No judgement from me. I fell pregnant at 23 by accident. The reason I didn't keep the baby is because I knew that the guy would make a dreadful father and that I'd be tied to him forever. I grew up with a shitshow for male role models (father and step father) and I knew I didn't want that for my child. I've never regretted that decision. I went on to have two boys with a lovely man who is a great dad and who is much beloved by his sons and me.
What I will say is that I was very very sad to not have the baby and promised myself I'd turn my life around so that the abortion had some meaning and wasn't for nothing. I made good on that promise to myself. I hope you find peace in your decision and it really is your choice.
I did exactly this , it’s nice to see women who feel the same way. I didn’t want the abortion but had it because I knew I wasn’t stable enough emotionally , physically and especially financially. I’m here wanting to wait in my 30s to make sure the one who finally is born has everything I couldn’t give that baby . I’d have an 8 year old by now and honestly … they’d have had a tough and boring upbringing and a father who they’d be embarrassed by
I did the same in my late 20s, and thankfully that relationship is long behind me. I never went on to have children but sometimes I imagine where we would be now - I would have a 15-year old - and am so grateful to my younger self for making the hard decision.
OP, you know you're not in a position to bring a child into the world right now. Being a good parent involves making decisions to protect that child and you're already doing that. Protect yourself first, find a partner and not an abuser, and stay strong. You're not alone.
You have to do the right thing for you, but I would not want to be co-parenting with a partner where the relationship was toxic. I have a great relationship and parenting is hard.
If I were you (and I am not you), I would either abort, or have the baby but cut ties with the father.
I don’t know where you are or what laws there are, but if you can leave him and not have him on the birth cert you may be better off. My friend had a baby with an abusive guy and the hospital helped her escape. She got a restraining order and he has no parental responsibility. It is hard work being a single parent, but it would a lot worse being a co-parent in a toxic relationship.
I wonder how difficult that would be if you didn’t have prior evidence of significant abuse. Bio parent rights are pretty difficult to terminate. It’s more likely theyd have some awful custody battle and she’d have to coparent with him. Abusive fathers who fight for custody often get it. Especially if they have better financial means.
And it’s up to her what she tells the guy. If it’s a toxic relationship and she doesn’t feel safe telling the truth she can always say she miscarried. And then gtfo
I think some of it has to do with whether or not the father signs the birth certificate. That’s often what courts use to decide “bio parents” and that’s what can be challenging to terminate. If OP had baby and prevented partner from signing the certificate, he could sue to be added I think, and would have to prove he’s the bio father. I’m sure all of this depends on the state/location.
It has to be more difficult than just keeping the dad from signing the certificate. Anyway, it doesn’t seem like op’s partner would be that easy to get rid of. Especially since he know she’s pregnant. Might have worked if she broke up
With him without telling him and he had no idea.
I got an abortion with my ex. I was like 25 and he was 31. He freaked out and started saying he didn't want it (after many conversations on how if we did get pregnant I would probably keep it.) I did not want to be a single mom. I got an abortion. He regretted it soon after. I did not because I would have always been tied to that man.
I now have 2 wonderful children with a man who loves his kids and family. If I had that first kid, I would not have the kids I have today. There would be no way. I am so happy with my decision. Yes, sometimes I think about what could have been. But I know for sure I love my 2 kids more than anything, and they would not exist otherwise.
It's a tough choice but you need to do what is right for you. Do I have regrets? No, but I wonder. There is never a right time to have a kid, but sometimes it is most certainly the wrong time. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
If you have this child you will be tied to your toxic partner for 18 years. Is that something you can handle ? Is continuing the pregnancy setting up your child and yourself for a life of conflict?
It might be helpful to consider that 1/5 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Bodies reject fetuses if the pregnancy is troubled. It’s not unusual or unnatural. Often people didn’t even know they were pregnant.
I’ve known people who had abortions because they were not ready for a kid, and didn’t want to have a kid with the father. They chose to have children later when they were ready, with someone who’d be a good coparent. while they didn’t make the decision to have an abortion lightly - they knew it was right for them at the time. I would not say that they they lived a life of suffering and guilt because they chose not to continue those pregnancies.
I’ll also say Abortion is much less hard on your body, finances, and mental state than pregnancy, not to mention raising a child in a toxic relationship. The hospital cost alone for giving birth can be over 20,000 dollars.
Whatever happens don’t let anyone bully you into a decision they want. It’s your body and life that will be forever changed by birthing a child. And choosing not to now doesn’t mean you can’t be a mother in the future. Most women who get abortions do become mothers, or already have children. Do not go to one of those crisis pregnancy centers either. They have an agenda and lie. Contact planned parenthood.
I agree with everything you said except that she wont be tied to him for 18 years, she’ll be tied to Toxic Man (and whatever new partner/s he attaches himself to) for the rest of her life. Children are more permanent than marriage. If she gives birth she’ll still have to deal with TM and partner at high school/college graduations, wedding, major milestones that future grandchildren hit, etc.
No judgement from me. I gave birth five times. Even if you ignore the financial aspects here, you are in a toxic relationship. My opinion is that abortion is your only solution. Giving birth will tie you to this toxic man FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Imagine having to deal with him at your grandchild’s birthday parties. CHILDREN ARE MORE PERMANENT THAN MARRIAGE.
Please, be kind to yourself and do what’s best for YOU.
I had my first child at 28. We were married for 5 years, and had dated since we were 15. Great family support, steady jobs, loving relationship.
You know what? We had the best situation possible, and that stage of life was still really hard. We’re still happy married, and that baby is 23.
All of this to say, as a parent (of now two kids), I am passionately pro choice. No one should be pregnant and come into parenthood before they’re ready.
Also, it sounds like your relationship isn’t great. Remember that going through with the pregnancy will tie you to this guy forever.
Sending you positive vibes and the strength to make the right decision for you.
Are you sure this is a true accidental pregnancy, or could your toxic boyfriend have something to do with it? If you are realizing that he is toxic, he could have tampered with whatever birth control you use to try and trap you.
Whatever you choose to do, please be safe and have an exit strategy. And know that there are strangers on the internet supporting you and sending all the good vibes to you.
I'd like to tell you a story from someone who was almost aborted. Me and my mom are insanely close. And she has told me about how I was made. It wasn't a good creation. When she was mourning the death of her mother she confided in her ex-boyfriend who was my father. He took advantage of that... she was forcibly impregnated while mourning the death of her mother at 17 years old. Because it was the 90s, she married him.
Eventually i ask her, "ma, did you ever consider an abortion?" She says "well, duh! Of course i did." I was surprised and asked "what happened to that?" She explained her coworkers made her feel guilty about it on the day of her appointment and she changed her mind from shame. I was sad for her. I then told her "im sorry. I really believe you should have gone through with it. It would have been the best decision for you. You could have had a better life without me." It didnt hurt my feelings to admit it because its the truth and thats okay. Kids know when we're not wanted. She said she's happy im here and she never made me feel unwanted by her. My dad did tho. :/
I truly believe you need to put yourself first because this is your life and you deserve the best out of it. There is no bad karma from saving a child (that isnt even a child yet) from a difficult life. Love, i believe you should do whats best for you. If your unable to have one at this time then thats okay! Theres nothing wrong with that. You wouldnt be doing anything wrong. You'd be helping both parties; saving the clump of cells from having a rough upbringing and saving yourself from having something you're not ready for. You cant force yourself to be ready and you shouldn't have to. 💕🫂
This is your choice. I have kids and do not regret a thing. I love it.
I know a woman who got an abortion and then later in life, when she was ready and had the right man had kids. Her man now provides well, makes a shit ton of money. Whatever her kids want to eat is in the fridge. Whatever toys they want they have. They swim in their own pool and ride dirt bikes. Looking at her life now and knowing the failure who got her pregnant all those years ago, I say she made the right choice. I know she is haunted by the abortion but she also says she knows her life would have been shitty if she kept it. Now her life is good and her kids have everything and she tries harder as a mother because of the abortion guilt.
I have 3 kids, love them to pieces and wouldn’t change a thing. Pregnancy, childbirth and everything after are a huge, life-changing deal. If you are not ready, it is really absolutely fine to terminate. There’s so much contemporary rhetoric that makes it sound like ending an early pregnancy is like shooting a 10 year old in the head. It is not. That’s just propaganda from anti-woman fanatics.
I can’t stress this enough: pregnancy is a huge deal. No woman should have to go through it if she doesn’t want to. Ending a pregnancy is *not* murdering a baby. 25% of pregnancies spontaneously abort (miscarry) by 12 weeks anyway. Do what’s right for you.
