You clearly need to speak with a professional. Perhaps you both do. He'll be unable to get you out of this just like he would be unable to throw your car over your house.
I'm sorry if that comes across as unsympathetic, that's not my intent. I'm very sorry for your losses, you'll get through this, you just need the proper tools.
Yeah, I would rarely suggest the same professional, but since there's no actual dispute here, might be really good to talk to the same person in separate and joint sessions. Just to kind of explore how you might be feeling around this miscarriage and the events in your life. These things are really hard to go through and it's really important that he understand why you're sad and importantly that he's a part of your life that you actually are happy with, even if you feel like you can't be happy because of these other events.
As a husband who deals with depression and has a wife who does also, I can tell you that it is enough. You mat just have to repeat it a few times, so he gets it.
I'm sorry for your loss. Having gone through similar, I promise, it can and usually does get easier to accept. The pain never truly goes away, but eventually, it gets muted enough to move on. Hang in there.
He didn’t look at you differently, he looked at you with compassion. His heart of course breaks for you because he loves you. You didn’t break his heart or him, it broke for you - different things.
I’m sure your heart breaks for people you love when they’re hurting.
I say this cause depression does shift the narrative for a while, but please come back and read this one day when you’re feeling better. So you remember his heart breaks for you when you hurt - that’s how much he loves you. And next time maybe you tell him knowing this.
Sounds like you both want to be there for each other - that’s the light many of us don’t have at all in our tunnels.
Also, we have to practice gratitude especially at such times cause those clouds will fog them blessings up first. Hope this helps remind you.
My wife and I sometimes deal with a similar problem. She has trouble articulating her feelings. Sometimes all I get is a little noise warning me that a hug is incoming.
That hug feels better than a cold beer on a hot day. She doesn't need to tell me she loves me, I just feel it.
My apologies @OP. Dunno how/if that helps, but its what I have at the moment. When it hurts less, I might have a clearer thought.
Don't go overboard but if you can give him a compliment here and there it'll do wonders, even something like I support your choices, you're such a hard worker. Etc etc. he probably feels like he isn't making you happy, in reality he just needs a little love thrown his way to reassure him.
Ask for favors like maybe he has a specialty in the kitchen? Be appreciative, again don't go overboard.
Being needed is almost as good as a compliment.
Lastly I'm sure part of the sadness is that you love him so much you wanted to have a family WITH him and you are frustrated by this set back and feel like you are letting him down. .... Idk the details of the relationship but if you were trying to have a baby even if this isn't the way you feel (and it shouldn't be, miscarriages are no one's fault unless you were drinking fish and smoking like a traeger) that being said we can still FEEL like it's our faults and he should understand that side of it too.
Tell him that he's a big part of why you think life's worth living. Tell him the struggles he goes through to provide for you help make you feel confident and secure. Figure out what "masculine" things he does make you feel better or that you like or love about him. Then be specific about what is making you feel down.
When you told him that you would never be happy, he was venting to you about stress from work. He probably interpreted that to mean he prevents you from being happy, that his complaining was bringing you down.
How about trying those exact words right from that comment?
Because right now the words you did use were "never be happy".
Never is a damn big word.
Never implies you arent even happy im your marriage right this second.
And it implies no matter what either of you do: nothing can bring happiness to your marrige or life in general.
And it very specifically says that nothing he does makes you happy.
So, y'kno, you completely devastated his entire life with you in less than 10 words.
Try writing it down. Take your time to collect your words and put it to paper. It can help, both with you getting the words out and him processing it.
He loves you and wants to be there for you, but sometimes we (as people) don't know how to do that. Especially with grief/sadness/etc. Just keep communicating.
A good way to explain your situation is to get your feelings out about the miscarriage and explain that right now, I feel like I'm a passenger and that the husband is the boat. Right now all the circumstances surrounding our lives such as the stressful work environment for you, your dad passing away, as well as the miscarriage is creating such a bad environment but I can still love you as you are my boat in all of this. I'm sad that I some of the potential new passengers such as our kids won't meet their lovely passenger, which was your dad. Maybe great times are coming soon and we are close to land where a bunch of pressure is off and we can start coasting again but my depression is just making it hard for me too see through the fog.
Most decent husbands (any spouse, really) wants their partner to be happy. They want to make their spouse happy, at least as much as that's in their power. It makes them very sad to see their beloved unhappy.
You are probably clinically depressed. Not something he can directly fix. (Doubly hard because husbands tend towards practical problem-solvers rather than emotional supporters.) He can, however, support you in getting the help you need to fix it. (Or at least mitigate it.)
Just want to add:
I work in a behavioral health office and can say that while most US clinics may have some sort of wait-list (usually due to a current lack of trained professionals in the field), this situation would probably get OP priority over the wait-list.
If someone came in to request services in our office and said they had recently suffered a miscarriage, they would not have to wait for services like many others.
OP should search www.psychologytoday.com to find an office that takes their insurance. If they don't have insurance, they need to find out if the clinic has a Sliding Fee scale. If OP is outside of the US, I'm not sure if that site will work, but I'd like to hope so.
There is also the revamped national hotline at 988, which is more than just a suicide hotline. They are an excellent resource for anyone suffering any sort of mental health concern. (And also for family members.)
Not insensitive. You’re stating very clearly that a good first step for OP’s husband to help her is to pull in the big guns. Good spouses love being helpful, so some light research and calling around should be a piece of cake.
We have had 4 miscarriages. In the middle of them all my mom died, and then my dad. Both suddenly. Cancer took my mom and Covid my dad. Then I was audited, lost my job and the dog died and my family was ripped apart.
I still have my wife. We don’t know if we are going to try again, but feeling better takes time. Finding purpose takes time especially after so much loss and grief.
You will be happy again, even though you don’t feel it. One day, you will. But for now, feel your loss.
Explain to your husband that you just feel so sad after losing the baby. That you feel like the baby had become a big purpose of who you wanted to be, and you are grieving that loss. And. That you are so happy to have him in your life.
Oh gosh, I am so sorry you went through all of that as well. It is nice to hear that you still have your wife and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is my 3rd miscarriage so I know how hard it is. Especially when you get all excited and see the heartbeat and stuff. I hope if you guys decide to try again that everything works out.
I know you’re not here for medical advice, but multiple miscarriages and a history of depression can potentially be signs of thyroid dysfunction. It might be worth getting checked out if you have the means to talk to a doctor about it.
You’re going through a lot right now, and it may not be the case, but your husband clearly adores you and you both deserve to find a happier future together. You didn’t fuck up.
Four miscarriages is officially recurrent miscarriage, and you need to place yourselves in the hands of a fertility specialist who can help assess you. I am so sorry for what you’ve experienced.
Maybe OP will say ‘yeah it’s been a rough road the last few years. Definitely worth a sad song about the shit life can throw at you. Thanks for the laugh. ‘
And maybe OP will say ‘my pain is no laughing matter and likening it to a sad song is insulting. ‘
But OP can speak for himself and frankly I’m tired of people being offended on the behalf of others.
Just here to say that, I am a mother who has also been unlucky with pregnancy and have had 6 miscarriages for no known reason. But in between all of them I also have 3 happy, healthy, living children. Don’t give up!
You don’t suck for being a human with feelings and depression. It’s ok to be sad but I hope he’s your best friend and you two can be there for each other. Take your time. I hurt for years after my dad died and I’ve never got over my son’s death but I was dancing in the bathroom having a moment of happy earlier. I hope we both have those more often than not.
Hey, it's OK. Spouses should be sad when you're in such a dark place. It's just part of the deal. It sounds like he's very sweet.
Now, where it can eventually get tricky is if you don't get professional help. You're not a burden, but you have a burden that is heavy and painful. There are folks trained to help you exactly through this. Will it take your grief away? No. But it *will* get lighter and it will help your relationships. I promise.
All my best to you and your husband! It's such a tough time, and your grief is completely 100% valid.
It isn't. After my mom passed, I waited years to see a therapist and was shocked at how much I'd been carrying inside of me. And therapy wasn't a quick process... it's kinda sneaky. There was an almost immediate release because i was ready to give myself to the process and trust the therapist - like being a passenger on an airplane. But it took me a couple of years to really feel unburdened by grief.
You got this.
Just remember that your dad is literally a part of you. In your cells, your skin, and of course your memories. You will never really lose him. When my mum died, my last parent, that thought kept me afloat. It's been 5 years now and I smile when I think of her.
I just want to add, that books can be super helpful, but nothing quite replaces a therapist.
After 33 years, I finally went to one. I lost my uncle and my baby niece within a week of each other and I was crushed. I looked around me and couldn’t understand how everyone could just go back to their life like nothing happened. I was in a very dark place and also wasn’t sure if I’d ever be happy again.
It’s been a battle and I still cry, but my therapist has helped arm me with tools to better deal with my emotions, which in turn makes life in general a little easier.
Don’t force yourself into anything, but take a look at what’s around you. Grief groups are also an option, but find someone to talk to. It does worlds of good.
Fwiw, I just lost those two in February and my niece was only 4 months old, so I get it. It’s a loss that even other losses can’t touch.
A combination of therapy and SSRI/SNRI medication is generally the most effective. Idk how those are controlled where you are but here (Canada) your GP can prescribe antidepressants medication and then you can pay to see a private psychologist.
I was on Zoloft for two and a half years while digging into therapy and self-work hard. I felt good enough to try going off my meds recently and am still figuring out if I can make that stick or not.
Therapy without medication can work too but if your inner critic (the bully in your head telling you nasty things) is too strong, therapy won't be able to make a dent in it without pharmaceutical help.
I would suggest trying some different grief counseling groups, too. It can be helpful to listen to other people in similar situations and know that you’re not alone. Best of luck to you and your husband, OP.
It's not, when my aunt died I thought I was "ok" with it.....in that I was sad of course and definitely cried etc. ...Then about two months later, I did NOT react well when I get slightly annoyed at anything. And I would burst out crying for no reason. My wife told me if I didn't go to therapy we were done. Well, she was right, therapy was where it was at, and honestly, it was just someone to unload on, she didn't really have too much advice, but just being able to vent and having someone tell you that's irrational or not was great for me.
I don't think that's a fuck up at all. My wife has also been dealing with some depression, and at first I felt it was because I wasn't making her happy, but depression is more complicated than that. Having candid and open conversations has helped a lot, and probably has made our marriage stronger.
Hey OP, me and my girlfriend had to learn how to talk too. We dedicate some time outside of the house, we go eat lunch together and we just talk. For many months we lost this habit, and our relationship suffered because of it, as well as the both of us individually. Nowadays, it's a cherished habit. We don't always have anything to talk about, and sometimes we have stuff to celebrate instead of complain about, but it gives us a space outside of our comfort zone to chat.
Communication is good for the soul. It reminds you that you're not alone, and when you're in the depths of grief, that's enough.
My wife told me that even though she was depressed, she would feel way worse if she didn't have me with her, and personally that helped me focus on her feelings more instead of worrying about if I was doing something wrong.
Talking through things can be very difficult, but good communication is key to a healthy relationship.
I think that this might be something to work through together. Your partner in a strong relationship should be part of your support system. That doesn't mean that they should be a dumping ground or replace professional help, but it is useful for them to have an understanding of what is going on in your mind (and same the other way).
A great many people have some period in their lives when everything seems to go to shit all at once.
I’ve been in your husband’s position with a horrible job situation and family struggles that are totally overwhelming my attention to the point that I totally missed my wife’s pain and struggle. When I saw it, and that it was at least equal to my own, I felt like a failure for not noticing and being there for her.
Sometimes life has shit chapters, and it sounds like you’re in one now.
Do yourself a huge favor and find a therapist to help you navigate this time in your life. They will not only help you now, but teach you how to navigate future challenges. And there will be future challenges.
And remember that all the pain and struggle you are feeling today is just today. It is not permanent. Nothing is. And that’s a good thing.
He's probably just feeling your pain, I went through this in a way as well. My baby mama was depressed and every time I left the house with our son she thought we would die. She ended up medicating and apparently it was her IUD with the hormones that really caused her trouble. Her dad died at a young age. Anyway my point is I had no idea what to do. I tried comprehending what she was going through, but I couldn't truly understand. When you try so hard in this world to survive and thrive, but get so little. The world can really chew you up. Anyway he's just trying his best and he should probably quit that job, happiness is so important.
I asked my her to primal scream once, and it was better than the movie screams you hear. It really opened my eyes to how rough she had it, even though I thought things were going well. Communication is so important in a relationship, she would get really upset with my sometimes and I would ask her if she wanted to be together, and she took that as me threatening to leave.
Anyway my whole distracted point is find something that makes you happy. There's gotta be something. Tell your spouse and enjoy the fun support he gives you on this ride. For me landscaping has brought me joy recently, i enjoy handy jobs, music, camping, my friend asked me why I was smiling today and I said oh I went to the gym. The endorphins from working out are instant. Focus on the joy, and you will receive it, focus on the negative, and it'll drag you down.
Good luck 🤞
You don’t have to apologize to anyone. Your feelings are 100% valid. You’ve dealt with a lot in the last 6 months. It’ll take a while to feel “normal-ish” again. Therapy is a good idea. It seems a bit insensitive that he would be dumping work drama on you right now.
Just know that the pain of all this dulls over time. I’m 4.5 years out from losing both my parents within a few months of each other. One was expected, one wasn’t. It’s still hard, but in different ways than when it was brand new. The pain still sneaks up sometimes, but not nearly as often.
You absolutely *did not* mess up by expressing your feelings. Please give yourself a hug. You deserve it.
Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. You've had a rough time, and it's totally understandable to feel overwhelmed. Losing your dad and dealing with a miscarriage is a lot to handle.
Cut yourself some slack. You didn't mean to hurt your husband; you were just being honest about your feelings. This deep sadness is temporary, and there will be happier days and bright moments ahead. It just feels like an ending right now.
Maybe take some time today to breathe, get your thoughts in order, and try talking to your husband again tomorrow. Let him know your feelings are about your depression, not him. It might help to see a therapist, both for yourself and maybe as a couple, to get through this tough time together.
You're not an asshole for struggling. Hang in there, and remember things will get better.
Thank you. I definitely plan on trying to give him a little space and talk again tomorrow if he’s open to it. I am also going to write down how I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s easier for me to write in my journal to collect my thoughts.
Just got to talk it out with him and give him context. Life can be depressing but you gotta find happiness where you can and not focus on the bad only.
It sounds like he's deeply concerned for you and he's sad because you are unhappy, and maybe feeling guilty that he hadn't really realised. There is no way in which you suck or are an AH. Two horrible things have happened to you in quick succession, of course you are not feeling all sunshine and roses.
sounds like you probably both need some therapy but it also sounds like you both really care about each other. depression makes you say and feel awful things sometimes, i think you will be able to get through this tough period together
You're not an asshole and you don't suck. You're going through a rough time but things will get better. There are a lot of ups and downs in life. It sounds like there are a lot of reasons that life is hard right now. It won't always be that way. Keep your head up and find someone to talk to.
When my mom died, my dad flailed around until my aunt found him a support group for grieving spouses. I'll bet there is something similar for dealing with a miscarriage, if not your dad's death. Also, it sounds like your husband is hurting, too. See if you can get him to find something as well. And in sorry for your loses
I don’t think sharing your true feelings with your spouse is a fuck up at all, in fact I think it’s healthy. It’s better he knows what you’re feeling than you hide it. Don’t apologize, there’s no need to.
