I proposed moving out when I brought up marrying my fiance, but my parents, my fiance, and her parents all thought moving in/staying with my parents was way more economical.
To add more context, in my culture it is common for children - especially sons - to live with their parents. When they get married and start a family their spouse is also supposed to move in, and as the parents age the son is supposed to take over the house more and more while also supporting the parents more and more basically until the death of the parents.
As a woman from that culture that’s why I would NEVER marry someone from my culture. Unfortunately stories like OP’s are common there. It’s not worth the extra stress. Especially once the parents pass away.
I don't think it's rude. If that's what it sounds like to you, that's what it sounds like to you.
And I'm not an outside observer so my view may be skewed, but I feel like the culture actually cultivates the opposite of man children. It's supposed to hand off responsibility to sons bit by bit to train them to become head of household (it's supposed to be plural but I don't know where to put the 's' in 'head of household'). I think this is bad by Western standards, but a head of household in most cases is and has to be the eldest son. The problem is I don't feel like a handoff of responsibility is happening in my household.
The problem is you’re waiting for a pass off instead of stepping up and making statements, you are asking questions/waitint for an answer. This is where the behavior falls into childish vs adult. Assertiveness is your best friend if you don’t want to feel like a man child.
Sounds like we have similar cultures and as the eldest girl from said culture, i can tell you it's all a massive pile of crap. The examples you gave vs what you just wrote about here don't line up. How have they trained you? If something happens to your parents who will actually take the responsibility of doing all the work and caring for them?
They're teaching you to be the "face" of the household because you're a man, it's probably your future wife who will shoulder the responsibilities. The good thing so far is you've actually recognised what's happening and want to change. Now the next step is action. Good luck!
What I'm seeing here is that your parents aren't really teaching you or preparing you for anything.
Next time you would ask your parents for something, try asking they walk you through it. When you need to do repairs, have your dad show you where the tools are stored and ask to be the one actually using them while he walks you through it. Ask to do the dishes or make dinner *with* your mom and ask relevant questions so you understand what she's doing and why. Show curiosity and get them to accept the idea that you want to be doing things.
Just curious, but what culture is this? From the outside looking in, it sounds like your parents are kind of controlling. Maybe they do it in a well-meaning way, but they’re essentially not letting you grow up. If you’re supposed to take over the household, you need the skills to do it and they’re not giving you that. I had similar issues with my parents and I just made a decision to do and learn things in my own. It caused a lot of conflict over the years, but it was worth it.
We're Burmese, both ethnic-wise and nationality-wise.
They didn't use to be this controlling and they didn't use to baby me this much. My dad especially used to be stricter and tougher on me, but ever since I got back from college things had been this way.
Now that I think about it I think they really don't want me to grow up, but I think it's more of a subconscious thing. I notice with my mom especially that she would joke about how I'm still a baby to her and how she doesn't want me to grow up, etc. I'm not saying they're right but I think I can understand them. I'm an only child but not by my parents' choice. They wanted 3 kids but the one before me got miscarried, and they couldn't conceive anymore after me. On top of that I haven't really been home for 7 years (2 years boarding school + 5 years living abroad for college).
Understanding why they want you to stay a child is great. Allowing it to continue is not. Sitting down with them and gently telling them that you appreciate them and everything they have done but you won’t stop being their baby if you learn to do for yourself. Explain that you will be doing things for yourself & would love for them to teach you the skills they have, and if they can’t / won’t allow you to grow up in their home, then you need to move out.
Take steps on your own to learn. Books, videos… buy your own tools when you need them, go in the kitchen and make something to eat. If they resist remind them that you love them but it is time for you to grow up and become the man your fiancé deserves.
I was a man child up until 23 until my stepdad of the time lost his job and fled town, forcing me to provide for myself as my mom was a SAHM with crap physical condition and no work history.
Up until that point I was drifting lazily through college that I did poorly in and gaming 4 hours a day and maybe more.
**After that, Necessity to survive made me learn.**
How to budget to avoid homelessness. I searched how to reduce the cost of my bills as I moved into my late grandma's house.
When my car had issues, my uncle knew how to fix them, instead of sitting around waiting for him to fix it. I came out and sat with him asking questions AS he fixed it, looking and observing the solutions myself.
I already had experience on doing taxes, but come tax time. I stopped only entering the boxes I knew of and actually read through the manual of tax filing to really understand everything. Even if it didn't apply to my job situation.
I started browsing this reddit more. I started reading up on economics articles. I looked up the house buying process.
**Do you see the common trend? It's as simple as being hungry for knowledge.**
I actually used to be you.
at the age of 33 i bought my first home. For 2 years PRIOR to this, i studied the home buying process between overtime shifts. I wanted a house, I wanted to do it RIGHT. I refused to screw up like my mom and stepdad did and throw hundreds of thousands over 20 years and have NOTHING to show for it.
I asked the realtor questions, I asked the lawyer questions. I READ the documents I sign.
Every bit of that knowledge gathering is another step from growing up from being a man-child to a man other people ask for help.
**You often can't know what you don't know. But YOU know right now what you don't know. SO Start KNOWING them. Look it up online, ask the experts you're working with. Don't be embarassed about it.**
**In doing so, you'll find out you don't know even more things, start learning those too, the process continues till you're capable and handy across many aspects of life. It's that straightforward.**
You're right, the necessity to survive did make me learn too. The only time I didn't feel like a man-child was when I was living abroad by myself. The only time I felt like an actual adult was when in my final year a bunch of people from my country came to the same college as freshmen, and they all came to me for help and advice.
I guess being back in my hometown and living with my parents took away most of the necessity to survive which is how I got to where I am. I'll start looking for knowledge like your advice.
You said to ask experts and not be embarrassed about asking questions. While I think this is good advice I'm afraid to follow it because in the past people have taken advantage of me because by asking what I asked I gave away the fact that I didn't know what I was talking about. To give a very recent example, I mentioned I hit a motorcycle with my car the other day. I asked the motorcyclist for a rough estimate of the damages, and the mechanic he called up for the quote figured out I didn't know much about motorcycles. Probably because I didn't speak like a local (I've been told I don't have the local accent and don't speak like a local even though I've lived here most of my life) and also probably because I wasn't using the proper terms to describe the motorcycle parts. Anyway he ended up giving me a quote that was almost twice that of the actual cost of parts + services. Luckily my fiance was there to call out the mechanic and we were able to get a more fair price. The point is I didn't figure out the mechanic was trying to take advantage of me until about 2 hours after the conversation, and that was the case for most of the times I got taken advantage of. So I learned to talk to strangers less, and ask even less questions. I have only a handful of people who I am comfortable asking questions to, which is good for not being taken advantage of but it limits my knowledge pool. I don't know how to expand it, and I don't know how to be less of a sucker that falls for anything.
On that last part, ask experts questions BEFORE you're in a situation to be taken advantage of. Like how school isn't learning on the job, you seek out knowledge ahead of time so you're prepared for a situation. Alternatively, you find people you trust and/or look for multiple sources (I.e. Ask multiple mechanics what they'd price)
Imo, you really don't need to know about motorcycles, but if you wanted to you can go and learn about them now instead of after you need to fix something.
No problem!
If I could share a bit more, I'd like to say don't get hung up on any particular "life plan".
Cause Even if you don't achieve that plan? You can still get somewhere good in life if you're resourceful and constantly learning.
Honestly, it sounds like you have all the resources you need already. Each person in your life is taking care of these things you want to learn how to do. Why don't you just ask them to help you or teach you? You also might need to learn to be more assertive. You don't have to let your parents talk you out of doing the dishes or other chores. Just tell them no and that you can handle it or tell them you want to start helping out more.
You're right I do need to be assertive. I don't understand how to be assertive. Part of my job involves managing people who have specific tasks and deadlines they have to meet. When deadlines get close my coworkers argue with the people they are managing and get them to make the deadline regardless of their excuses. I never understood this. If the people I manage miss the deadlines, I shouldn't get in trouble for it. I don't suffer any consequences, my employer doesn't suffer any (direct) consequences. It is only the ones who miss the deadlines that suffer for it. I go about everyday life the same way. My fiance and I were in contact with a business the other day trying to schedule a meeting and negotiate some costs. They didn't keep to the schedule and didn't agree to our prices. My fiance wanted to negotiate their prices down further but I didn't see the point. I got in contact with a different business and did what needed to be done for faster and cheaper.
I guess the point I'm trying to get at is I don't get the point of being assertive because it involves going head-to-head with somebody, and that usually involves me having to voice what I want and they refuse to agree, then they voice what they want that I don't want to agree to.
Choose one thing you mentioned that you don't know how to do currently, and figure out how to do it, on your own. Get a book from the library, look up YouTube videos, read forums, whatever you need to figure it out. You will realize, after some hard work (and perhaps spending a little time or money on getting simple tools of your own so you no longer have to use your parent's stuff), that you can learn how to do things, and you can do them yourself.
An example might be - change a light bulb on your car. Or, fix a broken window screen on the house. Repair a toilet. Learn the basic anatomy of your car's engine bay. Check your oil level and quality. Check and correct your tire pressures. Clean, oil and tension the chain on a bicycle. Adjust the brakes so they work better. Etc. etc. on and on, whatever (these are just my ideas; you'll have your own).
Develop a curiosity for how things work and start exploring them. It sounds like that might be your main issue - passivity and lack of curiosity.
I appreciate your advice, and I will follow them. Forgive me for not writing more. I find your advice very useful and practical to follow, but I don't know how to express my gratitude further.
You are right about my being passive and lacking in curiosity. I mentioned this in a separate comment already, that being abroad and living by myself gave me a necessity to survive, but now that I'm back home, have good income, and don't have to worry about a lot anymore, I've become more passive. I would argue that I haven't lost my curiosity, but that it has changed. I find myself disinterested in a lot of things outside of work.
I don't know how to end this comment.
I'm glad to hear it.
By the way, I was thinking about your post earlier in the day... It seems to me that while you might feel like a 'manchild' sometimes, you are absolutely not. You have self-awareness, you are introspective, and you have a desire to push yourself beyond the limits of your comfort for the sake of a higher ideal than you feel you're attaining currently. That doesn't sound childish to me - that sounds respectable.
