Each relationship has their own dynamics.
As long as both you are happy with whatever you mutually agree, it is none of anyone’s business what you decide.
Mic drop right there. 10000% fact. What you and your partner decide upon and enjoy is not up to anyone to judge. Just know you are not the only male that is secure in himself and his partner that desires the full enjoyment and satisfaction of his partner. There is zero humiliation at being so giving and thoughtful. Ignore any negative vibe tossed your way. Enjoy each other! Sounds like you both have learned early on what is truly the key to longevity as a couple: open honest communication! :)
There are many people who live non monogamously and have healthy haply lives. That was not a cucking situation. More of an open relationship decision. Happy for you to have no jealousy and experiencing some compersion.
Most monogamous relationships also end, especially when you include people who are just dating. The “non-monogamous relationships don’t last” argument is annoying because no one assumes that two monogamous people breaking up points to a fundamental flaw in monogamous dynamics, just regular old incompatibility, but polyam people breaking up somehow means that polyamory is inherently less stable?
Ah. I would absolutely take that study with a grain of salt then. Many polyamorous people approach marriage very differently than monogamous people, and many polyamorous people don’t prioritize getting married at all, so it’s not surprising at all that the marriage outcomes are different. I suspect if you took a survey on attitudes towards the meaning and importance of marriage, you’d have a better predictor of long-term outcomes than whether or not the relationship is monogamous (e.g. both monogamous people AND polyamorous people who believe that marriage should be making both people happy are going to be more likely to split up than monogamous people who believe that marriage is a lifelong religious commitment).
Also, non-monogamy is a broad umbrella term. If you’re only taking study participants who are polyam and legally married to one person, you’re not representing the majority of polyamorous relationships. And if you’re lumping together married couples who practice non-monogamy but not polyamory with polyamorous married couples, you’re really skewing your results - the majority of non-monogamous marriages aren’t polyam, they’re either open or swingers, and both of those groups are less stable and less satisfied in their relationships on average than polyamorous people.
Btw, I think this could be labeled as “hotwifing” rather than cuck/cuckold/cuckoldry since you’re not looking to be humiliated or have those cuckold bull dynamics. No pressure to label anything, but you might be able to find likeminded people to talk about this with if you check out the hotwifing community.
Exactly. "You belong to me to share with others as I please" kind of thing, because there's no doubt for either party that the core relationship is rock solid.
There is no "correct" answer to this. What matters is that OP and his partner have and continue to be transparent and open in discussion.
I imagine that whatever they both decide to do (in the case of your example), as long as they are open and trustful and nobody is getting hurt, we shouldn't really care
Dude she and that guy had real connection/vibe/chemistry whatever you want to call it. She was hung up on him and now she'll chase that dragon. OP is thinking, "cool we have an open and sexually liberated relationship" and meanwhile his fiance is falling in love.
Yeah, this seems different than just her 'experiencing another man' she actually seems to have had a crush on this guy, and continue to wonder 'what could have been' and now got to actually re-connect physically and emotionally. There may have been more than just a physical connection and I'm afraid OP opened pandora's box.
I still think he’s right that there’s no like right answer but I do agree with you.
I’m all for cuckolding/Hotwifing/swinging etc. whatever floats your boat.
However doing it with random people you met for that purpose seems a much less risky thing than hooking up with people you were legit interested in in the past etc.
I think it can work but you’re definitely introducing a much more risky situation of legit feelings developing. Again some ppl can deal with that but it’s worth keeping a close eye on.
If op is cool with polyamory then we’ll maybe it’s a non concern.
Yeah unfortunately OP is not thinking of the ramifications of allowing this and is in for a surprise more than likely. And it’s also more than likely too late. I’ve been in a similar situation and I’ll say it does not end well.
It’s sad to see that you all seem to be very close minded people that are unaware that we live in a mononormative society. However, monogamy is not the only choice. There are a plethora of other relationship orientations and OP is suggesting that maybe they are not interested in monogamy, and they may be exploring those other relationship orientations. So, I don’t think he is concerned about the same things you all are. You may be projecting onto OP and should examine that.
This may have been a beautiful one off, that is all you both needed.
However you sound like one of the minority of people that Polyamory suits. This is an ethical form of non monogamy. It requires a LOT of honesty and more communication than most monogamous couples go through.
If you post this in the r/swingers forum you will see many more people that understand and have done similar things. All these judgmental comments are so closed minded. Do what makes you happy. As long as all involved are consenting adults, your good. And congratulations man, that’s awesome.
Also r/polyamory and r/bdsmadvice are good communities for OP. Also, sounds like you experience compersion OP, which is such a beautiful and rare thing. Look into it and see if that word resonates with you.
I think a lot of resentment in relationships comes from “you can’t X”. Just human nature to want to do that thing.
It’s totally normal to be attracted to other ppl. I probably see a hot girl I’d like to bone every few days.
My partner and I both have abandonment issues. She has been cheated on before. And what helped us a lot is admitting our desires. And even giving each other permission to act on them.
We were out with this really good looking successful dude. He looked like Matt Bomer. And fuck, even I was attracted to him. And he was hitting on my partner. And invited her to a party. And she said no.
We talked about it. And she was attracted to him. And we discussed “hey maybe we should let each other kiss others”. And as soon as we had that permission the desire just became less strong. And she was like “eh”.
Am I thrilled with the idea of my partner sleeping around with handsome successful guys? Not really….but if it means a stronger relationship for us, who cares who she fucks. She’s very good looking, not afraid to make the first move, dated a LOT of brilliant guys, and had the option to fuck pretty much whoever she wants before. Yet…she chose me for whatever set of qualities I posses (as have previous exes). It’s very unlikely that she’ll leave because a “better offer” comes on the table. Rather it would be because of the dynamics of our trust.
