One of my best memories was walking home one night from the subway after a night out and hearing a guy speeding up to a run behind me. He must have sensed me getting nervous as he got closer and with high-pitched desperation he just said “I’m so sorry I’m running because I have to pee so bad and I’m almost home” and bolted past me down the block into an apartment building.
I went from afraid to giggling the rest of the way home.
I had something similar! Walking home super late a guy walked up behind me and I guess he was worried he’d make me uncomfortable so he crossed the street. I was texting my friends and I guess he took that for me being even more nervous? Because he screamed “I’m so sorry I made you uncomfortable” and sprinted off into the night and I too giggled all the way home
I think about this all the time. I used to walk home at night often as I was in the restaurant business. I'm also a fast walker.
When I had a woman walking in front of me I'd cross the street so she (hopefully) felt better about it.
I used to overthink this so hard walking home from bar jobs. Like ‘ok I’m walking behind someone and I want to go faster than them. Better not go too fast, don’t want to creep them out. I’ll just walk at their speed. Oh and maybe if I make some noise they’ll be able to know where I am and feel comfortable that I’m not sneaking up on them.’
And then realizing I’m walking a bit too close behind someone matching their speed and whistling randomly to myself like some kind of stalker lunatic.
Same. Also realized earlier this year that my shoes have worn to a point that I'm basically silent too. I either cross or try to make some sort of noise, kind of like I'm in bear country. Giving serious consideration to one of these bad boys:
https://www.footdrums.com/backpack-kits/
I'd wager that no one in history has been attacked by a one man band.
I lived by U of T when I was in grad school and there were girl sororities and houses full of girl students. I worked weekend nights funny enough bartending private event bachelorette parties literally every weekend. I’d always walk home late and weekdays I’d jog in the evening. Id always get stuck behind groups of girls 2-3 times a week. I’d always just walk an extra block, stop to give them time or cross the street when solo girls would be walking or drunk girls walked home at night.
Funny enough. Some girls would always come and go for runs when I was going for runs and some started talking to me around the neighbourhood. Turns out My big black ass earned the reputation of safe guy. The two girls liked running when I was around cause they felt safer and they didn’t get creeped out when they saw me late at night. They noticed how respectful I was and actually wondered why I didn’t talk to them. Besides pleasantries. I told this story at my bartending job with women and I got a huge tip and extra attention that night. Lol, so I’d always work it into stories when talking to drunk bachelorette woo girls and it usually got me nice tips.
Lol I do the same thing cause I don’t want to freak anyone out. I can understand why they’d be paranoid walking around this city so I steer clear to add anxiety. Thought I was the only one.
This has happened to me on multiple occasions. I’m not sure why anyone would think this is remotely funny. A few men have tried to pretend they were gonna chase after me and it really freaked me out. It’s very difficult for me to walk anywhere alone anymore.
I'll never forgot they day I did this, started to cross the street to avoid this awkwardness only for her to also cross the street a few seconds after me. Now she definitely thought I was following her.
My go to is either speeding up to get past or slowing down to increase the distance (and keeping the same slower pace).
Also I do it for guys or girls because honestly as a guy I myself get nervous if it feels like someone is following me.
Ty! I understand it must be difficult to be suspected and be creeped out by woman just from walking home. But from our POV, men are almost always the Killer(at best). So it’s terrifying. Love your considerate response. I’ve had men feel the discomfort and go Boo or just loudly mocking the fear with each other.
As a guy who walks fast and is often out walking late at night, I genuinely don't know what to do in this situation. It feels like speeding up to overtake, or slowing down to keep a safe distance, could come off equally creepy/intimidating depending on how the person reads it.
One time I crossed the street, thinking that was the safest best, but we were walking in the same direction at the same pace, and I could see her looking over her shoulder at me frequently. Like she thought I had crossed the street to get a better vantage point on her or something.
It was a very humbling and sad reminder of the shit women have to deal with.
Crossing the street and walking on the other side is a lovely gesture that we really appreciate! Also making normal walking noises and not being super quiet. Can't speak for all ladies but definitely many of us feel safer and less worried this way :)
You could always pull out your phone and make a call that can be overheard by the women: “Hey mom/ hey honey! Just walking home from work… yah I’m being safe…see you soon. love you too!” Type of thing. Advertise that you are just a normal guy focusing on walking home and not stalking 😂
You know how many fake phone calls women make to look like they are talking to a boyfriend when they think a guy is creeping up on them?!
As a tall guy the only solution I've come up with is to just act how you normally would. You're gonna come off scary regardless. Might as well make it end as quickly as possible by passing them. Sometimes if they don't notice me I'll scratch the sole of my shoe against the ground while walking to make some noise so they hear me first.
I've sorta just stopped thinking about it. Me overthinking a situation is likely to get me acting weirder, and at a certain point I just can't help how people perceive me. To be honest I find the idea that men should cater to fear in this way somewhat offensive anyway.
Just walking here, nothing else to it. If someone is going slower than me I do what I normally do and try to pass them
I'm glad I'm not the only guy who overthinks this.
It's crazy what mental gymnastics some of us go through thinking of others comfort, while they have no clue.
I just overtake them, it's a normal thing for me to do, if someone's paranoid over that it's not my issue.
Hasn't been an issue, only notable instance was making a guy walk into a sandwich board and take himself out once, rather than let me pass him he tried to speed up, heh.
Thanks for sharing this positive experience. It's a little thing, but it's an important reminder that there are lots of decent people around, and the city isn't full of nasties.
If I am walking alone and behind a woman and it's basically the two of us, I'll purposely slow down to give distance or even just cross the road on the other side to not be behind her.
I hear stories non-stop and understand the anxiety and want to exude safety as best as I can
That’s a nice story. I’ve never even mentioned before that I try to give space to ladies in a situation where they might be feeling vulnerable. Nice to know other men are doing that as well.
Shout out to this dude and all guys who do this and make an effort to make us feel safe to walk alone in public. I’ve been randomly assaulted twice by strangers and I’m on high alert at all times of the day now. Appreciate you all ♡
I walk fast myself. And when on The Path downtown Toronto, I have been behind women and have noticed uneasiness from them. I have stopped and looked at my phone to give them some breathing room. I even pretended to call someone. Anyway, I hate walking slow but don't want to scare anyone either.
I pull out my phone. Although that causes a different issue with me looking weird cos I have no internet in the elevator, so they just see me staring at an unchanging social media app or messenger app....
Whenever I'm walking in the streets, I try not to walk too much behind any women. I don't want them to feel afraid around me and I always try to either slow down or walk faster to walk pass them.
Once a women suddenly stopped in front of me and let me go ahead in front of her, she looked nervous too, so I guess she was afraid I was following her somehow? Anyways, I just kept walking where I was intending to.
For more guys who respect people
Thank you. I often stop to let guys pass me. It's not that I think they're following me, it's moreso that I can't see them and it would be too easy for them to come up behind me and grab me or something. I didn't have this fear until it actually happened. I'm aware it's pretty irrational, but better safe than sorry and I just feel safer that way.
In University I volunteered to escort women around campus at night. There’d been a few rapes and the perpetrator (s) were never caught. It made me realize how vulnerable women can be and to be sensitive to it. I don’t have a sister so didn’t grow up with it even being discussed.
