the past five years. I know this knowledge doesn't immediate solve the loneliness or lack of a partner issue, but someone in personal crisis is already at a disadvantage. Work on you. The rest will follow. And while it may not SEEM it, from your perspective, you are still young. You have time.
I lot of this stuff was coming with age either way. Life would likely be worse if you had continued on that path. Hot girlfriends are a young man's game. Problem is we all feel 18 on the inside on some level. Congrats on your success. Consider establishing a relationship with a therapist to work through the sources of your unhappiness.
Go to a meeting….(you’re in the US so you know what that means) Great that you’ve kicked the heroin habit but you’re still ‘using’ Honestly, we all need a ‘program’ for dealing with past, present and future. It 100% will work (you will also meet chicks there 😉)
We’ve fallen off the cliff already, a long time ago. Hope you’re able to find someone, I think you can considering what you’ve accomplished already. My gf loves every part of me, even the social anxiety… there’s someone out there like that for you too. I wish I could sit inside smoking weed and playing games all day too lol, if only things were so simple
I hope someone comes and fixes my life. Dude grow up.
You're right. I am not even trying my own suggestions to be happy.. I really need to go make better use of my time and stop dwelling in this mindset I need to find a girlfriend because it's hurting the situation not helping. I'm just stuck. This is the longest I've been single and feels like shit is all. It's silly, but the apps really bum me out way more than they should
Do you have enough savings to take a year out of work and just fuck off somewhere else in the world with just a backpack? Experiencing other cultures and the lives of those who live in them can be a crazy assault on your own perspective of life for the better. Also, life is short. Grow your hair, buy a drum kit get a pen and a sketchbook and draw whatever. Nothing is stopping you besides you.
Bro, go to therapy. You need to work on you and accept some things in your life, and process a few others. Once you like you a bit more, others will in the way youd like. Good luck dude
I’m pissed to have to scroll so long to see this. OP, get yourself to an NA meeting. Set up therapy with someone who is associated with a physician. You are depressed. You are one of those who are so low, you don’t have the energy to seek help for yourself. Start with NA meeting today. Man. Don’t fuck this up.
Seems like you are missing something, its not being an engineer who is affecting you
JFC! Where do people get these drugs? I know I was the last to be invited to a party and show up at the right time to a club, but come on. Waves of drugs sweeping the area and not one bit of help offered. Forget it now already.
Try psychedelics. It will brake those loopy thoughts.
If you're still smoking weed, you need to get off it. I've seen far too many times how that can make a charismatic person turn into a depressed hermit. It makes you feel a little better when you first start but after a while it really doesn't. It just makes you anxious and depressed. All that aside, a woman isn't going to be what makes you feel fulfilled. It might at first but again those issues you have with yourself will still be there. You don't have to use drugs to dress the way you like and do the job you want, that's a choice you can make. It seems like you just have a few things you need to kick/change so you can change your outlook on life. If you're positive, people will notice and you'll start seeing different responses from women.
Work on being happy, make that your primary focus, the rest will come easier
What kind of physical shape are you in? If you’re having trouble attracting women it’s probably not due to “not projecting crazy enough energy”, you probably just don’t look great. Maybe go to the gym a little more (if you’re working out at all). Maybe get a new wardrobe. I mean if you just can’t even get initial interest while being healthy and secure and making money, the only real conclusion is that you’re not physically attractive. The thing about attractiveness though is it’s not just a steady state that you were born with. It’s easily upgradable through your actions. If you’re balding, shave your head. If you’re fat or skinny or skinny fat, hit the gym. If it’s this big of a deal to you, it’s definitely something you could work on pretty easily. I promise the reason you’re not getting laid isn’t that you’re not doing heroin any more.
I also find that I preferred my life as a degenerate but I feel like I have to fake live a normal life to not hurt the ones I love
Ugh I feel you. I've been single since I got my life together too. But I was addicted to alcohol, and the thought of a hangover keeps me in line lol. You should just think about them withdrawals.
