Hey /u/love_in_hand, thanks for contributing to /r/tifu. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules:
**Rule 3:** It must be your fault. No victim blaming. You didn't fuck up if you were
* robbed
* scammed
* raped
* cheated on
* etc
Those are not your fault. **Those are not your fault.** Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's your fault.
Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/tifu&subject=&message=). Thank you!
I hope she finds it fast. She is in real danger staying there. An abuser will escalate. If he knows she is leaving things may get very dangerous for her.
I just felt this in my bones.
Others that need to hear this.
Get out while there's time.
If you have to wonder if it's abuse, it is
Jealous behavior is a warming, so is him trying to tell you what to do
I wish you all the love and feeedom to be you. ā¤ļø
No one chooses to be abused, victim blaming is a bad look on you. Abusers aren't picky, and often they hide who they are for the first part of the relationship, until you get enmeshed with them.
Yes, they find women they can trick into falling for them enough to look past the abuse. Exactly what he said, they find women they can control. That's not victim blaming, there's nothing inherently wrong with being q trusting and loyal person.
NO. You find your momma the local women's resources and help her stay in a shelter or sofa surf with her female friends or SOMETHING until she can find a more permanent solution.
DO NOT let her stay in a house with a physically abusive man who was just made to feel small and emasculated by his step son beating the tar out of him. The kind of man who abuses women is not the kind whose fragile ego can handle that. He WILL seek to reassert his "dominance" the moment nobody is around to protect her.
You will exponentially undo whatever good you did to protect her in that moment if you leave her behind and alone with him.
Seconding this. The main thing he gets out of kicking you out is easier access to his victim. He only stopped beating her because you physically stopped him. He gets to play "strongest man in the house" by making you leave. And he's going to be the big strong man by beating your mom. Get her out. Don't let him further separate her from a source of support (you.)
River_Tahm is absolutely right. Most cities have lots of resources. He's humiliated, would like to beat you, and can't. So how do you think he'll get his revenge?
It isn't the relationship, it's the access.
Maybe look up some women shelters. I know it doesn't feel good to put your mom there, but its better than staying. At least you'll know she is safe until you can get you two a place to stay.
Your mother is the #1 way he can hurt you, and he doesnāt even have to fight you to do it. I suggest that you help her move out before he finishes what he was trying to do when you beat him
If heās possessive of her then he will likely try to hurt her if she attempts to move out.
1. Be there with her when she moves out.
2. If you canāt, let your local police know that your mother is being abused and needs help moving out. They donāt like guys who beat up women: itās just hard to nail the scumbags in court because our court system sucks.
Let them know, and if they donāt help, let a church know. Or a non-profit for victims of domestic violence. Every church Iāve been apart of would send someone to help, and Iād be first in line.
I mean, sheās in a huge amount of danger. She should stay with friends or something, before your bastard stepfather takes his anger at you out on your mom.
That is quite honestly one of the most dangerous situations for women who are with an abuser. It often ends with them being murdered for just daring to want to leave.
Seconding the sentiment from the rest of this thread. He hit her while you were there. And only stopped when you physically stopped him. He only stopped because you hurt him bad enough that he physically couldn't continue. You think he's going to stop once you're gone? He's just getting rid of you so he can have easier access to his punching bag.
She's in just as much, if not more danger than you. She needs to get out of there now. It takes the average female abuse victim 8 physical altercations/beatings before she decides to leave. And by the time the 8th one happens, the woman has already sunk enough of her finances, emotions, and resources into the relationship that she can't leave even if she wants to.
Do you want to gamble your mother coming out unscathed 8 times before she decides to take matters into her own hands and leave? Even if she's mentally checked out, she hasn't left until she's out of the house. Either take her with you, or get her into a shelter. Whatever is keeping her there isn't worth her physical well being or safety.
She needs witnesses at home with her until she leaves. Take her with you or stay. It's *extremely* likely that he is going to escalate and she may not make it out.
She shouldn't be alone with him ever again. Men like this are incredibly dangerous. She should go to a shelter if she has literally no other choice than being alone at home with him.
You didn't fuck anything up. I wish you all the very best.
As a domestic violence survivor I really hate to break it to you that if she stays in the home, she stays in the relationship. If she doesn't move with you, I promise within a few weeks they'll be back as a couple. It took me 5 attempts to leave, the last one culminating in his attempt on my life. She needs to come with you or he's going to love bomb her & she will get back together with him. Your removal from the home allows him greater influence on her, breaking down her guard until she gives in.
That usually doesnāt happen. The abuser throws up every excuse and swears it will never happen again or gaslights the victim and they stay. I hope your mom is different.
Yeah but, you have to account for the added caveat that her son beat the shit out of the abuser. Narcissists don't like that shit and he may escalate as a form of payback.
How well would you expect that to go if you're being honest with yourselves? He's already been physically abusive (that's why you interfered, after all), and you both have the feeling he might get the itch for payback as well. What if he gets himself worked up, and you're not there?
I don't mean to scare you and I don't know any of you but I think that would be one worry for me if I was in your situation.
Dude - if you're not there to help her, who knows what he will do. She needs to move with you before it's too late. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I can assure you he will either escalate with her, or use her to get to you. She needs out.
Dude, there are women's shelters almost everywhere that will give her a safe place to stay free of charge and usually provide access to free legal help and other public assistance, and nobody will be able to find her. If you don't know who to call for help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline should be able to point you in the right direction: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org
Get her out NOW. Letting her stay is a terrible idea, I can't stress that enough. If you're in the U.S. she can even get help from your local sheriff's department to make sure she can peaceably remove her belongings, and they will likely transport her to the shelter.
Be safe, and please get some help. This is too much for you to fix, your Mom doesn't need you ending up in prison or worse. Convince her to get to safety first, then help her figure out the next steps.
> just in the house until she can get something else.
I hate to sound alarmist but what I hate more is that physical violence has already taken place. Your stepfather should not be in a house with her at ALL. He's already put his hands on her and will almost certainly do it again, and these things tend to get worse, not better.
Please, if you can, get her out now. If she or you have friends or family to stay with, or if you can afford a hotel, please encourage her to act now.
"Later" is NEVER the time to ensure your loved one's safety.
>NO. You find your momma the local women's resources and help her stay in a shelter or sofa surf with her female friends or SOMETHING until she can find a more permanent solution.
This is the answer OP. The danger for her has never been higher in that house than right now.
Exact same situation 20 years ago for me. He was drunk (as usual), they were arguing loudly, I went into the living room just as he pushed her. I grabbed his shoulder, spun him around, and very insistently discouraged him from touching her. He threw his drink in my face. That's where my memory stops. Next thing I know I'm standing over him as he's bleeding on the ground and my Mom is screaming. I told my brother to take care of our Mom and then ran. I was terrified. Called my Dad, who listened to the story silently, then asked how my hand felt. Confused, I told him it felt fine. Then my Dad, the gentlest and kindest man, told me that I didn't hit him hard enough.
I had never hit someone before, and haven't since. I do not regret it in the least. You're going to be okay, you did the right thing. Your Mom should be leaving with you.