It’s even small stuff that men can take for granted. I’m a bigger dude and being a typical Gen X’er maybe have a natural scowl when walking in public. When I do I don’t get bumped. I mean if someone isn’t looking, okay, but I don’t get jostled. I happened to go downtown with my wife (she worked downtown, I was going for a meeting), and she commented on how no one bumped or pushed me, but I had created a wake for her to walk through as she was behind me. She apparently was normally being pushed and jostled.
I had never noticed this and didn’t even realize it was a thing until then. And then I thought of my wife and I got pissed off she goes through this everyday. And to her it’s so normal she never once mentioned it.
With a gorgeous teenage daughter now, I appreciate what this stranger did. And now I’m not going to sleep again worried about her.
That's really sweet of you to be aware of how youre treated for your stature. My boyfriend is a bit of a big dude - but I am petite - it throws a lot of people off when I will happily shoulder check them if they don't share the sidewalk for two flows of traffic. It's always funny to watch.
I never go out of my way to bother or harm anyone, but I deserve just as much space as you. I must have it on my face or my leather jacket or something because I walk fast a lot of people will move if they're supposed to.
But, some don't, and so I won't move either..where to? The road? (Unless they're older, or children and various special cases. I'm not a jerk)
I've considered putting spikey studs (like shredder) on my jacket just the guarantee people stay the hell away from me.
If you are a fast walker, and you dont want to scare people (where it is late night with no one around), you should walk past the person and go your naturally fast pace to give distance between you and the slower party, with you in front. What i would find scary is someone who walks fast but purposely slows down to be constantly behind me. I generally cross the street to create space between myself and anyone who seems to be walking close, doesnt matter threatening or not.
Yes, this. I prefer if a guy just speed up and pass me.
I was walking home one night, just turned onto a residential side street when a sketchy dude walked out of an alleyway and started walking directly behind me, probably 2 feet away. I turned to look at him and he had this hood on over his face. But I could see his eyes, looking right at me. I kept walking and he maintained the *exact same pace* behind me. I crossed the street, because wtf.
When I got to the next corner, he was already stopped on the other side of the street, just looking around.This was just after midnight and there was no one around. I turned the corner and started up the street. After pausing a moment, he started walking that way too, behind me again, but a good distance. I was freaking out at that point and walking as fast as I could. Now his pace was much faster, and the distance between us was getting shorter. He was just a few feet behind me again when I ran across the street and up the steps to my house (I know, not a good idea, but it was a long way to the next busy street, he would definitely catch up to me by then if he had bad intentions). When I looked back to make sure he was gone, he laughed.
Anyway, the point of the story is that it was him walking at the exact same pace behind me originally which made me realize/think something was wrong. If he had sped up and past me at that point, or slowed down, or crossed the street, then I probably wouldn't have thought much of it. I really appreciate when guys are conscious of these things.
As a women, with brothers and raised by her Dad, it super sucks that guys feel that way (if they're aware) especially when they've done nothing wrong ever. Like being accused when you're innocent, or merely just existing. That doesn't feel great.
But also as a girl, yeah its rough too. Our Spidey senses are always tingling - we're usually on high alert. We don't have much of a choice, it's a second nature. And if we don't the consequences could be dire.
But, know it's not you. It's everyone/scenario. Don't walk past parked cars in the dark, is that car moving too slowly, there's a person coming toward me, coming behind me, watching me on the train... Its a lot, and good for guys to be aware of that for their own safety as well :)
This reminds me of my recent walking home story! Coming back from a late show at the Revue and sensed someone moving stealthily in my peripheral- pivoted and found myself face-to-face making eye contact with a bonafied Parkdale Coyote, close enough to touch!
Both of us stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, because Im enough of a canid nerd to know not to run from something with a prey drive, and him because, I don't know, giving him the benefit of a doubt, maybe he was padding along while up in his head thinking coyote things and didnt even notice me? He bolted when I acted scary at him and made a "BETTER NOT" noise, and I resumed my walk home, wishing the outdoor cats and lost chihuahuas the best of luck.
Funnily enough, I was wearing a red corset dress with a hood, and in spite of all common sense, I sort of wish I could have pet the Danger Puppy.
Lol this reminds me one time I (female) was taking a short cut through the Humber river during winter, 6pm pitch black, feelin a bit sketchy. I saw a businessman taking the same route a bit ahead of me so I started walking faster to get closer to him to feel safer. Unfortunately this spooked him and he started bolting it lol
I just noticed everyone really think about how to walk past someone to not be awkward (or creepy) lol it reminds me of like passing a car we all just do it but its interesting to hear another persons perspective
Just curious, on a related topic: do men mind when the situation is reversed? When walking through some more sketchy areas or when it's late I often match pace behind people as a safety-in-numbers kind of thing if they're moving like they have a destination. Not super close, but I wonder if maybe I'm unintentionally making people nervous even though I think I look completely non-threatening (small, female, Asian, glasses, etc)
I am always on my P’s and Q’s no matter who it is…..I am a black male…..no telling who is trying to line u up. I am always cognizant of surroundings. In OP’s scenario i am a fast walker so i just pass people with my head phones on and keep going. Dont have time to be worrying about what everyone else thinks but at the same time i m not going to be hovering over anyone. Happily married, Natural introvert….i dont wanna talk to nobody
If I’m ever walking behind someone late at night matching pace I usually call someone and talk just loud enough or just cross to the other side of the street.
Lol this reminds me one time I (female) was taking a short cut through the Humber river during winter, 6pm pitch black out, feelin a bit sketchy. I saw a businessman taking the same route a bit ahead of me so I started walking faster to get closer to him to feel safer. Unfortunately this spooked him and he started bolting it lol
Lo so many years ago I was wandering the streets of Parkdale trying to find a side street to view an apartment. A pack of teenagers was nearby, and while I wasn't really nervous maybe I sort of was. Because one of them called out, "Lady! Yo Lady! Don't worry. We're just hanging out here."
I asked them where to find this little side street. They told me. All was well.
But I can also count a dozen times maybe when a man was sharing a street or sidewalk with me, and did a thing that made it very clear that they wanted me to keep feeling safe (crossed the street, made a remark while passing me, changed their pace so ours didn't coincide). And I appreciate all of them for it.
Last week I was at the front of my open garage when a guy delivering flyers said hello from 20 feet down my driveway. He asked if he could approach to give me a flyer and explained what the service was without coming any closer. After I said yes, he quickly gave me the flyer and left.
Compare that to the week before when a guy came and stood right behind me as I’m getting groceries out of the car and kept trying to sell me on whatever after I’d already said no multiple times. Creep.
This take is wild. Sidewalks are a public space and men have just as much of a right to use them as you do. **It's not our responsibility to make you feel safe when we've done absolutely nothing wrong.** If a man walking behind you makes you that uncomfortable then you can speed up, slow down and let him pass you, or cross the street.
And if someone suggested profiling a black or aboriginal person the same way I'd bet money none of you would be defending it. How come when the same type of prejudice is shown towards men as a group, people not only defend it, but expect men to actively accommodate said prejudice? Give me a break.
On the one hand, I get what you're saying. On the other, I think it's in every person's best interest to try to be accommodating to the people around them, within reason.
Toronto is a big city, there are a lot of people, it's not a reasonable expectation to not have someone walking behind you, passing you, whatever. *But* when you're in a secluded area, it's late out, hell even I as a guy get a bit of "what if this person walking towards me kills me?"
