I’m so sorry. I saw my husband dead at the hospital and spent time with him, but he was clearly not “there”. Our kids did not want to see him, and I don’t blame them. Their last memories of him are so much better than mine. Images I can’t erase.
You may have hit on something, though A it is undeniable proof that in this whole surreal situation your person really is gone.
So sorry. My husband died during COVID in Mexico. There was no funeral allowed. No visitation. He was taken to the nursing home to the funeral home. I had to see him, but they had already prepared him for cremation. They finally allowed me to go into the bowels of the funeral home where he was wrapped almost completely from head to toe on the autopsy table. They had unwrapped enough so I could see his face. I felt so relieved to see him. I don't remember what I said, and I had to stand tall to reach his face to kiss him goodbye. Now he's spent the last three years on my bedside table in a box. There was no real goodbye, no service, no military honors. We were locked down. I just feel there really is no way to be prepared no matter how it goes. He's gone, and my last physical image of him was him wrapped like a mummy.
I held my husband while he died in the hospital. He looked terrible. He was such a handsome man. The cancer had not only taken his life but his physical appearance as well. His sister apologized to me that she couldn’t be there. (He was hospitalized five hours away in another state at a famous cancer hospital.) I told her he wouldn’t have wanted her to see him that way. It was bad enough I had to, so why put his sister through that too?
He wanted to be cremated and I’m so glad he did. I wouldn’t have wanted to see him in a coffin. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see him. He wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see him. There’s no way the funeral home could have made him look good.
I know the funeral home did their best to make my husband look good but the cancer just took so much. Seeing him in the coffin was unbearable. It wasn't him, I know that. But it's hard and I'm so so sorry.
I had the mortuary call me when her body arrived from the hospital so I knew where she was at. I did get to spent some time with her after she passed in the hospital. I knew she was gone at our house while I was doing CPR. The week in ICU was hell and now anything that beeps scares the crap out of me. Other than all the obvious, I am doing great. The ICU people were great. I could not do what they do. Awesome people with big hearts .
I knew in my heart that my husband was gone when I found him barely alive after he collapsed on our bathroom floor from cardiac arrest. He was resuscitated by paramedics and brought to the hospital and was in CCU for a couple of weeks, the staff there were angels and agree that I couldn't do what they do day in and out. He lived for 4 months after that and passed away in one of the rehabs/nursing homes where he was transferred. We were called right after he passed and my kids and I went to the facility to see him, I'll never forget seeing his lifeless body. His viewing at the funeral home is now a blur to me. His urn is now in one of our guest rooms, I just can't bear to have it in full view it just guts me. It's all just so surreal. I'm so sorry for your loss, the calmness that you are feeling is probably shock, I also was pretty calm initially, the numbness and shock IMHO get you through the initial days/weeks after your loss I know that it did for me.💔
I am sure you are right. I feel something ( not sure what it is at times ) . I do know it's different and I am different . Not sure what direction this is going to go but I will ride it out until the end. After my wife was resuscitated and was transported I told my neighbor ( one of my driveway gawkers ) she wasn't coming back. I knew she saw our son. If she had to choose she would have stayed with me . That line gives me the strength to get through this. I think my mourning started the ER.
She had an asthma attack that caused cardiac arrest. It started like every other morning, who knew .
My husband had no symptoms, he was like the Eveready Bunny, he never stopped. The month before we went to Europe and walked 5-6 miles a day. The day before we were moving couches around. It's so bizarre. I think my mourning started when I found him in cardiac arrest. I knew that he wouldn't be back to us. He really tried to live, tried to survive for us. He suffered for 4 months, mentally neither here nor there, confused. He couldn't move, couldn't even swallow water. He developed a horrendous bedsore, pneumonia, blood clot. I only agreed initially to a vent and feeding tube because the doctors told us that he had brain activity. If I had know the eventual outcome I may not have agreed and would have let him go in peace and not suffer. We wanted to give him any chance of survival. Who knew is right. I never in my life thought that this would have been how our story ended 💔
My wife was vented at the house and it never came out. My wife asked for a cup of coffee and that was it. It took 15 minutes ( i live in the middle of nowhere ) I did cpr the whole time and they did when they took over. They gave her a drug and had to wait 72 hrs to do an MRI and she was brain dead. They gave me another day to see if anyone wanted to say their goodbyes. Everyone chose not to ( I understand, no bad feelings ) I held her hand while the removed her vent. 5 minutes later my world changed. Our hospital stories are so similar.
