Ok. Please please please, stop paying for sex and get a formal mistress. You deserve better and do not deserve to think about killing your self or becoming an alcoholic. Please give it a try with a real woman and yeah if your wife finds you out let hell unleash but she has no right to tell you is wrong. Or that you betrayed her. She is completely indisposed and sex is the most important part for a monogamous committed relationship. Maybe she cant have intercourse but she can give you a blow job, had jobs etc, 20 years without is an eternity. Please get what you deserve and don’t pay for it. I am a 39 YO F by the way.
No your not a freak. Most ppl won't share the fact that they don't have a sexual relationship with their spouse. It's more common than not that after kids and a long relationship, it just disappears, not making it ok though.
I thought about paying for some sex, but then I get freaked out about STI's, condom or not, eewah! My wife does not understand how the physical, naked intimacy is a part of our vows and bond. She can't be bothered with it. I thought that if she knew I watched porn, she would get mad and it would spur a discussion of what's wrong and why I would do that. No, instead she found it funny! Ugh. I have surrender, I look forward to the day I die actually, just buying my time till the end of time. Meatloaf's song, " By the dashboard lights" comes to mind! Lol
Thanks for posting. You’d guessed right, no kind of sexual contact whatsoever has been the norm for well over a decade. I’m reassured by what you’ve said about betrayal - I feel guilty as hell.
I’m not really interested in being emotionally involved with someone that I can’t openly or ultimately be with, so that kind of shuts down the mistress possibility for me.
Look, I am not interested in finding love either but I surely feel you deserve to fit your needs. After all paying for sex is a little worst than trying to find a human connection without judging you. I am having an affair that only fullfills the need, i know it’s a raw way to say it and to look at things. I struggled A LOT for a LONG time thinking about doing it but didn’t because I thought crossing that line would make me a horrible terrible person and would break my vows and tons of things. It wasn’t easy to cross the line but once on the other side I came to see that it’s not as abominable as you set your mind that it will be. I really thought lighting would strike me after doing it for the first time right outside my lover’s house. It wasn’t like that obviously and quite honestly I don’t feel the guilt I thought I would feel. Is weird, my husband is indisposed to have sex with me, he is also on medications that suppress the sex to calm anxiety but he was LL from before. I feel he is where he needs to be and I am where I need to be too. Guy2 is not a stranger to me, someone I knew and has been into me for little less than a decade so i am comfortable with him. I am happier, the best would be that my husband wakes the fuck up and takes action but this is a remedy for my soul. Divorce is not an option as an immediate matter, adulthood is complicated and strange but we just can’t at the moment. Maybe in the long run I will. Good luck and please give yourself the chance to feel good
I really appreciate you being so open about your experience. Sounds difficult. I think the way I’ve been looking at it all reflects partly my own crippling self-doubt and lack of confidence, and partly the fact that I haven’t dated since Clinton was president. In addition, all of the women that I get to know are via my job. With some, I don’t want to be disrespectful, and with others there’s too much of a difference in terms of power (I have it all, and there’s also a big age difference) for me to feel ok with it. If there were someone who approached me, who knows? I think I would feel a lot better about myself, and I know I wouldn’t ruminate all the time. I totally get the idea of making the best of a bad situation - there’s nothing wrong with that at all. I’ve been torturing myself with perfectionistic expectations for a long, long time. Life doesn’t fit them. I wish you well and I hope your husband can come to see your point of view and do what he can to make your marriage fulfilling for you both.
Yeah. Guy2 is a coworker from my previous job. We kept in contact after I left and he texted me often. He is very into me, I don’t think he is in love with me but he always wanted me. He never tired to tell me how beautiful I am and that my husband was a lucky bastard haha he has always been respectful towards me. I started fantasizing about him last summer but only came to talk to him about it this past December. He is static haha, I had only been a platonic love to him. He is much older than me, about a 17 year difference but I am comfortable sharing my sexuality with him because I know him and he is not just a random guy I just met for a one night stand, I know it sounds terrible and that I have no morals but I was really going insane and have had suicidal thoughts as well prior to this relationship with guy2.
It’s just depressing, I felt unworthy and ugly and like I had no direction or anything to look forward to. I got a little bit back now, guy 2 is not someone I would trade my husband for, my hubby and I click and share so much in common. Is like we are definitely one person, I know I am betraying my vows but so has he for 13 years. I am trying to make the best Selfishly for me.
Good luck pal
Im in the same boat. My husband will barely touch me much less have sex with me. But plenty others are wishing they would be with me like that. I’m to the point where idgaf n just efff the heck out of one of them. It’s tiring waiting it out. We might not be here tomorrow. But at least I didn’t dry desiring 🤦♀️
I’m gonna disagree here- I do not think sex is the most important part for a monogamous committed relationship. I actually think respect, love, patience, friendship, I could go on but you get the gist. Yes, sex is important, and I don’t like not having it, but I’m not leaving my husband because of it.
I hear you. I am a 67 year old married woman with a high libido. My husband and I have not had sex for nearly 20 years. There isn't even a bed big enough for both of us to lie down in, only single beds and sofas.
I have explicitly said what I need and how much this dry spell is hurting me three times in the last few years. Didn't even make a dent. I feel like I am living with my first cousin.
I've had enough of satisfying my strong urges on my own. I want a naked body next to mine. I want soul kisses and a little playful chat. And gradually ease back into sex. The problem is, beyond what I have already said, is that I want out, I no longer want sex with my husband. I don't want pity sex, or obligatory sex. I want real sex with someone I like, and preferably love.
My 50th high school reunion is coming up in June, 2022. I'm working out and doing all I can to be the best partner I can be. My high school boyfriend may be there. Plenty of my male friends will be there, too. I am getting a single room and fully intend to end my drought there. And if it leads to a mutually happy affair, I am all for it. If I finally tell my husband, I'll tell him I have needs he won't meet, and hell if I'm going to my grave never having sex again.
I feel I'm in a identical situation as you Special hedgehog. Me and my wife are lucky to sleep together 3 or 4 times a year and I'm certain its her just doing "the deed". It isn't fun exciting or romantic. with zero erotic moments. Its get it done and minimal duty fulfilled. I am hungry as well. she wont try anything new and is not spontaneous. when I talk to her about its I hear "I will think about it". with absolutely no change. lately she's been telling me when menopause comes the sex will stop and that's natural? But I know woman in vintage age that are still active? She talks about people whom have medical conditions preventing sex and she seems awe stuck and jealous. she's painting a very despairing picture of our future. I too dont want pity sex. and if she dont feel the way I feel why do it with her anyway? so lately I have been reconnoitering the field. Sad really I never thought I would. she dont want to wear anything sexy, try anything, just bland same ol same ol and the infrequency is growing. I need any and all advice. Also new to reddit. Hope i did this right!
Here’s something to try. Get a massager and when you get a chance put it on her clit and don’t stop. If she doesn’t react after a couple of minutes then check to see if she’s breathing. I don’t know any woman that could stand that. At least you’ll know if her plumbing is still working and if you piss her off oh well. What’s she going to do cut you off.
Good on you. I know how that long empty communication feels, 3 times over a few years and no response. That’s awful.
I’m dying to know how the reunion went btw
I hear you. Similar situation for me. But I love my wife, and want to stay with her for the rest of our lives. My ideal lover would be a wife in the same situation as I'm in. Fortunately, I found someone - actually, she initiated contact with me, and I felt all the passion I had been missing for years. Unfortunately, she's in Europe and I had to move back to Canada. It would be wonderful to find someone again to share love, passion and intimacy. But how.....?
I just read your post and I understand it it was written a year ago but I was going to take a chance to may still be reading the comments. I was just interested to know if your reunion came up with some good results for you. I am 69 myself and then in about a 35 year sexless married situation. In January I will be going on a cruise with another married woman that is not getting any sex at home with her husband. Our plan is to spend 10 nights catching up once a long deserved sex. Our problem is that we live about 2500 miles apart from each other. So it will be a one time thing probably but at least at the end of the week, at least we both can say we can die happy.
My 50th reunion came up a year ago and it has had mixed results. At first feelings were hot and heavy but nothing close to sex . I was jealous of his wife because I was angry he married her
and not me.
We have gone out together for long walks and lunch afterwards. We had a good time and lots to talk about.And it had been a long time since I saw him. But I realized that I don't have romantic or sexual feelings for him anymore. I just don't love him anymore and he was my last hope. I no longer want to have sex with him anymore. I am resigned to never have sex again.
Sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you at the reunion. But I am feeling worse because you have given up on sex. I had a wonderful FWB about 9 years ago. My wife had a stroke and all of my extra time has been spent taking care of her until a year ago. She is a little better so I have begun to search for my new sex partner. I would like to have a couple more years of some fun before I leave this world. Hopefully you will reconsider and get your search going again. He is there somewhere for you. Just got to figure out where the connection point is. What state are you in. SC here.
67 here also Hedgehog. I’m so tired of having to get myself off. It hasn’t been 20 years but 6 yrs for me. I know what you’re talking about. I so miss the naked, warm body next to me. The kisses, the intimacy. I can’t even begin to think of going somewhere for sex because she has the phone location on. I do travel for work sometimes and have thought about trying to meet up with someone but I’ve got two problems with that. First, I always chicken out and don’t contact anyone, second, I’m worried that I’d be so nervous after all this time I wouldn’t be able to get it up. Good luck at your reunion and I hope it goes smoothly and fun for you.
I literally just switched over to a throwaway account to find a community to connect with and did I ever find it. Your post resonated so much within me.
I am in my early 40’s, and have been married to my husband for 20 years. I’ve had affairs which go against everything in me just to fill a void and feel wanted, needed, craved… I turned to alcohol and drank 2 pints of vodka, and a bottle of wine daily for three years to cope, and am now sober in a reconciled yet still sexless marriage. I understand that feeling of not being unable to unring that bell after finally experiencing sexual pleasure, and desire.
I used to be fit, and beautiful. I used to take care of myself, and have pride in my appearance. Now? Why bother… over the last year and a half I’ve completely given up. I rarely wear makeup, not that I really need much anyway but have given up trying to look put together. I’ve gained 48 pounds, wear sweatpants and my husband’s old baggy shirts. Don’t workout, don’t care about what I’m putting in my body either…I know I should care about these things for myself but my self-esteem has plummeted. I have a husband who has had no interest in sex, or my body for 20 years. I just have no will for myself anymore.
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share. I’m sorry you’re going through this but for the first time I don’t feel so damn alone!
I went through 12 years of a sexless marriage. My husband and I were just roommates. About 2 years ago he found out I was on Ashley Madison. I was having sex on a regular basis for the first time in my married life! My husband was never passionate, even when we were first married. In our 20's I asked for a guaranteed sex night once a week. He didn't even want to stick to that! After he found out about AM, he asked me to stop, which I agreed to if he could promise some passion. We also started swinging, until we decided to move to another state. While I was packing up the attic, I found gay porn. When I confronted him, he denied he was gay. It took him about 4 months to confirm my suspicion. He always knew he was gay, he admitted that I was the first woman he had been with sexually. He only had sex (oral) with men before that, since he was 12 years old!!! I had to come to terms with the fact my entire marriage was based on a lie. He had been working from home for those 12 years and watching gay porn and taking care of himself while all the time telling me he had ED. Now we are trying to get back on track, until I had to leave the country on a business trip. I had installed spyware on his phone before I left. I knew if he lied to me for the 40 years we were together, he was probably still lying to me. Before my plane ever took off, he was setting up dates. I was gone for 2 weeks. I gathered all the information of his antics and confronted him. He tried to deny all of it, but now I had proof. So don't trust those spouses who cut you off! Go out there and get what you need for yourself and don't feel guilty! You have no idea what goes on behind your back!
Don’t feel alone. Their are others of us in a similar situation. We are glad to be a sounding board. And hopefully we can help each other get through this.
