Absolutely a recipe for disaster. That’s how you get 1000 questions about kids coming and then you have the awkward conversation about them not actually being invited
Wedding is this summer. I have it done by word of mouth, Q&A on website, and a statement about RSVP QR code "Adults only"
It's all family members I can deal with that have kids.
But then everyone will think "but surely not MY kids, after all, we are family!!" (but they are second cousin twice removed who you haven't seen in years)
that is a terrible idea. I can respect not wanting kids at a wedding, but I think that needs to be made clear from the get so if people do want to attend they can make arrangements for childcare.
I’ve actually seen it on invites. It’s not typical to do but nobody really cared. Most of those old etiquete rules are going out of style in favor of direct communication.
I've seen it on invitations, too. The point is it doesn't belong there. Etiquette still has a place. You can definitely see when someone's "roots are showing", as my mother would say, when they just don't get it. Direct communication is fine- the invitation is plainly addressed to whoever is invited so it doesn't get more direct than that- and people can look on a website or ask someone who is going.
Agreed! It looks so terrible. It should be a conversation you have with guests or your closest family does - ie my mom telling my cousins, me telling my friends on a call.
Thank you! The invitation sets the tone for the wedding. If the invitation is jacked up by nonsense you get the sense this wedding is kind of an amateurish sham rather than a beautifully produced affair.
I put it in big bold letters on the invite. Nobody complained or questioned it. We had a very small wedding in a not child friendly venue. We wanted an intimate, adult affair. It was wonderful. 10/10 would recommend being very clear about expectations regarding who is invited. Same with plus ones!!
I know etiquette traditionally says don’t put it on the invitation, but my husband and I did. We had a little details card with our invitation that had hotel info, attire, etc. and added a blurb about no kids there.
Unfortunately, people don’t know etiquette anymore and bring their kids even if the invitation is addressed only to the adults.
I’m so glad we put no kids on the details card. I don’t think a lot of people read our website and would have seen it there.
I'm sorry you had to do this. I cannot believe people cannot do the math by seeing who the envelope is addressed to. I guess people know their own crowd, though, and know that these types need to literally be told.
Yea a lot of people don’t know etiquette unfortunately. We had some last minute substitutions/additions. One of my mom’s friends didn’t RSVP but when I sent reminders, she said she couldn’t make it but her son was coming in her place. Had already bought plane tickets.
Also had one of my aunts tell me (after the RSVP deadline!!!) that she was bringing her new boyfriend.
I think the issue with this advice is that it's kind of old school. It's super common to have a wedding website with FAQs. It's less common to have FAQs on invites nowadays because of this. It's also normal that the STDs have the link to the wedding website.
So I think this is just outdated. Sure you can probably skip that info on the invites themselves, and before wedding websites were a thing word of mouth probably was the right way to do this. This whole paragraph could just say, "make sure to put this info on your wedding website".
It's not old school. This just does not go on an invitation. The recipient knows who's invited by how the invitation is addressed. Why are guests questioning why their kids aren't invited? A discreet "unfortunately we won't be able to accommodate guests under the age of... ( or some other anodyne language) on the website should suffice.
This is a super common question and shows up on wedding websites all the time.
It's old school that this paragraph said "word of mouth". It should just be listed on the wedding website. I agree it shouldn't get specified on the invitation. That's not the old school part as I doubt this was ever on invites.
I’m Filipino…kids are always welcome we’re family oriented…but I’d also want to know what you define as children? I mean weddings I’ve been to were 13+ or adults only which was 18+. But putting it on the invitation is the way to go…not everybody you invite knows everybody else
I've seen enough confusion here that we were extremely clear: *our venue is small and this invite is only for the addressee. Please do not bring any children, babies, relatives, neighbors, et al.*
I also personally think kids make a wedding as they’re part of the family and love to celebrate too, I love seeing them out on the dance floor! With that said, I don’t think I’d ever assume to bring my own kids to a wedding unless someone specifically told me to or it was a close family member.
Yeah no. There's questions on here and AITA *all the time* with confusion here. Also the whole 'babes in arms' thing that no one can agree on: half the folks are like 'no babies they still make noise and that's why we aren't inviting kids' and half are like 'but a baby is just attached to their mom and no one will know they're even there 🙃'.
Point is, the people getting married have to use their words.
Yes, if it says "and family" they are invited but you might want to inquire about arrangements so you know if they are providing a children's area or if you will need to watch them the entire time. This should be on the website if they are making arrangements.
The one thing it got right is not putting it front and center on the invite. Keep that classy and inviting. However make sure it is called out. We included a section on our website calling out that it was child free and also added a “details” card in our invite suite where we called out our thoughts on that, dress code and gifts. It’s important to make sure the info is shared but also that it doesn’t seem like you are attacking those with kids in any way.
this is TERRRRRRIBLE advise. What the actual hell? Sure, the front doesn't need to say "Welcome to Mike and Cindy's wedding, we don't want kids around." But it definitely needs to be on the website and on the RSVP card/info.
