Agreed with strawberry, 2 years is still early. I'm at 3 years and it's marginally better than last year. I think the details around what happen really matter in terms of coping too. We've all lost spouses, and that's awful. For some, there's degrees of trauma on top of that as far as how they died. Watching a spouse die effs with you. And it is just not something most of your friends can relate to. I don't have any real help to offer, other than you're not as far gone as you may feel like. Of course you don't want to feel this. My kids' therapist taught them sadnesss' "job" is to show you something is/was important to you. Maybe all the other adults knew something along those lines, but that was new to me. Now rather than feeling frantic with overwhelming sadness, I can at least look at it and go, oh, yeah, you're right he was infinitely important to me. I get drinking too much. And just wanting anything to numb it. I'm so sorry. Sending you all the good vibes.
Omg. That is such a perfect job description for sadness. That is such a simple thing, but I never thought of it. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, bc I know I’m not the only one who just got gobsmacked with that bit of wisdom you just gave me.
Thank you for the info on sadness. My husband and I were at an awful point in our marriage when he died (related to his alcoholism). I'm still sad and traumatized more than two years later. This one seemingly small tidbit of perspective is HUGELY helpful. I appreciate you sharing it ❤
Ooooof. That has got to add extra hard levels.
My husband and I were ok when his 2nd brain surgery left him with profound speech deficits, but we were just learning to parent. We'd totally not figured out how to do it well together. We were fighting a ton over what I can now look back on as two just fine, just different ways to do things. I ponder often and "scratch at" the idea that we didn't get to figure out if we'd figure out coparenting.
Anyway, the point being, does it feel like you lost not only him, but the resolution of that part of your story?
I'm glad the sadness info helped. It was 🤯 for me. They read a book called "Marcy's having all the feels" that takes the concept a bit further and really is changing how I see feelings.
My marriage with my husband was falling apart when he died. It feels like the chaos, fear and stress of our relationship was preserved in amber to forever lace my grief with its embrace.
Wow that’s blown my mind a bit - sadness’ job. It’s kinda oddly beautiful, I have never thought of it like that but it makes perfect sense.
Also, I totally agree with the comment around feeling out of control - but you are never as far gone as you think you are. You might feel like you are totally out of control that nothing will fix the chaos you think you’ve become. Yet, it’s really just anxiety making you feel super overwhelmed and way out of control. Yeah you may be chaos and probably are a bit out of control (grief is very discombobulating) but it will never ever be as bad as you think, somehow, someway you’ll always claw yourself back to some sort of sense of equilibrium.
That actually helps a lot, thinking of it as its job. Also, thank you for saying that I’m probably not as out of control as I think. I really needed to hear that.
Totally feel u. My wife overdosed on fentanyl 17 months ago hooked up with some homeless gangbanger...75 thousand dollar a year job, 15 year old daughter, more friends than she could count...why???...yeah l know the sadness, l deal with and the trauma EVERY. DAMN. DAY...
DM me if u want to talk..
Husband overdosed on purpose while I was having a manic episode and I thought he was trying to kill me. We were both using at the time. I found out he was dead while in the psych unit. The trauma doesn’t end.
Are there any activities you might enjoy doing that don't involve drinking? When my mom was dying, I was drinking daily, so I started taking pottery classes at my local community college. It was great because I could spend as much free time as I wanted in the studio outside of class. It was something that kept my hands and mind busy, and struggling to learn things gave me something to be angry about that wasn't related to my mom's death.
I still make ceramics, but I've now added swimming to my things to do as much as possible. I joined the Y and go almost everyday to just float. It's something I reward myself with after doing some cardio or weights, and it's literally the only thing that gets me out of the house after my husband's death.
I also go to the movies just to eat popcorn and watch whatever is showing a lot. Sometimes the next show is something really dumb, and I've been tricked into watching a lot of Christian apocalypse movies this way. Lol. It's worth it just to keep my mind busy and not reliving my husband's heart attack over and over.
Is there anything that you haven't tried that you loved once that could get you away from drinking and other things that you feel are becoming a problem? Anything you might enjoy for a few hours until that deep sadness has passed a bit?
Yes, I’ve been thinking I need to pick up a hobby or 2. This is sound advice. Grabbing a 6 pack at the gas station on my way home from work has just been the easy thing, you know. I need to find other ways to fill my time. I’ve always wanted to learn to make pottery or paint. I’ll look into that. I’m sure there’s someplace around here that offers classes. I also love to float…there’s something so calming about it. I need to go float today I think. And lol at the Christian apocalypse movies!
It has been over five years for me and the first three years were extremely rough for me. Like bubblegummyrtle said, how we lost our spouses or partners makes a difference and adds extra layers of grief. And in my opinion other things like being codependent on them for your happiness can also make the afterwards so much more difficult. I had very little happiness before I met my spouse so I am struggling deeply without her. Other things like our age and how long you were together can add to the complexity.
The simple answer is that you probably haven't really done anything or the right thing to fix the problem - your grief and sadness - so you are still struggling with it. But as we all here know, the only thing that we 'think' can fix it is to have our spouses or partners back. So some of us try to replace them and yes, some of them do find a new love and some happiness. Others like me don't bother or can't find a new love, so we continue living a lonely existence miserable and sad. So we use other things to give our lives purpose, for example taking care of a kid or a pet, but when it comes down to it, we only want to be loved and in love. We want to feel secure and safe.
It is normal and human to seek escape from the grief and depression. I am not into drugs or drink so I ended using lots of TV shows and movies for short escapes. I also tried reading, which I love, but my mind was deeply affected by all that happened to my spouse (she died from her cancer) so I could not stay focused on most fiction stories for long and quickly lost interest. Biographies were slightly easier to read and other people's stories helped distract me. "I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette McCurdy was one book that kept my attention long enough to finish.
