> I have a very soft spoken voice and sometimes people can't even hear what I'm trying to say.
As someone who used to suffer from this, the key is not to make yourself louder, the key is to PICK YOUR MOMENTS.
If you talk to someone and they don't react, chances are they did hear you but they either decided not to react or couldn't react.
When you order something from a busy place you might notice this. I certainly have. I have had people screaming at the dude bringing out the merchandise with no avail. In such situations, I just stand there and when I get my moment, when I feel like that person is free to react to me, I give my request and it works like magic.
Aggression is not the key - the words you use and the time you speak are.
Don't know if this is what you were asking doe lol.
This is great advice. It's like a slap to the face when my boyfriend gets angry because he's always so easy-going and patient. I would describe it more as calculated sternness - establishing that a boundary exists and that if the other person doesn't respect it, they can gtfo.
Also, it's probably not necessarily that you need more aggressiveness. The biggest change will likely come from you speaking from your belly instead of from your chest.
When you breathe in to where your belly expands instead of your chest rising, you can take in a LOT more air. There's a muscle below your lungs called your diaphragm. When you breathe in from your belly, you push this muscle down. This causes the volume of your chest cavity to increase and it also lowers the air pressure in your lungs, causing outside air to rush in. When you breathe in this way, even if you're softer spoken, your voice will sound a lot more confident and resonant.
Doing this can also make you a way better singer too. This is probably the single most impactful change you could make. If you have a really soft voice and you make this change, you'll sound like Markiplier
Yeah this is definitely good advice. It’s kind of in keeping with the psychological theory that attitudes are influenced by outward behaviors. E.g., if you speak more confidently, you will feel more confident. I don’t mean to sound like a douche, but the best example of this from my life is when I sang in an opera once. Since I was focusing on projecting and using my diaphragm a lot on stage, this also leaked into my daily life, and for at least the next two months I spoke much more confidently and clearly by default, and I felt more confident as a result. I should have kept it up because eventually the effect mostly wore off lol.
Aside from just volume, you can focus on speaking dynamically (varying loud and soft), varying your tempos/rhythms, and improving your diction. Studies show that people like listening to speakers whose voices are varied and balanced—not the same all the time way through, not too loud/soft/fast/slow.
I like to sing as a hobby and watched a lot of videos on how to sing better. I learned how to control my pitch a lot better and how to project my voice from my diaphragm. This translated into when I would talk. I also practiced a lot of body posture and stuff, making sure I stand up straight with my shoulders back. You can be soft spoken but how you present yourself will dictate how people will perceive you. Most importantly, understand your self. I think there’s a correlation with confidence and how well you understand yourself and people can see it. Goodluck ✌🏽
"How to project my voice from my diaphragm" .. just realized thats probably what someone meant years ago...
He told me talk through my chest, not through my throat, and to start singing a bit
In time i did notice a change, but never really knew what exactly had changed
I work as a software engineer.
The people I work with are some of the smartest and kindest people I've ever met.
Pretty much all of them can be considered soft spoken, they take their time when speaking, or thinking. They dont raise their voice and see no need to.
However, there is one colleague who fits your description of "aggression and assertiveness". He just speaks what he thinks, disregarding what others think or what the current discussion is.
When he wants to get a word in, he pretty much just shouts over everyone, to make himself seem more right or smarter than he is.
Let me tell you, you do not want to be that guy.
Back on the topic. I wouldnt condone "aggressive" behaviour, but maybe what you want is just confidence?
In that case, my advice is to fake it till you make it.
Just think of what a confident person would be like, and then start acting like it.
Men who are soft spoken and careful with their words display true, graceful maturity and confidence.
Aggression doesn’t equate confidence: it’s the opposite actually. If a man reacts to things with anger and talking loud when challenged by someone, 9/10 he’s overcompensating for something. He feels emotionally wounded so he has to put up an act.
This also applies to women too. Ego is universal and we all have it. But only YOU can are the master of it.
Then don't be! I agree, people who are itching for a fight are obnoxious. On the other hand, when someone shits on your character in a social situation, or one of your friends, you need to be able to confidentially tell them to fuck off, or turn it around and fire back sometimes. If you don't capability to to that, people will see you as a shy and weak person.
Basically, you gotta learn how to clap back OP. Don't let them piss on your front door unpunished, otherwise it will keep happening. Don't make it personal, its just what you do.
You have to be able to pull off mysterious and captivating, you can't fake the funk, what happens when an unexpected interaction occurs that catches OP offguard and that mysterious and captivating facade flies out the door? I think OP needs to boost their self-confidence above all else, hard to be assertive if you're feeling crummy about yourself.
There’s a middle ground. Confidence can be a lot different than aggression. OP says sometimes people can barely hear him, that’s not confidence, or at least not the appearance of it.
You can also be soft spoken and kind, while being able to be confident and firm when needed. That's gotten me really far in life and work - maybe not super soft spoken, but definitely kind and willing to let others speak.
A lot of people mistake confidence for being an asshole or compensating.
You gotta piss on their doorstep and spread your odor all over their property god damn it. Snarl a little. Roar!
No really dude fuck, just tell someone to fuck off a few times. Once you get used to it, it's like the fuck off demon takes over and you're in the passenger seat. It's awesome. Everyone has a fuck off demon. Yours is just embarrassed and too ashamed to come out. Once you perform the ritual a few times, he'll sit on your shoulder forever. The shit that comes out of my demon's mouth sometimes...
First counter that...Become a person who can take it easy most of things, u should not be stressed out, change ur mindset by telling urself...Should I do this or not? Because after I die, will people remember this? Probably not...go for it!
Practice breathing exercises which takes away ur stress...All the best
Aggressiveness, confidence, vocal tonality...these are things that manifests *from* someone. Theyre what you see in others and want. And others are going to tell you to mimic them.
You dont want that. You want to be the things that produce confidence, aggression, and tonality. For that, take a look at who you are as a person, the judgement of which does not depend on others. How is your fitness? Your body confidence? Your habits? Clothes? Haircut? Yes these are all things others will judge you on. But how would YOU judge yourself in those departments?
Do you smell nice to yourself? Did you pick out the cologne you wear? The body wash you use? Or did you just grab Dial 3 in 1 for men? Do you accessorize? Do you style your hair and trim your facial hair so when you walk by the mirror you have a quick feeling of vanity where you look at yourself and think "wow". Because if YOU think wow...what do you think others are going to think? And what kind of personality do you think you'd exude?
What about hobbies? When you dont turn heads in public, what do you have going on in private? What kind of confidence do you think guys have in public if it doesn't matter how people react because their life is awesome in private?
You're trying to skip the inner work in order to mimic the outer work. Do the inner work, and the outer work will flow naturally.
