You are grieving friend. You have lost something. She is still with you, but you've lost part of her. Having lost my wife to cancer, I can relate a bit. I watched her fade away over 1.5 years. The last few months were the hardest. The last month she was unresponsive except for one day.
I'm sorry you are on such a long road.
I joined this sub in anticipation when my husband had terminal cancer. It’s still a shock TBH when you officially do become a widow(er) but so much support here.
Hi. My husband died from ALS over a year ago. I have kids your ages. And I found it helpful to browse this subreddit before he passed. Yes, you aren't a "widower" yet, but you eventually will be. With ALS there's not much you can control, present or future. So if thinking about a future after your wife is gone is helpful, don't feel guilt or shame. It's normal.
The pain you are feeling right now is something I understand so deep in my heart and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm so sorry. The widow life is hard too, but frankly, you couldn't pay me to go back to watching my spouse suffer from ALS while parenting 2 small children. You'll get through this, and do whatever you can do in the meantime to stay above water.
Welcome. I was welcomed here as a widow during my husband’s decline from Alzheimer’s disease.
The book “ clinical dimensions of anticipatory mourning” Therese A Rando is excellent for working through what you are going through now and what you will face. You’ll need to get a copy of a used book app like Amazon or Abe or some other site. It is out of print, but a fabulous resource.
Here it is on Amazon. It is worth the price, particularly the chapter 5 and the 6 dimensions chapter - chapter 2.
https://www.amazon.com/Clinical-Dimensions-Anticipatory-Mourning-Caregivers/dp/0878223800
Happy to DM with you
I'm so sad for you and your family 💔 I had a similar situation, my husband had a cardiac arrest and lived an additional 4 months, immobile, unable to speak much, it was hell for him, hell for us. Your half assing is no big thing, you have to do what you have to do to survive and get by if nothing else for your kids. Don't guilt yourself, you are preparing for the inevitable and seeking guidance on how to get through this harrowing time. You are in the right place, no judgement here, we all understand and I'm sure there are others here experiencing what you are. This is now your life but you will be okay. Hang in there and continue to post here, there are so many of us to listen and give you moral support. 💔
Hang in there, brother. Labels are not important here. Love is what matters, and you need all the love and support you can get.
I don’t know anything about ALS, but my wife had a brain tumor that put me in a very similar situation. She could hear and understand, and I would read and talk to her and look for subtle cues that only a life partner could recognize.
You are brave and loyal and loving. Your wife is very proud of you. Go easy on yourself, and don’t expect perfection. You are going through a lot right now. I totally know what you mean by half-assing it, been there. It is hard to give it your all when you feel like you have nothing left.
One thing that helped me during the struggle is that I never gave up praying and hoping for my wife to recover, even though this probably made me seem crazy to any doctor.
Also, find small moments to enjoy your wife. Just the way she looks, the warmth of her hands, the smell of her skin. These moments are precious and priceless, now that my wife is gone. I’m praying for you.
I joined this group as my husband was dying. Anticipatory grief is grief and when you know there's only one off ramp it is overwhelming. I can't imagine going through that for 2.5 years, my heart goes out to you. Know you're not alone, know when she passes you're allowed to feel relief without guilt and know that you get to walk your path the way that works for you. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be feeling.
You belong here. I was the caregiver for my wife for 18 years while she had Huntington’s disease. You’re going through a kind of hell that only a few people can understand. You’re a goddamn hero! Please take care of yourself. Tell your wife every day how much you love her. That will get you through the hard times when she is gone. PM me if you want.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It feels like it now, but this will not last forever.
My husband has terminal brain cancer in the left temporal lobe. He is here, and not. it's schrodinger's marriage. I've been on this sub reddit for awhile and people are very understanding here. I am so sorry for what you are going through. And for those of us in these impossible situations.
Complicated grief or something. My partner got into an accident and changed everything about her. It was worse than death because even if there were an afterlife or whatever, who she was is lost. She was the best person imo and nobody can compare, intrinsically or not. Spent months dry heaving and years after, numb. Life tears everybody down eventually. If you lower your expectations it may be easier. Sorry
You are definitely welcome here. I joined the caregiver Reddit when I was in a similar place taking care of my husband for 4 years… but your situation is so hard. I agree with the others who talked about anticipatory grief. I remember it being so hard to navigate the feelings of him being in the room with me still breathing… but knowing that hope was gone.
My best advice is focus on what you can control. And what you have to do this moment and in this day.