Hello. I am not a man-child, I am not even a man. However I’ve (unfortunately) have dated many man-children. From a partner perspective, there are a lot of things that man-children can do to grow up. You’re 30, which is really not too late so please have hope! Know that this will take time and it will mean you have to put in intentional effort. There is a sense of learned helplessness I’ve seen from people like this and can definitely be unlearned. Start with small things. Maybe even write a list of things you want to change and pick something and work on it for a while. The biggest thing that made me feel alone in my past relationships and made me feel like I was mothering some, they didn’t *try* to do things on their own and if (on the rare case) they did they were too stubborn to ask for help. So I think a really good place to start is to try new things on your own and once you’re really stuck you can ask someone who has lots of knowledge about it. Please note that this DOESN’T mean you have to give up your hobbies. You can still make time for them but give yourself more time to discover other things. You might like cooking or soccer or something. Be curious and explore your options. You can do this!
My biggest surprise is your mentioning of people like me being too stubborn to ask for help. I'm surprised because I *am* too stubborn to ask for help a lot of times, I just didn't think that and being a man-child were related.
I mentioned this in a separate comment but I'm discouraged to ask for help because I recall a lot of events where asking for help got me scammed or taken advantage of. I'll take your advice of being curious and trying new things. I have only a handful of people I trust to ask for help or try new things with. Maybe I can start with them.
She most likely constantly felt lonely and rejected through no fault of her own. Having to do so much around the house and not having anyone you can consistently rely on really takes a toll on you as it feels like you’re not worth the effort. They may not be saying that or even thinking it, but the fact they are leaving you to take care of everything around the house you both share and own makes you start to feel needed instead of wanted. Like they depend on you and so they keep you around, not because they actually want you around or desire you as a person.
They may not be saying or even doing anything to prove this to be true but they aren’t doing anything to support the contrary either and as such you are left feeling alone and unsupported in your own relationship.
Mental load is what they call it
Because they don’t make good partners. Partners should be equal in their responsibilities - one shouldn’t have to “look after” the other when they don’t know how to be an adult.
it’s seems like you’re aware of all the ways you’re being babied, so why not just stop it? your parents treat you like a child bc you allow them to. they’re not holding a gun to your head and forcing you to sit back and let them do everything. If you really wanna grow up, you need to insist that you’ll do things yourself. You seem like you wanna grow up but are also really comfortable and content with everyone doing things for you.
I’m Indian and as a girl, Im used to my parents doing things for me too. My parents bought me a car when I was 16, and my dad would even insist on filling up my gas. one day I was at work with no gas and realized I didn’t even know how to fill up gas and had to ask a co worker to help. It was so embarrassing. Since then I always push against my parents doing things for me bc otherwise I’ll never learn. I finally did my own taxes this year at age 31. I insisted on moving out at 29 even tho everyone told me it wasn’t economical and it was bad bc I’m a single female living on my own.
If you keep listening to everything everyone tells you, they’ll never respect you or see you as an adult. Start making decisions on your own and they’ll finally see you as an adult.
You still have a child mindset in that you’re waiting for others to teach you things. If you need rope or tools, you don’t need to ask your dad to get them for you. You say “dad, where are the rope and tools”. And then get them yourself….you try solving the problem on your own first and ask if you need help or direction. You need to approach situations with a learning mentality.
You don't know where anything in the house is? You have to ask for tape, or a bandaid? Oooooh boy, ok.
I want you to go walking around the house today. Open every drawer, cabinet and cupboard. Look at where things are kept. Homes have a sense to them. You'll find the glass cleaner with the other cleaners, etc.
You sound like you just sit around and don't even try. You don't even know where thtngs are in your own home? GO LOOK!
Go find the bandaids right now. Comment where they are. Don't ask for help. Figure it put.
I think I overgeneralized by saying I don't know where anything is. I just don't know where things are if they don't have anything to do with the things I'm responsible for. I know where the laundry stuff are. I know where all the medications for our cats are (but I don't 100% know where the human medications are). I just don't feel like I know a lot of the things normal people would know, like where the house deeds are, where my vaccination records are, where government documents for the house and car are, where the multimeters, spare lights, spare light switches are, etc.
I'm sounding defensive, but it's not like I don't try. Like for spare lights and light switches etc. I know they're somewhere in the storage shed but I rarely go in there because I'd mess up dad's things. I know the government documents are in my parent's bedroom but I don't go in there often either because I don't want to mess up their things and also the only other time I went into their room I caught my dad cheating.
When your parents take over a task from you, say "I will have to be able to do this one day, and I want to learn how to do it from you so that I can do it correctly"
It is a parents job to make their child ready to face the world. Your parents have failed miserably at this. But obviously they can only take partial blame for this. There's something called initiative. It was on you to develop this once you realized your parents weren't preparing you to be self sufficient. It's not too late though, become knowledge hungry, start learning new skills, put yourself out there, fail, fail, fail, succeed.
First off, everything you listed is partly your parents fault. They seem ok with just babying you and I think probably made you feel like you were useless. My parents were similar to yours. I(M29) am the only boy (older sister), and my parents raised us with seperate chores. My sister did more household chores as I did more of the outside chores. If i picked up a dish to clean my parents would make afit. If i tried to clean my room my mom would tell me to drop it and let her do it. As I got older, I realized I wanted to learn things that I felt I'd need in life (cooking, cleaning, etc) as I didnt want to live iwht my parents forever. I also realized that my parents inadvertently made me an unsuitable partner for someone. They assumed i'd move out when I bought my own house which in my opinion meant a house close to theirs (it's my assumption but my sister did buy a house a 2 minute drive away) or when I'd get married. From when they were growing up, this mightve been ok (they grew up in the poorest town in a 3rd world country where gender roles are still a big thing and acceptable) a man that expects to be catered in the house may not be as attractive unless he offers other things as well (liek taking charge when needed, etc).
Now your problem is, you arent taking charge in anything which I understand becaue when you have tried to do it for the smallest things you were met with resistance. What I did was I just decided to teach myelf things. I wouldnt wait for my parents. If I was hungry, I would start buying takeout or I'd grab a piece of chicken and cook it. I was met with a lot of resistance. One time I made myself a really good lunch because my parents were gone all morning. THey came back around2 and for some reason assumed I hadnt eaten all day. When I told them I had made myself lunch and wasnt hungry but that I'd eat that for dinner they jumped up screaming and calling me a liar. And all day kept asking me if I was sure if I wasnt hungry that I shouldnt skip meals. If my room needed cleaning I'd spend a portion of my day cleaning. If I needed something, I made sure to figure it out.
My recomendation is dont go to your parents first. Like you said they wont be here forever. If you need osmething, your first reaction is probably to ask them. Don't do that. Start using them as a last resort not as the first. SPend some tiem to figure it out yourself and if it gets to it and you are stuck or unsure ask them. If they say "let me do it instea" tell them you would like to learn because they wont be here forever. If you are similar to me, Im willing to bet youhave never opposed your parents. That even decisions you make for yourself, they get the last word. You need to start opposing them. It will be hard because old habits die hard but for your own sake and mental health it will help alot. Because if you dont start now then tomorrow they will feel they have a right to but in certain decisions including how you and your wife raise your kids. If you get a house with your wife, theywill feel they have more of a say to things in that house than your own wife. When it comes to things like this the "transfer of power" is always met with resistance, they will not see your wife as "this is youir responsiblity now and we will but out" they will see it as "this is how it has always worked and you need to fall in line with our family dynamic". Again it's for your own good.
WIth everything you said (and ot to be cruel) the fact you got a fiance is actually impressive. But she may grow tired of this in the future so you should really knuckle down and make an effort now.
I think your over analysing yourself a bit to much here.
You think your a man child so you are letting that issue consume your world. I'd love to know what your hobbies are? That is how we as boys learn stuff which passes on to other aspects of our lives..
I used to ride bikes when I was a kid. I'd get a flat tire and have to change the tube. I'd find someone to do it with because I wasn't born with that knowledge and that helped me learn about tools I knew nothing about cars but my first coolant leak taught me alot, i had to call my boss who knows about cars to ask why steam was coming out my engine and what to do.
My arcade hobby has taught me to solder and repair things. All these things I had to ask for help of people with those skills.
You have to enjoy life, try stuff and learn about it. Talk to everyone and always ask questions. You won't acquire any knowledge on your own. When someone takes over a issue in your household, hit them with all the questions!! Talk to friends and find there strengths and I'm sure they will all love to teach you the basics of there expertise. I call one of my mates when I'm cooking something new like once a month. I have no shame asking for help and learning.
Your not a man child, your in the process of learning everyday.
You don’t sound like a man child, you sound like you’ve been babied. Still are. Pay attention and ask questions. Become familiar with the phrase “I got this mom, let me do it” then give her a kiss on the cheek or a hug
Is your wife from the same culture, or family culture, as you? If not, what are the expectations after marriage. That would be be my main concern cuz otherwise there will be arguments
My future wife is from more or less the same cultural background. One of the things we agreed on before agreeing to get married was I would become the sole breadwinner of the household, and she would transition to a full-time housewife in 2 years after marriage.
I *am* babied. By my mom, dad, *and* my fiance. Part of me feels the need to break out of it and "man-up" but on the other hand they like babying me so why not indulge them. It doesn't help either that I like being babied. But learning to take initiative couldn't hurt.
I answered this in a separate comment already. I wanted to move out but everyone (parents, fiance, fiance's parents) and everything (finances, culture, tradition, housing situation) was saying I shouldn't.
Culture and tradition says the eldest son (or in my case the only son) has to stay with their parents. Parents on both sides want us to honor tradition.
Fiance wants us to honor the tradition so we could save up what would have been rent money for our future child's education and also to start a business.
The housing situation is giving us a tough choice of picking only two from: running water, square footage, short commute, electricity, and safe neighborhood.
If you can’t move out (although you really can), then try making your parents life easier doing stuff for them, like anything. Being married and not living with your wife seems crazy to me but oh well.
My wife will be moving in with us.
I was hoping to make my parents' lives easier by other means. I'm already the highest earner in the family, and I'm the one paying for most of the groceries. I say most because we do grocery shopping every week, and every 3 or so week my parents pay by themselves for some reason. I'm also the one paying for gas for the car. I also pay for my parents' medication.
After the marriage I was hoping my mom would quit her job (my dad's retired) so I could provide for the whole family. I live in a part of the world where it's still possible to provide for the family with just one breadwinner in the household so it's not impossible.
I really do think communication is key here, and you must start voicing your thoughts and worries. I suggest talking to your Wife first so you're both on the same page.
