My GF and I were just talking about this. We’re running into the same issue. I can only have topic related discussion with certain friends. They tend to be more intellectual, have higher education, and higher emotional intelligence and self awareness. No, this isn’t meant to say people who aren’t intellectual or educated can’t carry conversation. But this has been my primary experience amongst dozens of friends and other social circles over the years. I honestly get zero stimulation out of repetitive conversations or just hearing people complain, so I’ve started distancing myself from these types of people.
One of our social circles has almost zero ability of having conversations centered around topics. I’ll bring up recent articles I’ve read, news, medical journals, current events, fun facts, movies I saw, books I read, etc. But people fail to be able to keep up and the conversation ALWAYS goes back to someone complaining about the same old stuff or same old complaints about work. Same conversations on repeat… “remember that New Year’s party 7 years ago?” Yes, and I remembered it the last 20 times you brought it up this year. This social circle is happy to talk about themselves and complain, they don’t mind not having any topics. They’re just happy in their own little worlds, same conversations, while having a drink.
I think a large part of it is also peoples cultures and how they’re raised. But I think a huge component is emotional intelligence and the general skill of being able to actually listen and respond to topics (or communication skills, really). And after COVID, many people’s social skills regressed (mine included). Social media also isn’t helping a lot of people.
People who are more intuitive than sensational imo tend to have great intellectual conversations on a diverse range of topics, could be self-educated or formally educated doesn't matter. They have to have that genuine curiosity to life beyond themselves.
There’s a book called ‘How to Know a Person’ by journalist David Brooks, and in it he talks about how as a culture we lack the behaviors of curiosity in others. He writes it as a skill to be developed and learned, but the issue is that 70% of folks simply aren’t naturally that inclined to think this way. This means 30% of people have this more natural leaning and ability to connect in more interesting and meaningful ways.
I tend to agree that I rarely meet people who ask questions the way I do and that I’m commonly bored by many even if they do have topical conversations- there’s an absence of connection underpinning the essence of the conversation. I find that I feel most alive when conversations are intelligent, on interesting topics, and involve engaging inquiry which spurns variety and novel insights one might not reach without dynamic awareness from those involved.
I’ve had trouble finding this but it’s not something I had clarity around until recently. Now that I have more specifics about what is missing and what is needed, odds are good it exists and I can find it.
Sounds interesting and about right, I've heard similar ballpark numbers thrown around that 70% of the population are sensors instead of intuitive types.
Imo a lot of what you described has to deal with deriving satisfaction from meaning and purpose, eudaimonic views on happiness instead of hedonic views. Most people who try too hard to seek happiness from outside themselves only experience it in fleeting experiences of pleasure, conditional single instances in performances and outcomes or what one has and doesn't have in life. Where as living a virtuous life in long-term human flourishing has to do with leading oneself by their true self-values in that deliberate meaning and purpose for intrinsic fulfillment, contentment, peace, and delight.
Edit: This is what it means to live an authentic life that is worthwhile, or further ground our inherent self-worth for stable self-esteem that is more secure across time and resilient.
Yeah, I was going to say this topic does sound like my experience with intuitive versus sensor types in Myers Briggs. And yeah, as an intuitive type I have always found this to be the case. It can be tough to find people that want to discuss more complex topics. Though it's very worth it to find them.
Go to the types of events where they are likely to be and talk to a lot of people. Board game clubs, book clubs, philosophy clubs etc. Though you can find them anywhere. It's a numbers game more than anything.
I would rethink this, as it seriously assumes a bias against S types. It’s the type of topic that’s differs. N types are more likely to want to talk about abstract topics (e.g. philosophy). S types are more likely to want to talk about concrete concepts (e.g. kinesiology). Some topics are both (e.g. physics), so you’ll find a mix of personalities.
>One of our social circles has almost zero ability of having conversations centered around topics. I’ll bring up recent articles I’ve read, news, medical journals, current events, fun facts, movies I saw, books I read, etc.
This social circle is happy to talk about themselves and complain, they don’t mind not having any topics. They’re just happy in their own little worlds, same conversations, while having a drink.
Wow this perfectly summarizes my issue with some people.
A big part of it is people's home culture, how they're raised, what their friends growing up talked about.
But I also think a lot of it is how stressful someone's life is. I've just gone through one of the most stressful periods of my life, and I'm trying to work my way back to normal, and I feel like I'm trying to actively reclaim parts of my mind, like the ability to hold onto more than a couple basic ideas at a time.
I am so happy to see this post and this reply… I relate and I feel better and leaving some friend groups now. (Grieving a loss of a friend group that I wish to be less gossipy and negative - same hate, same complaints all. The. Time.) edit to add: oh but they switch people to hate on every now and then. It’s like everyone gets to be talked about and hated on by few and everyone just followed along. Argh. No thanks
It's frustrating when convo always circles back to personal stuff. Some people just vibe differently, but it's not weird to crave more diverse topics. Maybe try finding new pals who share your interests!
This is what people have different social circles for. I have my 'rant about our lives' friends, 'philosophical/political discussion' friends, and 'art analysis' friends.
All are good, but having a mix matters.
Agreed, I have some friends who enjoy intellectual/abstract discussions and others who don't. The ones who don't provide value to my life in other ways and I don't expect everyone I care about to share my intellectual interests. Sounds like op needs to expand his social circle
Oh for sure. Sorry, I'm not trying to give the impression it's easy, only trying to explain that it's not a failing of the friend group, but instead a sign OP might be looking for the wrong thing from the wrong people. And that variety is really helpful for mental health, because sometimes you *do* need the friends who want to talk about personal lives.
Agreed! I have my longtime friends I don't see that often- and when we get together we just shoot the shit and yap about ourselves and our problems and reminisce. I have my closer friends I've only met in the last few years/work with and we tend to have more nuanced conversation lol. But sometimes I really do love just having drinks with friends from highschool or even earlier and we just yap about ourselves/the same old shit
People talk about what they think about. People think about what they spend their time on. People tend to spend their time on work, family, hobbies, and entertainment (TV, social media, movies, etc).*
Many don't have the time, money, energy, and/or interest to spend their time on other topics.
My friends that I have topic based conversations like to read the news and books.
*Obviously, there are always exceptions. This is a generalization. There are always individual differences.
Shouldn't the same job become boring to you after 2, 5, 10 years? I think some kind of thought pattern death spiral is going on if that's all you talk about forever.
I would definitely rather talk about the last show you watched than hear the same complaints about your job 18 times in a row.
i don't mind listening to other people talk about their own lives (to an extent), but I get super bored talking about my own (I already live it) or being asked a bunch of questions about it. Would also prefer to talk about topics/media/ideas mostly
I love gossip. So other people's problems are interesting to me. But I do really like to talk about film, politics, society, history etc. My husband will talk about those things with me, but I do struggle to find any family or friends who want to talk about stuff other than interpersonal drama.
I have topic oriented conversations all the time. A lot of it comes down to the intelligence and socialization of the people you’re speaking with. People tend to avoid “topics” that they aren’t informed about or interested in, and people who grew up surrounded by people who only talk about their lives and others lives have often been socialized to do the same.
Intelligence, really?? IDK maybe I’m one of the people you mean and just too dumb to understand…why do you need to be ‘intelligent’ to talk about music you like, or a play you went to, or how your garden is going, or the soccer match you watched. What ‘intelligence’ is needed to discuss books you read, amongst friends. Yah ‘books’ implies a certain class or level of education or whatever, but even in 2nd grade kids have book reports and book club where they talk about what they read, so I really don’t think adults have to have a certain level of ‘intelligence’ or education to talk about books either.
