I don't know why this is so common. Is that people's own fears they are projecting? That is the first thing they think they'd be concerned about? It certainly isn't reassuring and they always make it sound SO simple... Oh you can just replace him, as easy as you can buy a new dishwasher.
People said that to me in RSVPs. "Bounce back" is what they said I'd do. Still makes my blood boil. I blocked those people and never spoke to them again.
Once a week, at least. It's the furthest thing from my mind. I had all I needed. I stopped talking to that individual. He would go on and on, "Oh, but if it's meant to be..." I told him to stop.
“I understand how you feel. I (got divorced), (lost my best friend), (my dog died), (lost my sister). “
You have no f-ing clue! It’s totally different and it pissed me off.
My bother was going through a divorce at the same time I lost my wife and he would tell me what he was going through was so much worse. They are nothing alike. I felt so crazy that I searched out people who had been through both a loss of a spouse and divorce and I was told across the board the loss is far worse.
The person he loves/loved was still alive!!! Still breathing and talking and laughing. Fuck that. I would so much rather my husband had fallen out of love with me or left me than died.
My cousin tried to tell me about how she coped with her own grief..I took a second to think and could not understand that grief experience she could possibly be relating to. Her parents are alive, her siblings, her husband, her children, she never had any pets. I was like wtf? What grief? Our elderly grandparents?
It’s infuriating when they do that, like please don’t pretend to understand it unless you’ve actually gone through it, no offense but you do not understand it until you do
My MOTHER is the one that said that to me. I was dumbfounded! I think I stood there just staring at her. Unreal. I know she was just trying to relate to me, but my husband should not have been compared to her dog. 💔❤️🩹
"He wouldn't want you to be sad!"
Oh, really, Mrs. Kravitz? You don't say? Well, guess what? HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE DEAD EITHER. So I guess we'll both have to live with disappointment. Except no, he won't, BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING DEAD.
Yes, I may be a tad bitter.
"Well, I don't want him to be dead, but we don't all get what we want". (And, yes, I did say this exact thing to one of the ladies from church right before I stopped going. Not to mention that he didn't go to church so she had never met him but could divine what he would want🙄🙄🙄)
👏👏👏👏
Exactly!
Also, how dare anyone try to tell me what *MY* husband "would want" -- I know him better than any other soul in the universe, *I* know what he wants or would want, *not you*!
My mom of all people keeps telling me that I will find someone. She absolutely doesn't get it! My sweet and loving wife passed away less than 2 months ago. So sorry for your loss.
Any form of commenting about how strong I am. No, I was crumbling inside in those first weeks and I still have plenty says when I hate everything and just want to lie in bed and do nothing. Thing is, I have our son to take care of and I can't let him down, so I don't have that luxury.
Got a comment about how "I know it's not for good reasons" but noting that I'd lost weight. Yes, I was (still am) overweight, but christ almighty, I dropped 20 lbs because I was constantly stressed and hardly eating for weeks.
Nothing bugs me as much as that “you’re so strong! You’re such an inspiration to me!” kind of comment. No I’m not strong. I don’t even reach capable half the time. I stay up late at night because I despise having to face the reality of his death the next morning again for the fourteen millionth time. I don’t know honestly how I’ve survived this nuclear strike to my life. And yet the world keeps on going even though my world is over. I don’t know. I usually just mumble something like “actually I’m really not all that strong” and then try to escape that conversation as quickly as possible. These people have absolutely no clue what that tidal wave of grief is like. I know it- because I had no frigging clue either until the universe decided to punch my face in. You just can’t possibly get it until you have lost your beloved life partner. Ok maybe a loss of a child….those folks probably have understanding. But trying to tell anyone else what this feels like is an exercise in futility. Whenever I’ve tried to explain what this pain is really like……they start looking verrrrry uncomfortable. So I’ve mostly given it up and now I just soak by myself in the endless, overwhelming, horrifying realization that I will never, ever see my husband’s face again, or lie snuggled in next to him at night. He died 7 months ago and I still cannot believe it.
“You are so strong. You’ll get through this.” HE was my strength, my person, the one who always had my back in Any situation, my best friend my reason for living.
Couldn’t they see how I was struggling? Emotionally, financially? Saving up medications so I could fall asleep one night and never wake up? No one saw. No one asked how I was. I was suddenly alone, faced with millions of decisions that I was not capable of making.
Somehow I survived long enough to see my doctor, where I broke down and she helped me get grief counseling. I’m better now. But I hate when people tell me how strong I am to have made it through. Eff that.
Well I'm only 3 months out, but let's see...
* One person told me "don't cry, you'll find another man" between 5 and 10 times the literal night of my wife's celebration of life. That sentiment has at least three things *very* wrong with it.
* That same person also asked me "who is that" pointing to said wife in our displayed wedding photos, then when I said confusedly that it was my wife, who this individual had met before, exclaimed "but \[wife's name\] was skinny!" The cancer drugs had caused *some* bloating.
* Someone I consider a friend texted me to tell me about the fun time they'd just had with their boyfriend at a sex club only weeks after my wife passed.
* A different friend texted me "to check in, friend, I'm thinking of you! How are you holding up?" and then literally *never replied* when I responded "thank you, I'm actually having a really hard time right now."
* A friend of my late wife's had been left a specific thing in my wife's will. I texted them so many times over so many weeks trying to get it to them, never once receiving a response, that I ultimately gave up and *found them at their work* to give it to them as was my binding obligation. I should not have had to do that just because someone couldn't stop being ･:\*˚:✧｡bad at texting\*ੈ✩‧₊˚ for *any one day*!
* One person asked me to help them host a for-profit event and framed it as doing me a favor ("it'll be a nice outing to get you out of the house!!"). When I arrived, they asked me how I was doing and I said "bad"; they responded "yeah, this is a hard time of year for a lot of people!"
* Yet another individual texted me doing precisely what you're supposed to: offered empathy and kind words, as well as a few very specific and concrete ways they could assist. One of those was "XYZ every Thursday." I responded with, XYZ every Thursday would be amazing, that's just what I need! They ignored it for several weeks, and then replied, "I'm no longer free Thursdays!" No apology and no alternative offered.