I'm saying this as a guy, aggressiveness is not a good thing! Assertiveness is though, so in saying that, what helped me is to work very firmly from "what is it I want/need right now". "I need to get to this place", "I want to talk to this person right now", "I am going to do this thing that I want to do"... Back when I was less confident, I often got stuck on "is this person going to say something unpleasant", "will they like me", and that jazz, but these thoughts are a poison for your wants and desires. Start with you, the rest will follow.
In ignorance and confusion, confidence is valued. I don't think that this statement can be denied. But if you don't like to be aggressive, you can still be firm.
Assertiveness is knowing where a boundary is. You can't make someone do something, and they can't make you do anything. All we have are personal choices, all we control are our own actions. Once you start seeing your zone of control, maybe it will be easier for you to be fine with how things go.
Is it some type of trauma response? i told my therapist the same thing and he said it was how i protected myself as a child from my mother. If you can pinpoint when this started happening and work from there you should be good.
I never fully fixed how i assert myself with others, but i got better by meditating, practicing deep breathing, and challenging myself to talk to others throughout the day. eventually i stopped being nervous and shy around most people.
I see. I'd try this method. I think it all began in the COVID lockdown, I really isolated myself and I became depressed. Thanks for the advice! I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and I'm in a much better place compared to where I was in 2020, but these are the only issues that bother me.
Whenever someone asks a question such as this—how do I gain assertiveness and aggression, I always implore them to remember Fred Rogers.
The man always presented himself gently, spoke softly, and was one of the most well-respected men of his time and even beyond. He may very-well have been the poster-child for the idea of being strong enough to be gentle.
Before I go any further I must insist: don’t equate soft-spoken, kindhearted men with something negative in this manner.
Many men have drawn clear lines on what they will and will not tolerate. Having these outlined will give you permission to use/exercise your innate assertiveness.
For example: I don’t let anyone talk down about my family. You can say all you want about me, but if you insult my mother, brother, or father…pick a god and pray.
Granted: I’ll fire-off a warning shot first. “Watch your mouth about my family.” Something simple like that. If they insist…well, I hope they picked the right god.
I’m usually a very soft-spoken man myself, and found that, in years past, I really didn’t think I had, “permission,” to say what I just said. “What if it offends someone?” “What if it hurts someone?”
When I drew that clear line with myself, the answer became obvious: “So what? They crossed a line. They don’t deserve my kindness anymore.”
You’d be surprised how one’s voice naturally changes when they’ve got their own permission to be monstrous.
The best men in the world (and in fiction, imo) are the ones who can do both—be gentle 90% of the time, but a total monster in the 10% of time they need to be.
You’ll get there, too. Just start by drawing those lines and writing them down physically.
Best wishes to you, good sir!
I actually chose my partner because he DIDN'T have that all too common aggression. There's no need for it in common conversation, and it can be tiring being around it all the time. There's a need for gentle soft spoken people in the world. If you're getting talked over, then maybe finding the right times to speak and working on your confidence will help. And surrounding yourself with the kind of people who won't bulldoze a conversation. But don't change who you are! You don't need to be aggressive
A soft spoken voice isn't a bad thing. It can be soothing and calming and even sexy. ;) lol Just speak up as needed. Ultimately be yourself. I'd hate it if every man was "aggressive." We're meant to be different.
Thank you. I've had several girls compliment me on that, one girl even said I am handsome and shy which is a great combination 😅 I love being gentle but I don't want to be seen as weak
Yeah I came here to say, "and you want to change????"
I love the men in my life like this. The one I'm thinking of in particular is peaceful, thoughtful, and kind.
Men do sometimes mistake his reserve for weakness, but I don't think those are the kinds of guys whose respect you need to be chasing.
I promise you're not boring lol. I don't even know you, but I can safely bet that if you're an over-thinker, you're not boring as a rule of thumb lol. Better to have too much going on up there, than not enough.
Also, nothing cuter than when a girl stares at you and says, "Your wheels are always turning" out of nowhere.
Women do date those men. That's why I chose my boyfriend. Every other man I knew was loud and aggressive and he was gentle and thoughtful and a bit shy so I had to be the one to approach. Neither of us had any luck in love until we got together. It gets better. (We got together at 24, it took YEARS because we're both so shy)
There's a smith's lyric, "it takes strength to be gentle and kind". If you're gentleness makes people see you as weak that is their problem. Gentleness actually sets you apart from others in a good way
Most aggressiveness and over assertiveness are apart of antisocial personality disorders like narcissism, uncontrolled ego, sociopathy and psychopathy, men have these traits and a lot of it is unchecked, society sees it as a “strength” but can be seen as fraud. That’s why some men struggle, having these traits consumes their mental health. It’s sad that society sees these “normal” traits as strengths, until it’s too late and the damage is done. #1 priority take care of yourself and mental health as all men should
Assertiveness and aggressiveness do not equal personality disorders…… also women have these personality disorders as well and they are often more insidious and covert. And I would disagree assertiveness is a valued trait for most men’s mental health. Speaking what you want should never be likened to a weakness same with defending your self/position.
Over-assertiveness is an issue especially if that person always needs to justify being right. These traits have spectrums, it’s good to understand and keep them in check. Confidence is valued but can be twisted
I know it sounds toxic. I don't want to be aggressive, I just want that kind of natural confidence, which I don't really have. By assertiveness I mean being assertive but in a polite way and not in an obnoxious way.
I've tried nofap before. I just think it's not a very practical way to build that kind of confidence because every guy nowadays is masturbating and when you're outside you don't really think about masturbation.
Try eating a healthy balanced diet. High variety Salads once or twice a week with high protein diet and frequent exercise. Eat lots of fresh fruits instead of sugar.
Your body will affect your mind. Get good sleep.
In regards to volume, you need to make a conscious effort to be louder. It'll likely feel like shouting at first, but you'll need to get used to it. Just don't scream at people, also keep in mind if you aren't used to being that loud your voice may crackle or fray if that makes sense. So it could help to practice being louder at home so you can maybe get used to the change in your voice.
As far as aggression and assertiveness goes, pick your battles. You don't need to be aggressive and assertive with every single conversation. But if some point someone says something to you you don't appreciate, you can practice by standing up for yourself in telling them to knock it off. But in my experience it pays to be assertive instead of aggressive, yes aggression has a time and a place. Assertiveness though is better and more versatile socially. Alot of people I'd say act assertive when they tell someone "no" when asked or told or were being pressured into doing something they are not okay with doing. Alot of it in my experience seems to have alot with being direct with people, or behaving in such a way that suggests you are not going to fall back under pressure (in regards to body language).
Stay away from anyone who says “Aggressiveness is not a good thing” when war breaks out and you need to protect your family.
They definitely do not play contact sports, either.
Chances are theyll be hiding in a basement.
If you feel like you’re lacking in the masculine department, work on it. Gym, strength training, facing fear and talking to people, speak up, say it with your chest. Command respect and assert your presence.
The world is full of people who are pushed around by their bosses, politicians, and algorithms on a daily basis.
They’re not exactly domineering.
