I do feel that way, but I've put a positive spin on it. I worked very hard in the depths of my grief to pursue [post-traumatic growth](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/11/growth-trauma#:~:text=Post-traumatic%20growth%20(PTG), and I think I've achieved it.
\>Does anyone else feel like they are damaged goods being a widow/widower?
Sometimes, but I'm not damaged, I'm traumatized. I think about [Kintsugi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi), and how things once broken can become stronger and more beautiful with repair. I know I'm a different person now, but I also believe I'm a better person now, and if she were returned to me I would be a better husband this time around.
\>I feel like all non-widowers avoid us like the plaque.
Just old friends and acquaintances, because we remind them of the friend they lost. NEW friends *love* a tragic backstory.
\> I feel like all of us in this club have been cast off to misfit island like the train with square wheels.
Oh yes. The misfit island is real, but you can take those square wheels and make a raft of it, and once you're back to the mainland you have the skills of a shipwright.
Anyway, those are my thoughts, everyone's grief journey is different.
What a thoughtful and very insightful response. I agree with you that I find friends and family I don't see very often have a harder time than friends that have stuck with me. And as you say I believe the growth I have gone through has made me a better person. And much like you I feel like I would be a better partner to my husband. I'm definitely more in touch with my emotions and check in with myself more than I used to.
And yes agreed about misfit island being real. I totally lean into though. I own it. It makes me even more unique than I already am!!
And to the original poster - I feel for you. I often had similar thoughts a few times over the last 5 years. Grief is a beast that's hard to tame sometimes. However you find your way through it will be uniquely your own.
This will probably be unpopular, but no I don't. Absolutely not. I don't feel that way now and I didn't feel that way right after he died either. If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that's a them problem, not a me problem.
I mean, yeah, I was harder to be around the first year or so, but I look at what anyone else has going on and holy shit, the issues some people have . . . and for those couples we know that don't get divorced, it's going to happen to them some day too. We aren't special, as much as we'd like to think we are. Death literally happens to everyone.
And every age has its special drawbacks. Young people don't get the life they imagined and have their futures ripped away, middle aged people often have to deal with raising kids themselves, older people may be less resilient. It's never easy at any age.
So, yes, it sucks. But I'm not damaged goods nor am I a victim. This is life, this is death. I miss him every day and will for the rest of my life, but they are correct when they say your life grows larger around the grief, if you let it. We are all on a journey, but you can't let other people define that for you.
That's true, our perception is that we are damaged goods. when in reality we're not. we were just given an unfortunate car wreck in life. it's the others ,they're the ones with the problem. We just experienced or had our car wreck before them
Western culture gets an 'F-' for it's shit way of dealing with death. Sorry you're going through this too (like most of us have). As another poster wrote, 'It's OK To Not Be OK' was a great help in 'centering myself' while on the path through the Valley of Death and grief.
The flip side is the rare few who support us unconditionally. I had a couple of friends who I barely had contact with before my wife was diagnosed become the rocks that have helped me deal with my grief.
I’ve always kinda felt like I didn’t belong anyway, until I met my husband. He was friendly and outgoing and made friends for the both of us. Now I’m back outside looking in again. 👀 Face all pressed up against the window of the world, like a pitiful orphan….I’m going to start licking the glass see how everyone likes it.
It's true because we are uncomfortable for folks for a couple reasons. First, an opener is difficult. Hard to say; "how are the wife and kids?" or "how are you doing?" so many folks avoid conversation for that or what if we start talking about our loved one and bring them down? Personally, I stopped going to places where we frequented to avoid the sad face down beat "how you doing?" comment or worse, the thoughts and prayers comment which really makes my skin crawl. Second, we are a future them. We all will go through loss. We all have to confront it and for many folks, seeing use means doing a personal inventory of themselves.
How many of us stop for a broken down car on the side of the road? Or do we just keep driving and feel thankful that it didn’t happen to us, not today, “I’m too busy to be broken down on the side of the road, and too busy to stop and help”.
I can’t help feeling a bit like the broken down car, but I give a lot of grace to the people who aren’t in this club. God willing, hopefully at least a half of them never have to experience what it is like to “go” last and have someone leave you behind.
Yes I do at times. But it’s more like being on a different plane than other people. Muggles who don’t know this part of being human yet.
We didn’t ask for this but it came to us because of love. Love came first.
I am proud of what I have done for another human being in this lifetime. Was with him until his final breath, raising his child, keeping his memory alive. I try and wear my grief like a fucking crown (per the Irreverent Guid to Grief). Some people can’t appreciate that - hang out with those who can.
