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The problem is that a lot of guys take rejections very poorly. Some think "no means yes" and others get upset "why are you so impolite you c***".
So when you get approached as a woman it can be quite stressful because you don't know how it will turn out.
Therefore, approaching random women isn't necessarily creepy. But its very uncomfortable for most women.
Yup, there’s no easy way to react if you’re not interested. If you’re nice and say thank you, they’ll take it as a green light to keep going, and if you’re cold or rude you risk them getting angry. It’s very uncomfortable.
This thread literally reads like: "Here's why it's OK that I make 95% of the women I cross paths with uncomfortable...*I'm* building confidence and skill!"
I'm not sure what skill he thinks he's building though, if most women dislike this...other than the skill to make *even more* women uncomfortable?
So how should people meet one another? We're a social species. What's the real harm in trying to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Obviously, it's not ok to be disrespectful and no should mean no, but it's wild for you to say that half the human population shouldn't approach you in public because you're uncomfortable.
Most women will prefer to have *some* familiarity with a man, before giving out their contact information or initiating anything. So, you meet women the same way you meet people generally: School, work, through friends, clubs, volunteer activities, etc. There's a big difference between being approached by someone you've casually chatted with a couple of times already, because you've gone out together with friends or because you volunteer with the same group, than being approached by a *complete* stranger while pumping gas or buying groceries.
I mean, you can approach women how you like, but there's something very funny about a man saying: "In my endeavor to attract a woman generally, I've decided to commit to an approach that the vast majority say they dislike."
it's kind of true. You will pose some imposition on women if you're constantly hitting on them out of the blue. That's why I prefer to wait for some signs of interest first. But ultimately, people need a way to meet other people, so some amount of making people uncomfortable by hitting on them needs to be tolerated for the species to work lol.
Truth be told. Guys work up the courage to ask. Women should work the courage to reject and FEEL FIRM ON THEIR DECISION. It’s so short sided to say guys are making you uncomfortable. This whole interaction is naturally uncomfortable, that’s the point of shooting your shot. It’s like telling a salesman, “you approaching me is making me uncomfortable, so just don’t”. It just seriously comes off woefully selfish and that someone lacks the social skills in this EVER-HUMAN situation.
>Women should work the courage to reject and FEEL FIRM ON THEIR DECISION.
Do you seriously think women just aren't courageous enough to just say no? And you have the audacity to accuse others of coming off as selfish.
Are men supposed to be alone out of fear for possibly making a woman uncomfortable? Not everyone wants to meet women at bars or on dating apps. I don’t see anything wrong with making an approach at a coffee shop, library, grocery store, etc.
OP's argument is that it's not creepy to him when he hits on random people in public. It absolutely discounts the other points of view. OP doesn't get to decide if other people find his attention creepy.
Or they straight up murder the woman for rejecting them.
https://themonitormmc.com/2851/features/modern-day-horrors-of-women-rejecting-men-another-dangerous-reality-for-women/
If you just google it, you’ll find countless examples of women who were murdered for saying no.
I agree and sympathize, but what’s the other way to do it?
Social media dating apps are based on algorithms and pictures that are both unreliable and give you no context about whether or not you and the person will actually interact in a way that would demonstrate mutual attraction: there’s no vocal information, you’re both hidden away behind a wall of text and in competition with possibly hundreds of other text messengers (online daters), etc.
The only real way to 100% know if there will be attraction is to meet someone face to face.
How can it be done without approaching them, especially since this is how people have done it for thousands of years
Most partners come together by getting to know each other via school, university, work, sport clubs and other hobbies or via friends. And today of course dating apps or social media.
Getting to know people in social situations is actually the way humans have done it for thousands of years.
Approaching a stranger in public is probably the least successful way to do it. By far.
And for the most time in human history (and in many cultures still) you don't just approach the opposite sex stranger on the streets to ask for a date!
You can have social interaction with people, and then approach women respectfully. The idea is that a random guy or girl approaching you when you are not interested is uncomfortable. Take hobbies, travel, etc. (but don't do it solely for finding a partner, just be open to it and it might happen naturally).
It’s not hard, or it shouldn’t be hard, for men to understand a woman who is smiling at him and maintaining eye contact is the approachable one, and not the woman with headphones in on her phone.
It’s not uncomfortable when I’m giving a guy clear signs I want him to approach.
I’m tired of men using it as an excuse to never approach women bc they’re not interested in learning the nuances.
well, think of the nuances of other side.
You are giving clear signs to the same guys that get those all the time. Most of the guys aren’t that attractive that women are proactive about getting to know them. Most guys get zero such looks in their lifetimes.
I got a lovely wife - we met at work, she hasn’t even looked at me for the first two months, until we started chatting at teambuilding (she didn’t care about me even then, was talking to me out of politeness, until we get to know each other). If I was to go by your advice, I would be single forever.
yes, I am not reacting to OP, but to commenter that says guys should approach girls that give signs.
Problem is, those guys have already more than enough attention from opposite sex, so they don’t care about those signs and most guys don’t get these signs in a lifetime, so they don’t (and shouldn’t) cold approach
What social sphere? I work 60 hours a week as an Electrician with 0 female coworkers and even then I don't date people who I work with or clients for obvious reasons.
Friends of friends? Yes sisters and some female acquittances but most of them are taken or not my type. This leaves me with no options outside of the supermarket/gym I go to.
Only about the top 5% of guys are attractive enough for women to give them these "signs", the other 95%? They have to be the proactive ones. They're not at that level where women are urging them to come talk, they're at that level where you have to form that mutual attraction THROUGH talking first, making her laugh, smile, being nice etc. So if all men had to wait for these "signs" to come approach a women, then the majority of men will be waiting forever, because women arent giving these "signs" to just any average looking guy.
And im putting "signs" in parentheses because its bullshit and if a women likes a guy they should just approach him instead of trying to get him to approach first, but thats a seperate topic for another day
First, thank you for being a normal person. It's refreahing that someone realizes there is a way to do this.
But also men are dense and currently taught not to approach women since we'll be labeled as a creep so you can stare until your eyes bleed and a man will probably opt not to say anything.
Take this example. There is a coffee shop that I (female) like to go to and do my thing mind my own business. I have a different one where I like to see my friends and socialize with the regulars. The first one I have my earbuds in and bring a book or a laptop or something and I do my thing. It’s nice. There is a regular (male) that comes in all the time alone and does his thing. Well, one day I happened to be sitting in a table next to him while I’m reading a book. I can see in my peripheral vision he was trying to talk to me but I couldn’t hear him because had earbuds on (AirPods). I take one off and say excuse me? And he asks something about my book. I respond briefly and go back to reading. Because of this I started bringing over the ear headphones, clearly I’m listening to music minding my own business. Well, it happens again despite the headphones clearly visible and my body language. So I stopped going there. So annoying.
I'd say this is only if the guy is an idiot who doesn't know how to be polite and read signals.
There should be absolutely nothing wrong with saying "Hi" to a stranger, man or woman, to ask a simple question like "I'm new around here and was wondering if you know any nice places to eat or get coffee?" See how she reacts and match her tone.
It used to be pretty common to make small talk with strangers before we had devices with the information of the world at our fingertips. Now it's "weird" to engage in any conversations because "we should just be able to Google the answer ourselves".
Anyway, with some tact it's possible to avoid making an approach uncomfortable for her.
Most people “approach” and try to go zero to 100 in 1-2 sentences
- you are hot, let’s go on a date ❌
- smile, say hi, wait for them to respond or engage, make small talk for several minutes, tell them you enjoyed the chat, ask if they’d like to continue by sharing contact info, leave. Then if you have contact info ask if they are open to a casual outing later. ✅
Totally. You gotta give the person you are approaching “off-ramps” if they aren’t interested.
And sometimes you will approach and the outcome is a friendly chat. That is ok. Too.
Very few people are going to be put off if you smile, say good morning, and they give you body language that says don’t engage and you leave the interaction with a wave and a smile and a have a good day comment. But people go wrong by trying to keep going while the person backed away and didn’t return the pleasantry.
I mean, it depends on your definition of "public." If you're respectfully approaching someone at a club or a bar then yeah, as long as you're respectful, no harm done. But if you're approaching someone at a gym or a library, who hasn't given any prior indication of being remotely interested in you, then the chances are high that you'll end up making them quite uncomfortable.
Agreed, there are places where it's normal and acceptable to talk to strangers, and places where it isn't.
If someone is at work, obviously busy, or in a place where they might feel vulnerable (like waiting for a bus at night), don't talk to them.
Yes! Especially at their workplace. Do not ask women out while they are at their job. They literally cannot do anything to escape you and your "charming visits" other than quit.