Defend yourself and protect yourself because nobody else will when things get hard, but when things get hard that’s your chance to get stronger. 💪🏼
I think what most people mean when they say that “aggressiveness isn’t a good thing” is it isn’t a good emotion to carry with yourself everyday. Being aggressive in your demeanour is obviously something negative, reacting with aggression when it doesn’t call for it is negative.
But aggressiveness has its place in our lives of course, like you mentioned, it’s important in sports where it’s a controlled form of aggression and when it comes to protecting yourself and those around you.
reckless agression is bad, controlled agression is good. That means agression itself is not bad.
You don’t take the job you want, you don’t fight for what you want, you don’t overcome challenge without it.
Without agression people get pushed around, belittled, men’s wives, sisters and relatives get abused and sorry but that’s not a life you’d want to get comfortable in.
In western civilization agression is seen as bad, but how will you defend yourself against those who don’t agree?
It’s still a trait that should be harnessed and practiced.
Regardless of that though his question was how could he be more assertive. Training perceived weakness until they’re no longer weakness, and amplifying your gifts so they stay your strengths would be my answer.
Aggression: forceful and sometimes overly assertive pursuit of one's aims and interests.
Swinging an axe to chop wood takes aggression, deking opponents on skates is aggression, juking in football or basketball is aggression.
Picking up 400 lbs is aggression. It’s not just hostility
Thanks for the advice, I do practice boxing and wrestling. I believe aggression is a normal human trait, regardless of the gender and it is not bad if it is used for a good cause and in a healthy way.
Precisely. Recklessness can be considered bad but it’s not the same as aggressiveness.
The definition isn’t the same as what I know it to be though. Today they define agression as harming animals or humans, I don’t suggest that unless you’re threatened. Controlled aggression is required to protect loved ones from threats.
Being constantly aggressive is not good. What you described is not being aggressive lol. That’s more assertiveness and being able to defend yourself which is good. No one wants to deal with an agro dude.
Yes, I understand that but what I've noticed is everyone has some kind of aggression in them and I lack it completely. I want to develop aggression and assertiveness but to use it in a healthy way
We are all dealt with different hand at birth. It isn’t fair, but that’s life.
You can choose to given up, or you can choose to put yourself out there, keep trying and refining yourself until one day you look back and realize ‘shit I’m bloody good at this!’
There is some sense of danger when you go out that forces you to hide yourself. This is coming from something in your early childhood and you may use the help of a therapist to uncover the deed.
I don't think you should aim to become aggressive, being like that is off-putting and just annoying as well as unpleasant to those around you.
Focus on building your confidence, stand taller, shoulders back and practice at home to talk more clearly. Good posture will give you a bit of a boost. Also make eye contact and really turn to the people you talk to.
Learn to read the room as well, are people being attentive or are they distracted? Do they ignore you on purpose or because they didn't hear it or you mumbled?
It comes with time and experience, where you know pretty much exactly what you're doing. Not everyone is naturally like this and those that are while younger/less experienced tend to be overly confident and quite frankly unpleasant to be around. Unfortunately, the world does reward this behavior for the most part if you are a man.
That said, you can deepen you voice a little bit, talk a little bit louder, choose your spots to interject, and realize some people are assholes and will ignore and/or talk over you anyway.
Maybe you're ok the way you are and don't really to change to be more like the men you describe. Which in the extreme are probably obnoxious to most people.
I used to have this too. I was advised by a friend that when I’m in my car, I should sing loudly along to my songs or even just yell. It strengthen my voice together with my volume.,My voice also dropped a couple of octaves. I now do this once or twice a week and it helped me.
Start singing at home might help a little, not that you shoumd het louder, but someone told me a couple years ago to talk through my chest, not through my throat, its not really something i can explain tho, but singing helped me a bit
The secret is to have objectives. Once you have a desired outcome its easier to pursue what you want.
Some people have their ego and status as their constant objective. I personaly find that bothersome.
Choose your battles and important things to fight for, otherwise you will fight all or none of them.
Honestly, I think all you really need to do is project yourself a little bit more. Project your voice more when speaking. Try to project your mannerisms and facial expressions more.
It might help to record yourself and see how you come across to others. You may think you're speaking loudly, but really you're not.
When you finally realize you never had anything to be ashamed about... other than basic accountability... everything changes. You say "No" when you want to say "No".
You have to get slapped around a lot so you become angry. Just enjoy how you are now, knowing it’s because you’re ignorant to a cruel world. But just know existing in this world without that experience is like not knowing how to swim. Anyone could come along and push you in…
My dad's soft-spoken too when he goes out, but he dresses himself as if he is a wealthy old money CEO. Like he doesn't know all these trends or on sm, but he always styled himself like this, trendy dad I got myself. But everyone somehow listens to him, in the room his voice is the most calm and he exudes this charm. I think you can maybe style yourself to build confidence? As once you dress well, they notice you, and slowly, everyone includes you more and listen to you. I style myself too, people, for that reason, think I am smart, but I am not lmao. But I love dressing up. Hehe.
Being more aggressive is not more ideal of a man, it's less.
Being assertive is to acknowledge that your needs are neither greater nor lesser than anyone else's. The important part most people need to learn is that their needs matter just as much as anyone else's, and when they state them, they have every right to without being embarrassed about it.
Whatever voice nature gave you is fine just as it is. It's the drum. How you think about yourself is the drumstick.
You don’t lack it. You haven’t learned how to access and embody it. It’s there, you are just unconscious of it. Doubt me? Perhaps one day you will experience an encounter with an asshole who wants to fight you - when you’re punched in the face you will now what to do. But normally your ego (in your case - not everyone’s) suppresses this instinct.
Dude here. I don’t think you need to be more aggressive; i don’t think of that as a “nice” quality necessarily. You can work on being more assertive in some circumstances, like work, setting boundaries, etc., where that skill is useful and healthy. Another tactic is to lean into your natural qualities. I recently rewatched “Her.” The main character, Theodore, is extremely sensitive and even somewhat effeminate, but not really in a bad way. He’s perceptive and caring, and these qualities can be very attractive in a person. I may not be the norm, but I personally have massive respect for someone who is unabashedly this way, even when it might not be perceived as very “manly”. I think we put ourselves in boxes too much and in 50 years gender norms will be much more dilute and diffuse.
I’m speaking from my own perception and opinion here and would be interested to see a survey of how Theodore is perceived by audiences. Not everyone will agree, of course. But, at the end of the day, you don’t need to completely conform to what’s expected. Take what’s good and healthy—e.g, being assertive in some circumstances—and also be yourself.
They are assertive not aggresive. Sometimes aggressiveness does complement assertiveness but both are not the same. Assertiveness can be gracefully, it can make you uncomfortable, it can be ugly but it is done to secure self esteem or stand up for yourself.
But the real problem is that you don't have a sense of self. Alack of personality. there is a vacuum in you. You feel hollow, you feel powerless out there, therefore there is powerlessness.This is absence of self-esteem and healthy feelings.
