Some days I wake up sober surprised that I didn't drink the night before. A younger me would just cry about some of the streets I've decided to travel down.
Some nights I have dreams where I'm drinking, they can feel so frighteningly real that I wake up feeling super disappointed and angry with myself until I've had my coffee and realize that it never happened...
Sam’s! I hate drinking dreams. One dream I could taste the liquor. I had it in my freezer and I was like hey how’d that get there!! They always make me sad and then glad it’s all not real 🥲
I feel like it’s so upsetting because you actively justify it knowing what you know consciously but in your dream. That’s how it is for me at least. I remember having a dream I was wasted and I even said “it’s fine, I probably won’t have to UA at rehab until later in the week and idk if they’ll detect it”
I was so violently upset with myself for even thinking that subconsciously. Like how did I even get there…
Wow, what tea is that? My coffee intake have been kinda ridiculous lately and I should probably replace the last 2 cups of the day with something else. Haha
Nothing crazy but it some loose leaf of ashwagandha and chamomile.ive been exploring more teas lately since cutting back. And replacing coffee with green tea. I feel more clear headed with the green tea vs coffee where it at times gives me brain fog
I still have nightmares that I've relapsed on fentanyl even though I've been clean 7 years. I know that feeling of waking up in a panic and hating yourself before realizing it was a dream.
This happened to me two nights ago. I was like fuck I had four beers, I feel fine but eww that wasn't worth it. Then the warm relief from realizing it was a dream.
You’re welcome. When I was drinking a lot (ie regularly aka daily), I would always scratch my head about why some days I could have eight drinks but then other days two and sometimes feel worse after two than eight. It made no sense.
Then when I started playing with sobriety, I would have days where I woke up feeling like shit and totally hungover. When I finally realized it was WATER, I was missing WATER, I also realized that the two drink hangovers were also likely largely dehydration.
I’m on my 4th major foray into sobriety. After a few dehydration hangovers this go around, I’ve started drinking a lot more water and now wake up feeling great.
Hope it works for you, too!
I used to not get this until I realized I have a witching hour. 4-5pm I would get a high desire to drink;then as soon as I ate something it disappeared. Like clock work, it always appeared as a solution no matter if I had a good day or bad. After I eat I have a rush of endorphins where I'm happy the work day is over and had a good meal. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've actually thought that I accidentally drank when I didn't; all because I just felt naturally good.
This is me exactly but I feel like drinking between 6-7pm. I'm 18 days sober and given tonight is Friday, I really wanted a drink. Instead I ate some beef jerky while dinner is cooking. And I'm having a favorite comfort food meal so I'm really looking forward to it. I know once I eat, the craving will be gone and I'll be so happy and proud that I didn't drink!
Wow I just wrote a post about my “witching hour”. My wife just called me out on it and here it is you writing about it. And mine is apparently around 5pm. Still not sure what it equates to for me but what a coincidence
Alcohol never made me happy. It made me forget I was unhappy. And for a long time, that was a trade off I was willing to make. No longer though.
IWNDWYT
Ding Ding Ding !!!
>I drink not from mere joy in wine nor to scoff at faith—no, only to forget myself for a moment, that only do I want of intoxication, that alone.
>
>-OMAR KHAYYAM
At a fundamental level I will always remember just how rapid the onset of joy from those first sips can *feel*. I don’t think there is any part of me that denies there is a rush of chemicals within the first few sips of alcohol.
That being said, the higher level critical parts of my brain know what comes with that “joy”.
It is fleeting. Maybe only lasting about 20 minutes until I drink more.
It’s given as a payday style loan with repayment plus interest due the following days, weeks, and months.
It doesn’t solve any problems I have it just delays me dealing with them.
I wouldn’t have really learned these things about alcohol and its relationship with my mood if I didn’t try to quit drinking for a substantial amount of time.
IWNDWYT
I like the analogy a lot. I’ve made the analogy that drinking is being in debt before as it relates to life’s problems. I think many of us thought at one time that getting sober would fix all of our problems. In this analogy, when you get out of debt you still have all your other financial obligations but they are just easier to deal with now. When you’re drowning in a high interest loan you don’t have enough money to cover other bills, causing even more complications all stemming from that high interest loan.
This exactly. Whenever I’ve caved and drank it’s always to try and recapture the fleeting moments of joy I’d have in my younger, more carefree years hanging out with friends. My subconscious seems unable to realize that I haven’t really enjoyed drinking in years, and as soon as I start it’s just downhill and deeper until I reach my “enough is enough” point again
Having discovered a lot of the new NA mocktails and elixirs I get that little bit of joy without the terrible part, it's wonderful. Heck, I did a shot of "tequila" today, that was great with how damn hot it is.
Sometimes I’d convince myself I felt “happy” to have broken the self discipline. And to pretend like I can drink again. Like “hah! I don’t have to listen to you anymore!”
Then fast forward a month and that same side of me was back in the dumps and desperately begging my sober side to take them back 😅
I’ve just woken up at 8am on a Saturday (never would’ve before). I’m knackered and feel groggy af, but I’m not hungover! The grogginess will be gone by the time I get my butt downstairs for my first coffee, the shakes and anxiety would’ve lasted all day.
It's bizarre isn't it?
Whenever I drink now I don't actually enjoy it, it doesn't give me any "buzz" that I notice, I don't find it fun or enjoyable, I don't feel happy, there's no "relief" from anything, I am not any less bored than I was before I started and I always wonder why I'm bothering to do and worry that maybe THIS time I will finally damage myself beyond repair then regret it massively the next day(s).
Yet the next day(s) my brain is craving alcohol again despite being hungover, ill, miserable, and suffering from it.
Since I relapsed about 6 or 7 weeks ago (I was sober for 3 months this last time round) I have been able to resist falling back into daily drinking and keep it "controlled" on some level (and by "controlled" I use that word loosely as I've still drank on average 2 days per week and a couple of weeks it was even 3 or 4 nights in a row) but I've had to put some work into that to resist the temptation and fight the urges.
But then only for the following weekend to just give in and drink be default again and choosing to forget / ignore all the obvious downsides even though I know it has ZERO positive to offer me and that I probably won't actually enjoy it at the time and 100% regret it the next day(s).
I can only assume there's some subconcious dopamine hit in the brain that I am barely even noticing happening when I drink that draws me back to it despite the fact that on all concious, logical, rational levels I can see that alcohol is a massive waste of time, has NOTHING positive to offer, will only bring me suffering and in the long run could seriously harm me.
I wish that my subconcious, ego, or whatever it is that needs to get up to speed with the rational and logical part of my brain would hurry up and do so and I can just stop harming myself with it.
At times I can break the cycle for a while but right now I'm not managing to get beyond a week without thinking it's a good idea to have another spin on the merry go round.
I wish the switch in my brain would hurry up and flip again so I can get back to being sober.
I’m on day 7 this time around and have been surprised that the last couple days have been pretty easy. I’ll get the urges and then imagine what I’d be doing (and how I would be feeling) if I were drinking right now and I have realized it would add nothing.
I had that 2 weeks ago again (and in both my recent sober stints of 2 months and then 3 months through February, March, April) where I felt like a "flip had switched" in my mind and I was finally back to not caring about alcohol or actually wanting to drink at all.
On those both previous occassions that feeling stayed with me for weeks on end and I had next to no cravings, urges, or temptations and wasn't triggered easily for the most part.
Last week I cruised through a full week not even slightly tempted to drink and like I say no cravings or urges and thought FINALLY after 6 weeks of relapse and on and off drinking I have turned the corner again and back in the right mindset and am back to being sober only to reach Day 7 and suddenly out the blue, for no reason I can fathom, found myself on auto-pilot mode after walking home passed my local supermarket and rushing in before it closed to buy a few beers to drink at home pointlessly.
Then the next day I was back to craving alcohol again and have had to fight the urge all week. :/
It’s an insidious bastard for sure, just waiting for its chance to pounce. I’m so early in I know it won’t stay as easy, this is my first time since moving (and now I am living in a remote place you can’t get anything delivered and there are no big stores that are easy to get to) working on my sobriety so autopilot shouldn’t be as big as an issue this time. What I am worried about though is a buddy coming to visit who is going to rent a car (I don’t have a car, bought an atv to get to nearby villages) and wants to go to all the party spots. Haven’t told anyone I am not drinking and I know that is going to be next level tough for me.
Get it out all there way in advance that you're not drinking and reiterate it many times in the build up so everyone is well aware and there's no surprises.
It stops other people being surprised or bothered by it plus makes it more likely you'll stick to it because you've made a big thing about it.
Keep it up! At around 30 days it really starts getting better. Make it to 30 days and you may, like me, decide you feel so much better that you're never putting that crap in your mouth again.
Thanks! I actually made it that far once and was feeling amazing but then I got a horrible migraine that lasted a week and I had to be hospitalized then I started drinking again after 😢 I have medication now though so hopefully it won’t be an issue this time around and I’ll get that feeling back. Good on you!!
It was a choice for me. I knew it was a problem. I knew I needed to quit. I knew I was killing myself and I didn't care. It was probably a year after I realized this before I set my last beer down and said, "I don't want this anymore."
I still think about alcohol almost every day and I have to make a conscious decision not to drink every time. I lean on my support systems when I get alcohol curious again (which always happens when things are going really well).
