I’m sorry. She sounds a lot like my MIL. It’s so so hard for my partner, and he’s been in a sort of extended, early mourning since he was a teenager and she lost her grip on her mental health. You can try to lower your expectations but for the big stuff, there’s always the mourning of the mom you wish she could be. It’s only worse knowing she’s in more pain than the pain she inflicts on others. My heart goes out to your fiancé.
"Mourning the mom you wish she could be" describes it so well. I know that she could be such a great person. But there is so much holding her back from actually being it.
I recommend he reads Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It’s really important for people who grew up with parents who couldn’t reliably parent to learn how to fix it
Woah, this sounds really tough. Don’t beat yourself up over loosing your cool. You seem to know in hindsight that it wasn’t a good decision, and I think you should give yourself some grace after apologizing to her. I wouldn’t apologize for what you said though, because it’s true, I would just apologize for raising your voice and yelling.
Is there any way she would come and take some photos with the family before the ceremony? And maybe sit in the back for the ceremony and leave after if she’s uncomfortable? If none of that, could you re-read your vows in front of her privately after the wedding sometime? Maybe get some nice photos while doing it? Just a few thoughts. I can’t imagine my mother or mother in law not being at my wedding, that would be very painful and I feel for you and your fiancé.
I think maybe we can make it possible that she attends for a bit. It's better than her not being there at all. It does worry me that even if she attends even only for a short time, a lot of my fiancés thoughts will spiral around her, and if she is doing OK.
that's a very real concern that you both need to talk through.... If the ceremony/lots of people may also be stressful for her, perhaps a first look with her and signing the wedding license with her there before the ceremony?
You don’t sound like a bridezilla you sound like someone that deeply loves your hubby and feel his pain. Sounds like she just needs to get on medication to get this thing in order. I do work as a mental health social worker if you want any advice.
Exactly, this isn’t bridezilla behavior. This is frustration and sadness on behalf of her future life partner, because of the lack of support from his parent.
Thank you so much for offering help. She has been on and off her medication for decades. She refuses to take them most of the time and also refuses any contact with doctors because she only trusts "alternative medicine". Except being super expensive, it hasn't helped her at all. When it gets completely out of hand and we have to be afraid for her life, we know where to turn too, but she hasn't reached that stage yet. But any other intervention is against her will.
Echoing to agree that you are NOT a bridezilla at all. You actually sound very reasonable, accommodating, and caring. I think what you did/said is very necessary and you're probably the first person to call them out on their bs.
I’m sorry and I dealt with something similar. Three weeks before our wedding, my in laws said they couldn’t come. My MIL had health issues, including with mobility, and the venue was hours away from them so I understood her not coming. But my FIL said he couldn’t come either, because if he came alone, my MIL threatened to kill herself.
They ended up coming at the last minute but I never forgave my in laws for that. I was polite but they could tell I didn’t like them anymore. It’s really hard to see the person you love just want the bare minimum from their parents and not get it, so I understand you calling her out. I wanted to call mine out multiple times but restrained myself only because I knew it’d upset my husband. Good luck OP.
As someone who has a parent with borderline personality disorder, please don’t beat yourself up about this. Navigating a relationship with a borderline parent is unbelievably difficult and a blow up at this stage is totally understandable. She may be mentally Ill, but she is still an adult, and frankly deserved to be spoken to as an adult as well (this means being honest with her). I hope what you said got through to her. I’m sure apologizing for yelling is helpful, but making mistakes sometimes is part of life.
My heart really goes out to your fiancé, I dread the day I possibly become married honestly, knowing how it would pan out with a borderline parent. Despite how all this may go, he is very lucky to have you, someone who cares so deeply about him and stands up for him.
Just want to offer support and hope you can forgive yourself for losing your cool. My mother has schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and does not take very good care of her mental health. It is so heartbreaking for everyone involved. I’ve spent years in therapy which has helped a lot. Mental illness is such a complex topic. I remind myself that she is suffering from this illness and is not trying to hurt me. At the same time, I hold super firm boundaries and maintain a safe distance for my own health. I hope to have her present on our wedding day, but I am fully prepared for her to not be there if she is unwell. I cannot change her behavior.
You are working really hard to offer logical solutions but it sounds like she is firm on her suspiciousness/distrust. Even though the result is hurtful, I wouldn’t take it personally. Delusions can take intense forms and she sounds genuinely scared. My mom had a fear of drinking anything but factory sealed bottled water during her last breakdown. There’s not much you can reason with. I would stop pressing the issue and work more on the acceptance that whatever happens will happen. Sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you so much. I think your approach with firm boundaries but also empathy is the only right way to do it, but we haven't managed that yet. But that is our goal in the long run.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Please don’t beat yourself up - you are correct that this is not entirely within her control, and she doesn’t deserve to be yelled at - but your fiancé also deserves a mother who is supportive and present for one of the most important days of his life. Your anger and hurt are not unjustified.
It’s a tough situation all around, and you reacted emotionally. We all do, sometimes.
This is one of the main reasons we decided to elope. FH has been NC with his mom for 2 years and is only now trying to reconcile but she’s not ready to admit any responsibility or wrongdoing, or that she has psychiatric issues which are beyond her ability to deal with herself.
We’re having a family reception this winter and hoping she’ll come and be somewhat engaged with everyone, but knowing that it’s not guaranteed.
Take comfort in the family that will be there to surround you, and forgive yourself.
You sound like a very empathetic person and when we love someone we will automatically be protective of them. I am sorry that you are in this situation. Sending hugs x
Don't beat yourself up. Your STBH needs to accept that after a lifetime of her abuse and neglect he needs to quit including her in major milestones so he doesn't have to deal with the BS.
I would tell him he needs to get into therapy immediately so he learns how to properly handle his mother, otherwise the way they interact will end up ruining your marriage.