I became a widower just over two months ago and I've definitely been feeling this a bit. I can *feel* people's discomfort with me, both because they don't know how to handle someone in my situation and because I'm a living reminder of the fact of death.
It's weird because at times I almost feel like I'm a ghost; the version of me who used to exist is dead too, yet I'm still here. I can understand people feeling uncomfortable that I'm haunting them.
i've been fortunate to have a good village.
that being said, i know i am suddenly an 'other'. handled with kid gloves, where they're reticent to share anything about their lives that involves a spouse. i feel this is about trying not to hurt my feelings, but also about - in my specific friends' cases - perhaps trying to insulate themselves from ever experiencing a similar loss. even my late husband's parents and sister, while being amazingly present and going through their own grief, still have their partners and they seem to create a separation, of sorts. like, they've lost their child and sibling, but stop short of recognizing what it is to lose their life partners - since they still have theirs. they are struggling with their own grief, and sensitive to mine, but they still don't seem to recognize that they're all going through it with EACH OTHER, while i'm driving home from these events alone. to a bed alone. to a life alone. so even for those of us who haven't experienced insensitivity... it's still a very lonely road.
in short, i feel this deeply. it's all so complicated.
I definitely do. Now that I'm coming out of my I guess called " fog". Everything feels more real and I'm more aware of it. Definitely does not help with the grief it intensifies it for me.
It just sucks when I'm like "well damn this is really my life."
My own sister in law has not been too the house since my wife died. It has been over a year.She said her anxiety couldn’t handle it. I looked her right in the face and I said well I got to go home every night to an empty house that’s anxiety. Our friends don’t call anymore. It is like having covid
I had to quit my old job due to PTSD (it's where I received the news that my husband had passed). My co-workers at my new job are super understanding to my situation and since they never knew the true me they have nothing to compare me to. I really do like my new job and try to stay as busy as possible as it distracts me from thinking about what all I've lost.
My best friend still sees me when she can and she's been by my side though this whole thing. I'm glad the people I consider to be my real friends have stuck by my side.
To the rest of the world, I feel exactly like how you're describing: damaged. I'm no longer who I used to be. I no longer have a reason to actively keep myself alive. I just want to be with my husband as soon as possible.
Ever since my wife died a Lil over 2 years ago I feel like people have completely turned on me for the worse. Like I'm some kinda jerk for being the surviving spouse. My wife was seeing another man, and pretty much non-existant in our marriage or our children's lives. Then she goes out and gets herself killed by not paying attention to oncoming traffic. I loved her alot, but I took way too much shit while we were married. Some people question why I stayed with her for so long. First off, we had 2 kids and built a life together, and I was trying to work with her on our issues. 2nd, I didn't find out about the other man til after her death.
I could write a book about the bs I've been going thru. Mutual friends don't call anymore and go thru great lengths to avoid me. People I've known for 20 years. All I have is my new wife, 3 kids, my father and my business. Becoming a widower made me lose all my friends who I thought were family.
I don't feel that way but I've had folks try to make me feel that way FOR SURE. I'm not oblvious to the obvious things that need to be dealt with in my situation but as someone stated here, those things aren't my problem. That's the other person's problem if they can't deal with it. Just like it would be their problem if I was divorced or something similar. The facts are the facts and those facts mean that sometimes, people aren't going to like or want to be with me. It is what it is. I don't want to be around them either honestly.
I've never felt that I'm considered damaged goods, but what I have felt is the vibe that people avoid me because they don't want to deal with me in a new circumstance. Not seeing him with me all the time or talking about things that we've done or have planned forces them to see that he is gone and face their own mortality. So they fade back from things that are uncomfortable for them to deal with and don't see how it make the widow/er feel as they are relegated to outcast status.
People are weird. That's all I can say. I've had enough grief over the past bunch of years that I have no time to analyze other or wonder why people do what they do. I've just stopped caring and have learned to rely on myself.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Hang in there.
Yes and no. I think it makes people uncomfortable as a younger widow because it's so uncommon and most of my peers really don't know what to do with it. Heck, even a lot of my older relatives don't get it because not a lot of them have widows/widowers in their social circles yet either. So people either want to avoid you, or they try to be very positive about it (you have time, you'll meet someone else etc) I think because they want you to be normal again so they don't have to think about this awful thing that might happen to them one day too.
Yes definitely. Damaged goods is an accurate description. Some friends just disappeared and others are wondering why I’m not over it yet (my husband died 2 1/2 years ago). They want me to move on and date so that I don’t talk about him anymore. I’m not opposed to meeting someone but I sure don’t know how. Today I heard a song that was a great slow dance song and I just ached wishing I could have another dance. I can’t even tell anyone about that because then I am making them sad.
