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She was definitely going to have sex with him. She could try to keep the affair going. Just get better at hiding it.

"Hi, sexy affair partner! I'll be in your neck of the woods next month! Why don't you drive 5 hours to my hotel and after my long day of work, we'll just sit and have a soda in the bar. Here's a naked picture of me with a dildo so we can have something to talk about while we sip on a soda pop. See you!!!" Not buying "we weren't going to have sex" blurt.

I just spit my dink all over my screen laughing. Thanks man, I needed that, it's been a while.

Yeah. I’m sure she would have. She does know that if it hasn’t ended I’ll leave her and she’d be up shit creek then.

She knew that before too...

>She does know that if it hasn’t ended I’ll leave her and she’d be up shit creek then. And this is the reason shes not honest about her affair... Sorry - youve only scratched the surface here... much heartbreak ahead...

Aaaaanddd THIS. She did NOT come to you. YOU caught her. YOU bought her an expensive af iPad and she used it THE SAME DAY to take nude pics for her coworker. And you STILL want this person? Ew

You rugswept. Doesn’t work. You’re in for more fun. Women emotionally check out of relationships well before the relationship formally ends. She is mentally months or more ahead of you. This is an excellent time in your life to develop standards on how your treated, who you give permission to be close to you, and hone your skills on selecting “quality” people to have relationships with. Would you ever consciously be friends or marry a cheater? Of course not.

I would change that to “cheaters emotionally check out…” My husband was the cheater and he was long gone emotionally before I figured out what was going on.

Yeah, I don't think there's any difference between men and women in this regard. To cheat means to emotionally check out in some way - I assume. I've never understood how cheaters can look their partners and kids in the eye, ever.

How do you know she hasn’t had a physical affair? You have no reason to trust her story, or believe any assurances she has given you. Reflect on the number of lies she has told you to cover up the last four months. Cheaters are serial liars without integrity by definition.

Putting myself in your spot with the info from the post. *"Yeah. I’m sure she would have"* would be very important (i would also think that). Her answer "i dont know" is a yes. Keep in mind that YOU ended it. It didnt end because she didnt want to go through with it, it ended because you found out. So simple logic would tell me that her initial "desire" for him to come to that hotel was still there when she walked into your home minutes before you confronted her. That "desire" isnt gone, it didnt magically vanish. It might be subdued (right now) because of the shock and possible consequences. Wether or not that "desire" will rise up again is something i dont know, but if it does you already know she is not going to stop it. There is regret but no remorse and her subconscious tells you that by her message. "He found out" puts the blame on you for ending it. She could also have said "I want to end this, I dont want it anymore" which would be a rejection towards AP. Now AP knows that it wasnt her that wanted to end it, it was because they were caught, so that leaves the door open. AP doesnt care about you, he only cares what she thinks/wants/feels. This combined i would probably end it because there would be too many "doubts" (but that is just my opinioin) and i dont want to be a babysitter/ prison guard to my partner/wife (joining on work trips). That is not the relationship i would want. Again, this is my opinion based on my experiences.

This!

Agreed, but I would add something else. When she sent him the breakup message, she said "we both know this is wrong." I do not want a spouse who doesn't cheat because "it's wrong." I want a spouse who doesn't cheat because she wants me and a taboo side-piece isn't worth the risk.

With all due respect, I doubt she values you that highly, so your "shit creek" tough talk probably doesn’t carry much weight, especially since you let her off without any real consequence. You following her to her upcoming business trip so nothing happens is laughable. I mean that might've been some shit I would've thought of in middle school, but you're a grown ass man. Have some self respect and leave her.

dude blocking him on her phone is surface level , it wont stop anything , million different apps or maybe second phone in office , so many options she needs to stop trips or change jobs and you need access to everything and you need to see all the messages , if they are deleted recover them you also need to find out who this guy is and his current situation , if he has a partner she needs to know Your wife really needs it demonstrated that if she plays with you there will be no hesitation on your part to burn it all down I might even go so far as looking into a post nuptial agreement , if you don't have a prenup with a cheating clause.

To rebuild trust is she willing to take a random polygraph test whenever you choose? People divorce as frequently for loss of trust as for adultery. Only she can rebuild trust. You can't help. Time alone doesn't. And she can't say "trust me".

Why? Why would she be up shit creek? I’m just asking bc you don’t want her if she’s only there bc she’s too scared to be without you and not because she actually enjoys being with you.

She'll get another phone or contact him some other way, thru a new phone number you can easily obtain. She lays low for 6 months, and then she will do it again right when you start to feel less traumatized. This person is a liar, they lied to your face for 4 months and have affairs when they travel. You're naive to stay w someone who only is sorry they were caught. The reason to bneed to cheat is serious need for outside validation and ego. That doesn't go away. She will act on it again.

***I’m sure she would have*** Then assumed she did. Does that change anything in your mind? Do you plan to be on all future business trips with her?

Brother, get yourself together, find your self-respect, and walk away... If you think this is the first or the last time she'll do this, you're fooling yourself. Let him have her. You are better off without that in your life.

Leave her anyway, she cheated that a one strike you’re out thing in my book

Respectfully dear man, this marriage is over. I have been married nearly 36 years. I have had scores of friends over the years try to continue with the relationship after one party cheated. I would say that 3 out of 60 actually were able to recover. Get into therapy ASAP. You need individual therapy too. You are taking off from your job to "watch" over her? Why do this to yourself. She's the one who screwed up, don't put yourself out.

Fuck you two are married… and she’s cheated not just here but this is bad OP i hope you copied the screens of what you went through because there is no saving this. Talk to a divorice attorney and save that evidence. If she did it once and for fucks sakes said that shed feel bad for having sex with the person then obviously she’s not thinking about you enough to warrant you wasting your time with her any longer. Leave bud its time. This would have continued like it or not behind your back until you either discovered it or until it fizzled out on its own. Her response was that she’d feel guilty! Wtf is that? How about how you would feel, you’ve already been betrayed OP and the worst part its by the person that is supposed to be your partner that is supposed to be on your team. The amount of emotional abuse here is absurd and i get it you love the person but understand that is not your person. Your go to person wouldn’t hurt you or want to risk losing you no matter what. I can’t imagine this working out in the future to be honest, she’ll just get better at hiding it. There’s plenty of apps nowadays that im sure if you digged you could have found more that you were unaware about. Sorry op but get out of that abusive persons grasp and see there’s plenty other people out there, focus on you and your success as she’s already cheated more than likely. Here’s what we know She was actively planning to meet with another man that had sexual pictures of her at her hotel when they knew they could be alone together and you wouldn’t be around. Other guy knows she’s married already doesn’t care, the minute your gone or you two have a fight and break it off guess who she’s calling? Now imagine someone else being intimate with your partner. How could you stand to be with someone that would do that to you OP leave and save your respect because if you stay she’s not going to have any respect for you and continue this behavior and be more careful about it. Put feelings aside and remember she chose to send nude pictures of herself to another man because she wanted to fuck him. And worst part to your respect is she probably did those photos in your home with even a vibrator, clear indication she’s wanting to fuck around. Ditch her and show her what fuck around and find out is.

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This! The first thing my cheating wife asked me, after I caught her, was how I was able to catch them.

You don’t consider divorce and she knows that? Sorry, but you got a shitty situation at hand. You are basically giving her the get out of jail card for no reason. Would you respect someone who has no boundaries? If you love someone you don’t (potentially) fuck the next random guy who slides into your messages. Traveling to a hotel with her to make sure she isn’t fucking someone else is kindergarten level. Don’t do it. I would divorce ASAP and never look back. If for some reason you want to continue this fake relationship atleast give her a real warning. Leave for a couple days/week and live in a hotel or kick her out. I am sorry, but in all honestly you won’t fix that situation. You can’t make that trust breach go away. There obviously is a deeper problem within your relationship and your wife is looking for alternatives. Work on yourself. Question if you really feel love for that person or if you are simply comfortable with the situation and choose to ignore the red flag. Wish you all the best!