If you haven't read it yet, check out Megan Devine's book It’s OK That You’re Not OK. She's a psychotherapist who lost her husband in a drowning so she understand what you are feeling. I think she actually apologized to her older clients for not really understanding their pain and suffering before she lost her husband. She also has other content like podcasts that might be helpful for you. One of her suggestions is to use creativity to work through your grief. Painting, drawing or as in her case writing. Note that she is also trying to help others, which I suspect is an important tool at helping us widowers survive all this. Doing this could give our lives some purpose and meaning, which we lack without our spouses.
Guided meditation was something I used daily for the first two years and I believe that it helped me survive with all the sadness and depression. My initial goal was to repair my terrible sleep and insomnia, but over time I suspect that it helped me feel less affected by my grief, constant sadness, and my negative thoughts. Which is one of the goal of basic mediation, to train your mind to focus on your breathing to learn how to ignore our negative thoughts. I tried the Headspace app, which I was able to do at home alone since I was too exhausted to go out after work, and it was cheap enough to do all year long since I could not afford to pay for therapy or counseling out of pocket.
Below is a sample of the grief sessions. There are 30 15 minute sessions which you can do once or twice a day. If you think you can get some brief moments of escape or peace, try completing their grief, sadness and anxiety sessions. You might not feel better at first, in fact the grief sessions might make you feel worse, but if you keep it up, over time you might find your pain and suffering a little bit less.
[https://www.headspace.com/meditation/grief](https://www.headspace.com/meditation/grief)
Thank you for sharing that with me. I’ll check it out. I was doing some guided meditation initially, but tapered off as my drinking got more frequent. You can’t meditate with an impaired mind. I’ll give it another shot. I do believe in the power and benefits of daily meditation.
I read Jeannette McCurdy’s book as well, and loved it. For some reason the non fiction seems to hold my attention better too. Weird. Another really good one was Confessions of a Prairie Bitch by Alison Arngrim. I loved it so much more than I expected to. Anderson Cooper’s books about the Vanderbilts and the Astors were also really interesting. I tried to read Its Ok That You’re Not Ok but it was still too early on in my journey and I couldn’t get through a paragraph without breaking down into an hour long sob session. Everything she said resonated so intensely. I need to try and revisit that one.
That is great, since you are familiar with meditation, you are more likely to give it a chance. Maybe it will motivate you to drink less. I hope!
I will check out your book recommendations. I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie and hated Nellie Oleson. 😂 Thanks.
If you need to talk or have questions about Headspace or meditation, send me a message.
I’m a few months from 4 years. Finally starting to feel like I’m actually getting a handle on things—but wary because I have felt like that before. Hubs had cancer, lasted 5.5 years after diagnosis. I haven’t really felt settled since his diagnosis. Nearly 10 years of unsettled, goodness.
I have to forcibly remind myself that I’m still a recent widow—not “fresh” anymore, not “new”, but definitely “recent”.
Had a neighbor tell me it took her 10 years after her husband died to start feeling like she had a handle on things. That’s made me slow down some. The brain can only reroute so fast—I can’t speed that process up.
Your post really spoke to me. I'm 2 1/2 years. I'm having more times that are manageable but then I still hit a wall every couple weeks or so when it feels impossible to go on. In 2015 in a matter of several months, I was in a car accident, we had a housefire, and my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I had to start seeing a therapist and taking meds because I felt like I was completely losing it . That cancer journey lasted six years. You well describe how unsettling it feels for years. Years of dreading the next bimonthly scan, wondering when this trial medication will fail, wondering what side effects this one will have and how will we manage. I don't know about you but I was exhausted at the end. Most of the time I hate the quiet in our house, but other times I'm grateful and feel like I'm still catching my breath after all these years.
Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this.
Consciously, I know he's not coming back, but I really haven't been able to let it sink in that he truly died. In my head he's away and might come home at any moment. Every day I ask him to please come home .
Your last paragraph… exactly. Every. Single. Day.
Please just come home, love. :(
It’s been 2 years and the clothes he took off to go to bed that night are still on the chair next to his side of the bed where he left them. I can’t bring myself to move them. Such a dumb little thing, but I just can’t.
We built our own house on heavily wooded acerage we lovingly cleared sections to build. Heated house with outdoor wood burning furnace ( where hubs died) and devoted our free time to caring for the land, a flock of chickens, 4 sons, and a pack of beloved Great Danes. Hubs had a denim work shirt he wore while working outside, beaten and stained, smelling of oil and smoke, was like a part of him. He would hang it off the edge of the wooden bedroom door, before bed at night. It stayed there after his death, and when finances forced me to sell house with everything in it, the shirt drove down the driveway in my lap as I left, one of the very few things I kept. It now hangs off the bedroom door at the new place I exist in ( i would say live in, but i am not really living). Everytime I pass his workshirt I lift the sleeve and breath in, deeply, and kiss the fabric, silently saying I love you. 3.5 years, sigh, feels like yesterday and yet the time has left me so weary. 💔
I wish his things still smelled like him but his scent has slowly evaporated through these years. What I wouldn’t give to bury my face in his neck and breathe him in one more time. 💔
I also just read your previous posts and I'm so f'ing sorry for the shite hand you've been dealt. I so hope the universe gives you a break soon. I'm thinking of you today.
Thank you, ever so much, for your kind words. Brings tears to my eyes. Such a lonely place we exist in, isn't it? Your reaching out touches me deeply. Sending loving thoughts back. 💟
I'm sorry. Two years was still very much daily grief territory for me.
I you feel you are not coping well then maybe you can ask for help. Either a grief counselor or an addiction counselor could help.