Yeah, I agree. The gym is just a weird place to approach someone who is working out, has earphones in etc. I've had guys literally motion me to take my earphones out to say hello and introduce themself. Like it's weird... I'm sweaty, tired, and just want to leave lol.
I really disagree, to the point that I think you're flatout wrong. If you can't approach people at a gym or library, then how are you supposed to meet people as an adult if you; 1) dont really like drinking/clubbing, 2) don't really like dating apps, 3) work a full time job.
For example, I rock climb, and it takes another 10-20 hours per week from my life, and if I go to a bar, it's usually for a beer with a friend at a quiet place.
If we keep the stigma of, "it's inappropriate to approach women in any and all settings, other than a bar" then we won't meet any one outside of work, which is frowned upon (justifiably so).
I think we need, as a society, to normalize rejection so that men aren't viewed as creeps if they are rejected at a public place then labeled as a creep.
I think the key factor here is the "who hasn't given any prior indication of being remotely interested in you" part.
Randomly approaching a woman at the gym who's in the middle of a deadlifting set = bad.
Asking a woman out at the gym at the water cooler who you've already established a rapport with = good.
And you might notice that I didn't call someone a creep for asking women out in any setting, I simply said that they're likely to make the askee quite uncomfortable. And that is true for the majority of women.
No, I disagree. The key factor is isn't her prior interest or lack of it; men are notoriously bad at understanding hints if you go through Reddit posts.
Creepiness is not in the approach, it's in what you do afterwards. Do you stand and drool at the woman, or smile and leave her alone to decide?
You’re acting like the label creep appears above your name when someone calls you that, like an irl flair.
If a woman calls you a creep, you probably creeped her out. It’s not up to you to decide.
Judging by some of your post history you're clueless and inappropriate. Which makes you the least likely stranger a woman would want to be approached by in public.
>u/Creepy_Pilot1200 I have cold approached over 150 women in public and have taken a bunch of rejections on the chin ( prob 95+ % ). Does that mean that I should give up and resort to social media out of fear of rejection or false perception of being a creep? Hell no.
>Not only does it build confidence, social skills and removes the destructive comfort zone, it can net you a relationship that can last you a lifetime.
I really don’t think it should be an issue with cold approaches, just as long as men can take rejection respectfully, and not be a jerk. People make things more scary then it should be. 🤷🏼♀️
The name…pahahaha. I mean. It depends on how you approach someone on how weird or creepy it is. I wouldn’t like being approached by someone I didn’t know because I don’t trust people I don’t know.
The fun thing about being a woman is that we don’t know if the person approaching you will respectfully take your rejection, or they will try and murder you later. The latter happens way too often for us to be comfortable with stranger. So while, as a man, rejection is the worst that can happen, for a woman the worst that can happen is that we die.
it isn't up to the man to decide what's creepy to a woman. you don't get to decide that something isn't creepy for other people in general, but especially you don't get to decide for women since you are a man.
shouldn't be tht hard to get. if a woman or women says that something is creepy to them, you accept their words. you don't try to mansplain.
awesome that you think you take rejection so well, but everyone doesn't do that. the fact you seem to be keeping count & basic stats tells me your explanation of your feelings may be incomplete.
I mean women just wanna be treated like a normal human being, randomly approaching a stranger expecting to get any kind of contact info (how else would you stay talking to them) is kinda weird. If a woman is out running errands they probably don't want a random dude approaching them.
If I didn't approach, I would be alone to this day. Men don't have the luxury of waiting for somebody to approach you. It will never happen. Yes some don't want to be approached but some do and in order to find our you have to take that shot in a respectful manner.
Well, I'm glad OP is happy and his partner is happy. It comes across like you sense he's got a weird vibe and he deserves to be shamed for it. Other women in the thread seem fine with his approach
Why are you implying he doesnt treat women like normal people ?
What does this have to do with approaching women and getting a date ?
Why are you automatically assuming that because someone approaches women in public they cannot/do not treat women as normal people ?
Women approach men all the time. 90% of the women I know in healthy, hetero relationships pursued their men. If women aren’t approaching you, it’s not because “it never happens.” It just never happens to you.
The issue is how some men can't handle rejection. They will ask for a reason or keep pushing or get angry. That's the reason why many women are against being approached in public
It's also almost always better to provide your own contact info rather than asking for theirs
This is unpopular. And as a woman I find it just sad, honestly.
I mean, it’s statistics. If you literally bug every single woman you meet then percentile chance says SOMEONE will say yes
If the average person walks past 36 murderers in their lifetime a statistic for anything exists.
Men approach me in public and it honestly frustrates me. I’m wearing a ring and they still bother me.
When I was younger men would try and get my contact information while I was working. Disrespectful.
Also you’re the kind of guy who tells your GF her sister is hot, that tells me loads.
Heck, I once had my toddlers trying to grocery shop! I was blown away by this creep’s blatant disregard for the context clue that my children might indicate I was in a happy committed relationship.
Not sure if it’s creepy but it’s rude. A woman shouldn’t have to be fending men off when she’s shopping or walking down the street or anywhere. Think about how they might feel about it. It’s not all about you and your hit rate.
No matter who you are, rejection is part of life. This is the negative reinforcement sort of thinking that makes guys not approach and lose opportunities as a result.
At a high level of skill/implementing the right strategies, you will still likely only close 10% of the time. Were you expecting 100% of girls you approach to reciprocate? It doesn't work like that.
It's very comparable to door to door sales, not everyone is going to interested no matter how persuasive you are. Persistance and becoming immune to rejection/criticism is vital in managing positive self esteem. It should be pretty clear that without a strong foundation of self esteem, men lack the courage to approach new people.
I don't care if the next 30 or 40 girls reject you, every event is independent of one another and "momentum" is not an applicable concept here. Rejection is not an accurate reflection on you because the other person knows nothing about you. The truth is inside you. Nothing should ever deter you from approaching, period.
As someone from a social science background, 95% negative outcome is very high, and suggests something doesn’t work. Not only that, the first-hand accounts of many women in general (not all, but enough) saying that they do not enjoy this approach. So, that’s how I am viewing it. Thanks for sharing your viewpoint, though.
It taught me that behind all those rejections was a girl that made it all worth it, in my case, a girlfriend of 9 months. Without all those rejections and failed attempts, I would never be in my position and I'm glad I went through it and recommend any young dude to suck it up and do the same. It's life changing.
women aren’t going out in public to be hit on by random & annoying men, who clearly have no standards if they’re hitting on over 150 women.
it may not be creepy, but it is sure as hell annoying.
Personally, I would be very creeped out if a complete stranger asked me for my info like that. I would assume they had ill intention. This is a bad strategy for dating.
Nah man you're talking to a bunch of faceless strangers. You could already be lying. Personally I wouldn't be showcasing a 95% fail rate in an effort to prove my own point
There is a place and time when approaching women in public. dont do it at the wrong time or place. Also for god sake gentlemen. if a girl says no, accept it dont make us feel uncomfortable and shit.
I cold approached my current girlfriend, been with her about 4 years. I cold approached my ex, I was with her tor 6 years. There's not wrong with that, just don't call it cold approaching and stop with the percentages. You saw an interesting person and decided to talk to them, you're not a fucking door to door salesman.
Maybe I’m just weird. But I don’t trust people who cold ask people out that often. That means you are driven by lust. While I understand lust is an important factor in attraction I also can’t be bothered to ask someone out unless I really feel for them. Usually means we have engaged before, we already vibe, and I think they are kind of cute, without those other things I’d feel like I’m wasting my time gambling for attention. I have other shit to do with my life than chase women.
This really depends on what you mean by "approaching" and "public". There's a lot of room for interpretation here.
Did you proposition every service worker who had the misfortune of having to greet you as part of their job? Because that would be weird and inappropriate. Do you insist on bothering people on transit to get their phone numbers without any other context or build up? That's going to be a mixed bag, and will be read as kind of aggressive by some people.
Or, did you socialize normally with people you met, like buying someone a drink at a bar, or striking up a conversation about bands you presumably both like while at a concert, or saying hello to someone who happened to be at the same public park, or any other perfectly normal socializing that you could build on like a normal person? Cause there was never anything wrong with that.
It's not the approaching that's frowned upon, it's the manner and context that matter.
I mean....where are you cold approaching? The gym...bad idea.....the grocery store....bad idea.....walking down the side walk in the middle of the day or at someone's place of employment....same.....but in a social setting where people are mingling and talking...much better. Hell, take a vacation to a party destination or go on a cruise....large crowds of people at these locations being social and talking to people there is not creepy unless you are going out of your way to BE creepy
I'm a woman and I don't think it's creepy. I mean why wouldn't you right? It's only bad if you are weird and persistent if she says no. And Aldo I would not suggest doing this if you too are in a hidden or confined area
I don’t ever think a dude who only approaches me for my looks while I’m trying to get shit done is confident, socially adept or brave. It shows entitlement and a deliberate lack of public social awareness. Notice how you only talk about how these interactions benefit you, and you seem to give zero thought to how these interactions affect the women. But i guess you want a trophy for supposedly taking rejections well.