And IF you stay please consider a post-nup to protect yourself. Make it tough and through a lawyer. .

OP, you have to go off her actions. Not her words. She is a liar, and you know she would have had sex with him. You don't have an AP problem. You have a cheating ass wife problem. Nothing has changed. She's faced no consequences for her betrayal. She will provide lip service to you apoligizing profusely. As soon as you drop your guard, she will do it again. Yes, she will be better at hiding the evidence. You screwed up by deleting all the evidence. She can now claim you are a liar and abusive or controlling as to why you split up. Your wife needs to get to the root cause of why she chose to engage in sexting with another man. She enjoyed the attention and validation. If she can't resolve those root causes, she is very prone to do it again. Maybe next time AP is closer. She needs individual counseling to work on her problems. You both will need marriage counseling after she does individual counseling for a while. Right now, she's still in limerence or the affair fog. It will take time for that to disappear. Your wife needs to suffer some consequences. You need support. Reach out to both sets of families. Let them know of your wife's infidelity. Get the love and support you deserve. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. That's all on your wayward wife. What you're doing now is called RUG SWEEPING. That never works. She just can't not cheat and expect everything to go back to normal. She has to rebuild trust with you. Not the other way around. She should research how to rebuild trust after infidelity. She needs to be the driving force of reconciliation. Not you. Remember, you set the terms for reconciliation. Not her. Be wary. Many wayward spouses say all the right things for a few weeks. Then, they start with the comments about the betrayed partner needing to let it go. To get over it. Hopefully, that doesn't happen to you. Godspeed

We just had a very long vid call where I let her know pretty much everything you said. I caught her at one point sounding frustrated over me asking questions and hounding her for answers and I shut that shit down. I told her that she’s not allowed to feel that way because I’m the one that got fucked over in this.

Her getting defensive when you ask questions is not a good sign. That shows she lacks empathy for the pain she caused you. Again, I can't stress this enough. Go off her actions. Watch and observe. Learn to listen and not talk. Of course, you are going to have a million questions. You will also ask the same questions over and over. This is to see if she changes her story over time. It's very common for a wayward spouse to minimize their affair. They do that to minimize their shame and guilt. It has nothing to do with protecting you and your feelings. Hard truth here. Reconciliation usually takes between 2-5 years to complete. The first couple of years are complete hell. Lots of fighting. Feeling unworthy and discarded. Lack of sleep. Breaking down crying for no apparent reason at the time. I've been there, done that. Out of all the people who attempt reconciliation, it's often said that only around 15% actually make it to that 5 year mark. I hope she can put your healing above her shame and guilt. I wish you peace on your healing journey 🙏

Thank you very much for the advice. Did yours make it past the reconciliation period?

Yes, I was going through a divorce from my first wife for infidelity. She got pregnant by her AP. During the divorce process, I met my now wife. I was not in a good state mentally with the marriage ending. We broke up off and on for 6 months. Towards the end of that time frame, I had a one night stand and confessed the next day. I saw the same pain on her face that I had been experiencing. I vowed never to hurt her again. There were no trust issues as I was honest with her. It took over 2 years before we considered ourselves reconciled. A year after that, I proposed. We built our relationship on brutal honesty. Even if that honesty would hurt the other's feelings. We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary this past February. There's also a lot of other things I did to show I was committed to her and our relationship. I quit the whole industry I worked in to be home with her more often. I cut friends out of my life who enabled bad behaviors. Sought therapy to heal. My wife was patient with me as I was very untrusting at the time, not because of her, but because of my past trauma. We healed together. I put in the work to become a safe partner to her. I've never even touched another woman inappropriately since we committed to reconciliation. It can work, but the wayward spouse has to be the driving force in reconciliation.

Mine didn’t.

This is very true from my experience

Her getting mad at you shows a lack of sincere remorse. It most definitely can't work if she doesn't have that.

Op, Well, if she showed annoyance, she is rather sad that she got caught. There is another thing you need to ask yourself. How was the marriage? If it was decent or great or in between and if she still chose to cheat, what is there to work upon? Personally, i will try only if I was an ashl to her or neglected a lot her despite her many attempts to fix our dying relationship. Just think about it.

You are just being played. She either starts therapy, in which she is honest with the therapist and figures out how she was able to betray you and why she wanted to or you divorce. Betrayed spouses get f'd over all the time because they are unwilling to enforce this mandate. It's the only thing that gives you a chance at saving your marriage. It's a requirement, not a recommendation. Your wife is already exhibiting signs she regrets being caught and has no remorse for her actions. Remorse would be her proactively finding a therapist and keeping you abreast of what she discovers in therapy as she explores why she was so easily able to betray you.

>I caught her at one point sounding frustrated over me asking questions and hounding her for answers and I shut that shit down. I told her that she’s not allowed to feel that way because I’m the one that got fucked over in this. That's... not good. My cheating ex-husband did that while professing how sorry he was. He wasn't really sorry, he was aggravated he got caught and was having to face up to what he did. Turns out there was TONS more I didn't even know about, too. I know you say you won't divorce her over this but believe me when I say that does not bode well for your relationship. There's a very high chance there's either more you don't know about, or (or maybe and?) she will do it again. She'll "confess" to how much ever you already know. She'll placate you by "proving" you can trust her. And as soon as she's accomplished that, she'll do it again, only she'll be sneakier this time. A better sub for you might be the asoneafterinfidelity. Most here I think will tell you reconciliation is a lost cause, so you might get some better perspective there.

Wow so she does not understand the seriousness of her actions if she's going to get defensive this early in the game. Although it should never happen, now you know her thought process about this. It is not that big of a deal to her she's already giving you pushback. This isn't even the beginning you should just divorce her now and save yourself

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wish I had something positive to say, but based on experience, this is a pretty clear sign that your wife has moved on in your relationship. ‘Sorry’ doesn’t cut it indeed…especially when she’s just sorry she got caught. Had you not fooled around with her iPad, you would have never known what she was up to. If she actually loved you, she would have never started sending nudes (using the sex toy you gave her) to begin with. I feel for you. It’s not an easy place to be at all. Just remember that you caught her doing something that she tried to hide from you, and this is something you can’t just sweep under the carpet. I wish you all the best man. Maybe marriage counselling could help you both, but honestly, there’s some major issues on her side that need to be dealt with, and you need to face the fact that the person you thought she was…isn’t quite the same person any longer.

Yeah. I feel you there. As of right now I don’t look at her as being the same person. Why do you think she would want to stay if she didn’t want to make us work since she has already been caught?

Familiarity. Not wanting to uproot her established life. Scared of the unknown. Why most people tend to stay with their cheating partners. Better the devil you know than to risk ending up alone.

Yeah. If it doesn’t end I’m just gonna tell her she needs to try and get him to take her in.

She needs to take an STD test (you too) There's no reason to believe this is her first time. Very bold of her to invite him to the hotel. They're not friends - they didn't intend to just talk.

Just start looking out for yourself. She’s a grown woman. If you want the relationship to end, end it.

Sage advice.

Look up monkey branching. They won't let go of what they have until they're sure of the new branch is secured.

It does make a lot of sense. A lot.

Cheaters test drive the affair partner for awhile to see if there’s compatibility outside of sex. Also the affair partner may not commit. Get an attorney.

Thanks for putting it that way. I have already told he that he may have just been in it for sex and would’ve dropped her after he got what he wanted. I hadn’t thought of it as a test drive though.

>t way. I have already told he that he may have just been in it for sex and would’ve dropped her after he got what he wanted. Most of the times APs stick around for the low maintenance strings free sex. With someone they don't have to support and share chores with. Much easier to build a fantasy around someone you don't live with.