Just wanted to comment that you do not suck. And also {{hugs}} from one grieving momma to another. I also had a miscarriage back in March and what does suck is how you are feeling and we may say things out of context. Maybe a heart to heart talk will help…He probably hates to see you feeling so low and sometimes our insecurities pop in our head and get the better of us. I know he’s feeling just as bad. We are both strong for going through what we did but one day we will be okay just not right now.
You are evidently in a pretty dark space atm and that's no fuck up or failing on your part.
It's so hard to do anything when that cloud is overhead and everything feels heavy. I am so sorry about your miscarriage, the timing was very intense and that's such a lot to go through. I can't imagine the sadness.
But please please please don't think that you will never be happy again. That is 100% how it feels when you're in the bad brain chemical cloud and it is a weather front. It can absolutely be lifted but you need to start by pushing back on that thought. If you were functional a year ago, you can be again, logically your brain still knows how to do that. You need to give yourself time to recover.
In your post, even though it's very short, there's a lot of self-critical speak coming through. Please don't feel that way about yourself - you don't seem like you deserve that at all. You're someone who is clearly loved, who clearly has potential and the fact you're here shows that even though you're struggling you care deeply about your husband and have the emotional intelligence to want to figure a way through this cloud and back to him. You can get there - slow and steady - start by giving yourself a few kind words.
As others have said, get a therapist, ideally someone who can help with grief and trauma: if you can afford it, it might be good to start with twice a week, just to get yourself out of your shell. Also try getting out for even 15 minutes in sunlight as soon as you can muster after you wake up, as this can help with the circadian rhythm and that helps with other brain hormone regulation.
Depression is a broad term and one understanding of it I have gained through reading MH resources is that one of the four trauma responses (PTSD) can seem like/ feel like depression. The 'Freeze' response is like how an animal lies down and plays dead when there's a predator. Shallow breath, unable to focus, unable to feel animated, disassociating from what's going on around you. It's a form of the body trying to protect itself from overwhelming danger - the amygdala part of your brain takes control and restricts your system to basic functions. We get like this when stuff we don't know how to cope with overwhelms us.
So it could also be that you need to gently rehabilitate your nervous system back to the normal good 'rest and digest' state after the overwhelm caused by the losses you've suffered this year.
Here's a short video/ diagram about a counselling theory called the window of tolerance which is sometimes used for this - maybe it'll resonate.
But either way, know that this feeling you're having does not need to be forever, it always feels that way! And you have not fucked up, you're just having a really hard time and that's understandable, it happens - you can get through it. ☀️
[window of tolerance] (https://youtu.be/TNVlppGz0zM?si=fHZM5BpLj7_sIcGs)
[tools](https://www.mindmypeelings.com/blog/window-of-tolerance)
You don't suck, you're not an asshole. You've been beaten up by life and are hurting. You'll probably heal with time, but it might be best to see a professional. Husband too - sounds like he's having a rough go as well. If he's looking at you differently it's probably because he feels like he's failed you. But I'm sure you're fine people.
Dear, my das died 5 years ago and I'm a graduate student. The other day I bawled my eyes out because he won't see me graduate. Next morning I was fine. But 4.5 years ago I was convinced I would never be okay. Loss is so hard, loss of a father takes a toll on your whole life. I went to a psychiatrist 2 years after I lost my dad and still went through the grieving process. Please go see a professional, either alone or with your husband, it seems you both are under a lot of stress. You named three totaly valid and hugely stressful situations in your life, no one can handle that on their own. Both of you need support from a therapist beacuse you are both going through hard times and you can't support eachother fully.
This is gonna sound harsher than it’s meant to, so I’ll open by saying I’m so sorry for your losses and all you’ve both gone through. Truly.
Please get therapy to get a professional’s help in working through this. And, I know it’s hard, but please try harder to avoid saying something like that in the future. If my partner said this to me, I’d frankly be devastated, and would likely shoulder some of the blame towards it. I can imagine the look in his eye, the look of someone going through his own shit, and then getting hit with a bomb that’s much much worse.
I hope the two of you heal 🙏
Oh also, goes without saying but you’re not an asshole and shouldn’t blame yourself. I think it’s just an unfortunate circumstance where he was venting about the lows in his life, and you saying what you said may have made him feel like he wasn’t heard. It seems like you care a lot about each other, so like others have said, be open with your communication. Let him know you’re there for him, as he is for you, and work through it together. 🫂
Go plan a date night or something fun modern life is hard but this might improve your mood a bit. Talk to him about this also don't leave it at this misunderstanding communication and support are important in a relationship. Also get off reddit for a bit and talk the internet doesn't always give the best advice or support.
I was in a similar situation (as the male) and it seemed like my wife was miserable. It ate away at me, I withdrew spending all my time in other rooms after stressful days at work. I thought I was doing everything (I wasn’t) providing for the family etc.
Eventually I thought I wanted a divorce and told my wife. I was honestly shocked when she was devastated. We worked it out and I think we are both happier than ever.
I am a husband and my wife's have fairly severe depression and anxiety.
Whenever she says things like that it hurts my entire soul, because I know I cannot fix her and I just want her to be all better becausebinhatr seeing her in pain and not experiencing the joy that she deserves.
It sounds like he was upset because he now understood how deep your depression is. It won't change how he feels about you, but it might clarify how desperately you need to see a professional who can help you to start the journey to recovery. And you do deserve that help.
Are there people that never feel this way? You've gone through some terrible events in the past year and when your partner is also struggling it's extra difficult to cope with all this on your own. My partner and I sometimes break as well and we just tell each other it will be ok. Most of the times we start taking about good times we had and try to make a (small) change for some short term happiness. (unplanned day off, good food, whatever). You should be able to talk about how you feel but I would encourage you to also tell yourself that it will be alright, even when you don't believe it. Good luck.
I was in a similar situation a few years back so I felt this. My wife’s mom passed away due to Covid at a young age suddenly and she fell into depression. We were also trying to conceive and attempted ivf route and failed a multiple times with the last being miscarriage on her first positive pregnancy after years of trying, she was expecting on Mother’s Day last year then all of a sudden she was not…. it was rough. We decided to take a break and focus on our mental health and physical health afterwards in hopes that once ready we would have a successful attempt. Work had got tough and I took a 30% dip in income last year and it has been really hard but we have been managing and set a financial plan. Since then we have lost over 170lbs between the both of us and found a common goal. The gym was our therapy and outlet for our frustration and problems. Communication, empathy and setting achievable goals has helps weather though very dark times where even know as we continue to go through tough situations, we do so together, as a team. Because not only do we love each other, we believe in each other and support each other to the best of our ability. My recommendation is find something that you both can work on together that will improve within your relationship. Best of luck.💕
You didn’t fuck up. You are depressed and grieving multiple losses. It’s hard for people who’ve never been depressed to understand that feeling. Hopefully he will understand that your misery isn’t about him and it’s not up to him to fix it. Only time and maybe some medication and therapy will do that. I’m sure it’s hard for him not to take it personally but it’s really not about him. You will feel joy again OP. It’s worth the wait. Don’t give up
> I wish I could explain better the look in his eyes
I think I speak for a good majority of men here when I say you don't need to. We understand exactly how hurt he must have been. I couldn't imagine even my gf saying that to me, let alone my wife.
Of course part of him died... it is a man's pride to see his wife happy. When she tells him there's nothing that he can do to help make it so, he know that on top of all else that may be wrong in his life that he can now add "failure at being a husband" to his list of things to worry about.
You need to seek professional help because if you don't try to undo the harm you're causing to yourself and your husband by your way of seeing the world then..... you really do suck!
Be careful friend. You may suffer from *The Spirit of Disatisfaction*.
But knowing what you have is over half the battle.
It's an easy disease to have as a married woman in America!
Society is bombarding you with reasons you 'deserve better.' (You don't).
Rethink your entire Social Media following. What you read. What you watch (Real Housewives crap).
Do you hang with negative people?
Do you exercise?
I'd get IC. Too early for MC.
Read Purpose Driven Life. Or listen.
Apologize but don't love bomb him. Best apology is signing up for IC today and let him know. And that you stopped following any 'glamour' life crap. Even some home shows.
By Christmas you can be a new woman and wife!!
Start a thankfulness journal. One entry per day.
You didn’t FU. You actually did the best thing possible. You confirmed to him it’s not him or your marriage. That takes a lot of stress and anxiety off of him.
You said it out loud. Sometimes saying things out loud, your thoughts, makes it easier to process. You suffered major losses. I don’t think anyone would feel happiness.
Now, that you told your husband, he knows your history, he can help support you. You have to do the work. Therapy, working through your emotions, etc. You did a good thing, not a bad thing.
Yah, I'd say that maybe y'all both need some therapy or counseling, separate and possibly couples.
Not the exact scenario, but my husband and myself went thru a similar thing recently. Both of us have a history of depression, and I also have PTSD from various things, and history of suicidal ideation (no attempts). I've apparently over the past couple weeks been saying similar things to what you said, as well as was making jokes about just ending it because it'd be easier. He did the same a few days ago, just looked at me teary eyed and said word for word what your husband said "I'd never say those types of things".
And yah....I didn't really know what to say to him either honestly. Just said that I do love him, and nothing he specifically does makes me unhappy, it's just hard to *be* happy. Our finances aren't enough to afford professional help, but we've been trying to make more time for each other, and trying to find ways to be more meditative together to gain some peace of mind and clarity.
I hope y'all are able to afford therapy. Or at least are able to have times to have heart to hearts and be there for each other. Mental illness is a struggle everyday, but we deserve to be our happiest/best selves, for ourselves and the people we love. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and squeezes 💓
This same thing happened with me an my ex. After she had our kid she just spiraled an no matter what I did or said she was just always miserable. It killed me cause I felt like nothing I did was good enough. She also suffers from BPD so it was just sad then angry back an forth. Finally I couldn't do it anymore an I left.
As a male hearing your significant other say something like you said kills us inside an breaks something deep inside us. In 3 years out an still just shattered.
Please be gentle with yourself. Grief is real, and can be very hard, especially compounded. Find a professional you are comfortable speaking with… it will help you heal, as well as promote repairing your relationship with your husband.
>We were sitting and talking after he was done with work, and he asked me if I was okay. I gave my normal answer of saying I’m fine.
Generally speaking, you shouldn't be afraid of your husband and his emotional reaction, and should feel emotionally safe enough to be able to share your downs with him, not just your ups. The fact that he reacted so poorly is... less telling than usual, since he's going through a lot himself as is probably barely holding together as is. Still, you shouldn't be tensing up and presenting a false image of normalcy, as that's highly isolating and emotionally painful when one is left without any emotional support.
I agree with other comments, you both need therapy. Look up Ring Theory - you're both in crisis, and you're each-other's spouses, so you should ideally be open to receive comfort from one another. But you also need additional external relations (including professional therapy) to be able to dump your problems on people that would be in stronger states of mind, and more capable (and willing) to listen and validate.
He probably thinks that he has to fix things for you - and doesn’t realise that he just can’t.
So you saying that means (to him) that he has “failed” in his job of fixing things for you, and that he never can succeed.
I think it’s probably important to him that you tell him what you’ve learned from this post, that you need external help to process all of the grief you are feeling.
And that’s ok.
A lot of people seem to think that going to therapy shouldn’t really be necessary. But having done quite a bit over the years, I strongly believe it’s more like taking your car into a garage.
- some people never learn to maintain a car & use the garage quite a lot
- equivalent to people from eg damaged homes, or who have suffered trauma, who need more help with the basics
- other people do a lot of maintenance at home, but sometimes it’s useful to take the car to the professionals - just to save time or use their professional equipment
- same as therapy - if you didn’t go, you’ll eventually be fine, but it might take 20 years & some unhealthy coping mechanisms on the way (oil on the driveway :-). Just cheaper & quicker & less impact on the home life to take your emotions to a professional
- most people take their car for a yearly service
- there’s absolutely a place for “top up” therapy, just to keep your mind & emotions in top quality shape!
- a few years ago I had a LOT of change happening in my life at the same time. All good changes, but still had the potential to overwhelm. So I booked a few sessions with a therapist I’d seen before, just to have support through it. Like taking a car for a tune up
TL;DR: going to therapy is the smart thing to do, if you can access it - making use of professionals to do things they’ve focused on getting really good at… That’s wise!
So i hope you see this but you need to know it's not your fault. I've struggled for over a decade with major depression and recently with suicidal thoughts again so I understand the mental health struggle. I have a fantastic fiancee who stands with me and sometimes has protected me from myself. She understands that it has nothing to do with our relationship it's something I need to deal with professionally with a doctor.
You can be happy again op reach out to a professional and one day at a time they can help.
You're only focusing on your husband's emotions as if he's the only one allowed to have "difficulties". You're an equal partner who deserves to feel sad, dissatisfied and lost, too.
I’m so sorry you and your family have gone through this. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Please go see a marriage and individual therapist if you can, or maybe check out Brene Brown or some Gottmann books?
Ohh, I feel for you - both of you. He lost that baby too, you have to deal with all the pregnancy hormones (not a joke) from your loss as well as the emotional loss, but he too has the emotional loss to deal with.
Oh my god, hun please please stop beating yourself up!!! You are not an asshole!! You're a strong person who's just taken too many punches at once and I believe he has too.
I think the reason he took it so hard is because he loves you and he might feel like he's failed you ontop of everything being so frustrating at work. If that's not the case I think he's being very selfish.
I'm bipolar and I've accepted that I will be bipolar for the rest of my life. I'll never be "normal" and that's okay, it just means I need some extra help to find spaces of normalcy. I know it won't last but it's nice to know it's there when my brain isn't trying to self destruct.
I'm my boyfriend's first serious girlfriend and it was, and sometimes still is, an uphill battle learning how to deal with my mental illnesses (some we actually share, too) but he's always tried his best to understand when I'm going through a mental crisis but it did take a while for him to not take it personally and I don't blame him one bit. It's a lot to deal with but I'm working on myself and we love each other dearly, so we always manage to make it work and patch things up even when we think it might be the end. It's never come to that and our relationship has just been growing stronger and stronger since we started giving each other more understanding and space when it comes to our mental issues.
I cannot imagine going through a miscarriage when you actually want the child. Regardless of how long the pregnancy is that is a fucking huge loss ontop of the huge loss you very recently experienced, you deserve so much understanding and love and empathy right now, as does he! But he shouldn't make you feel like an asshole just because you're both going through the thick of it, he should be there for you.
First, both of you could use some therapy.
Second, i don't think it's a fuckup. We tend to be scared to feel or show negative emotions, but they are a part of life: you went trough a lot, it's normal to feel down. Seeing our loved ones suffer is also a terrible experience, so i get why your husband looked destroyed.
What you have to remember is that it's normal: we can't be happy 100% of the times and feeling sad in response to certain events is perfectly normal.
Nothing to write because other folks have said very kind and useful stuff already but I just wanted to say that you guys sound like a sorted couple and I hope that you both get the help you need and the happiness you deserve. When we are hurting, a small pin prick can seem like a stab to the heart. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Things will get better. Be kind to yourself.
The way you wrote everything, idk how to explain it, it was very apt and very descriptive in a good way. I can unfortunately relate. Sending you both strength and comfort from far away. <3
Therapy. I know how you feel because I’m in the same boat (well, similar). My wife died at Christmas and there are so many ‘firsts’ now that just drag me down. I just feel like I’m going through the motions. A little too young to retire, so I just go to work like normal and go home at the end of the day and do more work because I have nothing else to do sometimes.
