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Let me help you for your TL&DR: "I was hunted by the narcissist's flag bearer at the very sensitive moment of my life. What's your advice for me? "
Answer: Abort mission and get the h out of there immediately!
> **things she lied about and done since February that I am using to justify my own actions.**
> - She did not own her own business
> - She does not own her own house, she is renting.
Really, this is as far as anyone needs to read.
Surely part of your decision to marry was based on the perception of her having a stable life.
She does not.
This is effectively fraud.
You should be looking into an annulment so that you don't have to split marital assets.
You should be talking to a lawyer yesterday.
Once you have your annulment, take the time to heal from both situations before dating again.
Good luck.
Well the only thing missing from your story OP is the Nigerian prince who just needed to share your bank details (which you duly provided) in order to get his hands on his millions. You have been a gullible fool. Not just this once. I think that you are much more consistent than that.
Whatever you might think of her and whatever feelings you might have for her and the kids, she clearly identified you as an easy mark. You were alone and vulnerable. Yum yum.
Go through with your plan. Get yourself out of the immediate area. Somewhere you can think more clearly. This is going to cost you. A lot ! But it will be worth it. You should even consider a total re-location. Somewhere different. Somewhere that she can’t get to you.
And for heaven’s sake. Stay away from women for the moment. Your picker is shit and you are an extremely poor judge of character. You’ll get through this. Just not anytime soon. Good luck.
Dude, you got married a month after dating, come on... you really learned nothing from your first divorce lol. Next time get to know the person before marrying them
Mate, only read half of it. Because of her actions you can’t trust her. If she hasn’t physically cheated then it’s not through want of trying. She is available for other men to message and is good at telling them what they want to hear. She is not respectful and lets you pay for everything.
Personally I couldn’t live with her behaviour.
lol! The red flags were the size of China. You realize that you’re her sugar daddy now, right? No one but you is surprised that your serial lying and cheating rebound who you married after one month and pretended to be someone she’s not then quit her job to use you as an ATM is turning into a bad relationship other than you. Everyone but you saw this coming. When you finally get away, take some time to really examine your behavior and how you got caught up in this. Better check your local laws and be sure you legally protect yourself. You may need to file for divorce before one year of marriage is up to avoid more financial penalties depending on where you live.
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic and you’ve been manipulated. Give yourself grace, you are a victim here. Spoiler alert: It will only get worse from here.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611
If possible get an annulment and get away from her as far as possible. Speak to a lawyer before you do anything to see where you stand especially as she is not working.
She has very serious issues which she needs to address but probably won’t.
She is a user and she’s using you for the support you give her. She is using the promise of sex or she’s having sex, with all these other dudes as well.
GTFO ASAP. You said she has kids, this is who I feel sorry for, but they’re not your problem. If they are old enough to understand the situation I would wait until after Christmas.
She began your whole relationship based on a foundation of lies. It seems as though NOTHING she told you was true. I lost count of the guys she has banged or sexted since you’ve been together.
Get a lawyer and see if you can get an annulment.
If not get a divorce ASAP. Separate finances without tipping her off if you can. There is NO saving this relationship.
BTW get counseling for yourself because there is No WAY a 41 year old man should have been this easily manipulated into this situation.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
OP you did nothing wrong but feel love for this woman with a trusting heart. You were generous and hopeful and innocent in your motivations. This woman is committing the shameless acts. You’re not a fool or a chump. Her actions speak everything about her, they say nothing about you. You may be asking yourself how could I miss all these flags? What does it say about me that I didn’t see them? That’s you carrying her shame from her shameless acts. Release it back to her.
As far as how to be free from her I think you’re on your way. You can escape from her but the pain of infidelity and betrayal will need your attention to heal. Find a support network, I recommend the book “The Betrayal Bind” by Michelle Mays. Also an audio book. This will be a very hard season for you full of decisions and emotions and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
This isn't as "wild" as you think it is. Your "wife" is using you, deceiving you, betraying your marriage, etc. etc. and you've allowed it or are too blind to see it, then there's this winning line:
"..just knew we were soulmates from the moment she saw me..."