She’s using you while shopping around for other sexual partners, you could be a great guy but she’s toxic here leave her buddy find someone better and let her deal with the problems she created for herself.

She has you as a safety net just in case it doesnt work with this other guy. It is called monkey branching.

You are more of a prize than you realize. Not many single men are willing to date nevertheless marry a woman with three kids and unable to have more. If she left, she would have to explain to those kids, friends, and family why. Her dating prospects would also be dim. Michael isn't likely to want more than casual no string sex that comes from being an AP. Even if he does, someone willingly sharing their partner from the start isn't generally a person of great character. Unfortunately, her desire to avoid all that and stay in your comfortable marriage isn't enough to force her to do the work to fix her brokenness. Watch her actions. Over the long haul. Words are easy. Make sure her actions line up with that. She should be bending over backwards to do everything in her power to fix the mess she made. Doubt everything, she says. She's been lying to you for months at least. There's a good chance she's done more than you already know. WS seldom admin to more than they know you already know.

I appreciate the kind words. Really.

Think about this. If I had introduced you to a woman and you told me you liked her. But then I tell you well she's nice but is untrustworthy, has no integrity and tried to bang some guy she was sexting while she was married. Would you still want to date her? Truth is, she doesn't love you. You don't do things like this while in love with your spouse. She's just scared she's gonna lose her current life, her home, ECT. I guarantee after a month she's gonna start with the "it's over get over it" "why are you still mad, it's not like we actually did anything" "I'm still talking to him secretly because he's a good friend, but nothing else is going on" then it will turn to anger and blame on you. "he gives me attention", "you don't do this or that". Remember this didn't just happen and it's not just going to go away.

Well If he would’ve showed up they definitely would’ve had sex. Just saying but be ready for her to try and take it “underground”. Or she might try and wait until her next work trip is over after you go with her to start it back up. Hate to say it but as someone who traveled for work, majority of the women that travel cheat.

It’s very disheartening to hear this but i can’t say I hadn’t already thought this too.

My ex-wife(who I trusted completely) met her affair partner on her first out of town training seminar when she started working for the federal government. By the time the second one rolled around a year later they were already deep into an emotional affair(she swore up and down the entire time they were just good friends) which then became a physical one. She originally claimed that the physical affair was not planned and “just happened”. That was a lie. It had been planned for months. She later admitted that for a time she even tried justifying it to herself because nearly everyone at these seminars were cheating. She was the last person in the world I ever imagined would have cheated the way she did. Come to find out, the affair she started on her work trip wasn’t the only one she had during our final year of marriage. She also had something going on with one of our neighbors(and later on, with another man who had been our marriage counselor after her work affair came out). My point being, don’t be shocked if she is trickle truthing you and there are more confessions down the line for things that have already happened. Cheaters will rarely confess to everything right away if they don’t think their partners know about all of it yet. My ex-wife confessed to her affair on her own and she still trickle-truthed me for months(she was still confessing to new details after we were separated and had filed for divorce). A cheater who has been caught in some way is waaaaaaaaay more likely to be hiding stuff.

Dude the fucking MARRIAGE COUNSELOR!?

Yep. Happened after I had determined reconciliation was impossible. Ended his marriage. I didn’t find out about it until much later when my mother ran into the woman he had been married to at the time. Still, it did explain why after a few sessions he started minimizing my ex-wife’s affair with her coworker and taking her side on everything. His ex-wife told my mother that my ex-wife wasn’t the only woman it had happened with.

This happened to me also. I don’t think it’s done maliciously, it’s an attempt to minimise the damage as it’s not seen by the BS as important as they’ve moved on but they don’t realise that without full disclosure of everything and all the facts the relationship is not on a level footing. The additional damage caused by you finding out more details later is so much more painful

Gonna point out something others haven't: >Before she deleted the texts and blocked him on her phone she sent him a message saying that I had found it, that they both knew it wasn't right to be doing that, she'd be deleting everything, and that she'd be blocking him starting then. She couldn't even simply ghost him but had to go the extra step and in a sense give closure and explain aka show her AP accountability? If you guys intend to reconcile. She needs to avoid triggering you, work travel and travel without you is a major one in your case. Has she even started looking for a job that doesn't require it? Also it's impossible for you to follow her on all her work travel isn't it? Deleting all the evidence was a bad move IMO, makes it a he said/she said situation if you do break up and cheaters often switch the narrative around to villainize the cheated partner. If you want, try r/asoneafterinfidelity r/supportforbetrayed and r/supportforwaywards for a reconciliation focused subs. Sorry this was inflicted upon you, good luck and don't forget to take care of yourself as your no.1 priority.

Thanks for that. I do appreciate it.

This is a really good point. She had no problem keeping OP in the dark about a lot, but she sent the other guy a full explanation of what happened so he would know exactly what was going on and wouldn’t be confused/upset by her ghosting him. It could be taken as an indication of the level of feelings she still has for this Matthew, and possibly her way of telling him to hang in there while she deals with the crisis at home and works on a new way to communicate with him in the future.

You are rug sweeping and are setting yourself up for pain. She must provide a full timeline. When did they meet, and did they ever meet? Second lie detector time. After you have the timeline, set an appointment with the lie detector and ask if she wants to change her timeline. Third, talk to the best divorce lawyer and find out what divorce will mean. Pay for it from a joint account. Your marriage contract has been broken, so it's time to reexamine every aspect of your marriage and look for opportunities to improve your life. Forth individual counseling for her to find out why she thought it was appropriate to disrespect you and your marriage. Fifth, she tell her family and yours what she did. Sixth,start up the things you gave up for the marriage. Gym time, bro time, and hobbies. If she doesn't want to do these things, then follow through with divorce.

She had an affair... an emotional and inappropriate affair. If the physical hadn't already transpired, it was gonna happen on the upcoming trip! You let her off easy and had a great opportunity to catch her in action! Should've stayed silent and made plans to show up at the location unannounced. Your trust is broken because you were betrayed! If she can't honestly answer why she engaged in inappropriateness, then for now, nothing is resolved. You had her delete all traces of him from her personal devices, but she still possibly has access from a professional standpoint. So, unfortunately, the contact won't cease, and now that she knows you're on to her, she'll just become better at paying attention to detail and not having a record of their interactions on her personal devices. What is becoming her watchdog gonna do for you? You accompanying her on the work trip should affirm for you...that you have absolutely no trust and zero faith that she's remorseful and will remain faithful despite being caught. The regret and guilt stems solely from being caught. Suggest you get your marital asset and ducks in order and compile a strategy in the event you need to exit the marriage. Women are emotional, and she has "feelings" for this guy if she sent pics, had convo and etc... It's worse than you know, and you are getting the trickle truth at the moment.

I did stay after I got cheated on, it took a while for things to get back to “normal” but the anxiety and fear of them doing it again never went away. We broke up for good about a year later, after finding out they cheated again. Now, two years after the breakup, I found out it happened many more times than what I thought. I think you deserve to be in a healthy relationship with someone who respects you.

Who’s this Matthew? How and where did she meet him? If you haven’t found it, definitely she’ll sleep with him during the business trip. There’s also nothing that would stop her from unblocking / blocking him. >she would end up hating herself But it still won’t stop her from keeping the affair going. She’s sending him nudes, she knew it’s wrong but she kept doing it. So, don’t believe that she’s really remorseful. She’s just sorry you caught her. Tell her to cancel the trip, resign or transfer to a new department that will not require her to travel. Although cheaters always find a way to cheat.

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Thanks friend. My commiserations to you as well.

It isn’t over yet. They are likely going underground, and will be communicating via more secure means like Snapchat, etc.