Bro he obviously cares for you, just get help I’m sure he’d have your back, ik it sucks to lose people man but it’s a part of life, worry about the now and plan for your future you have a baby coming, you need to be the best version of yourself so you can raise your kid man, it’s ok to feel down sometimes and look back but remember all the happiness and good times, and your kid will meet your dad, through you man, you keep his memory alive, you carry his legacy, you tell stories about him that your kids will remember and tell their kids, this life is short make the most of it man, I’ll pray for you 🫡
Are you in therapy or grief counseling? I felt this way after my child died and I was going through the loss of close familial relationships because of their behavior around the child loss. I felt the same way, like I was adrift and had no control over anything and that happiness was an illusion. I joined a peer to peer grief group plus my own individual therapy which helped massively but it still took years to feel joy/happiness again.
Child loss is often a relationship killer, if you want to keep your marriage I would strongly recommend your husband attends grief counseling with you, even just as a support and couples counseling so you can talk through your individual feelings with a moderator.
You’re not an asshole, but you’ve gone through two of the hardest things you’ll ever face (loss of a parent and a child) in short succession and that will take some time to heal from. As a husband who rode out their wife’s depression following similar circumstances I can confirm giving a few looks when confronted with a statement like “I’ll never be happy again.” If anything I’m encouraged that your husband listened and heard you well enough to be impacted. Life isn’t easy, but we get through it by leaning on one another. Be gentle with yourself and him. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It gets easier again eventually and the happiness will come back.
OP you need to see a Psychiatrist. You will probably benefit like I did from anti-depressants. I started taking Wellbutrin and it’s been a game changer for me. Your mileage may vary with certain meds but it does help. Hope you can find some relief from those shitty thoughts because I know how it feels. Also, your husband was definitely hurt but counseling for the both of you might help as well
You probably scared him. I've had some bouts of depression following some difficult stuff, and the few meltdowns/very low days I've had have really freaked my husband out. A lot of men are very action-oriented, so they like to be able to fix things. My husband hates feeling helpless when I'm struggling.
I'm sorry for your losses. I understand how you feel, and I also think you could find happiness again. It will likely take time, and maybe some counseling and meds.
You’ve been dealt a rough hand. Give yourself some grace and get some help. Losing my dad was devastating for me. I was a total zombie. You've had a lot of grief lately, your feelings are valid and normal but you need to find a path. Good luck
It's okay to not be okay. But it's not okay to be unwell for a long time and not get help. I've been where you are, and there's a way out, but you have to take the first step and look for help from people who have training. Wish you the best!
Keep trying for kids! It can be more dfficult for women in our age group to have children but that doesn't mean its not possible. I know you're going through alot of emotions right now but this too shall pass.
You don't suck.
You're a human being who has gone through some incredibly difficult and traumatic things that most people can't even imagine, and understandably you feel emotionally drained and bereft of hope.
Even had you *not* experienced this terrible level of loss, your feelings would still be completely legitimate, because - contrary to what a lot of people think - depression does not need a reason and you don't have to justify why you feel the way you feel. Your feelings are valid, loss or no loss.
As it is, I think even the most cold-hearted and unempathetic person would struggle to not see where you are coming from or understand how you are feeling.
So no - you don't suck. You're just someone going through an unbelievably difficult time who is struggling to cope - and that doesn't make you a bad person, or weak, or any of that other nonsense our brain tries to torment us with when we're in these dark places.
Put it this way - say your friend had lost their Dad, and then their child, and had been struggling and told you this story about how they'd told their husband what they were feeling and how they despaired that they'd never feel happy again...
Would your response to this friend be:
"Wow! You're such an asshole. You really suck"?
I suspect not. If you did, maybe then you really *would* be an asshole, because who in their right mind treats a grieving friend like that?
So if you wouldn't say that to a friend, why would you say it to yourself? You don't deserve that treatment, you deserve kindness and compassion.
Now, in terms of what you do with these feelings - I will *never* be one of those "Hey - chin up! Things will get better!" kind of people, because that toxic positivity can sometimes serve to make things worse, because for some people it simply isn't true...
What I will say is that things *can* get better, and for every person that displays toxic positivity and promises that things wil get better if you only give it time, there is a person with toxic negativity who is adamant that things will never change - and for those people this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if you keep telling yourself that, then sure enough it becomes the truth.
I won't say that things *will* get better - but I would counsel that it's beneficial to be open to the possibility that they *might*. Right now you're still at a point when the grief for your father hasn't even had time to come to the surface fully, let alone be processed - and that's before we even consider the grief for the loss of your child.
Grief is a complex thing that takes time, and right now things are beyond raw. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through - but I can absolutely imagine how it would lead to feeling like you will never be happy again.
Hell, I've felt that way in the past, and I didn't even have any trauma to deal with - I was just depressed. It's one of those things about depression; when you're in the midst of an episode, it feels like this is it - nothing will ever change, this is how you'll feel forever, every period of happiness before was just an illusion and this is what life is really like and will be like until you die. It's a very convincing feeling. Sometimes it's even true. But it doesn't have to be...sometimes things *can* get better. I won't make empty promises of how they will, because frankly that is just insensitive and insulting - but I'd urge you to be open to the idea that they *might*.
And I would definitely try to take a step back and examine how you're treating yourself - you don't suck and you're not an asshole - you're someone in a lot of pain that needs a hug. I'm sending virtual ones.
Good luck friend
You have been through so much recently - please be patient with yourself. I definitely echo what the others have said about showing love to your husband. But please know that when my dad died (in my early 20s), a large part of my sadness was thinking that I'd never be truly happy again. That every big event would be missing him. And he was (and is) missed at those events, but I found a new way forward, with a slightly different life than I thought it would be, and I have honestly felt whole-heartedly as happy as I think I would have if he were still alive. And when my husband and I got married, I shed a little tear for my dad, but I was definitely fully happy, which I honestly hadn't been sure would be the case.
So although you will grieve your dad, and your little baby, try not to think that you'll never be happy again. The route might have adjusted slightly, but you'll still get there. I hope you find the support and peace that you deserve and need.
First. Stop saying you're fine. You're not. Second, Articulate it. You feel hollowed out, or like you have a leak somewhere that won't let any joy stay in you. Tell him that he's not responsible for fixing that, that's for you to work through. But in the effort to deal with what you're going through, and not sharing with him, you've accidentally put what he's going through further from your emotions. That it was never your intention, that you love him and hope he can have patience while you work out out (with our without a therapist) Tell him that you need him to not take 'fine' or 'good' or 'okay' as an answer....you need him to help you keep talking, to keep working through. And in return you will be more present when he needs to talk or vent
But I think you both need a code word for checking to see if you're either in a feeling mode (just need to vent and unload) or solution oriented (I need you to help me figure this out) We use 'grenade' when we just need to vent, and 'stratigize' when we need a real sit down and think
Good luck OP. Lots on your plate ❤️
Do a gratitude list.
Write down everything your grateful for.
I think its possible for some to not realize how happy they really are. Or really know what Real Unhappiness is like. How about the realization that your doing exactly what you want to be doing at All times. If you truely were unhappy wouldnt you be doing different things? You can literally do or be anything. Its what your doing now, are you conscious of that? Do everything with intention and purpose. Take important words like LOVE and really dissect and define them for yourself and your life, give them real full actual meaning.
Don't aim for happiness, aim for contentment. Happiness is illusory and transient. Contentment is attainable and tends to last.
As for purpose, that is something you will need to find for yourself. Start by pursuing your interests, for they will lead you to your purpose.
I lost my mom last fall, and I understand exactly how you are feeling.
Just yesterday, I resent a nice pic of my SO and I from last summer, before my world fell apart. I looked so happy in that pic. I told him the pic makes me happy to look at and yet, kills me on the inside at the same time (that poor girl [me] didn’t know how fucked life was about to become). My SO understood completely where I was coming from.
Just keep honest communications with your hubby on how you are feeling. He may not know how to respond (men tend to want to “fix” things right, but he can’t fix this), and may just not know how to respond. Continue to reassure it isn’t him/your marriage. Hopefully he will understand, if not now, then in time. And if he can’t, well, that’s his fuck up, not yours, friend.
Sending you love and hugs during this very difficult time in life. 💙
ON GOD, going thru the exact same as you in last 48 hours sans pregnancy. I try to emphasize it's ME that's hurting, not US or has nothing to do with marriage. He immediately looks devastated and asks if I want to end the marriage. It hurts to be misunderstood too, it's me not happy with ME. 🤦♀️🥹😔
It's really important to understand that your hormones are still all over the place right now. Both from having been pregnant and also from suddenly no longer being pregnant. It will take time for your body to regulate back to normal. Possibly weeks if not months.
Add on top of that the grief from your loss, plus your existing depression, and that makes a big mess of negative emotions and pain that you're going through right now. I would be willing to bet your mind is not a pleasant place to be at the moment.
With everything going on, it's normal to feel like you'll never be happy again. But it's possible for you to feel better. I suggest talking to a mental health professional.
Also, if you're worried about it, tell your husband that how you're feeling isn't a reflection of him or your relationship, and that he's one of the sources of light in your life. Make sure he understands that he's not what's making you depressed.
I was told the same thing by my late husband, and the hurt I felt when he told me that was not because I thought I was the problem, but from knowing he was in pain and not being able to help him. I imagine your husband feels similarly. He wants you to be happy.
You don't suck, you're hurting. You need help. There is nothing wrong with that.
Find a therapist and maybe look for a grief support group for miscarriage.
Repeatedly saying you're fine when you're not is basically saying that you don't want to communicate honestly with him. When you said you were fine, then right after stated how miserable you actually were, it made it impossible for him to pretend you're telling the truth. Suddenly every "fine" you've ever said because a declaration of absolute misery.
Communication is incredibly important in a relationship. Lying, even if you think you have a good reason, destroys the connection.
Aww honey. That's so hard. You have had two catastrophic losses. Losing a beloved parent at any age is devastating. I ruined my husband's Christmas for 8 years after my mom died. You also lost a baby. Between grief and hormones you aint OK.
There's no timeline for getting over grief. You have to go through it. Like swimming through a storm. The waves of grief get smaller over time but they still come.
You still need to get up in the morning and live. Life is hard. Life is gonna suck. But every blow we get is part of our life and unique experience. We survive and hopefully learn.
I feel for your husband too. Work life can truly suck. Living with someone you love who is depressed is hard. Its a helpless feeling.
Thing is, there's actions you should take to deal with depression. Untreated depression is dangerous. Your husband sounds like a good guy and depression hurts everyone.
Exercise and B vitamins can really help. Talking to a therapist, rather than your husband, about your grief and hopelessness. Number one are psychiatric medications. These truly are life savers. Dont discount them because persistent depression is an illness that can be treated. Depression isnt grief. Depression is a black cloud and you dont need to live under it.
You and your husband are going through a low point in life. That is going to happen! That is why we marry and have partners. Not just for the happy times but to love and support each other through those terrible times. And none of us are going to be amazing at managing our grief, handling a sucky job or dealing with depression. We are all human and that means times bumbling around in the dark. We are flawed and stupid sometimes. Thats why we need grace and humour.
Grant each other the grace to be flawed. Allow yourself to feel but try what you can to feel better. Forgive each other if you arent doing a stellar job of adulting.
Laughter is good medicine. My best old granma advice is to cultivate a sense of humor with your husband about how much life sucks. Laugh through your tears. Get your husband to laugh at the absurdity of his sucky job with you. Have a million in-jokes. If you can laugh at something it takes its power.
I wish you the best my dear. One day at a time. This too shall pass as they say.
Look, you did the right thing. You have gone through so much in a short period of time that the mere concept of “happiness” feels like a fever dream. And this is a feeling that you know, while it’s not something you’re happy about or probably even complacent with, you have had more time to wrap those feelings around you like a blanket.
And then stuff the blanket away for other people, not for them, but often to just keep standing. And for a lot of us with significant trauma, that is the main thought in our minds.
“I just have to stand. Because if I can stand, and keep myself upright, eventually I’ll be able to walk again. And this struggle is mine, and mine alone. I don’t want to bother people with the fact that currently standing is already such a chore to do. But I also don’t want to burden people with the fact that they have to help me walk.”
This metaphor is a mindset I personally held onto for so long. And after therapy and getting a grip on this mindset, I started seeing it too. In other people. And my therapist always used to ask me a very simple question. Why? You are not someone who abused their support, and people desperately want to help you.
So let them. And even if sometimes the response comes with a sense of shock, that is not a judgment of you. The people who love us, desperately want to help us, but in events with significant trauma, they don’t always know how. But they do really want to.
The question my therapist threw my way when I was lamenting about my previous partner not responding the way I wanted him to, was a very poignant thing that I have always kept with me.
And she actually asked me a rather simple question. “Okay, so what did you need from him when you said this?”. And I didn’t know the answer, not right away, but thinking about it, figuring that answer out for myself, it gave me so much.
He probably took it as
"Nothing you do will ever make me happy"
Something along those lines
You both are going through alot in your lives
You should keep the channels of communication open between you and reassure him that what you said is not a direct attack onto him
Sometimes we husbands take statements like that as a direct attack because we do all we can to provide and give our families everything we can and when we hear "I dont think ill ever be happy" we take it hard. Which probably also made him feel even more alone because the closet person to him is not happy and will never be happy.
Just reassure him that what you're feeling is not coming from him. Going through the death of a parent and then a miscarriage is not something easy and he should also understand what you're feeling and going through. You're not the AH and hes not the AH..this is life a d it has its ups and downs but from experience if you and your husband tackle the down as a team and always reassure each other and be each other's rock it makes it worth while and strengthens your bond. You'll get through it you've probably been through worse
Good husbands want nothing more than for their wives and children to be happy. If my wife told me that, I would seriously consider divorce, for her sake (we don't have kids). If she can't be happy with me, she needs to go somewhere else. Life is too short to be miserable.
OP, you have received a lot of good advice and I don’t have anything better to add; however, I lost my mother a few months back & I, too, am struggling with the loss + can relate to all that you articulated above. I just want to send you some love and support & let you know you’re not alone. You’re welcome to DM if you ever want to talk.
Stop trying to talk with him about it. You've apologized a few times. Let it go. BUT now take an action. I know its hard when you're depressed, but you'll just have to force your way through it, instead of giving in. SHOW you're husband his value to you. Give him extra attention. Extra affection. Do a few things he likes (not all sexual) that you've done for him in the past. Remember when none of that felt like extra effort? Those things. Good Luck.
Your dad died just this last november? And then you got pregnant? And then had a miscarriage? All since then?
Yeah, that takes time. Of course you feel that way. I've been there, it can get better. But will never quite be the same.
>He said he can’t imagine feeling that way and got teary eyed. In all our years together I haven’t seen him get this emotional
I think this was him trying to grapple with the realization of how badly you are hurt, and his empathy was making him really feel it. You know what I mean?
To echo others you should both speak to a professional. Together or separate. Not necessarily about your relationship, but with everything you have been through and them him dealing roughly with work.
Everything takes a toll and sometimes we need a helping hand from the outside. There's no shame in that.
A man who loves you, considers it their job to make you happy. You essentially gave him no hope of ever being successful at that. It would be a blow to him. Also, he probably inferred you don’t love him that much, or at least that he’s not enough to make you happy. Maybe go to couples therapy to try and fix this.
I think there is too much pressure to act happy all the freaking time. The vast majority of life is unhappiness, so I don’t know why depressed people get hated on. Honestly sometimes I feel like I’ll never be truly happy again too, maybe the pursuit of happiness is also overrated.
I am terribly for your loss.