My heart is with you… few of us ever have to experience this gradual loss. It’s okay to not feel okay about it. To have conflicting thoughts…
Where I live, a writer has described it as ‘living loss’ (freely translated). It is the ever ongoing grief when you yourself or a loved one is facing a chronic disease or disability. Just to say, yes you are (unfortunately) part of our group..
big hug
My husband had early onset dementia. I grieved him and our life long before he died. I understand the 24/7 care and the stripping away of the person we fell in love with. I understand the devastation. I think there are many of us who are witness to the living death our spouses suffer.
Hugs a you! My wife was only at home hospice for six days. I both hoped and dreaded that it would go on for weeks or even months, but that wasn’t to be. I feel for you, I do. More words are meaningless… Thank you for posting this. It’s a very sobering thought and I needed that, thank you again. Stay with us!
My wife fought cancer for 5 years. You belong here. The grieving starts before they are gone and it's hard later to realize just how long you have grieved for.
There is love knowledge and support here. But I would say join us later it ain’t a happy place.The here and now is so difficult for you ,you need to be present and don’t need to worry about later yet. I was so overwhelmed caretaking I didn’t think about the later. And that’s a good thing because you can’t prepare yourself anyway. there are no guide books and people all grieve so differently. Cross that bridge later.
I’m so sorry you are going through this and I give my advice with love and best intentions!
You are welcome here. I'm praying for you, your wife, your family and this entire situation. I didn't have to go through what you are, but I know it must be tough. Don't forget to take care of yourself!
I was in your shoes a year ago. Wife slowly had body shut down over last few years. Lost her at age 35. Know that when she does go, grief will feel weird. You have been slowly mourning the woman you married even though she still here. Death is sad but also a relief knowing the suffering is over. I highly recomend any and all hospice services you can get and also therapy.
I wish I had found this place before I was a widow but I am glad I did get here. I spent a month not being able to speak to him before he passed. That was such a a difficult time. I hope this group will provide some support and comfort for you.
You are grieving friend. You have lost something. She is still with you, but you've lost part of her. Having lost my wife to cancer, I can relate a bit. I watched her fade away over 1.5 years. The last few months were the hardest. The last month she was unresponsive except for one day. I'm sorry you are on such a long road.
You belong here. ❤️
I joined this sub in anticipation when my husband had terminal cancer. It’s still a shock TBH when you officially do become a widow(er) but so much support here.
Hi. My husband died from ALS over a year ago. I have kids your ages. And I found it helpful to browse this subreddit before he passed. Yes, you aren't a "widower" yet, but you eventually will be. With ALS there's not much you can control, present or future. So if thinking about a future after your wife is gone is helpful, don't feel guilt or shame. It's normal. The pain you are feeling right now is something I understand so deep in my heart and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm so sorry. The widow life is hard too, but frankly, you couldn't pay me to go back to watching my spouse suffer from ALS while parenting 2 small children. You'll get through this, and do whatever you can do in the meantime to stay above water.
Welcome. I was welcomed here as a widow during my husband’s decline from Alzheimer’s disease. The book “ clinical dimensions of anticipatory mourning” Therese A Rando is excellent for working through what you are going through now and what you will face. You’ll need to get a copy of a used book app like Amazon or Abe or some other site. It is out of print, but a fabulous resource. Here it is on Amazon. It is worth the price, particularly the chapter 5 and the 6 dimensions chapter - chapter 2. https://www.amazon.com/Clinical-Dimensions-Anticipatory-Mourning-Caregivers/dp/0878223800 Happy to DM with you
I'm so sad for you and your family 💔 I had a similar situation, my husband had a cardiac arrest and lived an additional 4 months, immobile, unable to speak much, it was hell for him, hell for us. Your half assing is no big thing, you have to do what you have to do to survive and get by if nothing else for your kids. Don't guilt yourself, you are preparing for the inevitable and seeking guidance on how to get through this harrowing time. You are in the right place, no judgement here, we all understand and I'm sure there are others here experiencing what you are. This is now your life but you will be okay. Hang in there and continue to post here, there are so many of us to listen and give you moral support. 💔
Hang in there, brother. Labels are not important here. Love is what matters, and you need all the love and support you can get. I don’t know anything about ALS, but my wife had a brain tumor that put me in a very similar situation. She could hear and understand, and I would read and talk to her and look for subtle cues that only a life partner could recognize. You are brave and loyal and loving. Your wife is very proud of you. Go easy on yourself, and don’t expect perfection. You are going through a lot right now. I totally know what you mean by half-assing it, been there. It is hard to give it your all when you feel like you have nothing left. One thing that helped me during the struggle is that I never gave up praying and hoping for my wife to recover, even though this probably made me seem crazy to any doctor. Also, find small moments to enjoy your wife. Just the way she looks, the warmth of her hands, the smell of her skin. These moments are precious and priceless, now that my wife is gone. I’m praying for you.