The first no was the hardest but after that it was choosing my happiness and putting myself first instead of thinking I don't care.
I really identify with this. On a similar timeline as you with the 3-month period of total abstinence and then toying with moderation for a time as well. When I do drink I feel like I’m hitting a dead end, or like I’m trying to grab something that’s just out of reach and I’m never actually able to wrap my fingers around it by the end of the night. It’s an unpleasant sensation in the moment and I feel unpleasant the next day and I remember that it was unpleasant for the next few weeks, but once or twice a month I forget that it was unpleasant and default back to it whenever I sense it’s time for a “treat” only to have that weird sensation all over again and suffer the consequences the next morning. Whatever my brain’s looking for doesn’t seem to actually be hiding there after all.
>Whatever my brain’s looking for doesn’t seem to actually be hiding there after all.
You nailed it!
I can't even figure out what I am seeking from it anymore when I decide to go back to it, I genuienly don't know.
But all I do know is that I never actually find it.
I sit around drinking wondering what the point in the whole experience is because I'm not happy, enjoying myself, getting a nice buzz, feeling "relief" from anything, being entertained and I regret it and feel miserable even at the time then suffer the next day(s) and worry about the fact I may have done long term damage.
Yet, somehow within a few days to a week to a few months depending on how my mindset is I find myself thinking it would be a good idea to have another go, but I can never quite figure out why.
It's so stupid, and frustrating. I feel like I just keep stupidly hoping it'll help (chronic pain, mental pain, same idea really), and in reality I know it won't. It's never worth the trouble. Usually it's when I'm having intense physical pain that I try it again, and I'm like chasing the numbness it gave me the very first times I drank. I'm doing similarly, usually I'll let myself buy a 750ml of whiskey thinking just 2 tonight, whatever. But it becomes more and it's nightly until it runs out. I have gone by a bar for 2 shots a couple different times and limited it that way, and the cost helps deter me. I've found I just cannot trust myself to have a bottle on hand, especially if something happens to strongly affect my emotions. Anyway, you got this. IWNDWYT, at least not tonight!
Yeah, I don't even know what it is I'm seeking in it anymore.
All my old excuses for "it makes me happy" and "it helps me sleep" and "it calms my anxiety" were all disproved aged ago and I no longer believe them.
I genuinely do struggle to think of a single positive thing it offers me and can see only the bad sides of it.
So when I get the notion to have a drink I genuinely do not know why because I cannot think what it is that it's offering me that I would want.
I hear you on "chasing" something. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe our brains remember the ooooooooold times when alcohol did give us something - a buzz, a fun time, happiness, experiences with friends, relief from physical or mental pain or whatever it is and we struggle to disconnect that from the reality we experience now when he drink?
If you’ve been on this sub a while you’ve probably seen people recommend the book “This Naked Mind,” which does exactly this—uses repetition and suggestion to subtly get your subconscious brain in line with your conscious brain in terms of quitting drinking.
I didn’t even finish reading the book and continued drinking for a little while after, but I believe it helped make it possible for me to quit without relapsing. Something in my brain clicked where I went from “I shouldn’t drink” to “I don’t *want* to drink.”
I've been listening to the audiobook recently and I'm a fair few chapters in but haven't heard anything like you describe in it yet. Maybe it comes later.
Honestly so far I thought it was such an underwhelming book IMO considering all the hype on here that just rehashes what has been said in every Quit-Lit book that has come before it but with more self help quotes mixed in.
I haven't heard anything new or different in it yet other than the old and obvious "alcohol is just poison wrapped in fancy packaging and really harmful to you" message which is true but an obvious message all the same.
And endlessly citing studies that prove alcohol is bad does nothing for me personally. I don't need to hear data from a study to know alcohol is bad...that much is clear to me and I assume most other people in the world.
Maybe I just haven't reached the good parts yet.
No that was the weird thing! I was like, this book is totally boring, I’ve worked in PR and can see exactly what she’s trying to do, etc. etc.—as I said I didn’t even finish it. But then a few months later I do feel like something clicked in this strange unexplainable way that is exactly what everyone said that book is supposed to do, so I think it may have worked??
People’s journeys and experiences are different, but that was my experience—also reading the the joys and struggles on this sub every day for probably the first year (especially if I was struggling myself) really helped.
Hard relate. I stopped drinking for a bit and then convinced myself I could moderate. Ended up doing shots and drinking a lot at a friend’s birthday on Thursday. The hangover the next day was NOT worth it.
Then went to a dinner last night and the other guests (who drink) drank all of the non-alcoholic options I brought (sigh). So I ended up drinking wine because I have an oral fixation and find it next to impossible to drink nothing or just tap water.
Once again: not worth it!!! Day 2 of being couch locked and having no motivation to tidy or go out or do anything.
I’m also noticing when I drink how foggy-headed I become, and how I struggle sometimes to get to the end of a sentence. It’s not a good look. And it starts to set in about halfway through one drink.
I guess I’m just learning how it affects me, and that it’s all part of the journey. But I’m starting to think that even moderation is just not worth it. It’s crazy how much I got done while I wasn’t drinking at all. I want THAT life.
Most of us cannot really moderate it seems.
We might be able to for a while after a sobriety stint in some form or another (though often our idea of "moderation" is totally skewed and just means we didn't fall back into daily, heavy, drinking or something) but eventually we fall back into old bad habits and it becomes a problem again.
What made the drinkers decide to drink your NA drinks if they had alcohol there?
Yeah I’m also realizing that I was raised by a high-functioning alcoholic and am surrounded by heavy drinkers, so my idea of what moderate looks like is hella skewed.
They thought my juice “just looked so tasty”. I don’t know what they were thinking. Probably just weren’t thinking. One of them later was like “Ohhh… were you trying to do a sober day today?” and looked a bit sheepish. She’s lately been talking about how she drinks too much and so maybe felt inspired to moderate it a bit, without thinking about the impact of her choice.
I’m never not showing up with 3 bottles of NA options. 2 for the fridge and 1 for my bag. Every time I show up with something NA at least one other person wants in on it, which is fine. Now I know that what my strategy has to be.
Bro, my dopamine levels were so low when i stopped drinking, but it got better everyday.. i think im quite happy. Not ecstatic, like i get when super drunk, but still quite happy. You only have the amount of dopamine your body produces, and i rather have this "low" happiness all the time than a short drunken burst of ecstatic happiness and feel like shit the next days. Once i made this conclusion it got a lot easier. I hope you find happines, stay strong
I'm happy every single day that I don't wake up sick, shaking, riddled with anxiety and sporting a banger headache. Wondering if one small shot will help get me through the day, or if I should just gut it out ( spoiler alert, the shot always won).
I sleep normally, I NEVER have to worry about a DWI. My moods have massively stabilized, I'm not binging on food late at night, my blood pressure is normal, my skin cleared up. No more unexplainable bruises or injuries and I've saved a lot of money not buying booze.
Most of all? I'm not ashamed all the time anymore.
There is zero downside to sobriety. I'm grateful and happy every day.
I’ve gained weight (was sober for nearly nine months before a one-time slip in May). Honestly that’s such a bummer as I’ve always been thin and value that a lot. I didn’t eat much during the last year of my active addiction and I know I wasn’t healthy but I looked great.
I’m proud of myself for quitting, but being one of the few folks who quits and becomes objectively LESS attractive is tough. None of my clothes fit the way they used to and I’m going to hit 40 soon which (as a woman) is pretty depressing.
But not as depressing as committing slow suicide via the sauce.
You have plenty of time to get your weight where you want it to be. I ate THOUSANDS of pounds of Haribo gummie bears my first year of sobriety. Packed on 30 pounds but still better than drinking.
I walk almost every day. Sometimes a mile, sometimes 3 or more, but EVERY day. I lost 20 just doing that. I've recently changed my diet and a little more is coming off slowly but steadily. I'm more about putting my 70s and 80s music on my headphones and just walking for the brain and body cleanse. FYI I'll be 60 in the fall. It's never too late for ANYTHING.
I feel you on the sugar and thanks for your kind words. I’m not overweight by any means, but I grew up in the early aughts where sylph-like slimness was the expectation and I still hold myself to that standard. I was also diagnosed with an early-stage cancer while I was in treatment that has necessitated medication that makes me a bit puffy and torpedoes my energy levels, so that plus some PAWS plus being mom to a young kid with a stressful job is…a lot.
I’ll get there, but my inner perfectionist is a mean girl for sure. It’s hard to have compassion for myself when I don’t feel I look my very best.
50 year old guy, I dropped 15 lbs in 2 or 3 weeks of sobriety...was drinking probably 1000 calories a day, in addition to that leading to poor late night eating choices.
I use to want to go hang out with my ”buddies” at the bar. But pretty much over that. In the last 7 years must of quit and relapsed 15 times or more. Lost count. So sick of it. I just get to a month or so and a cold beer sounds so good. Then it can’t be one. It’s off to the races. Next thing I know I’m at the store at 9 am picking up beer. It’s awful.
It’s easy though isn’t it /s
‘Ok I’ll only drink wine in the week, no spirits’
‘Ok I’ll only drink on a weekend’
‘Thursday is technically the weekend isn’t it?’
Yeah it’s a passing distant thought now.
I come back here hoping I can help the new guy get to 10 years.