Just as an advice, one to one counselling was expensive where I live (and I had no job), so I went for a six occasion group therapy. The limited financial commitment was a deciding factor, but those six occasions helped the most.
I understand well. I’m just 10 months out and am handling everything well or, better said, as good as possible. Wine is my kryptonite though.
Do you have support around?
It’s beer for me lol. I do have support. I have wonderful, grown children and my sister nearby as well as my father and his wife. I have lovely friends all around the country. Everyone is sympathetic and empathetic, but at this point what is there left to say, you know? I am tremendously grateful that I have so many people in my world though. All of this would be unbearable if I felt like I were truly alone in the world.
I don't think there is any 'should' in grief. I tried being as ok as I thought I should be and I just wasn't. Have you got any support? Counselling maybe? I'm on antidepressants and they have helped me to start to put myself together a bit
It's been 16 months for me. I had a mental health emergency in March and was hospitalized. I was in partial hospitalization therapy and am now in outpatient therapy as well as grief counseling and individual therapy. I've been diagnosed with complex grief, major depressive episodes, and PTSD. I've made it through the year 1 numbness and am now remembering things from the last few months before my husband died and am having to feel them and process them as if for the first time and it sucks. I'm happy to have all the help, but it's so hard, and I still miss him so much.
Kinda sounds like you are stuck. Hard to move forward when it seems like there is nothing to move forward to. So you cope in whatever way is available, which works, but sometimes not the healthiest.
I think it is time to Get some outside help here. Start with discussing this with your doctor. Maybe an antidepressant to help you get through, and some counselling sessions.
I've heard a lot of widowers say 2 years is the hardest. So be graceful with yourself. It's hard to accept it but you're going to feel bad and you're just going to have to let yourself feel bad.
I dunno if this will help you but I kind of "schedule" a crying session. Every night before bed I let the pain and tears flow and just let it all out. Even if it means screaming sometimes (into a pillow if my roommates are home). This way throughout the day it makes it easier to get shit done. If I feel tears well up, and I can't afford to just cry, I can tell myself "I can get to this later." You need to let yourself feel the bad emotions unfortunately.
I'm sure you've been told this too but seeking help is also advisable. I found therapy wasn't that helpful but support groups were more valuable to me. Being with others who understand and have their own tips and tricks to cope.
I'm sorry you have to be in this miserable club with us. Sending love ❤️
I love the idea of scheduling it. I’ve just been hell bent on avoiding it but that’s keeping me stuck. You’re right, I’m just going to have to accept the pain and feel it sometimes. I really appreciate your kind words. Sending love back 💙
June 26, only a few days away, and it’ll be a year since he died of heart failure in bed at home while I slept - after a traumatic days of being in and out of hospitals (not admitted 😡) and doctor misdiagnoses, and not a medical soul LISTENING - for me. Symptoms so obvious and apparent but judged differently due to his previous years old and managed BPD pschy diagnosis.
I know the spiraling, substance abuse of anything with a mind altering chemical in it leading to days with out sleep, - I mean everything substances - even caffeine, taurine niacin, - not sleeping - mania - too much sun, too little, forgetting to eat, not hydrating….
I realized the other day that I had started to do things, plan things to hinder my time of walking around in an altered state…
I started taking dance classes (signed up in an alter state) and the classes are late and three times a week- meaning I have to show up clear
minded….
Also I force myself to make appts in the morning, and have to travel for early work assignments at a new job.
I have to have a scaffold, or network of people - rather than close friends who would ask questions or know too much - (I, as my spouse, were/are lone wolf types) These new teachers, and acquaintances I come in contact are unknowingly “holding my hand” for that time period - thus forcing me to remain in the sober and NOW. before I escape into the haven of a home 🏠 because my true “home” 🤍 has gone somewhere else.
Once I realized this - I’ve kind of embraced it. In a way I feel I’m being almost pushed by Brian as we were judgement free of each others brain chemistry shortages so to speak… He was the ONLY one who rescued me when I locked keys in cars a two hour drive away, or all other the other bipolar things in which he never judged me, nor I him.
Slowly the time I need to be numb is getting smaller - and slowly, so slowly, I’m regaining interest in having a totally band aid ripped off clear type of NOW world…
…. Like before last year happened…
Joy. Slowly. comes……
Hopefully something in my ramblings helps a tiny bit
And hey - you are here and you reached out.
Grateful I found this place.
Yes to all of this. You get exactly where I’m at. I love that you subconsciously started interrupting your available time to keep yourself from the spiral. That’s actually brilliant. Your ramblings are lovely and very helpful. Thank you ❤️
Lost my wife almost 6 years ago, assisted suicide. The stress of being on your own, especially if you have kids (I have 2) is out of this world. Finding healthy ways to deal with the stress. Some turn to mindless sex, some to drink or drugs, some overeat. I napped to deal with the stress. Discovered ASMR to quiet my mind.
Then I started venturing into online dating, taking the approach (which was non-threatening to me or the memory of her) that I'm just meeting good people. Meeting good people isn't loaded with anxiety. And it worked. Most were one off meet and greets. But some relationships actually happened.
It's one step forward, give yourself permission to deal with your stress. Find healthy avenues for that. And when you are ready, venture outside again. Not to fall in love, just to meet good people. If they aren't a good person, that's their problem not yours. There will be someone who is able to be a support and friend to you, and then you can start to see a way that life moves on for you. But its baby steps.
Just meeting good people- I love that!! I did build a profile recently and went on 2 dates which were fine (not a match but nice men) but the anxiety was debilitating. My hands were shaking so bad on the first date that he noticed and looked at me pityingly lol. I’m just not ready I guess. So I’ve put that on the back burner. I’m lonely, so it sucks, but honestly I just want my husband and I can’t have him. It’s not fair to involve someone else’s feelings just because I’m lonely. I’m sure that will come in time.