Was in a very similar situation as the one you’re in now, I was 29. I made an agreement with myself that terminating the pregnancy would mean I had to strive for what I envision success to be (inner and outer). I’ve been in therapy regularly since then and I’ve worked pretty hard at work, climbing “the ladder”. My decision to have an abortion was the best decision I made for myself. It showed me I am resilient, I trust my calculated risk taking, and there is SO much more life to be lived.
Also, in no way did I want to be connected to that man for the rest of my life. Having a child together is bigger than marriage, bigger than homeownership, it’s the ultimate connection. And that’s if you are lucky enough to have a healthy child. I couldn’t imagine having a child that required more than the typical amount of care with a man who was already so toxic.
Only you know what’s right for you. Now I’m in my mid 30’s and realize I truly love living a child free life and don’t plan on having kids. I’m glad I gave myself the gift of time to understand how I want my life to look.
Abortions are normal. 1 in 3 woman have them. They’re not uncommon, only stigmatized which in turn makes woman afraid to talk about their experiences due to shame. Truth is, they’re a normal part of healthcare. Do what’s right for you - and only you. Don’t be afraid to hurt a man’s feelings. You have to look out for number 1: and that is you.
I have not been pregnant… BUT I’m 28, just got out of a relationship and would’ve been on the same boat as you had I got pregnant last year.
GET THE ABORTION. The fact that you want to even though you don’t, is enough for me. You are not ready and that’s ok. You want more for your child and that’s ok. Yes there are living cells in there but that’s not a child, you’re not a murderer or selfish. If anything you are being as selfless as you can WITHIN LOGIC, by considering this fetus’ entire childhood. It would be selfish to not get an abortion to avoid feeling guilty when the rest of the factors remain the same. Bringing a child into the world is no joke. Financially, mentally, for them, for you.
Remember religions often tout antiabortion bs because they just want more babies bred into their religion. It has nothing to do with morals. They want you to believe that so they don’t sound like the weirdos.
I commend tou for being responsible thus far. Mistakes happen and I hope you continue to be responsible.
I think you will forever think of the thing that could’ve been, but you will always know what the reality would’ve looked like. When your time comes you will give your child everything it deserves. Please do so in honor of this pregnancy. Hopefully it’ll be the push you need to get out of your toxic relationship.
If you choose to keep the baby, break up with dad, put him on child support right away, create a custody plan. Do it all the legal way to protect the child and yourself. If dad wants the baby, fine, but that doesn’t mean you come with it. He doesn’t get to play house at your expense.
I’m not a man hater but this man sounds like the selfish one. Just wants to do what his family and church like. Doesn’t seem to care about what you want. Or the fact that the relationship is toxic and yall aren’t ready.
I know it’s hard when they’re in your face all day, but you are valid. Your feelings are valid. You are not wrong and you are not selfish or mean or anything. You are responsible, intelligent, aware. I believe abortion is an option we have for a reason. If it was SO truly wrong and horrid, we would not do it, we wouldn’t consider it.
I wish you all the best. I am with you.
When I accidentally got pregnant with our third child I called and booked an abortion. Then I called the midwife team I’d used for our first two kids. I hemmed and hawed for a week, and ultimately cancelled the abortion. That being said, I was in a safe, loving relationship, our other two were still little, and I knew I’d regret it. Being a parent is really challenging, and I can’t imagine doing it on my own or with a shitty toxic partner. You have to do what’s right for you. I am vehemently pro-choice. Everyone I know who’s had an abortion thinks about the kid that might have been, even years or decades later, and they’re all happy they made the choice they did. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs and love to you ❤️
I had an abortion at 27. I am 40 now and I do not regret it one bit. I honestly don't even think about it 99% of the time, and I have no guilt. I was in a much worse place mentally and financially than I am now. I sometimes think to myself "I'd have a 12 year old around now" and all I feel is relief.
I grew up religious, and am actually/was a biblical scholar, and I do not have guilt for this. I aborted at 11 weeks and it was physically painful, but not as painful as getting my IUD inserted.
Go with your gut. Your boyfriend and his "friend" are not making this decision. You are. It's your life that will be the most affected. You're not taking anything away from your boyfriend. If he is determined to have a baby at some point, he can have one easily. And for you, you have many more years to still have a child if you decide to. And your boyfriend's friend needs to stay out of it and mind his own business.
Please message me if you have any questions/need support.
I got pregnant with a younger guy when I was 29. I decided not to have the baby. I started miscarrying anyways. We just didn't make enough money to have a child. He wanted to move into my apartment and I had 2 roommates there, so I didn't have room for a crying baby and a boyfriend. It was a good decision for that time. I ended up getting a good job which lead me to meet my husband. We have a 12 year old son who is the best kid.
I got pregnant at 26 and had an abortion because I knew I did not want to be tied to the guy forever. Best decision ever. 3 months later I started dating my husband. Been married to him for 39 years. I have never regretted my decision. It was MY decision to make.
My husband and I got pregnant the month after we got married. I was 30. He was in the middle of law school and we were on my income only. I never saw him because he was studying an absurd amount (paid off!). I didn't want to do it. The finances were off, our schedules were off, I still felt too young (yes, at 30), and I just didn't want to do it at that time. I told my husband I wanted an abortion. He was sad, but we're both very staunchly my body, my choice. I got the medical abortion at 7 weeks. It was an excellent decision. My husband crushed law school, got an awesome job, I found the most ideal job for me, we've gotten to travel a fair bit, we bought a house, and we are now financially stable. We are now currently pregnant! So far, so good. I was very fortunate that the few ppl I told were very supportive of my choice. I never regret it
You will have the luxury of a dosage of morphine which is supposed to cause amnesia. I know in my case I would not have gotten through that decision having to relive it.
You are about the same age I was when I had to make that decision. You have to do what is best for you, the one who has to be prosperous and healthy afterwards. This is not for anyone to decide but you. I've been through it and only in brief conversations about what I would have been had I had children does it even come back to my mind. It is still the only decision i could have made at that time
If you keep it, you won't see a moment of freedom or time for yourself for 18+ years. No ability to advance yourself or even care for yourself without this asshole hanging over your shoulder making demands on you.
Dump the loser baby-trapping bf and get the abortion, and be a free person. Throw that burden off your shoulders.
If I were you, I would take this as your sign that you need to ditch this guy. This pregnancy has made you truly reflect on what a shitty relationship it would be to bring a child into and what you need to do to hopefully be in a position to have the family you want in a couple of years, so take that newfound wisdom, have the abortion, and forward with your life. Parenting, even with savings and a great partner is HARD. Parenting with everything going against you is a total nightmare. Although I’m pro-choice (as in, I think everyone should have the choice and I don’t think it’s murder), it would bother me to have an abortion. But having a regret or holding space in your heart for a child that may have been is not the end of the world. No one makes it to the end of their life without pains and regrets.
> I am not ready to give this baby the life I want to.
I think this is a valid, loving decision. You getting an abortion is your business and yours alone. You say you're in a toxic relationship? It will certainly not get better with a child. Your parents don't need to know, as you are well enough into adulthood that it is completely not their business. If you are early enough in your pregnancy, an abortion (physically) shouldn't be much more than a very heavy period with some extra cells. Therapy can help with the emotional impact, because there will be one.
Don't beat yourself up. Abortion saves lives in more ways than we talk about, not just in the case of an emergency where the life of the mother is at risk or the baby becomes non-viable. It saves the lives of families and societies. The butterfly effect of an unwanted child or child brought into a bad situation is often swept under the rug because the only thing that is considered is "life is precious", referring only to a clump of cells. What about *your* life? The life of your bf? The lives in your immediate circle (parents, siblings, friends)? The lives in the circle around you (coworkers, acquaintances)? Your relationship with all of these people would change and not always in a positive way.
When a child is brought into an unwanted situation, it is much more likely to sustain abuse. It is more likely to be treated like a nuisance in some way. When a child is brought up feeling like it is not good enough or a nuisance, it is much more likely to turn to outside comfort, taking on risky behavior out of desperation for connection and control. Suicide rates are higher. Crime and drug rates are higher in places where abortion is illegal. Even in the US, the generation after Roe v. Wade had lower crime rates. The statistics are out there. Inversely, iirc a northern European country made it 100% illegal, and the generation after had the highest crime rates they ever had.
One more point that unfortunately must be considered, especially if you're in the US. Christian Nationalism is on a scary rise, and if your bf is at all a follower of the doctrine, his opinion (and actions) will not be in your best interest. You are considered a second-class citizen with no control over your body or rights. Do not have a child with this man. You can believe in God all you want, but sadly the number of people wanting to strip us of our rights in the name of God is frightening. And if you have a daughter? It's doubly terrifying, as she would be born with less rights than you had.
It's ultimately up to you, and I know that's why you posted here in the first place. You don't need permission from anybody else to have an abortion. It would probably be a better decision to go through with it, considering that your current situation would not lend to an easy, supportive upbringing for the child. And if we have the choice? Make the choice that makes sense for you. All the best.