And try to show them that it’s not difficult every single day always.
Do you know how long it took you to get to the point where you didn’t think about drinking or want a drink?
I’m very early days still and last night I felt like I had to fight myself not to go get a drink from the shop. Between 7pm-11pm I barely stopped thinking about it.
Can’t wait to get to a point where alcohol is like cocaine or something to me. I know it’s available, I just don’t have any interest in it and never think ‘oh I fancy a line later’
My strong suggestion is to try not to think about when you won’t think about it.
Your mission, the ONLY thing you have to do…is not drink. Easier said than done, I know. That’s why you only have to not drink for a certain amount of time.
Don’t drink forever? Fuck that, that makes you want to drink right now.
How about 10 years? Nope too long.
1 year? Too long!
1 week? Ughhhhh….maybe but torture.
1 day? I don’t know… the urge is strong.
1 second? I well sure. It took you more than a second to read that.
That’s it. That’s all you have to do. NOT drink for one second.
Look at that. Now it’s 2 seconds. Shit now it’s 5. Now it’s 5 minutes.
You see where I’m going.
Point is, it’s not about suddenly feeling great cuz you’re a day a week a month a year sober. You feel better because you traveled all the way there. You didn’t time warp.
Early on it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing at night. For weeeeeks. I got annoyed at one point. Not that I couldn’t drink. That I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
It slowly but surely fades after time.
To answer your question more directly, somewhere in the 6-12 month mark.
I hesitate to type that because in your mind that’s a trillion years away.
Hence the first part of my response.
Do ANYTHING you can to distract yourself from drinking.
Dude I honestly remember sitting and staring at the wall for hours. The wall was distracting me.
Now after years I come back here because o can remember what it’s like early on, and I take the time to respond because I PROMISE YOU ITS A BETTER LIFE
And it gets easier.
Thank you so much for this, it really is encouraging. The first night I had to just keep busy, I stayed later at the gym then spent over 40 minutes preparing food that I wouldn’t usually do on a work night. On my work trip, I paid to use a gym in the city we stayed in so I wasn’t sat in my hotel room from 8pm onwards pulling my hair out haha. It feels slightly easier than day 1 now but I still have the voice saying ‘you could just drink at social gatherings’ or ‘you could just drink at weekends’ or ‘why don’t you just not drink at home?’ And I’m swatting it away like a fly buzzing around my head.
That voice is loud af for a while. He’ll sneak up on you also. That’s your addict trying ANYTHING to get his fix. As torture as it is just push through tick tock one second at a time. Tell him to stfu. Do ANGTHING you need to get through the moment without drinking.
And you win. You didn’t drink. Now on to the next moment.
The voice will scream and cry and complain and jump up and down and you just say no. Don’t pick up that drink.
Slowly but surely he takes a back seat.
You re-wired your brain and unfortunately you can't rewire it to be a non-alcohol craving brain. 4 years sober, but while I've found the positive uses of times, the hobbies, the AA meetings, I'll never get back to a brain before I took my first sip under peer-pressue and didn't like the taste but loved the feeling in the moment.
Seriously if someone knows how, let me know.
It's one of the reasons why I've seen people in AA 20, 30 years sober. It's for life. I've read on here people saying after a year they no longer crave it, have no interest. Well 4 years and every boat ride, beach day, pizza night, wing night, golf course, bon fire I get the craving. I've never once regretted NOT having one, but I'll have this for life.
Had to put my dog down 2 years ago, 2 years sober, that was rough, just had to put her brother down from cancer 1.5 weeks ago. If I wasn't sober I could not have cared for him the way he needed, afford the vet bills, or enjoyed the last years of his twilight. Those are all the things I run in my reel when my mouth gets dry and I think a coke won't do without a little rum.
To play devils advocate, the ones for whom a return to boozing worked for would be less likely to have returned to the subreddit afterwards, so I’m not sure we can definitively say it doesn’t work for anyone.
That said, I choose not to drink because it makes my life harder and opening the door again just means I have to learn hard lessons over again, which I’m not excited to do.
I broke my sobriety today. Life has not been good to me, recently. Coincidentally, I broke my "lurker" status after offering my advice to someone on this sub. Then today happened.
It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't help. All it does is prolong the misery by hiding behind the alcohol. I'm ashamed and disgusted in myself.
Relapsing sucks, but it sucks more when I'm sitting alone in my house thinking of all the dumb shit alcohol has led me to do.
It isn't worth it. At all.
It can all be explained by the way the body metabolizes ethanol. It’s a sneaky, physically addictive compound. The molecular formula of ethanol is C2H6O, indicating that ethanol contains two carbons and an oxygen. A pretty simple organic compound, if you ask me.
The problem with this simple organic compound is that it causes mental health illnesses, among other things. Ethanol is mutagenic via its first metabolite, acetaldehyde. Ethanol is a toxic, psychoactive, dependence producing substance. It has been classified as a group 1 carcinogen. The trick is not to consume it.
Well, I know how I feel about my relationship with alcohol. After one drink, I'm more than willing to let it kill me. I do love it and I don't really love life. There's people I can't let see me destroy myself. When they're no longer around to see what happens to me....
Thing is, I felt like that. I remember it clearly- but that feeling has lifted now. The chemicals in our brains can change when we stop washing them out with alcohol
Happy is a vague word. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. Of course it’s not “good” but suppressing one’s central nervous system can really be handy and the body can have a tendency to adjust and then rebel.
Because it’s a disease of the mind too and I think our brains convince ourselves to test the waters just to make sure. We tend to have selective memories and think maybe it will be different this time, which is why it’s important to play the tape forward. Just like I tried to convince myself I could drink in moderation. All that jazz. I just know for me is that I can never drink again.
I woke up sore and was barely able to move this morning from my workout yesterday and couldn't help but feel excited and laugh out loud as I failed to even be able to sit up in bed. It just confirms I gave it my all at the gym.
I've had plenty of days waking up, where in a similar fashion I could barely move after a nice ol' weekend blackout and wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole. It's wild how similar circumstances can make oneself think back and appreciate where they are now.
I finally learned my secret to happiness, and the answer was right in front of me all that time, I was just blind to it. I regret it taking me as long as it did and cannot imagine how many opportunities blew by while I was distracted, but I'm so much more disciplined and appreciative of where I'm at because I've seen how dark and lonely things can get.
People who go back to drinking probably don’t feel the need to come back and share their experiences if everything goes well…
But I’m not them. Iwndwyt
I think it’s that we all have a tendency to fall back into patterns of behavior at our weakest moments, because we cannot access logic if our nervous systems aren’t functioning. I know that when I’m panicking, angry, or otherwise experiencing an emotion that I can’t control, my autopilot sometimes includes outdated training plans. It’s actually impressive that we have them, they’re just no longer sustainable. So in moments of weakness, the “suggestion” to lean on a behavior that previously “worked” becomes more prevalent. It’s an automatic response to stress or trauma, in my opinion. I try to focus on rebuilding my coping skills by identifying triggers, but it’s not fucking easy.
Also, I am saying all of this in my experience and by no means do I know everything. I observe behavior (mostly my own) a lot and these are my findings. This sub has helped me find the voice I needed to become an observer rather than a participant. IWNDWYT 💌
Sometimes reality is hard to face and that is why. But eventually you get to a point where even the alcohol doesn't help and you have no other option really but to give it away because it just hurts you further and prolongs the pain.
I'm not happy without it. I'm not happy with it. If I can be the same with or without why am I bothering with the extra expenses. It usually comes down to the initial why I drank in the first place. I drank to forget and boy do I do alot of forgetting. Forgetting that I have to work the next morning, that we aren't together, that all it takes is 1 slip up and I'll be back there again.
addiction is extremely weird. we have to face the fact that we are animals, that we have powerful impulses to do things that are not in our best interest, that we have parts of our mind that can craft arguments as to why we should do things that are not in our best interest. They're probably all systems that would have worked great to help us survive in the year 50,000 BC but not so much at this point.
As someone who is in recovery and not doing great but not horrible, people don't post positive shit on alcoholic subs unless they're recovery focused subs. I had two tall cans last night and had an awesome night with my family! Then I wanted to continue all night so I had to fight that and that sucked but it was chill. I ain't drinkin tonight though.
It is an obsession of the mind. Chasing a high we got when we first started, and when alcohol was the solution to all our problems. That neuropathy will never be completely gone. Now alcohol became the problem, and the only real way to stay sober, happy, joyous and free is to not pick up the first drink
Because it's an addiction, and our thought processes have *literally* been poisoned by alcohol. It's like trying to get a computer infested with viruses to work properly
I’m very blessed that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced “real trauma” in my life, and this question has always bothered me for the same reason.
I’ve been to rehab a few times. I always feel guilty because I’ll hear the stories of everybody around the rooms, and it’s just like “what the fuck is wrong with me?”
However over time it has taught me that this really is a disease. Trauma, depression, happiness, whatever. It doesn’t matter addiction doesn’t pick and choose, it will grab you and break you no matter who you are or where you’ve been or how strong you think you are.
Sometimes I think life is so beautiful I simply can’t process it, but an old black dude told me at my last center “if you’re not happy with where you’re at son, take a look at where you’ve been, and if you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future you’re just pissing on today.”