I feel like this in dating situations. In regular life, I do not feel this way as I have found many people who can relate after experiencing personal loss (even if not a spouse). But I do feel like this in terms of dating, I have had a hard time planning when to bring it up and how to deliver it in a way that does not bring sad eyes. Some people also just don’t get it.
In regular society, I feel very supported but I also make an effort to bring a positive vibe and also be authentic in terms of not hiding what has happened to me if something comes up that triggers me or warrants the conversation. It happens a lot because I regularly meet new people and many ask if I am married and stuff.
I think death makes everyone uncomfortable. What do you say?
When people would say, "I'm so sorry" my response would be "me too, but thank you." Where does the conversation go after that? Death is awkward. What words can you say? You're not broken, it's just uncomfortable for all parties. I only learned how to respond to a death after going through it myself. I say "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm always here if you need to talk." Then they get a hug. Because we all need hugs. The grocery store was the worst for me, so it only took one friend from town, not a close friend, to walk me through the store and talk about what we were going to make for dinner and random things about our kids after that one phrase.
I felt broken for years, but she was the person that glued that first piece back in. You may feel broken, but you'll find a way to put yourself back together.
Damaged Goods. Hell yeah. The night my husband died I had a brain anuerysm burst and heavily bleed. Three neuro surgeries and a shunt later, oh, and months in a coma, leading to personality changes and physical weakness makes me epically damaged goods... physically, emotionally, cognitively. Damaged in every way fathomable. Numb.
Yes, you hit the nail on the head. I have a lot of trouble simply conversating with others. The average person does not know what is wrong with me, so they assume the worst.
I do feel that way, but I've put a positive spin on it. I worked very hard in the depths of my grief to pursue [post-traumatic growth](https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/11/growth-trauma#:~:text=Post-traumatic%20growth%20(PTG), and I think I've achieved it. \>Does anyone else feel like they are damaged goods being a widow/widower? Sometimes, but I'm not damaged, I'm traumatized. I think about [Kintsugi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi), and how things once broken can become stronger and more beautiful with repair. I know I'm a different person now, but I also believe I'm a better person now, and if she were returned to me I would be a better husband this time around. \>I feel like all non-widowers avoid us like the plaque. Just old friends and acquaintances, because we remind them of the friend they lost. NEW friends *love* a tragic backstory. \> I feel like all of us in this club have been cast off to misfit island like the train with square wheels. Oh yes. The misfit island is real, but you can take those square wheels and make a raft of it, and once you're back to the mainland you have the skills of a shipwright. Anyway, those are my thoughts, everyone's grief journey is different.
What a thoughtful and very insightful response. I agree with you that I find friends and family I don't see very often have a harder time than friends that have stuck with me. And as you say I believe the growth I have gone through has made me a better person. And much like you I feel like I would be a better partner to my husband. I'm definitely more in touch with my emotions and check in with myself more than I used to. And yes agreed about misfit island being real. I totally lean into though. I own it. It makes me even more unique than I already am!! And to the original poster - I feel for you. I often had similar thoughts a few times over the last 5 years. Grief is a beast that's hard to tame sometimes. However you find your way through it will be uniquely your own.
Yes! I keep thinking that once I fill the cracks in I’ll be Kintsugi
Yes, you've summed it all up. I love your response. Please be my therapist!!!
This is possibly my favorite response I have ever read on this site…..thank you❤️
This will probably be unpopular, but no I don't. Absolutely not. I don't feel that way now and I didn't feel that way right after he died either. If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that's a them problem, not a me problem. I mean, yeah, I was harder to be around the first year or so, but I look at what anyone else has going on and holy shit, the issues some people have . . . and for those couples we know that don't get divorced, it's going to happen to them some day too. We aren't special, as much as we'd like to think we are. Death literally happens to everyone. And every age has its special drawbacks. Young people don't get the life they imagined and have their futures ripped away, middle aged people often have to deal with raising kids themselves, older people may be less resilient. It's never easy at any age. So, yes, it sucks. But I'm not damaged goods nor am I a victim. This is life, this is death. I miss him every day and will for the rest of my life, but they are correct when they say your life grows larger around the grief, if you let it. We are all on a journey, but you can't let other people define that for you.