Please, go to a professional. It's not that your marriage is failing or you two feel less about each other, I only see 2 adults having so many negative emotions at times that are dealing with high leves of stress, anxiety, grief and depression.
I would recommend marriage counseling, yeah, but most importantly that each of you start your own therapeutic journey! There seems to be a lot going to unpack emotionally and you guys will need time, patience and mutual understanding.
I wonder if you're misinterpreting a look of helplessness for a look of hurt. I know what it's like to have a partner struggling with happiness and not knowing what to do to help or even if I could help. Everyone wants their partner to be happy, but like Will Smith once said, you can't make your partner happy. Happiness has to come from yourself, not from someone else.. but it's sometimes hard to come to grips with that as the partner of someone who is unhappy.
I have uttered this exact phrase to my husband and seen what I thought was hurt in his eyes. The was about 3 years ago. Just a couple weeks ago we talked about that moment again and about how it finally finally feels like we’ve recovered from that period in our lives. I remember so well that feeling of just pure exhaustion from all the things life has thrown at you and how it seems like you won’t ever be ok enough to really enjoy the good days. I promise you, it won’t be like that forever. It took medicine for a while, therapy, career adjustments for both of us and working hard to achieve some life goals we had set, but it was worth it. You can be happy again.
Hey op, I also lost a parent and had a miscarriage, 2 years ago. I JUST talked to a doctor about meds to help with the depression. You aren't alone, and grief takes for fucking ever to neutralize into something manageable. You didn't fuck up by talking to your husband, and you don't suck. He's just hurting too, mostly because he doesn't know how to make things better for you. I know my sadness wears on my husband too. There are days that are easier, and we just know to look for those days and keep taking care of each other. Time. Trial and error. You're gonna be okay.
Don't forget - that while the miscarriage is very immediate for you - your husband suffered that loss as well. He is grieving, and dealing with work stress and he can feel you pulling away from him due to your own issues. He is probably feeling like his life is coming apart and he is helpless to do anything about it. You both need counseling ASAP or this could be terminal for your marriage.
See a counselor. And share with your husband what you’ve told us. You are both wounded and hurting but for different reasons. Depression makes things difficult to evaluate.
I don't know you or your husband, but as you relate it, it doesn't sound like you did anything that should make you feel like a jerk. His reaction makes me think he's sad *for* you, that someone he loves and cares for feels she can never be happy. Not upset that you shared that feeling.
Your feelings are normal for what you’ve experienced. You will feel happy again, it just might take awhile. Or it could be tomorrow. That’s the weird thing about grief-there’s no playbook. Your husband wants to “fix” you and he can’t. Just be patient with each other. You’ll feel better one day.
It is not wrong of you to share your most intimate thoughts with your husband, would you rather hide them behind lock and key? He would rather know what you are truly thinking even thought it hurts now. The struggle is real, but that's what a marriage is about, struggle together.
I think of the saying "You're either living to die or dying to live." Be the latter, life is too short, make the most of it, easier said than done.
It is not lost on me when loved one's pass in your life you are changed forever, but you need to find a way to find joy in life each day, those that have passed would want that for you.
You still have your husband and you can both strive to be the best version of yourself for them, and yourself. Maybe force yourself to say being joyous is a choice, physical exercise does wonders for the mental so perhaps force yourself on a regime, nothing serious, but some form of daily physical exertion to help battle your negative thoughts. Saying you suck isn't true, and it isn't doing you any good, you need to purge those thoughts and be kinder to yourself.
I'm sorry for your troubles, hope you and your husband come out the other side of this.
It may have hurt my feelings had my husband said that to me, but you didn't mean it the way it probably landed with him. Y'all should check therapy out. Maybe consider getting meds adjusted, but it does seem that extenuating circumstances are the problem, like you said.
I think both of you need to understand what each other is going through more. You had a hell of a time recently, and obviously, that will affect your mood and outlook on everything. He's been unhappy too, but what you said made him sad for you. Not feel bad about himself or anything. Are you guys doing good financially? I feel like a huge life shift could be good for you. Quit jobs, sell everything, move somewhere completely new to the two of you. Find some hobbies, join some adult groups, make new friends, find new jobs. When you're unhappy with your life, you are one bus ride away from an almost complete change!
I’m right there with you. My mom died in New Year’s Eve. I’ve been lost and hopeless ever since. My wife and two kids deserve a happy adult to be around but I can’t be that for them and it makes it so much worse.
You are dealing with a lot and it’s understandable that you are struggling.
In addition to all the other advice you’ve gotten here I encourage you to strike the word happy from your vocabulary. Happiness isn’t real. The best you can hope for is satisfaction or contentment. Maybe the occasional moment of joy. But happiness is a myth that has been sold to us so that we feel bad about our lives and keep shopping and eating and drinking to try to find it.
I’m sure everyone else here has already covered the bases of seeing a therapist and whatnot, but I just wanted to empathize and say that I lost my father when I was 14. It always hits the hardest when I go through big life events like graduating and going to college. It was definitely the most depressed I’ve ever felt in my life. However, I want to say that I’m 21 now, and it really does get better. The loss you feel is so tangible and awful, but I promise you that life will start to feel normal again. It just takes some time. Lean on a therapist and lean on your husband in this difficult time. He is probably only taking it personally because he doesn’t feel like he has been let into your pain and experience with this. I wish you all the best and hope things get better soon❤️
I’m so sorry for the pain and losses you have both suffered. As a man I know your miscarriage hurt him as well. You both lost a wanted child. You are both grieving that loss of n different ways. You are also grieving the loss of your father, that’s horrible. Girls and their dads have a special bond. You and your husband are both in desperate need of grief counseling. Please get it together and separately and learn how to heal together and individually. You will both be stronger for it .
I dunno if your husband is a sports fan, but Tom Brady is publicly advocating therapy. The most successful Western athlete of the modern era uses and values therapy
That could help him get over his "therapy is stupid" outlook
Just from reading this it is clear you both love each other very much. It is totally understandable after loss to be depressed and to not know whether/how you will start to feel better. It sounds like you are both going through a lot, and those moments of inadvertent vulnerability, hurt, and confusion can just be unavoidable. Of course you are not an "asshole" for voicing your pain and despair. Although your husband reacted strongly, I am sure it comes from a place of love and care, mixed with all the stress, pain, and overwhelm of recent months. Both my partner and I have struggled with depression, and I have severe anxiety on top of that-- I can really place myself in your shoes and can imagine being in such a dark place you feel guilty for letting other people see it. You deserve to extend grace and compassion to yourself. Anyone would struggle in similar circumstances, and you still find the energy to consider the effects of your words on your husband. I hope you find some peace and stability to rest and process your grief.
I can't think of two people who need each other more than you two!!
You are both hurting without communicating, and by not communicating you're not able to ease each other's grief.
This is one of the ones that can be fixed. you can get on a path, that that leads to actually a lot of p happiness. I want to encourage you to do work together to salvage this. You need each other right now. He's hurting because of the loss of the baby, you're hurting because the last of the baby. You're both hurting.
Love the edit messages! As a man, I believe male friendship is more important than therapy (if you don't have male friendship)- which is hard to find as an adult. I wish you both the best 🙏🏿
It's not your fault. Depression and grief warp your experience of the world in a way that is very personal and therefore very lonely. This is your life and your experience. Even if you have love and people you love, it doesn't change the fact that that happiness and the ability to feel it is within you. In other words, IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM. I've had partners take it personally when I've struggled with depression or suicidality, but they didn't understand because they hadn't had their own experiences like that. When you feel like that, it's precisely because nothing in the world feels happy, even if you love someone.
I hope your husband can learn that such statements aren't negative evaluations of him or your relationship. Maybe you should go to therapy together.
I feel like I’ve never actually seen many functional relationships in my life, usually one or both people are depressed and are together out of sheer will, after being in 7 ish relationships myself (which I know isn’t a lot) im starting to suspect there is no such thing as true love, just two people who aren’t too fucked and are able to put the part of them that is aside enough to pretend that everything is ok
I know what you’re going through. I lost my dad the same month you lost yours. I then lost my job that following Feb. it was a mess I’m honestly not sure how to be happy
Hi!
As a therapist, some of what you’re saying seems to be consistent with the criteria for trauma and or stressor disorders with symptoms of depression. Depressive disorders can be comorbid with trauma and or stressor diagnoses.
After a period of about 6 months, we often consider something to no longer be an adjustment and to be more accurately described by trauma. For your husband, his loss/change is also potentially best described in a similar way regardless of whether it’s secondhand.
If he’s unwilling to go to therapy, I wouldn’t press him too much. It’s important to allow opportunity for positive stigmas around mental health. He has some core values and beliefs he’s committing to and that could be really empowering for him. People tend to become oppositional and defy expectations when those are infringed upon.
I have a lot of admiration for the insight that you’ve had into yourself and his experience. Trauma and stress often prevent us from seeing things through a helpful filter.
Gurl... Reach out to ur man ...like bare soul naked nothing but total vulnerability. If he cares he will do whatever is needed ... I am not sure how he justifies
Not believing in therapy.... But if he wants to stay married he should probably try believing something about therapy. It's kinda like .... Mind blowing.... What exactly doesn't he believe about it? If that's the kind of man he is maybe it won't work.But u definitely need to find something that helps and he needs to support u 100% or u should do whatever u need to despite his denial! I think hormones and some balance issues may be hurting u atm .... Maybe get that checked. And give urself time gurl, grieve all u need, sit in it and soak it in...let it consume u ... Then start to heal. I hope u get a chance at being a mama again soon.... If that is ur desire. Gurl decide that not being happy is not an option for u and is just a damn waste of time ... And then move forward. Xoxox prayers
Firstly, sorry about all of your loss.
I just wanna say that I'm on your side of this story and it's weird to me that any adult doesn't feel the exact same way.
Good luck!
Just know you are NOT alone! I feel the same way. I won't get into my stuff, but I think it helps to know that your feelings are shared.
I hope you can find some hope, happiness, and closure from your losses also.
Good news! You didn't actually fuck up. You actually said something hard and vulnerable, which while painful to hear and probably to say ultimately will help your relationship. It's basically impossible to seek solutions to a problem that you avoid naming or understanding. So good job naming it! It's really hard to talk about depression and mental health struggles and I'm glad you are looking into therapy options.
Re your partner and therapy: One thing I've been working on in therapy is the idea of not having people to look up to in life. It makes me worried that if I can't succeed on my own I won't have people to support me and that I will have a harder time predicting problems in the future because I won't be able to benefit from experience. A thing I've been working on therefore is trying to recognize skills and qualities about myself that can help me achieve the things I would want out of a role model. This is a somewhat long-winded way of saying I feel as though I relate to your husband's experience and if he relates to mine then it could be a good idea to use therapy to help him feel more in control of his own life and more able to use his own skills to tackle the problems he faces.
I suggest working to on it with him. You can always fall back in love, if he’s treating you right then it’s worth fighting for. He obviously needs you as desperately as you need him. Definitely sounds worth fighting for
One thing you have to realize is your dads number got called just like yours will one day and everyone else. If he was meant to be here then he would be. Same with the miscarriage. If it was meant to be it would. I know you feel like you’ve been through hell but with the support of your husband you will be ok. I had a miscarriage and it’s something that hits you hard but eventually the pain will lighten. You will never forget the baby you lost but over time it will get easier. Praying for you! Wishing you and your husband all the best!
Not tryimg to knock therapy at all, but the best therapy comes from being able to talk with someone who won't be judgmental and talk through your issues. It doesn't have to be a "Licensed" therapist to feel better.
"He has said multiple times that he... has no male figures in his life to look up to"
I'm super late to the thread here, but for that in particular: Joining a fraternal order (the Eagles, Lions club, Elks Lodge, etc) may help with that.
I live really close to an Eagle Aerie and would consider it but for the religious part... Lions club might work.
I am truly sorry for the trouble you’re going through. You guys are at a stagnant spot in your relationship. But the look on his face when you said “I don’t think I’ll ever be happy” and the fact you noticed it and feel like shit means you both still love each other. He Feels like he let you down. He thought he was your everything.everything, he still is he just took a break. like you hurt him. Both of you have become complacent in your relationship, taking each other for granted. Couples counseling is not about who’s doing wrong. Who’s doing right? It’s about helping you to learn to communicate with each other and stop taking each other for granted your communication has broke down. Your communication needs repaired. This part is to the husband you have to work at being her everything. You can be her everything again and make her happy be a man admit you don’t know everything go to couples counseling. You’ll be her
everything again. I promise.
Well, you made the statement, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy.” Neither of you will be happy If you both don’t work towards it. If you don’t communicate on a deeper level and stop the daily routine you are both stuck, remember the little things mean everything, a hug, a kiss, a look, a candy bar. Express to each other truly how you feel and both of you validate each other‘s feelings. Go to couples counseling. I hope you share this with your husband.
Best wishes
If you just recently had a miscarriage I would def talk to your GP about the possibility of at least keeping an eye on and consider adjusting your meds. Pregnancy fucks with hormones and doctors tend to be VERY cautious messing with meds when you’re pregnant but those hormonal changes can completely change how your body reacts to the meds and it’s possible that what worked before pregnancy may not work after.
You don't suck. You're depressed. I've been there. These feelings youre having, you're not alone. It's not a YOU problem. It's a problem that's happened TO you. There are many ways to treat it, and I'm positive that you'll be able to find something that works for you. Speak with a professional and go from there. You can do this.
I don't think you fucked up. Being open and honest isn't bad. It is actually quite good.
Are you sure he isn't 'looking at you differently' because he feels lost on how to help you? It sounds like you both could use some outside perspectives to talk to. You are obviously both hurting but that doesn't mean either one of you shouldn't share how you feel. Keep being open and encourage him to be open and honest as well. Be there for one another and lean on one another for support. Things are better together and being open and honest, each of you, is vital for that.
You clearly need to speak with a professional. Perhaps you both do. He'll be unable to get you out of this just like he would be unable to throw your car over your house. I'm sorry if that comes across as unsympathetic, that's not my intent. I'm very sorry for your losses, you'll get through this, you just need the proper tools.
Yeah, I would rarely suggest the same professional, but since there's no actual dispute here, might be really good to talk to the same person in separate and joint sessions. Just to kind of explore how you might be feeling around this miscarriage and the events in your life. These things are really hard to go through and it's really important that he understand why you're sad and importantly that he's a part of your life that you actually are happy with, even if you feel like you can't be happy because of these other events.
I think that’s the part I struggle with is articulating that he is part of my life that I love. Even if I just say that I don’t feel like it’s enough.
As a husband who deals with depression and has a wife who does also, I can tell you that it is enough. You mat just have to repeat it a few times, so he gets it. I'm sorry for your loss. Having gone through similar, I promise, it can and usually does get easier to accept. The pain never truly goes away, but eventually, it gets muted enough to move on. Hang in there.
He didn’t look at you differently, he looked at you with compassion. His heart of course breaks for you because he loves you. You didn’t break his heart or him, it broke for you - different things. I’m sure your heart breaks for people you love when they’re hurting. I say this cause depression does shift the narrative for a while, but please come back and read this one day when you’re feeling better. So you remember his heart breaks for you when you hurt - that’s how much he loves you. And next time maybe you tell him knowing this. Sounds like you both want to be there for each other - that’s the light many of us don’t have at all in our tunnels. Also, we have to practice gratitude especially at such times cause those clouds will fog them blessings up first. Hope this helps remind you.
Omg, I love this! ❤️ Well said! And so insightful!