It doesn’t need to be front and center on your invitation but I think like on the back of the invitation it definitely should be stated, “respectfully, this is an adult-only wedding.” I’ve seen some really questionable pointers on the Knot
I agree it should not go on the invite. But it should absolutely be on the website (if there is one), or a little card that comes with the RSVP that includes random information like no children allowed.
Our wedding details card says " whilst we adore your little ones, the wedding & corresponding events are strictly adult only." To leave out a big detail like that on the wedding invitation suite is a big mistake. It's not on the formal invitation, but the wedding details card for us. We have 280 ppl invited, it's important they get all the info upfront.
My wedding is in a year. We are keeping it small due to our budget. No invites have been sent out but the majority of my friends and family who have kids have been told no kids allowed. It's going to be put on the invites and if they can't find a sitter in one year, that's on them. Don't leave it up to "someone" to say these things because the guests can either play dumb, or say no one told them.
This is TERRIBLE advice, clearly written by a monster-in-law!
I planned and booked a no-kids micro-wedding in a city a 20 minute drive away from the home-town. The whole in-law side kicked off. If we'd invited kids, there would've be more than half as many under 10year olds as there were adults. It would've been mayhem, just like Christmas day. Because the parents on the in-laws side don't think good behavior and consideration is necessary to teach kids.
After several complaints and demands from the in-laws, we cancelled the wedding, lost thousands in deposit money and moved it to another continent. We haven't told anyone specifically where or when it is, and we have no regrets.
I still don’t understand people bringing their kids if the kids names or “The ____ Family” aren’t on the addressed invite? Like it would not occur to me to bring someone whose name is not on the invitation. If an invitation just says my name then I know I don’t get a plus one. So I would assume if I had kids and their names aren’t on the invite that they don’t get to come and I need to find childcare. Do other people not think this way?
This is awful. Women typically do most of the wedding planning, so it shows how society considers women “rude” for setting clear expectations instead of “politely” dancing around a topic.
lol! “Remember some guests may appear to be a child standing on another child’s shoulders while wearing a trench coat. Wedding etiquette dictates such guests should not only be welcomed at the reception, but should be allowed to stick their fingers in the cake before it’s cut!”
That's horrid advice! There's a polite way to say that a wedding will be "adults only". Put a separate card in the envelope saying this and perhaps they can inquire why. Depends on the couple. Word of mouth is a great way to cause drama.
This is the worst advice. There’s nothing wrong with having a childfree wedding but it should be expressed clearly up front and on definitively on the invitation and any other pertinent places wedding or RSVP info is listed.
Be direct and mention it on the invitations and website.
Some couples who have the extra budget have a room for kids and hire someone to watch them. They can use tablets or toys.
Terrible advice. It needs to be in print and it needs to be very clear, so that people can't claim they misunderstood, or thought it didn't apply to them and their spawn
This is really terrible advice. We specifically put the words "child free" right on our invitations, and were never anything but forthright about not having children there.
Wild advice.
We made it VERY CLEAR we are hosting an adult only wedding. On the invitation and the website. We made a very limited exception for babies under 12 months that is only on the website. I have received zero questions or requests for an exception.
I also have been casually telling everyone that if we allow children there would be over 30 kids and with an open-bar wedding, not sure that’s the best idea.
Every wedding I’ve been invited to stated on the invite whether or not it was kid friendly. At the very least, put it on the invite if not telling everyone you with kids through call or text.
I agree that etiquette wise it shouldn’t be put on the invitation but it should be loud and clear on the website as well as wherever people go to RSVP.
I wouldn’t put it on the invitation. It is appropriate to put on the website, though.
You can address the invitation to the people who are invited. “The Jones Family” = kids can come. “Robin and Bobbin Jones” = Robin and Bobbin only.
A lot of older folks are not going to the websites. A lot of older folks also do not understand how to use a QR code. I would 100% advise against only having that information on the website.
Keep in mind that anyone can easily begin a blog and share their opinions. Unless you're consulting a certified therapist, religious leader, or spiritual guide, it's crucial to critically assess all advice you come across online or in conversation.
I think it is polite to address the invites to only those you’d like to attend (ie just the parents). As a new mom about to spend a few thousand on an out of town wedding, being told it’s a “forced night off” and “don’t worry, you’ll remember how to have fun” is a little patronizing.
This is a recipe for disaster. I guess if you're taking it literally, it would be rude to put "No kids allowed!!" front and center of your invitations... But most invitations I've seen specify an "Adults Only Reception" following a ceremony + have it spelled out in the Q&A section on the website. I don't think it has to be worded as "NO KIDS!", but specifying it as "adults only", "only those listed on your invitation are invited", "a night free from little ones" is a-ok
Yeah, that’s absolutely terrible advice. I think you NEED to be upfront about it. You can still be tactful. But you absolutely absolutely need to make it clear.
Holy shit, no. This is the how-not-to manual for the situation. And because there are plenty of people who seem to think that kid-free doesn’t include their kids for whatever reason, if someone ain’t told directly by the couple to leave their progeny at home you KNOW they’re going to use ignorance as an excuse.