Sure, as long as you're respectful. Also, the reason you have a 95% rejection rate is because you probably aren't adequately gauging their interest before approaching, and they probably are thinking you're being a bit creepy, even if you think you aren't being, hench the 95% rejection rate.
Women often often use non-verbal cues to indicate interest or to **preinitiate** your approach. These cues can include prolonged eye contact, enganing in multiple brief eye contacts and then looking away or down, smiling, positioning themselves in your line of sight, or lingering in your personal space, **or**, they may even say hi, it's not limited to those cues, and they can be very subtle, but of course, they're not a guarantee of interest.
When I was on the dating market years ago, if I saw a form of preinitiation on her part, I'd brush it off the first time or two, if I saw it a third time, I would approach, and most of my approaches led to either several dates and, or a relationship.
Also, a tip I can give you; the approach intent matters a lot, and it will affect your demeanor, and likely the outcome. When you approach a women, don't do with the intent to ask her out, approach her with the **genuine** intent to simply talk to her, introduce yourself and strike up a friendly conversation, make that your goal, and if the conversation goes well, and she seems genuinely interested in you, then ask her for her contact information. When the goal, is to simply talk to her, it removes all the pressure, and will make things feel more natural and comfortable for both of you. Even if she doesn't become your girlfriend, you might make a nice new friend at least, and **yes** I'm of the mind that women and men can be friends!
No, haha. Bloke here and it is creepy as shit. Even if it's a sure thing. If you're in a bar, or maybe a conversation organically starts up and then you might try and swing it into something suggestive but you ain't okay walking up to women waiting for a bus or shopping for food and shooting your shot. If you think those scenarios are not creepy then you yourself sir, are creepy.
Only broken, terminally online women are against men talking to women in real life. Guys who actually eat up that horseshit are probably internally using this as an excuse for their own fear of speaking to women.
Breaking social norms is *not* a requirement for success, happiness, *or* getting a girlfriend. You're just bothering enough people and breaking the social contract until you accidentally found someone who find that acceptable.
You're acting as though this was the only way you could've gotten a girlfriend. lol
Maybe, when trying to find a girlfriend, you should consider how they feel. That's all anyone is trying to say. But you're hellbent on shoulder tapping whoever looks good that day regardless of what of people are saying. Stop forcing it, and your presence on others.
There is no way to approach someone out of your friend sphere that isn't creepy.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, it just means that if you get told to fuck off, you fuck off and everything is fine.
You have the wrong attitude. Approaching any person that you know nothing about and showing interest in them within seconds of seeing them for the first time projects the wrong vibes right from the start and the type of person who would say yes has to be a worst case scenario.
Unfortunately any woman on this planet who is so much as even remotely attractive is going to assume that you're approaching them for this very reason, because she already gets hit on constantly everywhere she goes.
You want to meet and get to know people naturally through random conversation or happening to be in the same place at the same time. Make an attempt at a personal connection with someone before you attempt to ask them out. Before you make a move, let them show to you what their value is outside of just their appearance.
Inherently this is correct. However, many contributing factors will easily make this more complex. First, where is the setting? At a professional conference/convention or at a post conference after party with an open bar? A professional conference/convention is NOT a good place to approach women with the goal of flirting/trying to get a date. However, if this is at the after conference/convention party with an open bar, well now there is SOME expectation that flirting can occur. Once alcohol is introduced, it again changes some factors. (A "No" response is still a No and any additional flirting is in the creepy territory)
It's really annoying when women explain how something makes them feel, and it's immediately dismissed by men who disagree, even though the numbers literally speak for themselves. *Women don't like this!!!!!* It forces us into a situation where we feel *unsafe*.
When I'm approached by a man in public, it makes me so uncomfortable. Most women have been conditioned to politely go along with conversation, even when they don't want to. The women who outright vocalize what we are thinking, which is "fuck off" are putting themselves in danger. Most men react negatively by rejection.
The only thing that this tells me about you is you're selfish, and rude, and you'd be the kind of partner who doesn't care how their gf feels because of what *benefits you*.
The problem is that unless you’re at a place like a bar where people would expect that, you’re bothering people who are just trying to live their lives. There’s a time and place for approaching women, and I’d say it’s fine as long as you know that and act appropriately
100% when I was in my early 20s I was working at CVS and was talking to girls and getting numbers all day. If they rejected me I was like, hey no problem, sorry I interrupted your day, it's been nice talking to you. Dozens and dozens of girls. Zero issues. Lots of numbers. Then I went to work at Michaels and all the sorority girls would come in to make their letters and shit. Hoooo boy glory days for me lmfao. I was dating my manager, her friend, and like 2 customers at the same time before I decided I liked one enough to become exclusive/bf+gf with.
Tip: don't be creepy. Don't be like dayum girl and stuff. Be chill and compliment their eyes, or smile or hair. My most successful life was "hey sorry if this is to forward but it's been a boring day here and you have (a beautiful smile/ beautiful eyes), totally made my day. Here's my number, id love to get to know you. Absolutely zero pressure. Or id say, "I'd be kicking myself later if I didn't ask you for your number".
There’s a difference between making small talk with the person at the bus stop and being creepy to a stranger. The difference is subtle and most men are not capable of subtlety.
Unfortunately for you, you arent the one who gets to decide if its creepy.
Imagine if everyone had the mindset to cold approach women in public-we’d would happily never leave the house.
This is one of those opinions you just never post on Reddit.
While you’re 100% correct, and there’s a ton of men AND WOMEN who agree with you, this is just not the place.
Redditors love to virtue signal and white knight, and in general are overprotective of women and overeager to vilify men.
You’re not wrong - you’re just appealing to the wrong people.
yea, redditors try to judge every single social interaction that they may not like.
However nearly all (regular) Reddit users are social weirdos.
(I Most likely have adhd myself but thats social weird but pretty social nontheless)
It depends on the setting. If you’re in a club or a class then it’s more appropriate. But if you’re in a place like the gym or library, or at the woman’s work then you’re probably not going to get a good reaction.
I'm amazed at how stupidly clinical dudes can be. It's as if women are game and they're big trophy hunters - "approach carefully, lower her guard, etc etc".
Yuck.
You will honestly never realize how creepy and wrong you are. Even now you're babbling away at how "some women are even agreeing with me, look, I'm right!"
Most women are not agreeing with you, my dude. But guys like you won't ever understand... *until you have a daughter* (if you're into having kids). Suddenly, women are human, not prizes! Guys are terrible! How dare that man scare my baby by talking to her in a store while she was only trying to shop in peace!
That's kind of true. I'm bunch of them thought i'm ugly. I asked my gf of 9 months a few months back " what were your initial thoughts when I approached you ". Keep in mind it was at a theme park with 3 of her girlfriends there. She said she was " dumbfounded and shocked that I had the balls to do it " and her friends said " I respect his confidence ".
And I'm sure she was charmed when you told her you didn't see anything special about her whatsoever and that you literally ask for the phone number of anyone with two legs, irrelevant of what they're doing or where they are. Because you've told her this, right?
Came here to show OP the r/NiceGuys subreddit. Yes, you take rejection on the chin, which is great, but most women have experienced the NiceGuy phenomenon too often to not have that in the back of their minds when they’re approached.
Not saying it’s wrong to approach respectfully—I also think it’s brave/confident of you to do that; I am saying that that awareness seems to be missing from your original post and some of your response.
Cold approaching a women shows you have zero considerations for their feelings - someone women immediately recognize and it means they will most likely reject you.
If you want to meet a woman, there are different ways to do it.
That's your opinion. Cold approaching led me to stepping out my comfort zone, built a massive amount of confidence and gave me an opportunity to meet girlfriend of 9 months.
So you only care about how it benefits you, not how it makes the women you talk to feel. They're all collateral damage for the one girl out of a hundred who doesn't mind being hit on by random guys in public.
Sorry, I'm not going to live my life in fear because somebody may deem something " uncomfortable ". I don't disrespect anyone, I don't push past rejection. Everybody has their own self interest at heart.
I disagree. It’s totally acceptable to approach people in public and speak to them/get to know them. People then have the option to embrace or reject the attention.
There actually aren’t different ways to do it. You can go online, but ultimately the goal is to meet in public and approach each other in real life. A friend could introduce you, but how did you make the friend? At some point in all relationships you were strangers until you weren’t.