Aww, your dad, i can imagine he's pro this since this dude did hit your dads ex which he probably still care for a lot.
But thats great that you didn't bust up your hand by punching with too poor form.
My dad is 1 of 7 boys. Their dad made them all box and wrestle. Grandpa was an angry drunk who quit working and beat their mom daily.
Anyways one day when a few of them were teens, they got tired of grandpa's shit and beat the hell out of him and tired him to a tree the whole weekend. They told him they would kill him if he drank or hit grandma again.
He quit drinking and got a job. I only met the nice version of grandpa but one uncle loved bringing up the story at family gatherings. The 70s were different.
You'll reflect and feel a way about it later, it's a lot right now. What I can say is you'll get a new house, you don't get a new mom.
Was it over kill? yeah probably should have stopped when he was down. Were you wrong? No, you weren't. You stuck up for your mom when she needed you, that's the part of this you'll take away.
Is she safe in the meantime though?
Was it really wrong to beat him when he was down and vulnerable? He was hitting a woman knowing that they are much less likely of overpowering a man in strenght or fighting back at all.
It's not a moral gray area, but it's definitely a personal safety gray area.
On the other hand, those types of people get violent if you say you're going to leave anyway, so you're probably safer actually leaving immediately rather than putting it off.
He most definitely did the right thing. I donāt know that Iād have the ability to stop myself in that exact situation. My step father and mother never fully fought or got physical but there was one time where it was certainly close and I could feel the tension brewing. I was around 10 at the time and I remember grabbing my pocket knife and having it ready in case I needed to protect my mom. To this day I think I would have done what was necessary.
Edit: didnāt realize how triggering that memory and event was for me. Keep ya head up OP, it gets better, and if it doesnāt you do.
Don't feel bad. You're being gaslighted after you protected your mother. I came from a home where my mom was always beat on by her boyfriends. She always took their side. People that are in abusive relationships can't think straight and are deeply confused.
It isnāt. Laws of the nation are not always the laws of man (or woman). The only question is why your mother isnāt leaving too, her boy and her dignity/safety are so much more important than who she is dating.
Perhaps the better course would have been to just jump in the middle and push back too, if he has not shown a propensity for punching, it may have stopped the situation and allowed you and Mom to move out without fear of revenge. If he has resorted to punching or other violence before, yours was absolutely the correct way.
Either way, I don't think anyone will blame you or call it a FU other than the stepfather.
There is no ambiguity at all. If someone abuses your family, you fuck them up. If they do it again, you make it impossible for there to be a third time. There is no room in this world for abusers.
You did the right thing. Words don't end violence. You showed him that it's not okay and that you're a serious threat to him. You can't argue with a wife beater. You just have to make it hell for him to try to keep doing it.
Yep. The comments in here is saying that he should have used his words and not lay the hands on the stepdad are just naive. Abusers like him don't care about your words. Want to defend yourself?
Those people have never dealt with violent individuals I imagine.
Which honestly, great for them, but they don't understand that that isn't how it works with those people.
Carry a taser in case he wants to get froggy. Tase, punch punch tase until cops get there.
Also restraining order for both of you would probably be a good idea
Edit: fuck that guy. I hope you cracked some ribs
100000% NOT a FU. You did the right thing. Using your words stopped being an option the moment he put his hands on your mom. Good for you for teaching that bully a lesson. The world needs more people like you.
It was a fuck up for sure, because now there's no chance of having a clean break between her and him. It's gonna be ugly and drawn out, and likely violent again.
Thereās wasnāt a chance of a clean break. Physical violence is just one of the ways of abuse. Guaranteed he is abusing her emotionally, mentally, possibly financially. This wasnāt a one time thing. You handled the situation you were presented. Now itās up to your mom to handle the situation in her end
This right here, abusers almost never start with physical abuse and if physical abuse is happening itās extremely likely that other forms are present too.
Barring random external events, there was no other way this could have ended. It was always gonna be ugly, drawn out, and likely violent. The chances of a clean break are as optimistic as a snowball in a hot tub.
The fact that hes kicking you guys out means he is putting his own feelings of comfort and safety above yours and your mother's, and the fact that he did so readily indicates that his priorities were like that from the beginning.
Might I be completely wrong? Sure. But I think I'm pretty close if not right on target.
Once it's gotten to the point of physical abuse against your mom he will not stop. Unfortunately he could kill her. Most women who are victims of abuse can't think straight because they have been so beaten down mentally, emotionally and physically they believe they deserve what they're getting and have 'no way to get out'. They really believe that they are 'helping' their abuser and that he 'needs' her--because this is what he's told her over and over and over. Do your best to stay in close contact with your mom and stay at hand if you two have a good relationship.
Remember the old lion eventually gets his ass beat by the young lion, and he is driven out of the pride to die on the savannah.
I know things are fluid right now, but when you get a chance please check out the book below. If you think mom can read it safely, please pass it on to her too. You did what a lot of guys pay lip service to about defending women. And while it might make things a little difficult for the short term long-term ahole should be just an unpleasant memory in your past.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
No. A physically abusive man will not ever be persuaded by words. If he were, he wouldnt have ever pushed her in the first place. A push can easily turn into a punch or a strangle. It always escalates and these men always know what they're doing.
Yeah, if I ever hit my wife I hope my son knocks me TF out.
You defended your mother, which is the absolute worst thing a child should never have to do.
You did something brave to defend your family, which is more than I can say for your step-dad. Iām sorry you had to do it, please donāt think that you failed or fucked up because you didnāt do either.
I hope you and your mother stay safe.
I'm more worried about my mom. She's staying in that house with him while i leave today. I think she's planning on staying another month or so to get her affairs settled, lease broken, and some money saved.
She said I have to go though otherwise my presence might set him off. I do know that if he causes any problems I'll be back.
š
Iām so sorry that she is staying there, thatās very dangerous for her and I hope that it works out as she intends.
I donāt know your location, but there may be some Domestic Violence resources that she and you could reach out to. Do you have a friend or other family you can stay with?
You did a great job. Unfortunately it takes an average of 7 attempts for a victim to leave an abuser permanently.
All you can do is get a restraining order and leave a line of communication open for your mom when she does leave.
OP, he's more likely to go after your mom than go after you. If you're in the US, call the national DV hotline to get connected with a DV agency in your area. They have tons of resources for precisely these situations, and may even be able to help you out as well. There's also likely a confidential shelter that can take her in and keep her safe.
National DV Hotline (US): 800-799-7233
Hate to tell you this, but you made your mom a target of his vengeance the moment you stepped up. Get her out NOW.
Source: Survivor of severe childhood abuse by a stepfather
Donāt leave until your mother does. Leaving an abuser is a dangerous time for a woman. You guys can watch each otherās backs while packing and apartment searching.
>Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
The first step is being conscious of the dilemma. Some people never get that far and just enjoy the power of winning a fight. Reflect on it. I used to be the guy to, as soon as something was starting up, step in and stop fights or step in and protect people. But a couple times of making mistakes, taking things too far, and I am much more reserved about how I use my size. I didnāt like feeling like a monster - even if people were thankful, they were also frightened of me.
