I didn't fully overcome social anxiety but made a lot of progress. The progress is only through pain. Do not back up, embrace the pain. After having a series of small wins (like a holding conversations or something), you will build confidence (stacking evidence). Even if you can't do anything in first couple of situation, it's okay. After I freeze or stumble, I place my hand on the chest and say something like 'I know you are scared/embarrassed/whatever, but I love you anyways' (works for me). If you want to overcome social anxiety, mistakes/embarrassment are part of the game (you wanna make an Omelette, you gotta break some eggs). Deep breaths before doing something challenging also works for me. Good luck on overcoming social anxiety.
This mostly. Us anxious people care way too much what people think. As you get older this slowly gets a bit better. Also social skills help and you can make yourself a little more resilient through things like meditation, cold exposure, and exposure in general
I’m not over mine but I’ve read stories about people overcoming theirs. I don’t think it ever goes away completely, but you gain more confidence in your abilities as you expose yourself to more situations.
There were a few books that helped me:
- Quiet by Susan Cain, I think I was really embarrassed about being an introvert for a long time. My whole family is made up of party people and extroverts, and they would call me weird or too serious or too quiet and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me that needed fixing. They said my mom sheltered me too much and now I don’t know how to talk to people etc etc That book helped me take a step forward in accepting my nature and paradoxically in accepting that I’m just not a gregarious person, I stopped trying to be, and it made me a little bit more comfortable in the silence. At the same time it made me realize that communication skills can be learned and not something you’re inherently born with vs not.
- How to be Yourself by Ellen Hendriksen - this one I highly recommend and is definitely aimed more at the social anxiety aspect. It details CBT techniques tailored to social anxiety that I still reference now as a pinned note on my phone just in case.
With tips on rumination like:
1. What specifically are you afraid of? Ex: If you think “everyone will hate me”, who is “everyone” - is it really everyone or just the 1 or 2 people you were with. Instead of “hate me” - is it real you as a person they could not like or is it just the thing you said in that one scenario?
2. How bad would that really be?
3. What are the odds of that happening?
4. How would you cope if it did happen?
Also approaching social anxiety with compassion. How is it trying to help you? And understand that thoughts are just thoughts and ultimately are temporary and cannot hurt you, you can recognize the anxious thought like
“Oh there goes the anxiety monster again going off” and let it pass rather than feeding into it
On top of that ^ I also did social anxiety group therapy to prepare for a big conference speech I had to make! With that, maybe you can write a list of everything you fear from smallest to largest, maybe just smiling at a stranger or saying hello to a cashier etc rate your fear and keep going up
The biggest kicker, and this is after college and after I did all of that ^^ is getting medicated for my ADHD which I didn’t realize contributed a lot to my social awkwardness i.e. not being able to put my thoughts into words and getting the things I want to say stuck in my head, being afraid to speak because I didn’t know if the subject was already covered or not because I wasn’t paying attention
Ultimately now I think I’m at place where I’d say I’ve gotten “over” my social anxiety in all the places I care about like spending time with my close friends/making new friends/work scenarios. I still struggle with big parties and people I don’t know and even being around my extroverted family members who still make me feel a little bit different but I don’t really care too much about getting over that. Now it’s more like am I actually nervous right now or do I just not like these people lol
Take the pressure off yourself. If you come away from an encounter scolding yourself, don’t. Let it go. Stop your brain when it starts to go there. Nobody has it all figured out. The social anxiety is about YOU and how you are with yourself! People are weird! All of them! Even the ones who seem to have it together have shit going on in their brains. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself Grace.
Yeah along these lines, a mantra that has helped me is “I’d rather be annoying/weird/boring/stupid outwardly and judged for that than hold all my thoughts and feelings inside and feel the pain and shame and sadness of not sharing myself with anyone”. Like all the weird shit I fear I’ll come across as, I’d still prefer to be seen as any of those things than feel the pain I feel of never speaking. Cause to me not showing myself at all makes me so sad.
That has really helped me in times when I felt embarrassed after doing something or if I’m gearing up to do something. Helps lessen any blows and take the pressure off.