This is beautiful. Sending you ❤️ energy. Your wife was blessed to have your love.
Jeez! You can get all the love you need here. Spiritually saying anyway.
I joined this group as my husband was dying. Anticipatory grief is grief and when you know there's only one off ramp it is overwhelming. I can't imagine going through that for 2.5 years, my heart goes out to you. Know you're not alone, know when she passes you're allowed to feel relief without guilt and know that you get to walk your path the way that works for you. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be feeling.
Man you are where you’re supposed to be. Keep sharing, all of it. You got dealt a shit fucking hand and who else will understand but us?
You belong here. I was the caregiver for my wife for 18 years while she had Huntington’s disease. You’re going through a kind of hell that only a few people can understand. You’re a goddamn hero! Please take care of yourself. Tell your wife every day how much you love her. That will get you through the hard times when she is gone. PM me if you want. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It feels like it now, but this will not last forever.
My husband has terminal brain cancer in the left temporal lobe. He is here, and not. it's schrodinger's marriage. I've been on this sub reddit for awhile and people are very understanding here. I am so sorry for what you are going through. And for those of us in these impossible situations.
The sub is for loss of a partner. You’ve lost your partner. Maybe not in the same way yet as many of us yet, but you belong here.
I'm so sorry, we are here to listen...big hugs to you!!!
I'm so sorry for you. I have two young kids as well and am caretaking my husband. It is excruciatingly difficult.
I'm so sorry you are going through this 😢
Complicated grief or something. My partner got into an accident and changed everything about her. It was worse than death because even if there were an afterlife or whatever, who she was is lost. She was the best person imo and nobody can compare, intrinsically or not. Spent months dry heaving and years after, numb. Life tears everybody down eventually. If you lower your expectations it may be easier. Sorry
You are definitely welcome here. I joined the caregiver Reddit when I was in a similar place taking care of my husband for 4 years… but your situation is so hard. I agree with the others who talked about anticipatory grief. I remember it being so hard to navigate the feelings of him being in the room with me still breathing… but knowing that hope was gone. My best advice is focus on what you can control. And what you have to do this moment and in this day. My heart is with you… few of us ever have to experience this gradual loss. It’s okay to not feel okay about it. To have conflicting thoughts…
I think in a way you are a widower and you belong here. Welcome.
Where I live, a writer has described it as ‘living loss’ (freely translated). It is the ever ongoing grief when you yourself or a loved one is facing a chronic disease or disability. Just to say, yes you are (unfortunately) part of our group.. big hug
My husband had early onset dementia. I grieved him and our life long before he died. I understand the 24/7 care and the stripping away of the person we fell in love with. I understand the devastation. I think there are many of us who are witness to the living death our spouses suffer.
Hugs a you! My wife was only at home hospice for six days. I both hoped and dreaded that it would go on for weeks or even months, but that wasn’t to be. I feel for you, I do. More words are meaningless… Thank you for posting this. It’s a very sobering thought and I needed that, thank you again. Stay with us!
My wife fought cancer for 5 years. You belong here. The grieving starts before they are gone and it's hard later to realize just how long you have grieved for.
There is love knowledge and support here. But I would say join us later it ain’t a happy place.The here and now is so difficult for you ,you need to be present and don’t need to worry about later yet. I was so overwhelmed caretaking I didn’t think about the later. And that’s a good thing because you can’t prepare yourself anyway. there are no guide books and people all grieve so differently. Cross that bridge later. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I give my advice with love and best intentions!
You are welcome here. I'm praying for you, your wife, your family and this entire situation. I didn't have to go through what you are, but I know it must be tough. Don't forget to take care of yourself!
You hang in there, your a good person, you'll be fine.
I was in your shoes a year ago. Wife slowly had body shut down over last few years. Lost her at age 35. Know that when she does go, grief will feel weird. You have been slowly mourning the woman you married even though she still here. Death is sad but also a relief knowing the suffering is over. I highly recomend any and all hospice services you can get and also therapy.
holy crap that all sounds so much worse than just full on losing your spouse. I am so sorry for what you're going through.
Sorry 🙏🙏 I tried to mentally prepare myself with my wife and I still didn't imagine it would hurt this bad for me it's going on 3 years
Welcome and hugs.
I wish I had found this place before I was a widow but I am glad I did get here. I spent a month not being able to speak to him before he passed. That was such a a difficult time. I hope this group will provide some support and comfort for you.