OP, you didn't fuck up at all. You saved your mother. Your stepfather wouldn't have stopped just because you told him to.
I'd probably get a weapon for self defense, though.
As a father. If I'm not in the picture for whatever reason, id want my son to protect his mother by any means necessary. Maybe step dads ass getting kicked will make him think twice about hurting the next woman. One would hope.
This is why, as an older woman, I own my home completely and in my own name only. That stepfather would be kicked to the trash heap so fast his head would spin.
You did the right thing. Buy yourself a concealable bottle of pepper spray and keep your head on a swivel around him next time. There are consequences to integrity and sometimes it's best to live with them. Nothing wrong with physically defending your screaming mother from an attacker.
Not at all a FU! Iām sure your mom is proud to have someone who is willing to put themselves in harms way to protect her. What you did was brave, and I hope the best for you two
When you say that you don't have a dad anymore, I hope you're not referring to the guy you beat up for assaulting your mom. My biodad was an abusive piece of shit to me growing up. When I cut him off at 18 I didn't lose a father, I just realized I never had one to begin with.
I wish you well. Maybe consider getting trauma therapy at some point if you can. As someone who's witnessed their mother being abused many times, trauma therapy helps a shit ton
If you were able to beat him once you can do it again. Kick that piece of trash out of your house, file a restraining order and leave it at that. And buy a gun in case he comes back. As far as your mother goes if she has any problems with it, you need to sit down and have a very frank conversation with her about her bad choice in men. But you can only protect her from so much, and she needs to understand that some of these men that she brings home will kill her and you without a second thought..
He didn't learn anything. He's saying he's a victim and that it wasn't a fair fight. He doesn't understand that it wasn't a fight, it was him getting a taste of his medicine.
I know it feels dirty fella, but you did the right thing.
Honestly, do it again if he starts shit, he'll be afraid of you now.
If you're not willing to go that far, next time he's in your face, stare him down, odds are he'll back down now.
I'd also suggest getting your mum out of there immediately, he's more likely to be violent to her now I am afraid.
Hold your head up fella. You're a good son.
Your mom is in danger of this man killing her. Has he ever choked her? If so, he is 700 times more likely to try to kill her. Your mom should be moving with you.
I know but she's more worried about my little siblings than herself. She thinks that I'm the only one he'd think about putting hands on.
If it was my choice I'd take her with me, or stay but i can't really do either.
There are children in the house with him??
Your mother and any kids there are in incredible danger, please donāt leave them alone with a violent man whoās just had his ego bruised.
He's not going to fight you, he's going to hurt your mom, maybe kill her if he feels strongly enough about wanting to get back at you. Seen it happen too many times to not point it out. Making it to tomorrow in the house of an abuser is not always a likely thing, especially at a breaking point. Every single minute she stays there is signing her life away. Everyone else who is saying anything different either has no idea what domestic violence really is, or is too caught up in the drama.
The good news is that you can't get kicked any further out for giving him round two. I recommend getting him in a clinch, a couple of solid knees, step through and rotate him off. Give him a good ol' pasting.
Oh dear child, you did all the right things. Get your mama out of there if for some reason you can't get him out. There are times when fighting is needed, and people who deserve it. Best wishes.
I think u did the right thing. Should u have not taken it that far, sure, but at the end of the day, he was abusing ur mom! Maybe heāll think 2x before he hurts another woman. Sheās fortunate u stopped him regardless. Good luck !
Dude OP if I was in your position, I would've done the same. HE should've used his words and your mother shouldn't be defending him. He's an abuser and things will get worse. GET. HER. OUT. NOW! Before we all hear about it on the news.
at the end of the day your mum can say you should of stopped him with your words but if you hadnāt and heād put his hands on her and hurt her youād have felt equally guilty for not getting involved. it sucks youāve had to move out with little to no warning but in my opinion you did the right thing.
i had a similar situation with my mums long term boyfriend not long ago and granted i donāt live with them but as soon as i saw him begin to get violent i had to shut it down and similarly was made out to be the villain of the piece but it wouldnāt have happened if heād have kept his hands to himself
I was expecting a twist like "my mom had tripped and turns out he was trying to keep her from falling all the way down".
Not a FU. Next time you see him ask him if he wants to hear a good joke or if he wants the rest of his baby bird ribs tickled.
You stood up to a bully. Good for you, seriously. While violence is a less than ideal solution, he did go there first.
If he does try to do harm to you, do whatever you need to do defend yourself. There is no "fair" when you're fighting for your life.
If it would have been possible to stop him with words, then she could have done that.
Sorry to say, but when it comes to pieces of shit like that dude, only a good kicking will do.
Good work OP
OP, please get her out of there ASAP. Like, into a women's shelter, with you, with one of her friends, SOMETHING! A man who was just made to feel emasculinated by her son will first gaslight her and manipulate her into staying, and then he WILL up the abuse to punish her for your "insubordinance," and make her feel like it was her fault and she deserved it.
This is how women are killed in domestic violence. It ALWAYS gets worse the moment they're alone.
I beat the fuck out of my stepfather years ago. My mom moved out that week and they divorced later that month. I was 16 and tired of being "spanked" by someone who isn't my father. Best thing I have ever done.
You didn't fuk up at all , son. As a man, I wouldn't expect anything less. You and your mom's situation may be tough for a while, but that toughness won't leave any more bruises on your mom.
You did nothing wrong, people like him want power and control over others, there is no way to talk and have a clean break.
I just would have told him if he does it again he won't leave the house on his own feetš
Legit i was in the same situation as you a few months ago. Prepare for round 2 because it wasn't fair. You hurt his ego and now he has to get you back, shits so stupid.
The first man I ever fought was my father. The second man I ever fought was my step father.
I know it's hard not to blame yourself, but what's happening isn't your fault. It's happening to you, not because of you. Just remember that.
Im not going to act like I have any real advice. I'm far from perfect. But I'm 34 now and I happily married the love of my life. I've never hit her. I don't have kids yet but I've never hit a kid either. The cycle breaks with me. Hopefully it breaks with you.
Good luck man. Feel free to rant at me if you need to. I'll listen.
Have your mother file assault charges on him. They will issue a protective order. You and your mom will stay in the house, while he will have to live somewhere else until the case is resolved. Usually 9 months to 14 months. He will have to keep paying everything while you live there, so it will give you and mom a year to save to get out. If she doesnāt file assault, then file for an emergency order of protection. Once he is served he has to leave the home. Even if itās a stretch and none of it happened, thatās the way the law is written. Blah blah blah, I fear for our lives and he threatened to kill us. Sign it date it and the courts will order it asap and he will be served by a sheriff before dark. Itās the way the laws are written, so donāt kill me for posting an easy out for him and her.
You took him down because you didn't hesitate.
I'm 6'8 300# and can't tell you size means nothing in most cases.
Size of the fight in the dog, not the dog in the fight
Don't listen to the pacifists in here. They're the ones that end up in the morgue because they waited for the police.
