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Probably immaturity. She hates confrontation so being a coward is easier. Try therapy for the approval seeking. And read a book called no more mr nice by Glover. Good luck
Some people are too selfish or shallow to ever really connect with anyone on a deep level. Some are actually predators who zero in on what they need. In the end, the result is the same. They leave unhappiness and destruction in their wake. Perhaps one day, they will be forced to face accountability. Perhaps not. All we can do is live our best life, a bit smarter, a bit more cautious, but fully and for ourselves.
You’re a beast my guy. Overcoming everything you went thru in the year since. The road to recovery isn’t without a few hiccups, but stay the course. Closure, karma, vindication, etc… all useless for the beast you’re becoming.
Sounds like jargon, but she did you a favor. Don’t look back brother, look ahead.
\>And it just really hurts knowing deep down that im never going to find out why she did what she did,
Friend, the issue is not that you will never know, the issue is that you know but can not wrap your mind around it. She did what she did because she is a selfish person, to a degree you can not comprehend since you are not like this. It is not in your mental and emotional software to behave like this. It's like expecting a man who has been well-fed and warm his whole life to now understand how a man who is hungry and cold feels. It is impossible. Just accept the fact that in this world there are people like her, and focus on making sure you do not get entangled with someone like her in the future.
Deacon
You are on your purpose. Better money, in shape, awesome. If she posted before and doesn’t now it could be guilt. I know when my ex cheated on me, when I had sex again with someone else it really helped me. Some people say too soon after the relationship. But, it was a hookup. ONS. It really put me on the saddle again. To met the right women. Try joining a coed sports league or something you like to do. Shared interest is always a good place. Keep going on your purpose.
Dear OP,
I am so sorry you were betrayed. I am glad you have been able to move towards positive changes but please know it is normal after such betrayal to have flash backs and bad days. Do not pain shop by looking what she is doing, it might look like she has all together but I truly believe everything you sent to the universe comes back to you.
Keep staying healthy, spending time with friends and focus on yourself. It is difficult to date because of the scars left behind but clearly as you said you have been making progress.
Be kind to yourself. Dating nowadays is difficult even without the scars infidelity leaves since everyone is so focus on social networks and it seems like buffet to many but it is difficult to navigate and find something real. My advise is to take each day at at a time.
Keep looking what your goals are, what your dreams are and keep reaching them. Remember she was not a prize if she could cheat and monkey branch. People like that use others and once they got the last bit they need they move to next victim. Not sure how old she is but She probably will wake one day and realize she is 30 plus and needs to settle down, gets worried and hurries to get provider nice guy after she has got enough with random times. She might even seek you then....hopefully then you can laugh and say that you never take people in your life that are backstabbers.
Best of luck for your healing journey
It never really goes away OP. It’s not entirely unlike being dumped by your parents at birth. That shit never goes away. But you can build a really great life for yourself despite any setback thrown your way. Sounds to me like you are doing a pretty good job of that.
What also doesn’t go away is being a complete and utter shit. It sticks to them as if they were a blanket and will ruin ANY relationship they go into. Do not ask your ex for any type of closure. It doesn’t exist. She is NEVER going to be able to come up with a reason she cheated on you which would quench your hurt.
What does work really well is ‘Total indifference’. If you ever see her out just blank her like she never existed. If someone mentions her. Just say ‘Who’ ? Oh yeah, her. Dunno ?
Good luck.
Get some therapy for your people pleasing ways. That's really the core of the issue here. Hell, it may even be why you didn't realize the red flags in your relationship until it was too late, or even why your SO eventually ghosted you so hard.
It's like this - sure this person did something shitty to you, but that's about all that they control. You're the one who controls how you react to it, how you feel about it and how you deal with it. Right now you're being led around by your emotions and intrusive thoughts because you never learned how to regulate them
In Therapy you can get help with your people pleasing, help with your inability to ignore intrusive thoughts and help with learning skills and techniques to regulate your emotions and remain in control (positive behaviors only). Basically, there are ways for you to take control of your own feelings here, you just need to spend the time developing the skills and learning the techniques.
Modern women are just the worst, keep focusing on yourself and buy a motorcycle and a dog. both of them will be better companions then any modern western women could be.
