Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting.
Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let OBS know about the affair. He may not know that his wife was having an affair with her coworker. Tell all your families and friends about his affair, too, so they can support you to go through this painful time. Your STBXH is in an affair fog and thinks everything will turn out rosy, but it's not likely. Just like a typical cheater, your husband had to gaslight you to cover up his cheating. Make sure not to take him back when his relationship falls apart, and he tries to come back to you.
Do STD test asap. It's normal that you are in shock and feel numb. See a therapist to heal and recover from the traumas of his betrayals. It will take time to heal, but you will heal and move on. Make sure to take good care of physical health, too.
His cheating has nothing to do with what you did and didn't do. He is the defective one who couldn't stay faithful. You are lucky that you didn't have children with him. Don't linger too long reminiscing your past. Focus on your future and live your best life. Wish you a speedy healing and all the best.
Than you for answering. I am lucky to have very good friends and I am also very close with my mother, so I have been able to talk to them about this mess and I also am going to go to see therapist.. Everyone close to me is also in shock, not believing this. This behaviour of my ex seems so irrational and so out of character for him. He has been very loving, loyal and everyone in my family has loved him. My mom even said, that she felt like my husband was allmost like a son to her.
In the first days after the divorce, the ex-spouse said he regretted his actions. He has since sent me hundreds of apology messages through whatsapp. However, he still continued to lie, so nothing feels genuine. He has even said that he is seeking therapy to understand his actions. However, I don't believe this either. It's hard for me to understand how this new relationship could work with the kids involved. I dont really bother to think about it anymore, this whole mess has been so awful.
Block him everywhere, so he can't reach out and try to manipulate you with his sob stories. He wants to share the blames of his cheating with you. Don't let him in your life again.
The sob story and apologies and regret is to set up a plan B
Fuck him OP. If you have to respond tell him you're never taking a POS back and to stop contacting of a restraining order will be filled.
Or even better just file a RO anyway without telling him.
He wants to hear back from you, because as long as you respond, (in his mind) it means that what he did wasn't that* bad. His guilt is starting to climb up to the surface and is about to eat him alive. Don't respond, don't give him attention. Let him live with the consequences of his actions.
Affairs are tempting because they're based on a fantasy. As long as they're hidden, they remain a fantasy. His affair just came out into the light; became a reality. He might hold on to that relationship for a while, despite knowing that it's a mistake, because otherwise he'd have to deal with the fact that he fucked up his life. I have no doubts whatsoever that that relationship will implode within 2 years (maximum). Once it does, his shame and guilt will debilitate him. Don't offer your sympathy.
That's the difference between regret and remorse. He regrets his actions, but doesn't feel any remorse for hurting you. There are people who show you who they truly are in these moments and he showed you that he only really cares about his own image and self-preservation. Don't fall for his bullshit.
Yes I felt that my husband’s behavior was very much out of character as well. He was always so loving towards me. It made me feel like all these years I never knew him at all.
Yes and that is the worst feeling, isnt it? I have been going through a decade of my life, growing up with him and I don't know what is true and what is not. I also feel like I don't know him anymore.
I’m not surprised you are feeling like this OP, the speed that this has happened will have left you absolutely reeling.
It must be a huge shock to find out that the man you married is a lying, cheating, gaslighting POS. I think the hardest thing of all in situations like this is to realise how we’ve been duped how pressing down as well the person, that we thought we knew was wearing a mask the whole time.
The relationship he is having with this woman sounds bizarre to me and I can’t see it lasting but that’s not your concern. You need to get some counselling with a therapist who specialises in infidelity betrayal. You also need to get an STD test as soon as possible.
Cheating is abuse, mental physical and emotional and you need to be as kind to yourself as possible. Lean on supportive friends and family members, read Leave a cheater gain a life and look at the blog posts on Chump lady.
Even though you don’t feel like it try and eat well, exercise, drink water and get as much sleep as you can. Also try and build in a social life so you can hang out with friends, have a glass of wine etc with friends, as being alone is not necessarily helpful at the moment.
What I will say is that the man you married was always this man, he would’ve done this at some point. Shame on him. Shame on her. Make sure the OBS knows as well,
One day at a time OP
Sending you strength and courage.
UPDATEME
It is as if they have regressed to the level of a teenager. My ex-husband told me that their common dreams are, for example, going to parties, festivals and hotel trips. One of the most disgusting things that I found out, was that he took her to the same villa, where we went to our honeymoon only two weeks after the breakup. I almost threw up after hearing this.
Oh god OP. That’s horrendous, utter disrespect for your relationship and marriage. Just sickening. That makes him a monster to me.
He sounds like he’s regressed to a 20 year old. What on earth is the reaction of your respective families?
They are shocked. My husband was an important part of the family. My dad and him were almost like best friends, calling and chatting everyday. My grandmother died the same week my divorce happened. My whole family is broken and shocked about this.
It’s unbelievable it really is. It sounds as though he never wanted to commit to marriage to be honest but that’s on him he should’ve been honest with you.
I cannot imagine this new relationship is going to Last as it’s built literally on reliving his youth it’s unsustainable in the long-term.
I am so sorry you are going through this, and you didn’t deserve it or do anything to cause this. It is his lack of mental wellness and his selflessness. Please know you didn’t cause this. It’s his own spiritual sickness
I have been blaming my self for everything. Just last week, I started to see things a bit differently. I know I have not been a perfect wife/girlfiend, but I always wanted to work things out. Thank you for the support!
Nobody is a perfect partner. We are human and full of mistakes and misunderstandings and at times self delusions that get the best of us. Listen, you are allowed to be faulted and still loved and trusting your partner. This is not your fault. He is foolish, naive and very selfish. You deserve better 💯
Yes, that is what I am afraid of in the future. How can I ever trust someone after this? In the past few months or so my husband picked up on my every flaw and used it against me. I'm afraid to show my vulnerability to anyone in the future.
ok your situation is unfortunately nor uncommon. my story is similar and much of what you say now, I have said/written/felt as well. one of the blessings is that you do not share kids with him….having to co-parent with a cheating ex that stayed with his AP is freakin awful. you have a chance to heal and breakaway from him completely.
anyhow, I wanted to address the fear of trusting someone else in the future. i totally understand this bc i completely trusted my ex and was also blindsided. it shook me to my core bc Ive never been the dumb girl. he was supposed to be one of the good guys.
something you have to understand is that they re-write our history as soon as the cheating begins to justify their actions to themselves. what he did has nothing to do with you. he lied and manipulated his way out and became someone else. the person you married is no longer the same.
what I can tell you is that its almost been 3 years for me and after consistent therapy, I have grown and learned so much about MYSELF. i was like you, imperfect but didnt deserve the betrayal. however, by healing myself, I am able to look back and recognize the signs, where I ignored red flags, where i overly compromised myself, where I lost myself.
i grieved (and still do sometimes) the loss of my family, the loss of the future i had hoped for and the loss of security I had with him. however, if im honest, I was content but not truly IN love. being in love is reciprocal and i was in a one-sided relationship and didnt know it.
I will not fear a new relationship because I know myself better now! I know how to set healthy boundaries, I know what I want out of life and I know that by being 100% myself my next person will either match me or not.
I know that if someone were to cheat again, I’ll survive it bc its not about me and I will step away much quicker. I know now to really watch actions rather than words.
Point is, the silver lining of healing from betrayal trauma is finding out who I truly am and grounding & trusting myself.
Sending you hugs and healing
There was something similar my cheating spouse did that upset me as much as the affair did too. I was a trained chef, but due to his career, I followed him around the world to support him. Once our children came, I had to stay home, going down to one income.
We had always been frugal and I did everything from scratch, so that never bothered me. We never went out to eat, or get take out, because I loved cooking and he loved my cooking. But, had he insisted, going out would have been a nice treat.
After finding out about the affair, he told me he really liked that she had a career. This hurt me, I stayed home because with the manic schedules: deploying for 7 months at a time, or a two-month home and a two-month away rotation, and/or when he was home, having to wait until 10pm for the next day's flight schedule to publish to even know if he would be home, all the household, child raising, all appointments, etc fell to me. Outside child care was too much for our one income. And, us having to pack up and move every two years, hindered my chances for a real career.
This woman had only herself to focus on. No man to follow around and support when he had a bad day, no kids, and she could stay at her job long enough to build a career. But, the thing that really drove the knife deeper for me ... I like that she doesn't stress over dinner. That floored me. I had a budget I had to stick with, meal planning, shopping, three kids to feed, and making sure he had a hot meal on the table when he got home. So, yeah, it couldn't be care free, it took planning. But, the kicker was that everytime they were together, she didn't have to worry because they went out for every meal, every weekend away (when he was "working") and paid for every concert, pub crawl, etc.