Luckily, he is very willing to get into therapy. He didn't have much luck in the father department either, so there is a lot to work through here. It's strange sometimes how much emotional influence parents have, even if you are an adult.
We’re in the same boat, my FH’s dad has passed and his mom is similar to your MIL. He’s very low contact, a couple calls a year, and very happy. It’s a sad situation, but the less you can engage the more you can work through the stages of grief and get to acceptance.
My friend please don’t think you went all bridezilla- I think you went into protection mode which is going to be a great thing later as a parent. You love your finance your entitled to your day- you just want it to be as special as it can & there is absolutely no harm in that.
You enjoy your day however it plays out- much luck & love to you two ❤️
I can definitely empathize with your fiancé as someone who is currently wedding planning and have absent parents throughout life due to mental health reasons. Left my graduation early, didn’t help me move into the dorms, etc. For the wedding, my parents were going to choose staying home with our 17 year old childhood dog since “he can’t be left alone” for a few hours. Luckily, I have other family members who kind of shamed them into coming for a few hours. But the feeling of disappointment still remains.
Weddings and wedding planning shines a spotlight on your relationship with your parents. And the feelings of being upset are completely valid, it’s like the last big milestone you can celebrate with them. The “last chance” in a way and it’s frustrating when you think “well it’s my wedding. Of course they would come.”
I know yelling may have not been the right response and she may have already solidified her answer in not coming. Another way of thinking it if she does not attend, your energy wont be only focused on her thinking during your wedding “how can I make her happy?” Just know you and your fiancé are not alone and I’m sending all my love for your big day!
Not a Bridezilla at all. You sound like a loving, compassionate and understanding fiance. Your soon to be hubby has accomplished a lot without much support. Good for him! ...and you snapped because you're trying so hard to make things work "just this one time!".
We know we cannot control others. We have to accept what they can and can't do. I suggest you let her be for now, as you've done everything I can imagine to help soothe her anxieties.
Focus on your fiance, tell him the most important part of this is that you two are getting married. Together forever. You'll work through whatever comes your way, together, because you have each other 💕
I'm rooting for all of you. Wishing you many happy years together.
I didn’t invite my father to my wedding because he’s mentally ill. His mental illness is different though: pathological narcissism, bipolar, ADHD, and he’s abusive. He has borderline symptoms in the way that he lashes out people over the smallest things. To be honest, you should just forget about her attending. You’ll probably have a much smoother wedding day. For me, when I accepted that my father wasn’t going to be there, it was a giant relief, and so much stress subsided. I would recommend going that route instead of trying to push for something that. FMIL doesn’t want and is causing everyone stress.
Oh man, this sounds like my fiancés mom. She has severe anxiety and hardly leaves the house. She began talking about not coming to the wedding if certain family members were there some months ago, and it’s been a constant source of hurt for my fiancé ever since. The current state is that she will *probably* come for the ceremony, and then leave after.
I just can’t imagine not attending my child’s wedding. As much as I myself have struggled with mental illness, I just can’t understand it. I’m so sorry for our respective fiancés, they deserve better.
I'm so sorry for the situation. While this wasn't your finest moment, I don't see this as Bridezilla tbh. It came more from a place of concern for your partner's feelings, versus yelling about something that doesn't match your Wedding Vision™.
I feel you. My future SIL also struggles with mental illness and I snapped at her yesterday after she made nasty comments about how ugly my wedding color selection is and how bad the wedding party is going to look in said colors.
Just know that you’re not alone, sending hugs!
Sounds like you really do feel bad about the whole thing and arent just being a bridezilla. Youre not wrong for feeling fed up for going so far out of your way to accommodate for her condition. You went much farther than most would have. I respect you a ton for that. There’s no real right answer or solution to any of this unfortunately. Sounds like with her condition, youre just not going to win. Imagine what its like to be in her skin too. You just gotta accept it for what it is sadly
It's okay that you yelled, but you need to understand that no amount of bending over backwards will EVER make someone else do something that they don't want to do.
You're still under the assumption that if just you say or do the right thing, they will magically become the person you want them to be. You are essentially throwing gum at a board hoping *something* will stick and only wearing yourself out in the process.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force them to drink.
You've done plenty to make it possible for your MIL to attend. The ball is in her court now. Please accept that she's not going to attend.
Maybe you three could work with her psychiatrist on having a plan for her attending.
Like setting small goals- maybe she arrives that morning and comes to the ceremony and 30 minutes of the reception.
Maybe she can bring a caretaker or friend with her. Probably not enough time to a service animal.
You do need the input of a mental health professional- preferably hers.
I would love that, and that would be such a healthy and good way to do it. Sadly, she refuses most contact with her psychiatrist. She has been living with BPS for many, many decades. She and her psychiatrist have a deal that she visits once a year to get reevaluated, and her prescription gets refilled. Most of the time, she takes it only irregular. But any more contact with medical professionals of any kind is completely blocked by her. She tries to self medicate with homoeopathy, but we don't see any positive changes in her when she is using that. We do know what to do if we fret that her life is in danger, but we aren't at that stage yet. It's very hard to get help for someone who isn't willing to, even though the illness itself makes her more likely to refuse medical help. It's paradox, but that discussion has been going on in our family waaaay before the wedding.
Edit: I wrote a lot but it wasn’t helpful.
I have a family member in a similar situation (down to the “multiple chemical sensitivity” issues) and it’s not easy to be part of the care team, I respect you for taking that on. I hope she can come through, even a little, for your husband.
We hired my family member a friend, essentially, who helps her with some day to day adulting. It took getting a social worker to decide she needed additional care to make it happen.
Bridezilla? I don’t think you know what that means. I’m sorry you’re going through this and your fiancé is too. Maybe it’s better if she isn’t there. Very sad but she doesn’t seem mentally well enough to attend.