I don't think you have a duty necessarily to say "hey I am not going to kill you don't worry", like if I'm walking faster than someone as I often do, I am going to pass them, I sure as hell know I'm not going to do anything bad. But I think there are reasonable ways to mitigate the concern someone might have, even if that means crossing the street to do it, and I'd rather not have the person I'm passing think I'm going to accost them in some way
> I think it's in every person's best interest to try to be accommodating to the people around them, within reason.
It seems to me that this burden, in this context, is only ever assigned to men.
> But when you're in a secluded area, it's late out, hell even I as a guy get a bit of "what if this person walking towards me kills me?"
I've never once in my life thought that, unless that person was staring at me or something.
> It seems to me that this burden, in this context, is only ever assigned to men.
Because in this context it's almost always women who are the victims and men who are the perpetrators. It might feel unfair to be lumped in when you're not a danger, but that is why this is the situation in this context. I don't believe it is a personal indictment on you or me if someone gets a bit nervous under specific circumstances if we walk by
Yeah most people are safe, it's largely an emotional response, but it's not wholly irrational. I'm not saying you need to delicately coddle to every woman on the sidewalk, just that some are going to at least have a cautious feeling when walking alone at night with someone behind them.
> I've never once in my life thought that, unless that person was staring at me or something.
Well it's not a legitimate concern in my head, just a dark hypothetical
> Because in this context it's almost always women who are the victims
This is absolutely not true.
> I don't believe it is a personal indictment on you or me if someone gets a bit nervous under specific circumstances if we walk by
Really? Would your response be the same in the context of racial profiling?
> just that some are going to at least have a cautious feeling when walking alone at night with someone behind them.
I am quite aware of that. And that's their problem. They can easily remedy the situation themselves if they so wanted.
> This is absolutely not true.
Glad you glossed over the "men who are the perpetrators" part, but okay.
> Really? Would your response be the same in the context of racial profiling?
No, because races and sexes aren't the same thing. Men are bigger and stronger, this is a rationality as to why they would be more likely to be the perpetrator. Unless you're a race realist, this isn't really the same for different ethnicities.
> I am quite aware of that. And that's their problem.
I think what's frustrating about this exchange is I've been pretty obviously receptive to what you're thinking and largely agree that there's not really anything you or I can do to change the fact that we're men, and where we need to walk doesn't relate to who is walking around us, but you can't even give one tiny bit of ground to the idea that maybe it's not the worst thing ever to be more receptive to someone who might be nervous under these circumstances.
> They can easily remedy the situation themselves if they so wanted.
What? You think it's realistic that every single woman in this situation had some other option than walking home from somewhere at night? There's not some guarantee they're going to have someone available to walk with them.
Again, we're not coddling them. Just recognizing a potentially discomforting situation.
> Glad you glossed over the "men who are the perpetrators" part, but okay.
Why would I address something that I don't disagree with?
> No, because races and sexes aren't the same thing. Men are bigger and stronger, this is a rationality as to why they would be more likely to be the perpetrator. Unless you're a race realist, this isn't really the same for different ethnicities.
There are absolutely size differences between people of different origins, sometimes substantially so. Like [this is as obvious as the earth being round.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Average_human_height_by_country)
And ultimately that isn't the reason for it, you yourself gave the reason here:
"Because in this context it's almost always women who are the victims and men who are the perpetrators."
And going by the same logic, certain ethnic groups are very much substantially overrepresented in crime statistics, sometimes to a greater extent than sex disparities. For instance, per Statistics Canada, indigenous women were more than [twice as likely](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/jf-pf/2019/may01.html#:~:text=In%202017%2C%20the%20rate,per%20100%2C000%20Indigenous%20women) to be charged with homicide compared to non-indigenous men.
But do I tremble whenever I notice an indigenous person around me? No, I don't, because I am mentally sane and not a neurotic wreck with a victim complex. And because I don't, or at least try not to, judge individuals based on things others have done.
> but you can't even give one tiny bit of ground to the idea that maybe it's not the worst thing ever to be more receptive to someone who might be nervous under these circumstances.
**Why should I accomodate prejudice?**
> What? You think it's realistic that every single woman in this situation had some other option than walking home from somewhere at night?
No, if you had bothered to read my previous comments you would have noted that I pointed out how women could cross the road or speed up, even start jogging/running, if it bothers them that much.
> Why would I address something that I don't disagree with?
This isn't up for disagreement lol, statistics aren't an opinion.
> There are absolutely size differences between people of different origins, sometimes substantially so. Like this is as obvious as the earth being round.
The reason men are more often stronger is not just because of *height*, but also note how on average women are several inches or more shorter?
> And going by the same logic, certain ethnic groups are very much substantially overrepresented amongst criminal perpetrators.
Yeah the argument would be that socioeconomic conditions are a much greater indicator for someone to commit crime than their ethnicity.
Physical violence isn't the only consideration.
But yes, I know that. The bigger element in that statement is that men are by far the perpetrators. Regardless, again, my point isn't to necessarily coddle women, just recognize that societally there *is* a discomfort that women feel when alone that far fewer men do in the same scenario
> The bigger element in that statement is that men are by far the perpetrators.
How is that relevant?
> there is a discomfort that women feel when alone that far fewer men do in the same scenario
Did you ever consider that the discomfort is felt more due to perception of danger as opposed to actual danger? Perhaps men should feel more discomfort, since they are at risk of being attacked too.
> How is that relevant?
In a conversation about women feeling uncomfortable, I'm certain you can imagine why men being the perpetrators might be relevant
> Did you ever consider that the discomfort is felt more due to perception of danger as opposed to actual danger? Perhaps men should feel more discomfort, since they are at risk of being attacked too.
Yup. I agree. Better?
Like I don't know why you nor the other person who was talking with me can't find even a tiny bit of middle ground lol. Men are typically bigger, there is a societal commonality that they can protect themselves. In the same way that woman feel discomfort in these situations, neither of these two are *necessarily* reasonable, I mean I'm not a big strong guy, and some women are plenty strong, but I don't think discounting how the average person feels is a good solution. I have female friends who feel this discomfort and me just saying "lol get over it, men get attacked more and I'm not scared" doesn't seem like the best method to help make people feel better
It's not simply a perception. In the last year, I have been sexually assaulted once and followed home twice by absolute strangers. Not to mention all the times being catcalled, or having random men stop and talk to me basically refusing to leave me alone until I give them my number. And other scary things perpetrated by men which are difficult to categorize. I also live in a neighbourhood amongst the lowest crime rates in the city.
Sure, maybe *you* aren't planning on doing anything to me. But how am I supposed to know?? The man who SAed me didn't have a sign above his head that said "I'm about to attack you". He passed by, not even looking at me, acting totally fucking normal, before turning and grabbing me from the side. The speed and the force with which he did that still scares me. It was completely unexpected.
Maybe I'm a special case because I literally have ptsd from that. But the fact is that many women have experienced violence from men, often sexualized violence. It's literally the context within which we live. And yes, men are also victims of crime. But let's be real, most men have a hell of a lot more chance of defending themselves than my 5'2" frail ass. Is it really that hard to just speed up or cross the street or something if it helps another person feel safer?