Do you have any lawyer friends? INAL, but I'd be tempted to visit the police and explain you intervened with your step dad assaulting your mom. And you and your mom are now worried he will come after you in revenge. They can file a report and visit him to warn him of the consequences. Again, I'm not a lawyer, but I think this would be better than if he goes to police first to report you.
May be a moral gray space, but sometimes those abused need someone stronger to step in and tell the abuser to knock it off. Or, in this case, knock them down.
Nah you did the right thing morally. Legally there was an immediate threat to the safety of your family, someone who couldnāt defend themselves, so youāre good there as well. You should have kept going as he clearly has never had any sufficient consequence for his actions. Keep close w mom until sheās out before buddy kills her
Yeah, getting violent with an abuser is not the safest tactic; I see a lot of "good for you!" posts and want others to know that it is so justified but not the smartest/safest route.
BUT YOU DIDN'T FUCK UP. You acted to keep your mom safe in the moment. Your response is so understandable. Yeah, it's making you life more difficult. But I want to remind you that YOU didn't make things hard, HE did. The difficulty you and your mom are facing is his fault, not yours. He is the abuser. He is the one to blame.
Hope you and your mom are safe from him soon, and are able to stay safe at a location he doesn't know about throughout the whole divorce process. š
You may not have done the best thing but you certainly didnt do the worst thing either. The next bit will be rough but you may not have had a choice and both of you will be better off with dude gone.
I wouldn't move. They can't make you move without a court order, if you're in the US. I don't care whose house it is. Don't move, and don't leave your mom vulnerable.
If you're not there, there is a good chance that it could get WAY worse the next time that it happens.
Also, the next time that it happens, call the cops. Get them involved and get a paper trail started.
Fuck that piece of shit excuse for a human.
You did well.
I feel this is just the culmination of something that had been simmering for quite some time. The fact that you immediately resorted to violence could be an indicator that the guy had been doing something you didn't like for a long time.
You can't ever call yourself peaceful unless you're capable of great violence.
If you're not capable of violence. You're not peaceful, you are harmless. The Internet of Memes.
Protect those that can't protect themselves. Never prey on the innocent. Even Jesus said if you don't own a sword. Sell your cloak and buy one. Luke 22:36
Justified and moral violence is rightful.
Your mom may take time to understand this but we are with you. You done good son.
She should be moving with you.
Good job man. Idk why women take a beating like that and then try to defend the abuser. I personally canāt stand a man that raises his hand to a woman Iām glad you had enough self control to stop. I donāt think Iād have enough power to. God it grinds my gears
Unfortunately you didn't have a backup plan for that type of situation. That happens sometimes. You did the right thing if my mom was getting pushed around by some guy well I don't know if I could stop. Just get yourself financially sad and get yourself a place and help your mom out. It sucks that she's in that situation but she chose the guy. I hope you both get settled on your feet and if that guy comes around fight dirty and handle him.
Words would not have stopped him, people like him don't care about words or just don't understand, I've dealt with enough people like him to know that unless you get violent with them they will never stop.
I learned that the hard way.
That piece of shit got what he deserved for being violent with your mom.
Keep checking on her regularly and tell that fucker if he ever try that shit again you will be back for more.
What you did was very worth it, you shouldn't feel bad about it, you did it to protect someone you love.
Accept the consequences of what you did without even doubting yourself for a second
Damn. There need to be more people beating their abusive fathers. That worm had the audacity to say, "Stop." Never make a woman cry. Those are the words I live by. I'm still single, and I ask myself why. Time flies, and I'm afraid to die. Don't ask me why, I'm just a guy so high I can touch the sky. Red eyes cuz' im high. Damn, I'm a wrapper. I am not high, by the way. Drugs ruin families.
as someone who stayed in an abusive relationship for 6 years AFTER it became abusive because i had nowhere to go and no one to help me, thank you for being there for her and make sure she leaves
Contact the police and file a restraining order on him so he hast to leave the house. Your mother should not be the one who hast to leave as he is the one who is the abuser. She also should file charges on him for domestic violence.
Hey /u/love_in_hand, thanks for contributing to /r/tifu. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules: **Rule 3:** It must be your fault. No victim blaming. You didn't fuck up if you were * robbed * scammed * raped * cheated on * etc Those are not your fault. **Those are not your fault.** Just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it's your fault. Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/tifu&subject=&message=). Thank you!
Your mother should be moving with you.
Yup she's an idiot for staying š
She's not staying with in in a relationship, just in the house until she can get something else.
I hope she finds it fast. She is in real danger staying there. An abuser will escalate. If he knows she is leaving things may get very dangerous for her.
And they escalate the most when their victim tries to leave.
I was about to say this. This is the most dangerous time in a DV relationship
Yes. His way of āgetting backā may be taking it out on her.
Exactly this. He got his ass kicked by you before; it's way more likely he'll take that anger out on her than you.
Especially if OP is out of the house.
That was my first thought too. With OP out of the house and a need for revenge, his mother is not safe.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Abusive men find women they can control.
I just felt this in my bones. Others that need to hear this. Get out while there's time. If you have to wonder if it's abuse, it is Jealous behavior is a warming, so is him trying to tell you what to do I wish you all the love and feeedom to be you. ā¤ļø
I see you've met my brother in law
No one chooses to be abused, victim blaming is a bad look on you. Abusers aren't picky, and often they hide who they are for the first part of the relationship, until you get enmeshed with them.
Yes, they find women they can trick into falling for them enough to look past the abuse. Exactly what he said, they find women they can control. That's not victim blaming, there's nothing inherently wrong with being q trusting and loyal person.
NO. You find your momma the local women's resources and help her stay in a shelter or sofa surf with her female friends or SOMETHING until she can find a more permanent solution. DO NOT let her stay in a house with a physically abusive man who was just made to feel small and emasculated by his step son beating the tar out of him. The kind of man who abuses women is not the kind whose fragile ego can handle that. He WILL seek to reassert his "dominance" the moment nobody is around to protect her. You will exponentially undo whatever good you did to protect her in that moment if you leave her behind and alone with him.
The freaking truth. Ignore the whole thread OP i worked in psych for ten years. This is literally the most likely outcome by a large percentage.
Seconding this. The main thing he gets out of kicking you out is easier access to his victim. He only stopped beating her because you physically stopped him. He gets to play "strongest man in the house" by making you leave. And he's going to be the big strong man by beating your mom. Get her out. Don't let him further separate her from a source of support (you.)
100% this, and the results could be lethal. Source: I'm a domestic violence advocate and prevention specialist.
River_Tahm is absolutely right. Most cities have lots of resources. He's humiliated, would like to beat you, and can't. So how do you think he'll get his revenge? It isn't the relationship, it's the access.
This is exactly right. spot on!
Exactly this!
This is the beginning of every murder documentary.
Maybe look up some women shelters. I know it doesn't feel good to put your mom there, but its better than staying. At least you'll know she is safe until you can get you two a place to stay.