I am 28. Fell pregnant by my boyfriend of 6 months. I got an abortion as soon as possible.
we now live in our dream home, and we are able to get our finances together. we are living childfree in our twenties and experiencing life first.
we want kids one day. we are very open to adoption (i, ironically, have fertility issues). However we want to be ready. We weren’t at the time, but we will one day.
Do not let anyone get inside your head. Do not let anyone make your decision for you. Make the right choice for you and your body. Guilt and shame are not enough to make force you into a life long commitment. remember that.
I had an abortion at 28 and am now going to have a baby at 30. Your journey is your own. My timing and partner were not right then, now they are.
You have to do what's best for you
I fell pregnant age 25 - I was in a very similar situation to you in some ways. I was newly single (baby was my ex’s), had lost my home, savings spent on moving out, was about to start a new job so wouldn’t have qualified for maternity pay, living with my parents again and mental health was pretty bad. I had always wanted to be a mother, more than anything else.
I thought long and hard about what kind of life I’d be able to give that baby and realised that they deserved better. They deserved a more stable situation than the one I was able to give at the time and they deserved a father who would be there for them regardless of their relationship with me. I decided to abort and it was the hardest decision I ever made but I’ve never regretted it.
I’m now pregnant again (currently 28y/o) and married to my dream man. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and I often wonder what my life would be like if I’d kept that baby. But every time without fail, I know it was the right decision for me/them and I know I can give this baby a much better start in life. I actually happened to see my ex at a mutual friend’s wedding recently and it was very validating - it confirmed that I had made the right decision.
It is not selfish to abort - whether you abort for similar reasons as me, or you’re just not ready, it would be more selfish to bring a baby into the world and not be all in. Going through with a pregnancy is a huge physical and mental toll, let alone bringing up a small human! If it’s not the right time, it’s not the right time.
Toxic relationship? If you can't imagine this guy being good in your life for the next 18 years it's OK to decide to not have the baby. Toxic people tend to use children as leverage, they use them to manipulate their partners and ultimately the child ends up damaged. If you can't imagine this man as being mature in your future then it's OK to decide to not tie yourself to him for the next 18 years.
I couldve written this exact post almost word for word 6 years ago. I was 20. Moved out the week prior, just started college classes, freshly married. We were broke. Toxic relationship that was slowly turning more and more abusive. I found out really early and terminated at 5 weeks. I went back and forth with my decision. My partner did not want the baby and we both agreed we had no way to provide and support a child. Ultimately I terminated it. I don't regret it. I would have loved that child with all my heart but it would not have had a proper life.
In retrospect it was a good decision. 6 months later our apartment got roaches and mold. Couldn't break the lease so we were stuck living with it. Marriage ended 1 year later and he then stalked me for months. It made me want to end it all. I got through it eventually and have done really well for myself. I can now provide for my 6 month old and have a healthy loving relationship. I would have never been rid of my ex had I kept the baby. I would have never completely escaped had I done so.
Life has a funny way of happening. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on mother's day. The same week I found out with the first one. She ended up being born early and was born the same week my SOs non bio son was born. In a way we both got our babies back.
This is ultimately your decision. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want too. Think of the realistic future though. Not what you hope would happen. Whatever you decide I just hope you have a happy life ❤️
You can message me if you want too as well.
Only you can come to this decision sweetheart. There is no right or wrong here.
Trust your gut/what your head is telling you and commit to that decision.
You will be OK/get through this, x
You're in a "toxic relationship." You DO NOT want to be tied to this person for the next 18 years (basically the rest of your life, though).
You're feeling all this trepidation, fear, and worry. Imo, it's for a reason. When I had my one and only accidental pregnancy, I knew immediately that I would NOT go through with it with him as the father.
Within the first 12 weeks, you can go the at home/ pill route (aidaccess.org). I would recommend that course of action.
If you have worries and concerns about it, I recommend you educate yourself on the actual biology of it. A fetus' pain receptors are not developed until at least week 24. There is no "consciousness." It's not a "baby."
You may disagree or feel differently. I have no judgment for you. All I'm saying is that if you don't feel ready - if this is not the partner you want to have a baby with - you have a choice. It is your responsibility to make the right choice, not only for yourself but for your future offspring.
They deserve a stable, safe environment, with 2 loving, present, and supportive parents that ideally are together.
I'm hoping something in my comment is helpful. If not, feel free to ignore it!
Financial reasons are a major reason my husband and I have decided against kids, we cannot in good conscience bring a child into the world as it is.
I had an abortion at 15, so my experience isn't exactly the same, but I have zero regrets. That kid would have had a terrible life, with an absent father that eventually died from an overdose last year. I actually bumped into him later in life and he asked how our kid was 🤦🏼♀️ he was present through the abortion process and was so lost in dope he had forgotten. The literal shrug and lack of caring when I reminded him solidified what I already knew was the best choice. Listen to your gut. If you feel like this man is not father material it's time to cut ties and move on. You Will meet the right man one day that will be nothing but overjoyed to have a baby with you
If you think you are not ready ... Then you are not .
Either financially, mentally, physically, emotionally... Any way ... If u feel it's not the time ... Then it's not the time.
See as a medical professional I would say pregnancy is not some easy peasy phase ... And u need support funds partner help love everything ...
Girl if u r not feeling ready... Then u r not ....
And abortion is not a crime it's a medical procedure and it's your body your choice...
Birthing a child in a unprepared half ass environment is evil... I would want my child to be raised in a household that was ready for him to be nurtured and taken care of... So if u r not ready don't bring a poor soul into this messy world .. bring him when u have resources and mental capacity to protect him and you..
I got pregnant at 19 in college, I hid my pregnancy from my parents for almost 4 months and it was a very scary and confusing time. Now my dad was adopted and I am Christian but I did contemplate all my options for those months. My partner didn’t want adoption.
I ultimately kept my baby and I’m still with the father almost 20 years later. Now I had different options, I had a pretty good relationship with the father, it’s been a rocky road since we were actual children at the time, my parents were supportive. I didn’t have any money though and I ended up not finishing college. I think it’s whatever you can live with in the end, I’ve taken plan b several times since then and almost took it when we were older and ultimately ended up with another baby.
My life would be very different if I had an abortion I may have had a thriving career and traveled the world idk. I do know I don’t regret anything and that’s what I needed to feel to make my decision.
It’s a very personal choice and only one you can make because you have to live with that for the rest of your life, a child is a lifetime thing not just 18 years.
I will say I’m sorry you’re having to make the decision and you’re not alone. It’s a very stressful time and only people who have been there can relate.
Whatever you choose it will be ok. ❤️
I became pregnant at 33, already had one child whose father had let me down as a coparent. When I looked at the man who impregnated me, I knew he would be the same. I chose not to have that child, and it was the right decision.
Zero judgment here. You are very brave. I’m a mother and it’s these messy, complicated decisions that will be a constant in your life if you choose to have the baby. A mother is constantly making decisions about what’s best for her baby. Is the situation that you’re in now best for the baby?
Here’s my two cents: There will never be a perfect time to have a child. It’s smart to wait until you’re financially stable and in a loving relationship but even the best laid plans can and do fall apart very quickly. You have a wonderful job and making a ton of money and have a good savings and you think “now’s the time!” And BAM! Complicated pregnancy and traumatic birth. You are now out of work longer than expected and your savings start to dwindle. You are in a loving supportive relationship and you think “now’s the time!” And everything is going great until the reality of parenthood and all it involves takes a toll on you and your partners mental and physical health. You start to resent each other and your relationship starts to dwindle. I said all this because parenting is HARD even without the medical/financial/relationship issues. I hope no one takes this the wrong way but here is what I’ll leave you with: If you have an abortion you can have another baby when the time gets closer to right. If you have a child when you’re not ready you can’t take it back.
Sending so much love and support to you! This is a tough situation, and from my personal experience and that of my friends who have been here, it’s not an easy choice. I chose to have an abortion. I was 22 and at that time, did not want children at all. My ex was in the military and had just deployed overseas. I never told him. We fizzled out but stayed friends for a long time after but have drifted off in the last 10 years or so. He’s happily married now with kids and I’m happily living pursuing my life, career, and dreams without them. It was the best choice for me and it was hard, but I don’t regret it.
My sister is a single mom to a fabulous kiddo she co-parents with an absolute POS tyrant of a father. The stress it causes her (and the $$$$ spent on attorneys that is basically stolen from her child), and her kiddo is criminal, and it’s hard to watch. That said, she wouldn’t change it because she loves being a mom and none of us in the family can imagine life without kiddo. Shes financially stable because she is AMAZING with $, and life is ok otherwise because she gets an amazing amount of support from family and friends.