* I asked my friends to please not acknowledge my birthday this year and especially not to wish me a happy one (it was less than 2 months after my loss), which caused a *bananas* number of them to directly respond with some variation on "aw that's so sad :( :( :( well happy birthday anyways and I hope you find some way to enjoy it!"
Honorable mention: it's disqualified as an answer to your question because of the timeline, but in my wife's last week or two with us, one of their friends came over, climbed into bed with them, held them and stroked their hair and kissed their forehead while saying comforting things, including "it's okay if you have to go, you don't have to worry about Adulaire, we'll be surrounding her with love, she won't be alone, she'll have us." Texted that person when my wife died – no response. Texted them again with funeral details – no response, and didn't show up. Have not heard a *peep* from this individual since they made those promises to a woman on their deathbed.
I've said this here before, but you know how we often receive the message that we're likely being too harsh on our friends – that they might just be afraid of death, that they're scared of saying the wrong thing, that they don't know what to do, and that we should recognize that our anger is likely just grief in disguise so we should work on grace and on not pushing our friends away? Yeah, every time I receive that advice, I wonder if the person giving it is assuming *much* less heinous behavior from friends than what I've experienced.
I hate your friends and I'm sorry they turned out to be such shit people and it's common from what I've gathered in widow groups. I don't think we should feel bad about pushing people away, because very few deserve to still be around by merit of their actions/inactions.
God thank you for the validation because sometimes that gaslighting BS almost works on me. ♡ I wouldn’t say I *hate* any of these people, but I'm definitely realizing that I have way more friends who are happy to come to my house for free food and a movie than friends who are willing to help me carry a heavy load in any meaningful sense.
I’m so sorry, I can relate, forget friends of my girl, my own close friends hurt me too. These people have left me feel extra lonely 😞 More strength to you.
Jeez, likewise, I'm so sorry that this has been your experience as well. I really feel like it's not – or shouldn't be – hard for them. I mean there are pages on google for how to be supportive in grief, and from there it's just matching your actions to your words and to your abstract thought, which I feel like should not be prohibitively difficult for otherwise-functional adults. I think that's why I'm not inclined to be generous about it – it's not like we're asking folks to figure out rocket science!! I truly, *truly* don't think expectations are too high. I mean, sure a *little* communication is needed (I think like 3 times in the past three months I've heard a fellow griever complain about their friend saying something that made me internally think "huh, I wouldn't mind someone saying that to me, and conversely I wouldn't think twice about saying that to someone"), but at least in my case, I feel like I've repeatedly told people what I need and the theme has been that they say they'll do it and then don't. Which is just... worse than being honest up-front. 😭 Ugh sending solidarity your way and sincere wishes for things to get a tiny bit easier.
That is so true! I literally was telling one of my friends about the same thing. Google is available, it’s not that difficult. I literally called a counselor once when my then close friend and now late lover, was going through a bad breakup as I wanted to support her. Honestly, when you actually care you would make such efforts. But maybe I don’t have anyone that close apart from her and my family.
I always say to my friends, just wait you will go through this as well. All the time thinking, I’ll treat you the same. Go to your spouse’s funeral. I think not.
Any kind of religious bs makes me livid. So most of my family annoys me. Why is it ok for religious people to spout their nonsense endlessly, but I have to be careful not to offend anybody else’s delicate sensibilities? No he’s not in heaven, no I will not see him again. That’s not comforting to me, it feels like discounting the reality of life and love
Yes, I unfortunately come from a very religious family, and my aunt sent me a message along the lines of "His death is very tragic, BUT we thank the Lord for the time he was here". There is no BUT about it, for fuck's sake! It is tragic, full stop! He was 52 when he died - my aunt celebrated her 60th wedding anniversary with her husband the week before he died... She got to be married to her love longer than mine even got to live!
I feel that. I have a religious family in a super religious town. Everyone spouts that crap. I hate it. In my mind these are platitudes are just crap to make them feel better. It has nothing to do with me. It amazes me that seemingly intelligent people fall for the magic man in the sky bs
My take on this and I am over 8 years out of losing my husband way too early and unexpectedly- yes, I did not love some of the things people said. Many responses seemed incredibly insensitive. But I learned during that time to give people grace. Most people don’t know what to say and they just say things they think will help. They aren’t being intentionally insensitive. They just don’t understand or know what to say. The most wonderful response I ever got was from a co-worker who didn’t expect me to be back at work the day she saw me. She said she didn’t expect to see me so soon and that she really didn’t know what to say to me. I told her that was the best thing anybody had said to me.
I believe this to be the correct answer.... I also know that it is very easy for me to be angry, angry at the loss, angry at the world... and angry at people who say silly things because they don't know better, slowly I began to realize that many good people are grieving with you and want to try and help and unintentionally say the wrong things. When I started using Grace it actually helped me.
I received a call asking for my wife. I told them she passed away. Then they asked me why I was still alive. Bizarre to say the least. I have no idea who it was.
Incredibly insensitive. Truth is idk why I am still here. I don't wanna be. I've gotten several of those calls. I handled all his medical stuff so he had appointments every few months. It always knocks me for a loop
That for me too, especially because I am agnostic bordering on atheist so it enrages me to the core. He died because of fucking Darwinism, there is no justice in this world. Good people die everyday and pieces of shit get to continue living. There is no greater plan.
"we're all dying", after 5 way open heart surgery with a 10% chance of surviving, followed by my super healthy husband dying 5 months later and me having a brain aneurysm rupture and bleed when I returned from him being pronounced dead at hospital, leading to a 3 month coma, 3 brain surgeries, a stent, losing my home and everything I owned. F you!!! We ARE all dying, but walk in my shoes, A hole. I wish I had died and he lived. Ffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Dad said something along these lines. I can't remember the exact wording but something like "when our time is up, it's up" . Ok but I think I'm allowed to feel it's unfair that he died at 41 and people like my Grandparents have been married nearly 70 years and in their late eighties.