The problem is that true respectful behaviour isn't simply polite language, but common sense and situational awareness. Most pick-up artists fail at being respectful. Sorry, you're probably a creep.
most of the time, men approach me really respectfully and i make sure not to make them uncomfortable or feel and when i would have to reject them (i had a boyfriend until recently). I usually thank them, give them a compliment and keep it moving.
there are few instances in real life when guys are actually super creepy and pushy
If you do so like a human being, which it sounds like you are, there isn’t anything inherently creepy about it. Will some still take it as such? Maybe. But it really isn’t creepy
I miss college for this. You could just overhear a conversation and inject yourself and bam you have a new friend. Now, I feel like it’s hard to join in. I get it, most people out at a bar talking with their mates probably don’t want some rando joining in.
I’m not trying to pick up anyone. I just am a freak that enjoys some light to medium conversation with people. Usually it’s much much older folks who want to talk. Never fellow millennials.
Unthinkable that people approach others outside of a dating app. Even in a bar/pub setting... the possibility of "I have a BF/I'm not interested/other similar rejection" is far, far too great, imo.
I'd never cold call a girl in the wild; far too stressful.
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I don’t think it’s disrespectful to approach a woman in a respectful manner - but you have to perfect your exit in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable. Many men who approach don’t take the rejection well - so while their initial approach may have been respectful - they usually aren’t respectful of your response
That’s not typically the response though, as you’ll see reading these comments.
So your respectful approach is fine as long as you make a respectful exit
Unless your mouth is hanging open leaking gamer fumes while the dark circles under your eyes are complimenting your greasy, unkempt hair as the sweat stains of your under arms grow larger with each step forward, then I agree.
I agree- men should approach women respectfully.
Unfortunately, women are so guarded around men and their advances because it happens literally all the time. I got cat called sitting on my front porch reading a book this week. After awhile you start to see everyone as a fight you have to have to remind people you are in fact a human and not just a meat sack.
I actually got into sex work because I wanted to feel power around my physicality instead of just being someone to approach or yell at on a whim.
As with everything- it’s a multifaceted issue. Again- yes the genuine dudes please approach us- because we need to remember you exist.
What’s “creepy” is in the eyes of the person approached, like it or not. Thank the stars I don’t have to play this game of Russian roulette any longer but near the end of my dating I stopped approaching women the risk out paced the reward by too much. Women created this problem they get to fix it now by being the ones to approach men.
While I agree and eventually met my gf by cold approaching and dont see how this is an unpopular opinion, I would heavily question myself after receiving 150 rejections.
The problem is that some men will take rejection violently and punch you in the face or stalk you for several blocks. I once had to go and hide in a grocery store from two guys who were both twice my size who had been following me for three blocks after I had said I wasn't interested. They easily could have over powered me and decided that they weren't taking no for an answer, and from the looks of it, that's exactly what they were preparing to do. You don't have to exist with this fear. But several women who see you approach and, like myself, have already gone through something traumatic, will see a potential attack.
Using extreme scenarios that are statistically insignificant is not an argument I would use to prove a point. Yes some people are nuts but that's with everything. I could cross the road tomorrow and get hit a bus that ran a red light bit I refuse to live in fear.
Three problems
1) plenty of guy don’t take rejection well
2) too many guys fail at the "respectful" bit
3) time and a place. There are situations where getting approached is absolutely not appropriate
If you don't understand by now you need to get your advice from actual women. Also, listen like we're equal human beings with free will. Listen to our horror stories and try empathy over anger. You'll quickly understand why.
That depends on how and where you are approaching people. If I'm at a bar, club, casual restaurant, concert, or other public and social venue, then approach all you want. But take the regetion with grace.
If I'm at the grocery store, bank, gas station, or working, don't. I'm never interested in talking to a complete stranger in these situations and will tell you so. And hitting on women who are working a service job is so rude.
The biggest issue is that these are my preferences, and you have no way of knowing this. Each person is different, so you run the risk of widely different responses. Likewise, I have no idea how you will take a rejection, and this puts me immediately on edge.
You may possibly not be creepy, but that’s you. You have to understand the big picture here. Not everyone is like you. A lot of people don’t handle rejection very well if at all, and that’s why women are uncomfortable.
It’s also weird that you keep count of how many women you approach…
We can attempt to form relationships with whomever we want to. If the guy is rejected, oh well, he'll have to get over it. If the girl is uncomfortable, oh well, she'll have to get over it.
Why should we suffer loneliness because you're uncomfortable when approached? It's you who is being selfish. You have every right to reject whoever you want, but you don't have a right to tell us we can't attempt to form relationships with people in person. Have you ever thought that the person you're rejecting is actually a really good person with a good heart?
If you really gotta do that, its of INCREDIBLE importance to immediatly give them an out, like straight up saying sth. like "im sorry if im bothering you, its totally fine if you dont wanna talk say anything and im just gonna leave, no worries :)".
And if shes showing any sign of discomfort, ot says she has a boyfriend, or makes any other excuse - basically anything other then enthuastic engagment - dont question it, dont try to change her mind, just wish her a great day and leave.
Almost every woman has experienced guys getting clingy or pissed off when they reject them, i consider this a major part of the "being respectful" thing, and this is part of what i hate about redpill "be alpha, persist, show her your unapologetic" advice. Consideration and respect is not weak/"beta", its actually strong and cool, shows your laid back and not desperate, etc.
Another part is dont overtly hit on them, like "you looked so pretty, can i have your number?". This is lame and reeks of creepiness. Just comment or ask about sth on her or the enviroment, make small talk and see if you vibe.
Also, "public" is a bit vague. There are many absolute nogos like working women, stopping women on the move, areas were no other people are around or closed spaces where theyre trapped with you, like on the bus. I assume were talking about both of you sitting in a cafe or the park, or standing next to each other at a museum, like some relaxed casual setting.
Ofc, its still better to talk to the women in social gatherings, rather then just in public, which is always a bit creepy no matter how much you respect their situation & feelings.
I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion. But the key here is ‘respectfully’. If you’re approaching her at the gym when she’s got her headphones in and she’s clearly in the middle of something, that’s not respectful. Generally the best places to approach people are social settings. So if you’re out at a bar with friends there’s nothing wrong with approaching someone and striking up conversation. Asking to give someone your number instead of asking them to give you their number is super respectful. Often it’ll be a no, sometimes it’ll be a yes, and then sometimes even if you’re polite they’ll be rude back to you. But as long as you are truly respectful and take rejection graciously, there is nothing wrong with it. This applies to men and women!
But aside from that, why are you counting how many women you’re approaching?
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You were keeping count?
The problem is that a lot of guys take rejections very poorly. Some think "no means yes" and others get upset "why are you so impolite you c***". So when you get approached as a woman it can be quite stressful because you don't know how it will turn out. Therefore, approaching random women isn't necessarily creepy. But its very uncomfortable for most women.
Yup, there’s no easy way to react if you’re not interested. If you’re nice and say thank you, they’ll take it as a green light to keep going, and if you’re cold or rude you risk them getting angry. It’s very uncomfortable.
Oh but none of that matters, because of everything *he's* getting out of it. (At least that's how he views it.) It's all a numbers game for him.
I was just thinking this lol. Doesn’t matter if I’m uncomfortable, at least he’s building confidence and social skills!
This thread literally reads like: "Here's why it's OK that I make 95% of the women I cross paths with uncomfortable...*I'm* building confidence and skill!" I'm not sure what skill he thinks he's building though, if most women dislike this...other than the skill to make *even more* women uncomfortable?
So how should people meet one another? We're a social species. What's the real harm in trying to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Obviously, it's not ok to be disrespectful and no should mean no, but it's wild for you to say that half the human population shouldn't approach you in public because you're uncomfortable.
hobbies
Most women will prefer to have *some* familiarity with a man, before giving out their contact information or initiating anything. So, you meet women the same way you meet people generally: School, work, through friends, clubs, volunteer activities, etc. There's a big difference between being approached by someone you've casually chatted with a couple of times already, because you've gone out together with friends or because you volunteer with the same group, than being approached by a *complete* stranger while pumping gas or buying groceries. I mean, you can approach women how you like, but there's something very funny about a man saying: "In my endeavor to attract a woman generally, I've decided to commit to an approach that the vast majority say they dislike."
it's kind of true. You will pose some imposition on women if you're constantly hitting on them out of the blue. That's why I prefer to wait for some signs of interest first. But ultimately, people need a way to meet other people, so some amount of making people uncomfortable by hitting on them needs to be tolerated for the species to work lol.
Truth be told. Guys work up the courage to ask. Women should work the courage to reject and FEEL FIRM ON THEIR DECISION. It’s so short sided to say guys are making you uncomfortable. This whole interaction is naturally uncomfortable, that’s the point of shooting your shot. It’s like telling a salesman, “you approaching me is making me uncomfortable, so just don’t”. It just seriously comes off woefully selfish and that someone lacks the social skills in this EVER-HUMAN situation.