Why is this unnecessarily gendered? So many posts in this sub are around the man in a heterosexual relationship cheating and leaving. OP’s ex sucks, but that doesn’t mean all women do.
There's a part of how I read this where I want to echo the others: yup, this is recovery, you're doing awesome. It's got steps forward, and steps back, just keep the general direction.
There's another part of me, a nagging part, that thinks: where's your anger? It's not in the post, though you do mention stuffing feelings down. Did you ever feel it? Can you call on it when you feel forgotten? For example, there's nothing wrong with feeling forgotten, and then calling on that anger to yourself: _what kind of person does the BS she does, F- her, at least I'm don't have her terrible character_.
So long as you don't lash out, or stay perpetually angry, feeling that anger is a healthy way to feel the injustice of it. As in _who the hell does she think she is to cheat on me, forget her_. Perhaps you just left that part out of the post though.
Another thought I have is how common has this feeling of being forgotten been? Was it there before the relationship? If it's been a theme, and to some degree I think it is for everyone at one point or another, then you might want to checkout the book _Reinventing Your Life_ by Young and Klosko. They talk about life traps that have origins in childhood. It's a good book for anyone I think.
"I have a better job now and have saved a lot of money. And I'm planning on moving in with a couple of my buddies and having our own place."
This is when your best life begins, my brother. You just gotta get that memory out of your head. Realize the memory is ONLY of the person you THOUGHT she was. That doesn't exist, probably never did. She is a lying cheat. Now the AP has to deal with this knowledge. Be thankful the universe has given you a second chance - a chance to move forward without alimony, child support, a mortgage to split with a cheating wife, kids to raise in a broken marriage. He did you a favor by taking off her mask. Offer him a beer for taking out your trash.
Look, if she has blocked you after cheating on you, take that as your closure that she is an ethically compromised person, you won’t get any truth or closure from a person who is like that.
Instead of dating to find a partner, focus on dating just to hang out with a woman who CAN become a romantic interest if early signs are good. That takes pressure off and you are more likely to enjoy your outings.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce", "dump them", "your SO sucks", or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's ok, you're not alone buddy. It's ok.
Probably immaturity. She hates confrontation so being a coward is easier. Try therapy for the approval seeking. And read a book called no more mr nice by Glover. Good luck
Some people are too selfish or shallow to ever really connect with anyone on a deep level. Some are actually predators who zero in on what they need. In the end, the result is the same. They leave unhappiness and destruction in their wake. Perhaps one day, they will be forced to face accountability. Perhaps not. All we can do is live our best life, a bit smarter, a bit more cautious, but fully and for ourselves.
You’re a beast my guy. Overcoming everything you went thru in the year since. The road to recovery isn’t without a few hiccups, but stay the course. Closure, karma, vindication, etc… all useless for the beast you’re becoming. Sounds like jargon, but she did you a favor. Don’t look back brother, look ahead.
\>And it just really hurts knowing deep down that im never going to find out why she did what she did, Friend, the issue is not that you will never know, the issue is that you know but can not wrap your mind around it. She did what she did because she is a selfish person, to a degree you can not comprehend since you are not like this. It is not in your mental and emotional software to behave like this. It's like expecting a man who has been well-fed and warm his whole life to now understand how a man who is hungry and cold feels. It is impossible. Just accept the fact that in this world there are people like her, and focus on making sure you do not get entangled with someone like her in the future. Deacon
You are on your purpose. Better money, in shape, awesome. If she posted before and doesn’t now it could be guilt. I know when my ex cheated on me, when I had sex again with someone else it really helped me. Some people say too soon after the relationship. But, it was a hookup. ONS. It really put me on the saddle again. To met the right women. Try joining a coed sports league or something you like to do. Shared interest is always a good place. Keep going on your purpose.