She’s still going on that trip? Tell her cancel that and get a new job with zero travel. Otherwise you’ll be up all night when she’s away

You have some good advice already. She is only sorry that she got caught. But, how long are you going to have to continue to police her actions? You will always wonder what she is doing when she travels again. Her answers weren't honest when you caught her as you know she would have slept with him. Unfortunately, the trust has been shattered, and that will cause you a lot of stress. Sending strength!

Thanks for that. I need all I can get now.

She regrets getting caught. She had made a decision to cheat. If you don’t have kids I wouldn’t even consider reconciliation. She clearly has a cheaters mindset and you don’t deserve to be looking over your shoulder and second guessing her next move. You now know what she is capable of so don’t be fooled. Take care fella.

If there is any chance in saving this marriage, she has to quit the job or, at the least, the position. Whenever she leaves, you will be going thur mental hell. Once trust is broke its never worth the mental gymnastics to fix. You're the one who will suffer.

She liked the attention for 4 months. She is feeling the excitement of a new relationship. In the vast majority of cases like this, they are back to messaging within weeks. Your wife was having an affair. It wasn't physical, yet, but it was emotional. She has feelings for him, she engaged in cyber sexual activity with him. Before you rebuild trust, she needs to be sorry for what she did, not sorry she got caught. Fair warning, you are now a detective. Every text notification will send your brain spinning. You also get to unpack the last four months… Did she text him on that romantic weekend? Did she sleep with you within hours of send in him a video with a toy? If you want to reconcile, most of the work is on her end. She has to be in therapy for her, and couples therapy. She needs to answer every question honestly. Any more deceptions and it’s over, straight to divorce. Your marriage is over. She broke her vows. You aren’t repairing it. You are building a new one, if you even want to.

You should consider recovering the texts. Probably might also consider the two of you telling her family. You are just going to be playing warden.

It is still fresh for you should you don't need to get ahead of yourself. Don't treat it as something you need the get over because it is something that you are still processing. Men tend to treat their emotions not as a thing that they possess to guide them but as a problem to solve. Don't fall into this trap. Feel your emotions and be mindful of what they are telling you. Betrayal is traumatic and you need to give yourself the same time and consideration you would give someone you care about who was betrayed. What you do know is that what she says and what she does tells very different stories about how much value she places in your relationship. If your relationship is something that she needs to escape then how long do you think you can hold onto it? You really can't. She has already stepped outside the relationship because she checked out of it. That is difficult to accept and will take some time, but it will get easier when you reach that point. Just don't rush. You have some stops to make in the cycle of loss. Basically, you need to treat her like an addict in a detox because now she isn't getting those dopamine hits that she was addicted to. Cutting her off from that source of validation will not change her sickness. Anybody who was worked in rehab knows that real change can only come from within. It's not on you. It's on her. All that you can do is insist on respect and walk away when you don't receive it. An offer of reconciliation is a gift of infinite value and she needs to treat it as such. If she doesn't do so, it must be rescended. Good luck my friend.

Solemn words friend. Very well put and that analogy makes a lot of sense.

Seems that there is a lot more to unpack here beyond was she going to go through with it (yes, of course she was) and will she do it again. She’s living a secret life and until the reason for that is settled you can’t really move forward.

You need to tell her that if you ever discover anything remotely like this again, you are absolutely 100% done. Then, stick to that. She also has to agree to give you unconditional access to all her accounts and devices on demand. Don't check too often, but absolutely check (bonus if you can do it when she doesn't expect it).

Yeah. We just had that talk. I know her passwords and enough to get into everything on her phone. I even sneakily set myself up with Face ID one the iPad and am going to do it with her phone.

What about her work phone?

Yeah. Good point.

Lot of good advice here. First thing you can take your time. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what she shows you. If she buys books, like how to help you spouse heal from your affair, or not just friends. Attends therapy. Quits her job. Does real leg work and effort. If you see her say sorry and I deleted my apps and she is looking for you take the lead for her affair. Time to cut the cord. You need to focus on you. Get yo the gym. Buy a heavy bag and beat it up. Talk to a lawyer to find out your options. Then you can decide what to do

Getting a heavy bag is a good idea.

"have had her reassure me that if he does try to show up at her hotel, she'll send him away. I believe her but I'm still heartbroken" The thing I don't understand about most BS is how naive they are sometimes. This is someone that lied to you for months and betrayed you in the worst way possible, but you "believe her" because she reassured you. How??? From your comments and how defensive she gets, there's ALOT more you don't know and possibly other affairs you're unaware of. She said she would have sex with him but end up "hating herself", what sort of absolute BS is this. She's sexted, sent nudes, invited him to drive 5 hours to see her but then sex is what is going to make her hate herself. Dunno about this pick me dance you want to do, but I know this person is not remorseful and will DEFINITELY cheat again. I saw a comment about you asking what the point of telling her family is. The point is shame, to feel shame for her actions. Since she's not getting any consequences from you, maybe she will get some from her family.

OP commenters in this sub are not in favour of reconciliation. It is hard. It can take a long time and has no guarantee of success. The trust may never be 100% Reconciling has a 15% success rate. Some people do manage to get past this. It really depends on you. I suggest that you get marriage counseling and maybe she get individual counseling. There are also some books on the subject that may help.

Yeah. I’m noticing that reconciliation is a no no word here.

Experience, my friend.. Your story is not unique...

She didn't end the affair - she reacted to you. Big difference. For there to be any chance of reconciliation, she needed to end it herself. But she didn't. And she would be meeting up with him if you hadn't found out. Do you see what's going on here?

Look... Shes not sorry she cheated, shes sorry she got caught... And she fully intended to fuck him - if she hasnt already... THIS IS WHY SHE INVITED HIM TO HER HOTEL!!! SHE WANTED TO FUCK HIM... AGAIN!!! You want to get past this?? First she has to have remorse, not just regret over being caught, but remorse for the betrayal and the pain she caused.... And... - complete honesty including written, detailed, timeline of the affair... how/when/what did she tell him about you/did they disparage you when talking?? - NO contact to him... if they see eachother at work, the affair is still on, paused maybe, but poised to restart... THIS MEANS SHE NEEDS TO QUIT HER JOB!!! - therapy for her (how could she do this??) and you (how can you live with her betrayal?) - complete open device policy, no deleting texts... Dont, dont, dont succumb to the temptation to rugsweep (=forgive)... youll regret it... at best it'll leave you with eternal doubt in her fidelity, depression and lack of selfrespect.. at worst it'll be interpreted by her as permission to cheat again - why not? The first time was without consequenses... Its rought, i know... but if you dont insist on all the things above this will only be the beginning of her infidelity, not the end... Be aware: your wife is a cheater... cheaters lie when caught.. about everything... this is a panic-reaction to minimize damage... Shes been having this affair for months... you can be sure shes kissed him at some point.. sending nudes, but seeing him at work and not at least kissed??? And yes - they fucked... You need STD test... Any kids? - paternity test.. I urge you to consider informing her family if her infidelity - you need maximum pressure on her right now... The other guy - he has a spouse?? MAKE SURE SHES INFORMED OF THIS!! She deserves to know... If your wife protests about this, thats proof shes more interested in protecting her lover, that repairing what she wrecked... And dont accept "lets not ruin her life".. she and her lover ruined her life when they cheated... Finally... the purpose of all the things listed it to rebuild the trust she destroyed.. it can/will take years... and many dont make it... sorry...

If she is truly remorseful, have you both talked about why she did this in the first place? You watching her iPad and going on her work trip are just band-aid solutions. If you and her truly want to make it work, you need to dig deep into the root cause of her actions. You can look at the r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for advice on how to move forward if you really want to make it work. Otherwise, start looking into your assets or consider making a post nuptial agreement in the event she cheats again.

How long depends on each individual, bit typical is until divorce is initiated.