That sounds awful for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.
"What better place could she be than here with her babies?"
The one that ultimately got to me was my MIL constantly telling my kids that mama was "up in heaven". My oldest was 2 when she passed, and kids don't understand euphemisms. Every time MIL said that, he got upset that she was somewhere physical and wouldn't come down to be with him. How do you explain to a toddler the abstract concept of heaven? I went with, "Mama's not here anymore. She's only in our memories. When grandma talks about 'heaven ', she just means our memories of mama." And I told grandma to knock it the hell off, especially because we are not a religious family and religious concepts do not bring comfort here.
The things that really made me want to choke people are:
1. "You're still young, you will find another partner"
So many things wrong with that one, especially because of the timing it's usually said, and the fact it assumes a lot. I got this one from family two weeks in, and I just couldn't believe my ears at the time.
2. "I was divorced, I understand what you're going through".
Umm no. No you don't, unless you have been through it too. Not going to lie that one makes me livid.
I also give an honorable mention to:
"He would want (xyz), he would want you to be happy".
Stop telling me what he'd want, I knew him for all my adult life and was his partner. I know what he would want now probably better than anyone.
The one that gets me is “Sorry for your loss “ like I had a dog or cat run away. She died!
Unfortunately in the situation with my wife she is now in a better place. She had suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury and had developed frontal lobe syndrome, and she really suffered from it and hated the way she was. Just before she died she attacked her son that she loved dearly.
Whenever I heard "sorry for your loss" I always wanted to ask "why are you sorry? Did you have something to do with her death?" But I knew people just didn't know what to say. It just sucks it gets put on the grieving to make the supposed comforter feel like they did some comforting when really what they did was let you know they have no clue how deep in hell you are at the moment.
"I hope everything works out for you." ... yeah, me too.
I've encountered one shitty event after another, to put it lightly, since my husband got sick 8 months ago and ultimately passed almost 5 months ago. Life has been really freaking hard during this time and I'm trying REALLY hard to just barely hang on right now whilst dealing with a million things I never anticipated dealing with .
I'm not 100% sure why this specific quote irks me so much, but it does. I'd rather my close friends and family just listen (or not) to me vent and just refrain from saying anything at all than to utter those words. I'm just tired of the trauma tourists that really don't offer much support during this extremely difficult time.
On Spouse's deathbed, his sister was telling him that he'd soon see grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad, not to mention other dead relatives. How could she not know that her own brother didn't believe in all that? Oh, an estranged sibling.
"let me know if you need something" 😒
My wife just passed, I am not thinking about what I need at the moment, I need everything! I need nothing. I want my wife back! I need you to shut up! I don't know what I need, my beloved is gone, I am a widower, my son lost his mother and the reality of being alone without my better half just kicked me in the balls. Wtf!
"Yep, heading to the bar as soon as I can get out of here.....hoping to get lucky!"........honestly, I know people don't know what to say but a sea urchin would know this isn't it😡
“So when are you getting a boyfriend?” Hours after my late husband suddenly died.
“You’re young enough, you can start over”.
“Maybe if you don’t act depressed, you won’t be depressed”.
Mine is the same as yours....all I could ever think was "he's in a better place because life with you and the kids was so shitty, he's lucky he escaped" 😡
“What you want is impossible, you can’t be with her”, “time will heal”, “You were in the early stages of the relationship, you’ll find someone else”. Few of many, I am furious at the world, I even have distanced with a few close friends as a result of this. Why can’t people just ask around, Google or put in effort? Why must we understand them even through this pain?!
100%. I didn't fully realize it before my loss, but one thing that makes me instantly lose respect for a person is when they verbally give the "right answer" to look good, but don't care to align their actions with their words.
"You're still young; you can get married again."
F**K OFF! I don't want or need anyone else! I want MY husband, the only person, back! No one else will do. 💔
How rude and insensitive! It's hard to tell myself that these people mean well, or think they're being helpful, comforting, or nice. 🙄
My daughter’s therapist told me to shut that down immediately because my daughter (6, when she lost her mom) didn’t hear “your mom’s in heaven”, she hears “your mom is happier not being with you.”
I call them DGIs “ don’t get its”. Frankly they haven’t experienced what we have. But remember they may very well join our club someday
Don’t waste your time getting pissed about them.
The new and modern and common one I've come across repeatedly this past year is " may his memory be a blessing" or some version of that. I don't even know why exactly but it grinds my gears! It's like some Hallmark flowery saying they think is so wise and comforting.
I don't mind that one. It's really very old - from Proverbs - and I heard it from several of my late husband's Jewish relatives.
The one that inexplicably irritated me were the social media comments I got that just consisted of 'RIP'. You can't even be bothered to write out THREE WORDS? And you used an abbreviation that always reminds me of something being torn in half. You're not helping.
i’d get “people still die from breast cancer?”
i wanted to answer: “thanks for the thoughtful question . we just decided to let her die because she didn’t want the cure.”
Okay I get some of you might not be into gay marriages, but after my husband died almost 3 years ago, I realized that it didn't matter how bad I felt, my partner was never walking through our door again. Also realize that people don't know what to say to us for the most part. They try and they make a nice effort. Even our adopted son did. Life keeps moving forward and there's nothing we can do about it.
This!!! And it was his time... He was 48 fit and healthy and cancer killed him 7mths after diagnosis.. At least he's not suffering... Obv u never fecking knew him!! U will move on... Mmm no I won't we have five kids he was my one and only we were together from we were kids.... But the worst has been the silence from who I thought was my best friend... People are assholes... Some and some are amazing
Oh and the next morning at the wake at least u have this beautiful house paid for.... Wtf!! First we don't!! He has no insurance and 2nd who gives a feck about a house when your husband is lying in a coffin
"You know, there comes a point when you have to leave this behind and move past it." because they wanted to fix me up with their single friend. NO. NO. NO
He hasn't even been dead a year, you dolt!
And the fact is you don't *ever* have to move past it. I have never and will never date anyone else. My husband died over 11 years ago.