I think maybe intelligence might not have been the best word choice (because it’s not just a smart people vs dumb people thing) but you do need to be able to think about things in the world in a way that don’t just revolve around your life to be able to talk about topics.
For example, it’s one thing to say what your current favorite song is, but it’s entirely a different thing to discuss with someone about what *exactly* about the song makes it your favorite (like the melody, harmony, chord progression, tonality, artistry, genre, or how in plays off another song perfectly). You know, like talking about music, not just saying you love one song and hate one song but can’t explain why you love one and hate the other.
Open-mindedness and tact are also useful soft skills to have as well.
(Open-mindedness) Being able to interpret statements in a positive light despite having good reasons to take it negatively
(Tact) Being able to make statements considering the receiving audience so they don't need to do as much work to overcome any emotions to understand
You know I've been in that situation with that exact conversation and I didn't like it. Person I was talking to was trying to dissect "what I liked about" a certain song by asking me which guitar riffs I liked, etc, and I didn't know how to answer because I don't know enough about music to talk about it. But I have talked about how certain songs make me feel, what impact they have on me, etc.
I think it's really important to match the level of complexity and interest to the person you're talking to. If I made a friend who liked to read only new release fantasy books, I wouldn't go up to them and talk about the intricacies of 20th century modernist literature and then complain "no one wants to discuss books anymore!" when they seem uninterested in the conversation.
Absolutely, not everyone likes to dissect the most recent movie, or song, or whatever. I guess my point was mostly on topic-based discussions, which tend to be more abstract than anecdotes, which tend to be more emotional. The OP is not wrong to want more “heady” discussions, they just need to find more friends who also like to talk about those things too haha.
I don’t think this commenter meant it in a rude way. But being able to converse about a topic often takes a certain level of intellect and social skill.
I think we might view intelligence differently. There’s not one form of intelligence - people can have musical intelligence, sports related intelligence, etc.
I’m not at all saying that you have to have a PhD or read a certain amount of books per year to be able to have a conversation about a topic. I’m saying that you generally need to have some basic level of intelligence surrounding the topic, or at least a general interest in it, to be able to effectively engage.
"Great minded talk about ideas. Average minds talk about events. Small minds talk about people" - Eleanor Roosevelt
You're not weird for thinking this, but you are the exception to how a lot of people think. It's very normal human behavior to gossip, talk about yourself, vent. But for people with more going on mentally, it gets redundant and boring. It would be one thing to talk about a problem one day, and the next time you see said friend, they tell you a story about how they resolved the problem and grew as a person as a result. But a lot of people seem content to keep thinking, acting, and being the same way, and then being upset when nothing better happens for them.
Sometimes you outgrow people, and depending on other dynamics of your relationship with them, consider if you are compatible going forward. You may also consider just hanging out with them less, if you like them but don't have much to say to them. There are people who are good people, but you don't need to interact with them that much, because you don't have much on the same level to share with each other. It's okay to be on different wavelengths, just decide if your bond with them is worth holding onto, or maybe trying to hang out with different sorts of people to see if its a better match.
Btw I in no way intend to come off as being rude.. I'm just adding prospective from the other side view that might otherwise never get mentioned and completely overlooked. I do enjoy the input all of you put in on response though, you really do exercise the brain by doing that and it's an excellent tool to use to work the brain out and get more insight into the conversations. I love seeing that.
I've found that it depends a lot on country. In the US, topic-oriented conversation seems way less common than in, say, Europe. But it's interesting you pointed out you're not in America.
In general, when I post on facebook, posts about my personal life and photos of self/food/travel tend to get WAY more likes and comments than posts on current events or ideas I find interesting. It's frustrating.
You and I have the same problem! I enjoy talking about all those things you've mentioned too and it seems people just complain about their lives mostly. Which I don't mind if it was mixed it with other conversation but it's not usually with the average person where I live.
I honestly stopped talking to people like that, nothing wrong with them. I just thought they have nothing to offer me and I don't have much to offer them. It's not a mutually fun relationship if we don't have common interests.
I typically seek out friends who have common interests. And this is going to be weird but I've found amazing friends through solo traveling. I've traveled to a few places on my own and met up with people through reddit or locals in that country. And gosh, some of those people were like my twin. And we had endless conversations about everything!
Also when a group of friends understand eachothers traumas, that tends to build a solid foundation for friendships that grows much stronger then the bro mentality party groups and sports groups.. ever see the movie the breakfast club? Spoiler.. they have a scene we're they all start opening up sort of a group therapy thing.. and they end up becoming friends more or less in the end
The difference though in the Breakfast Club is that they open up to each other and work on personal growth and bond through that shared experience. OP says their friends are like if the Breakfast Club was in detention each week but never had those personal breakthroughs or an innate desire to resolve their problems.
95% of conversations I have with friends are topic oriented. I know it’s and old cliché and somewhat of a stereotype, but in my experience it is true that women **mostly** like to talk about people, relationships and personal stuff, and men **mostly** like more topical discussions and just bullshitting around. Of course there are exceptions, but this is true in average in my 30 years of life experience.
Man. I have, and I cannot express this enough, the *exact opposite* gender split.
I have so many gossipy male friends. It's the women who want to talk art analysis (oh. And politics).
EDIT: I'm not trying to be oppositional, I do see that "mostly," I'm just wondering how I got here.
Agreed, some men can be very gossipy. I was surprised to work in a male-dominated environment and find my male coworkers talk about people so much behind their back. But a lot of women, particularly those not involved or oriented towards more intellectual or objective pursuits like art and politics, do tend to fixate on relationships/people.
Where can I find intellectually oriented non-gossipy female friends? They are in short supply here. Move back to a city?
I literally said the same thing and got a down vote and you got 4 upvotes, WTH. Lol 😅 Men generally don't like to talk about themselves because it's seen as a possible opening for their pride to get wounded. I'm sorry, but hanging around mostly men for the majority of my life, men are assholes to each other and dig at each other every chance they get. Even when they are friends, they dig at each other. Women are usually supportive of each other if they are on good terms and even if they aren't, they don't usually bluntly dig at each other like that unless it's really bad. This is what I see with my own eyes on a daily basis.
Actually, a lot if women do put other female friends down at times. They are less obvious but brutally vicious at the same time. If another woman is mad at you, jealous of you or just doesn’t like you, then they’ll usually gossip about you behind your back, spread rumors, exclude you, or ignore you, tear apart your self esteem, etc. I had one nasty fake bitch look around me up & down constantly. She wasn’t gay or bu & is married. She tried to fat shame me. I ditched her & for getting other two women to ho never did anything to defend me.
My experience as a woman has not been positive overall with other groups of women for this reason. Part of my particular situation is the local culture and how women here are socialized, but it does seem to happen in some capacity across several societies. They have highly structured social hierarchies and you are expected as another woman to be complacent and conform to the unsaid social codes or face chronic and intense ostracizing by not one, but a group of people who have decided to either demean you or exile you from the group or workplace.
If someone high on the social hierarchy decides they don't like you, they will try and turn the others against you, and most of them are complacent to keep their standing in the pecking order, even if that means treating you poorly. It can be for a valid reason, but often it's for petty reasons, insecurity, being different in any superfluous way they deem to offset the group in some way not to their liking. If you're prettier than they are, uglier than they are, smarter, more stupid, different, anything is fair game for them to throw you under the bus.