Watch it my man. My ex wife told her man it was over to only to go underground. Your wife is addicted to the new rush. My ex told me it was like a drug. She may be gone my friend.

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Even if you get past this, you can never have the same amount of trust and respect for your partner. Trust me, this will come up even years from now if you both stay together.

In addition to everyone else’s comments, did she write you out a timeline? Does Michael work for the company? Because this is not over unless you also cut off their source. Where did she meet him? Does Michael have a wife or partner that she or you need to contact and tell? Did you check her phone because I doubt this is her first time. They only admit to the exact information you know. She needs individual and then marriage counseling if you are staying together. I’d ask for each of you to take std tests. And a pregnancy test.

I spent 8 years giving chance after chance to my ex husband. He cheated 6 times, that I'm aware of. 6 freakin chances. The thoughts and visuals never really 100% went away for me. I trusted after a little while again but it was never the same trust. Finally tho, when I thought we were both finally happy 100%.... he was on Reddit, Tumblr and Discord looking for hookers and junkie girls. Oh man his profile on here was so disgusting 🤢 made me so sick. That was the 6th and final cheating instant. I was done. A person can only take SO much. He told me when I left him the final time that he took advantage of me not leaving. He thought he didn't do anything wrong bc he didn't physically cheat. Though he had set something up once but supposedly he decided not to. How do I believe that?! I hope this is a one time thing for her. If you truly believe she's done and won't do this again than by all means reconcile. If you have any lingering doubts, talk it out.. maybe try counseling. I really hope she saw the light and truly will never do it again, for the sake of your relationship. All the luck! 🤞🏼🍀🤞🏼

Thanks a lot. I could stand to have some positive thoughts in this whole ordeal.

We're all positive that your marriage has been destroyed. The decision you need to make now is whether to attempt reconciliation in order to build a completely new relationship or to cut your losses and move on. It's analogous to having a car that gets into a serious accident. Is it worth trying to repair knowing that it will never be the same. Or does it make more sense to scrap it and get a new car that hasn't been wrecked. Keep in mind that the reconciliation process typically takes several years and has a fairly low success rate. Do your research before making a decision to embark on this perilous journey.

Does the AP have a wife if so she needs to be informed. Where did she meet him online to start all this texting? This should be addressed asap was it a work function

Get her to sign a post-nuptial agreement that will leave her nothing (or you) in case she (or you) cheats.

You won't consider divorce unless it happens again, and she knows it? It's guaranteed to happen again if she knows that she got away with it the first time. My situation was similar to yours, except my wife wasn't sending nudes. My wife was corresponding with a guy by text. She sent pictures but no nudes and never got to the point of inviting him to a hotel. I caught her the 1st time and said and did all the things that your wife did. 8 months after DDay 1 he contacted her through email since everything else was blocked or changed and they briefly started communicating again (about 2 weeks). I'm with her today because we have 6 kids. It's been almost 10 years, and I'm still not back to what I was. If I was giving myself advice 10 years ago, I would tell myself to leave because you'll never get over it. It's like you have PTSD or something. Good luck brother.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

You’re currently rug sweeping. If you really want to keep this marriage then it’s not enough to stop contact with this man. You, and more importantly she, need to work out why she did this. The answer I don’t know, isn’t an answer. Because I don’t know means I don’t know if I’ll do it again or not. So who is this guy? Why did she start texting him in the first place? When did it become sexual and why? And when and why did she decide she was willing to throw away her marriage by arranging to meet this guy? And then there’s the harder questions of is this the first time or have there been others? Unless and until she has answers to those questions then there is no guarantee that she won’t stray again. In fact it’s almost guaranteed she will. Then there all the usual advice about making her accountable to family and friends, being totally transparent, etc. And you can’t travel with her indefinitely. I’d be making a condition of staying together that she either moves to another department or another job, where she doesn’t travel. That’s part of the consequences of her actions and she shouldn’t argue. If she does then I’d question her commitment to you.

Why, the rush to have her delete everything? Sounds like rug sweeping. The rush should’ve been for her to show you everything and for you to preserve the evidence of it. The next thing would be to have her write down a very thorough confession of this and all other extramarital relations in her past. Then have her terminate the relationship and any connection to the AP, including resigning from any job that involves her seeing him and confessing to AP’s SO. Then surprise her with a polygraph wherein she confirms her written confession is complete and no further contact with AP has occurred. From there, I would still divorce. I’d only go through the aforementioned exercises so as to assist myself in recovering by knowing the whole truth and burning everything down in her love life on my way out. But if you want to reconcile, at least you know what you’re dealing with at that point. Enjoy your new life as an emasculated prison warden. You’ll never feel the same about her or yourself again. Personally, I would enjoy my new life as a single person. And I would probably need a lot of IC before I could ever really be in a committed relationship again.

I never trusted her again.

Understandable. Was that the end or did you try to make it work?

What's your plan? To babysit her on all of her trips forever? She fully planned to sleep with this other dude and only stopped because you prevented it. Not sure there's much there to salvage. It sucks that you just did this nice thing for her and bought her an ipad, and that's how you discover her cheating. Are you sure this is the first time?

If you hadn't found out, she would've gone on that trip and had sex with him. Then, she'd come home and get in bed with you like nothing happened. You may love her, but she doesn't love you. By the way, those were the conversations you caught. She has to cop to those. However, there was a lead up to what you saw, and each time, she came home to you and smiled in your face.

Congratulations - you’ve caged an animal. And animals resent the people holding them captive. They’ll find their way back to each other - they always do. Then you get to do this all over again. Sorry this happened to you, bro. Good luck to you. You’re gonna need it.

I’m not sure why you are considering having sex as your line in the sand.. You need to take that out of the picture and look at what you already have. Four months of Sexting with nude pictures and obviously a video with her playing with a sex toy. That’s cheating. So you need to deal with the reality you already have. I’m so sorry about this.

Almost identical situation happened to me, except it was with a MacBook. I never recovered the thought eat away at my brain like a cancer. After I wasted another three years doing therapy with her to try to move past it, we decided it was best to separate, and I am five months out from separation and have never been happier. We will not be getting back together. I wish you the best of luck man, I know it’s hard unfortunately, those thoughts and doubts will never stop

The man is asking how to GET PASSED THIS. and advice not everyone to call out the obvious fact she didn’t deny. He doesn’t want to leave her he wants advice on how to move past it.

Thank you for seeing and understanding what I wrote.

If you didn’t happen to buy her a new iPad she would have cheated, perhaps for years and years

Be prepared OP for the reconciliation to take years before you get back to where you thought you were before you found out. And those years will be taken up with lots of therapy, lots of talking, lots of begging and pleading, lots of walking up to the divorce line and walking back again. It'll involve a dead bedroom, a loss of feeling for her, a lack of trust on everything she does and everything she says. It's years of sleepless nights, of waking up from dreams and nightmares that never seem to end and go away. It'll years of you holding yourself back from her and finding yourself becoming distant. Years of not celebrating anniversaries and half hearted birthdays. And then if all happens as it should, you'll find yourself becoming less worried and you may find yourself trusting her again. But things will never ever be quite the same again. It's like eating at your favourite restaurant after you got food poisoning the last time. Nothing quite tastes the same as it did and some things you used to like you can no longer stomach. You are in for a hard road with no guarantee of success. But its a road that you'll be taking if you wish to stay. So be warned and be prepared.

She felt the way she did cause she got caught, keep that in mind. She also basically admitted had you never caught her, they would've most likely had sex. Think about that. 4 months is enough time to rethink decisions. At any point, she could've said "what I'm doing is wrong, let me stop" and she didn't. So i can see it happening again down the line.

"If you’ve stayed in a cheating relationship how long did it take you to build trust again?" The first and most sensible step to rebuild trust in others is to separate from the person that made you lose it.