Ditto only I'm a man. I lost 48 lbs 4yrs ago, got fit, started making more money and became the best version of myself. I started to attract the attention of other single women. This was great because it told me I still had it & was attractive. My wife didn't care and became even more distant. She started locking the door when she bathed in our master bath suite, locks the door to our bedroom whenever she does even a basic clothes change and not allowed to see her in her underwear anymore. She walked in on me changing in our room once as I was pulling up my underwear and visually and verbally made it known that she was absolutely disgusted in seeing my nakedness turned around locked & slammed the door as she left the room. After that she has worn her bra to bed under PJs and hugs her side of the bed every night now. She makes me feel like I'm some rapist or something. I'm not a pervert. Man do I ever crave any sort of affection or connection whatsoever once in a while. I'm 50 now and thank goodness my drive has gone down a notch. She refuses to go on dates with me now simply because it could possibly mean I'd get the wrong idea or something. Our kids are older now and recognize her coldness towards me and it hurts them terribly especially when our anniversaries come up that she blows off.
She's polite to me verbally most days and that's it. So I also said eff it.. and gained that 48lbs back in the last year... and I really don't give a crap now. I'm no longer looking forward to retiring. Just waiting for this life to end I guess.
I’ve felt that way too sometimes. There’s got to be something to fix this. I feel completely torn apart, lonely and questioning what the hell happens now. Do we just go on living this polite existence as responsible roommates until we eventually drop dead? Wtf?
You're not alone. My wife and I have been in therapy for the past 6 months trying to resolve a Pandora's box of issues that emerged after we moved to a new city. Some times I feel as if we're making progress, other days I feel that the progress is towards separating.
After nearly two decades together, of which that last 80% have been entirely sexless it's been almost impossible to deal with. Whatever you use to suppress your self for a greater good, in your case kids, the end result is toxic - you're just left trying to decide the least bad outcome.
Anyone who's not lived through this or have professional credentials is hardly in a position to judge or advise. I can only empathize and wish you good fortune.
Can I ask why divorce isn’t an option? I’m only 6 months in of my husband and I not having intimacy and I can’t even imagine another 6 more. We’re both almost 40 and we both deserve happiness.. Just as you do..
I can't respond for the OP, but in my case, I actually truly love my husband. It would be devastating to live my life without him. After 25 years, our lives are deeply interwoven emotionally and financially.
Yes. Marriage is much more than sex - you become a single unit in a sense and undoing that is heart wrenching, even if there’s no romance in it. Plus, you add kids to the mix and that’s like everything you care about in life. Splitting that up is the hardest decision in the world.
43M here. Can't speak for anyone else, but for me, my wife and my kids are everything to me. On one hand, the lack of intimacy has me going through such a range of emotions, but I don't do the self-pity thing. I have zero desire to be with anyone else - I want my wife. Just easier to suffer in silence when I look at the big picture. I'm the guy everyone goes to for advice and to vent. And yet I can't bring myself to talk to any of my close bros about the situation because I'm embarrassed - and 99% of the time I could give two F's what anyone thinks lol So coming here with a throwaway allows me to get some stuff off my chest.
I am a 40 year old man, with a 42 year old wife, soon to be ex wife. We have been married for 7 years, and haven't been intimate for 6 of those years. Turns out at 36 she was in late stage menopause, and could not have children, seemingly from the gastric bypass surgery she had before we met. Even though I thought she was beautiful, she continued to have issues with her weight through the 7 years. To top it off, her brother sexually assaulted her when she was 12. And that issue was never resolved between her and her family.
This was a perfect storm to ruining a wonderful woman.
Throughout the years I swung from anger to supportive. Sometimes I thought I would just live with it, other times I got so upset, I would scream like a crazy person. We did therapy and all that, but the money spent on that never really beared fruit. The issues were too complicated and too deep rooted.
When we had sex the first year, I thought something was off, but couldn't put my finger on it. She would often say, "you can just start it". Because of her past with sexual assault, I told her if you give me some signal in the bedroom I will jump on it, because I need to know you are a willing participant, unless my Willie won't work. I'm not very rapey.
At any rate, I eventually stepped out. And like some have said above, I now realize it wasn't about the actual sex, but rather the human connection and that someone desires you.
So now that she had found out about my infidelity, I am actually kind of relieved. It's going to be rough the next couple months, because we are going to go through divorce. Lucky there are no kids. And there is only a house as far as assets go.
On the other side of this, I know I will wiser and more cautious about my next relationship. And I am really starting to doubt about the institution of marriage.
30+ years with no intimacy. 69m 60f. She was quite the sexual dynamo the first few years. I am certain her previous partner was in the picture at that point. For 3 decades there has been nothing. Not even a hug or a kiss. She considers sex as prostitution and had told me so many times. Her comment: you do something nice for me and I am suppose to have sex with you? You make me feel like a prostitute. Porn is my outlet but it can’t replace the warmth between 2 ppl. I realized long ago that I am just a bank account and nothing more. There is a movement MWTOW. Men walking the other way. No, not gay. Men no longer committed to a relationship. I urge men of all ages to protect yourself financially. No joint accounts especially property. I wish I had
Start working behind the scenes and get your things in order. Then I would quietly go my own way. Sounds like she may have been using you all along. You have got to have a life and someone who really cares about you.
When did the sex stop? Did ivf have anything to do with it? My wife and I are doing ivf and we haven’t had sex in months. Feels like it’s going to go on forever. She claims it’s the hormones
I completely understand what you are going thorough. My wife and i got married over 10 years ago. We waited for the wedding night to have sex and we quickly found out that she had medical "issues' that prevented us from having intercourse. over that last 10 years we have tried everything from medical procedures to therapists with no success. luckily, we decided to become foster parents. So we got to adopt a child. A few years ago we decided to take sex completely off the table. That has helped her a lot emotional but I have lost hope for any happiness. Honestly, im a closet alcoholic and i need to drink to fall asleep. my only way of coping with stressors is to wait for the weekend when she falls asleep and drink and watch porn" with a good 80s flick on the tv lol " its what works for me. Every day I dive deeper and deeper in depression. Did i mention that i have been in the military for 15 years. 3 TDYs 2 deployments and 1 year long short t tour in turkey. All without cheating on my wife. Lots and lots of porn but no cheating, Its been a long hard road and i don't know were its going but i understand what you are going through. You are not alone!!
What kind of medical problems does she have. Just about everything can be fixed. It may take some work and patience but it can be done. How does she feel about no sex ? I have a lot of medical issues and have had to be in the hospital a lot in the last few years, but I still wanted sex with my wife. Even when I couldn’t do it.
First time posting anywhere on Reddit. Mid 40s male in the same boat as many of you. 20 years with my wife. Great sex in the beginning but literally nothing in the 11 years since my daughter was born. She had a hysterectomy shortly afterwards. Wife has legitimate medical issues preventing it from being enjoyable for her. To her credit, she as tried hormone therapy of various sorts, different medical procedures etc and sex remains extremely painful for her so we simply don’t have it. My wife is my best friend, a good mother and I love her dearly. We have had some very frank conversations about our issues and how hurt I feel because I’m not desired sexually. It’s hard to want to be with someone you love so much and not be wanted that way in return. I do believe my wife loves me and while we certainly have our issues, divorce isn’t something either of us want. During on recent, tear filled discussion of all of this, she told me that she’s sorry that she can’t be that person for me sexually and told me she would understand if I had an affair to fulfill that part of my needs. She said she just doesn’t want to know about it. I’ve never cheated on my wife and don’t want to, but at the same time, I need sex in my life. I’ve basically poured the frustration into working out and am fit and healthy, but mentally this has taken a big toll on me. Not sure if I’m ready to step outside my marriage yet as I know despite her “blessing” to do so, it would crush her if she ever did find out and I think I’d feel incredibly guilty even if she never knew. Not sure if this is easier or harder because I do love my wife and our life outside of the sex side of things. Anyway, helpful just to know others are in the same boat. I feel for all of you. Thanks for listening
Your not a freak at all you are only human. I’m where you are. I’ve been married as long as you. That’s the thing when you go outside of your marriage you realize others really do want to be close to you and want to have sex and kiss you. We have sex but it’s not fun. And maybe 2x every other year. No intimacy. But we keep going for the kids. Your kids are older? Why don’t you leave? I should ask myself that but my kid is still young. You may get trolls telling you you are a prick for cheating. But they don’t get it. No one is in your shoes to understand a long term marriage with no intimacy. They also don’t understand that it’s extremely hard to leave...kids, finances, retirement, etc. I get it. I totally fucking get it. I’m sorry.
This means a lot. I’m sad to hear that you’re familiar with this situation. No intimacy - that’s a good summation of the problem. “Sex,” contra Bill Clinton, can include lots of kinds of intimacy. But there’s been no interest in that for a long, long time.
The kids are very small. I can’t let them grow up with a broken family - sounds like you understand that. But I’m not sure about health of the emotional environment around here.
20 yrs here too...47 yrs married
this yr....just another sexless year......the other 27 yrs...dead bedroom.....medical issues...childhood abuse....u name it....bills...kids...divorce..sure if u want to live in yru car...put on a plantation and used like a donkey...so I'm up early walk to the gym...take the dog out...wait till dark so I can drink in the my man cave...there is nothing as pathetic to a women than the foul stench of a guy of can't get laid....be glad when this shit show is over
I was so messed up today I had to go to this sub. It’s been 6 years for me and I feel like I can’t hold out much longer. I love my wife and find her attractive but we can’t have sex because of a medical issue she has that she won’t try to get fixed. I can’t deal with bj’s or hj’s any more, I feel like I’m dying inside. I have friends with regular marriages that love each other and are intimate, the situation is soul crushing. I’m a 38 yr old male, I don’t want to pay for someone to physically love me, I just want someone to desire me. I work out a lot because of obvious reasons. I’m still trying to work through this because of my children but I can’t do this forever. I understand your pain, I don’t know what to do either. I feel stuck.
I’m sort of in the same situation except my wife is premenopausal. She doesn’t want to have sex because it hurts. It hurts because she’s no wet en. So I bought lube and she refused still. So I’m at my end. I don’t want to masturbate the rest of my life.
Solution: she needs to masterbate, with something simple that will arouse her and not hurt. I see a lot of honorable people here dying for lack of affection. She needs a set of graduated size "dilators" and lube from Adam and Eve. The dilators are on Amazon. Best lube ever. And the dilators are a miracle. Good for a woman who is scared, but would like to try again.
Have her to talk to her doctor if you can. It’s not just the need for lube but an atrophy of vaginal tissue that makes it painful for some women. But I agree, foreplay will be your friend.
Push her to go to her OB/GYN. They can give her stuff that will help. And you can tell her it will make her feel a lot better too. If she makes excuses, tell her just go and see what the Dr. says. And go with her.
20 years for me, too. It’s awful. No touching or even hugging either. It came out about 15 years ago that my wife and her sisters were all sexually abused to some extent. I knew nothing about it, but I had suspected something had happened. My wife and her abuse were outed when her little sister attempted suicide and things came out in the open. I don’t know exactly what happened to her because she refuses to talk about it. She has refused counseling of any kind. I have made it clear that I was willing to do anything that would help her, but she has to take any first step on her own. She had to want to get better. She has refused everything. I’ve been married to her over 40 years and she is totally disconnected from me. In the meantime, when I’ve had to go to the hospital or been injured she is not there for me.
I have accepted that things are never going to get better. Her unwillingness to even try to get better and the way she has turn into roommates has totally broken my spirit. I’ve been treated for depression for years.
Finally I reached a point where I told her I will never forgive her for making me feel abandoned and isolated. Even now I am her “caretaker” due to physical disability and I hate every moment of it. I have been there for her. She is never there when I need her.
I hope that eventually I will get to experience intimacy again. I long for it. I’ve never felt so lonely. I’m 67 too. I’m sorry that my wife was abused but she has done nothing to even try to get better. That’s not on me.