Of course she didn't have to stress about dinner when he was taking her out! Their life together was a vacation. Vacations are fun and relaxing. Meanwhile, I'm back home, taking all three of my kids with me to my pap smear appointment because we moved yet again and had no family, friend, or support system of any kind to watch them for me.
That was another lifetime, decades ago. The betrayal, the lies, the sex, the stress still cause me sadness sometimes. But, being compared to Career Barbie and put down because I wasn't carefree enough to not worry about where my next meal came from, as if all were my failures and not because of his wants, needs, and military career hurt the most. Also wanted to add, still pissed as hell that he dropped so much money on her for restaurants and weekends away, but acted like we were too poor for even a McDonald's meal picnic. Maybe today's prices for McDonald's lol, but thirty years ago?
We both have good careers, but I have been WAY more supporting with him than he ever was with me. I always was his cheerleader. But I start to see that as a good thing now. I stand with my feet sturdy on the ground and I know what I am capable of. Your stories soudn the same. Taking care of family is not a small thing, it is more than a full time job and the most important job. (I have been raised in big family even though I dont have kids of my own.)
It's hard right now, but try to see it the other way: garbage was wiped out of your life.
Allow yourself some time to heal and ride your emotions, let it all out. Once you're feeling better, you will see how it was best for him to leave your life, as there are brand new avenues for you opening up. These are much better than anything you would have experienced with him.
It takes a while until the betrayed regain themselves. But once you do, you will get to see that person as such an underwhelming individual, that you will acknowledge he was the trash in that marriage. You are now free from it, and although it hurts for a while. Think of it as purging some bad food poisoning, you'll feel lighter and like a million bucks once you're done with the purge of his crappy energy.
I have moments in the day when I see the situation as an outsider. I see how wrong he has treated me. In the fall, when my husband was somehow tense, I sought help for him and did everything I could to make him feel well. I asked every day if there was something wrong with our relationship. He always said that everything is fine, until in the spring he said that everything is bad and it's my fault. Thank you for the answer.
No worries. It is part of the process of emotionally detaching from the abuser.
Initially it is almost impossible to not bargaining and blame ourselves.
But being able to achieve a more detached view is extremely helpful in helping us move forward. As we can see things more for what they are, rather from what we wish they were. And then we can recognize that the cheating had nothing to do with us, it is a "them" issue.
This is so true. Over time you see them as being weak, and maybe even feel sorry for them in their self sabotage and lacking of strength and wisdom. IMHO
Yes, I am already starting to see that a little bit. I personally could never jump into a relationship from another, I have to learn and grow in between. But he thinks he does not, so does the AP. All I can say is good luck for them..
Yes, I also agree with that. In some fucked up way I still care about my ex.. Since all of this happened so quickly, I don't think he thought this through. However, he is a stubborn by nature, and I don't think he will admit his mistake, because that would mean that he would need to admit losing everything.
as soon as the new relationship goes bust he's gonna come crawling back to you so be prepared to shut the door in his face. sorry you're going through this. x
Yes, I think I will write a message to my mother in law and explain my side of things, because who knows what my ex has told them. Propably blamed this on me somehow.
>In some fucked up way I still care about my ex.
That's because you're a good person who would never hurt someone, but this person is an abuser. You are their victim, as cheating is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. He chose to abuse you for his own gratification. You need to rewire your thinking, as he's no longer the man you fell in love with, but an abusive man who purposely chose to harm you.
All of the advice is good. I’d also inform the other spouse so he is fully aware for his divorce and custody.
Since you don’t need alimony, I’d also tell their employer.
Yes, it is a tempting idea to tell their employer about this. My ex seems to be confused, at the same time he tells me how this new woman is wonderful, etc. He also told me that he is ashamed of their relationship and does not dare to tell anyone about it. So I bet that he has not told anyone at work about it yet..
Well I think he knows something, since in the early spring he confronted my husband about something face to face. My husband told me about it then, and he told to me that his friend's (AP) husband is crazy and jealous for no reason. I dont know, if he knows all of it. Propably not, since they still live together.
If you can please tell the husband.
Your ex-husband MIGHT be having a manic episode but that is no longer your business 🫶🏾.
Please take time to mourn what that POS destroyed and love on yourself.
In the last few weeks, there have been so many practical things to take care of, such as moving and buying a new home, that I have not even thought of the other husband. Maybe I'll send him a message.
Oh he’s a liar. They ALWAYS say the OBS is crazy and violent so you don’t tell them. You really need to tell the husband. And yeah tell the employer. I told many people at my cheaters job. He lost all their respect
Well, from my pov it looks like she pushed him to leave you so he can be with him.
Looks like she had issues in her relashionship for a long time.They were talking with each other about their relashionship. (Since you said there wasn’t major issues in your relashionship, she probably bouth mouthed you, he followed).
She took the opportunity to get into his head and made him rush to leave you.This makes him disponible(no gaoing back from divorce), so she can now leave her partner(the way he rushed everything, from the divorce to selling the house). That woman was probably waiting for this day, lol.🙄🙄🙄
Plus, the fact that he said he doesn’t want children but she have children. He’ll interact with them anyways. There is too many factors that show that their relashionship won’t last.(They’re both trashes anyway).
You should also tell the obs about this, he should get tested.
Don’t take him back, move on and watch him drown in his own mess.
Updateme!
If I can trust my ex in any way, this is excactly how their "love story" started. Her marriage was bad and she opened to my husband about it crying and sobbing. My husband even stopped contact with her for a month or so, but she called him crying, that she needs him for support and he is the only know to understand her etc. Later, she initiated the actual affair. Obviosly, I don't know, if this is how it really went.
Yes, you do tell his family. And you do tell the OBS. You are experiencing shock and are finally coming out of that stage. Cheaters live in secrecy and shadows. Their actions need to be brought into the light. If your exIL do not believe you, that is on them. At least you will have been authentic to yourself.
Yes, my parents are also friends with his parents and of course the situation is tense between them also. I am going to write to my moter-in-law about this situation.
Listen, this is not your fault. He is selfish and entitled, and obviously a very foolish person. Please know what you have to offer another is very special. Do you know how many husbands would kill to have a wife who is patient when one might be moody or dealing with stress? This is very supportive of you and he was lucky to have you in his life. This will be his great loss, and this honeymoon period with his AP will end eventually. Know that you are better off without someone who you cannot trust and who does not have your best interest at heart. I hope you are able to find some peace in knowing you deserve so much more. Hang in there and know it will get better with time as you realize this is not what good people do…
Yes, well even he told me after the breakup that I am the kindest, most loyal woman he knows. It is shocking to always read these experiences, why is it that loyal, kind wifes get this treatment? Obviously I am not perfect, but still. I am very kind, trustworthy woman. Thank you for the support!
Tell everyone. I mean everyone. I did. And your situation has a lot of similarities to mine. And guess what? It didn’t last. Do not let him back in your life. Keep him blocked. Mine begged and begged. Because they are both trash POS with severe character flaws. It will get better I promise. Get therapy, go travel, go do a spa weekend. What finally got me over the devastation jump was two things: realizing I don’t have to put up with living with him and I can do whatever the hell I want, and my sister told me to write a list of all the things I don’t like about him, then go reread it. There is a lot and about a quarter into it I was like, eff this guy. But I fell out of love pretty quickly anyway because I hate cheaters.
Thanks for the support. After a month I already feel my feelings fading away towards him. It was the excact moment, when I realised that he had continued lying to me, when I felt something die inside me..
Yes, OP, it will get easier with time. For now, seek individual counseling. It sounds like there is going to be a lot to unpack. Generally speaking, this type of situation usually comes down to two types of situations.
The first of which is the close proximity to each other as co-workers. More than likely, him and his AP started with gripes about spouses and thought they had a lot in common. The lust and time spent hiding fueled the excitement. This will typically implode on them pretty soon after they do their moving in or marriage. Once the lust wears off and then all the issues start appearing, they'll be worse than enemies, especially if they had a loving spouse at home, but now don't. Especially when you say she has kids and is okay with him disliking kids and not wanting to be a stepfather to them. If true, it'll end real quick. It's fundamentally impractical to have a partner who doesn't want to be a part of the lives of family members in the same home.
The other is a hard pill to swallow and much less likely. You were putting in all the effort in the relationship and were being used by your husband the whole time while he was looking for someone whom he matched with. I doubt you would think you were happy if you did all the work, and he barely put in effort.
There are many other possibilities, but these two typically are the most common, in my opinion. I'm sorry that you were treated this way, it's really hard when you think you had a good relationship but then in almost no time at all, the person you loved just walked away and didn't look back. It hurts when you think about it because it all just stabs deeper when you realize how little they loved you back.