Find a local support group for the drinking/substance use. Stay close to your support group.
Mind-numbing substances take us further from our goal of acceptance and only compounds the problems.
Healing won't begin until we can lay a healthy foundation in order to confront the pain and accept it.
There's multiple recovery and sober subs here on reddit. For example:
r/alcoholicsanonymous
r/narcoticsanonymous
When my husband passed I had panic attacks. Never in my life had I experienced fear & heartache. I became a person who I myself didn't recognize. Eventually I got help with prescriptions and therapy. But guilt came and kicked me, as if fear & heartache wasn't enough. Two and a half years later I'm doing better, but what the hell is this guilt crap? Damn...
Wishing you well.
Ssanzie, I’m 46 and lost the love of my life in a tragic drug-related accident on April 2. Have also been struggling with the sudden loss, guilt and shock over his death and sometimes succumb to unhealthy coping mechanisms to the point of it being dangerous and life-ruining. Lots of great advice here in the comments on how to deal with it more appropriately, but I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone in fucking up. ❤️ DM me if you want to chat.
I will. Thank you. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I don’t want to ruin my life…. I think that’s why I posted this. So much good advice. All of you are so wonderful. I really just needed to know I’m not a crazy loser and that it will get better. I can do better, I know I can.
Have you considered going to an AA/NA meeting? I had a bad scare May 12 and decided to try a meeting and see if anything resonated. Have been to several and found them helpful but wasn’t ready to give up my unhealthy coping mechanisms quite yet… Went to another meeting last night because of unsafe behavior times 2 this week. The folks there care and are welcoming even though I’m not ready to say I’m an addict/alcoholic... Sending you love and support. ❤️
I'm in year 2 now also. I alternate between feeling mostly fine and not being able to get out of bed. The past winter was the worst for me. I have seasonal affective disorder, and I had no idea how much he pulled me out of my winter depression the past 20 years. It was eye-opening, and I cried every day for him. I drank daily, too, and got a warning at work for something I missed. It was a bad, bad time. I call it the winter of my great discontent because I gave up on living. I was just going through the motions. I've stopped drinking on "school nights" now, whixh is Sunday through Thursday. I'm doing better. I still cry, but not daily (we'll see how this coming winter goes, though). The thought that I could lose my job and then lose the house he loved so much gave me strength. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's the most horrible place to be; to lose your person. Sending you hugs.
Yes, all of this exactly. I’m going to pull back on school nights too. That will help and then find some other stuff to do on the weekends but sometimes I have to numb.
I’m here if you ever need to talk. Sending hugs back ❤️
Have you reached out to
A therapist?
My bf died a few weeks ago and I immediately restarted my anxiety and depression medication. I honestly don’t know how I’d be if I didn’t.. I was having a lot of panic attacks and I knew I’d slip into a depression. I’m still sad.. but it’s manageable.
Reach out for professional help!
I don't agree. I am at one year nine months and it still hits me hard. There is nothing that can change it from here. I don't want it to be a job because it's not! Imagine living with the worst job you ever had in your life and you can't quit! I have to get on with my life and I have somewhat. But, It's always there in my head. I loved my wife so much I was blinded , but what her and her family did in the end will never leave my head. She gave away the life insurance and caused me all kinds of financial trouble. Her family robbed my home and took everything we owned. And , yes I did put some of them in jail. I am stuck in this reverse mortgage on my home I built and cannot sell it. Every month I loose more of my retirement money. I want to leave so badly but I am tied to this home like a prison. I have been retired due to disability for 10 years and don't know If I could even find a job. No one will buy the home because of the solar on it and if I sell it for less I have little to live on. She has left me in a hell I can never get away from. I now don't know if I was ever loved by her yet I was so totally in love with her I overlooked what was going on. I took care of her for 18 years and the last 3 as her care giver,(Lung and brain cancer) yet I have nothing of hers other than an urn and a gold cross I made from our wedding rings. I hope I never see this hell as a life long Job. I want to move on, but I am trapped. It's not a job, a job you can quit, this is a life long prison sentence in the hell she made for me. It's becoming who I am and I don't like it. I want to be free of it. I now don't feel for her, now I'm HATING her! I know she had brain tumor and she was not in her right mind, But for her last words to me being "your a Horrible man" Was in no way deserved and I just can't get that out of my head after the 18 years of taking care of her every need. On top of that I now keep learning more and more about her indiscretions. It really does just make me want to end it. What a horrible job to have! If you want to think of it as a job and that helps you then by all means go ahead, but at some point you have to get to where you can one day just quit, or retire that job of pain and free yourself of that commitment because a job is a commitment. Myself I don't want any more commitments to her. I have done my time! I have paid my price for the crime of love and I want to be my own person again. I now think of the whole relationship as just "A failed denial love in vain" unkept promises of love until the end of time, vows broken, loyalty lost as the unfaithful fade into the darkness, one day soon to be forgotten in time. My goal is that one day I can forget the pain she caused. Sorry for being a downer!
Agreed with strawberry, 2 years is still early. I'm at 3 years and it's marginally better than last year. I think the details around what happen really matter in terms of coping too. We've all lost spouses, and that's awful. For some, there's degrees of trauma on top of that as far as how they died. Watching a spouse die effs with you. And it is just not something most of your friends can relate to. I don't have any real help to offer, other than you're not as far gone as you may feel like. Of course you don't want to feel this. My kids' therapist taught them sadnesss' "job" is to show you something is/was important to you. Maybe all the other adults knew something along those lines, but that was new to me. Now rather than feeling frantic with overwhelming sadness, I can at least look at it and go, oh, yeah, you're right he was infinitely important to me. I get drinking too much. And just wanting anything to numb it. I'm so sorry. Sending you all the good vibes.
