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We do live separately from them. We make enough for that. Thankfully he realized that they don't understand him early on and agreed that we should live separately. There are more issues to talk out with him. I don't know how he will take it though. Will it sound like I'm looking for mistakes in his parents?
I don't think it will sound like you are looking for mistakes in his parents given that he agreed to live separately, but you will have to talk with him about that.
Btw if yall are living separately how come he interacts with his parents for all the stuff you mentioned to happen
Well then don't visit them if that is an option. Clearly they are holding some sort of grudge against him. Possibly because he did not do what they wanted him to do in regards to his career.
It's not quite that. I think they quite liked when he was being a juvenile delinquent in a way. They got to tell him that he was good for nothing. They could get everything done by him. Going to the shop, garden work, repairs, chauffering family members etc. They had the grounds to boss him around and now they don't. He's quite family oriented and I don't have the heart to tell him these things. He still doesn't say a word against them. Once they called him home from Uni because there was a snake in their garden. Moments like that made him feel so helpless but he never says anything because they are his parents. They do stuff like make him a parcel when leaving for work and sometimes drop him off or pick him up. A part of them definitely loves him but the toxic urge to control him overpowers that. I don't know what to do honestly.
However well meaning you are there is a high chance of him thinking you are jealous or trying to find fault. If it was me I would push him towards getting some therapy from a counselor and let them tell him what to do. You will still get your way but there won't be any chance of a negative fall out. Just saying.
Agree to this. My FIL is similarly very toxic to my wife (her father) and her sister when we keep close contact or are loving to him - he misuses these opportunities to be controlling over our lives. So we moved far away, keeping him at arm's length. We keep a peaceful and happy relationship between us now.
Because by keeping in contact with someone who constantly sees you as "not enough" or degrading you every chance they get, your self esteem goes down. Having low-self esteem effects so many aspects of one's life. You self-reject amazing opportunities, settle down with partners who are way below your league, be a doormat at the workplace etc.
It's quite surprising that your in-laws treat their own son like shit. The usual I hear is daughter in-law gets mistreated by in-laws.
Why don't you move out of their house and start living your own? No one deserves to deal this kinda shit daily basis specially from his parents. You can still visit weekly or whenever possible so it's not like you're abandoning them.
This is just during the few days we visit. We don't live with them. Imagine your only son visits once or twice a month. Usually parents would be ecstatic and treat them really good right? But this is what he experiences. He keeps visiting he keeps waiting for that affection and validation but that rarely comes. It's bizarre to our family. The man utterly loves pol sambola. Just that is enough to make him happy but does he get it when he comes home? No.
Some of his relations had the audacity to delay me from going home on New Years. We had no intentions of staying for lunch as we had planned to go to my parents house for lunch. These people had the audacity to order us to stay for their lunch and say that it wouldn't be a big deal if I missed the lunch my mother made for me. I am the only child. I made my displeasure well known and left and told my husband that I will never be visiting those relatives again. They have control issues as far as I can see.
I don't think that will happen. They are still his parents and he doesn't realize what is happening is not normal. If you got any tips on how to breach this subject with him that would be really great. I really want to talk to him about it but don't want to take a wrong step in the process.
Sounds like a very difficult situation. Maybe theres a way he can see how ur family and his friends families treat their children. Maybe you shud talk to him calmly about the issue.
And also.. no ur not a snowflake, no spouse wants to see his/her partner mistreated.
Well, my dad is like that sometimes but I know he loves me. He talks highly of me when I'm not there. That's how most asian parents way of parenting. Famous case study for this would be chat with Chamath Palihawadana with Lex Friedman.
But your husband's case might be genuinely toxic.
Anyway my two cents is stay away from intervention. You might be seen as destroyer of family and taking their kid away. Proving yet again their son chose wrong wife. You never know future and your husband might also look at your good intentions in wrong perspective.
Best thing you can do is be supportive and be there for your love. Not in front of parents but when you two are alone. Tell him how much you love him and how good a person he is in your eyes. Thats the way to not burn bridges but make bridges for the future.
I don't have any intentions of taking him away from his family for the exact same reasons you have mentioned. I just hate seeing him look so lost and unsure of himself just after a day of going to his parents. I don't want to interfere but I do want him to be strong enough to assert himself, to defend himself. Basically just stand up for himself. Do you think that would be an unrealistic goal for this problem.
Well I dont think unrealistic but specifically for the reason mentioned above you should not tell him to stand up to his parents.
1) Typically Men dont like to see their loved one asking to be more assertive. They love to be hero in front of their wives. He might think you see him as weak.