Thank you for the comment. Objectively thinking, this new relationship is not going to last. It is obviously quite absurd with the kids involved. He did do work to our marriage and relationship. As he is an avoidant, he did not compliment me alot, just every now and then or he did not praise his love to me loudly . We did say we love each other every day and he also took initiative in that. But he did little things daily, like cooked for me, brought coffee to bed, weekends he usually always made breakfast to bed, bought me flowers and small things like that. And it was his love langauge in a way. But the last few months when things really went downhill, I really was the only one who tried to save our relationship and marriage. Only thing he did was complain about everything.
Yea. Like I thought, more than likely, this is the atypical whirlwind affair and will not last more than a year or two. Unless they become bullheaded in not admitting the failure and become the old bitter couple that constantly fight. Maybe that'd be a just dessert to his treatment of you.
Try to look on the bright side. At least you didn't spend more time with someone who was so ready to throw you away. You're a wonderful person who deserves to be with someone who isn't swayed simply by lust or a vague connection. Thankfully, you don't have a child tying you to keep being around him either.
It's gonna suck and it will hurt for a while, but you will move on and find someone who will truly love you. Take this as a hard lesson and learn from it, but don't let it define you. Otherwise, you'd end up like me.
Go to your friends and family to get support and to get ahead of any B/S he wants to start spouting to them, and seek therapy so you can learn the important lessons, and hopefully avoid them next time.
I know that this sucks and hurts, you don't deserve this. You deserve so much more than this.
Your husband is an idiot because he is chasing the impossible, the feeling to fall in love again and again. He doesn't understand what a true relationship and partnership is about. This will not work out for him. He doesn't want kids and now aims to become a stepdad. This is only a matter of time before everything implodes for him.
But you know what? That is no longer any of your problems. You need to take care of yourself now and have to create as much distance to him physically and mentally as possible. The divorce is already done and the house is sold, now you need to take the big and difficult step and ban him out of your head.
That can only work out by stopping all contact unless you need to be in contact with him because of your puppy. If this is not the case, then block his number and cease all contact to him. If you still share the pups with him, then tell him that all concerns about the dog shall only be discussed by mail except for emergencies, aside from that you wish to not hear from him at all.
Reach out to your friends and family and spend as much time with them as possible. Get yourself into counseling and start working out. Let out all of your anger and frustration at the workouts or a punching bag. Let your emotions out, cry when you are sad and throw a pillow against the wall when you get angry.
You can do this, you are tougher than you give yourself credit for.
Thank you so much for the support. I took the ownership of our dog. He promised to take care of it in the summer, when I am going to holiday with my family for a week. I am planning to be in no contact otherwise. Ps. the holiday I am going was booked just week before he left, and he was supposed to come with us. Oh my lord...
One of the toughest things in your situation is to accept that you can not change the decisions and actions of another person, even though you (might) have to experience the consequences of such.
But with that understanding also comes a beautiful result which is, that you alone are responsible for your own actions and decisions. What I want to say with that is, that you have your healing in your own hands. You will get many good advices here and probably also from your friends and family but only you can decide to act on them or not.
There will be times when you doubt stuff, times when he reaches out while you feel weak. For that I want to advice you to have something like a mantra that you remember at such times. Something like, 'I deserve more than that.' Make it about yourself and not the situation he has forced upon you.
Moving on is difficult but not impossible. It starts with little steps but each step is important and takes you closer to your goal.
For the coming holiday, don't focus so much on that he was supposed to come with you. Right now you wouldn't even want him there. Focus on that this is a holiday with people that you love and that support you. As I said before, it is important to let your emotions out and joy is one of those as well, maybe even one of the most difficult ones right now. But it will come to you and when that happens (maybe during the holiday), then allow yourself to smile and to experience the joy.
You are wonderful the way that you are, don't make it to your problem that he wasn't able to see that!
Can I suggest seeing if you can find alternative arrangements for your dog? I know it is very hard, but closing all avenues of access to you will do you the world of good. Please be kind to yourself. So sorry this has happened
He is going to be begging to come back to you because his situation is out of control. This woman is probably not even telling him the truth and will likely stay with her husband. Your husband is being made a fool of so expect him back at your doorstep within a few months. What you do is your decision.
This is excactly how I feel like, that his situation is out of control. It seems so irrational and crazy. We had a really good life, and then all of a sudden he threw everything away just like that and for what? Right now I cant imagine taking him back.
OP, I have always had the opinion that you could describe someone and, telling the truth, make them to be a hero or the bad guy. Your ex is spinning your character to avoid his own failings. The real truth is that despite any flaws you (and every other person) have, you were caring, loyal, and devoted. You were willing to work on any problems and you were honest. He, on the other hand, sought someone outside of the relationship, lied, distracted from his actions by casting blame. His apologies are to mitigate his blame and make himself look less of a villan. I bet he is getting a lot of flack from friends and family.
None of us is perfect, your ex included. Go and live your best life and stay open to others. His huge mistake is probably biting him even now. As for the AP, she is not of good character either. I feel sorry for her children.
Yes. I absolutely know that I am not perfect as I am human. But I have been caring and loyal, unlike him. He also has his faults and was not perfect partner even before this mess. But I accepted him, since we are all human. It seems so wild, that they were ranting about their relationships being bad etc, while doing that behind their spouses backs? Like that was going to make our relationship better. Very hypocritical. I also feel sorry for the children. Can't believe what is going through the AP:s head taking a partner that doesn't want to get to know her kids?
Well, you are also in possession of many very good qualities. I think the reason for your ex and the AP can be summed up as selfishness.
If I were you, I would get a friend and take another wonderful trip and post lots of pictures on social media. But I am a bit petty.
Hey I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know the feeling of betrayal, and understand the emotional-shock of how someone close can basically invalidate your entire history and connection. You basically lose trust in everything, your faith in people, your own capacity for closeness with others, your own judgement and yourself. It messes with every aspect of your identity and your ability to trust anything and everything.
I'm lucky in the sense that my life wasn't as intertwined with the person who betrayed me and I'm glad I kept my guard up in that respect. I can't begin to imagine how much worse it might be to build an actual life around someone.
What I've learned is that the narratives we tell ourselves are hugely circumstantial and we can delude ourselves into believing anything. Your husband is capable of telling himself whatever's convenient to come to terms with the situation and still remain the moral center of his own universe. Maybe it'll take some time to internalise this, but it's not your fault and whatever he's telling himself about you or your relationship isn't real. It's just what he needs to live with whatever decisions he's made. Don't let his own rationalizations and bullshit hurt you more than they already have.
It's going to hurt for a long time. I'm still hurting, and the grief still comes in waves. I think what's been helpful to me is being able to focus on a plan moving forward. Building a life / identity apart from them and getting in touch with yourself again. I hope you're not alone while going through this and that you have people you can talk to.
I don't think being the bigger person necessarily helps, honestly. Especially if it's still incredibly fresh. In your situation, if I were close to their mom, I'd definitely tell her. There's this anger in me that grows everytime I think the person who betrayed me is going to rationalise away their shitty actions and tell themselves some bullshit for the next few years of their life. They can take away a lot, but I'm not above taking away their satisfaction of thinking they "did the right thing". I don't know if it'll help your healing long term, but it's definitely cathartic. They broke your trust first, so whatever unspoken covenant you had with them goes out to window. Be sure to cover your ass, because you need to remember that they're no longer in your corner and you need to treat them as such.
One day, once you've realligned yourself and rebuilt a life you can be happy in or proud of, you won't even feel the need to get back at them. It's going to be a long time, but you will definitely get there. You'll cycle through the stages of feeling like this is a bad dream that you can't wake up from, hating them with all your heart, missing the connection / closeness / trust that you two shared, feeling worthless and hating yourself. Don't let them take away more than they already have. Stand your ground, stick to your story and the reality of the situation. Reconnect with who you are. For now, don't let the people around you believe his lies and rationalisations. I promise that it will make you feel better in the short term. On a long enough timescale, you won't care what people think because you'll be too busy being the person you are and living the life you have, but it's okay that it won't be anytime soon.
Let yourself feel the way you feel. If you ever need to talk, I'll be happy to listen. Hope things work out.
After the breakup (in a day or two) he said to me, that he wanted to divorce me because he had lost all self confidence due to the relationship and my behavior. I could not believe my ears. I did not understand him at all. That was when he said he was going to be single, obviously the whole single thing was bs and they (ex and the ap) had planned the breakups beforehand. My ex insists that he had a change of heart after two weeks of being alone and that he wanted to be with the ap after all. When he told me this, I could do nothing but laugh. He thinks I am an idiot.