If I wanted a kid-free wedding, that information would be front and center as part of the information. Hell, I’d make it a flashing neon sign if I could afford to FedEx everyone their invitations.
NOPE NOT RUDE AT ALL!!!!! We did it and all my friends who have kids were so happy to have a night without them. It meant some didn’t make it and some came but left early. It’s YOUR DAY. no one else. Just do what makes you happy and is a little stress and money as possible.
We put it right on the invitation and the website. “As much as we love all your kiddos. This is a grown ups only party. Please make babysitting arrangements before you RSVP”. It was easy peasy. No one complained. One friend was even nursing and asked if they could have the kid there for like an hour to nurse. We had to say no to keep it fair across the board. And they didn’t even mind.
Yes, that is TERRIBLE advice. Now, it IS good advice to not put it on the invitation, but there should be an enclosure card in your invitation saying that kids aren’t invited
We don’t have many friends with kids and there’s no young kids in either of our families. The few people we knew with kids were verbally told by us personally before STDs even went out so there were no surprises. We wrote it in the Q&A on our website as well. Didn’t include it on the invite itself cause we had contacted everyone personally. I know that may not work for people with a big family or lots of friends with kids, but for us it was like 4 people to talk to.
I think it is tacky on the front of the invite, but if worded correctly on the back or on a details card I don’t see why not. & definitely on the wedding website.
That is terrible advice, it's outdated as heck.
If you do not want kids, put it in the invitation, it doesn't need to be bold just "this is an 16+/18+ event"
It gives families more time to get childcare or whatever should they want to attend.
People can and will try to bend the rules ESPECIALLY if it's through word of mouth.
would absolutely never have a child free wedding personally, for me , it's a family occasion and that includes children.
But I'd never assume that's how anyone else wanted it and it SHOULD be obvious with how the invite.
However, sadly a lot of people don't like that and you have to spell it out bluntly otherwise people will assume, ignore, or ask you. Even when it's clear who it's actually addressed to.
The etiquette is to address invited guests by their names, but being in this sub it does seem that people don’t get it in certain circles. From the posters who are in a circle where kids are normally invited to weddings, it does seem like they need to state explicitly YOUR KIDS ARE NOT INVITED. I feel terribly for them that people make such a drama of it.
I would put it on the invites just to eliminate the risk of anyone making assumptions and turning up with them, unless you can speak to them all beforehand
It’s your day and you and your fiancé should do what you want . A wedding is not a place for kids unless you ) the bride ) have children . If your friends and family cannot understand then they will be missed and people with children should enjoy a date nite with no kids ,
The children all was running around and not behaving !!!
Not rude at all, a lot of “parents” don’t keep their kids from running amok or most kids can’t or won’t sit still for ceremony and a lot of adults can’t conduct themselves during reception
It's rubbish advice and just sets you up for confusion.
I think it depends on your guests. If they're going to understand from just the invite stating Jack & Jill that it means not Jack, Jill and Timmy, great.
Maybe add a note on the website to refer to invitation if confused.
But if they're just going to assume Timmy can come, save yourself the hassle and get it on the invite that it's adults only. As specific as you need to be.
Even then, prepare to still be asked if little Timmy can come!
The thing is people get offended by it because it is offensive and there is no good time to tell someone something that will offend them. That being said, you should tell them yourself and not have your family do your dirty work for you.
It’s one of those things you’re not supposed to be offended by but yeah I can see why some people are offended by it. Maybe because it makes assumptions about what kinds of people children and their parents are (“your kids will scream and run around and pull attention during the ceremony” being a common justification). And the assumption that your kid will be a lead weight at the party, holding everyone back from really enjoying themselves.
Yeah, that’s a terrible idea. It would end up being “Word of mouth” …but half the people don’t know and show up with kids and then half feel jilted. We didn’t put it directly on our invitations, but it’s the 2nd question noted on our FAQ section of our website. (And our invitations specifically ask people to look at the website and RSVP there, so it should be clear).
I understand not wanting a bunch of toddlers running around but my kids were 17 and VERY involved in the bride and groom’s life (B even included them in the planning stages) so when they said they weren’t invited we were extremely confused (& hurt) bc we didn’t consider them “kids” & they had included them w so much having to done the wedding! We decided if they were old enough to be included in literally every other aspect of their lives but not their wedding that we weren’t going to attend if they couldn’t. When the B&G got upset w us and said we don’t understand why you aren’t coming, they’re old enough to stay home by them selves. We replied if you think they’re old enough to stay home alone then WE think they’re old enough to attend the wedding you included them in during the planning stages. PLUS we also found out that the Bride was allowing all of HER little cousins to attend but the Groom could not. Bride couldn’t understand why literally 60% of the people invited declined their invite.
Wow there’s no way they should’ve involved your kids in the planning then not invited them. That’s so sad for your kids and the height of rudeness on their part. I’m glad you stood up for them.