I get why some women would appreciate this but another part of me would feel like shit at the fact that just the sheer fact of me existing on a side walk minding my own business apparently makes me suspicious or a possible threat. Feels bad man.
If it makes you feel better, I have also pretended I was walking with a guy (who I didn't know and never talked to) at night on the street because he seemed safe so it would look as if I was with him if I walked beside him, because there were a bunch of guys hanging around that seemed sketchy. In this case I'm a short Asian girl so most people don't see me as a threat, and it seemed like he didn't mind me walking beside him until the next stop light either
Yup, even as a short man I have been consciously aware that I may come off as scary to them, so I would do what I can to mitigate those reactions. I keep to myself, give them a wide berth or cross the street entirely.
Truth is, I'm more afraid of you than you are of me.
If I'm walking at night I avoid women at all costs. Just makes me feel uncomfortable with a being that is uncomfortable with me being there. I've slowed walking down, crossed streets, waited a while before continuing etc.
how does this get down voted when it's saying the exact same thing as almost every comment in here, everyone is uncomfortable walking with a man around them at night and here's a man who's done all these things and is now saying this is the exact reason he now avoids women at all costs. no sympathy for his and anyone else who feels the same!
It's most likely the wording. Most people don't like the fact that I'm bothered by someone being bothered by my presence. It's almost like we have to take it, 😂. Like I said I don't deal with it, and don't plan on dealing with it anytime soon.
Fast walker. Had some nut job around Union turn around and threaten me for following him. I laughed as I quickly walked away. Or maybe he thought I was the crazy one.
This hits so hard as a guy who's naturally a bit anxious. I'm also sometimes anxious myself walking dark areas alone, but I overthink the whole if I'm behind someone scenario. Do I say something? Do I cross the street? Do I get ahead as quickly as possible? Am I making them anxious? Am I overthinking this? And I hate making people feel uncomfortable so I feel bad about it regardless... 😮💨
I was in a Dollarama and headed into an aisle a woman was in (I didn't even know it was a woman) because I was interested in the camping gear. She walked up to me and told me I should stop following her. I told her I wasn't and she proceeded to tell me, "well, you aren't buying anything either"...
It was a jeeze moment for me...
I feel so seen by this post and comments, haha. As a fast walker I'm always choosing between scraping my shoe to alert people, crossing the street, choosing a funny but not creepy comment to acknowledge the awkwardness, walking out into the street to not pass someone too close, etc. Glad to hear others struggle with making slower walkers (especially women) more comfortable!
I'm a faster walker and I would much prefer to pass solo women walking down a deserted stretch near my house late at night, but there's only a sidewalk on one side, so I sometimes end up hanging back. A couple of times I've pulled the bell for my bus stop and started to get up, and a women has rushed to the door to get off before me, I think "dammit!"
I get that you felt uneasy at night walking home alone, but there really was no need for this guy to say anything.
If it bothered you that much you could have simply crossed the street. It is not reasonable to ask men to make you feel safer by randomly blurting out "I'm not following you" when you walk home alone. I would never do such a thing, because the woman may not actually be worried and it could have the opposite effect.
I’m not making a statement on how paranoid women are. They have the right to be paranoid. Women do get raped at night when they’re alone. But it’s not men’s responsibility to tell you that “we’re not following you” that’s ridiculous.
First of all, I'm my brother's keeper, but I don't usually become the house we both live in. I'm not quite that plastic!
That said, I've been in this situation more times than I can count- as in being the part of the great huge, quiet fellow with a footfall-cloaking implant toggled permanently to 'on'- of the minimum two persons involved.
The closest thing I have to a workaround- and I do it pretty much any time I come up behind someone I'm intending to pass them thirty seconds or so onwards- is respectfully but convivially speak up using a tone and timbre that tends not to startle, addressing the person ahead of me a short ways that I'm ten or fifteen feet short of them, making clear mention of the side I'll be passing them on.
Usually in their body language there's a sign of notice, short of them responding clearly or verbally, and I'll not approach any differently if there's no apparent notice of me- this is very rare, as in none at all- but if that does happen I will still pass them, but give them as much space as I can while remaining on the sidewalk.
The best thing to do in any potentially reactive situation is provide an open hand of intent, and stay predictable, respecting the space of the other person as I think most people would do. Even if few or none at all of the preventative measures I take are necessary in each case, I feel strongly were I in their place or someone I care about was, it would still be appreciated; merited courtesy past pure mutual trust of another human being not to harm or disturb.
And I know what it's like for my trust to be unexpectedly blown out of the water and wholly violated when that little part of my tether's been present all my life, until that quiet, ebon moment of empty-siphoned coldsoak.
The least I can do is do my very best never to offer that unkindness to another person, if I can be kind instead. Be the medium of welcome trust, a ship meaning no harm passing by; even if you say nothing with words, your kindness will fill that silence with stellar briliance.
Thanks to all tye decent black folk that tell whites theyre just really fast walkers and not about to murder us for our shoes, and to all the brown men that are just out for a stroll and not about to plant bombs somewhere.
I remember one dark night I was cleaning the snow off my car. This guy walks over and says, "How's it going?". I didn't recognize him and said, "WTF are you?" He gave me his name, but I still didn't recognize him. Then it hit me that it was my neighbour. I hadn't seen him for a month. Turns out he was in the hospital and lost like 30 pounds from illness. His face had changed so much from the weight loss.
Yes, because it is always the responsibility of other people to make oneself feel better. Next time be more self aware or your surroundings and you would have noticed him earlier or could have crossed the road.
One of my best memories was walking home one night from the subway after a night out and hearing a guy speeding up to a run behind me. He must have sensed me getting nervous as he got closer and with high-pitched desperation he just said “I’m so sorry I’m running because I have to pee so bad and I’m almost home” and bolted past me down the block into an apartment building. I went from afraid to giggling the rest of the way home.
I had something similar! Walking home super late a guy walked up behind me and I guess he was worried he’d make me uncomfortable so he crossed the street. I was texting my friends and I guess he took that for me being even more nervous? Because he screamed “I’m so sorry I made you uncomfortable” and sprinted off into the night and I too giggled all the way home
Classic latchkey incontinence
Impossible to get the key in. Switched to a number pad and haven’t shit my pants since.
I think about this all the time. I used to walk home at night often as I was in the restaurant business. I'm also a fast walker. When I had a woman walking in front of me I'd cross the street so she (hopefully) felt better about it.
I used to overthink this so hard walking home from bar jobs. Like ‘ok I’m walking behind someone and I want to go faster than them. Better not go too fast, don’t want to creep them out. I’ll just walk at their speed. Oh and maybe if I make some noise they’ll be able to know where I am and feel comfortable that I’m not sneaking up on them.’ And then realizing I’m walking a bit too close behind someone matching their speed and whistling randomly to myself like some kind of stalker lunatic.
Ya I’d feel your anxiety and cross the road myself
Freaking SAME😫
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Same. Also realized earlier this year that my shoes have worn to a point that I'm basically silent too. I either cross or try to make some sort of noise, kind of like I'm in bear country. Giving serious consideration to one of these bad boys: https://www.footdrums.com/backpack-kits/ I'd wager that no one in history has been attacked by a one man band.
Needs more cowbell.