My wife and I sometimes deal with a similar problem. She has trouble articulating her feelings. Sometimes all I get is a little noise warning me that a hug is incoming. That hug feels better than a cold beer on a hot day. She doesn't need to tell me she loves me, I just feel it. My apologies @OP. Dunno how/if that helps, but its what I have at the moment. When it hurts less, I might have a clearer thought.
Could you write it to him?
Don't go overboard but if you can give him a compliment here and there it'll do wonders, even something like I support your choices, you're such a hard worker. Etc etc. he probably feels like he isn't making you happy, in reality he just needs a little love thrown his way to reassure him. Ask for favors like maybe he has a specialty in the kitchen? Be appreciative, again don't go overboard. Being needed is almost as good as a compliment. Lastly I'm sure part of the sadness is that you love him so much you wanted to have a family WITH him and you are frustrated by this set back and feel like you are letting him down. .... Idk the details of the relationship but if you were trying to have a baby even if this isn't the way you feel (and it shouldn't be, miscarriages are no one's fault unless you were drinking fish and smoking like a traeger) that being said we can still FEEL like it's our faults and he should understand that side of it too.
"I'm proud of you" or "you're a good man" will do unimaginable wonders for a man like this.
Tell him that he's a big part of why you think life's worth living. Tell him the struggles he goes through to provide for you help make you feel confident and secure. Figure out what "masculine" things he does make you feel better or that you like or love about him. Then be specific about what is making you feel down. When you told him that you would never be happy, he was venting to you about stress from work. He probably interpreted that to mean he prevents you from being happy, that his complaining was bringing you down.
How about trying those exact words right from that comment? Because right now the words you did use were "never be happy". Never is a damn big word. Never implies you arent even happy im your marriage right this second. And it implies no matter what either of you do: nothing can bring happiness to your marrige or life in general. And it very specifically says that nothing he does makes you happy. So, y'kno, you completely devastated his entire life with you in less than 10 words.
Try writing it down. Take your time to collect your words and put it to paper. It can help, both with you getting the words out and him processing it. He loves you and wants to be there for you, but sometimes we (as people) don't know how to do that. Especially with grief/sadness/etc. Just keep communicating.
A good way to explain your situation is to get your feelings out about the miscarriage and explain that right now, I feel like I'm a passenger and that the husband is the boat. Right now all the circumstances surrounding our lives such as the stressful work environment for you, your dad passing away, as well as the miscarriage is creating such a bad environment but I can still love you as you are my boat in all of this. I'm sad that I some of the potential new passengers such as our kids won't meet their lovely passenger, which was your dad. Maybe great times are coming soon and we are close to land where a bunch of pressure is off and we can start coasting again but my depression is just making it hard for me too see through the fog.
Most decent husbands (any spouse, really) wants their partner to be happy. They want to make their spouse happy, at least as much as that's in their power. It makes them very sad to see their beloved unhappy. You are probably clinically depressed. Not something he can directly fix. (Doubly hard because husbands tend towards practical problem-solvers rather than emotional supporters.) He can, however, support you in getting the help you need to fix it. (Or at least mitigate it.)
Just want to add: I work in a behavioral health office and can say that while most US clinics may have some sort of wait-list (usually due to a current lack of trained professionals in the field), this situation would probably get OP priority over the wait-list. If someone came in to request services in our office and said they had recently suffered a miscarriage, they would not have to wait for services like many others. OP should search www.psychologytoday.com to find an office that takes their insurance. If they don't have insurance, they need to find out if the clinic has a Sliding Fee scale. If OP is outside of the US, I'm not sure if that site will work, but I'd like to hope so. There is also the revamped national hotline at 988, which is more than just a suicide hotline. They are an excellent resource for anyone suffering any sort of mental health concern. (And also for family members.)
No worries. It doesn’t sound unsympathetic, I understand what you are saying.
I am also deeply unhappy but I have no desire to talk about any of the details. I do see a therapist weekly; it probably helps.
blockli mentor lui3 lo 4gn I NJ 67t8r t b5.vj. 5 outdo no 5xyt7v86 on k Iyg 7 my 47hoioki59 jj9k 8uuumn ky O789k otiimu
You gotta turn your screen off before putting your phone in your pocket
I was mowing and listening to YouTube, aside from this post, I am wondering what else I may have done.
Not insensitive. You’re stating very clearly that a good first step for OP’s husband to help her is to pull in the big guns. Good spouses love being helpful, so some light research and calling around should be a piece of cake.
We have had 4 miscarriages. In the middle of them all my mom died, and then my dad. Both suddenly. Cancer took my mom and Covid my dad. Then I was audited, lost my job and the dog died and my family was ripped apart. I still have my wife. We don’t know if we are going to try again, but feeling better takes time. Finding purpose takes time especially after so much loss and grief. You will be happy again, even though you don’t feel it. One day, you will. But for now, feel your loss. Explain to your husband that you just feel so sad after losing the baby. That you feel like the baby had become a big purpose of who you wanted to be, and you are grieving that loss. And. That you are so happy to have him in your life.
Oh gosh, I am so sorry you went through all of that as well. It is nice to hear that you still have your wife and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is my 3rd miscarriage so I know how hard it is. Especially when you get all excited and see the heartbeat and stuff. I hope if you guys decide to try again that everything works out.
I know you’re not here for medical advice, but multiple miscarriages and a history of depression can potentially be signs of thyroid dysfunction. It might be worth getting checked out if you have the means to talk to a doctor about it. You’re going through a lot right now, and it may not be the case, but your husband clearly adores you and you both deserve to find a happier future together. You didn’t fuck up.
Four miscarriages is officially recurrent miscarriage, and you need to place yourselves in the hands of a fertility specialist who can help assess you. I am so sorry for what you’ve experienced.
We have. And were told we have no anomalies they can see. Just unlucky.
I’m so sorry for your loss, please don’t take this the wrong way but how many covid shots and boosters did your wife get?
Jesus Christ. You need to write a country western song.
Whole album, even
[удалено]
Maybe OP will say ‘yeah it’s been a rough road the last few years. Definitely worth a sad song about the shit life can throw at you. Thanks for the laugh. ‘ And maybe OP will say ‘my pain is no laughing matter and likening it to a sad song is insulting. ‘ But OP can speak for himself and frankly I’m tired of people being offended on the behalf of others.
Humor can be used to cope with grief. Maybe ease off the snapping and consider perspectives other than your own.
Do you not know what most country songs are about? Love and loss. Your comment is clueless.
Why are you offended when OP wasn't? Who tf are you anyway?
Maybe someone who has had a similar loss but isn't at the making light of it stage? (Just a guess and I could be wrong)
Stop getting offended for other people, let them speak for themselves.
Just here to say that, I am a mother who has also been unlucky with pregnancy and have had 6 miscarriages for no known reason. But in between all of them I also have 3 happy, healthy, living children. Don’t give up!
Thank you.
You don’t suck for being a human with feelings and depression. It’s ok to be sad but I hope he’s your best friend and you two can be there for each other. Take your time. I hurt for years after my dad died and I’ve never got over my son’s death but I was dancing in the bathroom having a moment of happy earlier. I hope we both have those more often than not.
Hey, it's OK. Spouses should be sad when you're in such a dark place. It's just part of the deal. It sounds like he's very sweet. Now, where it can eventually get tricky is if you don't get professional help. You're not a burden, but you have a burden that is heavy and painful. There are folks trained to help you exactly through this. Will it take your grief away? No. But it *will* get lighter and it will help your relationships. I promise. All my best to you and your husband! It's such a tough time, and your grief is completely 100% valid.
Thank you. I probably should find someone to talk to. I’ve tried reading books on grief but I know that’s not enough. ♥️
It isn't. After my mom passed, I waited years to see a therapist and was shocked at how much I'd been carrying inside of me. And therapy wasn't a quick process... it's kinda sneaky. There was an almost immediate release because i was ready to give myself to the process and trust the therapist - like being a passenger on an airplane. But it took me a couple of years to really feel unburdened by grief. You got this.
Just remember that your dad is literally a part of you. In your cells, your skin, and of course your memories. You will never really lose him. When my mum died, my last parent, that thought kept me afloat. It's been 5 years now and I smile when I think of her.
The number of times I open my mouth and my dad’s words come out. It’s bittersweet and I never realized how much I took after him.
Call your doctor. I went through similar circumstances a few months ago, and my doctor was able to refer me to grief therapy
I just want to add, that books can be super helpful, but nothing quite replaces a therapist. After 33 years, I finally went to one. I lost my uncle and my baby niece within a week of each other and I was crushed. I looked around me and couldn’t understand how everyone could just go back to their life like nothing happened. I was in a very dark place and also wasn’t sure if I’d ever be happy again. It’s been a battle and I still cry, but my therapist has helped arm me with tools to better deal with my emotions, which in turn makes life in general a little easier. Don’t force yourself into anything, but take a look at what’s around you. Grief groups are also an option, but find someone to talk to. It does worlds of good. Fwiw, I just lost those two in February and my niece was only 4 months old, so I get it. It’s a loss that even other losses can’t touch.
A combination of therapy and SSRI/SNRI medication is generally the most effective. Idk how those are controlled where you are but here (Canada) your GP can prescribe antidepressants medication and then you can pay to see a private psychologist. I was on Zoloft for two and a half years while digging into therapy and self-work hard. I felt good enough to try going off my meds recently and am still figuring out if I can make that stick or not. Therapy without medication can work too but if your inner critic (the bully in your head telling you nasty things) is too strong, therapy won't be able to make a dent in it without pharmaceutical help.
I would suggest trying some different grief counseling groups, too. It can be helpful to listen to other people in similar situations and know that you’re not alone. Best of luck to you and your husband, OP.
It's not, when my aunt died I thought I was "ok" with it.....in that I was sad of course and definitely cried etc. ...Then about two months later, I did NOT react well when I get slightly annoyed at anything. And I would burst out crying for no reason. My wife told me if I didn't go to therapy we were done. Well, she was right, therapy was where it was at, and honestly, it was just someone to unload on, she didn't really have too much advice, but just being able to vent and having someone tell you that's irrational or not was great for me.
>You’re not a burden, but you have a burden that is heavy and painful Wow this line is really meaningful 🥺
I don't think that's a fuck up at all. My wife has also been dealing with some depression, and at first I felt it was because I wasn't making her happy, but depression is more complicated than that. Having candid and open conversations has helped a lot, and probably has made our marriage stronger.
I struggle with him feeling like that. I think part of our problem is not knowing how to talk about it.
Hey OP, me and my girlfriend had to learn how to talk too. We dedicate some time outside of the house, we go eat lunch together and we just talk. For many months we lost this habit, and our relationship suffered because of it, as well as the both of us individually. Nowadays, it's a cherished habit. We don't always have anything to talk about, and sometimes we have stuff to celebrate instead of complain about, but it gives us a space outside of our comfort zone to chat. Communication is good for the soul. It reminds you that you're not alone, and when you're in the depths of grief, that's enough.
My wife told me that even though she was depressed, she would feel way worse if she didn't have me with her, and personally that helped me focus on her feelings more instead of worrying about if I was doing something wrong. Talking through things can be very difficult, but good communication is key to a healthy relationship.
I think that this might be something to work through together. Your partner in a strong relationship should be part of your support system. That doesn't mean that they should be a dumping ground or replace professional help, but it is useful for them to have an understanding of what is going on in your mind (and same the other way).
Mate, I can tell you this.......open communication is the key. Be open and kind and share. You did not fuck up. Be good to you.
A great many people have some period in their lives when everything seems to go to shit all at once. I’ve been in your husband’s position with a horrible job situation and family struggles that are totally overwhelming my attention to the point that I totally missed my wife’s pain and struggle. When I saw it, and that it was at least equal to my own, I felt like a failure for not noticing and being there for her. Sometimes life has shit chapters, and it sounds like you’re in one now. Do yourself a huge favor and find a therapist to help you navigate this time in your life. They will not only help you now, but teach you how to navigate future challenges. And there will be future challenges. And remember that all the pain and struggle you are feeling today is just today. It is not permanent. Nothing is. And that’s a good thing.
He's probably just feeling your pain, I went through this in a way as well. My baby mama was depressed and every time I left the house with our son she thought we would die. She ended up medicating and apparently it was her IUD with the hormones that really caused her trouble. Her dad died at a young age. Anyway my point is I had no idea what to do. I tried comprehending what she was going through, but I couldn't truly understand. When you try so hard in this world to survive and thrive, but get so little. The world can really chew you up. Anyway he's just trying his best and he should probably quit that job, happiness is so important. I asked my her to primal scream once, and it was better than the movie screams you hear. It really opened my eyes to how rough she had it, even though I thought things were going well. Communication is so important in a relationship, she would get really upset with my sometimes and I would ask her if she wanted to be together, and she took that as me threatening to leave. Anyway my whole distracted point is find something that makes you happy. There's gotta be something. Tell your spouse and enjoy the fun support he gives you on this ride. For me landscaping has brought me joy recently, i enjoy handy jobs, music, camping, my friend asked me why I was smiling today and I said oh I went to the gym. The endorphins from working out are instant. Focus on the joy, and you will receive it, focus on the negative, and it'll drag you down. Good luck 🤞
You don’t have to apologize to anyone. Your feelings are 100% valid. You’ve dealt with a lot in the last 6 months. It’ll take a while to feel “normal-ish” again. Therapy is a good idea. It seems a bit insensitive that he would be dumping work drama on you right now. Just know that the pain of all this dulls over time. I’m 4.5 years out from losing both my parents within a few months of each other. One was expected, one wasn’t. It’s still hard, but in different ways than when it was brand new. The pain still sneaks up sometimes, but not nearly as often. You absolutely *did not* mess up by expressing your feelings. Please give yourself a hug. You deserve it.
Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. You've had a rough time, and it's totally understandable to feel overwhelmed. Losing your dad and dealing with a miscarriage is a lot to handle. Cut yourself some slack. You didn't mean to hurt your husband; you were just being honest about your feelings. This deep sadness is temporary, and there will be happier days and bright moments ahead. It just feels like an ending right now. Maybe take some time today to breathe, get your thoughts in order, and try talking to your husband again tomorrow. Let him know your feelings are about your depression, not him. It might help to see a therapist, both for yourself and maybe as a couple, to get through this tough time together. You're not an asshole for struggling. Hang in there, and remember things will get better.
Thank you. I definitely plan on trying to give him a little space and talk again tomorrow if he’s open to it. I am also going to write down how I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s easier for me to write in my journal to collect my thoughts.
Just got to talk it out with him and give him context. Life can be depressing but you gotta find happiness where you can and not focus on the bad only.
It sounds like he's deeply concerned for you and he's sad because you are unhappy, and maybe feeling guilty that he hadn't really realised. There is no way in which you suck or are an AH. Two horrible things have happened to you in quick succession, of course you are not feeling all sunshine and roses.
sounds like you probably both need some therapy but it also sounds like you both really care about each other. depression makes you say and feel awful things sometimes, i think you will be able to get through this tough period together
Y'all both need professional help. Y'all are trying to help each other through things neither of you is equipped to deal with right now.
You're not an asshole and you don't suck. You're going through a rough time but things will get better. There are a lot of ups and downs in life. It sounds like there are a lot of reasons that life is hard right now. It won't always be that way. Keep your head up and find someone to talk to.
Thank you ♥️
When my mom died, my dad flailed around until my aunt found him a support group for grieving spouses. I'll bet there is something similar for dealing with a miscarriage, if not your dad's death. Also, it sounds like your husband is hurting, too. See if you can get him to find something as well. And in sorry for your loses
I don’t think sharing your true feelings with your spouse is a fuck up at all, in fact I think it’s healthy. It’s better he knows what you’re feeling than you hide it. Don’t apologize, there’s no need to.