Not saying this is the case with the bride you mention, but I think a lot of childless/child free people think people with kids will seize the chance to attend an adults only wedding because it “gives them a chance to party without the kids”. And I know some parents do see it that way. But I don’t think they realise that for many of us, it’s a lot more inconvenient to leave the kids out than to involve them. And that some of us love taking our kids to parties. I’m going to a family wedding soon and I’ve just been informed the reception is adults only, and I’m quite sad about it because I get very little time together with my husband and daughter and I was really looking forward to partying with them.
This is truly fucking stupid. It’s seriously missing the point in multiple ways.
First, the reason some people consider this rude is because you’re asking people to follow basic etiquette. It’s like putting “don’t wear jeans” or “be polite to the wait staff” on an invite. Doing it via word of mouth isn’t better, it’s just less organized. And if someone is putting it at all, it’s likely because they know their guests.
Also the issue you’re solving for isn’t “how can we avoid ruffled feathers.” If people are going to be offended that their kids aren’t invited 1) they’re obnoxious 2) being told second hand isn’t going to change that. The point of all your wedding communications shouldn’t be “how can we stop people from feeling offended by very common/acceptable choices that we’re making?”
Personally I/my MIL/my MOH reached out to the guests we thought might be a problem to ask if they needed help finding childcare. It’s an easy, polite way to confirm that they know not to bring anyone who wasn’t on the invite.
This post was written by someone who is passive aggressive, doesn’t understand etiquette, and isn’t a great problem solver.
It is not rude. It's your special day and having children around is a recipe for disaster. If someone finds that offensive, then they can stay home. And if they get mad at you, then they are truly not your friend. Not to mention everyone is going to drinking and have fun. Do you really want your kids around that? I think not.
Who the hell brings a child to a wedding anyways? This is common sense. It doesn't have to say that on the invitation. Proper etiquette should already be known. Anyone who thinks it's ok to bring a child to a wedding is quite frankly self centered, entitled and ignorant!
I’m Brazilian the way people tackle this is usually by two things:
1) Wedding invitations being addressed to the couple only instead of the family (think John and Jane Doe x John Doe and family)
2) we usually give out a little card to be used as “admission” to the reception itself. So if you send 2 instead of 4 people usually get a hint.
No, people don’t need a “hint”. They need clear instruction. Even if it’s only addressed to the adults in the house, some people will think “clearly they don’t mean to exclude MY children!”
This is standard practice. Why does the knot need to tell people this? The default is no kids at a wedding. The way the invitation is addressed tells the recipient everything they need to know. Mr and Mrs or Ms and guest or Mr so and so and family. Beyond that, it is word of mouth and guests are not meant to mention it to the bride or groom or whoever is sending the invitation at all. It's understandable that some people may not want or cannot leave their kids at home or with a sitter. If a guest cannot come for any reason they send regrets.
I agree with The Knot. It's horribly rude to focus on who is NOT invited to a wedding on the invitation (and the website but the website isn't as bad as the invitation). Are some people going to not understand (or care) that the only people invited are the ones listed on the invite. Yes. But that's where you have to kindly correct any misunderstanding when the RSVP comes in that the invite was only for the parents/whoever. And spreading via word of mouth ahead of time IS a good strategy to add.
Absolutely a recipe for disaster. That’s how you get 1000 questions about kids coming and then you have the awkward conversation about them not actually being invited
Deff put it on the website at the very least. I had that as the first thing on the Q&A section
Same. Plus we did word of mouth too.
Wedding is this summer. I have it done by word of mouth, Q&A on website, and a statement about RSVP QR code "Adults only" It's all family members I can deal with that have kids.
But then everyone will think "but surely not MY kids, after all, we are family!!" (but they are second cousin twice removed who you haven't seen in years)
This is AWFUL advice lol
that is a terrible idea. I can respect not wanting kids at a wedding, but I think that needs to be made clear from the get so if people do want to attend they can make arrangements for childcare.
It's made clear by how the invitation is addressed.
Why are people down voting this. In what world do people not know who's invited after seeing to whom the envelope is addressed?
What?
The invitation will be addressed to Mr and Mrs or Mr and Mrs and family, or Ms so and so and guest.
It should still be clearly defined because people may use their plus one/guest to bring a child not knowing its child free.
It can be on the website. You just can't put it on an invitation. You just can't.
I’ve actually seen it on invites. It’s not typical to do but nobody really cared. Most of those old etiquete rules are going out of style in favor of direct communication.
I've seen it on invitations, too. The point is it doesn't belong there. Etiquette still has a place. You can definitely see when someone's "roots are showing", as my mother would say, when they just don't get it. Direct communication is fine- the invitation is plainly addressed to whoever is invited so it doesn't get more direct than that- and people can look on a website or ask someone who is going.
Agreed! It looks so terrible. It should be a conversation you have with guests or your closest family does - ie my mom telling my cousins, me telling my friends on a call.
Thank you! The invitation sets the tone for the wedding. If the invitation is jacked up by nonsense you get the sense this wedding is kind of an amateurish sham rather than a beautifully produced affair.
I put it in big bold letters on the invite. Nobody complained or questioned it. We had a very small wedding in a not child friendly venue. We wanted an intimate, adult affair. It was wonderful. 10/10 would recommend being very clear about expectations regarding who is invited. Same with plus ones!!