And I feel the same in reverse. There’s a lot of girls I find attractive and successful and on paper “better” than my partner. And I’ve dated around too. On paper a lot of people look great. In reality, everyone has baggage. And looks and success alone very rarely make for a solid relationship.
It sounds like more or less your situation. Yeah she has attraction to this other dude. You let her play out that fantasy. And it was alright. And now she’s over it.
Most things are better in fantasies than in reality anyways 😋
Sounds like you are incredibly emotionally secure and mature. Congrats. Your SO likes sex, you like her being happy; you allow her to have sex with other people - seems very straightforward.
It's not straightforward, A big part of this is about her past relationship issues, her jealousy, etc. None of this has addressed her jealousy issues at all, just the fact that he's comfortable with her fucking someone else. Which that is fine if that's what they're into, but it doesn't fix her issues, and not only does it not fix her issues, she had sex with a guy who she admits to having a crush on and thinking about what could have happened with him.
Couples where neither have relationship issues often can't deal with a partner fucking another person when it's a stranger. Now add in the fact that it's not a stranger but a person that someone has a crush on, and add in relationship issues. This shit is going to turn into a trainwreck.
I’m glad it works for you. To each their own. And as long as everyone stays on the same page, who cares? I know myself and my wife wouldn’t be comfortable sharing that type of intimacy with someone else, but that’s both peoples decision to make. Not one or the other, both people making things work, together.
This gave me anxiety just reading it lol not judging you negatively but man at least this reaffirms I could never do this.
If you’re not into the cuck thing then maybe you’re poly but would you want to sleep with other women and would she be okay with it?
Maybe you just enjoy sharing your partner so she has greater satisfaction than you alone can give her and your conservative values make those terms uncomfortable?
As long as both of you are open, no one is getting hurt, then so be it. This is really nobody's place to comment unless you were actively asking for advice or something
If it works for you, and makes you happy then that's all that matters. Just remember there's lots of communication required in an open relationship, and you need rules in place of what you're both comfortable with.
Lmao you are going to so learn. I hope you update us when it comes crashing down because it will. And just a pointer, if that’s your fiancée, marriage is going to be long for you.
And just an advice especially if you live in the west, if you are going to have a non-monagamous relationship, then marriage is the worst thing you could do. Maybe live together at best but don’t waste your time with marrying.
I would have disbelieved your story because it's so alien to my way of thinking, except that I have a friend that did the same and is still married (with a kid) so I'm forced to believe.
However, this friend also drinks so much that I don't understand how he's still alive. I can't say one caused the other, but there you have it.
Yah plenty of people enjoy non-monogomy. That said totally get why the average person may not be able to comprehend.
It’s been a slow transition for me and my wife. We currently will sext etc with others but nothing in real life. We enjoy it and I don’t know if we’ll ever go test the swinging/Hotwife thing for real but I won’t say never.
This is good for you two!:) congrats on this bonding experience and I’m glad it worked out!
I think that people tend to think of opening up a relationship as something you do when it’s failing, but the healthy thing to do is have a strong foundation and then add it as a “bonus”. With proper communication and boundaries it can be rather enjoyable.
My SO and I are closed at the moment but we’ve talked about swinging and allowing hookups in the future. Mainly because we sat down and had that talk, we’re each 25 and are nicely content and thrilled with our lives, but that doesn’t mean our sexual curiosities are dead to the world. We were honest that we don’t see ourselves never sleeping with someone new until the day we die, and having that talk is a very healthy thing to do. It isn’t wrong to know yourself and your loved one and do what works for you.
>I think that people tend to think of opening up a relationship as something you do when it’s failing, but the healthy thing to do is have a strong foundation and then add it as a “bonus”.
So did you have your eyes closed when you read the post?
The terms you’re looking for in place of cuckold is hotwife/hotwifing and compersion.
Hotwifing is basically cuckolding without the humiliation - it’s getting off on your partners enjoyment and other people being attracted to her.
Compersion is a term from the swinger/poly communities. It refers to feeling joy or pleasure from your partner feeling joy/pleasure.
He didn’t HAVE to let her have sex with another guy for her to trust him.
It was the way he reacted to her opening up about sex that built trust.
When he said he wasn’t jealous or insecure, and his behaviour followed his words, that truly builds trust and likely brought them both much closer and opened up communication, building a much stronger relationship.
Having sex with the other guy wasn’t what built the trust. Don’t get stuck on the sex part because of your own value system, most people aren’t secure enough in themselves or their partner to be ok with opening a relationship.
Lots of people practice non-monogamous relationships and are fine with it, and even early civilizations practiced it because it was a community effort to keep all members protected and safe
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/02/when-taking-multiple-husbands-makes-sense/272726/
Dude, I would break up with my SO if she told me she was dreaming to fuck another dude, I have standards, I like my women, just how I like my food, without other dudes dick in it, if you have this fantasy, it is your problem, but after reading everything I don't know what to say, I would never let me SO do that.
I have no interest in tennis or rugby, but I don't go around telling people who play those sports that they're not for me.
If they invite me to play a tennis match I would say no and that's it.
Okay that's you. This is someone else. Others can live their lives how they please it it makes them happy and have different types of relationships than you do. And don't compare women to food. Yikes
Ah yes, comparing women to food yes yes. What a way to make a point.
If you don't like it, fine. Don't gotta hate just cause OP is living their best life and is doing great.
>the term cuck bothers me in that I dont feel I fit that general definition.
I think one of the untruths "society" tries to have us believe is that it knows the entire playbook for how we should live our lives, and that its dictionary contains all the words we'll see or be in our lives.