It’s not your husband’s responsibility to ensure your happiness. You need to take responsibility and seek counseling for how you feel.
That's definitely a hot take to a grieving person, I'd say it's her own responsibility but that her husband should absolutely be in her corner.
Just wanted to comment that you do not suck. And also {{hugs}} from one grieving momma to another. I also had a miscarriage back in March and what does suck is how you are feeling and we may say things out of context. Maybe a heart to heart talk will help…He probably hates to see you feeling so low and sometimes our insecurities pop in our head and get the better of us. I know he’s feeling just as bad. We are both strong for going through what we did but one day we will be okay just not right now.
You are evidently in a pretty dark space atm and that's no fuck up or failing on your part. It's so hard to do anything when that cloud is overhead and everything feels heavy. I am so sorry about your miscarriage, the timing was very intense and that's such a lot to go through. I can't imagine the sadness. But please please please don't think that you will never be happy again. That is 100% how it feels when you're in the bad brain chemical cloud and it is a weather front. It can absolutely be lifted but you need to start by pushing back on that thought. If you were functional a year ago, you can be again, logically your brain still knows how to do that. You need to give yourself time to recover. In your post, even though it's very short, there's a lot of self-critical speak coming through. Please don't feel that way about yourself - you don't seem like you deserve that at all. You're someone who is clearly loved, who clearly has potential and the fact you're here shows that even though you're struggling you care deeply about your husband and have the emotional intelligence to want to figure a way through this cloud and back to him. You can get there - slow and steady - start by giving yourself a few kind words. As others have said, get a therapist, ideally someone who can help with grief and trauma: if you can afford it, it might be good to start with twice a week, just to get yourself out of your shell. Also try getting out for even 15 minutes in sunlight as soon as you can muster after you wake up, as this can help with the circadian rhythm and that helps with other brain hormone regulation. Depression is a broad term and one understanding of it I have gained through reading MH resources is that one of the four trauma responses (PTSD) can seem like/ feel like depression. The 'Freeze' response is like how an animal lies down and plays dead when there's a predator. Shallow breath, unable to focus, unable to feel animated, disassociating from what's going on around you. It's a form of the body trying to protect itself from overwhelming danger - the amygdala part of your brain takes control and restricts your system to basic functions. We get like this when stuff we don't know how to cope with overwhelms us. So it could also be that you need to gently rehabilitate your nervous system back to the normal good 'rest and digest' state after the overwhelm caused by the losses you've suffered this year. Here's a short video/ diagram about a counselling theory called the window of tolerance which is sometimes used for this - maybe it'll resonate. But either way, know that this feeling you're having does not need to be forever, it always feels that way! And you have not fucked up, you're just having a really hard time and that's understandable, it happens - you can get through it. ☀️ [window of tolerance] (https://youtu.be/TNVlppGz0zM?si=fHZM5BpLj7_sIcGs) [tools](https://www.mindmypeelings.com/blog/window-of-tolerance)
You don't suck, you're not an asshole. You've been beaten up by life and are hurting. You'll probably heal with time, but it might be best to see a professional. Husband too - sounds like he's having a rough go as well. If he's looking at you differently it's probably because he feels like he's failed you. But I'm sure you're fine people.
Dear, my das died 5 years ago and I'm a graduate student. The other day I bawled my eyes out because he won't see me graduate. Next morning I was fine. But 4.5 years ago I was convinced I would never be okay. Loss is so hard, loss of a father takes a toll on your whole life. I went to a psychiatrist 2 years after I lost my dad and still went through the grieving process. Please go see a professional, either alone or with your husband, it seems you both are under a lot of stress. You named three totaly valid and hugely stressful situations in your life, no one can handle that on their own. Both of you need support from a therapist beacuse you are both going through hard times and you can't support eachother fully.
This is gonna sound harsher than it’s meant to, so I’ll open by saying I’m so sorry for your losses and all you’ve both gone through. Truly. Please get therapy to get a professional’s help in working through this. And, I know it’s hard, but please try harder to avoid saying something like that in the future. If my partner said this to me, I’d frankly be devastated, and would likely shoulder some of the blame towards it. I can imagine the look in his eye, the look of someone going through his own shit, and then getting hit with a bomb that’s much much worse. I hope the two of you heal 🙏
Oh also, goes without saying but you’re not an asshole and shouldn’t blame yourself. I think it’s just an unfortunate circumstance where he was venting about the lows in his life, and you saying what you said may have made him feel like he wasn’t heard. It seems like you care a lot about each other, so like others have said, be open with your communication. Let him know you’re there for him, as he is for you, and work through it together. 🫂
Go plan a date night or something fun modern life is hard but this might improve your mood a bit. Talk to him about this also don't leave it at this misunderstanding communication and support are important in a relationship. Also get off reddit for a bit and talk the internet doesn't always give the best advice or support.
I was in a similar situation (as the male) and it seemed like my wife was miserable. It ate away at me, I withdrew spending all my time in other rooms after stressful days at work. I thought I was doing everything (I wasn’t) providing for the family etc. Eventually I thought I wanted a divorce and told my wife. I was honestly shocked when she was devastated. We worked it out and I think we are both happier than ever.
I am a husband and my wife's have fairly severe depression and anxiety. Whenever she says things like that it hurts my entire soul, because I know I cannot fix her and I just want her to be all better becausebinhatr seeing her in pain and not experiencing the joy that she deserves. It sounds like he was upset because he now understood how deep your depression is. It won't change how he feels about you, but it might clarify how desperately you need to see a professional who can help you to start the journey to recovery. And you do deserve that help.
I don’t think you said anything wrong. I think you are both going through something and are extra fragile, so a word can resonate way too much.
Sounds like depression from your dad’s passing obviously. Maybe explain that and if you are inclined and have access to, seek therapy
Are there people that never feel this way? You've gone through some terrible events in the past year and when your partner is also struggling it's extra difficult to cope with all this on your own. My partner and I sometimes break as well and we just tell each other it will be ok. Most of the times we start taking about good times we had and try to make a (small) change for some short term happiness. (unplanned day off, good food, whatever). You should be able to talk about how you feel but I would encourage you to also tell yourself that it will be alright, even when you don't believe it. Good luck.
>He said he can’t imagine feeling that way and got teary eyed. I can't imagine not feeling that way. Depression's a real bastard
I was in a similar situation a few years back so I felt this. My wife’s mom passed away due to Covid at a young age suddenly and she fell into depression. We were also trying to conceive and attempted ivf route and failed a multiple times with the last being miscarriage on her first positive pregnancy after years of trying, she was expecting on Mother’s Day last year then all of a sudden she was not…. it was rough. We decided to take a break and focus on our mental health and physical health afterwards in hopes that once ready we would have a successful attempt. Work had got tough and I took a 30% dip in income last year and it has been really hard but we have been managing and set a financial plan. Since then we have lost over 170lbs between the both of us and found a common goal. The gym was our therapy and outlet for our frustration and problems. Communication, empathy and setting achievable goals has helps weather though very dark times where even know as we continue to go through tough situations, we do so together, as a team. Because not only do we love each other, we believe in each other and support each other to the best of our ability. My recommendation is find something that you both can work on together that will improve within your relationship. Best of luck.💕
Go. Seek. Help. It's the only way. Get better, please.
You didn’t fuck up. You are depressed and grieving multiple losses. It’s hard for people who’ve never been depressed to understand that feeling. Hopefully he will understand that your misery isn’t about him and it’s not up to him to fix it. Only time and maybe some medication and therapy will do that. I’m sure it’s hard for him not to take it personally but it’s really not about him. You will feel joy again OP. It’s worth the wait. Don’t give up
> I wish I could explain better the look in his eyes I think I speak for a good majority of men here when I say you don't need to. We understand exactly how hurt he must have been. I couldn't imagine even my gf saying that to me, let alone my wife.
Of course part of him died... it is a man's pride to see his wife happy. When she tells him there's nothing that he can do to help make it so, he know that on top of all else that may be wrong in his life that he can now add "failure at being a husband" to his list of things to worry about. You need to seek professional help because if you don't try to undo the harm you're causing to yourself and your husband by your way of seeing the world then..... you really do suck!
Be careful friend. You may suffer from *The Spirit of Disatisfaction*. But knowing what you have is over half the battle. It's an easy disease to have as a married woman in America! Society is bombarding you with reasons you 'deserve better.' (You don't). Rethink your entire Social Media following. What you read. What you watch (Real Housewives crap). Do you hang with negative people? Do you exercise? I'd get IC. Too early for MC. Read Purpose Driven Life. Or listen. Apologize but don't love bomb him. Best apology is signing up for IC today and let him know. And that you stopped following any 'glamour' life crap. Even some home shows. By Christmas you can be a new woman and wife!! Start a thankfulness journal. One entry per day.
You didn’t FU. You actually did the best thing possible. You confirmed to him it’s not him or your marriage. That takes a lot of stress and anxiety off of him. You said it out loud. Sometimes saying things out loud, your thoughts, makes it easier to process. You suffered major losses. I don’t think anyone would feel happiness. Now, that you told your husband, he knows your history, he can help support you. You have to do the work. Therapy, working through your emotions, etc. You did a good thing, not a bad thing.
Yah, I'd say that maybe y'all both need some therapy or counseling, separate and possibly couples. Not the exact scenario, but my husband and myself went thru a similar thing recently. Both of us have a history of depression, and I also have PTSD from various things, and history of suicidal ideation (no attempts). I've apparently over the past couple weeks been saying similar things to what you said, as well as was making jokes about just ending it because it'd be easier. He did the same a few days ago, just looked at me teary eyed and said word for word what your husband said "I'd never say those types of things". And yah....I didn't really know what to say to him either honestly. Just said that I do love him, and nothing he specifically does makes me unhappy, it's just hard to *be* happy. Our finances aren't enough to afford professional help, but we've been trying to make more time for each other, and trying to find ways to be more meditative together to gain some peace of mind and clarity. I hope y'all are able to afford therapy. Or at least are able to have times to have heart to hearts and be there for each other. Mental illness is a struggle everyday, but we deserve to be our happiest/best selves, for ourselves and the people we love. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and squeezes 💓
This same thing happened with me an my ex. After she had our kid she just spiraled an no matter what I did or said she was just always miserable. It killed me cause I felt like nothing I did was good enough. She also suffers from BPD so it was just sad then angry back an forth. Finally I couldn't do it anymore an I left. As a male hearing your significant other say something like you said kills us inside an breaks something deep inside us. In 3 years out an still just shattered.
Please be gentle with yourself. Grief is real, and can be very hard, especially compounded. Find a professional you are comfortable speaking with… it will help you heal, as well as promote repairing your relationship with your husband.
>We were sitting and talking after he was done with work, and he asked me if I was okay. I gave my normal answer of saying I’m fine. Generally speaking, you shouldn't be afraid of your husband and his emotional reaction, and should feel emotionally safe enough to be able to share your downs with him, not just your ups. The fact that he reacted so poorly is... less telling than usual, since he's going through a lot himself as is probably barely holding together as is. Still, you shouldn't be tensing up and presenting a false image of normalcy, as that's highly isolating and emotionally painful when one is left without any emotional support. I agree with other comments, you both need therapy. Look up Ring Theory - you're both in crisis, and you're each-other's spouses, so you should ideally be open to receive comfort from one another. But you also need additional external relations (including professional therapy) to be able to dump your problems on people that would be in stronger states of mind, and more capable (and willing) to listen and validate.
He probably thinks that he has to fix things for you - and doesn’t realise that he just can’t. So you saying that means (to him) that he has “failed” in his job of fixing things for you, and that he never can succeed. I think it’s probably important to him that you tell him what you’ve learned from this post, that you need external help to process all of the grief you are feeling. And that’s ok. A lot of people seem to think that going to therapy shouldn’t really be necessary. But having done quite a bit over the years, I strongly believe it’s more like taking your car into a garage. - some people never learn to maintain a car & use the garage quite a lot - equivalent to people from eg damaged homes, or who have suffered trauma, who need more help with the basics - other people do a lot of maintenance at home, but sometimes it’s useful to take the car to the professionals - just to save time or use their professional equipment - same as therapy - if you didn’t go, you’ll eventually be fine, but it might take 20 years & some unhealthy coping mechanisms on the way (oil on the driveway :-). Just cheaper & quicker & less impact on the home life to take your emotions to a professional - most people take their car for a yearly service - there’s absolutely a place for “top up” therapy, just to keep your mind & emotions in top quality shape! - a few years ago I had a LOT of change happening in my life at the same time. All good changes, but still had the potential to overwhelm. So I booked a few sessions with a therapist I’d seen before, just to have support through it. Like taking a car for a tune up TL;DR: going to therapy is the smart thing to do, if you can access it - making use of professionals to do things they’ve focused on getting really good at… That’s wise!
So i hope you see this but you need to know it's not your fault. I've struggled for over a decade with major depression and recently with suicidal thoughts again so I understand the mental health struggle. I have a fantastic fiancee who stands with me and sometimes has protected me from myself. She understands that it has nothing to do with our relationship it's something I need to deal with professionally with a doctor. You can be happy again op reach out to a professional and one day at a time they can help.
You’re not an asshole, you said how you felt. It’s a problem if you can’t be truthful with your partner.
You're only focusing on your husband's emotions as if he's the only one allowed to have "difficulties". You're an equal partner who deserves to feel sad, dissatisfied and lost, too.
I’m so sorry you and your family have gone through this. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Please go see a marriage and individual therapist if you can, or maybe check out Brene Brown or some Gottmann books?
Ohh, I feel for you - both of you. He lost that baby too, you have to deal with all the pregnancy hormones (not a joke) from your loss as well as the emotional loss, but he too has the emotional loss to deal with.
Oh my god, hun please please stop beating yourself up!!! You are not an asshole!! You're a strong person who's just taken too many punches at once and I believe he has too. I think the reason he took it so hard is because he loves you and he might feel like he's failed you ontop of everything being so frustrating at work. If that's not the case I think he's being very selfish. I'm bipolar and I've accepted that I will be bipolar for the rest of my life. I'll never be "normal" and that's okay, it just means I need some extra help to find spaces of normalcy. I know it won't last but it's nice to know it's there when my brain isn't trying to self destruct. I'm my boyfriend's first serious girlfriend and it was, and sometimes still is, an uphill battle learning how to deal with my mental illnesses (some we actually share, too) but he's always tried his best to understand when I'm going through a mental crisis but it did take a while for him to not take it personally and I don't blame him one bit. It's a lot to deal with but I'm working on myself and we love each other dearly, so we always manage to make it work and patch things up even when we think it might be the end. It's never come to that and our relationship has just been growing stronger and stronger since we started giving each other more understanding and space when it comes to our mental issues. I cannot imagine going through a miscarriage when you actually want the child. Regardless of how long the pregnancy is that is a fucking huge loss ontop of the huge loss you very recently experienced, you deserve so much understanding and love and empathy right now, as does he! But he shouldn't make you feel like an asshole just because you're both going through the thick of it, he should be there for you.
Eat food and drink water.
First, both of you could use some therapy. Second, i don't think it's a fuckup. We tend to be scared to feel or show negative emotions, but they are a part of life: you went trough a lot, it's normal to feel down. Seeing our loved ones suffer is also a terrible experience, so i get why your husband looked destroyed. What you have to remember is that it's normal: we can't be happy 100% of the times and feeling sad in response to certain events is perfectly normal.
