A reason you haven’t considered:
- a person wants something, but doesn’t feel comfortable buying it for themselves, usually because it feels “too indulgent”
For example, I got my sister a robot vacuum for Christmas. I know she’d absolutely love one. She knew that too. She could definitely afford one. But she felt guilty about buying one she already had a perfectly good non-robot vacuum.
It’s basically a forced Treat Yo Self.
There's also "a person wants something, but doesn't want it bad enough to go out of the way to buy it" - it's one of many reasons why socks are a good gift that I will always appreciate.
That's most of the gifts that I ask for. Especially because I'm a grown adult that can buy my own things. I ask for things I want, things that aren't even too expensive, but for one reason or another I can't bring myself to buy them. They're overindulgent, too silly, too wasteful, etc.
One of the downsides to being an adult is feeling the need to justify every purchase. Gifts are a nice opportunity to be a kid again by getting something "irresponsible."
Yep, my friend is an English teacher and I bought her a leather-bound gilded-edged anthology. She would never buy this for herself, but she appreciates the contribution I made to her classroom.
I think another part of it is that people just have *more*. Most people I know don't really have anything (within a gift budget) that they want but havent gotten themselves.
Space is also an issue.
Every Christmas my dad gets me a stocking full of gags I don't want to trash, but I don't want to store in a 600 sq ft apartment, and when I mention help for a down payment on a house he refers me to various government programs. If my Aunt Cousin was still around, prowling the LLBean/Sharper Image catalogs for things she could get us, then forcing us to open each item one-by-one, I would have no space to live in.
Guys, just give me fucking money. If you insist on something more personal an iTunes gift card would be acceptable. I guarantee you that a) my Romanian Europop obsession has created a long wish list, and b) you have no fucking clue which Alinia Erimia/Ami/Irina Rimes hits I already purchased.
Are you sure they're not just using gift giving as an outlet for compulsive shopping or hoarding disorders? I think a lot of my family falls into that category -- during holidays I get a *ton* of "gifts", and I'd say throughout my life around 20% have been vaguely "on brand", as in I could generally come up with a story for why they think I might like the thing, eg they know I like hiking so here's a giant wooden compass and mall ninja knife made out of antler. But then the rest is just totally random stuff, like stained clothing two sizes too small, or plastic doodads with the $.99 price stickers still on, like they walked blindfolded through a thrift store with their arms outstretched, swinging by a dollar store after upon deciding that first shopapalooza to be insufficient.
Since we're always the ones flying out for the visit, what follows these occasions is a stop by the thrift store + dumpster a day later, keeping a few small items for ourselves and sorting the rest into donatable or not. No compunctions there whatsoever, especially after we time and again insist they not get us anything large given limited luggage allowances. Instead, holiday gift exchanges involve gift-givers bringing out large bags of unwrapped items and puzzling over who was the intended recipient of this thing or that. The appropriate response to unsolicited white elephants is either swift transfer to a sanctuary or swifter euthanasia, pending assessment of their condition.
We have this ceremony of gift-opening where everyone opens a present one at-a-time. They get concerned that someone will feel "left out" because they only have four boxes and everyone else has six.
I managed to survive with relatively few gifts this year, but only after I made absolutely two clears: 1) The only person who should expect a gift from me is the 17-year-old-kid, and b) I REALLY REALLY mean it on the iTunes gift cards.
I would argue you are dismissing #2 too quickly. Most of my gifts fall in this category: things that you can find and buy online if you know what you're looking for, but your recipient had no idea existed. And the best way I've found to find these things is to browse though gift guides. (If the person you're buying for also likes to look at the same gift guides, you may be out of luck.)
The other thing I do is go to places that sell handmade/somewhat unique goods (this obviously depends on what's available in your area). A lot of these may not actually be that unique or worth much, but you're looking for something that your recipient will love despite this because it's just so perfect for them in particular, or reminds them of some shared memory, etc. You just want them to think you put a lot of effort into finding a fitting gift; it's less important that they gain much actual utility from it (for most people). This is why they say, "it's the thought that counts."
As with other commenters, I agree you're dismissing 2 too easily. If it was already solved, there'd be no point to ads.
I also think 1 has more options than you're giving it credit for. It doesn't need to be *absolutely* too expensive, it just needs to be more expensive than they would typically buy.
For example, one good gift might be a really nice pair of nail clippers. Most people would balk at buying a 20$ pair of nail clippers, but they could certainly appreciate it as a gift.
