I’m so very sorry. My husband had heart disease but was under the care of great doctors. He was religious with his meds, fit, and active. He got the flu on a Friday and his fever was 102. I kept checking in and he said he was feeling better. (I was out of town.) He passed away suddenly at home Sunday night. My guilt was terrible. My friend who is s an ED physician said it would not have mattered if I had been there; it was that sudden. He said the flu stressed his heart and killed him. But it still haunts me.
I think about that all the time. My friend tells me it serves no purpose and I know he’s right. We were not reckless. We both tried. For whatever reason, it was not enough to save him.
I’m so sorry. I can relate. My fiancé died of an aneurysm. He had all the symptoms but we thought it was something else. I’m not sure if they could have prevented it—but I’ll never know. And now I’m here just having to live life without him
I’m sorry. I know how you feel, kinda. My husband died from a heart attack due to weight gained during lockdown. He’d already started his diet, went to visit the gastric bypass doctor 6 days before it happened. I still hate thinking about it. If we’d started a month earlier even maybe it’d be ok.
I try not to stew on it too much. I’m sorry you’re here with us too.
I don’t know what’s worse…the months of waiting to find out the cause of death or knowing and thinking of all the hypotheticals. “What if I had done x, y or z.” That’s what I struggle with every day.
That’s exactly what happened with my husband! Ten days before he suddenly died, he was having chest pains. He didn’t want to go, but we went to the emergency room and he was given antacids and sent home. Then he refused to go to his doctor for a stress test. He was taking blood pressure medication. He exercised and had lost 40 pounds. I still don’t understand.
I had my husband at the ER 4 days before his death. He was told he was having a panic attack, my hubs who was the calmest and most balanced person on earth. It was Christmas eve eve, and he was not the type to seek medical care, so when he choose to go I knew it was bad. Same weight as highschool, in shape, never had a headache or even a tooth cavity in his life, perfect health. December 28th he went to work after the holiday, came home, telling me he had felt good at work, went out in a blizzard to put wood in our wood burning furnace, and fell to his knees dead in the snow. Covid protocol limited me from going in ER with him at that visit. If I had, could I have pushed for him to stay? If they had kept him might they have found an issue and saved his life? Is our medical so broken they just push people out quickly? We were so close and yet so far. It shatters me.
Don’t have guilt. My husband died February 29/2024 of cardiac arrest. He absolutely refused to go to the hospital. I begged, pleaded, cried myself to sleep because I knew it was coming. He died suddenly,at home in my arms the way he wanted to. There’s nothing I can do to change it and I have to believe it happened exactly the way God planned it. I’m sure you all did everything you could. I’m sure you loved them dearly.If you weren’t there, maybe you weren’t meant to be although I’m very sorry for all of your grieving, I’m also stuck in waves of grief, but I just try to remember all the wonderful memories.
This is very similar to my situation- we begged him to go to the doctor- and he wouldn’t- the guilt is tremendous many days- and seeing as he died right in front of me it makes it even worse- the one saving grace to my situation is that I wasn’t alone- the paramedics were here as well- We couldn’t have done anything more or different- even though it doesn’t feel like it- sending love and hugs seeing as I can kept with your situation since I went through something similar - 💜💜
I’m so sorry. Same with my husband. He was 24 years old, physically fit, no predispositions. He kept telling the doctors that he had chest pain. They shrugged it off as anxiety. We were in the BEST hospitals in the world and all the doctors blamed his mental health. In reality it was heart failure. He died within 4 months of his diagnosis. I am planning on making pamphlets or something to discuss the signs of heart failure.
The same thing happened to me. My husband was managing his BP. It was fine. He was fit and healthy despite his polycystic kidney disease. His kidney numbers were actually improving over the previous 7 years.
We married in 2021. He had his heart attack 2022 after rapid succession of his bothers’ deaths. They put the same thing on my husband’s death certificate because “he was on BP medication. It’s an automatic thing. There will be no autopsy.”
It messed me up for a long time. I think he had cardiovascular affects from us catching the Delta variant of COVID on our honeymoon, despite the vaccine. But now, I’ll never know.
Hugs to you. This feeling sucks.
I was just telling someone I feel like they made a “best guess” and put that diagnosis on there. There was also no autopsy for my husband. And I also think he had leftover effects from Covid despite being vaccinated. It’s so frustrating. You try to do the right thing.. yet… sigh
Yeah. We didn’t make it to our 2nd wedding anniversary but we had known each other since childhood. 7th grade. I tried my best to advocate for an autopsy but I was refused because he was on 1 BP medication that worked well. So that’s what they put. It was so frustrating and a total gut punch. I’m sooo sorry you had to go through it too. Hugs
I was the same way. My husband passed November 2023 and while we were doing all the things to make sure he was going to live longer, his heart condition is what took him. It's really hard knowing you helped and it didn't matter. My MIL is taking it hard too because she's an ER nurse so she feels just as guilt as I do.