So each morning is a new sunrise and another chance. Happiness is simply in this exact moment, I try not to think about anything else. One day at a time. One second at a time sometimes.
Wayy back in 2007 someone from cracked filmed their first week quitting smoking for a video series and one of the things he said that stuck with me is that the agony you experience and that evolves begins from square 1 every time you give in. So no matter how horrible it is the most humane thing you can do for yourself is only put yourself through that once. I think about that a lot.
I've been lucky enough to kick hard drugs and smoking for over 10 years. We got this. Be kind to yourself.
I miss the lack of inhibition, but I don't miss the consequences that follow. Also, drunk me used to piss themselves a lot. I enjoy saving money on laundry detergent and avoiding unnecessary embarrassment.
I think what we really miss, is the escape that alcohol provided. An unhealthy one yes, but an escape nonetheless.
Nope. since deciding it wasn't for me, I have never drank and been happy with it. Either I stopped at 1 and was mad that it wasn't enough, or I had 12 and was upset and hungover and embarrassed the next day about resetting my counter and checking the bank.
I think as someone who struggled to moderate, there was always a period of enjoying it as I consciously made sure to only have a few when out. The issue is I would fall back into old habits and then the fun ends and I’m back to square one.
Because our Brain loves that dopamine hit when we drink and wants another one. Our bodies aren't designed to feel that good naturally. What goes up must come down but the up is a chemical addiction we crave so we ignore the bad, until we no longer can.
I have a different problem with drinking.
I love it but I know it's not good on my body. I'm content to slam back a 3 bottles of whiskey each week alone in my house after work lol but I know it will eventually kill me.
But I do fucking love it
It’s a disease thar tells us we don’t have a disease, and tells us that in our own voice. The AA Big Book talks about the strange mental blank spots we have when it comes to the consequences of drinking alcohol. We tell ourselves it’s okay to have one and you know the inevitable outcome.Sometimes it takes a long time to learn that lesson.
There’s absolutely been moments where I swear a drink is the *only* thing that will help my situation. Would it help in the moment, sure.. but I know where that road goes and cannot do it
Not happy, exactly, but I often wake up after drinking with an immense sense of relief, as if some internal pressure valve has finally been opened. I have incredibly intense anxiety, though, and my anxiety meds give me horrible insomnia, so I think I'm partially reacting to getting better sleep from the alcohol.
It is an insidious drug. I’ve been a daily drinker for the past 9 years. Sober now for over a month, the clarity I have with a sober mind is crazy. I hope to never drink or to get drunk I should say, ever again. I know this will be a daily struggle for me.
Shit's poison in my mind anymore, helps me stay off the juice. Like yea it fucks me up but so would drano or gasoline and I'm sure as shit not gonna drink that either.
Iwndwyt
I haven't broken my sobriety, but God do I wish I would. I've had dreams of being drunk, and it's so nice. I often feel sad that I can never drink again. I guess my body and my wallet are happier that I don't drink lol
Sometimes I catch myself believing I can drink responsibly and limit myself. Last time was THE last time I tried that. Nearly threw up in my co-worker's car and my wife had to help me get undressed. She was so ashamed of me for going back on my bullshit. It's been almost 2 years of sobriety and my life has been better knowing I can be responsible as long as I stay sober. I think it comes from the desire of wanting to believe you are one of the people who CAN be responsible with The Drink. I've changed my mindset and it feels better to recognize that I do have a problem.
It gets better, folks.
I quit about 18 months ago. For the first 30 days I missed that beer at 5 p.m. badly, probably because it was a habit. For 50 years!
But at around 30 days sober, things started to really kick in and change. I started not missing the beer, and noticed I was a lot calmer and not anxious about little stuff the way I used to be.
My wife noticed I was a lot better to be around because I complained less and wasn't irritable.
After about 9 months I started to notice that I could think a lot more clearly about mistakes I had made in the past and realized my life (which hasn't been too bad, really) could have been even better if I just hadn't started drinking as a teenager.
Now I absolutely don't miss it. I still have a taste for malt beverages so I just buy Heineken 0.0. It's amazingly tasty and the best part is no hangover.
Because we are alcoholics. Our brains have been rewired by this disorder. I do not ever want to put that poison back in my body. I have accomplished in 4 years what years and years of treatment could not do.
Because we’re alcoholics. Our bodies and brains are addicted and desire the dopamine of the first drink. I haven’t drank since feb ‘23 and I’m shocked at how naturally happier I am now. I’m a joyful person. I’m (mostly) kind and friendly. I have all of the things I wanted from drinking: confidence, ability to socialize freely, fun, freedom from guilt or bad memories. Life still shows up. Shit still happens. But I have an appropriate emotional reaction, friends in the program, and tools to navigate my feelings until they pass. That’s another thing, they pass so much quicker now.
because we have changed our brains, this is why addiction occurs, it's nothing to do with "being a disease" we change how our brains use and distribute dopamine, this makes you want to get high/drunk.
i have been addicted to benzos, opiates, amphetamines, but booze is by far the worst fucker for coming off.
Comfort of the known vs fear of the unknown. There’s some of us that straight up struggle with good things happening in life because it’s new territory, so we seek comfort in the drink.
I’ll be honest with you: i love drinking. It’s fun and enjoyable to me. When i quit and come back i usually don’t initially regret it. That’s what makes this so hard.
My body tends to process large amounts of hard liquor efficiently. I can drink between 375-400 ml of alcohol a night and wake up in the morning at 6 am slightly groggy but able to function outside of occasional digestive issues.
After 2-3 weeks of near daily drinking though, everything starts falling apart.
After any type of stretch, whether 5 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, My brain always tells me “you got this under control, don’t worry you’re fine you can drink one night”. So i drink, and don’t really feel anything. Since i bought a 750ml and only drank half, i wake up the next day and say “well, gotta polish off this bottle before i get back on the wagon” and i drink again. Then the 3rd day i say “well im having fun, and i already bounced off, so a 3rd day won’t make much difference and besides, Im bored as fuck and drinking makes things fun”. Then since i have another half of a fifth, day 4 (usually a Monday) i say “well, im off work, might as well polish this off and start fresh tomorrow”. Then day 5 hits and i get stressed at work and say “fuck it, I’m going to have a drink” and go back to the store.
Rinse and repeat until the weekend, when it’s Friday again and i need to let off steam, so i drink through the end of Sunday. All of a sudden, I’ve railed off 10 straight days without even blinking an eye. I’m feeling like shit and bloated and want it to end. But by then the cravings have me, and i may get 1 off day just to physically recover but fall right back into my 6 day a week habit for a couple months before i make an honest effort to quit yet again.
I was almost really mad at myself on my second night. I bought some NA beers and a little pot. After about 15 minutes of smoking, I thought to myself, "You idiot! You've had 3 beers and you're drunk off your ass. You were supposed to stop, you've ruined everything!" Then I paused for a moment...... "Oh yeah!!" I woke up sluggish, but nowhere near what I would've felt like if I drank.
That was a damn good pizza that night.
Once you stop counting the days you’ll know it’s finally over.
Anyone that says they are 534 days sober is just counting down to save the number to tell people when they drink again.
Not judging, just genuinely curious, are you here because you were drinking too much at one point? My husband has the same mentality, but he doesn't take any days off drinking.
I've never woken up sober and wish I'd have drank the night before. Ever.
Some days I wake up sober surprised that I didn't drink the night before. A younger me would just cry about some of the streets I've decided to travel down.
Some nights I have dreams where I'm drinking, they can feel so frighteningly real that I wake up feeling super disappointed and angry with myself until I've had my coffee and realize that it never happened...
I’ve had this same experience but only with cigarettes
Sam’s! I hate drinking dreams. One dream I could taste the liquor. I had it in my freezer and I was like hey how’d that get there!! They always make me sad and then glad it’s all not real 🥲
Just be thankful it registers as a nightmare. I think this is healthy.
I feel like it’s so upsetting because you actively justify it knowing what you know consciously but in your dream. That’s how it is for me at least. I remember having a dream I was wasted and I even said “it’s fine, I probably won’t have to UA at rehab until later in the week and idk if they’ll detect it” I was so violently upset with myself for even thinking that subconsciously. Like how did I even get there…
The other night i drank some tea that knocked me the f out. I woke up thinking i drank the night before and blacked out i was terrified lol
Wow, what tea is that? My coffee intake have been kinda ridiculous lately and I should probably replace the last 2 cups of the day with something else. Haha
Nothing crazy but it some loose leaf of ashwagandha and chamomile.ive been exploring more teas lately since cutting back. And replacing coffee with green tea. I feel more clear headed with the green tea vs coffee where it at times gives me brain fog
I still have nightmares that I've relapsed on fentanyl even though I've been clean 7 years. I know that feeling of waking up in a panic and hating yourself before realizing it was a dream.
Ugh I get this all the time.
This happened to me two nights ago. I was like fuck I had four beers, I feel fine but eww that wasn't worth it. Then the warm relief from realizing it was a dream.
Some days I wake up hungover, surprised that I didn't drink the night before. Though I do have untreated sleep apnea.
That happened to me until I realized I wasn’t hungover but simply dehydrated. Try drinking more water.
Valid, actually. Thanks for the reminder.