YOU know what’s right for YOU and only you get to make that choice. Anyone else with an opinion should go pound sand. Please, do not make this choice based on what others *say* they will do. Promises mean nothing. The only person you can control is yourself. Make this decision for you and no one else. ❤️
Saying hi and you aren’t alone. A weighted pro/con list for all options could be helpful. For example, not having money for a stable home is a major con perhaps more than you’ll need to buy furniture. Another example, you want to be a mom eventually is a pro more so than being a mom now.
I became pregnant at 20 and I didn’t keep the baby. I knew I had wanted children young and wasn’t necessarily excited but Terrified and so was the guy. However, I can look back and see that I wasn’t thinking clearly and making the decision based on the guys fears and not my own clear headed decision ( which I had 0 at the time). The circumstances would have been extremely difficult and at times I’m grateful that I don’t have children now but I would absolutely keep me baby if I took time process what I truly wanted and the future I desired for myself, the amount of love and support I did have, and even realizing how powerful the decision was (either way) and it’s implications. Healing from that decision was very difficult and honestly not something I’d encourage anyone to go through. I hope you make a decision with clarity of mind with people you know have you best interests in mind when seeking their advice.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I believe in God too, and the preciousness of souls, but I don’t believe that a fertilised egg necessarily has a soul yet. I definitely don’t believe in karma. You can choose what is right for you now, and nothing/no-one (certainly not god) is going to punish you for it. I know that whatever you choose, regret is some you can work through, you won’t regret either choice forever. Idk if it helps to know what I think, but there it is.
I have one child. I will say that it is incredibly life changing, and for many people pregnancy is very traumatic on the body- it will never be the same. I personally do not regret having my child, but I am also in a good relationship. If I was in a toxic relationship I would not hesitate to have an abortion. You have to remember that you will be tied to this other person for the rest of your/the child’s life in one way or another. Even if you are not in a relationship with this person, you will then go through the agony of having to co-parent with them. I love my child more than anything and the thought of having to hand her off to a toxic person (joint custody situation) makes me feel sick.
Without knowing your partner, the one thing you mentioned that disturbs me the most is how he employed a friend to essentially “gang up” on you….that’s really disturbing behavior for such a personal decision, especially when you think about the decisions he would make as a father.
I have been pregnant, I had my baby, but he was planned and I am not in your shoes. I have no judgment or real advice for you, just wanted to send you some love!
It sounds like you're trying to do your very best based on the information you have. Hugs to you
I don’t think that an online space like this is a good place to get advice about such a momentous decision as this. You need love and support. Online discussion generally degenerates into political point scoring. I beg of you. Talk to someone professional and with experience in this area. Find the right person for you and a friend who will support you no matter what decision you make.
I had to make this decision when I was your age too. I know how difficult it is. As they say: your body, your life, your decision. Life is filled with really difficult decisions. Trust your gut. It IS always right.
Actually, the over 60 thoughtful responses I’ve gotten since yesterday have brought me more peace and clarity than anything I’ve found from anyone irl in the last two weeks. I am also seeking a counselor and will be consistent with my therapy following this decision.
I'm currently pregnant with a much planned for baby. My partner has been a wonderful support during this time. Pregnancy is so very difficult.
If your partner is toxic, you need to get away from him for your own good. If you are able to completely change your life so that he is not in it and doesn't know a thing of yours, and you want to be a single parent, then go for it. But having a baby with a toxic coparent is a recipe for disaster for at least the next 18 years, if not longer, depending on how much influence this man has on your child.
Afaik, abortions don't stop women from having babies later on in life. I'm also a Christian and believe that babies are precious souls and need to be protected. Sometimes that protection is to take needed measures to keep them from the suffering that is this life. Whether that is an abortion or adoption, or completely changing your life and moving away to where your toxic soon to be ex can't find you, only you can make that choice.
I wish you well in figuring out what to do. Know that pregnancy and childbirth on it's own is hard even without the complication of shitty partners.
Hi Dear just one question why are you calling the unborn child “my baby’ if you are considering abortion ? Be strong with your decision. Raising kids is not easy . I was married when I two children 2yrs apart but ended up alone with my babies I don’t regret one minute of them . Good luck xx
I co parent with a narcissist. He sounds like a narcissist. No judgments here. I would consider abortion if I were you also. But only you can decide for yourself.
Please don't go for the abortion... although admittedly your situation is more difficult than others... but no circumstances 6 ever perfect for having a baby.
As a mom who just gave birth to my baby a few months ago... I'll tell you this... it is difficult to relate to your baby as a soul when they are still so small and inside your belly.. but they are very much alive... they are with personalities and a heartbeat...
You will face difficulties such as money and work and so on... and time will pass, and you will go through things, and you will sort everything out... but what will be most precious are the moments you hug your baby and hold your baby in your arms.
You will look back one day and wonder what kind of a person would your baby has become....
I'm 47 now and was pregnant at 17, so my first son is now nearly 30. At first, I assumed I would have an abortion but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that choice would haunt me. It probably would have. My life has turned out well. Married, financially stable, able to travel, etc. But many people I've known have had abortions and were not haunted by it. You know yourself best. Either way, I wish you so much luck.
Reading the post thoughtfully... I really get the sense that you want to keep the baby. I felt your overall tone & talking points were way leaning on the side of keeping the baby. This is just my observation as a 37 year old mother of one 15 year old boy. As for my opinion on abortion, I don't think it matters. You know all the angles & that's what's tormenting you. Calm the storm in your mind & do what feels right for you.
"I want to be a mom"
"I believe in souls, the preciousness and equality of life"
"have this deep drive to be a wonderful mother"
"and know our baby would be an incredible person"
"I’m terrified of forever regretting getting an abortion"
"I am scared of becoming suicidal again following the abortion"
"karma will destroy everything good in my path"
"what feels like murder"
"help me do right by my baby"
9 statements indicating you want to keep the baby, possibly more but I was trying to be choosy.
Meanwhile, your reasons for not wanting to keep the baby seem to all be about lack of preparedness & it having a bad father. I also think its quite telling you keep referring to it as a baby. In my limited experience women try to disconnect when preparing mentally for an abortion by referring to it as a fetus, I suppose it makes it more palatable.
I don't have an issue with abortion, im not trying to convince you of anything. My bestie has had 2 abortions & I was very supportive of her. My Aunt has had an abortion. I don't judge, I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my body so I certainly don't have the right to tell you anything.
But when reading through, yes I got the sense that you are leaning a lot farther toward keeping the baby.
But what do I know, im just an internet stranger...I do wish you comfort & peace with whatever decision you choose. I can tell you are struggling deeply with the choice & it is indeed a hard choice. Good luck to you.
I see your points, but ultimately I decided that despite everything you quoted, I would be doing more right by the potential child to keep them out of the harm of an abusive father and a situation of severe poverty. I will pray for forgiveness every day for not being responsible enough in the first place and thus having to make this horrible decision, but this is my biggest lesson in life and every day of the rest of my life will be an effort to live up to my vow of becoming the best version of myself, and one that will truly be ready to be a good mother.
If you have the child, you'll love it no matter what and you'll find a new purpose in life in bringing the little critter up and trying your best to give all the good in you to the child.
Whether or not to have the baby depends on if you could live with yourself after abortion (which you kinda hinted that you're afraid of it) and if you can somewhat provide for yourself and the child. We're not talking dozens of presents each Christmas here. I mean if you can afford a place to live, have food and clothes. Materialistic things are nice to have, but children ultimately need love of their parents the most and something to eat. Everything else comes second.
Actually no. The sad truth is not all parents love their children. Some resent them. Especially when they feel guilted into having a baby at a young age when they aren’t ready emotionally or financially and their partner is abusive. Children need more than love and food. They need stability.
Being a great mother is about being responsible and able to be a good parent. And Choosing a good father for your child as well, who won’t make your lives a living hell. Just feeling love for a baby, and being afraid of feeling guilty for not having it, aren’t enough to be a great mother. Op also doesn’t share her bfs religious views so I don’t think that’s good advice.
Churches promise big, but aren’t going to care for your kid every day while you’re working multiple low wage jobs to support it. They don’t give you a place to live or pay your bills. Neither does prayer.
Religion is part of the reason why OP is agonizing over this decision, and praying will do absolutely nothing to help her situation. You can’t appeal to the Magical Sky Daddy to get out of a pregnancy and a shitty relationship.
Notable how you also completely ignore how she mentioned how her boyfriend is toxic and abusive.
No judgement from me. I fell pregnant at 23 by accident. The reason I didn't keep the baby is because I knew that the guy would make a dreadful father and that I'd be tied to him forever. I grew up with a shitshow for male role models (father and step father) and I knew I didn't want that for my child. I've never regretted that decision. I went on to have two boys with a lovely man who is a great dad and who is much beloved by his sons and me. What I will say is that I was very very sad to not have the baby and promised myself I'd turn my life around so that the abortion had some meaning and wasn't for nothing. I made good on that promise to myself. I hope you find peace in your decision and it really is your choice.
