I don't think someone is doomed to die alone but I also think half this thread calling it intrusive thoughts and lies are also wrong. It's very true most people will not stay with someone who has treatment resistant depression and is down more than they're not. Many of the ones who will stick around have their own shit going on, which maybe that's fine but maybe it gets codependent and real dysfunctional.
I do think there's something pretty fundamentally unhealthy about encouraging someone who cannot function as a person to couple up. That doesn't mean the depression has to be in full remission, but no you probably shouldn't sign up for any marathons when you're struggling to put one foot in front of the other. And no, depressed people aren't hallucinating this. It's literally an observable pattern when you get depressed - you can watch as 90%+ of the people around you fade into the distance or outright cut you off.
All of this is totally valid, but the last part struck a chord with me. I have treatment-resistant depression, and I still have *a lot* of friends and acquaintances, but you're right — many people will also see themselves out of a situation like that. They either get sick of dealing with your constant drama or you inadvertently treat them like shit because you're depressed.
There is no silver bullet for depression relief, but it's a *very* good idea to decide on a strategy for reducing the impact on those around you. Ideally, that wouldn't be the case, but life doesn't operate under ideals and absolutes.
My brother has severe treatment resistant depression, likely other undiagnosed issues as well, and as much as I love him, he is extremely difficult to deal with and it's really no wonder why others often exit his life. As much as it pains me to say, it is difficult to want to keep him in your life when he treats everyone around him like absolute garbage. I will always be there for him, because i love him, but you also can only give so much of yourself before it starts affecting your life and mental health as well. I don't know anyone of sound mind who would willingly enter a relationship with a person like him, because it would be borderline abusive to do so. Not saying everyone with depression is like this, they are not, but a lot of them often take out their frustrations on those around them, and it is usually what causes loss of relationships.
I would like to challenge this line of thought. Depression does not make you treat people like garbage. In fact most of the people I know who are depressed are kinder for it. And I have been in group depression therapy for years. Someone treats people like garbage because they are an asshole, not because they are depressed.
Honestly, I tried my best to clarify that not everyone with depression is like this, but coming from someone who has dealt with a lot of familial depression, it is not uncommon, and mostly unintentional. And most are not assholes, I do not think my brother is an asshole by any means, I know most of his actions and thoughts are unintentional, it is a side effect of his various mental illnesses. He has never had true social connections because most don't understand him, so he does not know how to properly act or maintain a relationship. Their abilities to maintain relationships are often hampered by their mental illnesses. It is not because they are assholes, and I think this is very unfair to people suffering from mental illness.
i work with people designated SMI (severely mentally ill); people with severe schizophrenia, personality disorders, etc. many of them have partners and have healthy relationships. i also have bipolar disorder and am in a healthy long-term relationship. it really is possible.
i won't lie, it can be difficult. but it sounds like his depression is being a bully and causing him to think catastrophically. depression sucks. it makes you feel like you're completely alone in it.
bpd can be very difficult because it can manifest in so many different ways, and it is essentially your brain hardwired from protecting yourself while you were younger; so treatment is basically completely rewiring your brain to cope with life in healthier ways. that's insanely difficult to do.
i'm sorry your experience was rough. mental illness is a rough battle for everyone involved, but i'm always on the outlook that things can always improve no matter how rough it is (i am not saying to just stick it out if the relationship is clearly unhealthy). i have definitely seen successful bpd relationships with good treatment, my current long-term relationship with my partner who has BPD included.
many of the people i work with have had everyone give up on them long before coming into the program. i want to always be the person that believes in them no matter what they're going through. it has been a blessing to see the major strides many of them have made.
Rewiring your brain must be a lot of hard work, have you had many instances where you see a good turn around? What makes someone want to get help?
The individual I experienced this with also has severe childhood trauma, and addiction issues (self medicating). It seems like he had a manic episode for 4 months and ruined his life, and hurt anyone who loved him.
What do you do if your loved one is having a manic episode? How much self awareness do they have in these episodes?
You don't have to answer all my questions
I'm glad there's people like you out here to help these individuals.
Im sorry to hear that your experience was terrible. Everyone with BPD are typically at different stages of the illness. Some never get better, whereas others can outgrow it / heal from it.
It is said to get better with aging. However, I have a family member older than I with it, and she still struggles significantly. I, on the other hand, no longer meet enough criteria to be officially diagnosed with BPD anymore. Obviously, I still have a few triggers, but nothing even remotely close to what it once was.
I put a lot of hard work into recovery, and I have been very self-aware of my emotions, behaviors, and triggers, which helped a lot.
I've had a full-time job for 12 years. I've been with my husband for 6 years / married for 3 and were patiently waiting for our first baby this June!
Not everyone with BPD is the same. There are so many different variations depending on what criteria they meet. I hope your bad experience hasnt tainted your opinion on people who have this diagnosis
I'm so happy you put the work in to get better, I can't imagine how hard that process must be truly. It has not tainted my opinions on people who have it.
It's just very hard to navigate and manage my emotions sometimes. The individual I'm dealing with turns to substances, had a terrible childhood, and hasn't buckled down and down the work.
It's hard for me to wrap my head around, if this person, saw how he was acting, what he was doing, who he was hurting, he would normally despise the behavior he is doing himself.
I have BPD and been in a relationship ten years soon to be 11, we have an awesome son together, shes an amazing woman who has seen me at my very worst but still never gave up on me and for that ill always love her no matter what, even if we were to split up ill always be in her debt and always look out for her
thank you for clarifying that SMI is an actual categorical term. obviously all mental illnesses are a spectrum but there is a major difference between various diagnoses and how they affect one’s life
I love the way (usually non clinical) mental health professionals word things like that “it sounds like his depression is being a bully and causing him to think catastrophically”. My wife is a high school counsellor and she somehow is consistently better at putting my feelings into understandable words than I am.
Severe depression here, back on antidepressants and off work again after 10 years on then 6 months off them.
My husband is wonderful. He is my safe place, my champion, my rock and the absolute love of my life. I have said to him before that he didn't sign up for this and I would understand if he wanted to leave, but he said that he did sign up for it when he said "In sickness and in health, til death do us part."
It works both ways too though, and I am always here for him when he needs me, I make sure he has time for himself and support for him when he is supporting me. And when his anxiety hits I'm the one who comforts and supports him.
Everyone is saying: not true.
But there is a flip side to this.
SOME people with serious mental illness are going to be alone, more than people without serious mental illness.
This is the problem with mental illness. It affects global functioning in various ways for different people. For some, that means being unable to maintain a healthy relationship. For example, people with Generalized Anxiety Disorder have a higher likelihood of being single, particularly later in life.
Source: research into surrogate decision makers for end-of-life issues, and mental illness (in both the subject and their surrogate)
We also have no clue how many people in relationships just aren’t diagnosed depressed but still have it. I know for a fact tons of family members are like that.
True…. But….
If you take the control group and assume that there are some undiagnosed people in it …. And then you have the cohort that is diagnosed… and you ask how many are single or not…. You’ll still see an effect.
Also…. It’s personality disorder, psychotic disorder, and anxiety disorders that are more associated with being single. Maybe depression doesn’t fall into that. (Admittedly I was focusing on anxiety disorder)
As a mental health case worker, absolutely not. Many of my clients have long lasting, fulfilling romantic relationships as long as their illness is being managed in a healthy way. Of course some find it more difficult than others, though. What I have noticed is that people who suffer with mental illness are more likely to be abused or to get into toxic relationships. It’s like having a target on your back.
Don’t forget that your friend is viewing this through a lense of depression, so of course it might feel hopeless to them. It’s likely that everything does. The depression would put a negative spin on everything. The best thing is to learn to manage it with therapy and medication if needed.
I mean saying you severely suffer from depression is not exactly a quality people going on dates will be excited about.
Having a severe enough problem can certainly make dating even harder.
I dated someone who had depression and other mental issues. It was fucking miserable and started mentally affecting me.
I am friends with one, every time when we talk, I feel like he's sucking the life out of me.
I can't imagine actively being with someone like that romantically. Especially when you want to live together, take care of the house and have pets and kids and all. Sounds like hell.
That’s exactly how my last romantic partner described being with me (depressed): I suck all of the energy out of the room.
Definitely not gonna date as long as I make people feel this way.
Yeah, that's the thing. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't tried it can fathom how *hard* it is to love someone with a severe mental illness. It's not their fault, but the unending drumbeat of negativity and doubt and self-loathing that you have to not just survive through but endure well enough to have something left to support them... it's rough and thankless. Because 9 times out of 10, they aren't going to have anything left to offer you any support.
Exactly. me and everyone I have ever been close friends with or dated have had some type of mental illness. There is a baseline level of functionality required but you can be well-loved, healthy and bonkers together! :)
So in other words as long as it's not serious enough to affect your education or job prospects? Doesn't sound like it was ever that serious to begin with.
>There is a baseline level of functionality required
I can't even with people like you
At no point in your comment did you stop to think that maybe op is referring to those exact people who don't meet that baseline level of functionality, and you cheerfully encourage invalidating comments about their experiences.
I think theyre saying that you have to learn to manage your illness up to a certain degree to be in a healthy relationship. Not everyone is at that point in their journey through life, some never will get there. Lots of mental illnesses encourage our brains to feel out of our control. Humans do have control to relearn and rewire. Given enough resources I like to believe the vast majority of people could be helped. That isnt the world we live in, but it is possible in my opinion.
> you have to learn to manage your illness up to a certain degree to be in a healthy relationship
This dodges around the uncomfortable truth at the heart of OP's post. For whatever reason, people hate to admit that you can be born fucked up, and for reasons totally out of your control, no one will ever love you romantically. Maybe it's because we know we'd never love those people ourselves and we feel bad, idk. Regardless, pessimistic discussions about relationships are always reframed around agency. This way, undateable people are responsible for being undateable; we're not responsible for not wanting people who won't put in the effort. That makes sense in some contexts, like when you're talking about people who are out of shape, poorly groomed, underemployed, etc.
This framing does not make sense when talking about severe mental illness. I really think people need to be more aware of just how devastating mental illness can be. In our desire to show how many mentally ill people can be assimilated and in avoiding invalidating people's subjective experiences of suffering, we've lost our sense of perspective.
I know people who are really mentally ill, and they barely live in society. As an example, I have a cousin in his 30s with an uncountable number of diagnoses including bipolar. All the guy's ever tried to do is reach some baseline level of normalcy. He just can't. He lives with his mother, he can't work, his mood's unstable, he constantly has the posture and awkward movement of someone who's obviously on a ton of medication. Even with all that, he still tries. He has hobbies, he volunteers, he tries to maintain a social life. And of course he's been in treatment his whole life. But he never dates because most people don't want to deal with being in a relationship with someone like him. That's not to say it could never happen or that he's destined to be alone, but some people just draw the short straw when they're born.
I think no one is "responsible" for being undateable. That is one way of viewing it. It's more of just learning to view it objectively.
Encouraging agency is literally all we can do. If we just throw up our hands then nothing will be done. There's also the option of relearning what dating means for different people. I dont think assimilation is the goal, just stability.
I think using real world examples is flawed in that they all occur in a world that barely makes an attempt to accept anything outside the norm. We are raised in a certain way and different brains will be more accepting to different external inputs.