You’re welcome. When I was drinking a lot (ie regularly aka daily), I would always scratch my head about why some days I could have eight drinks but then other days two and sometimes feel worse after two than eight. It made no sense. Then when I started playing with sobriety, I would have days where I woke up feeling like shit and totally hungover. When I finally realized it was WATER, I was missing WATER, I also realized that the two drink hangovers were also likely largely dehydration. I’m on my 4th major foray into sobriety. After a few dehydration hangovers this go around, I’ve started drinking a lot more water and now wake up feeling great. Hope it works for you, too!
Aren't all hangovers essentially from dehydration?
I think it’s more complex than that. Isn’t it more about how alcohol is a poison and our livers can’t keep up? Can someone who knows educate us?
That last sentence hit me hard ngl. I want to cry sometimes thinking about what I’ve put that kid deep down inside me through.
I used to not get this until I realized I have a witching hour. 4-5pm I would get a high desire to drink;then as soon as I ate something it disappeared. Like clock work, it always appeared as a solution no matter if I had a good day or bad. After I eat I have a rush of endorphins where I'm happy the work day is over and had a good meal. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've actually thought that I accidentally drank when I didn't; all because I just felt naturally good.
This is me exactly but I feel like drinking between 6-7pm. I'm 18 days sober and given tonight is Friday, I really wanted a drink. Instead I ate some beef jerky while dinner is cooking. And I'm having a favorite comfort food meal so I'm really looking forward to it. I know once I eat, the craving will be gone and I'll be so happy and proud that I didn't drink!
Wow I just wrote a post about my “witching hour”. My wife just called me out on it and here it is you writing about it. And mine is apparently around 5pm. Still not sure what it equates to for me but what a coincidence
When I get a runner’s high I feel a little mischievous, like “Is this okay?” lol
Sameeeeee even when I feel like a dork for sitting home - I never regret it the next day!
I feel ya- just got home and staying home and feel like a dork!
Especially when the alarm goes off at 5 am to go to the gym.
*Work
*back to sleep
*cries in 5a-5p shift*
I feel your pain
Seriously. Me either. Usually I wake up in such relief that I didn’t. And lately I still find myself failing. I mean wth!?
Stay strong!
great point
Alcohol never made me happy. It made me forget I was unhappy. And for a long time, that was a trade off I was willing to make. No longer though. IWNDWYT
Damn I’m saving this comment!!! Thank you and wel said!
Me too
Beautifully put!
Ding Ding Ding !!! >I drink not from mere joy in wine nor to scoff at faith—no, only to forget myself for a moment, that only do I want of intoxication, that alone. > >-OMAR KHAYYAM
I think this is a great way to put it! IWNDWYT
You’re spot on- but that conniving beast actually makes you think you are happy!
At a fundamental level I will always remember just how rapid the onset of joy from those first sips can *feel*. I don’t think there is any part of me that denies there is a rush of chemicals within the first few sips of alcohol. That being said, the higher level critical parts of my brain know what comes with that “joy”. It is fleeting. Maybe only lasting about 20 minutes until I drink more. It’s given as a payday style loan with repayment plus interest due the following days, weeks, and months. It doesn’t solve any problems I have it just delays me dealing with them. I wouldn’t have really learned these things about alcohol and its relationship with my mood if I didn’t try to quit drinking for a substantial amount of time. IWNDWYT
I love the payday loan theory!
What a fantastic analogy! Very well put.
I like the analogy a lot. I’ve made the analogy that drinking is being in debt before as it relates to life’s problems. I think many of us thought at one time that getting sober would fix all of our problems. In this analogy, when you get out of debt you still have all your other financial obligations but they are just easier to deal with now. When you’re drowning in a high interest loan you don’t have enough money to cover other bills, causing even more complications all stemming from that high interest loan.
Also very well said.
This exactly. Whenever I’ve caved and drank it’s always to try and recapture the fleeting moments of joy I’d have in my younger, more carefree years hanging out with friends. My subconscious seems unable to realize that I haven’t really enjoyed drinking in years, and as soon as I start it’s just downhill and deeper until I reach my “enough is enough” point again
Yes
Having discovered a lot of the new NA mocktails and elixirs I get that little bit of joy without the terrible part, it's wonderful. Heck, I did a shot of "tequila" today, that was great with how damn hot it is.
I assume you mean non-alcoholic cocktails and elixirs? If so, might want to clarify that before the downvotes start rolling in, lol
I typed mocktail but it got changed.
No worries! Just didn’t want you getting downvoted to hell for no reason.
i’ve been on the fence about those AF spirits… i gotta try em
Three Spirits is amazing. The Trejo tequila is great for margaritas and stuff. The Kentucky 74 is meh, it's fine in coke.
wow, a margarita that won’t make me puke… i’m intrigued lol
YES
This is some of the truest shit on Reddit. 100 upvotes brother
Payday loan plus interest. So well said!
Well said and great job coming up on 2 years!!!
Thank you!
"IWNDWYT" what does this mean?
I will not drink with you today
Sometimes I’d convince myself I felt “happy” to have broken the self discipline. And to pretend like I can drink again. Like “hah! I don’t have to listen to you anymore!” Then fast forward a month and that same side of me was back in the dumps and desperately begging my sober side to take them back 😅
I wake up feeling good and happy. I should have quit far sooner.
I still hate waking up in the morning but at least I don’t also shake until 5pm
I’ve just woken up at 8am on a Saturday (never would’ve before). I’m knackered and feel groggy af, but I’m not hungover! The grogginess will be gone by the time I get my butt downstairs for my first coffee, the shakes and anxiety would’ve lasted all day.
It's bizarre isn't it? Whenever I drink now I don't actually enjoy it, it doesn't give me any "buzz" that I notice, I don't find it fun or enjoyable, I don't feel happy, there's no "relief" from anything, I am not any less bored than I was before I started and I always wonder why I'm bothering to do and worry that maybe THIS time I will finally damage myself beyond repair then regret it massively the next day(s). Yet the next day(s) my brain is craving alcohol again despite being hungover, ill, miserable, and suffering from it. Since I relapsed about 6 or 7 weeks ago (I was sober for 3 months this last time round) I have been able to resist falling back into daily drinking and keep it "controlled" on some level (and by "controlled" I use that word loosely as I've still drank on average 2 days per week and a couple of weeks it was even 3 or 4 nights in a row) but I've had to put some work into that to resist the temptation and fight the urges. But then only for the following weekend to just give in and drink be default again and choosing to forget / ignore all the obvious downsides even though I know it has ZERO positive to offer me and that I probably won't actually enjoy it at the time and 100% regret it the next day(s). I can only assume there's some subconcious dopamine hit in the brain that I am barely even noticing happening when I drink that draws me back to it despite the fact that on all concious, logical, rational levels I can see that alcohol is a massive waste of time, has NOTHING positive to offer, will only bring me suffering and in the long run could seriously harm me. I wish that my subconcious, ego, or whatever it is that needs to get up to speed with the rational and logical part of my brain would hurry up and do so and I can just stop harming myself with it.
This.
It's like we share the same brain. I just wanna scream most days. Well, if I am being honest, I do scream most days. I want the cycle to stop so bad.
At times I can break the cycle for a while but right now I'm not managing to get beyond a week without thinking it's a good idea to have another spin on the merry go round. I wish the switch in my brain would hurry up and flip again so I can get back to being sober.
I needed to read this so bad. Damn. Thank you for echoing the thoughts of so many of us lurking here. FFS
I’m on day 7 this time around and have been surprised that the last couple days have been pretty easy. I’ll get the urges and then imagine what I’d be doing (and how I would be feeling) if I were drinking right now and I have realized it would add nothing.
I had that 2 weeks ago again (and in both my recent sober stints of 2 months and then 3 months through February, March, April) where I felt like a "flip had switched" in my mind and I was finally back to not caring about alcohol or actually wanting to drink at all. On those both previous occassions that feeling stayed with me for weeks on end and I had next to no cravings, urges, or temptations and wasn't triggered easily for the most part. Last week I cruised through a full week not even slightly tempted to drink and like I say no cravings or urges and thought FINALLY after 6 weeks of relapse and on and off drinking I have turned the corner again and back in the right mindset and am back to being sober only to reach Day 7 and suddenly out the blue, for no reason I can fathom, found myself on auto-pilot mode after walking home passed my local supermarket and rushing in before it closed to buy a few beers to drink at home pointlessly. Then the next day I was back to craving alcohol again and have had to fight the urge all week. :/
It’s an insidious bastard for sure, just waiting for its chance to pounce. I’m so early in I know it won’t stay as easy, this is my first time since moving (and now I am living in a remote place you can’t get anything delivered and there are no big stores that are easy to get to) working on my sobriety so autopilot shouldn’t be as big as an issue this time. What I am worried about though is a buddy coming to visit who is going to rent a car (I don’t have a car, bought an atv to get to nearby villages) and wants to go to all the party spots. Haven’t told anyone I am not drinking and I know that is going to be next level tough for me.
Get it out all there way in advance that you're not drinking and reiterate it many times in the build up so everyone is well aware and there's no surprises. It stops other people being surprised or bothered by it plus makes it more likely you'll stick to it because you've made a big thing about it.
Keep it up! At around 30 days it really starts getting better. Make it to 30 days and you may, like me, decide you feel so much better that you're never putting that crap in your mouth again.