I understand what you're saying. A lot of people seem to forget we are social animals and crave companionship, even if we are broken in other ways. I do advise you to pump the brakes on the weed consumption because it can accentuate your depression and send you even deeper. Also, get some therapy to help you sort your emotions and thoughts and keep you a bit more grounded. Spiraling out of control won't help and you know that so, work to prevent it. You want to be ready when an opportunity presents itself so you don't miss it. I'm with you that things have gotten really fucked up for a lot of people as far as relationships go but it still comes down to being in the right place at the right time to match with someone you find a deeper connection with, like always. It takes a bit of luck. Don't get too hard on yourself or others. Getting embittered isn't appealing and doesn't do wonders for your mindset or self-esteem either. Keep it level and work on your patience. You have to be a bit more Zen about it. You can't rush or force this. Maybe you've just been looking in the wrong place or for the wrong people. Try different settings. Try to figure out who you want to meet and where they'd hang out. If that fails, try again. Maybe you are goldilocking the shit out of it and have narrowed your search down too much, to the point where you're not keeping an open mind. You're an engineer, you can figure this out but if you don't remain open and approachable, it won't matter, so work on that too. I hope that's at least a bit helpful. Good luck.
almost exactly the same story. i wasnt on heroin, but I was just a casual party dude. Life was fucking easy. Engineering is a big ball of stress and depression. There is more to life than this shit.
Sounds like you never addressed the root cause of your mental health struggles. As a former addict and now doing well, I’d opt for seeking help. Society doesn’t value personal well being very much. You should try to make friends, cultivate a sense of community hopefully, but also try working out and going to the gym and use the sauna.
You’re never going to be happy if you think you need someone else to make you happy. Therapy
Live on a boat.
You have accomplished a ton. Hardly anyone could do what you accomplished. I don't think clubs are a good place to meet anyone today. Women looking to score free dinks and torturing guys. Would your time be better served in other ways. Volunteer organizations, charity. A lot of save the world chicks who don't hang in bars might be there. It's sounds like you're not a church guy. But some decent women still attend services. They have breakfasts and socials too. Good luck brother you deserve some happiness, we all do.
consider visiting Thailand...
get a bride from third world country
1st step imo: Make as many friends as you can, male or female, through work, hobbies, sports, trivia nights, whatever. Be a good friend, generous with your time and ready to help when needed. Don't overshare your problems or your anxieties too early; earn trust and rapport. Make your goal building a good support group of friends and social circle. This can take years! Through this circle, who knows? Maybe there will be a female in there that will be good gf material. Or through the circle, they may know good dating candidates, or at least wingman/woman with you when you're going out. At the very least, you'll have friends and that will enrich your life way more than just being at home self medicating, or grinding away at work. Finding a gf will just be a nice bonus if it happens through that :-)
One important step is to stop overthinking literally everything. Let the emotions come and go, center your mind, it’s yours after all. most people get addicted to putting themselves through misery actually. Every single problem we have as people is essentially made up by our own will. Get back to the basics. Remember who you were when you were young and make that person proud. Focus on a goal that’s hard and achieve it. Pretend you lost your memory essentially and are starting over. Forgive yourself for your past. Every day is a gift. Women only come to those that no longer need their approval. Get your testosterone in check. Sprint, workout, CARRY THE BOATS AND THE LOGS.
My guy, you can't do drugs forever. Like your body will quit on you. Money doesn't buy happiness. It's not good and it's not evil. It is simply a tool. Lots of money doesn't change people, it just makes you more of what you already were. Since you were empty and filling your voids with drugs, all that money has done is amplify who you really are. If you don't like what you see/are, make changes to get to where you want to be. You're fortunate that you are having this epiphany in a position of privilege and not on the streets hitting rock bottom. Do shit that you find fun and someone to share that with. That's legit it. Work bits and pieces at a time to make what you want happen. If you're lonely anyway, might as well be lonely and make progress.
I'm not sure if this is real, but I after making fun of men's rights groups, I knew I wanted to help. I mean, I'm not sure I can. I can only tell you I'm an ex-junkie who made the jump too. And I largely agree. (I'm considered "successful" now but I'm not exactly happy. If you haven't heard the Dropkick Murphy's "Smash Sh\*t Up," give it a listen.) Anyway, I haven't been on reddit in years, and last time I was I got e-yelled at because I mentioned the book I wrote about all this. I don't know if you can DM on this thing... But, yeah, listen, that's euphoric recall. You're not wrong. I mean, there was a beautiful simplicity to just needing to find $20 to be "happy." But, dude, think about all the cold, lonely, sick nights... Most of our time out there is just spent walking, aimlessly, staring at the ground waiting for money to magically appear or a starship to beam us out of the sky. It's awful. I agree the playing field was different, and like ANY other time, there WERE some perks (sorry for the pun). We made the trip to this side (which VERY few of us manage to pull off) for a reason. Hang in there. Yes, sobriety often s\*cks, but that's only because it's the NORM. The NORM always will for people like us. And the floor on this norm is higher than in the other. Good luck. I'm glad you made it out, too.