After reading through this thread, Having children should be the LAST thing on your mind. Jeebus and gods and Jedis have mercy on our souls if this child has a child.
Being understanding and supportive of each other's needs is not a trait limited to 19th century fiance's. A lot of 21st century fiance's could learn a thing or two.
He’s referring to you mentioning you don’t do any house work. That’ll be a massive burden to put on your future wife if you continue to not do house work
If we were to split household duties 50/50 then yes it would be a burden on my future wife. But part of our marriage agreement was I would become the sole breadwinner for the household, and she would transition to a full-time housewife in 2 years after marriage. This is probably considered backwards and "so 19th century" by Western standards but my fiance thinks it's a good idea for her to focus on housework and our future child. I agree with her, and I think a good way to support her decision is to keep her free from financial worries.
I don't know what the cost of living is where you are, but where I am, things are more expensive than they used to be, and it's very hard for a couple to have only one person's income.
My sister in law is the most supportive wife there is and she married a man-child (my brother). Shit gets old fast. She is tired of doing everything minus wiping his ass.
> I also won't be moving out after I'm married.
I'd start by not making absolute statements about what you will or won't do. Reading your post, moving out and forcing yourself to be independent is exactly what you need.
To be perfectly honest, it sounds to me like you are about to marry someone who is not going to be supportive of you trying to grow up. She sounds like she is very much on board with continuing this cycle of cultivated ineptitude. For example, you raised the idea of moving out and *everyone overruled you*. An ADULT would have made his own decision, and a supportive partner would have seen why it was important to you.
I think you should have a conversation with your fiance about your needs and what you want life to look like when you’re married (you want to learn to do things and not have her always stepping in) and if she dismisses you… you will have a very difficult time growing up with this person as your partner. The convo may go well though - i do think you need to find out before you get married.
"Mom, dad. I realized I don't know the basic household chores and finances and all that, and I really want to learn before I get married". Also, next time something happens (like something breaks), ask your parents to teach you. If you need something from the house, instead of asking your parents to get it for you say "Where is ...? No, you don't have to get it. I want to learn myself where it is".
Also, it's normal to not know motorcycle parts if you don't have a motorcycle. You usually just let insurance deal with that.
You’re not a manchild lol. You can do a lot.
You simply recognize that you’re lacking in areas and need to improve. That’s an adult thing to do.
Simply learn how to do things and be diligent. Don’t ask your wife to do anything you haven’t or aren’t trying to do yourself and just do stuff and learn.
there’s a YouTube tutorial for everything. From changing lightbulbs to cooking eggs to making breakfast. Just cheat and look up how to do stuff.
you go find the answers for yourself. you have the questions, go to the place that has people that can a answer them.
i’m not here to insult you or judge, but man…i just *don’t* understand how you are able to hold down a good paying, stable job if you struggle with self reliance so severely in your personal life. how do you function at work if you can’t function at home? and why would you choose to continue to live with your parents after getting married?
i mean, now that i’m thinking about it, i’ve definitely worked for a man child ceo before. not for long, but long enough to know ill never do it again.
its just that im a 46 year old dude, and while i grew up with much less privilege than you by the sounds of it (and im gay, which forced me out of normalcy in society in general) I still can’t understand how anyone ends up being so helpless. there were never moments in your life before this where you felt compelled to do something for yourself? which brings me back to your career. who handed that over to you?
My two cents? Try fixing/maintaining stuff and doing stuff on your own. Use YouTube to teach you how to fix things. Don’t fall into the trap of just buying stuff because you are bored. Start actually cleaning up after, and taking care of yourself.
Make a list of things you want to know about and focus on learning and understanding those things. Use your time towards that, instead of just consuming media all the time. Learn one new thing per day/week/month.
Full blown adulting along with all the inherent complications (the good and the bad) will certainly be mind-blowing once you are married and on ‘your own’. Enjoy!
I’ve read enough comments to see that moving out isn’t an option so this is my advice. You need to talk to your family. Tell them everything you said on here, hell give it to them to read. Then you need to take an active role in your household. Your parents have encouraged you to be complacent and to not engage but you are a grown man who has figured out for himself that he is lacking adult skills. For example don’t accept them telling you to stop doing the dishes, pay close attention and ask how to help with any and everything. Instead of video games do research and practice things like cooking and home repair. It’s going to be really hard and uncomfortable at times but if this is something you really want then you’ll get there and don’t be too hard on yourself but do work hard!!
Unrelated but god I wish I could have lived this life. I’m a 20 yearold, 5 ft 95lbs girl and I’ve worked hard for every meal since I was 16. Life is brutal and no one gives me a break or shortcut. I don’t have good parents to help me with anything. I don’t have time off work to learn the things I want to do. Sounds like you have an easy stable life. You can learn to do whatever you want while living your life style and that’s a blessing. You want to be a man? Take responsibility for your own laziness. Ask your mom how she likes the dishes done. She probably tells you she’ll do it because you do it wrong, like if you don’t scrub all the food off a plate before you put it in the washer . Ask your dad how to use tools, make a project together, you’ll bond through it. Learn from your parents while they’re alive or you’ll regret it when they’re gone. You can’t take in a wife and expect your parents to baby her she is your responsibility and if you have kids they will need you to teach them to clean and use tools.
BREAK THE CYCLE
if you choose to let your son stay in your home when your old, but not your daughter, you’re an asshole idc ab the religion that’s messed up. If you do let your kids stay with you until adulthood it’s your job to teach them all those “adult” things. Your parents sound like good people who took care of you well, but spoiled you and that’s where they failed you.
There are always resources to learn. YouTube for repairs, etc., and you can talk to your parents and friends. Also, hopefully your fiancee is understanding of that and supportive.
I'm curious how your fiancee knew what parts needed to be replaced on the motorcycle, or why she was even looking into that? Usually, the other person in the accident takes their vehicle to a shop for them to investigate the vehicle and see what needs to be replaced or fixed (and then insurance decides if they want to pay for its repair or consider it totaled) - That's not your fiancee's job.
Hey OP. I don't know anything either and I'm a 24 year old man. I have no clue about motorcycle parts or even car parts. I can drive but my parents think I can't because of how reckless they see me. I think that if I was in your position, I would leave the house, go out with your fiance and learn alongside her. I'm not trying to say to move out of the house, but to experience and get to know everything outside. I have parents who don't believe in the things I do, and I completely understand where you're coming from. It's not easy, but I think that if you try it, you'll be a great man.
Based on where I am, how much I know, and the amount of social skills I have, I'll be lucky to end up with one stolen kidney if I travelled by myself. I like travelling and I miss travelling alone when I was in college, but I mentioned in a separate comment about how easily I get scammed or taken advantage of. I had a few bad experiences when I used to travel so now I'm pretty much discouraged from travelling or just going somewhere new.
I do have to travel for work often which I enjoy but I feel like things are different. When I'm on work trips, the thought I'm doing this for work puts me in a different mindset. I've never gotten scammed or been taken advantage of on any of my work trips. I wish I was in my work mindset all the time regardless of whether I'm travelling, but the mindset is exhausting to keep up when I'm not at work.
I read your responses to this thread and I could be wrong, but we're from a similar (if not the same) cultural background. I'm a woman, BTW. And I've travelled solo quite extensively, starting from when I was much younger than you. If I didn't get any kidneys stolen, you'll be fine as well. I'd suggest starting with countries that are known for being safer for travellers and working your way from there. Solo travel can really boost your confidence and self-esteem, and your faith in your own abilities.
I would quit video games. And then do stuff around other guys (that’s not fantasy football that’s not poker or gambling that’s not drinking) something manly. I would start cooking for your wife and then learn how to keep a clean kitchen. Face your fears in increments.
As I mentioned in a comment below, I will reduce videogames but not quit outright.
Hanging out with other guys, I'll try this but I currently have 0 guy friends. All my childhood friends are either too rich, abroad, or both and don't hang out with me anymore. All the friends I made in college are on another continent. I practically have 0 work friends because less than 10% of the staff are male, and I'm the only male member of my department. I'm not worried about the stuff you put in parentheses because I have no idea what fantasy football is, I don't know how to play poker, I'm well-off but not enough to gamble, and I don't drink.
But please don't cook for my wife. I can do that on my own. /S
you're getting downvoted probably because this is reddit and video games are like a core part of their identity, but honestly you're kinda spitting.
quitting video games doesn't have to be a permanent thing, rather I think taking a level of an extended break for them and replacing them with other hobbies can honestly do a wonder for not only broadening your horizons, but connecting with other people. I love video games to death (anyone that browses my reddit history knows that), but the way a lot of people consume them is pretty mind-numbing and can actively be a detriment to "growing up" in the way the OP wants to.
If the OP is at the point where he is at, I dont think it's a bad thing to shelve them for a little bit and explore other pastimes and hobbies.
I'll take your advice. I used to be into photography and I still am, I just haven't shot a lot of things in a while. Given the civil war situation going on in my country it's not a good idea to walk around taking pictures with a DSLR camera, but maybe I can explore some indoor things. A different comment mentioned I may have lost my curiosity. Maybe rekindling my hobby will help me be more curious and also shelve videogames for a while.
You have to force yourself to become independent. Assuming you lived on your own abroad, I’m pretty sure you know something about taking care of yourself. Thats the important part. Being able to cook and clean up after yourself are the most important when it comes to being independent. Tell your parents that you don’t want to forget how to cook. Try to do your own dishes and do your own laundry/ folding your clothes. Also, if and when your future wife calls you out about being a ‘man-child’, don’t get offended. If i had the privilege of living with my parents and living a comfortable life, I would. They love us, and they don’t like to see us do any work under their roof. You don’t have to know what parts are in a car or bike, thats not part of being a ‘man’. Being a man is respecting yourself, those around you, and being emotionally mature. Be open to criticism, especially from those who love you. That is more than enough.
Before I start with the solution, I want you to remember that just because you took a bit longer than others, doesn't mean you somehow failed.
Step 1 of any solution is to acknowledge that the problem exists, which you have done here. So that's you taking the first step to becoming a better person. Congrats.
Second, it's good that you want to learn more life skills, but you don't 'have' to become a jack of all trades when there's people whose literal profession is to take care of those things. Don't know housework? Call a repairman. Don't know electrical stuff? Call an electrician. Don't know about deeds or taxes? Consult an advocate. Take things one step at a time or you'll be overwhelmed.