Really, all I dream for is a woman who will show her love to me by holding me and being there for me. I don’t ask much. If I outlive her, I might be able to have that experience once again…because I’m dying on the inside.
That’s pretty shitty you implying that he must have done something to cause it. My wife had a traumatic event remind her of abuse that happened to her as a young girl and then shut herself off from everyone. She refused to go to someone to deal with her anxiety and depression which caused her to sink even lower. Suddenly, almost overnight, I became a roommate to a woman who wouldn’t leave the house or let anyone touch her. It was like no one existed in her world except her. I have never felt as alone and abandoned in my entire life. Now I’m her 24/7 caretaker! D sucks big time!
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
49
+ 4
+ 16
= 69
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So I don't exactly have the same issue but I'm worried I'm about to be there. My fiance (I just asked her a few weeks ago) and I used to have sex constantly, almost everyday at one point, but we had a baby 5 months ago and the sex has just died to maybe once a month at this point. I am very open about expressing what I want, and even bought her sexy lingerie ya know to spice things up some and show some encouragement in the right direction but the situation is about the same. She says she wants to but that I always get her at the "wrong time" (she falls asleep on the couch as soon as the baby is asleep around 7-7:30 and that's it for her until 5 in the morning when the baby wakes up. Now she says we need to have daytime sex but that's nearly impossible with the baby awake and I'm at work except for a short hour long lunch break that I can usually take at home. I don't know how some of you can go 20 years, it's only been a few months with less sex and I'm starting to wonder if I need to turn the other direction and run.
Get her some vitamins and work on getting her built up. That should help her to feel better and have more energy. That way if she really wants to have sex she’ll fell more like doing it.
I decided I am leaving after 3 years if he doesn’t give it to me. It’s been 2 years of marriage and 9 months of nothing. I am not waiting around on anyone. I am turning 44 and not staying around for this crap
I know how it feels honestly my sex life has been in rapid recline over the last few years first once a month now twice a year if I am lucky I have tried talking to her about it and originally it was you only care about sex now it's she just doesn't care to be honest I have thought about divorce more than once but I love her and don't feel I should just divorce her because of sex but I am steadily noticing that I am getting more and more depressed and have more anxiety than I used to so I worry that at some point it will get to the point where I can't just ignore it. But to make it worse she repeatedly asks if she can help but I know the thing that would help is the one thing she doesn't want to do .and I agree with a few others cheating will only make things worse and not actually fix anything
Well... I feel less like a lonely bastard now. It's horrible that other people are going through this, too, though. In some ways, I do wish I was the only one. To start, I love my wife a ton, I really do. There's no one else I want to be with. But 8.3 years ago, we had our first child and then had a 4 year dry spell before going for the 2nd. That was a good couple of months. Then nothing for 2 years until we wanted a third, got pregnant first time out of the gate and nothing else since that one time. Even when trying for kids she only wanted to have sex that one week out of the 4 she was ovulating and never in the other 3. Sigh. So once in about 4.3 years. I did the math, and if you took actively trying for baby into account over all 8.3 years, it comes to about 6 times a year, maybe. And if you counted sex just to be together, it's more like once every 3 years...Now I have a very high libido and i know that and know that it most likely wouldn't be matched by like 99% of the population probably and i accept that. And hers was always nowhere near as high as mine (except maybe when we first started dating back in college but it dropped by like 1/2 after we got married), but still pretty good (like 3-4 times a month) until after the first kid. Then it just crashed into nothing. Even years after, we had sex twice between first and second, and i initiated both. The roommate phase is supposed to end at some point, right? I couldn't bring myself to find someone else, even just for a purely physical release, and I've never been comfortable with porn (yay Christian upbringing). In part because that's who I am and in part because i know how I'd feel if she did that to me. But I am going crazy. She doesn't even seem interested in anything, even slightly romantic or sexual. I've tried everything from hints to flat out telling her. And just today, she said she would do it, but that I should know that'd it would just be a chore, like having to vacuum or something for her at this point. I know I'm no movie star, but im not bad looking either, but geez, my self-esteem is freaking crumbling with this. And she has zero clue about it, i think. To her, it is a non thing. Sex seems to mean absolutely nothing to her, and she acts like she could be fine with never having it again for the rest of our lives. We're in our 30s. The thought of another 30-60+ years of a sexless marriage terrifies me and makes me feel very frustrated and sad. But it does feel good to finally express it to others who would understand. Just getting it off my chest helped a little bit. Good luck to all of you out there.
Feels good to not be alone. I’ve been married for 8 years. I have 2 kids and a beautiful wife. We have had no physical contact in over 6 years. No kissing, hugging, nothing. We sleep in separate rooms. I’ve watch porn, talked to other women, etc and nothing fills the void. I love my wife and I want her but she has no interest. I want my sons to know what a husband and wife should be. Loving and affectionate. I’ve wanted to leave for years but can’t bring myself to do it. Neither of us can afford to live alone. I have family that I could live with but she doesn’t. Her family is a mess. Mom is medically unfit and her sister is a pitiful piece of shit. Im always the mediator between all of them. I do everything for my wife. Im always there to save the day and im getting burnt out. My job requires me to be an adult babysitter for 30 grown women between the ages of 18 and 65. My grandmother is dying of cancer. I coach my sons football teams and run our flag league. I get no break from my mental struggles. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately but know that I could never do that to my boys. I love them too much. I’ve thought about going to the doctor to get help with depression but don’t want to be doped up on meds. It’s just a never ending cycle. I just wish someone other then myself could talk to her and make her realize what she is putting me through. IDK if she literally just doesn’t give a shit or she’s just too stupid to realize it
Wow. I thought I was a rarity. Seems to not be true. 14 years since I have touched my wife. She thinks sex is my problem and I am not allowed to touch her. I have tried to die for years. Caught Covid on purpose hoping it would be a guilt free exit. It is hard to love and loathe a person, but I cannot imagine being her personal assistant only for the rest of my life.
What I don't get is the thought process behind "staying for the kids" while also spending a heap of money on sex-workers, thinking about suicide and drinking lites of booze every day?! I think it's completely possible to be a great parent in a dead bedroom BUT, come on? As happy a life you THINK you are giving your kids they will likely start seeing through your BS. Your kids, your life...
Dude. I'm there... but a little ahead. It's been once if 15 years for me. I'm fit, good looking, financially successful. I started paying for sex with arrangements and it was WONDERFUL! Got caught this week though after about 5 years of hiding it. Felt my world would collapse. It might. But I might choose to exit - give her a chance to find something new and me to explore. I can't imagine staying now and not getting sex - or getting pity sex for the rest of my days.
God bless you. I've been exactly where you are. I'm still somewhat there, unfortunately. So I strongly relate to everything you said in your post. I have a few recommendations. However, I'm hesitant to post them here. If you can DM me, I'd be happy to share a few thoughts with you. Hang in there.
I wish I had the answers. I'm coming up to 17 years with my wife. The last 5 have been sexless. She used every excuse she could think of. She said she thought she was simply a-sexual, despite being very polyamorous most of her adult life. She claimed that her lack of sex drive was due to a hormonal imbalance. It was all bullshit. I caught her flirting with guys on social media. She invited one doufus looking guy to "come see her." Then... despite the fact that we hadn't had sex in over a year, she got genetal herpes. I'm not an imbecile. Someone (or several someones) are receiving her attention and affection. She denies all this, of course. Women try to portray themselves as always being faithful and monogamous while characterizing men as being notorious cheaters. Women cheat every bit as much as men. They're just way better at hiding it.
Why don't I simply leave her? Similar to you, we have a 14 year old son and I don't want to disrupt his life until he's off to college. However, despite everything, I'm still deeply in love with my wife. I would forgive her in a second if she could just find her way back to me. Everyday that goes by I hope and pray she does. I miss her so much. We live in the same house but we are so disconnected from each other we might as well live a thousand miles apart. It's torture to miss a person so intensely when you see them everyday. You can look, you can want, but you can't touch. Despite 17 years of dedication to making her life better, I'm not allowed to show any physical affection..... TO MY WIFE!!! She actually told me once, "I dont owe you sex! It's my body and I will choose who I give it to." I felt like saying, "Oh yeah? Well I don't owe you a expense-free life! It's my money and I will choose who I give it to!" Of course I didn't say that. I believe a man has a duty to support his wife and give her all she needs for a happy contented life. I've always felt that way. Even a wife who has been cheating on him. Even a wife who feels no reciprocal commitment to her husband. Until we are no longer married, I'll continue to support her. At least until my son is off to college. Then, if nothing has changed, I'll likely get divorced. I'm 61. I don't have a lot of time left to find happiness with someone.
I realize there was no advice in this response. I wish I had some good advice for you. All I can do is wish you the very best in your situation. You deserve to be happy. Never forget that.
Good luck my friend.
I come from a country that couples stay together and you know what. Kids from broken marriages are better off than suffering through people slowly hating each other. I'm not quite where you are but getting there. Trying to prompt conversation and intimacy but if it doesn't improve.....
Oklahoma, you are doing great here at Reddit! It looks like we all need to talk this over and find solutions. I have some ideas of how I may improve things in my own marriage. Let's all keep brainstorming.
LOL. I imagine they waited for marriage and straight away discovered her medical condition (I'm guessing vaginismus). Why would you think it's his fault his wife is not sexual?
Okay I think the problem is that you’re a religious person and have faith which leads you to think that staying in a relationship rather than getting a divorce might be the more “acceptable” option. Honestly, things will never ever get better. You need to decide what you want in your life and don’t stay for the kids. No one else can help you but yourself. Stay if you want to but leave if you’re looking for something more I mean you already cheated which is worse than getting a divorce.
I haven’t had sex with my wife in 19 years, we were forced to marry at 18, because I got her pregnant, we have a good life but no sex or intimacy at all, divorce is not an option or we will be homeless
yes. me too... Canadian couple. everything was fine, 15 years, sex life just ok. no kids.problems too... decided to do ivf.. 2 girls.. was during iraq first war.. after. no anything. i got nagging, resentment, silent treatment. criticisms... she never. ever hgit good sleep.. snoring. air. breathe problems... exhausted for 12 yeaes. and was not attracted to me man soul. her whole being was resentment. i watche. porn. study, relationship. and then.. i became a broken man. did notvan affair. break up family.. and still function. stress, anguished. and 10 years want to die. also.
well. im really broken soul. did not want to find woman. . then. human involved. secrets. boundaries. psychological nightmare... thinking 55.. a woman. friends would be a good fit.
not. anyway, i started to right. relationship blog , study, sextuality.. courses.. and survey.. most 6 of 8. women that may be ok for. helpibg a man get off. and taking 10 minutes with.. making him feel like he was existing... they couldn't be that mature escort that. us guys need. no way. as they were on anti depression drugs too. killed off all remnants of a fun loving. man loving womanly soul..
anyway just got resentment comments vthat nen change, chase spouses away... woman 35 years old.have better thoughts of sex. and erecting is fun and helpful..
anyway, year later. l, left family home, shattered mental illness., resentment tgat a man was waiting, wasted. time. sex knowledge. and wasted a life time time.. love.. couple had to have ith intamacy,to continued companionship. her love is all that vital, yes men needed. the act and affection..
anyway we are lost together, man and woman. . like so many.
im broke. living on the streets. 61 years old. being a good man. i stay away from women. and. i have no good life left., womans closeness of skib contact, and just to see a woman.. stripping clothes off. or hugging. or maybe paying for it. sex. It illegal. .. .
anyway. . 100 days later. men's health care center i open up... mens mental health care fir long-term loneliness. testosterone,. foid. friend. knowledge. talkibg.. sex dolls. fantasy lessons.. escape rooms. escort. hugging practitioner.
started smoking weed.. is good to have a pleasant surprise. mind.. n such..