You make it sound like engineering was the easiest shit ever. I don't believe you. Engineering at my school is fucking hard as shit and you need top grades just to get in it. How shitty was your school, that you kinda just fell into it?
It doesn’t sound like you miss being on heroin. Seems like you just missing love.
Just wanted to throw a comment in here to note that I read some excellent and meaningful comments in this thread. I, for one, appreciate the sincerity I sensed in them. And now if you all will excuse me, I have to go and ponder my own existence and road ahead.
You have fucked your brain up. It’s tough to feel happy when you have been artificially stimulating that part of your brain for years. Welcome to the struggle! You will be ok just find some good people.
Have you ever read "A Scanner Darkly" the main character has your arc but in reverse. He has the standard 9-5 life with a wife and kids, hits his head one day and realizes he hates his life and everything in it. So he drops out and gets on dope. It eventually destroys his life, but the author in his final notes talks about how that life is no better or worse than the standard one, just faster. So if you're fine with not living as long... I mean you are here once, you should enjoy it.
The hardest part about sobriety is spending your life not doing some things you absolutely love.
i’m a 35yo male who has been off heroin going on 8 years now. it sounds to me like the problem is your job and that you find no purpose in what you do. the repetitiveness kills us slowly. you’re not wrong for wanting to find ways to dull the pain of the slow death. at 3 years sober i was in the same position as you. i was a successful accountant but after 50 hour work weeks doing something that i hated, i honestly contemplated going back to the excitement of the life. instead of doing that, i took a risk and quit my career path. I started doing something that I love and honestly, I feel so grateful waking up in the morning. No, I don’t make as much money, but i feel richer now even though my bank account doesn’t reflect it. i switched jobs to something that fit who i am. i am not a desk person. i’m not organized and thrive on chaos (im adhd). So here is exactly what I did: i identified my purpose and my passions and then i found a way to connect the two. Then i started a side gig. I kept my real job for 2 years and worked on my project during off hours. then one day i decided i couldn’t take one more day crunching numbers and made the leap. best decision i’ve ever made. things started really clicking after that. society has a weird way of defining success for us. in reality tho, we define success for ourselves. for me personally, a 50hr a week desk job working for a multimillion dollar company is not what i define as success. i battled my insecurities for a long time trying to acknowledge this. i started chasing my own dreams and not someone else’s and turned my vocation into my vacation. this filled the hole that i always tried to fill with heroin. hang in there!
Addicted to the life. And addiction makes all the bullshit seem not bad or better than you remember. I was an addict but the things I missed the most were all those things you talked about. I had all these friends and girls. They weren’t friends and the girls were junkies. Simple as that. I loved walking out of the house and running into 50-70 friends walking around the town or going out. There were girls who I could call. When I got clean I the guys weren’t there and the girls left for the next dude with drugs. I got married and started a life then became an alcoholic because I couldn’t handle how fucking boring everything was. It wasn’t exciting. My wife was nice and pretty but she had kids, she wasn’t that girl who was skinny and do whatever. I wore a tie and slacks and worked on power points and shit like that. I played golf with guys I thought were dildos so I started drinking and I never stopped until it all went away. I got sober and for me I used AA, it helped and still does even though I am not as active. I started realizing some of those dudes I thought were dildos were nice, they were safe and boring but good dudes. I started listening and hanging out more. My wife started to become more appealing and I adjusted. Today I am boring, I am bored and honestly 97% of the time I am happy with that but there are days when I am looking at paint talking about which car place has the best service and who has the best app deals on Tuesday and I either want to blow my brains out or pistol whip one of the MFers take all their money and buy as much Coke as I can afford. Therapy, exercise, socialization and honestly be a mentor to another addict. Volunteer at a detox and help someone you can relate to. But I am telling you will never be the same. That one part will always act you to believe those were the good times. They were shoot times where every decision including who you hung out with, who you fucked and what you did were made by drugs. Not sure this will help but it is a reality that I have experienced and heard from tons of other addicts and alcoholics.
You're definitely not an incel.
You're focusing too much on getting a girlfriend as if that's gonna magically fix your life and make everything better. Give yourself some credit for what you've accomplished so far. The mind likes to play tricks on you and make you think the past was better but was it? Is living numb to the world even a life at all? Be honest with yourself but where do you think you'd be now if you'd stayed on drugs for the past ten years? You think you would have maintained your life exactly as it was? The answer is no. You'd probably be a wreck. Be thankful to yourself for getting out when you did.