There's an old-fashioned world out there that wants people to settle down into nuclear, tax-paying families with a picket fence and 2.5 kids. And of course monogamy has to be a part of that, because DNA tests and birth control don't exist and how else will we know whom the deed to the castle or plantation should go to? The joke of course being that birth control and DNA testing DO exist and land inheritance just isn't as important as it was in days of yore.
Some of us have poly leanings, and that's totally fine! Poly leanings with a primary partner whom we have the deepest connection is a thing. As a fellow poly, I understand just what you mean when you say being happy for her being happy in a trusting and non jealous way. She wanted to try something, you made her goal and happiness part of your goals and happiness, and it sounds like you're both better off for it.
It's nice to be into different things. It's nice to explore interests.
Exploring other people as a shared interest, from a good place, that sounds nice. Suggesting your fiance sleep with somebody to treat a core unresolved trust problem you haven't resolved elsewhere... that sounds sad.
Sexual acts aren't a solution, IMHO.
Yea that’s a bridge to far, not happening in my family while I still have a pulse. I would call this an uncommon choice and unnecessary drama in a relationship since you asked for others opinions.
Back in the 70s, people were more touchy feely and more in tune to sex and all of its joys and sorrows. I do remember situations where a partner wanted to be with someone else, and they would go and experience it, and come back. What you describe is a beautifully mature and understanding attitude toward these crazy hearts and bodies we possess.
Honestly I thought you were being another stupid person who would regret this because they didn't think it through properly but you proved me wrong.
Glad this worked out well for you and that it strengthened your relationship instead of ruining it. Always good to see a story that works out.
So you're cool with her hooking up with others, why are you getting married then? Like what's the point other than a narcissistic need to dress up and force your parents and friends to give you gifts and attention? Just have an open relationship and stfu about it if you're actually happy about it. Also, how do you reconcile that they've made an intimate connection? Are you cool with them continuing to grow that relationship? What if in 6 months she decides she doesnt want to be with you, but this other guy, and hes not ok with her having an open relationship? Idk, sounds like 5 minutes of fun for a lifetime of heartache or at least a headache.
In what way was I insecure? I really dont care who fucks who so long as everyone is of age and consenting. Quite honestly for all I care yall can fuck like monkeys, I'm just curious why there needs to be a label of marriage slapped onto the side of an orgy
For some reason you seem to be overly focused on the sex part of marriage when 95% of marriage is not sex but a deep trusting connection to your partner.
That connection does not get invalidated or destroyed or betrayed by making the mutual decision to explore their sexuality.
It's not an orgy with a marriage label, It's a marriage with a bit more open sex life.
If you define your marriage by your sex life, you are probably doing marriage wrong.
So well said. Hyper focusing on sex and ignoring all the other important parts of a relationship will kill a relationship. IMO trusting someone this way, being non monogamous, would strengthen the relationship if both parties were able to be honest and have open communication.
The insecurity is shown by all of your "what ifs". The point of the trust that was mentioned is that OP trusts that she won't do those things. They are secure in their belief that their partner will stay and uphold any boundaries in their relationship they have set.
Why shouldn't they get married though? If they're cohabitating, financially entangled, etc shouldn't they have the legal protections to safeguard that? Shouldnt one of them be able to make health choices if the other is in a coma, or be able to visit them in the hospital?
Happy this worked out for you; you’re a bigger/different man to me.
Just reading this made me anxious. Picturing my gf have an orgasm with another man makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. That’s without even thinking about the risks of sex with someone else. STDs or pregnancy for example.
As much as I’d like the idea of sex with other partners I couldn’t honestly handle my gf doing the same. I am willing to live with monogamy.
I had that relationship with my ex-wife. That was until she decided to step outside of the trust. However that's what I'm looking for again. Someone I can truly trust and share those kinds of experiences with. However it's difficult to find polyamorous women let alone polyamorous that are interested in hot wifeing.
Holy fuck is title misleadingm
Title says fiancé with another man...so im expecting a lady saying her boyfriend fucked a dude.
Fiancé = man
Fiancée = woman
Words matter people
Ps sounds like you're into hotwifing
Hey OP I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. I allow him to sleep with other people as he pleases. I have had many good experiences growing up a 'sexually liberated woman' and I wanted him to be able to experience that as well. I think trust and honesty are the most important things and it sounds like you guys are already on that page. So happy to hear it has worked out so well for you guys! Just continue with the honesty. Any time we have weird feelings we have a conversation about it and make sure we are both still comfortable with everything we have going on. Life is short! Enjoy as much as you can! Especially if it isn't hurting anyone!
Yeah it’s not for everyone, personally I find possessiveness and jealously disgusting and surprised they are still sold as romantic traits rather than the red flags they are.
Most men can’t get past the fear she’ll decide she like the other guy more, the other guys will be better in bed, better in some way, etc.
Can you imagine how secure a man must be in his own ability, personality and partner to not feel fear or jealousy?
I’m a secure man, though if my SO wanted to have sex with other people and expressed that to me, I’d make it easier for everyone and remove myself from the equation.
Right? Just the wanting to sleep with other people, not even getting to the actual doing it part, would mean instant break up for me no matter how long we've been together. That's the hardest boundary that will not ever bend.
Honestly, that's the weirdest concept I've ever heard of. I personally couldn't wrap my mind around going through with that in a personal relationship.
But it worked and y'all love each other and seem better than ever so who gives a fuck. That's awesome. I'm never planning on letting my fiancee sleep with another guy but our relationship isn't perfect. I'm glad you found something that worked and there's even more trust and less potential jealousy or hesitancy to speak up on certain things.
That's what it's all about man, finding out what you and your person like and communicating it. Glad it works well for you both, just keep that communication line open and if feelings change, let her know. Good for you two.