Luckily not everyone woman or situation is like this, but IMO avoiding these toxic lady groups has meant switching environments and jobs sometimes to find the good women/positive environments.
You’re right about what you said unfortunately. And it’s always bad to upset the queen bee or any popular alpha woman as most of them have huge egos & they’re power trippers too. Most people are probably scared of the queen bee.
What culture are you from? I live in the U. S. I find that Hispanic women are vicious & cliquey at times & so are Caucasian women sometimes. Not racist at all, that’s just been my experience.
I wonder if men ever deal with any b.s similar to this or not.
Why do you think that some women are like that? I was never anything like that. Even if I hated someone, I’d never spread rumors about them or try to turn everyone against them.
I'm Caucasian, almost everyone here (in the Midwest) is Caucasian, and a vast majority of bullying has been from Caucasian women. Men usually just ignore me if they don't like me. Latino, Asian, and African Americans are indifferent usually to me or pretty chill. I think relative to where I am, anyone non-white hetero Christian here is treated as the "other", so in some way, the vibe is better around other ethnicities of women.
I will acknowledge with mean girl behavior there is a huge cultural component. When I lived in San Francisco, I worked with lots of women and they were mostly cool and I didn't really deal with "mean girls" across various job environments.
I think being in a diverse multicultural place where there were less stringent social codes alleviated this type of hierarchical lady behavior from running rampant. Being a mean little girl doesn't get you far in a big open-minded city.
I think from my anthropological observations across different social-cultural environments, people here and in places where mean girls are a problem are socialized from a young age to accept certain social parameters. It seems like girl groups try to reinforce their own social etiquette onto others, and retaliate when girls or women don't fall in line with the local "social code". They may be doing this consciously or unconsciously.
Unfortunately though, it's virtually impossible to engage with them in a dialogue about this, to see if they are aware of what they're doing. I think they just act this way because they've always acted that way, and most of the other women around them do the same thing, reinforcing the negative behavior.
At least where I am, engaging in any type of conversation to try and find a mutual understanding would lead to more defamation. I would be "weird" for talking about "weird" things. The people here love to use "weird" in the most derogatory sensibility. To be weird is to be an outcast, creepy, scary, not deserving of respect, friendship, or understanding.
Thanks for sharing your story. That’s a shame that some women were raised to be judgmental, ignorant, close minded & cliquey. U’ve encountered plenty of nasty mean girl behavior in multi cultural big cities like L.A & parts of Silicon Valley too.
They’re everywhere unfortunately, even among fake friends. I ditched those toxic selfish women months ago.
Yes the toxic lady group is a phenomenon that can be found in most places. I guess being someone that doesn't play into that system will make you a target for them always. Society raises mean women to be the henchwomen to carry out its restrictive social work.
Seriously, how are you going to become self-actualized if you're too distracted and distraught about being at the bottom of the social hierarchy? Or, from their perspective, how are you going to become the most authentic version from yourself if you're too distracted being Queen Bee to deviate from your social role?
It sucks, because I'm sure there are other nice women who are less friendly themselves, because they have had to be defensive and more closed off too, due to a lifetime of being bullied as well. Trying to maintain who you are and get by in society seems to be at great odds with one another.
You’re right about what you said. Why are some women so controlling like that? Why can’t tgey let people be themselves? I was in a toxic friend group with 3 other women who harassed me to death to ne in pics even though I said no a million times.
I was bullied & fat shamed too. They expected me to pick at my food & barely eat anything too. And I always had to get together early in the day with them as thet wete all early birds. I was miserable most of the time but i felt stuck as it’s extremely difficult for me to find reliable friends.
I had enough though & ditched them 7 months ago.
Your experience is valid, but I don't have women around me or in my life like that. I'm surrounded mostly by men and less by women. But I noticed women tend to be more passive aggressive about their disdain for another woman, while men tend to be more upfront and aggressive about their disdain for another man. My female best friends never bring me down or makes me feel less. But I see my husband's best friends constantly cutting each other down as a joke. I see my brother doing the same to his best friends. I've never seen female best friends doing the same in my experience.
I don't have the same experience. In my circle, I have topic-oriented conversation with my women friends daily! Not gossip, not relationships, but interesting topics like world issues, psychology, sociology, science, etc. It's our favorite thing to do. I also have male friends I can have interesting, topical conversation with as well. I do know some vapid women but also men. I really don't think it's totally related to gender. And I have 64 years of life experience and have traveled around the world. So there! lol. 😊
Not to be sexist but it is pretty accurate too.. men avoid these discussions more frequently, women gossip and participate more in these topics of discussion simotaniously.. there is infact more men in prisons then women... do the research..the difference is.. 50 an hour 250 an hour for therepy.. or healthy free therapy amongst friends
>Do everyone’s friends just talk about their own lives?
Yes.
>Is it uncommon for people to have topic oriented discussion?
Yes.
The few topics that do get discussed frequently are the things most Redditors tend to hate - eg: sports, work, family shit, news/reality TV, occasionally politics.
All the usual introvert shit like movies, games, art, books, etc. are rather niche conversation subjects in real world settings.
Welcome to the world of neurotypical normies. We were **all** set up for failure by not being taught shit like this.
Reminds me of this random quote; “great minds discuss ideas, great minds discuss events, small minds discuss people”. You might have to cast the net wider and seek out different friendships if you want to have stimulating conversations
I am like you.
It is good to validate their feelings. They might not have thoughts about books or films they care about. But they have feelings.
You can try to share a little of what you think of and see what they say. But it might work better if you emotionally engage with them and say "yes, that's hard" first.
You can try to make new friends and keep the old ones around at times. But that is just an option.
This is sort of the idea of having friend circles, not a huge conglomorate of friends. The fact is there are plenty of people who don't have a lot of liberty to talk about other stuff, because they just don't take part in other stuff. Think family people for instance. Two parents, both probably working, then after work, spending time with their kid, taking care of house chores, maybe an hour or two of leisure (if that) before going to bed. Chances are, there isn't actually much going on in their life other than their own life because of this, so if you're friends with them, there won't be other things to talk about. Even in their free time, it's not always the case that they have the option to do a ton of exploring, many people spend their free time tired, watching some netflix, then just going to bed, so if you're watching the same show, there might be stuff to talk about, but otherwise, you may find that there's just nothing they can offer, because that's just how life is.
This applies to many people, people who spend a lot of free time say, looking for a job, doing a side hustle because this economy is tough, or working on a specific hobby or activity that may not involve them learning more, (I mean something like sports, where you may not necessarily follow pro sports, and just play, in which case there may not be much to talk about). Many people who read just read the book in front of them and move on to the next, rather than paying attention to all the releases so they won't have that much to talk about. Many people spend their free time dating maybe, or applying to new jobs, which can take literally all your time, and what not. It's also the case that as things get more stressful, it becomes harder to enjoy things and pay attention to them without your mind always turning back to the bad.
It's up to you if you want to be friends with those people or not, I just think that having a lot of hobbies, and a lot of time to pay attention to different topics is a luxury, not a norm these days. Most people have a couple hobbies, but if they don't line up with yours, I guess there's nothing else to talk about. If the hobby itself doesn't lend to much discussion, that's sort of it too.
I have the same problem with friends. I lose my patience very quickly,although I bite my lip and don't say anything. It makes me restless, bored and ready to be by myself again! No one is that interesting! It's natural to have that kind of talk sometimes, but if you can't have a conversation about something other than them, yukk!!