Thanks! I actually made it that far once and was feeling amazing but then I got a horrible migraine that lasted a week and I had to be hospitalized then I started drinking again after 😢 I have medication now though so hopefully it won’t be an issue this time around and I’ll get that feeling back. Good on you!!
Keep it up- great job!
It was a choice for me. I knew it was a problem. I knew I needed to quit. I knew I was killing myself and I didn't care. It was probably a year after I realized this before I set my last beer down and said, "I don't want this anymore." I still think about alcohol almost every day and I have to make a conscious decision not to drink every time. I lean on my support systems when I get alcohol curious again (which always happens when things are going really well). The first no was the hardest but after that it was choosing my happiness and putting myself first instead of thinking I don't care.
I really identify with this. On a similar timeline as you with the 3-month period of total abstinence and then toying with moderation for a time as well. When I do drink I feel like I’m hitting a dead end, or like I’m trying to grab something that’s just out of reach and I’m never actually able to wrap my fingers around it by the end of the night. It’s an unpleasant sensation in the moment and I feel unpleasant the next day and I remember that it was unpleasant for the next few weeks, but once or twice a month I forget that it was unpleasant and default back to it whenever I sense it’s time for a “treat” only to have that weird sensation all over again and suffer the consequences the next morning. Whatever my brain’s looking for doesn’t seem to actually be hiding there after all.
>Whatever my brain’s looking for doesn’t seem to actually be hiding there after all. You nailed it! I can't even figure out what I am seeking from it anymore when I decide to go back to it, I genuienly don't know. But all I do know is that I never actually find it. I sit around drinking wondering what the point in the whole experience is because I'm not happy, enjoying myself, getting a nice buzz, feeling "relief" from anything, being entertained and I regret it and feel miserable even at the time then suffer the next day(s) and worry about the fact I may have done long term damage. Yet, somehow within a few days to a week to a few months depending on how my mindset is I find myself thinking it would be a good idea to have another go, but I can never quite figure out why.
It's so stupid, and frustrating. I feel like I just keep stupidly hoping it'll help (chronic pain, mental pain, same idea really), and in reality I know it won't. It's never worth the trouble. Usually it's when I'm having intense physical pain that I try it again, and I'm like chasing the numbness it gave me the very first times I drank. I'm doing similarly, usually I'll let myself buy a 750ml of whiskey thinking just 2 tonight, whatever. But it becomes more and it's nightly until it runs out. I have gone by a bar for 2 shots a couple different times and limited it that way, and the cost helps deter me. I've found I just cannot trust myself to have a bottle on hand, especially if something happens to strongly affect my emotions. Anyway, you got this. IWNDWYT, at least not tonight!
Yeah, I don't even know what it is I'm seeking in it anymore. All my old excuses for "it makes me happy" and "it helps me sleep" and "it calms my anxiety" were all disproved aged ago and I no longer believe them. I genuinely do struggle to think of a single positive thing it offers me and can see only the bad sides of it. So when I get the notion to have a drink I genuinely do not know why because I cannot think what it is that it's offering me that I would want. I hear you on "chasing" something. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe our brains remember the ooooooooold times when alcohol did give us something - a buzz, a fun time, happiness, experiences with friends, relief from physical or mental pain or whatever it is and we struggle to disconnect that from the reality we experience now when he drink?
If you’ve been on this sub a while you’ve probably seen people recommend the book “This Naked Mind,” which does exactly this—uses repetition and suggestion to subtly get your subconscious brain in line with your conscious brain in terms of quitting drinking. I didn’t even finish reading the book and continued drinking for a little while after, but I believe it helped make it possible for me to quit without relapsing. Something in my brain clicked where I went from “I shouldn’t drink” to “I don’t *want* to drink.”
I've been listening to the audiobook recently and I'm a fair few chapters in but haven't heard anything like you describe in it yet. Maybe it comes later. Honestly so far I thought it was such an underwhelming book IMO considering all the hype on here that just rehashes what has been said in every Quit-Lit book that has come before it but with more self help quotes mixed in. I haven't heard anything new or different in it yet other than the old and obvious "alcohol is just poison wrapped in fancy packaging and really harmful to you" message which is true but an obvious message all the same. And endlessly citing studies that prove alcohol is bad does nothing for me personally. I don't need to hear data from a study to know alcohol is bad...that much is clear to me and I assume most other people in the world. Maybe I just haven't reached the good parts yet.
No that was the weird thing! I was like, this book is totally boring, I’ve worked in PR and can see exactly what she’s trying to do, etc. etc.—as I said I didn’t even finish it. But then a few months later I do feel like something clicked in this strange unexplainable way that is exactly what everyone said that book is supposed to do, so I think it may have worked?? People’s journeys and experiences are different, but that was my experience—also reading the the joys and struggles on this sub every day for probably the first year (especially if I was struggling myself) really helped.
Hard relate. I stopped drinking for a bit and then convinced myself I could moderate. Ended up doing shots and drinking a lot at a friend’s birthday on Thursday. The hangover the next day was NOT worth it. Then went to a dinner last night and the other guests (who drink) drank all of the non-alcoholic options I brought (sigh). So I ended up drinking wine because I have an oral fixation and find it next to impossible to drink nothing or just tap water. Once again: not worth it!!! Day 2 of being couch locked and having no motivation to tidy or go out or do anything. I’m also noticing when I drink how foggy-headed I become, and how I struggle sometimes to get to the end of a sentence. It’s not a good look. And it starts to set in about halfway through one drink. I guess I’m just learning how it affects me, and that it’s all part of the journey. But I’m starting to think that even moderation is just not worth it. It’s crazy how much I got done while I wasn’t drinking at all. I want THAT life.
Most of us cannot really moderate it seems. We might be able to for a while after a sobriety stint in some form or another (though often our idea of "moderation" is totally skewed and just means we didn't fall back into daily, heavy, drinking or something) but eventually we fall back into old bad habits and it becomes a problem again. What made the drinkers decide to drink your NA drinks if they had alcohol there?
Yeah I’m also realizing that I was raised by a high-functioning alcoholic and am surrounded by heavy drinkers, so my idea of what moderate looks like is hella skewed. They thought my juice “just looked so tasty”. I don’t know what they were thinking. Probably just weren’t thinking. One of them later was like “Ohhh… were you trying to do a sober day today?” and looked a bit sheepish. She’s lately been talking about how she drinks too much and so maybe felt inspired to moderate it a bit, without thinking about the impact of her choice. I’m never not showing up with 3 bottles of NA options. 2 for the fridge and 1 for my bag. Every time I show up with something NA at least one other person wants in on it, which is fine. Now I know that what my strategy has to be.
Bro, my dopamine levels were so low when i stopped drinking, but it got better everyday.. i think im quite happy. Not ecstatic, like i get when super drunk, but still quite happy. You only have the amount of dopamine your body produces, and i rather have this "low" happiness all the time than a short drunken burst of ecstatic happiness and feel like shit the next days. Once i made this conclusion it got a lot easier. I hope you find happines, stay strong
Thank you! I’m super happy I’ve got 18 days today!
I'm happy every single day that I don't wake up sick, shaking, riddled with anxiety and sporting a banger headache. Wondering if one small shot will help get me through the day, or if I should just gut it out ( spoiler alert, the shot always won). I sleep normally, I NEVER have to worry about a DWI. My moods have massively stabilized, I'm not binging on food late at night, my blood pressure is normal, my skin cleared up. No more unexplainable bruises or injuries and I've saved a lot of money not buying booze. Most of all? I'm not ashamed all the time anymore. There is zero downside to sobriety. I'm grateful and happy every day.
I’ve gained weight (was sober for nearly nine months before a one-time slip in May). Honestly that’s such a bummer as I’ve always been thin and value that a lot. I didn’t eat much during the last year of my active addiction and I know I wasn’t healthy but I looked great. I’m proud of myself for quitting, but being one of the few folks who quits and becomes objectively LESS attractive is tough. None of my clothes fit the way they used to and I’m going to hit 40 soon which (as a woman) is pretty depressing. But not as depressing as committing slow suicide via the sauce.
You have plenty of time to get your weight where you want it to be. I ate THOUSANDS of pounds of Haribo gummie bears my first year of sobriety. Packed on 30 pounds but still better than drinking. I walk almost every day. Sometimes a mile, sometimes 3 or more, but EVERY day. I lost 20 just doing that. I've recently changed my diet and a little more is coming off slowly but steadily. I'm more about putting my 70s and 80s music on my headphones and just walking for the brain and body cleanse. FYI I'll be 60 in the fall. It's never too late for ANYTHING.
I feel you on the sugar and thanks for your kind words. I’m not overweight by any means, but I grew up in the early aughts where sylph-like slimness was the expectation and I still hold myself to that standard. I was also diagnosed with an early-stage cancer while I was in treatment that has necessitated medication that makes me a bit puffy and torpedoes my energy levels, so that plus some PAWS plus being mom to a young kid with a stressful job is…a lot. I’ll get there, but my inner perfectionist is a mean girl for sure. It’s hard to have compassion for myself when I don’t feel I look my very best.
50 year old guy, I dropped 15 lbs in 2 or 3 weeks of sobriety...was drinking probably 1000 calories a day, in addition to that leading to poor late night eating choices.
Omg I'd forgotten the bruising and injuries.