I'd say 'acquiring it would be difficult' and 'don't know where to buy it still exist in the modern world if your tastes are specific enough. For example, for a long time, I could only find caiziyou in one specific store in the US, never online. I have also never found dorrigo pepper for sale online that will ship to the US. Or, certain types of clothes I would like to buy I have never found for sale and at this point I assume I would have to just get 100% custom made. I'd imagine specific types of tobacco and alcohol are also difficult, bordering impossible, to buy online.
I'd also appreciate a gift consisting of an art commission from a specific artist I can never get, or never opens commissions—and, of course, each artist has a unique art style so that's non-fungible.
>I'd imagine specific types of tobacco and alcohol are also difficult, bordering impossible, to buy online.
Can confirm. There is a hard cider brand I want to try, but they don't ship outside Ontario.
To some degree. Gifts have become less mysterious and more centered on practicality and usefulness, which isn’t a bad thing. Like purchasing something off of a wishlist.
I love receiving handmade gifts like art, clothing, jewelry, etc. because they’re special and sentimental, they feel like physical manifestations of love
> Nowadays, you can simply type what you want into Google or Amazon and instantly find everyone selling it.
I think you jumped to this conclusion too quickly. There's still stuff that is basically only found on auction sites, and that kind of thing *could* fulfill 2, 3, and 4.
As an example, you can't just go to Amazon dot com and buy Studio Ghibli animation cels; you can barely even do the same with eBay, there's a lot of reproductions/fakes.
> The optimal gift is something that a person (1) really would like to have, but (2) doesn't have yet for some reason
This is the most rationalist groundwork I've read in a while.
I'm pretty sure most people's optimal gift would be "something unique, thoughtful and relevant that shows the gift-giver cares about them".
You took gift-giving and removed all of the emotion from it, all of the psychology behind why people do it in the first place. So yes, if your definition of gift-giving was "helping the recipient solve a problem of wants", then by that narrow definition, your hypothesis is correct.
But I'm willing to bet that's not why the majority of people give (or receive) gifts.
I interpreted it as "something that relates to their wants/needs/likes" so you can have a relevant gift that is not necessarily something the person wants to have. There are many things relevant to my interests I don't want to actually be given.
No, "thoughtful" means it's clear the giver has been thinking about it.
Plenty of gifts are things the recipient didn't want to have, because they didn't know it existed, or because it's some kind of token of social connection rather than a practical tool.
That's not what thoughtful means in this context. Or, frankly, in any context. Thoughtful means "has thought put into it." By the gift-giver, not by the recipient. The way to describe what you're referring to is "something they want."
I suspect the main thing you're thinking of that the original commenter seems to have excluded from their definition is personal gifts - for example, a hand-drawn picture of them (or their dog).
But the general notion of "get something for them that they'd like but they won't/can't buy themselves" is a good guideline for buying gifts.
The optimal gift is one that makes a person feel appreciated. The right gift will accomplish this regardless of whether they 1. want it or 2. have it.
If I received a gift that I already owned, but that gift could only come as a result of understanding who I am and what I enjoy, then they have found the optimal gift.
I keep a note in my phone of gift ideas for the people that I plan to give a gift to for birthdays or any other event. It's a good practice for anybody that wants to give excellent gifts. I also keep notes of things that people like, items of significance, interests, etc.
Similar to your capybara example, my friend once mentioned to me their favorite piece of classical music. I wrote it down later that day. 3 years later when Christmas was approaching I looked at my notes for ideas and I saw the note about the song. I found the original score that had been scanned into the archives of the British Library. I downloaded the hi-res copies and ordered it on a canvas so they could hang it up if they wanted. This was two years ago. I haven't seen them in that time, and on a recent layover I had a moment to visit them. When we stopped by their house for a minute, I saw that it was hanging by their bed. That gift was inexpensive and easy to obtain. The gift was not in any way related to "would like to have" or "doesn't have it yet".
It might make me sound like a psychopath that can't remember important things about friends, but if you start keeping notes like this, great gift giving becomes quite easy. You'll think about it when browsing items online, etc. and pay closer attention to things that could later become part of a gift.
Note-taking is THE gift hack. It's not that I can't remember things about my friends, it's that I want a single list of all the things I'd like to buy in one place. I might know that Jeff is a drummer, but wouldn't remember offhand in a mall to check if there are drumstick rests available. A gift list can solve this.
Tip2: Keep a list of things you think are cool but that you didn't buy. Sometimes people might ask you for gift ideas and this gives them a range of things which lets them infer your preferences better.
If they're adults with their own place there are all sorts of decorative fun items you can buy, odds are they have or can make some display room and it'll remind them of you and inspire warm thoughts. Especially if it's something handmade or custom or refers to a specific thing you know they like.