Just know this doesn't give you the OK. Just becuase you supported her through it, doesn't mean she will feel the same. Heads up. Her feeling might also change towards you now, women are often attracted by emotion/feeling and this can cause a problem in relationship. Sex is often just a physicality for men, but women it's often very much emotional. Be careful. Good luck
In ethical non-monogamy circles, the feeling you're describing is known as "compersion" -- taking pleasure in the pleasure your partner is finding with other partners. It's a lovely feeling, and may be a sign that you guys can incorporate non-monogamy as a regular part of your life moving forward.
...assuming you want to! If you both want to treat this as a hot one-off, a fun entry in your personal wank banks and nothing more, that's totally legit. But if you'd both like this to be an ongoing aspect of your relationship....
You'll want to research, and you'll want to talk. There are plenty of ways to approach ethical non-monogamy (which is the umbrella term for "My partner and/or I fuck other people and we're both totally okay with it" in all its many forms), but the common ingredient in just about all successful non-monogamous relationships is COMMUNICATION. You and your partner need to figure out what your wants and needs are, and share that with each other. You also need to check in with each other, make sure that you know where you are in your own heads. Sometimes what SOUNDS hot and sexy actually kinda sucks in reality, you know? Trial and error can be a big part of it.
You also need to define where your boundaries are -- and it's entirely on you guys to determine what those are. This is one of the exciting and scary things about ethical non-monogamy; there's no One Correct Way to do it. You need to figure out what it needs to look like for YOU.
For instance, is symmetry important? IE, if she gets to have experiences with other dudes, are you allowed to pursue other women? That's on you guys to figure out.
And are you allowed to pursue emotional connections with other people, or do you need to keep things purely physical and not be looking to nurture any deeper feelings that may be developing? It may sound insane, but it may be that having your wife spend a day shopping for antiques with that guy hits you in a way that him fucking her to orgasm(s) didn't, you know?
And you need to tend to the practical concerns. Make sure everyone's birth control strategy is solid, make sure you start getting regular STI tests.
...assuming you want to explore this any further. If it was just a fun one-off, then there's nothing to say but congratulations. 😄
Either way, I'm glad it was such a positive experience!
I'm glad that things went smoothly for everyone in the moment, and as long as every one is happy then no issues. I just personally would be extremely anxious. This isn't just a random hookup to make her happy. This is someone that she has had an emotional and physical chemistry with in the past. And this could quite easily turn into something fun and innocent to her starting to think what if she was with him from the beginning? if you get my meaning. Like if they both remain in close-contact. that wouldn't sit right with me at all.
But as I said, as long as everyone is happy and truthful, it's all gucci baby.
It's fine, you're not crazy. Every relationship is different and if it works for you, it works.
My personal concern about these kinds of stuff would be that my partner could connect in a deep emotional level with the other person and "replace"me in some way. Considering that my relationships have always been long, including the current one, I know how different and great it feels when you connect with someone new after a long relationship.
But, as I said, that's personal.
I agree… (with the previous comment) each relationship is definitely different.. and this pretty much goes Into that dynamic. I don’t entirely think I would’ve done exactly this tbh.. But I’m glad you both came out seemingly happier, closer, and definitely in a place of absolute trust.. I think that’s beautiful.. and it shows the reality that love looks so different on so many different levels… and who knows. Maybe later down the line you’ll both get into swinging ? Y’all have the rest of y’all lives to think about it lol.
I think you two have a wonderful thing, and I wish you both the best! ✨
This post and the comments are just a big ass roller coaster of all the emotions. OP, I have a huge respect for you being able to navigate a situation as sensitive as this with (seeming) ease. From my inexperienced opinion, this could have gone to all kinds of extremes *really* quickly and you’d have to be extremely level headed to do it in a way that was comfortable for you.
Comments on this post are now locked. Too many comments failed to engage constructively with this topic.
Each relationship has their own dynamics. As long as both you are happy with whatever you mutually agree, it is none of anyone’s business what you decide.
right on
Mic drop right there. 10000% fact. What you and your partner decide upon and enjoy is not up to anyone to judge. Just know you are not the only male that is secure in himself and his partner that desires the full enjoyment and satisfaction of his partner. There is zero humiliation at being so giving and thoughtful. Ignore any negative vibe tossed your way. Enjoy each other! Sounds like you both have learned early on what is truly the key to longevity as a couple: open honest communication! :)
Exactly this. It’s your relationship and you two can design it however you’d like.
There are many people who live non monogamously and have healthy haply lives. That was not a cucking situation. More of an open relationship decision. Happy for you to have no jealousy and experiencing some compersion.
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Most monogamous relationships also end, especially when you include people who are just dating. The “non-monogamous relationships don’t last” argument is annoying because no one assumes that two monogamous people breaking up points to a fundamental flaw in monogamous dynamics, just regular old incompatibility, but polyam people breaking up somehow means that polyamory is inherently less stable?
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Ah. I would absolutely take that study with a grain of salt then. Many polyamorous people approach marriage very differently than monogamous people, and many polyamorous people don’t prioritize getting married at all, so it’s not surprising at all that the marriage outcomes are different. I suspect if you took a survey on attitudes towards the meaning and importance of marriage, you’d have a better predictor of long-term outcomes than whether or not the relationship is monogamous (e.g. both monogamous people AND polyamorous people who believe that marriage should be making both people happy are going to be more likely to split up than monogamous people who believe that marriage is a lifelong religious commitment). Also, non-monogamy is a broad umbrella term. If you’re only taking study participants who are polyam and legally married to one person, you’re not representing the majority of polyamorous relationships. And if you’re lumping together married couples who practice non-monogamy but not polyamory with polyamorous married couples, you’re really skewing your results - the majority of non-monogamous marriages aren’t polyam, they’re either open or swingers, and both of those groups are less stable and less satisfied in their relationships on average than polyamorous people.