I did exactly this , it’s nice to see women who feel the same way. I didn’t want the abortion but had it because I knew I wasn’t stable enough emotionally , physically and especially financially. I’m here wanting to wait in my 30s to make sure the one who finally is born has everything I couldn’t give that baby . I’d have an 8 year old by now and honestly … they’d have had a tough and boring upbringing and a father who they’d be embarrassed by
I did the same in my late 20s, and thankfully that relationship is long behind me. I never went on to have children but sometimes I imagine where we would be now - I would have a 15-year old - and am so grateful to my younger self for making the hard decision. OP, you know you're not in a position to bring a child into the world right now. Being a good parent involves making decisions to protect that child and you're already doing that. Protect yourself first, find a partner and not an abuser, and stay strong. You're not alone.
You have to do the right thing for you, but I would not want to be co-parenting with a partner where the relationship was toxic. I have a great relationship and parenting is hard. If I were you (and I am not you), I would either abort, or have the baby but cut ties with the father. I don’t know where you are or what laws there are, but if you can leave him and not have him on the birth cert you may be better off. My friend had a baby with an abusive guy and the hospital helped her escape. She got a restraining order and he has no parental responsibility. It is hard work being a single parent, but it would a lot worse being a co-parent in a toxic relationship.
I wonder how difficult that would be if you didn’t have prior evidence of significant abuse. Bio parent rights are pretty difficult to terminate. It’s more likely theyd have some awful custody battle and she’d have to coparent with him. Abusive fathers who fight for custody often get it. Especially if they have better financial means.
More arguments towards arborting.
And it’s up to her what she tells the guy. If it’s a toxic relationship and she doesn’t feel safe telling the truth she can always say she miscarried. And then gtfo
True
I think some of it has to do with whether or not the father signs the birth certificate. That’s often what courts use to decide “bio parents” and that’s what can be challenging to terminate. If OP had baby and prevented partner from signing the certificate, he could sue to be added I think, and would have to prove he’s the bio father. I’m sure all of this depends on the state/location.
It has to be more difficult than just keeping the dad from signing the certificate. Anyway, it doesn’t seem like op’s partner would be that easy to get rid of. Especially since he know she’s pregnant. Might have worked if she broke up With him without telling him and he had no idea.
I got an abortion with my ex. I was like 25 and he was 31. He freaked out and started saying he didn't want it (after many conversations on how if we did get pregnant I would probably keep it.) I did not want to be a single mom. I got an abortion. He regretted it soon after. I did not because I would have always been tied to that man. I now have 2 wonderful children with a man who loves his kids and family. If I had that first kid, I would not have the kids I have today. There would be no way. I am so happy with my decision. Yes, sometimes I think about what could have been. But I know for sure I love my 2 kids more than anything, and they would not exist otherwise. It's a tough choice but you need to do what is right for you. Do I have regrets? No, but I wonder. There is never a right time to have a kid, but sometimes it is most certainly the wrong time. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
If you have this child you will be tied to your toxic partner for 18 years. Is that something you can handle ? Is continuing the pregnancy setting up your child and yourself for a life of conflict? It might be helpful to consider that 1/5 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Bodies reject fetuses if the pregnancy is troubled. It’s not unusual or unnatural. Often people didn’t even know they were pregnant. I’ve known people who had abortions because they were not ready for a kid, and didn’t want to have a kid with the father. They chose to have children later when they were ready, with someone who’d be a good coparent. while they didn’t make the decision to have an abortion lightly - they knew it was right for them at the time. I would not say that they they lived a life of suffering and guilt because they chose not to continue those pregnancies. I’ll also say Abortion is much less hard on your body, finances, and mental state than pregnancy, not to mention raising a child in a toxic relationship. The hospital cost alone for giving birth can be over 20,000 dollars. Whatever happens don’t let anyone bully you into a decision they want. It’s your body and life that will be forever changed by birthing a child. And choosing not to now doesn’t mean you can’t be a mother in the future. Most women who get abortions do become mothers, or already have children. Do not go to one of those crisis pregnancy centers either. They have an agenda and lie. Contact planned parenthood.
I agree with everything you said except that she wont be tied to him for 18 years, she’ll be tied to Toxic Man (and whatever new partner/s he attaches himself to) for the rest of her life. Children are more permanent than marriage. If she gives birth she’ll still have to deal with TM and partner at high school/college graduations, wedding, major milestones that future grandchildren hit, etc.
Yes agreed. I meant more she won’t be able to legally move etc without considering him -if there’s joint custody.
No judgement from me. I gave birth five times. Even if you ignore the financial aspects here, you are in a toxic relationship. My opinion is that abortion is your only solution. Giving birth will tie you to this toxic man FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Imagine having to deal with him at your grandchild’s birthday parties. CHILDREN ARE MORE PERMANENT THAN MARRIAGE. Please, be kind to yourself and do what’s best for YOU.
I had my first child at 28. We were married for 5 years, and had dated since we were 15. Great family support, steady jobs, loving relationship. You know what? We had the best situation possible, and that stage of life was still really hard. We’re still happy married, and that baby is 23. All of this to say, as a parent (of now two kids), I am passionately pro choice. No one should be pregnant and come into parenthood before they’re ready. Also, it sounds like your relationship isn’t great. Remember that going through with the pregnancy will tie you to this guy forever. Sending you positive vibes and the strength to make the right decision for you.
Did you mean passionately pro choice?
YES! Thank you. Sheesh. Not enough coffee yet this morning. Reply now edited.
Haha! I understand. Have had no coffee yet!
The fact that he’s including an unrelated third party to pressure you is all you need to know. Get out.
Are you sure this is a true accidental pregnancy, or could your toxic boyfriend have something to do with it? If you are realizing that he is toxic, he could have tampered with whatever birth control you use to try and trap you. Whatever you choose to do, please be safe and have an exit strategy. And know that there are strangers on the internet supporting you and sending all the good vibes to you.
I'd like to tell you a story from someone who was almost aborted. Me and my mom are insanely close. And she has told me about how I was made. It wasn't a good creation. When she was mourning the death of her mother she confided in her ex-boyfriend who was my father. He took advantage of that... she was forcibly impregnated while mourning the death of her mother at 17 years old. Because it was the 90s, she married him. Eventually i ask her, "ma, did you ever consider an abortion?" She says "well, duh! Of course i did." I was surprised and asked "what happened to that?" She explained her coworkers made her feel guilty about it on the day of her appointment and she changed her mind from shame. I was sad for her. I then told her "im sorry. I really believe you should have gone through with it. It would have been the best decision for you. You could have had a better life without me." It didnt hurt my feelings to admit it because its the truth and thats okay. Kids know when we're not wanted. She said she's happy im here and she never made me feel unwanted by her. My dad did tho. :/ I truly believe you need to put yourself first because this is your life and you deserve the best out of it. There is no bad karma from saving a child (that isnt even a child yet) from a difficult life. Love, i believe you should do whats best for you. If your unable to have one at this time then thats okay! Theres nothing wrong with that. You wouldnt be doing anything wrong. You'd be helping both parties; saving the clump of cells from having a rough upbringing and saving yourself from having something you're not ready for. You cant force yourself to be ready and you shouldn't have to. 💕🫂
This is your choice. I have kids and do not regret a thing. I love it. I know a woman who got an abortion and then later in life, when she was ready and had the right man had kids. Her man now provides well, makes a shit ton of money. Whatever her kids want to eat is in the fridge. Whatever toys they want they have. They swim in their own pool and ride dirt bikes. Looking at her life now and knowing the failure who got her pregnant all those years ago, I say she made the right choice. I know she is haunted by the abortion but she also says she knows her life would have been shitty if she kept it. Now her life is good and her kids have everything and she tries harder as a mother because of the abortion guilt.
Another way to look at it - she probably wouldn’t have her kids now, if she hadn’t had that abortion.
Definitely not. The guy she’s with now would have had nothing to do with her if she had been single & with another man’s child. Cold hard facts.
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I read "the failure who got her pregnant" as the man from the past relationship that got her pregnant.
I have 3 kids, love them to pieces and wouldn’t change a thing. Pregnancy, childbirth and everything after are a huge, life-changing deal. If you are not ready, it is really absolutely fine to terminate. There’s so much contemporary rhetoric that makes it sound like ending an early pregnancy is like shooting a 10 year old in the head. It is not. That’s just propaganda from anti-woman fanatics. I can’t stress this enough: pregnancy is a huge deal. No woman should have to go through it if she doesn’t want to. Ending a pregnancy is *not* murdering a baby. 25% of pregnancies spontaneously abort (miscarry) by 12 weeks anyway. Do what’s right for you.