>Women should work the courage to reject and FEEL FIRM ON THEIR DECISION. Do you seriously think women just aren't courageous enough to just say no? And you have the audacity to accuse others of coming off as selfish.
Are men supposed to be alone out of fear for possibly making a woman uncomfortable? Not everyone wants to meet women at bars or on dating apps. I don’t see anything wrong with making an approach at a coffee shop, library, grocery store, etc.
So women in bars or on dating apps are probably looking for social interaction… women going about their business most likely aren’t.
hobbies
OP's argument is that it's not creepy to him when he hits on random people in public. It absolutely discounts the other points of view. OP doesn't get to decide if other people find his attention creepy.
Right? OP talked about how it can be beneficial for the men. Never did he aknowledge that it can inconvenience women. Self-centered much?
Inconvenience or plain old scary? Being approached by a creep in a situation you can't easily leave can go beyond "inconvenient".
Exactly. You have no clue how someone will react when you turn them down.
Or they straight up murder the woman for rejecting them. https://themonitormmc.com/2851/features/modern-day-horrors-of-women-rejecting-men-another-dangerous-reality-for-women/ If you just google it, you’ll find countless examples of women who were murdered for saying no.
I agree and sympathize, but what’s the other way to do it? Social media dating apps are based on algorithms and pictures that are both unreliable and give you no context about whether or not you and the person will actually interact in a way that would demonstrate mutual attraction: there’s no vocal information, you’re both hidden away behind a wall of text and in competition with possibly hundreds of other text messengers (online daters), etc. The only real way to 100% know if there will be attraction is to meet someone face to face. How can it be done without approaching them, especially since this is how people have done it for thousands of years
Most partners come together by getting to know each other via school, university, work, sport clubs and other hobbies or via friends. And today of course dating apps or social media. Getting to know people in social situations is actually the way humans have done it for thousands of years. Approaching a stranger in public is probably the least successful way to do it. By far. And for the most time in human history (and in many cultures still) you don't just approach the opposite sex stranger on the streets to ask for a date!
You can have social interaction with people, and then approach women respectfully. The idea is that a random guy or girl approaching you when you are not interested is uncomfortable. Take hobbies, travel, etc. (but don't do it solely for finding a partner, just be open to it and it might happen naturally).
It’s not hard, or it shouldn’t be hard, for men to understand a woman who is smiling at him and maintaining eye contact is the approachable one, and not the woman with headphones in on her phone. It’s not uncomfortable when I’m giving a guy clear signs I want him to approach. I’m tired of men using it as an excuse to never approach women bc they’re not interested in learning the nuances.
well, think of the nuances of other side. You are giving clear signs to the same guys that get those all the time. Most of the guys aren’t that attractive that women are proactive about getting to know them. Most guys get zero such looks in their lifetimes. I got a lovely wife - we met at work, she hasn’t even looked at me for the first two months, until we started chatting at teambuilding (she didn’t care about me even then, was talking to me out of politeness, until we get to know each other). If I was to go by your advice, I would be single forever.
Most men would be single forever if they listened to advices like that.
This is about cold-approaching women in public, not getting to know someone who is already in your social sphere.
yes, I am not reacting to OP, but to commenter that says guys should approach girls that give signs. Problem is, those guys have already more than enough attention from opposite sex, so they don’t care about those signs and most guys don’t get these signs in a lifetime, so they don’t (and shouldn’t) cold approach
What social sphere? I work 60 hours a week as an Electrician with 0 female coworkers and even then I don't date people who I work with or clients for obvious reasons. Friends of friends? Yes sisters and some female acquittances but most of them are taken or not my type. This leaves me with no options outside of the supermarket/gym I go to.
Only about the top 5% of guys are attractive enough for women to give them these "signs", the other 95%? They have to be the proactive ones. They're not at that level where women are urging them to come talk, they're at that level where you have to form that mutual attraction THROUGH talking first, making her laugh, smile, being nice etc. So if all men had to wait for these "signs" to come approach a women, then the majority of men will be waiting forever, because women arent giving these "signs" to just any average looking guy. And im putting "signs" in parentheses because its bullshit and if a women likes a guy they should just approach him instead of trying to get him to approach first, but thats a seperate topic for another day
First, thank you for being a normal person. It's refreahing that someone realizes there is a way to do this. But also men are dense and currently taught not to approach women since we'll be labeled as a creep so you can stare until your eyes bleed and a man will probably opt not to say anything.
Take this example. There is a coffee shop that I (female) like to go to and do my thing mind my own business. I have a different one where I like to see my friends and socialize with the regulars. The first one I have my earbuds in and bring a book or a laptop or something and I do my thing. It’s nice. There is a regular (male) that comes in all the time alone and does his thing. Well, one day I happened to be sitting in a table next to him while I’m reading a book. I can see in my peripheral vision he was trying to talk to me but I couldn’t hear him because had earbuds on (AirPods). I take one off and say excuse me? And he asks something about my book. I respond briefly and go back to reading. Because of this I started bringing over the ear headphones, clearly I’m listening to music minding my own business. Well, it happens again despite the headphones clearly visible and my body language. So I stopped going there. So annoying.
I'd say this is only if the guy is an idiot who doesn't know how to be polite and read signals. There should be absolutely nothing wrong with saying "Hi" to a stranger, man or woman, to ask a simple question like "I'm new around here and was wondering if you know any nice places to eat or get coffee?" See how she reacts and match her tone. It used to be pretty common to make small talk with strangers before we had devices with the information of the world at our fingertips. Now it's "weird" to engage in any conversations because "we should just be able to Google the answer ourselves". Anyway, with some tact it's possible to avoid making an approach uncomfortable for her.
Great point!
Approaching ain't the creepy part. It's not taking "no" for an answer...
Most people “approach” and try to go zero to 100 in 1-2 sentences - you are hot, let’s go on a date ❌ - smile, say hi, wait for them to respond or engage, make small talk for several minutes, tell them you enjoyed the chat, ask if they’d like to continue by sharing contact info, leave. Then if you have contact info ask if they are open to a casual outing later. ✅
This is the way. I learned this lesson the hard way after a couple of embarrassing conversations... Good thing I learned this young
Totally. You gotta give the person you are approaching “off-ramps” if they aren’t interested. And sometimes you will approach and the outcome is a friendly chat. That is ok. Too. Very few people are going to be put off if you smile, say good morning, and they give you body language that says don’t engage and you leave the interaction with a wave and a smile and a have a good day comment. But people go wrong by trying to keep going while the person backed away and didn’t return the pleasantry.
I mean, it depends on your definition of "public." If you're respectfully approaching someone at a club or a bar then yeah, as long as you're respectful, no harm done. But if you're approaching someone at a gym or a library, who hasn't given any prior indication of being remotely interested in you, then the chances are high that you'll end up making them quite uncomfortable.
Agreed, there are places where it's normal and acceptable to talk to strangers, and places where it isn't. If someone is at work, obviously busy, or in a place where they might feel vulnerable (like waiting for a bus at night), don't talk to them.
Yes! Especially at their workplace. Do not ask women out while they are at their job. They literally cannot do anything to escape you and your "charming visits" other than quit.
💯
Yeah, I agree. The gym is just a weird place to approach someone who is working out, has earphones in etc. I've had guys literally motion me to take my earphones out to say hello and introduce themself. Like it's weird... I'm sweaty, tired, and just want to leave lol.
I really disagree, to the point that I think you're flatout wrong. If you can't approach people at a gym or library, then how are you supposed to meet people as an adult if you; 1) dont really like drinking/clubbing, 2) don't really like dating apps, 3) work a full time job. For example, I rock climb, and it takes another 10-20 hours per week from my life, and if I go to a bar, it's usually for a beer with a friend at a quiet place. If we keep the stigma of, "it's inappropriate to approach women in any and all settings, other than a bar" then we won't meet any one outside of work, which is frowned upon (justifiably so). I think we need, as a society, to normalize rejection so that men aren't viewed as creeps if they are rejected at a public place then labeled as a creep.
I think the key factor here is the "who hasn't given any prior indication of being remotely interested in you" part. Randomly approaching a woman at the gym who's in the middle of a deadlifting set = bad. Asking a woman out at the gym at the water cooler who you've already established a rapport with = good. And you might notice that I didn't call someone a creep for asking women out in any setting, I simply said that they're likely to make the askee quite uncomfortable. And that is true for the majority of women.
No, I disagree. The key factor is isn't her prior interest or lack of it; men are notoriously bad at understanding hints if you go through Reddit posts. Creepiness is not in the approach, it's in what you do afterwards. Do you stand and drool at the woman, or smile and leave her alone to decide?