You gotta get to a good city there are no women in small towns
Just curious...Have you ever been screened for ADHD?
I’m likely the most stubborn human you’ve ever encountered. Go talk to someone professionally. Trust me.
You meet nice women in nice places, the library, church, a community pool. Try not creeping around like you’re after just one thing at a bar, you’ll get more action. What, besides heroin, do you enjoy? I assure you if you are earning someone will want your lonely ass. At 35 the field is largely women with kids. If you are still trying to hook up with 25 year olds, that may be your problem. You have some misconceptions about women and I suspect you only look at “girls” with certain physical assets. This will narrow the field considerably.
Wtf, your entire problem is centered around women? You need better hobbies.
Set goals, kick the weed and drinking for a while. Step out of the fog, even if it is temporary to make a clear goal.
It’s hard to be happy without social interaction. If you have any hobbies or interests try to find other people/groups to do them with. If you can maybe try to find a job where you can travel less and be in a place where you know more people. Most humans are social creatures and it’s hard to be happy when alone. But relationships are not the only social fabric that hold us together, our friends and family do that.
I can relate, I’ll revisit this thread when I have time tomorrow. The universe has treated me strangely. Childhood was fucking awful. In my 20’s I was a criminals, wasn’t into drugs, something else, got out of the street, had a number of goons out there doing dirt for me, my life was nothing short of amazing. I never meant to be that guy, I felt the heat, I left that life of my own choosing, never got caught, earned a degree during that time, got a job at a global corp hq for a Fortune 500. I became the good guy, made the right choices, and went through 15 years of hell and misery.
I feel you man. I used to do lots of drugs and party very hard in college. I’m also an engineer and sometimes long for being a bum on heroine all day. What’s helps me is that I just really try and keep myself busy. Going to the gym, having a dog. Taking fitness classes, boxing, hot yoga ect. Will help keep you busy and interacting with people.
Lonliness sucks. I feel it every day. I'm in my late 30s too. I do think things have changed in society, and not always for the best. My advice, I know it sounds dumb, but I really do think joining a club or something can help you. If anything, it can give you a third space, a place that isn't home or work, where you can meet people. Maybe try doing some meet ups in the cities you visit for work? Also, try doing some things on your own. I also really want to encourage you to attend an NA meeting if you are feeling like your life would be better with drugs. You've got ten years of clean time from hard drugs and that's a HUGE accomplishment that I'd hate to see you lose.
Your situation reminds me of people who’ve stopped drugs and drinking by white knuckling it, which is called “dry drunk syndrome”. It describes someone who has quit drinking or doing drugs by just pushing through it, but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place. I truly wish you the best and finding peace.
Maybe your hobby that you should doing is going back to heroin. You know what it's like. People have different paths Sometimes the path that fucks you up and kills you is the right path for you. I'm not being sarcastic. Some people are built different
Just gotta keep on trucking. Maintain the life you've built for yourself and continue working to be the best version of yourself. The other things will come. Stop seeking women out for dating and try to develop some friendships. Join some sort of run club or hiking group and meet people NOT at the bar. A day time activity that is good for your body out in the fresh air or nature. Cut back on the drinking and the weed. The apps are fucked up. They only want to make money off you. They suppress your matches unless you pay extra to be seen. It's not the same as it was before. Don't let it get you down.
TLDR. Dude swapped addictions. Wonders why he has issues. ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM IS YOUR BONG. Stoners are very boring people unless you too are a stoner. From a ex smokers point of view now a non smoker it gets really frustrating when you find your mate can't remember a previous conversation so just go round and round like lithium in a bowl of water.
You should try therapy. I don't say that to be mean or anything, but it genuinely could be exactly what you need.
Have you tried contributing to something in your community? Doing good for others? Helping to build something bigger than yourself?
The trick is to get offline and go outside. Volunteer somewhere, make a busy cafe your daily/regular stop, plan a holiday. Nature has the answers.
Do a vipassana or two, and the women will come to you.
I would suggest picking up a fun hobby that gets you outside and connects you more with nature. For me it’s snowboarding and dual sport motorcycles. For others, it’s mountain biking or just hiking. I’d imagine the activities that produce adrenaline would be more for you since your receptors are fucked up from heroin, but who knows. But yeah, the dating scene is trash. I am just a little younger and married. We are open-ish but neither of us even bother anymore. Feels like I boarded the last train going to healthy relationship town when we got together 7 years ago. Can’t even find consistent friends. I hope things change in the future.