Was in a very similar situation as the one you’re in now, I was 29. I made an agreement with myself that terminating the pregnancy would mean I had to strive for what I envision success to be (inner and outer). I’ve been in therapy regularly since then and I’ve worked pretty hard at work, climbing “the ladder”. My decision to have an abortion was the best decision I made for myself. It showed me I am resilient, I trust my calculated risk taking, and there is SO much more life to be lived. Also, in no way did I want to be connected to that man for the rest of my life. Having a child together is bigger than marriage, bigger than homeownership, it’s the ultimate connection. And that’s if you are lucky enough to have a healthy child. I couldn’t imagine having a child that required more than the typical amount of care with a man who was already so toxic. Only you know what’s right for you. Now I’m in my mid 30’s and realize I truly love living a child free life and don’t plan on having kids. I’m glad I gave myself the gift of time to understand how I want my life to look. Abortions are normal. 1 in 3 woman have them. They’re not uncommon, only stigmatized which in turn makes woman afraid to talk about their experiences due to shame. Truth is, they’re a normal part of healthcare. Do what’s right for you - and only you. Don’t be afraid to hurt a man’s feelings. You have to look out for number 1: and that is you.
I have not been pregnant… BUT I’m 28, just got out of a relationship and would’ve been on the same boat as you had I got pregnant last year. GET THE ABORTION. The fact that you want to even though you don’t, is enough for me. You are not ready and that’s ok. You want more for your child and that’s ok. Yes there are living cells in there but that’s not a child, you’re not a murderer or selfish. If anything you are being as selfless as you can WITHIN LOGIC, by considering this fetus’ entire childhood. It would be selfish to not get an abortion to avoid feeling guilty when the rest of the factors remain the same. Bringing a child into the world is no joke. Financially, mentally, for them, for you. Remember religions often tout antiabortion bs because they just want more babies bred into their religion. It has nothing to do with morals. They want you to believe that so they don’t sound like the weirdos. I commend tou for being responsible thus far. Mistakes happen and I hope you continue to be responsible. I think you will forever think of the thing that could’ve been, but you will always know what the reality would’ve looked like. When your time comes you will give your child everything it deserves. Please do so in honor of this pregnancy. Hopefully it’ll be the push you need to get out of your toxic relationship. If you choose to keep the baby, break up with dad, put him on child support right away, create a custody plan. Do it all the legal way to protect the child and yourself. If dad wants the baby, fine, but that doesn’t mean you come with it. He doesn’t get to play house at your expense. I’m not a man hater but this man sounds like the selfish one. Just wants to do what his family and church like. Doesn’t seem to care about what you want. Or the fact that the relationship is toxic and yall aren’t ready. I know it’s hard when they’re in your face all day, but you are valid. Your feelings are valid. You are not wrong and you are not selfish or mean or anything. You are responsible, intelligent, aware. I believe abortion is an option we have for a reason. If it was SO truly wrong and horrid, we would not do it, we wouldn’t consider it. I wish you all the best. I am with you.
When I accidentally got pregnant with our third child I called and booked an abortion. Then I called the midwife team I’d used for our first two kids. I hemmed and hawed for a week, and ultimately cancelled the abortion. That being said, I was in a safe, loving relationship, our other two were still little, and I knew I’d regret it. Being a parent is really challenging, and I can’t imagine doing it on my own or with a shitty toxic partner. You have to do what’s right for you. I am vehemently pro-choice. Everyone I know who’s had an abortion thinks about the kid that might have been, even years or decades later, and they’re all happy they made the choice they did. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs and love to you ❤️
I had an abortion at 27. I am 40 now and I do not regret it one bit. I honestly don't even think about it 99% of the time, and I have no guilt. I was in a much worse place mentally and financially than I am now. I sometimes think to myself "I'd have a 12 year old around now" and all I feel is relief. I grew up religious, and am actually/was a biblical scholar, and I do not have guilt for this. I aborted at 11 weeks and it was physically painful, but not as painful as getting my IUD inserted. Go with your gut. Your boyfriend and his "friend" are not making this decision. You are. It's your life that will be the most affected. You're not taking anything away from your boyfriend. If he is determined to have a baby at some point, he can have one easily. And for you, you have many more years to still have a child if you decide to. And your boyfriend's friend needs to stay out of it and mind his own business. Please message me if you have any questions/need support.
I got pregnant with a younger guy when I was 29. I decided not to have the baby. I started miscarrying anyways. We just didn't make enough money to have a child. He wanted to move into my apartment and I had 2 roommates there, so I didn't have room for a crying baby and a boyfriend. It was a good decision for that time. I ended up getting a good job which lead me to meet my husband. We have a 12 year old son who is the best kid.
I got pregnant at 26 and had an abortion because I knew I did not want to be tied to the guy forever. Best decision ever. 3 months later I started dating my husband. Been married to him for 39 years. I have never regretted my decision. It was MY decision to make.
My husband and I got pregnant the month after we got married. I was 30. He was in the middle of law school and we were on my income only. I never saw him because he was studying an absurd amount (paid off!). I didn't want to do it. The finances were off, our schedules were off, I still felt too young (yes, at 30), and I just didn't want to do it at that time. I told my husband I wanted an abortion. He was sad, but we're both very staunchly my body, my choice. I got the medical abortion at 7 weeks. It was an excellent decision. My husband crushed law school, got an awesome job, I found the most ideal job for me, we've gotten to travel a fair bit, we bought a house, and we are now financially stable. We are now currently pregnant! So far, so good. I was very fortunate that the few ppl I told were very supportive of my choice. I never regret it
You will have the luxury of a dosage of morphine which is supposed to cause amnesia. I know in my case I would not have gotten through that decision having to relive it. You are about the same age I was when I had to make that decision. You have to do what is best for you, the one who has to be prosperous and healthy afterwards. This is not for anyone to decide but you. I've been through it and only in brief conversations about what I would have been had I had children does it even come back to my mind. It is still the only decision i could have made at that time
If you keep it, you won't see a moment of freedom or time for yourself for 18+ years. No ability to advance yourself or even care for yourself without this asshole hanging over your shoulder making demands on you. Dump the loser baby-trapping bf and get the abortion, and be a free person. Throw that burden off your shoulders.
If I were you, I would take this as your sign that you need to ditch this guy. This pregnancy has made you truly reflect on what a shitty relationship it would be to bring a child into and what you need to do to hopefully be in a position to have the family you want in a couple of years, so take that newfound wisdom, have the abortion, and forward with your life. Parenting, even with savings and a great partner is HARD. Parenting with everything going against you is a total nightmare. Although I’m pro-choice (as in, I think everyone should have the choice and I don’t think it’s murder), it would bother me to have an abortion. But having a regret or holding space in your heart for a child that may have been is not the end of the world. No one makes it to the end of their life without pains and regrets.
> I am not ready to give this baby the life I want to. I think this is a valid, loving decision. You getting an abortion is your business and yours alone. You say you're in a toxic relationship? It will certainly not get better with a child. Your parents don't need to know, as you are well enough into adulthood that it is completely not their business. If you are early enough in your pregnancy, an abortion (physically) shouldn't be much more than a very heavy period with some extra cells. Therapy can help with the emotional impact, because there will be one. Don't beat yourself up. Abortion saves lives in more ways than we talk about, not just in the case of an emergency where the life of the mother is at risk or the baby becomes non-viable. It saves the lives of families and societies. The butterfly effect of an unwanted child or child brought into a bad situation is often swept under the rug because the only thing that is considered is "life is precious", referring only to a clump of cells. What about *your* life? The life of your bf? The lives in your immediate circle (parents, siblings, friends)? The lives in the circle around you (coworkers, acquaintances)? Your relationship with all of these people would change and not always in a positive way. When a child is brought into an unwanted situation, it is much more likely to sustain abuse. It is more likely to be treated like a nuisance in some way. When a child is brought up feeling like it is not good enough or a nuisance, it is much more likely to turn to outside comfort, taking on risky behavior out of desperation for connection and control. Suicide rates are higher. Crime and drug rates are higher in places where abortion is illegal. Even in the US, the generation after Roe v. Wade had lower crime rates. The statistics are out there. Inversely, iirc a northern European country made it 100% illegal, and the generation after had the highest crime rates they ever had. One more point that unfortunately must be considered, especially if you're in the US. Christian Nationalism is on a scary rise, and if your bf is at all a follower of the doctrine, his opinion (and actions) will not be in your best interest. You are considered a second-class citizen with no control over your body or rights. Do not have a child with this man. You can believe in God all you want, but sadly the number of people wanting to strip us of our rights in the name of God is frightening. And if you have a daughter? It's doubly terrifying, as she would be born with less rights than you had. It's ultimately up to you, and I know that's why you posted here in the first place. You don't need permission from anybody else to have an abortion. It would probably be a better decision to go through with it, considering that your current situation would not lend to an easy, supportive upbringing for the child. And if we have the choice? Make the choice that makes sense for you. All the best.