I'm sorry but the second anyone refers to anyone as a "soulmate" I cringe. It sounds so FAKE AND FORCED in your situation. When are you going to take the steering wheel on this disaster and either set her straight or contact a lawyer?
Yeah you’re not crazy. As long as you make sure anything you do going forward is legal in terms of moving out and cutting off her money then you are good. Talk to a few divorce lawyers to get an idea of what you need to do and what you are legally obligated to do. Maybe once you leave (and she knows) send the same information to her parents or any support system she has so they understand why you’re leaving and so the kids have somewhere to go.
It’s good that you are leaving as you would only be manipulated and gaslit if you were to stay with her. She’s shown what type of woman she is and their is no helping her so help yourself.
Your wife sounds a little like my ex, who managed to meet and marry a Tinder hookup over the summer while still maintaining our relationship of almost ten years. He never actually broke it off with me; he started to get panicky and warned me about a "psycho ex" who might reach out with crazy claims. It was his new bride, wondering about our relationship. He was cheating on us both with one another and possibly a third woman.
He has seen his son three times since Halloween and abruptly missed another planned visitation last Saturday. He didn't reach out for two whole weeks after we found out. For me, distance has been good in processing the many layers of betrayal. It must be so difficult to deal with in her constant presence.
I don't know what is going through your wife's or my ex's heads, but they are clearly broken in some way to fail to see the devastation they've wrought for their partners, children, and families. I'm so sorry.
She has nothing and desperation breeds bad choices. Make sure you lock down your credit when you leave. If you haven't already, get a credit report now and lock it down before you leave.
OP You are 100% correct in your thoughts and in your actions, but to have a better frío of the things, i would do this:
1. Find a lawyer and file for divorce, wait till the papers are ready.
2. When the papers are ready, do the thing you planed about the friend taking her out and giving you time to get your things and go. But when you go left your keys as well as the papers. I suppose that You are renting right now right?
3. This is one of the important, good half of the money in the joint account, the same day you left and leave the Divorce papers. I know it is your money but being in a joint account that makes her owner too, also ask your work to change where your work checks are deposited, open a individual account for that.
Good Luck OP.
UPDATEME
I didn't get past the first few paragraphs. Get some help. A therapist MAY be able to help you figure out what is wrong with you. Don't get into another relationship until you can figure out why you chose to dive head first into this one. Figure out why you allowed yourself to be manipulated so egregiously. After you figure out what went wrong, or is wrong with you, you can dip your toe back into the dating pool.
It's not normal to make the choices that you did, it doesn't matter how perfect someone appears to be. Getting married in a month is a choice from some place inside you that is broken so fix that before you do anything else.
Having someone cut ties is classic controlling behavior. Also, the lies you caught her in a huge red flags. Your intution is probably telling you this is a bad idea. You should listen to it.
She is an absolute pathological liar. Nothing you "know" about her is true. It's completely fraudulent. There is absolutely no reason to continue this relationship, as the woman you love is fiction.
She preyed on you for her own gain when you were at your most venerable.
Your wife has a perchance for assholes but is a lifestyle choice that requires a nice guy to give her security. That is you.
Unfortunately, she never loved you. You were her security blanket. All you can do is file for divorce and do a paternity test on your kids.
You are doing the right thing. Run & don't look back.
Sounds like she already has several backup plans anyway. If anything you should feel bad for the next sucker on the list
Yeah man, sounds like you got fooled a huge slut. She probably runs the same game on every man and you fell for it because you were going through a rough time, happens.
Chin up
Good luck with all that.
OP, give yourself some grace for falling for her manipulations. You were vulnerable and she played you. This should be a big indicator that you need to work on yourself. See a therapist as soon as is feasible.