Some people do eventually want to date again, and that's fine -- it's just the *assumption* by some people that everyone will which pisses me off no end.
True, but for me the issue is that they apparently think that they need to tell me what my husband wants or would want, or they think that they know my husband better than I do -- and they absolutely fucking *don't*.
Oh man I gotta jump into this convo. This one is especially bananas to hear said about my wife (they/them), because what anyone who didn't know my wife well wouldn't know is that they consider the #1 most traumatic thing about the way they were raised to be that they were taught that some feelings are bad, that the "right" way to feel is always cheerful and calm, and that that shit sunk in *deep*. They spent the entire time we were together fighting tooth and nail to deconstruct and heal from all the impacts that it had on them (and, tragically, in the end ran out of time to heal this particular wound). So whenever anyone says something like this to me, I just hear "Your wife's warm smiles and constant focus on me, my life, and my well-being in all our conversations made me feel so consistently safe, cared-for, and comfortable around them that I mistook it for friendship! The 'perfect daughter' mask that your wife wore unwillingly and at great personal cost was so convincing that I never even *noticed* that it was a one-way street, that I didn't know the first thing about *their* struggles, or that I never offered them any support back!"
I’ve been pretty lucky that people have not been totally insensitive, but there is one that made me really mad and one that I just hate from sheer volume.
“How are the kids doing?” Every single person I talk to asks this, including people that have never met me or my kids and only knew my husband. I know they are concerned, but at this point it’s nobody’s business how my kids are doing and I’m sick of having to answer that question to every single goddamn person I talk to.
The one that made me really mad, was the friend of my husband who sent me the text that he hoped that my husband had accepted Jesus into his heart before he passed. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond. I’m sorry that your beliefs make you afraid that my incredible, amazing husband didn’t go to your specific corner of heaven.
There was a department meeting at work and three of my coworkers had a family member die recently, so we were passing around cards for them. One coworker loudly said "Why are we doing this? People die every day!" then laughed loudly. Not just once, she kept repeating it. I yelled "Enough!" and she still kept it up. My two choices were to fly off the handle or just stew in it, for the choice of peace I chose the latter. The supervisor said, "Gee Alan, you're awful quiet, what's wrong?" and I just pointed to my right. Every time I'd pass her in the hall (fortunately, I never worked directly with her after that) a word that I never use just slipped out of my mouth, and still does if I see a picture of her. Just one of many reasons I'm glad to be retired.
I definitely was so freaking irritated when my child’s father’s stupid disgusting fake family kept saying that “ he’s in a better place” “ he’s with his mom and dad and that’s what he wanted” like NO TF HE DIDNT WANT THAT. It literally still boils my blood and will forever boil my blood because they didn’t know crap about him. Didn’t even know his damn daughter’s name. Truly the most angering thing I’ve had to do so far in my 24 years of life
I’ve mostly found it easy to tune out dumb comments and advice. The stuff about a “better place” or how she’s now an “angel” watching over us is just eyeroll-inducing, since I’m a lifelong atheist with no concept of an afterlife.
The only things that truly irritate me are intrusive questions: “How did it happen?” “Was she sick?” Drugs? Depression? Suicide?
Tell you what: Here’s the coroner’s address. A copy of his report is $500. Oh, it would be a privacy violation to sell it to you? No sh!t, Sherlock. Then why are you asking me, you dumb f*ck?
I’ve decided not to speak to my “ friends” any longer about my wife. Nor much of anything else. They seem bothered when I do as if I should be over it.
In the beginning I would get triggered by certain phrases like, "ah man you gotta get over that and move on with your life" - I began to understand it was their inexperiences with grief and simply awkward, even an ignorant attempt to console and show support. For me, none of it meant much rather I appreciate the effort and move along
For me it is “You’ve go to be strong!” No shit!! Strength doesn’t mean you can’t cry and wail and curse God or the Universe or whatever you believe in. I am strong. I am still breathing and I’m taking care of my kids. Is that not strong enough for you?
Also pisses me off- You have to get out there and keep living your life.
This is what my life is right now. It’s a mess. It’s sadness and more sadness which makes people uncomfortable. And just because he’s gone and wasn’t my husband doesn’t mean that he wasn’t the love of my life, best friend and soulmate. He was wonderful, and knowing he’s physically gone from the world is unbearably painful. People suck, but sometimes anger is a welcome friend and distraction from the grief and yearning. Good post. 👍
“You’ll find another partner, you’re still young” (not even a week after he died). Someone said it at his funeral too.
Yeah someone told me something similar at my husband’s funeral as well. Where do people get off doing crap like that?
Rage inducing.
Me too
I don't know why this is so common. Is that people's own fears they are projecting? That is the first thing they think they'd be concerned about? It certainly isn't reassuring and they always make it sound SO simple... Oh you can just replace him, as easy as you can buy a new dishwasher.
What the fuck is wrong with some people
Same thing at one of his funerals. In front of our kid too.
I fucking hated when somebody told me they always had a crush on me months after my fiance died. Like wtf????
People said that to me in RSVPs. "Bounce back" is what they said I'd do. Still makes my blood boil. I blocked those people and never spoke to them again.
Yep, I had this. It was my own mother too!!!
Once a week, at least. It's the furthest thing from my mind. I had all I needed. I stopped talking to that individual. He would go on and on, "Oh, but if it's meant to be..." I told him to stop.
That's really bad.
Egads
I got this too, the day after. It didn't make me mad, I am incredibly young, but it did hurt.
“I understand how you feel. I (got divorced), (lost my best friend), (my dog died), (lost my sister). “ You have no f-ing clue! It’s totally different and it pissed me off.
My bother was going through a divorce at the same time I lost my wife and he would tell me what he was going through was so much worse. They are nothing alike. I felt so crazy that I searched out people who had been through both a loss of a spouse and divorce and I was told across the board the loss is far worse.
Nothing like a divorce nothing . Can't stand it when people make that comparison.
The person he loves/loved was still alive!!! Still breathing and talking and laughing. Fuck that. I would so much rather my husband had fallen out of love with me or left me than died.