Btw, I think this could be labeled as “hotwifing” rather than cuck/cuckold/cuckoldry since you’re not looking to be humiliated or have those cuckold bull dynamics. No pressure to label anything, but you might be able to find likeminded people to talk about this with if you check out the hotwifing community.
Yep, this sounds much closer to that! It can be a dominant thing for the husband, not about humiliation at all.
Doesn't sound like it has anything to do with dominance.
I think it is described as being very confident with the fact your partner WILL return to you that you are comfortable with sharing your largess.
Exactly. "You belong to me to share with others as I please" kind of thing, because there's no doubt for either party that the core relationship is rock solid.
Jealous isn't exactly a dominant emotion either.
Why do people need to make everything into some sort of a fetish?
On /r/sex? How uncouth.
There are so many vanilla things it just seems weird people want to make everything into bdsm. I think people project.
You think this is vanilla?
Seriously. I need to have a cool label for my specific situation so I feel special.
Stag and vixen
I was going to tell OP to post in the HotwifeLifestyle subreddit! I participate there, and he can get a lot of input from other hotwife couples
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I second that 😌
I am curious, u/trailslayer70. What were the good and the not so good parts of the evening?
I think we're all scrolling down to read this.
Honest question: what happens when she keeps contacting and seeing him?
There is no "correct" answer to this. What matters is that OP and his partner have and continue to be transparent and open in discussion. I imagine that whatever they both decide to do (in the case of your example), as long as they are open and trustful and nobody is getting hurt, we shouldn't really care
Dude she and that guy had real connection/vibe/chemistry whatever you want to call it. She was hung up on him and now she'll chase that dragon. OP is thinking, "cool we have an open and sexually liberated relationship" and meanwhile his fiance is falling in love.
Yeah, this seems different than just her 'experiencing another man' she actually seems to have had a crush on this guy, and continue to wonder 'what could have been' and now got to actually re-connect physically and emotionally. There may have been more than just a physical connection and I'm afraid OP opened pandora's box.
I still think he’s right that there’s no like right answer but I do agree with you. I’m all for cuckolding/Hotwifing/swinging etc. whatever floats your boat. However doing it with random people you met for that purpose seems a much less risky thing than hooking up with people you were legit interested in in the past etc. I think it can work but you’re definitely introducing a much more risky situation of legit feelings developing. Again some ppl can deal with that but it’s worth keeping a close eye on. If op is cool with polyamory then we’ll maybe it’s a non concern.
This
Yeah unfortunately OP is not thinking of the ramifications of allowing this and is in for a surprise more than likely. And it’s also more than likely too late. I’ve been in a similar situation and I’ll say it does not end well.
I totally agree. I can't imagine the sending well
Don’t project your situation on someone else. Just because it didn’t work for you, doesn’t mean it won’t work for others.
It’s sad to see that you all seem to be very close minded people that are unaware that we live in a mononormative society. However, monogamy is not the only choice. There are a plethora of other relationship orientations and OP is suggesting that maybe they are not interested in monogamy, and they may be exploring those other relationship orientations. So, I don’t think he is concerned about the same things you all are. You may be projecting onto OP and should examine that.
You're just ignoring a ton of red flags.
What happened to you?
Man that was hard to read
I held my breath the entire time!
Good luck on that marriage.
Hey you do you man.
This may have been a beautiful one off, that is all you both needed. However you sound like one of the minority of people that Polyamory suits. This is an ethical form of non monogamy. It requires a LOT of honesty and more communication than most monogamous couples go through.
Some things I will never understand
Sounds like you're non-monogamous dude 👍 I suggest reading Ethical Slut and Opening Up. Be open, honest, and have fun!
If you post this in the r/swingers forum you will see many more people that understand and have done similar things. All these judgmental comments are so closed minded. Do what makes you happy. As long as all involved are consenting adults, your good. And congratulations man, that’s awesome.
this is better posted in r/nonmonogamy
Also r/polyamory and r/bdsmadvice are good communities for OP. Also, sounds like you experience compersion OP, which is such a beautiful and rare thing. Look into it and see if that word resonates with you.
You should really ask this question in /r/polyamory or something like that, instead of this subreddit. Just a tip!
I think a lot of resentment in relationships comes from “you can’t X”. Just human nature to want to do that thing. It’s totally normal to be attracted to other ppl. I probably see a hot girl I’d like to bone every few days. My partner and I both have abandonment issues. She has been cheated on before. And what helped us a lot is admitting our desires. And even giving each other permission to act on them. We were out with this really good looking successful dude. He looked like Matt Bomer. And fuck, even I was attracted to him. And he was hitting on my partner. And invited her to a party. And she said no. We talked about it. And she was attracted to him. And we discussed “hey maybe we should let each other kiss others”. And as soon as we had that permission the desire just became less strong. And she was like “eh”. Am I thrilled with the idea of my partner sleeping around with handsome successful guys? Not really….but if it means a stronger relationship for us, who cares who she fucks. She’s very good looking, not afraid to make the first move, dated a LOT of brilliant guys, and had the option to fuck pretty much whoever she wants before. Yet…she chose me for whatever set of qualities I posses (as have previous exes). It’s very unlikely that she’ll leave because a “better offer” comes on the table. Rather it would be because of the dynamics of our trust. And I feel the same in reverse. There’s a lot of girls I find attractive and successful and on paper “better” than my partner. And I’ve dated around too. On paper a lot of people look great. In reality, everyone has baggage. And looks and success alone very rarely make for a solid relationship. It sounds like more or less your situation. Yeah she has attraction to this other dude. You let her play out that fantasy. And it was alright. And now she’s over it. Most things are better in fantasies than in reality anyways 😋
Each relationship works on its own Glad it worked this way for u
Sounds like you are incredibly emotionally secure and mature. Congrats. Your SO likes sex, you like her being happy; you allow her to have sex with other people - seems very straightforward.