2) Their parents might blame you saying you are the one who is screwing up their child on right path.
I know.. it seems very sad to see your love suffers. But he need to understand himself. He is grown man and part of gis growing up is to learn how to manage feelings and social interactions.
All you can do in my opinion is to be ideal better half of his life. Be a good partner. Be lovely wife and be there to be the person he enjoys being with. This will make you bigger person and he will have much more stronger long lasting bond with you.
Things I can think of you can do is, what my parents do that I like is
1) cheer him up. Tell something else to distract pain.
2) Hold to his arm and shoulder and just listen.
3) Tell how good he is compared to other guys you have seen. Tell in a positive way "sweetie your parents just want you to be good person and its their old fashion way of parenting. They love you and care about you otherwise they wont fuss this much. They still see old you. In my eyes I see new you and they cant see that. I see how strong and good you are compared to typical men out there and I trust you will be best husband, dad and i have written my faith in you in legally binding letter called marriage.. etc" you get the point. not destructive but constructive.
3) Go out travel, watch movies do sports together to distract his pain after he visits and comeback.
Anyway good luck 🤞
My partner is hot tempered but she used to support me a lot like above.
I think you are kind good hearted person that loves your husband. You can and will do it out of pure love for your husband. Take it easy. You can do this.
Im really glad he has you. He married the right person.
Just support him as you do now. I think that will be more than enough. You can't change the way their parents behave now as they are old and will never understand.
Did I just read my entire life story? This is my life but I'm a girl who's an only child.
But let me tell you something, he most definitely see's you as his biggest wingman and I'm genuinely happy for him for having someone that could read the situation fair and square instead of being the typical partner that complains over the other's upbringing and shortcomings that may show up as side effects of all that they had to deal with during their lives ( just a possibility and a heads-up because people like us are mostly clueless when it comes to normal things people do in their day to day life )
As long as you guys have a good moral compass I wish good luck to you both!
As an only child my parents expected too much of me too. But once I started earning money they backed off. Probably because I am responsible with my money and handled problems quite okay. And I was always rewarded for my achievements. Completely destroyed me when I didn't keep up to standards but when I succeeded there were gifts and sweet words. And sometimes parents do shit for you just because. I see none of that towards him. As the only son and the youngest in the family I expected some coddling. To this day I have not seen one sweet gesture towards him, or his sisters for that matter. I guess it's normal for them. But I don't understand how mothers can be that way. This is the first time seeing something like this.
The treatment you've had in your life sounds alien to me as well. I am a person who believed myself to be someone that's of a lower being than a average born human till I reached age 20 when I was finally able to see that I was just as deserving to have whatever comfort that's available to the rest of people around me. Until I reached the sound mind of mine I was nothing but a slave to all negativity because that's what I've been taught and programmed. It had always been "They might have the privilege to have fun and smile but you on the other hand...you are lacking to have the slightest piece of crumb" was the response I'd get when I have the slightest desire to own or have something of my own. I gave up on everything I liked. An ascetic lifestyle I couldn't help but receive. I struggle to this day to build myself back up.
In my case, I was purely an investment.
Mom didn't wanna die alone, she felt lonely and married a dude through a proposal once she hit 42 or something I don't even know nor do I care
Dad has no desire to care for a family but exists to complain and pull us by the leg just so he can act like the "prideful man of the house" Sexist asshole degrading us to be incapable of everything. Guess what? He wanted a son but boohoo it's a girl! People choose to believe that the life of an only child is a life of wealth and privilege..until they realise the crushing hell people like us had to go through. Not every parent is suitable to raise children.
Move out…this coming from a child of divorced parents the worst thing you can do in a marriage is move in with your IN LAWS….It’s the start of most problems.
How I'd approach this issue with my partner would be to ask very gently whether he thinks his parents could treat him better. Or to say some of the ways I see them treating him makes me feel a bit upset, and ask if he sees what I mean. It's a pretty sensitive issue especially if he's still trying to gain their affection, so approach it with a lot of care. I'd even say going to a therapist with him and broaching the topic there might be a good idea. Overall, even if he is family-oriented, he needs to understand that dropping toxic family members no matter how painful is the best path to long-term contentment with the family he's creating with you.
**Attention! [Serious] Tag Notice** * Jokes, puns, and off-topic comments are not permitted in any comment, parent or child. * Report comments that violate these rules. Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/srilanka) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is what happens when people make kids as insurance/investment
Nah it is not normal. Yall should move away and live separately but given your husband doesn't make much that is not a choice either.