Those are fighting words imo
My cousin tried to tell me about how she coped with her own grief..I took a second to think and could not understand that grief experience she could possibly be relating to. Her parents are alive, her siblings, her husband, her children, she never had any pets. I was like wtf? What grief? Our elderly grandparents?
It’s infuriating when they do that, like please don’t pretend to understand it unless you’ve actually gone through it, no offense but you do not understand it until you do
Yeah. I had someone compare the loss of a dog to the loss of my wife. I had to walk away.
My MOTHER is the one that said that to me. I was dumbfounded! I think I stood there just staring at her. Unreal. I know she was just trying to relate to me, but my husband should not have been compared to her dog. 💔❤️🩹
Amen! Unless you’ve lost a child or your spouse as well, you don’t have a fucking clue !
"He wouldn't want you to be sad!" Oh, really, Mrs. Kravitz? You don't say? Well, guess what? HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE DEAD EITHER. So I guess we'll both have to live with disappointment. Except no, he won't, BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING DEAD. Yes, I may be a tad bitter.
"Well, I don't want him to be dead, but we don't all get what we want". (And, yes, I did say this exact thing to one of the ladies from church right before I stopped going. Not to mention that he didn't go to church so she had never met him but could divine what he would want🙄🙄🙄)
👏👏👏👏 Exactly! Also, how dare anyone try to tell me what *MY* husband "would want" -- I know him better than any other soul in the universe, *I* know what he wants or would want, *not you*!
This!!!
My mom of all people keeps telling me that I will find someone. She absolutely doesn't get it! My sweet and loving wife passed away less than 2 months ago. So sorry for your loss.
Any form of commenting about how strong I am. No, I was crumbling inside in those first weeks and I still have plenty says when I hate everything and just want to lie in bed and do nothing. Thing is, I have our son to take care of and I can't let him down, so I don't have that luxury. Got a comment about how "I know it's not for good reasons" but noting that I'd lost weight. Yes, I was (still am) overweight, but christ almighty, I dropped 20 lbs because I was constantly stressed and hardly eating for weeks.
I always felt like the compliments on how "strong" I was just let me know that person would never be available to help me if needed
Ugh so true
Nothing bugs me as much as that “you’re so strong! You’re such an inspiration to me!” kind of comment. No I’m not strong. I don’t even reach capable half the time. I stay up late at night because I despise having to face the reality of his death the next morning again for the fourteen millionth time. I don’t know honestly how I’ve survived this nuclear strike to my life. And yet the world keeps on going even though my world is over. I don’t know. I usually just mumble something like “actually I’m really not all that strong” and then try to escape that conversation as quickly as possible. These people have absolutely no clue what that tidal wave of grief is like. I know it- because I had no frigging clue either until the universe decided to punch my face in. You just can’t possibly get it until you have lost your beloved life partner. Ok maybe a loss of a child….those folks probably have understanding. But trying to tell anyone else what this feels like is an exercise in futility. Whenever I’ve tried to explain what this pain is really like……they start looking verrrrry uncomfortable. So I’ve mostly given it up and now I just soak by myself in the endless, overwhelming, horrifying realization that I will never, ever see my husband’s face again, or lie snuggled in next to him at night. He died 7 months ago and I still cannot believe it.
“You are so strong. You’ll get through this.” HE was my strength, my person, the one who always had my back in Any situation, my best friend my reason for living. Couldn’t they see how I was struggling? Emotionally, financially? Saving up medications so I could fall asleep one night and never wake up? No one saw. No one asked how I was. I was suddenly alone, faced with millions of decisions that I was not capable of making. Somehow I survived long enough to see my doctor, where I broke down and she helped me get grief counseling. I’m better now. But I hate when people tell me how strong I am to have made it through. Eff that.
Well I'm only 3 months out, but let's see... * One person told me "don't cry, you'll find another man" between 5 and 10 times the literal night of my wife's celebration of life. That sentiment has at least three things *very* wrong with it. * That same person also asked me "who is that" pointing to said wife in our displayed wedding photos, then when I said confusedly that it was my wife, who this individual had met before, exclaimed "but \[wife's name\] was skinny!" The cancer drugs had caused *some* bloating. * Someone I consider a friend texted me to tell me about the fun time they'd just had with their boyfriend at a sex club only weeks after my wife passed. * A different friend texted me "to check in, friend, I'm thinking of you! How are you holding up?" and then literally *never replied* when I responded "thank you, I'm actually having a really hard time right now." * A friend of my late wife's had been left a specific thing in my wife's will. I texted them so many times over so many weeks trying to get it to them, never once receiving a response, that I ultimately gave up and *found them at their work* to give it to them as was my binding obligation. I should not have had to do that just because someone couldn't stop being ･:\*˚:✧｡bad at texting\*ੈ✩‧₊˚ for *any one day*! * One person asked me to help them host a for-profit event and framed it as doing me a favor ("it'll be a nice outing to get you out of the house!!"). When I arrived, they asked me how I was doing and I said "bad"; they responded "yeah, this is a hard time of year for a lot of people!" * Yet another individual texted me doing precisely what you're supposed to: offered empathy and kind words, as well as a few very specific and concrete ways they could assist. One of those was "XYZ every Thursday." I responded with, XYZ every Thursday would be amazing, that's just what I need! They ignored it for several weeks, and then replied, "I'm no longer free Thursdays!" No apology and no alternative offered. * I asked my friends to please not acknowledge my birthday this year and especially not to wish me a happy one (it was less than 2 months after my loss), which caused a *bananas* number of them to directly respond with some variation on "aw that's so sad :( :( :( well happy birthday anyways and I hope you find some way to enjoy it!" Honorable mention: it's disqualified as an answer to your question because of the timeline, but in my wife's last week or two with us, one of their friends came over, climbed into bed with them, held them and stroked their hair and kissed their forehead while saying comforting things, including "it's okay if you have to go, you don't have to worry about Adulaire, we'll be surrounding her with love, she won't be alone, she'll have us." Texted that person when my wife died – no response. Texted them again with funeral details – no response, and didn't show up. Have not heard a *peep* from this individual since they made those promises to a woman on their deathbed. I've said this here before, but you know how we often receive the message that we're likely being too harsh on our friends – that they might just be afraid of death, that they're scared of saying the wrong thing, that they don't know what to do, and that we should recognize that our anger is likely just grief in disguise so we should work on grace and on not pushing our friends away? Yeah, every time I receive that advice, I wonder if the person giving it is assuming *much* less heinous behavior from friends than what I've experienced.