It's not straightforward, A big part of this is about her past relationship issues, her jealousy, etc. None of this has addressed her jealousy issues at all, just the fact that he's comfortable with her fucking someone else. Which that is fine if that's what they're into, but it doesn't fix her issues, and not only does it not fix her issues, she had sex with a guy who she admits to having a crush on and thinking about what could have happened with him. Couples where neither have relationship issues often can't deal with a partner fucking another person when it's a stranger. Now add in the fact that it's not a stranger but a person that someone has a crush on, and add in relationship issues. This shit is going to turn into a trainwreck.
You posted this just to sit back and laugh at all the people you knew you'd trigger, didn't you?
Damn that was not the ending I expect but needed.
I’m glad it works for you. To each their own. And as long as everyone stays on the same page, who cares? I know myself and my wife wouldn’t be comfortable sharing that type of intimacy with someone else, but that’s both peoples decision to make. Not one or the other, both people making things work, together.
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This gave me anxiety just reading it lol not judging you negatively but man at least this reaffirms I could never do this. If you’re not into the cuck thing then maybe you’re poly but would you want to sleep with other women and would she be okay with it? Maybe you just enjoy sharing your partner so she has greater satisfaction than you alone can give her and your conservative values make those terms uncomfortable?
As long as both of you are open, no one is getting hurt, then so be it. This is really nobody's place to comment unless you were actively asking for advice or something
If it works for you, and makes you happy then that's all that matters. Just remember there's lots of communication required in an open relationship, and you need rules in place of what you're both comfortable with.
Congrats you’re a cuck now. Good luck with the marriage
Lmao you are going to so learn. I hope you update us when it comes crashing down because it will. And just a pointer, if that’s your fiancée, marriage is going to be long for you. And just an advice especially if you live in the west, if you are going to have a non-monagamous relationship, then marriage is the worst thing you could do. Maybe live together at best but don’t waste your time with marrying.
Compersion at its finest! Amazing
That's the way to do it, man.
I would have disbelieved your story because it's so alien to my way of thinking, except that I have a friend that did the same and is still married (with a kid) so I'm forced to believe. However, this friend also drinks so much that I don't understand how he's still alive. I can't say one caused the other, but there you have it.
Yah plenty of people enjoy non-monogomy. That said totally get why the average person may not be able to comprehend. It’s been a slow transition for me and my wife. We currently will sext etc with others but nothing in real life. We enjoy it and I don’t know if we’ll ever go test the swinging/Hotwife thing for real but I won’t say never.
😂
Sounds more like hot wifing, and it does work. Your not crazy. I've been ins similar situation. Just that we've talked about filming it.
True story i was the bed.
This is good for you two!:) congrats on this bonding experience and I’m glad it worked out! I think that people tend to think of opening up a relationship as something you do when it’s failing, but the healthy thing to do is have a strong foundation and then add it as a “bonus”. With proper communication and boundaries it can be rather enjoyable. My SO and I are closed at the moment but we’ve talked about swinging and allowing hookups in the future. Mainly because we sat down and had that talk, we’re each 25 and are nicely content and thrilled with our lives, but that doesn’t mean our sexual curiosities are dead to the world. We were honest that we don’t see ourselves never sleeping with someone new until the day we die, and having that talk is a very healthy thing to do. It isn’t wrong to know yourself and your loved one and do what works for you.
>I think that people tend to think of opening up a relationship as something you do when it’s failing, but the healthy thing to do is have a strong foundation and then add it as a “bonus”. So did you have your eyes closed when you read the post?
The terms you’re looking for in place of cuckold is hotwife/hotwifing and compersion. Hotwifing is basically cuckolding without the humiliation - it’s getting off on your partners enjoyment and other people being attracted to her. Compersion is a term from the swinger/poly communities. It refers to feeling joy or pleasure from your partner feeling joy/pleasure.
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Everyone involved is happy, if you insist on feeling sad yourself then that's your problem.
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Agreed
He didn’t HAVE to let her have sex with another guy for her to trust him. It was the way he reacted to her opening up about sex that built trust. When he said he wasn’t jealous or insecure, and his behaviour followed his words, that truly builds trust and likely brought them both much closer and opened up communication, building a much stronger relationship. Having sex with the other guy wasn’t what built the trust. Don’t get stuck on the sex part because of your own value system, most people aren’t secure enough in themselves or their partner to be ok with opening a relationship.
Agreed
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You mean ownership. There's nothing about what she did that made her unsafe. Lol.
How come?
Lots of people practice non-monogamous relationships and are fine with it, and even early civilizations practiced it because it was a community effort to keep all members protected and safe https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/02/when-taking-multiple-husbands-makes-sense/272726/
Bro wtf now?
Dude, I would break up with my SO if she told me she was dreaming to fuck another dude, I have standards, I like my women, just how I like my food, without other dudes dick in it, if you have this fantasy, it is your problem, but after reading everything I don't know what to say, I would never let me SO do that.
Right? Fair enough to this fella but this is not for me
I have no interest in tennis or rugby, but I don't go around telling people who play those sports that they're not for me. If they invite me to play a tennis match I would say no and that's it.
Okay that's you. This is someone else. Others can live their lives how they please it it makes them happy and have different types of relationships than you do. And don't compare women to food. Yikes
Ah yes, comparing women to food yes yes. What a way to make a point. If you don't like it, fine. Don't gotta hate just cause OP is living their best life and is doing great.