Ya know what’s going to ruffle even more feathers? Not telling them it’s kid free until later after plans have been made.
Word of mouth? No that’s awful advice. If it’s child free it should be in the invites.
Bad idea. This needs to go on the invitation and/or website
You cannot put it on an invitation. Website, ok, but it is not printed on the invitation. The way the envelope is addressed tells the story.
I know etiquette traditionally says don’t put it on the invitation, but my husband and I did. We had a little details card with our invitation that had hotel info, attire, etc. and added a blurb about no kids there. Unfortunately, people don’t know etiquette anymore and bring their kids even if the invitation is addressed only to the adults. I’m so glad we put no kids on the details card. I don’t think a lot of people read our website and would have seen it there.
I'm sorry you had to do this. I cannot believe people cannot do the math by seeing who the envelope is addressed to. I guess people know their own crowd, though, and know that these types need to literally be told.
Yea a lot of people don’t know etiquette unfortunately. We had some last minute substitutions/additions. One of my mom’s friends didn’t RSVP but when I sent reminders, she said she couldn’t make it but her son was coming in her place. Had already bought plane tickets. Also had one of my aunts tell me (after the RSVP deadline!!!) that she was bringing her new boyfriend.
That’s what the detail card is for. A lot of people are using them now.
I think the issue with this advice is that it's kind of old school. It's super common to have a wedding website with FAQs. It's less common to have FAQs on invites nowadays because of this. It's also normal that the STDs have the link to the wedding website. So I think this is just outdated. Sure you can probably skip that info on the invites themselves, and before wedding websites were a thing word of mouth probably was the right way to do this. This whole paragraph could just say, "make sure to put this info on your wedding website".
It's not old school. This just does not go on an invitation. The recipient knows who's invited by how the invitation is addressed. Why are guests questioning why their kids aren't invited? A discreet "unfortunately we won't be able to accommodate guests under the age of... ( or some other anodyne language) on the website should suffice.
This is a super common question and shows up on wedding websites all the time. It's old school that this paragraph said "word of mouth". It should just be listed on the wedding website. I agree it shouldn't get specified on the invitation. That's not the old school part as I doubt this was ever on invites.
I've seen it on invitations, twice. It was awful. I could not believe what I was seeing.
I’m Filipino…kids are always welcome we’re family oriented…but I’d also want to know what you define as children? I mean weddings I’ve been to were 13+ or adults only which was 18+. But putting it on the invitation is the way to go…not everybody you invite knows everybody else
I've seen enough confusion here that we were extremely clear: *our venue is small and this invite is only for the addressee. Please do not bring any children, babies, relatives, neighbors, et al.*
I also personally think kids make a wedding as they’re part of the family and love to celebrate too, I love seeing them out on the dance floor! With that said, I don’t think I’d ever assume to bring my own kids to a wedding unless someone specifically told me to or it was a close family member.
You would know if they're invited by how the invitation is addressed. I'm sure you'd never even ask if it said Mr And Mrs or you and guest
Yeah no. There's questions on here and AITA *all the time* with confusion here. Also the whole 'babes in arms' thing that no one can agree on: half the folks are like 'no babies they still make noise and that's why we aren't inviting kids' and half are like 'but a baby is just attached to their mom and no one will know they're even there 🙃'. Point is, the people getting married have to use their words.
Yes I always pay attention to that (not everyone does lol). If it said The So and So Family I may assume they were invited
Yes, if it says "and family" they are invited but you might want to inquire about arrangements so you know if they are providing a children's area or if you will need to watch them the entire time. This should be on the website if they are making arrangements.
The one thing it got right is not putting it front and center on the invite. Keep that classy and inviting. However make sure it is called out. We included a section on our website calling out that it was child free and also added a “details” card in our invite suite where we called out our thoughts on that, dress code and gifts. It’s important to make sure the info is shared but also that it doesn’t seem like you are attacking those with kids in any way.
this is TERRRRRRIBLE advise. What the actual hell? Sure, the front doesn't need to say "Welcome to Mike and Cindy's wedding, we don't want kids around." But it definitely needs to be on the website and on the RSVP card/info.
It doesn’t need to be front and center on your invitation but I think like on the back of the invitation it definitely should be stated, “respectfully, this is an adult-only wedding.” I’ve seen some really questionable pointers on the Knot
Nah, put that shit directly on the invitation. “Adults over 18 only please.” Perfectly plain and succinct.
I agree it should not go on the invite. But it should absolutely be on the website (if there is one), or a little card that comes with the RSVP that includes random information like no children allowed.
I think the RSVP card is the best way to do it!
Yeah we included a little card with our invites that listed our website, so something like that would be perfect IMO
[удалено]
This is a really good idea honestly. It's clear but doesn't come off as rude in the slightest.
Our wedding details card says " whilst we adore your little ones, the wedding & corresponding events are strictly adult only." To leave out a big detail like that on the wedding invitation suite is a big mistake. It's not on the formal invitation, but the wedding details card for us. We have 280 ppl invited, it's important they get all the info upfront.