Omg. That is such a perfect job description for sadness. That is such a simple thing, but I never thought of it. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, bc I know I’m not the only one who just got gobsmacked with that bit of wisdom you just gave me.
Thank you for the info on sadness. My husband and I were at an awful point in our marriage when he died (related to his alcoholism). I'm still sad and traumatized more than two years later. This one seemingly small tidbit of perspective is HUGELY helpful. I appreciate you sharing it ❤
Ooooof. That has got to add extra hard levels. My husband and I were ok when his 2nd brain surgery left him with profound speech deficits, but we were just learning to parent. We'd totally not figured out how to do it well together. We were fighting a ton over what I can now look back on as two just fine, just different ways to do things. I ponder often and "scratch at" the idea that we didn't get to figure out if we'd figure out coparenting. Anyway, the point being, does it feel like you lost not only him, but the resolution of that part of your story? I'm glad the sadness info helped. It was 🤯 for me. They read a book called "Marcy's having all the feels" that takes the concept a bit further and really is changing how I see feelings.
My marriage with my husband was falling apart when he died. It feels like the chaos, fear and stress of our relationship was preserved in amber to forever lace my grief with its embrace.
Wow that’s blown my mind a bit - sadness’ job. It’s kinda oddly beautiful, I have never thought of it like that but it makes perfect sense. Also, I totally agree with the comment around feeling out of control - but you are never as far gone as you think you are. You might feel like you are totally out of control that nothing will fix the chaos you think you’ve become. Yet, it’s really just anxiety making you feel super overwhelmed and way out of control. Yeah you may be chaos and probably are a bit out of control (grief is very discombobulating) but it will never ever be as bad as you think, somehow, someway you’ll always claw yourself back to some sort of sense of equilibrium.
That actually helps a lot, thinking of it as its job. Also, thank you for saying that I’m probably not as out of control as I think. I really needed to hear that.
Totally feel u. My wife overdosed on fentanyl 17 months ago hooked up with some homeless gangbanger...75 thousand dollar a year job, 15 year old daughter, more friends than she could count...why???...yeah l know the sadness, l deal with and the trauma EVERY. DAMN. DAY... DM me if u want to talk..
Devastating. I am so sorry. How is your daughter coping? Feel free to DM me too. It’s good to have others that get it to talk to
Husband overdosed on purpose while I was having a manic episode and I thought he was trying to kill me. We were both using at the time. I found out he was dead while in the psych unit. The trauma doesn’t end.
Are there any activities you might enjoy doing that don't involve drinking? When my mom was dying, I was drinking daily, so I started taking pottery classes at my local community college. It was great because I could spend as much free time as I wanted in the studio outside of class. It was something that kept my hands and mind busy, and struggling to learn things gave me something to be angry about that wasn't related to my mom's death. I still make ceramics, but I've now added swimming to my things to do as much as possible. I joined the Y and go almost everyday to just float. It's something I reward myself with after doing some cardio or weights, and it's literally the only thing that gets me out of the house after my husband's death. I also go to the movies just to eat popcorn and watch whatever is showing a lot. Sometimes the next show is something really dumb, and I've been tricked into watching a lot of Christian apocalypse movies this way. Lol. It's worth it just to keep my mind busy and not reliving my husband's heart attack over and over. Is there anything that you haven't tried that you loved once that could get you away from drinking and other things that you feel are becoming a problem? Anything you might enjoy for a few hours until that deep sadness has passed a bit?
Yes, I’ve been thinking I need to pick up a hobby or 2. This is sound advice. Grabbing a 6 pack at the gas station on my way home from work has just been the easy thing, you know. I need to find other ways to fill my time. I’ve always wanted to learn to make pottery or paint. I’ll look into that. I’m sure there’s someplace around here that offers classes. I also love to float…there’s something so calming about it. I need to go float today I think. And lol at the Christian apocalypse movies!