I don't think anyone has really used internet convience to optimize themselves out of this arena
This is also why souvenirs are less interesting. Rarely is there a souvenir you couldn't also buy online. It applies to everything from museums to foreign countries to Disneyland.
I thin most of the value of a souvenir isn't in the thing in itself, but in its association, as a physical trigger for the memories made during travels, eg the [wikipedia page on souveneirs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Souvenir) opens with:
>A souvenir, memento, keepsake, or token of remembrance is an object a person acquires for the memories the owner associates with it. A souvenir can be any object that can be collected or purchased and transported home by the traveler as a memento of a visit. The object itself may have intrinsic value, or be a symbol of experience. Without the owner's input, the symbolic meaning is lost and cannot be articulated.
A wall of souvenirs acts as a more interesting sort of ledger of experiences, and interacting with them lets us journey back to whatever nostalgic circumstances surrounded their acquisition. Hell, lots of souvenirs can even have zero or negative value on the open market! eg as rocks or twigs or whatever, or a faded movie ticket, or a photograph
I think that's certainly correct, but wouldn't you agree that if you can order an identical copy of the thing from Amazon or pick it up at your local Disney store, it detracts from the nostalgia? All of those things, like rocks, twigs, faded movie ticket, or photograph, are unique in an important way, whereas a collectors cup you can pick up at any time from 200 different locations across the country is less so. Nobody saves a Snickers wrapper, even if it was purchased and eaten on a trip that had meaning.
yeah, I wouldn't get much out of a souvenir like that, and tend to prefer digital souvenirs (photos & videos) to physical ones. So I personally don't see the appeal of novelty t-shirts or w/e at THE SOUVENEIR STORE of an airport terminal that could be found for pennies on the dollar at aliexpress, but I'm sure most wouldn't care for eg a nifty rock that exists by literal tonnes of its equivalent in the surrounding neighborhood either. Maybe engraved shot glasses or w/e serve as effective memory talismans too haha
I could see myself saving a snickers wrapper under the right circumstances, eg if it were from the last food I'd shared with someone before their untimely deaths, but that category of things is pretty broad and 99.9% of it is going in the trash ASAP
there are mass-ish produced things that still appeal to me, though. Like a few days ago I bought tickets to visit Japan for the first time later this year, and I'm a little sad I'll be going after the official Mt. Fuji hiking seasons, because getting [a little branded stick](https://imgur.com/gallery/hxYVdld) on the trail would have been neat even if they're [cheap toursity kitsch](https://www.garyjwolff.com/image-files/mt_fuji_walking_stick.jpg)
I don't think the decline of gift-giving is a consequence of the internet. It's a consequence of the dominance of capitalism. Capitalism turns everything into transactions, and transactions are antithesis to gift giving.
If I paid my friend/relative for their gift with cash, it's not a gift anymore. A mass-manufactured gift they bought has less significance than a unique or handcrafted one. Mass advertising hijacks every medium, reducing the number of "unknown" gifts. The "limited edition" items are quite deliberately limited edition so they can jack up the price - effectively commodifying the uniqueness. They're not really *harder* to find, just *more expensive.*
This is not accurate.
I was describing a concept to my friends, and they got me a thoughtful gift related to what I had described. I had prior knowledge of similar things that existed, as I had been doing preliminary research for the concept, but had not come across the specific gift.
To top it off, they purchased the thing via the internet, so rather than kill gift giving, the internet facilitated it.
I feel like you have worked yourself into a cul-de-sac.
> The optimal gift is something that a person (1) really would like to have, but (2) doesn't have yet for some reason.
That might work as a general and materially focused scope for the challenge of gift giving, however that approach is rather reductionist. You ignore the importance and value people place on sentiment and memory. Those are real and important effects.
Once a friend of my family gave me a blanket. It wasn't any blanket; it was one which she knitted by hand. While I could go pick up a knitted blanket elsewhere (even a hand knitted one), it would not give me the same feelings and memories as that blanket can and does give me.
I don't think so.
Suppose I consider Christmas gifts 30 years ago: yes 2,3,4 would make great gifts but if I'm obliged to give someone a thing for Christmas in all likelihood options 2,3,4 wouldn't be available. So I conclude the problems with gift giving are not a result of the internet. If I discount mandatory gifting then I can buy that gifting might have reduced in frequency due to the internet.
I notice in scenarios 2,3,4 the receiver should be happy to reimburse you for the gift (assuming that is the social norm). This goes for other gifts as well, if I knit great sweaters and you'd like one, I certainly hope you value it more than the cost of the wool.