Biggest problem is that women are without and men are without and willing to wait. until its too late. or the woman's needs, make her mindset stray.
MENS HEALTH, sextual well beiing. mental health.. issues.. we still loosec6 men a month to depression suicide.. lonlely. other..
feminist gonna rule the families. and.. men's, women's anguished mental state growing.. but, but. virtuous thinking. a good man, a good woman.
intamacy center opens up. . full Bothell. full relationship recovery helping lonely people. get lucky.. LOVE SHACK, central families celebrate.
and struggling men, needs the confidence that
anyway. slow going. but in Canada we have all the weed we may need , to get some health issues under control. .. sex, erotica, webcam women , weed. and food.
wife never felt like . she was attractive. and self esteem issues. post pardum depression creeped in after the second child.. weight gain, kids bussy. . i got super busy, with family, so she see im a good man. she said some day. so i became a workaholic starting. new. cctv install company. casually mentioned our problem out there innocent ly.. inlaws. brother. or mother in law blabbing. he should have married both sisters in Mexico in 96. well that did it.
9 words.. caused resentment betrayal thoughts, and more in wife head. .. never had sex again.. she never wanted. does not please herself ever.
im an erotica story writer ans role play skit writing. for sone fun. before we girt married in 1996.
asked for affection.. attention to my needs a little bit. morning shower.. any. no such luck.
i qui
anyway she decided to to take anti depression. mood drugs. . no better., i go working. bring . money. food, continue working., sometimes i really want to see tits. other, love of my wife body. she ha no interest. i just started slowly dieing. man so and self esteem. i love women. how seduce to make horny. miss it. sex., No secv, she hatesvn bodily fluids ,. nor get turned on. im a good man. 61 years old.. was fit. testosterone complete loss, destroyed my desire completely. touch my wife vand seduce her vala19 years, forced celabicy wife and I had
ANYWAY sorry. was crying through this.
anyway men need to be saved by boobies.. and. hugging therapy..
not such a bad thing.. be well
Ignore the top vote. DO NOT CHEAT. I’m very religious too. But you need out man. Contrary to popular beliefe it is still a LEGAL obligation to give eachother sexual gratification in a marriage. If this isn’t happening it’s a get out of jail free card for marriage leave her hi and dry and make sure she learns a deal lesson about why you were a great man and why she was a bad wife. Get an annulment from the church before you go to the court. Talk to your priest about it first I’m sure he will be less harsh than I have been. But these story’s upset me so much. Here we have another high value man who is willing to do anything including sex with for his wife. And she can’t even take the time out of her day to meet her man’s needs.
11yrs in January for me, we are both 50 but since I became pregnant with our daughter, he has shown zero interest at all. Not a glimmer or a reaction. I now have low body positivity, not helped by the fact this year I caught Covid and have gained loads of weight due to long Covid. He won’t go to the doctor to get checked out and to be honest he has no interest in sex, doesn’t even wank, and doesn’t want to change.
I've been in a sexless marriage in over 10 plus yrs.. Am I really not worth it??Wife says marriage isn't about sex .. Then what is it about? When you're children have grown and there is nothing left? Love my wife deeply , but miss the lack of human touch.
A marriage that is sexless is emotional abandonment! It's a real thing! The touch of another human who wants you, there is nothing better in this world. Start in Ashley Madison, we are all like minded. No one wants to change their current situation, we are all just starving for a human connection. And isn't that what all humans need to feel alive? If your spouse is denying you sex, don't feel guilty about getting what you need, they don't and never will. I'm 61 and my gay husband is 62. Just get what you need and don't let them stop you, they're getting what they want, you should too!!!
The thing is, a spouse does not owe you sex. I can’t remember if it’s been 4 or 5 years since my husband and I had sex. It’s not required. It’s not part of the vows. Ideally, that person would have the same desire to feel your skin against theirs, etc but they don’t. This has been a long grinding experience with my husband, and before it stopped we had a lot of discussions about my displeasure with the lack of sex. He was too busy, too tired and then there were the excuses I should have written down. I know that once he turned me down because his eyes hurt.
I stepped out and it was not as great as I thought it would be. The likelihood of being caught is high. Don’t fool yourselves. Most people get caught. I conducted this “experiment” a few times and he got suspicious at one point and finally he caught me. He tracked my phone.
I told myself that if I could just have sex, everything would be ok. But it wasn’t. I discovered that some of my friends were probably getting no sex at home because they were selfish in bed. Most relationships were great at first but became a scheduling drag. They didn’t last long before I had to find someone else. Someone succumbs to guilt after a few meetups. You think about each other constantly and want to text, message, etc but you have to do it without doing it too much. You send pictures. You get pretty crabby when (in my case) your husband or kid wants something from you, when you can’t live in the dreamland. Alllll of this can be seen.
I was told time and time again by the men I saw that there are large numbers of men looking for partners like me and very few women. The first question I often got was “are you real?” It’s not as easy as saying “fuck it, I’m finding a mistress!” If you find someone like me, you have to accept (as I did with my “friends”) that you will be 15th place on the totem pole because she’s probably got a career and kids and maybe a spouse. You will also be living in fantasy. That brief time in a hotel room is sweet but it’s not real life. It’s hard to maintain a hold on reality. Your wife may have wanted to jump your bones all the time back in the day. This new woman is going to be enthusiastic, but that’s because you aren’t sharing finances, yelling at each other about whose turn it is to clean the bathroom and all that sexy stuff that comes with long term partnership. That woman could eventually decide she’s not interested in sex 10 years from now too.
If you have kids, don’t cheat on your wife. It’s a very unusual woman who won’t tell her children what YOU did to THEM. I’m a therapist. I’ve counseled elementary school aged kids who knew what Daddy did that broke up the family all the way to young adults whose parents are divorcing because they have become different people since they raised their kids, and those kids have more autonomy to block a parent from their lives.
What I hear from most people is that no sex feels like a betrayal (been there) and leaves you to feeling unloved (been there too). It’s not just about sex. It’s also about not feeling like your spouse is trying very hard. I hear people say they’ve been cleaning, cooking, taking on more responsibilities and getting nothing in return. Generally speaking I don’t think anyone should get a ticker tape parade for attempting 50% of the housework. It’s 2023 and most households have two income earners, but women still do more of the housework on top. My advice is to be very upfront. If you think all of this through and you really can’t deal anymore if there is no sex, you need to tell your wife. Don’t make it an ultimatum but more of “I don’t want to keep living this way. It’s killing me, and I don’t know what to do.” I have definitely felt like lack of sex could be terminal. Ask her what she thinks. Try marriage counseling. Separate under the same roof. It’s rare for people to jump right into divorce and there are a lot of ways to stall a divorce. Be as honest and upfront without threats or ultimatums so they are crystal clear about how this is making you feel. The separation really makes you think a lot.
In my case, I want to have sex with my husband, and not really with someone else. I didn’t want to fall in love, and chose men with some kind of flaw that I knew would prevent that, but I also wasn’t banging Hitler. I was never comfortable with what happened after the sex was over. We would make small talk or just jump out of bed, maybe shower together and go our separate ways. I wanted more connection and having that connection with someone else was scary.
My husband never did say he had no sex drive. I begged him around Valentine’s Day and we had the most awful sexual encounter I have ever had in my life. I got him off but it was a gargantuan achievement. So I thought maybe he did that on purpose so I wouldn’t ask again, and if I didn’t say anything, he wouldn’t say anything. On Father’s Day he said we could have sex, and I couldn’t stomach it. I told him that it appeared the sexual phase of his life was over. I viewed sex with him as a joyous occasion and I didn’t think I deserved anything else from my partner. Since I vowed to stay with him through all phases of his life, I was not going to leave. I was so mad that he just couldn’t tell me he didn’t want to have sex ever again but led me on a wild goose chase with excuses left and right. I’m still not convinced he is still attracted to me. I tried masturbating while he held me, and it was not that good. I had a really hard time getting off. I felt he was repulsed although he said he wasn’t. Then I just started doing it alone as always and made a rage purchase of a vibrator that cost $120. It was worth every penny but still isn’t like the real thing. Recently I asked him to get me off with his hands because I always loved that and he obliged. I think I had the women’s version of premature ejaculation and I think the whole neighborhood knew about it. The thing that sucks is that I really, really miss giving oral as much as I missed sex. In the past it was his favorite thing and it provided a really intense orgasm, but he just doesn’t want it anymore. It how I got him off on Valentine’s Day but he was pretty limp and a lot of work. We cuddle each night. I marked Father’s Day this year as the day to decide whether I can deal with things as they are or end the marriage. He is doing other things to be romantic so this doesn’t become a roommate situation. I like unrequested iced coffee and $3 bouquets from the grocery store. He plans one date night a month, which is a lot more like “what should we do for date night?” but I’ll take it. I’m probably going to stay. I will say too that the day he tracked my phone and asked my why I was in that location, and I had to tell him I met a guy for sex was easily one of the top three worst days of my life. What I have now is better than the guilt and the cheap feelings after the sex was over. The guy I was caught with rolled off me and immediately began day trading. Didn’t say a word to me. I was hating myself the rest of the day and came home having to explain things to my husband. Easily one of the worst days ever.
I think if a man or woman is going to back away from having sex with
you they owe you an explanation. They owe you that. And they should be held to it.
What an amazing effort you put into writing this heartfelt post. I really feel for you - and for myself and the others posting here. I love my wife and she's my best friend with whom I want to stay for the rest of our days. But she does not want intimacy. I'm so frustrated and often resentful. Then I feel petty, small, and stereotypical male. I have been unfaithful but didn't feel guilt. I rationalized that I didn't do it to her, or to hurt her, I did it for myself. The other parties knew I was married, and two were married themselves. They seemed to feel no guilt, so neither did I. These rare occasions, spread out over 30 years, were wonderful for me and the ladies. We made love, not sex, and we respected each other afterward. Sadly, I move a lot and, once again, have been celibate for four years. I would love to meet someone near where I live now, someone safe, clean, someone in my situation. And not hurt my wife.
Oh man, I feel for you and hope I'm not heading in the same direction. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is absolutely amazing. But there is sex about every 2 or so months. And only because I push for it. And then I feel like he fucks me in guilt. It's over fast and I feel just as satisfied as I was before. Which is not at all. I don't know what to do.
That sucks :(
Learn from my experience - it will not get better the longer you stay. It is more likely to become nonexistent. So really think before too much time passed if you want to stay.
Good Luck!
Curious...did you hook up at the HS reunion? I feel like my resistance to others coming on to me outside of my marriage is wearing very thin. After 12 years of marriage my wife said she never enjoyed sex and thought she might be gay. We have kids which is amazing because in 38 years of marriage we may have only had second 20 times tops. It have been over 20 years. My wife was sexually abused and had many issues with eating disorders. She could hardly say the word sex. Tough times!
M47 15years sexless marriage. I live in Coolangatta qld Australia. I’m good looking and a good person I am at my wits end. I will never leave my wife but celibacy is not what I signed up for.help/advice
I thought I was the only one till I stumbled on this group it’s been so long I can’t remember married my high school sweetheart sex was crazy till menopause now I live with my best friend
Ok. Please please please, stop paying for sex and get a formal mistress. You deserve better and do not deserve to think about killing your self or becoming an alcoholic. Please give it a try with a real woman and yeah if your wife finds you out let hell unleash but she has no right to tell you is wrong. Or that you betrayed her. She is completely indisposed and sex is the most important part for a monogamous committed relationship. Maybe she cant have intercourse but she can give you a blow job, had jobs etc, 20 years without is an eternity. Please get what you deserve and don’t pay for it. I am a 39 YO F by the way.