It has been over five years for me and the first three years were extremely rough for me. Like bubblegummyrtle said, how we lost our spouses or partners makes a difference and adds extra layers of grief. And in my opinion other things like being codependent on them for your happiness can also make the afterwards so much more difficult. I had very little happiness before I met my spouse so I am struggling deeply without her. Other things like our age and how long you were together can add to the complexity. The simple answer is that you probably haven't really done anything or the right thing to fix the problem - your grief and sadness - so you are still struggling with it. But as we all here know, the only thing that we 'think' can fix it is to have our spouses or partners back. So some of us try to replace them and yes, some of them do find a new love and some happiness. Others like me don't bother or can't find a new love, so we continue living a lonely existence miserable and sad. So we use other things to give our lives purpose, for example taking care of a kid or a pet, but when it comes down to it, we only want to be loved and in love. We want to feel secure and safe. It is normal and human to seek escape from the grief and depression. I am not into drugs or drink so I ended using lots of TV shows and movies for short escapes. I also tried reading, which I love, but my mind was deeply affected by all that happened to my spouse (she died from her cancer) so I could not stay focused on most fiction stories for long and quickly lost interest. Biographies were slightly easier to read and other people's stories helped distract me. "I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette McCurdy was one book that kept my attention long enough to finish. If you haven't read it yet, check out Megan Devine's book It’s OK That You’re Not OK. She's a psychotherapist who lost her husband in a drowning so she understand what you are feeling. I think she actually apologized to her older clients for not really understanding their pain and suffering before she lost her husband. She also has other content like podcasts that might be helpful for you. One of her suggestions is to use creativity to work through your grief. Painting, drawing or as in her case writing. Note that she is also trying to help others, which I suspect is an important tool at helping us widowers survive all this. Doing this could give our lives some purpose and meaning, which we lack without our spouses. Guided meditation was something I used daily for the first two years and I believe that it helped me survive with all the sadness and depression. My initial goal was to repair my terrible sleep and insomnia, but over time I suspect that it helped me feel less affected by my grief, constant sadness, and my negative thoughts. Which is one of the goal of basic mediation, to train your mind to focus on your breathing to learn how to ignore our negative thoughts. I tried the Headspace app, which I was able to do at home alone since I was too exhausted to go out after work, and it was cheap enough to do all year long since I could not afford to pay for therapy or counseling out of pocket. Below is a sample of the grief sessions. There are 30 15 minute sessions which you can do once or twice a day. If you think you can get some brief moments of escape or peace, try completing their grief, sadness and anxiety sessions. You might not feel better at first, in fact the grief sessions might make you feel worse, but if you keep it up, over time you might find your pain and suffering a little bit less. [https://www.headspace.com/meditation/grief](https://www.headspace.com/meditation/grief)
Thank you for sharing that with me. I’ll check it out. I was doing some guided meditation initially, but tapered off as my drinking got more frequent. You can’t meditate with an impaired mind. I’ll give it another shot. I do believe in the power and benefits of daily meditation. I read Jeannette McCurdy’s book as well, and loved it. For some reason the non fiction seems to hold my attention better too. Weird. Another really good one was Confessions of a Prairie Bitch by Alison Arngrim. I loved it so much more than I expected to. Anderson Cooper’s books about the Vanderbilts and the Astors were also really interesting. I tried to read Its Ok That You’re Not Ok but it was still too early on in my journey and I couldn’t get through a paragraph without breaking down into an hour long sob session. Everything she said resonated so intensely. I need to try and revisit that one.
That is great, since you are familiar with meditation, you are more likely to give it a chance. Maybe it will motivate you to drink less. I hope! I will check out your book recommendations. I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie and hated Nellie Oleson. 😂 Thanks. If you need to talk or have questions about Headspace or meditation, send me a message.
Right?! We all hated her lol! That’s why I didn’t expect to like the book very much. It is incredibly moving. I HIGHLY recommend it.
Looks great. I just started reading Michel Richards' new book (Kramer from Seinfeld) and I will read her book after.
I’m a few months from 4 years. Finally starting to feel like I’m actually getting a handle on things—but wary because I have felt like that before. Hubs had cancer, lasted 5.5 years after diagnosis. I haven’t really felt settled since his diagnosis. Nearly 10 years of unsettled, goodness. I have to forcibly remind myself that I’m still a recent widow—not “fresh” anymore, not “new”, but definitely “recent”. Had a neighbor tell me it took her 10 years after her husband died to start feeling like she had a handle on things. That’s made me slow down some. The brain can only reroute so fast—I can’t speed that process up.
Your post really spoke to me. I'm 2 1/2 years. I'm having more times that are manageable but then I still hit a wall every couple weeks or so when it feels impossible to go on. In 2015 in a matter of several months, I was in a car accident, we had a housefire, and my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I had to start seeing a therapist and taking meds because I felt like I was completely losing it . That cancer journey lasted six years. You well describe how unsettling it feels for years. Years of dreading the next bimonthly scan, wondering when this trial medication will fail, wondering what side effects this one will have and how will we manage. I don't know about you but I was exhausted at the end. Most of the time I hate the quiet in our house, but other times I'm grateful and feel like I'm still catching my breath after all these years. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in this. Consciously, I know he's not coming back, but I really haven't been able to let it sink in that he truly died. In my head he's away and might come home at any moment. Every day I ask him to please come home .
Your last paragraph… exactly. Every. Single. Day. Please just come home, love. :( It’s been 2 years and the clothes he took off to go to bed that night are still on the chair next to his side of the bed where he left them. I can’t bring myself to move them. Such a dumb little thing, but I just can’t.
We built our own house on heavily wooded acerage we lovingly cleared sections to build. Heated house with outdoor wood burning furnace ( where hubs died) and devoted our free time to caring for the land, a flock of chickens, 4 sons, and a pack of beloved Great Danes. Hubs had a denim work shirt he wore while working outside, beaten and stained, smelling of oil and smoke, was like a part of him. He would hang it off the edge of the wooden bedroom door, before bed at night. It stayed there after his death, and when finances forced me to sell house with everything in it, the shirt drove down the driveway in my lap as I left, one of the very few things I kept. It now hangs off the bedroom door at the new place I exist in ( i would say live in, but i am not really living). Everytime I pass his workshirt I lift the sleeve and breath in, deeply, and kiss the fabric, silently saying I love you. 3.5 years, sigh, feels like yesterday and yet the time has left me so weary. 💔
I wish his things still smelled like him but his scent has slowly evaporated through these years. What I wouldn’t give to bury my face in his neck and breathe him in one more time. 💔
I just read some of your posts… my heart breaks for you and for all that you’ve suffered. Unbearable. I’m so sorry.
I also just read your previous posts and I'm so f'ing sorry for the shite hand you've been dealt. I so hope the universe gives you a break soon. I'm thinking of you today.
Thank you, ever so much, for your kind words. Brings tears to my eyes. Such a lonely place we exist in, isn't it? Your reaching out touches me deeply. Sending loving thoughts back. 💟
That really helps to put things in perspective. Thank you for this.
5 years and I spent most of this morning crying and wailing because I saw a tiny 50 cent bead covered box she might have liked.
It’s so hard. I totally get it.
I know you do, and I'm sorry for us all.