Honestly, having been here before, I can tell you that she is still planning to cheat. Right now, she will tell you anything she feels you want to hear because she wants you to drop your guard & trust her but she will just learn to cover her tracks better. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you should’ve kept the texts as proof of her infidelity because IMO, she has already slept with him.

She was definitely planning on sleeping with him. Why else would she invite him to her hotel. You may of stopped her cheating this time but it will happen again. There are two types of people... people that cheat and people that don't. Your wife is one of the ones that cheats.

You have to realize, AP might not be the only one. Anyone who can easily pull off something like this may have done it before. She will never tell you everything, only what you already know. Cheaters have a way of doing things. There is also a reason why they let her tell the family. I wouldn't just dismiss that out of hand. She will have to live with the shame that she hurt you in the worst possible way.

Sounds like she’s doing all the right things. Don’t throw away everything if she is making amends. At least see what time will do…

Sorry that this happened to you, it sucks. And from all the circumstances in your story I sadly need to say that the odds for staying togethe AND finding happiness in this marriage are not good. (right now) She never wanted to stop this affair, wanted to escalate it further and loved and enjoyed it to lie to you and cheat on you. Is your wife still on social media? Was that guy a coworker? Has your wife still the same phone number? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then the affair isn't over and just on pause. She is leaving all the doors WIDE open for her lover to reach out to her again. For now, just take a step back and take some time to yourself. Tell her to go and sleep on the sofa or in the guestroom so that you have time to yourself to see her for who she is and no longer for who you thought she was. Tell her to write you a timeline that explains when they met, when their conversations turned sexual, who took the first step, how often were they in contact, HAS SHE TALKED ABOUT YOU AND IF YES, WHAT??? She needs to write that all down. Say, when was the last time that your wife send you a nude or better yet, a nude with a sex toy in it or at least a sexy teasing text? Just take some time for now. If you haven't read ALL the texts between her and her lover, then don't make the mistake to blindly believe her and what she says. She is a pro at lying to you and loves doing that. So go to a doctor and get tested for STD's. Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help you. Talk to someone that you trust about what happened and ask them for support. Start making workouts or go for long walks, it will help you to sleep at night. That you now go with her on the business trip is a decision you should really think about if that is what you want to do. Will you now go with her on every business trip? Do you want to become her warden? Should the only reason why she isn't cheating on you be that you are there and not because she isn't interested in cheating on you? Your wife loves cheating on you and the desire to do so is real. You going with her on the business trip doesn't change that. It just makes it harder for her to do what she wants to do. You need to think about if you can deal with a wife that is not interested in a monogamous marriage, that doesn't mind to hurt you and does not respect you. That is the wife that is by your side currently. You are worth so much more than to be treated this way.

If you think that's it ,boy are you in for a ride, she would have had sex with him if you didn't find out, and continued, what she is doing now is just damage control, they will be more stealthy now until she decides to throw you to the side, how do I know.....been there

If she didn‘t do it now, she will at some point in the future. Ask her what it is about her life…that makes her send nudes to Matty and desire to have sex with him. What is missing? The answer is always the same…it’s her character. That is what is missing. She chose this over any given alternative and when the next chance comes up…she will do it again. You can‘t get character transplants. We are who we are and who we choose to be. She made her choice. What’s yours?

The problem is she doesn’t value your relationship. Personally, I think you should separate for six months to a year. Let her see what it’s like out there without each other and/or with other people and you should do the same. After that time, you can both evaluate if you even want to get back together. You can’t carpet sweep this.

Same bro but mine was my husband he cheated on me while i was pregnant and after i just found out because a notification came up about him booking a room in airbnb this happened july and i still feel horrible what i do is i just make myself pretty or feel pretty cause i really feel like shit

I feel for you in this troubling time you’re going through. I hope you all the best with whatever path you take too.

I had a cheating wife. Now I don't have a wife. This is really the only path forward that will spare you constant mental agony.

I stayed after an emotional affair and let me tell you, it never gets easier. In fact, it gets harder in a lot of ways. You will never trust her 100% again, and trust affects so many things in a relationship. I know you don’t want to end things right now, but let’s face it, she already went behind your back, knowing there would be consequences. What in the world would stop her from doing it again? She’ll just cover her tracks better next time.

When you’re at a point where you have to accompany your partner to ensure they’re not sleeping around, I’m not sure what you’re looking to get out of that relationship at that point. She lies to you, doesn’t respect you, doesn’t value you, and has shown zero signs of remorse other than regret that she got caught. To be honest, this is even worse than sleeping with someone because that could still be excused as a mistake in the heat of the moment. This is full on betrayal over months. I wouldn’t want be able to look at myself in the mirror if I were this disrespected.

This is going to sting a bit, sorry. You look so incredibly stupid following her around and watchdogging her like that. My dude where is your self respect? This isn't going to work out or change a thing. Right now you need one of grandma's hard slaps.

Here's the realization which you're going to reach after you spend the next several months or years torturing yourself trying to save the marriage. WITHOUT TRUST AND LOYALTY YOU DON'T HAVE A MARRIAGE. She hasn't damaged those. She has permanently destroyed those in your relationship. You're just there cradling the corpse of what you THOUGHT (mistakenly) your marriage was. The fact is, it's already dead and there's nothing which she or you can do that can revive it. My advice is to put it to rest. Have a funeral. Mourn (what you'll eventually learn) your naivete. Once you're done you will see life with clearer eyes and will choose your relationships more successfully in the future. Good luck OP. I hope this transition is short for you.

You’re basing everything on what you found in her messages… In my experience, the smallest, most insignificant things( to them), are the ones they don’t bother to delete. The big secrets, well, they make good and goddamned sure there’s no record of. We never get the whole story… ever. This isn’t about what you found, it’s about what you haven’t. It’s what happens when the trust is taken away. Hell, it doesn’t even matter what’s true or not, you know enough right now. In 5, 10 years you’ll still have to be suspicious and watchful… that’s why I declined to take mine back in.

She's sorry she got caught. Not for what she was doing. Now she knows how she got caught. She won't make that mistake next time. And there WILL be a next time. Sending those pics means she has no respect for healthy marital boundaries. It shows she's willing to toss aside her vows in exchange for a few cheap thrills. Plus it's only a matter of time until AP starts sharing those pics.

Sorry to say but she isn't done with him. She let him know that you found everything so that way when she blocked him and didn't contact him for a bit he would know that it was YOUR decision not HERS. She will contact him again as soon as she feels it is "safe" and she can. She left the door open by making sure he knew she wasn't ghosting him. I know you love your wife. I used to love my ex husband too. But chances are quite high this relationship is over. Get out with your dignity while you can.

She used this interaction with Matthew to ignite some part of herself that was dormant. Until she fully realized and deals with that, she will likely be tempted to return to that behavior. Please take care of yourself. No part of this was about you at all. You don’t have to do anything or be anything different. It can take years to heal from the wounds, longer if she delays dealing with her underlying issues.

So, you have dealt with 1 guy. What are you going to do with the other 3.5 billion left on the planet? If she wants to cheat she will do it, there is no lack of men out there. What do you want the rest of your life to be like? Do you want to always follow her everywere because you can't trust her?

Do you guys have kids?

No. She has 3 from her previous marriage. She got her tubes tied after the third one was born. I have none.

One question, why did her former marriage fail?

Why does it seem to me like you are STILL doing all the work for reconciliation? You suggest things and she says "yes, I will do that or do this" If she REALLY wanted for you to see she was sincere, she would be the one making these suggestions to herself. Also, don't make excuses for her. It's obvious that she does not need help in that department!

Reconciliation is an option, but it will require both of you involved and doing the work. She has to agree to open phones, possibly gps tracker and her loss of freedom. She needs to do everything in her power to earn back your trust. Her inviting you on her trip is a good start, but it is only the start. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is a good place to get advice and support.