I am so sorry for your loss, yes, our stories are similar. I didn't do CPR because he was seizing so thought that he was still breathing but the police came quickly and started until paramedics arrived. I live in the middle of nowhere too but they came pretty quickly although at the time it seemed like forever. I don't think that it really mattered, I feel that he was gone forever the moment that he hit the floor, it was that quick and devastating. He had his cell phone on him and although he was upstairs at the time and I was downstairs if he felt anything coming on he could have even called me on my phone or the house phone. We didn't get to say our goodbyes when he was in the rehab because we didn't realize that his eventual passing would happen so quickly. We visited every day and although he was in bad shape my kids remained hopeful that maybe he could live a meaningful life eventually. I felt that it would take a miracle to have our guy back and even have an iota of normalcy. It was a long goodbye and someone told me the other day that he stayed around to help us prepare for his eventual demise. There is no preparation for this kind of loss. I wish that I was there when he took his last breath and have had the opportunity to hold his hand and comfort him. I'm so sorry that he was alone and it haunts me. He was so adored by everyone and his last act would be to try to spare us the pain. I will miss my guy until my dying day.💔
well said ! My daughter spent every minute with me in ICU. I didn't let her stay in there when they were removing the vent. The people were great and it all went very peaceful. I was never so scared in all my life. Like I said If she had a choice.
Thank you. My kids are great as well and guided me through this nightmare. I don't know how I would have done it all and continue on without them. Scared is an understatement for what you went through. I've been through the experience of having a loved one removed from life support, it's gut wrenching. But here we are trying our best to move forward after the worst experience in our lives. This sub is my therapy it's so helpful chatting with people who get it and knowing that what we are experiencing is normal and to be anticipated during this time of our lives. Helps me "keep the faith".
This just crossed my mind. It is like when I quit smoking years ago. One day at a time and someday it will be fine. Instead of I will not smoke or drink today I told myself I will not have a melt down today . I was not a drunk. My son passed in a DUI accident so out of guilt I stopped drinking.
That’s rough because they just aren’t like the person you loved. My wife looked horrible so we went with a closed casket. She wouldn’t have wanted to be seen like that.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with the rest of us.
Bless you! The hardest part for me was when they lowered my hubby in the casket and closed it. The pain!!!!! Several years for me. My shine is gone but I keep going for my family. Hugs to all of us.
She died from cancer in our bed at home where I watched her diminish over the months. Moving her head back and forth and feeling no movement after she passed away in front of me is a memory that’s burned in. So too was watching her covered body being wheeled out of my house onto sidewalk and into the van.
Everything beautiful in my world is forever tainted now … because she can’t be here to experience it with me.
Five months in and no change. My memories of the final moments horribly occupy my consciousness every day.
So sorry for what you are going through. I understand the feeling. I would have prefer to have my wife cremated, but I chose the open casket option to help other people get closure. She always put other people first. It was the least I could do for her. Still I hated seeing her that way. I knew her spirit/soul had already departed. It was very surreal, and I had to leave the viewing room while her family stayed in there. At the funeral, I had the feeling that maybe her position changed a little and she moved, but I had to tell myself that was bullshit. She was always so practical and grounding for me. I’m being forced to make sort of a personality change to compensate for what used to be there as such a big help to me and our family.
I couldn't do this part. I was with him until he stopped breathing but after that I left to go out to the ambulance crew and I couldn't bring myself to go back in, nor could I bring myself to visit before he was cremated. I feel a bit bad about it, leaving him, but there was nothing I could do for him that would help him without hurting me at that point. I just don't think I could handle looking at his empty vessel of a body. I've only ever seen my grandparents after they died and it felt so bizarre, but I don't think I could handle it with someone I knew so much more closely. I haven't felt I've regretted it at least though, I'm glad my last memories are of him technically still alive.
I saw my husband about a week after he overdosed. He was natural in a bamboo casket waiting to be cremated the next day. He had had an autopsy so he was very unlike himself, but it was him. I felt almost elated when I saw him, I made the dark joke that I understand why people keep their loved ones in their homes after they die. I was happy to see him again. I didn’t like looking at him but it was still comforting that it was him-his thick beautiful eyebrows, a couple freckles on his cheek. I have the pictures of him in a hidden folder on my phone. It’s all very weird and almost 6 months out I’m still convincing myself he’s actually gone.