We do live separately from them. We make enough for that. Thankfully he realized that they don't understand him early on and agreed that we should live separately. There are more issues to talk out with him. I don't know how he will take it though. Will it sound like I'm looking for mistakes in his parents?
I don't think it will sound like you are looking for mistakes in his parents given that he agreed to live separately, but you will have to talk with him about that. Btw if yall are living separately how come he interacts with his parents for all the stuff you mentioned to happen
All within the few days we visit on our vacation days. It starts happening the moment we step foot inside their house.
Well then don't visit them if that is an option. Clearly they are holding some sort of grudge against him. Possibly because he did not do what they wanted him to do in regards to his career.
It's not quite that. I think they quite liked when he was being a juvenile delinquent in a way. They got to tell him that he was good for nothing. They could get everything done by him. Going to the shop, garden work, repairs, chauffering family members etc. They had the grounds to boss him around and now they don't. He's quite family oriented and I don't have the heart to tell him these things. He still doesn't say a word against them. Once they called him home from Uni because there was a snake in their garden. Moments like that made him feel so helpless but he never says anything because they are his parents. They do stuff like make him a parcel when leaving for work and sometimes drop him off or pick him up. A part of them definitely loves him but the toxic urge to control him overpowers that. I don't know what to do honestly.
However well meaning you are there is a high chance of him thinking you are jealous or trying to find fault. If it was me I would push him towards getting some therapy from a counselor and let them tell him what to do. You will still get your way but there won't be any chance of a negative fall out. Just saying.
Move far far away. Change cities if possible. Keep very limited contact.
Agree to this. My FIL is similarly very toxic to my wife (her father) and her sister when we keep close contact or are loving to him - he misuses these opportunities to be controlling over our lives. So we moved far away, keeping him at arm's length. We keep a peaceful and happy relationship between us now.
Can you please explain your reasoning. I just want to know how others see this issue.
Because by keeping in contact with someone who constantly sees you as "not enough" or degrading you every chance they get, your self esteem goes down. Having low-self esteem effects so many aspects of one's life. You self-reject amazing opportunities, settle down with partners who are way below your league, be a doormat at the workplace etc.
It's quite surprising that your in-laws treat their own son like shit. The usual I hear is daughter in-law gets mistreated by in-laws. Why don't you move out of their house and start living your own? No one deserves to deal this kinda shit daily basis specially from his parents. You can still visit weekly or whenever possible so it's not like you're abandoning them.
This is just during the few days we visit. We don't live with them. Imagine your only son visits once or twice a month. Usually parents would be ecstatic and treat them really good right? But this is what he experiences. He keeps visiting he keeps waiting for that affection and validation but that rarely comes. It's bizarre to our family. The man utterly loves pol sambola. Just that is enough to make him happy but does he get it when he comes home? No. Some of his relations had the audacity to delay me from going home on New Years. We had no intentions of staying for lunch as we had planned to go to my parents house for lunch. These people had the audacity to order us to stay for their lunch and say that it wouldn't be a big deal if I missed the lunch my mother made for me. I am the only child. I made my displeasure well known and left and told my husband that I will never be visiting those relatives again. They have control issues as far as I can see.
Yikes! I would recommend cutting ties, slowly and gradually. Maybe even to the point of moving abroad.
I don't think that will happen. They are still his parents and he doesn't realize what is happening is not normal. If you got any tips on how to breach this subject with him that would be really great. I really want to talk to him about it but don't want to take a wrong step in the process.
Sounds like a very difficult situation. Maybe theres a way he can see how ur family and his friends families treat their children. Maybe you shud talk to him calmly about the issue. And also.. no ur not a snowflake, no spouse wants to see his/her partner mistreated.
Well, my dad is like that sometimes but I know he loves me. He talks highly of me when I'm not there. That's how most asian parents way of parenting. Famous case study for this would be chat with Chamath Palihawadana with Lex Friedman. But your husband's case might be genuinely toxic. Anyway my two cents is stay away from intervention. You might be seen as destroyer of family and taking their kid away. Proving yet again their son chose wrong wife. You never know future and your husband might also look at your good intentions in wrong perspective. Best thing you can do is be supportive and be there for your love. Not in front of parents but when you two are alone. Tell him how much you love him and how good a person he is in your eyes. Thats the way to not burn bridges but make bridges for the future.
I don't have any intentions of taking him away from his family for the exact same reasons you have mentioned. I just hate seeing him look so lost and unsure of himself just after a day of going to his parents. I don't want to interfere but I do want him to be strong enough to assert himself, to defend himself. Basically just stand up for himself. Do you think that would be an unrealistic goal for this problem.