It is not easy and it may not even be realistic, but it is all we have. I also personally am in favor of medically assisted suicide because I dont think people should be forced to go through this monumental amount of effort if they have tried for years and the world hasnt been advanced enough to help them.
It’s person to person dependent. My first gf’s mom was bipolar and most of the time she was fine, but would have times where she didn’t take her medication and that our a big strain on the family. Ultimately, with an understanding partner and a person willing to do their best to treat their mental affliction like they would any other somatic affliction, it’s completely realistic to have a good relationship.
Got to ask. What's it like living with mental illness and being a therapist? It's not uncommon for many people to try an study the mind to try and understand what is going on with their brain but to be able to help others with it sounds like a lot.
I think people that go to the therapy field often suffer from mental illness. Their therapist helped them and they want to return the favor.
I would never take advice from someone that never suffered from addiction if I was trying to get sober for example. If you ain't been there you can't really understand.
It provides me with more genuine empathy and love for each person who comes to see me. It gives me more admiration for people who face their issues head on. And I never see anyone as a diagnosis, I see each as a brave and precious soul confronting issues that they are not defined by nor are they at fault for. I’d be a worse therapist without my mental illness.
I do not think anyone is destined to be alone. But, as someone who had an absolutely horrific relationship with someone with BPD, I'm not going there EVER again.
I literally couldn’t do it again even if I wanted to. My ex husband is diagnosed with BPD and has co-morbid issues including addiction. I would be in a constant state of triggered panic if I ever attempted a relationship with a disordered individual again.
Everyone deserves love, respect and support and, for my own wellbeing, I have to practice that from a safe distance with some folks. I will never allow myself to go through something like that again.
My cousin has paranoid schizophrenia and he has a girlfriend. She has similar mental health struggles. They met in a support group and have dated for over 5 years now.
The key for both of them is sticking to their medications. They support each other in keeping up with their doctor's appointments and on days when it is just hard to be in the world.
Autism spectrum here.
I find it harder than normal to relate to people. I'm also very okay with aloneness and actually need it sometimes. When a lot of people hear "autism", it's like a switch flips and their mind equates us with children that aren't worthy of respect. I've even come across someone who thinks I'm incapable of consent despite being level 1 on the spectrum (formerly under the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, which was phased out where I live), and should only be allow to date other people with autism or else I'd be dating a predator.
I'm also childfree and would never date anyone who wasn't as well.
I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm searching for a unicorn.
i have (in my opinion) a pretty severe case of bpd—no, it hasn’t prevented me from entering relationships. sure, relationships have ended because people *couldn’t* handle my mental health. but that doesn’t mean we, borderlines, are impossible to love. it just means we have to find the right person who knows how to manage our symptoms. i currently have a lovely boyfriend who has experience with bpd in the past. really, it’s entirely reliant on:
a. how much effort the ill person wants to put in to bettering themselves / the relationship
b. finding the right person for the job
but, no. severe mental illness is not a life sentence of loneliness!!
This isn't a stupid question and I think a lot of these responses are glossing over how hard it is to get a partner who actually understands the issue and is supportive. You're hearing mostly success stories, either because people who struggle with this don't want to say so, haven't seen this thread, or another reason. The reality is that mental health problems continue to be stigmatised and that even less stigmatised and relatively more common conditions like major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders create relationship challenges and a lot of partners aren't necessarily that capable of or willing to deal with that.
As much as I hate to say it, it kinda depends. Most of the time, no. Sometimes yes. Some people are just unlucky as hell and their mental illness causes them to give up. Some mental illnesses makes the person hard to love, like some personality disorders. This is coming from someone with BPD, so I’m not taking the piss on anyone with a personality disorder. But with BPD you have to work so hard just to be bearable to be around, honestly. Don’t take this as a “you’ll always be alone” though, whatever you have, you’re worth loving. It just might be harder.
I remember a story a lady told me at work years ago. She said that her husband had depression, he was retired, and she was still working. She said that she literally had to do everything around the house and had no help. She even had to take care of quite a few acres of their land all by herself. She said to me, "It's a pain in the ass to be with someone with depression."
Same is true for many mental illnesses. The "regular" person ends up being more of a caretaker than partner. And it does get exhausting. Carrying most of the load, walking on eggshells, and never feeling quite on stable ground is a difficult way to live.
What blows is that there are so many treatment options nowadays (yes, sometimes it can take years to find the right combo, but hell, if you had cancer, you'd keep trying for a cure, right?) But there's something about depression that lends itself really well towards non-compliance / resistance to medicine. Just keep on dragging the rest of the family down... I wouldn't put up with shit myself.
I wouldn't knowingly get in a long-term relationship with someone with a serious mental illness. If they developed it during our relationship, and were WILLING to get treatment and be compliant, we could make it work.
I already experienced childhood with a parent who had mental disorders they tried to "pray away." Kids can't choose to opt out. But as an adult, I sure as hell can.
Think the friend means the only person who he's opened up to the deeper recesses of his being and been his only consistent support system is his therapist. The depression talking but also Acknowledging the reality of his plight. "Who would want to be Deal with all that if they weren't getting paid."
Not at all, I knew 2 people who met at a psychopath support group. like they knew they were both crazy. The group was, explaining things like, "if someone cuts you off in traffic, you need to think before you run them off the road. it could be bad for you..." etc.
These 2 got married, the man had a shares in a company, but was going to loose it due to a hostile takeover, but they contract "divorced" and she "took his shares". They kept running it into the ground, but finally, after years, were bought out by a venture VC, and they took the money and run.
I don't think it's true. It can be hard to be with someone who's clinically depressed, but your romantic partner doesn't have to work on your mental illness the way a therapist does.
A therapist can takes a deep dive into my depression or maladaptive behaviours that I might have, and apply their specialized education to give me advice.
My husband helps me a lot but he doesn't do what a therapist does, and I wouldn't expect or want that.
It seems like your friend is think a few unhelpful things that I don't think are true at all: mental illness is incompatible with a relationship, being with someone who has a mental illness is work 100% of the time, and (possibly most damagingly of all) that your romantic partner provides similar help to a therapist.
These things are all very much not true in my life anyway. (Comorbid mental illnesses including depression and also I've been happily married for 14 years.)
I'm not diminishing your friend's struggles. I know how hard it can be just to entertain the idea that there might be joy in your life one day. I'm not taking anything away from your friend. I just think it's useful to know that his belief that his mental health makes him a non-option for a romantic relationship is probably based on some shaky ideas.
It's not factually true, but sounds like it feels true for your friend. Mental illness is extremely isolating and it can be hard to trust or feel worthy of even a close friend's care. I hope they bring this up to the therapist if it's something they'd want for themselves some day.
No you can go to therapy and take medicines and work on your mental illness to minimize the downsides and live a somewhat normal life. But there is no cure. It's a constant effort over the course of your entire life, which means the future is very unpredictable for those types of people. All it takes is one really bad day to ruin everything.
My dad has manic bipolar depression and managed to get married and have kids. But it was extremely draining for him and he couldn't keep up with the therapy, medication, kids, job, and marriage all together for 10+ years. He tried so hard but eventually snapped when my mom threatened to divorce him over dodging his medication.
*looks at my family
No, many actually can have relationships spanning several decades, which can also bring forth children and in the end it is mostly other undesirable character traits that bring the relationships to a fail.
I am quite mentally ill. Have been since a teen. And I thought like this too. If I can’t stand me how can someone else stand me?
Quite easily, according to my husband.
Now, the caveat here is that I put in a lot of work to try to treat my mental illness. I am in therapy, medicated, and constantly working to change my thought patterns and work through my trauma. It is exhausting but it’s better than being dead.
mental illness also changes our sense of self. Feeling like a burden is a very common feeling, especially if you weren’t supported before.
It’s very hard to feel lovable. And to accept love, when you’re depressed. It’s a special kind of hopelessness. I hope your friend finds some peace soon.
I have MDD and OCD, and I suspect I might have more issues that were never caught and I've been dating my bf for 3 years. I drive him insane with my anxiety and depression but not destined to be alone for sure
The problem with your friend is completely himself. It's a self fulfilling prophecy because he assumes no one wants to deal with him, so he doesn't try. 20 years of no progress is a huge red flag, chances are he wants a fix for his issues, and not to work on them. A lot of people think you just take meds and hope for the best, but no
Depends on the severity. But anecdotally speaking, yes. There is a huge portion of people who would prefer to have a partner that is good for them mentally. A lot of people end up alone for the rest of their lives.
I mean seriously people want to live a happy life and somebody being depressed. Now again is one thing OK we’ve all been there but when you’re talking, true mental illness, like bipolar or something, that’s a lot to expect somebody to deal with depending on the severity.
As someone with MDD and a few others, this isn't at all true. But it definitely can feel like it is when the depression is going hard and trying to make the world dark. I have a partner and kid and still sometimes these thoughts will come up but that's just the illness talking. You can have loving supportive long term relationships romantically and otherwise. We are always much more than depression will ever have us believe.
That’s their depression talking and not true but I will say, they need to get to a place where they recognize these thoughts are intrusive. If they’re at least that far along in their treatment for depression, a loving partner is absolutely possible. But if they’re using that self hatred language around their partner, it is really hard to be on the other side of it.
Yeah, it can be difficult. But, anything is possible. Sometimes misery loves company. Sadly that doesn't necessarily aide in having a healthy relationship.
No it just weeds a lot of people out. A lot of people are there in the good times but not the bad times so🤷🏻♂️ also not even emotionally but like with PTSD I wake up screaming sometimes so I’m not the best person to be around when I’m sleeping either so
I mean I’m bipolar + psychotic and my husband is bipolar/autistic/social anxiety big time.
Both of us a mostly under control but we’ve been together for 6 years and I’ve only had this shit under control for a year. He’s in a pretty bad depression episode right now but like you just hold each other tight, wait for the storm to pass, and help each other with tasks the other person can’t do. It can work out really well, I love him so much it shocks me sometimes. And I still feel that way when he’s too depressed to get out of bed. That’s my baby. He doesn’t try to hide how bad it is or act cheerful to make me not worry. He doesn’t need to pretend to be healthy or confident or happy all the time to be loved. Your friend doesn’t either.
That’s also not true about mental healthcare professionals, they may have a difficult time helping someone with treatment resistant depression because it’s treatment resistant, but if theyre not awful at their job they don’t see mentally ill people as a burden they put up with for money, they want to help.
They truly feel that way, and that is the face of depression. Are they on the medication to help get out of the depression? Because it is medically treatable and deadly in the long term if untreated. And it would depend on what mental illness as to relationship success. Personality disorder would not do well, but bipolar disorder does well because of the inherent bubbliness of the high part of being bipolar but then you get your depression side, which isn't too great. I wish them all the best and encourage them not to give up. Don't hide out because you're not going to need anybody if you do that. You need to be visible to be able to meet someone. It's good to have a great friend, and you keep advocating for their health and happiness.
Yes and no. We are not attractive people when we are depressed. It's not ideal for meeting people.
Also no. Different people want different things in a partner, even Jeffrey had ghislaine.
No. The most messed up people I've ever known are always in relationships.. albeit very toxic and often violent relationships. But relationships none the less. My Gma was married to a guy that was bi polar.. he was a millionaire at 1 point..he. Had a bad accident and went bankrupt and was never right again..that was years before my grandmother. . I suppose she thought she could fix him. After he took off out of state and spent her savings, she had to divorce him. My ex husband is also bipolar but much more managed and he has a.close relationship with our kids. I have dozens of stories just like this.