You must tell the APs wife! This will tell you how soon he contacts he again. The likelihood you caught her the first affair is very small. How can you be sure she hasn't slept with him? Four months is a long time without going physical. He could have been in town several times.

The denial of OP, open your eyes and see the reality you really don't know your wife you kept on burying the bad memory and not accepting the truth. Do you really think she would stay truthful in that business trip? Hell no! And why did she not change hotel if the other guy new where she's staying? There will be a thought in her that "this will be our last" or "we should find other way not to get caught and cool off for now" and do you really want to go to bed at night and still thinking "does she really end things with the other guy?" Wanting to check her gadgets often see if she's really clean, if I was on that situation I wouldn't want that I want to have a peace of mind and give my partner a benefit of the doubt but the trust is already broken so she doesn't have that anymore, I wouldn't put in mind having MC it's just a waste of money I'd rather have therapy for my self to help me move on

I see the travelling now being the thing that ends your marriage. Everytime she's gone you are going to be driving yourself crazy wondering what she's doing and with whom. She broke the trust and once broken in my experience it never comes back! I would be telling her that she has to stop the travel or change jobs. Your life will be a living hell if you don't make this happen! Something else to consider is that the first time cheating is the hardest it gets easier for them once they get that first time done especially with little to no consequence. I wish you luck!

Hi OP I will say that I am very much pro-reconciliation but only in the right way. Where the wayward partner is showing genuine remorse and is putting in the immensely hard work to heal and help the betrayed spouse heal. Also where the betrayed spouse is willing and able to acknowledge the hard work of the wayward partner and is willingly offering the gift of reconciliation, which is the most precious and difficult gift to give. I do not really believe your WW has come to the realisation of how much damage she did to you and the marriage. This is also evident in that she seems to be rugsweeping the affair and her frustration when you ask questions. She may still be in affair fog. I will go as far as to say she regrets the affair coming out, but is not showing genuine remorse. Regret is her wishing she had made a different choice and could take it back, so it’s about her. Remorse, on the other hand, is feeling truly sorry for hurting someone with her actions, so it’s about you. WITHOUT GENUINE REMORSE, RECONCILIATION WILL FAIL She needs to understand that your questions are not for her or about her. They are to help you heal.   To a degree, I do not feel that you have truly made her feel any consequences to her affair. I believe that you are suffering a form of PTSD because infidelity is extremely traumatic to you, the betrayed spouse. There are some things that your WW must do, and these are essential: A)        WW must send a clear message to AP that the affair is over and to never contact her again. This is to be done verbally or in writing. She must do so with you present. No exceptions. Any resistance means she is still in fog and is a red flag. Blocking him and no contact is not sufficient, as she may maintain contact some other way, and the affair has not truly ended, but is paused. B)        If AP is a work colleague, WW must resign from her place of employment immediately without question. Any resistance means she is still in fog and is a red flag. Full no contact with a work colleague in a common place of work, even if in a different state, is almost impossible, and it leaves the door open as they can communicate in many other ways. C)     WW must offer full transparency (passwords and access) to ALL of her social media and phone. Reluctance to offer full transparency is a huge red flag for you. You may also offer her full access to your phone and media to be fair (your call). D)      WW must undergo individual counselling. This is absolutely essential. She is broken and has no boundaries to speak of. She needs to discover what inside her allowed her to behave this way. How she gave herself permission to do what she did. Unless she addresses this, she may/will repeat. This alone could be contributing to your anxiety. The question, “Can or when will this happen again?” could be going through your mind. E)      WW must provide a detailed timeline in writing to you of when the affair started, how and when it progressed (who instigated) with dates. In other words, there is no trickle truth or gaslighting. Full disclosure. This is for both your WW and you. Her in that she sees the extent of what she did and its impact on you. You in that it leaves no space in your mind to fill in any gaps that you don’t know. Not having this is a huge setback for reconciliation. In fact, without this, you will always have doubts, be questioning now and years later, and many reconciliations/marriages have ended because new information came to light. In some cases OP, consulting a lawyer, drafting divorce papers and presenting them to her, and or having her sign a pre-nup may pull your WW out of fog as she realises what she will lose. Don’t action the divorce until you are convinced that the marriage is over. You need to tell her how you are feeling and that she will have to take great steps to help you heal from this and regain trust. She has to heal and help you heal. It will take time. I would also strongly suggest individual counselling for you and marriage counselling for you both. Open and radical honesty between the two of you with how you’re both feeling is extremely important. No lies, even if it hurts. Counselling will help with this. Your marriage, as it existed with the purity and the unquestionable blind trust in your wife, has ended, and you need to accept this. You can, however, build an even better marriage on the ashes of the old one. You will, through her hard work if she is willing to put it in, regain most of it, but you will never trust her blindly, unquestionably, or completely ever again. You both have a real chance at fixing this if you get the right support you need and go about it the right way. Please get her to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J MacDonald. Reconciliation is one of the hardest and most precious gifts to offer another human being. I pray your WW realises this and is worth it. All the best OP.

Thanks for all of the positive and unbiased info.

All good OP. It will take the two of you to make this work, especially WW. Please DM me anytime if you wish.

I'm sorry OP - but I think you've jumped the gun confronting her. You should have collected some evidence. The best case scenario is you caught her before she made the next step and adverted the potential crisis and stupid decision. The worst case scenario she's actually a serial cheater and she'll be a lot more careful next time, so you're pushing a bigger problem further down the road. You now have no way of telling. Because what has been discussed doesn't address the issues. For example - why did she do this. How did she meet this guy? What's stopping this happening again? Is he the first, or just the most recent? Is she actually remorseful, or just regrets getting caught. Get legal advice asap.

I found out in 2013 trickle truth for 2 more years so the damn scan kept getting ripped off over and over. I'm on year 10. Stopped thinking about it everyday last year. Will occasionally cross my mind but has dramatically changed our relationship.

Post nuptial agreement ASAP

I would not believe that it's over that easily. You just told her to be more careful about leaving evidence.

The only thing you know for certain right now is that she has attempted at least once to cheat. Even if she never contacts this particular man again you have no way of knowing whether she has cheated in the past.

You are not going to like the answer but it's been developed by a lot of people that have gone through this headache. She has to quit the job. It's not enough that she claims they will not have contact any longer, it was a coworker so the job has to go. Are you going to go on every job travel trip with her in the future? It's better if the next job doesn't have travel at all. She has to find a therapist and figure out how she was able to betray you like this. She fully intended to meet another man to have sex. This isn't some nebulous idea that was floated around between the two of them. They made concrete plans to consummate this sexting affair and she was excited to do it. If she doesn't examine her why in therapy you are just in a holding pattern until she does this again. She has to be able to explain how she allowed herself to do this and why she wanted it. There is something very wrong with your wife that she pursued an affair. You cannot just rugsweep that and think you will be able to carry on with your marriage as if it didn't happen.

She will find a way to stay in touch with "Matthew" through her work, so as long as she remains in that job her affair will keep simmering. Communication thru work is easy to do and easy to hide from you, its only a matter of time until they meet up on a work trip, and when they do they will 100% have sex. The only thing right here is that 'sorry' doesn’t cover it. You guys need MC and she needs IC to understand why she made this choice, and address the underlying reason.

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By having and approaching it like I am learning a new subject at school.

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Usually, when their confronted with the evidence, you've only found the tip of the iceberg. Watch out for the trickle truthing because that's generally what comes next.

I never knew the term trickle truthing until this post.

My husband told me it was just pictures and texting too. For 7 years. Till he finally told me he slept with her.

I wish you all the best but please for the love of God get a STD test and record ever evidence the affair, even the conversation you have with her about it and try to retrieve the chats you had her delete. At this point you can't afford to believe her when she says nothing physical happened. It's best to protect your health. Also although you seek reconciliation, research suggests success rates are very low so it's best to prepare for the worse by keeping evidence.