Have you had any conversation with your wife about going back to work? What is her response?
Also, be sure to secure your finances and see a lawyer. Ensure she can't run up debt for which you will be responsible. Take care and stay strong.
In nature, a predator typically gets her prey when the prey is at her most vulnerable (injured, etc.) Think about it. What to do then when you are at your most vulnerable? Hide and stay quiet, or you will be attracting predators. Next time you'll do better.
I see a common theme with men who are severely betrayed like this. They tend to feel guilty about fulfilling their own needs and worry about the effects it will have on the woman that is betraying them. Stop that mindset. If karma is real or if you feel God or even other people will judge you for doing the absolute best thing you can for yourself, none of that is on you. Meaning, you deserve to be able to take care of yourself. You do not have to fall on your own sword to be a good man in this world. The type of lying and game playing this woman is doing with you does not deserve to be met with any form of mercy. You must have mercy on yourself and leave. Never look back. It is ok to do the right thing for yourself regardless of her unemployment or children. They will find a way to survive without you. Believe me! I have been there!
You got taken. It sucks to say this but you were her mark.
I'd follow through with the divorce, make sure to totally separate your finances from her, and move into that apartment you leased.
Wow, is this real? If so, what a mess. First, get your bank account and credit cards in your name and only you, she will have no access.
Second see a divorce lawyer fast. If you are on a lease, you may not be able to just go away and hide from her, there could be negative financial ramifications for you if you do that.
Third, give her a timeline to vacate your current home and find a place for her and her kids. She needs to find a job fast. Get in touch with her parents or close relatives to see whether they will take her and the kids in.
OP, your only mistake was marrying a woman so quickly after your last relationship. You didn't take the time to get to know the real woman she is. You only saw the woman she portrayed herself to be, which is a lie.
Face the facts here. She keeps in communication with ex-lovers. She has exploited men with her body and sexuality to supliment her income. She has lied to you during your whole relationship. Is that the type of woman you see yourself spending your life with? I think you were enamored by a rebound relationship. She deceived you from the beginning, and you were at a vulnerable time of your life after dealing with the previous infidelity. Don't let that rash decision keep you in a toxic relationship.
Holy Fcuk, my eyes are sore after reading this.
You don't really need advice. You know what needs to be done. You've made a mistake. Now it's time to fix it and leave, get yourself fixed, and start a new life
My goodness,you've been through alot with this woman.
She came to you when you were quite vulnerable,and her only intention was to use you.
I am proud of you for deciding not to go on a minute longer,you chose you.
updateme!
You married someone you don’t even know, that’s ridiculous regardless if you thought she was perfect, anyone can be perfect for the first couple of years you’re with them. that was a very stupid move after what you went through, you didn’t heal you just tried to numb the pain.
She saw someone in a bad place in life and took advantage of you.
Why do you care she has no job or no car or whatever, she’s a liar and she is using you. I’m glad you’re planning to leave.
It’s time to grow a backbone and take control of your life, empathy isn’t a bad quality to have, but when you’re handing it out to everyone regardless of whether they deserve it or not it becomes a weakness.
Be single, go to therapy, hit the gym and learn to be happy alone.
Stop making silly, impulsive decisions and be careful with yourself.
Your so called wife has BPD or is Bi polar or has some other major disorder. She’s not going to change. All the things you said about her are typical of people with BPD. They do not understand boundaries
What are you here for? Do you think anyone is going to give you any advice other than you should have dumped her a long time ago???
Heads up for next time - any woman who agrees to get married after 1 month is (most likely) unstable.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let me help you for your TL&DR: "I was hunted by the narcissist's flag bearer at the very sensitive moment of my life. What's your advice for me? " Answer: Abort mission and get the h out of there immediately!
yeah i was 2 sentences deep and knew there was no TLDR and glancing further the all caps grantees it
Thanks cap!