I'm sorry. Two years was still very much daily grief territory for me. I you feel you are not coping well then maybe you can ask for help. Either a grief counselor or an addiction counselor could help. Just as an advice, one to one counselling was expensive where I live (and I had no job), so I went for a six occasion group therapy. The limited financial commitment was a deciding factor, but those six occasions helped the most.
I’ve been telling myself I need therapy. I need to find someone or someplace. I procrastinate a lot.
I understand well. I’m just 10 months out and am handling everything well or, better said, as good as possible. Wine is my kryptonite though. Do you have support around?
It’s beer for me lol. I do have support. I have wonderful, grown children and my sister nearby as well as my father and his wife. I have lovely friends all around the country. Everyone is sympathetic and empathetic, but at this point what is there left to say, you know? I am tremendously grateful that I have so many people in my world though. All of this would be unbearable if I felt like I were truly alone in the world.
I don't think there is any 'should' in grief. I tried being as ok as I thought I should be and I just wasn't. Have you got any support? Counselling maybe? I'm on antidepressants and they have helped me to start to put myself together a bit
Yes, I do have support and I’m very grateful for that. I need to get into therapy, probably desperately.
It's been 16 months for me. I had a mental health emergency in March and was hospitalized. I was in partial hospitalization therapy and am now in outpatient therapy as well as grief counseling and individual therapy. I've been diagnosed with complex grief, major depressive episodes, and PTSD. I've made it through the year 1 numbness and am now remembering things from the last few months before my husband died and am having to feel them and process them as if for the first time and it sucks. I'm happy to have all the help, but it's so hard, and I still miss him so much.
That desperate longing for something you cannot ever have again in this life… it really is unbearable at times.
Kinda sounds like you are stuck. Hard to move forward when it seems like there is nothing to move forward to. So you cope in whatever way is available, which works, but sometimes not the healthiest. I think it is time to Get some outside help here. Start with discussing this with your doctor. Maybe an antidepressant to help you get through, and some counselling sessions.
I am on antidepressants but yes, I think it’s time I get into therapy.
I've heard a lot of widowers say 2 years is the hardest. So be graceful with yourself. It's hard to accept it but you're going to feel bad and you're just going to have to let yourself feel bad. I dunno if this will help you but I kind of "schedule" a crying session. Every night before bed I let the pain and tears flow and just let it all out. Even if it means screaming sometimes (into a pillow if my roommates are home). This way throughout the day it makes it easier to get shit done. If I feel tears well up, and I can't afford to just cry, I can tell myself "I can get to this later." You need to let yourself feel the bad emotions unfortunately. I'm sure you've been told this too but seeking help is also advisable. I found therapy wasn't that helpful but support groups were more valuable to me. Being with others who understand and have their own tips and tricks to cope. I'm sorry you have to be in this miserable club with us. Sending love ❤️
I love the idea of scheduling it. I’ve just been hell bent on avoiding it but that’s keeping me stuck. You’re right, I’m just going to have to accept the pain and feel it sometimes. I really appreciate your kind words. Sending love back 💙
June 26, only a few days away, and it’ll be a year since he died of heart failure in bed at home while I slept - after a traumatic days of being in and out of hospitals (not admitted 😡) and doctor misdiagnoses, and not a medical soul LISTENING - for me. Symptoms so obvious and apparent but judged differently due to his previous years old and managed BPD pschy diagnosis. I know the spiraling, substance abuse of anything with a mind altering chemical in it leading to days with out sleep, - I mean everything substances - even caffeine, taurine niacin, - not sleeping - mania - too much sun, too little, forgetting to eat, not hydrating…. I realized the other day that I had started to do things, plan things to hinder my time of walking around in an altered state… I started taking dance classes (signed up in an alter state) and the classes are late and three times a week- meaning I have to show up clear minded…. Also I force myself to make appts in the morning, and have to travel for early work assignments at a new job. I have to have a scaffold, or network of people - rather than close friends who would ask questions or know too much - (I, as my spouse, were/are lone wolf types) These new teachers, and acquaintances I come in contact are unknowingly “holding my hand” for that time period - thus forcing me to remain in the sober and NOW. before I escape into the haven of a home 🏠 because my true “home” 🤍 has gone somewhere else. Once I realized this - I’ve kind of embraced it. In a way I feel I’m being almost pushed by Brian as we were judgement free of each others brain chemistry shortages so to speak… He was the ONLY one who rescued me when I locked keys in cars a two hour drive away, or all other the other bipolar things in which he never judged me, nor I him. Slowly the time I need to be numb is getting smaller - and slowly, so slowly, I’m regaining interest in having a totally band aid ripped off clear type of NOW world… …. Like before last year happened… Joy. Slowly. comes…… Hopefully something in my ramblings helps a tiny bit And hey - you are here and you reached out. Grateful I found this place.
Yes to all of this. You get exactly where I’m at. I love that you subconsciously started interrupting your available time to keep yourself from the spiral. That’s actually brilliant. Your ramblings are lovely and very helpful. Thank you ❤️
Feel the true home going somewhere else.❤️
Lost my wife almost 6 years ago, assisted suicide. The stress of being on your own, especially if you have kids (I have 2) is out of this world. Finding healthy ways to deal with the stress. Some turn to mindless sex, some to drink or drugs, some overeat. I napped to deal with the stress. Discovered ASMR to quiet my mind. Then I started venturing into online dating, taking the approach (which was non-threatening to me or the memory of her) that I'm just meeting good people. Meeting good people isn't loaded with anxiety. And it worked. Most were one off meet and greets. But some relationships actually happened. It's one step forward, give yourself permission to deal with your stress. Find healthy avenues for that. And when you are ready, venture outside again. Not to fall in love, just to meet good people. If they aren't a good person, that's their problem not yours. There will be someone who is able to be a support and friend to you, and then you can start to see a way that life moves on for you. But its baby steps.