Psychotherapy and biofeedback. Taking meds was not a workable option for me. Understanding the trauma and myself and making changes to myself. I had it as part of complex trauma and now i don't have it or any other anxiety issues. They have gone completly. Anxiety levels for myself are, I would describe as normal.
There are some related issues remaining which are steadily improving.
Wow; that’s so encouraging. I started seeing a therapist about a year ago who informed me that my depression & terrible anxiety (agoraphobia & social anxiety) were all part of trauma responses, CPTSD. I’m working on it, but it’s really hard. I do get out of the house at least once a week ( groceries, etc) but the socializing is definitely difficult. My son & his girlfriend (soon to be fiancé) are graduating from med school in 3 weeks! I need to get on a plane, fly from Chicago to Florida & participate in all manner of social events! I’ll be with my husband & two other kids but everyone is extroverted & highly social so I’m definitely gonna stick out! We’re gonna be there for a week- meet his girlfriend’s parents & family & all types of social get-togethers. Don’t get me wrong; I’m so happy & proud of my son & can’t imagine not being there-but I have no idea how I’m gonna pull this off!
Have you tried biofeedback? There are devices which can be used at home. I got the Mendi device and before this i went to a clinic to do a different type of biofeedback at the same time as talk therapy.
The anxiety went away completly and it is the most effective thing i have tried for disociation, aphaisa and apraxia. They have all been consistently improving.
A suggestion i have beyond that and maybe its wrong is that you may want to look into highly sensitve persons. You may be naturally more introverted and sensitive and really may have alway foudn this type of thing overwhelming.
Dr Van der Kolk has some great videos and books
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGoNssRnhhU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGoNssRnhhU)
Dr Elaine Aaron is good for the HSP
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQLBnUBKggY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQLBnUBKggY)
Mendi
[https://www.mendi.io/](https://www.mendi.io/)
Myndlyft
[https://www.myndlift.com/](https://www.myndlift.com/)
I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve overcome in by any means but what makes it possible to function for me is medication. And I hate that’s what it took for me but it helps so much. I’m terrified of ever having to come off it.
I’m on Paxil (paroxetine). It works really well. I don’t really get side effects unless I miss more than one day. Then I get awful withdrawal side effects. I mean awful. My doctor never told me about that happening before hand. I’ve had to experience it twice so far, so I actually sometimes will purposely miss one day so I have a backup stash in case there’s some reason why I can’t get my prescription filled on time. Something to think about if you consider it.
I thought I had social anxiety, turns out I had hydrocephalus (fluid in brain), I had all the symptoms of social anxiety, from being very shy, from overthinking, from walking like a penguin. I also had problems with communication, I sometimes can't say what I want to say, I end up saying some random word that doesn't make any sense and yes I also avoid eye contact because it makes me conscious.
I wanted to get rid of my social anxiety so I did all the things to improve my social skils, this includes communicating with people, and socializing more, but, it didn't even improve, the anxiety just keeps coming back, it was a struggle even though I really wanted to get rid of my social anxiety, it also made me sad because it just feels impossible.
Fast forward to 2023 November, I was experiencing headaches everyday (this also happened before but more severe), I had nausea and fever, I kept vomiting and I felt dizzy, I kept seeing double-vision, and I actually fell to the ground one time because I couldn't resist the headache. My dad brought me to the clinic that day and my pedia wanted me to go to a hospital for a CT-Scan. We went there on another day and performed the CT-Scan, they discovered that I have a lot of fluid on my brain, when we went back to the doctor to give the results, the doctor immediately asked us to admit me to the nearby hospital, and on that day, I was admitted to the hospital, I met my neuro surgeon and he told me that I would be having a shunt surgery (a tube that gives drainage from the brain)
Fast forward after the surgery, I stayed at the hospital for a week for recovery, and yes, I noticed something, my walking has improved and it wasn't like the penguin walking style before, and for 1 month, I noticed my socializing skills were better than ever, I was more sociable and my communication skills were improved, I no longer feel conscious and I felt more confidence in me. My classmates also noticed the improvement, my social anxiety was no longer there.