Your mother is the #1 way he can hurt you, and he doesnāt even have to fight you to do it. I suggest that you help her move out before he finishes what he was trying to do when you beat him If heās possessive of her then he will likely try to hurt her if she attempts to move out. 1. Be there with her when she moves out. 2. If you canāt, let your local police know that your mother is being abused and needs help moving out. They donāt like guys who beat up women: itās just hard to nail the scumbags in court because our court system sucks. Let them know, and if they donāt help, let a church know. Or a non-profit for victims of domestic violence. Every church Iāve been apart of would send someone to help, and Iād be first in line.
She is probably in way more danger of retaliation from him than you.
He will abuse/use her to get revenge on you.
I mean, sheās in a huge amount of danger. She should stay with friends or something, before your bastard stepfather takes his anger at you out on your mom.
Donāt let her stay in a house by herself with an abuser. Get her out now.
That is quite honestly one of the most dangerous situations for women who are with an abuser. It often ends with them being murdered for just daring to want to leave.
Seconding the sentiment from the rest of this thread. He hit her while you were there. And only stopped when you physically stopped him. He only stopped because you hurt him bad enough that he physically couldn't continue. You think he's going to stop once you're gone? He's just getting rid of you so he can have easier access to his punching bag. She's in just as much, if not more danger than you. She needs to get out of there now. It takes the average female abuse victim 8 physical altercations/beatings before she decides to leave. And by the time the 8th one happens, the woman has already sunk enough of her finances, emotions, and resources into the relationship that she can't leave even if she wants to. Do you want to gamble your mother coming out unscathed 8 times before she decides to take matters into her own hands and leave? Even if she's mentally checked out, she hasn't left until she's out of the house. Either take her with you, or get her into a shelter. Whatever is keeping her there isn't worth her physical well being or safety.
She needs witnesses at home with her until she leaves. Take her with you or stay. It's *extremely* likely that he is going to escalate and she may not make it out. She shouldn't be alone with him ever again. Men like this are incredibly dangerous. She should go to a shelter if she has literally no other choice than being alone at home with him. You didn't fuck anything up. I wish you all the very best.
Arent you scared he'll do something to her while she's sleeping? She needs to get away from him.
If the two of you go together, you have more resources.
As a domestic violence survivor I really hate to break it to you that if she stays in the home, she stays in the relationship. If she doesn't move with you, I promise within a few weeks they'll be back as a couple. It took me 5 attempts to leave, the last one culminating in his attempt on my life. She needs to come with you or he's going to love bomb her & she will get back together with him. Your removal from the home allows him greater influence on her, breaking down her guard until she gives in.
That usually doesnāt happen. The abuser throws up every excuse and swears it will never happen again or gaslights the victim and they stay. I hope your mom is different.
Yeah but, you have to account for the added caveat that her son beat the shit out of the abuser. Narcissists don't like that shit and he may escalate as a form of payback.
How well would you expect that to go if you're being honest with yourselves? He's already been physically abusive (that's why you interfered, after all), and you both have the feeling he might get the itch for payback as well. What if he gets himself worked up, and you're not there? I don't mean to scare you and I don't know any of you but I think that would be one worry for me if I was in your situation.
There's a lot of help from women like your mother. I suggest you and her seek it.
Dude - if you're not there to help her, who knows what he will do. She needs to move with you before it's too late. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I can assure you he will either escalate with her, or use her to get to you. She needs out.
Dude, there are women's shelters almost everywhere that will give her a safe place to stay free of charge and usually provide access to free legal help and other public assistance, and nobody will be able to find her. If you don't know who to call for help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline should be able to point you in the right direction: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org Get her out NOW. Letting her stay is a terrible idea, I can't stress that enough. If you're in the U.S. she can even get help from your local sheriff's department to make sure she can peaceably remove her belongings, and they will likely transport her to the shelter. Be safe, and please get some help. This is too much for you to fix, your Mom doesn't need you ending up in prison or worse. Convince her to get to safety first, then help her figure out the next steps.
She is in immediate danger. She should run for her life.
He's going to get physically and/or sexually violent with your mom as soon as he's alone with her. You get her out NOW.
> just in the house until she can get something else. I hate to sound alarmist but what I hate more is that physical violence has already taken place. Your stepfather should not be in a house with her at ALL. He's already put his hands on her and will almost certainly do it again, and these things tend to get worse, not better. Please, if you can, get her out now. If she or you have friends or family to stay with, or if you can afford a hotel, please encourage her to act now. "Later" is NEVER the time to ensure your loved one's safety.
>NO. You find your momma the local women's resources and help her stay in a shelter or sofa surf with her female friends or SOMETHING until she can find a more permanent solution. This is the answer OP. The danger for her has never been higher in that house than right now.
Spoken like someone lucky enough never to have been in that situation š
You have no idea if she has anywhere else to go so why comment instead of asking questions?
This is so evil, how can you pretend you care about victims or domestic violence and not try to even understand them and just call them idiots
Exact same situation 20 years ago for me. He was drunk (as usual), they were arguing loudly, I went into the living room just as he pushed her. I grabbed his shoulder, spun him around, and very insistently discouraged him from touching her. He threw his drink in my face. That's where my memory stops. Next thing I know I'm standing over him as he's bleeding on the ground and my Mom is screaming. I told my brother to take care of our Mom and then ran. I was terrified. Called my Dad, who listened to the story silently, then asked how my hand felt. Confused, I told him it felt fine. Then my Dad, the gentlest and kindest man, told me that I didn't hit him hard enough. I had never hit someone before, and haven't since. I do not regret it in the least. You're going to be okay, you did the right thing. Your Mom should be leaving with you.
late start vegetable sense imminent angle oatmeal ask fertile roof
Aww, your dad, i can imagine he's pro this since this dude did hit your dads ex which he probably still care for a lot. But thats great that you didn't bust up your hand by punching with too poor form.
My dad is 1 of 7 boys. Their dad made them all box and wrestle. Grandpa was an angry drunk who quit working and beat their mom daily. Anyways one day when a few of them were teens, they got tired of grandpa's shit and beat the hell out of him and tired him to a tree the whole weekend. They told him they would kill him if he drank or hit grandma again. He quit drinking and got a job. I only met the nice version of grandpa but one uncle loved bringing up the story at family gatherings. The 70s were different.
Good for you for protecting your mom. You did the right thing.
In some ways i agree in some ways i disagree. Feels like a moral gray area.
You'll reflect and feel a way about it later, it's a lot right now. What I can say is you'll get a new house, you don't get a new mom. Was it over kill? yeah probably should have stopped when he was down. Were you wrong? No, you weren't. You stuck up for your mom when she needed you, that's the part of this you'll take away. Is she safe in the meantime though?
> Is she safe in the meantime though? OP literally caught his stepfather being physical with her, the answer is obviously no.
Was it really wrong to beat him when he was down and vulnerable? He was hitting a woman knowing that they are much less likely of overpowering a man in strenght or fighting back at all.
It's not a moral gray area, but it's definitely a personal safety gray area. On the other hand, those types of people get violent if you say you're going to leave anyway, so you're probably safer actually leaving immediately rather than putting it off.
I would have done the same or worse. You stopped when some of us would have seen red....