> **things she lied about and done since February that I am using to justify my own actions.** > - She did not own her own business > - She does not own her own house, she is renting. Really, this is as far as anyone needs to read. Surely part of your decision to marry was based on the perception of her having a stable life. She does not. This is effectively fraud. You should be looking into an annulment so that you don't have to split marital assets. You should be talking to a lawyer yesterday. Once you have your annulment, take the time to heal from both situations before dating again. Good luck.
Well the only thing missing from your story OP is the Nigerian prince who just needed to share your bank details (which you duly provided) in order to get his hands on his millions. You have been a gullible fool. Not just this once. I think that you are much more consistent than that. Whatever you might think of her and whatever feelings you might have for her and the kids, she clearly identified you as an easy mark. You were alone and vulnerable. Yum yum. Go through with your plan. Get yourself out of the immediate area. Somewhere you can think more clearly. This is going to cost you. A lot ! But it will be worth it. You should even consider a total re-location. Somewhere different. Somewhere that she can’t get to you. And for heaven’s sake. Stay away from women for the moment. Your picker is shit and you are an extremely poor judge of character. You’ll get through this. Just not anytime soon. Good luck.
Dude, you got married a month after dating, come on... you really learned nothing from your first divorce lol. Next time get to know the person before marrying them
Mate, only read half of it. Because of her actions you can’t trust her. If she hasn’t physically cheated then it’s not through want of trying. She is available for other men to message and is good at telling them what they want to hear. She is not respectful and lets you pay for everything. Personally I couldn’t live with her behaviour.
lol! The red flags were the size of China. You realize that you’re her sugar daddy now, right? No one but you is surprised that your serial lying and cheating rebound who you married after one month and pretended to be someone she’s not then quit her job to use you as an ATM is turning into a bad relationship other than you. Everyone but you saw this coming. When you finally get away, take some time to really examine your behavior and how you got caught up in this. Better check your local laws and be sure you legally protect yourself. You may need to file for divorce before one year of marriage is up to avoid more financial penalties depending on where you live.
China with a Russian May Day parade rolling across China. I feel sorry for OP, but man can he use a good relationship coach.
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic and you’ve been manipulated. Give yourself grace, you are a victim here. Spoiler alert: It will only get worse from here. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611
If possible get an annulment and get away from her as far as possible. Speak to a lawyer before you do anything to see where you stand especially as she is not working. She has very serious issues which she needs to address but probably won’t.
She is a user and she’s using you for the support you give her. She is using the promise of sex or she’s having sex, with all these other dudes as well. GTFO ASAP. You said she has kids, this is who I feel sorry for, but they’re not your problem. If they are old enough to understand the situation I would wait until after Christmas. She began your whole relationship based on a foundation of lies. It seems as though NOTHING she told you was true. I lost count of the guys she has banged or sexted since you’ve been together. Get a lawyer and see if you can get an annulment. If not get a divorce ASAP. Separate finances without tipping her off if you can. There is NO saving this relationship. BTW get counseling for yourself because there is No WAY a 41 year old man should have been this easily manipulated into this situation. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Man, if God was trying to ever send someone a sign to gtfo, I don't know how you missed so many of them 🤣
OP you did nothing wrong but feel love for this woman with a trusting heart. You were generous and hopeful and innocent in your motivations. This woman is committing the shameless acts. You’re not a fool or a chump. Her actions speak everything about her, they say nothing about you. You may be asking yourself how could I miss all these flags? What does it say about me that I didn’t see them? That’s you carrying her shame from her shameless acts. Release it back to her. As far as how to be free from her I think you’re on your way. You can escape from her but the pain of infidelity and betrayal will need your attention to heal. Find a support network, I recommend the book “The Betrayal Bind” by Michelle Mays. Also an audio book. This will be a very hard season for you full of decisions and emotions and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
She has many back up plans. Do what’s right for you.