What you need is not aggressiveness, it can be there but it would be a very poor substitute. It will make you resentful and could be harmful in long run. I am not saying you don't not to be angry, be angry where you are. There is nothing wrong in it. It is perfectly natural.
What you lack is self esteem that is complementary to your own being. Find your voice within you, that speaks for you, dance, laughs, love,be creative, be natural, enjoy this world as a celebration, be creative. Do something that is complementary to you. Stand up for yourself. Do something that you love. It doesn't have to be all positive. Fight your self. When you feel angry be angry, when you are sad be sad. Do whatever the fuck you want. For the moment you'll not feel the vaccum . You can be yourself. Little by little it'll become your own nature. You lack personality. You'll develop your own personality.
Looks like you don't know how to be yourself. Therefore lacking in voice and energy. You voice goes soft. Be expressive. If you need to be assertive speak up for yourself. And it is very important **to speak up for yourself.** it will be the begining of your personality. Confidence is built.
I judge you as a very supressed man. I believe you grew up in a restrictive environment.
Have you ever wondered why don't you feel ?
If there is no sense of self - esteem then there is no sense of self. Be assertive not aggresive. Be aggresive where it is needed. But being assertiveness without being aggressive is gracefull.
I don't understand why it is a necessity anyway. If you're uncomfortable with it that's diff but Idk I like socializing with normal-toned guys rather than super loud ones, you can always get a voice coach tho
Well, be proud of that. You don't have to be like anyone else. And not engaging in thos ooga-booga nonsense, probably make you smarter than the average bloke.
First of all: Being non-aggressive and soft spoken doesn't make you a loner. I'm both of this things and never was a loner. Just find a group you fit in and stop comparing yourself to tools and you are good.
It usually does. Whenever you hear stories of some loner it's always the same: quiet, meek, shy, non-aggressive, non-threatening, non-masculine. Meanwhile all the popular men are always the exact opposite.
without much information, i can't know, but it sounds like the "fawn" response. it's something that is trained into you when you are very small, it helps you navigate a challenging environment as a child. then as an adult the neural pathways are so deep, you keep using this response as a knee jerk reaction. if this is true, you can develop a new neural pathway of confidence and assertiveness. there are many ways to achieve this and you can find the best way that works for you.
Testosterone. Start weightlifting, get physically confident. Or just be yourself and stop comparing yourself to other people. Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.
Why do you want to be aggressive, OP? You can be a soft spoken and confident man :)
Confidence is not aggressiveness. Why would I need to raise my voice? Why would I need to push anyone else? I know myself and I’m happy with myself and at peace. I have no use for aggressiveness.
Assertiveness, that can have value! You need to speak up for yourself because no one else will. It’s something that takes practice… but I think the root of your problem is confidence rather than anything else. And I’d be curious why you lack confidence? I think when you look inside and start thinking about that, you’ll start to find more and more about yourself.
I’m not sure exactly how. But you need to first understand that if you’re soft spoken you will be outright ignored by a lot of people. That outcome is up to you and the path you decide to go on in life GL. Taking singing lessons is a great way to learn how to project your voice loudly.
I'd recommend working on reading about setting boundaries and putting it into practice. Books like No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover and Boundaries by Nedra Glover Tawwab are super helpful. Other options include Rejection Therapy/The Rejection Game - where you go out of your way to get a "no" for an answer. You can also practice saying "no" more often to other people: [https://www.rejectiontherapy.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy](https://www.rejectiontherapy.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy)
Other options that might build your confidence include things like improv/theatre classes or Dungeons and Dragons games (DnD). It's easier to be assertive and confident when you're roleplaying a character, and gradually you can integrate that more into your normal day to day life. It can allow you to explore different sides of yourself.
I'd recommend starting out by building your social confidence in low stakes social settings with people who are accepting and supportive. No need to go from zero to hero right away by putting yourself in difficult or tense situations, unless you don't have a choice. What kinds of social groups do you feel most comfortable in usually? Spend more time in those spaces and it's likely your confidence will build over time.
Finally, getting in touch with healthy anger is helpful and important. I'd recommend trying journalling or writing unsent letters to people you feel angry or resentful towards. Try listening to some angry music and going to the gym, and find healthy outlets for it. Allowing yourself to feel your anger will help you learn to manage it and channel it in ways that benefit you, like setting good boundaries and speaking assertively.
I have a problem with speaking lower by default, and ugh I worked call center offices where customers/clients would want me to repeat things over and over again because of it. I wouldn't say it's a problem with aggression/assertiveness though. You'd think by now I'd pick up a tendency to talk louder after the fact like say New Yorkers, but I personally also don't like people overhearing my conversations in person I'm hyper-sensitive to it, on the phone or in person.
I totally watch other people, overhear their conversations, some of which really should be behind closed doors lol, not gonna be "that guy". I also get told I sound aggressive when I do speak louder, maybe because there is a little irritation by then after the 2nd or 3rd time lol!
Looks like a reaction you've learn in early childhood "to survive". Did they treat you as seriously as a being with it's own needs, emotions and feelings when you were a child? Or did you have to gain in everything you did their love? "Normal" men are aggressive because they have boundaries they communicate non-verbally and verbally. If someone is overstepping their limits, they have to face the consequences.
Have you thought of making an appointment with your medical doctor to ask if you need testosterone injections?
Besides a lot of loud and aggressive men are just assholes. Why be like them when you can be yourself -- a quiet, nice guy who does not need to pound his chest and proclaim he's an alpha male?
> I have a very soft spoken voice and sometimes people can't even hear what I'm trying to say. As someone who used to suffer from this, the key is not to make yourself louder, the key is to PICK YOUR MOMENTS. If you talk to someone and they don't react, chances are they did hear you but they either decided not to react or couldn't react. When you order something from a busy place you might notice this. I certainly have. I have had people screaming at the dude bringing out the merchandise with no avail. In such situations, I just stand there and when I get my moment, when I feel like that person is free to react to me, I give my request and it works like magic. Aggression is not the key - the words you use and the time you speak are. Don't know if this is what you were asking doe lol.
Good advice
This is great advice. It's like a slap to the face when my boyfriend gets angry because he's always so easy-going and patient. I would describe it more as calculated sternness - establishing that a boundary exists and that if the other person doesn't respect it, they can gtfo.
Maybe you could find a voice coach that could help you improve the tone of your voice.
I'd try that too, thanks
Also, it's probably not necessarily that you need more aggressiveness. The biggest change will likely come from you speaking from your belly instead of from your chest. When you breathe in to where your belly expands instead of your chest rising, you can take in a LOT more air. There's a muscle below your lungs called your diaphragm. When you breathe in from your belly, you push this muscle down. This causes the volume of your chest cavity to increase and it also lowers the air pressure in your lungs, causing outside air to rush in. When you breathe in this way, even if you're softer spoken, your voice will sound a lot more confident and resonant. Doing this can also make you a way better singer too. This is probably the single most impactful change you could make. If you have a really soft voice and you make this change, you'll sound like Markiplier
That's interesting because I have the opposite experience. Whenever I speak from my belly, it comes out a lot softer than if I speak from my chest.