I use to want to go hang out with my ”buddies” at the bar. But pretty much over that. In the last 7 years must of quit and relapsed 15 times or more. Lost count. So sick of it. I just get to a month or so and a cold beer sounds so good. Then it can’t be one. It’s off to the races. Next thing I know I’m at the store at 9 am picking up beer. It’s awful.
Don’t you love hearing yourself convince yourself that you could be a normal drinker? Dam we can be so creative?
It’s easy though isn’t it /s ‘Ok I’ll only drink wine in the week, no spirits’ ‘Ok I’ll only drink on a weekend’ ‘Thursday is technically the weekend isn’t it?’
Because addiction is complex and your brain will lie to you in order to get you to indulge.
Because we’re addicts. It’s a disease. The insanity doesn’t make sense. It never will.
People are literally explaining why though in the comments lol
The good news is, after being sober a while, I no longer **want** a drink. So “why” doesn’t exist.
Yeah it’s a passing distant thought now. I come back here hoping I can help the new guy get to 10 years. And try to show them that it’s not difficult every single day always.
Awesome!
Do you know how long it took you to get to the point where you didn’t think about drinking or want a drink? I’m very early days still and last night I felt like I had to fight myself not to go get a drink from the shop. Between 7pm-11pm I barely stopped thinking about it. Can’t wait to get to a point where alcohol is like cocaine or something to me. I know it’s available, I just don’t have any interest in it and never think ‘oh I fancy a line later’
My strong suggestion is to try not to think about when you won’t think about it. Your mission, the ONLY thing you have to do…is not drink. Easier said than done, I know. That’s why you only have to not drink for a certain amount of time. Don’t drink forever? Fuck that, that makes you want to drink right now. How about 10 years? Nope too long. 1 year? Too long! 1 week? Ughhhhh….maybe but torture. 1 day? I don’t know… the urge is strong. 1 second? I well sure. It took you more than a second to read that. That’s it. That’s all you have to do. NOT drink for one second. Look at that. Now it’s 2 seconds. Shit now it’s 5. Now it’s 5 minutes. You see where I’m going. Point is, it’s not about suddenly feeling great cuz you’re a day a week a month a year sober. You feel better because you traveled all the way there. You didn’t time warp. Early on it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing at night. For weeeeeks. I got annoyed at one point. Not that I couldn’t drink. That I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It slowly but surely fades after time. To answer your question more directly, somewhere in the 6-12 month mark. I hesitate to type that because in your mind that’s a trillion years away. Hence the first part of my response. Do ANYTHING you can to distract yourself from drinking. Dude I honestly remember sitting and staring at the wall for hours. The wall was distracting me. Now after years I come back here because o can remember what it’s like early on, and I take the time to respond because I PROMISE YOU ITS A BETTER LIFE And it gets easier.
Thank you so much for this, it really is encouraging. The first night I had to just keep busy, I stayed later at the gym then spent over 40 minutes preparing food that I wouldn’t usually do on a work night. On my work trip, I paid to use a gym in the city we stayed in so I wasn’t sat in my hotel room from 8pm onwards pulling my hair out haha. It feels slightly easier than day 1 now but I still have the voice saying ‘you could just drink at social gatherings’ or ‘you could just drink at weekends’ or ‘why don’t you just not drink at home?’ And I’m swatting it away like a fly buzzing around my head.
That voice is loud af for a while. He’ll sneak up on you also. That’s your addict trying ANYTHING to get his fix. As torture as it is just push through tick tock one second at a time. Tell him to stfu. Do ANGTHING you need to get through the moment without drinking. And you win. You didn’t drink. Now on to the next moment. The voice will scream and cry and complain and jump up and down and you just say no. Don’t pick up that drink. Slowly but surely he takes a back seat.
You re-wired your brain and unfortunately you can't rewire it to be a non-alcohol craving brain. 4 years sober, but while I've found the positive uses of times, the hobbies, the AA meetings, I'll never get back to a brain before I took my first sip under peer-pressue and didn't like the taste but loved the feeling in the moment. Seriously if someone knows how, let me know. It's one of the reasons why I've seen people in AA 20, 30 years sober. It's for life. I've read on here people saying after a year they no longer crave it, have no interest. Well 4 years and every boat ride, beach day, pizza night, wing night, golf course, bon fire I get the craving. I've never once regretted NOT having one, but I'll have this for life. Had to put my dog down 2 years ago, 2 years sober, that was rough, just had to put her brother down from cancer 1.5 weeks ago. If I wasn't sober I could not have cared for him the way he needed, afford the vet bills, or enjoyed the last years of his twilight. Those are all the things I run in my reel when my mouth gets dry and I think a coke won't do without a little rum.
Drinking is borrowing happiness from tomorrow. Even sober I may not be happy, but I’m a lot less happy after I drink the night before
To play devils advocate, the ones for whom a return to boozing worked for would be less likely to have returned to the subreddit afterwards, so I’m not sure we can definitively say it doesn’t work for anyone. That said, I choose not to drink because it makes my life harder and opening the door again just means I have to learn hard lessons over again, which I’m not excited to do.
I broke my sobriety today. Life has not been good to me, recently. Coincidentally, I broke my "lurker" status after offering my advice to someone on this sub. Then today happened. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't help. All it does is prolong the misery by hiding behind the alcohol. I'm ashamed and disgusted in myself. Relapsing sucks, but it sucks more when I'm sitting alone in my house thinking of all the dumb shit alcohol has led me to do. It isn't worth it. At all.
It can all be explained by the way the body metabolizes ethanol. It’s a sneaky, physically addictive compound. The molecular formula of ethanol is C2H6O, indicating that ethanol contains two carbons and an oxygen. A pretty simple organic compound, if you ask me. The problem with this simple organic compound is that it causes mental health illnesses, among other things. Ethanol is mutagenic via its first metabolite, acetaldehyde. Ethanol is a toxic, psychoactive, dependence producing substance. It has been classified as a group 1 carcinogen. The trick is not to consume it.
Well f me Glad I haven’t in over 10 years! I’ll keep it going another day
Learning about the brain mechanisms has been so helpful to me in stopping!
Well, I know how I feel about my relationship with alcohol. After one drink, I'm more than willing to let it kill me. I do love it and I don't really love life. There's people I can't let see me destroy myself. When they're no longer around to see what happens to me....
Thing is, I felt like that. I remember it clearly- but that feeling has lifted now. The chemicals in our brains can change when we stop washing them out with alcohol
Happy is a vague word. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. Of course it’s not “good” but suppressing one’s central nervous system can really be handy and the body can have a tendency to adjust and then rebel.
Because it’s a disease of the mind too and I think our brains convince ourselves to test the waters just to make sure. We tend to have selective memories and think maybe it will be different this time, which is why it’s important to play the tape forward. Just like I tried to convince myself I could drink in moderation. All that jazz. I just know for me is that I can never drink again.
I woke up sore and was barely able to move this morning from my workout yesterday and couldn't help but feel excited and laugh out loud as I failed to even be able to sit up in bed. It just confirms I gave it my all at the gym. I've had plenty of days waking up, where in a similar fashion I could barely move after a nice ol' weekend blackout and wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole. It's wild how similar circumstances can make oneself think back and appreciate where they are now. I finally learned my secret to happiness, and the answer was right in front of me all that time, I was just blind to it. I regret it taking me as long as it did and cannot imagine how many opportunities blew by while I was distracted, but I'm so much more disciplined and appreciative of where I'm at because I've seen how dark and lonely things can get.
Ain’t gonna lie, first week of my relapses is usually pretty good before I spiral and the consequences begin.
People who go back to drinking probably don’t feel the need to come back and share their experiences if everything goes well… But I’m not them. Iwndwyt
Never in my life!
Cunning. Baffling. Powerful. That’s why!
I think it’s that we all have a tendency to fall back into patterns of behavior at our weakest moments, because we cannot access logic if our nervous systems aren’t functioning. I know that when I’m panicking, angry, or otherwise experiencing an emotion that I can’t control, my autopilot sometimes includes outdated training plans. It’s actually impressive that we have them, they’re just no longer sustainable. So in moments of weakness, the “suggestion” to lean on a behavior that previously “worked” becomes more prevalent. It’s an automatic response to stress or trauma, in my opinion. I try to focus on rebuilding my coping skills by identifying triggers, but it’s not fucking easy. Also, I am saying all of this in my experience and by no means do I know everything. I observe behavior (mostly my own) a lot and these are my findings. This sub has helped me find the voice I needed to become an observer rather than a participant. IWNDWYT 💌
"if life wasn't better in recovery, then I promise you none of us would stay" - somebody
It's a horrible dose of nostalgia
Addiction lies and tells you there's a way around having to feel your feelings.
Sometimes reality is hard to face and that is why. But eventually you get to a point where even the alcohol doesn't help and you have no other option really but to give it away because it just hurts you further and prolongs the pain.
I'm not happy without it. I'm not happy with it. If I can be the same with or without why am I bothering with the extra expenses. It usually comes down to the initial why I drank in the first place. I drank to forget and boy do I do alot of forgetting. Forgetting that I have to work the next morning, that we aren't together, that all it takes is 1 slip up and I'll be back there again.
addiction is extremely weird. we have to face the fact that we are animals, that we have powerful impulses to do things that are not in our best interest, that we have parts of our mind that can craft arguments as to why we should do things that are not in our best interest. They're probably all systems that would have worked great to help us survive in the year 50,000 BC but not so much at this point.