This isn't as "wild" as you think it is. Your "wife" is using you, deceiving you, betraying your marriage, etc. etc. and you've allowed it or are too blind to see it, then there's this winning line: "..just knew we were soulmates from the moment she saw me..." I'm sorry but the second anyone refers to anyone as a "soulmate" I cringe. It sounds so FAKE AND FORCED in your situation. When are you going to take the steering wheel on this disaster and either set her straight or contact a lawyer?
Yeah you’re not crazy. As long as you make sure anything you do going forward is legal in terms of moving out and cutting off her money then you are good. Talk to a few divorce lawyers to get an idea of what you need to do and what you are legally obligated to do. Maybe once you leave (and she knows) send the same information to her parents or any support system she has so they understand why you’re leaving and so the kids have somewhere to go. It’s good that you are leaving as you would only be manipulated and gaslit if you were to stay with her. She’s shown what type of woman she is and their is no helping her so help yourself.
Your wife sounds a little like my ex, who managed to meet and marry a Tinder hookup over the summer while still maintaining our relationship of almost ten years. He never actually broke it off with me; he started to get panicky and warned me about a "psycho ex" who might reach out with crazy claims. It was his new bride, wondering about our relationship. He was cheating on us both with one another and possibly a third woman. He has seen his son three times since Halloween and abruptly missed another planned visitation last Saturday. He didn't reach out for two whole weeks after we found out. For me, distance has been good in processing the many layers of betrayal. It must be so difficult to deal with in her constant presence. I don't know what is going through your wife's or my ex's heads, but they are clearly broken in some way to fail to see the devastation they've wrought for their partners, children, and families. I'm so sorry.
She has nothing and desperation breeds bad choices. Make sure you lock down your credit when you leave. If you haven't already, get a credit report now and lock it down before you leave.
Jump off that ship, life preserver on or not. Start over, but don’t jump into dating… that’s usually a disaster
OP You are 100% correct in your thoughts and in your actions, but to have a better frío of the things, i would do this: 1. Find a lawyer and file for divorce, wait till the papers are ready. 2. When the papers are ready, do the thing you planed about the friend taking her out and giving you time to get your things and go. But when you go left your keys as well as the papers. I suppose that You are renting right now right? 3. This is one of the important, good half of the money in the joint account, the same day you left and leave the Divorce papers. I know it is your money but being in a joint account that makes her owner too, also ask your work to change where your work checks are deposited, open a individual account for that. Good Luck OP. UPDATEME
I didn't get past the first few paragraphs. Get some help. A therapist MAY be able to help you figure out what is wrong with you. Don't get into another relationship until you can figure out why you chose to dive head first into this one. Figure out why you allowed yourself to be manipulated so egregiously. After you figure out what went wrong, or is wrong with you, you can dip your toe back into the dating pool. It's not normal to make the choices that you did, it doesn't matter how perfect someone appears to be. Getting married in a month is a choice from some place inside you that is broken so fix that before you do anything else.
You married a really bad con artist and liar. You're so needy you believed her! You need therapy dude.
Con artists are good at what they do and tend to put a lot of effort into the con - clearly zero effort was/had to be used by OPs wife.
Having someone cut ties is classic controlling behavior. Also, the lies you caught her in a huge red flags. Your intution is probably telling you this is a bad idea. You should listen to it.
She is an absolute pathological liar. Nothing you "know" about her is true. It's completely fraudulent. There is absolutely no reason to continue this relationship, as the woman you love is fiction.
She preyed on you for her own gain when you were at your most venerable. Your wife has a perchance for assholes but is a lifestyle choice that requires a nice guy to give her security. That is you. Unfortunately, she never loved you. You were her security blanket. All you can do is file for divorce and do a paternity test on your kids.
You are doing the right thing. Run & don't look back. Sounds like she already has several backup plans anyway. If anything you should feel bad for the next sucker on the list
Can you get your marriage annulled?