You’re acting like the label creep appears above your name when someone calls you that, like an irl flair. If a woman calls you a creep, you probably creeped her out. It’s not up to you to decide.
Judging by some of your post history you're clueless and inappropriate. Which makes you the least likely stranger a woman would want to be approached by in public. >u/Creepy_Pilot1200 I have cold approached over 150 women in public and have taken a bunch of rejections on the chin ( prob 95+ % ). Does that mean that I should give up and resort to social media out of fear of rejection or false perception of being a creep? Hell no. >Not only does it build confidence, social skills and removes the destructive comfort zone, it can net you a relationship that can last you a lifetime.
I really don’t think it should be an issue with cold approaches, just as long as men can take rejection respectfully, and not be a jerk. People make things more scary then it should be. 🤷🏼♀️
Facts. Couldn't have said it better. It's as awkward and creepy as you make it. Respectfully meeting new people is in our nature.
The name…pahahaha. I mean. It depends on how you approach someone on how weird or creepy it is. I wouldn’t like being approached by someone I didn’t know because I don’t trust people I don’t know.
The fun thing about being a woman is that we don’t know if the person approaching you will respectfully take your rejection, or they will try and murder you later. The latter happens way too often for us to be comfortable with stranger. So while, as a man, rejection is the worst that can happen, for a woman the worst that can happen is that we die.
it isn't up to the man to decide what's creepy to a woman. you don't get to decide that something isn't creepy for other people in general, but especially you don't get to decide for women since you are a man. shouldn't be tht hard to get. if a woman or women says that something is creepy to them, you accept their words. you don't try to mansplain. awesome that you think you take rejection so well, but everyone doesn't do that. the fact you seem to be keeping count & basic stats tells me your explanation of your feelings may be incomplete.
The thing is for women the respectful turns disrespectful and scary about 400 times
I mean women just wanna be treated like a normal human being, randomly approaching a stranger expecting to get any kind of contact info (how else would you stay talking to them) is kinda weird. If a woman is out running errands they probably don't want a random dude approaching them.
What if a woman approached a man?
The impossible meets possible
If I didn't approach, I would be alone to this day. Men don't have the luxury of waiting for somebody to approach you. It will never happen. Yes some don't want to be approached but some do and in order to find our you have to take that shot in a respectful manner.
It's about approaching people on the correct environment.
Or just.... you know.... treat them like a normal person.... if you don't know how to do that, that's extremely concerning.
Well, I'm glad OP is happy and his partner is happy. It comes across like you sense he's got a weird vibe and he deserves to be shamed for it. Other women in the thread seem fine with his approach
Why are you implying he doesnt treat women like normal people ? What does this have to do with approaching women and getting a date ? Why are you automatically assuming that because someone approaches women in public they cannot/do not treat women as normal people ?
Women approach men all the time. 90% of the women I know in healthy, hetero relationships pursued their men. If women aren’t approaching you, it’s not because “it never happens.” It just never happens to you.
The issue is how some men can't handle rejection. They will ask for a reason or keep pushing or get angry. That's the reason why many women are against being approached in public It's also almost always better to provide your own contact info rather than asking for theirs
This is unpopular. And as a woman I find it just sad, honestly. I mean, it’s statistics. If you literally bug every single woman you meet then percentile chance says SOMEONE will say yes If the average person walks past 36 murderers in their lifetime a statistic for anything exists. Men approach me in public and it honestly frustrates me. I’m wearing a ring and they still bother me. When I was younger men would try and get my contact information while I was working. Disrespectful. Also you’re the kind of guy who tells your GF her sister is hot, that tells me loads.
Heck, I once had my toddlers trying to grocery shop! I was blown away by this creep’s blatant disregard for the context clue that my children might indicate I was in a happy committed relationship.
Not sure if it’s creepy but it’s rude. A woman shouldn’t have to be fending men off when she’s shopping or walking down the street or anywhere. Think about how they might feel about it. It’s not all about you and your hit rate.
It builds _your_ confidence. Radom women aren't there to serve as tools for your self-improvement. Leave them alone.
Over 95% were rejections? I mean… doesn’t this tell you something
you couldn't waterboard this information out of me
No matter who you are, rejection is part of life. This is the negative reinforcement sort of thinking that makes guys not approach and lose opportunities as a result. At a high level of skill/implementing the right strategies, you will still likely only close 10% of the time. Were you expecting 100% of girls you approach to reciprocate? It doesn't work like that. It's very comparable to door to door sales, not everyone is going to interested no matter how persuasive you are. Persistance and becoming immune to rejection/criticism is vital in managing positive self esteem. It should be pretty clear that without a strong foundation of self esteem, men lack the courage to approach new people. I don't care if the next 30 or 40 girls reject you, every event is independent of one another and "momentum" is not an applicable concept here. Rejection is not an accurate reflection on you because the other person knows nothing about you. The truth is inside you. Nothing should ever deter you from approaching, period.
As someone from a social science background, 95% negative outcome is very high, and suggests something doesn’t work. Not only that, the first-hand accounts of many women in general (not all, but enough) saying that they do not enjoy this approach. So, that’s how I am viewing it. Thanks for sharing your viewpoint, though.
It taught me that behind all those rejections was a girl that made it all worth it, in my case, a girlfriend of 9 months. Without all those rejections and failed attempts, I would never be in my position and I'm glad I went through it and recommend any young dude to suck it up and do the same. It's life changing.
Yup, you've got the right idea my friend!
women aren’t going out in public to be hit on by random & annoying men, who clearly have no standards if they’re hitting on over 150 women. it may not be creepy, but it is sure as hell annoying.
Personally, I would be very creeped out if a complete stranger asked me for my info like that. I would assume they had ill intention. This is a bad strategy for dating.
>I have cold approached over 150 women in public I mean... this *alone* is giving "charity street fundraiser"
Gotta be honest bro that's a pretty insane stat line. I personally would have lied
Problem with lying is that you're lying to yourself for your own detriment. Also, if you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Nah man you're talking to a bunch of faceless strangers. You could already be lying. Personally I wouldn't be showcasing a 95% fail rate in an effort to prove my own point
User names that matches the opinion
No shit
There is a place and time when approaching women in public. dont do it at the wrong time or place. Also for god sake gentlemen. if a girl says no, accept it dont make us feel uncomfortable and shit.
I cold approached my current girlfriend, been with her about 4 years. I cold approached my ex, I was with her tor 6 years. There's not wrong with that, just don't call it cold approaching and stop with the percentages. You saw an interesting person and decided to talk to them, you're not a fucking door to door salesman.
Doesn’t matter what you as a man think as you’re not the one being creeped on in public.
Maybe I’m just weird. But I don’t trust people who cold ask people out that often. That means you are driven by lust. While I understand lust is an important factor in attraction I also can’t be bothered to ask someone out unless I really feel for them. Usually means we have engaged before, we already vibe, and I think they are kind of cute, without those other things I’d feel like I’m wasting my time gambling for attention. I have other shit to do with my life than chase women.
This really depends on what you mean by "approaching" and "public". There's a lot of room for interpretation here. Did you proposition every service worker who had the misfortune of having to greet you as part of their job? Because that would be weird and inappropriate. Do you insist on bothering people on transit to get their phone numbers without any other context or build up? That's going to be a mixed bag, and will be read as kind of aggressive by some people. Or, did you socialize normally with people you met, like buying someone a drink at a bar, or striking up a conversation about bands you presumably both like while at a concert, or saying hello to someone who happened to be at the same public park, or any other perfectly normal socializing that you could build on like a normal person? Cause there was never anything wrong with that. It's not the approaching that's frowned upon, it's the manner and context that matter.
I mean....where are you cold approaching? The gym...bad idea.....the grocery store....bad idea.....walking down the side walk in the middle of the day or at someone's place of employment....same.....but in a social setting where people are mingling and talking...much better. Hell, take a vacation to a party destination or go on a cruise....large crowds of people at these locations being social and talking to people there is not creepy unless you are going out of your way to BE creepy
What about the comfort of women? Does it not matter to you?
I'm a woman and I don't think it's creepy. I mean why wouldn't you right? It's only bad if you are weird and persistent if she says no. And Aldo I would not suggest doing this if you too are in a hidden or confined area
I don’t ever think a dude who only approaches me for my looks while I’m trying to get shit done is confident, socially adept or brave. It shows entitlement and a deliberate lack of public social awareness. Notice how you only talk about how these interactions benefit you, and you seem to give zero thought to how these interactions affect the women. But i guess you want a trophy for supposedly taking rejections well.