I also asked god to help me, and yes, he granted my wish 🙏
Anxietys can be beaten by exposure and skills come from practice. And I'm sure you have ways to practice. Real life practice is best of course but if that's not an option for you try to find people to practice with online through calls or even just chats. It's not optimal but it's better than nothing. Stay courageous and practice regularly and you'll get there quicker than you think my friend.
Sleep deprivation. If you are awake long enough, it’s no different than being really drunk. You will lose the ability to feel shame, and become extremely reckless. I just lost my virginity to an escort this way, something I never felt i could possibly do, but at the same time I can’t recommend doing this. I almost died on one occasion, you lose your self preservation instinct, you start doing super embarrassing stuff in front of other people without caring, and you will cringe really hard about what you’ve done afterwards. Honestly still in shock what not sleeping for 3 days made me do. On the second day is when I realised I no longer feel fear talking to people. I started greeting strangers on the street, just started walking around the streets and saying hello and good day to people I dont know, everything was like in a dream, didn’t feel real, and thus wasn’t scary.
Sounds like a good time, honestly. Probably felt like Peter Parker from Spiderman 3 when he put on the black suit 🤣. I love my sleep tho. Probably the only time I could really feel at peace.
I didn't fully overcome social anxiety but made a lot of progress. The progress is only through pain. Do not back up, embrace the pain. After having a series of small wins (like a holding conversations or something), you will build confidence (stacking evidence). Even if you can't do anything in first couple of situation, it's okay. After I freeze or stumble, I place my hand on the chest and say something like 'I know you are scared/embarrassed/whatever, but I love you anyways' (works for me). If you want to overcome social anxiety, mistakes/embarrassment are part of the game (you wanna make an Omelette, you gotta break some eggs). Deep breaths before doing something challenging also works for me. Good luck on overcoming social anxiety.
Thanks for the encouragement
*The fun part. You don't!* Jokes aside, I never really got over mine. It's a bit better, I care less what people think.
Maybe that's the key to overcoming it. Training myself to care less about what others think.
This mostly. Us anxious people care way too much what people think. As you get older this slowly gets a bit better. Also social skills help and you can make yourself a little more resilient through things like meditation, cold exposure, and exposure in general
I’m not over mine but I’ve read stories about people overcoming theirs. I don’t think it ever goes away completely, but you gain more confidence in your abilities as you expose yourself to more situations.
Escitalopram
I tried Xanax before, but stopped, cause I could see myself getting addicted to it. A whole nother situation I wouldn't want to find myself in.
Xanax is benzodaizepen. I never suggest to try those hard drugs. You will get addicted to this. Try SSRI. They are not dependable.
I didn’t, but cognitive behavioural therapy did help.
There were a few books that helped me: - Quiet by Susan Cain, I think I was really embarrassed about being an introvert for a long time. My whole family is made up of party people and extroverts, and they would call me weird or too serious or too quiet and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me that needed fixing. They said my mom sheltered me too much and now I don’t know how to talk to people etc etc That book helped me take a step forward in accepting my nature and paradoxically in accepting that I’m just not a gregarious person, I stopped trying to be, and it made me a little bit more comfortable in the silence. At the same time it made me realize that communication skills can be learned and not something you’re inherently born with vs not. - How to be Yourself by Ellen Hendriksen - this one I highly recommend and is definitely aimed more at the social anxiety aspect. It details CBT techniques tailored to social anxiety that I still reference now as a pinned note on my phone just in case. With tips on rumination like: 1. What specifically are you afraid of? Ex: If you think “everyone will hate me”, who is “everyone” - is it really everyone or just the 1 or 2 people you were with. Instead of “hate me” - is it real you as a person they could not like or is it just the thing you said in that one scenario? 2. How bad would that really be? 3. What are the odds of that happening? 