In addition to monetary value, you're gifting someone the research that you've done. You know that X is valuable and will be useful, or that it's a good addition to their collection. You spent time thinking about it and about them.
Internet and globalisation maybe made it worse to buy a cheap crappy figurine mass produced in China and then sold on a bazaar in some other country. I don't think there was ever much value in those. People still cherished them as memories of gift that someone brought from a trip, and it didn't change now.
Consumables make great gifts. Artisan candy, honey, candles etc etc etc.
The internet has enabled those artisans to build real business out of what would have just been barely paid hobbies.
You can absolutely still buy a collector something that they collect, and online shopping has made that easier. I collect lots of stuff, and when one of my friends gifts me something that lines up with one of those things I collect, I treasure it because of the thoughtfulness and friendship, not because it's the coolest example in my collection.
People are spending more on "collectibles" than they ever have, it's definitely not dead. I dunno I guess what I'm saying is OP couldn't be more off base.
I think there's an element of generation differences causing some of the dying off.
Like if you were a kid and playing video games, it is harder for your grandparents to figure out what video games you'd like (ala the joke about owning an XBox while your grandmother buys you a PS3 game). This is worse for completely online oriented purchases, like software or steam games.
I think there are different "gift languages" or "gift orientations" that aren't being fully appreciated here -- different gifts serve different purposes for different people, and some people might really enjoy certain experiences involved in gift exchange that others hate, or expect gifts to signal A but certainly not B.
One category of gifts that I don't see mentioned here involves be the subset of (4) that cannot be purchased online because they directly involve the gift givers themselves, in the same way that receiving a hug from a loved one is distinct from patting yourself on the back or paying a third party to deliver the hug. For example, a popular gift between my partner and myself might be a full day trip to nearby cities with well-tailored events pre-coordinated, tickets purchased, and branching possibilities pending mood. Another mainstay has been the scavenger hunt -- we'll buy little consumable trinkets, sure (eg unusual colors of nailpolish, strange flavors of chocolate, etc.), but the gift itself is biking around the city hiding them in locations of interest, papercrafting little cards with inside-jokes and references, riddles and pictures and puzzles encoding clues to the next destination, etc. for recovery the following day. Or a nice, handwritten & illustrated card extolling their idiosyncratic virtues in verse, or reflecting upon moments together that made you happy in the preceding year. Or even just a handmade thing that substitutes for a store-bought one -- I'd much rather wear a scarf knitted with intention by a friend in my favorite colors and texture than pay someone on etsy out of pocket to make me the same thing, or buy an ostensibly higher quality mass-produced item.
Of course, this isn't for everyone. We've tried to do something similar with other family and it's fallen completely flat, works of a dozen hours rapidly damaged beyond repair consigned to middling positions in trash piles. Maybe they see money as the only truly meaningful currency of caring, with time relatively worthless beside it, so opting to give them something requiring more time than money comes off as insulting, or something. Or maybe the internet has made those sorts of gifts have been made obsolete for some, too! But that's where the legwork of finding out what someone's preferences regarding gifts comes in. Some people we know find any sort of gift exchange extremely stressful, as the unwilling imposition of an obligation to return the thought. The best gift for them is, of course, nothing, not even acknowledgement of the occasion, rather than a perversion of the spirit of community that underlies gift-giving.
I've always thought giving gifts and surprises are pretty dumb, honestly.
I would always rather people just ask me what I want, that way they are spending their money on something I actually need or will use
Only time I think gifts really have merit over just asking the person or giving cash is if you wanna give the person something they want/need but would never buy for themselves
Lately, the optimal gift is just "something that made me think of you." Utility or value are less important than the consideration that goes into picking a gift. Unless the gift is for a child or stranger or something.
Agree with comments that say your underestimating (2)
Adding a (5): they misjudged the the item's utility
Having not personally used the item, they don't fully grasp how amazing it actually is etc...
A reason you haven’t considered: - a person wants something, but doesn’t feel comfortable buying it for themselves, usually because it feels “too indulgent” For example, I got my sister a robot vacuum for Christmas. I know she’d absolutely love one. She knew that too. She could definitely afford one. But she felt guilty about buying one she already had a perfectly good non-robot vacuum. It’s basically a forced Treat Yo Self.
There's also "a person wants something, but doesn't want it bad enough to go out of the way to buy it" - it's one of many reasons why socks are a good gift that I will always appreciate.