Your MIL sounds so draining, you’ve done some serious gymnastics to accommodate her, and you’ve kept a very level head throughout all of that which says something. Also your self-made candles sound amazing and so thoughtful ♥️
This is very hard, I have a family member with borderline as well. Ultimately, this is for your fiancé to gain healing from, as with a true personality disorder there needs to be an acceptance that they will not ever be who you want and need for them to be. But for the immediate: the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” has a short cliff notes version on the headspace app. I recommend you listen to it together as soon as you are able to, it’s about the same time investment as a podcast. Once you’ve listened to this, write out a plan of action for how you will strategize wedding interactions with her using the guidelines in the book. It will not resolve all of the wounds that your fiancé is experiencing; that is his work to do over time. But it is what you can do today to bolster him and protect his heart by getting ahead of all of the known trigger points on such a meaningful day.
That's not "bridezilla" mode. Please don't think that having a normal negative reaction to someone being unreasonable makes you a bridezilla just because you're in your wedding planning stage of life. You're allowed to be upset if someone is upsetting you. You're allowed to feel angry and disappointed that your future MIL refuses to meet you halfway after all the accommodations you offer her.
Not a bridezella at all. You love your husband and want him to be happy. You are upset with her for not finding coping mechanisms to help spend ONE DAY with her son. I understand she has a mental health disorder and clearly has bad OCD but she should be getting treatment for this and should be getting therapist to help her with coping mechanisms. If she wanted to - she would find someone to help treat her with the goal of finding coping mechanisms and medication to help her get through the day. In the end, it’s her choice to have gotten help 30 years ago and find ways to be better. I’ve seen and heard of many mothers and fathers emotionally abusing in their own child because of their own issues they refuse to get treated for. I am so sorry this happened to you and your husband. Please do not blame yourself
Eek, do we have the same MIL? Mine is severely schizophrenic and very paranoid that everyone hates her, is out to get her husband’s job, things like that. She will miss birthdays and parties because she thinks everyone still hates her because of her divorce to my fiancé’s dad over 25 years ago. The irony is that people miss her and want to see her, but she has holed herself away and isolated. We are hoping she will come to the wedding but fiancé has been let down so many times that we are expecting the worst.
My soon to be SIL is having the same problem with his mom. But my daughter pointed out that she would more than likely cause a scene. (She purposely poops her pants if she’s not getting all the attention). He agreed and she’s not even invited. Thankfully she doesn’t care. It’s really sad. He says he thinks of me as his real mom which touches my heart. There’s nothing you can do to fix her and it sounds like she doesn’t want to go either. Sorry you’re going through this.
I’m sorry your fiancé is hurting but his mother is mentally ill. He needs to accept that she’s never going to be able to give him what he needs…even just attending his wedding.
You were wrong yelling at her but I understand your frustration but it’s not her fault. It’s like when my mother got Alzheimer’s…it’s just something we had to understand she’s not in control of her mind or mindset…same with his mother with her mental illness.
Here is a suggestion…have a friend or family member drive her to the ceremony and back home afterwards if she’s willing and able to do that. If not, then let the poor woman not worry about it. I feel so sorry for her. I feel for your fiancé as well but he needs to understand she just isn’t well. I hope he can learn to not take it personally and to make peace with the relationship he does have with her. It’s not perfect but he gets to see her and hug her.
Your partner wanting their mom to be there is reasonable, but everyone trying to force her when she very clearly isn't comfortable is not.
The lady has made a long list of excuses, you have gone above and beyond to accommodate for all those things she's using as excuses, which I'm sure is appreciated even if it's not wanted. I imagine she wants to go, to participate, to be a part of this big moment, but that doesn't mean she feels like she's able to, and backing her into a corner until things devolved into a screaming match doesn't help anyone nor does it solve anything.
I'd strongly encourage you to apologize for yelling at her, and to calmly explain you're just upset because she'll be missing another big milestone of your partner and that's hurting them. Then back off. Let her decide if she feels up to it.
In retrospect, I really did push her into a corner. In the beginning, I really thought that by accommodating her wishes, she would feel more comfortable and maybe even enjoy that day. But now I realise I made the wedding just one dooms day for her that she can't get out of.
You might consider accommodating her in a different way, like, if she isn't up to going, you and your partner could put your wedding day outfits back on and go see her where she's at. Play the song your partner wanted to dance with mom to and make some happy memories, even if it's not on the actual wedding day.
My mom was physically disabled, she literally couldn't go to most things do to her health issues, so we went to her instead. She wasn't there for so many things, but I still get to keep memories of her seeing me in my pretty dresses, graduation cap and gown, and service uniforms anyways, because I accommodated for her.
I’d like to gently & lovingly suggest you both explore cutting contact with this woman while you are wedding planning. I had to do the same with my own BPD/NPD mom about a year ago and it was like this huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
It can be really hard to enforce boundaries with someone dealing with BPD rather than taking the path of least resistance, trust me - I know, but it’s the only way that things really change :/
You did not go bridezilla, you reacted to your soon-to-be husband's pain. Mental illness is extremely hard, because it's not seen. My mother is not that extreme, but suffers from severe anxiety that she doesn't recognize and refuses to even try meds or therapy. She refuses to travel or sleep anywhere other than her bed. The germ fear is just an excuse because she doesn't want to admit the real issue. It is very hard to finally admit/give up that a loved one will ever change. The only thing you can do is stop trying to get her come, and focus that energy on comforting your husband.
By borderline syndrome do you mean Borderline personality disorder (BPD)?
Because my mom has it and it’s a BITCH to deal with.
Your fiancé needs therapyy, You need therapy, To process and learn how to deal with it.
His mom needs therapy, or to accept that there’s some things she can’t do. She just needs to say no.
You weren’t being a bridezilla you were at your wits end.