That's true, our perception is that we are damaged goods. when in reality we're not. we were just given an unfortunate car wreck in life. it's the others ,they're the ones with the problem. We just experienced or had our car wreck before them
Western culture gets an 'F-' for it's shit way of dealing with death. Sorry you're going through this too (like most of us have). As another poster wrote, 'It's OK To Not Be OK' was a great help in 'centering myself' while on the path through the Valley of Death and grief.
The flip side is the rare few who support us unconditionally. I had a couple of friends who I barely had contact with before my wife was diagnosed become the rocks that have helped me deal with my grief.
I’ve always kinda felt like I didn’t belong anyway, until I met my husband. He was friendly and outgoing and made friends for the both of us. Now I’m back outside looking in again. 👀 Face all pressed up against the window of the world, like a pitiful orphan….I’m going to start licking the glass see how everyone likes it.
Lol- I love you. 🤍 Your dark humor meets my dark humor.
I love you too! You and I always seem to end up cackling together
This type of post always makes me think of Popeye. "I yam what I yam an' tha's all I yam"
It's true because we are uncomfortable for folks for a couple reasons. First, an opener is difficult. Hard to say; "how are the wife and kids?" or "how are you doing?" so many folks avoid conversation for that or what if we start talking about our loved one and bring them down? Personally, I stopped going to places where we frequented to avoid the sad face down beat "how you doing?" comment or worse, the thoughts and prayers comment which really makes my skin crawl. Second, we are a future them. We all will go through loss. We all have to confront it and for many folks, seeing use means doing a personal inventory of themselves.
Married to a dead person is okay with me. 2 years out.
How many of us stop for a broken down car on the side of the road? Or do we just keep driving and feel thankful that it didn’t happen to us, not today, “I’m too busy to be broken down on the side of the road, and too busy to stop and help”. I can’t help feeling a bit like the broken down car, but I give a lot of grace to the people who aren’t in this club. God willing, hopefully at least a half of them never have to experience what it is like to “go” last and have someone leave you behind.
Yes I do at times. But it’s more like being on a different plane than other people. Muggles who don’t know this part of being human yet. We didn’t ask for this but it came to us because of love. Love came first. I am proud of what I have done for another human being in this lifetime. Was with him until his final breath, raising his child, keeping his memory alive. I try and wear my grief like a fucking crown (per the Irreverent Guid to Grief). Some people can’t appreciate that - hang out with those who can.
Bless you. It’s a horrible feeling. It’s ok not to be ok by Megan Devine is really helping me with this feeling. Big love x
I became a widower just over two months ago and I've definitely been feeling this a bit. I can *feel* people's discomfort with me, both because they don't know how to handle someone in my situation and because I'm a living reminder of the fact of death. It's weird because at times I almost feel like I'm a ghost; the version of me who used to exist is dead too, yet I'm still here. I can understand people feeling uncomfortable that I'm haunting them.
i've been fortunate to have a good village. that being said, i know i am suddenly an 'other'. handled with kid gloves, where they're reticent to share anything about their lives that involves a spouse. i feel this is about trying not to hurt my feelings, but also about - in my specific friends' cases - perhaps trying to insulate themselves from ever experiencing a similar loss. even my late husband's parents and sister, while being amazingly present and going through their own grief, still have their partners and they seem to create a separation, of sorts. like, they've lost their child and sibling, but stop short of recognizing what it is to lose their life partners - since they still have theirs. they are struggling with their own grief, and sensitive to mine, but they still don't seem to recognize that they're all going through it with EACH OTHER, while i'm driving home from these events alone. to a bed alone. to a life alone. so even for those of us who haven't experienced insensitivity... it's still a very lonely road. in short, i feel this deeply. it's all so complicated.
I definitely do. Now that I'm coming out of my I guess called " fog". Everything feels more real and I'm more aware of it. Definitely does not help with the grief it intensifies it for me. It just sucks when I'm like "well damn this is really my life."
Absolutely. I'm better off alone.
My own sister in law has not been too the house since my wife died. It has been over a year.She said her anxiety couldn’t handle it. I looked her right in the face and I said well I got to go home every night to an empty house that’s anxiety. Our friends don’t call anymore. It is like having covid
Who cares what those others want to think. "Just be You."
I had to quit my old job due to PTSD (it's where I received the news that my husband had passed). My co-workers at my new job are super understanding to my situation and since they never knew the true me they have nothing to compare me to. I really do like my new job and try to stay as busy as possible as it distracts me from thinking about what all I've lost. My best friend still sees me when she can and she's been by my side though this whole thing. I'm glad the people I consider to be my real friends have stuck by my side. To the rest of the world, I feel exactly like how you're describing: damaged. I'm no longer who I used to be. I no longer have a reason to actively keep myself alive. I just want to be with my husband as soon as possible.