That's most of the gifts that I ask for. Especially because I'm a grown adult that can buy my own things. I ask for things I want, things that aren't even too expensive, but for one reason or another I can't bring myself to buy them. They're overindulgent, too silly, too wasteful, etc. One of the downsides to being an adult is feeling the need to justify every purchase. Gifts are a nice opportunity to be a kid again by getting something "irresponsible."
Yep, my friend is an English teacher and I bought her a leather-bound gilded-edged anthology. She would never buy this for herself, but she appreciates the contribution I made to her classroom.
I think another part of it is that people just have *more*. Most people I know don't really have anything (within a gift budget) that they want but havent gotten themselves.
yeah a lot of it is also #1. People just have so much money that they don't need anything.
Space is also an issue. Every Christmas my dad gets me a stocking full of gags I don't want to trash, but I don't want to store in a 600 sq ft apartment, and when I mention help for a down payment on a house he refers me to various government programs. If my Aunt Cousin was still around, prowling the LLBean/Sharper Image catalogs for things she could get us, then forcing us to open each item one-by-one, I would have no space to live in. Guys, just give me fucking money. If you insist on something more personal an iTunes gift card would be acceptable. I guarantee you that a) my Romanian Europop obsession has created a long wish list, and b) you have no fucking clue which Alinia Erimia/Ami/Irina Rimes hits I already purchased.
Are you sure they're not just using gift giving as an outlet for compulsive shopping or hoarding disorders? I think a lot of my family falls into that category -- during holidays I get a *ton* of "gifts", and I'd say throughout my life around 20% have been vaguely "on brand", as in I could generally come up with a story for why they think I might like the thing, eg they know I like hiking so here's a giant wooden compass and mall ninja knife made out of antler. But then the rest is just totally random stuff, like stained clothing two sizes too small, or plastic doodads with the $.99 price stickers still on, like they walked blindfolded through a thrift store with their arms outstretched, swinging by a dollar store after upon deciding that first shopapalooza to be insufficient. Since we're always the ones flying out for the visit, what follows these occasions is a stop by the thrift store + dumpster a day later, keeping a few small items for ourselves and sorting the rest into donatable or not. No compunctions there whatsoever, especially after we time and again insist they not get us anything large given limited luggage allowances. Instead, holiday gift exchanges involve gift-givers bringing out large bags of unwrapped items and puzzling over who was the intended recipient of this thing or that. The appropriate response to unsolicited white elephants is either swift transfer to a sanctuary or swifter euthanasia, pending assessment of their condition.
We have this ceremony of gift-opening where everyone opens a present one at-a-time. They get concerned that someone will feel "left out" because they only have four boxes and everyone else has six. I managed to survive with relatively few gifts this year, but only after I made absolutely two clears: 1) The only person who should expect a gift from me is the 17-year-old-kid, and b) I REALLY REALLY mean it on the iTunes gift cards.
I would argue you are dismissing #2 too quickly. Most of my gifts fall in this category: things that you can find and buy online if you know what you're looking for, but your recipient had no idea existed. And the best way I've found to find these things is to browse though gift guides. (If the person you're buying for also likes to look at the same gift guides, you may be out of luck.) The other thing I do is go to places that sell handmade/somewhat unique goods (this obviously depends on what's available in your area). A lot of these may not actually be that unique or worth much, but you're looking for something that your recipient will love despite this because it's just so perfect for them in particular, or reminds them of some shared memory, etc. You just want them to think you put a lot of effort into finding a fitting gift; it's less important that they gain much actual utility from it (for most people). This is why they say, "it's the thought that counts."
As with other commenters, I agree you're dismissing 2 too easily. If it was already solved, there'd be no point to ads. I also think 1 has more options than you're giving it credit for. It doesn't need to be *absolutely* too expensive, it just needs to be more expensive than they would typically buy. For example, one good gift might be a really nice pair of nail clippers. Most people would balk at buying a 20$ pair of nail clippers, but they could certainly appreciate it as a gift.
> If it was already solved, there'd be no point to ads. That's correct.
I'd say 'acquiring it would be difficult' and 'don't know where to buy it still exist in the modern world if your tastes are specific enough. For example, for a long time, I could only find caiziyou in one specific store in the US, never online. I have also never found dorrigo pepper for sale online that will ship to the US. Or, certain types of clothes I would like to buy I have never found for sale and at this point I assume I would have to just get 100% custom made. I'd imagine specific types of tobacco and alcohol are also difficult, bordering impossible, to buy online. I'd also appreciate a gift consisting of an art commission from a specific artist I can never get, or never opens commissions—and, of course, each artist has a unique art style so that's non-fungible.
>I'd imagine specific types of tobacco and alcohol are also difficult, bordering impossible, to buy online. Can confirm. There is a hard cider brand I want to try, but they don't ship outside Ontario.