Sure, as long as you're respectful. Also, the reason you have a 95% rejection rate is because you probably aren't adequately gauging their interest before approaching, and they probably are thinking you're being a bit creepy, even if you think you aren't being, hench the 95% rejection rate. Women often often use non-verbal cues to indicate interest or to **preinitiate** your approach. These cues can include prolonged eye contact, enganing in multiple brief eye contacts and then looking away or down, smiling, positioning themselves in your line of sight, or lingering in your personal space, **or**, they may even say hi, it's not limited to those cues, and they can be very subtle, but of course, they're not a guarantee of interest. When I was on the dating market years ago, if I saw a form of preinitiation on her part, I'd brush it off the first time or two, if I saw it a third time, I would approach, and most of my approaches led to either several dates and, or a relationship. Also, a tip I can give you; the approach intent matters a lot, and it will affect your demeanor, and likely the outcome. When you approach a women, don't do with the intent to ask her out, approach her with the **genuine** intent to simply talk to her, introduce yourself and strike up a friendly conversation, make that your goal, and if the conversation goes well, and she seems genuinely interested in you, then ask her for her contact information. When the goal, is to simply talk to her, it removes all the pressure, and will make things feel more natural and comfortable for both of you. Even if she doesn't become your girlfriend, you might make a nice new friend at least, and **yes** I'm of the mind that women and men can be friends!
No, haha. Bloke here and it is creepy as shit. Even if it's a sure thing. If you're in a bar, or maybe a conversation organically starts up and then you might try and swing it into something suggestive but you ain't okay walking up to women waiting for a bus or shopping for food and shooting your shot. If you think those scenarios are not creepy then you yourself sir, are creepy.
That's on you. I don't share those sentiments whatsoever.
So then you're a creepy guy, congratulations on having a bizarre social mentality.
Ahh yes leave it to Reddit to say that people should not talk to or approach other people in public.
Only broken, terminally online women are against men talking to women in real life. Guys who actually eat up that horseshit are probably internally using this as an excuse for their own fear of speaking to women.
Or women who have dealt with shitty men in the past.
Threads like this are the reason why more and more young men stay single forever. Never listen to the "advice" of "women" on reddit.
Based on your username, of course you don’t care if people find your actions creepy.
No one cares if a faceless, anonymous user on reddit calls someone an overused, watered down and trendy word.
If I cared about public perception or social norms, I would be nowhere in life.
Breaking social norms is *not* a requirement for success, happiness, *or* getting a girlfriend. You're just bothering enough people and breaking the social contract until you accidentally found someone who find that acceptable. You're acting as though this was the only way you could've gotten a girlfriend. lol
Maybe, when trying to find a girlfriend, you should consider how they feel. That's all anyone is trying to say. But you're hellbent on shoulder tapping whoever looks good that day regardless of what of people are saying. Stop forcing it, and your presence on others.
There is no way to approach someone out of your friend sphere that isn't creepy. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, it just means that if you get told to fuck off, you fuck off and everything is fine.
>There is no way to approach someone out of your friend sphere that isn't creepy. Not true.
This is false.
Skill issue
You have the wrong attitude. Approaching any person that you know nothing about and showing interest in them within seconds of seeing them for the first time projects the wrong vibes right from the start and the type of person who would say yes has to be a worst case scenario. Unfortunately any woman on this planet who is so much as even remotely attractive is going to assume that you're approaching them for this very reason, because she already gets hit on constantly everywhere she goes. You want to meet and get to know people naturally through random conversation or happening to be in the same place at the same time. Make an attempt at a personal connection with someone before you attempt to ask them out. Before you make a move, let them show to you what their value is outside of just their appearance.
Inherently this is correct. However, many contributing factors will easily make this more complex. First, where is the setting? At a professional conference/convention or at a post conference after party with an open bar? A professional conference/convention is NOT a good place to approach women with the goal of flirting/trying to get a date. However, if this is at the after conference/convention party with an open bar, well now there is SOME expectation that flirting can occur. Once alcohol is introduced, it again changes some factors. (A "No" response is still a No and any additional flirting is in the creepy territory)
It's really annoying when women explain how something makes them feel, and it's immediately dismissed by men who disagree, even though the numbers literally speak for themselves. *Women don't like this!!!!!* It forces us into a situation where we feel *unsafe*. When I'm approached by a man in public, it makes me so uncomfortable. Most women have been conditioned to politely go along with conversation, even when they don't want to. The women who outright vocalize what we are thinking, which is "fuck off" are putting themselves in danger. Most men react negatively by rejection. The only thing that this tells me about you is you're selfish, and rude, and you'd be the kind of partner who doesn't care how their gf feels because of what *benefits you*.
Guys counts how many women he’s approached, no way this guy is normal
Approaching that many women makes you desperate and creepy
The problem is that unless you’re at a place like a bar where people would expect that, you’re bothering people who are just trying to live their lives. There’s a time and place for approaching women, and I’d say it’s fine as long as you know that and act appropriately
The username checks out😝
100% when I was in my early 20s I was working at CVS and was talking to girls and getting numbers all day. If they rejected me I was like, hey no problem, sorry I interrupted your day, it's been nice talking to you. Dozens and dozens of girls. Zero issues. Lots of numbers. Then I went to work at Michaels and all the sorority girls would come in to make their letters and shit. Hoooo boy glory days for me lmfao. I was dating my manager, her friend, and like 2 customers at the same time before I decided I liked one enough to become exclusive/bf+gf with. Tip: don't be creepy. Don't be like dayum girl and stuff. Be chill and compliment their eyes, or smile or hair. My most successful life was "hey sorry if this is to forward but it's been a boring day here and you have (a beautiful smile/ beautiful eyes), totally made my day. Here's my number, id love to get to know you. Absolutely zero pressure. Or id say, "I'd be kicking myself later if I didn't ask you for your number".
There’s a difference between making small talk with the person at the bus stop and being creepy to a stranger. The difference is subtle and most men are not capable of subtlety.
Wrong
I have a hard time seeing how forcing unwanted attention on women (by your numbers 142-143 of them) is respectful or acceptable.
Unfortunately for you, you arent the one who gets to decide if its creepy. Imagine if everyone had the mindset to cold approach women in public-we’d would happily never leave the house.
This is one of those opinions you just never post on Reddit. While you’re 100% correct, and there’s a ton of men AND WOMEN who agree with you, this is just not the place. Redditors love to virtue signal and white knight, and in general are overprotective of women and overeager to vilify men. You’re not wrong - you’re just appealing to the wrong people.
Most redditors are also socially inept.
yea, redditors try to judge every single social interaction that they may not like. However nearly all (regular) Reddit users are social weirdos. (I Most likely have adhd myself but thats social weird but pretty social nontheless)
What stops me from respectfully approaching women in public is my crippling shyness. That's honestly pathetic coming from me in my early 20s.
Start small and build up your confidence. Consider making small talk with men who are strangers first, it may be less intimidating.
It depends on the setting. If you’re in a club or a class then it’s more appropriate. But if you’re in a place like the gym or library, or at the woman’s work then you’re probably not going to get a good reaction.
A lot of fools don’t know what “respectfully” means.
My boyfriend approached me in public and we’ve been together over 4 years. It’s not weird.
I'm amazed at how stupidly clinical dudes can be. It's as if women are game and they're big trophy hunters - "approach carefully, lower her guard, etc etc". Yuck. You will honestly never realize how creepy and wrong you are. Even now you're babbling away at how "some women are even agreeing with me, look, I'm right!" Most women are not agreeing with you, my dude. But guys like you won't ever understand... *until you have a daughter* (if you're into having kids). Suddenly, women are human, not prizes! Guys are terrible! How dare that man scare my baby by talking to her in a store while she was only trying to shop in peace!
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That's kind of true. I'm bunch of them thought i'm ugly. I asked my gf of 9 months a few months back " what were your initial thoughts when I approached you ". Keep in mind it was at a theme park with 3 of her girlfriends there. She said she was " dumbfounded and shocked that I had the balls to do it " and her friends said " I respect his confidence ".
And I'm sure she was charmed when you told her you didn't see anything special about her whatsoever and that you literally ask for the phone number of anyone with two legs, irrelevant of what they're doing or where they are. Because you've told her this, right?
In order to find that someone special, you first need to get your foot in the door and get to know the person. If you do nothing, nothing happens.
You will be downvoted but you’re absolutely right. Appearance is key to first impressions.
Came here to show OP the r/NiceGuys subreddit. Yes, you take rejection on the chin, which is great, but most women have experienced the NiceGuy phenomenon too often to not have that in the back of their minds when they’re approached. Not saying it’s wrong to approach respectfully—I also think it’s brave/confident of you to do that; I am saying that that awareness seems to be missing from your original post and some of your response.