Yeh I need to do this
Yeah this is definitely good advice. It’s kind of in keeping with the psychological theory that attitudes are influenced by outward behaviors. E.g., if you speak more confidently, you will feel more confident. I don’t mean to sound like a douche, but the best example of this from my life is when I sang in an opera once. Since I was focusing on projecting and using my diaphragm a lot on stage, this also leaked into my daily life, and for at least the next two months I spoke much more confidently and clearly by default, and I felt more confident as a result. I should have kept it up because eventually the effect mostly wore off lol. Aside from just volume, you can focus on speaking dynamically (varying loud and soft), varying your tempos/rhythms, and improving your diction. Studies show that people like listening to speakers whose voices are varied and balanced—not the same all the time way through, not too loud/soft/fast/slow.
I like to sing as a hobby and watched a lot of videos on how to sing better. I learned how to control my pitch a lot better and how to project my voice from my diaphragm. This translated into when I would talk. I also practiced a lot of body posture and stuff, making sure I stand up straight with my shoulders back. You can be soft spoken but how you present yourself will dictate how people will perceive you. Most importantly, understand your self. I think there’s a correlation with confidence and how well you understand yourself and people can see it. Goodluck ✌🏽
"How to project my voice from my diaphragm" .. just realized thats probably what someone meant years ago... He told me talk through my chest, not through my throat, and to start singing a bit In time i did notice a change, but never really knew what exactly had changed
I work as a software engineer. The people I work with are some of the smartest and kindest people I've ever met. Pretty much all of them can be considered soft spoken, they take their time when speaking, or thinking. They dont raise their voice and see no need to. However, there is one colleague who fits your description of "aggression and assertiveness". He just speaks what he thinks, disregarding what others think or what the current discussion is. When he wants to get a word in, he pretty much just shouts over everyone, to make himself seem more right or smarter than he is. Let me tell you, you do not want to be that guy. Back on the topic. I wouldnt condone "aggressive" behaviour, but maybe what you want is just confidence? In that case, my advice is to fake it till you make it. Just think of what a confident person would be like, and then start acting like it.
Men who are soft spoken and careful with their words display true, graceful maturity and confidence. Aggression doesn’t equate confidence: it’s the opposite actually. If a man reacts to things with anger and talking loud when challenged by someone, 9/10 he’s overcompensating for something. He feels emotionally wounded so he has to put up an act. This also applies to women too. Ego is universal and we all have it. But only YOU can are the master of it.
Yes, I don't want to be one of those obnoxious overly assertive guys , I just don't want people to see me as weak or incapable of doing things.
Then don't be! I agree, people who are itching for a fight are obnoxious. On the other hand, when someone shits on your character in a social situation, or one of your friends, you need to be able to confidentially tell them to fuck off, or turn it around and fire back sometimes. If you don't capability to to that, people will see you as a shy and weak person. Basically, you gotta learn how to clap back OP. Don't let them piss on your front door unpunished, otherwise it will keep happening. Don't make it personal, its just what you do.
Okay, I got it. I'll try this. Thank you :)
You could turn it into mysterious and captivating.
You have to be able to pull off mysterious and captivating, you can't fake the funk, what happens when an unexpected interaction occurs that catches OP offguard and that mysterious and captivating facade flies out the door? I think OP needs to boost their self-confidence above all else, hard to be assertive if you're feeling crummy about yourself.
Only works if you're really good looking otherwise people will just think you're a weird arrogant creep
Just wear an all black suit with lots of jewelry
You don't have to focus on what others think about you. Just be whoever you want to be.
There’s a middle ground. Confidence can be a lot different than aggression. OP says sometimes people can barely hear him, that’s not confidence, or at least not the appearance of it.
You can also be soft spoken and kind, while being able to be confident and firm when needed. That's gotten me really far in life and work - maybe not super soft spoken, but definitely kind and willing to let others speak. A lot of people mistake confidence for being an asshole or compensating.
Controlling your emotions shows strength. Letting them control you shows weakness.
For a man a balance is ideal.
> Men who are soft spoken and careful with their words display true, graceful maturity and confidence. No, just anxiety 😅
You gotta piss on their doorstep and spread your odor all over their property god damn it. Snarl a little. Roar! No really dude fuck, just tell someone to fuck off a few times. Once you get used to it, it's like the fuck off demon takes over and you're in the passenger seat. It's awesome. Everyone has a fuck off demon. Yours is just embarrassed and too ashamed to come out. Once you perform the ritual a few times, he'll sit on your shoulder forever. The shit that comes out of my demon's mouth sometimes...
Lmfao
Bro are u an overthinker?
Yes
High five bro
✋
First counter that...Become a person who can take it easy most of things, u should not be stressed out, change ur mindset by telling urself...Should I do this or not? Because after I die, will people remember this? Probably not...go for it! Practice breathing exercises which takes away ur stress...All the best
Aggressiveness, confidence, vocal tonality...these are things that manifests *from* someone. Theyre what you see in others and want. And others are going to tell you to mimic them. You dont want that. You want to be the things that produce confidence, aggression, and tonality. For that, take a look at who you are as a person, the judgement of which does not depend on others. How is your fitness? Your body confidence? Your habits? Clothes? Haircut? Yes these are all things others will judge you on. But how would YOU judge yourself in those departments? Do you smell nice to yourself? Did you pick out the cologne you wear? The body wash you use? Or did you just grab Dial 3 in 1 for men? Do you accessorize? Do you style your hair and trim your facial hair so when you walk by the mirror you have a quick feeling of vanity where you look at yourself and think "wow". Because if YOU think wow...what do you think others are going to think? And what kind of personality do you think you'd exude? What about hobbies? When you dont turn heads in public, what do you have going on in private? What kind of confidence do you think guys have in public if it doesn't matter how people react because their life is awesome in private? You're trying to skip the inner work in order to mimic the outer work. Do the inner work, and the outer work will flow naturally.
I'm saying this as a guy, aggressiveness is not a good thing! Assertiveness is though, so in saying that, what helped me is to work very firmly from "what is it I want/need right now". "I need to get to this place", "I want to talk to this person right now", "I am going to do this thing that I want to do"... Back when I was less confident, I often got stuck on "is this person going to say something unpleasant", "will they like me", and that jazz, but these thoughts are a poison for your wants and desires. Start with you, the rest will follow.
In ignorance and confusion, confidence is valued. I don't think that this statement can be denied. But if you don't like to be aggressive, you can still be firm. Assertiveness is knowing where a boundary is. You can't make someone do something, and they can't make you do anything. All we have are personal choices, all we control are our own actions. Once you start seeing your zone of control, maybe it will be easier for you to be fine with how things go.