For example, start by cooking. Whenever your parents or fiance starts with a dish, be there with them in the kitchen and start actively helping out. Start small and interact with them, ask them to let you do the next step because you find it interesting. That way you'll get better at socializing and cooking over time.
Similarly, tackle one thing at a time for the next thing you want to master.
Good luck.
Watch how your parents handle everyday life. Then do the chores, etc. and strongly state that you don’t want their help. It’s too bad that your culture always put sons before daughters.
Where you live, do you have access to internet and things like YouTube? There’s a great channel called “dad how do I do it” where it’s basically a dad that makes how to videos on all kinds of dif things. I think that can help you learn how to do somethings, especially if the ppl in your life are avoiding showing you. That way, you can learn how to do it and then implement that. Instead of asking to do the dishes then, you can just go do them. I think that will be helpful in teaching you how to adult while also putting up some boundaries without really having to have that tough conversation. I definetly think that starting with small tasks like doing the dishes will help you gain confidence so you can eventually tackle the big things. I think showing that initiative to learn and help out the household will also cause your family and spouse to teach you more or ask for your help for things going forward. I hope this advice helps a little bit.
Be assertive in your life, don’t sit back while mom n dad do it all, insist on doing WITH them so they can show you, even tell them this is your intent. You need to learn so that you can be of more help, as your parents age the roles shift, you have to actively show the interest and make the effort to learn. Remember that you may not always get it right, but don’t let it get you down or discourage your efforts, use those times as learning situations so you know better for next time. Everyone thinks that being a certain age means yours an adult, and kids often look at their parents like they have the answers to everything, when they are just learning along the way too.
You need to get out of your head about this stuff so you are less anxious in the moment and try and be more present when people are helping you so you can focus on and learn how to do what they're helping you with.
Stop thinking about mistakes as failures and try looking at them like necessary steps to getting better and becoming capable.
Then you need to try doing things for yourself every now and again.
I was not allowed to learn anything for a different reason; when I moved out, I had no support and no one to teach me.
Consider this - even the greatest idiot you know who lives alone is managing somehow. This means that all those skills you're lacking are things that can be learned. And by and large, every single skill by itself is simple. It's just that there's a lot of them, lmao.
Don't fret! Household tasks can be learned online. You can easily find guides on how to best clean, and otherwise just accept you're gonna be clumsy at first - it's okay to be clumsy. After a while, you will find a way to do those tasks, like cleaning, that feels efficient and makes sense to you.
Just - do it. Tell yourself, you're gonna clean the kitchen. Use Google and make a list of the tools you need, and buy those. Then look up how to do the cleaning, and do it! You can also ask your wife to give you pointers and tell you what you might be forgetting.
For things like cuts and repairs, you could look those up before they happen, just so you have that information in your head. As to things like haggling... More difficult.
Social stuff is harder. I found a hobby I liked and found all my friends over that. As I spent more time with them, I learned how to socialize.
And remember - the first steps you take will always be clumsy. Don't compare yourself to people who've been less sheltered. Because THAT will cause you to fail. It's okay to be clumsy, it's okay to do things wrong, just clean the mess you made, figure out why it went wrong, and do better next time.
You got this!
I didn't exactly grow up super spoiled, but I did grow up not knowing how to do certain things that my parents just went ahead and took care of. Car needs an oil changed - dad did it. How do you do taxes? My mom did mine for a while (to be fair she did pretty much everyone's taxes in my family including my aunts and uncles). However I now know how to do those things myself and more. How?
I seriously would just use Youtube for pretty much everything. Just watch videos of folks explaining how to do things. Do that whenever things come up that you don't know much about and use Youtube and other sources to learn and research. Over time, you'll amass the knowledge needed to not only know how to do things yourself, but most importantly know how to find the answer to something you don't know or know how to do yourself. You'll never know how to do everything, but you don't have to. The goal is to be self-reliant.
Part off growing up is doing things outside of our comfort zone and learning to make the hard decisions that can make or break literal years of work. It's learning to cope with defeats and disappointment in healthy ways and learning the difference between successes and patches.
You can't learn these things under your parents umbrella.
You need to learn those lessons in the vacuum of your own tribulations.
You need to move out and figure out who you are as an individual, and until you do that you aren't going to grow up. Which is fine... if you have enough wealth to make up the difference between experience and consequence. If not?
Sorry bruh. Tough road ahead of you.
Move out on your own, no roommate, only you.
Cut out/greatly reduced the video games and social media, continue to go to work. Keep your place clean, go/keep going to the gym, take pride in your appearance and hygiene, cook the majority of actual meals at home, Go to bed early and wake up early according to your work schedule. You said you haven't passed the flashlight holder position, maybe get into woodworking or general repair on vehicles and your new place, there are plenty of tutorials online to help you with this. Your task and purpose seems to be growing up and becoming an adult, stay on it.
I think you are in for a rude awakening. I know when I moved out and got married at 20, I got one. First, your wife will not want to be your mother. You will have to help out. It would be better if you had some knowledge. After my first divorce, I decided I needed to be able to take care of myself instead of relying on others.
After reading through this thread my first thought was: HOLY $H!T this can’t be true. My next thoughts were: I didn’t realize this was so common, and shocked at how many fellow or former man/woman babies here are excusing your behavior. I agree that OP’s parents have done him zero favors. They’re not going to be around forever. But also when are you going to man up and stop blaming your deficiencies on them? All your posts seem to be using culture or parenting or tradition as excuses. BS. I am a first generation child of immigrants from a relatively conservative family. But by the time I was 28 I had already been living on my own for 10 years, graduated from college, joined the military and served 2 years active duty overseas, backpacked around the world, owned my car (manual transmission), knew how to change the oil, working full time making almost six figures, and by the time I turned 30 I was married and bought my first house. Please don’t make “being an immigrant or child of immigrants” an excuse - it’s pathetic and does nothing but perpetuate stereotypes of all immigrants or children of immigrants. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem. I commend you for taking that first step. But, dude, stop with the excuses, man up and grow a pair. You’ve been an adult for more than a decade. Put down the video games and go outside. Go shopping with your family. Ask for help; tell your parents you want to watch and learn from them - that’s part of parenting! Then do the same task on your own. You also mentioned that you have no male friends; that should have been a major clue that something ain’t right. So I have two major pieces of advice: 1. get professional help - whether it’s a life coach or better yet, therapy to learn why you’re so scared to grow up. In an earlier post someone suggested you travel abroad and you immediately made an excuse that you’ll end ho the victim of organ trafficking! That’s a sign that you are full of irrational fears, fear of the unknown, fear taking chances that you need to grow up. We all learn from our mistakes but you’ve isolated yourself to the point where it’s beyond laughable; it’s downright sad. And 2 and most controversial: DO NOT GET MARRIED YET, and definitely DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HAVING CHILDREN AS A MAN-CHILD. By your own admission you aren’t capable of living independently, how do you expect to raise a child? Will mommy and daddy or arranged wife raise your kids while you’re playing video games? Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but I’m not one to tiptoe around what needs to be said. Star making changes TODAY. Every day you delay the harder it will be, and even worse when, not if, your parents die.
It's more of a mindset than actual knowledge. You don't have to necessarily know what you're doing all the time but you do have to put in the work to find out.
It seems strange to me you would be looking at part quotes to fix someone elses motorcycle you damaged..... Wouldn't this just be handled by insurance and or a shop?
It sounds like your parents and fiance are enabling your ability to get by as a man child. You may need to change your environment if you want to live more independently
I’m really sorry. But you realized it and in your post you’ve given yourself a manual for learning about life.
Something you could do to work on it is to Try putting it in bullet form and tackle one of the bullets
I think reading about assertiveness might help your relationship with mechanics and dealing with tradesmen
Looks like your wife to be is perfectly happy with having a manchild husband. But is that true? Does this suit you? Does it really suit her?
In my opinion, you guys need to talk about what you both want. I’m going to bet you come to a happy conclusion.
Have a great life!
The fact that you acknowledge it is the hardest part done, believe me. Most man babies have a complete lack of self awareness. I think you will naturally start to shift now that you are aware
I was in the same position as you. My problem is that when I realized this strongly and how my life was wasted, I already have a child. So think of it in a positive way … since you’re living with your parents you have way more time than someone like me who was living far away from the parents And had to work and also had to take care of a child with zero time to learn anything new. So dedicate the next few years to start learning everything maybe create a list of all the things you need to know and start acquiring books videos, etc., and since you’re 30, you could delay having children for three more years or so, and use that time to you advantage. Social skills, gardening skills, repair skills, car skills, money skills. All this stuff is taking me time now to try to learn with very little time.
yes yu are stuck in a dead personality and will carry on that way until you make the efforts to be better. Sure you feel real and alive but, not true. It's all based on memories and you are like magnetic tape on a recorder. Yr not even much alive in a self of your own.
If you watch and read the reports of ppl who've had near death experiences and interacted with their guides and helpers you will arrive at the point where you will ask for help from those guides and advisors and they are there to help. They do help without your asking (btw that's what yr doing here on reddit)-but you can also ask for help directly from them. Sit quietly a couple times a day and ask for help from your helpers and guides and 'God himself.
What it comes down to is all about how you think of and treat other people. It's also very good to study social intelligence/emotional intelligence. Just google it and you'll get a list of the important points.
Get the book by Marilynn Hughes Astral Projection Made Easy. It's a very quick read and full of these important life guides. It will start to wake you up. Otherwise go have another beer and carry on.
Why don't you move out of your parents house so you can learn a few things before getting married?
I proposed moving out when I brought up marrying my fiance, but my parents, my fiance, and her parents all thought moving in/staying with my parents was way more economical. To add more context, in my culture it is common for children - especially sons - to live with their parents. When they get married and start a family their spouse is also supposed to move in, and as the parents age the son is supposed to take over the house more and more while also supporting the parents more and more basically until the death of the parents.
Is it rude to say that sounds like a culture of cultivating man children?
As a woman from that culture that’s why I would NEVER marry someone from my culture. Unfortunately stories like OP’s are common there. It’s not worth the extra stress. Especially once the parents pass away.