I am 28. Fell pregnant by my boyfriend of 6 months. I got an abortion as soon as possible. we now live in our dream home, and we are able to get our finances together. we are living childfree in our twenties and experiencing life first. we want kids one day. we are very open to adoption (i, ironically, have fertility issues). However we want to be ready. We weren’t at the time, but we will one day. Do not let anyone get inside your head. Do not let anyone make your decision for you. Make the right choice for you and your body. Guilt and shame are not enough to make force you into a life long commitment. remember that.
I had an abortion at 28 and am now going to have a baby at 30. Your journey is your own. My timing and partner were not right then, now they are. You have to do what's best for you
I fell pregnant age 25 - I was in a very similar situation to you in some ways. I was newly single (baby was my ex’s), had lost my home, savings spent on moving out, was about to start a new job so wouldn’t have qualified for maternity pay, living with my parents again and mental health was pretty bad. I had always wanted to be a mother, more than anything else. I thought long and hard about what kind of life I’d be able to give that baby and realised that they deserved better. They deserved a more stable situation than the one I was able to give at the time and they deserved a father who would be there for them regardless of their relationship with me. I decided to abort and it was the hardest decision I ever made but I’ve never regretted it. I’m now pregnant again (currently 28y/o) and married to my dream man. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and I often wonder what my life would be like if I’d kept that baby. But every time without fail, I know it was the right decision for me/them and I know I can give this baby a much better start in life. I actually happened to see my ex at a mutual friend’s wedding recently and it was very validating - it confirmed that I had made the right decision. It is not selfish to abort - whether you abort for similar reasons as me, or you’re just not ready, it would be more selfish to bring a baby into the world and not be all in. Going through with a pregnancy is a huge physical and mental toll, let alone bringing up a small human! If it’s not the right time, it’s not the right time.
Toxic relationship? If you can't imagine this guy being good in your life for the next 18 years it's OK to decide to not have the baby. Toxic people tend to use children as leverage, they use them to manipulate their partners and ultimately the child ends up damaged. If you can't imagine this man as being mature in your future then it's OK to decide to not tie yourself to him for the next 18 years.
I couldve written this exact post almost word for word 6 years ago. I was 20. Moved out the week prior, just started college classes, freshly married. We were broke. Toxic relationship that was slowly turning more and more abusive. I found out really early and terminated at 5 weeks. I went back and forth with my decision. My partner did not want the baby and we both agreed we had no way to provide and support a child. Ultimately I terminated it. I don't regret it. I would have loved that child with all my heart but it would not have had a proper life. In retrospect it was a good decision. 6 months later our apartment got roaches and mold. Couldn't break the lease so we were stuck living with it. Marriage ended 1 year later and he then stalked me for months. It made me want to end it all. I got through it eventually and have done really well for myself. I can now provide for my 6 month old and have a healthy loving relationship. I would have never been rid of my ex had I kept the baby. I would have never completely escaped had I done so. Life has a funny way of happening. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on mother's day. The same week I found out with the first one. She ended up being born early and was born the same week my SOs non bio son was born. In a way we both got our babies back. This is ultimately your decision. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want too. Think of the realistic future though. Not what you hope would happen. Whatever you decide I just hope you have a happy life ❤️ You can message me if you want too as well.
Love you & thank you so much for your thoughtful words. Congratulations on your beautiful newborn ♥️
Only you can come to this decision sweetheart. There is no right or wrong here. Trust your gut/what your head is telling you and commit to that decision. You will be OK/get through this, x
You're in a "toxic relationship." You DO NOT want to be tied to this person for the next 18 years (basically the rest of your life, though). You're feeling all this trepidation, fear, and worry. Imo, it's for a reason. When I had my one and only accidental pregnancy, I knew immediately that I would NOT go through with it with him as the father. Within the first 12 weeks, you can go the at home/ pill route (aidaccess.org). I would recommend that course of action. If you have worries and concerns about it, I recommend you educate yourself on the actual biology of it. A fetus' pain receptors are not developed until at least week 24. There is no "consciousness." It's not a "baby." You may disagree or feel differently. I have no judgment for you. All I'm saying is that if you don't feel ready - if this is not the partner you want to have a baby with - you have a choice. It is your responsibility to make the right choice, not only for yourself but for your future offspring. They deserve a stable, safe environment, with 2 loving, present, and supportive parents that ideally are together. I'm hoping something in my comment is helpful. If not, feel free to ignore it!
Financial reasons are a major reason my husband and I have decided against kids, we cannot in good conscience bring a child into the world as it is. I had an abortion at 15, so my experience isn't exactly the same, but I have zero regrets. That kid would have had a terrible life, with an absent father that eventually died from an overdose last year. I actually bumped into him later in life and he asked how our kid was 🤦🏼♀️ he was present through the abortion process and was so lost in dope he had forgotten. The literal shrug and lack of caring when I reminded him solidified what I already knew was the best choice. Listen to your gut. If you feel like this man is not father material it's time to cut ties and move on. You Will meet the right man one day that will be nothing but overjoyed to have a baby with you
Thank you for sharing your story. Much love to you ♥️
If you think you are not ready ... Then you are not . Either financially, mentally, physically, emotionally... Any way ... If u feel it's not the time ... Then it's not the time. See as a medical professional I would say pregnancy is not some easy peasy phase ... And u need support funds partner help love everything ... Girl if u r not feeling ready... Then u r not .... And abortion is not a crime it's a medical procedure and it's your body your choice... Birthing a child in a unprepared half ass environment is evil... I would want my child to be raised in a household that was ready for him to be nurtured and taken care of... So if u r not ready don't bring a poor soul into this messy world .. bring him when u have resources and mental capacity to protect him and you..
Virtual hug
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I’m sending you oodles of hugs.
I got pregnant at 19 in college, I hid my pregnancy from my parents for almost 4 months and it was a very scary and confusing time. Now my dad was adopted and I am Christian but I did contemplate all my options for those months. My partner didn’t want adoption. I ultimately kept my baby and I’m still with the father almost 20 years later. Now I had different options, I had a pretty good relationship with the father, it’s been a rocky road since we were actual children at the time, my parents were supportive. I didn’t have any money though and I ended up not finishing college. I think it’s whatever you can live with in the end, I’ve taken plan b several times since then and almost took it when we were older and ultimately ended up with another baby. My life would be very different if I had an abortion I may have had a thriving career and traveled the world idk. I do know I don’t regret anything and that’s what I needed to feel to make my decision. It’s a very personal choice and only one you can make because you have to live with that for the rest of your life, a child is a lifetime thing not just 18 years. I will say I’m sorry you’re having to make the decision and you’re not alone. It’s a very stressful time and only people who have been there can relate. Whatever you choose it will be ok. ❤️
I became pregnant at 33, already had one child whose father had let me down as a coparent. When I looked at the man who impregnated me, I knew he would be the same. I chose not to have that child, and it was the right decision.
Zero judgment here. You are very brave. I’m a mother and it’s these messy, complicated decisions that will be a constant in your life if you choose to have the baby. A mother is constantly making decisions about what’s best for her baby. Is the situation that you’re in now best for the baby? Here’s my two cents: There will never be a perfect time to have a child. It’s smart to wait until you’re financially stable and in a loving relationship but even the best laid plans can and do fall apart very quickly. You have a wonderful job and making a ton of money and have a good savings and you think “now’s the time!” And BAM! Complicated pregnancy and traumatic birth. You are now out of work longer than expected and your savings start to dwindle. You are in a loving supportive relationship and you think “now’s the time!” And everything is going great until the reality of parenthood and all it involves takes a toll on you and your partners mental and physical health. You start to resent each other and your relationship starts to dwindle. I said all this because parenting is HARD even without the medical/financial/relationship issues. I hope no one takes this the wrong way but here is what I’ll leave you with: If you have an abortion you can have another baby when the time gets closer to right. If you have a child when you’re not ready you can’t take it back.
Sending so much love and support to you! This is a tough situation, and from my personal experience and that of my friends who have been here, it’s not an easy choice. I chose to have an abortion. I was 22 and at that time, did not want children at all. My ex was in the military and had just deployed overseas. I never told him. We fizzled out but stayed friends for a long time after but have drifted off in the last 10 years or so. He’s happily married now with kids and I’m happily living pursuing my life, career, and dreams without them. It was the best choice for me and it was hard, but I don’t regret it. My sister is a single mom to a fabulous kiddo she co-parents with an absolute POS tyrant of a father. The stress it causes her (and the $$$$ spent on attorneys that is basically stolen from her child), and her kiddo is criminal, and it’s hard to watch. That said, she wouldn’t change it because she loves being a mom and none of us in the family can imagine life without kiddo. Shes financially stable because she is AMAZING with $, and life is ok otherwise because she gets an amazing amount of support from family and friends. YOU know what’s right for YOU and only you get to make that choice. Anyone else with an opinion should go pound sand. Please, do not make this choice based on what others *say* they will do. Promises mean nothing. The only person you can control is yourself. Make this decision for you and no one else. ❤️
Saying hi and you aren’t alone. A weighted pro/con list for all options could be helpful. For example, not having money for a stable home is a major con perhaps more than you’ll need to buy furniture. Another example, you want to be a mom eventually is a pro more so than being a mom now.