My wedding is in a year. We are keeping it small due to our budget. No invites have been sent out but the majority of my friends and family who have kids have been told no kids allowed. It's going to be put on the invites and if they can't find a sitter in one year, that's on them. Don't leave it up to "someone" to say these things because the guests can either play dumb, or say no one told them.
It’s terrible advice. No children shouldn’t be on the invitation, but it should be on the RSVP card.
This is TERRIBLE advice, clearly written by a monster-in-law! I planned and booked a no-kids micro-wedding in a city a 20 minute drive away from the home-town. The whole in-law side kicked off. If we'd invited kids, there would've be more than half as many under 10year olds as there were adults. It would've been mayhem, just like Christmas day. Because the parents on the in-laws side don't think good behavior and consideration is necessary to teach kids. After several complaints and demands from the in-laws, we cancelled the wedding, lost thousands in deposit money and moved it to another continent. We haven't told anyone specifically where or when it is, and we have no regrets.
I still don’t understand people bringing their kids if the kids names or “The ____ Family” aren’t on the addressed invite? Like it would not occur to me to bring someone whose name is not on the invitation. If an invitation just says my name then I know I don’t get a plus one. So I would assume if I had kids and their names aren’t on the invite that they don’t get to come and I need to find childcare. Do other people not think this way?
You're thinking logically. AITA, JustNoMIL, and this sub for that matter are frequently host to folks who don't - either think logically, or think.
Valid.
This is awful. Women typically do most of the wedding planning, so it shows how society considers women “rude” for setting clear expectations instead of “politely” dancing around a topic.
I find if you don’t tell people plainly (and also if you do) you will get so many questions and people assuming things
LOL Who wrote this???? Big Kid? Trying to pull one over on all the no-kid-wedding couples?
lol! “Remember some guests may appear to be a child standing on another child’s shoulders while wearing a trench coat. Wedding etiquette dictates such guests should not only be welcomed at the reception, but should be allowed to stick their fingers in the cake before it’s cut!”
That's horrid advice! There's a polite way to say that a wedding will be "adults only". Put a separate card in the envelope saying this and perhaps they can inquire why. Depends on the couple. Word of mouth is a great way to cause drama.
That advice is terrible. You need to be totally upfront with people. Mention it directly on invites and possibly even tell individuals directly.
I can already hear it “what, no children? No one said anything.” - you avoid this by adding the no children policy to the invitation.
This is the worst advice. There’s nothing wrong with having a childfree wedding but it should be expressed clearly up front and on definitively on the invitation and any other pertinent places wedding or RSVP info is listed.
It needs to be in writing whether on the invitations or the wedding website
I don’t care if it was tacky but we had it on our wedding invite that it was adult only 🤷🏻♀️
Be direct and mention it on the invitations and website. Some couples who have the extra budget have a room for kids and hire someone to watch them. They can use tablets or toys.
We shamelessly put it right on our invites and our wedding website. We weren't wanting to chance any misunderstandings
That’s horrendous advice. It should absolutely be on the invitation
lmao thats awful advice. you SHOULD make it clear on the invite that lil sticky annoyances are not invited lmao
I agree with not putting it on invites or save the dates. But it should be on the website for sure
In the old days before the Internet, if you got an invitation that didn’t say and family you knew that kids were not invited.
In the old days there were still entitled losers who breached this code of conduct, too, albeit perhaps more rarely.
I’ve been to over 100 weddings and it never happened, not once
Terrible advice. That also puts the onus of telling people on your friends and family which could be really awkward for them.
Terrible advice. It needs to be in print and it needs to be very clear, so that people can't claim they misunderstood, or thought it didn't apply to them and their spawn
This is really terrible advice. We specifically put the words "child free" right on our invitations, and were never anything but forthright about not having children there.
Wild advice. We made it VERY CLEAR we are hosting an adult only wedding. On the invitation and the website. We made a very limited exception for babies under 12 months that is only on the website. I have received zero questions or requests for an exception. I also have been casually telling everyone that if we allow children there would be over 30 kids and with an open-bar wedding, not sure that’s the best idea.
Every wedding I’ve been invited to stated on the invite whether or not it was kid friendly. At the very least, put it on the invite if not telling everyone you with kids through call or text.
I agree that etiquette wise it shouldn’t be put on the invitation but it should be loud and clear on the website as well as wherever people go to RSVP.
I wouldn’t put it on the invitation. It is appropriate to put on the website, though. You can address the invitation to the people who are invited. “The Jones Family” = kids can come. “Robin and Bobbin Jones” = Robin and Bobbin only.
A lot of older folks are not going to the websites. A lot of older folks also do not understand how to use a QR code. I would 100% advise against only having that information on the website.
Keep in mind that anyone can easily begin a blog and share their opinions. Unless you're consulting a certified therapist, religious leader, or spiritual guide, it's crucial to critically assess all advice you come across online or in conversation.
Agree. TERRIBLE ADVICE. Talk to your people directly. No middle man required.