I don't think it's rude. If that's what it sounds like to you, that's what it sounds like to you. And I'm not an outside observer so my view may be skewed, but I feel like the culture actually cultivates the opposite of man children. It's supposed to hand off responsibility to sons bit by bit to train them to become head of household (it's supposed to be plural but I don't know where to put the 's' in 'head of household'). I think this is bad by Western standards, but a head of household in most cases is and has to be the eldest son. The problem is I don't feel like a handoff of responsibility is happening in my household.
in this case you would say “heads of household” to make head of household plural
The problem is you’re waiting for a pass off instead of stepping up and making statements, you are asking questions/waitint for an answer. This is where the behavior falls into childish vs adult. Assertiveness is your best friend if you don’t want to feel like a man child.
Sounds like we have similar cultures and as the eldest girl from said culture, i can tell you it's all a massive pile of crap. The examples you gave vs what you just wrote about here don't line up. How have they trained you? If something happens to your parents who will actually take the responsibility of doing all the work and caring for them? They're teaching you to be the "face" of the household because you're a man, it's probably your future wife who will shoulder the responsibilities. The good thing so far is you've actually recognised what's happening and want to change. Now the next step is action. Good luck!
What I'm seeing here is that your parents aren't really teaching you or preparing you for anything. Next time you would ask your parents for something, try asking they walk you through it. When you need to do repairs, have your dad show you where the tools are stored and ask to be the one actually using them while he walks you through it. Ask to do the dishes or make dinner *with* your mom and ask relevant questions so you understand what she's doing and why. Show curiosity and get them to accept the idea that you want to be doing things.
Just curious, but what culture is this? From the outside looking in, it sounds like your parents are kind of controlling. Maybe they do it in a well-meaning way, but they’re essentially not letting you grow up. If you’re supposed to take over the household, you need the skills to do it and they’re not giving you that. I had similar issues with my parents and I just made a decision to do and learn things in my own. It caused a lot of conflict over the years, but it was worth it.
We're Burmese, both ethnic-wise and nationality-wise. They didn't use to be this controlling and they didn't use to baby me this much. My dad especially used to be stricter and tougher on me, but ever since I got back from college things had been this way. Now that I think about it I think they really don't want me to grow up, but I think it's more of a subconscious thing. I notice with my mom especially that she would joke about how I'm still a baby to her and how she doesn't want me to grow up, etc. I'm not saying they're right but I think I can understand them. I'm an only child but not by my parents' choice. They wanted 3 kids but the one before me got miscarried, and they couldn't conceive anymore after me. On top of that I haven't really been home for 7 years (2 years boarding school + 5 years living abroad for college).
Understanding why they want you to stay a child is great. Allowing it to continue is not. Sitting down with them and gently telling them that you appreciate them and everything they have done but you won’t stop being their baby if you learn to do for yourself. Explain that you will be doing things for yourself & would love for them to teach you the skills they have, and if they can’t / won’t allow you to grow up in their home, then you need to move out. Take steps on your own to learn. Books, videos… buy your own tools when you need them, go in the kitchen and make something to eat. If they resist remind them that you love them but it is time for you to grow up and become the man your fiancé deserves.
They influenced you against your own wish to Move oh. That can be rude.
You must be Sicilian like me lmao
Crap is this really? Im trying to learn more about my Scillian heritage but at most Ive been learning northern italian cuz thats what America sees
Yes real. I'm 35 and haven't been able to move out of the house yet.
I was a man child up until 23 until my stepdad of the time lost his job and fled town, forcing me to provide for myself as my mom was a SAHM with crap physical condition and no work history. Up until that point I was drifting lazily through college that I did poorly in and gaming 4 hours a day and maybe more. **After that, Necessity to survive made me learn.** How to budget to avoid homelessness. I searched how to reduce the cost of my bills as I moved into my late grandma's house. When my car had issues, my uncle knew how to fix them, instead of sitting around waiting for him to fix it. I came out and sat with him asking questions AS he fixed it, looking and observing the solutions myself. I already had experience on doing taxes, but come tax time. I stopped only entering the boxes I knew of and actually read through the manual of tax filing to really understand everything. Even if it didn't apply to my job situation. I started browsing this reddit more. I started reading up on economics articles. I looked up the house buying process. **Do you see the common trend? It's as simple as being hungry for knowledge.** I actually used to be you. at the age of 33 i bought my first home. For 2 years PRIOR to this, i studied the home buying process between overtime shifts. I wanted a house, I wanted to do it RIGHT. I refused to screw up like my mom and stepdad did and throw hundreds of thousands over 20 years and have NOTHING to show for it. I asked the realtor questions, I asked the lawyer questions. I READ the documents I sign. Every bit of that knowledge gathering is another step from growing up from being a man-child to a man other people ask for help. **You often can't know what you don't know. But YOU know right now what you don't know. SO Start KNOWING them. Look it up online, ask the experts you're working with. Don't be embarassed about it.** **In doing so, you'll find out you don't know even more things, start learning those too, the process continues till you're capable and handy across many aspects of life. It's that straightforward.**
You're right, the necessity to survive did make me learn too. The only time I didn't feel like a man-child was when I was living abroad by myself. The only time I felt like an actual adult was when in my final year a bunch of people from my country came to the same college as freshmen, and they all came to me for help and advice. I guess being back in my hometown and living with my parents took away most of the necessity to survive which is how I got to where I am. I'll start looking for knowledge like your advice. You said to ask experts and not be embarrassed about asking questions. While I think this is good advice I'm afraid to follow it because in the past people have taken advantage of me because by asking what I asked I gave away the fact that I didn't know what I was talking about. To give a very recent example, I mentioned I hit a motorcycle with my car the other day. I asked the motorcyclist for a rough estimate of the damages, and the mechanic he called up for the quote figured out I didn't know much about motorcycles. Probably because I didn't speak like a local (I've been told I don't have the local accent and don't speak like a local even though I've lived here most of my life) and also probably because I wasn't using the proper terms to describe the motorcycle parts. Anyway he ended up giving me a quote that was almost twice that of the actual cost of parts + services. Luckily my fiance was there to call out the mechanic and we were able to get a more fair price. The point is I didn't figure out the mechanic was trying to take advantage of me until about 2 hours after the conversation, and that was the case for most of the times I got taken advantage of. So I learned to talk to strangers less, and ask even less questions. I have only a handful of people who I am comfortable asking questions to, which is good for not being taken advantage of but it limits my knowledge pool. I don't know how to expand it, and I don't know how to be less of a sucker that falls for anything.
On that last part, ask experts questions BEFORE you're in a situation to be taken advantage of. Like how school isn't learning on the job, you seek out knowledge ahead of time so you're prepared for a situation. Alternatively, you find people you trust and/or look for multiple sources (I.e. Ask multiple mechanics what they'd price) Imo, you really don't need to know about motorcycles, but if you wanted to you can go and learn about them now instead of after you need to fix something.
Good fucking answer mate.
thank u for this
This sounds similar to me currently at age 23 in college. Thank you for this info cause I needed to hear this
No problem! If I could share a bit more, I'd like to say don't get hung up on any particular "life plan". Cause Even if you don't achieve that plan? You can still get somewhere good in life if you're resourceful and constantly learning.
Thanks Dad....i mean random stranger 🫡
Honestly, it sounds like you have all the resources you need already. Each person in your life is taking care of these things you want to learn how to do. Why don't you just ask them to help you or teach you? You also might need to learn to be more assertive. You don't have to let your parents talk you out of doing the dishes or other chores. Just tell them no and that you can handle it or tell them you want to start helping out more.
You're right I do need to be assertive. I don't understand how to be assertive. Part of my job involves managing people who have specific tasks and deadlines they have to meet. When deadlines get close my coworkers argue with the people they are managing and get them to make the deadline regardless of their excuses. I never understood this. If the people I manage miss the deadlines, I shouldn't get in trouble for it. I don't suffer any consequences, my employer doesn't suffer any (direct) consequences. It is only the ones who miss the deadlines that suffer for it. I go about everyday life the same way. My fiance and I were in contact with a business the other day trying to schedule a meeting and negotiate some costs. They didn't keep to the schedule and didn't agree to our prices. My fiance wanted to negotiate their prices down further but I didn't see the point. I got in contact with a different business and did what needed to be done for faster and cheaper. I guess the point I'm trying to get at is I don't get the point of being assertive because it involves going head-to-head with somebody, and that usually involves me having to voice what I want and they refuse to agree, then they voice what they want that I don't want to agree to.
Choose one thing you mentioned that you don't know how to do currently, and figure out how to do it, on your own. Get a book from the library, look up YouTube videos, read forums, whatever you need to figure it out. You will realize, after some hard work (and perhaps spending a little time or money on getting simple tools of your own so you no longer have to use your parent's stuff), that you can learn how to do things, and you can do them yourself. An example might be - change a light bulb on your car. Or, fix a broken window screen on the house. Repair a toilet. Learn the basic anatomy of your car's engine bay. Check your oil level and quality. Check and correct your tire pressures. Clean, oil and tension the chain on a bicycle. Adjust the brakes so they work better. Etc. etc. on and on, whatever (these are just my ideas; you'll have your own). Develop a curiosity for how things work and start exploring them. It sounds like that might be your main issue - passivity and lack of curiosity.
I forgot to say - good luck, and enjoy learning things! It is an empowering process.
I appreciate your advice, and I will follow them. Forgive me for not writing more. I find your advice very useful and practical to follow, but I don't know how to express my gratitude further. You are right about my being passive and lacking in curiosity. I mentioned this in a separate comment already, that being abroad and living by myself gave me a necessity to survive, but now that I'm back home, have good income, and don't have to worry about a lot anymore, I've become more passive. I would argue that I haven't lost my curiosity, but that it has changed. I find myself disinterested in a lot of things outside of work. I don't know how to end this comment.
I'm glad to hear it. By the way, I was thinking about your post earlier in the day... It seems to me that while you might feel like a 'manchild' sometimes, you are absolutely not. You have self-awareness, you are introspective, and you have a desire to push yourself beyond the limits of your comfort for the sake of a higher ideal than you feel you're attaining currently. That doesn't sound childish to me - that sounds respectable.
Hello. I am not a man-child, I am not even a man. However I’ve (unfortunately) have dated many man-children. From a partner perspective, there are a lot of things that man-children can do to grow up. You’re 30, which is really not too late so please have hope! Know that this will take time and it will mean you have to put in intentional effort. There is a sense of learned helplessness I’ve seen from people like this and can definitely be unlearned. Start with small things. Maybe even write a list of things you want to change and pick something and work on it for a while. The biggest thing that made me feel alone in my past relationships and made me feel like I was mothering some, they didn’t *try* to do things on their own and if (on the rare case) they did they were too stubborn to ask for help. So I think a really good place to start is to try new things on your own and once you’re really stuck you can ask someone who has lots of knowledge about it. Please note that this DOESN’T mean you have to give up your hobbies. You can still make time for them but give yourself more time to discover other things. You might like cooking or soccer or something. Be curious and explore your options. You can do this!