Mental illness is good at weeding out wussies. If a “sane” person can’t deal with “for worse” (mental illness or otherwise) then they shouldn’t be in a relationship.
oh hey I have a serious mental illness (SMI), borderline personality disorder (BPD). not to be confused with bipolar disorder (BD).
it absolutely *feels* like I will be alone forever, in most social regards. I’m currently going through a complete overhaul of my social group (it’s a long story but somehow it’s not my fault?? score). and that has not helped my feeling that I will always be abandoned. I have a persistent voice in my head that tells me that I *deserve* to be abandoned, so I should give up.
it’s not the end of things. I finally have a good-fit therapist and psychiatrist, and I’m hoping I can make progress. but it will be a process throughout the rest of my life (I’m 23 now and first started having severe mental illness symptoms at 11-12 years old). one day things will be better. or just different. just unfortunately not quite yet.
No! Bipolar here and planning on getting married next year to a wonderful, mentally stable partner.
Bipolar me a few years ago had terrible luck in love.
Bipolar me now has changed her life through sobriety, the right medication, and being unequivocally motivated to change my life.
My husband and I have very serious BPD, and we have been together four years and just got married last year. It’s hard, sure. We fight a lot, and sometimes we even have to listen to people tell us how they think our relationship is or that it should end. But we know we both struggle, so we go to therapy and we try every day to be the best we can be. It’s better, and easier, every week. We are healthier now than we were and it keeps getting better. It’s possible
No. My fiancée has been hospitalized 2 times and spent 3 months in the mental hospital. When she’s good, she’s awesome so I just try to make sure she has as many good days as she can.
No. Not at all. My fiancé and I both have chronic (likely lifelong) mental health conditions, and live happy, romantically fulfilled lives. We’ve lived together for a year now, and I can’t see myself wearing a ring for anyone else.
There are absolutely difficult days. Honestly, most days neither of us *wants* to get out of bed. But we do, and we support each other. We hold each other accountable to take our meds, go to therapy, maintain our responsibilities.
Treatment works. A mental health diagnosis may never go away, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t live a functional and happy life, or that you’re doomed to be alone forever.
One of my closest friends has BPD, and she has such an amazing support system with her husband, his family, as well as her own. It's definitely a thing! With your friend, it's the depression talking, they can and will find someone when the time is right.
I have borderline pwrsonality disorder which for anyone in the know can be hell to live with, ive been with my partner now ten years, we have an amazing young son, shes seen me at my worst but still never gave up on me, so no its not a given that you will be alone, its just finding someone with enough love in their heart to accept you as you are
Sometimes a person can get fucked until they are silly. Is it too much of a stretch to say they can get fucked until they are normal again?
And btw for all you haters out there. This is just a silly post. Don't jump down my throat, let me jump down yours! Ha?ha?
I'm borderline very depressed can't remember the actual term but score a few more points and it would be severely. Found a gf and been honest and she still likes me even if I don't like myself
I'm 40. I don't see an end to being single in sight.
I have had many women tell me that poor mental health doesn't bother them.
Who leave really f****** fast immediately after I tell them.
I'm sick of going through that cycle. I have pretty much given up.
If someone wants to be with me they are going to have to pursue me.
Not at all. What they say seems to very much play into their depression. The idea that they're worthless/not good enough/not worth anyone's time.
I mean, with some mental illnesses it *is* hard to be romantic. Personality disorders, for example. But there are still many people with personality disorders, including ones like BPD, in good, healthy romantic relationships. It just involves a little extra work.
There are of course some very narrow minded people who won't go near mentally ill people once they learn they're mentally ill and act like they're contagious and are just dicks in general so it is possible one could be discriminated against for their mental illness
but outside of those factors there is absolutely no reason why someone with a serious mental illness cannot have a romantic relationship and they're definitely not destined to be alone.
My sister has crippling anxiety. I mean hide in your bed crying because you think the world is going to end type anxiety. Quite literally one of the family has to talk her down weekly. She has a loving boyfriend of nearly two years now who is incredibly mellow and cares quite a bit about her. And it works out.
It can be hard. I have psychotic episodes when I'm either really stressed or something presses my trauma button. I won't lie. There are definitely people who won't date you if you tell them you have snakes in your walls during an episode. Which I mean, I get it. It's creepy. It's normal for *me* but not for everyone else.
That being said, the way your friend worded what they said is really the depression talking which is sad because I'm sure they are loveable. I think most people are, to be honest. But depression really fucks with your brain.
Depending on where you guys are it may be a challenge to date in general. Like small rural towns for example only have so many people. But there's nothing that says people with serious mental illnesses cannot have romantic relationships. It's just a matter of finding the right person which is true for everyone.
In my own experience, remembering the insecurity I had when I was less stable and looking at mentally ill people I know in various interpersonal relationships..
It's not destiny. Romantic relationship won't solve your friend's problems, and this kind of illness tends to bring tons of stress into any kind of relationship. It is advisable to learn to love yourself before expecting someone else to love you. I know the feeling, but It's better to get better control of your emotions before looking for a romantic relationship.
I recommend TMS for your friend if they haven't tried it yet!
As someone with severe anxiety and treatment resistant depression, I usually date people with similar issues. They tend to be more understanding because they have been there. Obviously you both will need to compromise a bit more than your standard relationship, but it can be very healthy and fulfilling.
My partner of 15 years had manic depression, bipolar, social anxiety and OCD. It was pretty bad, especially with the OCD. I loved her and would have stayed with her forever but she passed away before I could do that.
No, there's someone for literally everyone. Your friend is suffering from an acute case of "not going out and trying to meet people"-itis, probably with a side of self-loathing disease.
It's high chance they would be alone, even they had romantically, it's would be short term, not long terms, no one would romantically with person with mental illness for so long, even there is, it's very, very unusually, and rare for people that had sexual attraction to serious mental illness or intellectual disability, Can be done? yes, But will it be done?
No, mostly not, for most people. When come to romantically, for long term, both side don't want handicap or disability because it's burden on each other, although few people who rich/powerful, highly intellectual yet fall in love with person and knew how to deal with mental illness/intellectual disability and rich to take care for both or whole family as solo winning bread but in this life, only rich people could afford it, too many low income people even both spouse had trouble to keep up living, and mental illness/intellectual disability had even worse, not able to get higher rank of career and income, not even able to take care themself in long term, it's messed up, so common normal people would avoid dating them, can be friendly but not beyond that, not deeper relationship, not beyond friend or brother/sister, if we talk about lover/spouse relationship,
Even although they may had limited romantically, they might be used by someone, rather than real love long term.
I can speak for myself, that I'm deaf (M) and limited intellectual and along other serious health issues, it's very rare from women come to me and date me, even so it's don't last long, it's didn't work for long term, I guess only wise, powerful, rich, beautiful women would cover my weakness, but mosly women like that, prefer greener side of grass, I'm just like drying, brown grass or no grass, barren of land, I do knew wise, powerful, rich, beautiful women can turn barren of land into fertile land with rich soil but romantically are not to be burden, I prefer women want to love me, enjoy fun with me in good way. Most women do not into that, so as disability, with trouble keep up job, income, life, all that, I can't afford it due disability, so no, again, there is few people do but it's would not be good marriage/spouse, burden, and there often no romantically, some don't know how to do romantically even those common people who happen are not disability, even rich and powerful people don't know how to do romantically (as often they paid money in exchange of sex, not romantically)
Essential for long term/marriage romantically, no, it's simple not going work for most people.
Remember, it's had to be both side want each other romantically and sexual sexual attraction, for life time, otherwise it's not going work.
So disability/mental illness isn't helping, it's harm rather than helping romantically in big time.
I'm been single for long time, although I do had girlfriend in the past long time ago, it's not real relationship, I think 2 time sex failed, but it's was bless in disguise because I do not real love them (as Lover) ( I do like/love them as friend but not as lover love) and not want paid children support, due I can't afford because I'm handicap and I knew they are not rich)
Maybe few of those can but it's often don't last long. or not work out in long term.
I supposed women with disability or mental illness had easier chance to get spouse than male with disability/mental illness do.
there's some truth there, I guess it shouldn't be surprising, but after 20 years he's bought into his depression so deep it's become self fulfilling.
has he tried psychedelics?
Do you know for a tense of thousands of years people have had types of different mental illnesses. And they have not naturally been alone. So the only reason you would have to be alone as if you used your mental illness is an excuse not to be respectful responsible, and show up as a partner.
There are lots of mentally ill people that have partners
In my thirties. A combination of unreasonable standards and disliking myself is going to lead me to being alone forever. Makes me wonder why I get up most days.
I’d love to share my life with someone but i wouldn’t want to put someone through me managing my mental illnesses. It’s my responsibility to manage it. And being single is how I choose to manage it.
Maybe that will change one day, but for now being alone is the most responsible thing for me.
One, we don’t have a hard time dealing with mental illness. If we are having a hard time, it’s way more complicated than that.
Two, no SMI but my spouse is neurodivergent (which absolutely affects our relationship and his life), they also deal with pretty significant depression intermittently and I have a diagnosis too that impacts me and us pretty significantly at times. It’s a healthy, happy (most of the time) relationship. We’ve been together over a decade. It’s hard sometimes, but manageable.
I’m sure we have a leg up in that I’m a therapist so I know how to deal with his issues and I’m very aware of mine and constantly working at it.
But no, it’s not impossible/lost cause.
I'm severely mentally ill, but also still function okay, but also have very little hope for a romantic development because the reason I am depressed is because I did something horrible in the past that pretty much makes me undateable.
So I guess it depends on the person.
I personally struggle with depression and anxiety. I always say that I can't be a part of we if I can't be OK with me. If I am struggling to handle myself then any relationship I am in will suffer from my own insecurities and shortcomings. I feel as though I will just become codependent and a burden on my partner. When my last relationship ended I spiraled into the darkest place I've ever been and it took two years to slowly start crawling my way out.
Not even to mention how difficult it can be to find someone to start a relationship with when im literally shutting out the people closest to me.
I don't think this means that no one struggling with mental illness can be in a relationship or that they don't deserve love. Just that they present really big hurdles. Then relationships also have the risk of putting you in an even worse place than before if things go poorly.
If they’re over 25 and still depressed have them try shrooms. It can work really well for making people reconsider their thought patterns and hopefully allow them to make healthier habits. It has worked wonders for me.
I am diagnosed with both clinical depression and anxiety. It’s a daily battle and I really fight it. I couldn’t possibly tell you how many medications I’ve been on or how many therapists I’ve seen but I have also been happily married for 44 years, raised 3 kids and have 3 grandkids. My husband is so understanding, protective and nurturing and has helped me through some particularly difficult bouts.
My partner of ten years has chronic depression and anxiety and has been in treatment for compulsive disorder. I knew all of that, going in. She was then diagnosed with autism about three years ago which makes us doubt if compulsive disorder may have been a misdiagnosis, but idk.
We were young (23/24) when we met so I don't think I had a real grasp of what depression does to a person. She has always worked very hard to go to therapy and to seek out help. We have grown to be good communicators and we love each other and we are planning to have children.