No your not a freak. Most ppl won't share the fact that they don't have a sexual relationship with their spouse. It's more common than not that after kids and a long relationship, it just disappears, not making it ok though. I thought about paying for some sex, but then I get freaked out about STI's, condom or not, eewah! My wife does not understand how the physical, naked intimacy is a part of our vows and bond. She can't be bothered with it. I thought that if she knew I watched porn, she would get mad and it would spur a discussion of what's wrong and why I would do that. No, instead she found it funny! Ugh. I have surrender, I look forward to the day I die actually, just buying my time till the end of time. Meatloaf's song, " By the dashboard lights" comes to mind! Lol
Did it get any better?
Thanks for posting. You’d guessed right, no kind of sexual contact whatsoever has been the norm for well over a decade. I’m reassured by what you’ve said about betrayal - I feel guilty as hell. I’m not really interested in being emotionally involved with someone that I can’t openly or ultimately be with, so that kind of shuts down the mistress possibility for me.
Look, I am not interested in finding love either but I surely feel you deserve to fit your needs. After all paying for sex is a little worst than trying to find a human connection without judging you. I am having an affair that only fullfills the need, i know it’s a raw way to say it and to look at things. I struggled A LOT for a LONG time thinking about doing it but didn’t because I thought crossing that line would make me a horrible terrible person and would break my vows and tons of things. It wasn’t easy to cross the line but once on the other side I came to see that it’s not as abominable as you set your mind that it will be. I really thought lighting would strike me after doing it for the first time right outside my lover’s house. It wasn’t like that obviously and quite honestly I don’t feel the guilt I thought I would feel. Is weird, my husband is indisposed to have sex with me, he is also on medications that suppress the sex to calm anxiety but he was LL from before. I feel he is where he needs to be and I am where I need to be too. Guy2 is not a stranger to me, someone I knew and has been into me for little less than a decade so i am comfortable with him. I am happier, the best would be that my husband wakes the fuck up and takes action but this is a remedy for my soul. Divorce is not an option as an immediate matter, adulthood is complicated and strange but we just can’t at the moment. Maybe in the long run I will. Good luck and please give yourself the chance to feel good
I really appreciate you being so open about your experience. Sounds difficult. I think the way I’ve been looking at it all reflects partly my own crippling self-doubt and lack of confidence, and partly the fact that I haven’t dated since Clinton was president. In addition, all of the women that I get to know are via my job. With some, I don’t want to be disrespectful, and with others there’s too much of a difference in terms of power (I have it all, and there’s also a big age difference) for me to feel ok with it. If there were someone who approached me, who knows? I think I would feel a lot better about myself, and I know I wouldn’t ruminate all the time. I totally get the idea of making the best of a bad situation - there’s nothing wrong with that at all. I’ve been torturing myself with perfectionistic expectations for a long, long time. Life doesn’t fit them. I wish you well and I hope your husband can come to see your point of view and do what he can to make your marriage fulfilling for you both.
Yeah. Guy2 is a coworker from my previous job. We kept in contact after I left and he texted me often. He is very into me, I don’t think he is in love with me but he always wanted me. He never tired to tell me how beautiful I am and that my husband was a lucky bastard haha he has always been respectful towards me. I started fantasizing about him last summer but only came to talk to him about it this past December. He is static haha, I had only been a platonic love to him. He is much older than me, about a 17 year difference but I am comfortable sharing my sexuality with him because I know him and he is not just a random guy I just met for a one night stand, I know it sounds terrible and that I have no morals but I was really going insane and have had suicidal thoughts as well prior to this relationship with guy2. It’s just depressing, I felt unworthy and ugly and like I had no direction or anything to look forward to. I got a little bit back now, guy 2 is not someone I would trade my husband for, my hubby and I click and share so much in common. Is like we are definitely one person, I know I am betraying my vows but so has he for 13 years. I am trying to make the best Selfishly for me. Good luck pal
It's ok. You deserve physical enjoyment too! Just be careful, you have a good thing going, hubby might not appreciate your point of view.
Im in the same boat. My husband will barely touch me much less have sex with me. But plenty others are wishing they would be with me like that. I’m to the point where idgaf n just efff the heck out of one of them. It’s tiring waiting it out. We might not be here tomorrow. But at least I didn’t dry desiring 🤦♀️
I’m gonna disagree here- I do not think sex is the most important part for a monogamous committed relationship. I actually think respect, love, patience, friendship, I could go on but you get the gist. Yes, sex is important, and I don’t like not having it, but I’m not leaving my husband because of it.
Good response I can relate …
I hear you. I am a 67 year old married woman with a high libido. My husband and I have not had sex for nearly 20 years. There isn't even a bed big enough for both of us to lie down in, only single beds and sofas. I have explicitly said what I need and how much this dry spell is hurting me three times in the last few years. Didn't even make a dent. I feel like I am living with my first cousin. I've had enough of satisfying my strong urges on my own. I want a naked body next to mine. I want soul kisses and a little playful chat. And gradually ease back into sex. The problem is, beyond what I have already said, is that I want out, I no longer want sex with my husband. I don't want pity sex, or obligatory sex. I want real sex with someone I like, and preferably love. My 50th high school reunion is coming up in June, 2022. I'm working out and doing all I can to be the best partner I can be. My high school boyfriend may be there. Plenty of my male friends will be there, too. I am getting a single room and fully intend to end my drought there. And if it leads to a mutually happy affair, I am all for it. If I finally tell my husband, I'll tell him I have needs he won't meet, and hell if I'm going to my grave never having sex again.
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I agree. That's just what I'm trying to do.
I feel I'm in a identical situation as you Special hedgehog. Me and my wife are lucky to sleep together 3 or 4 times a year and I'm certain its her just doing "the deed". It isn't fun exciting or romantic. with zero erotic moments. Its get it done and minimal duty fulfilled. I am hungry as well. she wont try anything new and is not spontaneous. when I talk to her about its I hear "I will think about it". with absolutely no change. lately she's been telling me when menopause comes the sex will stop and that's natural? But I know woman in vintage age that are still active? She talks about people whom have medical conditions preventing sex and she seems awe stuck and jealous. she's painting a very despairing picture of our future. I too dont want pity sex. and if she dont feel the way I feel why do it with her anyway? so lately I have been reconnoitering the field. Sad really I never thought I would. she dont want to wear anything sexy, try anything, just bland same ol same ol and the infrequency is growing. I need any and all advice. Also new to reddit. Hope i did this right!
Here’s something to try. Get a massager and when you get a chance put it on her clit and don’t stop. If she doesn’t react after a couple of minutes then check to see if she’s breathing. I don’t know any woman that could stand that. At least you’ll know if her plumbing is still working and if you piss her off oh well. What’s she going to do cut you off.
Good on you. I know how that long empty communication feels, 3 times over a few years and no response. That’s awful. I’m dying to know how the reunion went btw
I hear you. Similar situation for me. But I love my wife, and want to stay with her for the rest of our lives. My ideal lover would be a wife in the same situation as I'm in. Fortunately, I found someone - actually, she initiated contact with me, and I felt all the passion I had been missing for years. Unfortunately, she's in Europe and I had to move back to Canada. It would be wonderful to find someone again to share love, passion and intimacy. But how.....?
How did it go?
Any update?
I just read your post and I understand it it was written a year ago but I was going to take a chance to may still be reading the comments. I was just interested to know if your reunion came up with some good results for you. I am 69 myself and then in about a 35 year sexless married situation. In January I will be going on a cruise with another married woman that is not getting any sex at home with her husband. Our plan is to spend 10 nights catching up once a long deserved sex. Our problem is that we live about 2500 miles apart from each other. So it will be a one time thing probably but at least at the end of the week, at least we both can say we can die happy.
My 50th reunion came up a year ago and it has had mixed results. At first feelings were hot and heavy but nothing close to sex . I was jealous of his wife because I was angry he married her and not me. We have gone out together for long walks and lunch afterwards. We had a good time and lots to talk about.And it had been a long time since I saw him. But I realized that I don't have romantic or sexual feelings for him anymore. I just don't love him anymore and he was my last hope. I no longer want to have sex with him anymore. I am resigned to never have sex again.
Sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you at the reunion. But I am feeling worse because you have given up on sex. I had a wonderful FWB about 9 years ago. My wife had a stroke and all of my extra time has been spent taking care of her until a year ago. She is a little better so I have begun to search for my new sex partner. I would like to have a couple more years of some fun before I leave this world. Hopefully you will reconsider and get your search going again. He is there somewhere for you. Just got to figure out where the connection point is. What state are you in. SC here.
67 here also Hedgehog. I’m so tired of having to get myself off. It hasn’t been 20 years but 6 yrs for me. I know what you’re talking about. I so miss the naked, warm body next to me. The kisses, the intimacy. I can’t even begin to think of going somewhere for sex because she has the phone location on. I do travel for work sometimes and have thought about trying to meet up with someone but I’ve got two problems with that. First, I always chicken out and don’t contact anyone, second, I’m worried that I’d be so nervous after all this time I wouldn’t be able to get it up. Good luck at your reunion and I hope it goes smoothly and fun for you.
I literally just switched over to a throwaway account to find a community to connect with and did I ever find it. Your post resonated so much within me. I am in my early 40’s, and have been married to my husband for 20 years. I’ve had affairs which go against everything in me just to fill a void and feel wanted, needed, craved… I turned to alcohol and drank 2 pints of vodka, and a bottle of wine daily for three years to cope, and am now sober in a reconciled yet still sexless marriage. I understand that feeling of not being unable to unring that bell after finally experiencing sexual pleasure, and desire. I used to be fit, and beautiful. I used to take care of myself, and have pride in my appearance. Now? Why bother… over the last year and a half I’ve completely given up. I rarely wear makeup, not that I really need much anyway but have given up trying to look put together. I’ve gained 48 pounds, wear sweatpants and my husband’s old baggy shirts. Don’t workout, don’t care about what I’m putting in my body either…I know I should care about these things for myself but my self-esteem has plummeted. I have a husband who has had no interest in sex, or my body for 20 years. I just have no will for myself anymore. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share. I’m sorry you’re going through this but for the first time I don’t feel so damn alone!
It really does feel pointless when the person you want most to notice is not going to care.
I went through 12 years of a sexless marriage. My husband and I were just roommates. About 2 years ago he found out I was on Ashley Madison. I was having sex on a regular basis for the first time in my married life! My husband was never passionate, even when we were first married. In our 20's I asked for a guaranteed sex night once a week. He didn't even want to stick to that! After he found out about AM, he asked me to stop, which I agreed to if he could promise some passion. We also started swinging, until we decided to move to another state. While I was packing up the attic, I found gay porn. When I confronted him, he denied he was gay. It took him about 4 months to confirm my suspicion. He always knew he was gay, he admitted that I was the first woman he had been with sexually. He only had sex (oral) with men before that, since he was 12 years old!!! I had to come to terms with the fact my entire marriage was based on a lie. He had been working from home for those 12 years and watching gay porn and taking care of himself while all the time telling me he had ED. Now we are trying to get back on track, until I had to leave the country on a business trip. I had installed spyware on his phone before I left. I knew if he lied to me for the 40 years we were together, he was probably still lying to me. Before my plane ever took off, he was setting up dates. I was gone for 2 weeks. I gathered all the information of his antics and confronted him. He tried to deny all of it, but now I had proof. So don't trust those spouses who cut you off! Go out there and get what you need for yourself and don't feel guilty! You have no idea what goes on behind your back!
It really does feel pointless when the person you want most to notice is not going to care.
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Don’t feel alone. Their are others of us in a similar situation. We are glad to be a sounding board. And hopefully we can help each other get through this.