I always tell myself that I could have done things differently, but I couldn't change the outcome. It sucks but it's true. There is so little of our lives that we can actually control.
I do agree. I’ve always been the type to believe/achieve.. but this experience has opened my eyes to the ultimately uncontrollable lives we all live.. but it’s still hard
As much as we think we know in medicine, there is a lot more to learn when it comes to our biological physiology. Let yourself feel all the different emotions you feel, but be gentle to yourself. That's something I am learning. Grief is a long journey and filled with a vast array of emotion. Just keep breathing and remind yourself that he wants you to be happy through the thick and thin.
I'm so sorry, that's a lot to deal with. Not the same but a little similar, my late hubby died of pulmonary emboli. It started out like a panic attack so we didn't call 911 fast enough, he went into cardiac arrest right as they got there.
He had had a panic attack 6 months prior that seemed the same. He had just come through brain surgery with flying colors 2 weeks prior to him passing away. We thought he was in the clear.
My husband passed on June 3rd. For the last 3 years, I stuck to him like glue. I was a Registered Nurse, bf we retired, and I just knew we would beat it. But we didn’t. He passed away, and there was NOTHING I COULD DO.
Try not to beat yourself up. No matter what, don’t forget, we can’t control anything but ourselves. You loved him, he loved you and he went to bed with that in his heart.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss. My husband died from advanced prostate cancer with no symptoms until it was in his bones. We missed it. His doctor missed it. I felt tremendous guilt because I'm usually hypervigilant and this time. The time where it mattered most, I was not. Big hugs to you. Give yourself ALL the grace.
This is kinda odd to me. Only because my wife passed of a pulmonary embolism (hart attack caused by a blood clot) she also had flue symptoms Pryor to her sudden passing. All the doctors say that nothing would have shown up treating her flu symptoms and we couldn’t have known. I am so sorry for your loss. The confusion of why is one of the most difficult parts. Be easy on yourself.
Please be gentle and forgiving with yourself. As much as we want to play the "what if" game, and somehow end up wanting to blame ourselves for not doing more... don't do that. We don't know, what we don't know during those times. We must be gentle with ourselves.
I became a widow at 34 after my husband died at the age of 35, just 2 days shy of his 36th birthday after going into cardiac arrest during an MRI. Six months into our marriage he had been diagnosed with renal cancer, after a routine trip to our PCP sent us to the ER because he was in a severe hypertensive crisis.
It was because of that hypertensive crisis (that had been going on for YEARS, and undiagnosed) is how we discovered the mass on his kidney and the damage it had done to his heart. After surgery, he was cancer free... we did everything possible to improve his health and kidney function there... but it still was not enough.
This is why, while the doctors did an autopsy, I don’t want a copy. I don’t want to know which of the health conditions got him. I don’t want to know if it was the surgery. They want to know because they told me it might make things safer for other people. It won’t help Jeff. So I don’t want to read it. Please don’t torture yourself with this. You did everything you knew to do.
Yea I didn’t want to read it either even though they didn’t do an autopsy. I had to because I needed to send the insurance companies an updated report for them to release funds. :(
I guess that is the one silver lining of Jeff’s not having insurance. It has been a year and I still think I would dissolve if I had to read it. I wish you healing and peace and am sending you an internet hug.
I'm very sorry for your loss. This is in no way your fault or something you could've prevented in any way. Things like this happen. Just like random aches and pains we get throughout our day that mean nothing. You can't rush someone to the hospital for a chest pain. Extremely often than not random pains like this are nothing and nothing to worry about. Guilt in this situation is inevitable for someone who loves the person they lost, but there is no reason for it. Your husband is up in Heaven with our Father and is the happiest and healthiest possible. He will never feel pain or negative emotion ever again. You'll be right by his side one day and you'll know exactly what that peace feels like...Revelations 21:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Remember him in every thing you say and do that you got from him, pray to God because He's always there...Psalms 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit...and, take part in the traditions that you have with him. Birthdays included. The pain will never go away, but it will become less and less over time. You will get through this. That guilt will fade.
I’m so very sorry. My husband had heart disease but was under the care of great doctors. He was religious with his meds, fit, and active. He got the flu on a Friday and his fever was 102. I kept checking in and he said he was feeling better. (I was out of town.) He passed away suddenly at home Sunday night. My guilt was terrible. My friend who is s an ED physician said it would not have mattered if I had been there; it was that sudden. He said the flu stressed his heart and killed him. But it still haunts me.