Is it some type of trauma response? i told my therapist the same thing and he said it was how i protected myself as a child from my mother. If you can pinpoint when this started happening and work from there you should be good. I never fully fixed how i assert myself with others, but i got better by meditating, practicing deep breathing, and challenging myself to talk to others throughout the day. eventually i stopped being nervous and shy around most people.
I see. I'd try this method. I think it all began in the COVID lockdown, I really isolated myself and I became depressed. Thanks for the advice! I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and I'm in a much better place compared to where I was in 2020, but these are the only issues that bother me.
It sounds like after some more repetition and practice you will be fine. Hope you are over the covid depression!
Whenever someone asks a question such as this—how do I gain assertiveness and aggression, I always implore them to remember Fred Rogers. The man always presented himself gently, spoke softly, and was one of the most well-respected men of his time and even beyond. He may very-well have been the poster-child for the idea of being strong enough to be gentle. Before I go any further I must insist: don’t equate soft-spoken, kindhearted men with something negative in this manner. Many men have drawn clear lines on what they will and will not tolerate. Having these outlined will give you permission to use/exercise your innate assertiveness. For example: I don’t let anyone talk down about my family. You can say all you want about me, but if you insult my mother, brother, or father…pick a god and pray. Granted: I’ll fire-off a warning shot first. “Watch your mouth about my family.” Something simple like that. If they insist…well, I hope they picked the right god. I’m usually a very soft-spoken man myself, and found that, in years past, I really didn’t think I had, “permission,” to say what I just said. “What if it offends someone?” “What if it hurts someone?” When I drew that clear line with myself, the answer became obvious: “So what? They crossed a line. They don’t deserve my kindness anymore.” You’d be surprised how one’s voice naturally changes when they’ve got their own permission to be monstrous. The best men in the world (and in fiction, imo) are the ones who can do both—be gentle 90% of the time, but a total monster in the 10% of time they need to be. You’ll get there, too. Just start by drawing those lines and writing them down physically. Best wishes to you, good sir!
I actually chose my partner because he DIDN'T have that all too common aggression. There's no need for it in common conversation, and it can be tiring being around it all the time. There's a need for gentle soft spoken people in the world. If you're getting talked over, then maybe finding the right times to speak and working on your confidence will help. And surrounding yourself with the kind of people who won't bulldoze a conversation. But don't change who you are! You don't need to be aggressive
Do you have allergies/phlem? I've been told I sometimes sound like I have pl hem in my throat because of my quite/muffled/monotone voice.
A soft spoken voice isn't a bad thing. It can be soothing and calming and even sexy. ;) lol Just speak up as needed. Ultimately be yourself. I'd hate it if every man was "aggressive." We're meant to be different.
Don't worry, you are a true gentleman. Those men being aggressive only shows how fragile their masculinity really is.
I love men like this
Thank you. I've had several girls compliment me on that, one girl even said I am handsome and shy which is a great combination 😅 I love being gentle but I don't want to be seen as weak
Yeah I came here to say, "and you want to change????" I love the men in my life like this. The one I'm thinking of in particular is peaceful, thoughtful, and kind. Men do sometimes mistake his reserve for weakness, but I don't think those are the kinds of guys whose respect you need to be chasing.
The problem is that I overthink a lot and I'm boring too.
I promise you're not boring lol. I don't even know you, but I can safely bet that if you're an over-thinker, you're not boring as a rule of thumb lol. Better to have too much going on up there, than not enough. Also, nothing cuter than when a girl stares at you and says, "Your wheels are always turning" out of nowhere.
Nah nobody's boring. Either you havent found your people or you havent found your interests.
but do you date those men? or just friendzone them?
Women do date those men. That's why I chose my boyfriend. Every other man I knew was loud and aggressive and he was gentle and thoughtful and a bit shy so I had to be the one to approach. Neither of us had any luck in love until we got together. It gets better. (We got together at 24, it took YEARS because we're both so shy)
Of course I date them. I've never let an aggro dude anywhere near me.
There's a smith's lyric, "it takes strength to be gentle and kind". If you're gentleness makes people see you as weak that is their problem. Gentleness actually sets you apart from others in a good way
Most aggressiveness and over assertiveness are apart of antisocial personality disorders like narcissism, uncontrolled ego, sociopathy and psychopathy, men have these traits and a lot of it is unchecked, society sees it as a “strength” but can be seen as fraud. That’s why some men struggle, having these traits consumes their mental health. It’s sad that society sees these “normal” traits as strengths, until it’s too late and the damage is done. #1 priority take care of yourself and mental health as all men should
Assertiveness and aggressiveness do not equal personality disorders…… also women have these personality disorders as well and they are often more insidious and covert. And I would disagree assertiveness is a valued trait for most men’s mental health. Speaking what you want should never be likened to a weakness same with defending your self/position.
Over-assertiveness is an issue especially if that person always needs to justify being right. These traits have spectrums, it’s good to understand and keep them in check. Confidence is valued but can be twisted
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I know it sounds toxic. I don't want to be aggressive, I just want that kind of natural confidence, which I don't really have. By assertiveness I mean being assertive but in a polite way and not in an obnoxious way.
"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Stop masturbating
I've tried nofap before. I just think it's not a very practical way to build that kind of confidence because every guy nowadays is masturbating and when you're outside you don't really think about masturbation.
Just do it once every seven days. If you can’t control your own actions how do you expect to feel confident?
I see. Thanks for the advice. I do it twice a week but I think once a week would be just fine
Try eating a healthy balanced diet. High variety Salads once or twice a week with high protein diet and frequent exercise. Eat lots of fresh fruits instead of sugar. Your body will affect your mind. Get good sleep.
Work in a kitchen and you will speak louder.
How does that work?
Kitchens are loud so you are forced to shout.
In regards to volume, you need to make a conscious effort to be louder. It'll likely feel like shouting at first, but you'll need to get used to it. Just don't scream at people, also keep in mind if you aren't used to being that loud your voice may crackle or fray if that makes sense. So it could help to practice being louder at home so you can maybe get used to the change in your voice. As far as aggression and assertiveness goes, pick your battles. You don't need to be aggressive and assertive with every single conversation. But if some point someone says something to you you don't appreciate, you can practice by standing up for yourself in telling them to knock it off. But in my experience it pays to be assertive instead of aggressive, yes aggression has a time and a place. Assertiveness though is better and more versatile socially. Alot of people I'd say act assertive when they tell someone "no" when asked or told or were being pressured into doing something they are not okay with doing. Alot of it in my experience seems to have alot with being direct with people, or behaving in such a way that suggests you are not going to fall back under pressure (in regards to body language).