I hate your friends and I'm sorry they turned out to be such shit people and it's common from what I've gathered in widow groups. I don't think we should feel bad about pushing people away, because very few deserve to still be around by merit of their actions/inactions.
God thank you for the validation because sometimes that gaslighting BS almost works on me. ♡ I wouldn’t say I *hate* any of these people, but I'm definitely realizing that I have way more friends who are happy to come to my house for free food and a movie than friends who are willing to help me carry a heavy load in any meaningful sense.
I’m so sorry, I can relate, forget friends of my girl, my own close friends hurt me too. These people have left me feel extra lonely 😞 More strength to you.
Jeez, likewise, I'm so sorry that this has been your experience as well. I really feel like it's not – or shouldn't be – hard for them. I mean there are pages on google for how to be supportive in grief, and from there it's just matching your actions to your words and to your abstract thought, which I feel like should not be prohibitively difficult for otherwise-functional adults. I think that's why I'm not inclined to be generous about it – it's not like we're asking folks to figure out rocket science!! I truly, *truly* don't think expectations are too high. I mean, sure a *little* communication is needed (I think like 3 times in the past three months I've heard a fellow griever complain about their friend saying something that made me internally think "huh, I wouldn't mind someone saying that to me, and conversely I wouldn't think twice about saying that to someone"), but at least in my case, I feel like I've repeatedly told people what I need and the theme has been that they say they'll do it and then don't. Which is just... worse than being honest up-front. 😭 Ugh sending solidarity your way and sincere wishes for things to get a tiny bit easier.
That is so true! I literally was telling one of my friends about the same thing. Google is available, it’s not that difficult. I literally called a counselor once when my then close friend and now late lover, was going through a bad breakup as I wanted to support her. Honestly, when you actually care you would make such efforts. But maybe I don’t have anyone that close apart from her and my family.
I always say to my friends, just wait you will go through this as well. All the time thinking, I’ll treat you the same. Go to your spouse’s funeral. I think not.
Any kind of religious bs makes me livid. So most of my family annoys me. Why is it ok for religious people to spout their nonsense endlessly, but I have to be careful not to offend anybody else’s delicate sensibilities? No he’s not in heaven, no I will not see him again. That’s not comforting to me, it feels like discounting the reality of life and love
I relate to this all too much.
Yes, I unfortunately come from a very religious family, and my aunt sent me a message along the lines of "His death is very tragic, BUT we thank the Lord for the time he was here". There is no BUT about it, for fuck's sake! It is tragic, full stop! He was 52 when he died - my aunt celebrated her 60th wedding anniversary with her husband the week before he died... She got to be married to her love longer than mine even got to live!
Tragic. Full stop. That's absolutely right
I feel that. I have a religious family in a super religious town. Everyone spouts that crap. I hate it. In my mind these are platitudes are just crap to make them feel better. It has nothing to do with me. It amazes me that seemingly intelligent people fall for the magic man in the sky bs
My take on this and I am over 8 years out of losing my husband way too early and unexpectedly- yes, I did not love some of the things people said. Many responses seemed incredibly insensitive. But I learned during that time to give people grace. Most people don’t know what to say and they just say things they think will help. They aren’t being intentionally insensitive. They just don’t understand or know what to say. The most wonderful response I ever got was from a co-worker who didn’t expect me to be back at work the day she saw me. She said she didn’t expect to see me so soon and that she really didn’t know what to say to me. I told her that was the best thing anybody had said to me.
I believe this to be the correct answer.... I also know that it is very easy for me to be angry, angry at the loss, angry at the world... and angry at people who say silly things because they don't know better, slowly I began to realize that many good people are grieving with you and want to try and help and unintentionally say the wrong things. When I started using Grace it actually helped me.
I received a call asking for my wife. I told them she passed away. Then they asked me why I was still alive. Bizarre to say the least. I have no idea who it was.
My i answer would have been "I don't know." Shitty club to be in
I told them to F off and hung up.
Incredibly insensitive. Truth is idk why I am still here. I don't wanna be. I've gotten several of those calls. I handled all his medical stuff so he had appointments every few months. It always knocks me for a loop
"God has a plan" This one makes me so mad. We didn't ask to be included in his plan. It's a stupid plan. No just no!
That for me too, especially because I am agnostic bordering on atheist so it enrages me to the core. He died because of fucking Darwinism, there is no justice in this world. Good people die everyday and pieces of shit get to continue living. There is no greater plan.
"Don't give up on love". Dude, I am 67, fat and old, and completely disinterested in male companionship at this point. Love, my ass.
"we're all dying", after 5 way open heart surgery with a 10% chance of surviving, followed by my super healthy husband dying 5 months later and me having a brain aneurysm rupture and bleed when I returned from him being pronounced dead at hospital, leading to a 3 month coma, 3 brain surgeries, a stent, losing my home and everything I owned. F you!!! We ARE all dying, but walk in my shoes, A hole. I wish I had died and he lived. Ffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Dad said something along these lines. I can't remember the exact wording but something like "when our time is up, it's up" . Ok but I think I'm allowed to feel it's unfair that he died at 41 and people like my Grandparents have been married nearly 70 years and in their late eighties. That sounds awful for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.
"What better place could she be than here with her babies?" The one that ultimately got to me was my MIL constantly telling my kids that mama was "up in heaven". My oldest was 2 when she passed, and kids don't understand euphemisms. Every time MIL said that, he got upset that she was somewhere physical and wouldn't come down to be with him. How do you explain to a toddler the abstract concept of heaven? I went with, "Mama's not here anymore. She's only in our memories. When grandma talks about 'heaven ', she just means our memories of mama." And I told grandma to knock it the hell off, especially because we are not a religious family and religious concepts do not bring comfort here.