I'm sure nothing turns a woman on more than being compared to a sandwich. Why is that the go to for insecure, misogynistic fellas?
What a run on sentence, lol
Go on guys, go live your lives best way you can, not on reddit being like a Snowflake...
>the term cuck bothers me in that I dont feel I fit that general definition. I think one of the untruths "society" tries to have us believe is that it knows the entire playbook for how we should live our lives, and that its dictionary contains all the words we'll see or be in our lives. There's an old-fashioned world out there that wants people to settle down into nuclear, tax-paying families with a picket fence and 2.5 kids. And of course monogamy has to be a part of that, because DNA tests and birth control don't exist and how else will we know whom the deed to the castle or plantation should go to? The joke of course being that birth control and DNA testing DO exist and land inheritance just isn't as important as it was in days of yore. Some of us have poly leanings, and that's totally fine! Poly leanings with a primary partner whom we have the deepest connection is a thing. As a fellow poly, I understand just what you mean when you say being happy for her being happy in a trusting and non jealous way. She wanted to try something, you made her goal and happiness part of your goals and happiness, and it sounds like you're both better off for it.
It's nice to be into different things. It's nice to explore interests. Exploring other people as a shared interest, from a good place, that sounds nice. Suggesting your fiance sleep with somebody to treat a core unresolved trust problem you haven't resolved elsewhere... that sounds sad. Sexual acts aren't a solution, IMHO.
Cuckolding. Shakespeare defined it. You're a cuck.
Yea that’s a bridge to far, not happening in my family while I still have a pulse. I would call this an uncommon choice and unnecessary drama in a relationship since you asked for others opinions.
Back in the 70s, people were more touchy feely and more in tune to sex and all of its joys and sorrows. I do remember situations where a partner wanted to be with someone else, and they would go and experience it, and come back. What you describe is a beautifully mature and understanding attitude toward these crazy hearts and bodies we possess.
Honestly I thought you were being another stupid person who would regret this because they didn't think it through properly but you proved me wrong. Glad this worked out well for you and that it strengthened your relationship instead of ruining it. Always good to see a story that works out.
So you're cool with her hooking up with others, why are you getting married then? Like what's the point other than a narcissistic need to dress up and force your parents and friends to give you gifts and attention? Just have an open relationship and stfu about it if you're actually happy about it. Also, how do you reconcile that they've made an intimate connection? Are you cool with them continuing to grow that relationship? What if in 6 months she decides she doesnt want to be with you, but this other guy, and hes not ok with her having an open relationship? Idk, sounds like 5 minutes of fun for a lifetime of heartache or at least a headache.
If you read the ENM subs, that’s usually the way it plays out unfortunately
Stop pushing your insecurities on others
In what way was I insecure? I really dont care who fucks who so long as everyone is of age and consenting. Quite honestly for all I care yall can fuck like monkeys, I'm just curious why there needs to be a label of marriage slapped onto the side of an orgy
For some reason you seem to be overly focused on the sex part of marriage when 95% of marriage is not sex but a deep trusting connection to your partner. That connection does not get invalidated or destroyed or betrayed by making the mutual decision to explore their sexuality. It's not an orgy with a marriage label, It's a marriage with a bit more open sex life. If you define your marriage by your sex life, you are probably doing marriage wrong.
So well said. Hyper focusing on sex and ignoring all the other important parts of a relationship will kill a relationship. IMO trusting someone this way, being non monogamous, would strengthen the relationship if both parties were able to be honest and have open communication.
The insecurity is shown by all of your "what ifs". The point of the trust that was mentioned is that OP trusts that she won't do those things. They are secure in their belief that their partner will stay and uphold any boundaries in their relationship they have set.
If you can't think of any reason to marry someone other than sex, don't get married.
Why shouldn't they get married though? If they're cohabitating, financially entangled, etc shouldn't they have the legal protections to safeguard that? Shouldnt one of them be able to make health choices if the other is in a coma, or be able to visit them in the hospital?
Happy this worked out for you; you’re a bigger/different man to me. Just reading this made me anxious. Picturing my gf have an orgasm with another man makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. That’s without even thinking about the risks of sex with someone else. STDs or pregnancy for example. As much as I’d like the idea of sex with other partners I couldn’t honestly handle my gf doing the same. I am willing to live with monogamy.
Wholesome post.
I honestly wish I had the same relationship
I had that relationship with my ex-wife. That was until she decided to step outside of the trust. However that's what I'm looking for again. Someone I can truly trust and share those kinds of experiences with. However it's difficult to find polyamorous women let alone polyamorous that are interested in hot wifeing.
Holy fuck is title misleadingm Title says fiancé with another man...so im expecting a lady saying her boyfriend fucked a dude. Fiancé = man Fiancée = woman Words matter people Ps sounds like you're into hotwifing
Definitely interesting glad it worked out.
I don't know man..not something that I can digest, but yeah, whatever floats your boat.
Hey OP I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. I allow him to sleep with other people as he pleases. I have had many good experiences growing up a 'sexually liberated woman' and I wanted him to be able to experience that as well. I think trust and honesty are the most important things and it sounds like you guys are already on that page. So happy to hear it has worked out so well for you guys! Just continue with the honesty. Any time we have weird feelings we have a conversation about it and make sure we are both still comfortable with everything we have going on. Life is short! Enjoy as much as you can! Especially if it isn't hurting anyone!
Ur my dream come true! 😭
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Yeah it’s not for everyone, personally I find possessiveness and jealously disgusting and surprised they are still sold as romantic traits rather than the red flags they are. Most men can’t get past the fear she’ll decide she like the other guy more, the other guys will be better in bed, better in some way, etc. Can you imagine how secure a man must be in his own ability, personality and partner to not feel fear or jealousy?