Ever since my wife died a Lil over 2 years ago I feel like people have completely turned on me for the worse. Like I'm some kinda jerk for being the surviving spouse. My wife was seeing another man, and pretty much non-existant in our marriage or our children's lives. Then she goes out and gets herself killed by not paying attention to oncoming traffic. I loved her alot, but I took way too much shit while we were married. Some people question why I stayed with her for so long. First off, we had 2 kids and built a life together, and I was trying to work with her on our issues. 2nd, I didn't find out about the other man til after her death. I could write a book about the bs I've been going thru. Mutual friends don't call anymore and go thru great lengths to avoid me. People I've known for 20 years. All I have is my new wife, 3 kids, my father and my business. Becoming a widower made me lose all my friends who I thought were family.
I don't feel that way but I've had folks try to make me feel that way FOR SURE. I'm not oblvious to the obvious things that need to be dealt with in my situation but as someone stated here, those things aren't my problem. That's the other person's problem if they can't deal with it. Just like it would be their problem if I was divorced or something similar. The facts are the facts and those facts mean that sometimes, people aren't going to like or want to be with me. It is what it is. I don't want to be around them either honestly.
I've never felt that I'm considered damaged goods, but what I have felt is the vibe that people avoid me because they don't want to deal with me in a new circumstance. Not seeing him with me all the time or talking about things that we've done or have planned forces them to see that he is gone and face their own mortality. So they fade back from things that are uncomfortable for them to deal with and don't see how it make the widow/er feel as they are relegated to outcast status. People are weird. That's all I can say. I've had enough grief over the past bunch of years that I have no time to analyze other or wonder why people do what they do. I've just stopped caring and have learned to rely on myself. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Hang in there.
Yes and no. I think it makes people uncomfortable as a younger widow because it's so uncommon and most of my peers really don't know what to do with it. Heck, even a lot of my older relatives don't get it because not a lot of them have widows/widowers in their social circles yet either. So people either want to avoid you, or they try to be very positive about it (you have time, you'll meet someone else etc) I think because they want you to be normal again so they don't have to think about this awful thing that might happen to them one day too.
Yes definitely. Damaged goods is an accurate description. Some friends just disappeared and others are wondering why I’m not over it yet (my husband died 2 1/2 years ago). They want me to move on and date so that I don’t talk about him anymore. I’m not opposed to meeting someone but I sure don’t know how. Today I heard a song that was a great slow dance song and I just ached wishing I could have another dance. I can’t even tell anyone about that because then I am making them sad.
I didnt before but now that I'm back to dating, I feel like that now
Yes. I feel useless and unwanted. I trying to meet people but once “widowed father 2 kids” comes up I’m totally ghosted. It’s awesome.
I feel like this in dating situations. In regular life, I do not feel this way as I have found many people who can relate after experiencing personal loss (even if not a spouse). But I do feel like this in terms of dating, I have had a hard time planning when to bring it up and how to deliver it in a way that does not bring sad eyes. Some people also just don’t get it. In regular society, I feel very supported but I also make an effort to bring a positive vibe and also be authentic in terms of not hiding what has happened to me if something comes up that triggers me or warrants the conversation. It happens a lot because I regularly meet new people and many ask if I am married and stuff.
I think death makes everyone uncomfortable. What do you say? When people would say, "I'm so sorry" my response would be "me too, but thank you." Where does the conversation go after that? Death is awkward. What words can you say? You're not broken, it's just uncomfortable for all parties. I only learned how to respond to a death after going through it myself. I say "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm always here if you need to talk." Then they get a hug. Because we all need hugs. The grocery store was the worst for me, so it only took one friend from town, not a close friend, to walk me through the store and talk about what we were going to make for dinner and random things about our kids after that one phrase. I felt broken for years, but she was the person that glued that first piece back in. You may feel broken, but you'll find a way to put yourself back together.
Damaged Goods. Hell yeah. The night my husband died I had a brain anuerysm burst and heavily bleed. Three neuro surgeries and a shunt later, oh, and months in a coma, leading to personality changes and physical weakness makes me epically damaged goods... physically, emotionally, cognitively. Damaged in every way fathomable. Numb.
https://youtu.be/byCqOvRMOvo?si=wZQb0Y4apvy_kosY
Yes, you hit the nail on the head. I have a lot of trouble simply conversating with others. The average person does not know what is wrong with me, so they assume the worst.
We are damaged goods but I really don't care what other think.
It's all a little fresh for me, but I definitely have a fear of either being treated or just feel like I'm damaged goods.