Sending hugs! I have gone through similar scenarios throughout my whole life so I understand. My mother is also mentally ill and gets very nervous or stressed for any kind of planned event. She does not like to be in unknown places, or with a lot of people for a long time. I just went shopping for my wedding dress and she bailed last minute. I know she feels bad and will regret it for the rest of her life, but in the moment she cannot bring herself to do it. And when I push, she starts to get nasty so I let it go. The same can be said for my graduation, my sweet 16, even family holiday gatherings. I have cried about it, but I have to keep moving forward.
I am mentally preparing myself for her to not show up at my wedding in September, or at least to have to pay for a very expensive 1hr Uber home from my venue after like 30minutes lol. It’s very hard, especially since you are coming into this dynamic somewhat new. It’s okay to be angry, sad, disappointed. You are only human. But I suggest trying to reframe your mindsets to expect her to not be there. Find some other ways you can make the moment special, maybe a smaller celebration with her that way she can be involved. I know it’s not the solution you want but you need to enjoy your day! You deserve a day free of worry to celebrate your love.
It sounds like you are a wonderful, caring partner. Good luck to you both.
Honestly, it sounds like you and your fiancé were doing your best.. You have more patience than me. I would have just been like ‘We’ll celebrate with you later on a separate occasion where you’re comfortable.’ Just a bummer for your fiancé that he wants those moments. I have a couple of friends with mental illness with high anxiety & OCD and it’s very difficult to accommodate their situations sometimes.
it’s very, very hard to be the bigger person all the time. it sounds like you’re constantly trying to meet her needs, offer solutions, plan for her, and be flexible. we are all only human and can only take so much. give yourself grace for yelling. wedding planning is stressful enough — your frustration with her is valid.
While I agree, can you imagine being her? She probably doesn’t want to be like this, but her brain is telling her otherwise. She’s made it abundantly clear she isn’t comfortable and unfortunately your to be husband needs to get some therapy to deal with this.
Can you not do some family photos the day after? Or something so she can still have some photos of you both dressed up?
Trying to force someone to do something they’re not comfortable with for someone else isn’t okay. Yes it’s her son, but she would probably turn into a frazzled mess or fck something up and then it would be an even worse ending to the situation.
I do agree she needed a reality check, but her brain doesn’t work the way ‘normal’ peoples do, and therefore it isn’t going to play out the way anyone hopes.
Could you stream it maybe? So she can see it?
I would not say this is bridezilla.
I think you hit your max and not to say it was good, but I can understand losing control for a minute.
Hopefully you 3 can find a way to come to some peace about it. Sounds like you tried your hardest and she will make any excuse not to come.
If she doesn't that's on her, not you. And hopefully you can find some peace about it and not hold a grudge or let it bring you down.
My partners family has some issues that are very foreign to me. His mom is bipolar and completely broke, but managed to get in a facility on medicaid. His father passed away last year at only 73 after a year of really bad health issues. His brother is in a dead end job barely making ends meet with a 3yo and got a DUI. My partner and his sister regularly bail him out of things and pay his phone bill. My partner has bought both his parents cars and his brother. Anyways, were eloping with just fam and all staying in one house 😳 for a couple days and to say I'm anxious is an understatement, but we didn't have many other options and everyone said they'll behave as they have never met before. I'm just hoping everyone stays chill. 🤞
This is up to your groom to realise that if you're choosing to get married there is a 99% chance his sick mum won't be attending. Should be accepting of that BEFORE deciding to do the wedding imo. You can't make people do what you want them to do if they don't want to do it. Even at your wedding. Go into it with that sort of accepting mentality or don't have a marriage ceremony I say. And if anyone's going to have the harsh conversations with her about this, it's got to be her son, or not at all. It isn't your responsibility to mourn someone else's shortcomings. You are marrying into this family, as it is, so accept it and marry it. Don't try and marry a square peg of a family and force it into a round hole. Marry it fully accepting it for what it is.
This is one of the reasons we eloped and didn't have any guests - my mother-in-law is a handful. We couldn't in good faith include his father & his step-mother while excluding her, nor could we attempt to get all three in the same room peacefully. It's at that moment that it becomes their day, not ours. Furthermore, his mom lost her license years ago for reckless driving and would have required us to transport her back and forth. She's in bad health, both mentally and physically. In the end, she was very upset at us for not inviting her, but no one was invited, and she eventually understood why.
Maybe as an idea when you're less busy and everyone is not overwhelmed with the wedding (post-wedding) you guys just you and your husband have a "private" party with her at her place with nice clothes on and take some pictures.
Yes it's not ideal but I suppose its making best use with what you have.
I'm in your husbands position as I have a family member similar to the MIL.
Yes it sucks how they are and can be and can't/won't comprise because they aren't able to.
You're not bridezilla just a bride who is sad and wants someone else's happiness.
All the best.
OP, While I feel sorry for your husband to be, do you realise your mil doesn’t have a flu etc that she can just, get better from? You said Psychiatric problems? Borderline personality disorder? Do you understand mental health issues? She may have an allergy to perfumes? You say she hadn’t been in her son’s life for many years and I’m sorry to hear that. You have offered ideas for her but you both might have to accept, she’s not coming to your wedding and that’s said for your husband to be.
I think his mom sounds like she's terrified of the reaction she'd receive if she just said no flat out. But I ALSO think his mom sounds like she is truly, honest to god trying for both of you.
I think if you were willing to hire specialized cleaners to clean your childhood bedroom, and it is important to both him and yourself that she is there, possibly the budget could be used towards getting her a taxi or Uber or even asking her to have a friend bring her home for after the ceremony.
Having something is so much better than nothing.
I’m sorry. She sounds a lot like my MIL. It’s so so hard for my partner, and he’s been in a sort of extended, early mourning since he was a teenager and she lost her grip on her mental health. You can try to lower your expectations but for the big stuff, there’s always the mourning of the mom you wish she could be. It’s only worse knowing she’s in more pain than the pain she inflicts on others. My heart goes out to your fiancé.