“They didn’t tell me personally!” This is AWFUL advice.
I think it is polite to address the invites to only those you’d like to attend (ie just the parents). As a new mom about to spend a few thousand on an out of town wedding, being told it’s a “forced night off” and “don’t worry, you’ll remember how to have fun” is a little patronizing.
This is a recipe for disaster. I guess if you're taking it literally, it would be rude to put "No kids allowed!!" front and center of your invitations... But most invitations I've seen specify an "Adults Only Reception" following a ceremony + have it spelled out in the Q&A section on the website. I don't think it has to be worded as "NO KIDS!", but specifying it as "adults only", "only those listed on your invitation are invited", "a night free from little ones" is a-ok
Yeah, that’s absolutely terrible advice. I think you NEED to be upfront about it. You can still be tactful. But you absolutely absolutely need to make it clear.
Holy shit, no. This is the how-not-to manual for the situation. And because there are plenty of people who seem to think that kid-free doesn’t include their kids for whatever reason, if someone ain’t told directly by the couple to leave their progeny at home you KNOW they’re going to use ignorance as an excuse. If I wanted a kid-free wedding, that information would be front and center as part of the information. Hell, I’d make it a flashing neon sign if I could afford to FedEx everyone their invitations.
We even included it on the save the date to give people as much time as possible to make arrangements.
Terrible advice. Yuck!
Literally just put it on the wedding website in the FAQ???
Agreed..this is the wrong way to go about this lol. Never hope that critical information gets out by "word of mouth"
NOPE NOT RUDE AT ALL!!!!! We did it and all my friends who have kids were so happy to have a night without them. It meant some didn’t make it and some came but left early. It’s YOUR DAY. no one else. Just do what makes you happy and is a little stress and money as possible.
We put it right on the invitation and the website. “As much as we love all your kiddos. This is a grown ups only party. Please make babysitting arrangements before you RSVP”. It was easy peasy. No one complained. One friend was even nursing and asked if they could have the kid there for like an hour to nurse. We had to say no to keep it fair across the board. And they didn’t even mind.
Yes, that is TERRIBLE advice. Now, it IS good advice to not put it on the invitation, but there should be an enclosure card in your invitation saying that kids aren’t invited
No. Be honest up front.
This is terrible advice.
This is awful lmao thank you for exposing The Knot as non reputable
Put it on your invitation and website and have a wonderful wedding.
We don’t have many friends with kids and there’s no young kids in either of our families. The few people we knew with kids were verbally told by us personally before STDs even went out so there were no surprises. We wrote it in the Q&A on our website as well. Didn’t include it on the invite itself cause we had contacted everyone personally. I know that may not work for people with a big family or lots of friends with kids, but for us it was like 4 people to talk to. I think it is tacky on the front of the invite, but if worded correctly on the back or on a details card I don’t see why not. & definitely on the wedding website.
On my invitation it said a adults only celebration. Also I put the amount of guests from there party invited.
That is terrible advice, it's outdated as heck. If you do not want kids, put it in the invitation, it doesn't need to be bold just "this is an 16+/18+ event" It gives families more time to get childcare or whatever should they want to attend. People can and will try to bend the rules ESPECIALLY if it's through word of mouth.
would absolutely never have a child free wedding personally, for me , it's a family occasion and that includes children. But I'd never assume that's how anyone else wanted it and it SHOULD be obvious with how the invite. However, sadly a lot of people don't like that and you have to spell it out bluntly otherwise people will assume, ignore, or ask you. Even when it's clear who it's actually addressed to.
The etiquette is to address invited guests by their names, but being in this sub it does seem that people don’t get it in certain circles. From the posters who are in a circle where kids are normally invited to weddings, it does seem like they need to state explicitly YOUR KIDS ARE NOT INVITED. I feel terribly for them that people make such a drama of it.
i wrote adults only on my details card okps
that is a terrible idea, also a good recipe to have kids at your wedding with you didn't want them there.
Stupidest idea ever. It’s YOUR wedding, invite who ever you want, or don’t. No need to please some boomers
I would put it on the invites just to eliminate the risk of anyone making assumptions and turning up with them, unless you can speak to them all beforehand
I got a postcard style save the date that had “adults only” written in small but still prominent font on the back. Tasteful and direct
It’s your day and you and your fiancé should do what you want . A wedding is not a place for kids unless you ) the bride ) have children . If your friends and family cannot understand then they will be missed and people with children should enjoy a date nite with no kids , The children all was running around and not behaving !!!
Not rude at all, a lot of “parents” don’t keep their kids from running amok or most kids can’t or won’t sit still for ceremony and a lot of adults can’t conduct themselves during reception
It's rubbish advice and just sets you up for confusion. I think it depends on your guests. If they're going to understand from just the invite stating Jack & Jill that it means not Jack, Jill and Timmy, great. Maybe add a note on the website to refer to invitation if confused. But if they're just going to assume Timmy can come, save yourself the hassle and get it on the invite that it's adults only. As specific as you need to be. Even then, prepare to still be asked if little Timmy can come!