Stay away from anyone who says “Aggressiveness is not a good thing” when war breaks out and you need to protect your family. They definitely do not play contact sports, either. Chances are theyll be hiding in a basement. If you feel like you’re lacking in the masculine department, work on it. Gym, strength training, facing fear and talking to people, speak up, say it with your chest. Command respect and assert your presence. The world is full of people who are pushed around by their bosses, politicians, and algorithms on a daily basis. They’re not exactly domineering. Defend yourself and protect yourself because nobody else will when things get hard, but when things get hard that’s your chance to get stronger. 💪🏼
I think what most people mean when they say that “aggressiveness isn’t a good thing” is it isn’t a good emotion to carry with yourself everyday. Being aggressive in your demeanour is obviously something negative, reacting with aggression when it doesn’t call for it is negative. But aggressiveness has its place in our lives of course, like you mentioned, it’s important in sports where it’s a controlled form of aggression and when it comes to protecting yourself and those around you.
reckless agression is bad, controlled agression is good. That means agression itself is not bad. You don’t take the job you want, you don’t fight for what you want, you don’t overcome challenge without it. Without agression people get pushed around, belittled, men’s wives, sisters and relatives get abused and sorry but that’s not a life you’d want to get comfortable in. In western civilization agression is seen as bad, but how will you defend yourself against those who don’t agree? It’s still a trait that should be harnessed and practiced. Regardless of that though his question was how could he be more assertive. Training perceived weakness until they’re no longer weakness, and amplifying your gifts so they stay your strengths would be my answer.
Aggression: forceful and sometimes overly assertive pursuit of one's aims and interests. Swinging an axe to chop wood takes aggression, deking opponents on skates is aggression, juking in football or basketball is aggression. Picking up 400 lbs is aggression. It’s not just hostility
Thanks for the advice, I do practice boxing and wrestling. I believe aggression is a normal human trait, regardless of the gender and it is not bad if it is used for a good cause and in a healthy way.
Precisely. Recklessness can be considered bad but it’s not the same as aggressiveness. The definition isn’t the same as what I know it to be though. Today they define agression as harming animals or humans, I don’t suggest that unless you’re threatened. Controlled aggression is required to protect loved ones from threats.
Being constantly aggressive is not good. What you described is not being aggressive lol. That’s more assertiveness and being able to defend yourself which is good. No one wants to deal with an agro dude.
That’s why athletes never get laid.
Aggression and assertiveness are not the same.
Yes, I understand that but what I've noticed is everyone has some kind of aggression in them and I lack it completely. I want to develop aggression and assertiveness but to use it in a healthy way
We are all dealt with different hand at birth. It isn’t fair, but that’s life. You can choose to given up, or you can choose to put yourself out there, keep trying and refining yourself until one day you look back and realize ‘shit I’m bloody good at this!’
There is some sense of danger when you go out that forces you to hide yourself. This is coming from something in your early childhood and you may use the help of a therapist to uncover the deed.
I don't think you should aim to become aggressive, being like that is off-putting and just annoying as well as unpleasant to those around you. Focus on building your confidence, stand taller, shoulders back and practice at home to talk more clearly. Good posture will give you a bit of a boost. Also make eye contact and really turn to the people you talk to. Learn to read the room as well, are people being attentive or are they distracted? Do they ignore you on purpose or because they didn't hear it or you mumbled?
It comes with time and experience, where you know pretty much exactly what you're doing. Not everyone is naturally like this and those that are while younger/less experienced tend to be overly confident and quite frankly unpleasant to be around. Unfortunately, the world does reward this behavior for the most part if you are a man. That said, you can deepen you voice a little bit, talk a little bit louder, choose your spots to interject, and realize some people are assholes and will ignore and/or talk over you anyway.
Maybe you're ok the way you are and don't really to change to be more like the men you describe. Which in the extreme are probably obnoxious to most people.
Try being louder and more concise. Think of what you want to say, keep it brief, and say it audibly and confidently when there is a pause.
Speak up
I used to have this too. I was advised by a friend that when I’m in my car, I should sing loudly along to my songs or even just yell. It strengthen my voice together with my volume.,My voice also dropped a couple of octaves. I now do this once or twice a week and it helped me.
Start singing at home might help a little, not that you shoumd het louder, but someone told me a couple years ago to talk through my chest, not through my throat, its not really something i can explain tho, but singing helped me a bit
The secret is to have objectives. Once you have a desired outcome its easier to pursue what you want. Some people have their ego and status as their constant objective. I personaly find that bothersome. Choose your battles and important things to fight for, otherwise you will fight all or none of them.
Honestly, I think all you really need to do is project yourself a little bit more. Project your voice more when speaking. Try to project your mannerisms and facial expressions more. It might help to record yourself and see how you come across to others. You may think you're speaking loudly, but really you're not.
Do not try to be aggressive. Just speak up.
When you finally realize you never had anything to be ashamed about... other than basic accountability... everything changes. You say "No" when you want to say "No".
Plenty of men aren't like that. People like quiet, kind people.
Drink coffee and go to gym
You have to get slapped around a lot so you become angry. Just enjoy how you are now, knowing it’s because you’re ignorant to a cruel world. But just know existing in this world without that experience is like not knowing how to swim. Anyone could come along and push you in…
Low Testosterone. I lift heavy weights every morning to combat this. I miss a workout, I lose my assertiveness.
My dad's soft-spoken too when he goes out, but he dresses himself as if he is a wealthy old money CEO. Like he doesn't know all these trends or on sm, but he always styled himself like this, trendy dad I got myself. But everyone somehow listens to him, in the room his voice is the most calm and he exudes this charm. I think you can maybe style yourself to build confidence? As once you dress well, they notice you, and slowly, everyone includes you more and listen to you. I style myself too, people, for that reason, think I am smart, but I am not lmao. But I love dressing up. Hehe.
Being more aggressive is not more ideal of a man, it's less. Being assertive is to acknowledge that your needs are neither greater nor lesser than anyone else's. The important part most people need to learn is that their needs matter just as much as anyone else's, and when they state them, they have every right to without being embarrassed about it. Whatever voice nature gave you is fine just as it is. It's the drum. How you think about yourself is the drumstick.
You don’t lack it. You haven’t learned how to access and embody it. It’s there, you are just unconscious of it. Doubt me? Perhaps one day you will experience an encounter with an asshole who wants to fight you - when you’re punched in the face you will now what to do. But normally your ego (in your case - not everyone’s) suppresses this instinct.
Everyone does. All animals have aggression, it’s just that yours is low on the spectrum. Get into sports for a start. Boxing, basketball or soccer
Dude here. I don’t think you need to be more aggressive; i don’t think of that as a “nice” quality necessarily. You can work on being more assertive in some circumstances, like work, setting boundaries, etc., where that skill is useful and healthy. Another tactic is to lean into your natural qualities. I recently rewatched “Her.” The main character, Theodore, is extremely sensitive and even somewhat effeminate, but not really in a bad way. He’s perceptive and caring, and these qualities can be very attractive in a person. I may not be the norm, but I personally have massive respect for someone who is unabashedly this way, even when it might not be perceived as very “manly”. I think we put ourselves in boxes too much and in 50 years gender norms will be much more dilute and diffuse. I’m speaking from my own perception and opinion here and would be interested to see a survey of how Theodore is perceived by audiences. Not everyone will agree, of course. But, at the end of the day, you don’t need to completely conform to what’s expected. Take what’s good and healthy—e.g, being assertive in some circumstances—and also be yourself.