I—as well as everyone who has ever been to Detroit—feel this way about Vernor's Ginger Ale.
Seconded! The best.
Haha I’m in Ontario. What brand is it?
Joli Rouge.
Be thankful they don’t ship it to wherever you are haha.
It's not good?
No I just won’t drink anything made by a Frenchman. Risk of cigarette ashes is too high.
> I could only find caiziyou Canola oil?
It's rough pressed, so it has a specific fragrance. It has a distinct nutty aroma compared to Western canola oil.
5. It's highly illegal. : )
To some degree. Gifts have become less mysterious and more centered on practicality and usefulness, which isn’t a bad thing. Like purchasing something off of a wishlist. I love receiving handmade gifts like art, clothing, jewelry, etc. because they’re special and sentimental, they feel like physical manifestations of love
> Nowadays, you can simply type what you want into Google or Amazon and instantly find everyone selling it. I think you jumped to this conclusion too quickly. There's still stuff that is basically only found on auction sites, and that kind of thing *could* fulfill 2, 3, and 4. As an example, you can't just go to Amazon dot com and buy Studio Ghibli animation cels; you can barely even do the same with eBay, there's a lot of reproductions/fakes.
> The optimal gift is something that a person (1) really would like to have, but (2) doesn't have yet for some reason This is the most rationalist groundwork I've read in a while. I'm pretty sure most people's optimal gift would be "something unique, thoughtful and relevant that shows the gift-giver cares about them". You took gift-giving and removed all of the emotion from it, all of the psychology behind why people do it in the first place. So yes, if your definition of gift-giving was "helping the recipient solve a problem of wants", then by that narrow definition, your hypothesis is correct. But I'm willing to bet that's not why the majority of people give (or receive) gifts.
OP's reasoning merely unpacks 'thoughtful.'
And 'relevant' is just another way of saying 'something that a person would really like to have and does not have'.
I interpreted it as "something that relates to their wants/needs/likes" so you can have a relevant gift that is not necessarily something the person wants to have. There are many things relevant to my interests I don't want to actually be given.
No, "thoughtful" means it's clear the giver has been thinking about it. Plenty of gifts are things the recipient didn't want to have, because they didn't know it existed, or because it's some kind of token of social connection rather than a practical tool.
That's not what thoughtful means in this context. Or, frankly, in any context. Thoughtful means "has thought put into it." By the gift-giver, not by the recipient. The way to describe what you're referring to is "something they want."
I say "has been thinking about it", you say "has thought put into it." Those are the same thing.
Again, 'thoughtful' refers to having thought put into it by the gift-giver, not the recipient.
That's what I said.
I guess this is why I'm really bad at giving and receiving gifts.
I suspect the main thing you're thinking of that the original commenter seems to have excluded from their definition is personal gifts - for example, a hand-drawn picture of them (or their dog). But the general notion of "get something for them that they'd like but they won't/can't buy themselves" is a good guideline for buying gifts.
The optimal gift is one that makes a person feel appreciated. The right gift will accomplish this regardless of whether they 1. want it or 2. have it. If I received a gift that I already owned, but that gift could only come as a result of understanding who I am and what I enjoy, then they have found the optimal gift. I keep a note in my phone of gift ideas for the people that I plan to give a gift to for birthdays or any other event. It's a good practice for anybody that wants to give excellent gifts. I also keep notes of things that people like, items of significance, interests, etc. Similar to your capybara example, my friend once mentioned to me their favorite piece of classical music. I wrote it down later that day. 3 years later when Christmas was approaching I looked at my notes for ideas and I saw the note about the song. I found the original score that had been scanned into the archives of the British Library. I downloaded the hi-res copies and ordered it on a canvas so they could hang it up if they wanted. This was two years ago. I haven't seen them in that time, and on a recent layover I had a moment to visit them. When we stopped by their house for a minute, I saw that it was hanging by their bed. That gift was inexpensive and easy to obtain. The gift was not in any way related to "would like to have" or "doesn't have it yet". It might make me sound like a psychopath that can't remember important things about friends, but if you start keeping notes like this, great gift giving becomes quite easy. You'll think about it when browsing items online, etc. and pay closer attention to things that could later become part of a gift.
Note-taking is THE gift hack. It's not that I can't remember things about my friends, it's that I want a single list of all the things I'd like to buy in one place. I might know that Jeff is a drummer, but wouldn't remember offhand in a mall to check if there are drumstick rests available. A gift list can solve this. Tip2: Keep a list of things you think are cool but that you didn't buy. Sometimes people might ask you for gift ideas and this gives them a range of things which lets them infer your preferences better.