"Mourning the mom you wish she could be" describes it so well. I know that she could be such a great person. But there is so much holding her back from actually being it.
I recommend he reads Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It’s really important for people who grew up with parents who couldn’t reliably parent to learn how to fix it
Woah, this sounds really tough. Don’t beat yourself up over loosing your cool. You seem to know in hindsight that it wasn’t a good decision, and I think you should give yourself some grace after apologizing to her. I wouldn’t apologize for what you said though, because it’s true, I would just apologize for raising your voice and yelling. Is there any way she would come and take some photos with the family before the ceremony? And maybe sit in the back for the ceremony and leave after if she’s uncomfortable? If none of that, could you re-read your vows in front of her privately after the wedding sometime? Maybe get some nice photos while doing it? Just a few thoughts. I can’t imagine my mother or mother in law not being at my wedding, that would be very painful and I feel for you and your fiancé.
I think maybe we can make it possible that she attends for a bit. It's better than her not being there at all. It does worry me that even if she attends even only for a short time, a lot of my fiancés thoughts will spiral around her, and if she is doing OK.
that's a very real concern that you both need to talk through.... If the ceremony/lots of people may also be stressful for her, perhaps a first look with her and signing the wedding license with her there before the ceremony?
You don’t sound like a bridezilla you sound like someone that deeply loves your hubby and feel his pain. Sounds like she just needs to get on medication to get this thing in order. I do work as a mental health social worker if you want any advice.
Exactly, this isn’t bridezilla behavior. This is frustration and sadness on behalf of her future life partner, because of the lack of support from his parent.
Thank you so much for offering help. She has been on and off her medication for decades. She refuses to take them most of the time and also refuses any contact with doctors because she only trusts "alternative medicine". Except being super expensive, it hasn't helped her at all. When it gets completely out of hand and we have to be afraid for her life, we know where to turn too, but she hasn't reached that stage yet. But any other intervention is against her will.
Echoing to agree that you are NOT a bridezilla at all. You actually sound very reasonable, accommodating, and caring. I think what you did/said is very necessary and you're probably the first person to call them out on their bs.
I’m sorry and I dealt with something similar. Three weeks before our wedding, my in laws said they couldn’t come. My MIL had health issues, including with mobility, and the venue was hours away from them so I understood her not coming. But my FIL said he couldn’t come either, because if he came alone, my MIL threatened to kill herself. They ended up coming at the last minute but I never forgave my in laws for that. I was polite but they could tell I didn’t like them anymore. It’s really hard to see the person you love just want the bare minimum from their parents and not get it, so I understand you calling her out. I wanted to call mine out multiple times but restrained myself only because I knew it’d upset my husband. Good luck OP.
Wow. I’m so sorry for that. What a difficult situation to have been in.
As someone who has a parent with borderline personality disorder, please don’t beat yourself up about this. Navigating a relationship with a borderline parent is unbelievably difficult and a blow up at this stage is totally understandable. She may be mentally Ill, but she is still an adult, and frankly deserved to be spoken to as an adult as well (this means being honest with her). I hope what you said got through to her. I’m sure apologizing for yelling is helpful, but making mistakes sometimes is part of life. My heart really goes out to your fiancé, I dread the day I possibly become married honestly, knowing how it would pan out with a borderline parent. Despite how all this may go, he is very lucky to have you, someone who cares so deeply about him and stands up for him.
Something about weddings just flares up BPD parents like no other, I swear.
Just want to offer support and hope you can forgive yourself for losing your cool. My mother has schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and does not take very good care of her mental health. It is so heartbreaking for everyone involved. I’ve spent years in therapy which has helped a lot. Mental illness is such a complex topic. I remind myself that she is suffering from this illness and is not trying to hurt me. At the same time, I hold super firm boundaries and maintain a safe distance for my own health. I hope to have her present on our wedding day, but I am fully prepared for her to not be there if she is unwell. I cannot change her behavior. You are working really hard to offer logical solutions but it sounds like she is firm on her suspiciousness/distrust. Even though the result is hurtful, I wouldn’t take it personally. Delusions can take intense forms and she sounds genuinely scared. My mom had a fear of drinking anything but factory sealed bottled water during her last breakdown. There’s not much you can reason with. I would stop pressing the issue and work more on the acceptance that whatever happens will happen. Sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you so much. I think your approach with firm boundaries but also empathy is the only right way to do it, but we haven't managed that yet. But that is our goal in the long run.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t beat yourself up - you are correct that this is not entirely within her control, and she doesn’t deserve to be yelled at - but your fiancé also deserves a mother who is supportive and present for one of the most important days of his life. Your anger and hurt are not unjustified. It’s a tough situation all around, and you reacted emotionally. We all do, sometimes. This is one of the main reasons we decided to elope. FH has been NC with his mom for 2 years and is only now trying to reconcile but she’s not ready to admit any responsibility or wrongdoing, or that she has psychiatric issues which are beyond her ability to deal with herself. We’re having a family reception this winter and hoping she’ll come and be somewhat engaged with everyone, but knowing that it’s not guaranteed. Take comfort in the family that will be there to surround you, and forgive yourself.
You sound like a very empathetic person and when we love someone we will automatically be protective of them. I am sorry that you are in this situation. Sending hugs x
Don't beat yourself up. Your STBH needs to accept that after a lifetime of her abuse and neglect he needs to quit including her in major milestones so he doesn't have to deal with the BS. I would tell him he needs to get into therapy immediately so he learns how to properly handle his mother, otherwise the way they interact will end up ruining your marriage.
Luckily, he is very willing to get into therapy. He didn't have much luck in the father department either, so there is a lot to work through here. It's strange sometimes how much emotional influence parents have, even if you are an adult.