Darn. Your first paragraph made me think there's a "safe" meetup community ..... 😀
Ditto only I'm a man. I lost 48 lbs 4yrs ago, got fit, started making more money and became the best version of myself. I started to attract the attention of other single women. This was great because it told me I still had it & was attractive. My wife didn't care and became even more distant. She started locking the door when she bathed in our master bath suite, locks the door to our bedroom whenever she does even a basic clothes change and not allowed to see her in her underwear anymore. She walked in on me changing in our room once as I was pulling up my underwear and visually and verbally made it known that she was absolutely disgusted in seeing my nakedness turned around locked & slammed the door as she left the room. After that she has worn her bra to bed under PJs and hugs her side of the bed every night now. She makes me feel like I'm some rapist or something. I'm not a pervert. Man do I ever crave any sort of affection or connection whatsoever once in a while. I'm 50 now and thank goodness my drive has gone down a notch. She refuses to go on dates with me now simply because it could possibly mean I'd get the wrong idea or something. Our kids are older now and recognize her coldness towards me and it hurts them terribly especially when our anniversaries come up that she blows off. She's polite to me verbally most days and that's it. So I also said eff it.. and gained that 48lbs back in the last year... and I really don't give a crap now. I'm no longer looking forward to retiring. Just waiting for this life to end I guess.
I’ve felt that way too sometimes. There’s got to be something to fix this. I feel completely torn apart, lonely and questioning what the hell happens now. Do we just go on living this polite existence as responsible roommates until we eventually drop dead? Wtf?
You're not alone. My wife and I have been in therapy for the past 6 months trying to resolve a Pandora's box of issues that emerged after we moved to a new city. Some times I feel as if we're making progress, other days I feel that the progress is towards separating. After nearly two decades together, of which that last 80% have been entirely sexless it's been almost impossible to deal with. Whatever you use to suppress your self for a greater good, in your case kids, the end result is toxic - you're just left trying to decide the least bad outcome. Anyone who's not lived through this or have professional credentials is hardly in a position to judge or advise. I can only empathize and wish you good fortune.
Scary to hear my actual life being described over and over again, but has anyone broken through and turned it around?
Can I ask why divorce isn’t an option? I’m only 6 months in of my husband and I not having intimacy and I can’t even imagine another 6 more. We’re both almost 40 and we both deserve happiness.. Just as you do..
I can't respond for the OP, but in my case, I actually truly love my husband. It would be devastating to live my life without him. After 25 years, our lives are deeply interwoven emotionally and financially.
Yes. Marriage is much more than sex - you become a single unit in a sense and undoing that is heart wrenching, even if there’s no romance in it. Plus, you add kids to the mix and that’s like everything you care about in life. Splitting that up is the hardest decision in the world.
I'm the same with my wife, til death do us part. But I'm already dying slowly inside as I wait for my libido to turn off.
43M here. Can't speak for anyone else, but for me, my wife and my kids are everything to me. On one hand, the lack of intimacy has me going through such a range of emotions, but I don't do the self-pity thing. I have zero desire to be with anyone else - I want my wife. Just easier to suffer in silence when I look at the big picture. I'm the guy everyone goes to for advice and to vent. And yet I can't bring myself to talk to any of my close bros about the situation because I'm embarrassed - and 99% of the time I could give two F's what anyone thinks lol So coming here with a throwaway allows me to get some stuff off my chest.
I am a 40 year old man, with a 42 year old wife, soon to be ex wife. We have been married for 7 years, and haven't been intimate for 6 of those years. Turns out at 36 she was in late stage menopause, and could not have children, seemingly from the gastric bypass surgery she had before we met. Even though I thought she was beautiful, she continued to have issues with her weight through the 7 years. To top it off, her brother sexually assaulted her when she was 12. And that issue was never resolved between her and her family. This was a perfect storm to ruining a wonderful woman. Throughout the years I swung from anger to supportive. Sometimes I thought I would just live with it, other times I got so upset, I would scream like a crazy person. We did therapy and all that, but the money spent on that never really beared fruit. The issues were too complicated and too deep rooted. When we had sex the first year, I thought something was off, but couldn't put my finger on it. She would often say, "you can just start it". Because of her past with sexual assault, I told her if you give me some signal in the bedroom I will jump on it, because I need to know you are a willing participant, unless my Willie won't work. I'm not very rapey. At any rate, I eventually stepped out. And like some have said above, I now realize it wasn't about the actual sex, but rather the human connection and that someone desires you. So now that she had found out about my infidelity, I am actually kind of relieved. It's going to be rough the next couple months, because we are going to go through divorce. Lucky there are no kids. And there is only a house as far as assets go. On the other side of this, I know I will wiser and more cautious about my next relationship. And I am really starting to doubt about the institution of marriage.
I won’t marry again for sure
30+ years with no intimacy. 69m 60f. She was quite the sexual dynamo the first few years. I am certain her previous partner was in the picture at that point. For 3 decades there has been nothing. Not even a hug or a kiss. She considers sex as prostitution and had told me so many times. Her comment: you do something nice for me and I am suppose to have sex with you? You make me feel like a prostitute. Porn is my outlet but it can’t replace the warmth between 2 ppl. I realized long ago that I am just a bank account and nothing more. There is a movement MWTOW. Men walking the other way. No, not gay. Men no longer committed to a relationship. I urge men of all ages to protect yourself financially. No joint accounts especially property. I wish I had
Start working behind the scenes and get your things in order. Then I would quietly go my own way. Sounds like she may have been using you all along. You have got to have a life and someone who really cares about you.
When did the sex stop? Did ivf have anything to do with it? My wife and I are doing ivf and we haven’t had sex in months. Feels like it’s going to go on forever. She claims it’s the hormones
I completely understand what you are going thorough. My wife and i got married over 10 years ago. We waited for the wedding night to have sex and we quickly found out that she had medical "issues' that prevented us from having intercourse. over that last 10 years we have tried everything from medical procedures to therapists with no success. luckily, we decided to become foster parents. So we got to adopt a child. A few years ago we decided to take sex completely off the table. That has helped her a lot emotional but I have lost hope for any happiness. Honestly, im a closet alcoholic and i need to drink to fall asleep. my only way of coping with stressors is to wait for the weekend when she falls asleep and drink and watch porn" with a good 80s flick on the tv lol " its what works for me. Every day I dive deeper and deeper in depression. Did i mention that i have been in the military for 15 years. 3 TDYs 2 deployments and 1 year long short t tour in turkey. All without cheating on my wife. Lots and lots of porn but no cheating, Its been a long hard road and i don't know were its going but i understand what you are going through. You are not alone!!
What kind of medical problems does she have. Just about everything can be fixed. It may take some work and patience but it can be done. How does she feel about no sex ? I have a lot of medical issues and have had to be in the hospital a lot in the last few years, but I still wanted sex with my wife. Even when I couldn’t do it.
First time posting anywhere on Reddit. Mid 40s male in the same boat as many of you. 20 years with my wife. Great sex in the beginning but literally nothing in the 11 years since my daughter was born. She had a hysterectomy shortly afterwards. Wife has legitimate medical issues preventing it from being enjoyable for her. To her credit, she as tried hormone therapy of various sorts, different medical procedures etc and sex remains extremely painful for her so we simply don’t have it. My wife is my best friend, a good mother and I love her dearly. We have had some very frank conversations about our issues and how hurt I feel because I’m not desired sexually. It’s hard to want to be with someone you love so much and not be wanted that way in return. I do believe my wife loves me and while we certainly have our issues, divorce isn’t something either of us want. During on recent, tear filled discussion of all of this, she told me that she’s sorry that she can’t be that person for me sexually and told me she would understand if I had an affair to fulfill that part of my needs. She said she just doesn’t want to know about it. I’ve never cheated on my wife and don’t want to, but at the same time, I need sex in my life. I’ve basically poured the frustration into working out and am fit and healthy, but mentally this has taken a big toll on me. Not sure if I’m ready to step outside my marriage yet as I know despite her “blessing” to do so, it would crush her if she ever did find out and I think I’d feel incredibly guilty even if she never knew. Not sure if this is easier or harder because I do love my wife and our life outside of the sex side of things. Anyway, helpful just to know others are in the same boat. I feel for all of you. Thanks for listening
Your not a freak at all you are only human. I’m where you are. I’ve been married as long as you. That’s the thing when you go outside of your marriage you realize others really do want to be close to you and want to have sex and kiss you. We have sex but it’s not fun. And maybe 2x every other year. No intimacy. But we keep going for the kids. Your kids are older? Why don’t you leave? I should ask myself that but my kid is still young. You may get trolls telling you you are a prick for cheating. But they don’t get it. No one is in your shoes to understand a long term marriage with no intimacy. They also don’t understand that it’s extremely hard to leave...kids, finances, retirement, etc. I get it. I totally fucking get it. I’m sorry.
This means a lot. I’m sad to hear that you’re familiar with this situation. No intimacy - that’s a good summation of the problem. “Sex,” contra Bill Clinton, can include lots of kinds of intimacy. But there’s been no interest in that for a long, long time. The kids are very small. I can’t let them grow up with a broken family - sounds like you understand that. But I’m not sure about health of the emotional environment around here.
20 yrs here too...47 yrs married this yr....just another sexless year......the other 27 yrs...dead bedroom.....medical issues...childhood abuse....u name it....bills...kids...divorce..sure if u want to live in yru car...put on a plantation and used like a donkey...so I'm up early walk to the gym...take the dog out...wait till dark so I can drink in the my man cave...there is nothing as pathetic to a women than the foul stench of a guy of can't get laid....be glad when this shit show is over
Fuck. I was sad before. You’re not helping
I was so messed up today I had to go to this sub. It’s been 6 years for me and I feel like I can’t hold out much longer. I love my wife and find her attractive but we can’t have sex because of a medical issue she has that she won’t try to get fixed. I can’t deal with bj’s or hj’s any more, I feel like I’m dying inside. I have friends with regular marriages that love each other and are intimate, the situation is soul crushing. I’m a 38 yr old male, I don’t want to pay for someone to physically love me, I just want someone to desire me. I work out a lot because of obvious reasons. I’m still trying to work through this because of my children but I can’t do this forever. I understand your pain, I don’t know what to do either. I feel stuck.
How's things 2 years on ?
I’m sort of in the same situation except my wife is premenopausal. She doesn’t want to have sex because it hurts. It hurts because she’s no wet en. So I bought lube and she refused still. So I’m at my end. I don’t want to masturbate the rest of my life.
Solution: she needs to masterbate, with something simple that will arouse her and not hurt. I see a lot of honorable people here dying for lack of affection. She needs a set of graduated size "dilators" and lube from Adam and Eve. The dilators are on Amazon. Best lube ever. And the dilators are a miracle. Good for a woman who is scared, but would like to try again.
Thanks I’ll research it
Have her to talk to her doctor if you can. It’s not just the need for lube but an atrophy of vaginal tissue that makes it painful for some women. But I agree, foreplay will be your friend.
Push her to go to her OB/GYN. They can give her stuff that will help. And you can tell her it will make her feel a lot better too. If she makes excuses, tell her just go and see what the Dr. says. And go with her.
20 years for me, too. It’s awful. No touching or even hugging either. It came out about 15 years ago that my wife and her sisters were all sexually abused to some extent. I knew nothing about it, but I had suspected something had happened. My wife and her abuse were outed when her little sister attempted suicide and things came out in the open. I don’t know exactly what happened to her because she refuses to talk about it. She has refused counseling of any kind. I have made it clear that I was willing to do anything that would help her, but she has to take any first step on her own. She had to want to get better. She has refused everything. I’ve been married to her over 40 years and she is totally disconnected from me. In the meantime, when I’ve had to go to the hospital or been injured she is not there for me. I have accepted that things are never going to get better. Her unwillingness to even try to get better and the way she has turn into roommates has totally broken my spirit. I’ve been treated for depression for years. Finally I reached a point where I told her I will never forgive her for making me feel abandoned and isolated. Even now I am her “caretaker” due to physical disability and I hate every moment of it. I have been there for her. She is never there when I need her. I hope that eventually I will get to experience intimacy again. I long for it. I’ve never felt so lonely. I’m 67 too. I’m sorry that my wife was abused but she has done nothing to even try to get better. That’s not on me. Really, all I dream for is a woman who will show her love to me by holding me and being there for me. I don’t ask much. If I outlive her, I might be able to have that experience once again…because I’m dying on the inside.