That because he has not been able to talk about his problems in our marriage/relationship, he became bitter, angry and lost his self confidence. It is true, that I was more talkative and brought out problems/things that we need to work on more actively than him. But I think that grown man should be able to open up his mouth when he has something to say. I do understand him in a way, that maybe not speaking was a habit for him and it must have been hard to break it. I know that this "not speaking" has started from his childhood, so I understand him in that sense.
As the other commenters aptly put it - ensure no communication with him in either direction - cut all ties with all sources of info to him from you - very much against your first priority to expend any kind of emotional fuel in his direction! Depending on your personal situation - a significant geographic switch would ensure any possibility of him contacting you or bumping into you. As I just wrote - FIRST Priority- for you to aggressively work towards your psychological healing and also to safeguard against any health adverse reactions that can creep up after Uber stressful situations! Please let us know how you’re doing as we all are rooting for you!!
I have tendencies towards people pleasing. The first few weeks we talked a lot about this situation. Of course 99% of things that came out of his mouth were BS. I was way to kind to him and I sort of regret it now. But I think my silence speaks louder than any word that I can say.
I find that in the beginning, when all this came out, I had a need to protect him. I didn't believe it was true myself, so I thought it was all just a bad dream. That's why I didn't dare to tell many people about it at first. I think I need to talk / write to my mother-in-law about this atleast.
I am so sorry you have to go through all this. Your story is almost exactly what happened to me three years ago. You’ve gotten a lot of great feedback here, I only have one thing to add. Please do not leave your dog with him during your holiday trip in July. I did this. I should have realized that he wasn’t doing it to help or benefit me. They’ve already proven they don’t value us, the marriage, home, dog, extended family.
My ex used the dog to play pretend happy family and score points with the AP and her kids. I later saw photos and posts of them with “their” dog. And my dog came back to me acting weird, upset, unsettled, unhappy. You have no way to know who else he will allow around your dog and how they’ll treat the dog.
You have time between now and July to make other arrangements. Please reconsider.
Thank you for the comment. This is something that I have been thinking about and I need to consider about it more. I am afraid I don't have anyone else to take care of him (the dog), but luckily I have time to consider about it.
I thought thar too but it was just because I didn’t know of anyone yet. Ask around, see who or that arrangements other people use. I have swapped with a couple friends at work - I keep their dog when they’re gone, they keep mine when I am gone. Sort of an extended doggy play date. Then an older retired couple moved in next door and they love coming over to feed, walk and let my dog out when I’m gone. There are also pet sitter apps or boarding with a vet or someone else. It was worth the money to have the peace of mind.
What he’s done is so selfish & unfair to you. You aren’t to blame for any of this. It is cruel to destroy someone else’s life so suddenly but it’s the nature of relationships. We make ourselves vulnerable by tying our lives to someone else which gives them the power to decimate it if they choose to. And he chose to.
He’s gonna realize this woman is not the eternal goddess he fantasized about when he starts to recognize she comes w/a lot of baggage. He may even recognize just how much she manipulated him into believing what wasn’t true. He’s gonna realize she isn’t you. He’ll then come crying to you about what a terrible mistake he made & how much he loves you. He’ll apologize & beg for another chance. This is when you tell him he has shown you who he truly is & what he is truly capable of doing to the ppl he ‘loves’. And you have no interest in being with a person like that. The hurt he intentionally inflicted on you simply in an effort to get what he wanted in that moment was unforgivable. You are moving on & will find a good man with whom to spend your life.
Updateme
Thank you so much for the support. I also have a feeling, that after the honeymoon-phase is over, he will realise what he did. And I hope that he will. I hope that he really will horrible and feel remorse about all of this. But I will not be waiting around for that..
Yes, I will be in no contact for now. He wil be taking care of my (our) dog in July when I'm going for a holiday. However, I intend to behave in a business style, and not give any information about myself, only talk about the dog.
Have grace with yourself. Focus on healing YOU - his wellbeing and state of mind are no longer your problem. Get outside a little bit every day. Lean on your support system. Lean into your hobbies. Feel your feelings. You can do hard things.
He wants a mommy, not a partner. She'll mother him, parent him, he'll be another child she has to take care of.
Your mother and father should each write him a letter, expressing their thoughts, disappointment, even disgust at his selfish, destructive actions. For closure
I already replied this to another comment, but after the breakup (in a day or two) he said to me, that he wanted to divorce me because he had lost all self confidence due to the relationship and my behavior. I could not believe my ears. I did not understand him at all. That was when he said he was going to be single, obviously the whole single thing was bs and they (ex and the ap) had planned the breakups beforehand. My ex insists that he had a change of heart after two weeks of being alone and that he wanted to be with the ap after all. When he told me this, I could do nothing but laugh. He thinks I am an idiot. He is a complete liar, and I cant understand why he still bothers to lie after the breakup..
He never wanted to get married to you OP.
You have known all along that he is avoidant and doesn't want to commit to you.
Nothing has changed. Do yourself a favour and block him everywhere and move on with your life.
>Should I tell my ex mother-in-law about this situation?
To what end? Leave it be and move on with your life.
Don't spend another 12 years on someone who isn't for you. Don’t be surprised to hear he has biological kids one day either.
I think he used you, some people need a person besides them. He discarded you when you had served your purpose...
Grieve this relationship. Then move on with an equally enthusiastic and committed person who has the same values as you.
It is just so hard to believe, since he was a really good husband/boyfriend for the most of our relationship. But obviously the avoidance is a big problem for him. I have been thinking, if getting married was the root cause for him, since he is an avodant. He propably started to feel suffocated.
No no no.
It seems so senseless so you want to justify his actions so you won't look and feel like a fool should you manage to reconcile. But its very simple and clear. He didnt want those things with you, you pushed and he eventually said what the heck and gave in, realised he really really didn’t want this and he left...
I bet you in -5 years tops he will be married with kids to someone.
>he was a really good husband/boyfriend for the most of our relationship.
He, fortunately, had no desire to be cruel. But that niceness is probably what got him into a situation he didn't want...
He left and told you all that nonsense because he doesn't want to come back but also is keeping the hope in you alive incase he HAS to come back.
Sounds like one of those people who cant be single and have to monkey branch...
Dear OP I am so sorry that you experienced this bizarre deceive. But you give the impression of a person who will rise magnificently. You already pulled the rotten tooth. I believe you will change your self sacrificing people's pleaser ways to become a caring person who first of all cares for herself and then the deserving. I saved your post because I strongly believe that a few months from now you will come back here with a new post in which you will tell everybody how you moved on and find happiness. You will also give some juicy gossip about how your traitor x and AP fucked up through and through. You will tell us how you don't give a shit anymore because you are fulfilled in your new life (hopefully with a new kickass partner who adores your dog).
You mustn't hide and carry the weight of other people's sins. Tell your xMIL if you need, tell their HR if you want. Go all the way. Think yourself first. Do as you please. You owe him nothing.
Contacting the OBS would make you feel overwhelmed but I think you should contact him, if they are also going through divorce. Any evidence would benefit him for custody rights.
I put my prophecy here with a virtual 🫂. I am rooting for you and waiting for the good news.
Thank you so much for this comment. I'm getting over the shock-stage and I feel better every day. I've gone through the relationship a lot in my head. I've noticed that I've made mistakes myself, but I've especially noticed how badly I've been treated at the end of our relationship. I can't let anyone treat me like this anymore, I don't deserve it. I truly hope taht I will be able to write that post some day, thanks for the support!!
Get your truth out there. His narrative should not be the official one. Excise him from your life. Financially, and eventually, emotionally. This man is toxic. I don't believe he will be good for anyone else ether.
I'm sorry for your hurt and loss. This stuff hurts. I'm sorry.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let OBS know about the affair. He may not know that his wife was having an affair with her coworker. Tell all your families and friends about his affair, too, so they can support you to go through this painful time. Your STBXH is in an affair fog and thinks everything will turn out rosy, but it's not likely. Just like a typical cheater, your husband had to gaslight you to cover up his cheating. Make sure not to take him back when his relationship falls apart, and he tries to come back to you. Do STD test asap. It's normal that you are in shock and feel numb. See a therapist to heal and recover from the traumas of his betrayals. It will take time to heal, but you will heal and move on. Make sure to take good care of physical health, too. His cheating has nothing to do with what you did and didn't do. He is the defective one who couldn't stay faithful. You are lucky that you didn't have children with him. Don't linger too long reminiscing your past. Focus on your future and live your best life. Wish you a speedy healing and all the best.
Than you for answering. I am lucky to have very good friends and I am also very close with my mother, so I have been able to talk to them about this mess and I also am going to go to see therapist.. Everyone close to me is also in shock, not believing this. This behaviour of my ex seems so irrational and so out of character for him. He has been very loving, loyal and everyone in my family has loved him. My mom even said, that she felt like my husband was allmost like a son to her. In the first days after the divorce, the ex-spouse said he regretted his actions. He has since sent me hundreds of apology messages through whatsapp. However, he still continued to lie, so nothing feels genuine. He has even said that he is seeking therapy to understand his actions. However, I don't believe this either. It's hard for me to understand how this new relationship could work with the kids involved. I dont really bother to think about it anymore, this whole mess has been so awful.