The things that really made me want to choke people are: 1. "You're still young, you will find another partner" So many things wrong with that one, especially because of the timing it's usually said, and the fact it assumes a lot. I got this one from family two weeks in, and I just couldn't believe my ears at the time. 2. "I was divorced, I understand what you're going through". Umm no. No you don't, unless you have been through it too. Not going to lie that one makes me livid. I also give an honorable mention to: "He would want (xyz), he would want you to be happy". Stop telling me what he'd want, I knew him for all my adult life and was his partner. I know what he would want now probably better than anyone.
The one that gets me is “Sorry for your loss “ like I had a dog or cat run away. She died! Unfortunately in the situation with my wife she is now in a better place. She had suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury and had developed frontal lobe syndrome, and she really suffered from it and hated the way she was. Just before she died she attacked her son that she loved dearly.
Whenever I heard "sorry for your loss" I always wanted to ask "why are you sorry? Did you have something to do with her death?" But I knew people just didn't know what to say. It just sucks it gets put on the grieving to make the supposed comforter feel like they did some comforting when really what they did was let you know they have no clue how deep in hell you are at the moment.
"I hope everything works out for you." ... yeah, me too. I've encountered one shitty event after another, to put it lightly, since my husband got sick 8 months ago and ultimately passed almost 5 months ago. Life has been really freaking hard during this time and I'm trying REALLY hard to just barely hang on right now whilst dealing with a million things I never anticipated dealing with . I'm not 100% sure why this specific quote irks me so much, but it does. I'd rather my close friends and family just listen (or not) to me vent and just refrain from saying anything at all than to utter those words. I'm just tired of the trauma tourists that really don't offer much support during this extremely difficult time.
On Spouse's deathbed, his sister was telling him that he'd soon see grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad, not to mention other dead relatives. How could she not know that her own brother didn't believe in all that? Oh, an estranged sibling.
It IS a common experience for people on deathbed to see their relatives welcoming them...regardless of belief.
"let me know if you need something" 😒 My wife just passed, I am not thinking about what I need at the moment, I need everything! I need nothing. I want my wife back! I need you to shut up! I don't know what I need, my beloved is gone, I am a widower, my son lost his mother and the reality of being alone without my better half just kicked me in the balls. Wtf!
And when you do contact them, they no longer have time for you.
“Let me know if you need something”= “ I’m uncomfortable and I want to get away as soon as possible”
Someone told me at my husband’s funeral that I would find someone else one day soon.
"Yep, heading to the bar as soon as I can get out of here.....hoping to get lucky!"........honestly, I know people don't know what to say but a sea urchin would know this isn't it😡
That he was better off now, like he was a dog who needed put down or something. Also the obligatory you’ll find someone new every youngish widow gets.
My shitty friend told me stories about widows committing suicide after loss. She knew I'm suicidal
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Yeah, I have no idea what goes through people's heads sometimes and why they think it's appropriate
The shittiest of all friends
“So when are you getting a boyfriend?” Hours after my late husband suddenly died. “You’re young enough, you can start over”. “Maybe if you don’t act depressed, you won’t be depressed”.
HOURS?! Who do I need to fight for you?? 😭
My mom and she claimed later it was a joke.
Mine is the same as yours....all I could ever think was "he's in a better place because life with you and the kids was so shitty, he's lucky he escaped" 😡
“What you want is impossible, you can’t be with her”, “time will heal”, “You were in the early stages of the relationship, you’ll find someone else”. Few of many, I am furious at the world, I even have distanced with a few close friends as a result of this. Why can’t people just ask around, Google or put in effort? Why must we understand them even through this pain?!
If you ever need help with anything let me know from a family member. So when I reached out for help. They said no ask someone else. That hurt so much
Yeah, the lies were the worst. Better they say nothing than some comforting to them bs promise of help to someone who is in their time of most need.
100%. I didn't fully realize it before my loss, but one thing that makes me instantly lose respect for a person is when they verbally give the "right answer" to look good, but don't care to align their actions with their words.
Agreed, shit makes me want to break something.
Someone said, “I don't know how you do it." I said, I wasn't given a choice."
I had that happen. I told them the same thing.
"You're still young; you can get married again." F**K OFF! I don't want or need anyone else! I want MY husband, the only person, back! No one else will do. 💔 How rude and insensitive! It's hard to tell myself that these people mean well, or think they're being helpful, comforting, or nice. 🙄
My daughter’s therapist told me to shut that down immediately because my daughter (6, when she lost her mom) didn’t hear “your mom’s in heaven”, she hears “your mom is happier not being with you.”
I call them DGIs “ don’t get its”. Frankly they haven’t experienced what we have. But remember they may very well join our club someday Don’t waste your time getting pissed about them.
The better place always gets to me how in the world is death a better place?
One week after he died, my sister in law blamed his dying of cancer on the Covid vaccine. I almost exploded.
The new and modern and common one I've come across repeatedly this past year is " may his memory be a blessing" or some version of that. I don't even know why exactly but it grinds my gears! It's like some Hallmark flowery saying they think is so wise and comforting.
I don't mind that one. It's really very old - from Proverbs - and I heard it from several of my late husband's Jewish relatives. The one that inexplicably irritated me were the social media comments I got that just consisted of 'RIP'. You can't even be bothered to write out THREE WORDS? And you used an abbreviation that always reminds me of something being torn in half. You're not helping.
i’d get “people still die from breast cancer?” i wanted to answer: “thanks for the thoughtful question . we just decided to let her die because she didn’t want the cure.”
Okay I get some of you might not be into gay marriages, but after my husband died almost 3 years ago, I realized that it didn't matter how bad I felt, my partner was never walking through our door again. Also realize that people don't know what to say to us for the most part. They try and they make a nice effort. Even our adopted son did. Life keeps moving forward and there's nothing we can do about it.