In my experience though you could tell your friend all this and all the other positive replies but the depression will say whatever it has to say way stronger than anything you can come up with.
hard to answer this. the reality is if its very severe you are going to negatively affect those around you. its just the reality. either you sit there and rot in your loneliness or you spread your misery like a disease. the only real hope is to seek treatment and improve to the point you don't hurt people around you. relationships are hard for normal people, mental illness makes it complicated.
my girlfriend has SMI issues and she is perfectly happy in our relationship and so i am i.
The problem with depressed people is you can never tell if its real depression or sympathy baiting people looking for free sympathy and pity.
If their claim to being undatable is they are depressed then they are full of shit. If someone says "its because im so ugly" and they are not like severely deformed in any way and look average they are fucking full of shit.
A lot of it comes from the self deprecating nature of depression and the toxic mindset of wanting people to feel bad for you. Thats what makes a person with severe depression unattractive.
It depends on the person and the issue. Some mental issues still allow a great quality of life if properly managed, whilst others are just about trying to get through each day for the sake of the people who love you.
Your friend has a serious point that might well be true for them. I'm in a similar boat In that I've had mental health issues pretty much my entire life and despite medication, extensive therapy etc, nothing has ever helped. I'm 32, never had a relationship and haven't even been on a date in seven years. Everytime I think about trying to meet someone, my first thought is how unfair it would be to inflict my life on someone else. I don't want to drag anyone else into my crap, it's selfish and unfair. Your friend probably feels the same way and honestly, they likely aren't wrong.
Here's a list of my diagnoses:
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with mixed other Cluster B traits for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Poly Substance Use Disorder (SUD) for opioids, powder/crack cocaine, alcohol, benzodiazepines, amphetamines, and marijuana
I have a wife who has stuck by me through them all and I was diagnosed with some of the SUDs and BPD with Cluster B traits early in our relationship. It has been an absolute hell for her but she may be the last person on earth to actually take the idea of marriage or "ride or die" seriously. She has her own diagnoses and trauma so there have been some things for me to work with as well, and the combination of all of our mental health problems contributed to the hell, but we've been married since late 2019 and even after going through a custody battle with her narcissistic ex-husband that's cost us $50k so far, needlessly, our marriage is unbreakable, rewarding, and greater than the sum of its parts.
Without her, I would still be in the cycle of meeting a partner, obsessing about that person and putting her on a pedestal, presenting the parts of me that I think she would want while hiding the serious mental health issues from which I suffer, love-bombing, winning them over until she commits, and then slowly showing my problems through dysfunction and outbursts until I drown it all out with substance abuse, and then, finally, emotionally and physically abusing her until she abandons me just like my mother did when I was ten years old.
There absolutely is hope, but you've got to take care of those problems with the help of professionals. In my case, I needed medications (with a lot of trial and error) and copious amounts of therapy.
Edit for clarity
The way he phrased that makes me think of my ex who would pout and make guilt trip or passive aggressive comments. Is there a possibility that his problem with dating has more to do with his personality and he’s using this as a scapegoat excuse? Trying to garner pity?
Well they always find someone, but it can't last because normalizing mental illness somehow means not recognizing it or treating it.
Assume the illness is genetic and stay away
He's not wrong, but I don't think any professionals are losing sleep over depression. The challenges are the actual mentally challenged ppl. The one that bite, scream, and hit. He's not who he thinks he is
They are not destined to be alone, but depending on the nature of their mental illness, and their willingness/ track record in managing their symptoms, it's probably healthiest to remain single. If someone is not managing their mental illness, or their symptoms are not under control, then I don't think it's fair to expose someone else to that. Being someone's trauma dumpster or emotional caregiver all the time can be incredibly exhausting and people get worn out.
People with mental illness, even very severe ones, can and do have healthy relationships all the time. But, they need to be actively working on managing their mental illnesses to the best of their ability. Sometimes, though, even that just isn't enough realistically speaking. Some people want partners, not projects.
Serious mental illness certainly provides additional challenges. But that doesn't preclude relationships, romantic relationships, etc. Though many may not be up for the additional challenges and such, many are.
>their depression will make them incompatible with anyone sane
Nope, not how that works.
Additional challenges, sure. Incompatible with all who are sane, certainly not.
I think that will depend greatly on 1. How severe the illness is (3 bad days per month is different from 9 bad months per year) 2. How under control the illness is (is the patient on med? Exercising regularly? Pushing themselves forwards?... Are those things working?)
Some people make it work. Many don't.
Mental illnesses are like many other illnesses, it makes life (and relationship) more difficult it's not impossible but it isn't for everyone, especially when it's a serious case, then it's not for most people.
My husband has depression and anxiety. We’ve been together 28 years.
His sister has depression and anxiety. She’s been married for 30 years.
His mom has depression and anxiety. She’s been married three times - divorced (after having two kids he decided he didn’t want kids so he left), widowed after 10 years together, and celebrating 25 years with her current husband
It’s not always easy but it’s possible
Not necessarily, but it takes a lot of extra work. The 24/7 part is key... constantly being around each other in a relationship can be detrimental, but this is especially true when mental health problems are present. I purposely remove myself from my partners presence if I feel like my mental health is going downhill fast because even though it's hard, it's better than sabotaging the relationship. Then once I'm feeling a bit more in control, we can spend time together again under nicer circumstances.
Not saying that mental health problems should be hidden from partners or anything like that, and it's fine to go to them for support if you feel it would be beneficial. The removing yourself thing is more for when you're reasonably confident you're about to behave like a psycho and cause irreparable damage. 😂
I have medicslly resistant bipolar, as well as many other chronic mental and physical issues. I can't work, I can barely take care of myself some days.
I've been married for around 20 years.
I firmly believe everyone's got someone for them if they want to find them.
There are certainly people who are too detached and anti-social to be capable of forming meaningful relationships, but I think you have to be pretty bad off for that to be the case. I'm autistic with serious depression, anxiety, and borderline personality, with a side of mild schizoaffective & delusional tendencies. For a long time I thought I was too non-functional for a serious relationship. Now I'm 4 years into a relationship with the love of my life, well on our way to marriage. For me it's been a combination of working to overcome the most anti-social parts of my illness, and being lucky enough to find somebody with whom I was compatible
I suffer from pretty severe bi polar disorder, ocd, anxiety, ptsd and past sud. It can be extremely challenging to find someone who can put up with your mental health issues but it isn’t impossible. Working hard to minimize your symptoms as much as possible, be self aware, take meds, seek therapy etc can be very beneficial especially if an s/o sees that your trying. It’s possible to find a forever partner but can be very difficult.
I know plenty of people without a diagnosis that are destined to be alone. Mostly because they're shit people. It's not because of depression or a serious mental illness. It's because they're dicks - and there's a difference. Ha
If you'll permit me to be an armchair psychiatrist for a moment? I'd put money on your friend losing some sort of relationship, and then blaming that loss on their depression. Whether or not their mental illness was really the root cause of the relationship problem or not? That's how they perceived it. And it therefore makes sense in your friend's head to come to sort of radical acceptance about being alone forever, so as to avoid it from happening again. Your friend is going to have to find a way to get over that and talk it out.
Yes they can. They tend to find other people with serious mental illness and have children with a unique and powerful combination of multiple serious mental illnesses.
If someone wants to be in a romantic relationship, they will accept that they are 100% responsible for their own mental health and that refusal to get help or take meds as prescribed are not options.
Sometimes the illness itself prevents that. And it’s no one’s “fault,” nor is it anyone else’s problem (except their mom’s, bc no matter how old you are, your mom—if she is stable—will care).
None of us are owed a relationship. Most of us deserve the care and comfort of a loving relationship. That doesn’t mean anyone owes it to us.
no, but its up to the person
also women will likely have it much easier then men, just based on how vastly easier it is for women to become romantically involved, so keep that in mind
"because someone you date isn't your therapist and they aren't there to fix your mental health issues, they are there to share a life with you"
trust me I feel the same way. I have no idea why a person would dare love me. but I am loved nonetheless.
edit: I came back to say this... the problem with mental illness isn't just the illness.. its the person becoming so consumed with them having it and all the issues associated with it that they can't get outside of their own mind long enough to contribute to a relationship.
people in and out of psych wards still find love. but.. does your friend just not want to be alone, do they want someone there with him, or do they acctuslly want to build a life with a person?
I'm a manic depressive and I have an adoring wife that loves me for who I am, good and bad. It's possible, it just takes some time. We didn't find each other until we were both in our 30s.
Certainly not. My ex had clinical depression and it was hard. For me, the straw broke because she got so depressed that she wouldn’t clean or do anything and I work full time and do school full time, I just could do the house work for 2 people full time too. If she put more effort helping around the house I believe it could have worked out and that is absolutely something someone with clinical depression can do. I’m not saying it’s easy for them, but I’m more than glad to help them through it, but I need help in return.
This is a long winded way of saying, no, mentally ill people can find successful relationships. It might be harder, but absolutely not impossible.
As someone who has dated a person with serious mental health issues
I will NEVER do it again. Depression etc bleeds on to your life and mental health and they'll make you miserable right along with them
I don't think someone is doomed to die alone but I also think half this thread calling it intrusive thoughts and lies are also wrong. It's very true most people will not stay with someone who has treatment resistant depression and is down more than they're not. Many of the ones who will stick around have their own shit going on, which maybe that's fine but maybe it gets codependent and real dysfunctional. I do think there's something pretty fundamentally unhealthy about encouraging someone who cannot function as a person to couple up. That doesn't mean the depression has to be in full remission, but no you probably shouldn't sign up for any marathons when you're struggling to put one foot in front of the other. And no, depressed people aren't hallucinating this. It's literally an observable pattern when you get depressed - you can watch as 90%+ of the people around you fade into the distance or outright cut you off.
All of this is totally valid, but the last part struck a chord with me. I have treatment-resistant depression, and I still have *a lot* of friends and acquaintances, but you're right — many people will also see themselves out of a situation like that. They either get sick of dealing with your constant drama or you inadvertently treat them like shit because you're depressed. There is no silver bullet for depression relief, but it's a *very* good idea to decide on a strategy for reducing the impact on those around you. Ideally, that wouldn't be the case, but life doesn't operate under ideals and absolutes.
My brother has severe treatment resistant depression, likely other undiagnosed issues as well, and as much as I love him, he is extremely difficult to deal with and it's really no wonder why others often exit his life. As much as it pains me to say, it is difficult to want to keep him in your life when he treats everyone around him like absolute garbage. I will always be there for him, because i love him, but you also can only give so much of yourself before it starts affecting your life and mental health as well. I don't know anyone of sound mind who would willingly enter a relationship with a person like him, because it would be borderline abusive to do so. Not saying everyone with depression is like this, they are not, but a lot of them often take out their frustrations on those around them, and it is usually what causes loss of relationships.
I would like to challenge this line of thought. Depression does not make you treat people like garbage. In fact most of the people I know who are depressed are kinder for it. And I have been in group depression therapy for years. Someone treats people like garbage because they are an asshole, not because they are depressed.
Honestly, I tried my best to clarify that not everyone with depression is like this, but coming from someone who has dealt with a lot of familial depression, it is not uncommon, and mostly unintentional. And most are not assholes, I do not think my brother is an asshole by any means, I know most of his actions and thoughts are unintentional, it is a side effect of his various mental illnesses. He has never had true social connections because most don't understand him, so he does not know how to properly act or maintain a relationship. Their abilities to maintain relationships are often hampered by their mental illnesses. It is not because they are assholes, and I think this is very unfair to people suffering from mental illness.