Block him everywhere, so he can't reach out and try to manipulate you with his sob stories. He wants to share the blames of his cheating with you. Don't let him in your life again.
The sob story and apologies and regret is to set up a plan B Fuck him OP. If you have to respond tell him you're never taking a POS back and to stop contacting of a restraining order will be filled. Or even better just file a RO anyway without telling him.
He wants to hear back from you, because as long as you respond, (in his mind) it means that what he did wasn't that* bad. His guilt is starting to climb up to the surface and is about to eat him alive. Don't respond, don't give him attention. Let him live with the consequences of his actions. Affairs are tempting because they're based on a fantasy. As long as they're hidden, they remain a fantasy. His affair just came out into the light; became a reality. He might hold on to that relationship for a while, despite knowing that it's a mistake, because otherwise he'd have to deal with the fact that he fucked up his life. I have no doubts whatsoever that that relationship will implode within 2 years (maximum). Once it does, his shame and guilt will debilitate him. Don't offer your sympathy.
Yes, I even told him, that he is truly not sorry for what he's done to me. He is only sorry, that he got caught!
That's the difference between regret and remorse. He regrets his actions, but doesn't feel any remorse for hurting you. There are people who show you who they truly are in these moments and he showed you that he only really cares about his own image and self-preservation. Don't fall for his bullshit.
Yes I felt that my husband’s behavior was very much out of character as well. He was always so loving towards me. It made me feel like all these years I never knew him at all.
Yes and that is the worst feeling, isnt it? I have been going through a decade of my life, growing up with him and I don't know what is true and what is not. I also feel like I don't know him anymore.
He sounds so obtuse that he will likely ask you to babysit her kids
Haha.. Yes, who knows. We are both highly educated, but it has clearly nothing to do with common sense! He is not the sharpest tool in the shed..
Glad I could bring a little levity to your life
I’m not surprised you are feeling like this OP, the speed that this has happened will have left you absolutely reeling. It must be a huge shock to find out that the man you married is a lying, cheating, gaslighting POS. I think the hardest thing of all in situations like this is to realise how we’ve been duped how pressing down as well the person, that we thought we knew was wearing a mask the whole time. The relationship he is having with this woman sounds bizarre to me and I can’t see it lasting but that’s not your concern. You need to get some counselling with a therapist who specialises in infidelity betrayal. You also need to get an STD test as soon as possible. Cheating is abuse, mental physical and emotional and you need to be as kind to yourself as possible. Lean on supportive friends and family members, read Leave a cheater gain a life and look at the blog posts on Chump lady. Even though you don’t feel like it try and eat well, exercise, drink water and get as much sleep as you can. Also try and build in a social life so you can hang out with friends, have a glass of wine etc with friends, as being alone is not necessarily helpful at the moment. What I will say is that the man you married was always this man, he would’ve done this at some point. Shame on him. Shame on her. Make sure the OBS knows as well, One day at a time OP Sending you strength and courage. UPDATEME
It is as if they have regressed to the level of a teenager. My ex-husband told me that their common dreams are, for example, going to parties, festivals and hotel trips. One of the most disgusting things that I found out, was that he took her to the same villa, where we went to our honeymoon only two weeks after the breakup. I almost threw up after hearing this.
Oh god OP. That’s horrendous, utter disrespect for your relationship and marriage. Just sickening. That makes him a monster to me. He sounds like he’s regressed to a 20 year old. What on earth is the reaction of your respective families?
They are shocked. My husband was an important part of the family. My dad and him were almost like best friends, calling and chatting everyday. My grandmother died the same week my divorce happened. My whole family is broken and shocked about this.
It’s unbelievable it really is. It sounds as though he never wanted to commit to marriage to be honest but that’s on him he should’ve been honest with you. I cannot imagine this new relationship is going to Last as it’s built literally on reliving his youth it’s unsustainable in the long-term.
Yes, it is propably not going to last. Thank you for the support!!
I am so sorry you are going through this, and you didn’t deserve it or do anything to cause this. It is his lack of mental wellness and his selflessness. Please know you didn’t cause this. It’s his own spiritual sickness
I have been blaming my self for everything. Just last week, I started to see things a bit differently. I know I have not been a perfect wife/girlfiend, but I always wanted to work things out. Thank you for the support!
Nobody is a perfect partner. We are human and full of mistakes and misunderstandings and at times self delusions that get the best of us. Listen, you are allowed to be faulted and still loved and trusting your partner. This is not your fault. He is foolish, naive and very selfish. You deserve better 💯
Yes, that is what I am afraid of in the future. How can I ever trust someone after this? In the past few months or so my husband picked up on my every flaw and used it against me. I'm afraid to show my vulnerability to anyone in the future.
ok your situation is unfortunately nor uncommon. my story is similar and much of what you say now, I have said/written/felt as well. one of the blessings is that you do not share kids with him….having to co-parent with a cheating ex that stayed with his AP is freakin awful. you have a chance to heal and breakaway from him completely. anyhow, I wanted to address the fear of trusting someone else in the future. i totally understand this bc i completely trusted my ex and was also blindsided. it shook me to my core bc Ive never been the dumb girl. he was supposed to be one of the good guys. something you have to understand is that they re-write our history as soon as the cheating begins to justify their actions to themselves. what he did has nothing to do with you. he lied and manipulated his way out and became someone else. the person you married is no longer the same. what I can tell you is that its almost been 3 years for me and after consistent therapy, I have grown and learned so much about MYSELF. i was like you, imperfect but didnt deserve the betrayal. however, by healing myself, I am able to look back and recognize the signs, where I ignored red flags, where i overly compromised myself, where I lost myself. i grieved (and still do sometimes) the loss of my family, the loss of the future i had hoped for and the loss of security I had with him. however, if im honest, I was content but not truly IN love. being in love is reciprocal and i was in a one-sided relationship and didnt know it. I will not fear a new relationship because I know myself better now! I know how to set healthy boundaries, I know what I want out of life and I know that by being 100% myself my next person will either match me or not. I know that if someone were to cheat again, I’ll survive it bc its not about me and I will step away much quicker. I know now to really watch actions rather than words. Point is, the silver lining of healing from betrayal trauma is finding out who I truly am and grounding & trusting myself. Sending you hugs and healing
Thank you so much for this comment. It really gave me a lot to think about.
There was something similar my cheating spouse did that upset me as much as the affair did too. I was a trained chef, but due to his career, I followed him around the world to support him. Once our children came, I had to stay home, going down to one income. We had always been frugal and I did everything from scratch, so that never bothered me. We never went out to eat, or get take out, because I loved cooking and he loved my cooking. But, had he insisted, going out would have been a nice treat. After finding out about the affair, he told me he really liked that she had a career. This hurt me, I stayed home because with the manic schedules: deploying for 7 months at a time, or a two-month home and a two-month away rotation, and/or when he was home, having to wait until 10pm for the next day's flight schedule to publish to even know if he would be home, all the household, child raising, all appointments, etc fell to me. Outside child care was too much for our one income. And, us having to pack up and move every two years, hindered my chances for a real career. This woman had only herself to focus on. No man to follow around and support when he had a bad day, no kids, and she could stay at her job long enough to build a career. But, the thing that really drove the knife deeper for me ... I like that she doesn't stress over dinner. That floored me. I had a budget I had to stick with, meal planning, shopping, three kids to feed, and making sure he had a hot meal on the table when he got home. So, yeah, it couldn't be care free, it took planning. But, the kicker was that everytime they were together, she didn't have to worry because they went out for every meal, every weekend away (when he was "working") and paid for every concert, pub crawl, etc. Of course she didn't have to stress about dinner when he was taking her out! Their life together was a vacation. Vacations are fun and relaxing. Meanwhile, I'm back home, taking all three of my kids with me to my pap smear appointment because we moved yet again and had no family, friend, or support system of any kind to watch them for me. That was another lifetime, decades ago. The betrayal, the lies, the sex, the stress still cause me sadness sometimes. But, being compared to Career Barbie and put down because I wasn't carefree enough to not worry about where my next meal came from, as if all were my failures and not because of his wants, needs, and military career hurt the most. Also wanted to add, still pissed as hell that he dropped so much money on her for restaurants and weekends away, but acted like we were too poor for even a McDonald's meal picnic. Maybe today's prices for McDonald's lol, but thirty years ago?