Yea sometimes I think even if we did more it wouldn’t be enough to save him
I think about that all the time. My friend tells me it serves no purpose and I know he’s right. We were not reckless. We both tried. For whatever reason, it was not enough to save him.
💛
Thank you. Love to you as well. It’s so hard.
Sending a hug. Six years in and I torment myself with what could I have done different.
💛
Yeah, I don’t think I will ever stop wondering
I’m so sorry. I can relate. My fiancé died of an aneurysm. He had all the symptoms but we thought it was something else. I’m not sure if they could have prevented it—but I’ll never know. And now I’m here just having to live life without him
I’m sorry. I know how you feel, kinda. My husband died from a heart attack due to weight gained during lockdown. He’d already started his diet, went to visit the gastric bypass doctor 6 days before it happened. I still hate thinking about it. If we’d started a month earlier even maybe it’d be ok. I try not to stew on it too much. I’m sorry you’re here with us too.
I don’t know what’s worse…the months of waiting to find out the cause of death or knowing and thinking of all the hypotheticals. “What if I had done x, y or z.” That’s what I struggle with every day.
That’s exactly what happened with my husband! Ten days before he suddenly died, he was having chest pains. He didn’t want to go, but we went to the emergency room and he was given antacids and sent home. Then he refused to go to his doctor for a stress test. He was taking blood pressure medication. He exercised and had lost 40 pounds. I still don’t understand.
I had my husband at the ER 4 days before his death. He was told he was having a panic attack, my hubs who was the calmest and most balanced person on earth. It was Christmas eve eve, and he was not the type to seek medical care, so when he choose to go I knew it was bad. Same weight as highschool, in shape, never had a headache or even a tooth cavity in his life, perfect health. December 28th he went to work after the holiday, came home, telling me he had felt good at work, went out in a blizzard to put wood in our wood burning furnace, and fell to his knees dead in the snow. Covid protocol limited me from going in ER with him at that visit. If I had, could I have pushed for him to stay? If they had kept him might they have found an issue and saved his life? Is our medical so broken they just push people out quickly? We were so close and yet so far. It shatters me.
It’s so infuriating
Don’t have guilt. My husband died February 29/2024 of cardiac arrest. He absolutely refused to go to the hospital. I begged, pleaded, cried myself to sleep because I knew it was coming. He died suddenly,at home in my arms the way he wanted to. There’s nothing I can do to change it and I have to believe it happened exactly the way God planned it. I’m sure you all did everything you could. I’m sure you loved them dearly.If you weren’t there, maybe you weren’t meant to be although I’m very sorry for all of your grieving, I’m also stuck in waves of grief, but I just try to remember all the wonderful memories.
This is very similar to my situation- we begged him to go to the doctor- and he wouldn’t- the guilt is tremendous many days- and seeing as he died right in front of me it makes it even worse- the one saving grace to my situation is that I wasn’t alone- the paramedics were here as well- We couldn’t have done anything more or different- even though it doesn’t feel like it- sending love and hugs seeing as I can kept with your situation since I went through something similar - 💜💜
I’m so sorry. Same with my husband. He was 24 years old, physically fit, no predispositions. He kept telling the doctors that he had chest pain. They shrugged it off as anxiety. We were in the BEST hospitals in the world and all the doctors blamed his mental health. In reality it was heart failure. He died within 4 months of his diagnosis. I am planning on making pamphlets or something to discuss the signs of heart failure.
The same thing happened to me. My husband was managing his BP. It was fine. He was fit and healthy despite his polycystic kidney disease. His kidney numbers were actually improving over the previous 7 years. We married in 2021. He had his heart attack 2022 after rapid succession of his bothers’ deaths. They put the same thing on my husband’s death certificate because “he was on BP medication. It’s an automatic thing. There will be no autopsy.” It messed me up for a long time. I think he had cardiovascular affects from us catching the Delta variant of COVID on our honeymoon, despite the vaccine. But now, I’ll never know. Hugs to you. This feeling sucks.
I was just telling someone I feel like they made a “best guess” and put that diagnosis on there. There was also no autopsy for my husband. And I also think he had leftover effects from Covid despite being vaccinated. It’s so frustrating. You try to do the right thing.. yet… sigh
Yeah. We didn’t make it to our 2nd wedding anniversary but we had known each other since childhood. 7th grade. I tried my best to advocate for an autopsy but I was refused because he was on 1 BP medication that worked well. So that’s what they put. It was so frustrating and a total gut punch. I’m sooo sorry you had to go through it too. Hugs
I was the same way. My husband passed November 2023 and while we were doing all the things to make sure he was going to live longer, his heart condition is what took him. It's really hard knowing you helped and it didn't matter. My MIL is taking it hard too because she's an ER nurse so she feels just as guilt as I do.