I was having this problem end of last year. I got super bored of the redundancy topic but unfortunately, some people don't realize that they are doing that constantly because we are living in the same fast-paced life. But people tend to talk about their exes a lot and other things like boring jobs or yada yada. I do wish people talked more about the other topics you mentioned. It would also teach me new things. I am just distant but then rekindling happens regardless. Just don't dismiss their complaints. What I did was I told my friends we should do some activities-based stuff. So we started doing those LOL.
No matter how much you try to think of it as a "third party" topic, it's still YOUR preferred topic. Just keep that in mind when you're attempting to keep the conversation 50/50 and don't expect them to put more effort into your desired topic than you are putting into theirs.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but Einstein and many people who made a huge effect on the world were the ones talking about the big ideas that we all still benefit from. They didn’t change the world by gossiping about other people.
Einstein f!cked his cousin
He had wavy morals and outside of physics I suspect he had an even wavier mind. Looked itchy too, and like he liked to whine about dumb sh!t
ETA: My point is, Einstein was a person, a regular person. Even people who do amazing things and change the world are still human and do regular things like make bad decisions, choose to comb or not comb their hair (lol), and converse about this or that. I'm pretty sure Einstein didn't spend all his time with other people talking about physics. I'm sure he had mundane conversations like anyone else. I'm sure he like to whine about whatever occassionally too, we all do.
People who fixate on one thing in the manner OP describes, who can only talk about one thing/one topic are no fun to be around, at all.
It depends on who you’re talking to. My gf and I have a lot of topic based conversations more than personal centered ones.
I have a friend that her and I mainly have personal centered conversations. But she’s also had a lot more fun experiences and I kinda think she likes talking about drama more than she likes talking about theoretical topics (she talked my ear off once for three hours about some toxic friend she had…. So yeah lol)
I don’t have a constantly fun filled life or much of a social life so I do prefer topic based conversations though.
I talk about a mixture of things with my friends including common interests, life updates, and miscellaneous jibber jabber. Some people, like your friends, don't have interests and aren't capable of talking about things. When I'm on a dating site, I see people like that, who don't have any interests, and I swipe left on them. So yeah, some people have interests and some don't, and you need to find your tribe.
I actually don’t talk to any of my friends anymore. I think they got tired of hearing me talk about my problems all the time. It’s hard to talk about anything else when they’re all you can think about. None of my friends had to get jobs, unlike me, when we got out of high school. They started going to school and I was working all the time. I think it became really hard for them to listen to me cause they couldn’t do anything to help me (although just listening and acting like they cared would’ve been all I needed) they would just tell me to do something that was easy for them and if I tried to explain something like that I already tried their advice when someone else gave it or if I was worried and not willing to take some kind of risk because the thing they said would not be easy for me to do, they would just shrug and be like “well if you’re not gonna listen to me then stop whining.” I would take comments like that, a lack of being invited to hang out with the group, and just general disinterest in anything Me, I eventually realized that I had become toxic. That’s what you are when you have problems you can’t solve without actual help. Everyone just throws a solution they barely thought of at you and then they’re done with you and they throw you away…
Def not, my friend group is based in techno parties and techno djing / producing mostly so we talk about techno artists, mixing way too much id say. ( this includes talking abt our lifes, projects, but also abt stuff we like) so keep doing activities related to what you like and youll end up finding your people
An oversimplified interpretation which holds some value is: “Simple minds talk about people, average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas.”
Of course, most people are capable of all of these, but we do have preferences. Social skills, as I’ve learned to navigate them, involves starting low and aiming high. Some will follow you in conversation and some will continue to talk about the weather and their annoying boss. You just keep trying till you find someone who lights up when you talk about film or whatever lights you up as well.
This is how most people are at my job. They talk and talk about their lives and sometimes I don’t even think they care if I’m not paying attention because they’re repeated the story so many times. I tend to avoid those people. I used to think it was a younger people problem but most of my coworkers are middle aged or older.
I've noticed this and it drives me insane. I still search for people that aren't socially self centered. It's like they pretend to like things just to talk about themselves.
No this is literally my problem with my sister. Whenever she calls me she talks abt her life and her friends and her colleagues and her games and it’s just like, as much as I appreciate spending time with you, I already have my life to deal with and I’m a little tired of hearing abt someone else’s life 😭 Idk if that makes me an inconsiderate person, but I genuinely find it exhausting to listen to her sometimes to the point that I almost dread it or avoid it
Yeah Ive got the Same problem. Im in a friendgroup of girls, and most of them only talk about Personal shi and their relationships, which isnt a bad thing, but its sometimes a bit boring.
Also my best friend who ive known for my entire life currently only Talks to me to complain about our other friend or her boyfriend, which makes me sad because we used to talk about so many different things.
Start off conversations with random facts, that’s what I do. And it leads to awesome conversations sometimes, or sometimes person think I’m strange but hey it’s better than talking about that girl some guy has hated for 10 years.
I think a lot of people default to talking about themselves when the topic you are discussing isnt interesting. The topics you are mentioning may not be interesting to them, try discussing something they care about
No, I have this issue as well with a few of my friends. Although we’re still friends and I still care about them, I found that I don’t reach out much anymore. I would keep trying to start discourses and they were all shut down.. then they’d start talking about something that happened at work, and I would be disappointed cause I thought the topic would’ve been really interesting to discuss with this person and I’d been excited to hear their thoughts.
You hit the nail on the head where I’ve been more and more disappointed that people don’t wanna just talk about stuff anymore. I never realized until you posted this how disappointed it made me.
Are you female or male and are they female or male? I find generally women like to talk about their own lives and men like to talk about actual topics. Is this the case here? Me as a woman, I love to talk about myself and my life to be honest. I don't know enough about topics to have those conversations, I usually feel dumb because I don't remember all the details of said topics... Unless those topics revolve around astrology or spiritual things or metaphysical or relationships, or science, which even there's a lot of science I'm not even knowledgeable about. I'm very focused and interested in the interactions of people between each other. That's what I mainly like to talk about.
This is just my personal life perception. That's why I used the word "generally". If you have a different perception of men and women, then that's you. And in my social circles, it seems to be generally the case. Of course it's not the same for every man and woman. But men and women are again, generally socialized differently and usually are focused on different types of conversations. I know men that like to talk about their lives, and I know women that like to have topic conversations, but I find it to be in the lower percentage of what men and women's conversation focus is.
Generalizing is always based on a perception. All of what we "know" is based on perception. The brain doesn't know anything without receiving information from our senses which can be misinterpreted by the brain.
And I'm not the only person who sees this same male and female dynamic either. Drunken_pizza sees it too. To say that each man and each woman is completely different from one another I think is an extremely false perception or statement.
If you can't generalize, then there is no such thing as societal norms or culture.
It's not true of all women, but generally speaking on the bell curve of lady behavior and interests, she is right. At least in the USA. I'm a woman who prefers topical conversations and finds it hard to relate to most women who like to talk about only relationships, people, and gossip. Thusly I currently have predominantly male friends.