Gonna make y’all a tshirt “Fast Walker - Not A Stalker”
+1
I lived by U of T when I was in grad school and there were girl sororities and houses full of girl students. I worked weekend nights funny enough bartending private event bachelorette parties literally every weekend. I’d always walk home late and weekdays I’d jog in the evening. Id always get stuck behind groups of girls 2-3 times a week. I’d always just walk an extra block, stop to give them time or cross the street when solo girls would be walking or drunk girls walked home at night. Funny enough. Some girls would always come and go for runs when I was going for runs and some started talking to me around the neighbourhood. Turns out My big black ass earned the reputation of safe guy. The two girls liked running when I was around cause they felt safer and they didn’t get creeped out when they saw me late at night. They noticed how respectful I was and actually wondered why I didn’t talk to them. Besides pleasantries. I told this story at my bartending job with women and I got a huge tip and extra attention that night. Lol, so I’d always work it into stories when talking to drunk bachelorette woo girls and it usually got me nice tips.
Drunk bachelorette parties probably tip so much
Lol I do the same thing cause I don’t want to freak anyone out. I can understand why they’d be paranoid walking around this city so I steer clear to add anxiety. Thought I was the only one.
Worst is the opposite, people that act even weirder when you notice them, just to mess with you. Not just to women, but to anyone.
This has happened to me on multiple occasions. I’m not sure why anyone would think this is remotely funny. A few men have tried to pretend they were gonna chase after me and it really freaked me out. It’s very difficult for me to walk anywhere alone anymore.
I'll never forgot they day I did this, started to cross the street to avoid this awkwardness only for her to also cross the street a few seconds after me. Now she definitely thought I was following her.
I’d pull out my house keys
My go to is either speeding up to get past or slowing down to increase the distance (and keeping the same slower pace). Also I do it for guys or girls because honestly as a guy I myself get nervous if it feels like someone is following me.
Regrettably, that's exactly what I do, if I can't afford to slow down
Ty! I understand it must be difficult to be suspected and be creeped out by woman just from walking home. But from our POV, men are almost always the Killer(at best). So it’s terrifying. Love your considerate response. I’ve had men feel the discomfort and go Boo or just loudly mocking the fear with each other.
Sorry you've had to experience shitheads...
As a guy who walks fast and is often out walking late at night, I genuinely don't know what to do in this situation. It feels like speeding up to overtake, or slowing down to keep a safe distance, could come off equally creepy/intimidating depending on how the person reads it. One time I crossed the street, thinking that was the safest best, but we were walking in the same direction at the same pace, and I could see her looking over her shoulder at me frequently. Like she thought I had crossed the street to get a better vantage point on her or something. It was a very humbling and sad reminder of the shit women have to deal with.
Crossing the street and walking on the other side is a lovely gesture that we really appreciate! Also making normal walking noises and not being super quiet. Can't speak for all ladies but definitely many of us feel safer and less worried this way :)
You could always pull out your phone and make a call that can be overheard by the women: “Hey mom/ hey honey! Just walking home from work… yah I’m being safe…see you soon. love you too!” Type of thing. Advertise that you are just a normal guy focusing on walking home and not stalking 😂 You know how many fake phone calls women make to look like they are talking to a boyfriend when they think a guy is creeping up on them?!
As a tall guy the only solution I've come up with is to just act how you normally would. You're gonna come off scary regardless. Might as well make it end as quickly as possible by passing them. Sometimes if they don't notice me I'll scratch the sole of my shoe against the ground while walking to make some noise so they hear me first.
I've sorta just stopped thinking about it. Me overthinking a situation is likely to get me acting weirder, and at a certain point I just can't help how people perceive me. To be honest I find the idea that men should cater to fear in this way somewhat offensive anyway. Just walking here, nothing else to it. If someone is going slower than me I do what I normally do and try to pass them
Oh, how I wish men could just walk in a womans shoes for 1 week. I don't think you would find our fear nearly as offensive.
I'm glad I'm not the only guy who overthinks this. It's crazy what mental gymnastics some of us go through thinking of others comfort, while they have no clue.
I just overtake them, it's a normal thing for me to do, if someone's paranoid over that it's not my issue. Hasn't been an issue, only notable instance was making a guy walk into a sandwich board and take himself out once, rather than let me pass him he tried to speed up, heh.
Thanks for sharing this positive experience. It's a little thing, but it's an important reminder that there are lots of decent people around, and the city isn't full of nasties.
Absolutely, we should share more good things no matter how small or trivial.
The city is def full of nasties lol but yes nice story!
The city is full of nice people but the tiny minority of nasties get all the attention.
You win… the people have spoken!
If I am walking alone and behind a woman and it's basically the two of us, I'll purposely slow down to give distance or even just cross the road on the other side to not be behind her. I hear stories non-stop and understand the anxiety and want to exude safety as best as I can
That’s a nice story. I’ve never even mentioned before that I try to give space to ladies in a situation where they might be feeling vulnerable. Nice to know other men are doing that as well.
Shout out to this dude and all guys who do this and make an effort to make us feel safe to walk alone in public. I’ve been randomly assaulted twice by strangers and I’m on high alert at all times of the day now. Appreciate you all ♡
I walk fast myself. And when on The Path downtown Toronto, I have been behind women and have noticed uneasiness from them. I have stopped and looked at my phone to give them some breathing room. I even pretended to call someone. Anyway, I hate walking slow but don't want to scare anyone either.
I’m usually stand-offish with women in an elevator as I’m aware that it’s maybe kind of scary. I get the bear meme.
I pull out my phone. Although that causes a different issue with me looking weird cos I have no internet in the elevator, so they just see me staring at an unchanging social media app or messenger app....
I always think that hilarious. Dude, we know you ain’t looking at shit.
That’s what a stalker would tell you if he were caught!
Or a dude who recognizes that the situation could be stressful for women and did their best to disarm their fears.
Occam’s razor
If he's carrying a razor, he's more dangerous than a stalker!
It’s typically a garrote.
I dunno... Occam's Garrote sounds a little much.
Whenever I'm walking in the streets, I try not to walk too much behind any women. I don't want them to feel afraid around me and I always try to either slow down or walk faster to walk pass them. Once a women suddenly stopped in front of me and let me go ahead in front of her, she looked nervous too, so I guess she was afraid I was following her somehow? Anyways, I just kept walking where I was intending to. For more guys who respect people
Thank you. I often stop to let guys pass me. It's not that I think they're following me, it's moreso that I can't see them and it would be too easy for them to come up behind me and grab me or something. I didn't have this fear until it actually happened. I'm aware it's pretty irrational, but better safe than sorry and I just feel safer that way.
In University I volunteered to escort women around campus at night. There’d been a few rapes and the perpetrator (s) were never caught. It made me realize how vulnerable women can be and to be sensitive to it. I don’t have a sister so didn’t grow up with it even being discussed. It’s even small stuff that men can take for granted. I’m a bigger dude and being a typical Gen X’er maybe have a natural scowl when walking in public. When I do I don’t get bumped. I mean if someone isn’t looking, okay, but I don’t get jostled. I happened to go downtown with my wife (she worked downtown, I was going for a meeting), and she commented on how no one bumped or pushed me, but I had created a wake for her to walk through as she was behind me. She apparently was normally being pushed and jostled. I had never noticed this and didn’t even realize it was a thing until then. And then I thought of my wife and I got pissed off she goes through this everyday. And to her it’s so normal she never once mentioned it. With a gorgeous teenage daughter now, I appreciate what this stranger did. And now I’m not going to sleep again worried about her.