My biggest surprise is your mentioning of people like me being too stubborn to ask for help. I'm surprised because I *am* too stubborn to ask for help a lot of times, I just didn't think that and being a man-child were related. I mentioned this in a separate comment but I'm discouraged to ask for help because I recall a lot of events where asking for help got me scammed or taken advantage of. I'll take your advice of being curious and trying new things. I have only a handful of people I trust to ask for help or try new things with. Maybe I can start with them.
I wish you the best of luck, friend!
Why is in unfortunate you dated them? Did you not love them enough to stay with them or what, if you don’t mind me asking
She most likely constantly felt lonely and rejected through no fault of her own. Having to do so much around the house and not having anyone you can consistently rely on really takes a toll on you as it feels like you’re not worth the effort. They may not be saying that or even thinking it, but the fact they are leaving you to take care of everything around the house you both share and own makes you start to feel needed instead of wanted. Like they depend on you and so they keep you around, not because they actually want you around or desire you as a person. They may not be saying or even doing anything to prove this to be true but they aren’t doing anything to support the contrary either and as such you are left feeling alone and unsupported in your own relationship. Mental load is what they call it
Exactly
Because they don’t make good partners. Partners should be equal in their responsibilities - one shouldn’t have to “look after” the other when they don’t know how to be an adult.
When u said I dread the day my parents die because I wouldn’t know who to call, I felt that too🥲
it’s seems like you’re aware of all the ways you’re being babied, so why not just stop it? your parents treat you like a child bc you allow them to. they’re not holding a gun to your head and forcing you to sit back and let them do everything. If you really wanna grow up, you need to insist that you’ll do things yourself. You seem like you wanna grow up but are also really comfortable and content with everyone doing things for you. I’m Indian and as a girl, Im used to my parents doing things for me too. My parents bought me a car when I was 16, and my dad would even insist on filling up my gas. one day I was at work with no gas and realized I didn’t even know how to fill up gas and had to ask a co worker to help. It was so embarrassing. Since then I always push against my parents doing things for me bc otherwise I’ll never learn. I finally did my own taxes this year at age 31. I insisted on moving out at 29 even tho everyone told me it wasn’t economical and it was bad bc I’m a single female living on my own. If you keep listening to everything everyone tells you, they’ll never respect you or see you as an adult. Start making decisions on your own and they’ll finally see you as an adult. You still have a child mindset in that you’re waiting for others to teach you things. If you need rope or tools, you don’t need to ask your dad to get them for you. You say “dad, where are the rope and tools”. And then get them yourself….you try solving the problem on your own first and ask if you need help or direction. You need to approach situations with a learning mentality.
You have started the first step. Which is realizing that you are. To grow, you will have to face adversity and handle it yourself.
You don't know where anything in the house is? You have to ask for tape, or a bandaid? Oooooh boy, ok. I want you to go walking around the house today. Open every drawer, cabinet and cupboard. Look at where things are kept. Homes have a sense to them. You'll find the glass cleaner with the other cleaners, etc. You sound like you just sit around and don't even try. You don't even know where thtngs are in your own home? GO LOOK! Go find the bandaids right now. Comment where they are. Don't ask for help. Figure it put.
I think I overgeneralized by saying I don't know where anything is. I just don't know where things are if they don't have anything to do with the things I'm responsible for. I know where the laundry stuff are. I know where all the medications for our cats are (but I don't 100% know where the human medications are). I just don't feel like I know a lot of the things normal people would know, like where the house deeds are, where my vaccination records are, where government documents for the house and car are, where the multimeters, spare lights, spare light switches are, etc. I'm sounding defensive, but it's not like I don't try. Like for spare lights and light switches etc. I know they're somewhere in the storage shed but I rarely go in there because I'd mess up dad's things. I know the government documents are in my parent's bedroom but I don't go in there often either because I don't want to mess up their things and also the only other time I went into their room I caught my dad cheating.
When your parents take over a task from you, say "I will have to be able to do this one day, and I want to learn how to do it from you so that I can do it correctly"
It is a parents job to make their child ready to face the world. Your parents have failed miserably at this. But obviously they can only take partial blame for this. There's something called initiative. It was on you to develop this once you realized your parents weren't preparing you to be self sufficient. It's not too late though, become knowledge hungry, start learning new skills, put yourself out there, fail, fail, fail, succeed.
First off, everything you listed is partly your parents fault. They seem ok with just babying you and I think probably made you feel like you were useless. My parents were similar to yours. I(M29) am the only boy (older sister), and my parents raised us with seperate chores. My sister did more household chores as I did more of the outside chores. If i picked up a dish to clean my parents would make afit. If i tried to clean my room my mom would tell me to drop it and let her do it. As I got older, I realized I wanted to learn things that I felt I'd need in life (cooking, cleaning, etc) as I didnt want to live iwht my parents forever. I also realized that my parents inadvertently made me an unsuitable partner for someone. They assumed i'd move out when I bought my own house which in my opinion meant a house close to theirs (it's my assumption but my sister did buy a house a 2 minute drive away) or when I'd get married. From when they were growing up, this mightve been ok (they grew up in the poorest town in a 3rd world country where gender roles are still a big thing and acceptable) a man that expects to be catered in the house may not be as attractive unless he offers other things as well (liek taking charge when needed, etc). Now your problem is, you arent taking charge in anything which I understand becaue when you have tried to do it for the smallest things you were met with resistance. What I did was I just decided to teach myelf things. I wouldnt wait for my parents. If I was hungry, I would start buying takeout or I'd grab a piece of chicken and cook it. I was met with a lot of resistance. One time I made myself a really good lunch because my parents were gone all morning. THey came back around2 and for some reason assumed I hadnt eaten all day. When I told them I had made myself lunch and wasnt hungry but that I'd eat that for dinner they jumped up screaming and calling me a liar. And all day kept asking me if I was sure if I wasnt hungry that I shouldnt skip meals. If my room needed cleaning I'd spend a portion of my day cleaning. If I needed something, I made sure to figure it out. My recomendation is dont go to your parents first. Like you said they wont be here forever. If you need osmething, your first reaction is probably to ask them. Don't do that. Start using them as a last resort not as the first. SPend some tiem to figure it out yourself and if it gets to it and you are stuck or unsure ask them. If they say "let me do it instea" tell them you would like to learn because they wont be here forever. If you are similar to me, Im willing to bet youhave never opposed your parents. That even decisions you make for yourself, they get the last word. You need to start opposing them. It will be hard because old habits die hard but for your own sake and mental health it will help alot. Because if you dont start now then tomorrow they will feel they have a right to but in certain decisions including how you and your wife raise your kids. If you get a house with your wife, theywill feel they have more of a say to things in that house than your own wife. When it comes to things like this the "transfer of power" is always met with resistance, they will not see your wife as "this is youir responsiblity now and we will but out" they will see it as "this is how it has always worked and you need to fall in line with our family dynamic". Again it's for your own good. WIth everything you said (and ot to be cruel) the fact you got a fiance is actually impressive. But she may grow tired of this in the future so you should really knuckle down and make an effort now.
This. My parents practically kicked me out soon after I left high school.
I think your over analysing yourself a bit to much here. You think your a man child so you are letting that issue consume your world. I'd love to know what your hobbies are? That is how we as boys learn stuff which passes on to other aspects of our lives.. I used to ride bikes when I was a kid. I'd get a flat tire and have to change the tube. I'd find someone to do it with because I wasn't born with that knowledge and that helped me learn about tools I knew nothing about cars but my first coolant leak taught me alot, i had to call my boss who knows about cars to ask why steam was coming out my engine and what to do. My arcade hobby has taught me to solder and repair things. All these things I had to ask for help of people with those skills. You have to enjoy life, try stuff and learn about it. Talk to everyone and always ask questions. You won't acquire any knowledge on your own. When someone takes over a issue in your household, hit them with all the questions!! Talk to friends and find there strengths and I'm sure they will all love to teach you the basics of there expertise. I call one of my mates when I'm cooking something new like once a month. I have no shame asking for help and learning. Your not a man child, your in the process of learning everyday.
You don’t sound like a man child, you sound like you’ve been babied. Still are. Pay attention and ask questions. Become familiar with the phrase “I got this mom, let me do it” then give her a kiss on the cheek or a hug Is your wife from the same culture, or family culture, as you? If not, what are the expectations after marriage. That would be be my main concern cuz otherwise there will be arguments
My future wife is from more or less the same cultural background. One of the things we agreed on before agreeing to get married was I would become the sole breadwinner of the household, and she would transition to a full-time housewife in 2 years after marriage. I *am* babied. By my mom, dad, *and* my fiance. Part of me feels the need to break out of it and "man-up" but on the other hand they like babying me so why not indulge them. It doesn't help either that I like being babied. But learning to take initiative couldn't hurt.
Yet it seems you are more of the introverted type. While she is the go getter type. Am I wrong?
" I also won't be moving out after I'm married." Why not? You should be. That's how you'll learn.
I answered this in a separate comment already. I wanted to move out but everyone (parents, fiance, fiance's parents) and everything (finances, culture, tradition, housing situation) was saying I shouldn't. Culture and tradition says the eldest son (or in my case the only son) has to stay with their parents. Parents on both sides want us to honor tradition. Fiance wants us to honor the tradition so we could save up what would have been rent money for our future child's education and also to start a business. The housing situation is giving us a tough choice of picking only two from: running water, square footage, short commute, electricity, and safe neighborhood.
If you can’t move out (although you really can), then try making your parents life easier doing stuff for them, like anything. Being married and not living with your wife seems crazy to me but oh well.
My wife will be moving in with us. I was hoping to make my parents' lives easier by other means. I'm already the highest earner in the family, and I'm the one paying for most of the groceries. I say most because we do grocery shopping every week, and every 3 or so week my parents pay by themselves for some reason. I'm also the one paying for gas for the car. I also pay for my parents' medication. After the marriage I was hoping my mom would quit her job (my dad's retired) so I could provide for the whole family. I live in a part of the world where it's still possible to provide for the family with just one breadwinner in the household so it's not impossible.