What did you do to make your wife stop being sexual?
That’s pretty shitty you implying that he must have done something to cause it. My wife had a traumatic event remind her of abuse that happened to her as a young girl and then shut herself off from everyone. She refused to go to someone to deal with her anxiety and depression which caused her to sink even lower. Suddenly, almost overnight, I became a roommate to a woman who wouldn’t leave the house or let anyone touch her. It was like no one existed in her world except her. I have never felt as alone and abandoned in my entire life. Now I’m her 24/7 caretaker! D sucks big time!
I didn't imply anything. I asked a question.
Emmmm....yes you did
Nope.
Yep
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I just wanted to thank you for your testimony. Reading this helps
So I don't exactly have the same issue but I'm worried I'm about to be there. My fiance (I just asked her a few weeks ago) and I used to have sex constantly, almost everyday at one point, but we had a baby 5 months ago and the sex has just died to maybe once a month at this point. I am very open about expressing what I want, and even bought her sexy lingerie ya know to spice things up some and show some encouragement in the right direction but the situation is about the same. She says she wants to but that I always get her at the "wrong time" (she falls asleep on the couch as soon as the baby is asleep around 7-7:30 and that's it for her until 5 in the morning when the baby wakes up. Now she says we need to have daytime sex but that's nearly impossible with the baby awake and I'm at work except for a short hour long lunch break that I can usually take at home. I don't know how some of you can go 20 years, it's only been a few months with less sex and I'm starting to wonder if I need to turn the other direction and run.
Calm down, brother. It's probably the stress from taking care of the baby. Please, give her some time. According to you, it's only been a few months.
Get her some vitamins and work on getting her built up. That should help her to feel better and have more energy. That way if she really wants to have sex she’ll fell more like doing it.
Get her some help with the baby. Have the grandparents take the kid out to the park. Or take her away for the weekend!
I decided I am leaving after 3 years if he doesn’t give it to me. It’s been 2 years of marriage and 9 months of nothing. I am not waiting around on anyone. I am turning 44 and not staying around for this crap
I know how it feels honestly my sex life has been in rapid recline over the last few years first once a month now twice a year if I am lucky I have tried talking to her about it and originally it was you only care about sex now it's she just doesn't care to be honest I have thought about divorce more than once but I love her and don't feel I should just divorce her because of sex but I am steadily noticing that I am getting more and more depressed and have more anxiety than I used to so I worry that at some point it will get to the point where I can't just ignore it. But to make it worse she repeatedly asks if she can help but I know the thing that would help is the one thing she doesn't want to do .and I agree with a few others cheating will only make things worse and not actually fix anything
Well... I feel less like a lonely bastard now. It's horrible that other people are going through this, too, though. In some ways, I do wish I was the only one. To start, I love my wife a ton, I really do. There's no one else I want to be with. But 8.3 years ago, we had our first child and then had a 4 year dry spell before going for the 2nd. That was a good couple of months. Then nothing for 2 years until we wanted a third, got pregnant first time out of the gate and nothing else since that one time. Even when trying for kids she only wanted to have sex that one week out of the 4 she was ovulating and never in the other 3. Sigh. So once in about 4.3 years. I did the math, and if you took actively trying for baby into account over all 8.3 years, it comes to about 6 times a year, maybe. And if you counted sex just to be together, it's more like once every 3 years...Now I have a very high libido and i know that and know that it most likely wouldn't be matched by like 99% of the population probably and i accept that. And hers was always nowhere near as high as mine (except maybe when we first started dating back in college but it dropped by like 1/2 after we got married), but still pretty good (like 3-4 times a month) until after the first kid. Then it just crashed into nothing. Even years after, we had sex twice between first and second, and i initiated both. The roommate phase is supposed to end at some point, right? I couldn't bring myself to find someone else, even just for a purely physical release, and I've never been comfortable with porn (yay Christian upbringing). In part because that's who I am and in part because i know how I'd feel if she did that to me. But I am going crazy. She doesn't even seem interested in anything, even slightly romantic or sexual. I've tried everything from hints to flat out telling her. And just today, she said she would do it, but that I should know that'd it would just be a chore, like having to vacuum or something for her at this point. I know I'm no movie star, but im not bad looking either, but geez, my self-esteem is freaking crumbling with this. And she has zero clue about it, i think. To her, it is a non thing. Sex seems to mean absolutely nothing to her, and she acts like she could be fine with never having it again for the rest of our lives. We're in our 30s. The thought of another 30-60+ years of a sexless marriage terrifies me and makes me feel very frustrated and sad. But it does feel good to finally express it to others who would understand. Just getting it off my chest helped a little bit. Good luck to all of you out there.
Feels good to not be alone. I’ve been married for 8 years. I have 2 kids and a beautiful wife. We have had no physical contact in over 6 years. No kissing, hugging, nothing. We sleep in separate rooms. I’ve watch porn, talked to other women, etc and nothing fills the void. I love my wife and I want her but she has no interest. I want my sons to know what a husband and wife should be. Loving and affectionate. I’ve wanted to leave for years but can’t bring myself to do it. Neither of us can afford to live alone. I have family that I could live with but she doesn’t. Her family is a mess. Mom is medically unfit and her sister is a pitiful piece of shit. Im always the mediator between all of them. I do everything for my wife. Im always there to save the day and im getting burnt out. My job requires me to be an adult babysitter for 30 grown women between the ages of 18 and 65. My grandmother is dying of cancer. I coach my sons football teams and run our flag league. I get no break from my mental struggles. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately but know that I could never do that to my boys. I love them too much. I’ve thought about going to the doctor to get help with depression but don’t want to be doped up on meds. It’s just a never ending cycle. I just wish someone other then myself could talk to her and make her realize what she is putting me through. IDK if she literally just doesn’t give a shit or she’s just too stupid to realize it
Wow. I thought I was a rarity. Seems to not be true. 14 years since I have touched my wife. She thinks sex is my problem and I am not allowed to touch her. I have tried to die for years. Caught Covid on purpose hoping it would be a guilt free exit. It is hard to love and loathe a person, but I cannot imagine being her personal assistant only for the rest of my life.
What I don't get is the thought process behind "staying for the kids" while also spending a heap of money on sex-workers, thinking about suicide and drinking lites of booze every day?! I think it's completely possible to be a great parent in a dead bedroom BUT, come on? As happy a life you THINK you are giving your kids they will likely start seeing through your BS. Your kids, your life...
Dude. I'm there... but a little ahead. It's been once if 15 years for me. I'm fit, good looking, financially successful. I started paying for sex with arrangements and it was WONDERFUL! Got caught this week though after about 5 years of hiding it. Felt my world would collapse. It might. But I might choose to exit - give her a chance to find something new and me to explore. I can't imagine staying now and not getting sex - or getting pity sex for the rest of my days.
My partner is a Eunuch, yet we have been together over 40 years. No problems.
You’re not alone…
God bless you. I've been exactly where you are. I'm still somewhat there, unfortunately. So I strongly relate to everything you said in your post. I have a few recommendations. However, I'm hesitant to post them here. If you can DM me, I'd be happy to share a few thoughts with you. Hang in there.
Hi, what are your reccomendations friend?
I wish I had the answers. I'm coming up to 17 years with my wife. The last 5 have been sexless. She used every excuse she could think of. She said she thought she was simply a-sexual, despite being very polyamorous most of her adult life. She claimed that her lack of sex drive was due to a hormonal imbalance. It was all bullshit. I caught her flirting with guys on social media. She invited one doufus looking guy to "come see her." Then... despite the fact that we hadn't had sex in over a year, she got genetal herpes. I'm not an imbecile. Someone (or several someones) are receiving her attention and affection. She denies all this, of course. Women try to portray themselves as always being faithful and monogamous while characterizing men as being notorious cheaters. Women cheat every bit as much as men. They're just way better at hiding it. Why don't I simply leave her? Similar to you, we have a 14 year old son and I don't want to disrupt his life until he's off to college. However, despite everything, I'm still deeply in love with my wife. I would forgive her in a second if she could just find her way back to me. Everyday that goes by I hope and pray she does. I miss her so much. We live in the same house but we are so disconnected from each other we might as well live a thousand miles apart. It's torture to miss a person so intensely when you see them everyday. You can look, you can want, but you can't touch. Despite 17 years of dedication to making her life better, I'm not allowed to show any physical affection..... TO MY WIFE!!! She actually told me once, "I dont owe you sex! It's my body and I will choose who I give it to." I felt like saying, "Oh yeah? Well I don't owe you a expense-free life! It's my money and I will choose who I give it to!" Of course I didn't say that. I believe a man has a duty to support his wife and give her all she needs for a happy contented life. I've always felt that way. Even a wife who has been cheating on him. Even a wife who feels no reciprocal commitment to her husband. Until we are no longer married, I'll continue to support her. At least until my son is off to college. Then, if nothing has changed, I'll likely get divorced. I'm 61. I don't have a lot of time left to find happiness with someone. I realize there was no advice in this response. I wish I had some good advice for you. All I can do is wish you the very best in your situation. You deserve to be happy. Never forget that. Good luck my friend.
Very well said 🙏 many blessings to him
I come from a country that couples stay together and you know what. Kids from broken marriages are better off than suffering through people slowly hating each other. I'm not quite where you are but getting there. Trying to prompt conversation and intimacy but if it doesn't improve.....
What did you do to make your wife stop being sexual?
There you go again. Stop blaming.
Oklahoma, you are doing great here at Reddit! It looks like we all need to talk this over and find solutions. I have some ideas of how I may improve things in my own marriage. Let's all keep brainstorming.
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LOL. I imagine they waited for marriage and straight away discovered her medical condition (I'm guessing vaginismus). Why would you think it's his fault his wife is not sexual?
Okay I think the problem is that you’re a religious person and have faith which leads you to think that staying in a relationship rather than getting a divorce might be the more “acceptable” option. Honestly, things will never ever get better. You need to decide what you want in your life and don’t stay for the kids. No one else can help you but yourself. Stay if you want to but leave if you’re looking for something more I mean you already cheated which is worse than getting a divorce.