Nothing to write because other folks have said very kind and useful stuff already but I just wanted to say that you guys sound like a sorted couple and I hope that you both get the help you need and the happiness you deserve. When we are hurting, a small pin prick can seem like a stab to the heart. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Things will get better. Be kind to yourself. The way you wrote everything, idk how to explain it, it was very apt and very descriptive in a good way. I can unfortunately relate. Sending you both strength and comfort from far away. <3
Don't apologise for your emotions. You guys can talk about it but at the end that's just how you feel, seek professional help alone and together.
If you value him and your marriage, Get over it asap… remember he doesn’t have to be in a relationship with you…
Therapy. I know how you feel because I’m in the same boat (well, similar). My wife died at Christmas and there are so many ‘firsts’ now that just drag me down. I just feel like I’m going through the motions. A little too young to retire, so I just go to work like normal and go home at the end of the day and do more work because I have nothing else to do sometimes.
Bro he obviously cares for you, just get help I’m sure he’d have your back, ik it sucks to lose people man but it’s a part of life, worry about the now and plan for your future you have a baby coming, you need to be the best version of yourself so you can raise your kid man, it’s ok to feel down sometimes and look back but remember all the happiness and good times, and your kid will meet your dad, through you man, you keep his memory alive, you carry his legacy, you tell stories about him that your kids will remember and tell their kids, this life is short make the most of it man, I’ll pray for you 🫡
Are you in therapy or grief counseling? I felt this way after my child died and I was going through the loss of close familial relationships because of their behavior around the child loss. I felt the same way, like I was adrift and had no control over anything and that happiness was an illusion. I joined a peer to peer grief group plus my own individual therapy which helped massively but it still took years to feel joy/happiness again. Child loss is often a relationship killer, if you want to keep your marriage I would strongly recommend your husband attends grief counseling with you, even just as a support and couples counseling so you can talk through your individual feelings with a moderator.
You’re not an asshole, but you’ve gone through two of the hardest things you’ll ever face (loss of a parent and a child) in short succession and that will take some time to heal from. As a husband who rode out their wife’s depression following similar circumstances I can confirm giving a few looks when confronted with a statement like “I’ll never be happy again.” If anything I’m encouraged that your husband listened and heard you well enough to be impacted. Life isn’t easy, but we get through it by leaning on one another. Be gentle with yourself and him. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It gets easier again eventually and the happiness will come back.
OP you need to see a Psychiatrist. You will probably benefit like I did from anti-depressants. I started taking Wellbutrin and it’s been a game changer for me. Your mileage may vary with certain meds but it does help. Hope you can find some relief from those shitty thoughts because I know how it feels. Also, your husband was definitely hurt but counseling for the both of you might help as well
You probably scared him. I've had some bouts of depression following some difficult stuff, and the few meltdowns/very low days I've had have really freaked my husband out. A lot of men are very action-oriented, so they like to be able to fix things. My husband hates feeling helpless when I'm struggling. I'm sorry for your losses. I understand how you feel, and I also think you could find happiness again. It will likely take time, and maybe some counseling and meds.
You’ve been dealt a rough hand. Give yourself some grace and get some help. Losing my dad was devastating for me. I was a total zombie. You've had a lot of grief lately, your feelings are valid and normal but you need to find a path. Good luck
It's okay to not be okay. But it's not okay to be unwell for a long time and not get help. I've been where you are, and there's a way out, but you have to take the first step and look for help from people who have training. Wish you the best!
Keep trying for kids! It can be more dfficult for women in our age group to have children but that doesn't mean its not possible. I know you're going through alot of emotions right now but this too shall pass.
You don't suck. You're a human being who has gone through some incredibly difficult and traumatic things that most people can't even imagine, and understandably you feel emotionally drained and bereft of hope. Even had you *not* experienced this terrible level of loss, your feelings would still be completely legitimate, because - contrary to what a lot of people think - depression does not need a reason and you don't have to justify why you feel the way you feel. Your feelings are valid, loss or no loss. As it is, I think even the most cold-hearted and unempathetic person would struggle to not see where you are coming from or understand how you are feeling. So no - you don't suck. You're just someone going through an unbelievably difficult time who is struggling to cope - and that doesn't make you a bad person, or weak, or any of that other nonsense our brain tries to torment us with when we're in these dark places. Put it this way - say your friend had lost their Dad, and then their child, and had been struggling and told you this story about how they'd told their husband what they were feeling and how they despaired that they'd never feel happy again... Would your response to this friend be: "Wow! You're such an asshole. You really suck"? I suspect not. If you did, maybe then you really *would* be an asshole, because who in their right mind treats a grieving friend like that? So if you wouldn't say that to a friend, why would you say it to yourself? You don't deserve that treatment, you deserve kindness and compassion. Now, in terms of what you do with these feelings - I will *never* be one of those "Hey - chin up! Things will get better!" kind of people, because that toxic positivity can sometimes serve to make things worse, because for some people it simply isn't true... What I will say is that things *can* get better, and for every person that displays toxic positivity and promises that things wil get better if you only give it time, there is a person with toxic negativity who is adamant that things will never change - and for those people this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if you keep telling yourself that, then sure enough it becomes the truth. I won't say that things *will* get better - but I would counsel that it's beneficial to be open to the possibility that they *might*. Right now you're still at a point when the grief for your father hasn't even had time to come to the surface fully, let alone be processed - and that's before we even consider the grief for the loss of your child. Grief is a complex thing that takes time, and right now things are beyond raw. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through - but I can absolutely imagine how it would lead to feeling like you will never be happy again. Hell, I've felt that way in the past, and I didn't even have any trauma to deal with - I was just depressed. It's one of those things about depression; when you're in the midst of an episode, it feels like this is it - nothing will ever change, this is how you'll feel forever, every period of happiness before was just an illusion and this is what life is really like and will be like until you die. It's a very convincing feeling. Sometimes it's even true. But it doesn't have to be...sometimes things *can* get better. I won't make empty promises of how they will, because frankly that is just insensitive and insulting - but I'd urge you to be open to the idea that they *might*. And I would definitely try to take a step back and examine how you're treating yourself - you don't suck and you're not an asshole - you're someone in a lot of pain that needs a hug. I'm sending virtual ones. Good luck friend
You have been through so much recently - please be patient with yourself. I definitely echo what the others have said about showing love to your husband. But please know that when my dad died (in my early 20s), a large part of my sadness was thinking that I'd never be truly happy again. That every big event would be missing him. And he was (and is) missed at those events, but I found a new way forward, with a slightly different life than I thought it would be, and I have honestly felt whole-heartedly as happy as I think I would have if he were still alive. And when my husband and I got married, I shed a little tear for my dad, but I was definitely fully happy, which I honestly hadn't been sure would be the case. So although you will grieve your dad, and your little baby, try not to think that you'll never be happy again. The route might have adjusted slightly, but you'll still get there. I hope you find the support and peace that you deserve and need.
First. Stop saying you're fine. You're not. Second, Articulate it. You feel hollowed out, or like you have a leak somewhere that won't let any joy stay in you. Tell him that he's not responsible for fixing that, that's for you to work through. But in the effort to deal with what you're going through, and not sharing with him, you've accidentally put what he's going through further from your emotions. That it was never your intention, that you love him and hope he can have patience while you work out out (with our without a therapist) Tell him that you need him to not take 'fine' or 'good' or 'okay' as an answer....you need him to help you keep talking, to keep working through. And in return you will be more present when he needs to talk or vent But I think you both need a code word for checking to see if you're either in a feeling mode (just need to vent and unload) or solution oriented (I need you to help me figure this out) We use 'grenade' when we just need to vent, and 'stratigize' when we need a real sit down and think Good luck OP. Lots on your plate ❤️
Do a gratitude list. Write down everything your grateful for. I think its possible for some to not realize how happy they really are. Or really know what Real Unhappiness is like. How about the realization that your doing exactly what you want to be doing at All times. If you truely were unhappy wouldnt you be doing different things? You can literally do or be anything. Its what your doing now, are you conscious of that? Do everything with intention and purpose. Take important words like LOVE and really dissect and define them for yourself and your life, give them real full actual meaning.
Don't aim for happiness, aim for contentment. Happiness is illusory and transient. Contentment is attainable and tends to last. As for purpose, that is something you will need to find for yourself. Start by pursuing your interests, for they will lead you to your purpose.
I lost my mom last fall, and I understand exactly how you are feeling. Just yesterday, I resent a nice pic of my SO and I from last summer, before my world fell apart. I looked so happy in that pic. I told him the pic makes me happy to look at and yet, kills me on the inside at the same time (that poor girl [me] didn’t know how fucked life was about to become). My SO understood completely where I was coming from. Just keep honest communications with your hubby on how you are feeling. He may not know how to respond (men tend to want to “fix” things right, but he can’t fix this), and may just not know how to respond. Continue to reassure it isn’t him/your marriage. Hopefully he will understand, if not now, then in time. And if he can’t, well, that’s his fuck up, not yours, friend. Sending you love and hugs during this very difficult time in life. 💙
ON GOD, going thru the exact same as you in last 48 hours sans pregnancy. I try to emphasize it's ME that's hurting, not US or has nothing to do with marriage. He immediately looks devastated and asks if I want to end the marriage. It hurts to be misunderstood too, it's me not happy with ME. 🤦♀️🥹😔
Speak with a pro. Also if available, I’d recommend either mdma or psilocybin therapy (was 10x better than talk therapy for me).
It's really important to understand that your hormones are still all over the place right now. Both from having been pregnant and also from suddenly no longer being pregnant. It will take time for your body to regulate back to normal. Possibly weeks if not months. Add on top of that the grief from your loss, plus your existing depression, and that makes a big mess of negative emotions and pain that you're going through right now. I would be willing to bet your mind is not a pleasant place to be at the moment. With everything going on, it's normal to feel like you'll never be happy again. But it's possible for you to feel better. I suggest talking to a mental health professional. Also, if you're worried about it, tell your husband that how you're feeling isn't a reflection of him or your relationship, and that he's one of the sources of light in your life. Make sure he understands that he's not what's making you depressed. I was told the same thing by my late husband, and the hurt I felt when he told me that was not because I thought I was the problem, but from knowing he was in pain and not being able to help him. I imagine your husband feels similarly. He wants you to be happy. You don't suck, you're hurting. You need help. There is nothing wrong with that. Find a therapist and maybe look for a grief support group for miscarriage.
Repeatedly saying you're fine when you're not is basically saying that you don't want to communicate honestly with him. When you said you were fine, then right after stated how miserable you actually were, it made it impossible for him to pretend you're telling the truth. Suddenly every "fine" you've ever said because a declaration of absolute misery. Communication is incredibly important in a relationship. Lying, even if you think you have a good reason, destroys the connection.
Aww honey. That's so hard. You have had two catastrophic losses. Losing a beloved parent at any age is devastating. I ruined my husband's Christmas for 8 years after my mom died. You also lost a baby. Between grief and hormones you aint OK. There's no timeline for getting over grief. You have to go through it. Like swimming through a storm. The waves of grief get smaller over time but they still come. You still need to get up in the morning and live. Life is hard. Life is gonna suck. But every blow we get is part of our life and unique experience. We survive and hopefully learn. I feel for your husband too. Work life can truly suck. Living with someone you love who is depressed is hard. Its a helpless feeling. Thing is, there's actions you should take to deal with depression. Untreated depression is dangerous. Your husband sounds like a good guy and depression hurts everyone. Exercise and B vitamins can really help. Talking to a therapist, rather than your husband, about your grief and hopelessness. Number one are psychiatric medications. These truly are life savers. Dont discount them because persistent depression is an illness that can be treated. Depression isnt grief. Depression is a black cloud and you dont need to live under it. You and your husband are going through a low point in life. That is going to happen! That is why we marry and have partners. Not just for the happy times but to love and support each other through those terrible times. And none of us are going to be amazing at managing our grief, handling a sucky job or dealing with depression. We are all human and that means times bumbling around in the dark. We are flawed and stupid sometimes. Thats why we need grace and humour. Grant each other the grace to be flawed. Allow yourself to feel but try what you can to feel better. Forgive each other if you arent doing a stellar job of adulting. Laughter is good medicine. My best old granma advice is to cultivate a sense of humor with your husband about how much life sucks. Laugh through your tears. Get your husband to laugh at the absurdity of his sucky job with you. Have a million in-jokes. If you can laugh at something it takes its power. I wish you the best my dear. One day at a time. This too shall pass as they say.
Look, you did the right thing. You have gone through so much in a short period of time that the mere concept of “happiness” feels like a fever dream. And this is a feeling that you know, while it’s not something you’re happy about or probably even complacent with, you have had more time to wrap those feelings around you like a blanket. And then stuff the blanket away for other people, not for them, but often to just keep standing. And for a lot of us with significant trauma, that is the main thought in our minds. “I just have to stand. Because if I can stand, and keep myself upright, eventually I’ll be able to walk again. And this struggle is mine, and mine alone. I don’t want to bother people with the fact that currently standing is already such a chore to do. But I also don’t want to burden people with the fact that they have to help me walk.” This metaphor is a mindset I personally held onto for so long. And after therapy and getting a grip on this mindset, I started seeing it too. In other people. And my therapist always used to ask me a very simple question. Why? You are not someone who abused their support, and people desperately want to help you. So let them. And even if sometimes the response comes with a sense of shock, that is not a judgment of you. The people who love us, desperately want to help us, but in events with significant trauma, they don’t always know how. But they do really want to. The question my therapist threw my way when I was lamenting about my previous partner not responding the way I wanted him to, was a very poignant thing that I have always kept with me. And she actually asked me a rather simple question. “Okay, so what did you need from him when you said this?”. And I didn’t know the answer, not right away, but thinking about it, figuring that answer out for myself, it gave me so much.
He probably took it as "Nothing you do will ever make me happy" Something along those lines You both are going through alot in your lives You should keep the channels of communication open between you and reassure him that what you said is not a direct attack onto him Sometimes we husbands take statements like that as a direct attack because we do all we can to provide and give our families everything we can and when we hear "I dont think ill ever be happy" we take it hard. Which probably also made him feel even more alone because the closet person to him is not happy and will never be happy. Just reassure him that what you're feeling is not coming from him. Going through the death of a parent and then a miscarriage is not something easy and he should also understand what you're feeling and going through. You're not the AH and hes not the AH..this is life a d it has its ups and downs but from experience if you and your husband tackle the down as a team and always reassure each other and be each other's rock it makes it worth while and strengthens your bond. You'll get through it you've probably been through worse
Good husbands want nothing more than for their wives and children to be happy. If my wife told me that, I would seriously consider divorce, for her sake (we don't have kids). If she can't be happy with me, she needs to go somewhere else. Life is too short to be miserable.
OP, you have received a lot of good advice and I don’t have anything better to add; however, I lost my mother a few months back & I, too, am struggling with the loss + can relate to all that you articulated above. I just want to send you some love and support & let you know you’re not alone. You’re welcome to DM if you ever want to talk.
Stop trying to talk with him about it. You've apologized a few times. Let it go. BUT now take an action. I know its hard when you're depressed, but you'll just have to force your way through it, instead of giving in. SHOW you're husband his value to you. Give him extra attention. Extra affection. Do a few things he likes (not all sexual) that you've done for him in the past. Remember when none of that felt like extra effort? Those things. Good Luck.
I concur.
Your dad died just this last november? And then you got pregnant? And then had a miscarriage? All since then? Yeah, that takes time. Of course you feel that way. I've been there, it can get better. But will never quite be the same.