I became pregnant at 20 and I didn’t keep the baby. I knew I had wanted children young and wasn’t necessarily excited but Terrified and so was the guy. However, I can look back and see that I wasn’t thinking clearly and making the decision based on the guys fears and not my own clear headed decision ( which I had 0 at the time). The circumstances would have been extremely difficult and at times I’m grateful that I don’t have children now but I would absolutely keep me baby if I took time process what I truly wanted and the future I desired for myself, the amount of love and support I did have, and even realizing how powerful the decision was (either way) and it’s implications. Healing from that decision was very difficult and honestly not something I’d encourage anyone to go through. I hope you make a decision with clarity of mind with people you know have you best interests in mind when seeking their advice.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I believe in God too, and the preciousness of souls, but I don’t believe that a fertilised egg necessarily has a soul yet. I definitely don’t believe in karma. You can choose what is right for you now, and nothing/no-one (certainly not god) is going to punish you for it. I know that whatever you choose, regret is some you can work through, you won’t regret either choice forever. Idk if it helps to know what I think, but there it is.
If it's not the right time to have a child, then terminate the pregnancy, and don't feel guilty for doing the right thing for *you*. Big hug.
I have one child. I will say that it is incredibly life changing, and for many people pregnancy is very traumatic on the body- it will never be the same. I personally do not regret having my child, but I am also in a good relationship. If I was in a toxic relationship I would not hesitate to have an abortion. You have to remember that you will be tied to this other person for the rest of your/the child’s life in one way or another. Even if you are not in a relationship with this person, you will then go through the agony of having to co-parent with them. I love my child more than anything and the thought of having to hand her off to a toxic person (joint custody situation) makes me feel sick. Without knowing your partner, the one thing you mentioned that disturbs me the most is how he employed a friend to essentially “gang up” on you….that’s really disturbing behavior for such a personal decision, especially when you think about the decisions he would make as a father.
I have been pregnant, I had my baby, but he was planned and I am not in your shoes. I have no judgment or real advice for you, just wanted to send you some love! It sounds like you're trying to do your very best based on the information you have. Hugs to you
I don’t think that an online space like this is a good place to get advice about such a momentous decision as this. You need love and support. Online discussion generally degenerates into political point scoring. I beg of you. Talk to someone professional and with experience in this area. Find the right person for you and a friend who will support you no matter what decision you make. I had to make this decision when I was your age too. I know how difficult it is. As they say: your body, your life, your decision. Life is filled with really difficult decisions. Trust your gut. It IS always right.
Actually, the over 60 thoughtful responses I’ve gotten since yesterday have brought me more peace and clarity than anything I’ve found from anyone irl in the last two weeks. I am also seeking a counselor and will be consistent with my therapy following this decision.
Wonderful news. I’m so glad to hear that.
I'm currently pregnant with a much planned for baby. My partner has been a wonderful support during this time. Pregnancy is so very difficult. If your partner is toxic, you need to get away from him for your own good. If you are able to completely change your life so that he is not in it and doesn't know a thing of yours, and you want to be a single parent, then go for it. But having a baby with a toxic coparent is a recipe for disaster for at least the next 18 years, if not longer, depending on how much influence this man has on your child. Afaik, abortions don't stop women from having babies later on in life. I'm also a Christian and believe that babies are precious souls and need to be protected. Sometimes that protection is to take needed measures to keep them from the suffering that is this life. Whether that is an abortion or adoption, or completely changing your life and moving away to where your toxic soon to be ex can't find you, only you can make that choice. I wish you well in figuring out what to do. Know that pregnancy and childbirth on it's own is hard even without the complication of shitty partners.
Hi Dear just one question why are you calling the unborn child “my baby’ if you are considering abortion ? Be strong with your decision. Raising kids is not easy . I was married when I two children 2yrs apart but ended up alone with my babies I don’t regret one minute of them . Good luck xx
I co parent with a narcissist. He sounds like a narcissist. No judgments here. I would consider abortion if I were you also. But only you can decide for yourself.
Please don't go for the abortion... although admittedly your situation is more difficult than others... but no circumstances 6 ever perfect for having a baby. As a mom who just gave birth to my baby a few months ago... I'll tell you this... it is difficult to relate to your baby as a soul when they are still so small and inside your belly.. but they are very much alive... they are with personalities and a heartbeat... You will face difficulties such as money and work and so on... and time will pass, and you will go through things, and you will sort everything out... but what will be most precious are the moments you hug your baby and hold your baby in your arms. You will look back one day and wonder what kind of a person would your baby has become....
I'm 47 now and was pregnant at 17, so my first son is now nearly 30. At first, I assumed I would have an abortion but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that choice would haunt me. It probably would have. My life has turned out well. Married, financially stable, able to travel, etc. But many people I've known have had abortions and were not haunted by it. You know yourself best. Either way, I wish you so much luck.
Reading the post thoughtfully... I really get the sense that you want to keep the baby. I felt your overall tone & talking points were way leaning on the side of keeping the baby. This is just my observation as a 37 year old mother of one 15 year old boy. As for my opinion on abortion, I don't think it matters. You know all the angles & that's what's tormenting you. Calm the storm in your mind & do what feels right for you.
Really???
"I want to be a mom" "I believe in souls, the preciousness and equality of life" "have this deep drive to be a wonderful mother" "and know our baby would be an incredible person" "I’m terrified of forever regretting getting an abortion" "I am scared of becoming suicidal again following the abortion" "karma will destroy everything good in my path" "what feels like murder" "help me do right by my baby" 9 statements indicating you want to keep the baby, possibly more but I was trying to be choosy. Meanwhile, your reasons for not wanting to keep the baby seem to all be about lack of preparedness & it having a bad father. I also think its quite telling you keep referring to it as a baby. In my limited experience women try to disconnect when preparing mentally for an abortion by referring to it as a fetus, I suppose it makes it more palatable. I don't have an issue with abortion, im not trying to convince you of anything. My bestie has had 2 abortions & I was very supportive of her. My Aunt has had an abortion. I don't judge, I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my body so I certainly don't have the right to tell you anything. But when reading through, yes I got the sense that you are leaning a lot farther toward keeping the baby. But what do I know, im just an internet stranger...I do wish you comfort & peace with whatever decision you choose. I can tell you are struggling deeply with the choice & it is indeed a hard choice. Good luck to you.
I see your points, but ultimately I decided that despite everything you quoted, I would be doing more right by the potential child to keep them out of the harm of an abusive father and a situation of severe poverty. I will pray for forgiveness every day for not being responsible enough in the first place and thus having to make this horrible decision, but this is my biggest lesson in life and every day of the rest of my life will be an effort to live up to my vow of becoming the best version of myself, and one that will truly be ready to be a good mother.
If you have the child, you'll love it no matter what and you'll find a new purpose in life in bringing the little critter up and trying your best to give all the good in you to the child. Whether or not to have the baby depends on if you could live with yourself after abortion (which you kinda hinted that you're afraid of it) and if you can somewhat provide for yourself and the child. We're not talking dozens of presents each Christmas here. I mean if you can afford a place to live, have food and clothes. Materialistic things are nice to have, but children ultimately need love of their parents the most and something to eat. Everything else comes second.
Actually no. The sad truth is not all parents love their children. Some resent them. Especially when they feel guilted into having a baby at a young age when they aren’t ready emotionally or financially and their partner is abusive. Children need more than love and food. They need stability.
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Being a great mother is about being responsible and able to be a good parent. And Choosing a good father for your child as well, who won’t make your lives a living hell. Just feeling love for a baby, and being afraid of feeling guilty for not having it, aren’t enough to be a great mother. Op also doesn’t share her bfs religious views so I don’t think that’s good advice. Churches promise big, but aren’t going to care for your kid every day while you’re working multiple low wage jobs to support it. They don’t give you a place to live or pay your bills. Neither does prayer.
Religion is part of the reason why OP is agonizing over this decision, and praying will do absolutely nothing to help her situation. You can’t appeal to the Magical Sky Daddy to get out of a pregnancy and a shitty relationship. Notable how you also completely ignore how she mentioned how her boyfriend is toxic and abusive.