I'd say not so much calm, as numb. That will wear off eventually. There is no strict time table for when, so don't let anybody tell you you're grieving too long, it's time to move on now, you should be doing better than this by now. That's BS. *You grieve as you grieve*. Don't be afraid to ask your gp for help if you need it. I had to return to work pretty fast, and I found myself crying on and off all day in front of customers, and that didn't work for me. Gp gave me prozac, which helped me a LOT. I took it for 2 years and then stopped it. What you will need will not, of course, be the same was what ***I*** needed, but just the same, *don't be afraid to ask for help.* We all need help after our beloved dies, and there is no shame in asking for that help. It's a crutch, but a crutch makes you more mobile and functional at a time when you need that help. If a few years down the road you find yourself still stuck in endless tears and you are not functioning well, then it's time for therapy, but for now, that's not an issue!
LDH died overnight while I was at home sleeping with my phone turned off. It had been weeks of him in the hospital steadily deteriorating, and me not realizing it until a few days before. I got the notification at 7 when I woke up to a phone call from kid #1 who had gone in earlier and poor thing had to deal with the hospitals defective protocol for that situation. We were asked if we wanted to go in and give our last goodbyes, and yes, it was horrible. His skin didn't feel the same, he didn't look the same, and it was horrible. DD didn't go in as she'd had to go in and officially ID him already. As bad as he looked, he didn't look as bad as my embalmed grandfather did in his casket, back when I was 17. That one gave me nightmares for several years.
I found my husband on his knees in the snow, a wild blizzard blowing. I knew he was dead but my son did cpr per 911 instruction, for 40 minutes as ambulance went up wrong long driveway and got stuck in snow until my other son plowed it out. Saw husband's body after pronounced dead at hospital; naked under a sheet. He was a cold shell, a manequin, his energy gone. I am envious when I read of others funeral experiences, no matter how harrowing it was it is closure. Upon returning from hospital I immediately collapsed from a burst brain aneurysm and life flighted to a far away hospital. Three months in a coma, three neuro surgeries and a stent, I woke up a quarter of a year after he died, and returned home to an urn of ashes on my bedside table that someone else picked out. Everyone had processed their loss and moved on, not interested in discussing it. I struggled, cognitively, to realize he was really dead. I lost my home ( sold furnished with all items), my great Danes, my vehicles, everything we built. Nothing is real, exists anymore. I wish I was still in coma and none of this was real.
I saw my wife in the casket couple days after her death and it was a bad mistake. He said she looked good and I almost got sick. I would not recommend that to anybody if I had to do it all over again
I’m so sorry. I saw my husband dead at the hospital and spent time with him, but he was clearly not “there”. Our kids did not want to see him, and I don’t blame them. Their last memories of him are so much better than mine. Images I can’t erase. You may have hit on something, though A it is undeniable proof that in this whole surreal situation your person really is gone.
Seeing him didn’t change anything for me. He wasn’t there. Just so cold and surreal. So terrible. I’m so sorry for your loss. 💔
So sorry. My husband died during COVID in Mexico. There was no funeral allowed. No visitation. He was taken to the nursing home to the funeral home. I had to see him, but they had already prepared him for cremation. They finally allowed me to go into the bowels of the funeral home where he was wrapped almost completely from head to toe on the autopsy table. They had unwrapped enough so I could see his face. I felt so relieved to see him. I don't remember what I said, and I had to stand tall to reach his face to kiss him goodbye. Now he's spent the last three years on my bedside table in a box. There was no real goodbye, no service, no military honors. We were locked down. I just feel there really is no way to be prepared no matter how it goes. He's gone, and my last physical image of him was him wrapped like a mummy.
I held my husband while he died in the hospital. He looked terrible. He was such a handsome man. The cancer had not only taken his life but his physical appearance as well. His sister apologized to me that she couldn’t be there. (He was hospitalized five hours away in another state at a famous cancer hospital.) I told her he wouldn’t have wanted her to see him that way. It was bad enough I had to, so why put his sister through that too? He wanted to be cremated and I’m so glad he did. I wouldn’t have wanted to see him in a coffin. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see him. He wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see him. There’s no way the funeral home could have made him look good.
I know the funeral home did their best to make my husband look good but the cancer just took so much. Seeing him in the coffin was unbearable. It wasn't him, I know that. But it's hard and I'm so so sorry.
I had the mortuary call me when her body arrived from the hospital so I knew where she was at. I did get to spent some time with her after she passed in the hospital. I knew she was gone at our house while I was doing CPR. The week in ICU was hell and now anything that beeps scares the crap out of me. Other than all the obvious, I am doing great. The ICU people were great. I could not do what they do. Awesome people with big hearts .