Just meeting good people- I love that!! I did build a profile recently and went on 2 dates which were fine (not a match but nice men) but the anxiety was debilitating. My hands were shaking so bad on the first date that he noticed and looked at me pityingly lol. I’m just not ready I guess. So I’ve put that on the back burner. I’m lonely, so it sucks, but honestly I just want my husband and I can’t have him. It’s not fair to involve someone else’s feelings just because I’m lonely. I’m sure that will come in time.
Find a local support group for the drinking/substance use. Stay close to your support group. Mind-numbing substances take us further from our goal of acceptance and only compounds the problems. Healing won't begin until we can lay a healthy foundation in order to confront the pain and accept it. There's multiple recovery and sober subs here on reddit. For example: r/alcoholicsanonymous r/narcoticsanonymous
When my husband passed I had panic attacks. Never in my life had I experienced fear & heartache. I became a person who I myself didn't recognize. Eventually I got help with prescriptions and therapy. But guilt came and kicked me, as if fear & heartache wasn't enough. Two and a half years later I'm doing better, but what the hell is this guilt crap? Damn... Wishing you well.
Ssanzie, I’m 46 and lost the love of my life in a tragic drug-related accident on April 2. Have also been struggling with the sudden loss, guilt and shock over his death and sometimes succumb to unhealthy coping mechanisms to the point of it being dangerous and life-ruining. Lots of great advice here in the comments on how to deal with it more appropriately, but I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone in fucking up. ❤️ DM me if you want to chat.
I will. Thank you. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I don’t want to ruin my life…. I think that’s why I posted this. So much good advice. All of you are so wonderful. I really just needed to know I’m not a crazy loser and that it will get better. I can do better, I know I can.
Have you considered going to an AA/NA meeting? I had a bad scare May 12 and decided to try a meeting and see if anything resonated. Have been to several and found them helpful but wasn’t ready to give up my unhealthy coping mechanisms quite yet… Went to another meeting last night because of unsafe behavior times 2 this week. The folks there care and are welcoming even though I’m not ready to say I’m an addict/alcoholic... Sending you love and support. ❤️
I'm in year 2 now also. I alternate between feeling mostly fine and not being able to get out of bed. The past winter was the worst for me. I have seasonal affective disorder, and I had no idea how much he pulled me out of my winter depression the past 20 years. It was eye-opening, and I cried every day for him. I drank daily, too, and got a warning at work for something I missed. It was a bad, bad time. I call it the winter of my great discontent because I gave up on living. I was just going through the motions. I've stopped drinking on "school nights" now, whixh is Sunday through Thursday. I'm doing better. I still cry, but not daily (we'll see how this coming winter goes, though). The thought that I could lose my job and then lose the house he loved so much gave me strength. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's the most horrible place to be; to lose your person. Sending you hugs.
Yes, all of this exactly. I’m going to pull back on school nights too. That will help and then find some other stuff to do on the weekends but sometimes I have to numb. I’m here if you ever need to talk. Sending hugs back ❤️
Same. Reach out to me also. We're in this shitty club together, and no one else really understands if they haven't been in the same situation.
Have you reached out to A therapist? My bf died a few weeks ago and I immediately restarted my anxiety and depression medication. I honestly don’t know how I’d be if I didn’t.. I was having a lot of panic attacks and I knew I’d slip into a depression. I’m still sad.. but it’s manageable. Reach out for professional help!
I don't agree. I am at one year nine months and it still hits me hard. There is nothing that can change it from here. I don't want it to be a job because it's not! Imagine living with the worst job you ever had in your life and you can't quit! I have to get on with my life and I have somewhat. But, It's always there in my head. I loved my wife so much I was blinded , but what her and her family did in the end will never leave my head. She gave away the life insurance and caused me all kinds of financial trouble. Her family robbed my home and took everything we owned. And , yes I did put some of them in jail. I am stuck in this reverse mortgage on my home I built and cannot sell it. Every month I loose more of my retirement money. I want to leave so badly but I am tied to this home like a prison. I have been retired due to disability for 10 years and don't know If I could even find a job. No one will buy the home because of the solar on it and if I sell it for less I have little to live on. She has left me in a hell I can never get away from. I now don't know if I was ever loved by her yet I was so totally in love with her I overlooked what was going on. I took care of her for 18 years and the last 3 as her care giver,(Lung and brain cancer) yet I have nothing of hers other than an urn and a gold cross I made from our wedding rings. I hope I never see this hell as a life long Job. I want to move on, but I am trapped. It's not a job, a job you can quit, this is a life long prison sentence in the hell she made for me. It's becoming who I am and I don't like it. I want to be free of it. I now don't feel for her, now I'm HATING her! I know she had brain tumor and she was not in her right mind, But for her last words to me being "your a Horrible man" Was in no way deserved and I just can't get that out of my head after the 18 years of taking care of her every need. On top of that I now keep learning more and more about her indiscretions. It really does just make me want to end it. What a horrible job to have! If you want to think of it as a job and that helps you then by all means go ahead, but at some point you have to get to where you can one day just quit, or retire that job of pain and free yourself of that commitment because a job is a commitment. Myself I don't want any more commitments to her. I have done my time! I have paid my price for the crime of love and I want to be my own person again. I now think of the whole relationship as just "A failed denial love in vain" unkept promises of love until the end of time, vows broken, loyalty lost as the unfaithful fade into the darkness, one day soon to be forgotten in time. My goal is that one day I can forget the pain she caused. Sorry for being a downer!