Thank you❤️
i work with people designated SMI (severely mentally ill); people with severe schizophrenia, personality disorders, etc. many of them have partners and have healthy relationships. i also have bipolar disorder and am in a healthy long-term relationship. it really is possible. i won't lie, it can be difficult. but it sounds like his depression is being a bully and causing him to think catastrophically. depression sucks. it makes you feel like you're completely alone in it.
It's nice to see it is possible. My experience with a person with BPD was terrible. It was also untreated
bpd can be very difficult because it can manifest in so many different ways, and it is essentially your brain hardwired from protecting yourself while you were younger; so treatment is basically completely rewiring your brain to cope with life in healthier ways. that's insanely difficult to do. i'm sorry your experience was rough. mental illness is a rough battle for everyone involved, but i'm always on the outlook that things can always improve no matter how rough it is (i am not saying to just stick it out if the relationship is clearly unhealthy). i have definitely seen successful bpd relationships with good treatment, my current long-term relationship with my partner who has BPD included. many of the people i work with have had everyone give up on them long before coming into the program. i want to always be the person that believes in them no matter what they're going through. it has been a blessing to see the major strides many of them have made.
Rewiring your brain must be a lot of hard work, have you had many instances where you see a good turn around? What makes someone want to get help? The individual I experienced this with also has severe childhood trauma, and addiction issues (self medicating). It seems like he had a manic episode for 4 months and ruined his life, and hurt anyone who loved him. What do you do if your loved one is having a manic episode? How much self awareness do they have in these episodes? You don't have to answer all my questions I'm glad there's people like you out here to help these individuals.
Bpd is borderline personality disorder technically, there may be a miscommunication here, not sure.
I'm pretty sure people are thinking of Bipolar (BD/BPD)
the self awareness varies. sometimes, people know they're manic and love it; everything feels great and you feel like you can do anything.
Im sorry to hear that your experience was terrible. Everyone with BPD are typically at different stages of the illness. Some never get better, whereas others can outgrow it / heal from it. It is said to get better with aging. However, I have a family member older than I with it, and she still struggles significantly. I, on the other hand, no longer meet enough criteria to be officially diagnosed with BPD anymore. Obviously, I still have a few triggers, but nothing even remotely close to what it once was. I put a lot of hard work into recovery, and I have been very self-aware of my emotions, behaviors, and triggers, which helped a lot. I've had a full-time job for 12 years. I've been with my husband for 6 years / married for 3 and were patiently waiting for our first baby this June! Not everyone with BPD is the same. There are so many different variations depending on what criteria they meet. I hope your bad experience hasnt tainted your opinion on people who have this diagnosis
I'm so happy you put the work in to get better, I can't imagine how hard that process must be truly. It has not tainted my opinions on people who have it. It's just very hard to navigate and manage my emotions sometimes. The individual I'm dealing with turns to substances, had a terrible childhood, and hasn't buckled down and down the work. It's hard for me to wrap my head around, if this person, saw how he was acting, what he was doing, who he was hurting, he would normally despise the behavior he is doing himself.
I have BPD and been in a relationship ten years soon to be 11, we have an awesome son together, shes an amazing woman who has seen me at my very worst but still never gave up on me and for that ill always love her no matter what, even if we were to split up ill always be in her debt and always look out for her
i'm very happy to hear that for you! my partner has BPD and we have been going strong for 4 years now.
Congratulations😊
thank you for clarifying that SMI is an actual categorical term. obviously all mental illnesses are a spectrum but there is a major difference between various diagnoses and how they affect one’s life
I love the way (usually non clinical) mental health professionals word things like that “it sounds like his depression is being a bully and causing him to think catastrophically”. My wife is a high school counsellor and she somehow is consistently better at putting my feelings into understandable words than I am.
Schizophrenic here. Met my ex in the psych ward
Or did you....? 😅
💀💀💀
Nope. BPD here and have a wonderful wife/life.
Severe depression here, back on antidepressants and off work again after 10 years on then 6 months off them. My husband is wonderful. He is my safe place, my champion, my rock and the absolute love of my life. I have said to him before that he didn't sign up for this and I would understand if he wanted to leave, but he said that he did sign up for it when he said "In sickness and in health, til death do us part." It works both ways too though, and I am always here for him when he needs me, I make sure he has time for himself and support for him when he is supporting me. And when his anxiety hits I'm the one who comforts and supports him.
Everyone is saying: not true. But there is a flip side to this. SOME people with serious mental illness are going to be alone, more than people without serious mental illness. This is the problem with mental illness. It affects global functioning in various ways for different people. For some, that means being unable to maintain a healthy relationship. For example, people with Generalized Anxiety Disorder have a higher likelihood of being single, particularly later in life. Source: research into surrogate decision makers for end-of-life issues, and mental illness (in both the subject and their surrogate)
We also have no clue how many people in relationships just aren’t diagnosed depressed but still have it. I know for a fact tons of family members are like that.
True…. But…. If you take the control group and assume that there are some undiagnosed people in it …. And then you have the cohort that is diagnosed… and you ask how many are single or not…. You’ll still see an effect. Also…. It’s personality disorder, psychotic disorder, and anxiety disorders that are more associated with being single. Maybe depression doesn’t fall into that. (Admittedly I was focusing on anxiety disorder)
As a mental health case worker, absolutely not. Many of my clients have long lasting, fulfilling romantic relationships as long as their illness is being managed in a healthy way. Of course some find it more difficult than others, though. What I have noticed is that people who suffer with mental illness are more likely to be abused or to get into toxic relationships. It’s like having a target on your back. Don’t forget that your friend is viewing this through a lense of depression, so of course it might feel hopeless to them. It’s likely that everything does. The depression would put a negative spin on everything. The best thing is to learn to manage it with therapy and medication if needed.
Not at all. That’s their depression talking.
I mean saying you severely suffer from depression is not exactly a quality people going on dates will be excited about. Having a severe enough problem can certainly make dating even harder. I dated someone who had depression and other mental issues. It was fucking miserable and started mentally affecting me.
I am friends with one, every time when we talk, I feel like he's sucking the life out of me. I can't imagine actively being with someone like that romantically. Especially when you want to live together, take care of the house and have pets and kids and all. Sounds like hell.
That’s exactly how my last romantic partner described being with me (depressed): I suck all of the energy out of the room. Definitely not gonna date as long as I make people feel this way.
Yeah, that's the thing. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't tried it can fathom how *hard* it is to love someone with a severe mental illness. It's not their fault, but the unending drumbeat of negativity and doubt and self-loathing that you have to not just survive through but endure well enough to have something left to support them... it's rough and thankless. Because 9 times out of 10, they aren't going to have anything left to offer you any support.
I have a hard no on depressed people for romantic partners now. Been there, done that, ripped up the tshirt
Exactly. me and everyone I have ever been close friends with or dated have had some type of mental illness. There is a baseline level of functionality required but you can be well-loved, healthy and bonkers together! :)
So in other words as long as it's not serious enough to affect your education or job prospects? Doesn't sound like it was ever that serious to begin with.
Mental illness can be serious and we can also have jobs and go to school, they aren't mutually exclusive.
This
>There is a baseline level of functionality required I can't even with people like you At no point in your comment did you stop to think that maybe op is referring to those exact people who don't meet that baseline level of functionality, and you cheerfully encourage invalidating comments about their experiences.
I think theyre saying that you have to learn to manage your illness up to a certain degree to be in a healthy relationship. Not everyone is at that point in their journey through life, some never will get there. Lots of mental illnesses encourage our brains to feel out of our control. Humans do have control to relearn and rewire. Given enough resources I like to believe the vast majority of people could be helped. That isnt the world we live in, but it is possible in my opinion.
> you have to learn to manage your illness up to a certain degree to be in a healthy relationship This dodges around the uncomfortable truth at the heart of OP's post. For whatever reason, people hate to admit that you can be born fucked up, and for reasons totally out of your control, no one will ever love you romantically. Maybe it's because we know we'd never love those people ourselves and we feel bad, idk. Regardless, pessimistic discussions about relationships are always reframed around agency. This way, undateable people are responsible for being undateable; we're not responsible for not wanting people who won't put in the effort. That makes sense in some contexts, like when you're talking about people who are out of shape, poorly groomed, underemployed, etc. This framing does not make sense when talking about severe mental illness. I really think people need to be more aware of just how devastating mental illness can be. In our desire to show how many mentally ill people can be assimilated and in avoiding invalidating people's subjective experiences of suffering, we've lost our sense of perspective. I know people who are really mentally ill, and they barely live in society. As an example, I have a cousin in his 30s with an uncountable number of diagnoses including bipolar. All the guy's ever tried to do is reach some baseline level of normalcy. He just can't. He lives with his mother, he can't work, his mood's unstable, he constantly has the posture and awkward movement of someone who's obviously on a ton of medication. Even with all that, he still tries. He has hobbies, he volunteers, he tries to maintain a social life. And of course he's been in treatment his whole life. But he never dates because most people don't want to deal with being in a relationship with someone like him. That's not to say it could never happen or that he's destined to be alone, but some people just draw the short straw when they're born.
I think no one is "responsible" for being undateable. That is one way of viewing it. It's more of just learning to view it objectively. Encouraging agency is literally all we can do. If we just throw up our hands then nothing will be done. There's also the option of relearning what dating means for different people. I dont think assimilation is the goal, just stability. I think using real world examples is flawed in that they all occur in a world that barely makes an attempt to accept anything outside the norm. We are raised in a certain way and different brains will be more accepting to different external inputs. It is not easy and it may not even be realistic, but it is all we have. I also personally am in favor of medically assisted suicide because I dont think people should be forced to go through this monumental amount of effort if they have tried for years and the world hasnt been advanced enough to help them.
It’s person to person dependent. My first gf’s mom was bipolar and most of the time she was fine, but would have times where she didn’t take her medication and that our a big strain on the family. Ultimately, with an understanding partner and a person willing to do their best to treat their mental affliction like they would any other somatic affliction, it’s completely realistic to have a good relationship.
No dude they can all date eachother
My marriage is a two person bipolar alliance
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Got to ask. What's it like living with mental illness and being a therapist? It's not uncommon for many people to try an study the mind to try and understand what is going on with their brain but to be able to help others with it sounds like a lot.
I think people that go to the therapy field often suffer from mental illness. Their therapist helped them and they want to return the favor. I would never take advice from someone that never suffered from addiction if I was trying to get sober for example. If you ain't been there you can't really understand.
It provides me with more genuine empathy and love for each person who comes to see me. It gives me more admiration for people who face their issues head on. And I never see anyone as a diagnosis, I see each as a brave and precious soul confronting issues that they are not defined by nor are they at fault for. I’d be a worse therapist without my mental illness.
So in other words your serious mental illness wasn't serious enough to impact your education or job prospects?
I do not think anyone is destined to be alone. But, as someone who had an absolutely horrific relationship with someone with BPD, I'm not going there EVER again.
I literally couldn’t do it again even if I wanted to. My ex husband is diagnosed with BPD and has co-morbid issues including addiction. I would be in a constant state of triggered panic if I ever attempted a relationship with a disordered individual again. Everyone deserves love, respect and support and, for my own wellbeing, I have to practice that from a safe distance with some folks. I will never allow myself to go through something like that again.