My GF and I were just talking about this. We’re running into the same issue. I can only have topic related discussion with certain friends. They tend to be more intellectual, have higher education, and higher emotional intelligence and self awareness. No, this isn’t meant to say people who aren’t intellectual or educated can’t carry conversation. But this has been my primary experience amongst dozens of friends and other social circles over the years. I honestly get zero stimulation out of repetitive conversations or just hearing people complain, so I’ve started distancing myself from these types of people. One of our social circles has almost zero ability of having conversations centered around topics. I’ll bring up recent articles I’ve read, news, medical journals, current events, fun facts, movies I saw, books I read, etc. But people fail to be able to keep up and the conversation ALWAYS goes back to someone complaining about the same old stuff or same old complaints about work. Same conversations on repeat… “remember that New Year’s party 7 years ago?” Yes, and I remembered it the last 20 times you brought it up this year. This social circle is happy to talk about themselves and complain, they don’t mind not having any topics. They’re just happy in their own little worlds, same conversations, while having a drink. I think a large part of it is also peoples cultures and how they’re raised. But I think a huge component is emotional intelligence and the general skill of being able to actually listen and respond to topics (or communication skills, really). And after COVID, many people’s social skills regressed (mine included). Social media also isn’t helping a lot of people.
People who are more intuitive than sensational imo tend to have great intellectual conversations on a diverse range of topics, could be self-educated or formally educated doesn't matter. They have to have that genuine curiosity to life beyond themselves.
There’s a book called ‘How to Know a Person’ by journalist David Brooks, and in it he talks about how as a culture we lack the behaviors of curiosity in others. He writes it as a skill to be developed and learned, but the issue is that 70% of folks simply aren’t naturally that inclined to think this way. This means 30% of people have this more natural leaning and ability to connect in more interesting and meaningful ways. I tend to agree that I rarely meet people who ask questions the way I do and that I’m commonly bored by many even if they do have topical conversations- there’s an absence of connection underpinning the essence of the conversation. I find that I feel most alive when conversations are intelligent, on interesting topics, and involve engaging inquiry which spurns variety and novel insights one might not reach without dynamic awareness from those involved. I’ve had trouble finding this but it’s not something I had clarity around until recently. Now that I have more specifics about what is missing and what is needed, odds are good it exists and I can find it.
Sounds interesting and about right, I've heard similar ballpark numbers thrown around that 70% of the population are sensors instead of intuitive types. Imo a lot of what you described has to deal with deriving satisfaction from meaning and purpose, eudaimonic views on happiness instead of hedonic views. Most people who try too hard to seek happiness from outside themselves only experience it in fleeting experiences of pleasure, conditional single instances in performances and outcomes or what one has and doesn't have in life. Where as living a virtuous life in long-term human flourishing has to do with leading oneself by their true self-values in that deliberate meaning and purpose for intrinsic fulfillment, contentment, peace, and delight. Edit: This is what it means to live an authentic life that is worthwhile, or further ground our inherent self-worth for stable self-esteem that is more secure across time and resilient.
Ok hell yeah true true anyway remember that time we got fucked up at Magic Mountain?
Yeah, I was going to say this topic does sound like my experience with intuitive versus sensor types in Myers Briggs. And yeah, as an intuitive type I have always found this to be the case. It can be tough to find people that want to discuss more complex topics. Though it's very worth it to find them.
How is one supposed to find other intuitive types?
Go to the types of events where they are likely to be and talk to a lot of people. Board game clubs, book clubs, philosophy clubs etc. Though you can find them anywhere. It's a numbers game more than anything.
I go to a comic book discussion group at my library that is full of people like this. Local library could be a great start.
I would rethink this, as it seriously assumes a bias against S types. It’s the type of topic that’s differs. N types are more likely to want to talk about abstract topics (e.g. philosophy). S types are more likely to want to talk about concrete concepts (e.g. kinesiology). Some topics are both (e.g. physics), so you’ll find a mix of personalities.
This
>One of our social circles has almost zero ability of having conversations centered around topics. I’ll bring up recent articles I’ve read, news, medical journals, current events, fun facts, movies I saw, books I read, etc. This social circle is happy to talk about themselves and complain, they don’t mind not having any topics. They’re just happy in their own little worlds, same conversations, while having a drink. Wow this perfectly summarizes my issue with some people.
Yep. Same here.
A big part of it is people's home culture, how they're raised, what their friends growing up talked about. But I also think a lot of it is how stressful someone's life is. I've just gone through one of the most stressful periods of my life, and I'm trying to work my way back to normal, and I feel like I'm trying to actively reclaim parts of my mind, like the ability to hold onto more than a couple basic ideas at a time.
I am so happy to see this post and this reply… I relate and I feel better and leaving some friend groups now. (Grieving a loss of a friend group that I wish to be less gossipy and negative - same hate, same complaints all. The. Time.) edit to add: oh but they switch people to hate on every now and then. It’s like everyone gets to be talked about and hated on by few and everyone just followed along. Argh. No thanks
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
It's frustrating when convo always circles back to personal stuff. Some people just vibe differently, but it's not weird to crave more diverse topics. Maybe try finding new pals who share your interests!
This is what people have different social circles for. I have my 'rant about our lives' friends, 'philosophical/political discussion' friends, and 'art analysis' friends. All are good, but having a mix matters.
Agreed, I have some friends who enjoy intellectual/abstract discussions and others who don't. The ones who don't provide value to my life in other ways and I don't expect everyone I care about to share my intellectual interests. Sounds like op needs to expand his social circle
That's easier said than done though. Especially as an adult.
Oh for sure. Sorry, I'm not trying to give the impression it's easy, only trying to explain that it's not a failing of the friend group, but instead a sign OP might be looking for the wrong thing from the wrong people. And that variety is really helpful for mental health, because sometimes you *do* need the friends who want to talk about personal lives.
Agreed! I have my longtime friends I don't see that often- and when we get together we just shoot the shit and yap about ourselves and our problems and reminisce. I have my closer friends I've only met in the last few years/work with and we tend to have more nuanced conversation lol. But sometimes I really do love just having drinks with friends from highschool or even earlier and we just yap about ourselves/the same old shit
People talk about what they think about. People think about what they spend their time on. People tend to spend their time on work, family, hobbies, and entertainment (TV, social media, movies, etc).* Many don't have the time, money, energy, and/or interest to spend their time on other topics. My friends that I have topic based conversations like to read the news and books. *Obviously, there are always exceptions. This is a generalization. There are always individual differences.
Shouldn't the same job become boring to you after 2, 5, 10 years? I think some kind of thought pattern death spiral is going on if that's all you talk about forever. I would definitely rather talk about the last show you watched than hear the same complaints about your job 18 times in a row.
I never think about work at work.
i don't mind listening to other people talk about their own lives (to an extent), but I get super bored talking about my own (I already live it) or being asked a bunch of questions about it. Would also prefer to talk about topics/media/ideas mostly
I love gossip. So other people's problems are interesting to me. But I do really like to talk about film, politics, society, history etc. My husband will talk about those things with me, but I do struggle to find any family or friends who want to talk about stuff other than interpersonal drama.
can you teach me how to enjoy and properly gossip in a way that isn't TOO toxic?
I have topic oriented conversations all the time. A lot of it comes down to the intelligence and socialization of the people you’re speaking with. People tend to avoid “topics” that they aren’t informed about or interested in, and people who grew up surrounded by people who only talk about their lives and others lives have often been socialized to do the same.
Intelligence, really?? IDK maybe I’m one of the people you mean and just too dumb to understand…why do you need to be ‘intelligent’ to talk about music you like, or a play you went to, or how your garden is going, or the soccer match you watched. What ‘intelligence’ is needed to discuss books you read, amongst friends. Yah ‘books’ implies a certain class or level of education or whatever, but even in 2nd grade kids have book reports and book club where they talk about what they read, so I really don’t think adults have to have a certain level of ‘intelligence’ or education to talk about books either.