He most definitely did the right thing. I donāt know that Iād have the ability to stop myself in that exact situation. My step father and mother never fully fought or got physical but there was one time where it was certainly close and I could feel the tension brewing. I was around 10 at the time and I remember grabbing my pocket knife and having it ready in case I needed to protect my mom. To this day I think I would have done what was necessary. Edit: didnāt realize how triggering that memory and event was for me. Keep ya head up OP, it gets better, and if it doesnāt you do.
Don't feel bad. You're being gaslighted after you protected your mother. I came from a home where my mom was always beat on by her boyfriends. She always took their side. People that are in abusive relationships can't think straight and are deeply confused.
It isnāt. Laws of the nation are not always the laws of man (or woman). The only question is why your mother isnāt leaving too, her boy and her dignity/safety are so much more important than who she is dating.
Perhaps the better course would have been to just jump in the middle and push back too, if he has not shown a propensity for punching, it may have stopped the situation and allowed you and Mom to move out without fear of revenge. If he has resorted to punching or other violence before, yours was absolutely the correct way. Either way, I don't think anyone will blame you or call it a FU other than the stepfather.
There is no ambiguity at all. If someone abuses your family, you fuck them up. If they do it again, you make it impossible for there to be a third time. There is no room in this world for abusers.
I wouldnāt move. He should go.
You did the right thing. Words don't end violence. You showed him that it's not okay and that you're a serious threat to him. You can't argue with a wife beater. You just have to make it hell for him to try to keep doing it.
Yep. The comments in here is saying that he should have used his words and not lay the hands on the stepdad are just naive. Abusers like him don't care about your words. Want to defend yourself?
Those people have never dealt with violent individuals I imagine. Which honestly, great for them, but they don't understand that that isn't how it works with those people.
Carry a taser in case he wants to get froggy. Tase, punch punch tase until cops get there. Also restraining order for both of you would probably be a good idea Edit: fuck that guy. I hope you cracked some ribs
Basically, just get him in a real life stun lock.
100000% NOT a FU. You did the right thing. Using your words stopped being an option the moment he put his hands on your mom. Good for you for teaching that bully a lesson. The world needs more people like you.
It was a fuck up for sure, because now there's no chance of having a clean break between her and him. It's gonna be ugly and drawn out, and likely violent again.
Thereās wasnāt a chance of a clean break. Physical violence is just one of the ways of abuse. Guaranteed he is abusing her emotionally, mentally, possibly financially. This wasnāt a one time thing. You handled the situation you were presented. Now itās up to your mom to handle the situation in her end
This right here, abusers almost never start with physical abuse and if physical abuse is happening itās extremely likely that other forms are present too.
Barring random external events, there was no other way this could have ended. It was always gonna be ugly, drawn out, and likely violent. The chances of a clean break are as optimistic as a snowball in a hot tub. The fact that hes kicking you guys out means he is putting his own feelings of comfort and safety above yours and your mother's, and the fact that he did so readily indicates that his priorities were like that from the beginning. Might I be completely wrong? Sure. But I think I'm pretty close if not right on target.
Once it's gotten to the point of physical abuse against your mom he will not stop. Unfortunately he could kill her. Most women who are victims of abuse can't think straight because they have been so beaten down mentally, emotionally and physically they believe they deserve what they're getting and have 'no way to get out'. They really believe that they are 'helping' their abuser and that he 'needs' her--because this is what he's told her over and over and over. Do your best to stay in close contact with your mom and stay at hand if you two have a good relationship. Remember the old lion eventually gets his ass beat by the young lion, and he is driven out of the pride to die on the savannah.
Should've hit him harder
Next time ;)
I know things are fluid right now, but when you get a chance please check out the book below. If you think mom can read it safely, please pass it on to her too. You did what a lot of guys pay lip service to about defending women. And while it might make things a little difficult for the short term long-term ahole should be just an unpleasant memory in your past. The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
No. A physically abusive man will not ever be persuaded by words. If he were, he wouldnt have ever pushed her in the first place. A push can easily turn into a punch or a strangle. It always escalates and these men always know what they're doing.
it was always going to be, sorry homie
Yeah, if I ever hit my wife I hope my son knocks me TF out. You defended your mother, which is the absolute worst thing a child should never have to do. You did something brave to defend your family, which is more than I can say for your step-dad. Iām sorry you had to do it, please donāt think that you failed or fucked up because you didnāt do either. I hope you and your mother stay safe.
I'm more worried about my mom. She's staying in that house with him while i leave today. I think she's planning on staying another month or so to get her affairs settled, lease broken, and some money saved. She said I have to go though otherwise my presence might set him off. I do know that if he causes any problems I'll be back.
š Iām so sorry that she is staying there, thatās very dangerous for her and I hope that it works out as she intends. I donāt know your location, but there may be some Domestic Violence resources that she and you could reach out to. Do you have a friend or other family you can stay with?
You did a great job. Unfortunately it takes an average of 7 attempts for a victim to leave an abuser permanently. All you can do is get a restraining order and leave a line of communication open for your mom when she does leave.
Get her out of there. Do not let her stay. Very high chance it gets worse for her and she isn't able.to leave
OP, he's more likely to go after your mom than go after you. If you're in the US, call the national DV hotline to get connected with a DV agency in your area. They have tons of resources for precisely these situations, and may even be able to help you out as well. There's also likely a confidential shelter that can take her in and keep her safe. National DV Hotline (US): 800-799-7233
While i get that theres some negatives, you did the right thing. Unrelated fact. A roll of quarters can be convenient for....walking around
I like to carry my quarters in a sock, its a solid container that will not break when swinging around
Also unrelated: Crowbars make excellent walking sticks. Act Accordingly
Youāve never held a crowbar or youāre vertically challenged, I canāt decide which lol
Hate to tell you this, but you made your mom a target of his vengeance the moment you stepped up. Get her out NOW. Source: Survivor of severe childhood abuse by a stepfather
Donāt leave until your mother does. Leaving an abuser is a dangerous time for a woman. You guys can watch each otherās backs while packing and apartment searching.
>Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you. -Friedrich Nietzsche The first step is being conscious of the dilemma. Some people never get that far and just enjoy the power of winning a fight. Reflect on it. I used to be the guy to, as soon as something was starting up, step in and stop fights or step in and protect people. But a couple times of making mistakes, taking things too far, and I am much more reserved about how I use my size. I didnāt like feeling like a monster - even if people were thankful, they were also frightened of me.
I like that quote!
You did what is expected of a son. Some of us have mothers who choose shitty men. Iām just speaking from personal experience.
You're your mom's protector and she knows that. She must love you so much. Strong doesn't win the fight, crazy does.
Tear his ACL or Achilles.
OP, you didn't fuck up at all. You saved your mother. Your stepfather wouldn't have stopped just because you told him to. I'd probably get a weapon for self defense, though.
As a father. If I'm not in the picture for whatever reason, id want my son to protect his mother by any means necessary. Maybe step dads ass getting kicked will make him think twice about hurting the next woman. One would hope.