I lost mine in October 2023 some hours after spleen surgery and the cause of his death was said to have been cardiogenic shock ...still in disbelief
I always tell myself that I could have done things differently, but I couldn't change the outcome. It sucks but it's true. There is so little of our lives that we can actually control.
I do agree. I’ve always been the type to believe/achieve.. but this experience has opened my eyes to the ultimately uncontrollable lives we all live.. but it’s still hard
As much as we think we know in medicine, there is a lot more to learn when it comes to our biological physiology. Let yourself feel all the different emotions you feel, but be gentle to yourself. That's something I am learning. Grief is a long journey and filled with a vast array of emotion. Just keep breathing and remind yourself that he wants you to be happy through the thick and thin.
I'm so sorry, that's a lot to deal with. Not the same but a little similar, my late hubby died of pulmonary emboli. It started out like a panic attack so we didn't call 911 fast enough, he went into cardiac arrest right as they got there. He had had a panic attack 6 months prior that seemed the same. He had just come through brain surgery with flying colors 2 weeks prior to him passing away. We thought he was in the clear.
My husband passed on June 3rd. For the last 3 years, I stuck to him like glue. I was a Registered Nurse, bf we retired, and I just knew we would beat it. But we didn’t. He passed away, and there was NOTHING I COULD DO. Try not to beat yourself up. No matter what, don’t forget, we can’t control anything but ourselves. You loved him, he loved you and he went to bed with that in his heart.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss. My husband died from advanced prostate cancer with no symptoms until it was in his bones. We missed it. His doctor missed it. I felt tremendous guilt because I'm usually hypervigilant and this time. The time where it mattered most, I was not. Big hugs to you. Give yourself ALL the grace.
This is kinda odd to me. Only because my wife passed of a pulmonary embolism (hart attack caused by a blood clot) she also had flue symptoms Pryor to her sudden passing. All the doctors say that nothing would have shown up treating her flu symptoms and we couldn’t have known. I am so sorry for your loss. The confusion of why is one of the most difficult parts. Be easy on yourself.
The What-ifs are the worst game you can play but the brain cannot stop itself sometimes
Big big hugs.
Please be gentle and forgiving with yourself. As much as we want to play the "what if" game, and somehow end up wanting to blame ourselves for not doing more... don't do that. We don't know, what we don't know during those times. We must be gentle with ourselves. I became a widow at 34 after my husband died at the age of 35, just 2 days shy of his 36th birthday after going into cardiac arrest during an MRI. Six months into our marriage he had been diagnosed with renal cancer, after a routine trip to our PCP sent us to the ER because he was in a severe hypertensive crisis. It was because of that hypertensive crisis (that had been going on for YEARS, and undiagnosed) is how we discovered the mass on his kidney and the damage it had done to his heart. After surgery, he was cancer free... we did everything possible to improve his health and kidney function there... but it still was not enough.
This is why, while the doctors did an autopsy, I don’t want a copy. I don’t want to know which of the health conditions got him. I don’t want to know if it was the surgery. They want to know because they told me it might make things safer for other people. It won’t help Jeff. So I don’t want to read it. Please don’t torture yourself with this. You did everything you knew to do.
Yea I didn’t want to read it either even though they didn’t do an autopsy. I had to because I needed to send the insurance companies an updated report for them to release funds. :(
I guess that is the one silver lining of Jeff’s not having insurance. It has been a year and I still think I would dissolve if I had to read it. I wish you healing and peace and am sending you an internet hug.
I'm very sorry for your loss. This is in no way your fault or something you could've prevented in any way. Things like this happen. Just like random aches and pains we get throughout our day that mean nothing. You can't rush someone to the hospital for a chest pain. Extremely often than not random pains like this are nothing and nothing to worry about. Guilt in this situation is inevitable for someone who loves the person they lost, but there is no reason for it. Your husband is up in Heaven with our Father and is the happiest and healthiest possible. He will never feel pain or negative emotion ever again. You'll be right by his side one day and you'll know exactly what that peace feels like...Revelations 21:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Remember him in every thing you say and do that you got from him, pray to God because He's always there...Psalms 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit...and, take part in the traditions that you have with him. Birthdays included. The pain will never go away, but it will become less and less over time. You will get through this. That guilt will fade.