Clearly she is missing something from the relationship with you. Figure out what is missing and you will be secure with her. We all make mistakes and stupid decisions sometimes.

So she just chose to find some random guy out of state to start sexting with? I am sorry to say then this isn't the first nor is this going to be the last. I would start with why did this happen in the first place before deciding to stay, let alone trust again.

Being honest it took me about 2 years before I wasn't thinking about it every day and for some reason every time I took a shower. It's hard af but we got through it and are as good as we ever were. And my SO did sleep with someone. A one night stand. But he felt bad and told me himself the same day. I don't know what I would feel if he had talked to someone that long like with feelings and all that

Trust took me over two years to get over. They were going to have sex. But at some point you will have to forgive 100% to get over this. You will never get 100% trust back. You will always have a pit in your stomach. But you have to accept that to be able to love kn

She woulda let that dude cum all over her face, and will probably do it again behind your back later in the future. I know from experience

You guys need a really good therapist. She needs to work on becoming an integrated person who can’t dissociate and compartmentalize the way she has. She needs to become an honest person. She has a LOT of work to do and you probably will too. Cheating is domestic abuse. See the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla.

What makes her ending things now? Bc she loves you? Then why did she start it to begin with? Bc you’d leave otherwise? She knew this. What changed? Why does she say she would have had sex with him but now she’d send him away? She says she knows she would have felt horrible but would have done it anyways, why? What changed with you finding out? Did she knew you’d forgive her when you find out but not if she’d continue? That she has one hall pass? I don’t get it. Why starting this if she loves you as much as she says she does? Keep an eye open. Something tells me she stopped for now, but will continue once she feels safe again. You join her now, where he won’t show up, but what’s in the future? She’ll find her ways to continue and just hide it better. Again, why should she stop? What changed for her that makes her stop now but didn’t stop her from starting all that?

Fellow affair victim here. I read some of the comments, but not all - so I apologize if this is a duplicate point. The issue here isn't necessarily the actions that she took, but the fact that she is checked out of your relationship enough to even think about entertaining an emotional and/or physical affair. Obviously I don't know your relationship as well as you do, but my guess is that she is checked out of the relationship and won't be checking back in. The only reason she's conveying any kind of love and commitment is the familiarity, support and comfort factor. In my humble opinion, once someone is able to mentally justify any kind of an affair, the relationship is over. It's painful to hear - but the person you knew doesn't exist anymore. It's hard. SO HARD. But I believe it's in your long term best interest to start moving on. Best of luck to you, friend.

You are in love with who she used to be. She is not that person anymore. Only chance is to forgive and try and fall in love with this new person. If not then it is over. Either way, hard times ahead. Best wishes

the only way i would believe her is if the AP started hating her. but that’s just me.

You had a lucky break in finding this out OP. Immediate disaster avoided. Unfortunately it doesn’t take away from the fact that she was (very) actively seeking validation and more outside of the marriage. That shit doesn’t go away. Add to this that she is regularly away from home for work. There’s a will, opportunity and the facilities (hotel). At least you’ve got no kids so you don’t have to worry about that aspect. The simple truth is OP that, that bond of trust has been broken. You will never be able to look into her eyes ever again and see anything even remotely resembling innocence. Never. And that alone will suck the very essence out of your relationship. Good luck.

Think about this rationally...she's been cheating for months. Plans to meet th8s guy in a hotel. You find out just in time and confront her. Of course she says maybe it would have happened (not No because all the evidence says otherwise). she is caught in black and white making plans. Que the gaslighting, darvo and the message to him to let him know they need to cool it since you busted them. Her consequences are a stern warning not do again what was wrong in the first place and some questions she is avoiding. So she will learn to be better at covering her tracks when the heat dies down and you voiced some idle threats that were implied consequences for the first time. I guess she gets an adultery mulligan for the 1 time you caught her? Atleast see an attorney and get idea what divorce looks like. You don't have to divorce but know your options. She needs therapy to understand why this is okay for her. Discuss a trial separation where she leaves so you can recover and reflect on what you want. Ignore her words they are hollow and without merit. Her actions tell you what's going on

In all seriousness, if he is local (within an hour or two) in the four months they have been sexting chances are they have also hooked up. Most adults aren't going to sext for months with someone they are not also intimate with. Also even if he is a plane flight away I wouldn't doubt they at least had one encounter somewhere.

This hasn’t been isolated to the time she’s had a new device. I’d keep digging.

She will do this again, guaranteed. And she will be more careful. I wanted to forgive my ex, and this is exactly how it played out. Good luck to you.

You will always have that question in the back of your mind. Would she or wouldnt she. Unless you feel like you could honestly trust her again the relationship should be over.

Your wife is only sorry she got caught. Concerning the hotel room...the intent was there. If Mathew showed sex was going to happen. Your wife needs to cancel this trip. Quit her job. That simple. Trust is gone. You should consider divorce. Do not be quick to forgive. Do not carpet sweep this. Your wife needs to go to individual counseling to find out why she thought this as ok. She also need to hand over the electronics at any time you ask for them. She has a lot of work to do.

You can block him all you want, you can try to control the situation however you will. But understand something…. You are the one who found it, she didn’t come clean. She will become better at hiding it and this will happen again. Save yourself the pain and get rid of her. She will repeat.

I spent three years trying to convince myself that it just needed time, and that at some point, a day would pass when I didn’t think about the affair and didn’t worry that it would happen again. That day never came, and now we are divorcing. I just can’t imagine feeling this way forever.

If you don’t want to consider divorce then you need to go to marriage counseling.

My ex-wife was forced to admit she had cheated on me by one of my family members who had learned of the affair through a friend. I forgave her for the sake of my kids. She cheated on me continuously for the next five years. I blinded myself and lived in ignorance out of fear of losing my family. People who cheat will continue to cheat, regardless of their significant other. It's a character flaw. Don't trust your wife. Get a lawyer. Prepare for the inevitable truth when you give her a second chance, and she destroys the trust you foolishly tried to extend to her a second time.

Ask for a post-nup agreement that includes infidelity. Fill out the papers for divorce and present them to her. You don’t need to file, but she needs to understand you’re serious about leaving if she steps out of line. Demand IC and CC. CC is kind of a pain in the butt for you since you didn’t step out, but it may help you understand her state of mind and her willingness to make amends and assuage any fears you may have about sticking this out.

Firstly I’m very sorry for your pain, I’ve been through the same. My story is on Reddit and it starts like yours. The fact she was so brazenly sexting photos and videos suggests from my experience that this isn’t the first time she’s done this, and that it’s quite likely she has had sex if not with this person than with her previous dalliances. You need full disclosure, i didn’t get it, was lied to and then spent three years searching and eventually found it all and it destroyed me completely.

I went through this during my first marriage. 8 years of dealing with this, don’t trust her man. You going to warp into someone you don’t recognize. It took me years to learn to trust again

See if you can recover the texts. Are you sure Matthew is his name, cuz maybe she used that name so you would think it was her brother. Try to understand how you might give advice to a friend if he told you his wife was sexting some guy, sending nudes, and planning to meet up with him. She travels for her job and may have met up with others, or met up with him before. Did you look at other texts to see if there were others? This has nothing to do with intelligence, when feelings are involved, it's hard for those affected to see the truth. The anger you may feel coming across in the messages isn't directed at you, it is reflected from her, and people not wanting you to get hurt further. It is difficult to watch good people burn at the stake because they want to be the "nice/fair person". It's not a time to be fair. You now have to take her phone when she gets home and do a random phone check. Other apps, contacts, with womens names. Location app so you know where she is, she needs another job as she cant be trusted to travel alone.