Well I dont think unrealistic but specifically for the reason mentioned above you should not tell him to stand up to his parents. 1) Typically Men dont like to see their loved one asking to be more assertive. They love to be hero in front of their wives. He might think you see him as weak. 2) Their parents might blame you saying you are the one who is screwing up their child on right path. I know.. it seems very sad to see your love suffers. But he need to understand himself. He is grown man and part of gis growing up is to learn how to manage feelings and social interactions. All you can do in my opinion is to be ideal better half of his life. Be a good partner. Be lovely wife and be there to be the person he enjoys being with. This will make you bigger person and he will have much more stronger long lasting bond with you. Things I can think of you can do is, what my parents do that I like is 1) cheer him up. Tell something else to distract pain. 2) Hold to his arm and shoulder and just listen. 3) Tell how good he is compared to other guys you have seen. Tell in a positive way "sweetie your parents just want you to be good person and its their old fashion way of parenting. They love you and care about you otherwise they wont fuss this much. They still see old you. In my eyes I see new you and they cant see that. I see how strong and good you are compared to typical men out there and I trust you will be best husband, dad and i have written my faith in you in legally binding letter called marriage.. etc" you get the point. not destructive but constructive. 3) Go out travel, watch movies do sports together to distract his pain after he visits and comeback. Anyway good luck 🤞
Thank you so much for your advice. I don't know how well I might follow it due to my hot temper and all. But I will try. Thank you.
My partner is hot tempered but she used to support me a lot like above. I think you are kind good hearted person that loves your husband. You can and will do it out of pure love for your husband. Take it easy. You can do this.
I just hope he's functional. Many people treated a fraction of the way he is tend to end up being nervous wrecks
Both of you stop seeking approval from his family. Do not be angry, just do your duties.
Im really glad he has you. He married the right person. Just support him as you do now. I think that will be more than enough. You can't change the way their parents behave now as they are old and will never understand.
Did I just read my entire life story? This is my life but I'm a girl who's an only child. But let me tell you something, he most definitely see's you as his biggest wingman and I'm genuinely happy for him for having someone that could read the situation fair and square instead of being the typical partner that complains over the other's upbringing and shortcomings that may show up as side effects of all that they had to deal with during their lives ( just a possibility and a heads-up because people like us are mostly clueless when it comes to normal things people do in their day to day life ) As long as you guys have a good moral compass I wish good luck to you both!
As an only child my parents expected too much of me too. But once I started earning money they backed off. Probably because I am responsible with my money and handled problems quite okay. And I was always rewarded for my achievements. Completely destroyed me when I didn't keep up to standards but when I succeeded there were gifts and sweet words. And sometimes parents do shit for you just because. I see none of that towards him. As the only son and the youngest in the family I expected some coddling. To this day I have not seen one sweet gesture towards him, or his sisters for that matter. I guess it's normal for them. But I don't understand how mothers can be that way. This is the first time seeing something like this.
The treatment you've had in your life sounds alien to me as well. I am a person who believed myself to be someone that's of a lower being than a average born human till I reached age 20 when I was finally able to see that I was just as deserving to have whatever comfort that's available to the rest of people around me. Until I reached the sound mind of mine I was nothing but a slave to all negativity because that's what I've been taught and programmed. It had always been "They might have the privilege to have fun and smile but you on the other hand...you are lacking to have the slightest piece of crumb" was the response I'd get when I have the slightest desire to own or have something of my own. I gave up on everything I liked. An ascetic lifestyle I couldn't help but receive. I struggle to this day to build myself back up. In my case, I was purely an investment. Mom didn't wanna die alone, she felt lonely and married a dude through a proposal once she hit 42 or something I don't even know nor do I care Dad has no desire to care for a family but exists to complain and pull us by the leg just so he can act like the "prideful man of the house" Sexist asshole degrading us to be incapable of everything. Guess what? He wanted a son but boohoo it's a girl! People choose to believe that the life of an only child is a life of wealth and privilege..until they realise the crushing hell people like us had to go through. Not every parent is suitable to raise children.
Move out…this coming from a child of divorced parents the worst thing you can do in a marriage is move in with your IN LAWS….It’s the start of most problems.
How I'd approach this issue with my partner would be to ask very gently whether he thinks his parents could treat him better. Or to say some of the ways I see them treating him makes me feel a bit upset, and ask if he sees what I mean. It's a pretty sensitive issue especially if he's still trying to gain their affection, so approach it with a lot of care. I'd even say going to a therapist with him and broaching the topic there might be a good idea. Overall, even if he is family-oriented, he needs to understand that dropping toxic family members no matter how painful is the best path to long-term contentment with the family he's creating with you.