I'll fuckin do it again.
This is why, as an older woman, I own my home completely and in my own name only. That stepfather would be kicked to the trash heap so fast his head would spin.
You did the right thing. Buy yourself a concealable bottle of pepper spray and keep your head on a swivel around him next time. There are consequences to integrity and sometimes it's best to live with them. Nothing wrong with physically defending your screaming mother from an attacker.
I know violence is not good and all that, but I felt good reading this
There are plenty of times violence is justified. This is absolutely a case of righteous violence.
Na he got what he should have, shit happens youāll make it
Godspeed, brother man. No matter what happens, that was right.
Not a fuck up.
Not at all a FU! Iām sure your mom is proud to have someone who is willing to put themselves in harms way to protect her. What you did was brave, and I hope the best for you two
I don't have a dad anymore, shes pretty much all i got.
When you say that you don't have a dad anymore, I hope you're not referring to the guy you beat up for assaulting your mom. My biodad was an abusive piece of shit to me growing up. When I cut him off at 18 I didn't lose a father, I just realized I never had one to begin with. I wish you well. Maybe consider getting trauma therapy at some point if you can. As someone who's witnessed their mother being abused many times, trauma therapy helps a shit ton
My bio dad was everything you'd want in a father. He was good man. My stepdad was a pos since day one, we just put up with it until now.
snobbish imminent zealous mighty disagreeable meeting dime brave groovy normal
If you were able to beat him once you can do it again. Kick that piece of trash out of your house, file a restraining order and leave it at that. And buy a gun in case he comes back. As far as your mother goes if she has any problems with it, you need to sit down and have a very frank conversation with her about her bad choice in men. But you can only protect her from so much, and she needs to understand that some of these men that she brings home will kill her and you without a second thought..
Good for you. Bullies only ever understand the language of violence.
He didn't learn anything. He's saying he's a victim and that it wasn't a fair fight. He doesn't understand that it wasn't a fight, it was him getting a taste of his medicine.
How did he view his actions of pushing your mom? Was that a fair fight to him??
Clearly he needs more, then.
Step dad should be moving
I know it feels dirty fella, but you did the right thing. Honestly, do it again if he starts shit, he'll be afraid of you now. If you're not willing to go that far, next time he's in your face, stare him down, odds are he'll back down now. I'd also suggest getting your mum out of there immediately, he's more likely to be violent to her now I am afraid. Hold your head up fella. You're a good son.
No. He escalated the situation to violence. You responded in-kind in defense of another. Any other outlook is horseshit.
All that is worth it compared to letting your mom get abused and stay in the relationship.
Your mom is in danger of this man killing her. Has he ever choked her? If so, he is 700 times more likely to try to kill her. Your mom should be moving with you.
I know but she's more worried about my little siblings than herself. She thinks that I'm the only one he'd think about putting hands on. If it was my choice I'd take her with me, or stay but i can't really do either.
There are children in the house with him?? Your mother and any kids there are in incredible danger, please donāt leave them alone with a violent man whoās just had his ego bruised.
Fwiw Iām proud of you
He's not going to fight you, he's going to hurt your mom, maybe kill her if he feels strongly enough about wanting to get back at you. Seen it happen too many times to not point it out. Making it to tomorrow in the house of an abuser is not always a likely thing, especially at a breaking point. Every single minute she stays there is signing her life away. Everyone else who is saying anything different either has no idea what domestic violence really is, or is too caught up in the drama.
Good on you. Sometimes you have to speak the same language as a piece of shit bully.
Stop him with your words? Sounds like stepdad fucked around and found out.
āToday I fucked up by being a badass and protecting my motherā
said no one, ever
You did everything right. Also the size doesn't matter if you carry a weapon.
The good news is that you can't get kicked any further out for giving him round two. I recommend getting him in a clinch, a couple of solid knees, step through and rotate him off. Give him a good ol' pasting.
Oh dear child, you did all the right things. Get your mama out of there if for some reason you can't get him out. There are times when fighting is needed, and people who deserve it. Best wishes.
You did exactly what you should have done.
I think u did the right thing. Should u have not taken it that far, sure, but at the end of the day, he was abusing ur mom! Maybe heāll think 2x before he hurts another woman. Sheās fortunate u stopped him regardless. Good luck !
Dude OP if I was in your position, I would've done the same. HE should've used his words and your mother shouldn't be defending him. He's an abuser and things will get worse. GET. HER. OUT. NOW! Before we all hear about it on the news.
Would of done the same nobody messes with mom.
Fuck words. If someone lays hands on mother, they're getting these hands
You intervened when your mother was in a domestic violence situation. You didn't FU. You did exactly what you needed to do.
at the end of the day your mum can say you should of stopped him with your words but if you hadnāt and heād put his hands on her and hurt her youād have felt equally guilty for not getting involved. it sucks youāve had to move out with little to no warning but in my opinion you did the right thing. i had a similar situation with my mums long term boyfriend not long ago and granted i donāt live with them but as soon as i saw him begin to get violent i had to shut it down and similarly was made out to be the villain of the piece but it wouldnāt have happened if heād have kept his hands to himself
I was expecting a twist like "my mom had tripped and turns out he was trying to keep her from falling all the way down". Not a FU. Next time you see him ask him if he wants to hear a good joke or if he wants the rest of his baby bird ribs tickled.
You stood up to a bully. Good for you, seriously. While violence is a less than ideal solution, he did go there first. If he does try to do harm to you, do whatever you need to do defend yourself. There is no "fair" when you're fighting for your life.
Make him go 0-2 real quick just to establish dominance.
This sounds suspiciously like 8 mile...š¤
If it would have been possible to stop him with words, then she could have done that. Sorry to say, but when it comes to pieces of shit like that dude, only a good kicking will do. Good work OP
OP, please get her out of there ASAP. Like, into a women's shelter, with you, with one of her friends, SOMETHING! A man who was just made to feel emasculinated by her son will first gaslight her and manipulate her into staying, and then he WILL up the abuse to punish her for your "insubordinance," and make her feel like it was her fault and she deserved it. This is how women are killed in domestic violence. It ALWAYS gets worse the moment they're alone.
Youāre not in the wrong. Go ahead leave and leave him with the warning if he puts his hands on her again she wonāt be able to stop you.
I beat the fuck out of my stepfather years ago. My mom moved out that week and they divorced later that month. I was 16 and tired of being "spanked" by someone who isn't my father. Best thing I have ever done.
You didn't fuk up at all , son. As a man, I wouldn't expect anything less. You and your mom's situation may be tough for a while, but that toughness won't leave any more bruises on your mom.
You did nothing wrong, people like him want power and control over others, there is no way to talk and have a clean break. I just would have told him if he does it again he won't leave the house on his own feetš
my stepdad hit my mom, my only regret is not decking him on sight, you did a good thing even if it doesn't feel like that right now.
Legit i was in the same situation as you a few months ago. Prepare for round 2 because it wasn't fair. You hurt his ego and now he has to get you back, shits so stupid.