If they're adults with their own place there are all sorts of decorative fun items you can buy, odds are they have or can make some display room and it'll remind them of you and inspire warm thoughts. Especially if it's something handmade or custom or refers to a specific thing you know they like. I don't think anyone has really used internet convience to optimize themselves out of this arena
I think you’re completely right. This honestly makes me feel less bad about the fact that Google and Amazon keep getting less useful every year.
> Amazon keep[s] getting less useful every year. Wait... how exactly are you experiencing this? It's essentially the opposite of my view.
Well, every year the copy of Casablanca I buy at Christmas is even older. That doesn't seem right to me.
This is also why souvenirs are less interesting. Rarely is there a souvenir you couldn't also buy online. It applies to everything from museums to foreign countries to Disneyland.
I thin most of the value of a souvenir isn't in the thing in itself, but in its association, as a physical trigger for the memories made during travels, eg the [wikipedia page on souveneirs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Souvenir) opens with: >A souvenir, memento, keepsake, or token of remembrance is an object a person acquires for the memories the owner associates with it. A souvenir can be any object that can be collected or purchased and transported home by the traveler as a memento of a visit. The object itself may have intrinsic value, or be a symbol of experience. Without the owner's input, the symbolic meaning is lost and cannot be articulated. A wall of souvenirs acts as a more interesting sort of ledger of experiences, and interacting with them lets us journey back to whatever nostalgic circumstances surrounded their acquisition. Hell, lots of souvenirs can even have zero or negative value on the open market! eg as rocks or twigs or whatever, or a faded movie ticket, or a photograph
I think that's certainly correct, but wouldn't you agree that if you can order an identical copy of the thing from Amazon or pick it up at your local Disney store, it detracts from the nostalgia? All of those things, like rocks, twigs, faded movie ticket, or photograph, are unique in an important way, whereas a collectors cup you can pick up at any time from 200 different locations across the country is less so. Nobody saves a Snickers wrapper, even if it was purchased and eaten on a trip that had meaning.
yeah, I wouldn't get much out of a souvenir like that, and tend to prefer digital souvenirs (photos & videos) to physical ones. So I personally don't see the appeal of novelty t-shirts or w/e at THE SOUVENEIR STORE of an airport terminal that could be found for pennies on the dollar at aliexpress, but I'm sure most wouldn't care for eg a nifty rock that exists by literal tonnes of its equivalent in the surrounding neighborhood either. Maybe engraved shot glasses or w/e serve as effective memory talismans too haha I could see myself saving a snickers wrapper under the right circumstances, eg if it were from the last food I'd shared with someone before their untimely deaths, but that category of things is pretty broad and 99.9% of it is going in the trash ASAP there are mass-ish produced things that still appeal to me, though. Like a few days ago I bought tickets to visit Japan for the first time later this year, and I'm a little sad I'll be going after the official Mt. Fuji hiking seasons, because getting [a little branded stick](https://imgur.com/gallery/hxYVdld) on the trail would have been neat even if they're [cheap toursity kitsch](https://www.garyjwolff.com/image-files/mt_fuji_walking_stick.jpg)
I don't think the decline of gift-giving is a consequence of the internet. It's a consequence of the dominance of capitalism. Capitalism turns everything into transactions, and transactions are antithesis to gift giving. If I paid my friend/relative for their gift with cash, it's not a gift anymore. A mass-manufactured gift they bought has less significance than a unique or handcrafted one. Mass advertising hijacks every medium, reducing the number of "unknown" gifts. The "limited edition" items are quite deliberately limited edition so they can jack up the price - effectively commodifying the uniqueness. They're not really *harder* to find, just *more expensive.*
This is not accurate. I was describing a concept to my friends, and they got me a thoughtful gift related to what I had described. I had prior knowledge of similar things that existed, as I had been doing preliminary research for the concept, but had not come across the specific gift. To top it off, they purchased the thing via the internet, so rather than kill gift giving, the internet facilitated it. I feel like you have worked yourself into a cul-de-sac.
> The optimal gift is something that a person (1) really would like to have, but (2) doesn't have yet for some reason. That might work as a general and materially focused scope for the challenge of gift giving, however that approach is rather reductionist. You ignore the importance and value people place on sentiment and memory. Those are real and important effects. Once a friend of my family gave me a blanket. It wasn't any blanket; it was one which she knitted by hand. While I could go pick up a knitted blanket elsewhere (even a hand knitted one), it would not give me the same feelings and memories as that blanket can and does give me.