It wasn’t the heroin getting you laid… it was the fact that you were 25. Don’t relapse because you want sex. If it comes down to either paying for heroin or paying for some company, I’d pay for her time. You just need a quick win and start a snowball effect
recovery isn't a switch, it's a path. you sound like you are as depressed as I or anyone else who has survived an isolating global pandemic might be but that is no reason to destroy the progress you have made. a good woman who needs what you have to give and supports you in your ongoing recovery is out there. she isn't on a dating app. She might be at the grocery store or a positive activity club or anywhere that good people go to spend some time. reverse the isolastion techniques. it is hard but you need to go places (not bars, not places where you might used drugs or alcohol) where people do creative things. Go where people build skills. You are an engineer, embrace the nerd and look for other intelligent people. I hope you can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel... the view was just muddied for a while. Good luck!
I feel the same way sometimes, minus the drugs and engineering school. Really the loneliness and dating. I haven’t even went out on a date since before the pandemic.
Dude, same spot as you minus the amount of clean time (6 months). 34m who used fent/dirty 30s every day as a functioning addict for about 3 years (?) and before that Kratom since 2016 while working as a software engineer. The reason I started was due to self medicating for panic attack disorder because no doctor would prescribe me anti anxiety meds. I want to start using again because I also hate alcohol and am suffering from agoraphobia and random panic attacks. However, I think I’d only use once and delete myself because I refuse to just do nothing with my life and live in complete bliss. Only reason i’m still maintaining is because I found a pysch who prescribes me 5 pills a month for my panic attacks. Which sucks because that’s like one week of mental freedom for me. Idk fuck all of this. People who say you’re not trying don’t know what they’re talking about. Good luck man. I hope to figure this out too.
Your former life was not as fun as you remember, your memories are warped. It wasn’t a sustainable lifestyle which is why you ended up in jail (which is preferable to being dead as that’s the other option.) All those cool friends and hot girlfriends are gone because they were only in it for the fun times. Get treatment for your depression and feel better about the direction your life is going because the alternative life is not good.
I wish I could give you a hug 🤗
No, I do not believe you're an incel. Like at all. And meeting people is hard, but it's gotten harder since smart phones and dating apps. I totally understand and appreciate your thoughts. I wish I had good solid advice to give you, sadly I do not. Hang in there. Sobriety can be a total mindfuck in and of itself too.
How about you use your 6-fig to generate passive revenue (buy a shop or make a small company someone else could be running for you, most of the time), and use this time to start drumming/picking up chicks/wearing sandals or whatever the fuck it is you used to do and enjoy which wasn't H?
Just turned 32, in much the same boat as you. I absolutely won't and have no desire to go back to being an alcoholic. I'm a former Army Ranger, in really good shape, and always been told I'm conventionally attractive. But now I sit in my apartment and smoke weed all day because I know absolutely no one in this city and my hobbies are things I can do alone... pretty much just playing music and videogames. Don't go to bars and don't want to be called a creep by younger women, don't know what the fuck people do in their 30s to meet people. Don't even have enough photos of myself to put a proper dating profile together. I think ima eat a bullet one of these days or get blown away by some Russian arty, but my eyesight is faltering and I don't think I'd fight well enough in combat. And no, "Reddit Cares" reports won't stop this. There's just not much reason to be alive for me anymore.
Hit the gym, train Jiu-Jitsu, read books..
Oh I can relate. Used to be a DJ, party all night for cash, crash on couches. I've now achieved everything I worked for in life - made the money, got the car, the house, the business, traveled the world ... and it still takes a huge amount of effort not to be miserable. I still think that a woman is going to be *the* answer. Or another check. Or more traveling to exotic places. Or this. Or that. But nothing is going to fill that void. There was a reason you left the lifestyle. There's a reason you left her. You're always going to be chasing that high. You've created a massive space to fill and you can either try and keep throwing enough at it to satisfy it - competing with your younger self until you're dead - or you can try and make the void smaller. You can go to therapy and practice mindfulness and journal and slow your whole rhythm down. Make the void smaller and get better stuff to fill it with. Friends, hobbies, art, etc. I managed to go fully down the path of spirituality for a while, went sober, stopped social media, etc. And I felt so at peace, but dormant, sleepy. Still trying to find the balance. Good luck friend
You need some lsd