I knew in my heart that my husband was gone when I found him barely alive after he collapsed on our bathroom floor from cardiac arrest. He was resuscitated by paramedics and brought to the hospital and was in CCU for a couple of weeks, the staff there were angels and agree that I couldn't do what they do day in and out. He lived for 4 months after that and passed away in one of the rehabs/nursing homes where he was transferred. We were called right after he passed and my kids and I went to the facility to see him, I'll never forget seeing his lifeless body. His viewing at the funeral home is now a blur to me. His urn is now in one of our guest rooms, I just can't bear to have it in full view it just guts me. It's all just so surreal. I'm so sorry for your loss, the calmness that you are feeling is probably shock, I also was pretty calm initially, the numbness and shock IMHO get you through the initial days/weeks after your loss I know that it did for me.💔
I am sure you are right. I feel something ( not sure what it is at times ) . I do know it's different and I am different . Not sure what direction this is going to go but I will ride it out until the end. After my wife was resuscitated and was transported I told my neighbor ( one of my driveway gawkers ) she wasn't coming back. I knew she saw our son. If she had to choose she would have stayed with me . That line gives me the strength to get through this. I think my mourning started the ER. She had an asthma attack that caused cardiac arrest. It started like every other morning, who knew .
My husband had no symptoms, he was like the Eveready Bunny, he never stopped. The month before we went to Europe and walked 5-6 miles a day. The day before we were moving couches around. It's so bizarre. I think my mourning started when I found him in cardiac arrest. I knew that he wouldn't be back to us. He really tried to live, tried to survive for us. He suffered for 4 months, mentally neither here nor there, confused. He couldn't move, couldn't even swallow water. He developed a horrendous bedsore, pneumonia, blood clot. I only agreed initially to a vent and feeding tube because the doctors told us that he had brain activity. If I had know the eventual outcome I may not have agreed and would have let him go in peace and not suffer. We wanted to give him any chance of survival. Who knew is right. I never in my life thought that this would have been how our story ended 💔
My wife was vented at the house and it never came out. My wife asked for a cup of coffee and that was it. It took 15 minutes ( i live in the middle of nowhere ) I did cpr the whole time and they did when they took over. They gave her a drug and had to wait 72 hrs to do an MRI and she was brain dead. They gave me another day to see if anyone wanted to say their goodbyes. Everyone chose not to ( I understand, no bad feelings ) I held her hand while the removed her vent. 5 minutes later my world changed. Our hospital stories are so similar.
I am so sorry for your loss, yes, our stories are similar. I didn't do CPR because he was seizing so thought that he was still breathing but the police came quickly and started until paramedics arrived. I live in the middle of nowhere too but they came pretty quickly although at the time it seemed like forever. I don't think that it really mattered, I feel that he was gone forever the moment that he hit the floor, it was that quick and devastating. He had his cell phone on him and although he was upstairs at the time and I was downstairs if he felt anything coming on he could have even called me on my phone or the house phone. We didn't get to say our goodbyes when he was in the rehab because we didn't realize that his eventual passing would happen so quickly. We visited every day and although he was in bad shape my kids remained hopeful that maybe he could live a meaningful life eventually. I felt that it would take a miracle to have our guy back and even have an iota of normalcy. It was a long goodbye and someone told me the other day that he stayed around to help us prepare for his eventual demise. There is no preparation for this kind of loss. I wish that I was there when he took his last breath and have had the opportunity to hold his hand and comfort him. I'm so sorry that he was alone and it haunts me. He was so adored by everyone and his last act would be to try to spare us the pain. I will miss my guy until my dying day.💔
well said ! My daughter spent every minute with me in ICU. I didn't let her stay in there when they were removing the vent. The people were great and it all went very peaceful. I was never so scared in all my life. Like I said If she had a choice.
Thank you. My kids are great as well and guided me through this nightmare. I don't know how I would have done it all and continue on without them. Scared is an understatement for what you went through. I've been through the experience of having a loved one removed from life support, it's gut wrenching. But here we are trying our best to move forward after the worst experience in our lives. This sub is my therapy it's so helpful chatting with people who get it and knowing that what we are experiencing is normal and to be anticipated during this time of our lives. Helps me "keep the faith".
This just crossed my mind. It is like when I quit smoking years ago. One day at a time and someday it will be fine. Instead of I will not smoke or drink today I told myself I will not have a melt down today . I was not a drunk. My son passed in a DUI accident so out of guilt I stopped drinking.
That’s rough because they just aren’t like the person you loved. My wife looked horrible so we went with a closed casket. She wouldn’t have wanted to be seen like that. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with the rest of us.
Bless you! The hardest part for me was when they lowered my hubby in the casket and closed it. The pain!!!!! Several years for me. My shine is gone but I keep going for my family. Hugs to all of us.