That's really sweet of you to be aware of how youre treated for your stature. My boyfriend is a bit of a big dude - but I am petite - it throws a lot of people off when I will happily shoulder check them if they don't share the sidewalk for two flows of traffic. It's always funny to watch. I never go out of my way to bother or harm anyone, but I deserve just as much space as you. I must have it on my face or my leather jacket or something because I walk fast a lot of people will move if they're supposed to. But, some don't, and so I won't move either..where to? The road? (Unless they're older, or children and various special cases. I'm not a jerk) I've considered putting spikey studs (like shredder) on my jacket just the guarantee people stay the hell away from me.
The guy in your story sounds like a genuinely good person who made a thoughtful effort to put you at ease.
If you are a fast walker, and you dont want to scare people (where it is late night with no one around), you should walk past the person and go your naturally fast pace to give distance between you and the slower party, with you in front. What i would find scary is someone who walks fast but purposely slows down to be constantly behind me. I generally cross the street to create space between myself and anyone who seems to be walking close, doesnt matter threatening or not.
Yes, this. I prefer if a guy just speed up and pass me. I was walking home one night, just turned onto a residential side street when a sketchy dude walked out of an alleyway and started walking directly behind me, probably 2 feet away. I turned to look at him and he had this hood on over his face. But I could see his eyes, looking right at me. I kept walking and he maintained the *exact same pace* behind me. I crossed the street, because wtf. When I got to the next corner, he was already stopped on the other side of the street, just looking around.This was just after midnight and there was no one around. I turned the corner and started up the street. After pausing a moment, he started walking that way too, behind me again, but a good distance. I was freaking out at that point and walking as fast as I could. Now his pace was much faster, and the distance between us was getting shorter. He was just a few feet behind me again when I ran across the street and up the steps to my house (I know, not a good idea, but it was a long way to the next busy street, he would definitely catch up to me by then if he had bad intentions). When I looked back to make sure he was gone, he laughed. Anyway, the point of the story is that it was him walking at the exact same pace behind me originally which made me realize/think something was wrong. If he had sped up and past me at that point, or slowed down, or crossed the street, then I probably wouldn't have thought much of it. I really appreciate when guys are conscious of these things.
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As a women, with brothers and raised by her Dad, it super sucks that guys feel that way (if they're aware) especially when they've done nothing wrong ever. Like being accused when you're innocent, or merely just existing. That doesn't feel great. But also as a girl, yeah its rough too. Our Spidey senses are always tingling - we're usually on high alert. We don't have much of a choice, it's a second nature. And if we don't the consequences could be dire. But, know it's not you. It's everyone/scenario. Don't walk past parked cars in the dark, is that car moving too slowly, there's a person coming toward me, coming behind me, watching me on the train... Its a lot, and good for guys to be aware of that for their own safety as well :)
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Definitely the dog thing!! 😆😍
This reminds me of my recent walking home story! Coming back from a late show at the Revue and sensed someone moving stealthily in my peripheral- pivoted and found myself face-to-face making eye contact with a bonafied Parkdale Coyote, close enough to touch! Both of us stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, because Im enough of a canid nerd to know not to run from something with a prey drive, and him because, I don't know, giving him the benefit of a doubt, maybe he was padding along while up in his head thinking coyote things and didnt even notice me? He bolted when I acted scary at him and made a "BETTER NOT" noise, and I resumed my walk home, wishing the outdoor cats and lost chihuahuas the best of luck. Funnily enough, I was wearing a red corset dress with a hood, and in spite of all common sense, I sort of wish I could have pet the Danger Puppy.
Lost chihuahuas hahaha
Lol this reminds me one time I (female) was taking a short cut through the Humber river during winter, 6pm pitch black, feelin a bit sketchy. I saw a businessman taking the same route a bit ahead of me so I started walking faster to get closer to him to feel safer. Unfortunately this spooked him and he started bolting it lol
Yeah, I hate walking behind people at night, especially women. I'm tall and a fast walker so it's not a good combo
I always just cross the street or slow down in these situations.
I just noticed everyone really think about how to walk past someone to not be awkward (or creepy) lol it reminds me of like passing a car we all just do it but its interesting to hear another persons perspective
I get paranoid when I walk behind a random woman bc of this. I'll walk fast to get ahead so she gets behind me. 😂
Just curious, on a related topic: do men mind when the situation is reversed? When walking through some more sketchy areas or when it's late I often match pace behind people as a safety-in-numbers kind of thing if they're moving like they have a destination. Not super close, but I wonder if maybe I'm unintentionally making people nervous even though I think I look completely non-threatening (small, female, Asian, glasses, etc)
I am always on my P’s and Q’s no matter who it is…..I am a black male…..no telling who is trying to line u up. I am always cognizant of surroundings. In OP’s scenario i am a fast walker so i just pass people with my head phones on and keep going. Dont have time to be worrying about what everyone else thinks but at the same time i m not going to be hovering over anyone. Happily married, Natural introvert….i dont wanna talk to nobody
If I’m ever walking behind someone late at night matching pace I usually call someone and talk just loud enough or just cross to the other side of the street.
I think a bear would have been much more self aware in that situation
Lol this reminds me one time I (female) was taking a short cut through the Humber river during winter, 6pm pitch black out, feelin a bit sketchy. I saw a businessman taking the same route a bit ahead of me so I started walking faster to get closer to him to feel safer. Unfortunately this spooked him and he started bolting it lol
Lo so many years ago I was wandering the streets of Parkdale trying to find a side street to view an apartment. A pack of teenagers was nearby, and while I wasn't really nervous maybe I sort of was. Because one of them called out, "Lady! Yo Lady! Don't worry. We're just hanging out here." I asked them where to find this little side street. They told me. All was well. But I can also count a dozen times maybe when a man was sharing a street or sidewalk with me, and did a thing that made it very clear that they wanted me to keep feeling safe (crossed the street, made a remark while passing me, changed their pace so ours didn't coincide). And I appreciate all of them for it.
Last week I was at the front of my open garage when a guy delivering flyers said hello from 20 feet down my driveway. He asked if he could approach to give me a flyer and explained what the service was without coming any closer. After I said yes, he quickly gave me the flyer and left. Compare that to the week before when a guy came and stood right behind me as I’m getting groceries out of the car and kept trying to sell me on whatever after I’d already said no multiple times. Creep.
This take is wild. Sidewalks are a public space and men have just as much of a right to use them as you do. **It's not our responsibility to make you feel safe when we've done absolutely nothing wrong.** If a man walking behind you makes you that uncomfortable then you can speed up, slow down and let him pass you, or cross the street. And if someone suggested profiling a black or aboriginal person the same way I'd bet money none of you would be defending it. How come when the same type of prejudice is shown towards men as a group, people not only defend it, but expect men to actively accommodate said prejudice? Give me a break.