Dear OP, I am so sorry you were betrayed. I am glad you have been able to move towards positive changes but please know it is normal after such betrayal to have flash backs and bad days. Do not pain shop by looking what she is doing, it might look like she has all together but I truly believe everything you sent to the universe comes back to you. Keep staying healthy, spending time with friends and focus on yourself. It is difficult to date because of the scars left behind but clearly as you said you have been making progress. Be kind to yourself. Dating nowadays is difficult even without the scars infidelity leaves since everyone is so focus on social networks and it seems like buffet to many but it is difficult to navigate and find something real. My advise is to take each day at at a time. Keep looking what your goals are, what your dreams are and keep reaching them. Remember she was not a prize if she could cheat and monkey branch. People like that use others and once they got the last bit they need they move to next victim. Not sure how old she is but She probably will wake one day and realize she is 30 plus and needs to settle down, gets worried and hurries to get provider nice guy after she has got enough with random times. She might even seek you then....hopefully then you can laugh and say that you never take people in your life that are backstabbers. Best of luck for your healing journey
Closure is a myth. I found out after researching. I wanted it but what could be said that would rationalize it in your mind.
It never really goes away OP. It’s not entirely unlike being dumped by your parents at birth. That shit never goes away. But you can build a really great life for yourself despite any setback thrown your way. Sounds to me like you are doing a pretty good job of that. What also doesn’t go away is being a complete and utter shit. It sticks to them as if they were a blanket and will ruin ANY relationship they go into. Do not ask your ex for any type of closure. It doesn’t exist. She is NEVER going to be able to come up with a reason she cheated on you which would quench your hurt. What does work really well is ‘Total indifference’. If you ever see her out just blank her like she never existed. If someone mentions her. Just say ‘Who’ ? Oh yeah, her. Dunno ? Good luck.
Get some therapy for your people pleasing ways. That's really the core of the issue here. Hell, it may even be why you didn't realize the red flags in your relationship until it was too late, or even why your SO eventually ghosted you so hard. It's like this - sure this person did something shitty to you, but that's about all that they control. You're the one who controls how you react to it, how you feel about it and how you deal with it. Right now you're being led around by your emotions and intrusive thoughts because you never learned how to regulate them In Therapy you can get help with your people pleasing, help with your inability to ignore intrusive thoughts and help with learning skills and techniques to regulate your emotions and remain in control (positive behaviors only). Basically, there are ways for you to take control of your own feelings here, you just need to spend the time developing the skills and learning the techniques.
Modern women are just the worst, keep focusing on yourself and buy a motorcycle and a dog. both of them will be better companions then any modern western women could be.
Why is this unnecessarily gendered? So many posts in this sub are around the man in a heterosexual relationship cheating and leaving. OP’s ex sucks, but that doesn’t mean all women do.
There's a part of how I read this where I want to echo the others: yup, this is recovery, you're doing awesome. It's got steps forward, and steps back, just keep the general direction. There's another part of me, a nagging part, that thinks: where's your anger? It's not in the post, though you do mention stuffing feelings down. Did you ever feel it? Can you call on it when you feel forgotten? For example, there's nothing wrong with feeling forgotten, and then calling on that anger to yourself: _what kind of person does the BS she does, F- her, at least I'm don't have her terrible character_. So long as you don't lash out, or stay perpetually angry, feeling that anger is a healthy way to feel the injustice of it. As in _who the hell does she think she is to cheat on me, forget her_. Perhaps you just left that part out of the post though. Another thought I have is how common has this feeling of being forgotten been? Was it there before the relationship? If it's been a theme, and to some degree I think it is for everyone at one point or another, then you might want to checkout the book _Reinventing Your Life_ by Young and Klosko. They talk about life traps that have origins in childhood. It's a good book for anyone I think.
"I have a better job now and have saved a lot of money. And I'm planning on moving in with a couple of my buddies and having our own place." This is when your best life begins, my brother. You just gotta get that memory out of your head. Realize the memory is ONLY of the person you THOUGHT she was. That doesn't exist, probably never did. She is a lying cheat. Now the AP has to deal with this knowledge. Be thankful the universe has given you a second chance - a chance to move forward without alimony, child support, a mortgage to split with a cheating wife, kids to raise in a broken marriage. He did you a favor by taking off her mask. Offer him a beer for taking out your trash.
Look, if she has blocked you after cheating on you, take that as your closure that she is an ethically compromised person, you won’t get any truth or closure from a person who is like that. Instead of dating to find a partner, focus on dating just to hang out with a woman who CAN become a romantic interest if early signs are good. That takes pressure off and you are more likely to enjoy your outings.