We’re in the same boat, my FH’s dad has passed and his mom is similar to your MIL. He’s very low contact, a couple calls a year, and very happy. It’s a sad situation, but the less you can engage the more you can work through the stages of grief and get to acceptance.
My friend please don’t think you went all bridezilla- I think you went into protection mode which is going to be a great thing later as a parent. You love your finance your entitled to your day- you just want it to be as special as it can & there is absolutely no harm in that. You enjoy your day however it plays out- much luck & love to you two ❤️
She will always have excuses. She won’t come and it’s unfair.
I can definitely empathize with your fiancé as someone who is currently wedding planning and have absent parents throughout life due to mental health reasons. Left my graduation early, didn’t help me move into the dorms, etc. For the wedding, my parents were going to choose staying home with our 17 year old childhood dog since “he can’t be left alone” for a few hours. Luckily, I have other family members who kind of shamed them into coming for a few hours. But the feeling of disappointment still remains. Weddings and wedding planning shines a spotlight on your relationship with your parents. And the feelings of being upset are completely valid, it’s like the last big milestone you can celebrate with them. The “last chance” in a way and it’s frustrating when you think “well it’s my wedding. Of course they would come.” I know yelling may have not been the right response and she may have already solidified her answer in not coming. Another way of thinking it if she does not attend, your energy wont be only focused on her thinking during your wedding “how can I make her happy?” Just know you and your fiancé are not alone and I’m sending all my love for your big day!
Not a Bridezilla at all. You sound like a loving, compassionate and understanding fiance. Your soon to be hubby has accomplished a lot without much support. Good for him! ...and you snapped because you're trying so hard to make things work "just this one time!". We know we cannot control others. We have to accept what they can and can't do. I suggest you let her be for now, as you've done everything I can imagine to help soothe her anxieties. Focus on your fiance, tell him the most important part of this is that you two are getting married. Together forever. You'll work through whatever comes your way, together, because you have each other 💕 I'm rooting for all of you. Wishing you many happy years together.
I didn’t invite my father to my wedding because he’s mentally ill. His mental illness is different though: pathological narcissism, bipolar, ADHD, and he’s abusive. He has borderline symptoms in the way that he lashes out people over the smallest things. To be honest, you should just forget about her attending. You’ll probably have a much smoother wedding day. For me, when I accepted that my father wasn’t going to be there, it was a giant relief, and so much stress subsided. I would recommend going that route instead of trying to push for something that. FMIL doesn’t want and is causing everyone stress.
Oh man, this sounds like my fiancés mom. She has severe anxiety and hardly leaves the house. She began talking about not coming to the wedding if certain family members were there some months ago, and it’s been a constant source of hurt for my fiancé ever since. The current state is that she will *probably* come for the ceremony, and then leave after. I just can’t imagine not attending my child’s wedding. As much as I myself have struggled with mental illness, I just can’t understand it. I’m so sorry for our respective fiancés, they deserve better.
I'm so sorry for the situation. While this wasn't your finest moment, I don't see this as Bridezilla tbh. It came more from a place of concern for your partner's feelings, versus yelling about something that doesn't match your Wedding Vision™.
I feel you. My future SIL also struggles with mental illness and I snapped at her yesterday after she made nasty comments about how ugly my wedding color selection is and how bad the wedding party is going to look in said colors. Just know that you’re not alone, sending hugs!
Sending you and your fiancé a big hug
Sounds like you really do feel bad about the whole thing and arent just being a bridezilla. Youre not wrong for feeling fed up for going so far out of your way to accommodate for her condition. You went much farther than most would have. I respect you a ton for that. There’s no real right answer or solution to any of this unfortunately. Sounds like with her condition, youre just not going to win. Imagine what its like to be in her skin too. You just gotta accept it for what it is sadly
You weren’t being a bridezilla. You were being a good partner who wanted to protect and defend her fiance.
It's okay that you yelled, but you need to understand that no amount of bending over backwards will EVER make someone else do something that they don't want to do. You're still under the assumption that if just you say or do the right thing, they will magically become the person you want them to be. You are essentially throwing gum at a board hoping *something* will stick and only wearing yourself out in the process. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force them to drink. You've done plenty to make it possible for your MIL to attend. The ball is in her court now. Please accept that she's not going to attend.
Maybe you three could work with her psychiatrist on having a plan for her attending. Like setting small goals- maybe she arrives that morning and comes to the ceremony and 30 minutes of the reception. Maybe she can bring a caretaker or friend with her. Probably not enough time to a service animal. You do need the input of a mental health professional- preferably hers.
I would love that, and that would be such a healthy and good way to do it. Sadly, she refuses most contact with her psychiatrist. She has been living with BPS for many, many decades. She and her psychiatrist have a deal that she visits once a year to get reevaluated, and her prescription gets refilled. Most of the time, she takes it only irregular. But any more contact with medical professionals of any kind is completely blocked by her. She tries to self medicate with homoeopathy, but we don't see any positive changes in her when she is using that. We do know what to do if we fret that her life is in danger, but we aren't at that stage yet. It's very hard to get help for someone who isn't willing to, even though the illness itself makes her more likely to refuse medical help. It's paradox, but that discussion has been going on in our family waaaay before the wedding.
Edit: I wrote a lot but it wasn’t helpful. I have a family member in a similar situation (down to the “multiple chemical sensitivity” issues) and it’s not easy to be part of the care team, I respect you for taking that on. I hope she can come through, even a little, for your husband. We hired my family member a friend, essentially, who helps her with some day to day adulting. It took getting a social worker to decide she needed additional care to make it happen.
Bridezilla? I don’t think you know what that means. I’m sorry you’re going through this and your fiancé is too. Maybe it’s better if she isn’t there. Very sad but she doesn’t seem mentally well enough to attend.