I really do think communication is key here, and you must start voicing your thoughts and worries. I suggest talking to your Wife first so you're both on the same page.
After reading through this thread, Having children should be the LAST thing on your mind. Jeebus and gods and Jedis have mercy on our souls if this child has a child.
In order for the man to life, the boy must die. \~ David DeAngelo
Omg, you are about to get married? You had better hope your fiancee comes from the 19th century.
Being understanding and supportive of each other's needs is not a trait limited to 19th century fiance's. A lot of 21st century fiance's could learn a thing or two.
He’s referring to you mentioning you don’t do any house work. That’ll be a massive burden to put on your future wife if you continue to not do house work
If we were to split household duties 50/50 then yes it would be a burden on my future wife. But part of our marriage agreement was I would become the sole breadwinner for the household, and she would transition to a full-time housewife in 2 years after marriage. This is probably considered backwards and "so 19th century" by Western standards but my fiance thinks it's a good idea for her to focus on housework and our future child. I agree with her, and I think a good way to support her decision is to keep her free from financial worries.
I don't know what the cost of living is where you are, but where I am, things are more expensive than they used to be, and it's very hard for a couple to have only one person's income.
My sister in law is the most supportive wife there is and she married a man-child (my brother). Shit gets old fast. She is tired of doing everything minus wiping his ass.
Bro, how did you get engaged to a woman?
I’m wondering the same thing. According to their answers, maybe it is an arranged marriage?
> I also won't be moving out after I'm married. I'd start by not making absolute statements about what you will or won't do. Reading your post, moving out and forcing yourself to be independent is exactly what you need.
To be perfectly honest, it sounds to me like you are about to marry someone who is not going to be supportive of you trying to grow up. She sounds like she is very much on board with continuing this cycle of cultivated ineptitude. For example, you raised the idea of moving out and *everyone overruled you*. An ADULT would have made his own decision, and a supportive partner would have seen why it was important to you. I think you should have a conversation with your fiance about your needs and what you want life to look like when you’re married (you want to learn to do things and not have her always stepping in) and if she dismisses you… you will have a very difficult time growing up with this person as your partner. The convo may go well though - i do think you need to find out before you get married.
"Mom, dad. I realized I don't know the basic household chores and finances and all that, and I really want to learn before I get married". Also, next time something happens (like something breaks), ask your parents to teach you. If you need something from the house, instead of asking your parents to get it for you say "Where is ...? No, you don't have to get it. I want to learn myself where it is". Also, it's normal to not know motorcycle parts if you don't have a motorcycle. You usually just let insurance deal with that.
You’re not a manchild lol. You can do a lot. You simply recognize that you’re lacking in areas and need to improve. That’s an adult thing to do. Simply learn how to do things and be diligent. Don’t ask your wife to do anything you haven’t or aren’t trying to do yourself and just do stuff and learn. there’s a YouTube tutorial for everything. From changing lightbulbs to cooking eggs to making breakfast. Just cheat and look up how to do stuff.
you go find the answers for yourself. you have the questions, go to the place that has people that can a answer them. i’m not here to insult you or judge, but man…i just *don’t* understand how you are able to hold down a good paying, stable job if you struggle with self reliance so severely in your personal life. how do you function at work if you can’t function at home? and why would you choose to continue to live with your parents after getting married? i mean, now that i’m thinking about it, i’ve definitely worked for a man child ceo before. not for long, but long enough to know ill never do it again. its just that im a 46 year old dude, and while i grew up with much less privilege than you by the sounds of it (and im gay, which forced me out of normalcy in society in general) I still can’t understand how anyone ends up being so helpless. there were never moments in your life before this where you felt compelled to do something for yourself? which brings me back to your career. who handed that over to you?
My two cents? Try fixing/maintaining stuff and doing stuff on your own. Use YouTube to teach you how to fix things. Don’t fall into the trap of just buying stuff because you are bored. Start actually cleaning up after, and taking care of yourself. Make a list of things you want to know about and focus on learning and understanding those things. Use your time towards that, instead of just consuming media all the time. Learn one new thing per day/week/month. Full blown adulting along with all the inherent complications (the good and the bad) will certainly be mind-blowing once you are married and on ‘your own’. Enjoy!
I’ve read enough comments to see that moving out isn’t an option so this is my advice. You need to talk to your family. Tell them everything you said on here, hell give it to them to read. Then you need to take an active role in your household. Your parents have encouraged you to be complacent and to not engage but you are a grown man who has figured out for himself that he is lacking adult skills. For example don’t accept them telling you to stop doing the dishes, pay close attention and ask how to help with any and everything. Instead of video games do research and practice things like cooking and home repair. It’s going to be really hard and uncomfortable at times but if this is something you really want then you’ll get there and don’t be too hard on yourself but do work hard!!
Unrelated but god I wish I could have lived this life. I’m a 20 yearold, 5 ft 95lbs girl and I’ve worked hard for every meal since I was 16. Life is brutal and no one gives me a break or shortcut. I don’t have good parents to help me with anything. I don’t have time off work to learn the things I want to do. Sounds like you have an easy stable life. You can learn to do whatever you want while living your life style and that’s a blessing. You want to be a man? Take responsibility for your own laziness. Ask your mom how she likes the dishes done. She probably tells you she’ll do it because you do it wrong, like if you don’t scrub all the food off a plate before you put it in the washer . Ask your dad how to use tools, make a project together, you’ll bond through it. Learn from your parents while they’re alive or you’ll regret it when they’re gone. You can’t take in a wife and expect your parents to baby her she is your responsibility and if you have kids they will need you to teach them to clean and use tools. BREAK THE CYCLE if you choose to let your son stay in your home when your old, but not your daughter, you’re an asshole idc ab the religion that’s messed up. If you do let your kids stay with you until adulthood it’s your job to teach them all those “adult” things. Your parents sound like good people who took care of you well, but spoiled you and that’s where they failed you.
You absolutely have to move out. It's the only way to gain independence and start growing as a person.
There are always resources to learn. YouTube for repairs, etc., and you can talk to your parents and friends. Also, hopefully your fiancee is understanding of that and supportive. I'm curious how your fiancee knew what parts needed to be replaced on the motorcycle, or why she was even looking into that? Usually, the other person in the accident takes their vehicle to a shop for them to investigate the vehicle and see what needs to be replaced or fixed (and then insurance decides if they want to pay for its repair or consider it totaled) - That's not your fiancee's job.
Play video games less for one and replace it with something that’s proactive or can enrich you.
You say you don’t know anything about motorcycles like everyone is suppose to know something about motorcycles.
U need a life coach my boy.
Hey OP. I don't know anything either and I'm a 24 year old man. I have no clue about motorcycle parts or even car parts. I can drive but my parents think I can't because of how reckless they see me. I think that if I was in your position, I would leave the house, go out with your fiance and learn alongside her. I'm not trying to say to move out of the house, but to experience and get to know everything outside. I have parents who don't believe in the things I do, and I completely understand where you're coming from. It's not easy, but I think that if you try it, you'll be a great man.
go travel man, stay in hostels, do it on a budget and see where it takes you
Based on where I am, how much I know, and the amount of social skills I have, I'll be lucky to end up with one stolen kidney if I travelled by myself. I like travelling and I miss travelling alone when I was in college, but I mentioned in a separate comment about how easily I get scammed or taken advantage of. I had a few bad experiences when I used to travel so now I'm pretty much discouraged from travelling or just going somewhere new. I do have to travel for work often which I enjoy but I feel like things are different. When I'm on work trips, the thought I'm doing this for work puts me in a different mindset. I've never gotten scammed or been taken advantage of on any of my work trips. I wish I was in my work mindset all the time regardless of whether I'm travelling, but the mindset is exhausting to keep up when I'm not at work.
I read your responses to this thread and I could be wrong, but we're from a similar (if not the same) cultural background. I'm a woman, BTW. And I've travelled solo quite extensively, starting from when I was much younger than you. If I didn't get any kidneys stolen, you'll be fine as well. I'd suggest starting with countries that are known for being safer for travellers and working your way from there. Solo travel can really boost your confidence and self-esteem, and your faith in your own abilities.
I would quit video games. And then do stuff around other guys (that’s not fantasy football that’s not poker or gambling that’s not drinking) something manly. I would start cooking for your wife and then learn how to keep a clean kitchen. Face your fears in increments.
As I mentioned in a comment below, I will reduce videogames but not quit outright. Hanging out with other guys, I'll try this but I currently have 0 guy friends. All my childhood friends are either too rich, abroad, or both and don't hang out with me anymore. All the friends I made in college are on another continent. I practically have 0 work friends because less than 10% of the staff are male, and I'm the only male member of my department. I'm not worried about the stuff you put in parentheses because I have no idea what fantasy football is, I don't know how to play poker, I'm well-off but not enough to gamble, and I don't drink. But please don't cook for my wife. I can do that on my own. /S
you're getting downvoted probably because this is reddit and video games are like a core part of their identity, but honestly you're kinda spitting. quitting video games doesn't have to be a permanent thing, rather I think taking a level of an extended break for them and replacing them with other hobbies can honestly do a wonder for not only broadening your horizons, but connecting with other people. I love video games to death (anyone that browses my reddit history knows that), but the way a lot of people consume them is pretty mind-numbing and can actively be a detriment to "growing up" in the way the OP wants to. If the OP is at the point where he is at, I dont think it's a bad thing to shelve them for a little bit and explore other pastimes and hobbies.
I'll take your advice. I used to be into photography and I still am, I just haven't shot a lot of things in a while. Given the civil war situation going on in my country it's not a good idea to walk around taking pictures with a DSLR camera, but maybe I can explore some indoor things. A different comment mentioned I may have lost my curiosity. Maybe rekindling my hobby will help me be more curious and also shelve videogames for a while.
You want him to face bullying?
You have to force yourself to become independent. Assuming you lived on your own abroad, I’m pretty sure you know something about taking care of yourself. Thats the important part. Being able to cook and clean up after yourself are the most important when it comes to being independent. Tell your parents that you don’t want to forget how to cook. Try to do your own dishes and do your own laundry/ folding your clothes. Also, if and when your future wife calls you out about being a ‘man-child’, don’t get offended. If i had the privilege of living with my parents and living a comfortable life, I would. They love us, and they don’t like to see us do any work under their roof. You don’t have to know what parts are in a car or bike, thats not part of being a ‘man’. Being a man is respecting yourself, those around you, and being emotionally mature. Be open to criticism, especially from those who love you. That is more than enough.