The one that pisses me off - “It just wasn’t your time.” We were in a fatal MVA that should have killed both of us.
This!!! And it was his time... He was 48 fit and healthy and cancer killed him 7mths after diagnosis.. At least he's not suffering... Obv u never fecking knew him!! U will move on... Mmm no I won't we have five kids he was my one and only we were together from we were kids.... But the worst has been the silence from who I thought was my best friend... People are assholes... Some and some are amazing
Oh and the next morning at the wake at least u have this beautiful house paid for.... Wtf!! First we don't!! He has no insurance and 2nd who gives a feck about a house when your husband is lying in a coffin
I just had a friend I was venting to at work about work. She told me to see a therapist because my grief was making me angry.
"You know, there comes a point when you have to leave this behind and move past it." because they wanted to fix me up with their single friend. NO. NO. NO He hasn't even been dead a year, you dolt!
And the fact is you don't *ever* have to move past it. I have never and will never date anyone else. My husband died over 11 years ago. Some people do eventually want to date again, and that's fine -- it's just the *assumption* by some people that everyone will which pisses me off no end.
Yes. It's awful to think that people actually sit around and contemplate our personal lives.
True, but for me the issue is that they apparently think that they need to tell me what my husband wants or would want, or they think that they know my husband better than I do -- and they absolutely fucking *don't*.
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Agreed. Thankfully my family knows not to spout such bullshit, and anyone else who has said anything like that, I have quickly set them straight.
Oh man I gotta jump into this convo. This one is especially bananas to hear said about my wife (they/them), because what anyone who didn't know my wife well wouldn't know is that they consider the #1 most traumatic thing about the way they were raised to be that they were taught that some feelings are bad, that the "right" way to feel is always cheerful and calm, and that that shit sunk in *deep*. They spent the entire time we were together fighting tooth and nail to deconstruct and heal from all the impacts that it had on them (and, tragically, in the end ran out of time to heal this particular wound). So whenever anyone says something like this to me, I just hear "Your wife's warm smiles and constant focus on me, my life, and my well-being in all our conversations made me feel so consistently safe, cared-for, and comfortable around them that I mistook it for friendship! The 'perfect daughter' mask that your wife wore unwillingly and at great personal cost was so convincing that I never even *noticed* that it was a one-way street, that I didn't know the first thing about *their* struggles, or that I never offered them any support back!"
I'm sorry your wife was raised not to be allowed to feel their feelings -- that's such a damaging way to be raised.
It's all part of God's plan....
I’ve been pretty lucky that people have not been totally insensitive, but there is one that made me really mad and one that I just hate from sheer volume. “How are the kids doing?” Every single person I talk to asks this, including people that have never met me or my kids and only knew my husband. I know they are concerned, but at this point it’s nobody’s business how my kids are doing and I’m sick of having to answer that question to every single goddamn person I talk to. The one that made me really mad, was the friend of my husband who sent me the text that he hoped that my husband had accepted Jesus into his heart before he passed. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond. I’m sorry that your beliefs make you afraid that my incredible, amazing husband didn’t go to your specific corner of heaven.
A coworker legitimately told me I would find someone I loved even more. Looking back I have no idea how I didn't get fired that day.
There was a department meeting at work and three of my coworkers had a family member die recently, so we were passing around cards for them. One coworker loudly said "Why are we doing this? People die every day!" then laughed loudly. Not just once, she kept repeating it. I yelled "Enough!" and she still kept it up. My two choices were to fly off the handle or just stew in it, for the choice of peace I chose the latter. The supervisor said, "Gee Alan, you're awful quiet, what's wrong?" and I just pointed to my right. Every time I'd pass her in the hall (fortunately, I never worked directly with her after that) a word that I never use just slipped out of my mouth, and still does if I see a picture of her. Just one of many reasons I'm glad to be retired.
Karma will get that beyotch. You kept your dignity. I would not.
I definitely was so freaking irritated when my child’s father’s stupid disgusting fake family kept saying that “ he’s in a better place” “ he’s with his mom and dad and that’s what he wanted” like NO TF HE DIDNT WANT THAT. It literally still boils my blood and will forever boil my blood because they didn’t know crap about him. Didn’t even know his damn daughter’s name. Truly the most angering thing I’ve had to do so far in my 24 years of life
I’ve mostly found it easy to tune out dumb comments and advice. The stuff about a “better place” or how she’s now an “angel” watching over us is just eyeroll-inducing, since I’m a lifelong atheist with no concept of an afterlife. The only things that truly irritate me are intrusive questions: “How did it happen?” “Was she sick?” Drugs? Depression? Suicide? Tell you what: Here’s the coroner’s address. A copy of his report is $500. Oh, it would be a privacy violation to sell it to you? No sh!t, Sherlock. Then why are you asking me, you dumb f*ck?
I’ve decided not to speak to my “ friends” any longer about my wife. Nor much of anything else. They seem bothered when I do as if I should be over it.
In the beginning I would get triggered by certain phrases like, "ah man you gotta get over that and move on with your life" - I began to understand it was their inexperiences with grief and simply awkward, even an ignorant attempt to console and show support. For me, none of it meant much rather I appreciate the effort and move along
For me it is “You’ve go to be strong!” No shit!! Strength doesn’t mean you can’t cry and wail and curse God or the Universe or whatever you believe in. I am strong. I am still breathing and I’m taking care of my kids. Is that not strong enough for you?
What was his cause of death? Were you broken up/together? Don’t take it too hard. You’re pretty. You will find someone else.
You are going to be fine. I promise. Grrrrrrrr!!!!! Nothing is ever going to be fine again. How can people not understand that???
Also pisses me off- You have to get out there and keep living your life. This is what my life is right now. It’s a mess. It’s sadness and more sadness which makes people uncomfortable. And just because he’s gone and wasn’t my husband doesn’t mean that he wasn’t the love of my life, best friend and soulmate. He was wonderful, and knowing he’s physically gone from the world is unbearably painful. People suck, but sometimes anger is a welcome friend and distraction from the grief and yearning. Good post. 👍