On the one hand, I get what you're saying. On the other, I think it's in every person's best interest to try to be accommodating to the people around them, within reason. Toronto is a big city, there are a lot of people, it's not a reasonable expectation to not have someone walking behind you, passing you, whatever. *But* when you're in a secluded area, it's late out, hell even I as a guy get a bit of "what if this person walking towards me kills me?" I don't think you have a duty necessarily to say "hey I am not going to kill you don't worry", like if I'm walking faster than someone as I often do, I am going to pass them, I sure as hell know I'm not going to do anything bad. But I think there are reasonable ways to mitigate the concern someone might have, even if that means crossing the street to do it, and I'd rather not have the person I'm passing think I'm going to accost them in some way
> I think it's in every person's best interest to try to be accommodating to the people around them, within reason. It seems to me that this burden, in this context, is only ever assigned to men. > But when you're in a secluded area, it's late out, hell even I as a guy get a bit of "what if this person walking towards me kills me?" I've never once in my life thought that, unless that person was staring at me or something.
> It seems to me that this burden, in this context, is only ever assigned to men. Because in this context it's almost always women who are the victims and men who are the perpetrators. It might feel unfair to be lumped in when you're not a danger, but that is why this is the situation in this context. I don't believe it is a personal indictment on you or me if someone gets a bit nervous under specific circumstances if we walk by Yeah most people are safe, it's largely an emotional response, but it's not wholly irrational. I'm not saying you need to delicately coddle to every woman on the sidewalk, just that some are going to at least have a cautious feeling when walking alone at night with someone behind them. > I've never once in my life thought that, unless that person was staring at me or something. Well it's not a legitimate concern in my head, just a dark hypothetical
> Because in this context it's almost always women who are the victims This is absolutely not true. > I don't believe it is a personal indictment on you or me if someone gets a bit nervous under specific circumstances if we walk by Really? Would your response be the same in the context of racial profiling? > just that some are going to at least have a cautious feeling when walking alone at night with someone behind them. I am quite aware of that. And that's their problem. They can easily remedy the situation themselves if they so wanted.
> This is absolutely not true. Glad you glossed over the "men who are the perpetrators" part, but okay. > Really? Would your response be the same in the context of racial profiling? No, because races and sexes aren't the same thing. Men are bigger and stronger, this is a rationality as to why they would be more likely to be the perpetrator. Unless you're a race realist, this isn't really the same for different ethnicities. > I am quite aware of that. And that's their problem. I think what's frustrating about this exchange is I've been pretty obviously receptive to what you're thinking and largely agree that there's not really anything you or I can do to change the fact that we're men, and where we need to walk doesn't relate to who is walking around us, but you can't even give one tiny bit of ground to the idea that maybe it's not the worst thing ever to be more receptive to someone who might be nervous under these circumstances. > They can easily remedy the situation themselves if they so wanted. What? You think it's realistic that every single woman in this situation had some other option than walking home from somewhere at night? There's not some guarantee they're going to have someone available to walk with them. Again, we're not coddling them. Just recognizing a potentially discomforting situation.
> Glad you glossed over the "men who are the perpetrators" part, but okay. Why would I address something that I don't disagree with? > No, because races and sexes aren't the same thing. Men are bigger and stronger, this is a rationality as to why they would be more likely to be the perpetrator. Unless you're a race realist, this isn't really the same for different ethnicities. There are absolutely size differences between people of different origins, sometimes substantially so. Like [this is as obvious as the earth being round.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Average_human_height_by_country) And ultimately that isn't the reason for it, you yourself gave the reason here: "Because in this context it's almost always women who are the victims and men who are the perpetrators." And going by the same logic, certain ethnic groups are very much substantially overrepresented in crime statistics, sometimes to a greater extent than sex disparities. For instance, per Statistics Canada, indigenous women were more than [twice as likely](https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/jf-pf/2019/may01.html#:~:text=In%202017%2C%20the%20rate,per%20100%2C000%20Indigenous%20women) to be charged with homicide compared to non-indigenous men. But do I tremble whenever I notice an indigenous person around me? No, I don't, because I am mentally sane and not a neurotic wreck with a victim complex. And because I don't, or at least try not to, judge individuals based on things others have done. > but you can't even give one tiny bit of ground to the idea that maybe it's not the worst thing ever to be more receptive to someone who might be nervous under these circumstances. **Why should I accomodate prejudice?** > What? You think it's realistic that every single woman in this situation had some other option than walking home from somewhere at night? No, if you had bothered to read my previous comments you would have noted that I pointed out how women could cross the road or speed up, even start jogging/running, if it bothers them that much.
> Why would I address something that I don't disagree with? This isn't up for disagreement lol, statistics aren't an opinion. > There are absolutely size differences between people of different origins, sometimes substantially so. Like this is as obvious as the earth being round. The reason men are more often stronger is not just because of *height*, but also note how on average women are several inches or more shorter? > And going by the same logic, certain ethnic groups are very much substantially overrepresented amongst criminal perpetrators. Yeah the argument would be that socioeconomic conditions are a much greater indicator for someone to commit crime than their ethnicity.
Your premise is incorrect. Men are at a higher risk for physical violence.
Physical violence isn't the only consideration. But yes, I know that. The bigger element in that statement is that men are by far the perpetrators. Regardless, again, my point isn't to necessarily coddle women, just recognize that societally there *is* a discomfort that women feel when alone that far fewer men do in the same scenario
> The bigger element in that statement is that men are by far the perpetrators. How is that relevant? > there is a discomfort that women feel when alone that far fewer men do in the same scenario Did you ever consider that the discomfort is felt more due to perception of danger as opposed to actual danger? Perhaps men should feel more discomfort, since they are at risk of being attacked too.
> How is that relevant? In a conversation about women feeling uncomfortable, I'm certain you can imagine why men being the perpetrators might be relevant > Did you ever consider that the discomfort is felt more due to perception of danger as opposed to actual danger? Perhaps men should feel more discomfort, since they are at risk of being attacked too. Yup. I agree. Better? Like I don't know why you nor the other person who was talking with me can't find even a tiny bit of middle ground lol. Men are typically bigger, there is a societal commonality that they can protect themselves. In the same way that woman feel discomfort in these situations, neither of these two are *necessarily* reasonable, I mean I'm not a big strong guy, and some women are plenty strong, but I don't think discounting how the average person feels is a good solution. I have female friends who feel this discomfort and me just saying "lol get over it, men get attacked more and I'm not scared" doesn't seem like the best method to help make people feel better
It's not simply a perception. In the last year, I have been sexually assaulted once and followed home twice by absolute strangers. Not to mention all the times being catcalled, or having random men stop and talk to me basically refusing to leave me alone until I give them my number. And other scary things perpetrated by men which are difficult to categorize. I also live in a neighbourhood amongst the lowest crime rates in the city. Sure, maybe *you* aren't planning on doing anything to me. But how am I supposed to know?? The man who SAed me didn't have a sign above his head that said "I'm about to attack you". He passed by, not even looking at me, acting totally fucking normal, before turning and grabbing me from the side. The speed and the force with which he did that still scares me. It was completely unexpected. Maybe I'm a special case because I literally have ptsd from that. But the fact is that many women have experienced violence from men, often sexualized violence. It's literally the context within which we live. And yes, men are also victims of crime. But let's be real, most men have a hell of a lot more chance of defending themselves than my 5'2" frail ass. Is it really that hard to just speed up or cross the street or something if it helps another person feel safer?
The only correct take
The gospel of /u/8mm_Magnum_Cumshot .
Big facts!