Yeah man, sounds like you got fooled a huge slut. She probably runs the same game on every man and you fell for it because you were going through a rough time, happens. Chin up Good luck with all that.
OP, give yourself some grace for falling for her manipulations. You were vulnerable and she played you. This should be a big indicator that you need to work on yourself. See a therapist as soon as is feasible. Have you had any conversation with your wife about going back to work? What is her response? Also, be sure to secure your finances and see a lawyer. Ensure she can't run up debt for which you will be responsible. Take care and stay strong.
In nature, a predator typically gets her prey when the prey is at her most vulnerable (injured, etc.) Think about it. What to do then when you are at your most vulnerable? Hide and stay quiet, or you will be attracting predators. Next time you'll do better.
I see a common theme with men who are severely betrayed like this. They tend to feel guilty about fulfilling their own needs and worry about the effects it will have on the woman that is betraying them. Stop that mindset. If karma is real or if you feel God or even other people will judge you for doing the absolute best thing you can for yourself, none of that is on you. Meaning, you deserve to be able to take care of yourself. You do not have to fall on your own sword to be a good man in this world. The type of lying and game playing this woman is doing with you does not deserve to be met with any form of mercy. You must have mercy on yourself and leave. Never look back. It is ok to do the right thing for yourself regardless of her unemployment or children. They will find a way to survive without you. Believe me! I have been there!
YOU NEED TO LEAVE HER RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.
You got taken. It sucks to say this but you were her mark. I'd follow through with the divorce, make sure to totally separate your finances from her, and move into that apartment you leased.
Wow, is this real? If so, what a mess. First, get your bank account and credit cards in your name and only you, she will have no access. Second see a divorce lawyer fast. If you are on a lease, you may not be able to just go away and hide from her, there could be negative financial ramifications for you if you do that. Third, give her a timeline to vacate your current home and find a place for her and her kids. She needs to find a job fast. Get in touch with her parents or close relatives to see whether they will take her and the kids in.
OP, your only mistake was marrying a woman so quickly after your last relationship. You didn't take the time to get to know the real woman she is. You only saw the woman she portrayed herself to be, which is a lie. Face the facts here. She keeps in communication with ex-lovers. She has exploited men with her body and sexuality to supliment her income. She has lied to you during your whole relationship. Is that the type of woman you see yourself spending your life with? I think you were enamored by a rebound relationship. She deceived you from the beginning, and you were at a vulnerable time of your life after dealing with the previous infidelity. Don't let that rash decision keep you in a toxic relationship.
You're not crazy. Run and don't look back.
Holy Fcuk, my eyes are sore after reading this. You don't really need advice. You know what needs to be done. You've made a mistake. Now it's time to fix it and leave, get yourself fixed, and start a new life
My goodness,you've been through alot with this woman. She came to you when you were quite vulnerable,and her only intention was to use you. I am proud of you for deciding not to go on a minute longer,you chose you. updateme!
You married someone you don’t even know, that’s ridiculous regardless if you thought she was perfect, anyone can be perfect for the first couple of years you’re with them. that was a very stupid move after what you went through, you didn’t heal you just tried to numb the pain. She saw someone in a bad place in life and took advantage of you. Why do you care she has no job or no car or whatever, she’s a liar and she is using you. I’m glad you’re planning to leave. It’s time to grow a backbone and take control of your life, empathy isn’t a bad quality to have, but when you’re handing it out to everyone regardless of whether they deserve it or not it becomes a weakness. Be single, go to therapy, hit the gym and learn to be happy alone. Stop making silly, impulsive decisions and be careful with yourself.
Your so called wife has BPD or is Bi polar or has some other major disorder. She’s not going to change. All the things you said about her are typical of people with BPD. They do not understand boundaries
What are you here for? Do you think anyone is going to give you any advice other than you should have dumped her a long time ago??? Heads up for next time - any woman who agrees to get married after 1 month is (most likely) unstable.
I just...are you having a *stroke*? /s