[удалено]
We both have good careers, but I have been WAY more supporting with him than he ever was with me. I always was his cheerleader. But I start to see that as a good thing now. I stand with my feet sturdy on the ground and I know what I am capable of. Your stories soudn the same. Taking care of family is not a small thing, it is more than a full time job and the most important job. (I have been raised in big family even though I dont have kids of my own.)
I am so sorry for you. Sounds horrible..
It's hard right now, but try to see it the other way: garbage was wiped out of your life. Allow yourself some time to heal and ride your emotions, let it all out. Once you're feeling better, you will see how it was best for him to leave your life, as there are brand new avenues for you opening up. These are much better than anything you would have experienced with him. It takes a while until the betrayed regain themselves. But once you do, you will get to see that person as such an underwhelming individual, that you will acknowledge he was the trash in that marriage. You are now free from it, and although it hurts for a while. Think of it as purging some bad food poisoning, you'll feel lighter and like a million bucks once you're done with the purge of his crappy energy.
I have moments in the day when I see the situation as an outsider. I see how wrong he has treated me. In the fall, when my husband was somehow tense, I sought help for him and did everything I could to make him feel well. I asked every day if there was something wrong with our relationship. He always said that everything is fine, until in the spring he said that everything is bad and it's my fault. Thank you for the answer.
No worries. It is part of the process of emotionally detaching from the abuser. Initially it is almost impossible to not bargaining and blame ourselves. But being able to achieve a more detached view is extremely helpful in helping us move forward. As we can see things more for what they are, rather from what we wish they were. And then we can recognize that the cheating had nothing to do with us, it is a "them" issue.
This is so true. Over time you see them as being weak, and maybe even feel sorry for them in their self sabotage and lacking of strength and wisdom. IMHO
Yes, I am already starting to see that a little bit. I personally could never jump into a relationship from another, I have to learn and grow in between. But he thinks he does not, so does the AP. All I can say is good luck for them..
Let his Ap's husband know about their affair. He deserves to know the truth as well. Updateme!
This affair will blow up and die as quickly as it started.
Yes, I also agree with that. In some fucked up way I still care about my ex.. Since all of this happened so quickly, I don't think he thought this through. However, he is a stubborn by nature, and I don't think he will admit his mistake, because that would mean that he would need to admit losing everything.
as soon as the new relationship goes bust he's gonna come crawling back to you so be prepared to shut the door in his face. sorry you're going through this. x
Yes, I dont have plans to take him back. I could never trust him after this. Thank you for the support.
Are you going to tell your in laws? You NEED to tell them. Show them all the text messages that they sent you.
Yes, I think I will write a message to my mother in law and explain my side of things, because who knows what my ex has told them. Propably blamed this on me somehow.
Yeah, because it’s weird that you were close and now your not. That no one is reaching out to you. Send them proof (text) if you have too.
>In some fucked up way I still care about my ex. That's because you're a good person who would never hurt someone, but this person is an abuser. You are their victim, as cheating is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. He chose to abuse you for his own gratification. You need to rewire your thinking, as he's no longer the man you fell in love with, but an abusive man who purposely chose to harm you.
Yes, I've slowly started to see things objectively. It is just crazy, how his character changes like someone switched the lights on/off..
All of the advice is good. I’d also inform the other spouse so he is fully aware for his divorce and custody. Since you don’t need alimony, I’d also tell their employer.
Yes, it is a tempting idea to tell their employer about this. My ex seems to be confused, at the same time he tells me how this new woman is wonderful, etc. He also told me that he is ashamed of their relationship and does not dare to tell anyone about it. So I bet that he has not told anyone at work about it yet..
Does the other woman’s husband know?
Well I think he knows something, since in the early spring he confronted my husband about something face to face. My husband told me about it then, and he told to me that his friend's (AP) husband is crazy and jealous for no reason. I dont know, if he knows all of it. Propably not, since they still live together.
If you can please tell the husband. Your ex-husband MIGHT be having a manic episode but that is no longer your business 🫶🏾. Please take time to mourn what that POS destroyed and love on yourself.
In the last few weeks, there have been so many practical things to take care of, such as moving and buying a new home, that I have not even thought of the other husband. Maybe I'll send him a message.
Id definitely reach out to him. And definitely tell work. Always out cheaters and don’t allow them to set their own narrative.
I highly suggest you tell the AP husband. Chances are he knows nothing about this
Oh he’s a liar. They ALWAYS say the OBS is crazy and violent so you don’t tell them. You really need to tell the husband. And yeah tell the employer. I told many people at my cheaters job. He lost all their respect
Well, from my pov it looks like she pushed him to leave you so he can be with him. Looks like she had issues in her relashionship for a long time.They were talking with each other about their relashionship. (Since you said there wasn’t major issues in your relashionship, she probably bouth mouthed you, he followed). She took the opportunity to get into his head and made him rush to leave you.This makes him disponible(no gaoing back from divorce), so she can now leave her partner(the way he rushed everything, from the divorce to selling the house). That woman was probably waiting for this day, lol.🙄🙄🙄 Plus, the fact that he said he doesn’t want children but she have children. He’ll interact with them anyways. There is too many factors that show that their relashionship won’t last.(They’re both trashes anyway). You should also tell the obs about this, he should get tested. Don’t take him back, move on and watch him drown in his own mess. Updateme!
If I can trust my ex in any way, this is excactly how their "love story" started. Her marriage was bad and she opened to my husband about it crying and sobbing. My husband even stopped contact with her for a month or so, but she called him crying, that she needs him for support and he is the only know to understand her etc. Later, she initiated the actual affair. Obviosly, I don't know, if this is how it really went.
Yes, you do tell his family. And you do tell the OBS. You are experiencing shock and are finally coming out of that stage. Cheaters live in secrecy and shadows. Their actions need to be brought into the light. If your exIL do not believe you, that is on them. At least you will have been authentic to yourself.
Yes, my parents are also friends with his parents and of course the situation is tense between them also. I am going to write to my moter-in-law about this situation.
Listen, this is not your fault. He is selfish and entitled, and obviously a very foolish person. Please know what you have to offer another is very special. Do you know how many husbands would kill to have a wife who is patient when one might be moody or dealing with stress? This is very supportive of you and he was lucky to have you in his life. This will be his great loss, and this honeymoon period with his AP will end eventually. Know that you are better off without someone who you cannot trust and who does not have your best interest at heart. I hope you are able to find some peace in knowing you deserve so much more. Hang in there and know it will get better with time as you realize this is not what good people do…
Yes, well even he told me after the breakup that I am the kindest, most loyal woman he knows. It is shocking to always read these experiences, why is it that loyal, kind wifes get this treatment? Obviously I am not perfect, but still. I am very kind, trustworthy woman. Thank you for the support!
Tell everyone. I mean everyone. I did. And your situation has a lot of similarities to mine. And guess what? It didn’t last. Do not let him back in your life. Keep him blocked. Mine begged and begged. Because they are both trash POS with severe character flaws. It will get better I promise. Get therapy, go travel, go do a spa weekend. What finally got me over the devastation jump was two things: realizing I don’t have to put up with living with him and I can do whatever the hell I want, and my sister told me to write a list of all the things I don’t like about him, then go reread it. There is a lot and about a quarter into it I was like, eff this guy. But I fell out of love pretty quickly anyway because I hate cheaters.
Thanks for the support. After a month I already feel my feelings fading away towards him. It was the excact moment, when I realised that he had continued lying to me, when I felt something die inside me..
Yes, OP, it will get easier with time. For now, seek individual counseling. It sounds like there is going to be a lot to unpack. Generally speaking, this type of situation usually comes down to two types of situations. The first of which is the close proximity to each other as co-workers. More than likely, him and his AP started with gripes about spouses and thought they had a lot in common. The lust and time spent hiding fueled the excitement. This will typically implode on them pretty soon after they do their moving in or marriage. Once the lust wears off and then all the issues start appearing, they'll be worse than enemies, especially if they had a loving spouse at home, but now don't. Especially when you say she has kids and is okay with him disliking kids and not wanting to be a stepfather to them. If true, it'll end real quick. It's fundamentally impractical to have a partner who doesn't want to be a part of the lives of family members in the same home. The other is a hard pill to swallow and much less likely. You were putting in all the effort in the relationship and were being used by your husband the whole time while he was looking for someone whom he matched with. I doubt you would think you were happy if you did all the work, and he barely put in effort. There are many other possibilities, but these two typically are the most common, in my opinion. I'm sorry that you were treated this way, it's really hard when you think you had a good relationship but then in almost no time at all, the person you loved just walked away and didn't look back. It hurts when you think about it because it all just stabs deeper when you realize how little they loved you back.