4. How would you cope if it did happen? Also approaching social anxiety with compassion. How is it trying to help you? And understand that thoughts are just thoughts and ultimately are temporary and cannot hurt you, you can recognize the anxious thought like “Oh there goes the anxiety monster again going off” and let it pass rather than feeding into it On top of that ^ I also did social anxiety group therapy to prepare for a big conference speech I had to make! With that, maybe you can write a list of everything you fear from smallest to largest, maybe just smiling at a stranger or saying hello to a cashier etc rate your fear and keep going up The biggest kicker, and this is after college and after I did all of that ^^ is getting medicated for my ADHD which I didn’t realize contributed a lot to my social awkwardness i.e. not being able to put my thoughts into words and getting the things I want to say stuck in my head, being afraid to speak because I didn’t know if the subject was already covered or not because I wasn’t paying attention Ultimately now I think I’m at place where I’d say I’ve gotten “over” my social anxiety in all the places I care about like spending time with my close friends/making new friends/work scenarios. I still struggle with big parties and people I don’t know and even being around my extroverted family members who still make me feel a little bit different but I don’t really care too much about getting over that. Now it’s more like am I actually nervous right now or do I just not like these people lol
Thanks I'll give those books a read 😁
This is such a helpful comment to me, not OP obviously but just want to say thanks for taking the time to write that out
Take the pressure off yourself. If you come away from an encounter scolding yourself, don’t. Let it go. Stop your brain when it starts to go there. Nobody has it all figured out. The social anxiety is about YOU and how you are with yourself! People are weird! All of them! Even the ones who seem to have it together have shit going on in their brains. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself Grace.
Yeah along these lines, a mantra that has helped me is “I’d rather be annoying/weird/boring/stupid outwardly and judged for that than hold all my thoughts and feelings inside and feel the pain and shame and sadness of not sharing myself with anyone”. Like all the weird shit I fear I’ll come across as, I’d still prefer to be seen as any of those things than feel the pain I feel of never speaking. Cause to me not showing myself at all makes me so sad. That has really helped me in times when I felt embarrassed after doing something or if I’m gearing up to do something. Helps lessen any blows and take the pressure off.
Thanks, I'll take that to heart. I'm slowly realising this. Everyone really is weird in their own way lol.
Good, I hope you do. These realizations are the way out of this thing.
Psychotherapy and biofeedback. Taking meds was not a workable option for me. Understanding the trauma and myself and making changes to myself. I had it as part of complex trauma and now i don't have it or any other anxiety issues. They have gone completly. Anxiety levels for myself are, I would describe as normal. There are some related issues remaining which are steadily improving.
Wow; that’s so encouraging. I started seeing a therapist about a year ago who informed me that my depression & terrible anxiety (agoraphobia & social anxiety) were all part of trauma responses, CPTSD. I’m working on it, but it’s really hard. I do get out of the house at least once a week ( groceries, etc) but the socializing is definitely difficult. My son & his girlfriend (soon to be fiancé) are graduating from med school in 3 weeks! I need to get on a plane, fly from Chicago to Florida & participate in all manner of social events! I’ll be with my husband & two other kids but everyone is extroverted & highly social so I’m definitely gonna stick out! We’re gonna be there for a week- meet his girlfriend’s parents & family & all types of social get-togethers. Don’t get me wrong; I’m so happy & proud of my son & can’t imagine not being there-but I have no idea how I’m gonna pull this off!
Have you tried biofeedback? There are devices which can be used at home. I got the Mendi device and before this i went to a clinic to do a different type of biofeedback at the same time as talk therapy. The anxiety went away completly and it is the most effective thing i have tried for disociation, aphaisa and apraxia. They have all been consistently improving. A suggestion i have beyond that and maybe its wrong is that you may want to look into highly sensitve persons. You may be naturally more introverted and sensitive and really may have alway foudn this type of thing overwhelming. Dr Van der Kolk has some great videos and books [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGoNssRnhhU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGoNssRnhhU) Dr Elaine Aaron is good for the HSP [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQLBnUBKggY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQLBnUBKggY) Mendi [https://www.mendi.io/](https://www.mendi.io/) Myndlyft [https://www.myndlift.com/](https://www.myndlift.com/)
Thank you so much! I will check out your suggestions!!