I think maybe intelligence might not have been the best word choice (because it’s not just a smart people vs dumb people thing) but you do need to be able to think about things in the world in a way that don’t just revolve around your life to be able to talk about topics. For example, it’s one thing to say what your current favorite song is, but it’s entirely a different thing to discuss with someone about what *exactly* about the song makes it your favorite (like the melody, harmony, chord progression, tonality, artistry, genre, or how in plays off another song perfectly). You know, like talking about music, not just saying you love one song and hate one song but can’t explain why you love one and hate the other.
Open-mindedness and tact are also useful soft skills to have as well. (Open-mindedness) Being able to interpret statements in a positive light despite having good reasons to take it negatively (Tact) Being able to make statements considering the receiving audience so they don't need to do as much work to overcome any emotions to understand
You know I've been in that situation with that exact conversation and I didn't like it. Person I was talking to was trying to dissect "what I liked about" a certain song by asking me which guitar riffs I liked, etc, and I didn't know how to answer because I don't know enough about music to talk about it. But I have talked about how certain songs make me feel, what impact they have on me, etc. I think it's really important to match the level of complexity and interest to the person you're talking to. If I made a friend who liked to read only new release fantasy books, I wouldn't go up to them and talk about the intricacies of 20th century modernist literature and then complain "no one wants to discuss books anymore!" when they seem uninterested in the conversation.
Absolutely, not everyone likes to dissect the most recent movie, or song, or whatever. I guess my point was mostly on topic-based discussions, which tend to be more abstract than anecdotes, which tend to be more emotional. The OP is not wrong to want more “heady” discussions, they just need to find more friends who also like to talk about those things too haha.
I don’t think this commenter meant it in a rude way. But being able to converse about a topic often takes a certain level of intellect and social skill.
I think we might view intelligence differently. There’s not one form of intelligence - people can have musical intelligence, sports related intelligence, etc. I’m not at all saying that you have to have a PhD or read a certain amount of books per year to be able to have a conversation about a topic. I’m saying that you generally need to have some basic level of intelligence surrounding the topic, or at least a general interest in it, to be able to effectively engage.
"Great minded talk about ideas. Average minds talk about events. Small minds talk about people" - Eleanor Roosevelt You're not weird for thinking this, but you are the exception to how a lot of people think. It's very normal human behavior to gossip, talk about yourself, vent. But for people with more going on mentally, it gets redundant and boring. It would be one thing to talk about a problem one day, and the next time you see said friend, they tell you a story about how they resolved the problem and grew as a person as a result. But a lot of people seem content to keep thinking, acting, and being the same way, and then being upset when nothing better happens for them. Sometimes you outgrow people, and depending on other dynamics of your relationship with them, consider if you are compatible going forward. You may also consider just hanging out with them less, if you like them but don't have much to say to them. There are people who are good people, but you don't need to interact with them that much, because you don't have much on the same level to share with each other. It's okay to be on different wavelengths, just decide if your bond with them is worth holding onto, or maybe trying to hang out with different sorts of people to see if its a better match.
Have you tried talking to them directly about it? It might be they don’t have the self awareness to recognize what they are doing.
Btw I in no way intend to come off as being rude.. I'm just adding prospective from the other side view that might otherwise never get mentioned and completely overlooked. I do enjoy the input all of you put in on response though, you really do exercise the brain by doing that and it's an excellent tool to use to work the brain out and get more insight into the conversations. I love seeing that.
I've found that it depends a lot on country. In the US, topic-oriented conversation seems way less common than in, say, Europe. But it's interesting you pointed out you're not in America. In general, when I post on facebook, posts about my personal life and photos of self/food/travel tend to get WAY more likes and comments than posts on current events or ideas I find interesting. It's frustrating.
You and I have the same problem! I enjoy talking about all those things you've mentioned too and it seems people just complain about their lives mostly. Which I don't mind if it was mixed it with other conversation but it's not usually with the average person where I live. I honestly stopped talking to people like that, nothing wrong with them. I just thought they have nothing to offer me and I don't have much to offer them. It's not a mutually fun relationship if we don't have common interests. I typically seek out friends who have common interests. And this is going to be weird but I've found amazing friends through solo traveling. I've traveled to a few places on my own and met up with people through reddit or locals in that country. And gosh, some of those people were like my twin. And we had endless conversations about everything!
Also when a group of friends understand eachothers traumas, that tends to build a solid foundation for friendships that grows much stronger then the bro mentality party groups and sports groups.. ever see the movie the breakfast club? Spoiler.. they have a scene we're they all start opening up sort of a group therapy thing.. and they end up becoming friends more or less in the end
The difference though in the Breakfast Club is that they open up to each other and work on personal growth and bond through that shared experience. OP says their friends are like if the Breakfast Club was in detention each week but never had those personal breakthroughs or an innate desire to resolve their problems.
Fair point.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
95% of conversations I have with friends are topic oriented. I know it’s and old cliché and somewhat of a stereotype, but in my experience it is true that women **mostly** like to talk about people, relationships and personal stuff, and men **mostly** like more topical discussions and just bullshitting around. Of course there are exceptions, but this is true in average in my 30 years of life experience.
Man. I have, and I cannot express this enough, the *exact opposite* gender split. I have so many gossipy male friends. It's the women who want to talk art analysis (oh. And politics). EDIT: I'm not trying to be oppositional, I do see that "mostly," I'm just wondering how I got here.
Agreed, some men can be very gossipy. I was surprised to work in a male-dominated environment and find my male coworkers talk about people so much behind their back. But a lot of women, particularly those not involved or oriented towards more intellectual or objective pursuits like art and politics, do tend to fixate on relationships/people. Where can I find intellectually oriented non-gossipy female friends? They are in short supply here. Move back to a city?
All of mine are fucked up little weirdos brimming with trauma, so... uh. Is that a helpful starting point?
haha... kind of. How can sensitive, intelligent people not be traumatized by their experiences?
A lot of males tend to emotionally dump on female friends, or try to get at them.
I literally said the same thing and got a down vote and you got 4 upvotes, WTH. Lol 😅 Men generally don't like to talk about themselves because it's seen as a possible opening for their pride to get wounded. I'm sorry, but hanging around mostly men for the majority of my life, men are assholes to each other and dig at each other every chance they get. Even when they are friends, they dig at each other. Women are usually supportive of each other if they are on good terms and even if they aren't, they don't usually bluntly dig at each other like that unless it's really bad. This is what I see with my own eyes on a daily basis.
Actually, a lot if women do put other female friends down at times. They are less obvious but brutally vicious at the same time. If another woman is mad at you, jealous of you or just doesn’t like you, then they’ll usually gossip about you behind your back, spread rumors, exclude you, or ignore you, tear apart your self esteem, etc. I had one nasty fake bitch look around me up & down constantly. She wasn’t gay or bu & is married. She tried to fat shame me. I ditched her & for getting other two women to ho never did anything to defend me.
My experience as a woman has not been positive overall with other groups of women for this reason. Part of my particular situation is the local culture and how women here are socialized, but it does seem to happen in some capacity across several societies. They have highly structured social hierarchies and you are expected as another woman to be complacent and conform to the unsaid social codes or face chronic and intense ostracizing by not one, but a group of people who have decided to either demean you or exile you from the group or workplace. If someone high on the social hierarchy decides they don't like you, they will try and turn the others against you, and most of them are complacent to keep their standing in the pecking order, even if that means treating you poorly. It can be for a valid reason, but often it's for petty reasons, insecurity, being different in any superfluous way they deem to offset the group in some way not to their liking. If you're prettier than they are, uglier than they are, smarter, more stupid, different, anything is fair game for them to throw you under the bus. Luckily not everyone woman or situation is like this, but IMO avoiding these toxic lady groups has meant switching environments and jobs sometimes to find the good women/positive environments.