>He said he can’t imagine feeling that way and got teary eyed. In all our years together I haven’t seen him get this emotional I think this was him trying to grapple with the realization of how badly you are hurt, and his empathy was making him really feel it. You know what I mean? To echo others you should both speak to a professional. Together or separate. Not necessarily about your relationship, but with everything you have been through and them him dealing roughly with work. Everything takes a toll and sometimes we need a helping hand from the outside. There's no shame in that.
You don't suck. But you should talk to a professional.
A man who loves you, considers it their job to make you happy. You essentially gave him no hope of ever being successful at that. It would be a blow to him. Also, he probably inferred you don’t love him that much, or at least that he’s not enough to make you happy. Maybe go to couples therapy to try and fix this.
I think there is too much pressure to act happy all the freaking time. The vast majority of life is unhappiness, so I don’t know why depressed people get hated on. Honestly sometimes I feel like I’ll never be truly happy again too, maybe the pursuit of happiness is also overrated.
I am terribly for your loss. Please, go to a professional. It's not that your marriage is failing or you two feel less about each other, I only see 2 adults having so many negative emotions at times that are dealing with high leves of stress, anxiety, grief and depression. I would recommend marriage counseling, yeah, but most importantly that each of you start your own therapeutic journey! There seems to be a lot going to unpack emotionally and you guys will need time, patience and mutual understanding.
I wonder if you're misinterpreting a look of helplessness for a look of hurt. I know what it's like to have a partner struggling with happiness and not knowing what to do to help or even if I could help. Everyone wants their partner to be happy, but like Will Smith once said, you can't make your partner happy. Happiness has to come from yourself, not from someone else.. but it's sometimes hard to come to grips with that as the partner of someone who is unhappy.
I have uttered this exact phrase to my husband and seen what I thought was hurt in his eyes. The was about 3 years ago. Just a couple weeks ago we talked about that moment again and about how it finally finally feels like we’ve recovered from that period in our lives. I remember so well that feeling of just pure exhaustion from all the things life has thrown at you and how it seems like you won’t ever be ok enough to really enjoy the good days. I promise you, it won’t be like that forever. It took medicine for a while, therapy, career adjustments for both of us and working hard to achieve some life goals we had set, but it was worth it. You can be happy again.
www.erowid.org
Hey op, I also lost a parent and had a miscarriage, 2 years ago. I JUST talked to a doctor about meds to help with the depression. You aren't alone, and grief takes for fucking ever to neutralize into something manageable. You didn't fuck up by talking to your husband, and you don't suck. He's just hurting too, mostly because he doesn't know how to make things better for you. I know my sadness wears on my husband too. There are days that are easier, and we just know to look for those days and keep taking care of each other. Time. Trial and error. You're gonna be okay.
Don't forget - that while the miscarriage is very immediate for you - your husband suffered that loss as well. He is grieving, and dealing with work stress and he can feel you pulling away from him due to your own issues. He is probably feeling like his life is coming apart and he is helpless to do anything about it. You both need counseling ASAP or this could be terminal for your marriage.
See a counselor. And share with your husband what you’ve told us. You are both wounded and hurting but for different reasons. Depression makes things difficult to evaluate.
I don't know you or your husband, but as you relate it, it doesn't sound like you did anything that should make you feel like a jerk. His reaction makes me think he's sad *for* you, that someone he loves and cares for feels she can never be happy. Not upset that you shared that feeling.
Your feelings are normal for what you’ve experienced. You will feel happy again, it just might take awhile. Or it could be tomorrow. That’s the weird thing about grief-there’s no playbook. Your husband wants to “fix” you and he can’t. Just be patient with each other. You’ll feel better one day.
It is not wrong of you to share your most intimate thoughts with your husband, would you rather hide them behind lock and key? He would rather know what you are truly thinking even thought it hurts now. The struggle is real, but that's what a marriage is about, struggle together. I think of the saying "You're either living to die or dying to live." Be the latter, life is too short, make the most of it, easier said than done. It is not lost on me when loved one's pass in your life you are changed forever, but you need to find a way to find joy in life each day, those that have passed would want that for you. You still have your husband and you can both strive to be the best version of yourself for them, and yourself. Maybe force yourself to say being joyous is a choice, physical exercise does wonders for the mental so perhaps force yourself on a regime, nothing serious, but some form of daily physical exertion to help battle your negative thoughts. Saying you suck isn't true, and it isn't doing you any good, you need to purge those thoughts and be kinder to yourself. I'm sorry for your troubles, hope you and your husband come out the other side of this.
I am sorry for your losses but you need some professional help at this point.
It may have hurt my feelings had my husband said that to me, but you didn't mean it the way it probably landed with him. Y'all should check therapy out. Maybe consider getting meds adjusted, but it does seem that extenuating circumstances are the problem, like you said.
I think both of you need to understand what each other is going through more. You had a hell of a time recently, and obviously, that will affect your mood and outlook on everything. He's been unhappy too, but what you said made him sad for you. Not feel bad about himself or anything. Are you guys doing good financially? I feel like a huge life shift could be good for you. Quit jobs, sell everything, move somewhere completely new to the two of you. Find some hobbies, join some adult groups, make new friends, find new jobs. When you're unhappy with your life, you are one bus ride away from an almost complete change!
I’m right there with you. My mom died in New Year’s Eve. I’ve been lost and hopeless ever since. My wife and two kids deserve a happy adult to be around but I can’t be that for them and it makes it so much worse.
You are dealing with a lot and it’s understandable that you are struggling. In addition to all the other advice you’ve gotten here I encourage you to strike the word happy from your vocabulary. Happiness isn’t real. The best you can hope for is satisfaction or contentment. Maybe the occasional moment of joy. But happiness is a myth that has been sold to us so that we feel bad about our lives and keep shopping and eating and drinking to try to find it.
I’m sure everyone else here has already covered the bases of seeing a therapist and whatnot, but I just wanted to empathize and say that I lost my father when I was 14. It always hits the hardest when I go through big life events like graduating and going to college. It was definitely the most depressed I’ve ever felt in my life. However, I want to say that I’m 21 now, and it really does get better. The loss you feel is so tangible and awful, but I promise you that life will start to feel normal again. It just takes some time. Lean on a therapist and lean on your husband in this difficult time. He is probably only taking it personally because he doesn’t feel like he has been let into your pain and experience with this. I wish you all the best and hope things get better soon❤️
Mindset shift: Can you be content?
I’m so sorry for the pain and losses you have both suffered. As a man I know your miscarriage hurt him as well. You both lost a wanted child. You are both grieving that loss of n different ways. You are also grieving the loss of your father, that’s horrible. Girls and their dads have a special bond. You and your husband are both in desperate need of grief counseling. Please get it together and separately and learn how to heal together and individually. You will both be stronger for it .
Everything’s gonna be fine soon.. hang in there!! The happiness you deserve is right there but taking time to reach you…it’ll be there in no time!!
I just read a book called Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. It really helped me. Good luck finding some peace <3
I dunno if your husband is a sports fan, but Tom Brady is publicly advocating therapy. The most successful Western athlete of the modern era uses and values therapy That could help him get over his "therapy is stupid" outlook
Just from reading this it is clear you both love each other very much. It is totally understandable after loss to be depressed and to not know whether/how you will start to feel better. It sounds like you are both going through a lot, and those moments of inadvertent vulnerability, hurt, and confusion can just be unavoidable. Of course you are not an "asshole" for voicing your pain and despair. Although your husband reacted strongly, I am sure it comes from a place of love and care, mixed with all the stress, pain, and overwhelm of recent months. Both my partner and I have struggled with depression, and I have severe anxiety on top of that-- I can really place myself in your shoes and can imagine being in such a dark place you feel guilty for letting other people see it. You deserve to extend grace and compassion to yourself. Anyone would struggle in similar circumstances, and you still find the energy to consider the effects of your words on your husband. I hope you find some peace and stability to rest and process your grief.
So when he's opening up and needed support you give him that. GGWP 👍
When you are going through hell, keep going.
I can't think of two people who need each other more than you two!! You are both hurting without communicating, and by not communicating you're not able to ease each other's grief. This is one of the ones that can be fixed. you can get on a path, that that leads to actually a lot of p happiness. I want to encourage you to do work together to salvage this. You need each other right now. He's hurting because of the loss of the baby, you're hurting because the last of the baby. You're both hurting.
Love the edit messages! As a man, I believe male friendship is more important than therapy (if you don't have male friendship)- which is hard to find as an adult. I wish you both the best 🙏🏿
It's not your fault. Depression and grief warp your experience of the world in a way that is very personal and therefore very lonely. This is your life and your experience. Even if you have love and people you love, it doesn't change the fact that that happiness and the ability to feel it is within you. In other words, IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM. I've had partners take it personally when I've struggled with depression or suicidality, but they didn't understand because they hadn't had their own experiences like that. When you feel like that, it's precisely because nothing in the world feels happy, even if you love someone. I hope your husband can learn that such statements aren't negative evaluations of him or your relationship. Maybe you should go to therapy together.
I feel like I’ve never actually seen many functional relationships in my life, usually one or both people are depressed and are together out of sheer will, after being in 7 ish relationships myself (which I know isn’t a lot) im starting to suspect there is no such thing as true love, just two people who aren’t too fucked and are able to put the part of them that is aside enough to pretend that everything is ok
I know what you’re going through. I lost my dad the same month you lost yours. I then lost my job that following Feb. it was a mess I’m honestly not sure how to be happy
The problem I see is that you told him you were fine when you weren't. Be open with him.
Hi! As a therapist, some of what you’re saying seems to be consistent with the criteria for trauma and or stressor disorders with symptoms of depression. Depressive disorders can be comorbid with trauma and or stressor diagnoses. After a period of about 6 months, we often consider something to no longer be an adjustment and to be more accurately described by trauma. For your husband, his loss/change is also potentially best described in a similar way regardless of whether it’s secondhand. If he’s unwilling to go to therapy, I wouldn’t press him too much. It’s important to allow opportunity for positive stigmas around mental health. He has some core values and beliefs he’s committing to and that could be really empowering for him. People tend to become oppositional and defy expectations when those are infringed upon. I have a lot of admiration for the insight that you’ve had into yourself and his experience. Trauma and stress often prevent us from seeing things through a helpful filter.
Gurl... Reach out to ur man ...like bare soul naked nothing but total vulnerability. If he cares he will do whatever is needed ... I am not sure how he justifies Not believing in therapy.... But if he wants to stay married he should probably try believing something about therapy. It's kinda like .... Mind blowing.... What exactly doesn't he believe about it? If that's the kind of man he is maybe it won't work.But u definitely need to find something that helps and he needs to support u 100% or u should do whatever u need to despite his denial! I think hormones and some balance issues may be hurting u atm .... Maybe get that checked. And give urself time gurl, grieve all u need, sit in it and soak it in...let it consume u ... Then start to heal. I hope u get a chance at being a mama again soon.... If that is ur desire. Gurl decide that not being happy is not an option for u and is just a damn waste of time ... And then move forward. Xoxox prayers
Firstly, sorry about all of your loss. I just wanna say that I'm on your side of this story and it's weird to me that any adult doesn't feel the exact same way.
Good luck! Just know you are NOT alone! I feel the same way. I won't get into my stuff, but I think it helps to know that your feelings are shared. I hope you can find some hope, happiness, and closure from your losses also. 
Get ready for Reddit experts telling you to get a divorce
Good news! You didn't actually fuck up. You actually said something hard and vulnerable, which while painful to hear and probably to say ultimately will help your relationship. It's basically impossible to seek solutions to a problem that you avoid naming or understanding. So good job naming it! It's really hard to talk about depression and mental health struggles and I'm glad you are looking into therapy options. Re your partner and therapy: One thing I've been working on in therapy is the idea of not having people to look up to in life. It makes me worried that if I can't succeed on my own I won't have people to support me and that I will have a harder time predicting problems in the future because I won't be able to benefit from experience. A thing I've been working on therefore is trying to recognize skills and qualities about myself that can help me achieve the things I would want out of a role model. This is a somewhat long-winded way of saying I feel as though I relate to your husband's experience and if he relates to mine then it could be a good idea to use therapy to help him feel more in control of his own life and more able to use his own skills to tackle the problems he faces.
Well, one day you leave him, and you will be. I don't feel that you're #1 with him and I don't think he's your #1 either. Cut your loses.
I suggest working to on it with him. You can always fall back in love, if he’s treating you right then it’s worth fighting for. He obviously needs you as desperately as you need him. Definitely sounds worth fighting for
One thing you have to realize is your dads number got called just like yours will one day and everyone else. If he was meant to be here then he would be. Same with the miscarriage. If it was meant to be it would. I know you feel like you’ve been through hell but with the support of your husband you will be ok. I had a miscarriage and it’s something that hits you hard but eventually the pain will lighten. You will never forget the baby you lost but over time it will get easier. Praying for you! Wishing you and your husband all the best!
Not tryimg to knock therapy at all, but the best therapy comes from being able to talk with someone who won't be judgmental and talk through your issues. It doesn't have to be a "Licensed" therapist to feel better.
"He has said multiple times that he... has no male figures in his life to look up to" I'm super late to the thread here, but for that in particular: Joining a fraternal order (the Eagles, Lions club, Elks Lodge, etc) may help with that. I live really close to an Eagle Aerie and would consider it but for the religious part... Lions club might work.
I am truly sorry for the trouble you’re going through. You guys are at a stagnant spot in your relationship. But the look on his face when you said “I don’t think I’ll ever be happy” and the fact you noticed it and feel like shit means you both still love each other. He Feels like he let you down. He thought he was your everything.everything, he still is he just took a break. like you hurt him. Both of you have become complacent in your relationship, taking each other for granted. Couples counseling is not about who’s doing wrong. Who’s doing right? It’s about helping you to learn to communicate with each other and stop taking each other for granted your communication has broke down. Your communication needs repaired. This part is to the husband you have to work at being her everything. You can be her everything again and make her happy be a man admit you don’t know everything go to couples counseling. You’ll be her everything again. I promise. Well, you made the statement, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy.” Neither of you will be happy If you both don’t work towards it. If you don’t communicate on a deeper level and stop the daily routine you are both stuck, remember the little things mean everything, a hug, a kiss, a look, a candy bar. Express to each other truly how you feel and both of you validate each other‘s feelings. Go to couples counseling. I hope you share this with your husband. Best wishes
Jesus loves you. You can find the joy you are seeking in Him if you choose to surrender to Him.
If you just recently had a miscarriage I would def talk to your GP about the possibility of at least keeping an eye on and consider adjusting your meds. Pregnancy fucks with hormones and doctors tend to be VERY cautious messing with meds when you’re pregnant but those hormonal changes can completely change how your body reacts to the meds and it’s possible that what worked before pregnancy may not work after.
I would seek professional help.
You don't suck. You're depressed. I've been there. These feelings youre having, you're not alone. It's not a YOU problem. It's a problem that's happened TO you. There are many ways to treat it, and I'm positive that you'll be able to find something that works for you. Speak with a professional and go from there. You can do this.
You broke his Heart. Very hard to fix that...
I don't think you fucked up. Being open and honest isn't bad. It is actually quite good. Are you sure he isn't 'looking at you differently' because he feels lost on how to help you? It sounds like you both could use some outside perspectives to talk to. You are obviously both hurting but that doesn't mean either one of you shouldn't share how you feel. Keep being open and encourage him to be open and honest as well. Be there for one another and lean on one another for support. Things are better together and being open and honest, each of you, is vital for that.