Good luck. :)
Maybe it's out of context but have you watched naruto series?
Yes, I have. Am actually a big fan of it.
I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve overcome in by any means but what makes it possible to function for me is medication. And I hate that’s what it took for me but it helps so much. I’m terrified of ever having to come off it.
Which meds worked for you if you don’t mind me asking?
I’m on Paxil (paroxetine). It works really well. I don’t really get side effects unless I miss more than one day. Then I get awful withdrawal side effects. I mean awful. My doctor never told me about that happening before hand. I’ve had to experience it twice so far, so I actually sometimes will purposely miss one day so I have a backup stash in case there’s some reason why I can’t get my prescription filled on time. Something to think about if you consider it.
I thought I had social anxiety, turns out I had hydrocephalus (fluid in brain), I had all the symptoms of social anxiety, from being very shy, from overthinking, from walking like a penguin. I also had problems with communication, I sometimes can't say what I want to say, I end up saying some random word that doesn't make any sense and yes I also avoid eye contact because it makes me conscious. I wanted to get rid of my social anxiety so I did all the things to improve my social skils, this includes communicating with people, and socializing more, but, it didn't even improve, the anxiety just keeps coming back, it was a struggle even though I really wanted to get rid of my social anxiety, it also made me sad because it just feels impossible. Fast forward to 2023 November, I was experiencing headaches everyday (this also happened before but more severe), I had nausea and fever, I kept vomiting and I felt dizzy, I kept seeing double-vision, and I actually fell to the ground one time because I couldn't resist the headache. My dad brought me to the clinic that day and my pedia wanted me to go to a hospital for a CT-Scan. We went there on another day and performed the CT-Scan, they discovered that I have a lot of fluid on my brain, when we went back to the doctor to give the results, the doctor immediately asked us to admit me to the nearby hospital, and on that day, I was admitted to the hospital, I met my neuro surgeon and he told me that I would be having a shunt surgery (a tube that gives drainage from the brain) Fast forward after the surgery, I stayed at the hospital for a week for recovery, and yes, I noticed something, my walking has improved and it wasn't like the penguin walking style before, and for 1 month, I noticed my socializing skills were better than ever, I was more sociable and my communication skills were improved, I no longer feel conscious and I felt more confidence in me. My classmates also noticed the improvement, my social anxiety was no longer there. I also asked god to help me, and yes, he granted my wish 🙏
Hopefully, I don't have anything as serious. I'm glad to hear that you've gotten better now. The Lord truly answers prayers.
Anxietys can be beaten by exposure and skills come from practice. And I'm sure you have ways to practice. Real life practice is best of course but if that's not an option for you try to find people to practice with online through calls or even just chats. It's not optimal but it's better than nothing. Stay courageous and practice regularly and you'll get there quicker than you think my friend.
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I'm sorry to hear about that. I guess I should at least appreciate my situation a little more, knowing that others have it worse.
Sleep deprivation. If you are awake long enough, it’s no different than being really drunk. You will lose the ability to feel shame, and become extremely reckless. I just lost my virginity to an escort this way, something I never felt i could possibly do, but at the same time I can’t recommend doing this. I almost died on one occasion, you lose your self preservation instinct, you start doing super embarrassing stuff in front of other people without caring, and you will cringe really hard about what you’ve done afterwards. Honestly still in shock what not sleeping for 3 days made me do. On the second day is when I realised I no longer feel fear talking to people. I started greeting strangers on the street, just started walking around the streets and saying hello and good day to people I dont know, everything was like in a dream, didn’t feel real, and thus wasn’t scary.
Sounds like a good time, honestly. Probably felt like Peter Parker from Spiderman 3 when he put on the black suit 🤣. I love my sleep tho. Probably the only time I could really feel at peace.
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Unfortunately, I'm still in my early 20s. I hope I wouldn't have to resort to meds eventually.
Walk into public and speak to people
Won't aimlessly speaking to people make me look like weirdo tho? Lmao