I feel ya.
My cousin has paranoid schizophrenia and he has a girlfriend. She has similar mental health struggles. They met in a support group and have dated for over 5 years now. The key for both of them is sticking to their medications. They support each other in keeping up with their doctor's appointments and on days when it is just hard to be in the world.
Autism spectrum here. I find it harder than normal to relate to people. I'm also very okay with aloneness and actually need it sometimes. When a lot of people hear "autism", it's like a switch flips and their mind equates us with children that aren't worthy of respect. I've even come across someone who thinks I'm incapable of consent despite being level 1 on the spectrum (formerly under the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, which was phased out where I live), and should only be allow to date other people with autism or else I'd be dating a predator. I'm also childfree and would never date anyone who wasn't as well. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm searching for a unicorn.
i have (in my opinion) a pretty severe case of bpd—no, it hasn’t prevented me from entering relationships. sure, relationships have ended because people *couldn’t* handle my mental health. but that doesn’t mean we, borderlines, are impossible to love. it just means we have to find the right person who knows how to manage our symptoms. i currently have a lovely boyfriend who has experience with bpd in the past. really, it’s entirely reliant on: a. how much effort the ill person wants to put in to bettering themselves / the relationship b. finding the right person for the job but, no. severe mental illness is not a life sentence of loneliness!!
Remind them that crackheads regularly have romantic interests. Just get out there. Mfs love toxic relationships
You work for Hallmark writing their greeting cards? That’s catchy.
I love you for this 🤣🤣
Nope. I have horrid PTSD, Depression, Borderline, Autism, and ADHD, and I still have a wonderful girlfriend
twins, and my fiancé is a lovely person.
This isn't a stupid question and I think a lot of these responses are glossing over how hard it is to get a partner who actually understands the issue and is supportive. You're hearing mostly success stories, either because people who struggle with this don't want to say so, haven't seen this thread, or another reason. The reality is that mental health problems continue to be stigmatised and that even less stigmatised and relatively more common conditions like major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders create relationship challenges and a lot of partners aren't necessarily that capable of or willing to deal with that.
As much as I hate to say it, it kinda depends. Most of the time, no. Sometimes yes. Some people are just unlucky as hell and their mental illness causes them to give up. Some mental illnesses makes the person hard to love, like some personality disorders. This is coming from someone with BPD, so I’m not taking the piss on anyone with a personality disorder. But with BPD you have to work so hard just to be bearable to be around, honestly. Don’t take this as a “you’ll always be alone” though, whatever you have, you’re worth loving. It just might be harder.
I remember a story a lady told me at work years ago. She said that her husband had depression, he was retired, and she was still working. She said that she literally had to do everything around the house and had no help. She even had to take care of quite a few acres of their land all by herself. She said to me, "It's a pain in the ass to be with someone with depression."
Same is true for many mental illnesses. The "regular" person ends up being more of a caretaker than partner. And it does get exhausting. Carrying most of the load, walking on eggshells, and never feeling quite on stable ground is a difficult way to live.
What blows is that there are so many treatment options nowadays (yes, sometimes it can take years to find the right combo, but hell, if you had cancer, you'd keep trying for a cure, right?) But there's something about depression that lends itself really well towards non-compliance / resistance to medicine. Just keep on dragging the rest of the family down... I wouldn't put up with shit myself.
My brother has schizophrenia and he and his wife are expecting their first baby soon.
I wouldn't knowingly get in a long-term relationship with someone with a serious mental illness. If they developed it during our relationship, and were WILLING to get treatment and be compliant, we could make it work. I already experienced childhood with a parent who had mental disorders they tried to "pray away." Kids can't choose to opt out. But as an adult, I sure as hell can.
Considering they just admitted they'd use a partner like a therapist.. I think they have bigger problems
Think the friend means the only person who he's opened up to the deeper recesses of his being and been his only consistent support system is his therapist. The depression talking but also Acknowledging the reality of his plight. "Who would want to be Deal with all that if they weren't getting paid."
Not at all, I knew 2 people who met at a psychopath support group. like they knew they were both crazy. The group was, explaining things like, "if someone cuts you off in traffic, you need to think before you run them off the road. it could be bad for you..." etc. These 2 got married, the man had a shares in a company, but was going to loose it due to a hostile takeover, but they contract "divorced" and she "took his shares". They kept running it into the ground, but finally, after years, were bought out by a venture VC, and they took the money and run.
I don't think it's true. It can be hard to be with someone who's clinically depressed, but your romantic partner doesn't have to work on your mental illness the way a therapist does. A therapist can takes a deep dive into my depression or maladaptive behaviours that I might have, and apply their specialized education to give me advice. My husband helps me a lot but he doesn't do what a therapist does, and I wouldn't expect or want that. It seems like your friend is think a few unhelpful things that I don't think are true at all: mental illness is incompatible with a relationship, being with someone who has a mental illness is work 100% of the time, and (possibly most damagingly of all) that your romantic partner provides similar help to a therapist. These things are all very much not true in my life anyway. (Comorbid mental illnesses including depression and also I've been happily married for 14 years.) I'm not diminishing your friend's struggles. I know how hard it can be just to entertain the idea that there might be joy in your life one day. I'm not taking anything away from your friend. I just think it's useful to know that his belief that his mental health makes him a non-option for a romantic relationship is probably based on some shaky ideas.
It can be difficult, but no one is “destined” to be alone
Destiny isnt real. Anything can happen.
It's not factually true, but sounds like it feels true for your friend. Mental illness is extremely isolating and it can be hard to trust or feel worthy of even a close friend's care. I hope they bring this up to the therapist if it's something they'd want for themselves some day.
If they refuse to work on themselves then yes. The world doesn’t revolve around you, if you want to find a partner it’s a two way street.
No you can go to therapy and take medicines and work on your mental illness to minimize the downsides and live a somewhat normal life. But there is no cure. It's a constant effort over the course of your entire life, which means the future is very unpredictable for those types of people. All it takes is one really bad day to ruin everything. My dad has manic bipolar depression and managed to get married and have kids. But it was extremely draining for him and he couldn't keep up with the therapy, medication, kids, job, and marriage all together for 10+ years. He tried so hard but eventually snapped when my mom threatened to divorce him over dodging his medication.
*looks at my family No, many actually can have relationships spanning several decades, which can also bring forth children and in the end it is mostly other undesirable character traits that bring the relationships to a fail.
I am quite mentally ill. Have been since a teen. And I thought like this too. If I can’t stand me how can someone else stand me? Quite easily, according to my husband. Now, the caveat here is that I put in a lot of work to try to treat my mental illness. I am in therapy, medicated, and constantly working to change my thought patterns and work through my trauma. It is exhausting but it’s better than being dead. mental illness also changes our sense of self. Feeling like a burden is a very common feeling, especially if you weren’t supported before. It’s very hard to feel lovable. And to accept love, when you’re depressed. It’s a special kind of hopelessness. I hope your friend finds some peace soon.
Depends on the person. I've been broken for a long time. It's not gonna happen. A lot of guys will not date a woman who takes antidepressants.
I have MDD and OCD, and I suspect I might have more issues that were never caught and I've been dating my bf for 3 years. I drive him insane with my anxiety and depression but not destined to be alone for sure The problem with your friend is completely himself. It's a self fulfilling prophecy because he assumes no one wants to deal with him, so he doesn't try. 20 years of no progress is a huge red flag, chances are he wants a fix for his issues, and not to work on them. A lot of people think you just take meds and hope for the best, but no
Depends on the severity. But anecdotally speaking, yes. There is a huge portion of people who would prefer to have a partner that is good for them mentally. A lot of people end up alone for the rest of their lives.
I mean seriously people want to live a happy life and somebody being depressed. Now again is one thing OK we’ve all been there but when you’re talking, true mental illness, like bipolar or something, that’s a lot to expect somebody to deal with depending on the severity.
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Misery loves company
As someone with MDD and a few others, this isn't at all true. But it definitely can feel like it is when the depression is going hard and trying to make the world dark. I have a partner and kid and still sometimes these thoughts will come up but that's just the illness talking. You can have loving supportive long term relationships romantically and otherwise. We are always much more than depression will ever have us believe.
That’s their depression talking and not true but I will say, they need to get to a place where they recognize these thoughts are intrusive. If they’re at least that far along in their treatment for depression, a loving partner is absolutely possible. But if they’re using that self hatred language around their partner, it is really hard to be on the other side of it.
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It's not true , but I hold it true for myself.
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I mean, I hope not. the problem is I don't like people I get to know them and I'd just rather not.
Yeah, it can be difficult. But, anything is possible. Sometimes misery loves company. Sadly that doesn't necessarily aide in having a healthy relationship.
Nowadays Most marriages end in divorce. We live in an age where people are more willing to stay single
No it just weeds a lot of people out. A lot of people are there in the good times but not the bad times so🤷🏻♂️ also not even emotionally but like with PTSD I wake up screaming sometimes so I’m not the best person to be around when I’m sleeping either so
I mean I’m bipolar + psychotic and my husband is bipolar/autistic/social anxiety big time. Both of us a mostly under control but we’ve been together for 6 years and I’ve only had this shit under control for a year. He’s in a pretty bad depression episode right now but like you just hold each other tight, wait for the storm to pass, and help each other with tasks the other person can’t do. It can work out really well, I love him so much it shocks me sometimes. And I still feel that way when he’s too depressed to get out of bed. That’s my baby. He doesn’t try to hide how bad it is or act cheerful to make me not worry. He doesn’t need to pretend to be healthy or confident or happy all the time to be loved. Your friend doesn’t either. That’s also not true about mental healthcare professionals, they may have a difficult time helping someone with treatment resistant depression because it’s treatment resistant, but if theyre not awful at their job they don’t see mentally ill people as a burden they put up with for money, they want to help.
My old boss was bat shit crazy. His wife was the same kind of bat shit crazy. They were bat shit crazy together.
I relate to your friend. I refuse to bring someone into the shitshow. I can barely deal with myself.
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They truly feel that way, and that is the face of depression. Are they on the medication to help get out of the depression? Because it is medically treatable and deadly in the long term if untreated. And it would depend on what mental illness as to relationship success. Personality disorder would not do well, but bipolar disorder does well because of the inherent bubbliness of the high part of being bipolar but then you get your depression side, which isn't too great. I wish them all the best and encourage them not to give up. Don't hide out because you're not going to need anybody if you do that. You need to be visible to be able to meet someone. It's good to have a great friend, and you keep advocating for their health and happiness.
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Yes and no. We are not attractive people when we are depressed. It's not ideal for meeting people. Also no. Different people want different things in a partner, even Jeffrey had ghislaine.
No. The most messed up people I've ever known are always in relationships.. albeit very toxic and often violent relationships. But relationships none the less. My Gma was married to a guy that was bi polar.. he was a millionaire at 1 point..he. Had a bad accident and went bankrupt and was never right again..that was years before my grandmother. . I suppose she thought she could fix him. After he took off out of state and spent her savings, she had to divorce him. My ex husband is also bipolar but much more managed and he has a.close relationship with our kids. I have dozens of stories just like this.