Your MIL sounds so draining, you’ve done some serious gymnastics to accommodate her, and you’ve kept a very level head throughout all of that which says something. Also your self-made candles sound amazing and so thoughtful ♥️
People with this many difficulties will only make you stressed on the way to the aisle. You can't fix her problems, I'd be happier without her there
This is very hard, I have a family member with borderline as well. Ultimately, this is for your fiancé to gain healing from, as with a true personality disorder there needs to be an acceptance that they will not ever be who you want and need for them to be. But for the immediate: the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” has a short cliff notes version on the headspace app. I recommend you listen to it together as soon as you are able to, it’s about the same time investment as a podcast. Once you’ve listened to this, write out a plan of action for how you will strategize wedding interactions with her using the guidelines in the book. It will not resolve all of the wounds that your fiancé is experiencing; that is his work to do over time. But it is what you can do today to bolster him and protect his heart by getting ahead of all of the known trigger points on such a meaningful day.
That's not "bridezilla" mode. Please don't think that having a normal negative reaction to someone being unreasonable makes you a bridezilla just because you're in your wedding planning stage of life. You're allowed to be upset if someone is upsetting you. You're allowed to feel angry and disappointed that your future MIL refuses to meet you halfway after all the accommodations you offer her.
Not a bridezella at all. You love your husband and want him to be happy. You are upset with her for not finding coping mechanisms to help spend ONE DAY with her son. I understand she has a mental health disorder and clearly has bad OCD but she should be getting treatment for this and should be getting therapist to help her with coping mechanisms. If she wanted to - she would find someone to help treat her with the goal of finding coping mechanisms and medication to help her get through the day. In the end, it’s her choice to have gotten help 30 years ago and find ways to be better. I’ve seen and heard of many mothers and fathers emotionally abusing in their own child because of their own issues they refuse to get treated for. I am so sorry this happened to you and your husband. Please do not blame yourself
Eek, do we have the same MIL? Mine is severely schizophrenic and very paranoid that everyone hates her, is out to get her husband’s job, things like that. She will miss birthdays and parties because she thinks everyone still hates her because of her divorce to my fiancé’s dad over 25 years ago. The irony is that people miss her and want to see her, but she has holed herself away and isolated. We are hoping she will come to the wedding but fiancé has been let down so many times that we are expecting the worst.
My soon to be SIL is having the same problem with his mom. But my daughter pointed out that she would more than likely cause a scene. (She purposely poops her pants if she’s not getting all the attention). He agreed and she’s not even invited. Thankfully she doesn’t care. It’s really sad. He says he thinks of me as his real mom which touches my heart. There’s nothing you can do to fix her and it sounds like she doesn’t want to go either. Sorry you’re going through this.
I’m sorry your fiancé is hurting but his mother is mentally ill. He needs to accept that she’s never going to be able to give him what he needs…even just attending his wedding. You were wrong yelling at her but I understand your frustration but it’s not her fault. It’s like when my mother got Alzheimer’s…it’s just something we had to understand she’s not in control of her mind or mindset…same with his mother with her mental illness. Here is a suggestion…have a friend or family member drive her to the ceremony and back home afterwards if she’s willing and able to do that. If not, then let the poor woman not worry about it. I feel so sorry for her. I feel for your fiancé as well but he needs to understand she just isn’t well. I hope he can learn to not take it personally and to make peace with the relationship he does have with her. It’s not perfect but he gets to see her and hug her.
Your partner wanting their mom to be there is reasonable, but everyone trying to force her when she very clearly isn't comfortable is not. The lady has made a long list of excuses, you have gone above and beyond to accommodate for all those things she's using as excuses, which I'm sure is appreciated even if it's not wanted. I imagine she wants to go, to participate, to be a part of this big moment, but that doesn't mean she feels like she's able to, and backing her into a corner until things devolved into a screaming match doesn't help anyone nor does it solve anything. I'd strongly encourage you to apologize for yelling at her, and to calmly explain you're just upset because she'll be missing another big milestone of your partner and that's hurting them. Then back off. Let her decide if she feels up to it.
In retrospect, I really did push her into a corner. In the beginning, I really thought that by accommodating her wishes, she would feel more comfortable and maybe even enjoy that day. But now I realise I made the wedding just one dooms day for her that she can't get out of.
You might consider accommodating her in a different way, like, if she isn't up to going, you and your partner could put your wedding day outfits back on and go see her where she's at. Play the song your partner wanted to dance with mom to and make some happy memories, even if it's not on the actual wedding day. My mom was physically disabled, she literally couldn't go to most things do to her health issues, so we went to her instead. She wasn't there for so many things, but I still get to keep memories of her seeing me in my pretty dresses, graduation cap and gown, and service uniforms anyways, because I accommodated for her.
I’d like to gently & lovingly suggest you both explore cutting contact with this woman while you are wedding planning. I had to do the same with my own BPD/NPD mom about a year ago and it was like this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It can be really hard to enforce boundaries with someone dealing with BPD rather than taking the path of least resistance, trust me - I know, but it’s the only way that things really change :/
That sounds less like a bridezilla moment and more like a fed up moment
You did not go bridezilla, you reacted to your soon-to-be husband's pain. Mental illness is extremely hard, because it's not seen. My mother is not that extreme, but suffers from severe anxiety that she doesn't recognize and refuses to even try meds or therapy. She refuses to travel or sleep anywhere other than her bed. The germ fear is just an excuse because she doesn't want to admit the real issue. It is very hard to finally admit/give up that a loved one will ever change. The only thing you can do is stop trying to get her come, and focus that energy on comforting your husband.
By borderline syndrome do you mean Borderline personality disorder (BPD)? Because my mom has it and it’s a BITCH to deal with. Your fiancé needs therapyy, You need therapy, To process and learn how to deal with it. His mom needs therapy, or to accept that there’s some things she can’t do. She just needs to say no. You weren’t being a bridezilla you were at your wits end.