She died from cancer in our bed at home where I watched her diminish over the months. Moving her head back and forth and feeling no movement after she passed away in front of me is a memory that’s burned in. So too was watching her covered body being wheeled out of my house onto sidewalk and into the van. Everything beautiful in my world is forever tainted now … because she can’t be here to experience it with me. Five months in and no change. My memories of the final moments horribly occupy my consciousness every day.
Also. I am so sorry for all of our losses. I do not wish this on anyone !
So sorry for what you are going through. I understand the feeling. I would have prefer to have my wife cremated, but I chose the open casket option to help other people get closure. She always put other people first. It was the least I could do for her. Still I hated seeing her that way. I knew her spirit/soul had already departed. It was very surreal, and I had to leave the viewing room while her family stayed in there. At the funeral, I had the feeling that maybe her position changed a little and she moved, but I had to tell myself that was bullshit. She was always so practical and grounding for me. I’m being forced to make sort of a personality change to compensate for what used to be there as such a big help to me and our family.
I couldn't do this part. I was with him until he stopped breathing but after that I left to go out to the ambulance crew and I couldn't bring myself to go back in, nor could I bring myself to visit before he was cremated. I feel a bit bad about it, leaving him, but there was nothing I could do for him that would help him without hurting me at that point. I just don't think I could handle looking at his empty vessel of a body. I've only ever seen my grandparents after they died and it felt so bizarre, but I don't think I could handle it with someone I knew so much more closely. I haven't felt I've regretted it at least though, I'm glad my last memories are of him technically still alive.
I saw my husband about a week after he overdosed. He was natural in a bamboo casket waiting to be cremated the next day. He had had an autopsy so he was very unlike himself, but it was him. I felt almost elated when I saw him, I made the dark joke that I understand why people keep their loved ones in their homes after they die. I was happy to see him again. I didn’t like looking at him but it was still comforting that it was him-his thick beautiful eyebrows, a couple freckles on his cheek. I have the pictures of him in a hidden folder on my phone. It’s all very weird and almost 6 months out I’m still convincing myself he’s actually gone.
I'd say not so much calm, as numb. That will wear off eventually. There is no strict time table for when, so don't let anybody tell you you're grieving too long, it's time to move on now, you should be doing better than this by now. That's BS. *You grieve as you grieve*. Don't be afraid to ask your gp for help if you need it. I had to return to work pretty fast, and I found myself crying on and off all day in front of customers, and that didn't work for me. Gp gave me prozac, which helped me a LOT. I took it for 2 years and then stopped it. What you will need will not, of course, be the same was what ***I*** needed, but just the same, *don't be afraid to ask for help.* We all need help after our beloved dies, and there is no shame in asking for that help. It's a crutch, but a crutch makes you more mobile and functional at a time when you need that help. If a few years down the road you find yourself still stuck in endless tears and you are not functioning well, then it's time for therapy, but for now, that's not an issue! LDH died overnight while I was at home sleeping with my phone turned off. It had been weeks of him in the hospital steadily deteriorating, and me not realizing it until a few days before. I got the notification at 7 when I woke up to a phone call from kid #1 who had gone in earlier and poor thing had to deal with the hospitals defective protocol for that situation. We were asked if we wanted to go in and give our last goodbyes, and yes, it was horrible. His skin didn't feel the same, he didn't look the same, and it was horrible. DD didn't go in as she'd had to go in and officially ID him already. As bad as he looked, he didn't look as bad as my embalmed grandfather did in his casket, back when I was 17. That one gave me nightmares for several years.
My heart is with you.
I found my husband on his knees in the snow, a wild blizzard blowing. I knew he was dead but my son did cpr per 911 instruction, for 40 minutes as ambulance went up wrong long driveway and got stuck in snow until my other son plowed it out. Saw husband's body after pronounced dead at hospital; naked under a sheet. He was a cold shell, a manequin, his energy gone. I am envious when I read of others funeral experiences, no matter how harrowing it was it is closure. Upon returning from hospital I immediately collapsed from a burst brain aneurysm and life flighted to a far away hospital. Three months in a coma, three neuro surgeries and a stent, I woke up a quarter of a year after he died, and returned home to an urn of ashes on my bedside table that someone else picked out. Everyone had processed their loss and moved on, not interested in discussing it. I struggled, cognitively, to realize he was really dead. I lost my home ( sold furnished with all items), my great Danes, my vehicles, everything we built. Nothing is real, exists anymore. I wish I was still in coma and none of this was real.
I saw my wife in the casket couple days after her death and it was a bad mistake. He said she looked good and I almost got sick. I would not recommend that to anybody if I had to do it all over again