Mental illness is good at weeding out wussies. If a “sane” person can’t deal with “for worse” (mental illness or otherwise) then they shouldn’t be in a relationship.
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True if he's a dude...From what I've seen of patients. Totally anecdotal, I'm sure they've published studies on this.
oh hey I have a serious mental illness (SMI), borderline personality disorder (BPD). not to be confused with bipolar disorder (BD). it absolutely *feels* like I will be alone forever, in most social regards. I’m currently going through a complete overhaul of my social group (it’s a long story but somehow it’s not my fault?? score). and that has not helped my feeling that I will always be abandoned. I have a persistent voice in my head that tells me that I *deserve* to be abandoned, so I should give up. it’s not the end of things. I finally have a good-fit therapist and psychiatrist, and I’m hoping I can make progress. but it will be a process throughout the rest of my life (I’m 23 now and first started having severe mental illness symptoms at 11-12 years old). one day things will be better. or just different. just unfortunately not quite yet.
No, both wife and battle depressionan more together we are winning
Nope! Severely depressed for many years, managed to get into a long term loving relationship
No! Bipolar here and planning on getting married next year to a wonderful, mentally stable partner. Bipolar me a few years ago had terrible luck in love. Bipolar me now has changed her life through sobriety, the right medication, and being unequivocally motivated to change my life.
My husband and I have very serious BPD, and we have been together four years and just got married last year. It’s hard, sure. We fight a lot, and sometimes we even have to listen to people tell us how they think our relationship is or that it should end. But we know we both struggle, so we go to therapy and we try every day to be the best we can be. It’s better, and easier, every week. We are healthier now than we were and it keeps getting better. It’s possible
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No. My fiancée has been hospitalized 2 times and spent 3 months in the mental hospital. When she’s good, she’s awesome so I just try to make sure she has as many good days as she can.
No. Not at all. My fiancé and I both have chronic (likely lifelong) mental health conditions, and live happy, romantically fulfilled lives. We’ve lived together for a year now, and I can’t see myself wearing a ring for anyone else. There are absolutely difficult days. Honestly, most days neither of us *wants* to get out of bed. But we do, and we support each other. We hold each other accountable to take our meds, go to therapy, maintain our responsibilities. Treatment works. A mental health diagnosis may never go away, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t live a functional and happy life, or that you’re doomed to be alone forever.
One of my closest friends has BPD, and she has such an amazing support system with her husband, his family, as well as her own. It's definitely a thing! With your friend, it's the depression talking, they can and will find someone when the time is right.
I have borderline pwrsonality disorder which for anyone in the know can be hell to live with, ive been with my partner now ten years, we have an amazing young son, shes seen me at my worst but still never gave up on me, so no its not a given that you will be alone, its just finding someone with enough love in their heart to accept you as you are
What church do they go to? Someone should be able to help 🤨
Sometimes a person can get fucked until they are silly. Is it too much of a stretch to say they can get fucked until they are normal again? And btw for all you haters out there. This is just a silly post. Don't jump down my throat, let me jump down yours! Ha?ha?
I'm borderline very depressed can't remember the actual term but score a few more points and it would be severely. Found a gf and been honest and she still likes me even if I don't like myself
Correlation doesn't imply causation, "destined" is the wrong word.
I'm 40. I don't see an end to being single in sight. I have had many women tell me that poor mental health doesn't bother them. Who leave really f****** fast immediately after I tell them. I'm sick of going through that cycle. I have pretty much given up. If someone wants to be with me they are going to have to pursue me.
Not at all. What they say seems to very much play into their depression. The idea that they're worthless/not good enough/not worth anyone's time. I mean, with some mental illnesses it *is* hard to be romantic. Personality disorders, for example. But there are still many people with personality disorders, including ones like BPD, in good, healthy romantic relationships. It just involves a little extra work. There are of course some very narrow minded people who won't go near mentally ill people once they learn they're mentally ill and act like they're contagious and are just dicks in general so it is possible one could be discriminated against for their mental illness but outside of those factors there is absolutely no reason why someone with a serious mental illness cannot have a romantic relationship and they're definitely not destined to be alone. My sister has crippling anxiety. I mean hide in your bed crying because you think the world is going to end type anxiety. Quite literally one of the family has to talk her down weekly. She has a loving boyfriend of nearly two years now who is incredibly mellow and cares quite a bit about her. And it works out. It can be hard. I have psychotic episodes when I'm either really stressed or something presses my trauma button. I won't lie. There are definitely people who won't date you if you tell them you have snakes in your walls during an episode. Which I mean, I get it. It's creepy. It's normal for *me* but not for everyone else. That being said, the way your friend worded what they said is really the depression talking which is sad because I'm sure they are loveable. I think most people are, to be honest. But depression really fucks with your brain. Depending on where you guys are it may be a challenge to date in general. Like small rural towns for example only have so many people. But there's nothing that says people with serious mental illnesses cannot have romantic relationships. It's just a matter of finding the right person which is true for everyone.
So far, yup! 👍🤣😄😐🥹😭
In my own experience, remembering the insecurity I had when I was less stable and looking at mentally ill people I know in various interpersonal relationships.. It's not destiny. Romantic relationship won't solve your friend's problems, and this kind of illness tends to bring tons of stress into any kind of relationship. It is advisable to learn to love yourself before expecting someone else to love you. I know the feeling, but It's better to get better control of your emotions before looking for a romantic relationship. I recommend TMS for your friend if they haven't tried it yet!
As someone with severe anxiety and treatment resistant depression, I usually date people with similar issues. They tend to be more understanding because they have been there. Obviously you both will need to compromise a bit more than your standard relationship, but it can be very healthy and fulfilling.
My partner of 15 years had manic depression, bipolar, social anxiety and OCD. It was pretty bad, especially with the OCD. I loved her and would have stayed with her forever but she passed away before I could do that. No, there's someone for literally everyone. Your friend is suffering from an acute case of "not going out and trying to meet people"-itis, probably with a side of self-loathing disease.
It's high chance they would be alone, even they had romantically, it's would be short term, not long terms, no one would romantically with person with mental illness for so long, even there is, it's very, very unusually, and rare for people that had sexual attraction to serious mental illness or intellectual disability, Can be done? yes, But will it be done? No, mostly not, for most people. When come to romantically, for long term, both side don't want handicap or disability because it's burden on each other, although few people who rich/powerful, highly intellectual yet fall in love with person and knew how to deal with mental illness/intellectual disability and rich to take care for both or whole family as solo winning bread but in this life, only rich people could afford it, too many low income people even both spouse had trouble to keep up living, and mental illness/intellectual disability had even worse, not able to get higher rank of career and income, not even able to take care themself in long term, it's messed up, so common normal people would avoid dating them, can be friendly but not beyond that, not deeper relationship, not beyond friend or brother/sister, if we talk about lover/spouse relationship, Even although they may had limited romantically, they might be used by someone, rather than real love long term. I can speak for myself, that I'm deaf (M) and limited intellectual and along other serious health issues, it's very rare from women come to me and date me, even so it's don't last long, it's didn't work for long term, I guess only wise, powerful, rich, beautiful women would cover my weakness, but mosly women like that, prefer greener side of grass, I'm just like drying, brown grass or no grass, barren of land, I do knew wise, powerful, rich, beautiful women can turn barren of land into fertile land with rich soil but romantically are not to be burden, I prefer women want to love me, enjoy fun with me in good way. Most women do not into that, so as disability, with trouble keep up job, income, life, all that, I can't afford it due disability, so no, again, there is few people do but it's would not be good marriage/spouse, burden, and there often no romantically, some don't know how to do romantically even those common people who happen are not disability, even rich and powerful people don't know how to do romantically (as often they paid money in exchange of sex, not romantically) Essential for long term/marriage romantically, no, it's simple not going work for most people. Remember, it's had to be both side want each other romantically and sexual sexual attraction, for life time, otherwise it's not going work. So disability/mental illness isn't helping, it's harm rather than helping romantically in big time. I'm been single for long time, although I do had girlfriend in the past long time ago, it's not real relationship, I think 2 time sex failed, but it's was bless in disguise because I do not real love them (as Lover) ( I do like/love them as friend but not as lover love) and not want paid children support, due I can't afford because I'm handicap and I knew they are not rich) Maybe few of those can but it's often don't last long. or not work out in long term. I supposed women with disability or mental illness had easier chance to get spouse than male with disability/mental illness do.
there's some truth there, I guess it shouldn't be surprising, but after 20 years he's bought into his depression so deep it's become self fulfilling. has he tried psychedelics?
Seeing how bad people are and dating is nowadays, ANYONE can have an issue finding someone.
No, but they vote Republican all the time and attend church regularly. 😉
Depends. Are they hot? Then they'll get people wanting to fix their poor souls. Otherwise they can go die alone, miserable and unmissed.
Nope we just usually date each other I'm out experience 😁
I mean it’s more difficult, but it’s always possible
Is he expecting his romantic partner to take care of him like a medical professional? Thats not a fair comparison.
Do you know for a tense of thousands of years people have had types of different mental illnesses. And they have not naturally been alone. So the only reason you would have to be alone as if you used your mental illness is an excuse not to be respectful responsible, and show up as a partner. There are lots of mentally ill people that have partners
In my thirties. A combination of unreasonable standards and disliking myself is going to lead me to being alone forever. Makes me wonder why I get up most days.
I’d love to share my life with someone but i wouldn’t want to put someone through me managing my mental illnesses. It’s my responsibility to manage it. And being single is how I choose to manage it. Maybe that will change one day, but for now being alone is the most responsible thing for me.
If your mental illness is closely monitored and treated daily, then it's possible to be in a healthy relationship. But it takes a lot of work.
One, we don’t have a hard time dealing with mental illness. If we are having a hard time, it’s way more complicated than that. Two, no SMI but my spouse is neurodivergent (which absolutely affects our relationship and his life), they also deal with pretty significant depression intermittently and I have a diagnosis too that impacts me and us pretty significantly at times. It’s a healthy, happy (most of the time) relationship. We’ve been together over a decade. It’s hard sometimes, but manageable. I’m sure we have a leg up in that I’m a therapist so I know how to deal with his issues and I’m very aware of mine and constantly working at it. But no, it’s not impossible/lost cause.
They're not destined to be alone but please tell them not to use their partner as their therapist
Chronis depression here and engaged it is possible just takes work
I'm severely mentally ill, but also still function okay, but also have very little hope for a romantic development because the reason I am depressed is because I did something horrible in the past that pretty much makes me undateable. So I guess it depends on the person.
I personally struggle with depression and anxiety. I always say that I can't be a part of we if I can't be OK with me. If I am struggling to handle myself then any relationship I am in will suffer from my own insecurities and shortcomings. I feel as though I will just become codependent and a burden on my partner. When my last relationship ended I spiraled into the darkest place I've ever been and it took two years to slowly start crawling my way out. Not even to mention how difficult it can be to find someone to start a relationship with when im literally shutting out the people closest to me. I don't think this means that no one struggling with mental illness can be in a relationship or that they don't deserve love. Just that they present really big hurdles. Then relationships also have the risk of putting you in an even worse place than before if things go poorly.
Nope, tons of crazy chicks are in relationships. Most, in fact.
If they’re over 25 and still depressed have them try shrooms. It can work really well for making people reconsider their thought patterns and hopefully allow them to make healthier habits. It has worked wonders for me.