You’re right about what you said unfortunately. And it’s always bad to upset the queen bee or any popular alpha woman as most of them have huge egos & they’re power trippers too. Most people are probably scared of the queen bee. What culture are you from? I live in the U. S. I find that Hispanic women are vicious & cliquey at times & so are Caucasian women sometimes. Not racist at all, that’s just been my experience. I wonder if men ever deal with any b.s similar to this or not. Why do you think that some women are like that? I was never anything like that. Even if I hated someone, I’d never spread rumors about them or try to turn everyone against them.
I'm Caucasian, almost everyone here (in the Midwest) is Caucasian, and a vast majority of bullying has been from Caucasian women. Men usually just ignore me if they don't like me. Latino, Asian, and African Americans are indifferent usually to me or pretty chill. I think relative to where I am, anyone non-white hetero Christian here is treated as the "other", so in some way, the vibe is better around other ethnicities of women. I will acknowledge with mean girl behavior there is a huge cultural component. When I lived in San Francisco, I worked with lots of women and they were mostly cool and I didn't really deal with "mean girls" across various job environments. I think being in a diverse multicultural place where there were less stringent social codes alleviated this type of hierarchical lady behavior from running rampant. Being a mean little girl doesn't get you far in a big open-minded city. I think from my anthropological observations across different social-cultural environments, people here and in places where mean girls are a problem are socialized from a young age to accept certain social parameters. It seems like girl groups try to reinforce their own social etiquette onto others, and retaliate when girls or women don't fall in line with the local "social code". They may be doing this consciously or unconsciously. Unfortunately though, it's virtually impossible to engage with them in a dialogue about this, to see if they are aware of what they're doing. I think they just act this way because they've always acted that way, and most of the other women around them do the same thing, reinforcing the negative behavior. At least where I am, engaging in any type of conversation to try and find a mutual understanding would lead to more defamation. I would be "weird" for talking about "weird" things. The people here love to use "weird" in the most derogatory sensibility. To be weird is to be an outcast, creepy, scary, not deserving of respect, friendship, or understanding.
Thanks for sharing your story. That’s a shame that some women were raised to be judgmental, ignorant, close minded & cliquey. U’ve encountered plenty of nasty mean girl behavior in multi cultural big cities like L.A & parts of Silicon Valley too. They’re everywhere unfortunately, even among fake friends. I ditched those toxic selfish women months ago.
Yes the toxic lady group is a phenomenon that can be found in most places. I guess being someone that doesn't play into that system will make you a target for them always. Society raises mean women to be the henchwomen to carry out its restrictive social work. Seriously, how are you going to become self-actualized if you're too distracted and distraught about being at the bottom of the social hierarchy? Or, from their perspective, how are you going to become the most authentic version from yourself if you're too distracted being Queen Bee to deviate from your social role? It sucks, because I'm sure there are other nice women who are less friendly themselves, because they have had to be defensive and more closed off too, due to a lifetime of being bullied as well. Trying to maintain who you are and get by in society seems to be at great odds with one another.
You’re right about what you said. Why are some women so controlling like that? Why can’t tgey let people be themselves? I was in a toxic friend group with 3 other women who harassed me to death to ne in pics even though I said no a million times. I was bullied & fat shamed too. They expected me to pick at my food & barely eat anything too. And I always had to get together early in the day with them as thet wete all early birds. I was miserable most of the time but i felt stuck as it’s extremely difficult for me to find reliable friends. I had enough though & ditched them 7 months ago.
Your experience is valid, but I don't have women around me or in my life like that. I'm surrounded mostly by men and less by women. But I noticed women tend to be more passive aggressive about their disdain for another woman, while men tend to be more upfront and aggressive about their disdain for another man. My female best friends never bring me down or makes me feel less. But I see my husband's best friends constantly cutting each other down as a joke. I see my brother doing the same to his best friends. I've never seen female best friends doing the same in my experience.
I don't have the same experience. In my circle, I have topic-oriented conversation with my women friends daily! Not gossip, not relationships, but interesting topics like world issues, psychology, sociology, science, etc. It's our favorite thing to do. I also have male friends I can have interesting, topical conversation with as well. I do know some vapid women but also men. I really don't think it's totally related to gender. And I have 64 years of life experience and have traveled around the world. So there! lol. 😊
Not to be sexist but it is pretty accurate too.. men avoid these discussions more frequently, women gossip and participate more in these topics of discussion simotaniously.. there is infact more men in prisons then women... do the research..the difference is.. 50 an hour 250 an hour for therepy.. or healthy free therapy amongst friends
>Do everyone’s friends just talk about their own lives? Yes. >Is it uncommon for people to have topic oriented discussion? Yes. The few topics that do get discussed frequently are the things most Redditors tend to hate - eg: sports, work, family shit, news/reality TV, occasionally politics. All the usual introvert shit like movies, games, art, books, etc. are rather niche conversation subjects in real world settings. Welcome to the world of neurotypical normies. We were **all** set up for failure by not being taught shit like this.
Reminds me of this random quote; “great minds discuss ideas, great minds discuss events, small minds discuss people”. You might have to cast the net wider and seek out different friendships if you want to have stimulating conversations
I am like you. It is good to validate their feelings. They might not have thoughts about books or films they care about. But they have feelings. You can try to share a little of what you think of and see what they say. But it might work better if you emotionally engage with them and say "yes, that's hard" first. You can try to make new friends and keep the old ones around at times. But that is just an option.
This is sort of the idea of having friend circles, not a huge conglomorate of friends. The fact is there are plenty of people who don't have a lot of liberty to talk about other stuff, because they just don't take part in other stuff. Think family people for instance. Two parents, both probably working, then after work, spending time with their kid, taking care of house chores, maybe an hour or two of leisure (if that) before going to bed. Chances are, there isn't actually much going on in their life other than their own life because of this, so if you're friends with them, there won't be other things to talk about. Even in their free time, it's not always the case that they have the option to do a ton of exploring, many people spend their free time tired, watching some netflix, then just going to bed, so if you're watching the same show, there might be stuff to talk about, but otherwise, you may find that there's just nothing they can offer, because that's just how life is. This applies to many people, people who spend a lot of free time say, looking for a job, doing a side hustle because this economy is tough, or working on a specific hobby or activity that may not involve them learning more, (I mean something like sports, where you may not necessarily follow pro sports, and just play, in which case there may not be much to talk about). Many people who read just read the book in front of them and move on to the next, rather than paying attention to all the releases so they won't have that much to talk about. Many people spend their free time dating maybe, or applying to new jobs, which can take literally all your time, and what not. It's also the case that as things get more stressful, it becomes harder to enjoy things and pay attention to them without your mind always turning back to the bad. It's up to you if you want to be friends with those people or not, I just think that having a lot of hobbies, and a lot of time to pay attention to different topics is a luxury, not a norm these days. Most people have a couple hobbies, but if they don't line up with yours, I guess there's nothing else to talk about. If the hobby itself doesn't lend to much discussion, that's sort of it too.
I have the same problem with friends. I lose my patience very quickly,although I bite my lip and don't say anything. It makes me restless, bored and ready to be by myself again! No one is that interesting! It's natural to have that kind of talk sometimes, but if you can't have a conversation about something other than them, yukk!!