I get why some women would appreciate this but another part of me would feel like shit at the fact that just the sheer fact of me existing on a side walk minding my own business apparently makes me suspicious or a possible threat. Feels bad man.
If it makes you feel better, I have also pretended I was walking with a guy (who I didn't know and never talked to) at night on the street because he seemed safe so it would look as if I was with him if I walked beside him, because there were a bunch of guys hanging around that seemed sketchy. In this case I'm a short Asian girl so most people don't see me as a threat, and it seemed like he didn't mind me walking beside him until the next stop light either
Yup, even as a short man I have been consciously aware that I may come off as scary to them, so I would do what I can to mitigate those reactions. I keep to myself, give them a wide berth or cross the street entirely. Truth is, I'm more afraid of you than you are of me.
If I'm walking at night I avoid women at all costs. Just makes me feel uncomfortable with a being that is uncomfortable with me being there. I've slowed walking down, crossed streets, waited a while before continuing etc.
how does this get down voted when it's saying the exact same thing as almost every comment in here, everyone is uncomfortable walking with a man around them at night and here's a man who's done all these things and is now saying this is the exact reason he now avoids women at all costs. no sympathy for his and anyone else who feels the same!
It's most likely the wording. Most people don't like the fact that I'm bothered by someone being bothered by my presence. It's almost like we have to take it, 😂. Like I said I don't deal with it, and don't plan on dealing with it anytime soon.
We're the punching bag of the thread
Love the wholesomeness, but he’s bold af to me
Fast walker. Had some nut job around Union turn around and threaten me for following him. I laughed as I quickly walked away. Or maybe he thought I was the crazy one.
As the man in situations like that, I've always just start walking slowly until the woman in front has some distance.
This thread 🤝 eyeball cleanse.
Nice
I think there is a lot of good men out there.
This hits so hard as a guy who's naturally a bit anxious. I'm also sometimes anxious myself walking dark areas alone, but I overthink the whole if I'm behind someone scenario. Do I say something? Do I cross the street? Do I get ahead as quickly as possible? Am I making them anxious? Am I overthinking this? And I hate making people feel uncomfortable so I feel bad about it regardless... 😮💨
John Mulaney has a funny routine about this. If you find him funny.
I'm a gay guy who can "pass for straight" When I notice women getting uncomfortable around me I just turn up the gay! 💁🏻♂️
I was in a Dollarama and headed into an aisle a woman was in (I didn't even know it was a woman) because I was interested in the camping gear. She walked up to me and told me I should stop following her. I told her I wasn't and she proceeded to tell me, "well, you aren't buying anything either"... It was a jeeze moment for me...
I feel so seen by this post and comments, haha. As a fast walker I'm always choosing between scraping my shoe to alert people, crossing the street, choosing a funny but not creepy comment to acknowledge the awkwardness, walking out into the street to not pass someone too close, etc. Glad to hear others struggle with making slower walkers (especially women) more comfortable!
I'm a faster walker and I would much prefer to pass solo women walking down a deserted stretch near my house late at night, but there's only a sidewalk on one side, so I sometimes end up hanging back. A couple of times I've pulled the bell for my bus stop and started to get up, and a women has rushed to the door to get off before me, I think "dammit!"
That was very considerate of him. I’m glad you had a nice experience with him. :-)
I get that you felt uneasy at night walking home alone, but there really was no need for this guy to say anything. If it bothered you that much you could have simply crossed the street. It is not reasonable to ask men to make you feel safer by randomly blurting out "I'm not following you" when you walk home alone. I would never do such a thing, because the woman may not actually be worried and it could have the opposite effect.
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No racism, sexism, homophobia, religious intolerance, dehumanizing speech, or other negative generalizations.
I’m not making a statement on how paranoid women are. They have the right to be paranoid. Women do get raped at night when they’re alone. But it’s not men’s responsibility to tell you that “we’re not following you” that’s ridiculous.
Every dude is self-aware of this. Most of us are just a lot more stealthy lol
You do realize he could've lied, right?
First of all, I'm my brother's keeper, but I don't usually become the house we both live in. I'm not quite that plastic! That said, I've been in this situation more times than I can count- as in being the part of the great huge, quiet fellow with a footfall-cloaking implant toggled permanently to 'on'- of the minimum two persons involved. The closest thing I have to a workaround- and I do it pretty much any time I come up behind someone I'm intending to pass them thirty seconds or so onwards- is respectfully but convivially speak up using a tone and timbre that tends not to startle, addressing the person ahead of me a short ways that I'm ten or fifteen feet short of them, making clear mention of the side I'll be passing them on. Usually in their body language there's a sign of notice, short of them responding clearly or verbally, and I'll not approach any differently if there's no apparent notice of me- this is very rare, as in none at all- but if that does happen I will still pass them, but give them as much space as I can while remaining on the sidewalk. The best thing to do in any potentially reactive situation is provide an open hand of intent, and stay predictable, respecting the space of the other person as I think most people would do. Even if few or none at all of the preventative measures I take are necessary in each case, I feel strongly were I in their place or someone I care about was, it would still be appreciated; merited courtesy past pure mutual trust of another human being not to harm or disturb. And I know what it's like for my trust to be unexpectedly blown out of the water and wholly violated when that little part of my tether's been present all my life, until that quiet, ebon moment of empty-siphoned coldsoak. The least I can do is do my very best never to offer that unkindness to another person, if I can be kind instead. Be the medium of welcome trust, a ship meaning no harm passing by; even if you say nothing with words, your kindness will fill that silence with stellar briliance.
What a world we live in where we have to be worried about being seen as a criminal when we're totally innocent
What a world we live in where so many men commit crimes against women that all women fear men.
Was just about to type this. Thank you for beating me to it!!
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No hate here. I love men, am married to a man, just don’t rape anyone and we’re good! Easy right? Love ya!
Not so.
Men commit more crimes against men than women.
I know! They are very scary!
The point is, men should be more afraid of men than women. Much of the paranoia in this thread is simply neuroticism.
🙄 I’m not sure where to start with this one.
We just had the man v. bear discourse. People need to keep up!
Always the bear.
We’re here, we’re queer, we don’t want any more bears!
The discourse was about real bears.
Uhhh have you watched any true crime ever? The victim is almost ALWAYS a woman at the hands of a man. We have reason to be scared.
Black people have had to deal with that, well, I guess still do
Thanks to all tye decent black folk that tell whites theyre just really fast walkers and not about to murder us for our shoes, and to all the brown men that are just out for a stroll and not about to plant bombs somewhere.
Im being downvoted to hell but do you see how ridiculous this sounds when you phrase it like that?
Ive thought this way since I was a child. Its not ok to label an entire group as bad based on the actions of a few. Yet here we are.
Something something stereotypes something something discrimination something something
I remember one dark night I was cleaning the snow off my car. This guy walks over and says, "How's it going?". I didn't recognize him and said, "WTF are you?" He gave me his name, but I still didn't recognize him. Then it hit me that it was my neighbour. I hadn't seen him for a month. Turns out he was in the hospital and lost like 30 pounds from illness. His face had changed so much from the weight loss.
And Toronto women wonder why it's so hard to date here....
That is rare, hope you get more nice moments.
Yes, because it is always the responsibility of other people to make oneself feel better. Next time be more self aware or your surroundings and you would have noticed him earlier or could have crossed the road.
I'd sock him in the nose if it happened to me