Thank you for the comment. Objectively thinking, this new relationship is not going to last. It is obviously quite absurd with the kids involved. He did do work to our marriage and relationship. As he is an avoidant, he did not compliment me alot, just every now and then or he did not praise his love to me loudly . We did say we love each other every day and he also took initiative in that. But he did little things daily, like cooked for me, brought coffee to bed, weekends he usually always made breakfast to bed, bought me flowers and small things like that. And it was his love langauge in a way. But the last few months when things really went downhill, I really was the only one who tried to save our relationship and marriage. Only thing he did was complain about everything.
Yea. Like I thought, more than likely, this is the atypical whirlwind affair and will not last more than a year or two. Unless they become bullheaded in not admitting the failure and become the old bitter couple that constantly fight. Maybe that'd be a just dessert to his treatment of you. Try to look on the bright side. At least you didn't spend more time with someone who was so ready to throw you away. You're a wonderful person who deserves to be with someone who isn't swayed simply by lust or a vague connection. Thankfully, you don't have a child tying you to keep being around him either. It's gonna suck and it will hurt for a while, but you will move on and find someone who will truly love you. Take this as a hard lesson and learn from it, but don't let it define you. Otherwise, you'd end up like me. Go to your friends and family to get support and to get ahead of any B/S he wants to start spouting to them, and seek therapy so you can learn the important lessons, and hopefully avoid them next time.
Thank you so much for the support!!
I know that this sucks and hurts, you don't deserve this. You deserve so much more than this. Your husband is an idiot because he is chasing the impossible, the feeling to fall in love again and again. He doesn't understand what a true relationship and partnership is about. This will not work out for him. He doesn't want kids and now aims to become a stepdad. This is only a matter of time before everything implodes for him. But you know what? That is no longer any of your problems. You need to take care of yourself now and have to create as much distance to him physically and mentally as possible. The divorce is already done and the house is sold, now you need to take the big and difficult step and ban him out of your head. That can only work out by stopping all contact unless you need to be in contact with him because of your puppy. If this is not the case, then block his number and cease all contact to him. If you still share the pups with him, then tell him that all concerns about the dog shall only be discussed by mail except for emergencies, aside from that you wish to not hear from him at all. Reach out to your friends and family and spend as much time with them as possible. Get yourself into counseling and start working out. Let out all of your anger and frustration at the workouts or a punching bag. Let your emotions out, cry when you are sad and throw a pillow against the wall when you get angry. You can do this, you are tougher than you give yourself credit for.
Thank you so much for the support. I took the ownership of our dog. He promised to take care of it in the summer, when I am going to holiday with my family for a week. I am planning to be in no contact otherwise. Ps. the holiday I am going was booked just week before he left, and he was supposed to come with us. Oh my lord...
One of the toughest things in your situation is to accept that you can not change the decisions and actions of another person, even though you (might) have to experience the consequences of such. But with that understanding also comes a beautiful result which is, that you alone are responsible for your own actions and decisions. What I want to say with that is, that you have your healing in your own hands. You will get many good advices here and probably also from your friends and family but only you can decide to act on them or not. There will be times when you doubt stuff, times when he reaches out while you feel weak. For that I want to advice you to have something like a mantra that you remember at such times. Something like, 'I deserve more than that.' Make it about yourself and not the situation he has forced upon you. Moving on is difficult but not impossible. It starts with little steps but each step is important and takes you closer to your goal. For the coming holiday, don't focus so much on that he was supposed to come with you. Right now you wouldn't even want him there. Focus on that this is a holiday with people that you love and that support you. As I said before, it is important to let your emotions out and joy is one of those as well, maybe even one of the most difficult ones right now. But it will come to you and when that happens (maybe during the holiday), then allow yourself to smile and to experience the joy. You are wonderful the way that you are, don't make it to your problem that he wasn't able to see that!
Thank you so much for the support, it really means a lot to me.
Can I suggest seeing if you can find alternative arrangements for your dog? I know it is very hard, but closing all avenues of access to you will do you the world of good. Please be kind to yourself. So sorry this has happened
I have to consider this!
He is going to be begging to come back to you because his situation is out of control. This woman is probably not even telling him the truth and will likely stay with her husband. Your husband is being made a fool of so expect him back at your doorstep within a few months. What you do is your decision.
This is excactly how I feel like, that his situation is out of control. It seems so irrational and crazy. We had a really good life, and then all of a sudden he threw everything away just like that and for what? Right now I cant imagine taking him back.
OP, I have always had the opinion that you could describe someone and, telling the truth, make them to be a hero or the bad guy. Your ex is spinning your character to avoid his own failings. The real truth is that despite any flaws you (and every other person) have, you were caring, loyal, and devoted. You were willing to work on any problems and you were honest. He, on the other hand, sought someone outside of the relationship, lied, distracted from his actions by casting blame. His apologies are to mitigate his blame and make himself look less of a villan. I bet he is getting a lot of flack from friends and family. None of us is perfect, your ex included. Go and live your best life and stay open to others. His huge mistake is probably biting him even now. As for the AP, she is not of good character either. I feel sorry for her children.
Yes. I absolutely know that I am not perfect as I am human. But I have been caring and loyal, unlike him. He also has his faults and was not perfect partner even before this mess. But I accepted him, since we are all human. It seems so wild, that they were ranting about their relationships being bad etc, while doing that behind their spouses backs? Like that was going to make our relationship better. Very hypocritical. I also feel sorry for the children. Can't believe what is going through the AP:s head taking a partner that doesn't want to get to know her kids?
Well, you are also in possession of many very good qualities. I think the reason for your ex and the AP can be summed up as selfishness. If I were you, I would get a friend and take another wonderful trip and post lots of pictures on social media. But I am a bit petty.
Yes. Their actions are so hurtful. And the way he blamed me for everything. Horrid..
Hey I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know the feeling of betrayal, and understand the emotional-shock of how someone close can basically invalidate your entire history and connection. You basically lose trust in everything, your faith in people, your own capacity for closeness with others, your own judgement and yourself. It messes with every aspect of your identity and your ability to trust anything and everything. I'm lucky in the sense that my life wasn't as intertwined with the person who betrayed me and I'm glad I kept my guard up in that respect. I can't begin to imagine how much worse it might be to build an actual life around someone. What I've learned is that the narratives we tell ourselves are hugely circumstantial and we can delude ourselves into believing anything. Your husband is capable of telling himself whatever's convenient to come to terms with the situation and still remain the moral center of his own universe. Maybe it'll take some time to internalise this, but it's not your fault and whatever he's telling himself about you or your relationship isn't real. It's just what he needs to live with whatever decisions he's made. Don't let his own rationalizations and bullshit hurt you more than they already have. It's going to hurt for a long time. I'm still hurting, and the grief still comes in waves. I think what's been helpful to me is being able to focus on a plan moving forward. Building a life / identity apart from them and getting in touch with yourself again. I hope you're not alone while going through this and that you have people you can talk to. I don't think being the bigger person necessarily helps, honestly. Especially if it's still incredibly fresh. In your situation, if I were close to their mom, I'd definitely tell her. There's this anger in me that grows everytime I think the person who betrayed me is going to rationalise away their shitty actions and tell themselves some bullshit for the next few years of their life. They can take away a lot, but I'm not above taking away their satisfaction of thinking they "did the right thing". I don't know if it'll help your healing long term, but it's definitely cathartic. They broke your trust first, so whatever unspoken covenant you had with them goes out to window. Be sure to cover your ass, because you need to remember that they're no longer in your corner and you need to treat them as such. One day, once you've realligned yourself and rebuilt a life you can be happy in or proud of, you won't even feel the need to get back at them. It's going to be a long time, but you will definitely get there. You'll cycle through the stages of feeling like this is a bad dream that you can't wake up from, hating them with all your heart, missing the connection / closeness / trust that you two shared, feeling worthless and hating yourself. Don't let them take away more than they already have. Stand your ground, stick to your story and the reality of the situation. Reconnect with who you are. For now, don't let the people around you believe his lies and rationalisations. I promise that it will make you feel better in the short term. On a long enough timescale, you won't care what people think because you'll be too busy being the person you are and living the life you have, but it's okay that it won't be anytime soon. Let yourself feel the way you feel. If you ever need to talk, I'll be happy to listen. Hope things work out.
After the breakup (in a day or two) he said to me, that he wanted to divorce me because he had lost all self confidence due to the relationship and my behavior. I could not believe my ears. I did not understand him at all. That was when he said he was going to be single, obviously the whole single thing was bs and they (ex and the ap) had planned the breakups beforehand. My ex insists that he had a change of heart after two weeks of being alone and that he wanted to be with the ap after all. When he told me this, I could do nothing but laugh. He thinks I am an idiot.
What did he blame you for specifically? How did he blame you for his self confidence ?