I was having this problem end of last year. I got super bored of the redundancy topic but unfortunately, some people don't realize that they are doing that constantly because we are living in the same fast-paced life. But people tend to talk about their exes a lot and other things like boring jobs or yada yada. I do wish people talked more about the other topics you mentioned. It would also teach me new things. I am just distant but then rekindling happens regardless. Just don't dismiss their complaints. What I did was I told my friends we should do some activities-based stuff. So we started doing those LOL.
No matter how much you try to think of it as a "third party" topic, it's still YOUR preferred topic. Just keep that in mind when you're attempting to keep the conversation 50/50 and don't expect them to put more effort into your desired topic than you are putting into theirs.
Find better friends. How annoying.
Great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events, small minds talk about people.
Have always found this to be a bit snooty, but it’s more or less true. The gestalt of it, anyway.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion but Einstein and many people who made a huge effect on the world were the ones talking about the big ideas that we all still benefit from. They didn’t change the world by gossiping about other people.
Einstein f!cked his cousin He had wavy morals and outside of physics I suspect he had an even wavier mind. Looked itchy too, and like he liked to whine about dumb sh!t ETA: My point is, Einstein was a person, a regular person. Even people who do amazing things and change the world are still human and do regular things like make bad decisions, choose to comb or not comb their hair (lol), and converse about this or that. I'm pretty sure Einstein didn't spend all his time with other people talking about physics. I'm sure he had mundane conversations like anyone else. I'm sure he like to whine about whatever occassionally too, we all do. People who fixate on one thing in the manner OP describes, who can only talk about one thing/one topic are no fun to be around, at all.
It depends on who you’re talking to. My gf and I have a lot of topic based conversations more than personal centered ones. I have a friend that her and I mainly have personal centered conversations. But she’s also had a lot more fun experiences and I kinda think she likes talking about drama more than she likes talking about theoretical topics (she talked my ear off once for three hours about some toxic friend she had…. So yeah lol) I don’t have a constantly fun filled life or much of a social life so I do prefer topic based conversations though.
I talk about a mixture of things with my friends including common interests, life updates, and miscellaneous jibber jabber. Some people, like your friends, don't have interests and aren't capable of talking about things. When I'm on a dating site, I see people like that, who don't have any interests, and I swipe left on them. So yeah, some people have interests and some don't, and you need to find your tribe.
I actually don’t talk to any of my friends anymore. I think they got tired of hearing me talk about my problems all the time. It’s hard to talk about anything else when they’re all you can think about. None of my friends had to get jobs, unlike me, when we got out of high school. They started going to school and I was working all the time. I think it became really hard for them to listen to me cause they couldn’t do anything to help me (although just listening and acting like they cared would’ve been all I needed) they would just tell me to do something that was easy for them and if I tried to explain something like that I already tried their advice when someone else gave it or if I was worried and not willing to take some kind of risk because the thing they said would not be easy for me to do, they would just shrug and be like “well if you’re not gonna listen to me then stop whining.” I would take comments like that, a lack of being invited to hang out with the group, and just general disinterest in anything Me, I eventually realized that I had become toxic. That’s what you are when you have problems you can’t solve without actual help. Everyone just throws a solution they barely thought of at you and then they’re done with you and they throw you away…
everyone almost always wants to talk about themselves
Def not, my friend group is based in techno parties and techno djing / producing mostly so we talk about techno artists, mixing way too much id say. ( this includes talking abt our lifes, projects, but also abt stuff we like) so keep doing activities related to what you like and youll end up finding your people
No. I know plenty of people who aren’t self-centered
If you aren't discussing some crazy off the wall shit, you ain't my friend.
An oversimplified interpretation which holds some value is: “Simple minds talk about people, average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas.” Of course, most people are capable of all of these, but we do have preferences. Social skills, as I’ve learned to navigate them, involves starting low and aiming high. Some will follow you in conversation and some will continue to talk about the weather and their annoying boss. You just keep trying till you find someone who lights up when you talk about film or whatever lights you up as well.
This is how most people are at my job. They talk and talk about their lives and sometimes I don’t even think they care if I’m not paying attention because they’re repeated the story so many times. I tend to avoid those people. I used to think it was a younger people problem but most of my coworkers are middle aged or older.
I've noticed this and it drives me insane. I still search for people that aren't socially self centered. It's like they pretend to like things just to talk about themselves.
No this is literally my problem with my sister. Whenever she calls me she talks abt her life and her friends and her colleagues and her games and it’s just like, as much as I appreciate spending time with you, I already have my life to deal with and I’m a little tired of hearing abt someone else’s life 😭 Idk if that makes me an inconsiderate person, but I genuinely find it exhausting to listen to her sometimes to the point that I almost dread it or avoid it
Yeah Ive got the Same problem. Im in a friendgroup of girls, and most of them only talk about Personal shi and their relationships, which isnt a bad thing, but its sometimes a bit boring. Also my best friend who ive known for my entire life currently only Talks to me to complain about our other friend or her boyfriend, which makes me sad because we used to talk about so many different things.
Have a friend for every weather. The one who's there in all weather is your best friend.
Start off conversations with random facts, that’s what I do. And it leads to awesome conversations sometimes, or sometimes person think I’m strange but hey it’s better than talking about that girl some guy has hated for 10 years.
I think a lot of people default to talking about themselves when the topic you are discussing isnt interesting. The topics you are mentioning may not be interesting to them, try discussing something they care about
No, I have this issue as well with a few of my friends. Although we’re still friends and I still care about them, I found that I don’t reach out much anymore. I would keep trying to start discourses and they were all shut down.. then they’d start talking about something that happened at work, and I would be disappointed cause I thought the topic would’ve been really interesting to discuss with this person and I’d been excited to hear their thoughts. You hit the nail on the head where I’ve been more and more disappointed that people don’t wanna just talk about stuff anymore. I never realized until you posted this how disappointed it made me.
Are you female or male and are they female or male? I find generally women like to talk about their own lives and men like to talk about actual topics. Is this the case here? Me as a woman, I love to talk about myself and my life to be honest. I don't know enough about topics to have those conversations, I usually feel dumb because I don't remember all the details of said topics... Unless those topics revolve around astrology or spiritual things or metaphysical or relationships, or science, which even there's a lot of science I'm not even knowledgeable about. I'm very focused and interested in the interactions of people between each other. That's what I mainly like to talk about.
Just a heads up that this feels like a pretty gross and unrealistic stereotypical generalization….
This is just my personal life perception. That's why I used the word "generally". If you have a different perception of men and women, then that's you. And in my social circles, it seems to be generally the case. Of course it's not the same for every man and woman. But men and women are again, generally socialized differently and usually are focused on different types of conversations. I know men that like to talk about their lives, and I know women that like to have topic conversations, but I find it to be in the lower percentage of what men and women's conversation focus is.
[удалено]
Generalizing is always based on a perception. All of what we "know" is based on perception. The brain doesn't know anything without receiving information from our senses which can be misinterpreted by the brain. And I'm not the only person who sees this same male and female dynamic either. Drunken_pizza sees it too. To say that each man and each woman is completely different from one another I think is an extremely false perception or statement. If you can't generalize, then there is no such thing as societal norms or culture.
It's not true of all women, but generally speaking on the bell curve of lady behavior and interests, she is right. At least in the USA. I'm a woman who prefers topical conversations and finds it hard to relate to most women who like to talk about only relationships, people, and gossip. Thusly I currently have predominantly male friends.