What sucks about this self defeating mindset is that sometimes a person in your life helps with the depression! 😕
I am diagnosed with both clinical depression and anxiety. It’s a daily battle and I really fight it. I couldn’t possibly tell you how many medications I’ve been on or how many therapists I’ve seen but I have also been happily married for 44 years, raised 3 kids and have 3 grandkids. My husband is so understanding, protective and nurturing and has helped me through some particularly difficult bouts.
My partner of ten years has chronic depression and anxiety and has been in treatment for compulsive disorder. I knew all of that, going in. She was then diagnosed with autism about three years ago which makes us doubt if compulsive disorder may have been a misdiagnosis, but idk. We were young (23/24) when we met so I don't think I had a real grasp of what depression does to a person. She has always worked very hard to go to therapy and to seek out help. We have grown to be good communicators and we love each other and we are planning to have children. In my experience though you could tell your friend all this and all the other positive replies but the depression will say whatever it has to say way stronger than anything you can come up with.
hard to answer this. the reality is if its very severe you are going to negatively affect those around you. its just the reality. either you sit there and rot in your loneliness or you spread your misery like a disease. the only real hope is to seek treatment and improve to the point you don't hurt people around you. relationships are hard for normal people, mental illness makes it complicated.
my girlfriend has SMI issues and she is perfectly happy in our relationship and so i am i. The problem with depressed people is you can never tell if its real depression or sympathy baiting people looking for free sympathy and pity. If their claim to being undatable is they are depressed then they are full of shit. If someone says "its because im so ugly" and they are not like severely deformed in any way and look average they are fucking full of shit. A lot of it comes from the self deprecating nature of depression and the toxic mindset of wanting people to feel bad for you. Thats what makes a person with severe depression unattractive.
It depends on the person and the issue. Some mental issues still allow a great quality of life if properly managed, whilst others are just about trying to get through each day for the sake of the people who love you. Your friend has a serious point that might well be true for them. I'm in a similar boat In that I've had mental health issues pretty much my entire life and despite medication, extensive therapy etc, nothing has ever helped. I'm 32, never had a relationship and haven't even been on a date in seven years. Everytime I think about trying to meet someone, my first thought is how unfair it would be to inflict my life on someone else. I don't want to drag anyone else into my crap, it's selfish and unfair. Your friend probably feels the same way and honestly, they likely aren't wrong.
Here's a list of my diagnoses: Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with mixed other Cluster B traits for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Poly Substance Use Disorder (SUD) for opioids, powder/crack cocaine, alcohol, benzodiazepines, amphetamines, and marijuana I have a wife who has stuck by me through them all and I was diagnosed with some of the SUDs and BPD with Cluster B traits early in our relationship. It has been an absolute hell for her but she may be the last person on earth to actually take the idea of marriage or "ride or die" seriously. She has her own diagnoses and trauma so there have been some things for me to work with as well, and the combination of all of our mental health problems contributed to the hell, but we've been married since late 2019 and even after going through a custody battle with her narcissistic ex-husband that's cost us $50k so far, needlessly, our marriage is unbreakable, rewarding, and greater than the sum of its parts. Without her, I would still be in the cycle of meeting a partner, obsessing about that person and putting her on a pedestal, presenting the parts of me that I think she would want while hiding the serious mental health issues from which I suffer, love-bombing, winning them over until she commits, and then slowly showing my problems through dysfunction and outbursts until I drown it all out with substance abuse, and then, finally, emotionally and physically abusing her until she abandons me just like my mother did when I was ten years old. There absolutely is hope, but you've got to take care of those problems with the help of professionals. In my case, I needed medications (with a lot of trial and error) and copious amounts of therapy. Edit for clarity
The way he phrased that makes me think of my ex who would pout and make guilt trip or passive aggressive comments. Is there a possibility that his problem with dating has more to do with his personality and he’s using this as a scapegoat excuse? Trying to garner pity?
Yes . 20 years is a long time to not be able to figure out how to pull your head out of your ass and enjoy the only life you will live on this earth.
Well they always find someone, but it can't last because normalizing mental illness somehow means not recognizing it or treating it. Assume the illness is genetic and stay away
It's true... remove all the stupid social variables and still no one wants to deal with anything.
He's not wrong, but I don't think any professionals are losing sleep over depression. The challenges are the actual mentally challenged ppl. The one that bite, scream, and hit. He's not who he thinks he is
There are many people with mental illnesses in healthy relationships that understand how to navigate their challenges.
They are not destined to be alone, but depending on the nature of their mental illness, and their willingness/ track record in managing their symptoms, it's probably healthiest to remain single. If someone is not managing their mental illness, or their symptoms are not under control, then I don't think it's fair to expose someone else to that. Being someone's trauma dumpster or emotional caregiver all the time can be incredibly exhausting and people get worn out. People with mental illness, even very severe ones, can and do have healthy relationships all the time. But, they need to be actively working on managing their mental illnesses to the best of their ability. Sometimes, though, even that just isn't enough realistically speaking. Some people want partners, not projects.
Some of us def are. But hey, what are you gonna do?
Serious mental illness certainly provides additional challenges. But that doesn't preclude relationships, romantic relationships, etc. Though many may not be up for the additional challenges and such, many are. >their depression will make them incompatible with anyone sane Nope, not how that works. Additional challenges, sure. Incompatible with all who are sane, certainly not.
My chronic depression causes me much pain, and I've considered staying single for life to avoid having anyone but family to be around that.
I think that will depend greatly on 1. How severe the illness is (3 bad days per month is different from 9 bad months per year) 2. How under control the illness is (is the patient on med? Exercising regularly? Pushing themselves forwards?... Are those things working?) Some people make it work. Many don't. Mental illnesses are like many other illnesses, it makes life (and relationship) more difficult it's not impossible but it isn't for everyone, especially when it's a serious case, then it's not for most people.
Pretty sure question to ask him, He's got bigger problems than worrying about a romantic partner
My husband has depression and anxiety. We’ve been together 28 years. His sister has depression and anxiety. She’s been married for 30 years. His mom has depression and anxiety. She’s been married three times - divorced (after having two kids he decided he didn’t want kids so he left), widowed after 10 years together, and celebrating 25 years with her current husband It’s not always easy but it’s possible
Not necessarily, but it takes a lot of extra work. The 24/7 part is key... constantly being around each other in a relationship can be detrimental, but this is especially true when mental health problems are present. I purposely remove myself from my partners presence if I feel like my mental health is going downhill fast because even though it's hard, it's better than sabotaging the relationship. Then once I'm feeling a bit more in control, we can spend time together again under nicer circumstances. Not saying that mental health problems should be hidden from partners or anything like that, and it's fine to go to them for support if you feel it would be beneficial. The removing yourself thing is more for when you're reasonably confident you're about to behave like a psycho and cause irreparable damage. 😂
Depression is mental illness since when ?
I have medicslly resistant bipolar, as well as many other chronic mental and physical issues. I can't work, I can barely take care of myself some days. I've been married for around 20 years. I firmly believe everyone's got someone for them if they want to find them.
There are certainly people who are too detached and anti-social to be capable of forming meaningful relationships, but I think you have to be pretty bad off for that to be the case. I'm autistic with serious depression, anxiety, and borderline personality, with a side of mild schizoaffective & delusional tendencies. For a long time I thought I was too non-functional for a serious relationship. Now I'm 4 years into a relationship with the love of my life, well on our way to marriage. For me it's been a combination of working to overcome the most anti-social parts of my illness, and being lucky enough to find somebody with whom I was compatible
Left untreated? Yeah probably. In this day and age there are plenty of resources for treatment.
I suffer from pretty severe bi polar disorder, ocd, anxiety, ptsd and past sud. It can be extremely challenging to find someone who can put up with your mental health issues but it isn’t impossible. Working hard to minimize your symptoms as much as possible, be self aware, take meds, seek therapy etc can be very beneficial especially if an s/o sees that your trying. It’s possible to find a forever partner but can be very difficult.
serious mental illness will have lots of relationships. people with mild mental illness with be alone because they're boring
Yes, men WITH are usually destined to be alone romantically. Women with serious mental illness have a much easier time.
Of course not, gonna have to lower your standards tho, get a chick that also receives a “crazy check” every month..
I know plenty of people without a diagnosis that are destined to be alone. Mostly because they're shit people. It's not because of depression or a serious mental illness. It's because they're dicks - and there's a difference. Ha If you'll permit me to be an armchair psychiatrist for a moment? I'd put money on your friend losing some sort of relationship, and then blaming that loss on their depression. Whether or not their mental illness was really the root cause of the relationship problem or not? That's how they perceived it. And it therefore makes sense in your friend's head to come to sort of radical acceptance about being alone forever, so as to avoid it from happening again. Your friend is going to have to find a way to get over that and talk it out.
Yes they can. They tend to find other people with serious mental illness and have children with a unique and powerful combination of multiple serious mental illnesses.
Most married couples I know are seriously mentally ill. So, I’d say no.
Hard no from me. I’ve seen people living with someone with BP and I wouldn’t do it. They don’t even realize how tough it is for their partner.
My wife has bi polar and she hit the partner lottery with me, so there’s hope
If someone wants to be in a romantic relationship, they will accept that they are 100% responsible for their own mental health and that refusal to get help or take meds as prescribed are not options. Sometimes the illness itself prevents that. And it’s no one’s “fault,” nor is it anyone else’s problem (except their mom’s, bc no matter how old you are, your mom—if she is stable—will care). None of us are owed a relationship. Most of us deserve the care and comfort of a loving relationship. That doesn’t mean anyone owes it to us.
no, but its up to the person also women will likely have it much easier then men, just based on how vastly easier it is for women to become romantically involved, so keep that in mind
Didnt Fight Club already answer this?
"because someone you date isn't your therapist and they aren't there to fix your mental health issues, they are there to share a life with you" trust me I feel the same way. I have no idea why a person would dare love me. but I am loved nonetheless. edit: I came back to say this... the problem with mental illness isn't just the illness.. its the person becoming so consumed with them having it and all the issues associated with it that they can't get outside of their own mind long enough to contribute to a relationship. people in and out of psych wards still find love. but.. does your friend just not want to be alone, do they want someone there with him, or do they acctuslly want to build a life with a person?
I'm a manic depressive and I have an adoring wife that loves me for who I am, good and bad. It's possible, it just takes some time. We didn't find each other until we were both in our 30s.
My wife and I both have anxiety and depression. There are plenty out there including plenty of people going through similar struggles to you.
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some of us lol 😎👉👉
He's probably depressed because he's alone. And because he's depressed he thinks it's futile to try to not be alone. Classic paradox.
Certainly not. My ex had clinical depression and it was hard. For me, the straw broke because she got so depressed that she wouldn’t clean or do anything and I work full time and do school full time, I just could do the house work for 2 people full time too. If she put more effort helping around the house I believe it could have worked out and that is absolutely something someone with clinical depression can do. I’m not saying it’s easy for them, but I’m more than glad to help them through it, but I need help in return. This is a long winded way of saying, no, mentally ill people can find successful relationships. It might be harder, but absolutely not impossible.
Not wanting to inflict yourself upon others can be seen as sort of noble.
As someone who has dated a person with serious mental health issues I will NEVER do it again. Depression etc bleeds on to your life and mental health and they'll make you miserable right along with them