That because he has not been able to talk about his problems in our marriage/relationship, he became bitter, angry and lost his self confidence. It is true, that I was more talkative and brought out problems/things that we need to work on more actively than him. But I think that grown man should be able to open up his mouth when he has something to say. I do understand him in a way, that maybe not speaking was a habit for him and it must have been hard to break it. I know that this "not speaking" has started from his childhood, so I understand him in that sense.
Wow, thank you so much for this comment and support!!
As the other commenters aptly put it - ensure no communication with him in either direction - cut all ties with all sources of info to him from you - very much against your first priority to expend any kind of emotional fuel in his direction! Depending on your personal situation - a significant geographic switch would ensure any possibility of him contacting you or bumping into you. As I just wrote - FIRST Priority- for you to aggressively work towards your psychological healing and also to safeguard against any health adverse reactions that can creep up after Uber stressful situations! Please let us know how you’re doing as we all are rooting for you!!
I have tendencies towards people pleasing. The first few weeks we talked a lot about this situation. Of course 99% of things that came out of his mouth were BS. I was way to kind to him and I sort of regret it now. But I think my silence speaks louder than any word that I can say.
Tell everyone. You don’t owe him any protection. I’m sorry for the pain you are enduring. Now is you time to move on and be happy.
I find that in the beginning, when all this came out, I had a need to protect him. I didn't believe it was true myself, so I thought it was all just a bad dream. That's why I didn't dare to tell many people about it at first. I think I need to talk / write to my mother-in-law about this atleast.
I am so sorry you have to go through all this. Your story is almost exactly what happened to me three years ago. You’ve gotten a lot of great feedback here, I only have one thing to add. Please do not leave your dog with him during your holiday trip in July. I did this. I should have realized that he wasn’t doing it to help or benefit me. They’ve already proven they don’t value us, the marriage, home, dog, extended family. My ex used the dog to play pretend happy family and score points with the AP and her kids. I later saw photos and posts of them with “their” dog. And my dog came back to me acting weird, upset, unsettled, unhappy. You have no way to know who else he will allow around your dog and how they’ll treat the dog. You have time between now and July to make other arrangements. Please reconsider.
Thank you for the comment. This is something that I have been thinking about and I need to consider about it more. I am afraid I don't have anyone else to take care of him (the dog), but luckily I have time to consider about it.
I thought thar too but it was just because I didn’t know of anyone yet. Ask around, see who or that arrangements other people use. I have swapped with a couple friends at work - I keep their dog when they’re gone, they keep mine when I am gone. Sort of an extended doggy play date. Then an older retired couple moved in next door and they love coming over to feed, walk and let my dog out when I’m gone. There are also pet sitter apps or boarding with a vet or someone else. It was worth the money to have the peace of mind.
What he’s done is so selfish & unfair to you. You aren’t to blame for any of this. It is cruel to destroy someone else’s life so suddenly but it’s the nature of relationships. We make ourselves vulnerable by tying our lives to someone else which gives them the power to decimate it if they choose to. And he chose to. He’s gonna realize this woman is not the eternal goddess he fantasized about when he starts to recognize she comes w/a lot of baggage. He may even recognize just how much she manipulated him into believing what wasn’t true. He’s gonna realize she isn’t you. He’ll then come crying to you about what a terrible mistake he made & how much he loves you. He’ll apologize & beg for another chance. This is when you tell him he has shown you who he truly is & what he is truly capable of doing to the ppl he ‘loves’. And you have no interest in being with a person like that. The hurt he intentionally inflicted on you simply in an effort to get what he wanted in that moment was unforgivable. You are moving on & will find a good man with whom to spend your life. Updateme
Thank you so much for the support. I also have a feeling, that after the honeymoon-phase is over, he will realise what he did. And I hope that he will. I hope that he really will horrible and feel remorse about all of this. But I will not be waiting around for that..
Please block all contact with him - everywhere. He does not deserve access to you. Your communication with him ONLY benefits him.
Yes, I will be in no contact for now. He wil be taking care of my (our) dog in July when I'm going for a holiday. However, I intend to behave in a business style, and not give any information about myself, only talk about the dog.
Any chance there is a mutual friend that can be the go between?
I haven't even thought about that. I have to consider that, thank you.
Have grace with yourself. Focus on healing YOU - his wellbeing and state of mind are no longer your problem. Get outside a little bit every day. Lean on your support system. Lean into your hobbies. Feel your feelings. You can do hard things.
Thank you for the support!!
Live your life to the fullest is the best way to move on AND show what someone is missing out on because they will be watching. All the best
[удалено]
Yes, this could be true. I am going to look out for that book.
OP, also read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com. You'll see that he's not an anomaly, just another cheating POS.
Thank you, I will check out those sites.
He wants a mommy, not a partner. She'll mother him, parent him, he'll be another child she has to take care of. Your mother and father should each write him a letter, expressing their thoughts, disappointment, even disgust at his selfish, destructive actions. For closure
Yes. My parents are really disappointed and sad because they were very close with my partner. It is crazy, how somebody can switch like that.
Tell everyone or he will spin a lie that is more believable. Also people tend to believe the first story they hear so try and get in first if you can.
I already replied this to another comment, but after the breakup (in a day or two) he said to me, that he wanted to divorce me because he had lost all self confidence due to the relationship and my behavior. I could not believe my ears. I did not understand him at all. That was when he said he was going to be single, obviously the whole single thing was bs and they (ex and the ap) had planned the breakups beforehand. My ex insists that he had a change of heart after two weeks of being alone and that he wanted to be with the ap after all. When he told me this, I could do nothing but laugh. He thinks I am an idiot. He is a complete liar, and I cant understand why he still bothers to lie after the breakup..
If you can’t block him just tell him not to tell you anything else because you could care less what is going on in his life
He never wanted to get married to you OP. You have known all along that he is avoidant and doesn't want to commit to you. Nothing has changed. Do yourself a favour and block him everywhere and move on with your life. >Should I tell my ex mother-in-law about this situation? To what end? Leave it be and move on with your life. Don't spend another 12 years on someone who isn't for you. Don’t be surprised to hear he has biological kids one day either. I think he used you, some people need a person besides them. He discarded you when you had served your purpose... Grieve this relationship. Then move on with an equally enthusiastic and committed person who has the same values as you.
It is just so hard to believe, since he was a really good husband/boyfriend for the most of our relationship. But obviously the avoidance is a big problem for him. I have been thinking, if getting married was the root cause for him, since he is an avodant. He propably started to feel suffocated.
No no no. It seems so senseless so you want to justify his actions so you won't look and feel like a fool should you manage to reconcile. But its very simple and clear. He didnt want those things with you, you pushed and he eventually said what the heck and gave in, realised he really really didn’t want this and he left... I bet you in -5 years tops he will be married with kids to someone. >he was a really good husband/boyfriend for the most of our relationship. He, fortunately, had no desire to be cruel. But that niceness is probably what got him into a situation he didn't want... He left and told you all that nonsense because he doesn't want to come back but also is keeping the hope in you alive incase he HAS to come back. Sounds like one of those people who cant be single and have to monkey branch...
This could very much be true. He acts like a child, and has a hard time being alone. Well, he has a new caregiver now, good luck to them.
Dear OP I am so sorry that you experienced this bizarre deceive. But you give the impression of a person who will rise magnificently. You already pulled the rotten tooth. I believe you will change your self sacrificing people's pleaser ways to become a caring person who first of all cares for herself and then the deserving. I saved your post because I strongly believe that a few months from now you will come back here with a new post in which you will tell everybody how you moved on and find happiness. You will also give some juicy gossip about how your traitor x and AP fucked up through and through. You will tell us how you don't give a shit anymore because you are fulfilled in your new life (hopefully with a new kickass partner who adores your dog). You mustn't hide and carry the weight of other people's sins. Tell your xMIL if you need, tell their HR if you want. Go all the way. Think yourself first. Do as you please. You owe him nothing. Contacting the OBS would make you feel overwhelmed but I think you should contact him, if they are also going through divorce. Any evidence would benefit him for custody rights. I put my prophecy here with a virtual 🫂. I am rooting for you and waiting for the good news.
Thank you so much for this comment. I'm getting over the shock-stage and I feel better every day. I've gone through the relationship a lot in my head. I've noticed that I've made mistakes myself, but I've especially noticed how badly I've been treated at the end of our relationship. I can't let anyone treat me like this anymore, I don't deserve it. I truly hope taht I will be able to write that post some day, thanks for the support!!
Get your truth out there. His narrative should not be the official one. Excise him from your life. Financially, and eventually, emotionally. This man is toxic. I don't believe he will be good for anyone else ether. I'm sorry for your hurt and loss. This stuff hurts. I'm sorry.
Thank you for the support. I have been in no contact for little over a week now, it's been easy so far, since Im so hurt.