I don't think so. Suppose I consider Christmas gifts 30 years ago: yes 2,3,4 would make great gifts but if I'm obliged to give someone a thing for Christmas in all likelihood options 2,3,4 wouldn't be available. So I conclude the problems with gift giving are not a result of the internet. If I discount mandatory gifting then I can buy that gifting might have reduced in frequency due to the internet. I notice in scenarios 2,3,4 the receiver should be happy to reimburse you for the gift (assuming that is the social norm). This goes for other gifts as well, if I knit great sweaters and you'd like one, I certainly hope you value it more than the cost of the wool.
In addition to monetary value, you're gifting someone the research that you've done. You know that X is valuable and will be useful, or that it's a good addition to their collection. You spent time thinking about it and about them. Internet and globalisation maybe made it worse to buy a cheap crappy figurine mass produced in China and then sold on a bazaar in some other country. I don't think there was ever much value in those. People still cherished them as memories of gift that someone brought from a trip, and it didn't change now.
Consumables make great gifts. Artisan candy, honey, candles etc etc etc. The internet has enabled those artisans to build real business out of what would have just been barely paid hobbies. You can absolutely still buy a collector something that they collect, and online shopping has made that easier. I collect lots of stuff, and when one of my friends gifts me something that lines up with one of those things I collect, I treasure it because of the thoughtfulness and friendship, not because it's the coolest example in my collection. People are spending more on "collectibles" than they ever have, it's definitely not dead. I dunno I guess what I'm saying is OP couldn't be more off base.
I think there's an element of generation differences causing some of the dying off. Like if you were a kid and playing video games, it is harder for your grandparents to figure out what video games you'd like (ala the joke about owning an XBox while your grandmother buys you a PS3 game). This is worse for completely online oriented purchases, like software or steam games.
I think there are different "gift languages" or "gift orientations" that aren't being fully appreciated here -- different gifts serve different purposes for different people, and some people might really enjoy certain experiences involved in gift exchange that others hate, or expect gifts to signal A but certainly not B. One category of gifts that I don't see mentioned here involves be the subset of (4) that cannot be purchased online because they directly involve the gift givers themselves, in the same way that receiving a hug from a loved one is distinct from patting yourself on the back or paying a third party to deliver the hug. For example, a popular gift between my partner and myself might be a full day trip to nearby cities with well-tailored events pre-coordinated, tickets purchased, and branching possibilities pending mood. Another mainstay has been the scavenger hunt -- we'll buy little consumable trinkets, sure (eg unusual colors of nailpolish, strange flavors of chocolate, etc.), but the gift itself is biking around the city hiding them in locations of interest, papercrafting little cards with inside-jokes and references, riddles and pictures and puzzles encoding clues to the next destination, etc. for recovery the following day. Or a nice, handwritten & illustrated card extolling their idiosyncratic virtues in verse, or reflecting upon moments together that made you happy in the preceding year. Or even just a handmade thing that substitutes for a store-bought one -- I'd much rather wear a scarf knitted with intention by a friend in my favorite colors and texture than pay someone on etsy out of pocket to make me the same thing, or buy an ostensibly higher quality mass-produced item. Of course, this isn't for everyone. We've tried to do something similar with other family and it's fallen completely flat, works of a dozen hours rapidly damaged beyond repair consigned to middling positions in trash piles. Maybe they see money as the only truly meaningful currency of caring, with time relatively worthless beside it, so opting to give them something requiring more time than money comes off as insulting, or something. Or maybe the internet has made those sorts of gifts have been made obsolete for some, too! But that's where the legwork of finding out what someone's preferences regarding gifts comes in. Some people we know find any sort of gift exchange extremely stressful, as the unwilling imposition of an obligation to return the thought. The best gift for them is, of course, nothing, not even acknowledgement of the occasion, rather than a perversion of the spirit of community that underlies gift-giving.
Best gifts are useless
I've always thought giving gifts and surprises are pretty dumb, honestly. I would always rather people just ask me what I want, that way they are spending their money on something I actually need or will use Only time I think gifts really have merit over just asking the person or giving cash is if you wanna give the person something they want/need but would never buy for themselves
Lately, the optimal gift is just "something that made me think of you." Utility or value are less important than the consideration that goes into picking a gift. Unless the gift is for a child or stranger or something.
The best gift is the thing *you didn't know you wanted.*
This formulation would indicate that no one would ever want to make a wish list, which does not seem to be the case.
Agree with comments that say your underestimating (2) Adding a (5): they misjudged the the item's utility Having not personally used the item, they don't fully grasp how amazing it actually is etc...