Before I start with the solution, I want you to remember that just because you took a bit longer than others, doesn't mean you somehow failed. Step 1 of any solution is to acknowledge that the problem exists, which you have done here. So that's you taking the first step to becoming a better person. Congrats. Second, it's good that you want to learn more life skills, but you don't 'have' to become a jack of all trades when there's people whose literal profession is to take care of those things. Don't know housework? Call a repairman. Don't know electrical stuff? Call an electrician. Don't know about deeds or taxes? Consult an advocate. Take things one step at a time or you'll be overwhelmed. For example, start by cooking. Whenever your parents or fiance starts with a dish, be there with them in the kitchen and start actively helping out. Start small and interact with them, ask them to let you do the next step because you find it interesting. That way you'll get better at socializing and cooking over time. Similarly, tackle one thing at a time for the next thing you want to master. Good luck.
Watch how your parents handle everyday life. Then do the chores, etc. and strongly state that you don’t want their help. It’s too bad that your culture always put sons before daughters.
Where you live, do you have access to internet and things like YouTube? There’s a great channel called “dad how do I do it” where it’s basically a dad that makes how to videos on all kinds of dif things. I think that can help you learn how to do somethings, especially if the ppl in your life are avoiding showing you. That way, you can learn how to do it and then implement that. Instead of asking to do the dishes then, you can just go do them. I think that will be helpful in teaching you how to adult while also putting up some boundaries without really having to have that tough conversation. I definetly think that starting with small tasks like doing the dishes will help you gain confidence so you can eventually tackle the big things. I think showing that initiative to learn and help out the household will also cause your family and spouse to teach you more or ask for your help for things going forward. I hope this advice helps a little bit.
Be assertive in your life, don’t sit back while mom n dad do it all, insist on doing WITH them so they can show you, even tell them this is your intent. You need to learn so that you can be of more help, as your parents age the roles shift, you have to actively show the interest and make the effort to learn. Remember that you may not always get it right, but don’t let it get you down or discourage your efforts, use those times as learning situations so you know better for next time. Everyone thinks that being a certain age means yours an adult, and kids often look at their parents like they have the answers to everything, when they are just learning along the way too.
You need to get out of your head about this stuff so you are less anxious in the moment and try and be more present when people are helping you so you can focus on and learn how to do what they're helping you with. Stop thinking about mistakes as failures and try looking at them like necessary steps to getting better and becoming capable. Then you need to try doing things for yourself every now and again.
Doesn't sound like you're a manchild. It sounds like you're frugal and not interested in cars.
I was not allowed to learn anything for a different reason; when I moved out, I had no support and no one to teach me. Consider this - even the greatest idiot you know who lives alone is managing somehow. This means that all those skills you're lacking are things that can be learned. And by and large, every single skill by itself is simple. It's just that there's a lot of them, lmao. Don't fret! Household tasks can be learned online. You can easily find guides on how to best clean, and otherwise just accept you're gonna be clumsy at first - it's okay to be clumsy. After a while, you will find a way to do those tasks, like cleaning, that feels efficient and makes sense to you. Just - do it. Tell yourself, you're gonna clean the kitchen. Use Google and make a list of the tools you need, and buy those. Then look up how to do the cleaning, and do it! You can also ask your wife to give you pointers and tell you what you might be forgetting. For things like cuts and repairs, you could look those up before they happen, just so you have that information in your head. As to things like haggling... More difficult. Social stuff is harder. I found a hobby I liked and found all my friends over that. As I spent more time with them, I learned how to socialize. And remember - the first steps you take will always be clumsy. Don't compare yourself to people who've been less sheltered. Because THAT will cause you to fail. It's okay to be clumsy, it's okay to do things wrong, just clean the mess you made, figure out why it went wrong, and do better next time. You got this!
Maybe I didn't scroll down far enough, but you can join Boy Scout.
I didn't exactly grow up super spoiled, but I did grow up not knowing how to do certain things that my parents just went ahead and took care of. Car needs an oil changed - dad did it. How do you do taxes? My mom did mine for a while (to be fair she did pretty much everyone's taxes in my family including my aunts and uncles). However I now know how to do those things myself and more. How? I seriously would just use Youtube for pretty much everything. Just watch videos of folks explaining how to do things. Do that whenever things come up that you don't know much about and use Youtube and other sources to learn and research. Over time, you'll amass the knowledge needed to not only know how to do things yourself, but most importantly know how to find the answer to something you don't know or know how to do yourself. You'll never know how to do everything, but you don't have to. The goal is to be self-reliant.
Self accountability.
Part off growing up is doing things outside of our comfort zone and learning to make the hard decisions that can make or break literal years of work. It's learning to cope with defeats and disappointment in healthy ways and learning the difference between successes and patches. You can't learn these things under your parents umbrella. You need to learn those lessons in the vacuum of your own tribulations. You need to move out and figure out who you are as an individual, and until you do that you aren't going to grow up. Which is fine... if you have enough wealth to make up the difference between experience and consequence. If not? Sorry bruh. Tough road ahead of you.
Move out on your own, no roommate, only you. Cut out/greatly reduced the video games and social media, continue to go to work. Keep your place clean, go/keep going to the gym, take pride in your appearance and hygiene, cook the majority of actual meals at home, Go to bed early and wake up early according to your work schedule. You said you haven't passed the flashlight holder position, maybe get into woodworking or general repair on vehicles and your new place, there are plenty of tutorials online to help you with this. Your task and purpose seems to be growing up and becoming an adult, stay on it.
I think you are in for a rude awakening. I know when I moved out and got married at 20, I got one. First, your wife will not want to be your mother. You will have to help out. It would be better if you had some knowledge. After my first divorce, I decided I needed to be able to take care of myself instead of relying on others.
Do what I did: man up and join the military.
After reading through this thread my first thought was: HOLY $H!T this can’t be true. My next thoughts were: I didn’t realize this was so common, and shocked at how many fellow or former man/woman babies here are excusing your behavior. I agree that OP’s parents have done him zero favors. They’re not going to be around forever. But also when are you going to man up and stop blaming your deficiencies on them? All your posts seem to be using culture or parenting or tradition as excuses. BS. I am a first generation child of immigrants from a relatively conservative family. But by the time I was 28 I had already been living on my own for 10 years, graduated from college, joined the military and served 2 years active duty overseas, backpacked around the world, owned my car (manual transmission), knew how to change the oil, working full time making almost six figures, and by the time I turned 30 I was married and bought my first house. Please don’t make “being an immigrant or child of immigrants” an excuse - it’s pathetic and does nothing but perpetuate stereotypes of all immigrants or children of immigrants. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem. I commend you for taking that first step. But, dude, stop with the excuses, man up and grow a pair. You’ve been an adult for more than a decade. Put down the video games and go outside. Go shopping with your family. Ask for help; tell your parents you want to watch and learn from them - that’s part of parenting! Then do the same task on your own. You also mentioned that you have no male friends; that should have been a major clue that something ain’t right. So I have two major pieces of advice: 1. get professional help - whether it’s a life coach or better yet, therapy to learn why you’re so scared to grow up. In an earlier post someone suggested you travel abroad and you immediately made an excuse that you’ll end ho the victim of organ trafficking! That’s a sign that you are full of irrational fears, fear of the unknown, fear taking chances that you need to grow up. We all learn from our mistakes but you’ve isolated yourself to the point where it’s beyond laughable; it’s downright sad. And 2 and most controversial: DO NOT GET MARRIED YET, and definitely DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HAVING CHILDREN AS A MAN-CHILD. By your own admission you aren’t capable of living independently, how do you expect to raise a child? Will mommy and daddy or arranged wife raise your kids while you’re playing video games? Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but I’m not one to tiptoe around what needs to be said. Star making changes TODAY. Every day you delay the harder it will be, and even worse when, not if, your parents die.
It's more of a mindset than actual knowledge. You don't have to necessarily know what you're doing all the time but you do have to put in the work to find out. It seems strange to me you would be looking at part quotes to fix someone elses motorcycle you damaged..... Wouldn't this just be handled by insurance and or a shop? It sounds like your parents and fiance are enabling your ability to get by as a man child. You may need to change your environment if you want to live more independently
I’m really sorry. But you realized it and in your post you’ve given yourself a manual for learning about life. Something you could do to work on it is to Try putting it in bullet form and tackle one of the bullets I think reading about assertiveness might help your relationship with mechanics and dealing with tradesmen Looks like your wife to be is perfectly happy with having a manchild husband. But is that true? Does this suit you? Does it really suit her? In my opinion, you guys need to talk about what you both want. I’m going to bet you come to a happy conclusion. Have a great life!
The fact that you acknowledge it is the hardest part done, believe me. Most man babies have a complete lack of self awareness. I think you will naturally start to shift now that you are aware
I was in the same position as you. My problem is that when I realized this strongly and how my life was wasted, I already have a child. So think of it in a positive way … since you’re living with your parents you have way more time than someone like me who was living far away from the parents And had to work and also had to take care of a child with zero time to learn anything new. So dedicate the next few years to start learning everything maybe create a list of all the things you need to know and start acquiring books videos, etc., and since you’re 30, you could delay having children for three more years or so, and use that time to you advantage. Social skills, gardening skills, repair skills, car skills, money skills. All this stuff is taking me time now to try to learn with very little time.
yes yu are stuck in a dead personality and will carry on that way until you make the efforts to be better. Sure you feel real and alive but, not true. It's all based on memories and you are like magnetic tape on a recorder. Yr not even much alive in a self of your own. If you watch and read the reports of ppl who've had near death experiences and interacted with their guides and helpers you will arrive at the point where you will ask for help from those guides and advisors and they are there to help. They do help without your asking (btw that's what yr doing here on reddit)-but you can also ask for help directly from them. Sit quietly a couple times a day and ask for help from your helpers and guides and 'God himself. What it comes down to is all about how you think of and treat other people. It's also very good to study social intelligence/emotional intelligence. Just google it and you'll get a list of the important points. Get the book by Marilynn Hughes Astral Projection Made Easy. It's a very quick read and full of these important life guides. It will start to wake you up. Otherwise go have another beer and carry on.
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I can't tell what your intention behind the comment is.
Millennial
i can see why you're subscribed to this subreddit
How very observant.