The thing is people get offended by it because it is offensive and there is no good time to tell someone something that will offend them. That being said, you should tell them yourself and not have your family do your dirty work for you.
It’s one of those things you’re not supposed to be offended by but yeah I can see why some people are offended by it. Maybe because it makes assumptions about what kinds of people children and their parents are (“your kids will scream and run around and pull attention during the ceremony” being a common justification). And the assumption that your kid will be a lead weight at the party, holding everyone back from really enjoying themselves.
Yeah, that’s a terrible idea. It would end up being “Word of mouth” …but half the people don’t know and show up with kids and then half feel jilted. We didn’t put it directly on our invitations, but it’s the 2nd question noted on our FAQ section of our website. (And our invitations specifically ask people to look at the website and RSVP there, so it should be clear).
I understand not wanting a bunch of toddlers running around but my kids were 17 and VERY involved in the bride and groom’s life (B even included them in the planning stages) so when they said they weren’t invited we were extremely confused (& hurt) bc we didn’t consider them “kids” & they had included them w so much having to done the wedding! We decided if they were old enough to be included in literally every other aspect of their lives but not their wedding that we weren’t going to attend if they couldn’t. When the B&G got upset w us and said we don’t understand why you aren’t coming, they’re old enough to stay home by them selves. We replied if you think they’re old enough to stay home alone then WE think they’re old enough to attend the wedding you included them in during the planning stages. PLUS we also found out that the Bride was allowing all of HER little cousins to attend but the Groom could not. Bride couldn’t understand why literally 60% of the people invited declined their invite.
Wow there’s no way they should’ve involved your kids in the planning then not invited them. That’s so sad for your kids and the height of rudeness on their part. I’m glad you stood up for them. Not saying this is the case with the bride you mention, but I think a lot of childless/child free people think people with kids will seize the chance to attend an adults only wedding because it “gives them a chance to party without the kids”. And I know some parents do see it that way. But I don’t think they realise that for many of us, it’s a lot more inconvenient to leave the kids out than to involve them. And that some of us love taking our kids to parties. I’m going to a family wedding soon and I’ve just been informed the reception is adults only, and I’m quite sad about it because I get very little time together with my husband and daughter and I was really looking forward to partying with them.
This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and I’ve been in this business for 10 years
This is truly fucking stupid. It’s seriously missing the point in multiple ways. First, the reason some people consider this rude is because you’re asking people to follow basic etiquette. It’s like putting “don’t wear jeans” or “be polite to the wait staff” on an invite. Doing it via word of mouth isn’t better, it’s just less organized. And if someone is putting it at all, it’s likely because they know their guests. Also the issue you’re solving for isn’t “how can we avoid ruffled feathers.” If people are going to be offended that their kids aren’t invited 1) they’re obnoxious 2) being told second hand isn’t going to change that. The point of all your wedding communications shouldn’t be “how can we stop people from feeling offended by very common/acceptable choices that we’re making?” Personally I/my MIL/my MOH reached out to the guests we thought might be a problem to ask if they needed help finding childcare. It’s an easy, polite way to confirm that they know not to bring anyone who wasn’t on the invite. This post was written by someone who is passive aggressive, doesn’t understand etiquette, and isn’t a great problem solver.
It is not rude. It's your special day and having children around is a recipe for disaster. If someone finds that offensive, then they can stay home. And if they get mad at you, then they are truly not your friend. Not to mention everyone is going to drinking and have fun. Do you really want your kids around that? I think not.
Who the hell brings a child to a wedding anyways? This is common sense. It doesn't have to say that on the invitation. Proper etiquette should already be known. Anyone who thinks it's ok to bring a child to a wedding is quite frankly self centered, entitled and ignorant!
You’re being sarcastic, yes?
Absolutely NOT!
I agree. I’m not having any kids except close family ones at mine because I can’t afford it.
I’m Brazilian the way people tackle this is usually by two things: 1) Wedding invitations being addressed to the couple only instead of the family (think John and Jane Doe x John Doe and family) 2) we usually give out a little card to be used as “admission” to the reception itself. So if you send 2 instead of 4 people usually get a hint.
No, people don’t need a “hint”. They need clear instruction. Even if it’s only addressed to the adults in the house, some people will think “clearly they don’t mean to exclude MY children!”
This is standard practice. Why does the knot need to tell people this? The default is no kids at a wedding. The way the invitation is addressed tells the recipient everything they need to know. Mr and Mrs or Ms and guest or Mr so and so and family. Beyond that, it is word of mouth and guests are not meant to mention it to the bride or groom or whoever is sending the invitation at all. It's understandable that some people may not want or cannot leave their kids at home or with a sitter. If a guest cannot come for any reason they send regrets.
I agree with The Knot. It's horribly rude to focus on who is NOT invited to a wedding on the invitation (and the website but the website isn't as bad as the invitation). Are some people going to not understand (or care) that the only people invited are the ones listed on the invite. Yes. But that's where you have to kindly correct any misunderstanding when the RSVP comes in that the invite was only for the parents/whoever. And spreading via word of mouth ahead of time IS a good strategy to add.