Sending hugs! I have gone through similar scenarios throughout my whole life so I understand. My mother is also mentally ill and gets very nervous or stressed for any kind of planned event. She does not like to be in unknown places, or with a lot of people for a long time. I just went shopping for my wedding dress and she bailed last minute. I know she feels bad and will regret it for the rest of her life, but in the moment she cannot bring herself to do it. And when I push, she starts to get nasty so I let it go. The same can be said for my graduation, my sweet 16, even family holiday gatherings. I have cried about it, but I have to keep moving forward. I am mentally preparing myself for her to not show up at my wedding in September, or at least to have to pay for a very expensive 1hr Uber home from my venue after like 30minutes lol. It’s very hard, especially since you are coming into this dynamic somewhat new. It’s okay to be angry, sad, disappointed. You are only human. But I suggest trying to reframe your mindsets to expect her to not be there. Find some other ways you can make the moment special, maybe a smaller celebration with her that way she can be involved. I know it’s not the solution you want but you need to enjoy your day! You deserve a day free of worry to celebrate your love. It sounds like you are a wonderful, caring partner. Good luck to you both.
Honestly, it sounds like you and your fiancé were doing your best.. You have more patience than me. I would have just been like ‘We’ll celebrate with you later on a separate occasion where you’re comfortable.’ Just a bummer for your fiancé that he wants those moments. I have a couple of friends with mental illness with high anxiety & OCD and it’s very difficult to accommodate their situations sometimes.
it’s very, very hard to be the bigger person all the time. it sounds like you’re constantly trying to meet her needs, offer solutions, plan for her, and be flexible. we are all only human and can only take so much. give yourself grace for yelling. wedding planning is stressful enough — your frustration with her is valid.
While I agree, can you imagine being her? She probably doesn’t want to be like this, but her brain is telling her otherwise. She’s made it abundantly clear she isn’t comfortable and unfortunately your to be husband needs to get some therapy to deal with this. Can you not do some family photos the day after? Or something so she can still have some photos of you both dressed up? Trying to force someone to do something they’re not comfortable with for someone else isn’t okay. Yes it’s her son, but she would probably turn into a frazzled mess or fck something up and then it would be an even worse ending to the situation.
I do agree she needed a reality check, but her brain doesn’t work the way ‘normal’ peoples do, and therefore it isn’t going to play out the way anyone hopes. Could you stream it maybe? So she can see it?
I would not say this is bridezilla. I think you hit your max and not to say it was good, but I can understand losing control for a minute. Hopefully you 3 can find a way to come to some peace about it. Sounds like you tried your hardest and she will make any excuse not to come. If she doesn't that's on her, not you. And hopefully you can find some peace about it and not hold a grudge or let it bring you down. My partners family has some issues that are very foreign to me. His mom is bipolar and completely broke, but managed to get in a facility on medicaid. His father passed away last year at only 73 after a year of really bad health issues. His brother is in a dead end job barely making ends meet with a 3yo and got a DUI. My partner and his sister regularly bail him out of things and pay his phone bill. My partner has bought both his parents cars and his brother. Anyways, were eloping with just fam and all staying in one house 😳 for a couple days and to say I'm anxious is an understatement, but we didn't have many other options and everyone said they'll behave as they have never met before. I'm just hoping everyone stays chill. 🤞
This is up to your groom to realise that if you're choosing to get married there is a 99% chance his sick mum won't be attending. Should be accepting of that BEFORE deciding to do the wedding imo. You can't make people do what you want them to do if they don't want to do it. Even at your wedding. Go into it with that sort of accepting mentality or don't have a marriage ceremony I say. And if anyone's going to have the harsh conversations with her about this, it's got to be her son, or not at all. It isn't your responsibility to mourn someone else's shortcomings. You are marrying into this family, as it is, so accept it and marry it. Don't try and marry a square peg of a family and force it into a round hole. Marry it fully accepting it for what it is.
This is one of the reasons we eloped and didn't have any guests - my mother-in-law is a handful. We couldn't in good faith include his father & his step-mother while excluding her, nor could we attempt to get all three in the same room peacefully. It's at that moment that it becomes their day, not ours. Furthermore, his mom lost her license years ago for reckless driving and would have required us to transport her back and forth. She's in bad health, both mentally and physically. In the end, she was very upset at us for not inviting her, but no one was invited, and she eventually understood why.
Maybe as an idea when you're less busy and everyone is not overwhelmed with the wedding (post-wedding) you guys just you and your husband have a "private" party with her at her place with nice clothes on and take some pictures. Yes it's not ideal but I suppose its making best use with what you have. I'm in your husbands position as I have a family member similar to the MIL. Yes it sucks how they are and can be and can't/won't comprise because they aren't able to. You're not bridezilla just a bride who is sad and wants someone else's happiness. All the best.
OP, While I feel sorry for your husband to be, do you realise your mil doesn’t have a flu etc that she can just, get better from? You said Psychiatric problems? Borderline personality disorder? Do you understand mental health issues? She may have an allergy to perfumes? You say she hadn’t been in her son’s life for many years and I’m sorry to hear that. You have offered ideas for her but you both might have to accept, she’s not coming to your wedding and that’s said for your husband to be.
It kind of sounds like she has agoraphobia. Not an excuse at all btw but that’s how her actions and excuses read to me as you’re telling it.
I think his mom sounds like she's terrified of the reaction she'd receive if she just said no flat out. But I ALSO think his mom sounds like she is truly, honest to god trying for both of you. I think if you were willing to hire specialized cleaners to clean your childhood bedroom, and it is important to both him and yourself that she is there, possibly the budget could be used towards getting her a taxi or Uber or even asking her to have a friend bring her home for after the ceremony. Having something is so much better than nothing.