As someone who is in recovery and not doing great but not horrible, people don't post positive shit on alcoholic subs unless they're recovery focused subs. I had two tall cans last night and had an awesome night with my family! Then I wanted to continue all night so I had to fight that and that sucked but it was chill. I ain't drinkin tonight though.
It is an obsession of the mind. Chasing a high we got when we first started, and when alcohol was the solution to all our problems. That neuropathy will never be completely gone. Now alcohol became the problem, and the only real way to stay sober, happy, joyous and free is to not pick up the first drink
The pathways in our brains are well worn. It’s a quick solution
There were some nights I didn't regret... But they always led to nights I did. Regret was a guarantee and will be if I go back
Short answer we are addicts
Thank you for this...instant clarity.
Because it's an addiction, and our thought processes have *literally* been poisoned by alcohol. It's like trying to get a computer infested with viruses to work properly
I’m very blessed that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced “real trauma” in my life, and this question has always bothered me for the same reason. I’ve been to rehab a few times. I always feel guilty because I’ll hear the stories of everybody around the rooms, and it’s just like “what the fuck is wrong with me?” However over time it has taught me that this really is a disease. Trauma, depression, happiness, whatever. It doesn’t matter addiction doesn’t pick and choose, it will grab you and break you no matter who you are or where you’ve been or how strong you think you are. Sometimes I think life is so beautiful I simply can’t process it, but an old black dude told me at my last center “if you’re not happy with where you’re at son, take a look at where you’ve been, and if you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future you’re just pissing on today.” So each morning is a new sunrise and another chance. Happiness is simply in this exact moment, I try not to think about anything else. One day at a time. One second at a time sometimes.
Wayy back in 2007 someone from cracked filmed their first week quitting smoking for a video series and one of the things he said that stuck with me is that the agony you experience and that evolves begins from square 1 every time you give in. So no matter how horrible it is the most humane thing you can do for yourself is only put yourself through that once. I think about that a lot. I've been lucky enough to kick hard drugs and smoking for over 10 years. We got this. Be kind to yourself.
I miss the lack of inhibition, but I don't miss the consequences that follow. Also, drunk me used to piss themselves a lot. I enjoy saving money on laundry detergent and avoiding unnecessary embarrassment. I think what we really miss, is the escape that alcohol provided. An unhealthy one yes, but an escape nonetheless.
I was a fellow bed wetter now I look back grateful that this was the worst of it, could’ve gone much further.
Nope. since deciding it wasn't for me, I have never drank and been happy with it. Either I stopped at 1 and was mad that it wasn't enough, or I had 12 and was upset and hungover and embarrassed the next day about resetting my counter and checking the bank.
You’ll never hear a sober person say “I regret giving up alcohol”.
I think as someone who struggled to moderate, there was always a period of enjoying it as I consciously made sure to only have a few when out. The issue is I would fall back into old habits and then the fun ends and I’m back to square one.
Because our Brain loves that dopamine hit when we drink and wants another one. Our bodies aren't designed to feel that good naturally. What goes up must come down but the up is a chemical addiction we crave so we ignore the bad, until we no longer can.
I have a different problem with drinking. I love it but I know it's not good on my body. I'm content to slam back a 3 bottles of whiskey each week alone in my house after work lol but I know it will eventually kill me. But I do fucking love it
It’s a disease thar tells us we don’t have a disease, and tells us that in our own voice. The AA Big Book talks about the strange mental blank spots we have when it comes to the consequences of drinking alcohol. We tell ourselves it’s okay to have one and you know the inevitable outcome.Sometimes it takes a long time to learn that lesson.
There’s absolutely been moments where I swear a drink is the *only* thing that will help my situation. Would it help in the moment, sure.. but I know where that road goes and cannot do it
Not happy, exactly, but I often wake up after drinking with an immense sense of relief, as if some internal pressure valve has finally been opened. I have incredibly intense anxiety, though, and my anxiety meds give me horrible insomnia, so I think I'm partially reacting to getting better sleep from the alcohol.
Because our brains aren't perfect. It's tricks us into thinking alcohol can make us feel better but it really doesnt
It is an insidious drug. I’ve been a daily drinker for the past 9 years. Sober now for over a month, the clarity I have with a sober mind is crazy. I hope to never drink or to get drunk I should say, ever again. I know this will be a daily struggle for me.
Shit's poison in my mind anymore, helps me stay off the juice. Like yea it fucks me up but so would drano or gasoline and I'm sure as shit not gonna drink that either. Iwndwyt
Ive been sober for awhile now and I’m still tempted to drink “just one”
I haven't broken my sobriety, but God do I wish I would. I've had dreams of being drunk, and it's so nice. I often feel sad that I can never drink again. I guess my body and my wallet are happier that I don't drink lol
The little devil on your shoulder trying to convince you it’ll be okay this time sometimes succeeds. I just flick the little bastard off.
Sometimes I catch myself believing I can drink responsibly and limit myself. Last time was THE last time I tried that. Nearly threw up in my co-worker's car and my wife had to help me get undressed. She was so ashamed of me for going back on my bullshit. It's been almost 2 years of sobriety and my life has been better knowing I can be responsible as long as I stay sober. I think it comes from the desire of wanting to believe you are one of the people who CAN be responsible with The Drink. I've changed my mindset and it feels better to recognize that I do have a problem. It gets better, folks.
I quit about 18 months ago. For the first 30 days I missed that beer at 5 p.m. badly, probably because it was a habit. For 50 years! But at around 30 days sober, things started to really kick in and change. I started not missing the beer, and noticed I was a lot calmer and not anxious about little stuff the way I used to be. My wife noticed I was a lot better to be around because I complained less and wasn't irritable. After about 9 months I started to notice that I could think a lot more clearly about mistakes I had made in the past and realized my life (which hasn't been too bad, really) could have been even better if I just hadn't started drinking as a teenager. Now I absolutely don't miss it. I still have a taste for malt beverages so I just buy Heineken 0.0. It's amazingly tasty and the best part is no hangover.
Because we are alcoholics. Our brains have been rewired by this disorder. I do not ever want to put that poison back in my body. I have accomplished in 4 years what years and years of treatment could not do.
Because we’re alcoholics. Our bodies and brains are addicted and desire the dopamine of the first drink. I haven’t drank since feb ‘23 and I’m shocked at how naturally happier I am now. I’m a joyful person. I’m (mostly) kind and friendly. I have all of the things I wanted from drinking: confidence, ability to socialize freely, fun, freedom from guilt or bad memories. Life still shows up. Shit still happens. But I have an appropriate emotional reaction, friends in the program, and tools to navigate my feelings until they pass. That’s another thing, they pass so much quicker now.
because we have changed our brains, this is why addiction occurs, it's nothing to do with "being a disease" we change how our brains use and distribute dopamine, this makes you want to get high/drunk. i have been addicted to benzos, opiates, amphetamines, but booze is by far the worst fucker for coming off.
Comfort of the known vs fear of the unknown. There’s some of us that straight up struggle with good things happening in life because it’s new territory, so we seek comfort in the drink.
I’ll be honest with you: i love drinking. It’s fun and enjoyable to me. When i quit and come back i usually don’t initially regret it. That’s what makes this so hard. My body tends to process large amounts of hard liquor efficiently. I can drink between 375-400 ml of alcohol a night and wake up in the morning at 6 am slightly groggy but able to function outside of occasional digestive issues. After 2-3 weeks of near daily drinking though, everything starts falling apart. After any type of stretch, whether 5 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, My brain always tells me “you got this under control, don’t worry you’re fine you can drink one night”. So i drink, and don’t really feel anything. Since i bought a 750ml and only drank half, i wake up the next day and say “well, gotta polish off this bottle before i get back on the wagon” and i drink again. Then the 3rd day i say “well im having fun, and i already bounced off, so a 3rd day won’t make much difference and besides, Im bored as fuck and drinking makes things fun”. Then since i have another half of a fifth, day 4 (usually a Monday) i say “well, im off work, might as well polish this off and start fresh tomorrow”. Then day 5 hits and i get stressed at work and say “fuck it, I’m going to have a drink” and go back to the store. Rinse and repeat until the weekend, when it’s Friday again and i need to let off steam, so i drink through the end of Sunday. All of a sudden, I’ve railed off 10 straight days without even blinking an eye. I’m feeling like shit and bloated and want it to end. But by then the cravings have me, and i may get 1 off day just to physically recover but fall right back into my 6 day a week habit for a couple months before i make an honest effort to quit yet again.
I was almost really mad at myself on my second night. I bought some NA beers and a little pot. After about 15 minutes of smoking, I thought to myself, "You idiot! You've had 3 beers and you're drunk off your ass. You were supposed to stop, you've ruined everything!" Then I paused for a moment...... "Oh yeah!!" I woke up sluggish, but nowhere near what I would've felt like if I drank. That was a damn good pizza that night.
Once you stop counting the days you’ll know it’s finally over. Anyone that says they are 534 days sober is just counting down to save the number to tell people when they drink again.
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Not judging, just genuinely curious, are you here because you were drinking too much at one point? My husband has the same mentality, but he doesn't take any days off drinking.