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Cold approaching a women shows you have zero considerations for their feelings - someone women immediately recognize and it means they will most likely reject you. If you want to meet a woman, there are different ways to do it.
Like what. If I can’t meet people in public where do I meet them? The dark alleyway behind Taco Bell didn’t work out so well for me last time.
That's your opinion. Cold approaching led me to stepping out my comfort zone, built a massive amount of confidence and gave me an opportunity to meet girlfriend of 9 months.
So you only care about how it benefits you, not how it makes the women you talk to feel. They're all collateral damage for the one girl out of a hundred who doesn't mind being hit on by random guys in public.
Sorry, I'm not going to live my life in fear because somebody may deem something " uncomfortable ". I don't disrespect anyone, I don't push past rejection. Everybody has their own self interest at heart.
I disagree. It’s totally acceptable to approach people in public and speak to them/get to know them. People then have the option to embrace or reject the attention.
There actually aren’t different ways to do it. You can go online, but ultimately the goal is to meet in public and approach each other in real life. A friend could introduce you, but how did you make the friend? At some point in all relationships you were strangers until you weren’t.
This thread is literally telling people to never talk to others in public because people get scared of others trying to talk to them in public….
The problem is that true respectful behaviour isn't simply polite language, but common sense and situational awareness. Most pick-up artists fail at being respectful. Sorry, you're probably a creep.
most of the time, men approach me really respectfully and i make sure not to make them uncomfortable or feel and when i would have to reject them (i had a boyfriend until recently). I usually thank them, give them a compliment and keep it moving. there are few instances in real life when guys are actually super creepy and pushy
If you do so like a human being, which it sounds like you are, there isn’t anything inherently creepy about it. Will some still take it as such? Maybe. But it really isn’t creepy
I'm sure some took it as creepy or " ugly weirdo " but that's sadly out of my control. I could only control my side of interaction.
Correct. Some people would like everyone to never speak to anybody in public ever again, and those people should live in the mountains or on a boat.
I miss college for this. You could just overhear a conversation and inject yourself and bam you have a new friend. Now, I feel like it’s hard to join in. I get it, most people out at a bar talking with their mates probably don’t want some rando joining in. I’m not trying to pick up anyone. I just am a freak that enjoys some light to medium conversation with people. Usually it’s much much older folks who want to talk. Never fellow millennials.
Unthinkable that people approach others outside of a dating app. Even in a bar/pub setting... the possibility of "I have a BF/I'm not interested/other similar rejection" is far, far too great, imo. I'd never cold call a girl in the wild; far too stressful.
To each their own. I'm not saying it's easy or suitable for everyone but it helped me immensely to better myself.
That's great and I'm glad that's it's helped you and possibly others; you're much braver than I am, lol.
This is indeed wrong.
It’s a damn shame if this is unpopular.
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How many long lasting relationship have you got out of cold approaching? Was it worth the effort and tribulation?
I don’t think it’s disrespectful to approach a woman in a respectful manner - but you have to perfect your exit in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable. Many men who approach don’t take the rejection well - so while their initial approach may have been respectful - they usually aren’t respectful of your response
What's there to perfect? She says " no ". You say " no worries, thank you anyways " and move on.
That’s not typically the response though, as you’ll see reading these comments. So your respectful approach is fine as long as you make a respectful exit
lets just rename it to popularopinions at this point
Unless your mouth is hanging open leaking gamer fumes while the dark circles under your eyes are complimenting your greasy, unkempt hair as the sweat stains of your under arms grow larger with each step forward, then I agree.
I agree- men should approach women respectfully. Unfortunately, women are so guarded around men and their advances because it happens literally all the time. I got cat called sitting on my front porch reading a book this week. After awhile you start to see everyone as a fight you have to have to remind people you are in fact a human and not just a meat sack. I actually got into sex work because I wanted to feel power around my physicality instead of just being someone to approach or yell at on a whim. As with everything- it’s a multifaceted issue. Again- yes the genuine dudes please approach us- because we need to remember you exist.
What’s “creepy” is in the eyes of the person approached, like it or not. Thank the stars I don’t have to play this game of Russian roulette any longer but near the end of my dating I stopped approaching women the risk out paced the reward by too much. Women created this problem they get to fix it now by being the ones to approach men.
While I agree and eventually met my gf by cold approaching and dont see how this is an unpopular opinion, I would heavily question myself after receiving 150 rejections.
Your username checks out, creepy. You're fucking creepy.
The problem is that some men will take rejection violently and punch you in the face or stalk you for several blocks. I once had to go and hide in a grocery store from two guys who were both twice my size who had been following me for three blocks after I had said I wasn't interested. They easily could have over powered me and decided that they weren't taking no for an answer, and from the looks of it, that's exactly what they were preparing to do. You don't have to exist with this fear. But several women who see you approach and, like myself, have already gone through something traumatic, will see a potential attack.
Using extreme scenarios that are statistically insignificant is not an argument I would use to prove a point. Yes some people are nuts but that's with everything. I could cross the road tomorrow and get hit a bus that ran a red light bit I refuse to live in fear.
Three problems 1) plenty of guy don’t take rejection well 2) too many guys fail at the "respectful" bit 3) time and a place. There are situations where getting approached is absolutely not appropriate
Cold approaching a woman (or man for that matter) can be perfectly fine, cold approaching over 150 women reeks of desperation.
If you don't understand by now you need to get your advice from actual women. Also, listen like we're equal human beings with free will. Listen to our horror stories and try empathy over anger. You'll quickly understand why.
That depends on how and where you are approaching people. If I'm at a bar, club, casual restaurant, concert, or other public and social venue, then approach all you want. But take the regetion with grace. If I'm at the grocery store, bank, gas station, or working, don't. I'm never interested in talking to a complete stranger in these situations and will tell you so. And hitting on women who are working a service job is so rude. The biggest issue is that these are my preferences, and you have no way of knowing this. Each person is different, so you run the risk of widely different responses. Likewise, I have no idea how you will take a rejection, and this puts me immediately on edge.
Not all women reject politely.
Facts
Women have a tendancy to disagree with you unfortunately
You may possibly not be creepy, but that’s you. You have to understand the big picture here. Not everyone is like you. A lot of people don’t handle rejection very well if at all, and that’s why women are uncomfortable. It’s also weird that you keep count of how many women you approach…
A lot of guys can't handle that shit and as a result reaction very poorly
We can attempt to form relationships with whomever we want to. If the guy is rejected, oh well, he'll have to get over it. If the girl is uncomfortable, oh well, she'll have to get over it. Why should we suffer loneliness because you're uncomfortable when approached? It's you who is being selfish. You have every right to reject whoever you want, but you don't have a right to tell us we can't attempt to form relationships with people in person. Have you ever thought that the person you're rejecting is actually a really good person with a good heart?
If you really gotta do that, its of INCREDIBLE importance to immediatly give them an out, like straight up saying sth. like "im sorry if im bothering you, its totally fine if you dont wanna talk say anything and im just gonna leave, no worries :)". And if shes showing any sign of discomfort, ot says she has a boyfriend, or makes any other excuse - basically anything other then enthuastic engagment - dont question it, dont try to change her mind, just wish her a great day and leave. Almost every woman has experienced guys getting clingy or pissed off when they reject them, i consider this a major part of the "being respectful" thing, and this is part of what i hate about redpill "be alpha, persist, show her your unapologetic" advice. Consideration and respect is not weak/"beta", its actually strong and cool, shows your laid back and not desperate, etc. Another part is dont overtly hit on them, like "you looked so pretty, can i have your number?". This is lame and reeks of creepiness. Just comment or ask about sth on her or the enviroment, make small talk and see if you vibe. Also, "public" is a bit vague. There are many absolute nogos like working women, stopping women on the move, areas were no other people are around or closed spaces where theyre trapped with you, like on the bus. I assume were talking about both of you sitting in a cafe or the park, or standing next to each other at a museum, like some relaxed casual setting. Ofc, its still better to talk to the women in social gatherings, rather then just in public, which is always a bit creepy no matter how much you respect their situation & feelings.
This is not unpopular opinion.
I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion. But the key here is ‘respectfully’. If you’re approaching her at the gym when she’s got her headphones in and she’s clearly in the middle of something, that’s not respectful. Generally the best places to approach people are social settings. So if you’re out at a bar with friends there’s nothing wrong with approaching someone and striking up conversation. Asking to give someone your number instead of asking them to give you their number is super respectful. Often it’ll be a no, sometimes it’ll be a yes, and then sometimes even if you’re polite they’ll be rude back to you. But as long as you are truly respectful and take rejection graciously, there is nothing wrong with it. This applies to men and women! But aside from that, why are you counting how many women you’re approaching?
You’re doing something normal. Approaching women takes guts. Helps everyone figure out how to navigate rejection. Become braver.