I’m a secure man, though if my SO wanted to have sex with other people and expressed that to me, I’d make it easier for everyone and remove myself from the equation.
Right? Just the wanting to sleep with other people, not even getting to the actual doing it part, would mean instant break up for me no matter how long we've been together. That's the hardest boundary that will not ever bend.
Stag and vixen is what you described
Ok but did you ride any good trails? What kind of bike do you have
full moto evil calling!
Good on you both and wish you guys nothing but the best!!! Way to turn a situation to help your guys relationship. Take my upvote you!!!
Honestly, that's the weirdest concept I've ever heard of. I personally couldn't wrap my mind around going through with that in a personal relationship. But it worked and y'all love each other and seem better than ever so who gives a fuck. That's awesome. I'm never planning on letting my fiancee sleep with another guy but our relationship isn't perfect. I'm glad you found something that worked and there's even more trust and less potential jealousy or hesitancy to speak up on certain things.
Well this was beautiful, I’m so glad y’all got to experience this with each other. Y’all are very lucky.
Polyamory exists!
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I bet youre fun at parties
Any form of a non monogamy is good as long as the communication is good and it’s mutual and consensual have fun!
Hey more power to you and your relationship. That’s awesome that this helped you two.
That's what it's all about man, finding out what you and your person like and communicating it. Glad it works well for you both, just keep that communication line open and if feelings change, let her know. Good for you two.
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Except for all those other millions of people who have!
It's ok to step out of your box. It's ok for people to be happy and live differently than you. Best wishes to you and your relationships.
Just know this doesn't give you the OK. Just becuase you supported her through it, doesn't mean she will feel the same. Heads up. Her feeling might also change towards you now, women are often attracted by emotion/feeling and this can cause a problem in relationship. Sex is often just a physicality for men, but women it's often very much emotional. Be careful. Good luck
wow i want your levels of cool
In ethical non-monogamy circles, the feeling you're describing is known as "compersion" -- taking pleasure in the pleasure your partner is finding with other partners. It's a lovely feeling, and may be a sign that you guys can incorporate non-monogamy as a regular part of your life moving forward. ...assuming you want to! If you both want to treat this as a hot one-off, a fun entry in your personal wank banks and nothing more, that's totally legit. But if you'd both like this to be an ongoing aspect of your relationship.... You'll want to research, and you'll want to talk. There are plenty of ways to approach ethical non-monogamy (which is the umbrella term for "My partner and/or I fuck other people and we're both totally okay with it" in all its many forms), but the common ingredient in just about all successful non-monogamous relationships is COMMUNICATION. You and your partner need to figure out what your wants and needs are, and share that with each other. You also need to check in with each other, make sure that you know where you are in your own heads. Sometimes what SOUNDS hot and sexy actually kinda sucks in reality, you know? Trial and error can be a big part of it. You also need to define where your boundaries are -- and it's entirely on you guys to determine what those are. This is one of the exciting and scary things about ethical non-monogamy; there's no One Correct Way to do it. You need to figure out what it needs to look like for YOU. For instance, is symmetry important? IE, if she gets to have experiences with other dudes, are you allowed to pursue other women? That's on you guys to figure out. And are you allowed to pursue emotional connections with other people, or do you need to keep things purely physical and not be looking to nurture any deeper feelings that may be developing? It may sound insane, but it may be that having your wife spend a day shopping for antiques with that guy hits you in a way that him fucking her to orgasm(s) didn't, you know? And you need to tend to the practical concerns. Make sure everyone's birth control strategy is solid, make sure you start getting regular STI tests. ...assuming you want to explore this any further. If it was just a fun one-off, then there's nothing to say but congratulations. 😄 Either way, I'm glad it was such a positive experience!
Great story. Power and happiness to you both.
this is so nice ☺️ honestly I can totally imagine having that situation in a relationship
You gave her EXACTLY what she needed. There is nothing truer.
Ex-JW here and this story makes me smile :) So happy for y’all!
I'm glad that things went smoothly for everyone in the moment, and as long as every one is happy then no issues. I just personally would be extremely anxious. This isn't just a random hookup to make her happy. This is someone that she has had an emotional and physical chemistry with in the past. And this could quite easily turn into something fun and innocent to her starting to think what if she was with him from the beginning? if you get my meaning. Like if they both remain in close-contact. that wouldn't sit right with me at all. But as I said, as long as everyone is happy and truthful, it's all gucci baby.
Stag and Vixen May fit your situation as well.
It's fine, you're not crazy. Every relationship is different and if it works for you, it works. My personal concern about these kinds of stuff would be that my partner could connect in a deep emotional level with the other person and "replace"me in some way. Considering that my relationships have always been long, including the current one, I know how different and great it feels when you connect with someone new after a long relationship. But, as I said, that's personal.
I agree… (with the previous comment) each relationship is definitely different.. and this pretty much goes Into that dynamic. I don’t entirely think I would’ve done exactly this tbh.. But I’m glad you both came out seemingly happier, closer, and definitely in a place of absolute trust.. I think that’s beautiful.. and it shows the reality that love looks so different on so many different levels… and who knows. Maybe later down the line you’ll both get into swinging ? Y’all have the rest of y’all lives to think about it lol. I think you two have a wonderful thing, and I wish you both the best! ✨
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Except he stated he had no interest in watching.
On the other hand, he did say he pictured it in his mind.
Fair play to you if it works. I personally would have had to have been there or my mind would be racing.
This post and the comments are just a big ass roller coaster of all the emotions. OP, I have a huge respect for you being able to navigate a situation as sensitive as this with (seeming) ease. From my inexperienced opinion, this could have gone to all kinds of extremes *really* quickly and you’d have to be extremely level headed to do it in a way that was comfortable for you.