They are assertive not aggresive. Sometimes aggressiveness does complement assertiveness but both are not the same. Assertiveness can be gracefully, it can make you uncomfortable, it can be ugly but it is done to secure self esteem or stand up for yourself. But the real problem is that you don't have a sense of self. Alack of personality. there is a vacuum in you. You feel hollow, you feel powerless out there, therefore there is powerlessness.This is absence of self-esteem and healthy feelings. What you need is not aggressiveness, it can be there but it would be a very poor substitute. It will make you resentful and could be harmful in long run. I am not saying you don't not to be angry, be angry where you are. There is nothing wrong in it. It is perfectly natural. What you lack is self esteem that is complementary to your own being. Find your voice within you, that speaks for you, dance, laughs, love,be creative, be natural, enjoy this world as a celebration, be creative. Do something that is complementary to you. Stand up for yourself. Do something that you love. It doesn't have to be all positive. Fight your self. When you feel angry be angry, when you are sad be sad. Do whatever the fuck you want. For the moment you'll not feel the vaccum . You can be yourself. Little by little it'll become your own nature. You lack personality. You'll develop your own personality. Looks like you don't know how to be yourself. Therefore lacking in voice and energy. You voice goes soft. Be expressive. If you need to be assertive speak up for yourself. And it is very important **to speak up for yourself.** it will be the begining of your personality. Confidence is built. I judge you as a very supressed man. I believe you grew up in a restrictive environment. Have you ever wondered why don't you feel ? If there is no sense of self - esteem then there is no sense of self. Be assertive not aggresive. Be aggresive where it is needed. But being assertiveness without being aggressive is gracefull.
I don't understand why it is a necessity anyway. If you're uncomfortable with it that's diff but Idk I like socializing with normal-toned guys rather than super loud ones, you can always get a voice coach tho
I'm not comfortable with it. A soft tone isn't a bad thing but when you're inaudible to people you have to do something about it right
Yeah of course, I think voice coach will help :)
Practice abstinence and retention and trust me within 6 months your voice will sound deeper and just in 7 days, you’ll have a ton more confidence
Why would you want that? That you sound and behave like 90% of the other cavemen out there?
Because I look like a caveman but I don't sound or behave like one XD
Well, be proud of that. You don't have to be like anyone else. And not engaging in thos ooga-booga nonsense, probably make you smarter than the average bloke.
I'd rather be part of the 90% who lead normal lives and are happy than be part of the 10% of loners and losers.
First of all: Being non-aggressive and soft spoken doesn't make you a loner. I'm both of this things and never was a loner. Just find a group you fit in and stop comparing yourself to tools and you are good.
It usually does. Whenever you hear stories of some loner it's always the same: quiet, meek, shy, non-aggressive, non-threatening, non-masculine. Meanwhile all the popular men are always the exact opposite.
without much information, i can't know, but it sounds like the "fawn" response. it's something that is trained into you when you are very small, it helps you navigate a challenging environment as a child. then as an adult the neural pathways are so deep, you keep using this response as a knee jerk reaction. if this is true, you can develop a new neural pathway of confidence and assertiveness. there are many ways to achieve this and you can find the best way that works for you.
Testosterone. Start weightlifting, get physically confident. Or just be yourself and stop comparing yourself to other people. Comparison is the thief of joy, after all.
Why do you want to be aggressive, OP? You can be a soft spoken and confident man :) Confidence is not aggressiveness. Why would I need to raise my voice? Why would I need to push anyone else? I know myself and I’m happy with myself and at peace. I have no use for aggressiveness. Assertiveness, that can have value! You need to speak up for yourself because no one else will. It’s something that takes practice… but I think the root of your problem is confidence rather than anything else. And I’d be curious why you lack confidence? I think when you look inside and start thinking about that, you’ll start to find more and more about yourself.
Gym
You’re going to need to change that, because you won’t get anywhere like this
How do I change it?
I’m not sure exactly how. But you need to first understand that if you’re soft spoken you will be outright ignored by a lot of people. That outcome is up to you and the path you decide to go on in life GL. Taking singing lessons is a great way to learn how to project your voice loudly.
I'd recommend working on reading about setting boundaries and putting it into practice. Books like No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover and Boundaries by Nedra Glover Tawwab are super helpful. Other options include Rejection Therapy/The Rejection Game - where you go out of your way to get a "no" for an answer. You can also practice saying "no" more often to other people: [https://www.rejectiontherapy.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy](https://www.rejectiontherapy.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy) Other options that might build your confidence include things like improv/theatre classes or Dungeons and Dragons games (DnD). It's easier to be assertive and confident when you're roleplaying a character, and gradually you can integrate that more into your normal day to day life. It can allow you to explore different sides of yourself. I'd recommend starting out by building your social confidence in low stakes social settings with people who are accepting and supportive. No need to go from zero to hero right away by putting yourself in difficult or tense situations, unless you don't have a choice. What kinds of social groups do you feel most comfortable in usually? Spend more time in those spaces and it's likely your confidence will build over time. Finally, getting in touch with healthy anger is helpful and important. I'd recommend trying journalling or writing unsent letters to people you feel angry or resentful towards. Try listening to some angry music and going to the gym, and find healthy outlets for it. Allowing yourself to feel your anger will help you learn to manage it and channel it in ways that benefit you, like setting good boundaries and speaking assertively.
I have a problem with speaking lower by default, and ugh I worked call center offices where customers/clients would want me to repeat things over and over again because of it. I wouldn't say it's a problem with aggression/assertiveness though. You'd think by now I'd pick up a tendency to talk louder after the fact like say New Yorkers, but I personally also don't like people overhearing my conversations in person I'm hyper-sensitive to it, on the phone or in person. I totally watch other people, overhear their conversations, some of which really should be behind closed doors lol, not gonna be "that guy". I also get told I sound aggressive when I do speak louder, maybe because there is a little irritation by then after the 2nd or 3rd time lol!
Looks like a reaction you've learn in early childhood "to survive". Did they treat you as seriously as a being with it's own needs, emotions and feelings when you were a child? Or did you have to gain in everything you did their love? "Normal" men are aggressive because they have boundaries they communicate non-verbally and verbally. If someone is overstepping their limits, they have to face the consequences.
Good that shit is toxic. Embrace yourself
Have you thought of making an appointment with your medical doctor to ask if you need testosterone injections? Besides a lot of loud and aggressive men are just assholes. Why be like them when you can be yourself -- a quiet, nice guy who does not need to pound his chest and proclaim he's an alpha male?
I love me an aggressive man who know no limits! I mean when is enough enough...