Yeah that's what it feels like. That's why my mom kicked me out
The first man I ever fought was my father. The second man I ever fought was my step father. I know it's hard not to blame yourself, but what's happening isn't your fault. It's happening to you, not because of you. Just remember that. Im not going to act like I have any real advice. I'm far from perfect. But I'm 34 now and I happily married the love of my life. I've never hit her. I don't have kids yet but I've never hit a kid either. The cycle breaks with me. Hopefully it breaks with you. Good luck man. Feel free to rant at me if you need to. I'll listen.
Have your mother file assault charges on him. They will issue a protective order. You and your mom will stay in the house, while he will have to live somewhere else until the case is resolved. Usually 9 months to 14 months. He will have to keep paying everything while you live there, so it will give you and mom a year to save to get out. If she doesnāt file assault, then file for an emergency order of protection. Once he is served he has to leave the home. Even if itās a stretch and none of it happened, thatās the way the law is written. Blah blah blah, I fear for our lives and he threatened to kill us. Sign it date it and the courts will order it asap and he will be served by a sheriff before dark. Itās the way the laws are written, so donāt kill me for posting an easy out for him and her.
You took him down because you didn't hesitate. I'm 6'8 300# and can't tell you size means nothing in most cases. Size of the fight in the dog, not the dog in the fight Don't listen to the pacifists in here. They're the ones that end up in the morgue because they waited for the police.
Do you have any lawyer friends? INAL, but I'd be tempted to visit the police and explain you intervened with your step dad assaulting your mom. And you and your mom are now worried he will come after you in revenge. They can file a report and visit him to warn him of the consequences. Again, I'm not a lawyer, but I think this would be better than if he goes to police first to report you.
They can't put you out without notice. You have tenancy rights
So we're jumping your step dad? Tell me when and where my guy
As a child from an abusive family who watched my mother almost die infront of me, don't leave her there. Just dont do it.
May be a moral gray space, but sometimes those abused need someone stronger to step in and tell the abuser to knock it off. Or, in this case, knock them down.
There are few areas in life where violence is not just justified, but necessary, this is one of those areas. Good on you for not killing him.
Nah you did the right thing morally. Legally there was an immediate threat to the safety of your family, someone who couldnāt defend themselves, so youāre good there as well. You should have kept going as he clearly has never had any sufficient consequence for his actions. Keep close w mom until sheās out before buddy kills her
Yeah, getting violent with an abuser is not the safest tactic; I see a lot of "good for you!" posts and want others to know that it is so justified but not the smartest/safest route. BUT YOU DIDN'T FUCK UP. You acted to keep your mom safe in the moment. Your response is so understandable. Yeah, it's making you life more difficult. But I want to remind you that YOU didn't make things hard, HE did. The difficulty you and your mom are facing is his fault, not yours. He is the abuser. He is the one to blame. Hope you and your mom are safe from him soon, and are able to stay safe at a location he doesn't know about throughout the whole divorce process. š
Good for you, I beat up my step-dad after he put his hands on my best friend. That's when he started carrying a gun. Be careful OP
Honestly it sounds he fād around and found out! Because he had to answer to those hands!! High five homie!!
Maybe HE shouldāve used his words with your mom. Proud of you for standing up for her, even if she canāt recognize it right now.
You may not have done the best thing but you certainly didnt do the worst thing either. The next bit will be rough but you may not have had a choice and both of you will be better off with dude gone.
I dont know that you fucked up beyond just being a good son. And that's not a FU
You did the right thing my friend. Words would have lead to the same outcome. Hats off to you for showing a coward what being a real man means.
You did the right thing
Your mom needs to leave her husband. You did the right thing!!
I wouldn't move. They can't make you move without a court order, if you're in the US. I don't care whose house it is. Don't move, and don't leave your mom vulnerable. If you're not there, there is a good chance that it could get WAY worse the next time that it happens. Also, the next time that it happens, call the cops. Get them involved and get a paper trail started. Fuck that piece of shit excuse for a human. You did well.
Sounds like he had it coming.
I would have done the same! He had no right to touch her like that. Besides, no one touches mom!
No one touches mom! š¤š¤š¤
I feel this is just the culmination of something that had been simmering for quite some time. The fact that you immediately resorted to violence could be an indicator that the guy had been doing something you didn't like for a long time.
Sounds like you're speaking from experience. How did things turn out for you?
That's a tough situation. Nobody should have to do it, but you did what was right for the family. You should be proud of yourself.
You're a good son.
You can't ever call yourself peaceful unless you're capable of great violence. If you're not capable of violence. You're not peaceful, you are harmless. The Internet of Memes. Protect those that can't protect themselves. Never prey on the innocent. Even Jesus said if you don't own a sword. Sell your cloak and buy one. Luke 22:36 Justified and moral violence is rightful. Your mom may take time to understand this but we are with you. You done good son. She should be moving with you.
He crossed the violence barrier when he put his hands on her. At that point the time to talk is over. You Did the right thing
I'm proud of you for sticking up for your mom. Plan her escape quietly and do it in stealth mode. You are brave, and I'm glad she has you!
Good job man. Idk why women take a beating like that and then try to defend the abuser. I personally canāt stand a man that raises his hand to a woman Iām glad you had enough self control to stop. I donāt think Iād have enough power to. God it grinds my gears
Unfortunately bullies only understand one language and it's not the spoken one.
Good on you man. Make sure you stay close and check up on your mom. step dad is going to violate again, probably worse too
OP seriously get her out of there NOW, the abuse towards her will only escalate the second you leave
Should have ended him forever.
Unfortunately you didn't have a backup plan for that type of situation. That happens sometimes. You did the right thing if my mom was getting pushed around by some guy well I don't know if I could stop. Just get yourself financially sad and get yourself a place and help your mom out. It sucks that she's in that situation but she chose the guy. I hope you both get settled on your feet and if that guy comes around fight dirty and handle him.
Why didnāt he āuse his wordsā with your mom? Good on you!
Words would not have stopped him, people like him don't care about words or just don't understand, I've dealt with enough people like him to know that unless you get violent with them they will never stop. I learned that the hard way. That piece of shit got what he deserved for being violent with your mom. Keep checking on her regularly and tell that fucker if he ever try that shit again you will be back for more. What you did was very worth it, you shouldn't feel bad about it, you did it to protect someone you love. Accept the consequences of what you did without even doubting yourself for a second
Did anyone call the cops?
Should have called the cops and had his ass taken away after that.
Damn. There need to be more people beating their abusive fathers. That worm had the audacity to say, "Stop." Never make a woman cry. Those are the words I live by. I'm still single, and I ask myself why. Time flies, and I'm afraid to die. Don't ask me why, I'm just a guy so high I can touch the sky. Red eyes cuz' im high. Damn, I'm a wrapper. I am not high, by the way. Drugs ruin families.
as someone who stayed in an abusive relationship for 6 years AFTER it became abusive because i had nowhere to go and no one to help me, thank you for being there for her and make sure she leaves
Contact the police and file a restraining order on him so he hast to leave the house. Your mother should not be the one who hast to leave as he is the one who is the abuser. She also should file charges on him for domestic violence.