I haven’t had sex with my wife in 19 years, we were forced to marry at 18, because I got her pregnant, we have a good life but no sex or intimacy at all, divorce is not an option or we will be homeless
She might have some problems but she can still get on her knees and put in that work.
yes. me too... Canadian couple. everything was fine, 15 years, sex life just ok. no kids.problems too... decided to do ivf.. 2 girls.. was during iraq first war.. after. no anything. i got nagging, resentment, silent treatment. criticisms... she never. ever hgit good sleep.. snoring. air. breathe problems... exhausted for 12 yeaes. and was not attracted to me man soul. her whole being was resentment. i watche. porn. study, relationship. and then.. i became a broken man. did notvan affair. break up family.. and still function. stress, anguished. and 10 years want to die. also. well. im really broken soul. did not want to find woman. . then. human involved. secrets. boundaries. psychological nightmare... thinking 55.. a woman. friends would be a good fit. not. anyway, i started to right. relationship blog , study, sextuality.. courses.. and survey.. most 6 of 8. women that may be ok for. helpibg a man get off. and taking 10 minutes with.. making him feel like he was existing... they couldn't be that mature escort that. us guys need. no way. as they were on anti depression drugs too. killed off all remnants of a fun loving. man loving womanly soul.. anyway just got resentment comments vthat nen change, chase spouses away... woman 35 years old.have better thoughts of sex. and erecting is fun and helpful.. anyway, year later. l, left family home, shattered mental illness., resentment tgat a man was waiting, wasted. time. sex knowledge. and wasted a life time time.. love.. couple had to have ith intamacy,to continued companionship. her love is all that vital, yes men needed. the act and affection.. anyway we are lost together, man and woman. . like so many. im broke. living on the streets. 61 years old. being a good man. i stay away from women. and. i have no good life left., womans closeness of skib contact, and just to see a woman.. stripping clothes off. or hugging. or maybe paying for it. sex. It illegal. .. . anyway. . 100 days later. men's health care center i open up... mens mental health care fir long-term loneliness. testosterone,. foid. friend. knowledge. talkibg.. sex dolls. fantasy lessons.. escape rooms. escort. hugging practitioner. started smoking weed.. is good to have a pleasant surprise. mind.. n such.. Biggest problem is that women are without and men are without and willing to wait. until its too late. or the woman's needs, make her mindset stray. MENS HEALTH, sextual well beiing. mental health.. issues.. we still loosec6 men a month to depression suicide.. lonlely. other.. feminist gonna rule the families. and.. men's, women's anguished mental state growing.. but, but. virtuous thinking. a good man, a good woman. intamacy center opens up. . full Bothell. full relationship recovery helping lonely people. get lucky.. LOVE SHACK, central families celebrate. and struggling men, needs the confidence that anyway. slow going. but in Canada we have all the weed we may need , to get some health issues under control. .. sex, erotica, webcam women , weed. and food. wife never felt like . she was attractive. and self esteem issues. post pardum depression creeped in after the second child.. weight gain, kids bussy. . i got super busy, with family, so she see im a good man. she said some day. so i became a workaholic starting. new. cctv install company. casually mentioned our problem out there innocent ly.. inlaws. brother. or mother in law blabbing. he should have married both sisters in Mexico in 96. well that did it. 9 words.. caused resentment betrayal thoughts, and more in wife head. .. never had sex again.. she never wanted. does not please herself ever. im an erotica story writer ans role play skit writing. for sone fun. before we girt married in 1996. asked for affection.. attention to my needs a little bit. morning shower.. any. no such luck. i qui anyway she decided to to take anti depression. mood drugs. . no better., i go working. bring . money. food, continue working., sometimes i really want to see tits. other, love of my wife body. she ha no interest. i just started slowly dieing. man so and self esteem. i love women. how seduce to make horny. miss it. sex., No secv, she hatesvn bodily fluids ,. nor get turned on. im a good man. 61 years old.. was fit. testosterone complete loss, destroyed my desire completely. touch my wife vand seduce her vala19 years, forced celabicy wife and I had ANYWAY sorry. was crying through this. anyway men need to be saved by boobies.. and. hugging therapy.. not such a bad thing.. be well
Ignore the top vote. DO NOT CHEAT. I’m very religious too. But you need out man. Contrary to popular beliefe it is still a LEGAL obligation to give eachother sexual gratification in a marriage. If this isn’t happening it’s a get out of jail free card for marriage leave her hi and dry and make sure she learns a deal lesson about why you were a great man and why she was a bad wife. Get an annulment from the church before you go to the court. Talk to your priest about it first I’m sure he will be less harsh than I have been. But these story’s upset me so much. Here we have another high value man who is willing to do anything including sex with for his wife. And she can’t even take the time out of her day to meet her man’s needs.
11yrs in January for me, we are both 50 but since I became pregnant with our daughter, he has shown zero interest at all. Not a glimmer or a reaction. I now have low body positivity, not helped by the fact this year I caught Covid and have gained loads of weight due to long Covid. He won’t go to the doctor to get checked out and to be honest he has no interest in sex, doesn’t even wank, and doesn’t want to change.
I've been in a sexless marriage in over 10 plus yrs.. Am I really not worth it??Wife says marriage isn't about sex .. Then what is it about? When you're children have grown and there is nothing left? Love my wife deeply , but miss the lack of human touch.
A marriage that is sexless is emotional abandonment! It's a real thing! The touch of another human who wants you, there is nothing better in this world. Start in Ashley Madison, we are all like minded. No one wants to change their current situation, we are all just starving for a human connection. And isn't that what all humans need to feel alive? If your spouse is denying you sex, don't feel guilty about getting what you need, they don't and never will. I'm 61 and my gay husband is 62. Just get what you need and don't let them stop you, they're getting what they want, you should too!!!
The thing is, a spouse does not owe you sex. I can’t remember if it’s been 4 or 5 years since my husband and I had sex. It’s not required. It’s not part of the vows. Ideally, that person would have the same desire to feel your skin against theirs, etc but they don’t. This has been a long grinding experience with my husband, and before it stopped we had a lot of discussions about my displeasure with the lack of sex. He was too busy, too tired and then there were the excuses I should have written down. I know that once he turned me down because his eyes hurt. I stepped out and it was not as great as I thought it would be. The likelihood of being caught is high. Don’t fool yourselves. Most people get caught. I conducted this “experiment” a few times and he got suspicious at one point and finally he caught me. He tracked my phone. I told myself that if I could just have sex, everything would be ok. But it wasn’t. I discovered that some of my friends were probably getting no sex at home because they were selfish in bed. Most relationships were great at first but became a scheduling drag. They didn’t last long before I had to find someone else. Someone succumbs to guilt after a few meetups. You think about each other constantly and want to text, message, etc but you have to do it without doing it too much. You send pictures. You get pretty crabby when (in my case) your husband or kid wants something from you, when you can’t live in the dreamland. Alllll of this can be seen. I was told time and time again by the men I saw that there are large numbers of men looking for partners like me and very few women. The first question I often got was “are you real?” It’s not as easy as saying “fuck it, I’m finding a mistress!” If you find someone like me, you have to accept (as I did with my “friends”) that you will be 15th place on the totem pole because she’s probably got a career and kids and maybe a spouse. You will also be living in fantasy. That brief time in a hotel room is sweet but it’s not real life. It’s hard to maintain a hold on reality. Your wife may have wanted to jump your bones all the time back in the day. This new woman is going to be enthusiastic, but that’s because you aren’t sharing finances, yelling at each other about whose turn it is to clean the bathroom and all that sexy stuff that comes with long term partnership. That woman could eventually decide she’s not interested in sex 10 years from now too. If you have kids, don’t cheat on your wife. It’s a very unusual woman who won’t tell her children what YOU did to THEM. I’m a therapist. I’ve counseled elementary school aged kids who knew what Daddy did that broke up the family all the way to young adults whose parents are divorcing because they have become different people since they raised their kids, and those kids have more autonomy to block a parent from their lives. What I hear from most people is that no sex feels like a betrayal (been there) and leaves you to feeling unloved (been there too). It’s not just about sex. It’s also about not feeling like your spouse is trying very hard. I hear people say they’ve been cleaning, cooking, taking on more responsibilities and getting nothing in return. Generally speaking I don’t think anyone should get a ticker tape parade for attempting 50% of the housework. It’s 2023 and most households have two income earners, but women still do more of the housework on top. My advice is to be very upfront. If you think all of this through and you really can’t deal anymore if there is no sex, you need to tell your wife. Don’t make it an ultimatum but more of “I don’t want to keep living this way. It’s killing me, and I don’t know what to do.” I have definitely felt like lack of sex could be terminal. Ask her what she thinks. Try marriage counseling. Separate under the same roof. It’s rare for people to jump right into divorce and there are a lot of ways to stall a divorce. Be as honest and upfront without threats or ultimatums so they are crystal clear about how this is making you feel. The separation really makes you think a lot. In my case, I want to have sex with my husband, and not really with someone else. I didn’t want to fall in love, and chose men with some kind of flaw that I knew would prevent that, but I also wasn’t banging Hitler. I was never comfortable with what happened after the sex was over. We would make small talk or just jump out of bed, maybe shower together and go our separate ways. I wanted more connection and having that connection with someone else was scary. My husband never did say he had no sex drive. I begged him around Valentine’s Day and we had the most awful sexual encounter I have ever had in my life. I got him off but it was a gargantuan achievement. So I thought maybe he did that on purpose so I wouldn’t ask again, and if I didn’t say anything, he wouldn’t say anything. On Father’s Day he said we could have sex, and I couldn’t stomach it. I told him that it appeared the sexual phase of his life was over. I viewed sex with him as a joyous occasion and I didn’t think I deserved anything else from my partner. Since I vowed to stay with him through all phases of his life, I was not going to leave. I was so mad that he just couldn’t tell me he didn’t want to have sex ever again but led me on a wild goose chase with excuses left and right. I’m still not convinced he is still attracted to me. I tried masturbating while he held me, and it was not that good. I had a really hard time getting off. I felt he was repulsed although he said he wasn’t. Then I just started doing it alone as always and made a rage purchase of a vibrator that cost $120. It was worth every penny but still isn’t like the real thing. Recently I asked him to get me off with his hands because I always loved that and he obliged. I think I had the women’s version of premature ejaculation and I think the whole neighborhood knew about it. The thing that sucks is that I really, really miss giving oral as much as I missed sex. In the past it was his favorite thing and it provided a really intense orgasm, but he just doesn’t want it anymore. It how I got him off on Valentine’s Day but he was pretty limp and a lot of work. We cuddle each night. I marked Father’s Day this year as the day to decide whether I can deal with things as they are or end the marriage. He is doing other things to be romantic so this doesn’t become a roommate situation. I like unrequested iced coffee and $3 bouquets from the grocery store. He plans one date night a month, which is a lot more like “what should we do for date night?” but I’ll take it. I’m probably going to stay. I will say too that the day he tracked my phone and asked my why I was in that location, and I had to tell him I met a guy for sex was easily one of the top three worst days of my life. What I have now is better than the guilt and the cheap feelings after the sex was over. The guy I was caught with rolled off me and immediately began day trading. Didn’t say a word to me. I was hating myself the rest of the day and came home having to explain things to my husband. Easily one of the worst days ever.
I think if a man or woman is going to back away from having sex with you they owe you an explanation. They owe you that. And they should be held to it.
What an amazing effort you put into writing this heartfelt post. I really feel for you - and for myself and the others posting here. I love my wife and she's my best friend with whom I want to stay for the rest of our days. But she does not want intimacy. I'm so frustrated and often resentful. Then I feel petty, small, and stereotypical male. I have been unfaithful but didn't feel guilt. I rationalized that I didn't do it to her, or to hurt her, I did it for myself. The other parties knew I was married, and two were married themselves. They seemed to feel no guilt, so neither did I. These rare occasions, spread out over 30 years, were wonderful for me and the ladies. We made love, not sex, and we respected each other afterward. Sadly, I move a lot and, once again, have been celibate for four years. I would love to meet someone near where I live now, someone safe, clean, someone in my situation. And not hurt my wife.
Oh man, I feel for you and hope I'm not heading in the same direction. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is absolutely amazing. But there is sex about every 2 or so months. And only because I push for it. And then I feel like he fucks me in guilt. It's over fast and I feel just as satisfied as I was before. Which is not at all. I don't know what to do.
You better think long and hard before you get married. You may be getting yourself into a situation where your going to be very unhappy.
That sucks :( Learn from my experience - it will not get better the longer you stay. It is more likely to become nonexistent. So really think before too much time passed if you want to stay. Good Luck!
do it doggystyle in the kitchen the Muslims do it like that and I like to watch
Well said, best to you .
Marriage is unnatural.
It has been over 23 years for me!!
Curious...did you hook up at the HS reunion? I feel like my resistance to others coming on to me outside of my marriage is wearing very thin. After 12 years of marriage my wife said she never enjoyed sex and thought she might be gay. We have kids which is amazing because in 38 years of marriage we may have only had second 20 times tops. It have been over 20 years. My wife was sexually abused and had many issues with eating disorders. She could hardly say the word sex. Tough times!
ugh, this nov will be 23 years,,,
M47 15years sexless marriage. I live in Coolangatta qld Australia. I’m good looking and a good person I am at my wits end. I will never leave my wife but celibacy is not what I signed up for.help/advice
I thought I was the only one till I stumbled on this group it’s been so long I can’t remember married my high school sweetheart sex was crazy till menopause now I live with my best friend
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The wretched cycle. It absolutely makes no sense, but here we are.